THE FAWNING RESPONSE: What You Need to Know to Give It Up & STOP Abandoning Yourself
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ก.ย. 2024
- Fawning can be thought of as a step further than people-pleasing. SO, you really need to know about it. Until you become conscious of it, you may be doing it. To get your life back, and to be emerging empowered, you want to recognize it, take charge of it, and garner new insights and skills. Join in!
HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:
- What The Fawning Response is
- How it shows up
- Why it shows up and becomes a habit
- Seven ways you abandon yourself when you choose the fawning response
- Why its important to see the fawning response and give it up
Fawning can be thought of as a step further than people-pleasing. SO, you really need to know about it. Until you become conscious of it, you may be doing it. To get your life back, and to be emerging empowered, you want to recognize it, take charge of it, and garner new insights and skills.
When you have suffered from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder--which many people who have been abused in many ways do, you may recognize that you actually respond to conflict with The Fawning Response. This term was created by therapist and abuse survivor Pete Walker in his book "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving". It's a coping mechanism, a poor one, used in an attempt to create safety in our relationships with others to garner their approval and meet their expectations. As I said, it's not a good one. It's unhealthy and damaging to yourself. Hence, self-abandonment!
You give and give and give in toxic relationships and it's never enough, right? Hijackals always want more. Even if they tell you exactly what they want from you, when you give that exact thing to them, they want something different. Overtime, over-giving becomes a habit, and so does fawning. It's exhausting.
One thing people who have experienced trauma don't want? More trauma. The fawning response is an attempt to prevent more trauma. IT DOESN'T WORK, but you're ever hopeful it will keep you out of the spotlight and out of hot water.
Listen in and recognize The Fawning Response in action. If it sounds familiar, take it to heart and choose to make a change. You may think it's keeping you safe, but it actually is not. You're losing yourself, and that's not a good thing at all!
If you recognize that the Fawning Response is something you want to address, I'm here to help.
I wish you well.
* * Remember, narcissists and other toxic people come in all genders and ages * *
and toxic relationships can be at home, at work, at play... with your parent, boss, spouse, sibling, friend, co-worker.
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I am Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.
Are you in relationship with a Hijackal? That's someone who consistently puts you down, love-bombs and gaslights you, creates confusion and chaos, and causes you to second-guess yourself? I can help you recognize, understand, and make decisions about those kinds of narcissistic behavior…and especially, how to keep yourself (and your children) safe and sane.
No worries about where in the world you live. I work through private, secure video conferencing. So, we can certainly work together to figure a few things out.
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It feels like the fawn response isn’t the problem. The problem is what our nervous system has been conditioned to believe will happen if we don’t fawn/appease.
YESSSSS
This is what I’ve been trying to express to my therapist thank you
exactly, it's just reflex arc/neuronet we created from the not safe situation in the past to survive, and it's function now is the reason of PTSD presence actually
what's this woman does't understand, it's seen when she is giving the tips - all these recommendations can not work out, because fawning (and freeze and faint as the sequence) delivers disassociation, so you simply can not understand what do you feel or want, because the fawning, to save you, literally erases the borders and you feel other people's feelings instead of your own, or at least it’s not easy, but yes, you need to start prioritising yourself over the others, little by little, if it’s too overwhelming to get your feelings and express it fully from that moment
I grew up fawning. Not only as the youngest of a dysfunctional family feeling like my existence broken the camels back but also when it all fell apart and everyone else went into fight flight and freeze, I became the stand up student, tons of friends, making dinner, cleaning. It was such a good strategy then but oh boy painful. So painful. It’s a lifetime of unlearning and I’m still finding lingering threads.
I was cinderfella too. It sucked. My family still expects it. Limited contact.
I have fawned for so long that I don’t know who I am or what I want/need. But videos like this give me hope!
Difficult, if everything was stripped from you too, and you’re at the rock-bottom start all over again and middle-age! It takes time and tons of work to look at your life at a distance in a non judgement way to understand this mess.
Same here.
I've been fawning and also finding myself with friends that fawn. So difficult, because we never know who has what boundaries, every one of us is scared to somehow push away the other.. And at the same time this creates such horrible ambiguity, we keep on making ourselves guess what the other person is really thinking! I guess I've been consciously choosing these kind of friendships thinking that this would protect me somehow, and now I'm trying to make friends with people who express boundaries, and set boundaries myself. So freaking difficult though, I feel like I'm swimming in one big emotional flashback.
I’m like living a nightmare flash back! No kidding
Wow. This is hitting me hard. I don’t want to be this way anymore. I matter, my feelings matter. Wow. Thank you for bringing awareness to this. On the healing journey ❤💪🏻🙏
It’s so frustrating I go into fawning and I don’t even realize I have 🤦♀️
Yes, though, once you realize what it is, and replay the instances when you've gone there, you can begin to change things. I wish you well with that.
I DO THIS COMPLIMENTING PEOPLE, SOMETIMES TO START A CONVERSATION, IT USUALLY MAKES ME AND THEM FEEL BETTER, SOME PEOPLE DON'T REACT, BUT I AM A PEOPLE-PLEASER, I GIVE THINGS TOO, I WONDERED WHY I GAVE A GIRLFRIEND AN EXPENSIVE JACKET, WHEN SHE WOULDN'T EVEN BUY ME A COFFEE AND SHE HAS LOADS OF MONEY BUT SHE IS REALLY TIGHT! THANKYOU 4 BRINGING THIS TO MY ATTENTION! , I'M IN AUSTRALIA, TOO FAR AWAY!
Omg i don't need a justification to say no. I needed to hear that
I’m not sorry for anything anymore and I just block them and let them cry to themselves. I don’t care about their bs
11:00 I'm using that line
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Recommended people stop “fawning” whilst speaking in a little girl voice.
Lo cortés no quita lo valiente.
Its interesting to acknowledge how mentally strong Ive been to go on with my life but at the same time this response has gotten in the way of living. I dont think anyone who is working on this should be self critical about it. It doesnt mean you are weak, its just time to move on. Like finding the clothes that really fit you now and make you feel good when you go out. peace
A very good metaphor for it!
Well said @356diane! Thank you for your comment. It has helped me.
This really helped me today. Thank you!
Agreed!!!
Needed to hear this 👏🏾
I so understand this. I think under the fawning response there is a lot of repressed angry. If you are with someone with whom you have to do this, get out. Not healthy at all.
it's rage underneath, I got it from the video of Forrest and his father
and it's so true - because fawning making us live in so bias state - we need to fawn, but because it's submission and suppression of ourselves, our body, mind starts to hate those person...so it's much more crushing both us and those another, because of course person feels this negative energy by the body
Coming from a state orphanage the fawning response helped me survive but now I realize that it doesn't serve me as an autonomous adult .
I overshare too much, but it usually takes a few meetings before I say enough to put my foot in my mouth.
I'm only 8 minutes in and I've never felt so heard. Thank you
Thank you for giving a name to this behavior that I do.
You're so welcome!
I feel like that . Exhausted. And no one consider I am human too .
Thank you
God Bless !
I've felt diminished, I'll treated, taken advantage of and have lived angry and resentful, unheard, undervalued.... and shut down, clammed, jailed and desperate for freedom.... thinking so much about how who all will think, dislike, question me, and reject.... health and sleep, peace of mind have been at stake. Lately I've begun to not seek anyone and observe, reflect, examine.... to reclaim and be ( empowered). Yes, haven't known what I really need, value and stand by it.
Thankyou.
I’m tired of talking about it. I want it to be over!!!! I buried it a long time ago just to spend time digging and analzicif. My relationship with others. I’m super observant and have many answers now. I’m sooo ready to move on in life.
Thank you, Dr. Shaler. During listening I remembered one guy who completely seriously told me: "Why should I talk to you about your problems, I want to talk about mine!" It was funny.
The obviousness of his statement could certainly be amusing, and you were healthy enough to see it for what it was!
❤ " your values shouldn't be fluid ! "
I am making a poster of that.
After 12 years of marriage, I left him. He wrote a letter to the judge and said I was a chameleon and therefore shouldn't have our kids.
We ended up seeing a psychologist.
He told the ex that I had every right to my own choices.
The ex exploded and left.
The psychologist told me to start with small things like choosing my favourite flavour of ice cream.
Thank you for this video. I have no idea how long its been happening for, but I think all my life. And I just realized how clingy and needy I've been.
You're so welcome. Any time you recognize something that can improve your life is the BEST time, right?
@@ForRelationshipHelp absolutely, that’s been the present focus and practice. As soon as it arises and doesn’t serve me. I forgive it and let it go, it dissolves and vanishes… and I’m left with the moment. Though I have to continuously repeat this process many many times per day. It’s been helping. I’m sure I will be beyond this trauma and the trauma responses and conditions one day! I just hope to do interviews and podcasts and share my story. Share the tremendous amount of healing and transformation that has occurred in my life. I sometimes dream of it and that I’m capable, and other times I slip back into the insecure self. I’m trying to get into the practice of “just starting” when it come to new things. At present I anything new has all the trauma responses that require energy and attention before I can just get started on a task that’s going to be super positive.
I would love to be engaged in a conversation by someone on Heath and wellness, mental illness, schizophrenia, childhood trauma, abandonment issues, tobacco and alcohol abuse, and yoga… and the transformational journey that yoga and Grace has blessed upon me.
Aaarrgghhhh!!!
I thought I was just broken!! 😭
I didn’t know there was a WORD for these “fawning” qualities!🥺🤬😢
Now, I have to figure out (with your help) how to fix it.
Crap I am such a Fawn. Today is the first day of my non Fawn life. Thank you!!! When I am blowing smoke up the Narc's arse so to speak, all the while I am thinking what a jerk, he's eating this bs up and he is the cause of it. I am never myself, I never show my real me to them because it's too painful. If he knew what I really thought of him, he'd lose his faculties. I am just in survival mode all the time. I need to get myself back, I am a good person, I genuinely care about others and putting them first is kicking my ass. I need to take care of me for a change. I just buried my narc dad that I was taking care of. I am the youngest one of 5 and I am the only one that stepped up to care for him. I forgave him. Trouble is I am married to the same type of person. I do love him but there are many things I do not love about our relationship, and I think there is hope. We are together 41 years. I don't want to quit. I just need to learn to not let him him trigger me all the time. If I can't do that, then I'll leave. He is otherwise a good person, but he was raised by a narc mother that he went no contact with over 20 years ago. So she rubbed off on him. I don't want to break up this family. I need to get my self respect back and learn to set boundaries tho. I'm afraid if I can't then I won't be able to stay here anymore. I am always searching utube for a quick fix to my extreme empathy. My daughter is my best friend now that she is an adult, she was a psych major and she tells me that my needs count, stop being so nice to everyone, they don't deserve your kindness etc. I love that kid. I did a great job with her. She is truly an old soul. Anyhow I spilled my gutts here, maybe someone else will see this and it will prompt them to change too. God bless you for helping others with your knowledge. One more thing, I really don't care who likes me (except my God and my kids), it's the conflict I am tired of and can't stand anymore. You are right about that Roman candle analogy tho lol
It’s not that I just wanted to be over after analyzing it and healing and all this other stuff I am really wanting the opposite of the life that I had before! I wanted my sunny disposition back as a team and I got that back. Now I want the rest of it back cause I’m tired.
That's why people also tend to radicalize with religion in the west. Ethnic minorities often don't get enough recognition through education and highly paid jobs. Due to poverty and incompetent illiterate parents they didn't have a loving upbringing as children. They tend to flee to religion which 'ill give them recognition from the higher above. This often results them in backbiting fellow believers who are less pious. They take their trauma of not being good enough out on others this way. And the ironic misconception is they think they please god.
Say “No”, then the Narc will Rage at you!! And that adds more trauma! I hate being yelled at.. especially when it is for no reason
Thanks from the ❤ Dr Shaler I did that in my last relationship he was screaming and dragged me by arm into another room pushed me into chair told me to shut up and listen. I froze then I noticed his look he was near the knives in kitchen so I didn't run suprising I said so ure gonna hurt me? I played nice and talked him down
I was scared. So you are right it escalates
Good quick thinking on your part! I'm glad it worked so that it didn't escalate!
oh honey, take care of yourself. Your comment jolted me.
Wow, thankyou. I am sitting in my car watching this, and thinking, yes, this applies to me. Thankyou for helping me name it, and to give me some relief, knowing that it can be a 'normal' response to being emotionally abused. I think I 'fawn' in other ways. I was starting to get worried about myself, because 'fawning' isnt me, and sometimes i do this now, with other people. I am in the process of resetting the boundaries with the abusive person in my life. I love what you said about having the right to your feelings, needs, and the simple power of the word no. Thankyou! This has helped me to know i am on the right path of putting my own needs first. It is hard, but with the passing weeks, I am starting to feel a bit better. E.g I now get better sleep. I will keep going with this. Love your videos. They have helped me, many thanks.
Non fawning compliment Dr Shaler ;
Your voice , in certain places , sounds like Marilyn Monroe.
lol...not sure if that's a good thing or not. :)
My curiosity of "Fawning" definition, led me to discover a lot about myself... and a healthy way to address it. Thank you!
I developed ME / CFS and attracted hijackal boyfriends , but I’m not sure where it started !!
Hijackals do prefer people who need them, or who they think that can control more easily. Being ill can be one of those things. Does that make sense regarding your recent experience?
I identified with this
Thank you .
I have dealt with big health issues due to this since I was little a home .
Thank you .
🙏♥️😍🌹
Fawning mentality ME! yes
The good news is that you're now aware and things can change, right?
this is the best video ever. first time I've seen one regarding this subject. SO important. wow. life changing. thank u sooo much
I saw my grandmother doing this my mother and me.But also beacuse of my dad and my mothers other husband how was an covert narc.I lerd it early.
Enabling: when you remove the consequences for others of their poor choices.
ABB: always believe behavior
God bless you for persevering in your journey
thank you dr!
Most welcome!
"stop doing that" ffs. Gee thanks.
My husband and i are both the youngest in our family and people pleasers. My dad and his dad was always strict and controlling. My mom and his mom was pushy, especially his mom. Since moving out to live with me, he has been able to say no more to his family/mom and she gets even pushier.
As for me I moved far away from my family because I tend to run away so they won’t contact me. Sometimes they still do when they really want something but being at a distance helps to say no. I’ve gotten better at this. My husband still has difficulty saying no at work though and always caves to what his boss wants
Dr Roberta. I’m so glad I found You 🤩🙏🏻
And the moment you speak up and suggest a vegetarian restaurant to your friends is the moment you will be dropped and never hear from them again.
@anonymousbyname, Then you got rid of them easy. I say congratulations.
We are trying to survive and the advice is that we are to be blamed, what we are told is that we are the problem, that we are doing something wrong.
Why are you therapizing victims? Are you of the opinion that the victim should be dealt with if they complain about another person? If I go to the police or the court the policeperson or the judge is not going to tell me to defend myself, he/ she will arrest or call the abuser to court. This general approach, where we are talking to victims about their trauma is simple victim blaming. Imagine complaining to the referee because another player kicked you during the game and the referee very calmly starts to explain why you got hurt and how you should respond. Victim treating is basically enabling abusers.
We are saying that we've been mistreated. Counsellors/ therapists/ coaches are telling us that we are the problem. Outrageous.
@aroncsoka Why stay the victom, get empowered instead.
Are you saying that the victim has chosen to be a victim/ to be disempowered? Abuse means that something has been done to the victim. Their will was disregarded, he was forced.
I don't think they want to stay victims. But they've been stripped of their free will. It wasn't up to them to become a victim and it's not up to them do heal/ get empowered.
I feel like when people say "get healed/ better" they're forgetting or disregarding what the features of a victim, victimhood are.
I find your survival response based in fear incredibly alarming. Fawn also allows us to connect with others. As someone you would class as a hijakal who has empowered people for decades … your defensive approach to boundaries is pushing hyper vigilance to threat! Personal boundaries.. knowing them, not allowing them to be breached is empowering not pushing a big bad wolf narrative… you seem to be sharing fear 🤷♀️
This is advice for people in toxic relationships. #HYJACKLS
Your comment does not seem to recognise the actual topic of discussion; and by applying your perspective, your comment seems unfair.