I want to healthy and happier because I am passive aggressive. I recently had a confrontation with my daughter and she pointed out my behavior and I opened up resources and I am admitting that I’m displacing this behavior. So I’m trying to be informed enough to start recovering from this condition!! Your videos hit home and opened my eyes . Thank you!
Terri, you are a treasure! I caught myself accusing another friend of being Passive aggressive but realized I am very passive aggressive but described it as "non-confrontational".
BreeZ Place There are different ways to confront/address people and situations but there's only TWO catagories, direct and indirect. iNonconfrontational is a euphemism for aggressive confrontation that is sneaky and underhanded. All those people are doing are confronting indirectly aka passive-aggresively.
Oh my God, this hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been married almost 20 years and my marriage is on its last legs. My wife has told me she didn't have any romantic feeling for me because I wasn't meeting her needs and that's because I exhabited so much passive agressive behavior or silence and withdrawing from her that she never knew what my mood was and that she said she has a knot in her chest all the time around me and couldn't be who she thinks she is. She was the one that told me that I am passive agressive and after 19 years and nothing left to lose I started researching it and God damn I am so PA . I have decided to go to counseling to fix this. It's unreal what a Fed up childhood can do.
I’ve been married to a PA man for 51 years. I knew he had a problem from his childhood but didn’t know what he had until recently. I will say it is very anxiety crippling for a partner and I believe it has affected my physical health because of it. He made me believe it was my fault because I would blow up. I hope you found the help you need. I know it’s terrible for both you and your wife.
@@mrking695 Yeah my marriage ended but I've been in therapy since a week after we separated in 2019. I am much happier by myself and I believe she is too. My kids are happy as well. The marriage couldn't survive both of our unresolved childhood traumas but that's ok. I have 3 great kids and a good career and life moves and you either move with it or you get ran over.
@@kevindsmith10000 that sounds really good and I’m happy for you both. I wish my husband and I had divorced but now we’re both in our 70s, so I guess I’ll do the death till we part thing. I know I have my own issues, too. Who doesn’t? But sometimes as you said, it’s just too much. I have two adult children who seem well-adjusted with families of their own so I guess we got part of it right. I hope you have a happy rest of your life.
I really like Terri, she comes across very sincere. I would also add, when a person is passive-aggressive, they can't get their ways by simply being honest. As a result, they design their actions in order to get what they are looking for.
I've let alot of situations slide and I never stood up for myself, especially in Highschool and home life. Those experiences has led me to become passive aggressive, and expressing my feelings are uncomfortable for me. I never say wants really on my mind. I've acknowledged this but, I don't know how to release this anger, and let go of what happened in the past.
Thanks for sharing here, Lea. Keep at it my dear. The more you express yourself directly, calmly and with kindness- the less angry you will feel AND the less passive aggressive you will need to be. I am cheering you on !!
God, this speaks volumes to me. Thank you! The problem is is that you were abviously very lucky with your partner while I, just like you said, have this "role" in relationships where I'm not satisfied how it's going so i lash out and am passive agressive. It goes deep because just as you perfectly described it, it stems from very early in my childhood and parents. So I feel people don't take my feelings into consideration and even when I do manage to finally speak up my romantic partners for example dont want to work on it, or I am painted as the one who "alway complains". I feel like I'm stuck in an awful circle. Would love to hear your insight if you ever read this.
Huge thanks !!! This is so valuable. In my family there was no communication. I started going into therapy and still do and it has changed me in many ways. I’d encourage everyone to do. Some people say it is too expensive. I prefer investing in my mental health instead of driving a very expensive car or live in a fancy house. My personal growth means the world to me. Wished more people did .. our planet would be more peaceful. I am still on my journey and I have learned, shocking but true, that I behave in a passive agressive way. Thanks for your valuable videos 🙏🌷. Love from Belgium ❤️
I had to depart a relationship because of this. I could not live with it. I felt fear, being unsure what was 'going on behind the scenes'. Feeling manipulated by their behaviour, not being told what was on their mind,. I felt on edge and often controlled. It was very sad. A lovely man, stuck in a habit that pushes people away.
Good for you for leaving. This is dysfunctional behavior that never gets better unless the person wants it to. Save yourself and try to delve into why you were attracted in the first place. Was was the behavior familiar? xo
I'm glad you speak about Honest discourse. I've try to have an honest discussion with my partner and every time I got shot down. That's abusive on so many levels. It eroded the relationship completely.
Thank you! You have explained this so clearly. Now I so get it. I loved these first two videos. I will be watching your videos every day now. You're so good at this. This goes clear back to my childhood which explains it all. Even why my siblings do it.....dysfunctional family. Even in my marriage which I ended after 35 years to a narcissist and never being allowed to have an opinion or speak. I'm changing my life around for me! Learning everything I can on all of this bad behavior. Thank you for your help!!!
I had no idea that I have been acting passive aggressively when it comes to conflicts both mine and others towards me. This has been really helpful. I hope I can use this to better build my relationships.
I was passive aggressive at work and it affected my colleagues,manager and me. One day the Manager told me and I quote....I need you to just be consistent and dependable...end quote. He bought me a book on emotional intelligence by Daniel Coleman and I read it, practised it and now I prospering career wise and at home/society
Thank you so much for your video!!! All the other videos I've watched about passive aggressiveness have been more directed towards identifying when someone is being passive aggressive towards you and how to get away from that person. They make the passive aggressive person seem like an evil entity when in reality we simply don't know how to communicate our feelings in a healthy way ( speaking for myself). Being passive aggressive has brought me a lot of pain. I really do not like to be passive aggressive, and I don't do it with the intention to hurt the other person. I do it to protect myself (if that makes sense). I don't like to put my feelings "out there." I feel that by keeping my feelings to myself, I protect myself from getting hurt. But, I end up hurting the other person, myself and the relationship. I really wish to change. I wish it with every bit of my heart, and I am seeking professional help to help me in my journey.
Thank you so much for both these videos. I have just ended a close friendship with someone who was very passive aggressive. They would say everything was fine & withdraw or make plans with me & cancel at the last minute or even rearrange without checking with me. I felt like I continually had to give more to keep them happy while always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was making me so anxious & confused I was finding setting boundaries really hard. In the end walking away was the only thing I could do.
I love this video. Thank you so much for the breakdown. I developed passive aggressiveness by feeling unsafe in a relationship where my feelings were constantly invalidated and I was devalued. I thought there was no point in communicating my true feelings because I was always invalidated. The passive aggressiveness also became problematic. I ended up leaving the relationship altogether.
Thanks for the video on passive aggression. It clarified and named what I now recognise in my reactions and behaviour. I recognise acting out passive aggression causes isolation / survival. Subconsciously its a way to cope with relationships that cause uncontrollable pain and shame. Bonding to something other than a person is next the step. Vulnerability is not not an option. Its about emotional resilence isn't ? You either have it or you don't. Its either fight or flight behaviour, depending on early developed coping skills and inner grit. Many thanks.
You are awesome. So many other people suggest that passive aggressive behavior once established will never go away. I like how you put this in the context of flurishing!
Thank you, im 52 years young and after watching this vid I now feel I have just been born again, my god I can explain the feeling I have now thank you again👍
You are just so right in your analysis. I was recently exposed to someone who manifests this behaviour. I would like to send them this video but they are not willing to face difficult topics.
Thank you! I never knew I was so passive aggressive until about 3 years ago my best friend asked me why I was so passive aggressive! Today I was being passive aggressive with my guy for absolutely the smallest thing ever and it led me to searching and to you!
Minis the New Age talk, this makes so much sense. I've been searching for a video talking about passive aggressive behavior from someone who is not a narcissist. I had two husbands that were passive aggressive, one was a covert narcissist, and one was not. Still the behavior was abusive and drove me crazy.
Above commit a big mistake and about to run away from family without knowing that in am Passive aggressive. Thanks this help a lot. And would change me personally and help me build my family up.
This was great. I feel it will help a lot for me to get to the root of why I really act the way I do sometimes. And not feeling safe to truly communicate my issues with someone especially if I’m not angry about it. I would love more videos.
I talk about creating safety in relationships here: th-cam.com/video/f2um7z0Imug/w-d-xo.html I also have a lot of videos on effective communication! You can try this one: th-cam.com/video/xpkjFkhK6tg/w-d-xo.html ❤️
I need help. I just realized that I am passive aggressive when I met my partner. It is a big deal for us and causes argument. How can I improve my habit? Please help.
Thank you for your Q, Christian. Your awareness is step one and your desire for it to be different is step 2. Step 3 is to be aware of the way you feel and to NOT react but breathe deep and RESPOND when you are upset. You can do it!!
I have noticed and believe that sometimes passive-aggressive behavior is a form of manipulation to get what they want: the PA-person will not say what they want but they end up manipulating the situation (by actions: being late, forgetting, not seeing a text message, not noticing an email, etc.) in such a way that only once possible course of action ends up being doable/workable, etc. It is so exhausting dealing with people who are not aware of how dysfuctional their behavior is and who are not willing to take steps in a healthy directions. As dr.Cloud writes in his books... limits are needed but that is so exhausting, when it is needed so often.
***** thank you terry your a very inspiring women. I was going to see a therapist but didn't end up going. I won't blame anybody except myself or make excuses. I just find it hard to break these habits its way more challenging then people assume. I'm kinda in a loop like you explained in the first video. Side note I have been interested in psychology most of my life but this video shined a light in a dark place. I plan to go to college for psychology just because of you. Just me noticing how well you explained my thought process really gives me hope that I can recover from this and someday help youth who are going threw the same thing. Sincerely thank you
I finally confronted a coworker this morning and it does feel good to get it all out in the open. My coworker had got quiet at the end of the school year. I did not say anything, that is me. Well the new me today decided to Ask Her If She Was Ok, she had been so quiet? I thought she would say everything is fine but No, she blast me an said I Don't Like It When You ask Me a lot Of Questions! I apologized and said well I am glad you told me and I wont ask you questions. I think I had asked her if she was sick last year and then she began to get quiet. ANyway I guess she is private type which is ok and now I understand. Hope it goes better but anyway it is out in the open. If she ignores me at least I had the courage to ask her and I can go on and enjoy kids we work with. Thank you Terri.
I have been surrounded by people who do mean passive-aggressive behaviors in my life. Seemingly, without any provocation, people (husband, best friend, father etc.) did really mean stuff to me for no reason. I read a book on passive-aggressive behavior, and I had numerous revelations. When my mother had a hysterectomy at 46, she was adamant that I go to my advanced college classes (after many conversations) in the morning and visit her in the recovery room after her surgery, rather than sit in the family room during her surgery. I passed my father as I entered the elevator to visit my mother in the recovery room, and he was clearly angry with me, which was very confusing to meat the time. Fast forward 26 years when I needed the same surgery for the same reason. My father never visited me in the hospital. Years later, I realized, after learning about passive-aggressive behavior, that he was paying me back for what he perceived was a slight to my mother. Wow. Just wow.
Thank you! I find it hard to express my sincere concerns when I feel a friend being bothered by me for something, but without having told me. I wonder if it is my imagination or reality. It might be that I grew up being told I am too sensitive all the time and I'm bothered by little things, and now I just don't want to seem to my friends and new people I want to become friends with as so sensitive to things. I wonder though if it is just normal and not being dramatic to not be okay all the time within relationships!
How do you get what you need from a relationship when asking for it doesn’t work and passive aggression only drives them further away? How do you tell them what you need? How do you ask them to give you what you need without being negative and passive aggressive?
Terry, How does one deal with someone who is so compartmentalized that he/she cannot admit or acknowledge his/her passive aggressiveness? It's so frustrating to explain how I interpret the disconnect between body language and speech and be gaslit.
well I confronted my coworker and it went TERRIBLE! She has continued to ignore me but I guess it was a good thing I confronted because I know where I stand. You cant make everyone like you and feel like it was a waste of time. I plan on enjoying the kids I work with and others that do appreciate me. I feel like crying, I guess the people pleasing in me but I did have the courage to try and work it out, her loss. Doesn't always work out.
Shit... passive aggressiveness leads to bitterness... I have done this at work. It wasn't until I told the person I'm bitter at that it freed me. Some people don't ever realize this, and just live in their bitterness. I don't want this for me! Or anyone but definitely not me!
As the oldest daughter of a narcissistic mother, I am passive aggressive (at times I think). In my relationships with siblings, I don't feel safe emotionally with them because of all the triangulation in this family. How does one become authentic and express anger directly in this setting?
Hi there, how can I speak to someone to gain skills on how to behave better in my relationship and not be passive aggressive? I have been this way with my partner but I want to stop. I want to speak with someone to learn new ways to communicate. Can you help me?
If one person becomes aware enough to stop engaging in the passive aggressive "dance" -the other person will have to do something different. I cannot predict exactly what that might be but I can say that when one person changes the other person is impacted and many times one person shifting and learning how to talk straight rather than act out feelings is enough to make the relationship much healthier. Thanks for a great question!
When I was 18 and told my dad I wanted to go to culinary arts school to be a chef - he told me it’d be stupid if I went to school to be a chef he told me I’d be broke and homeless. So I never pursued.
This literally just happened were i kept making passive aggressive comments to friends i really care abt and it finally became to much and ive been kinda cut out. I dont know how to go about ammending my mistakes, but with this new understanding i can have a chance. What would you recommend for how i should broach these mistakes?
supposing they have made it OBVIOUS in a subtle way that cant be Proved......that they don't CARE how you feel? Even if you reveal how you really feel at this point OR by the LACK of communication for periods of time that are inappropriate ? Also....supposing letting them Know how you feel causes them to have a better understanding on HOW to cause you to be even MORE miserable...?
Mary, It depends on who the person is and how they are connected to you. If it is your primary personal relationship and they don't care how you feel...that is a major problem. If it is work or friends, use the information as data and makes decisions accordingly. Thanks for sharing here.
I am def a passive agressive, but I'm married to a person with narcissistic personality. You can't get any point across to these people, so the advice for that is not to react. This is confusing. I have so much internal stress, and it has caused outward anxiety, and unhappiness, He has been disbled for years, and has gotten worse over the years, making me feel I can't leave. Advice for my situation? I truly hate my life.
I"m witnessing you with compassion. You matter also. Your thoughts, feelings, opinions and needs matter. You also deserve to express yourself and have your needs met and have boundaries in place that allow you to take care of you. I have a lot of videos about boundary setting with narcs and difficult people, and that may be a good place to start.
You did not tell us how to handle passive aggressive behaviour eg what to say to someone who is saying this? How to act towards someone by being like this? How to help someone with passive aggressive behaviour without hurting them? I got nothing out of this other than telling me what passive aggressive behaviour is!!!
I just went back and watched both of the vids on this topic that I recorded and I have to say, you are totally right! Too much explaining what it is and not enough strategies on how to deal with it in real life. Thank you so much for pointing it out-I will totally record a more solution oriented vid on this but in the meantime maybe I can actually add a little value right here right now. When dealing with passive aggressive people -the first thing is too not collude with them by responding to their covert communication. Passive aggressive behavior is a way for someone to express anger or hostility without taking responsibility for it. For example, the friend who rolls their eyes in the middle of your story or your cousin who throws you a back handed compliment like, "Although I don't normally like your cooking, tonight's meal was really good!" Not colluding looks like you actually pointing out what just happened ie: "Hey Bob I really don't appreciate you rolling your eyes as a way of communicating your disapproval of my story. If you have something to say to me -please say it directly and with words" Of for the cousin, "I don't appreciate you using a compliment about tonight's meal as a way of criticizing my cooking. If you are angry or upset with me about something, I'd appreciate if you would own it and share it with me directly" There is so much more to say on this (the solution based stuff) but I hope this was a little bit helpful and again THANK YOU for saying something, I really appreciate you taking the time. ;)
Somebody who goes out of their way to make racket with the dishes. You ask if that is necessary? They deny they are doing that. Swirling silverware in the sink smacking plates together. As anybody would you leave the room. Then you come back to the kitchen to see they WEREN'T doing the dishes. They were just doing exactly what you thought they were. Just making noise. Being annoying. The sink of their dishes is nicely organized for you to do. REALLY?!
Amazing content. My Mum has watched part 1. She has burnt out relationship and now another one with her PA behaviour.,Fingers crossed this may bring about change for her. Much gratitude. 🙏🏽🩵😘
I want to healthy and happier because I am passive aggressive. I recently had a confrontation with my daughter and she pointed out my behavior and I opened up resources and I am admitting that I’m displacing this behavior. So I’m trying to be informed enough to start recovering from this condition!! Your videos hit home and opened my eyes . Thank you!
You're welcome. Thank you for sharing your realizations!
Please do 17 videos about this!! This is really a struggle for me, and no one deals with it.
I feel like you're the mother so many of us wish we had ... someone to help us understand human emotion and physiology. Thank you so much
Terri, you are a treasure! I caught myself accusing another friend of being Passive aggressive but realized I am very passive aggressive but described it as "non-confrontational".
Hahaha! I TOTALLY get it Bree. Thanks for sharing and being here!
BreeZ Place There are different ways to confront/address people and situations but there's only TWO catagories, direct and indirect. iNonconfrontational is a euphemism for aggressive confrontation that is sneaky and underhanded. All those people are doing are confronting indirectly aka passive-aggresively.
Yes..my mother was passive aggressive..that’s where I learned it..to speak my truth means losing her approval. So continues to this day
Oh my God, this hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been married almost 20 years and my marriage is on its last legs. My wife has told me she didn't have any romantic feeling for me because I wasn't meeting her needs and that's because I exhabited so much passive agressive behavior or silence and withdrawing from her that she never knew what my mood was and that she said she has a knot in her chest all the time around me and couldn't be who she thinks she is. She was the one that told me that I am passive agressive and after 19 years and nothing left to lose I started researching it and God damn I am so PA . I have decided to go to counseling to fix this. It's unreal what a Fed up childhood can do.
I’ve been married to a PA man for 51 years. I knew he had a problem from his childhood but didn’t know what he had until recently. I will say it is very anxiety crippling for a partner and I believe it has affected my physical health because of it. He made me believe it was my fault because I would blow up. I hope you found the help you need. I know it’s terrible for both you and your wife.
@@mrking695 Yeah my marriage ended but I've been in therapy since a week after we separated in 2019. I am much happier by myself and I believe she is too. My kids are happy as well. The marriage couldn't survive both of our unresolved childhood traumas but that's ok. I have 3 great kids and a good career and life moves and you either move with it or you get ran over.
@@kevindsmith10000 that sounds really good and I’m happy for you both. I wish my husband and I had divorced but now we’re both in our 70s, so I guess I’ll do the death till we part thing. I know I have my own issues, too. Who doesn’t? But sometimes as you said, it’s just too much. I have two adult children who seem well-adjusted with families of their own so I guess we got part of it right. I hope you have a happy rest of your life.
I really like Terri, she comes across very sincere. I would also add, when a person is passive-aggressive, they can't get their ways by simply being honest. As a result, they design their actions in order to get what they are looking for.
I've let alot of situations slide and I never stood up for myself, especially in Highschool and home life. Those experiences has led me to become passive aggressive, and expressing my feelings are uncomfortable for me. I never say wants really on my mind. I've acknowledged this but, I don't know how to release this anger, and let go of what happened in the past.
Thanks for sharing here, Lea. Keep at it my dear. The more you express yourself directly, calmly and with kindness- the less angry you will feel AND the less passive aggressive you will need to be. I am cheering you on !!
God, this speaks volumes to me. Thank you! The problem is is that you were abviously very lucky with your partner while I, just like you said, have this "role" in relationships where I'm not satisfied how it's going so i lash out and am passive agressive. It goes deep because just as you perfectly described it, it stems from very early in my childhood and parents. So I feel people don't take my feelings into consideration and even when I do manage to finally speak up my romantic partners for example dont want to work on it, or I am painted as the one who "alway complains". I feel like I'm stuck in an awful circle. Would love to hear your insight if you ever read this.
Huge thanks !!! This is so valuable. In my family there was no communication. I started going into therapy and still do and it has changed me in many ways. I’d encourage everyone to do. Some people say it is too expensive. I prefer investing in my mental health instead of driving a very expensive car or live in a fancy house. My personal growth means the world to me. Wished more people did .. our planet would be more peaceful. I am still on my journey and I have learned, shocking but true, that I behave in a passive agressive way. Thanks for your valuable videos 🙏🌷. Love from Belgium ❤️
❤️❤️❤️
I had to depart a relationship because of this. I could not live with it. I felt fear, being unsure what was 'going on behind the scenes'. Feeling manipulated by their behaviour, not being told what was on their mind,. I felt on edge and often controlled. It was very sad. A lovely man, stuck in a habit that pushes people away.
Good for you for leaving. This is dysfunctional behavior that never gets better unless the person wants it to. Save yourself and try to delve into why you were attracted in the first place. Was was the behavior familiar? xo
I'm glad you speak about Honest discourse. I've try to have an honest discussion with my partner and every time I got shot down. That's abusive on so many levels. It eroded the relationship completely.
I feel ya!
Thank you! You have explained this so clearly. Now I so get it. I loved these first two videos. I will be watching your videos every day now. You're so good at this. This goes clear back to my childhood which explains it all. Even why my siblings do it.....dysfunctional family. Even in my marriage which I ended after 35 years to a narcissist and never being allowed to have an opinion or speak. I'm changing my life around for me! Learning everything I can on all of this bad behavior. Thank you for your help!!!
Yes!! I am cheering you on!! Keep learning, keep healing.
I had no idea that I have been acting passive aggressively when it comes to conflicts both mine and others towards me. This has been really helpful. I hope I can use this to better build my relationships.
I'm so glad it was helpful ❤️
I love how natural you are when you speak, feels like a fun talk
I was passive aggressive at work and it affected my colleagues,manager and me. One day the Manager told me and I quote....I need you to just be consistent and dependable...end quote. He bought me a book on emotional intelligence by Daniel Coleman and I read it, practised it and now I prospering career wise and at home/society
Thank You for hearing me out through your words.
❤️
Beautifully done again. Very helpful. Thank you
Thank you so much for your video!!! All the other videos I've watched about passive aggressiveness have been more directed towards identifying when someone is being passive aggressive towards you and how to get away from that person. They make the passive aggressive person seem like an evil entity when in reality we simply don't know how to communicate our feelings in a healthy way ( speaking for myself). Being passive aggressive has brought me a lot of pain. I really do not like to be passive aggressive, and I don't do it with the intention to hurt the other person. I do it to protect myself (if that makes sense). I don't like to put my feelings "out there." I feel that by keeping my feelings to myself, I protect myself from getting hurt. But, I end up hurting the other person, myself and the relationship. I really wish to change. I wish it with every bit of my heart, and I am seeking professional help to help me in my journey.
i agree
Thank you so much for both these videos. I have just ended a close friendship with someone who was very passive aggressive. They would say everything was fine & withdraw or make plans with me & cancel at the last minute or even rearrange without checking with me. I felt like I continually had to give more to keep them happy while always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was making me so anxious & confused I was finding setting boundaries really hard. In the end walking away was the only thing I could do.
I hear you. That can be really painful and challenging. Staying true to you is real strength.
I love this video. Thank you so much for the breakdown. I developed passive aggressiveness by feeling unsafe in a relationship where my feelings were constantly invalidated and I was devalued. I thought there was no point in communicating my true feelings because I was always invalidated. The passive aggressiveness also became problematic. I ended up leaving the relationship altogether.
I'm so sorry to hear you were in such an awful situation, Nicole 💕 Glad you got out of it.
Thanks for the video on passive aggression. It clarified and named what I now recognise in my reactions and behaviour. I recognise acting out passive aggression causes isolation / survival. Subconsciously its a way to cope with relationships that cause uncontrollable pain and shame. Bonding to something other than a person is next the step. Vulnerability is not not an option. Its about emotional resilence isn't ? You either have it or you don't. Its either fight or flight behaviour, depending on early developed coping skills and inner grit. Many thanks.
Thanks for your insightful share, Shane!
You are awesome. So many other people suggest that passive aggressive behavior once established will never go away. I like how you put this in the context of flurishing!
Thank you, im 52 years young and after watching this vid I now feel I have just been born again, my god I can explain the feeling I have now thank you again👍
You're very welcome 🥰
I'm glad I found your page you are helping me so much. Thanks
I am so happy to hear that. Thank you for being here!
You are just so right in your analysis. I was recently exposed to someone who manifests this behaviour. I would like to send them this video but they are not willing to face difficult topics.
I LOVE how you've integrated the concepts of dharma, prahna, and chi with psychology. Thank you.
Awwwww thanks A'Biel!!! I so appreciated you being here ;)
"There's no frigen way I'm retelling it now, because it's too long." Haha! Thanks for keeping it real. :)
#JerseyGirlStyle lol!
Thank you! I never knew I was so passive aggressive until about 3 years ago my best friend asked me why I was so passive aggressive! Today I was being passive aggressive with my guy for absolutely the smallest thing ever and it led me to searching and to you!
I'm so glad this resonated with you! Thank you for being here and for sharing ❤️
Mahalo e Terri Cole for your insight and checklist. You're the first one I came to on this subject that I want to work on. =-)
Mahalo! So happy to hear it ;)
Minis the New Age talk, this makes so much sense. I've been searching for a video talking about passive aggressive behavior from someone who is not a narcissist. I had two husbands that were passive aggressive, one was a covert narcissist, and one was not. Still the behavior was abusive and drove me crazy.
Above commit a big mistake and about to run away from family without knowing that in am Passive aggressive. Thanks this help a lot. And would change me personally and help me build my family up.
This is hard work and I am mastering this
This was great. I feel it will help a lot for me to get to the root of why I really act the way I do sometimes. And not feeling safe to truly communicate my issues with someone especially if I’m not angry about it. I would love more videos.
I talk about creating safety in relationships here: th-cam.com/video/f2um7z0Imug/w-d-xo.html
I also have a lot of videos on effective communication! You can try this one: th-cam.com/video/xpkjFkhK6tg/w-d-xo.html ❤️
You've explained this so well. Thank you.
We too, love you back Terri🥰
I need help. I just realized that I am passive aggressive when I met my partner. It is a big deal for us and causes argument. How can I improve my habit? Please help.
Thank you for your Q, Christian. Your awareness is step one and your desire for it to be different is step 2. Step 3 is to be aware of the way you feel and to NOT react but breathe deep and RESPOND when you are upset. You can do it!!
I need more advise. please email me. cantoschristian12@gmail.com
You are sooooo spot on...
It warrants disbelief....thanks
I have noticed and believe that sometimes passive-aggressive behavior is a form of manipulation to get what they want: the PA-person will not say what they want but they end up manipulating the situation (by actions: being late, forgetting, not seeing a text message, not noticing an email, etc.) in such a way that only once possible course of action ends up being doable/workable, etc. It is so exhausting dealing with people who are not aware of how dysfuctional their behavior is and who are not willing to take steps in a healthy directions. As dr.Cloud writes in his books... limits are needed but that is so exhausting, when it is needed so often.
Passive aggression can definitely be a form of manipulation! It's a covert way to have an argument without directly addressing the issue.
Wow this is really helpful, you explained exactly how I think to a tee. Since I now know what is happening exactly I can improve myself going forward.
Right on, Raymond!
***** thank you terry your a very inspiring women. I was going to see a therapist but didn't end up going. I won't blame anybody except myself or make excuses. I just find it hard to break these habits its way more challenging then people assume. I'm kinda in a loop like you explained in the first video. Side note I have been interested in psychology most of my life but this video shined a light in a dark place. I plan to go to college for psychology just because of you. Just me noticing how well you explained my thought process really gives me hope that I can recover from this and someday help youth who are going threw the same thing. Sincerely thank you
Love! All, Yr sharings. TY!
Also,
Cheat-sheets Check-lists Writings.
Amazing!
Life-changing!
😁🧚🧞🧜
Glad you like them!
I finally confronted a coworker this morning and it does feel good to get it all out in the open. My coworker had got quiet at the end of the school year. I did not say anything, that is me. Well the new me today decided to Ask Her If She Was Ok, she had been so quiet? I thought she would say everything is fine but No, she blast me an said I Don't Like It When You ask Me a lot Of Questions! I apologized and said well I am glad you told me and I wont ask you questions. I think I had asked her if she was sick last year and then she began to get quiet. ANyway I guess she is private type which is ok and now I understand. Hope it goes better but anyway it is out in the open. If she ignores me at least I had the courage to ask her and I can go on and enjoy kids we work with. Thank you Terri.
she didn't come to work today. I will keep you updated how it goes next week, but at least I had the courage to open up and ask her what is wrong.
you are a beautiful blessing to this chaotic world
Thank you for your kind words!
I have been surrounded by people who do mean passive-aggressive behaviors in my life. Seemingly, without any provocation, people (husband, best friend, father etc.) did really mean stuff to me for no reason. I read a book on passive-aggressive behavior, and I had numerous revelations. When my mother had a hysterectomy at 46, she was adamant that I go to my advanced college classes (after many conversations) in the morning and visit her in the recovery room after her surgery, rather than sit in the family room during her surgery. I passed my father as I entered the elevator to visit my mother in the recovery room, and he was clearly angry with me, which was very confusing to meat the time. Fast forward 26 years when I needed the same surgery for the same reason. My father never visited me in the hospital. Years later, I realized, after learning about passive-aggressive behavior, that he was paying me back for what he perceived was a slight to my mother. Wow. Just wow.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Janathena ❤️
16:13 yes pain cannot be avoided. The question is how to survive from pain?
This two videos are great. So helpful! Thank you very much!
Thank you! I find it hard to express my sincere concerns when I feel a friend being bothered by me for something, but without having told me. I wonder if it is my imagination or reality. It might be that I grew up being told I am too sensitive all the time and I'm bothered by little things, and now I just don't want to seem to my friends and new people I want to become friends with as so sensitive to things. I wonder though if it is just normal and not being dramatic to not be okay all the time within relationships!
Thank u for explaining this type of behaviour.
You're welcome ;)Thank you for being here.
Thank you. I love your videos so much.
Thank you. Good information that is helping me process
How do you get what you need from a relationship when asking for it doesn’t work and passive aggression only drives them further away? How do you tell them what you need? How do you ask them to give you what you need without being negative and passive aggressive?
Thank you so much. I really needed this
You're welcome!
Thank you so much xx ❤🎉😊
You're so welcome ❤️
Thank you soooo much I hear your message!
We love you 2 .
Thanks. 🌹
Quite revealing indeed!
this is helpful too.
Terry, How does one deal with someone who is so compartmentalized that he/she cannot admit or acknowledge his/her passive aggressiveness? It's so frustrating to explain how I interpret the disconnect between body language and speech and be gaslit.
Thx ❤
Aggressive behaviour is words and intent not only tone and loudness.
I am going to finish it
Thank you for being here.
well I confronted my coworker and it went TERRIBLE! She has continued to ignore me but I guess it was a good thing I confronted because I know where I stand. You cant make everyone like you and feel like it was a waste of time. I plan on enjoying the kids I work with and others that do appreciate me. I feel like crying, I guess the people pleasing in me but I did have the courage to try and work it out, her loss. Doesn't always work out.
what if the passive aggressive is (justified) based on extreme heavy baggage , could it be a coping mechanism??
I have had this problem and I have been trying to solve it, unfortunately, my problem is that I wanted to be polite and nice and judgment, that's why,
Shit... passive aggressiveness leads to bitterness... I have done this at work. It wasn't until I told the person I'm bitter at that it freed me. Some people don't ever realize this, and just live in their bitterness. I don't want this for me! Or anyone but definitely not me!
As the oldest daughter of a narcissistic mother, I am passive aggressive (at times I think). In my relationships with siblings, I don't feel safe emotionally with them because of all the triangulation in this family. How does one become authentic and express anger directly in this setting?
What do I do with a passive aggressive spouse who wants more codependency while also passive aggressively accusing me of gaslighting?
Yay ! your volume is higher ...
Hi there, how can I speak to someone to gain skills on how to behave better in my relationship and not be passive aggressive? I have been this way with my partner but I want to stop. I want to speak with someone to learn new ways to communicate. Can you help me?
Is it possible to "heal" passive-aggressive" actions and communication in a relationship by only one side/partner?
If one person becomes aware enough to stop engaging in the passive aggressive "dance" -the other person will have to do something different. I cannot predict exactly what that might be but I can say that when one person changes the other person is impacted and many times one person shifting and learning how to talk straight rather than act out feelings is enough to make the relationship much healthier. Thanks for a great question!
Thanks xx
When I was 18 and told my dad I wanted to go to culinary arts school to be a chef - he told me it’d be stupid if I went to school to be a chef he told me I’d be broke and homeless. So I never pursued.
I'm witnessing you with compassion. You deserve to have your dreams and go after the things you want.
This explains it just don’t know how to change it.
This behavior is abusive.
This is what I believe to be ( the adult bullying method ) and even though we are no longer children it hurts so very bad.
Is there a private way to ask you questions? Like email?
What if you and your spouse are both this way?
This IS me.... I don't want it anymore... how do I stop.... please help
This literally just happened were i kept making passive aggressive comments to friends i really care abt and it finally became to much and ive been kinda cut out. I dont know how to go about ammending my mistakes, but with this new understanding i can have a chance. What would you recommend for how i should broach these mistakes?
I see you 💕 I have an entire video on the art of apologizing here that might be helpful: th-cam.com/video/qfdNzH7LdtM/w-d-xo.html
thank you so much! I'm writing stuff down so i can save myself from burning bridges in the future. Wish me luck on my self betterment journey
I am cheering you on! ❤️
supposing they have made it OBVIOUS in a subtle way that cant be Proved......that they don't CARE how you feel? Even if you reveal how you really feel at this point OR by the LACK of communication for periods of time that are inappropriate ?
Also....supposing letting them Know how you feel causes them to have a better understanding on HOW to cause you to be even MORE miserable...?
Mary,
It depends on who the person is and how they are connected to you. If it is your primary personal relationship and they don't care how you feel...that is a major problem. If it is work or friends, use the information as data and makes decisions accordingly. Thanks for sharing here.
You deserve Nobel at least from me
I have burned many bridges and relationships
I am def a passive agressive, but I'm married to a person with narcissistic personality. You can't get any point across to these people, so the advice for that is not to react. This is confusing. I have so much internal stress, and it has caused outward anxiety, and unhappiness, He has been disbled for years, and has gotten worse over the years, making me feel I can't leave. Advice for my situation? I truly hate my life.
I"m witnessing you with compassion. You matter also. Your thoughts, feelings, opinions and needs matter. You also deserve to express yourself and have your needs met and have boundaries in place that allow you to take care of you. I have a lot of videos about boundary setting with narcs and difficult people, and that may be a good place to start.
got it
You did not tell us how to handle passive aggressive behaviour eg what to say to someone who is saying this? How to act towards someone by being like this? How to help someone with passive aggressive behaviour without hurting them? I got nothing out of this other than telling me what passive aggressive behaviour is!!!
I just went back and watched both of the vids on this topic that I recorded and I have to say, you are totally right! Too much explaining what it is and not enough strategies on how to deal with it in real life. Thank you so much for pointing it out-I will totally record a more solution oriented vid on this but in the meantime maybe I can actually add a little value right here right now. When dealing with passive aggressive people -the first thing is too not collude with them by responding to their covert communication. Passive aggressive behavior is a way for someone to express anger or hostility without taking responsibility for it. For example, the friend who rolls their eyes in the middle of your story or your cousin who throws you a back handed compliment like, "Although I don't normally like your cooking, tonight's meal was really good!" Not colluding looks like you actually pointing out what just happened ie: "Hey Bob I really don't appreciate you rolling your eyes as a way of communicating your disapproval of my story. If you have something to say to me -please say it directly and with words" Of for the cousin, "I don't appreciate you using a compliment about tonight's meal as a way of criticizing my cooking. If you are angry or upset with me about something, I'd appreciate if you would own it and share it with me directly" There is so much more to say on this (the solution based stuff) but I hope this was a little bit helpful and again THANK YOU for saying something, I really appreciate you taking the time. ;)
Thank you for being understanding and helpful
@@terri_cole Great response Terri!
Somebody who goes out of their way to make racket with the dishes. You ask if that is necessary? They deny they are doing that. Swirling silverware in the sink smacking plates together. As anybody would you leave the room. Then you come back to the kitchen to see they WEREN'T doing the dishes. They were just doing exactly what you thought they were. Just making noise. Being annoying. The sink of their dishes is nicely organized for you to do. REALLY?!
My mother is THIS.
I see you and I am holding space for you.
Passive aggressive people want you to mind-read...
I love you chick I don't like it sometimes but I do love you x
Amazing content. My Mum has watched part 1. She has burnt out relationship and now another one with her PA behaviour.,Fingers crossed this may bring about change for her. Much gratitude. 🙏🏽🩵😘