What’s absolutely mind blowing to me is when I meet my husband two weeks in I said “are you putting a spell on me” 20 years later and a restraining order… I was right! Womens intuition!! I am so glad to be out of this crazy nightmare
I am constantly mimicking voices, including yours professor. After hours of listening to you, literally, I begin to talk like you, passively. I've done this with friends and cartoons shows. I have a narcissistic father, and a passive codependent mother. Don't know what I am, but I was said to have ADHD, and the meds and have improved me. I'm at your disposal if I can be an asset to your research.
I was trapped in the Savior position with my narcissist it was a total waste of time. Accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can and wisdom to know it's you. The only thing you'll ever change is yourself
This understanding was exactly what I needed to let go... I am mind blown. My narc loved watching videos on current AI robots and has told me so many times that he was not human etc... the last 10yrs of my life with him just became clear as day and I feel so free to continue on unattached... it all makes so much sense now... just WOW thank you
Ya that is why they "forgive" and come back all the time. It's not love, it's because they dont care at all, they just want narcissistic supply. We are objects to them.
@@andylima24 mine never said he was sorry. Last time he cussed , called me names. I asked him to apologize. He said no apology. That was it for me. I'm at no contact.
That is a fascinating analysis…I always thought he was so forgiving…” Forgive and forget” he’d always say. And he was so good at it! But it’s because he doesn’t care! That makes so much more sense. After what he did to me this last time, I just can’t imagine him ever coming back to try to Hoover me, because if he knows me at all, he KNOWS I would NEVER take him back. But because of this idea, just the notion he needs supply and I was prime, grade A supply, he might be back…? Ugh, 🙄 let’s hope not. 🤞🏼
Another educational video Sam, thank you. You hit on many topics that explains the true behaviors of a narcissists. Yes, the Pollyanna effect is very true! I remember actually having a calm discussion with my narcissist whereas he didn't twist blame avoid or project. He actually listened. He asked why I cry when he feels hurt. "Why are you always trying to understand me cry when I'm having a hard time...it makes no sense. You're weak." I answered "Some people have a lot of empathy for others. I feel your pain. Thats why it effects me when you are happy, sad, mad." Him "But why would you care about what others feel? Its not logical. It doesn't make sense to me." He literally could not understand empathy. I could see it in his facial expressions. He was diagnosed with Aspergers with RAD as a child. Im not sure if that is accurate because he lives 100% in the shared fantasy world as an adult. From the minute we met online, he love bombed and soon followed with the extreme desire to marry me. When I suggested we wait and date for a year, he grew annoyed and frustrated but agreed until I decided let's go for it. Im ready...thats when he began to pull back. He loves the shared fantasy the magical idea of endless love but when you force him to put it into reality, he withdraws because he is feeding this shared fantasy of marriage and endless love with multiple women. A lesson I learned. Yes, they use words meticulously with caution. He is void inside. There isn't anyone inside. He can't hold on to the love you pour on him...it slips through the holes of his shell disguised as a body.
Both. As I was reading I thought this sounds like Aspergers and there it was - BUT trust me Asperger’s comorbid with narcissism is a real thing. I’ve just had 5 years dealing with this and I’m still traumatised.
Narcissists often pretend to be asperger only to fool people. When you catch their strange behaviors - 🚩🚩🚩 - than they can explain it away - gaslight you. If there is explotation and entittelement than it is 100% narcissism. Don't look for empathy - they can fake it. Explotation and entittelement is the kie to find aut.
3 relationship's iv had with Narcissistic men I notice when I looked back there were no hobbies / interests / pass times ...just pure focus on me...no likes or dislikes mentioned either....I guess this makes sense to me now ...having that there is " No Self' ".... empty just staring at you hanging on your every word...a ridiculous amount of texting too 🤔
Yes my current narc has no friends, no hobbies, and lots of addictions to keep him in the pleasure zone. His life has totally fallen apart from me ending it and he won't leave the house either. Very weird
Your best video yet! Everything you say here solidifies the fact that I’ve been dealing with a machine, a robot an empty shell. Terrifying that these type of “people” roam the world. Terrifying!!! Narcissist steal your identity, steal your soul & leave you confused, lost & totally unsure of what is real and what is not. When interacting with a narcissist, which I have been for the last 5 years in a work relationship - not sexual, I have lived ALL of the things you say here in this video. I am trying to get myself, my identity, my soul, my body, my life, & my reality back! Everything you say about covert narcissist hits me hard and I have been living in this nightmare for 5 years! I’m trying to escape. These videos have helped me immensely - thank you!
Be thankful It wasnt intimate, what your going through is amplified to the extreme in an intimate relationship with Covert N's, 5 years with female, and it takes that long to figure out WTF happened to me
I noticed a lot of people who work in security work are these personality disorders. It attracts certain type of people this field. They all act allusive or they are better and different compared to others. They suspect you as suspicious and a threat but that's them projecting
Thank you for letting me know this this is exactly how they are. my ex husband never cared if I cheated never cared what I did even if I didn't come back. he insulted and called me names relentlessly without caring. he was the meanest brutalist person I knew. no physical abuse just emotional. He has no awareness of how abusive he was and he alswys tells me he never did anything to me. He thinks he has done nothing wrong. He never cared if I cried.He called them fake tears.
How does he do it? Using the baby gaze looking you in the eye, simple. To this type of gaze, all human beings react positively, it is a genetic conditioning. Any person cannot resist the child's gaze, because this gaze conveys unawareness and the need for help. The pathological narcissist is a person who, following severe deprivation of love suffered in early childhood, has not developed empathy and emotional intelligence. He has therefore emotionally remained a child of about 4 or 5 years, he does not pretend this look: it is his look. Alternatively there is the other look, that of the bad child because he has been injured, that look that is scary, however, done by an adult, that look that we define as "Crazy" or "Psychopathic".
You win. It’s the gaze. My younger brother has this gaze whenever anyone attempts to have an adult conversation with him. He just stares, with large brown eyes and a relaxed, baby-like mouth. He was never raised, just left in front of a television to raise himself. Our mother was addicted to gambling, an asthma diagnosis, and victimhood. His father totally abandoned him. Sad stuff.
You freed me from biases against myself today. Since sitting near my father as a child aware of uncanny value I blamed myself for not being interesting enough to activate him.
I remember after numerous instances of hearing his justifications for his behavior,I straight out said "You know you don't think like normal people right?".Without breaking eye contact he said"I know".
One time , after getting a delayed emotionless response to significant news I’d just told her, I told my narc jokingly: “you’re like an android simulating human behavior” Man this video is timely. Trust your feelings
For the past few years, this ignoring of significant information got worse. So in the end I just used to walk out. As I got to the door he'd always do a delayed pretend interest. In the last months of the relationship I didn't even bother reacting. It was totally fake
Honey trap for sure, I have been stuck since June 2018. And, yes, I have no access to this man's mind 🙄 I don't understand him no matter how I try. This has been the biggest lesson in my life. I can only think as I think, others do not think like I do!!! This is difficult to grasp for me at times. 😢
@@daviedood2503 I have told him before, I am not his live human blow up doll, I do have feelings and emotions. It is just a release for him, no feelings in those actions at all, just a big show to impress himself and to keep the flashlight turned on, hot, and wanting. Especially with the lack of unity 😪
@@daviedood2503 thank you. You are making good points! It is so painful. Crying in front of them gives them the ultimate fuel! You are correct. What a very, very painful life lesson 😡😤
@@Job.Well.Done_01 thank you! Yes, I will pray for all myself 🙏🏽 What a horrible place to find oneself in... unforgiving, unappreciative and extremely self serving. It is great that we were brave and strong enough to GET OUT!!!
Had to talk myself out of the unease all the time! Couldn’t maintain eye contact. I felt sick. I knew that went it went wrong the whole circle of friends would say we told you so!
REPLICANTS 🤯 I wish I had known about all of this before I met one. I’ve experienced a lot, but never ever did it occur to me for a second that this man I was falling in love with was faking empathy or emotion. He DID use words very specifically and deliberately, and he knew I was a writer so that was appealing to me . He did kind things for me and for others all the time, and everyone loved him. But I never knew about the ones who didn’t because I am guessing he blocked them from his life. I only got the cult. And then the wiring got crossed. He couldn’t keep it up. He failed the test. Broke my heart. These videos are so helpful in understanding what really happened. There’s some relief in that.
Thank you, dr. Vaknin, as a borderline woman, your genious explanations and insights, academic subjected and validated videos made me see the whole picture of my turbulent life. What a roller coaster ride! You deserve a Nobel prize in psychology and philosophy. Greetings from Slovenia!
My narc said he never knew what to say when one of his clients said someone close them had died. I said, what do you mean? He said, Im just like ummm sorry? He had NO empathy whatsoever. His mother told me that as well.
Yes! My dad was , I believe, a psychopathic narcissist. I've had 2 boyfriends in the past 10 years who I believe were the same. Now, there is a new guy at my workplace who I also believe to be a person with NPD, or some cluster B mish mash. He is a fabulous worker. But when I first encountered him, my body reacted! My gut was saying something! So I decided to just listen to him, and observe. Wow. Dont push down that feeling, that intuition that something is off. However, I believe that this man, atleast in the work environment, is quite harmless. He likes to keep me abreast of his home life. That is where i really see it. He has no idea how utterly controlling he sounds! I feel for his teenage step sons.
Mine lured me into becoming a swinger with the promises of him always being there and coming back together after our swinger events. He full on morphed me into a different person because it was the only time he made me feel valued.
Teamwork is what happened to me. Widow for nine years I have suffered so much financial, emotional and spiritual loss. I had just completed transcranial magnetic stimulation So I felt really good when I started praying with my prayer partner. I knew him for over 25 yrs. The whole family mostly less one out of six are full blown narcissists.. Mom as the ringleader. Three years later I have to believe that the one sister who was very contrite about all of the horrible crimes committed against me. She was then looked at like the black sheep of the family. She has since passed away she was killed by a hit and rin driver in July I have to wonder why nobody's been caught 😭 n her death. I wonder if her family had😮 anything to do with it. After all this loss and trauma I have come to realize the black sheep of the family is probably the truth teller the only one. I Thank You For your Videos Professor. You have enlightened me.
Narcissists are fully self-aware when it comes to their actions and choices, but, like Borderlines, they mislabel emotions and consider themselves highly empathic ("emapths") and even kind-hearted.
@@samvaknin in my experience they refer to their love bombing as proof of their kindness and also to make you feel guilty at the same time (which for me caused me to mislabel my own emotions to the seemingly calculated benefit of the narcissist).
@@samvaknin This is very interesting. How they mislabel emotions if they don't have any (besides feelings of anger, frustration and depression)? Do they label their actions (fake help, fake kindness, fake interest ...) as empathy? Is it possible that a narcissist cry? If yes, why?
@@alicewonderland8027they can mimic crying bc they read the situation and learn it’s the appropriate response. Mine could conjure tears in a nanosecond to get out of being accountable. That way, I became the care taker and it took the focus off me being mad at his wrong doings.
Mimicry and hoarding may be linked. It struck me when you said make-up at 1:02:00 ish. Thank you. this describes my mom. And the aggressive mimicry describes my dad. And the alcohol addiction describes how I chose my ex-husband lol. I think my son is Pan and my daughter is just lost to me forever, she adores her grandfather's aggressive mimicry. I have been deep into Jungian analysis and active imagination work because I think these people in my life are all projections from me.
He used to tell me, “Quit being a baby in thinking people aren’t twisted in their minds. You walk around like this world is good. Like people aren’t sizing you up.”
Going around thinking everyone is "sizing you up" is a projection of his own paranoia. Not everyone is focused on others like some like to believe. I think ppl are more interested in themselves, preoccupied, or if anything, trying to look busy.
@@ElroyMunson It wasn’t. I was just referencing that quote in relation to the video. I was physically, emotionally and mentally abused. Also had to get VD test after I found about the seven women he had cheated on me with. I don’t miss being his “mom” or him screaming so close to my face that his spit would go in my eyes. I don’t miss being so confused, angry and broken-hearted that I would freeze in place unable to speak or cry when he’d rage. I do remember his words. My brain records things like movies I can revisit. Conversations, what someone was wearing or things like backgrounds/places.
@@jenniehettrick4204 I'm really sorry... I kinda knew that your comment was the tip of the iceberg of your parasite's behavior... I apologize for instigating all that toxic dirt. You're absolutely dealing with a genuine article. I can't imagine... that's on a whole new level ... Men have to be 10 times worse than women with this dysfunction. For whatever reason, I thought of their sublime ability to leverage our empathy against us... Reminded me of the Green Mile... Paul Edgecomb (elderly): We each owe a death, there are no exceptions, but oh God, sometimes the Green Mile seems so long. John Coffey: He killed them with their love. That's the way it is, all over the world, every day. John Coffey: "I'm tired,Boss.
Thank You, this is a master work. As a person who has had a very strong clairsentience all my life, and many experience with Narcissists and their discards, I can support the many profound inferences that you have elucidated. Thank you for the effort and insight that brings the viewer to the conclusion which I believe is 1000% correct. I have felt for some time now that it is important to bring the Narcissist in from the cold. We must find a way. If not we relagate the most abused members of our global society to unending suffering while remaining able to participate in their ongoing wounding. Most tell me that I'm just crazy but I hold to this notion. What are they here to teach us about us? Why do we produce SO many with callus disregard for their plight?
The psychopath narcissist ex would always blame myself, someone else, a negative circumstance From my past , to deflect , blame shift , gaslight and project all of his guilt ,shame , and reject any threats or perceived slights to his delusional God like flawless innocent imposter victim image
I had the ten bells alarm going when I met this person as an adult. I rationalised by thinking I was just afraid because it was my first relationship. It took me about a decade to find out that it was my intuition.
Now I understand the meaning of Jonny Depp's recorded words when he said, "you aren't there" to Amber Heard. He was taken in by an illusion that wasn't real and would not sustain.
You have just described my brother. He had no emotion at all when our father died. His reactions were a total disconnect to the shock of a family death. He never spoke of his death. He hardly talks about father like he never existed. I remember I had told my brother it was OK for him to cry and grieve. To this day I am not sure he grieves at all. He does not reason with me nor with mother but takes charge on our decisions instead. Is he narcissistic?
What about those who almost always tell the truth and do so partially because they are too consumed with always doing/saying the right thing, or consumed with stating only “facts”?
Or because no one is worth the effort to lie to. The problem is not what they are saying - the problem is that you never listen. You WANT to be duped. Watch the vids about self-gaslighting.
Beyond Pollyanna defenses, malignant optimism, as part of what makes us easier to be lured into the shared fantasy, I'd add we all know there's next to no education (say, during K12 education), that there are intraspecies predators, for this to be put across in such a way to be learned, comprehended deeply, etc. So partly 'beyond the psychology' and I'm not in disagreement with Vaknin but I wanna say this with some tonal force: it is early days, so to speak. Take the human race writ large, NPD, 1971. Not 1671. But 40 years ago. Take a related low road personality.. The mask of sanity. Is that book thousands of years old? No. Metaphors like angels are thousands of years old. We're completely blind left with billions of love songs that start to all make sense once a normie turns 90.
Do you have an advice on how to 'walk away' from an (ageing) mother who gives exactly the (eerie) feelings you describe? It seems to me more difficult than walking away from a partner. Also: I have noticed differences in in-person communication vs. telephone/chat with a narcissist, like those are two different people. Can you explain? Thank you!
Why is it more difficult? An abuser is an abuser is an abuser. End of story. The narcissist ACTS in both cases, but modulates his acting when he has no access to your body language.
@@samvaknin ah, that is what I thought (about the body language. She indeed seems to be mimicking it, so there's an additional dimension to the (mis)communication). Thanks so much for everything, this video was especially enlightening.
If our mirror neurons are activated more by an android than a human, could it be it is some instinct to try and activate our mirror neurons to affect theirs- as if we can tell they are not human? Like when you speak in a slightly quieter voice to someone who is talking very loudly in a way to influence them to lower their voices.
Ha! A supervisor asked, "So, what is your favorite movie of all-time?" I replied, "Blade Runner." He then replied, "THAT IS NOT a SOBER movie. (Rinse. Repeated.)" I am not sure what he meant.
Is this the reason that makes Narcissists really good at learning, specially languages? because the have highly advanced mimicry skills? or the reason simply is their intelligence?
I have two questions: Why does the narcissist get terribly upset when someone else's parents die, when you say his empathy is only an imitation? This person's reactions are so real. Also, why does the narcissist hate donating money, food or time? Is there something behind that too? Does he fear losing even the most miniscule amount of money? Thank you for your extraordinary work!
Mine donated so he could get a tax write off, not bc he’s a charitable person. Look for the ways it was actually about him. Maybe to look good to others?
Ironic you mention Blade Runner. It was the movie he introduced me to early in our relationship. I found his obsession with it very peculiar. Now it makes total sense, but how, if he understood the process of replicants so well, can I say he isn't aware?
I have seen the pretend tears. I am for the first time today ( after 16 years) aware that I am in a Narcissist relationship. No sexual connection.. verbal abusive . ,my partner looks to androids films to make him to feel ok.... I can have no sex with him... 16 years and never realised why .. until today ............are you open to personal PM'S? I am ........so at my wits end to know how to cope.
What if....He is exactly on point...and they really are replicants? Well i love science fiction and i am going to run with this idea for the rest of the day...or longer
Something I am interested in too. My ex husband heavily into cross dress. I think it was auto erotic, a fusion with his mother, maybe incest fantasy. Had a shopping addiction with it and gambling. Very confusing.
Sam, I need help as they are saying my 12 yo has ODD,anxiety,social anxiety, and depression. The therapists not helping, only encouraging transgenderism and confusing her. She has always had 'crushes' on boys but not with much interaction. Now she cannot get her hair short enough. She is punches me and punching holes in walls. I have been raising her and have court ordered guardianship and now she wants to live with her mom, a drug addict who allows abusers to live with her and ends up in hospital from the abuse. NOT safe for a 12 yo. her pediatrician wants to g9ve her time to heal then bring her back to him in a few months. He doesn't quite accept this diagnosis but I cannot raise her when she is violent to me, calls me names, says she hates me. The only solution is to let her have her way totally. How do I deal with this? Meds? Let her live with her mom? She was the sweetest child until at age 10 she started her menses. I really need help. This once beautiful relationship has turned into my being fearful everday, walking on eggshells daily. What are some meds they give for this. She wants to get control over her anger. Wants to go back to see her pediatrician and gets meds. She is grasping at straws. So am I!!!
The fact she’s ‘always had crushes on boys’ means nothing when she’s only 12. I didn’t realise I was bisexual until I was 30. Sexual attraction is separate from gender identity which is separate from sex. If she is assaulting you, how on earth is it relevant what length she wants her hair? Some of the worlds most beautiful supermodels who work on the catwalk all day have short hair or buzz cuts. You have already made your decision to check out. ‘I cannot raise her if she is hitting me, swearing at me, says she hates me’. You then say ‘the only solution is to give her what she wants’. No, it’s what you want. No child changes completely overnight unless they have a brain injury. You’re failing to develop insight into your own role into this situation. You can be part of the solution or part of the problem. Are you seeing a therapist? Are you engaging in family therapy? There’s a lot more which can be done here.
How about oral contraceptives to help decrease the effect of her menses on her mental health swings? And take her to a psychologist for an evaluation, and a psychiatrist if medication is being considered.
woe betide he who feels that his weekness is his strenghth for this person will surely be brought to that place ware tears will lie in a wate for him , i thought i had grasped this prnciple how rong i was and am
You contradict yourself sam unless I am misunderstanding. You say that when you are kind hearted you assume all people are the like. If you're honest you believe all people are. If you're narcissistic all people are ect However you then proclaim that narcissists are great judges of character and size u up determining your weakness ect Which is it? If they believe the first school of thought and believe all people are narcissists they wouldn't then be able to determine empathy in a possible targeted victim, because the narcissist isn't an empathic being. They only, according to your teachings, feel bitterness and rage as base emotions. Therefore determining another's empathic characteristics wouldn't be plausible if they believed all people were narcissistic. Am I missing something here?
What’s absolutely mind blowing to me is when I meet my husband two weeks in I said “are you putting a spell on me” 20 years later and a restraining order… I was right! Womens intuition!!
I am so glad to be out of this crazy nightmare
I am constantly mimicking voices, including yours professor. After hours of listening to you, literally, I begin to talk like you, passively. I've done this with friends and cartoons shows.
I have a narcissistic father, and a passive codependent mother.
Don't know what I am, but I was said to have ADHD, and the meds and have improved me. I'm at your disposal if I can be an asset to your research.
I was trapped in the Savior position with my narcissist it was a total waste of time. Accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can and wisdom to know it's you. The only thing you'll ever change is yourself
Amazing and true, you can only change yourself, your thinking, your position or it will drive you batty 😥
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This understanding was exactly what I needed to let go... I am mind blown. My narc loved watching videos on current AI robots and has told me so many times that he was not human etc... the last 10yrs of my life with him just became clear as day and I feel so free to continue on unattached... it all makes so much sense now... just WOW thank you
Ya that is why they "forgive" and come back all the time. It's not love, it's because they dont care at all, they just want narcissistic supply. We are objects to them.
@@andylima24 mine never said he was sorry. Last time he cussed , called me names. I asked him to apologize. He said no apology. That was it for me. I'm at no contact.
That is a fascinating analysis…I always thought he was so forgiving…” Forgive and forget” he’d always say. And he was so good at it! But it’s because he doesn’t care! That makes so much more sense. After what he did to me this last time, I just can’t imagine him ever coming back to try to Hoover me, because if he knows me at all, he KNOWS I would NEVER take him back. But because of this idea, just the notion he needs supply and I was prime, grade A supply, he might be back…? Ugh, 🙄 let’s hope not. 🤞🏼
Prime grade a lol
Another educational video Sam, thank you. You hit on many topics that explains the true behaviors of a narcissists. Yes, the Pollyanna effect is very true! I remember actually having a calm discussion with my narcissist whereas he didn't twist blame avoid or project. He actually listened. He asked why I cry when he feels hurt. "Why are you always trying to understand me cry when I'm having a hard time...it makes no sense. You're weak." I answered "Some people have a lot of empathy for others. I feel your pain. Thats why it effects me when you are happy, sad, mad." Him "But why would you care about what others feel? Its not logical. It doesn't make sense to me." He literally could not understand empathy. I could see it in his facial expressions. He was diagnosed with Aspergers with RAD as a child. Im not sure if that is accurate because he lives 100% in the shared fantasy world as an adult. From the minute we met online, he love bombed and soon followed with the extreme desire to marry me. When I suggested we wait and date for a year, he grew annoyed and frustrated but agreed until I decided let's go for it. Im ready...thats when he began to pull back. He loves the shared fantasy the magical idea of endless love but when you force him to put it into reality, he withdraws because he is feeding this shared fantasy of marriage and endless love with multiple women. A lesson I learned. Yes, they use words meticulously with caution. He is void inside. There isn't anyone inside. He can't hold on to the love you pour on him...it slips through the holes of his shell disguised as a body.
Both. As I was reading I thought this sounds like Aspergers and there it was - BUT trust me Asperger’s comorbid with narcissism is a real thing. I’ve just had 5 years dealing with this and I’m still traumatised.
Narcissists often pretend to be asperger only to fool people.
When you catch their strange behaviors - 🚩🚩🚩 - than they can explain it away - gaslight you.
If there is explotation and entittelement than it is 100% narcissism.
Don't look for empathy - they can fake it.
Explotation and entittelement is the kie to find aut.
Basically if u r with someone because u feel bad for them…RUN
I agree. The innocence you see in them is actually emptiness.
What should I do if someone is with me because they feel bad for me?
Because I ran too
3 relationship's iv had with Narcissistic men I notice when I looked back there were no hobbies / interests / pass times ...just pure focus on me...no likes or dislikes mentioned either....I guess this makes sense to me now ...having that there is " No Self' ".... empty just staring at you hanging on your every word...a ridiculous amount of texting too 🤔
Yes. Their only hobbies are actually addictions. If they pretend to have a hobby or trade, the work is usually horrendous.
Yes my current narc has no friends, no hobbies, and lots of addictions to keep him in the pleasure zone. His life has totally fallen apart from me ending it and he won't leave the house either. Very weird
Your best video yet! Everything you say here solidifies the fact that I’ve been dealing with a machine, a robot an empty shell. Terrifying that these type of “people” roam the world. Terrifying!!! Narcissist steal your identity, steal your soul & leave you confused, lost & totally unsure of what is real and what is not. When interacting with a narcissist, which I have been for the last 5 years in a work relationship - not sexual, I have lived ALL of the things you say here in this video. I am trying to get myself, my identity, my soul, my body, my life, & my reality back! Everything you say about covert narcissist hits me hard and I have been living in this nightmare for 5 years! I’m trying to escape. These videos have helped me immensely - thank you!
Yes, Sam Vaknin s videos has been my only therapy and I have learned a lot. Everything makes sense now.
Be thankful It wasnt intimate, what your going through is amplified to the extreme in an intimate relationship with Covert N's, 5 years with female, and it takes that long to figure out WTF happened to me
I noticed a lot of people who work in security work are these personality disorders. It attracts certain type of people this field. They all act allusive or they are better and different compared to others. They suspect you as suspicious and a threat but that's them projecting
The amount of shoplifting where I work. They have a right to be suspicious.
This one of Sam's most brilliant videos. I go on and off listening to his videos over the years - he is so amazingly accurate in his descriptions
Thank you for letting me know this this is exactly how they are. my ex husband never cared if I cheated never cared what I did even if I didn't come back. he insulted and called me names relentlessly without caring. he was the meanest brutalist person I knew. no physical abuse just emotional. He has no awareness of how abusive he was and he alswys tells me he never did anything to me. He thinks he has done nothing wrong. He never cared if I cried.He called them fake tears.
Yup! Same here. When I cried, he told me , I can play my victim role elsewhere. Maybe someone else believe it... They are ALL THE SAME!
Tried until found some reason to make me tear up or make me cry then satisfied and sometimes became the comforter.
just want to say cheaters do lose value...even a non narcissist would treat a cheater with far less value if they remain in the relationship
I'm continually impressed with this dude. Not only is he knowledgable about psychology, but he's also referencing Blade Runner extremely well.
How does he do it? Using the baby gaze looking you in the eye, simple. To this type of gaze, all human beings react positively, it is a genetic conditioning. Any person cannot resist the child's gaze, because this gaze conveys unawareness and the need for help. The pathological narcissist is a person who, following severe deprivation of love suffered in early childhood, has not developed empathy and emotional intelligence. He has therefore emotionally remained a child of about 4 or 5 years, he does not pretend this look: it is his look. Alternatively there is the other look, that of the bad child because he has been injured, that look that is scary, however, done by an adult, that look that we define as "Crazy" or "Psychopathic".
Holy shit. A huge lightbulb just went off in my head from reading this. Wow. Thank you for sharing.
You win. It’s the gaze.
My younger brother has this gaze whenever anyone attempts to have an adult conversation with him. He just stares, with large brown eyes and a relaxed, baby-like mouth. He was never raised, just left in front of a television to raise himself. Our mother was addicted to gambling, an asthma diagnosis, and victimhood. His father totally abandoned him. Sad stuff.
You freed me from biases against myself today. Since sitting near my father as a child aware of uncanny value I blamed myself for not being interesting enough to activate him.
They always have to see me to collect data. Why if narc us robotic do they need to restore grandiosity?
Machines do not operate without data. Machines need a program to run. This is why no contact works best. No data, no program.
I remember after numerous instances of hearing his justifications for his behavior,I straight out said "You know you don't think like normal people right?".Without breaking eye contact he said"I know".
Thank you! This video saved me from going crazy, trying to understand my experience!
I am a social worker and a perfect target. Took me a long time to get this! This information is so validating of my experience.
Robots in meat suits!
👏👏👏😀yes true
no. CHILDREN.
Omg, I just remembered when I first met him he called people meat. I thought I misunderstood him and he said again coldly” they are just meat”.
@@cosciarossa1672 No, children have empathy.
Fascinating video. Gives great insite into their behaviour. Thank you so much for all your videos.
One time , after getting a delayed emotionless response to significant news I’d just told her, I told my narc jokingly: “you’re like an android simulating human behavior”
Man this video is timely. Trust your feelings
For the past few years, this ignoring of significant information got worse. So in the end I just used to walk out. As I got to the door he'd always do a delayed pretend interest. In the last months of the relationship I didn't even bother reacting. It was totally fake
Honey trap for sure, I have been stuck since June 2018. And, yes, I have no access to this man's mind 🙄 I don't understand him no matter how I try. This has been the biggest lesson in my life. I can only think as I think, others do not think like I do!!! This is difficult to grasp for me at times. 😢
@@daviedood2503 I have told him before, I am not his live human blow up doll, I do have feelings and emotions. It is just a release for him, no feelings in those actions at all, just a big show to impress himself and to keep the flashlight turned on, hot, and wanting. Especially with the lack of unity 😪
@@daviedood2503 thank you. You are making good points! It is so painful. Crying in front of them gives them the ultimate fuel! You are correct. What a very, very painful life lesson 😡😤
@@Job.Well.Done_01 thank you! Yes, I will pray for all myself 🙏🏽 What a horrible place to find oneself in... unforgiving, unappreciative and extremely self serving. It is great that we were brave and strong enough to GET OUT!!!
Had to talk myself out of the unease all the time! Couldn’t maintain eye contact. I felt sick. I knew that went it went wrong the whole circle of friends would say we told you so!
REPLICANTS 🤯 I wish I had known about all of this before I met one. I’ve experienced a lot, but never ever did it occur to me for a second that this man I was falling in love with was faking empathy or emotion. He DID use words very specifically and deliberately, and he knew I was a writer so that was appealing to me . He did kind things for me and for others all the time, and everyone loved him. But I never knew about the ones who didn’t because I am guessing he blocked them from his life. I only got the cult. And then the wiring got crossed. He couldn’t keep it up. He failed the test. Broke my heart. These videos are so helpful in understanding what really happened. There’s some relief in that.
Thank you, dr. Vaknin, as a borderline woman, your genious explanations and insights, academic subjected and validated videos made me see the whole picture of my turbulent life. What a roller coaster ride! You deserve a Nobel prize in psychology and philosophy. Greetings from Slovenia!
My narc said he never knew what to say when one of his clients said someone close them had died. I said, what do you mean? He said, Im just like ummm sorry? He had NO empathy whatsoever. His mother told me that as well.
Awesome sense of humour! Incredible presentation ! Also, your view on science-fiction movies is also flawless !
Yes! My dad was , I believe, a psychopathic narcissist. I've had 2 boyfriends in the past 10 years who I believe were the same. Now, there is a new guy at my workplace who I also believe to be a person with NPD, or some cluster B mish mash. He is a fabulous worker. But when I first encountered him, my body reacted! My gut was saying something! So I decided to just listen to him, and observe. Wow. Dont push down that feeling, that intuition that something is off. However, I believe that this man, atleast in the work environment, is quite harmless. He likes to keep me abreast of his home life. That is where i really see it. He has no idea how utterly controlling he sounds! I feel for his teenage step sons.
Stay away - detach from his step son, you can't help him.
Your empathy can lead you in a trap when he uses his step son to geth under your skin.
"Substitutes remembering for feeling or sensing," this is fascinating as a "tell' to track for narcissism in others.
Mine lured me into becoming a swinger with the promises of him always being there and coming back together after our swinger events. He full on morphed me into a different person because it was the only time he made me feel valued.
Yuk!!
We were only objects.
Their goal is to turn you out, make you as sick as them, put a scarlet letter in/ on your head.
Teamwork is what happened to me. Widow for nine years I have suffered so much financial, emotional and spiritual loss. I had just completed transcranial magnetic stimulation So I felt really good when I started praying with my prayer partner. I knew him for over 25 yrs. The whole family mostly less one out of six are full blown narcissists.. Mom as the ringleader. Three years later I have to believe that the one sister who was very contrite about all of the horrible crimes committed against me. She was then looked at like the black sheep of the family. She has since passed away she was killed by a hit and rin driver in July I have to wonder why nobody's been caught 😭 n her death. I wonder if her family had😮 anything to do with it. After all this loss and trauma I have come to realize the black sheep of the family is probably the truth teller the only one.
I Thank You For your Videos Professor. You have enlightened me.
Being discarded is like the answer to all your prayers. Only they get answered in a different way than you expect them to be.
thank you for uploading this video. it really helps me understand my past relationships, my family, and myself.. thank you.
Thank you for taking the time to honor Alan Turing and all he gave us.
Such valuable information. Thank you for the content.
One of the best explanations to my years of confusion about my narcissistic sister & her every single interaction with me
Is the narcissist aware that they’re only mimicking others emotions and that they, themselves lack genuine emotions or empathy?
Narcissists are fully self-aware when it comes to their actions and choices, but, like Borderlines, they mislabel emotions and consider themselves highly empathic ("emapths") and even kind-hearted.
@@samvaknin in my experience they refer to their love bombing as proof of their kindness and also to make you feel guilty at the same time (which for me caused me to mislabel my own emotions to the seemingly calculated benefit of the narcissist).
@@samvaknin This is very interesting. How they mislabel emotions if they don't have any (besides feelings of anger, frustration and depression)? Do they label their actions (fake help, fake kindness, fake interest ...) as empathy? Is it possible that a narcissist cry? If yes, why?
@@samvaknin Are they aware that their empathy is cold empathy and it is different?
@@alicewonderland8027they can mimic crying bc they read the situation and learn it’s the appropriate response. Mine could conjure tears in a nanosecond to get out of being accountable. That way, I became the care taker and it took the focus off me being mad at his wrong doings.
Mimicry and hoarding may be linked. It struck me when you said make-up at 1:02:00 ish. Thank you. this describes my mom. And the aggressive mimicry describes my dad. And the alcohol addiction describes how I chose my ex-husband lol. I think my son is Pan and my daughter is just lost to me forever, she adores her grandfather's aggressive mimicry. I have been deep into Jungian analysis and active imagination work because I think these people in my life are all projections from me.
He used to tell me, “Quit being a baby in thinking people aren’t twisted in their minds. You walk around like this world is good. Like people aren’t sizing you up.”
Going around thinking everyone is "sizing you up" is a projection of his own paranoia. Not everyone is focused on others like some like to believe. I think ppl are more interested in themselves, preoccupied, or if anything, trying to look busy.
if that's the worst of his behavior you're getting off light....
@@ElroyMunson It wasn’t. I was just referencing that quote in relation to the video. I was physically, emotionally and mentally abused. Also had to get VD test after I found about the seven women he had cheated on me with. I don’t miss being his “mom” or him screaming so close to my face that his spit would go in my eyes. I don’t miss being so confused, angry and broken-hearted that I would freeze in place unable to speak or cry when he’d rage. I do remember his words. My brain records things like movies I can revisit. Conversations, what someone was wearing or things like backgrounds/places.
@@jenniehettrick4204 I'm really sorry... I kinda knew that your comment was the tip of the iceberg of your parasite's behavior...
I apologize for instigating all that toxic dirt. You're absolutely dealing with a genuine article. I can't imagine... that's on a whole new level ... Men have to be 10 times worse than women with this dysfunction. For whatever reason, I thought of their sublime ability to leverage our empathy against us... Reminded me of the Green Mile...
Paul Edgecomb (elderly): We each owe a death, there are no exceptions, but oh God, sometimes the Green Mile seems so long.
John Coffey: He killed them with their love. That's the way it is, all over the world, every day.
John Coffey: "I'm tired,Boss.
@@ElroyMunson Absolutely no apologies needed. We cannot read minds and the implications of texted words are interpreted by their reader.
Thank You, this is a master work. As a person who has had a very strong clairsentience all my life, and many experience with Narcissists and their discards, I can support the many profound inferences that you have elucidated. Thank you for the effort and insight that brings the viewer to the conclusion which I believe is 1000% correct. I have felt for some time now that it is important to bring the Narcissist in from the cold. We must find a way. If not we relagate the most abused members of our global society to unending suffering while remaining able to participate in their ongoing wounding. Most tell me that I'm just crazy but I hold to this notion. What are they here to teach us about us? Why do we produce SO many with callus disregard for their plight?
The psychopath narcissist ex would always blame myself, someone else, a negative circumstance From my past , to deflect , blame shift , gaslight and project all of his guilt ,shame , and reject any threats or perceived slights to his delusional God like flawless innocent imposter victim image
I had the ten bells alarm going when I met this person as an adult. I rationalised by thinking I was just afraid because it was my first relationship. It took me about a decade to find out that it was my intuition.
Now I understand the meaning of Jonny Depp's recorded words when he said, "you aren't there" to Amber Heard. He was taken in by an illusion that wasn't real and would not sustain.
You have just described my brother. He had no emotion at all when our father died. His reactions were a total disconnect to the shock of a family death. He never spoke of his death. He hardly talks about father like he never existed. I remember I had told my brother it was OK for him to cry and grieve. To this day I am not sure he grieves at all. He does not reason with me nor with mother but takes charge on our decisions instead. Is he narcissistic?
A Masterpiece from a fellow MD
MD with NPD
16:52 Could this be why he couldn't stand when we talked and he couldn't see my facial expressions, depending on how we were sitting, etc.?
Great video as always!
Wow professor Vaknin this is so so interesting. I hope one day I will be able to discuss with you about that. Thank you for sharing this for free.
What about those who almost always tell the truth and do so partially because they are too consumed with always doing/saying the right thing, or consumed with stating only “facts”?
Or because no one is worth the effort to lie to. The problem is not what they are saying - the problem is that you never listen. You WANT to be duped. Watch the vids about self-gaslighting.
Beyond Pollyanna defenses, malignant optimism, as part of what makes us easier to be lured into the shared fantasy, I'd add we all know there's next to no education (say, during K12 education), that there are intraspecies predators, for this to be put across in such a way to be learned, comprehended deeply, etc. So partly 'beyond the psychology' and I'm not in disagreement with Vaknin but I wanna say this with some tonal force: it is early days, so to speak. Take the human race writ large, NPD, 1971. Not 1671. But 40 years ago. Take a related low road personality.. The mask of sanity. Is that book thousands of years old? No. Metaphors like angels are thousands of years old. We're completely blind left with billions of love songs that start to all make sense once a normie turns 90.
Very interesting. Thank you.
THX1138 is the best science fiction film ever.
Do you have an advice on how to 'walk away' from an (ageing) mother who gives exactly the (eerie) feelings you describe? It seems to me more difficult than walking away from a partner. Also: I have noticed differences in in-person communication vs. telephone/chat with a narcissist, like those are two different people. Can you explain? Thank you!
Why is it more difficult? An abuser is an abuser is an abuser. End of story. The narcissist ACTS in both cases, but modulates his acting when he has no access to your body language.
@@samvaknin ah, that is what I thought (about the body language. She indeed seems to be mimicking it, so there's an additional dimension to the (mis)communication). Thanks so much for everything, this video was especially enlightening.
@@thegrassisgreener576 colder
Thank you so much , it is very interesting
Thanks Sam❤ love u❤
Thank you for this video
THANK YOU!!!
Brilliant.
If our mirror neurons are activated more by an android than a human, could it be it is some instinct to try and activate our mirror neurons to affect theirs- as if we can tell they are not human? Like when you speak in a slightly quieter voice to someone who is talking very loudly in a way to influence them to lower their voices.
Huh? Lol.
They make you cry and gloome in joy..
Ha! A supervisor asked, "So, what is your favorite movie of all-time?" I replied, "Blade Runner." He then replied, "THAT IS NOT a SOBER movie. (Rinse. Repeated.)" I am not sure what he meant.
Is this the reason that makes Narcissists really good at learning, specially languages? because the have highly advanced mimicry skills? or the reason simply is their intelligence?
Mimicry has nothing to do with language acquisition skills. Nor does intelligence.
Would one of these computers be able to identify a narcissist or psychopath when interacting with them?
Easily. They are very easy to spot instantly: groups.google.com/forum/#!topic/NARCISSISTIC-PERSONALITY-DISORDER/XpBghb0rZL0
@@samvaknin thank you for replying. I think you are amazing and i love watching your videos.
If narcissists are empty, not there, how do they ever become human, filled through therapy...?
They don’t.
@@samvaknin Yikes. Sad. Like a walking corpse.
51:24 Emotional displays in facial patterns
Thank you kindly
I am hooked on Sam Vaknin video's. It's terrible🎉
I have two questions: Why does the narcissist get terribly upset when someone else's parents die, when you say his empathy is only an imitation? This person's reactions are so real. Also, why does the narcissist hate donating money, food or time? Is there something behind that too? Does he fear losing even the most miniscule amount of money? Thank you for your extraordinary work!
I got the same questions regarding money AND crying (when someone dies).
Mine donated so he could get a tax write off, not bc he’s a charitable person. Look for the ways it was actually about him. Maybe to look good to others?
@@joyhorseman482 You could be right....after all 'looking good ' is one of the main Narcissistic needs.
You are the best
Remember Max Headroom?
Thank you.
Ironic you mention Blade Runner. It was the movie he introduced me to early in our relationship. I found his obsession with it very peculiar. Now it makes total sense, but how, if he understood the process of replicants so well, can I say he isn't aware?
Narcissists are self-aware samvak.tripod.com/2.html
Dexter
The future of AI...
I have seen the pretend tears. I am for the first time today ( after 16 years) aware that I am in a Narcissist relationship. No sexual connection.. verbal abusive . ,my partner looks to androids films to make him to feel ok.... I can have no sex with him... 16 years and never realised why .. until today ............are you open to personal PM'S? I am ........so at my wits end to know how to cope.
Isn't too hard , for the physical body to endure
We have to Develop some evil in US in Order to protect ourselves
“-that in order to fight them to the finish and with full rectitude, it is your morality that you must reject.”
-Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand
When you have black skinned friends especially in infancy the black skin bias disappears, I would assure you!
"Uncanny".....Try mercenaries. Human android killers. Know.
Sorry for the non-related question: were you talking about the ERICA actroid?
There are many actroids by now.
@@samvaknin Yes, for sure.
Sam, I spontaneously ask myself the question: do you like 80's cartoons with Japanese robots? They are beautiful, right?
What if....He is exactly on point...and they really are replicants? Well i love science fiction and i am going to run with this idea for the rest of the day...or longer
Aren’t we all some form of damaged? Is it more about finding which devils dance well with yours?
That is your job to heal. Even if it means being alone for several years until you have healthy boundaries.
I love that. Yes, we are all wounded, if only a little. Life on planet earth is hard work;)
Why does my narc want to cross dress’s
Something I am interested in too. My ex husband heavily into cross dress. I think it was auto erotic, a fusion with his mother, maybe incest fantasy. Had a shopping addiction with it and gambling. Very confusing.
Sam, I need help as they are saying my 12 yo has ODD,anxiety,social anxiety, and depression. The therapists not helping, only encouraging transgenderism and confusing her. She has always had 'crushes' on boys but not with much interaction. Now she cannot get her hair short enough. She is punches me and punching holes in walls. I have been raising her and have court ordered guardianship and now she wants to live with her mom, a drug addict who allows abusers to live with her and ends up in hospital from the abuse. NOT safe for a 12 yo. her pediatrician wants to g9ve her time to heal then bring her back to him in a few months. He doesn't quite accept this diagnosis but I cannot raise her when she is violent to me, calls me names, says she hates me. The only solution is to let her have her way totally. How do I deal with this? Meds? Let her live with her mom? She was the sweetest child until at age 10 she started her menses. I really need help. This once beautiful relationship has turned into my being fearful everday, walking on eggshells daily. What are some meds they give for this. She wants to get control over her anger. Wants to go back to see her pediatrician and gets meds. She is grasping at straws. So am I!!!
The fact she’s ‘always had crushes on boys’ means nothing when she’s only 12. I didn’t realise I was bisexual until I was 30.
Sexual attraction is separate from gender identity which is separate from sex.
If she is assaulting you, how on earth is it relevant what length she wants her hair? Some of the worlds most beautiful supermodels who work on the catwalk all day have short hair or buzz cuts.
You have already made your decision to check out. ‘I cannot raise her if she is hitting me, swearing at me, says she hates me’.
You then say ‘the only solution is to give her what she wants’.
No, it’s what you want.
No child changes completely overnight unless they have a brain injury.
You’re failing to develop insight into your own role into this situation. You can be part of the solution or part of the problem.
Are you seeing a therapist? Are you engaging in family therapy?
There’s a lot more which can be done here.
How about oral contraceptives to help decrease the effect of her menses on her mental health swings? And take her to a psychologist for an evaluation, and a psychiatrist if medication is being considered.
Is it possible to destroy the shared fantasy with a narcissistic parent? Will there still be a relationship left?
no contact is most effective. In short, no. At least hopefully.
I’m sorry but this hole thing is fucked up im out of this crazy maze
Haha he keeps going but seems to know what he's talking about
Are people with Aspergers not human either?
They are humans, they have empathy.
Many narcissists pretend to be aspergers to gaslight people.
That is funny the non- hotelier Bateseans are pretending thus: sheep in wolves' 'clothing'...
woe betide he who feels that his weekness is his strenghth for this person will surely be brought to that place ware tears will lie in a wate for him , i thought i had grasped this prnciple how rong i was and am
You contradict yourself sam unless I am misunderstanding.
You say that when you are kind hearted you assume all people are the like. If you're honest you believe all people are. If you're narcissistic all people are ect
However you then proclaim that narcissists are great judges of character and size u up determining your weakness ect
Which is it? If they believe the first school of thought and believe all people are narcissists they wouldn't then be able to determine empathy in a possible targeted victim, because the narcissist isn't an empathic being. They only, according to your teachings, feel bitterness and rage as base emotions. Therefore determining another's empathic characteristics wouldn't be plausible if they believed all people were narcissistic. Am I missing something here?
Narcissist believe themselves to be empathic (“empaths”).
@@samvaknin Or they want to present themselves as emphatic knowing their true self?
@@irenesantos5811 Q
Tbm. Ben non. Bbmmlmo
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