How Avoidants React To Rejection (How To Get Your Ex Back)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ส.ค. 2024
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I’m 37 and I’ve never had a healthy fulfilling relationship/connection with an avoidant. The clue is in the heading. The best things to do with an avoidant is to avoid them 💁🏻♀️
Awe avoidants need love too.
@@aquaearthnfirequ_pinsnsavi1721Not at the expense of others. No.
2004-2013 find out my parter was a avoidant and she didn’t let me leave my table during breakfast and lunch. 😂 I didn’t make a first move, she just flirting with me.@@aquaearthnfirequ_pinsnsavi1721
Avoidants are anything but gentle, trying to deal with them is like handling a child in an adults body.
@@Apbt-rv7zwso true, they are soooo immature! No emotional intelligence, but mine is so kind and thoughtful. Makes it hard to let go,
When the going gets tough, they get going.
Lol yip. No truer words
Lmao
Don’t waste your time. They’re not worth it. You might as well be with a robot.
They LOVE to sabotage relationships or test them. Whether it's from getting too close or feeling like things could be rocky, they will attempt to sabotage and test to make sure they made the right choice to be with you. It's torture and often borders on microcheating. In fact, the phantom ex piece is a huge part of this - it maintains the distance of safety.
Yes!!
Spot on!
I came here to say I love this guy. He’s helped me so much. I’m grateful he exists in this world
Both sides are scared to get hurt. One avoids to protect themselves the other tries too hard to get the connection by overdoing it when they shouldn’t have to. Both sides have to meet in the middle. The confidence and ease of someone who doesn’t care anymore or is patient for the response will eventually call the avoidant out of hiding simply by being happy and peaceful the avoidant needs to get help too and learn how to be brave so that intimacy and trust can occur then the anxious side won’t feel walked all over taken for granted or neglected in the closeness they deso
Yes, both needs to work together.
@@AlexisFriedlanderbrilliant response 👏🏼
This is your best video I’ve seen so far. I’m in the let go stage after setting boundaries when they came back and no progress was made. I have a hard time figuring out when I have done enough and you’ve helped me see that in have. I am sad but that’s given me a sense of peace. I do wish to have him back but only if he meets my standards of a reciprocal level of effort and knows what he wants. Thank you
I am in a similar situation😢 I finally set a boundary with my ex and asked him not to contact me anymore 2 months ago (he broke up with me 17months ago)
He started sending breadcrumbs again recently but I don’t feel bad ignoring him now, and I feel the same as you, he needs to decide he really wants me in his life and show me. I am really disappointed with how things have turned out after an 11yr relationship with him, but as you said I feel more at peace now not having contact with him and feeling in limbo and stressed how to reply to him and repeatedly getting rejected. I feel more in control now at least. I still want him back, but not unless he comes to me on his own. I wont try to talk him into anything ever again.
If he does come back now things will be different
This is very sensible. There’s so much content published about ‘no contact’ but this advice is usually stripped of the context of the partners’ attachment styles. Attachment style is everything.
I’m being stonewalled/silent treatment.
I think they do this to feel control, it’s crazymaking
They’ll blindside you too, you never know when it’s going to happen- sudden ghosting and break up out of nowhere
Only if you care…let them deal with their ish…when they are ready to talk they will…and if you want to talk at that point talk ….if not….REJECT THEM MERCILESSLY !!!!!! Them allow them to simmer in the pot that they made for you …. I loved an avoidant with my whole heart but he told me a story of himself where he liked a girl that rejected him so he dated her best friend made her fall in love and then dumped them so he would hurt them BOTH….”but I then I thought about it and I said to myself I made a mistake let me get back with the first girl” he told me our entire relationship right there ….so when I said no to being told if I didn’t give him my body on command after 4 days if meeting him and then he threatened me to go have sex with strangers ….i told him to dip his dickydoo in the trash if he wanted to that I was absolutely fine with that but it would never be me… this started the cycle of him trying to get one in and then dump me …. He spent 8 months trying to find a way to butter me up and then dump me ….it never happened ….in the end he ended up crying and telling me that he’d never felt that way about anyone in his life that he wanted me but he was scared to follow his heart….then promptly accused me of trying to force my way into his house (I knocked on the doors) and I just blocked him after that ….he called a week later from some unknown number when I had blocked on my phone …. It’s sad because I understand him ….but what I’m immune to is mind games….its been years and he has never gotten over me ….by his own admission he has tried to date but nobody makes him feel the same way I do…. The part that annoys tf out of me is that I feel the EXACT same way. But what can I do ….i love a broken man and broken men can only break people….hes been in 6 or so relationshittrs and he always reaches out and as much as i would like to just love him I can’t because he’s afraid of how much he feels for me it doesn’t feel safe because it’s something he cannot control. If he said he was sorry (truly sorry) for what he’s done and tried without the crazy making I would forgive him -I know he’s got problems and therapy has helped me see and learn how to handle some of those problems but you can’t love a guy that’s broken and blames you for everything that he has done…Da or Narc - I’m the phantom ex I’m the ghost in the darkness that haunts all the not me’s he tries to sooth himself with ….but to this day IM THE ONE HE WANTS when I agree to see him he clings to me like a child he doesn’t let go of me I pity him because he’s too afraid to get the love that he wants so it’s safer to wash rinse and repeat with people that are not what he wants because it’s safer to feel less. Sad …. We both suffered because of his issues. I had to make the choice to focus on my own oxygen mask because he wants me there AND wants to punish me for the fact that I left …. Because of his actions
Yeah mine did a 180. We had an amazing weekend together, and it really felt like we were madly in love. Then the following weekend she broke things off. Blindsided is an understatement
Me too, I distanced from my ex and he opted to ignore me, couple months later I relented and said we could be friendly because I loved him and was less triggered, still ignoring me. But not blocked. The need for control is unreal, self sabotaging, and immature. Who can build a life with someone who can’t communicate like an adult?
Good video, thx Alexis! I am currently in that stage, that you explain in the end, so from "I scared of losing you" I have reached 'I'm fed up playing games" stage. And I worked hard, so I'm a bit complacent:) Good feeling after 8 moths after break up. It's time to move on.
Its not that they want to play games… there is a trauma there …
@@museoflove8255true but Alexis said in one video if they aren’t willing to look at themselves don’t continue trying. It’s the foundation for mutual understanding
They are very insecure and when rejected their world comes crashing down and they shut down. I’ve been an avoidant anxious but my energy was extroverted out and asking for advice. They shut down
The avoidant I’d deceiving you then , get you back then push you away , enough is enough , all a one way relationship, hard work avoidants are
alexis, thank you for all your videos.....they are amazing and am very thankful that you follow your own path in self discovery, thus giving us some light into how it feels to be an avoidant and how we can behave towards them......its amazing how an avoidant can now share his own experiences in order to heal.......that means you are a true healer! no university can teach anyone about personalieties and dynamics ....its all about personal experience .......i am a therapist who is a treated borderliner hence i have success in my job when it comes to how to deal with borderline people and often with a relationship with a narcissist......you are a treated avoidant that gives us a lot of insight and you are amazing at what you do.....cause you know from experience....so a masive THANK YOU!!!
Thank you for reminding me with this video. The reasons i broke up with a DA and it empowered me to push through with my decision for no contact and reestablishing myself. I am an anxious type.
As an avoidant myself, I have rejection sensitivity big time. love your thoughtful videos.
How would u forgive your partners rejection? He reached out and put the blame on me and won't respond after saying he didn't mind I text him and is ignoring me now.
@@livingwithliv6756 I would forgive by releasing and not owning their behavior. Knowing that it has nothing to do with me. Forgiveness is only for ourselves.
I did no contact for about two months after the break up because he was texting his ex hook up fling behind my back. We met up and I was guarded but casual, he was playful and a little flirty which was cute because I’ve missed that side of him so much. But he kept saying to move on, he doesn’t want to lead me on and he almost said he’s a lot happier but stopped himself mid sentence but then tried to kiss me. I couldn’t kiss him and leaned away. So I decided this was over and I should move on. The interactions were confusing and disappointing. Why do they try to go for affection and sex, while using language of distance and boundaries?
That's the only way they feel safe with connection
@@MsNay83 please say more
@@MsNay83you saying that becoming physical will help them feel safe? Or are you saying they just want fwb situations
@greciarojas7265 sorry for missing this! They feel unsafe with normal expressions of emotion because it was unsafe and inconsistent or absent altogether in youth. So sex serves as a way to bond, albeit a shallow one because they guard against deep emotion (again, because that's unsafe).
@@Gbb93to clarify: they like to keep things surface level to stay safe. Sexual intimacy can be compartmentalized. When there are actual emotions and conflict though, it's not a safe domain and they'll bounce again. I dated an avoidant who had an on/off again relationship for several years where he kept his exes close enough so he could call on them for quick dalliances and then would message them calling them "buddy" or "friend". It's kind of grotesque.
Helpful! I lean anxious and I initiated a break up with an avoidant who I was with for over a year, this past the summer (which was huge for me) and then we saw each other and all boundaries became very blurry and caused us both stress as we weren't in a place to be together again yet acted like it. We've reset them again a month or so ago after months of interactions that were sweet in the moment but painful after the fact.. it's been hard but necessary. I feel more empowered especially when he reaches out to me and I can feel ok again with or without him, though with him is my preference. I can see him putting in lots of effort including going to counseling after we broke up. So I wait and live my life, as detached as much as possible and only see him in groups of friends and don't initiate contact. We both have strong faith and a lot in common as well as strong attraction to each other, but we shall see.
same situation here but for 2 years. we can make it
❤️
Really good video.
Don’t become collateral damage to their intransigent behaviors.
I have raised my level of expectations.
I feel good about that.
We shall see how this plays out.
Did not play out well… she’s emotionally unavailable
@OkoruwaProgress-kj5ro I would
My DA had a whirlwind romance with me ( long distance, unfortunately) for only the first 3 months and then it was on and off for 5 more months. He broke it off for good based on some “gut feeling” it seems. But he is very insistent that we stay friends. Even got very angry when I said I can’t be a friend. I still have feelings for him. I’m in NC. I’m told that a lot of DAs won’t reach out again. So should I reach out, via email perhaps, to wish a happy new year ? ( that would be after 3 weeks of NC )
Thanks for this awesome video!!
I was brought back here by a comment on a previous comment I made.
This creator is asking people to have unauthentic relationships that involve manipulative tactics to try to entice someone into a relationship, or kind of relationship they dont want to be in. One where both partners have the ability to be vulnerable and to make their partner feel secure and valued.
Yeah 8 months later i get notifications about my ex viewing my social media (not commenting however) but I've already moved into a secure relationship which is so much more satisfying than the one I had with them.
Dont stay, don't try, the avoidant is not for you and you deserve an authentic, caring, secure relationship.
Are all your videos explaining how other attachment styles can cater to the avoidant? How about helping avoidants attempt to change their attachment style and become more secure. It's the avoidants problem to solve because they are the only one that can't walk away from the problem, themselves.
the label avoidants says it all. They have no capability to self reflect or take accountability at all in general. Even when they are made cognizant to the fact that they have underlying psychological issues, their method of coping is by running away from it. Its a waste of time and energy with no guarantee or any good outcome with them.
Almost all the people who come seeking advice about attachment theory and reconnection are anxious attachers. Do not be in denial of all the many ways in which anxious attachers also sabotage relationships, so ironic that anxious people constantly complain about avoidants never engaging with their behaviours, when anxious attachers act exactly the same and never take any accountability.
@@norswil8763 The only people really blaming the anxious are the avoidants. Anxious attachers do not damage relationships to the same level as avoidants. Period. That is why avoidants have a horrible reputation even with the secure folk.
Without the knowledge of attachment theory, anxious partners just feel very clingy, insecure, and controlling. Dealing with them does not require understanding attachment theory, at all.
Many secure people come online to seek answers when its their first rodeo with an avoidant. Its not only the anxious. Anxious people seek intimacy, which is fundamental to any relationship. The fact that avoidants run from it makes them an oxymoron to what a relationship requires. All insecure attachments need work, but certainly the group of people that need it most ARE the avoidants, who ironically avoid any acountability to their issues the most, not even close. The label itself says it all. Avoidants blindside discard partners while anxious attachers just annoy and frustrate partners to the point of breakup. Secure attachers do not need to seek answers online regarding the anxious. Its pretty obvious. The avoidants come online to rationalise their behaviour by blaming and labelling others as anxious and claiming that they do the same harm to relationships. The anxious only get blamed by the avoidants, never by the secures. But the avoidants are an issue to even the secures. Simply no comparison, not even close.
@norswil8763 perhaps securely attached people are trying to figure out their avoidently attached partner to see how to work with them but then realize the avoident person requires too much emotional labour from them and so they choose to leave the avoidant partner and have fulfilling relationships with other securely attached partners. That is what happened for me. People with attachment issues throw relationships into chaos and drama. If they don't recognize they have to do the work this will be their relationship cycle for life. I hope you do the work required to find a fulfilling relationship
@@erinlundgren663 you assume I have attachment issues and I haven’t done the work. A secure person who fails with an avoidant person is just like any other failed attempt from any dynamic be it secure or insecure, because what their really failing on is communication and fulfilling the others needs - and that is what is often miss understood by all these bitter anxious or secure types. Everybody has needs and fears in a relationship, no matter if you’re secure and insecure, if you cannot meet those needs or don’t want to then you’re incompatible. What people like you do is vilify avoidants for having particular needs, many people who communicate well in their relationships smooth avoidant needs out and have a very healthy and balanced dynamic.
If you love and care for someone you’ll automatically have empathy, otherwise you’re just a bit heartless and your rejection of their needs overuses any need to work with them. If avoidant leaning people know their partners are attuned and understanding they won’t deactivate, they may not express avoidant behaviours because they’re not triggered - I dated a DA for many years before any hint of her avoidance surfaced, because the dynamic was secure.
I can't go no contact. We live together and no one can afford to move.
I suggested he move and man oh man he shut down hard. Ya DA's don't handle rejection well.
Being an FA leaning secure it's hard to know if I should stay or if I should give up just yet.
I feel like if i do the "friends" thing I'll be sitting here longing while he doesn't have to do anything cause he gets what he wants. So effing confusing cause I also don't want to push him away. I'm not a fan of manipulation. I guess not everyone can just get to good right away though either. So frustrating.
Just move on. You’re setting yourself up for a toxic relationship. You’ll resent it
This was big.. hard, but Thank you!! ♥️ I loved: fight for me and not flight..
Thank you Alexis, the boundaries slide was super helpful!
I didn't know I was activating him to shut down We had have a beautiful time together then followed by him completely shutting down and not being affectionate or even looking me in the eye .I thought he was cheating on me It's been really hard because he is a very lovable person
For me, this is one of the best videos. So helpful!! Thank you, Alexis! Merci beaucoup! Greetings from Strasbourg. I really love your videos and inputs!
Your analysis is profound,thorough & extremely enlightening.
Congratulations!!!
Their needs = space, but it doesn't mean they dont care..... for me it is more like grey rocking/shut down so they dont have to go there. I said we need to get counseling, not interested. I told him by choosing to leave the issues we have and not even talk about it together, you choose to leave me - this is killing me on the inside.... i got ah huh. He getting his space he needs now by defult - cos im dead on the inside. Im out 😭😭😭
I know im part the problem...
Thnx i am an FA and i was in relationships with avoidant, by watching your videos i could reach out with her after doing no contact for 3 months
so much for being yourself lol!
Can you do a video of a fearful in a rebound please 🙏🏻
Are excellent lecture. This was extremely helpful.
Very helpful video! Thank you Alexis!
I divorced my ex husband because I was not willing to take him back after a rebound relationship. The relationship failed after a few years.
How do Dismissive Avoidant men handle being dumped/broken up with? Because that's kind of a different scenario than simply turning down their effort to reconnect after dumping you.
This video was extremely helpful. Thank you
Recently she posted via socials how hard the breakup was for her despite her initiating it two months ago. Any kind of contact even two months later for her is too painful. There was no infidelity and hardly any hard times up until breakup which was something very triggering for her when I said she might enjoy attention from other men.
Alexis, hi from NC, USA. My Dismissive avoidant left after 23 years and 3 children. My wife had signs of midlife crisis (depression/anxiety) on top of everything. I am in smart contact and no pushing since day one. My question is how does the midlife crisis affect my dismissive avoid-ants ability to reconcile? What are things I should consider and do to increase our chances for reconciliation and healing for our children and us. Thanks for your time and any advice.
Excellent video! Very helpful! Thank you!
I called him out on his bad behaviour and how he was treating me and making me feel .
Then 3 days later i get a dump text
Powerful input.. thank you!
Question, my DA is considering another chance with me. He reached out to me after no contact. I am being more patient, I am being less clingy, how often should I be checking in? I’m texting every two or three days and he is reciprocating (most times) I am keeping it light in texts. (No feelings talk) how often do I suggest seeing each other? Every two weeks?
But what if they are a cover narcissist who just want to collect exes and breadcrumb?
hey alexis, avoidant ex reched out 2 months after no contact via whatsapp, we had a little chat a few days ago just about whats going on briefly. she told me she misses me sometimes but its bearable. i am doing my work and she seems to do well too. but what should i do now, initiate contact again or wait if she reaches out again (maybe?)
You go no contact for good unless they demonstrate that they’ve radically transformed
This was very helpful!
Is it normal behavior for a avoidant to project?
Excellent video, thank you.
You're welcome.
I have an avoidant ex been broke up 6 weeks but he keeps reaching out we even met up but avoided the conversation of getting back together (shockingly lol ) I’m trying to go no contact but keep getting message wonting to know how I’m doing so going no contact seems impossible if I ignore my ex will he take that as rejection and stop reaching out witch of cause I don’t won’t as I’m trying to get back together but will not discuss this possibility just seem he wonts to keep me on the hook any advise would be amazing .
Am also dealing with an avoidant girlfriend she's though to deal with but
I still love her and am an anxious attachment style
But I'll upgrade to secure attachment
I am grateful
My avoidant ex said he miss me and ask me if I was happy when I was with him
He express that he miss me and asked If I was happy when I was with him.what does this mean Sir?
My ex ( 1 month breakup after 2 years) sent me an email that her entire life has fallen apart. She's lost her job, had a herpes flareup, contracted MITES and an auto-immune illness, and is about to be evicted from her apartment. She says " maybe the universe is trying to teach me something." I'm about to send her an email pointing all her atrocious behavior - and that, indeed, the universe is causing her to reap what she's sown. I'm LIVID. She deserves to hear the truth from someone who has experienced all of her mistreatment and loved her for two years and treated her like a Queen. Funny irony? Her last boyfriend and her ex-husband are narcissists. Yet she is not very different from them, from what I can see.
Alexis, what does it mean when an avoidant comes back in the picture when he's in a relationship with someone else (not a rebound I guess, they have been together for almost 2 years now). He wanted to meet up, told me he wanted the connection back, wanted to be friends, he was sorry and didn't know what he wanted and hoped all could be ok again. I told him I also still wanted to resolve the situation but it was too difficult for me to start meeting again as he's in another relationship (even though I still have feelings after all this time). In the end after bumping into him and his girlfriend on a hobby spot we both go to and where we had met, I got ghosted again. I also was ghosted/broken up via text three years before and I did display anxious behavior so we never even spoke to resolve. There's again no contact for months now
Don't waste your time on him. Its not worth it.
I really ask myself how so many people let them be disrespected like this.. Its really sad to see. One life to live, so many beautiful souls to meet and you clinge onto one thats is broken.
If I can suggest you, please work on your self concept and start telling yourself affirmations in the mirror. Its the first step to free yourself from this situation.
This is one-sided, focused on the pov of selfish avoidant and not on the great HURT they cause others. Avoidants should date each other bc they cause great harm to others.
Mine is a dismissive avoidant 😢And he blocked off of everything because he is not affectionate no hug no kiss. So I told him that I don’t want that type relationship 😢 other than that I love him and miss him and it’s been a month now. So when do I contact him?
Thank you ❤
He ghosted me! He told me he wanted more with me and that he wanted to make me his. I wanted the same thing, but instead i avoided him out of my own fears and insecurities. Then he ghosted me!😢 how can i get him back? We were only in dating stage
Long Distant relationship for 1 year - text mostly and then visit 3 weeks at a time. I’m very independent and like being alone but a big communicator and he’s not. He seems to be avoidant - never talks about his thoughts or feelings about me. He sends me funny memes and keeps in constant touch. He says he doesn’t talk about emotions - take it or leave it. We don’t have much of a sex life but I’m satisfied because hes a good person. I would like more from him but I doubt he can do it. Am I wasting my time?
If you love each other and he's willing to change and open up, then you're not wasting your time.
As far as I understand, an avoidant pattern establish good relationship with secure partner.
Most of the time yes.
Do u have any data to back this up?
Freudian slip with flight/fight typo haha spot the avoidant....
All this advice gets thrown out the window, lighten up and burned , when your ex dumped you and started dating 1 month after, while posting on social media that shes happy. Obviously she confused in life, but the social pressure of delivering her new “happy” relationship to friends and family hinders her from taking action.
at least 6 weeks of no cotact?! 😢 how do i do that if he keeps reaching out as a "friend"?
Don't answer unless it is a significant message with self reflection
You tell him clearly that you have boundaries and are focused on improving your life.
I was fine for a month ; he has all avoidant behaviour 😢
This is a joke, right?
Why?
you’re a joke.
@BryBee4
1 second ago
Love
is about actions -and avoidants act selfishly
Only caring about their feelings - always
They create anxiousness in secure people
That is not love - Sowalk away instead of walking on eggshells to try and love anyone who walks away without guilt when you want and deserve the same.
Can an avoindant person heal with psycotherapy?
Can an avoindant heal through therapy?
They can learn healthy coping mecanisms, but they will never become securely attached.