It is really is hard to wrap your head around it. My narc ex started out as a witty, nice guy who claimed to be a "victim" of being cheated on by every single one of his ex's. Of course he had nothing to do with it. He seemed like he was "there." After 5 bizarre years of pushing intimacy away he started pushing me to go out with my girlfriends at the bars. Complete absence... like a robot zombie roommate. No commitment, no acknowledgment, no sex. Wouldn't break up with me and claimed there was "nothing wrong." Absolutely Terrifying. I sold the house and ran. He didn't care.
It can be hard to wrap ones mind around however there's no denying what's happening when one witnesses the very things you describe right in front of one's eyes every day. It's honestly comforting to have an explanation as to what the hell is happening otherwise it could have the potential to drive one crazy. You're right, there is something else going on underneath besides what they're presenting forward and no we absolutely cannot take what they are thinking / feeling, at any given time, as reality! I've been following you for a long time and I really appreciate your time and commitment to educating. Have a great day!
Omg, right?? . ‘Glamorizing dysfunction’ explains perfectly the narcissist’s excuse-making about his anxiety and illogical self-sabotage . Dr. Vaknin’s articulation is unmatched.
I self realized my own narcissistic behavior during a time of great psychedelic exploration and seen my effects on other people and I believe that part perished I still have those background thoughts but will literally say the word no out loud and then attempt to see things from other perspectives ! This is what I think was an ego death ! I am much happier now though I had to rebuild my persona to maintain my personal life with people who I knew and had to remove the people that were helping my darkness ! This is a simple explanation ! I believe that I am autistic high functioning I am definitely learning disabled and have a high iq I was tested in public school in the seventies !
I dunno how many narcissists I’ve known, but the one person I do know has no record of his life, No photos from his past, no stories about relationships. I’ve even oskew asked” show me these past relationships you’re referencing, Do you have a single picture of you with an intimate partner??
I don't have a background in psychology but this subject it's fascinating. This video offers very interesting insights. Thank you for the excellent content prof Vaknin.
I'm just amazed Sam at your description of my erstwhile male friend. He's 72 and lives 2 doors away in my apartment building. I said to myself last week, how disagreeable he is. And you just said how disagreeable they are. If something good happens to me he shows such anger. I could write reams but I'll cut it short. Just want to say Sam, that you are an immense help to me in trying to navigate this stormy water. Once again I have finished with him. It's really like "Groundhog Day". Just felt I had to voice my appreciation...
My ex tried to tell me he was borderline, I personally think he is malignant based on all the videos I’ve watched of yours, he is currently in prison for abusing me. He still tries to contact me. I’ve told Him I think he is a malignant narcissist but he won’t admit to it. He tried to say he had a breakdown and that’s why he abused me for 2 years. My question is why don’t narcissists just admit to it? Why do they try and cover it up as a different disorder?
3/4's of the way through at the topic of potentially classifying types of people that- as you say~ and as I paraphrase..."at the core..are functionally sadistic people" -- was so uplifting to hear. I swear, the other day I was thinking..if we just started to focus in on people's "personalities" vs on nationality, skin color, or classism-- we would really be diving in to the realm of better managing people purely on the fact of introducing a bit more a "neighborhood watch" of kindness. I feel this is already kind of present in neighborly settings and in church-- however the people that need it the most (leaders & people with esteemed titles) are given a pass and deemed as, again, leaders or just a business* person or an assertive person. I'm speaking on the culture here in the U.S. atleast. It's paradoxical due to people actually disliking arrogance by in large here- EXCEPT when you link arrogance with a smile**** it becomes just an extroverted and gregarious person. Strange blindspot that really is the albatross around our neck- among so many others. But yes, from what I can try and gather, and am so glad to hear you expand on, is that we should start more heavily describing peoples core functions (temperaments?) as being a certain type* of person. That these types of people are, at their core, largely just this way. I watched a video the other week that described the many types of people that can not visualize an image being described to them. They can only see it once produced in front of their eyes. It is quite actually just their biology's neural programming. Another typal experience being-existing... as a person.
Without realizing I’ve become a student of psychology. Thanks to professor Vaknin and his lectures. I’m lecture-compliant thanks to prenatal discipline.(I ALWAYS watch to the end!)
Something you said in the beginning struck me, and it's self evidently true throughout humanity. People with disabilities, or problems claim that their problem is their choice, therefore rendering it a non-problem, and within that paradox the only problem would be for someone to say something about it. It makes me think of the bullying thing which was so prevalent through my childhood and teenage years (28 now). I myself didn't experience any of it, but it was always drilled into our heads "don't be a bully" blah blah blah. But bullying is so psychological. The bully is a bully because he is protecting the essence of himself through this bullshit fascade, that if a real friend were to get him a psychiatrist, he could hopefully have some breakthroughs and change within to solve the actual bullying problem person by person. But instead, as humanity all we do is demonize the bully, but the reason we demonize the bully is a bull shit propping up of ourselves protecting our essence of self. Because of the demon-isation of the bully by the covert narcissist humanity, the bully goes deeper into his psychosis and the bullies victim gets a big pump up by humanity attempting to counter-act the bullying. But in reality all their doing is help cause the SJW problem of our generation itself, and not only that, but if the bully "comes around" his version of change within will be to pander to covert narcissists/humanity. But today, there isn't need for a bully because all the "bully's" just join in with the SJW's because they can bathe in the grandiosity of the echo chamber of their greatness, so long as they "tow the line". But as soon as they say a real truth about real mental illness (and not the fake version of "you're mentally healthy if you're eating well") all of a sudden their entire life is cancelled by covert narcissist humanity. Today, mental illness is glamorized. People believe they want sex changes because they think they'll be accepted by humanity, and really they will, but for all the wrong reasons. Makes me laugh when you say "finally" about the covert narcissists role being mentioned in a psychology handbook, as I'm sure the reason it took so long to be entered is because most people (me for sure until I woke up to myself) have covert narcissistic tendencies, and if not that then definitely some combination of co-dependence and/or whatever that disorder is called when you're nice to your abuser (something different than co-dependence but I can't remember it or find it through my google searchers).
@@terrykafka6631 OMG THANK YOU. I put this comment on pause for 10 min thinking and searching until I finally decided "oh well, he'll know what I mean."
Part 2: The only thing I understood, was his vision for the future. But I could not see how the current context matched with his vision. His projective identification was only projection. I ended up being exposed to complex arbitrary contradictions without knowing why, I never was his gf, he already had a gf, his gf was also first his patient, he said prior, that he can separate intention, cause, context, he only said afterward that he becomes sexual with patients when his needs are not met, and I also did not know this existed, I thought it was his fundamental rule. And it also does not explain this: Narcissistic defenses are among the earliest defense mechanisms to emerge, and include denial, distortion, and projection.[4] Splitting is another defense mechanism prevalent among individuals with narcissistic personality. 1. unconscious repression 2. conscious denial (it was not caused by a different interpretation of the picture, because I said I wanted to be his patient, and I spoke about medical things, then someone can murder someone on a Sunday, but not a Friday, it makes no sense, what I said, can not be changed afterwards, and he can not put his intention and cause words in my mouth, he is not a part of my biology, and he can not use my autism against me) 3. distortion (including exaggeration and minimization), rationalization and lies 4. psychological projection (blaming somebody else) 5. enlisting the help of one or more of his or her codependent friends who will support his or her distorted view. And it also does not explain the coercive control, perspecticide and using this en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relationship_Development_Intervention To do this, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Developmental_social-pragmatic_model To gain cooperation. It is evil. Right after I said, I wanted a specific treatment he offered, I became a patient. It is illegal to make a caundalism by proxy picture of a patient. If I would send a nude. Then it would still be illegal, revenge porn and sextortion is also illegal. But he said, that if I would report him, that he would get away with it anyway. People who have no values or universal moral while saying extremely holistic things are misleaders. As if it is okay to murder someone in the kitchen. But it is not okay to murder someone in the bathroom. And the cooperation was, I needed to send a nude, he said afterward he said he wanted a "gf to f*ck". What does that have to do with the prior goal he said to me? He first said he wanted a family. You know what he said. He copied my leave me alone solution, that I said right after I found out that he secretly made a caundalism by proxy permission against the law, to change the context during that time. Afterward, a bunch of "you don't understand" rationalization defense mechanism, sublimation defense mechanism "my gf is like a prostitute, I don't respect all women, don't bring my mother into this, she had no right to work when I was young, she did not protect my mental health" He rather wanted me to go to the police, then delete it himself.
Part 3. He pretended to be omnipotent, he bluffed, “I can get away with it” and he intentionally tried to create confusion. He said that he would get away with it anyway. Why? He bragged afterward about raping his gf, when she says no. When someone behaves like the schizoid-narc or the sadistic-narc, then I can't see the context, then I make false-confessions because he and the sadistic-narc withheld information and I need to understand. If I don't say the details, then people think, that context applies, without knowing reality. I like clarity, simple, understandable. But he used egocentric cognitive empathy out of the body, out of historical speech between the sadistic-narc and I, out of context and in his native language. I was not speaking in my native language, I don't have an egocentric bias, for me, the arbitrariness rules made no sense. I only knew the photography rules regarding the medical business that applied in his country, I did not know the other laws. And the sadistic-narc spoke highly annoying, “you have a very liberal interpertation of rape”. Stupid. Polarization, stupid. He knows nothing about identifying accurately, if he did, then why does he have a perirhinal cortex lesion about me? Why did he call me his gf, when I was his patient? And I am not other people’s possession. I don’t identify myself with an arbitrary group interpretation. I am not his possession. I am not the only one. Study finds conformity does not equal cooperation www.psypost.org/2011/08/study-finds-conformity-does-not-equal-cooperation-6292?TrendMD&PsyPost_TrendMD_0 But the schizoid-narc did identify himself, with the sadistic-narcs group interpretation. Why? The sadistic-narc does not know what others think, he was wrong about me constantly. The schizoid-narc and sadistic-narc can do accurate projective identification when it is about a situation, for example, he shoots the messenger, and then he says that the messenger projects, but the messenger doesn't even know what happened and Wikipedia says that people who shoot the messenger project. Intellectual bullying guilt-tripping, social undermining. Then some sexism, then projecting identification that you dehumanize, as if they can't be neutral, as if someone who cares and is synergistic and empathetic when other people have personal distress, and also makes an effort without expecting anything is also someone who dehumanizes.
Autism involves brain abnormalities and probably genetics. It has nothing to do with the mother’s personality. Autistic children might develop narcissistic defenses when exposed to scorn, ridicule, and social shunning.
Mr. V ... he told me to talk to other people, but he also said that to his ex before me, and then rubbed it on her face that she was cheating on him when he told her to talk to others..... my question is , how do I know or ask him if we are over? He has me in limbo, no interest in talking to me or having a conversation, not even sex anymore. Everything I do or say bothers him, then gets mad if i dont give him attention, gets mad if I do give him attention. What do I do? I am addicted to him sadly. The thought of him being with another torments me more then his insults, please help.
I know my so called brother is a shapeshifting narcissist. He's been around earth for thousands of years. He's trying really hard to stop my imagination and make me question myself about my own reality.
It is really is hard to wrap your head around it. My narc ex started out as a witty, nice guy who claimed to be a "victim" of being cheated on by every single one of his ex's. Of course he had nothing to do with it. He seemed like he was "there." After 5 bizarre years of pushing intimacy away he started pushing me to go out with my girlfriends at the bars. Complete absence... like a robot zombie roommate. No commitment, no acknowledgment, no sex. Wouldn't break up with me and claimed there was "nothing wrong." Absolutely Terrifying. I sold the house and ran. He didn't care.
It can be hard to wrap ones mind around however there's no denying what's happening when one witnesses the very things you describe right in front of one's eyes every day. It's honestly comforting to have an explanation as to what the hell is happening otherwise it could have the potential to drive one crazy. You're right, there is something else going on underneath besides what they're presenting forward and no we absolutely cannot take what they are thinking / feeling, at any given time, as reality! I've been following you for a long time and I really appreciate your time and commitment to educating. Have a great day!
Omg, right?? . ‘Glamorizing dysfunction’ explains perfectly the narcissist’s excuse-making about his anxiety and illogical self-sabotage . Dr. Vaknin’s articulation is unmatched.
Agreed, Sam Vaknin is the real deal!
Working and living with them is mentally challenging because u are communicating with a fake empty shell
To me, the most challenging element of the entire scenario. Existing in a world where you don't exist to the person you give your all....
I self realized my own narcissistic behavior during a time of great psychedelic exploration and seen my effects on other people and I believe that part perished I still have those background thoughts but will literally say the word no out loud and then attempt to see things from other perspectives ! This is what I think was an ego death ! I am much happier now though I had to rebuild my persona to maintain my personal life with people who I knew and had to remove the people that were helping my darkness ! This is a simple explanation ! I believe that I am autistic high functioning I am definitely learning disabled and have a high iq I was tested in public school in the seventies !
I dunno how many narcissists I’ve known, but the one person I do know has no record of his life, No photos from his past, no stories about relationships. I’ve even oskew asked” show me these past relationships you’re referencing, Do you have a single picture of you with an intimate partner??
I don't have a background in psychology but this subject it's fascinating. This video offers very interesting insights.
Thank you for the excellent content prof Vaknin.
I'm just amazed Sam at your description of my erstwhile male friend. He's 72 and lives 2 doors away in my apartment building. I said to myself last week, how disagreeable he is. And you just said how disagreeable they are. If something good happens to me he shows such anger. I could write reams but I'll cut it short. Just want to say Sam, that you are an immense help to me in trying to navigate this stormy water. Once again I have finished with him. It's really like "Groundhog Day". Just felt I had to voice my appreciation...
Exactly... Its an absence...
Brilliant! The best explanation by far
Thank you for this weeks academic and personal challenge ❤
My ex tried to tell me he was borderline, I personally think he is malignant based on all the videos I’ve watched of yours, he is currently in prison for abusing me. He still tries to contact me. I’ve told
Him I think he is a malignant narcissist but he won’t admit to it. He tried to say he had a breakdown and that’s why he abused me for 2 years. My question is why don’t narcissists just admit to it? Why do they try and cover it up as a different disorder?
3/4's of the way through at the topic of potentially classifying types of people that- as you say~ and as I paraphrase..."at the core..are functionally sadistic people" -- was so uplifting to hear. I swear, the other day I was thinking..if we just started to focus in on people's "personalities" vs on nationality, skin color, or classism-- we would really be diving in to the realm of better managing people purely on the fact of introducing a bit more a "neighborhood watch" of kindness. I feel this is already kind of present in neighborly settings and in church-- however the people that need it the most (leaders & people with esteemed titles) are given a pass and deemed as, again, leaders or just a business* person or an assertive person. I'm speaking on the culture here in the U.S. atleast. It's paradoxical due to people actually disliking arrogance by in large here- EXCEPT when you link arrogance with a smile**** it becomes just an extroverted and gregarious person. Strange blindspot that really is the albatross around our neck- among so many others. But yes, from what I can try and gather, and am so glad to hear you expand on, is that we should start more heavily describing peoples core functions (temperaments?) as being a certain type* of person. That these types of people are, at their core, largely just this way. I watched a video the other week that described the many types of people that can not visualize an image being described to them. They can only see it once produced in front of their eyes. It is quite actually just their biology's neural programming. Another typal experience being-existing... as a person.
Brilliant.
Great explanation, Sam. TU
Very nice..thank you Dr. Vaknin.
Without realizing I’ve become a student of psychology. Thanks to professor Vaknin and his lectures. I’m lecture-compliant thanks to prenatal discipline.(I ALWAYS watch to the end!)
Thanks! You’re simply great.
DONE THAT LEFT HIM ONLY 33years ROLE ON LIFE 🦋
Very informative lecture thank you. I appreciate your insight
Thank you🎩💎
Thank you
Something you said in the beginning struck me, and it's self evidently true throughout humanity. People with disabilities, or problems claim that their problem is their choice, therefore rendering it a non-problem, and within that paradox the only problem would be for someone to say something about it. It makes me think of the bullying thing which was so prevalent through my childhood and teenage years (28 now). I myself didn't experience any of it, but it was always drilled into our heads "don't be a bully" blah blah blah. But bullying is so psychological. The bully is a bully because he is protecting the essence of himself through this bullshit fascade, that if a real friend were to get him a psychiatrist, he could hopefully have some breakthroughs and change within to solve the actual bullying problem person by person. But instead, as humanity all we do is demonize the bully, but the reason we demonize the bully is a bull shit propping up of ourselves protecting our essence of self. Because of the demon-isation of the bully by the covert narcissist humanity, the bully goes deeper into his psychosis and the bullies victim gets a big pump up by humanity attempting to counter-act the bullying. But in reality all their doing is help cause the SJW problem of our generation itself, and not only that, but if the bully "comes around" his version of change within will be to pander to covert narcissists/humanity. But today, there isn't need for a bully because all the "bully's" just join in with the SJW's because they can bathe in the grandiosity of the echo chamber of their greatness, so long as they "tow the line". But as soon as they say a real truth about real mental illness (and not the fake version of "you're mentally healthy if you're eating well") all of a sudden their entire life is cancelled by covert narcissist humanity. Today, mental illness is glamorized. People believe they want sex changes because they think they'll be accepted by humanity, and really they will, but for all the wrong reasons.
Makes me laugh when you say "finally" about the covert narcissists role being mentioned in a psychology handbook, as I'm sure the reason it took so long to be entered is because most people (me for sure until I woke up to myself) have covert narcissistic tendencies, and if not that then definitely some combination of co-dependence and/or whatever that disorder is called when you're nice to your abuser (something different than co-dependence but I can't remember it or find it through my google searchers).
@@terrykafka6631 OMG THANK YOU. I put this comment on pause for 10 min thinking and searching until I finally decided "oh well, he'll know what I mean."
People-pleaser. It is not a disorder, just a dysfunctional behavior.
"SJW?" stands for?
what is SJW ? Your comment is hard to read, I dont understand half of what ur saying. lol.
@@mishmacD26 sjw means social justice warrior
Part 2:
The only thing I understood, was his vision for the future. But I could not see how the current context matched with his vision. His projective identification was only projection. I ended up being exposed to complex arbitrary contradictions without knowing why, I never was his gf, he already had a gf, his gf was also first his patient, he said prior, that he can separate intention, cause, context, he only said afterward that he becomes sexual with patients when his needs are not met, and I also did not know this existed, I thought it was his fundamental rule. And it also does not explain this:
Narcissistic defenses are among the earliest defense mechanisms to emerge, and include denial, distortion, and projection.[4] Splitting is another defense mechanism prevalent among individuals with narcissistic personality.
1. unconscious repression
2. conscious denial (it was not caused by a different interpretation of the picture, because I said I wanted to be his patient, and I spoke about medical things, then someone can murder someone on a Sunday, but not a Friday, it makes no sense, what I said, can not be changed afterwards, and he can not put his intention and cause words in my mouth, he is not a part of my biology, and he can not use my autism against me)
3. distortion (including exaggeration and minimization), rationalization and lies
4. psychological projection (blaming somebody else)
5. enlisting the help of one or more of his or her codependent friends who will support his or her distorted view.
And it also does not explain the coercive control, perspecticide and using this
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relationship_Development_Intervention
To do this,
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Developmental_social-pragmatic_model
To gain cooperation. It is evil. Right after I said, I wanted a specific treatment he offered, I became a patient. It is illegal to make a caundalism by proxy picture of a patient. If I would send a nude. Then it would still be illegal, revenge porn and sextortion is also illegal. But he said, that if I would report him, that he would get away with it anyway. People who have no values or universal moral while saying extremely holistic things are misleaders. As if it is okay to murder someone in the kitchen. But it is not okay to murder someone in the bathroom. And the cooperation was, I needed to send a nude, he said afterward he said he wanted a "gf to f*ck". What does that have to do with the prior goal he said to me? He first said he wanted a family.
You know what he said. He copied my leave me alone solution, that I said right after I found out that he secretly made a caundalism by proxy permission against the law, to change the context during that time. Afterward, a bunch of "you don't understand" rationalization defense mechanism, sublimation defense mechanism "my gf is like a prostitute, I don't respect all women, don't bring my mother into this, she had no right to work when I was young, she did not protect my mental health"
He rather wanted me to go to the police, then delete it himself.
Part 3. He pretended to be omnipotent, he bluffed, “I can get away with it” and he intentionally tried to create confusion. He said that he would get away with it anyway. Why? He bragged afterward about raping his gf, when she says no. When someone behaves like the schizoid-narc or the sadistic-narc, then I can't see the context, then I make false-confessions because he and the sadistic-narc withheld information and I need to understand. If I don't say the details, then people think, that context applies, without knowing reality. I like clarity, simple, understandable. But he used egocentric cognitive empathy out of the body, out of historical speech between the sadistic-narc and I, out of context and in his native language. I was not speaking in my native language, I don't have an egocentric bias, for me, the arbitrariness rules made no sense. I only knew the photography rules regarding the medical business that applied in his country, I did not know the other laws. And the sadistic-narc spoke highly annoying, “you have a very liberal interpertation of rape”. Stupid. Polarization, stupid. He knows nothing about identifying accurately, if he did, then why does he have a perirhinal cortex lesion about me? Why did he call me his gf, when I was his patient? And I am not other people’s possession. I don’t identify myself with an arbitrary group interpretation. I am not his possession. I am not the only one.
Study finds conformity does not equal cooperation
www.psypost.org/2011/08/study-finds-conformity-does-not-equal-cooperation-6292?TrendMD&PsyPost_TrendMD_0
But the schizoid-narc did identify himself, with the sadistic-narcs group interpretation. Why?
The sadistic-narc does not know what others think, he was wrong about me constantly.
The schizoid-narc and sadistic-narc can do accurate projective identification when it is about a situation, for example, he shoots the messenger, and then he says that the messenger projects, but the messenger doesn't even know what happened and Wikipedia says that people who shoot the messenger project. Intellectual bullying guilt-tripping, social undermining. Then some sexism, then projecting identification that you dehumanize, as if they can't be neutral, as if someone who cares and is synergistic and empathetic when other people have personal distress, and also makes an effort without expecting anything is also someone who dehumanizes.
New fan ❤️
The person i delt with had all of these traits in them, so what kind of of personality is that?
Personality adaptations: habits.
So a person who has full blown npd , can be bipolar too ?
Search the channel.
Dear Dr Sam. Can a narcissistic mother give birth to an autistic child? Is there a high likelihood for such a situation?
Autism involves brain abnormalities and probably genetics. It has nothing to do with the mother’s personality. Autistic children might develop narcissistic defenses when exposed to scorn, ridicule, and social shunning.
Very good Dr.
Mr. V ... he told me to talk to other people, but he also said that to his ex before me, and then rubbed it on her face that she was cheating on him when he told her to talk to others..... my question is , how do I know or ask him if we are over? He has me in limbo, no interest in talking to me or having a conversation, not even sex anymore. Everything I do or say bothers him, then gets mad if i dont give him attention, gets mad if I do give him attention. What do I do? I am addicted to him sadly. The thought of him being with another torments me more then his insults, please help.
I know my so called brother is a shapeshifting narcissist. He's been around earth for thousands of years.
He's trying really hard to stop my imagination and make me question myself about my own reality.
Narcissistic vs Narcissistic personality traits?
Outstanding video Dr. Thank you for helping me understand schizoids. A disturbing experience. Gladly he discarded me quickly 🥲
Thank you