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7 Ways to Keep Their Passive-Aggression from Driving You Nuts! Dr. Rhoberta Shaler
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 มี.ค. 2019
- In other episodes, I've described passive-aggressive behaviors in others, and how to recognize them in yourself. TODAY, it's all about how to save your sanity around passive-aggressive people!
You need to learn how to side-step toxic, passive-aggressive behavior, and save your sanity, right? Today's episode gives you 7 ways to do just that.
HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:
- Do not try to win or apply reason when confronting passive-aggressive behavior.
- Do not join in the hostility.
- Know your boundaries, and express and maintain them, no matter what resistance you experience.
- Examine what might be your fault, and own it. Reject what is not, and say so.
- Do not engage in blame. This only exacerbates arguments.
- Remember that passive-aggressive behavior coming towards you is not about you.
- You need help to see the patterns, because when you're a participant in the relationship, they are very hard to see.
Other episodes have talked about important aspects of being in relationship with a passive-aggressive person, and about what to do if you are being passive-aggressive. Now, how to protect yourself from the toxicity of passive-aggressive behavior coming from someone else!
You feel the energetic hit of their toxic behavior, but strangely, most folks immediately question themselves. That's where you have to start making changes. Once you recognize the passive-aggression, you can then do things differently yourself. That's where your power lies.
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Passive-aggressive behavior is covert--stealthy, underground, and under-handed. You feel it, but you're not often certain what it is that's bothering you. Until you do! That's why I've written so much about it, and devoted several episodes to it. Once you know clearly what it is, you will feel empowered in the face of it. Maybe not immediately, but that will be the result if you step up and use these seven tips all the time.
Passive-aggressive people can make chaos out of thin air. Actually, they are secretly delighted to do so. It gives them power over others. They haven't learned to approach situations, feelings, relationship, or communication directly, so they do it indirectly. Hence, the chaos!
I hope this help you see that more clearly. If you need help with this, I'm here for you.
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I am Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.
I offer relationship advice for dealing with difficult issues and relentlessly difficult people.
I focus on helping my clients to stop tolerating abuse, and give them strategies for changing relationship dynamics.
Are you in relationship with a Hijackal®? Someone who consistently behaves in ways that undermine you, put you down, make you crazy? I can help you understand that behavior and how to keep yourself safe and sane.
I work with individuals, couples, families and workplaces, worldwide, through private, secure video conferencing.
Schedule an initial 1-hour consultation HERE for only $97.
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The hardest part about interacting with them is that they never provide an opportunity for any kind of solution seeking. (There’s never any light at the end of the tunnel.) It’s actually sadistic, because they secretly delight in your emotional pain and confusion.
They put you in a lose- lose situation. If you ask them what’s wrong, they say nothing; yet the sneaky bad behavior continues. Their dysfunctional behavior is cruel and it never gets better. The only real solution in the end is to limit your exposure, and just eventually get away from them permanently. You have to save yourself.
Hi, Sunny! Well-said! You're right. Passive-aggressive behavior, especially when it is frequent, is toxic, and you are best to distance yourself from it. It IS dysfunctional, and demonstrates emotional issues in the person behaving in such a fashion. I wish you well away from it!
Rhoberta
I don't believe for a moment that these disturbed characters are unaware of their behaviors. These are deliberate tactics to get a desired outcome.
Especially those at it for decades.
You can't go wrong with great insight and helpful tools. Thank you!!!
1) Negative complainers
2) Blame others, don't take responsibility for themselves
3) Argue readily, need to be right
4) Sullen and withdrawn, cold shoulder
5) Criticize quickly
6) Don't respect authority, whine and complain
7) Victim mentality
8) Run hot and cold between open hostility and hidden aggression
9) Passively resist being accountable
10) Intentionally inefficient
11) Late or forgetful
12) Sabotage in stealthy way
13) Fearful of competition
14) Fearful of intimacy
15) Push / pull dynamic
16) They want you in an uncertain place, creates chaos out of nothing. Delighted in doing that, creates control and power for them
You're welcome...and, I agree!
It looks like a recipe for being an obedient conformist. Don't complain? Respect authority? Otherwise you are a "passive-aggressive narcissist"? I don't buy that.
This culture is going nuts. Even psychology is mistaken about how human beings are intended to live naturally. In some cases complaining, crying, criticizing or rebeling against "authority" is healthy. Further, "authority" is anti-natural and healthy humans rebel against it because it is itself narcissism.
Beware not to label as narcissists people who are simply countering abuse. And this culture and its hierarchies is based on abuse.
I was blown away qhen you said intentionally inefficient. That perfectly describes my husband. You put into words exactly how I've been feeling. It's so frustrating to live with someone that is intentionally inefficient all the time. It's crazy making. It is in turn making me passive-aggressive right back and I hate that. I don't want to be like that.
I feel you! I had to live with this for 4 years with my SD! You respectfully hold them to correction but they NEVER COMMIT. It's in multiple things. It's like you are wasting your time and breath because they are intentionally being dismissive. They have zero intentions of committing to tasks and corrections. They live in their own "flying monkeys bubble" and we're just the "scenery." It is more than frustrating. It's highly disrespectful. Then, after you've had multiple, sit-down conversations with them, asking them to give feedback, trying to come to an understanding, giving a warning of a consequence if no change happens, they continue to do what they do, thinking nothing of it. Finally, when the said consequence THEY CHOSE drops, they blame you, disrespect you, character assassinate you, greatly diminish the situation and add their own twist for sympathizers, and play the victim. They need mental health intervention.
The part about confrontation is spot on. Even for the simplest of tasks - the avoidance is just so.... Infuriating. “Purposefully inefficient” sums it up very well.
Yes! It's infuriating. That's why it's so important to take steps to deal with it. I've done several videos on passive-aggression. I hope you'll watch and find some effective insights to help.
I wish you well.
Rhoberta
THE BEST video on PA personality disorder by far.
From my experience making a contract with yourself not to take their behavior personally. This creates a crevasse so you can breathe and think clearly.
Also give replies that create some space/time for you to respond in your power...not theirs.("Hi! I'm right in the middle of something, I will get back to you as soon as I'm free". You could be free three day from then. "Be vague, non-committal with your answers, but in a kind way).
They take NO responsibility!!!! And you will NEVER get a straight answer!!! Thank you dear lady and thank GOD for providing us with you to keep us sane!!! I love you!
You are SO welcome!
Your absolutely 1000 % right. It's unbelievable how you nail their behaviour it's insane.
Yes! I've never heard it being put that way of describing.. "Purposefully inefficient"..
They criticize to the point of shaming. They inflame imperfections and mistakes in others, with no apologies or accountability on their part for anything.
They are hypocritical, admitting sometimes they are difficult but fully embrace and excuse that flaw no matter who they hurt, no matter how wrong they may be. It's repulsive. Their own offspring and family are not safe from their assaults.
The "push-pull" thing is very real. It feels toxic, like "walking on eggshells," because it is. It's abuse in every way. They are like venomous vipers. It is tragic. I regret EVER allowing myself to be vulnerable to the ones in my life.
Well put.. "Masters of the cold shoulder"..
My mother is passive agressive. She turns my life into hell. All my life she plays the victim and I tried to save her and I lived whit her to help her. But now she turns all hers passive agressivness on me and Im at the point to leave her and the house I lived in and remt an apartment with my husband and kids to get away
I think you have a good plan. The best thing is to be away from passive-aggressive folks and #Hijackals, if you can. Moving away would remove her influencing your children by watching her behavior.
It's kind that you're helping her. It's kind to yourself to have somewhere to relax and restore your own energy, and your family's peace. I wish you well.
They will not change as long as you are around this is their job they need to do their work! SAVE YOURSELF SAVE YOURSELF SAVE YOUR SELF SAVE YOUR SELF OR YOU Will Loose your mind! This is emotional abuse! They will ruin the fiber of who you are!
💯
I wonder, can a partner that's passive aggressive influence their partner to become a passive aggressive person?
I worry about the same. Can we become passive aggressive if we are around people with such behaviors too long or too often?
Yes!! Absolutely they can. They make it impossible to resolve conflicts. You can't confront them about anything and they won't confront you about anything so there's never any resolution so you in turn become passive aggressive right back at them because it's the only tool you are left with.
So thankful for all this help you share> I Found your channel just in the right timing. All you explain is like you are living inside my marriage and outer circle. I am going to love reading your books for more information, so that I know the how to's in the near future. It's amazing that I still hold on to my sanity, whilst having to deal with all this lunatic behavior. Although my health took a big toll, and it's no wonder, so much frustration and let-downs, questioning the what happened, I know now, that enough is enough.
You're so welcome. The chronic stress and anxiety of living with a #Hijackal (and, doubly so if you were also raised by one) can take a toll on your health. Autoimmune issue seems to arise too often.
Yes, it is lunatic behavior...and, not just on a full moon. And, yes, enough is usually more than enough!
@@ForRelationshipHelp Yes my father is the other one I recognize these behaviours in. In my case it's the immune system that took the toll. Building myself back up again, slowly but progress is not a one day job. Thanks again.
@@LeighKan Good! Take good care of you!
You have no idea how much that helped - thank you so much - I wish you love., peace and a night filled with stars and sweet dreams xx
Great! You are so welcome!
This does sound familiar to me but it seems the passive aggressive behavior of this person as got me so frustrated that they have exhibiting passive aggressive behavior back just to avoid the nauseating drama and of this has made it even more sickening to where I feel nauseated. I would normally just cut this person out of my life and that might just happen but I really need to consider the fact that this person has been a real helpful friend and I've already told them I don't like feeling unlimited to put up with this behavior just because I'm grateful for all the things they've done for me and my family. So I've been direct with them but their behavior still doesn't change its actually gotten worse where they are just doing the silent guilt trips and this is where they have me second guess myself and I just am tired of having these conversations about our relationship. They make it too complicated. I just want it to be simple. Ugh!
When encountering these people one constant is envy. Secondly they relish in the misfortune of others, I actually caught a micro expression upon hearing the news about another's misfortune.
Sadly so. They often relish the misfortune of others because they feel superior. Psychopathic people will actually create the misfortune!
Thanks, I learnt so much
Great videos there very informative and your style of explaining makes it easy to understand Thanks!!!!
Just remember people, you have to be very careful pinning labels on someone simply because they may exhibit a 'few' of the traits, some of the time, that fall into certain psychiatric behavioral symptoms. Most of us are quite the mixture of personality traits. For me, honesty is always the best policy. And dishonest people are soon easy to spot.
Passive-aggressive is a description of a behavior, a choice of response, and interaction. It can also be someone's coping mechanism when they do not/cannot /will not be assertive and own their choices in the moment.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Yes, I have dealt/ deal with people like this occasionally. I can recognize that people with some of the traits havn't learned the skill of communication - probably since childhood, attempting to get their needs met from uncommunicative parents? Consequently, they learn to manipulate, believing they can carry on into adulthood. Too bad schools wouldn't teach communication skills in early childhood.
Hi Vee. I grew up with a Narcissistic father and a Sociopathic mother. I've had only outright Narcissitic partners, or Passive Aggressive. Your point is what many counsellors say, they cannot diagnose anyone who is not sat in front of them. However, this is very INVALIDATING! I've given up seeking their help as it has just felt like more abuse. I've had enough of being told I'm either "too sensitive" or not sensitive enough because I'm not crying. None of it ever helped and none of it gave me any coping strategies. So if you are a professional I hope you bear this in mind.
SISTER, 2, THE ONE I STILL HAVE CONTACT WITH RINGS ME AND SAYS SEND ME PHOTOS BY TEXT OF MY ART; AS I REMARKED PAINTING
LOOKED LIKE A FRIEND, NO REPLY, SUCKERED IN AGAIN; SHE DOES THIS EVERY NOW AND AGAIN, I TELL MYSELF I KNEW THIS
BUT THEN FIND MYSELF DWELLING ON IT, SO VERY INSIDIOUS; THIS INSIDIOUS ABUSE IS FREQUENT, LITTLE THINGS;
I SHOULD GO NO CONTACT W/THIS ONE TOO, BUT I DON'T SEE HER MUCH BUT STILL SHE RINGS ME!
Thanks for the vid!, make more please. :)
You're welcome. I have made so many and constantly add to the channel. Subscribe and you'll know each time there is a new one.
Is it possible that a passive aggressive ( highly negativistic) person will blame themselves openly for their own inadequacies ,( but do nothing about it)? My partner procrastinates, wont ask for anything directly, levels subtle criticisms couched initially as 'neutral' questions, states they are going to do something ...even silly things like 'I'm going to take a shower', and then doesnt, or I'm 'going to go shopping', then doesnt...or does these things several hours later, is highly negative in affect, over reacts to less than life threatening situations almost hysterically on occasion, always sees the negatives in any situation, doesnt like confrontation, is perfect in social situations( smiley etc), but totally different at home...there's more and worse, leaving me feeling unbalanced , often in a catch 22 situation, sometimes nauseous, guilty etc.......but the main point is: Could this constant self criticism be a 'mask' hiding something else?
I have tried to be assertive and called out this behaviour , letting them know how confusing and hurtful it is , but EVERY time I'm met with shocked incredulity and hurt and "how I could have mis-interpreted the comment" and "thats not what I meant"( misunderstood).
We've been together for 2 and a half years and it's getting worse, to the point that my feelings for her are diminishing rapidly. And that hurts.She has some amazing qualities too, it's just that I don't get to see them that often. I often feel alone when we are together, as most nights she spends time scrolling on her phone or asleep.
She wants to change career and go into counselling and take a degree course, and has even self -suggested that she needs counselling-of course she's been suggesting this for over a year and a half-and hasn't really got very far.
There is still love in me for her, and I want us to work, but the negativity and subtle(not so subtle)digs, attacks, provocations, questioning etc, are draining me. I had some major depressive episodes some years back, but a lot of counselling and self- work has helped me to overcome this tendency. It concerns me that if this situation carries on as it is for much longer, then I'll lose my hard won optimism and optimistic nature and may fall back into old ways.
I don't know if anyone has taken the time to read on this far, but if you have , thanks you, it is appreciated. I have very few people I can talk to about this, my own fault, as I feel a degree of shame. So thanks again, even if its just for listening!
Yes,..! The aggression isn't about the issue.. 😒🤤😕
& yes.. "Push/ pull".. Attitude
Rhoberta, what kind of behaviors / thinking can we expect from a recovering passive-aggressive, or from someone whom we KNOW has recovered?
A person who is recovering from passive-aggression will take responsibility for their "slips." They will get help to overcome their aversion to conflict, in order to speak their truth in the moment assertively. They will also find new strategies to overcome their forgetfulness and procrastination. Good start!
First aF all thank you very much Doc. I have a question. I am merry with a girl who has clearly all the sign of a passive-aggressive behaviour, and unfortunately I lived all the consequences you described. We got a daughter, they are currently in another country, still not clear if she wants to keep the family or not. I did recently communicate my feeling of being sort of abused and in fear from her behaviour. She now wants to know how. Well, I guess if I confront rationally, my words seem to be quite ineffective, and so I was thinking to send to her one of your videos. My own psychologist said it would be better to avoid it, and it may be a passive-aggressive message as well. It might look like: you see, even an expert is saying that you are crazy-making, which is not my goal. My goal is to create awareness, and to answer to her question why I feel so intimidated from her. Donno what to do? Sending? Not sending?
Thank you
I'm sorry you're having such difficulties. I would not send my videos to her as it will not make a positive difference in all likelihood. You need to converse with her, preferably in writing, so you have a record of her responses. Don't confront as much as converse to learn more about what she's thinking, and to express what you're feeling.
I suggest not sending. It can be construed as passive-aggressive. Conversing is more direct.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Thank you so much for your answer, but actually it was already late.. because I sent to her 😅. Well, was for me the only way to express my answer, and on the other hand, she is interested in psychology and to find a way to see through the clouds. She didn't have a negative reaction, although we can never be sure what is in the mind of people. But she became recently more conciliating. I know and she knows, I guess, that I didn't send this video to attack, but to make clear, through the words of an impartial subject, that there can be abuse and violence in our minds without we realizing it, and that I don't want abuse or violence in our relationship and for the sake of our baby.
Do they manipulate, use shame and guilt, and micromanage and give orders to their peers?
Passive-aggressive people are more likely to play the victim, pretend they had no part in a conversation, or conveniently forget the details. Usually, when they use the tactics you mentioned, they are demonstrating more narcissistic tendencies as well.
@@ForRelationshipHelp o
My husband has driven me to desperation trying to figure him out. Blaming myself. I am absolutely frozen as nothing I do will work and he'll lie anyway. I spend almost all day in the car in parking lots to get away from him. I'm ready to die.
I hear you. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. I used to go sit at the library to avoid my second husband. Now I'm with the third, we knew each other for 7 years, now married for three. So here I am 10 years later finally figuring out that I'm with another "dud". I'm soon to be 65, and this marriage is so dysfunctional. I could never trust him to care for me in later years. He barely cares for himself. Do I divorce for the third time? My picker is definitely broken. He is outwardly kind, patient, and a "good guy" but I can see the anger seething just beneath the surface. He accuses me of lying all the time. I truly have never lied to him. He has nothing nice to say about anyone in his family. He is very negative. He often talks about smothering his infirm mother in her sleep. I wouldn't be surprised to wake up to a pillow over my own face one day. This is no way to live. I too, often wish I could just die. What's the point of all of this?
He won’t go for help, it’s hard to live with
My husband is classic P.A.
In a shop in a q I had not noticed the young assistant had called me.
I went to the one beside her.My husband laughed at the assistants who all joined in .I was so embarrassed. The scene in the Godfather Joe Pesci do I amuse you what's so funny tell me what's so funny. It wiped the smile off his face. After many years I am getting my sanity back. I cant ever count on him.i have lost total trust. So its hadiios.
He can find someone to play mine games with.
😎
It seems you see the situation well and are taking good steps toward a healthier life. Good for you!
Thank you Dr Rhoda
I am afraid a bit but its better than going crazy.
🤞
How can you tell the difference between ADD and passive aggressive?
Good question! First of all, one is a biochemical imbalance that may respond to medication. The other is an acquired emotional response that can be changed with enough desire and good help.
Thanks for your answer.
Does anyone have children that are passive aggressive if so any tips you want to share?
Children who behave in passive-aggressive ways have learned that telling their truth in the moment is unsafe, so they respond in P-A ways. Also, they pick up behaviors from their parents and siblings.
Also, children will procrastinate and generally drag their feet for attention, too. Give them immediate positive feedback for small things they do well, and you appreciate. This can help them feel safer to try things, and do them in a timely manner. I hope that helps.
Aw shit. I can't just enjoy my husband, I have to manage him. Such a waste.
WOW, some people in a nut shell
"Liked"
i decided to break up w/my mean, passive aggressive guy
I hope that brings you peace.