Makes it hard to empathize when your passive aggressive supervisor continues to disrupt your work then report you for the disruptions. I don't have enough time in the day to talk to him about it, document everything he does, and just focus on the job I would love to focus on.
So ight boom I had to help a coworker out and it was no problem as always im there to work no doubt and I had to help one individual that I was cool with since I started working last year.. so this woman asked for this pallet jack so boom im tryna give her the pallet Jack dude I was cool with jumped in front of me eager to give it to her showing off im like bruh you deadass why would you dodge in front of me.. so ight then the shift was ova 5 minutes later in my mind I was like im finna approach him so that's what I did.. I pulled him to the side cuz ion like making no scene that's too extra. So im asking him why he did what he did and he was acting oblivious to it.. we boutta leave now and he was like "you felt some type of way" I was yea I feel some type then he was like don't talk to me nomore so I'm like ight bet then the same woman asked me to do a survey as that occurred this dude tried to walk up on me like he was finna do something I had my forearm on em boutta push him but that woman was right there behind me tellin me come do this survey and go do what you gotta do after so I told dude wait for me outside and ian see him out there at all.. It been on my mind I just needed to talk to you about it I already talked to some family members i be thinking before I do things the moment that happened I thought about God.. God had a Angel right there and said naw it ain't even worth it Qaa..
Ask passive aggressive people to define their terms. Such as: “What do you mean by that?” Or “Why are you saying that?” Call them on their passiveness - point it out - it will be uncomfortable for both of you - but every time I have done this the person knows that they will be called on it and we are able to get quicker to what that person is trying to say. Try it - also - don’t be afraid to call it out. Passive aggressive people are always mostly just hurt and afraid of being more hurt. Remember that.
Your methods assume equal power or that they are the weaker party and that they are open to be reached. Where passive aggression thrives, however, such as with home-makers, slow workers and many places which demand compliance [like school] it's often unclear what the fallout will be and especially how by-standers will side. In that, passive aggression is not only illegitimate frame control but also a very real threat, since you can assume often that this is habituated and therefore highly refined behavior as well the last habitable resort for that person.
@@BabylonPatrol You're letting outside pressures overwhelm the influence you're able to bring to bear. Stop the excuses for your own benefit. Lotta fancy verbiage though, well done on that
@@gtdadof10the 'fancy verbiage' 'compliment/insult' makes for a nice example of passive aggressiveness in writing, really here in the function to excuse you're inability to respond to the content of the reservations. your assumption is that i'm talking about management of passive-aggressiveness under my responsibility to respond to. since you know nothing of my circumstances, i believe this is excessive and, in this case, wrong. however, to your point, that one should not allow reflection and empathetic response to limit impact of interventions: my personal life experience suggests that this is naiv & dangerous. my prediction for this type of attitude would be that you're the type of bully that gets his/her way for a while but ends up with a life full of hidden enemies, divorce, sabotaged projects etc. that such results are due to that would appear to be verifiable by changing circumstances, once this attitude is modified.
Don't you miss the old days when you could actually fix problems by fighting, and it was all of the gaaay ass you can't touch me shit?
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@@Force1Com The more I go to martial arts training, the more I realize how much I missed this rough-and-tumble play with guys when I was a kid. It made me weak :/
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@NM D. Easier to collectively spit at someone when your friends are dead.
Passive Agressive are the two worst things you can be in life, hostile and cowardly. If you're going to be hostile, at least go all the way, instead of using sneaky tactics to keep your reputation
At work, and in business, the best way to deal with a snake is to destroy them. Here’s how: 1.) in the workplace, make allies through your work, build relationships and gain their trust. Once you get more creditors from your peers and leaders (the ones that matter), than your enemy, then you have an advantage over your enemy. 2.) Document everything, keep emails, notes, and tabs on everything, but do it privately. 3.) Don’t respond to sarcasm, ever. 4.) Find as many faults in the enemy as you can. Use their faults to your advantage, by excelling in things that they are weak in. Combine all of these things together, and you’ll eliminate the snakes, or they’ll fall back and leave you alone.
How the fuck does this comment not have a fuck ton of upvotes. I admire and totally look up to jocko and have implemented alot of his teachings which has improved my life greatly. Its just this particular take on passive aggressive people is not the same in army and workplace/school etc. Its very different cause a lot of the time you aren't in the same team / objective as them. So your tips are very spot on. Infact I came to the same conclusion that if I just excell at this job and become the top employee while maintaining good relationship with people that actually matter than the snakes won't be a problem in the near future. I'm definitely screenshot ing your tips, thanks.
The really horrible thing when we face passive aggressiveness is that we always take the first hit. We don't expect it and often don't figure out what the snake is doing until a minute later.
I. " Snakes " don't ever stop trying to bite or " poison " you. A dismembered snake head will continue to bite. II. They have a personality disorder and you are not going to fix it, or make them think anything other than what they want to think. III.Snakes want to think they are better than you. IV. Snakes will always think they are better than you and will always look for an opportunity to bite you; if only to satisfy a need for their own sick self gratification.
What should you do if one of these "snakes" does end up "biting/poisoning" you... I had my first personal experience recently dealing with these types, and unfortunately, I have been poisoned. I can't seem to get over all the little passive aggressive bs has been doing (i.e. repeatedly "pretending" to stab me with a knife, spreading complete gossip and lies at work - which he ended up getting me fired from...the subtle condescending tone and the way he frames his questions to me, very undermining and disrespectful) I reallllllllly want to do something stupid to this pos, which I know to be stupid. There has to be a better way, to get back at this sorry motherfucker. What did you do, to restore peace to your conscience/soul after it has been poisoned? (Sorry for the long post, gotta let this shit out...)
@@toastymarket4089 No .. the fire is the reaction they want and your suffering is what gives them gratification. Sooty as it is .. they are conniving and there is nothing you can do .. complain and your're the one that is seen as intolerant.
Remain calm and patient. Make your decisions and choices based on the facts and arguments. Appear oblivious to their power games. There's a certain likelihood that they'll never affect you in any real way. However, pay close attention. The one concession to not letting them affect your choices is that you mustn't allow yourself be maneouvered into a defenseless position, a position where you're entirely dependent of factors that they can control or predict. Study their methods, figure out their motivations, and learn to predict their games. If things get serious, they'll start building a device (trap, case, coalition) against you. Make sure you can match it with both defence and offense. In this case, a good defence may be the best offense; failure will expose them, and they don't do well in the open. Thinking that you're oblivious, they'll be surprised by any competence you show. At some point, you may want to show a little of your hand, as a warning, to prevent confrontation in the first place, but never show your full hand. If it does come to a confrontation, show no quarter. You can't make peace with snakes. Expose them completely, leaving them no weapons, or get them out of your life completely, or gain complete dominance over them in the shared arenas. Importantly, make sure you're right, and that they really are snakes. A strategy that works well against snakes will get you killed against a grizzly. Really, though, I'm not sure dealing with people like this can be taught. This level of analogy (snakes and grizzlies) are a sure indication that there are a lot of difficult judgement calls involved. Defeating "snakes" has a lot to do with controlling yourself, rather than anything or anyone else. It comes with time, in part from general maturity, and in part from experience. I guess the only really useful advice is in my first sentence: "Remain calm and patient." I'm not deleting everything else I wrote, though. I should, but I won't. It took me several minutes to write that, and I'm not replacing it with just four words. If anyone is still with me, replace it in your mind. Also, my apologies.
Holy fuck I literally was going to say the EXACT same thing as you. I'm a fucking PRO at dealing with passive aggressive coworkers and you are spot on. There is no single tool to battle against them but you need miriad of weapons. Unfortunately, I feel that one cannot just be taught but they need to go through and experience it in order to hone that skill.
@@thundergrace depends on your situation but to phrase it most simply, "Nut up". Your situation might not be what we call PA, but to stop bullies you first have to find it in you to put a stop in it. You're probably a YES man(woman) and until you learn to say NO, you will always get the short end of the stick. Until you find the courage in you to do that, I'm afraid and words of wisdom will be lost on you. Many times, it is yourself who is your worst enemy.
Just have a recorder nearby and record them being passive aggressive. Record them enough and get their ass fired. If you can implicate anyone else then implicate them. You cannot win with these people any other way in the workplace. They know how to stir drama and turn everyone against you if you piss them off. So make sure you do this quietly.
This is a big problem for me, just the cuddly giant. I don't like confrontation. Love being motivated and working, to 'get ahead'. I often get front loaded with others work, get behind. Then axed. I used to get extremely upset for getting played, why don't others see my value. They do, but they see it when I'm gone when they have to do their work again. Understanding the metaphor of "Flank, or be Flanked" has really helped me a lot. Just understanding my personality, and not letting it be absued, but still, that friendly open atmosphere, welcoming and inspiring others with my enthusiasm. Go get it bruisers!
hurts to hear, bro! can't help but feeling your cheerful optimism is misplaced. would be great if you had 6 older brothers in the Russian Mafia or at least a boss to hold their hand over you...
@@Adronitis I was 100% being genuine. But reading my original comment over with a specific tone I can understand how one would come to that conclusion.
Literally did this with a coworker that was being passive aggressive towards me. Eventually she finally broke down because I would flat out ignore her. Finally told me point blank that she hated me (which I already knew) and walked away lmao. She was pissed. Never bothered me again after that
I’m listening to this taking mental notes but also thinking this is so sick. I’m annoyed that I’m having to deal w a family member who’s like this but I appreciate the self growth and knowledge I’m gonna gain. 💪🏾
So relatable. My childhood best friend is a passive aggressive asshole (somewhat) and the best way to deal with him is by 1) Don't hold onto his invalid criticisms like a grudge. 2) Don't have an ego 3) Be demeaning in their own way. Make it a point to rub it in their face when they need help. You might think this would sour relations but I've noticed PAs get pretty respectful once they realize you're going to act the same way to them. Compartmentalizing is key though. Don't go out being an asshole to everyone.
What blanket solution. There’s some situations in life where “staying busy” doesn’t work. Especially when u live with that person. I’m guessing your some one in their late 40s
@@alexneil394 here’s some weirder advice, if it’s a family member or someone you value, apologise profusely whether it’s your fault or not. Ask them to open up about it and apologise
yeah. what a load of nonsense. what the hell was he even talking about? play the game? get the anti venom? to accomplish the mission with snakes? defanged ones?
@@several_revolution5317 _playing the game_ (in this context) is the choice to engage these people on their level, as opposed to withdrawing entirely to the "moral high ground." and in so doing, flipping everyone the proverbial bird.
Jocko is on point when he talks about joining the snakes to make a "game" of it. Something I discovered in the work place. Don't try to beat them by takeing the "moral high ground" drop to their level and beat them with experience. It doesn't always look good but it'll tone them down and they will start to second guess themselves next time they decide to take "jabs."
I dunno, dropping to their level sounds like an L to me. I think they want to see that so their thoughts about you are confirmed in reality. I think it's best to not drop to their level and instead just call them out from their passiveness, ask them directly why they felt the need to say that, or point out that it sounds passive aggressive, then the balls in their court to either man up and say what's really on their mind or lay down like the snake they are and be quiet. Example: I was at a girlfriends family party and I am socially awkward and didn't know anyone so I was mostly chatting to my girlfriend in the garden tent with others around. Her mum was known to be quite toxic and was watching me and i guess could tell I was socially awkward and decided to say to me loudly infront of everyone "why don't you speak to other people instead of just your girlfriend" and you could hear a pin drop as everyone in the tent went quiet and waited for my reply, so I replied "why are you trying to put me on the spot infront of everyone?" She squirmed and then smirked with a nod as if to say fair play, and didn't say anything. The others around laughed and gave me some respect cause they could see what she was trying to do too. My girlfriend afterwards told me she liked how I dealt with her mum, she's never seen anyone do that. Her mum stopped being toxic to me after that day. I dunno if it's the best route but that worked for me.
I like to be obviously ignorant to passive aggressive people. Just completely ignore what they want til they break down and tell it to you straight. Then respond positively, which shows them that not being passive aggressive works
There’s times where questions and thoughts flood my mind and nearly drive me insane trying to figure out why people treat me the way they do. “Why do I have to change the way I feel? Why can’t they just leave me alone? I know if I act just like them they’ll leave me alone but I don’t want to become the monster.” It was nice to silence the negative thoughts by being able to listen to this video and hear this guys perspective on this topic. Thanks dude 👍🏽
It seems that the passive aggressive person has something to say, but won't/can't directly communicate their idea in a direct manor. Intimidation, lack of will, or lack of knowing how to communicate it seems would be the driving force in someone acting passive aggressive. For those of us who have to deal with this kind of behavior, Jockos idea of putting your ego in check is the key. It might feel like a direct jab (which might be the intention), but as a leader, being able to not responding in a defensive way and being able to identify this allows you to give these people a chance to actually learn how to communicate what it is that they need to say. Maybe after a few rounds of this(bringing the passive aggressive to the open), they will begin to learn how to communicate in a more direct way, instead of indirectly creating snide remarks designed to jab that don't bring productivity to the table.
But that only applies to situations where you need the person or want to help them, right? Cause on the Internet I'm frequently pushing passive-aggressive people to their limits, making them either A) admit they don't care about the subject at hand (it's just an excuse to lash out at X) by decomposing their line of thought or B) that they have such issues described by you and inviting them (although rather poignantly) to say what they really mean to say. My opinion is different from the hosts in the sense that I don't think people change that easily/quickly, so finishing the job and them removing the snakes from the team would be a better solution. I don't need them for their venom if I'm willing to deal with the rats myself.
@@Marcotonio I think we'd want to help them, even if they don't want to help their selves. Sometimes that help is by getting rid of them, because they are not willing to grow and end up stifling themselves and the team. I agree that most people don't change easily/quickly. I would say it depends on the severity of the situation/mission, and the leader has to make a decision on whether or not the individual has potential to grow, or if they are just a hindrance to themselves and the people around them.
Currently working from home b/c of the whole social distancing thing. I answer phones and answer IT questions all day. My roommate decides to chime in on my call. He says loudly, "do you have to talk that loud?" I was talking quieter than when he and I talk. I responded with, "I talk to customers on the phone. " The next two days, he keeps talking louder and louder, each day. Pretty passive aggressive, to me. I was told that if you can, avoid toxicity. I simply moved to another room. My thoughts were, I have a job to do. This is an obstacle, sure. But not one I must engage. Go around if possible.
Would like to know how to deal with passive aggressive friends and family more. People who will for example not talk to you without saying whats wrong or will block you for a month when they get pissed and don't even tell you why. I'm more of a direct person and will just say when there's an issue I'm having and I'm finding a lot of friends and family play these passive aggressive games. I find it annoying and tend to not acknowledge the behaviour so if a friend is mad and won't tell me I don't chase them or give into their game. I've told family and friends to be direct and tell me when there's an issue but there just some people who are too used to being passive aggressive and would rather give you the silent treatment.
Great advice when you deal with this person periodically or short term. I have found they need continuous propping up and recognition. Can be very exhausting if you have to collaborate on a regular basis and their passive aggression becomes undermining.
All make sense if you deal with normal people. Not with egoistic compulsive liar OCD mix. You will never make them think like should. It is even wasting energy to try to do.
To protect yourself from being 'fake', you really have to deal with the passive-aggressive with empathy, trying to help them, more than being challenging or confrontational. In that way they, amongst other things lose their fear of you and this serves as a building block of the process.
I've worked with my fair share of snakes, not even in the military I'm talking about civilian workers. I have bent over backwards and swallowed my tongue more times than I can count, and painful as it is to say, Jocko is absolutely right on this one. You HAVE to play the game. My job has always been backend roles where my work isn't directly recognized meanwhile the people I support basically get treated like superstars. This creates alot of resentment and hostility between departments and it took me a while to figure out that getting frustrated and defensive does nothing but drive the rift further and further apart. So what does one do in this situation? Observe, learn, adapt. When this coworker becomes frustrated with me, I find out why and explain to him why his solution isn't possible and then we meet somewhere in the middle. If he's overburdened or struggling, I accept some of his workload even if it inconveniences me. When he accepts some of my responsibility and gets it done in an acceptable manner, I thank him and make sure I recognized his efforts, no matter how small or insignificant (this one works more than anything else to be completely honest). If you're passing by him, smile or wave, even if they don't do the same back. Include them in conversation as much as possible to try and integrate them with the team, possibly even find common ground in passing conversation. Above all, take the snarky and snide remarks in stridel; they are expecting a reaction to reaffirm their beliefs of you, the easy solution is just don't give it to them. In short, where they are passively aggressive you want to be aggressively assertive. 9 times out of 10 a team player comes out the other side. The last guy is just an asshole you can kind of ignore until he decides he wants to be a part of the team or be bitter and alone.
XD I wish I wasn't such a people pleaser because I would definitely like to say that. But I generally choose my battles & avoid confrontation unless I deem it absolutely necessary. Not burning bridges & whatnot. But I'm close to my wits end with someone in my life right now. Hence why I am watching this video.
Today’s society tells you that treating your boss, coworkers, clients, etc, with patience & tolerance is brown-nosing & being fake; because the real you would “blow up” and wouldn’t take that crap from your family, friends, employees, etc. But the reality is that the real you is patient & tolerant..and when you do “blow up”...that’s just you being lazy. In the same way that you being 50 lbs heavier than you are now isn’t the real you...it’s just you being lazy. So it’s ok to be patient & tolerant, you can still get your point across, it just takes some work & some intellect...but that’s the real you...and the result is better for everyone involved.
Kephartacus - [ ] Positive thinking is nice, but this is more of an active effort to maintain self-control, whereby one can state a case and make their point calmly and/or professionally...without losing one’s composure & blowing up; because to do so would be the lazy option.
It's really cool that once you understand what motivates passive aggression and similar behaviours, it allows you to get past it emotionally and truly observe what's happening, so you can react to it in a positive, constructive way. Thanks for your help, Jocko!
Speaking of passive-aggressive behavior, I want to ask something. My boss was upset I had signed up for a one-person shift, because she didn't think I could manage alone. She scolded a lower-ranking manager for not noticing I had signed up a coffee service. When she asked him if she thought I could do the shift, I answered for him with a firm "yes," because I felt belittled by her. She said she didn't think so, was all "I've told you not to sign up for shifts by yourself, I've been very clear about that, I don't know how much clearer I can get for you to listen" and she told me I need someone there to give me instructions and guide me. At that moment, this girl approached and said, "Hi. I work at [certain bakery] in Washington Street and we're looking for new workers. It's a great place to work, and the best part, the manager is so nice." So I was all, "Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. I will look into it right after work." Tell me, how passive-aggressive did I sound?
Same unless I want something from that person lol or need to get through them in order to achieve something. I’ll play as “Steve Irwin” all day! In general I am the same ide rather be alone than in misery with others
I literally cannot pretend to like someone lmao!! I'm like bitch were not on the same level. You evade. I deal with shit head on. No tip toeing like a little bitch. Come out with it. And snakes might get the rats but I'm killin everyone head on.
I can apply this with my family. This is perfect for me right now to be able to keep things rolling for myself and those I really care about. "If we're on a team, why are we going against each other". I can get over my ego no problem. Thank you.
I agree w jocko. I know some people say to confront them about it but in some situations some people unconsciously make PA comments. They’ve done it so much that most times they don’t even think it through, so when you come at them like they have a full on problem with you they don’t take you seriously. If anything it causes them to continue to make PA comments towards you to trigger you, whether it works or not. From my experience some of the best things to do is sarcastically reply to their PA comment which tells them indirectly that you know what they’re doing or, flat out ignore what they say. Don’t even acknowledge that they made a comment towards you. When I’d do this to people whether they be friends, co-workers, etc. it shuts them down. I didn’t even acknowledge them or their comment so they just stopped doing it. Don’t get emotionally attached to the situation because that’s where you fail to address it. Play it cool, act like you’ve been in the situation before. Don’t bat an eye. people will slowly get the notion that their comments are irrelevant & won’t make them towards you. Most people who are PA are trying to get under your skin or snake their way into telling you something that they can’t tell you directly. You deal with people like that by being sarcastic back or not acknowledging that they’re even there. Just don’t put your energy towards something not worth investing it in. Plenty of other things you have to deal with that are much more worthy of investing your energy in.
In highschool there was this group of guys I didn't get along with. We had some disagreement and never got along. I was aggressive towards them. I'd pick fight's as a defense mechanism. Eventually I left them alone because I was told I'd be expelled, they didn't leave me alone though. They'd do passive stuff like kick my chair when sitting behind me when I'd tell them to stop they'd say something like "I didn't do anything, what's your problem with me" playing the victim. I told them I was going to leave them alone but they carried on with me. I did what I was told to do by my principal, leave them alone and report whatever happened, this resulted with her not believing me or doing anything about it. They turned my friends against me, teachers against me and the principal against me using lies and manipulation. I tried pushing through it but I finally said enough is enough, I'm either going to k myself or leave the school so I left the school. My biggest regret was choosing to be peaceful rather than just beating them all up. I am Christian so I know why I chose to be peaceful but sometimes war needs to happen before peace comes. Don't listen to cowards who say "ignore, ignore, ignore and don't fight". If you ignore them they'll think you're affraid, they'll make you believe you're affraid and then eventually you'll be affraid. Caution breeds fear don't make the mistake I made, just fight even if you lose.
Passive aggressive, toxic, or difficult people sure can make it hard sometimes. It can be tough. There's a lot of "it depends" on how I'd handle it. 1st: Know the mission and be in alignment with the mission, 2nd: Make sure no laws - hostility in the workplace, creating dissension, discrimination aren't being violated, 3rd: Documentation, 4th: Communication. I have examples. I'd love to hear some real candor and examples of how to handle it and how not to handle it. That would be captivating to hear about. Thanks! You guys are amazing! I noticed comments from others here are really valuable too.
I work with a bunch of PA guys who bad mouth whoever isn't around at the moment and so I try to avoid them by keeping mostly to myself. The other day I took my break in the empty manager's office so I could quietly study my book. While I was reading, I put my feet off the corner of the desk. Come in a few days later to the manager telling me that my coworkers took pictures of me with my feet up and tattled. Fortunately after telling me not to do that again, he thought they were being snakes and so he told me who all was involved. I confronted one of them and asked him who was taking pictures of me at work. He denied it until I told him the manager told me. I asked him why he didn't handle things like a man and talk to me if he had a problem instead of being PA. I didn't really want to make a scene but after this and a few other incidents prior, I felt I didn't really have much of a choice.
I needed this. I’m not passive aggressive but I have a relative that is extremely passive aggressive. She is constantly on it. I need to learn how to handle it. I think in reality she is a very jealous person.
I'm glad Echo emphasized just how DIFFICULT it is to grind through that stupid game day after day after day. Really, the question isn't the "what" but the "how" of dealing with snakes, and the how is the hard part. fwiw
Thank you for your podcasts. They help me out a lot. Learning how to get a spine. Been trying to get stronger mentally. Giving up is not an option. I've been trying to practice discipline as best as I can. I always fall short though. I keep doing the same things over and over again ,and it's frustrating as heck. I keep trying to avoid junk food, coffee. Trying to get out of my own head. Trying to figure out what my goal is ,and then when I start it ,I'm fine, but when depression hits, I go back to the same thing. I want to have a stronger mind. I want to wake up early, eat healthy, exercise ( my body hates exercise. I have to force myself to do it. ) I want to self improve, and stuff like that. I want all of it, but sometimes it feels like I don't even though I do ,because there haven't been good results, yet. I don't care how long it takes for me to get better with everything. I don't want to give up. No matter how hard the heavy weight of life is going to continue to be, I still want to carry it. I still want to fight. I still want to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't want to be weak anymore. I want to be positive about everything as best as I can. I'll still keep trying to be strong, and to think more on a positive scale. I'm going to keep practicing everything until I get it right.
You deal with a snake by destroying them not by befriending them. Once you recognize that someone is playing games and isn’t straightforward then you start to play games. Learn how to be passive aggressive as well. Put them in embarrassing situations and attack before you get attacked.
I tried being a snake charmer. More than once. I still wound up in the "hospital". They will ALWAYS fuck you up, as soon as your back is turned, when you least expect it. I prefer to stay away.... "Bitch, you knew I was a snake!"
Guys, this is probably a life changing video for me. Wish me luck) And by the way Echo sounds a bit like young Tyson) Thank you for your job! Godbless you!
Most passive aggressive people I've dealt with have been completely spineless. It was obviouse they would never escalate beyond the vague threats and vailed disrespect. As soon as I gave it back they shyed away and left me alone.
@Crockett Running away, in my opinion at least, is next to the last thing to do with one of these narcissists you describe. Giving ground to the enemy only invites him to take yet more ground. If it is war your narcissistic friend wants, it's war he will get. Read up on the _Art of War_ and apply its principles practically on this relationship - deception, allegiances, movement, action, you name it. These cockholsters don't deserve an inch of what's yours unless it serves to retake what's yours.
@Crockett I use the term "narcissist" about as technically as one can. It would fall under the antisocial personalities spectrum and refers to someone who is often above average intelligence and is completely selfish - involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration. They're generally more agitating than dangerous, but some of them use this self-important disregard for humanity to create the illusion of authority and gain influence and ruin you in the process. Psychos and sociopaths are potentially worse, of course, since their antics are usually directed at individuals for raw enjoyment; you'll find a lot of them in positions of authority too. Strange how the human brain conflates abuse with right, hmm? As for the second post, you are largely right. After all, if a city is destroyed in pursuit of the destruction of a foe which requires far less effort, who is the bad guy here? The goal of any confrontation, from a defensive standpoint, is to break contact with the enemy as quickly as possible. Keep it that simple, and you have a much more manageable pool of options to choose from.
Hi guys! Listening to this was very helpful for me. I'm dealing with this at work and it's been unsettling. Your pointers about keeping my & the other person's ego in mind, when I encounter this type of behavior, is great advice! Many thanks!!
Okay, I'm 15 and I believe after watching this I can be passive aggressive more than I realised, I've also always had a problem with people pleasing and expressing anger so that's got something to do with it, in order to stop being passive aggressive do I just let my concerns out and set those boundaries?
Here in the south everyone is passive aggressive...saccharin and correct and polite. I couldn't live here without the black people...they are usually polite, but warm and funny....with an undertone of moral high ground which is adorable. I miss Texas where I grew up....
Yeah, I moved down South from NJ. 100% true. I stayed 4 years and that was enough. It's too much work doing business with people who don't tell you the truth & never directly address issues or problems.
Dudes are missing a major factor in what makes ppl willing to play that game or not-reward. If it’s something you deem valuable or worthy in your life, you’ll play the game. If it’s some shit 9-5 you already despise and don’t want to put any extra effort into, you won’t. Period. It’s not about being “fake” or “authentic”, it’s about whether or not it’s worth it to you to be what you need to be to win, and sometimes it’s just not.
Dealing with snakes works great if you can control your emotions. It works best when they think you like them. I've always used the rats to pass selective messages up the chain of command. A rat/snake can be useful if used correctly..
Yeah, figure out who is in their network. They'll send informants, usually female, to extract something. Give a little crumb and see where it goes. The weirder the better. If you're good at it, you can pick out the ones who are involved, because they usually stand close by, watching. Only problem is when you realize the bs goes all the way to the top, because even your supervisor is blowing dog whistles. Jocko seems to only speak from a point of leadership. There's a difference between deciding who is good for a "team" and not knowing what people want from you, because they all act like enemies. They certainly don't want you to act the same, and if you do, they are only gathering ammo that they can use against you, while they deny having ever antagonize you in the first place. Jocko didn't think apply thia to being in the middle of a snake pit. When the floor you stand on and the walls around you are made of snakes, you're getting bitten. Applying online usually involves psych tests, which makes thing more interesting when you find yourself in a place, full to the brim, with people like this. Who are they looking for?
I like the term culture. When you travel in the grass there will be always be snakes with their own culture established. You are better off learning their customs so that you know when your in trouble or in the clear. This is awesome stuff. 🐍🇺🇸
Usually such passive aggressive people are led by their jealousy towards pretty much everyone around them but they tend to pick a concrete target. That's usually one of the most capable ppl but in the weakest position. They never stop even if the person tries to work with them, let them get away with stealing credit etc We've had that at work. What should be done about the snake? Boss takes the snake's side cause boss has narcissistic tendencies, wants to present a good image and the snake is high up in command. P.s. I resigned cause I understood I was in line for abuse.
It’s just so hard to deal with people who act nice or ask questions to look for weakness/advantage. It’s difficult to be around someone who thinks about what to say to you. Those are the 2 biggest issues I have.
I'd argue that it's not them thinking about what to say, but rather what their intentions are. Wise and benevolent people tend to pick their words carefully, too.
I first need to be sure that I have high self esteem. Otherwise I will always ask myself "Am I just too oversensitive or is he passive-aggressive against me?". This will take my power away and I cannot resolve this conflict within the team.
My understanding of his point is that you get bit either way. But if you learn to handle snakes, you get the “antivenom from their fangs.” Snakes will be around you in life. The trick is playing with the snakes, so when they bite you, it doesn’t matter.
![เหนื่อยหน่อยนะ (SOMEONE LIKE ME) - GEMINI Prod. by URBOYTJ [ OFFICIAL MV ]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/M55XjfhbrNw/mqdefault.jpg)
Most passive aggressive people are very insecure. The whole passive aggressive thing is just smoke and mirrors game to hide these insecurities
tough. we're on a job. we're adults
I'm not your therapist. If you think that I am, pay that rate.
So true, and they're intimidated and or jealous
Your gonna get hurt thinking like that
@@dawiedarling You just admitted that not only are you passive aggressive, but you’re aware of it. So basically, you’re an a$shole. Got it.
Makes it hard to empathize when your passive aggressive supervisor continues to disrupt your work then report you for the disruptions. I don't have enough time in the day to talk to him about it, document everything he does, and just focus on the job I would love to focus on.
Most passive aggressives will deny it when you call them out and try to make it seem like you are the problem.
aka gaslighting!.. correct.
💯
So ight boom
I had to help a coworker out and it was no problem as always im there to work no doubt and I had to help one individual that I was cool with since I started working last year.. so this woman asked for this pallet jack so boom im tryna give her the pallet Jack dude I was cool with jumped in front of me eager to give it to her showing off im like bruh you deadass why would you dodge in front of me.. so ight then the shift was ova 5 minutes later in my mind I was like im finna approach him so that's what I did.. I pulled him to the side cuz ion like making no scene that's too extra. So im asking him why he did what he did and he was acting oblivious to it.. we boutta leave now and he was like "you felt some type of way" I was yea I feel some type then he was like don't talk to me nomore so I'm like ight bet then the same woman asked me to do a survey as that occurred this dude tried to walk up on me like he was finna do something I had my forearm on em boutta push him but that woman was right there behind me tellin me come do this survey and go do what you gotta do after so I told dude wait for me outside and ian see him out there at all..
It been on my mind I just needed to talk to you about it I already talked to some family members i be thinking before I do things the moment that happened I thought about God.. God had a Angel right there and said naw it ain't even worth it Qaa..
@qaareeshaw2220 Hey young brother. I'm dealing with this too. If you want to talk man, feel free to hit me up
Yes this is so true. When I confront them, they deny the fact that they are ignoring you and in turn giving excuse that you are the problem instead.
NEVER let someone else turn their problems into your problem.
Unless you want to have a business. That is one of the times when it is ok.
@@VerMirror It also depends on whether it is a worthy deal or not.
problem dumpers. They moan and complain to garner attention, sympathy, commiseration, ego stroking, agreement, and submission ultimately.
NEVER say never
Something my dad always said about working with people like that, “you’re not married to them, so don’t take their problems home with you.”
Ask passive aggressive people to define their terms.
Such as:
“What do you mean by that?”
Or
“Why are you saying that?”
Call them on their passiveness - point it out - it will be uncomfortable for both of you - but every time I have done this the person knows that they will be called on it and we are able to get quicker to what that person is trying to say.
Try it - also - don’t be afraid to call it out. Passive aggressive people are always mostly just hurt and afraid of being more hurt. Remember that.
Well said.
Wise, bro.
Your methods assume equal power or that they are the weaker party and that they are open to be reached. Where passive aggression thrives, however, such as with home-makers, slow workers and many places which demand compliance [like school] it's often unclear what the fallout will be and especially how by-standers will side. In that, passive aggression is not only illegitimate frame control but also a very real threat, since you can assume often that this is habituated and therefore highly refined behavior as well the last habitable resort for that person.
@@BabylonPatrol You're letting outside pressures overwhelm the influence you're able to bring to bear. Stop the excuses for your own benefit. Lotta fancy verbiage though, well done on that
@@gtdadof10the 'fancy verbiage' 'compliment/insult' makes for a nice example of passive aggressiveness in writing, really here in the function to excuse you're inability to respond to the content of the reservations. your assumption is that i'm talking about management of passive-aggressiveness under my responsibility to respond to. since you know nothing of my circumstances, i believe this is excessive and, in this case, wrong. however, to your point, that one should not allow reflection and empathetic response to limit impact of interventions: my personal life experience suggests that this is naiv & dangerous. my prediction for this type of attitude would be that you're the type of bully that gets his/her way for a while but ends up with a life full of hidden enemies, divorce, sabotaged projects etc. that such results are due to that would appear to be verifiable by changing circumstances, once this attitude is modified.
Passive aggressive people are cowards with a hostile mentality.
That’s why I can’t stand them. I have such a hatred for cowards.
can confirm. Was raised by one. Pathetic and hazardous beings.
Copy.
@nlpjohn mothers and fathers can both be dog shit or one or the other. Get over your parents programming.
@nlpjohn dude no one cares you're in TH-cam comments
Boy From Arkansas: Whacks snake against tree.
Snake: I trust you now.
Snake? Come in snake!? Snaaaake!!!!
hahahahhaha
Is that known as The Bill Clinton Approach?
@@Johnconno hahahahahaha damn why didn't I see this one coming? Nice one!
He and the snake had an understanding before he ever even touched it.
Instructions unclear, whacked my friends against the tree and collected their saliva.
Lool
same fucking thing I was thinking while listening to this. Like... is this shit really going to work? Probably not
Don't you miss the old days when you could actually fix problems by fighting, and it was all of the gaaay ass you can't touch me shit?
@@Force1Com The more I go to martial arts training, the more I realize how much I missed this rough-and-tumble play with guys when I was a kid. It made me weak :/
@NM D. Easier to collectively spit at someone when your friends are dead.
"Bring it out in the open. Expose the ambush." That's it right there
Unless going over your boss's head upsets them even more which it tends to no matter what the reason
Passive Agressive are the two worst things you can be in life, hostile and cowardly. If you're going to be hostile, at least go all the way, instead of using sneaky tactics to keep your reputation
Exactly. Say what you mean
I want to get to Jockos level where it doesn't bother me. I'm actually embarrassed with myself when insecure people make me insecure. Great advice!
How's the journey going bro?
At work, and in business, the best way to deal with a snake is to destroy them. Here’s how:
1.) in the workplace, make allies through your work, build relationships and gain their trust. Once you get more creditors from your peers and leaders (the ones that matter), than your enemy, then you have an advantage over your enemy.
2.) Document everything, keep emails, notes, and tabs on everything, but do it privately.
3.) Don’t respond to sarcasm, ever.
4.) Find as many faults in the enemy as you can. Use their faults to your advantage, by excelling in things that they are weak in.
Combine all of these things together, and you’ll eliminate the snakes, or they’ll fall back and leave you alone.
How the fuck does this comment not have a fuck ton of upvotes.
I admire and totally look up to jocko and have implemented alot of his teachings which has improved my life greatly.
Its just this particular take on passive aggressive people is not the same in army and workplace/school etc. Its very different cause a lot of the time you aren't in the same team / objective as them.
So your tips are very spot on. Infact I came to the same conclusion that if I just excell at this job and become the top employee while maintaining good relationship with people that actually matter than the snakes won't be a problem in the near future.
I'm definitely screenshot ing your tips, thanks.
That's... Let me know how that goes for you
Best strategy I found so far..
The really horrible thing when we face passive aggressiveness is that we always take the first hit. We don't expect it and often don't figure out what the snake is doing until a minute later.
Exactly. So always be prepared. Be on guard but with confidence you can handle the situation.
How about two days later lol
So true.
How bout we let it ruin our weekends when they occur at 5pm on Friday
“I have high hopes on people but no expectations”
Brilliant 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
I. " Snakes " don't ever stop trying to bite or " poison " you. A dismembered snake head will continue to bite.
II. They have a personality disorder and you are not going to fix it, or make them think anything other than what they want to think.
III.Snakes want to think they are better than you.
IV. Snakes will always think they are better than you and will always look for an opportunity to bite you; if only to satisfy a need for their own sick self gratification.
The solution is fire... and intolerance.
What should you do if one of these "snakes" does end up "biting/poisoning" you...
I had my first personal experience recently dealing with these types, and unfortunately, I have been poisoned. I can't seem to get over all the little passive aggressive bs has been doing (i.e. repeatedly "pretending" to stab me with a knife, spreading complete gossip and lies at work - which he ended up getting me fired from...the subtle condescending tone and the way he frames his questions to me, very undermining and disrespectful)
I reallllllllly want to do something stupid to this pos, which I know to be stupid.
There has to be a better way, to get back at this sorry motherfucker. What did you do, to restore peace to your conscience/soul after it has been poisoned?
(Sorry for the long post, gotta let this shit out...)
@@adecentman5217 CBTs
@@toastymarket4089 No .. the fire is the reaction they want and your suffering is what gives them gratification. Sooty as it is .. they are conniving and there is nothing you can do .. complain and your're the one that is seen as intolerant.
You need to know the difference between a snake and a sociopath. Most people can be positively influenced
Remain calm and patient. Make your decisions and choices based on the facts and arguments. Appear oblivious to their power games. There's a certain likelihood that they'll never affect you in any real way. However, pay close attention. The one concession to not letting them affect your choices is that you mustn't allow yourself be maneouvered into a defenseless position, a position where you're entirely dependent of factors that they can control or predict. Study their methods, figure out their motivations, and learn to predict their games. If things get serious, they'll start building a device (trap, case, coalition) against you. Make sure you can match it with both defence and offense. In this case, a good defence may be the best offense; failure will expose them, and they don't do well in the open. Thinking that you're oblivious, they'll be surprised by any competence you show. At some point, you may want to show a little of your hand, as a warning, to prevent confrontation in the first place, but never show your full hand. If it does come to a confrontation, show no quarter. You can't make peace with snakes. Expose them completely, leaving them no weapons, or get them out of your life completely, or gain complete dominance over them in the shared arenas. Importantly, make sure you're right, and that they really are snakes. A strategy that works well against snakes will get you killed against a grizzly.
Really, though, I'm not sure dealing with people like this can be taught. This level of analogy (snakes and grizzlies) are a sure indication that there are a lot of difficult judgement calls involved. Defeating "snakes" has a lot to do with controlling yourself, rather than anything or anyone else. It comes with time, in part from general maturity, and in part from experience.
I guess the only really useful advice is in my first sentence: "Remain calm and patient."
I'm not deleting everything else I wrote, though. I should, but I won't. It took me several minutes to write that, and I'm not replacing it with just four words. If anyone is still with me, replace it in your mind. Also, my apologies.
I'm always being taken advantage of!! What do I do???
Holy fuck I literally was going to say the EXACT same thing as you. I'm a fucking PRO at dealing with passive aggressive coworkers and you are spot on. There is no single tool to battle against them but you need miriad of weapons. Unfortunately, I feel that one cannot just be taught but they need to go through and experience it in order to hone that skill.
@@thundergrace depends on your situation but to phrase it most simply, "Nut up". Your situation might not be what we call PA, but to stop bullies you first have to find it in you to put a stop in it. You're probably a YES man(woman) and until you learn to say NO, you will always get the short end of the stick. Until you find the courage in you to do that, I'm afraid and words of wisdom will be lost on you. Many times, it is yourself who is your worst enemy.
Just have a recorder nearby and record them being passive aggressive. Record them enough and get their ass fired. If you can implicate anyone else then implicate them. You cannot win with these people any other way in the workplace. They know how to stir drama and turn everyone against you if you piss them off. So make sure you do this quietly.
Very good advice
"They're attacking your ego". Oh man, that just clicked for me.
"if you don't play with the snakes, you don't get the antivenom". God damn, Jocko... You're like the everyman's Confucius. Powerful words.
This is a big problem for me, just the cuddly giant. I don't like confrontation. Love being motivated and working, to 'get ahead'. I often get front loaded with others work, get behind. Then axed.
I used to get extremely upset for getting played, why don't others see my value.
They do, but they see it when I'm gone when they have to do their work again.
Understanding the metaphor of "Flank, or be Flanked" has really helped me a lot.
Just understanding my personality, and not letting it be absued, but still,
that friendly open atmosphere, welcoming and inspiring others with my enthusiasm.
Go get it bruisers!
hurts to hear, bro! can't help but feeling your cheerful optimism is misplaced. would be great if you had 6 older brothers in the Russian Mafia or at least a boss to hold their hand over you...
What an interesting way to interact with passive aggression. Not letting it tick you off. Amazing.
Bahaha sarcasm...the ultimate passive aggressive move!
@@Adronitis I was 100% being genuine. But reading my original comment over with a specific tone I can understand how one would come to that conclusion.
It throws them off because they aren't expecting it. You act like everything is ok it's kinda reverse psychology.
Passive aggressive tactics are the easiest to deal with. Just take them literally or ignore them.
Literally did this with a coworker that was being passive aggressive towards me. Eventually she finally broke down because I would flat out ignore her. Finally told me point blank that she hated me (which I already knew) and walked away lmao. She was pissed. Never bothered me again after that
"Hurt people hurt people."- Kendrick Lamar, 2021.
He isn't the first to coin that phrase. There are earlier references to it than Kendrick.
I’m listening to this taking mental notes but also thinking this is so sick. I’m annoyed that I’m having to deal w a family member who’s like this but I appreciate the self growth and knowledge I’m gonna gain. 💪🏾
So relatable. My childhood best friend is a passive aggressive asshole (somewhat) and the best way to deal with him is by
1) Don't hold onto his invalid criticisms like a grudge.
2) Don't have an ego
3) Be demeaning in their own way. Make it a point to rub it in their face when they need help.
You might think this would sour relations but I've noticed PAs get pretty respectful once they realize you're going to act the same way to them.
Compartmentalizing is key though. Don't go out being an asshole to everyone.
Just like a dog which is all bark
Have better stuff going on in your life than the person and situation your dealing with. Boom bam done
Yes, people with that low frequency are no bueno. Staying busy is key 🗝️
What blanket solution. There’s some situations in life where “staying busy” doesn’t work. Especially when u live with that person. I’m guessing your some one in their late 40s
True currently working for me. But damn he is annoying.
@@alexneil394 here’s some weirder advice, if it’s a family member or someone you value, apologise profusely whether it’s your fault or not. Ask them to open up about it and apologise
@@nickdef6366 hmm that would actually work. Like reverse psychology. Low key brilliant advice
Passive aggressive is just weakness. If you’re strong minded and can walk away and make a stronger decision, you’re one step closer.
Can we have jocko wear a shirt with echos face on it. As always, you guys are always awesome and on point.
Leo Carlo Enad thinking the exact sane thing haha
Or Echos's biceps lol
I think there is a “DaNg” shirt on the Jocko store.
Heres a poster for you.
www.jockostore.com/collections/accessories/products/jocko-black-white-drawing-print-from-drawings-without-borders
Ha you read my mind. I was just going to say they should come out with a shirt for Echo
He ran with the snake analogy so much...i really thought he was explaining how to handle snakes
That's as far as I got before my Bullshitometer went off.
yeah. what a load of nonsense. what the hell was he even talking about? play the game? get the anti venom? to accomplish the mission with snakes? defanged ones?
@@several_revolution5317I don't think a single one of those was quite right lol
@@several_revolution5317 _playing the game_ (in this context) is the choice to engage these people on their level, as opposed to withdrawing entirely to the "moral high ground." and in so doing, flipping everyone the proverbial bird.
You just take shit litteral when there's bigger meaning behind the words don't even comment if you have nothing nice to say
Jocko is on point when he talks about joining the snakes to make a "game" of it. Something I discovered in the work place. Don't try to beat them by takeing the "moral high ground" drop to their level and beat them with experience. It doesn't always look good but it'll tone them down and they will start to second guess themselves next time they decide to take "jabs."
Jocko would have a very different view if he didn't do a lap at the Pentagon - that is one soul sucking environment.
I dunno, dropping to their level sounds like an L to me. I think they want to see that so their thoughts about you are confirmed in reality. I think it's best to not drop to their level and instead just call them out from their passiveness, ask them directly why they felt the need to say that, or point out that it sounds passive aggressive, then the balls in their court to either man up and say what's really on their mind or lay down like the snake they are and be quiet.
Example: I was at a girlfriends family party and I am socially awkward and didn't know anyone so I was mostly chatting to my girlfriend in the garden tent with others around. Her mum was known to be quite toxic and was watching me and i guess could tell I was socially awkward and decided to say to me loudly infront of everyone "why don't you speak to other people instead of just your girlfriend" and you could hear a pin drop as everyone in the tent went quiet and waited for my reply, so I replied "why are you trying to put me on the spot infront of everyone?" She squirmed and then smirked with a nod as if to say fair play, and didn't say anything. The others around laughed and gave me some respect cause they could see what she was trying to do too. My girlfriend afterwards told me she liked how I dealt with her mum, she's never seen anyone do that. Her mum stopped being toxic to me after that day.
I dunno if it's the best route but that worked for me.
I like to be obviously ignorant to passive aggressive people. Just completely ignore what they want til they break down and tell it to you straight. Then respond positively, which shows them that not being passive aggressive works
There’s times where questions and thoughts flood my mind and nearly drive me insane trying to figure out why people treat me the way they do. “Why do I have to change the way I feel? Why can’t they just leave me alone? I know if I act just like them they’ll leave me alone but I don’t want to become the monster.” It was nice to silence the negative thoughts by being able to listen to this video and hear this guys perspective on this topic. Thanks dude 👍🏽
10:02 - "They're attacking your ego." Wow, this one got me. Thank you
Jocks was finally disciplined enough to pay the electric bill
It seems that the passive aggressive person has something to say, but won't/can't directly communicate their idea in a direct manor. Intimidation, lack of will, or lack of knowing how to communicate it seems would be the driving force in someone acting passive aggressive. For those of us who have to deal with this kind of behavior, Jockos idea of putting your ego in check is the key. It might feel like a direct jab (which might be the intention), but as a leader, being able to not responding in a defensive way and being able to identify this allows you to give these people a chance to actually learn how to communicate what it is that they need to say. Maybe after a few rounds of this(bringing the passive aggressive to the open), they will begin to learn how to communicate in a more direct way, instead of indirectly creating snide remarks designed to jab that don't bring productivity to the table.
But that only applies to situations where you need the person or want to help them, right?
Cause on the Internet I'm frequently pushing passive-aggressive people to their limits, making them either A) admit they don't care about the subject at hand (it's just an excuse to lash out at X) by decomposing their line of thought or B) that they have such issues described by you and inviting them (although rather poignantly) to say what they really mean to say.
My opinion is different from the hosts in the sense that I don't think people change that easily/quickly, so finishing the job and them removing the snakes from the team would be a better solution. I don't need them for their venom if I'm willing to deal with the rats myself.
@@Marcotonio I think we'd want to help them, even if they don't want to help their selves. Sometimes that help is by getting rid of them, because they are not willing to grow and end up stifling themselves and the team.
I agree that most people don't change easily/quickly. I would say it depends on the severity of the situation/mission, and the leader has to make a decision on whether or not the individual has potential to grow, or if they are just a hindrance to themselves and the people around them.
Currently working from home b/c of the whole social distancing thing.
I answer phones and answer IT questions all day.
My roommate decides to chime in on my call. He says loudly, "do you have to talk that loud?" I was talking quieter than when he and I talk.
I responded with, "I talk to customers on the phone. "
The next two days, he keeps talking louder and louder, each day. Pretty passive aggressive, to me.
I was told that if you can, avoid toxicity.
I simply moved to another room. My thoughts were, I have a job to do. This is an obstacle, sure. But not one I must engage. Go around if possible.
Would like to know how to deal with passive aggressive friends and family more. People who will for example not talk to you without saying whats wrong or will block you for a month when they get pissed and don't even tell you why. I'm more of a direct person and will just say when there's an issue I'm having and I'm finding a lot of friends and family play these passive aggressive games. I find it annoying and tend to not acknowledge the behaviour so if a friend is mad and won't tell me I don't chase them or give into their game. I've told family and friends to be direct and tell me when there's an issue but there just some people who are too used to being passive aggressive and would rather give you the silent treatment.
Great advice when you deal with this person periodically or short term. I have found they need continuous propping up and recognition. Can be very exhausting if you have to collaborate on a regular basis and their passive aggression becomes undermining.
💯🗣️‼️
You destroy them with reason, facts, and rationality until you break their spirit.
This.
@@tidypeaches This. how can you be such a fucking npc
All make sense if you deal with normal people.
Not with egoistic compulsive liar OCD mix. You will never make them think like should.
It is even wasting energy to try to do.
@@piotrkonieczynski XD
“You need the snakes because they eat the rats”. DANG
To protect yourself from being 'fake', you really have to deal with the passive-aggressive with empathy, trying to help them, more than being challenging or confrontational. In that way they, amongst other things lose their fear of you and this serves as a building block of the process.
I've worked with my fair share of snakes, not even in the military I'm talking about civilian workers. I have bent over backwards and swallowed my tongue more times than I can count, and painful as it is to say, Jocko is absolutely right on this one. You HAVE to play the game. My job has always been backend roles where my work isn't directly recognized meanwhile the people I support basically get treated like superstars. This creates alot of resentment and hostility between departments and it took me a while to figure out that getting frustrated and defensive does nothing but drive the rift further and further apart. So what does one do in this situation? Observe, learn, adapt. When this coworker becomes frustrated with me, I find out why and explain to him why his solution isn't possible and then we meet somewhere in the middle. If he's overburdened or struggling, I accept some of his workload even if it inconveniences me. When he accepts some of my responsibility and gets it done in an acceptable manner, I thank him and make sure I recognized his efforts, no matter how small or insignificant (this one works more than anything else to be completely honest). If you're passing by him, smile or wave, even if they don't do the same back. Include them in conversation as much as possible to try and integrate them with the team, possibly even find common ground in passing conversation. Above all, take the snarky and snide remarks in stridel; they are expecting a reaction to reaffirm their beliefs of you, the easy solution is just don't give it to them.
In short, where they are passively aggressive you want to be aggressively assertive.
9 times out of 10 a team player comes out the other side. The last guy is just an asshole you can kind of ignore until he decides he wants to be a part of the team or be bitter and alone.
“Hey what the fucks the problem?” solves a lot
XD I wish I wasn't such a people pleaser because I would definitely like to say that. But I generally choose my battles & avoid confrontation unless I deem it absolutely necessary. Not burning bridges & whatnot. But I'm close to my wits end with someone in my life right now. Hence why I am watching this video.
if you play with snakes you will become one.
Exactly
I ain't playing shit. Here's how to stop passive aggressive people. Be aggressive. The end.
Great distinction between hope and expectation.
I feel jocko believes you can do better if you try. He believes in a better life. 🗽
When living in a society run by Psychopaths (i.e., a Psychopathic Society), people will tend to take on Psychopathic Traits.
I like this comment. I am more confident that we're inching towards end times. Evil is celebrated, good is persecuted.
@@user-eg4ym7gl4y it's been that way forever, though.
it'll pass. everything does
@@thac0twenty377 Not this time...
@Eric Miret Nice gaslighting. You're either hilariously naive, or you're part of the Cluster B hivemind trying to keep your brood hidden.
As much as possible, don’t engage with passive-aggressive people. Grey rock them and give them no ammunition.
Might be my favorite video of theirs so far. I’ve struggled with that same question for so long 🤣 thank you guys!
Today’s society tells you that treating your boss, coworkers, clients, etc, with patience & tolerance is brown-nosing & being fake; because the real you would “blow up” and wouldn’t take that crap from your family, friends, employees, etc. But the reality is that the real you is patient & tolerant..and when you do “blow up”...that’s just you being lazy. In the same way that you being 50 lbs heavier than you are now isn’t the real you...it’s just you being lazy. So it’s ok to be patient & tolerant, you can still get your point across, it just takes some work & some intellect...but that’s the real you...and the result is better for everyone involved.
Sounds like a lot of wishful thinking.
Well put
Kephartacus - [ ] Positive thinking is nice, but this is more of an active effort to maintain self-control, whereby one can state a case and make their point calmly and/or professionally...without losing one’s composure & blowing up; because to do so would be the lazy option.
Lovely comment and will store this in my noggin!
Spot on, my friend. Society doesn't value any semblance of discipline or self control anymore.
It's really cool that once you understand what motivates passive aggression and similar behaviours, it allows you to get past it emotionally and truly observe what's happening, so you can react to it in a positive, constructive way. Thanks for your help, Jocko!
what motivates them??
Speaking of passive-aggressive behavior, I want to ask something. My boss was upset I had signed up for a one-person shift, because she didn't think I could manage alone. She scolded a lower-ranking manager for not noticing I had signed up a coffee service. When she asked him if she thought I could do the shift, I answered for him with a firm "yes," because I felt belittled by her. She said she didn't think so, was all "I've told you not to sign up for shifts by yourself, I've been very clear about that, I don't know how much clearer I can get for you to listen" and she told me I need someone there to give me instructions and guide me. At that moment, this girl approached and said, "Hi. I work at [certain bakery] in Washington Street and we're looking for new workers. It's a great place to work, and the best part, the manager is so nice." So I was all, "Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. I will look into it right after work." Tell me, how passive-aggressive did I sound?
I don't have the energy to play games, play along, charm snakes etc 😐
So much this lol.
Same, and I also refuse to make/waste the energy to do those things.
??
I can’t do it. If I don’t like you, I won’t be around you I absolutely loathe fake people.
Same unless I want something from that person lol or need to get through them in order to achieve something. I’ll play as “Steve Irwin” all day! In general I am the same ide rather be alone than in misery with others
fuck i hate fake people too
Fake people simply aren't worth it. Team or not.
I literally cannot pretend to like someone lmao!!
I'm like bitch were not on the same level. You evade. I deal with shit head on. No tip toeing like a little bitch. Come out with it. And snakes might get the rats but I'm killin everyone head on.
@@AMANRA3 apply directly to the forehead.
I wish I listened to this podcast while i was active duty, im in the air guard now and this will help me w/ my future military career 👍🏽
I can apply this with my family. This is perfect for me right now to be able to keep things rolling for myself and those I really care about. "If we're on a team, why are we going against each other". I can get over my ego no problem. Thank you.
I agree w jocko. I know some people say to confront them about it but in some situations some people unconsciously make PA comments. They’ve done it so much that most times they don’t even think it through, so when you come at them like they have a full on problem with you they don’t take you seriously. If anything it causes them to continue to make PA comments towards you to trigger you, whether it works or not. From my experience some of the best things to do is sarcastically reply to their PA comment which tells them indirectly that you know what they’re doing or, flat out ignore what they say. Don’t even acknowledge that they made a comment towards you. When I’d do this to people whether they be friends, co-workers, etc. it shuts them down. I didn’t even acknowledge them or their comment so they just stopped doing it.
Don’t get emotionally attached to the situation because that’s where you fail to address it. Play it cool, act like you’ve been in the situation before. Don’t bat an eye. people will slowly get the notion that their comments are irrelevant & won’t make them towards you. Most people who are PA are trying to get under your skin or snake their way into telling you something that they can’t tell you directly. You deal with people like that by being sarcastic back or not acknowledging that they’re even there. Just don’t put your energy towards something not worth investing it in. Plenty of other things you have to deal with that are much more worthy of investing your energy in.
Snake? Come in snake!? Snaaaake!!!!
"Don't sweat the petty stuff, and don't pet the sweaty stuff" ;)
"Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves." Matthew 10:16 This is Jocko in a Bible verse.
In highschool there was this group of guys I didn't get along with. We had some disagreement and never got along. I was aggressive towards them. I'd pick fight's as a defense mechanism. Eventually I left them alone because I was told I'd be expelled, they didn't leave me alone though. They'd do passive stuff like kick my chair when sitting behind me when I'd tell them to stop they'd say something like "I didn't do anything, what's your problem with me" playing the victim. I told them I was going to leave them alone but they carried on with me. I did what I was told to do by my principal, leave them alone and report whatever happened, this resulted with her not believing me or doing anything about it. They turned my friends against me, teachers against me and the principal against me using lies and manipulation. I tried pushing through it but I finally said enough is enough, I'm either going to k myself or leave the school so I left the school. My biggest regret was choosing to be peaceful rather than just beating them all up. I am Christian so I know why I chose to be peaceful but sometimes war needs to happen before peace comes. Don't listen to cowards who say "ignore, ignore, ignore and don't fight". If you ignore them they'll think you're affraid, they'll make you believe you're affraid and then eventually you'll be affraid. Caution breeds fear don't make the mistake I made, just fight even if you lose.
Great advice! Also reminds me that I need to check myself sometimes.
It's true after a while you get a tolerance against their bullshit, but the stomach thing oh boy it burns.
Passive aggressive, toxic, or difficult people sure can make it hard sometimes. It can be tough. There's a lot of "it depends" on how I'd handle it. 1st: Know the mission and be in alignment with the mission, 2nd: Make sure no laws - hostility in the workplace, creating dissension, discrimination aren't being violated, 3rd: Documentation, 4th: Communication. I have examples. I'd love to hear some real candor and examples of how to handle it and how not to handle it. That would be captivating to hear about. Thanks! You guys are amazing! I noticed comments from others here are really valuable too.
I work with a bunch of PA guys who bad mouth whoever isn't around at the moment and so I try to avoid them by keeping mostly to myself.
The other day I took my break in the empty manager's office so I could quietly study my book. While I was reading, I put my feet off the corner of the desk. Come in a few days later to the manager telling me that my coworkers took pictures of me with my feet up and tattled. Fortunately after telling me not to do that again, he thought they were being snakes and so he told me who all was involved.
I confronted one of them and asked him who was taking pictures of me at work. He denied it until I told him the manager told me. I asked him why he didn't handle things like a man and talk to me if he had a problem instead of being PA. I didn't really want to make a scene but after this and a few other incidents prior, I felt I didn't really have much of a choice.
I needed this. I’m not passive aggressive but I have a relative that is extremely passive aggressive. She is constantly on it. I need to learn how to handle it. I think in reality she is a very jealous person.
Match a persons attitude. Never come off as an easy read.
Battle mentality isn't the best method. Great point. Takes too much energy, forever!
I'm glad Echo emphasized just how DIFFICULT it is to grind through that stupid game day after day after day. Really, the question isn't the "what" but the "how" of dealing with snakes, and the how is the hard part. fwiw
Thank you for your podcasts. They help me out a lot. Learning how to get a spine. Been trying to get stronger mentally. Giving up is not an option. I've been trying to practice discipline as best as I can. I always fall short though. I keep doing the same things over and over again ,and it's frustrating as heck. I keep trying to avoid junk food, coffee. Trying to get out of my own head. Trying to figure out what my goal is ,and then when I start it ,I'm fine, but when depression hits, I go back to the same thing. I want to have a stronger mind. I want to wake up early, eat healthy, exercise ( my body hates exercise. I have to force myself to do it. ) I want to self improve, and stuff like that. I want all of it, but sometimes it feels like I don't even though I do ,because there haven't been good results, yet. I don't care how long it takes for me to get better with everything. I don't want to give up. No matter how hard the heavy weight of life is going to continue to be, I still want to carry it. I still want to fight. I still want to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't want to be weak anymore. I want to be positive about everything as best as I can. I'll still keep trying to be strong, and to think more on a positive scale. I'm going to keep practicing everything until I get it right.
Is important to don't give up . Sounds like you have a plan.
You deal with a snake by destroying them not by befriending them. Once you recognize that someone is playing games and isn’t straightforward then you start to play games. Learn how to be passive aggressive as well. Put them in embarrassing situations and attack before you get attacked.
I dont think you realise how much this hurts to people who are no good at the game.
I think its worse than physical abuse
I tried being a snake charmer. More than once. I still wound up in the "hospital". They will ALWAYS fuck you up, as soon as your back is turned, when you least expect it. I prefer to stay away.... "Bitch, you knew I was a snake!"
Guys, this is probably a life changing video for me. Wish me luck)
And by the way Echo sounds a bit like young Tyson)
Thank you for your job! Godbless you!
I walk away bc all else will land me in county
@Crockett WELL PUT!
Dave Tdog lmo
Not enough likes on this comment.
@Nathaniel Hall that's skill!
I barked at U coz U went against justice and liberty.
But U are smart enough to rectify Ur behavior.
And Ur a good soldier.
Most passive aggressive people I've dealt with have been completely spineless. It was obviouse they would never escalate beyond the vague threats and vailed disrespect. As soon as I gave it back they shyed away and left me alone.
Mission failed, killed my boss. We'll get em next time!
Gosh 🤣
In short: Tolerate them and read them constantly. You'll have them figured out and know how to control them (for the benefit of the team) in time.
It's better to be a devil in alliance with the truth than an angel in alliance with falsehood.
People don't deal with passive agressive people. That's why they continue on.
Plus the biggest issue I have with these people is that they think everyone thinks like they do.
1. Expose
2. Befriend
3. Recruit
4. Dominate
5.Noted
6. Eat twinkies.
@Crockett Running away, in my opinion at least, is next to the last thing to do with one of these narcissists you describe. Giving ground to the enemy only invites him to take yet more ground.
If it is war your narcissistic friend wants, it's war he will get. Read up on the _Art of War_ and apply its principles practically on this relationship - deception, allegiances, movement, action, you name it. These cockholsters don't deserve an inch of what's yours unless it serves to retake what's yours.
@Crockett I use the term "narcissist" about as technically as one can. It would fall under the antisocial personalities spectrum and refers to someone who is often above average intelligence and is completely selfish - involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration. They're generally more agitating than dangerous, but some of them use this self-important disregard for humanity to create the illusion of authority and gain influence and ruin you in the process. Psychos and sociopaths are potentially worse, of course, since their antics are usually directed at individuals for raw enjoyment; you'll find a lot of them in positions of authority too. Strange how the human brain conflates abuse with right, hmm?
As for the second post, you are largely right. After all, if a city is destroyed in pursuit of the destruction of a foe which requires far less effort, who is the bad guy here? The goal of any confrontation, from a defensive standpoint, is to break contact with the enemy as quickly as possible. Keep it that simple, and you have a much more manageable pool of options to choose from.
that piece of content right there is gold!!!
play their game so they can't no longer sting you and rub you the wrong way!
Hi guys! Listening to this was very helpful for me. I'm dealing with this at work and it's been unsettling. Your pointers about keeping my & the other person's ego in mind, when I encounter this type of behavior, is great advice! Many thanks!!
"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." (The Godfather Rule)
???
I don't trust anyone who believes that. "So I'm your enemy?"
@@nyeahgarner2420 Regardless if I said it or not. Nobody cares more about you than you.
Okay, I'm 15 and I believe after watching this I can be passive aggressive more than I realised, I've also always had a problem with people pleasing and expressing anger so that's got something to do with it, in order to stop being passive aggressive do I just let my concerns out and set those boundaries?
Yes but also respect their side of the situation and move on
Here in the south everyone is passive aggressive...saccharin and correct and polite. I couldn't live here without the black people...they are usually polite, but warm and funny....with an undertone of moral high ground which is adorable. I miss Texas where I grew up....
Yeah, I moved down South from NJ. 100% true. I stayed 4 years and that was enough. It's too much work doing business with people who don't tell you the truth & never directly address issues or problems.
Dudes are missing a major factor in what makes ppl willing to play that game or not-reward. If it’s something you deem valuable or worthy in your life, you’ll play the game. If it’s some shit 9-5 you already despise and don’t want to put any extra effort into, you won’t. Period. It’s not about being “fake” or “authentic”, it’s about whether or not it’s worth it to you to be what you need to be to win, and sometimes it’s just not.
Dealing with snakes works great if you can control your emotions. It works best when they think you like them. I've always used the rats to pass selective messages up the chain of command. A rat/snake can be useful if used correctly..
Yeah, figure out who is in their network. They'll send informants, usually female, to extract something. Give a little crumb and see where it goes. The weirder the better. If you're good at it, you can pick out the ones who are involved, because they usually stand close by, watching.
Only problem is when you realize the bs goes all the way to the top, because even your supervisor is blowing dog whistles.
Jocko seems to only speak from a point of leadership. There's a difference between deciding who is good for a "team" and not knowing what people want from you, because they all act like enemies. They certainly don't want you to act the same, and if you do, they are only gathering ammo that they can use against you, while they deny having ever antagonize you in the first place.
Jocko didn't think apply thia to being in the middle of a snake pit. When the floor you stand on and the walls around you are made of snakes, you're getting bitten.
Applying online usually involves psych tests, which makes thing more interesting when you find yourself in a place, full to the brim, with people like this. Who are they looking for?
I like the term culture. When you travel in the grass there will be always be snakes with their own culture established. You are better off learning their customs so that you know when your in trouble or in the clear. This is awesome stuff.
🐍🇺🇸
Usually such passive aggressive people are led by their jealousy towards pretty much everyone around them but they tend to pick a concrete target. That's usually one of the most capable ppl but in the weakest position.
They never stop even if the person tries to work with them, let them get away with stealing credit etc We've had that at work.
What should be done about the snake? Boss takes the snake's side cause boss has narcissistic tendencies, wants to present a good image and the snake is high up in command.
P.s. I resigned cause I understood I was in line for abuse.
Really enjoy learning all these, appreciate how Jocko is sharing all these skills, thoughts and healthy mindsets. Why he seems to know everything
Jocko is so wise
It’s just so hard to deal with people who act nice or ask questions to look for weakness/advantage. It’s difficult to be around someone who thinks about what to say to you. Those are the 2 biggest issues I have.
What if they’re just uncomfortable or don’t know what questions to ask?
I'd argue that it's not them thinking about what to say, but rather what their intentions are. Wise and benevolent people tend to pick their words carefully, too.
I first need to be sure that I have high self esteem. Otherwise I will always ask myself "Am I just too oversensitive or is he passive-aggressive against me?". This will take my power away and I cannot resolve this conflict within the team.
We've a saying (a well known saying) : ''Don't sweat the small stuff'' - so true. Use tactical withdrawal and reflect consider and move on.
Wow, I'm totally dealing with this issue at work. This was super-helpful.
The more you hang out with snakes, the better chance you're gonna get bit. I usually agree with you but disagree on this one. Cheers
100%
I worked in a vipers nest for 2 years and came out having absorbed FAR too much toxicity. Not worth it. Ever.
I think this video was more directed to snakes they you HAVE to deal with. Coworkers, teammates etc
My understanding of his point is that you get bit either way. But if you learn to handle snakes, you get the “antivenom from their fangs.”
Snakes will be around you in life. The trick is playing with the snakes, so when they bite you, it doesn’t matter.
Sometimes you have no choice but to work with them.
I wish all people saw this video, like everyone. Dearlord this is such a useful thing to learn children so all parents needs to know it!
In order to stab someone in the back, you must first get behind them!
Sir humphrey Appleby (yes prime minister)