Not everyone is anxious attachment just bc they respond anxiously to an avoidant: a secure person will become anxious when with an avoidant bc that’s a normal reaction to being lied to and pushed away.
I think I would agree with this 100%. Even you are showing signs of anxious when the partner is secure you as anxious will be more of a secure. But with avoidant you will show all you anxiety.
I appreciate reading this. All of the quizzes I take say I'm secure, but I react more anxiously when a lover pulls away. Is it anxious of me to ask "what's going on?" when he starts pulling away. My husband (yes, I'm in an open marriage) is anxiously attached to me which makes me avoidant of him. (We have learned to balance more lately.) I would like to learn more if secure ppl can get sucked into a push pull with different styles. Or if ppl can be different styles w different partners.
I’ve reached a point, where I just don’t think it’s worth it anymore. Most people in these comments (like me) are anxious attached trying to desperately understand someone who doesn’t understand themselves. I’m not vilifying avoidants, but for me, the more I work on understanding my OWN attachment style and becoming secure, the more I get turned off by someone who isn’t doing the same. I know that finding someone completely secure is difficult, particularly as you don’t know someone’s style until you get to know them, but for me, the key things I’m looking for in someone now, are self awareness and a desire to improve regardless of their attachment style. Avoidants and anxious individuals are addicted to each other and sometimes (subconsciously) we’re attracted to them BECAUSE they’re avoidant (we don’t feel we are good enough so we are drawn to people who make us ‘work’ for their love or our parents were emotionally unavailable and we are drawn to the familiar) so for me, understanding my own feelings and reasons behind why I’m attracted to who I’m attracted to, has helped me on my own healing journey and ultimately made me less attracted to emotionally unavailable people.
I'm in the same situation right now and it's safe to say that I'm done ! Not anymore wanting and waiting; let people meet me where I am. I sent a voice note of a closure and I'm as much as I still love my sp, I can't anymore. I'm out
Good luck, sounds like you have some clarity on this. More than me, I fear that my partner and I both have fearful avoidant and anxious and they are interchangeable!
I get you. It feels too much like playing games. At this point, if I manage to detach, it’ll be for my own well-being, so if this is what attracts him back, he might be out of luck. Avoidants gotta learn to meet us half-way. It can’t be all us. Take a leap of faith. We’re not baby-sitters. And no matter how secure I am with other people in my life, with him I can fall into the same anxiety, especially because I can feel what a wreck he is. I’m tired. If it’s meant to happen, he’ll make it happen - before I detach for good.
I don’t even think it’s about anxious attachment tbh. I was like that but I had healed. Being with an avoidant actually opened up those old wounds. To me, avoidant is abusive behaviour. When you compare to narcissism, the impact of their conduct creates the same results. Needing space is the same as “silent treatment”. Walking on eggshells and scared to talk about the future is as bad as being future faked. To me, this whole anxious / avoidant dynamic is a way to justify what is a controlling relationship-one in which the victim is unable to speak up because they are convinced the man is terrified of adult emotions
@@cassandratarotspells369 it’s very easy for people to invalidate our healing just because we can fall back into old patterns with an avoidant. It’s very frustrating, because I’ve handled every new situation differently for years. We also gotta consider that we can FEEL that something is wrong before we have reason to know it, so we act accordingly. Turns out, I’ve never been anxious for no reason. It was always my intuition.
I don't believe in trying to win back anyone who walked away from me. I've done it but now I've grown to value my time, values, and heart more. The right person will never leave you.
It's not worth it. A long time ago an avoidant ghosted me. I was completely crushed - this coming from someone who was secure. However, as I healed, I actually became stronger and more secure. I met my husband (secure) and it was a world of difference. No avoidants for me.
It doesn’t matter what you do either, the smallest thing will set them off. I invited him over for dinner- he agreed and said he was looking forward to it- then stood me up and ghosted for 3 weeks. He later told me the dinner part scared him; I was like “ bro, it was nothing, I was just cooking dinner for us on a Saturday night at my house to watch movies”- I realized then this can’t work because I have no idea what the next thing that will set him off again
I became secure, we reconnected over text, he said he never stopped loving me, he called me multiple times a day, wanted to meet. But then he ghosted. After a few days he admitted he got scared and panicked. Which is a major thing for him to admit. We had a beautiful conversation. We will part ways for now. But I am very tired to be honest.
Thanks for sharing this. He is responsible for his own growth and needs to overcome his fears. You have every right to be tired. If he doesn't understand you are serious about your own growth (i.e. I know what I want) then he will lose you. And you will be better of (which is obviously not how you feel right now)
@@AlexisFriedlander you reply to your subs. IS THIS A REAL SUB. OR. ARE YOU FUCKING FAKING IT .. U BETTER BE REAL. ITS GOOD TO SAY HI TO SUBS. IF I HAD 10 SUBS. ID CHANGE THE WORD I WOULD EMPOWER THEM FOR THE BENEFIT OF MANKIND
I'm a loving compashionate man in late 40's. After 2 years of trying really hard to help my FA girlfriend (she's younger 7 years), I'm done. A lot of effort on my side and none on hers. Meeting every week or two weeks (she was always busy and never had the time for me). Never got to meet her family, never been hugged, cuddled, intimacy close to never (I always had to initiate all, I never felt being truly wanted). She made me feel worthless and completely unimportant. I have a safe attachment style but enough is enough. I'm bailing out to save myself and not to go crazy. Just had a fight with her a few days ago where I spilled out all my sorrows and since then went no contact and hope she will never contact me again. I'm mentally exhausted. Never again, if you see a FA run for your life.
Hang in there. This is typical behaviour, but you deserve a person who tries. There's many good women out there, who will accept your vulnerabilities & efforts
The person I loved most was avoidant. Still love him after two years. It’s crazy. Just seemed like the best fit relationship. All I know now is I need to allow god to guide me, not doing these things and allowing myself to be hurt.
Going through the same thing.. I don't know how to handle it because it seems so hard to detach my heart from him, since we had something so unique and amazing. First time he left me was 2 1/2 years ago, half a year ago he came back to me and wanted a future together, now he left again. It hurts so much, and I have too many different emotions co-existing inside of me all at the same time... All I can do is pray for guidance from God. May we find peace
The best way to deal with avoidants is to completely ghost them. Sometimes they’re avoiding you because they’re genuinely not interested not because they have issues lol.
This was a really good video, and I love the re-assurance you provide throughout it. I like the idea of mirroring their behaviour, whilst working on becoming more secure and. I've certainly found the process to be really hard on my body and mind as I fight against insticts and feelings. I would love a video guide or resources that would help with the limbo between grief of losing them and keeping up the belief of them returning. I've felt powerless as my ex has requested space, and all I feel I can do is grant that wish despite obviously wanting to communicate, work trowards re-connecting. I'm at a point currently where I feel this limbo of moving on and hope only pro-longes the grief. Again thoughts, advice and resources would be very helpful
Simply follow Alexis advice and work on yourself. Positive thoughts and patterns heal the soul and the pain. But in my book its OK to want what was good back. Its human instinct. But follow his advice and you will feel better anyway.
Hi! how are you right now? any updates on your situation? I experience somewhat similar with you but in longer time. They sometimes use indirect communication, whenever I reached out, I got nothing and it hurts
Narcs usually FA, broken people, childhood abuse. It's sad and not always recognizable to empathic people who understand their pain and are drawn in to try heal them.
@@ashton1952 Most of your narcs and psychopaths are actually DA. The FAs I know and dated have had literally the most empathy I’ve ever seen. You’re right about trauma but both avoidants have had a lot of trauma but that doesn’t mean they’re a narcissist. Many FAs & DAs come here looking to heal and find answers, narcissists don’t do that
I just think it’s perhaps not worth all this work. It’s so hurtful for the avoidant person to just disappear, and it removes the trust that they will be there for you in serious situations
@@jlynnmenzel ultimately, men like this aren’t worth the emotional investment. I would want a fully formed man who is capable of taking care of me. Not a middle-aged kidult who is scared to grow up. I never dated someone like this before, and honestly my experience with an avoidant completely broke me and has left me unable to trust or open up to anyone.. avoidants are like infectious diseases. The way they treat you makes you scared to open up and commit to someone new. Terrible experience and I highly recommend women run for the hills when they see the red flags
This is what just ruined a potential relationship for me- he ghosted me randomly for no reason- no contact for 3 weeks. We recently reconnected but I have way too much anxiety now to continue, everytime I text him I panic because I don’t know if he’ll ghost, every date I panic wondering if he’ll stand me up- I can’t live like this and there’s no trust so this is over
@@jenbodhi1133 I can totally understand.. if you wasn’t an anxious attacher, you would become one. Honestly I feel it’s so abusive, the behaviour is so toxic
So I suppress my needs and boundaries to make them feel safe to get them back and self abandon aka people please them and give up my feelings of saftey...sounds like eggshells and hard work if they have no awareness of themselves and are meeting you part way. I tried and one foot wrong they withdraw. 😢
Facts they wouldn’t put you in a situation to loose them or at least communicate.People go after things they truly want and will even fight for it if they think your special but some just see you as a option
I did exactly this and he started to come back, then ended up in a rebound. I continue to keep my distance but he continues to initiate conversations with me. He recently asked me out for coffee or drinks but when our schedules didn’t align, he said “we have to get together”, then pulled back again. He also Facebook messaged me after midnight while he was at a wedding asking me how my weekend was. I didn’t respond until the next day, but then he continued the conversation with me. Additionally, he was the 1st person to reach out to me on my birthday 3 weeks ago (at 7 am) and I did not wish him a Happy Birthday. It’s absolutely exhausting! The rebound is a downgrade from me and he moved her into his apartment 2.5 months after they met. She doesn’t appear to know anything about me. He has flirted with me throughout their entire relationship, but I do nothing to coax his ego. I was quite secure during our 2 yr relationship and he broke up with me 2x out of the blue. Both times, I’ve conducted myself as a mature adult and gone no contact. I let him initiate everything.
Actually, he vacillates between anxious and avoidant. Would’ve thought he was anxious at the beginning of the relationship, but then he would occasionally pulled back. When we discussed attachment styles and he asked what avoidant was, he said, “isn’t that all men?” He then admitted that it was often easier to just not deal with emotions and “stuff” them down. Both breakups were out of the blue and then he suddenly seemed confused and regretful both times. No definitive explanation for the breakup either time. He is divorced, wife walked out on him after 1.5 yrs of marriage and then became a lesbian….
@@NMTDelightfulMusicless than 1% of the population are true narcs. Most likely, ppl are mixes of different trauma/attachment styles with perhaps other disorders
My DA was texting other guys throughout the relationship, one foot always outside the door, keeping her options open. If she reaches out it will be years after she goes through a number of guys and finally realises it was special.
I'm not sure if my ex was DA, I feel like it was a similar situation though. I knew he still had some contact with his previous ex, so even though he never said, I think he left me to reconcile with her. She sounded toxic, but he seems to be brainwashed into believing her way of seeing things (ex. "I'm yours and you are mind" = possessiveness and jealousy isn't natural) because of "therapy". I'm sure he'll never reach out unless it's to assuage his own future guilt.
@DFRetha yeah mine idolised her ex bf. But she sabotaged it by cheating on him. And definitely got defensive if I mentioned it's inappropriate to send selfies to other guys the way she did.
@zoltszolts5632 I'm sorry you had to experience that. If she was a cheater and continued that kind of behaviour, you are lucky you aren't involved anymore. People like that will either learn their lesson too late (the damage was already done and you have moved on) or they just never will. At least you expressed your feelings though. In my case, my ex originally said that I was better than his previous relationship - confident, mature, not forcing him to break himself mentally for me - but he freely mentioned her when he could have phrased it otherwise (ex. Instead of saying he'd purchased a print and couldn't find the artist when he wanted another one, he seemed to feel it necessary to mention that he'd purchased the original prints for his ex). Once he even had the audacity to recommend that a friend of mine see his ex for therapy. He told me once she came to visit a pet they'd once shared and I wasn't comfortable with it. Now, I think I should have said so and found out earlier whether he would choose her or me. I kept my mouth shut though because I thought it wasn't my place to say who he could hang out with and I should try and trust him. Honestly, I only knew of one time, and a rodent isn't the kind of pet that warrants frequent visits. I'm sure he was in more contact with her than I knew, and even if he wasn't cheating physically, I just feel like the contact led him to reconsider the relationship we had. It's hard to compare 8 months with 5.5 years (even if she was, imo, toxic)
My wife did that with her family who was abusive to her and were never there for her. I thought, one day she will learn to love me and show it. I thought even some arranged marriages work out great. Ours wasn't arranged. 😂😂 Sheesh. What a shit show.
I can get my avoidant partner back by running away. And that infuriates me. I shouldn’t have to threaten our relationship to get their attention! I separated for a bit and was quickly overwhelmed by the seductive manner in which my partner was suddenly willing to move heaven and earth just to be near me. But the minute I show that I can be relied upon and trusted, their focus immediately shifts back onto other subjects. I’m frustrated by the inability to get my partner to be willing to work on improving our relationship unless I’m dangling the threat of leaving over them.
"Don't assume that they always do things to hurt you!" Guilty as charged. I love him with my whole heart. But I was always so defensive, which he would kindly remind me of. He wasn't out to get me.
At least they talked to you it’s been 5-6 years of push and pull constantly.We must of really got close this last time cause this is the longest without any communication it’s been a month he wants nothing to do with me if I go to his house he want answer the door he hides in his depression & looks at me like I’m the most horrible person in the world. I guess it’s really over this time I really don’t know
Nobody asked for that to happen and you don't know until you know. We're all just trying our best in life to do the best with what we've got. Judgement doesn't help anyone or anything.
You want them to come back because being DA or FA is not all there is to them. You have wonderful times together and profound feelings of rich connection with them. You know that they are so very lovable and worthy of being loved, too, but you also see them engage in an internal struggle to trust their feelings, and when they retreat you instinctively get what's going on. This, for me, stirs tremendous empathy and a desire to be there for them. You can walk away from a fallen bird with a broken wing because it's "too much trouble", or maybe on the other hand you're the type of person for whom caring and patience is not too much trouble, because you can see the bird's wholeness and are willing to give it the time, space and structure to mend and be able to fly. People are built different. I notice my love tends to flow where it's needed, and I honor the wisdom of the current.
This is wonderful to know how an avoidant sees us anxious. You made me see the beauty in this connection cause I love my avoidant man and I will remember he does too, even in his own way. Thank you for making this 🙏🏼
Why would anyone want an avoidant back? Unless the avoidant is aware of their "damage", it's just going to go back to what caused the break up in the first place. They have major trauma and they need to heal themselves... they may never heal themselves unfortunately. It's best to move on... find someone else who isn't avoidant and is healthier in their relationship style.
i dont get why ppl keep saying the avoidant LIES??? mine didnt, he was flat out telling me he was emotionally unavailable and unable to give me love fully, and i stayed like a fool.
Yah .. this is where Im at in our connection...with giving him plennnnty of space. And at times I think it's good for both of us and at other times I'm not happy about tha avoidant style. For me, I feel the more we heal our childhood trauma, the more secure we become.
So my biggest accomplishment was healing my anxious/fearful avoidant attachment style, but now “my” DA sabotaged it. We had a year of me being healed, without ME sabotaging it. One day we were telling stories about when we were kids, then the next he made himself look superior because I didn’t answer a question about a country to his liking. On a good day we would of had a conversation about it and he probably would have taught me some interesting facts. But that’s not what happened. He had to test me so that he could find a reason to not like me anymore. Since I’m more healed than I’ve ever been, I brought it to his attention. He hasn’t replied since, which is okay. I haven’t either. The old me would have chased him. Once you are healed you can see the deactivating switch like it was flashing in your face. I’ve never been in this situation before. I used to add to the problem.
This is my situation too. we are both FA but he is more avoidant and he doesn't know that he is FA. he had to create something to be able to walk away from the relationship. my super power is turning off my feelings...so since I'm giving up on him, I'm just numb now. I can't reach out to him. I tried it before and it was destroying me. But he is too prideful to fix it so we are done.
I always enjoy what you share on here, but we are not friend yet, I’ve tried several times sending you a friend request, but it wasn’t going through, I will be so glad if you send me a friend request I’m sorry if you find this embarrassing.hoping to hear from you.
That push pull effect drove me to insanity, he hated compliments, being asked how he felt and I was not allowed to ask if he was tired. I was discarded 6 months ago after being together 25 years. He still reaches out, I recently text to ask if he missed me at all and was told of course I do, you were a big part of my life. That’s an understatement considering that’s the longest we’ve ever been apart.
I was discarded after 13 years together. We have been apart for 4 months and he says he hasnt missed me. He cares for me respects for me but doesn’t love me anymore.
@@sandrawright8109 I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s devastating and seriously cruel to be discarded after years of trust and loyalty and it’s the hardest recovery journey ever but it definitely gets easier and that immense internal pain and heartache will lessen for you and one day you’ll no longer feel it, it’s exhilarating when that happens, but for me personally I still miss him, but I know it’s the trauma bond at play. It’s absolutely awful that you lost your house, I hope you manage to get back on your feet. I’m doing better but I still have times where I’m suffering mentally. I’m hoping that gets easier too. Good luck for your future, I wish you all the best.
Wow. I didn't know what "avoidant" means and I thought I'd check it out. And Boom! You were talking about my ex and yes, I'm bubbly anxious and everything you are saying in your video! Yes, I think I scared him by saying I'm not going to let go, I'm not going to leave him, don't be afraid. And of course I meant it. Thank you for talking about us. Now I understand more.
Listening to all these videos is interesting, quite a bìt might ring bells with people in their lives and relationships. But please realise that none of this is exact science, it is opinions and idea's. Human beings do not fit in boxes and reasons for things and behaviour can be so varied and so great, no modern tag will fit. Good luck and be happy.
He may be avoidant, but he dumped me because he only saw me as sexually attractive. Mission accomplished, immediately threw the not interested in a relationship (as if I ever said I was), gone.
I wish I had seen this two months ago. I managed to balance the freedom aspect with my avoidant ex very well in the beginning, we started as friends, I went with the flow. But after we started being more intimate and romantic, hit that high but then she shut down and disconnected. Instead of mirroring I stuck close and things went downhill from there. I miss her very much, she's fully blocked me. It's been 60 days.
He's telling you to become secure, but once you become secure you'll recognizing what a big waste of time these people are. You'll spend your entire relationship coddling them like a little toddler and compromising your own human needs which they'll never meet. Don't waste your time, energy, and extraordinary value here. They're not worth it.
This is what I realized, I have been single for a couple years after toxic relationships- this was my first attempt at dating again and though the experience was really unpleasant, I realized how secure I’ve become- he ended things twice now and both times I was like “ ok, i respect your decision “ and then went no Contact. I’m proud of myself and there will be no third time with this because I see the pattern now
Just like my partner I will bet their past is full of toxic relationships. I felt sorry and then become a victim of "being too good" for her. I never even thought about "being too good" as I was just enjoying the time.
The whole "get him to talk to you" part is unhelpful. How? He has ghosted me and won't respond to my texts after being in a relationship for over 1.5 yrs. How am i supposed to do this??
My ex DA wasn't narcissistic at all. He was giving, thoughtful and caring with no evil intent or manipulation., He had childhood trauma and had fear of closeness & abandonment. He admitted that relationships were difficult for him.
@@ashton1952 it’s been months since I watched anyone these I’m past this point … I forgot why I said it but I know I don’t make bad statements so I’m sure it was ok. I think I was saying what’s wrong with avoidants. I was with one and she broke my heart after four years. Pulled the carpet out from under me a… but it’s past I’ve moved on and yet talk to her weekly …. F her if she doesn’t want me I don’t need or want her … we all need to heal and move on
My avoidant ex is also unfortunately a people-pleaser, so when she reaches out to me I’m never sure if she’s doing it because she really wants to or if it’s because she just knows she hurt me and feels guilty / just checking on me.
When I left....he said something that maeby will change something for him in the future.....he said....I Am to egoistic to be in a relation....I asked....how come you think that? He answered....because all women always left me. I am happy now and I hope he will be too . I never want such a relationship again
My avoidant ex girlfriend who refused to talk after break up, only got more disrespectful and gaslighting over the years, while i have always been respectful and to her and never pushed her or invaded her privacy
It's a crazy train. Avoidants need to mature emotionally and learn how to process that good things can and do still happen. Living in fear, projecting, sabotaging, gas lighting, using sex as a tool, etc. It's just too much.
Guys, he was doing EVERYTHING for me, he put so much effort I met everyone in his circle they all loved me and us together. He was so content with my acceptance from his family.He told me he loved me and would do anythi8ng for me, he even said I am the one. 4 months in, things got very serious with my family, my parents and brothers put pressure on the topic of engagement and commitment. They gave him a timeline but I told him lets talk about this because I dont care to rush into marriage right now. He broke up with me that evening after talking to my family without even discussing his concerns with me, and just said culture difference would make it too hard, and he doesnt want this serious and to be forced into engagement by a certain time. I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH HIM, but he didnt give me a chance to properly discuss this with him. Its been a week since we broke up, but only 2 days since no contact. I know he genuinely loved me, we also agreed early on that we date for marriage, we agreed sex after marriage, we are both conservative, Catholic, religious, both have same values and humour. So I am genuinely confused as to why he broke up. Can someone give some input?
I just want to say that I appreciate your insight and explanations of this attachment style, especially being a male psychologist, who also has the same attachment style. Thank you!
Thank you, also very nice to listen to your French accent, Monsieur ! ;-) But not really sure if i want Her back haha... if there's still a mutual karma She will be back anyway. These kind of videos help , donc merci quand meme, Alexis ! Salutations de Pologne.
My avoidant ex and I still live together (because off finances). Although we still love each other, we decieded to put a hold on the relationship until we get control of this push and pull energy and while him and I both are working towards secure. Still feeling the push and pull though 😓 it's a bit too much. Want it more balanced.
Who cares? Everyone has baggage and previous trauma. Not our job to fix the avoidant. They continuously push our boundaries having no respect. If this is how they want to leave fine, but they are making our lives miserable. We deserve better
Hi Alexis!! You do a great job and I find your videos amazing!!! Keep on!! May I ask,if rejecting our avoidant ex ( if they reach out to us) would make them come back much more easily....many thanks in advance!!!.....greetings from Greece 🇬🇷!!!!
@@AlexisFriedlander And let me ask one more question.....Given the fact that I'll maybe reject my avoidant ex,I wonder if THEY should prove that they are the right person for us!!!!!! What's your opinion??? Thanks again!
My FA plays horrible on my AA style and it makes mw spiral. Just when I feel we are getting to an agreed upon place he throws me foe a loop with something to sabotage the connection and trigger me. Im sadly at almost a year Ill have to walk away
How can’t you truly trust and bond with someone that just up and discards you? You can read the handbook on them but inevitably you’ll do something to trigger them and off they go again!! How can you truly bond ?
I feel like my working on myself and becoming more secure had the opposite effect. He got mot distant and just assumed that since I was becoming more secure he had the green light to be distant and dismissive and I would be fine. He just assumed I wouldn’t need him and we just drifted further apart.
I was in 8 month relationship with an avoidant and he introduced me to his children made future plans with me and we finally had sex twice and exactly a week later he blocked me on everything to talk to him. But didn’t block me on YT or Instagram. He blocked me because a “friend” lied to him and started drama and I was the one who got blamed. I found out he is talking positive about me to a mutual friend. Will he come back? He is blaming me for someone else’s behaviors and actions. I was honest with him. I am so confused it’s been over a month of no contact.
It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, they’ll find a lm excuse to ghost you and end things again, I recently got ghosted because I suggested dinner at my house and he got scared-- this is ridiculous and you can’t win, they’ll look for reasons to end it even no reason exists
It's all a bunch of games. If you're going to be in a grown-ass relationship come healed don't expect somebody else to do all this shit for you come healed decide what you want be an adult or go on and leave people alone
Alexis thanks. You are so right but what I don't understand is why my DA keeps coming back to me. She knows I have deep feelings for her and she can't seem to understand that they don't go away just because she goes through her avoidal episodes. But I don't play the push and pull game. I honestly don't know how. She even went to the point to tell me as if I didn't notice that she was avoiding me. I said I know but it if you want to hide away and avoid me then go ahead. Life is too short to chase anyone. It seems to drive her crazy that I cannot react to her moments. What am I suppose to do? I can't react to what doesn't make sense. I told her all I ask is for some communication when she drifts into nowhereville. She and I both know how good our relationship has been for over two years. I can stand on the strength of the relationship but she just thinks it can go poof overnight. Solid relationships do not go poof overnight. It is so weird that the more I got to know her the more I see her point of view, but it is a fantasy point of view. Two years of seeing each other after 5 years of knowing each other as friends. We have such a good time doing everyday normal boring stuff. Will she ever just relax?
I have been there for over 4 years going nearly on 5! It is a deep pain and it's emotional abuse! They don't understand or they do and just can't stop sabotaging the relationship!
It is emotional abuse it’s bullshit. Complete bullshit they know exactly what they are doing and bottom line they are hurting you on purpose, manipulating you and deceiving you basically backstabbing you too. I can’t believe we have made this hurtful behavior ok it’s ok to hurt people and break their hearts over and over and over meanwhile while she’s heartbroken I’ll just go sleep with the ex for a little while until I make her a ex again then go back to her and let’s see I’ll leave when she is really really hooked this time. Oh and go back to the ex.what is wrong with us it’s not ok to do this people. Stop then tell them to hit the road and if they go seek help and actually change then maybe talk my god your not a doormat I don’t care if this is a disorder or not. It’s wrong and they know they are wrong they just don’t care enough about you to stay they walk away and come back just to walk away again and again and again your an option if they can’t love truly love then they are all Satans army sad but true
Seriously, just DON’T. It will only lead you to a dead road where you will be mad at yourself for putting SO MUCH WORK onto something that is ABUSIVE TO YOU. Get it?
I got it yes, I recently started dating a guy behaving like this, thankfully I’m reading all the comments here and I’m out of this relationship, it’s been a nightmare and it’s only been 3 months
I was engaged almost 5 years relationship with an avoidant then at first i was the one who broke up 1 week after i talked to him its like the table turn and i was wondering if we have a chance to get back i am in no contact for 1 month
I think its too late for me. I broke down and told him how upset i am. He hasn't contacted me.after 17 years together he wanted me to leave. Im homeless now. Dont know what to do
You described the dynamic perfectly. He just ended it when after 2 years I asked for a commitment (we've been long distance which is why it took so long for me to ask). He told me he loves and cares for me, is crazy attracted to me, that I'm the most beautiful person, that he loves being loved by me but that he just doesn't feel the feelings he'd need to feel to take this to the next level.
@@AlexisFriedlander thank you so much. I know it is. And I’m not just saying that to make myself feel better. He told me he wanted to love me because I’m so amazing but that he just can’t feel the feelings. Thank you for your videos - they really helped me along the way.
I was/am avoidant shy, my ex is/was anxious. I was afraid to commit and show my feelings. She left with another guy. It's been a year now she's been through a couple of rebounds, reaching out, but not suggested getting together, which I "unfortunately" have done too much. I'm not sure how to proceed, when I stopped responding she opened more up, lately we had a long conversation which felt good. For now I'm mainly trying to focus more in on making my life complete to the point where I may invite someone new. However I miss her a lot. Any suggestion?
I have an anxious Avoidant partner of two years. She is also passive goes along with directions and lets things happen to her. She went bike riding on a three day, two night stay over with another man, before I met her. They stayed together two nights, she told me she did not have sex with him, but slept in the same double bed. I know she only need to be started on by someone and she will roll over and let the man do what they want. When she was in the sixth year of her marriage, her husband asked her to sleep with his best man of their marriage, she did what her husband asked of her. The best man and husband went to bed with her, The best man had sex with her, then the husband, the husband told her the best man of the weddind was going through a hard time as his finance broke off their engagment and he was very depressed, so having sex with him would help him, she said she did because she loved her husband and believed he would never do anything to hurt her....
I always enjoy what you share on Facebook , but we are not friend yet, I’ve tried several times sending you a friend request, but it wasn’t going through, I will be so glad if you send me a friend request I’m sorry if you find this embarrassing.hoping to hear from you.
Don't reciprocate the issue back. That is what he wants. Unblock him and tell him that I will keep my distance if I decide to not him. Alexis's point of view is spot on. Live your life the way you want it and don't let someone else make your decisions for you.
@@jenbodhi1133 okay thank you. They did end up getting upset at me for it🤣🤣🤣 It works but not always for the reason you wish it did. He texted me and asked me why I was ignoring him even though he was the one ignoring me
Hi thank you for this video, I have been going through the push pull with my avoidant ex for 5years. I have son but not with him i was a mum at the time of us first meeting. he has always decided that he wants to leave and saying he can’t commit. in july he told me chose me etc and we would make it work but broke up with me 2 weeks ago became he said I am mum and he wants his own family. This was triggered by me saying i feel he doesn’t appreciate me at times and takes me for granted 1 week prior. I never knew about attachment styles before this but I am anxious avoidant, he has an amazing relationship with my son but he said when breaking up he wants his own family and he feels like he has done a lot of damage with the pushing and pulling. Now im swat and done all this research regarding attachments I want him back it will be different. If I follow your methods do you think i have a chance? please do respond
You said to let them lead the conversation. So what if they messed up and did something stupid. When they come back do you allow the chit chat or do you insist on talking about the issues?
In my experience they’ll ghost you again if you try to hold them to any accountability about anything- you have to accept everything, forgive everything, not bring anything up ever, don’t expect apologies for anything or you’ll get ghosted again
Why would you want people , who run round any bed anytime back in the first place ?. To look after them and once they get tve attention start all over again . No thanks , i am not his mama .
The thing i dont like , its that WHY is there so many videos on avoidant and how WE NEED to make them safe , why are they not trying harder to make US feel safe …. How to end that cycle where WE NEED to make the effort ? Because for me , if we NEED to mirror them , and LET THEM space , its still not an equal relationship since OUR NEEDS are not met ….
I am working on a website specifically designed for avoidants sharing my personal journey and helping them to be aware of their insecurities (stay tuned)
@@AlexisFriedlander do you do couple therapy sessions also when we are back togheter to help us navigate throughout our different attachment style and how to understand each other better to not be in a breakup position again because of our different communication style
i have this problem, been seperated for two times now. we have kids, I'm don't think that just switching partners is a solution. but to actually find a problem and then create a solution. Yes she has this type of coldness to her and I being a man its not that I'm needy but I want feminine energy and I'm deep
@@AlexisFriedlander this is my main problem still. She doesn't seem to grasp that her self image and the image i perceive from her are two different worlds. My soul wants to be with her my mind is kind of scared. Dont know how to reach to her
After you started to leave them space, should you at all reach out to them? I haven’t contacted my ex at all in three days, thinking it would be best to let her have her own time with no contact for a month at least. Is there any type of text message that would make her feel secure? Voice message or video message? Something rhetorical that requires no answer? When is it too early in that case? Any example that would help if is a true avoidant?
I left mine alone for a month the first time, 2 weeks the second time, 6 weeks this time and he just ended it again this morning, The cycle will never stop
@@John-jc1kp if you can, just remove yourself from the situation permanently, I don’t even think about this person anymore, the only reason I even thought of them was to reply to your message- it was extremely difficult at first, but I’m so glad I forced myself to get out of that cycle, I don’t miss them, want them or even care anymore, this keeps going on until we put a stop to it
Thank you @Jen ... your words are wise and resonate with what my brain thinks ... the damn heart is going to need a little time. So many things were like hand in glove.
Not everyone is anxious attachment just bc they respond anxiously to an avoidant: a secure person will become anxious when with an avoidant bc that’s a normal reaction to being lied to and pushed away.
I think I would agree with this 100%. Even you are showing signs of anxious when the partner is secure you as anxious will be more of a secure. But with avoidant you will show all you anxiety.
I appreciate reading this. All of the quizzes I take say I'm secure, but I react more anxiously when a lover pulls away. Is it anxious of me to ask "what's going on?" when he starts pulling away.
My husband (yes, I'm in an open marriage) is anxiously attached to me which makes me avoidant of him. (We have learned to balance more lately.) I would like to learn more if secure ppl can get sucked into a push pull with different styles. Or if ppl can be different styles w different partners.
@@BloomingRecklesslysame situation here, also for 2 years. keep on going
@@BloomingRecklessly I'm sorry you experienced that. You were way too patient. I thought 4 months was too long so far
This happened to me I am normally fairly secure in relationships probably somewhere on the border but being with an avoidant turned me very anxious.
I’ve reached a point, where I just don’t think it’s worth it anymore. Most people in these comments (like me) are anxious attached trying to desperately understand someone who doesn’t understand themselves. I’m not vilifying avoidants, but for me, the more I work on understanding my OWN attachment style and becoming secure, the more I get turned off by someone who isn’t doing the same. I know that finding someone completely secure is difficult, particularly as you don’t know someone’s style until you get to know them, but for me, the key things I’m looking for in someone now, are self awareness and a desire to improve regardless of their attachment style. Avoidants and anxious individuals are addicted to each other and sometimes (subconsciously) we’re attracted to them BECAUSE they’re avoidant (we don’t feel we are good enough so we are drawn to people who make us ‘work’ for their love or our parents were emotionally unavailable and we are drawn to the familiar) so for me, understanding my own feelings and reasons behind why I’m attracted to who I’m attracted to, has helped me on my own healing journey and ultimately made me less attracted to emotionally unavailable people.
I'm in the same situation right now and it's safe to say that I'm done ! Not anymore wanting and waiting; let people meet me where I am. I sent a voice note of a closure and I'm as much as I still love my sp, I can't anymore. I'm out
Good luck, sounds like you have some clarity on this. More than me, I fear that my partner and I both have fearful avoidant and anxious and they are interchangeable!
I get you. It feels too much like playing games. At this point, if I manage to detach, it’ll be for my own well-being, so if this is what attracts him back, he might be out of luck.
Avoidants gotta learn to meet us half-way. It can’t be all us. Take a leap of faith. We’re not baby-sitters.
And no matter how secure I am with other people in my life, with him I can fall into the same anxiety, especially because I can feel what a wreck he is.
I’m tired. If it’s meant to happen, he’ll make it happen - before I detach for good.
I don’t even think it’s about anxious attachment tbh. I was like that but I had healed. Being with an avoidant actually opened up those old wounds. To me, avoidant is abusive behaviour. When you compare to narcissism, the impact of their conduct creates the same results. Needing space is the same as “silent treatment”. Walking on eggshells and scared to talk about the future is as bad as being future faked.
To me, this whole anxious / avoidant dynamic is a way to justify what is a controlling relationship-one in which the victim is unable to speak up because they are convinced the man is terrified of adult emotions
@@cassandratarotspells369 it’s very easy for people to invalidate our healing just because we can fall back into old patterns with an avoidant.
It’s very frustrating, because I’ve handled every new situation differently for years. We also gotta consider that we can FEEL that something is wrong before we have reason to know it, so we act accordingly. Turns out, I’ve never been anxious for no reason. It was always my intuition.
I don't believe in trying to win back anyone who walked away from me. I've done it but now I've grown to value my time, values, and heart more. The right person will never leave you.
You are so right. I have always chased guys and it never worked. No more lowering my value for anyone. The right person will match up to me.
Exactly. Just ghost people that play games.
Try getting the avoidant to communicate. Most likely they will run and ghost.
Not my experience.
Unfortunately that's what happened to me, or else an angry I'm okay, stop bothering me. Then they randomly explode one day....
Yup
No not how it happend with me
@@mielleppens7586what happened to you?
It's not worth it. A long time ago an avoidant ghosted me. I was completely crushed - this coming from someone who was secure. However, as I healed, I actually became stronger and more secure. I met my husband (secure) and it was a world of difference. No avoidants for me.
Oh hell, why bother with difficult relationships when you can find someone more up your alley
Being with the type of avoidant is babysitting someone’s ego for the rest of your life. They need to evolve & heal before you do
It doesn’t matter what you do either, the smallest thing will set them off.
I invited him over for dinner- he agreed and said he was looking forward to it- then stood me up and ghosted for 3 weeks.
He later told me the dinner part scared him; I was like “ bro, it was nothing, I was just cooking dinner for us on a Saturday night at my house to watch movies”- I realized then this can’t work because I have no idea what the next thing that will set him off again
I became secure, we reconnected over text, he said he never stopped loving me, he called me multiple times a day, wanted to meet. But then he ghosted. After a few days he admitted he got scared and panicked. Which is a major thing for him to admit. We had a beautiful conversation. We will part ways for now. But I am very tired to be honest.
Thanks for sharing this. He is responsible for his own growth and needs to overcome his fears. You have every right to be tired. If he doesn't understand you are serious about your own growth (i.e. I know what I want) then he will lose you. And you will be better of (which is obviously not how you feel right now)
This means a lot. Thank you.
Just had a very similar experience
@@jenbodhi1133 That is true for avoidants, but they have to work on themselves. Not everyone is willing to wait for them.
@@AlexisFriedlander you reply to your subs. IS THIS A REAL SUB. OR. ARE YOU FUCKING FAKING IT ..
U BETTER BE REAL. ITS GOOD TO SAY HI TO SUBS.
IF I HAD 10 SUBS. ID CHANGE THE WORD I WOULD EMPOWER THEM FOR THE BENEFIT OF MANKIND
I'm a loving compashionate man in late 40's. After 2 years of trying really hard to help my FA girlfriend (she's younger 7 years), I'm done. A lot of effort on my side and none on hers. Meeting every week or two weeks (she was always busy and never had the time for me). Never got to meet her family, never been hugged, cuddled, intimacy close to never (I always had to initiate all, I never felt being truly wanted). She made me feel worthless and completely unimportant. I have a safe attachment style but enough is enough. I'm bailing out to save myself and not to go crazy. Just had a fight with her a few days ago where I spilled out all my sorrows and since then went no contact and hope she will never contact me again. I'm mentally exhausted. Never again, if you see a FA run for your life.
So true love him more than anything but I can't take crumbs anymore. Spent many many years together
They’ll make even the most secure person lose their mind
I feel you...I experienced this too
Can’t agree more.
Hang in there. This is typical behaviour, but you deserve a person who tries. There's many good women out there, who will accept your vulnerabilities & efforts
The person I loved most was avoidant. Still love him after two years. It’s crazy. Just seemed like the best fit relationship. All I know now is I need to allow god to guide me, not doing these things and allowing myself to be hurt.
I’m in the same boat 😢
Same here.. Fells like the best relationship... But he left me because I want a future with him
Going through the same thing.. I don't know how to handle it because it seems so hard to detach my heart from him, since we had something so unique and amazing. First time he left me was 2 1/2 years ago, half a year ago he came back to me and wanted a future together, now he left again. It hurts so much, and I have too many different emotions co-existing inside of me all at the same time... All I can do is pray for guidance from God. May we find peace
The best way to deal with avoidants is to completely ghost them. Sometimes they’re avoiding you because they’re genuinely not interested not because they have issues lol.
This was a really good video, and I love the re-assurance you provide throughout it. I like the idea of mirroring their behaviour, whilst working on becoming more secure and. I've certainly found the process to be really hard on my body and mind as I fight against insticts and feelings. I would love a video guide or resources that would help with the limbo between grief of losing them and keeping up the belief of them returning. I've felt powerless as my ex has requested space, and all I feel I can do is grant that wish despite obviously wanting to communicate, work trowards re-connecting. I'm at a point currently where I feel this limbo of moving on and hope only pro-longes the grief. Again thoughts, advice and resources would be very helpful
Simply follow Alexis advice and work on yourself. Positive thoughts and patterns heal the soul and the pain. But in my book its OK to want what was good back. Its human instinct. But follow his advice and you will feel better anyway.
How long have u been in no contact
Hi! how are you right now? any updates on your situation? I experience somewhat similar with you but in longer time. They sometimes use indirect communication, whenever I reached out, I got nothing and it hurts
I'm in the same place
I, too, am in this place. The inner conflict is too much. I'm trying to change my energy, but it's not easy.
Not all avoidants are narcissistic… They’re just dealing with very heavy trauma and most of them aren’t trying to be malicious
Neither are psychopaths
@@jimmorris7260 Yes, psychopaths ARE trying to be malicious. Same with narcissists. You need to do some research.
Narcs usually FA, broken people, childhood abuse. It's sad and not always recognizable to empathic people who understand their pain and are drawn in to try heal them.
@@ashton1952 Most of your narcs and psychopaths are actually DA. The FAs I know and dated have had literally the most empathy I’ve ever seen. You’re right about trauma but both avoidants have had a lot of trauma but that doesn’t mean they’re a narcissist. Many FAs & DAs come here looking to heal and find answers, narcissists don’t do that
Does it matter whether it's malicious or not if their victims feel similar consequences?
I just think it’s perhaps not worth all this work. It’s so hurtful for the avoidant person to just disappear, and it removes the trust that they will be there for you in serious situations
💯
@@jlynnmenzel ultimately, men like this aren’t worth the emotional investment. I would want a fully formed man who is capable of taking care of me. Not a middle-aged kidult who is scared to grow up. I never dated someone like this before, and honestly my experience with an avoidant completely broke me and has left me unable to trust or open up to anyone.. avoidants are like infectious diseases. The way they treat you makes you scared to open up and commit to someone new. Terrible experience and I highly recommend women run for the hills when they see the red flags
This is what just ruined a potential relationship for me- he ghosted me randomly for no reason- no contact for 3 weeks. We recently reconnected but I have way too much anxiety now to continue, everytime I text him I panic because I don’t know if he’ll ghost, every date I panic wondering if he’ll stand me up- I can’t live like this and there’s no trust so this is over
I just experienced this- luckily we only dated a couple months, but this did my head in, what a complete mess of a situation- 0/10 do not recommend
@@jenbodhi1133 I can totally understand.. if you wasn’t an anxious attacher, you would become one. Honestly I feel it’s so abusive, the behaviour is so toxic
So I suppress my needs and boundaries to make them feel safe to get them back and self abandon aka people please them and give up my feelings of saftey...sounds like eggshells and hard work if they have no awareness of themselves and are meeting you part way. I tried and one foot wrong they withdraw. 😢
Hard agree, not ding this. Its a bye for me. I will NOT treat myself poorly to keep someone around who isn't willing to do the work.
This is exactly what it takes, it’s not worth it
Same, also walking away, luckily it was a short relationship so I’m still somewhat sane
Or "How to manipulate someone who doesn't want to be with you".
If someone doesn't want you, leave them alone. Get someone that does want you.
Facts they wouldn’t put you in a situation to loose them or at least communicate.People go after things they truly want and will even fight for it if they think your special but some just see you as a option
Exactly. A lot of these are not ‘avoidant’ they’re just not interested 🙄
I did exactly this and he started to come back, then ended up in a rebound. I continue to keep my distance but he continues to initiate conversations with me. He recently asked me out for coffee or drinks but when our schedules didn’t align, he said “we have to get together”, then pulled back again. He also Facebook messaged me after midnight while he was at a wedding asking me how my weekend was. I didn’t respond until the next day, but then he continued the conversation with me. Additionally, he was the 1st person to reach out to me on my birthday 3 weeks ago (at 7 am) and I did not wish him a Happy Birthday. It’s absolutely exhausting! The rebound is a downgrade from me and he moved her into his apartment 2.5 months after they met. She doesn’t appear to know anything about me. He has flirted with me throughout their entire relationship, but I do nothing to coax his ego. I was quite secure during our 2 yr relationship and he broke up with me 2x out of the blue. Both times, I’ve conducted myself as a mature adult and gone no contact. I let him initiate everything.
He’s anxiously attached and hiding it.
Actually, he vacillates between anxious and avoidant. Would’ve thought he was anxious at the beginning of the relationship, but then he would occasionally pulled back. When we discussed attachment styles and he asked what avoidant was, he said, “isn’t that all men?” He then admitted that it was often easier to just not deal with emotions and “stuff” them down. Both breakups were out of the blue and then he suddenly seemed confused and regretful both times. No definitive explanation for the breakup either time. He is divorced, wife walked out on him after 1.5 yrs of marriage and then became a lesbian….
You are toy on the shelf, he is narcissist. Listen to Cluster B Milkshake and go no contact forever :)))
He seems to be a disorganized attachment with obvious narcissistic traits. Run!
@@NMTDelightfulMusicless than 1% of the population are true narcs. Most likely, ppl are mixes of different trauma/attachment styles with perhaps other disorders
My DA was texting other guys throughout the relationship, one foot always outside the door, keeping her options open. If she reaches out it will be years after she goes through a number of guys and finally realises it was special.
I'm not sure if my ex was DA, I feel like it was a similar situation though. I knew he still had some contact with his previous ex, so even though he never said, I think he left me to reconcile with her. She sounded toxic, but he seems to be brainwashed into believing her way of seeing things (ex. "I'm yours and you are mind" = possessiveness and jealousy isn't natural) because of "therapy".
I'm sure he'll never reach out unless it's to assuage his own future guilt.
@DFRetha yeah mine idolised her ex bf. But she sabotaged it by cheating on him. And definitely got defensive if I mentioned it's inappropriate to send selfies to other guys the way she did.
@zoltszolts5632 I'm sorry you had to experience that. If she was a cheater and continued that kind of behaviour, you are lucky you aren't involved anymore.
People like that will either learn their lesson too late (the damage was already done and you have moved on) or they just never will.
At least you expressed your feelings though.
In my case, my ex originally said that I was better than his previous relationship - confident, mature, not forcing him to break himself mentally for me - but he freely mentioned her when he could have phrased it otherwise (ex. Instead of saying he'd purchased a print and couldn't find the artist when he wanted another one, he seemed to feel it necessary to mention that he'd purchased the original prints for his ex). Once he even had the audacity to recommend that a friend of mine see his ex for therapy.
He told me once she came to visit a pet they'd once shared and I wasn't comfortable with it. Now, I think I should have said so and found out earlier whether he would choose her or me. I kept my mouth shut though because I thought it wasn't my place to say who he could hang out with and I should try and trust him.
Honestly, I only knew of one time, and a rodent isn't the kind of pet that warrants frequent visits. I'm sure he was in more contact with her than I knew, and even if he wasn't cheating physically, I just feel like the contact led him to reconsider the relationship we had. It's hard to compare 8 months with 5.5 years (even if she was, imo, toxic)
My wife did that with her family who was abusive to her and were never there for her. I thought, one day she will learn to love me and show it. I thought even some arranged marriages work out great. Ours wasn't arranged. 😂😂 Sheesh. What a shit show.
@@j77walker yep it's certainly an experience to go through. Long lasting emotional damage
I can get my avoidant partner back by running away. And that infuriates me. I shouldn’t have to threaten our relationship to get their attention! I separated for a bit and was quickly overwhelmed by the seductive manner in which my partner was suddenly willing to move heaven and earth just to be near me. But the minute I show that I can be relied upon and trusted, their focus immediately shifts back onto other subjects.
I’m frustrated by the inability to get my partner to be willing to work on improving our relationship unless I’m dangling the threat of leaving over them.
He only wants me when I’m gone too
"Don't assume that they always do things to hurt you!" Guilty as charged. I love him with my whole heart. But I was always so defensive, which he would kindly remind me of. He wasn't out to get me.
At least they talked to you it’s been 5-6 years of push and pull constantly.We must of really got close this last time cause this is the longest without any communication it’s been a month he wants nothing to do with me if I go to his house he want answer the door he hides in his depression & looks at me like I’m the most horrible person in the world. I guess it’s really over this time I really don’t know
If we need them to come.baxk we ve got a lot of healing to do.
Who sane person wants an avoidant?!
Yt fake counselors wants us to go back.
Watch the realistic ones and what avoidants really are and do. Kim Saaid.
Nobody asked for that to happen and you don't know until you know. We're all just trying our best in life to do the best with what we've got. Judgement doesn't help anyone or anything.
@@ashton1952 I agree
You want them to come back because being DA or FA is not all there is to them. You have wonderful times together and profound feelings of rich connection with them. You know that they are so very lovable and worthy of being loved, too, but you also see them engage in an internal struggle to trust their feelings, and when they retreat you instinctively get what's going on. This, for me, stirs tremendous empathy and a desire to be there for them. You can walk away from a fallen bird with a broken wing because it's "too much trouble", or maybe on the other hand you're the type of person for whom caring and patience is not too much trouble, because you can see the bird's wholeness and are willing to give it the time, space and structure to mend and be able to fly. People are built different. I notice my love tends to flow where it's needed, and I honor the wisdom of the current.
We don't decide evolutionary biological responses..
This is wonderful to know how an avoidant sees us anxious. You made me see the beauty in this connection cause I love my avoidant man and I will remember he does too, even in his own way. Thank you for making this 🙏🏼
Why would anyone want an avoidant back? Unless the avoidant is aware of their "damage", it's just going to go back to what caused the break up in the first place. They have major trauma and they need to heal themselves... they may never heal themselves unfortunately. It's best to move on... find someone else who isn't avoidant and is healthier in their relationship style.
yep, living this real time
i dont get why ppl keep saying the avoidant LIES??? mine didnt, he was flat out telling me he was emotionally unavailable and unable to give me love fully, and i stayed like a fool.
😂this was my experience which is why I feel like such a bozo for staying 🤡🤡🤡
My wife lied from day one about the most stupid things.
Yah .. this is where Im at in our connection...with giving him plennnnty of space. And at times I think it's good for both of us and at other times I'm not happy about tha avoidant style. For me, I feel the more we heal our childhood trauma, the more secure we become.
So my biggest accomplishment was healing my anxious/fearful avoidant attachment style, but now “my” DA sabotaged it. We had a year of me being healed, without ME sabotaging it. One day we were telling stories about when we were kids, then the next he made himself look superior because I didn’t answer a question about a country to his liking. On a good day we would of had a conversation about it and he probably would have taught me some interesting facts. But that’s not what happened. He had to test me so that he could find a reason to not like me anymore. Since I’m more healed than I’ve ever been, I brought it to his attention. He hasn’t replied since, which is okay. I haven’t either. The old me would have chased him. Once you are healed you can see the deactivating switch like it was flashing in your face. I’ve never been in this situation before. I used to add to the problem.
This is my situation too. we are both FA but he is more avoidant and he doesn't know that he is FA. he had to create something to be able to walk away from the relationship. my super power is turning off my feelings...so since I'm giving up on him, I'm just numb now.
I can't reach out to him. I tried it before and it was destroying me. But he is too prideful to fix it so we are done.
I always enjoy what you share on here, but we are not friend yet, I’ve tried several times sending you a friend request, but it wasn’t going through, I will be so glad if you send me a friend request I’m sorry if you find this embarrassing.hoping to hear from you.
I am living this same movie
That push pull effect drove me to insanity, he hated compliments, being asked how he felt and I was not allowed to ask if he was tired. I was discarded 6 months ago after being together 25 years. He still reaches out, I recently text to ask if he missed me at all and was told of course I do, you were a big part of my life. That’s an understatement considering that’s the longest we’ve ever been apart.
I was discarded after 13 years together. We have been apart for 4 months and he says he hasnt missed me. He cares for me respects for me but doesn’t love me anymore.
Wow exactly vsame for me after 17 years...lost my home to....how are you now
@@sandrawright8109 I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s devastating and seriously cruel to be discarded after years of trust and loyalty and it’s the hardest recovery journey ever but it definitely gets easier and that immense internal pain and heartache will lessen for you and one day you’ll no longer feel it, it’s exhilarating when that happens, but for me personally I still miss him, but I know it’s the trauma bond at play. It’s absolutely awful that you lost your house, I hope you manage to get back on your feet. I’m doing better but I still have times where I’m suffering mentally. I’m hoping that gets easier too. Good luck for your future, I wish you all the best.
Wow. I didn't know what "avoidant" means and I thought I'd check it out. And Boom! You were talking about my ex and yes, I'm bubbly anxious and everything you are saying in your video!
Yes, I think I scared him by saying I'm not going to let go, I'm not going to leave him, don't be afraid. And of course I meant it.
Thank you for talking about us. Now I understand more.
Listening to all these videos is interesting, quite a bìt might ring bells with people in their lives and relationships.
But please realise that none of this is exact science, it is opinions and idea's.
Human beings do not fit in boxes and reasons for things and behaviour can be so varied and so great, no modern tag will fit.
Good luck and be happy.
This is official manual for 'how to walk on eggshells'. If they don't want you, let them go.
Truer words were never spoken
He may be avoidant, but he dumped me because he only saw me as sexually attractive. Mission accomplished, immediately threw the not interested in a relationship (as if I ever said I was), gone.
Great information. I just started realizing my anxious attachment style is what draws them in.
No it’s not. They are next of kind to narcissist and looking for supply.
I wish I had seen this two months ago. I managed to balance the freedom aspect with my avoidant ex very well in the beginning, we started as friends, I went with the flow. But after we started being more intimate and romantic, hit that high but then she shut down and disconnected.
Instead of mirroring I stuck close and things went downhill from there.
I miss her very much, she's fully blocked me. It's been 60 days.
What’s your next steps? I’m in the same boat
Lol 😂
@@cairocoolShe's gone. Forget about it. You move on.
@@UniversoSpiritualUnido what's so funny?
@@UniversoSpiritualUnidoYou’re pretty insecure
He's telling you to become secure, but once you become secure you'll recognizing what a big waste of time these people are. You'll spend your entire relationship coddling them like a little toddler and compromising your own human needs which they'll never meet. Don't waste your time, energy, and extraordinary value here. They're not worth it.
This is what I realized, I have been single for a couple years after toxic relationships- this was my first attempt at dating again and though the experience was really unpleasant, I realized how secure I’ve become- he ended things twice now and both times I was like “ ok, i respect your decision “ and then went no Contact.
I’m proud of myself and there will be no third time with this because I see the pattern now
Was interested in someone, but now not all, maybe as a friend but i doubt they will be good at that either.
Just like my partner I will bet their past is full of toxic relationships. I felt sorry and then become a victim of "being too good" for her. I never even thought about "being too good" as I was just enjoying the time.
The whole "get him to talk to you" part is unhelpful. How? He has ghosted me and won't respond to my texts after being in a relationship for over 1.5 yrs. How am i supposed to do this??
My ex DA wasn't narcissistic at all. He was giving, thoughtful and caring with no evil intent or manipulation., He had childhood trauma and had fear of closeness & abandonment. He admitted that relationships were difficult for him.
No offense , but wt f is wrong with those people ??
Todlers/ Victims that like being at that place instead of growing up. 😂😂
@hitman you come offreally insincere with this question. Just get involved long term with an emotional abuser and then you find the answer to that.
@@ashton1952 it’s been months since I watched anyone these I’m past this point … I forgot why I said it but I know I don’t make bad statements so I’m sure it was ok. I think I was saying what’s wrong with avoidants. I was with one and she broke my heart after four years. Pulled the carpet out from under me a… but it’s past I’ve moved on and yet talk to her weekly …. F her if she doesn’t want me I don’t need or want her … we all need to heal and move on
@@Ytdeletesallmycommentsthis. 100 percent. They see their victim status as an excuse- generating hobby.
@@hitman52djSo how is that working out? Has she come back with an apology or plan dor for the future with you?
How I deal with avoidants, I don' t, I did once and now that I know the signs never again, EVER.
I just learned the hard way
My avoidant ex is also unfortunately a people-pleaser, so when she reaches out to me I’m never sure if she’s doing it because she really wants to or if it’s because she just knows she hurt me and feels guilty / just checking on me.
Yeep
Suonds like a fearful avoidant and not a dismissive avoidant.
I would say the best videonout there on dealing with avoidants. In NC 60 days, so wish I had come across this sooner in my life.
Update? NC & waiting for them to come back or you plan on breaking it?
@bobbyclair386 Brutal question: Honestly, I don't know. But I am still growing and healing.
What to do when the spouse is ghosting and file for divorce without ask your opinion?
Please do a video on how to cure avoidant attachment
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
When I left....he said something that maeby will change something for him in the future.....he said....I Am to egoistic to be in a relation....I asked....how come you think that? He answered....because all women always left me. I am happy now and I hope he will be too . I never want such a relationship again
My avoidant ex girlfriend who refused to talk after break up, only got more disrespectful and gaslighting over the years, while i have always been respectful and to her and never pushed her or invaded her privacy
That’s what they do. Move on to a better life.
It's a crazy train. Avoidants need to mature emotionally and learn how to process that good things can and do still happen. Living in fear, projecting, sabotaging, gas lighting, using sex as a tool, etc. It's just too much.
Guys, he was doing EVERYTHING for me, he put so much effort I met everyone in his circle they all loved me and us together. He was so content with my acceptance from his family.He told me he loved me and would do anythi8ng for me, he even said I am the one. 4 months in, things got very serious with my family, my parents and brothers put pressure on the topic of engagement and commitment. They gave him a timeline but I told him lets talk about this because I dont care to rush into marriage right now. He broke up with me that evening after talking to my family without even discussing his concerns with me, and just said culture difference would make it too hard, and he doesnt want this serious and to be forced into engagement by a certain time. I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH HIM, but he didnt give me a chance to properly discuss this with him. Its been a week since we broke up, but only 2 days since no contact. I know he genuinely loved me, we also agreed early on that we date for marriage, we agreed sex after marriage, we are both conservative, Catholic, religious, both have same values and humour. So I am genuinely confused as to why he broke up. Can someone give some input?
If he’s truly avoidant, count your losses and move on. Not to do so is to invoke a life of the same pain over and over.
I just want to say that I appreciate your insight and explanations of this attachment style, especially being a male psychologist, who also has the same attachment style. Thank you!
I went from avoidant to secure by healing my traumas
Secure need attachment too
While listening you, I hear your french accent. Probably I've mistaken but it's really nice😊
Thank you, also very nice to listen to your French accent, Monsieur ! ;-) But not really sure if i want Her back haha... if there's still a mutual karma She will be back anyway. These kind of videos help , donc merci quand meme, Alexis ! Salutations de Pologne.
What if they already found someone else or always had someone else on the side line?
This information was awesome! Thank you
I love love love your accent! Subscribed.
Also, not many of us were even aware of the DA types before the breakup. Did not even know the existence. Was not exposed to all this.
Aww snap!! Get it Doc! 💃🏽🕺🏽
My avoidant ex and I still live together (because off finances). Although we still love each other, we decieded to put a hold on the relationship until we get control of this push and pull energy and while him and I both are working towards secure. Still feeling the push and pull though 😓 it's a bit too much. Want it more balanced.
Who cares? Everyone has baggage and previous trauma. Not our job to fix the avoidant. They continuously push our boundaries having no respect. If this is how they want to leave fine, but they are making our lives miserable. We deserve better
Exactly, they’re so traumatized by last relationship behaving this way, acting like we all aren’t traumatized - we’ve all been hurt, grow up
Hi Alexis!! You do a great job and I find your videos amazing!!! Keep on!! May I ask,if rejecting our avoidant ex ( if they reach out to us) would make them come back much more easily....many thanks in advance!!!.....greetings from Greece 🇬🇷!!!!
I am preparing a video about that. Avoidant are equally (sometimes more) sensitive to rejection than anxious.
It could be a good tool if used properly
@@AlexisFriedlander The word "properly" is the secret....thank you again....I'm looking forward for your video....
@@AlexisFriedlander And let me ask one more question.....Given the fact that I'll maybe reject my avoidant ex,I wonder if THEY should prove that they are the right person for us!!!!!! What's your opinion??? Thanks again!
Keep us updated 😊
both great questions!@@ΓιώργοςΚ-μ7ω
My FA plays horrible on my AA style and it makes mw spiral. Just when I feel we are getting to an agreed upon place he throws me foe a loop with something to sabotage the connection and trigger me. Im sadly at almost a year Ill have to walk away
It won’t end, you have to leave
very interesting. I know fopr sure not invest time and resourses in this kind of people.
You can’t do anything with them
What are the big differences between avoidants and narcs?
Avoidants get therapy to change. An avoidant who knows they are avoiding but not willing to get help or Change is a narc.
Translation: "How to re-attract a poisonous animal you want nothing to do with because you're too desperate to find anything better." No thanks.
How can’t you truly trust and bond with someone that just up and discards you? You can read the handbook on them but inevitably you’ll do something to trigger them and off they go again!! How can you truly bond ?
You can’t bond with them and will never bond with them. These videos are just a way to make money.
Who else is watching this to find a way to hurt their ex back? Well I am
You’re giving an excuse to bad behavior.
I feel like my working on myself and becoming more secure had the opposite effect. He got mot distant and just assumed that since I was becoming more secure he had the green light to be distant and dismissive and I would be fine. He just assumed I wouldn’t need him and we just drifted further apart.
I was in 8 month relationship with an avoidant and he introduced me to his children made future plans with me and we finally had sex twice and exactly a week later he blocked me on everything to talk to him. But didn’t block me on YT or Instagram. He blocked me because a “friend” lied to him and started drama and I was the one who got blamed. I found out he is talking positive about me to a mutual friend. Will he come back? He is blaming me for someone else’s behaviors and actions. I was honest with him. I am so confused it’s been over a month of no contact.
It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, they’ll find a lm excuse to ghost you and end things again, I recently got ghosted because I suggested dinner at my house and he got scared-- this is ridiculous and you can’t win, they’ll look for reasons to end it even no reason exists
It's all a bunch of games. If you're going to be in a grown-ass relationship come healed don't expect somebody else to do all this shit for you come healed decide what you want be an adult or go on and leave people alone
Exactly, why are they even dating
Amen
I’m going though this and it’s heartbreaking
It is truly heartbreaking! But not the kind of continual over again and over again heartbreak you’ll experience by sticking around
you are SO right
exactly you said ot perfectly.. i understand ..we eere engaged for a year daying for 2..then silence..give him time
Alexis thanks. You are so right but what I don't understand is why my DA keeps coming back to me. She knows I have deep feelings for her and she can't seem to understand that they don't go away just because she goes through her avoidal episodes. But I don't play the push and pull game. I honestly don't know how. She even went to the point to tell me as if I didn't notice that she was avoiding me. I said I know but it if you want to hide away and avoid me then go ahead. Life is too short to chase anyone. It seems to drive her crazy that I cannot react to her moments. What am I suppose to do? I can't react to what doesn't make sense. I told her all I ask is for some communication when she drifts into nowhereville. She and I both know how good our relationship has been for over two years. I can stand on the strength of the relationship but she just thinks it can go poof overnight. Solid relationships do not go poof overnight. It is so weird that the more I got to know her the more I see her point of view, but it is a fantasy point of view. Two years of seeing each other after 5 years of knowing each other as friends. We have such a good time doing everyday normal boring stuff. Will she ever just relax?
She’s trying to attract you by taking away attention. Dumb move.
She’s begging for attention.. by withdrawing it. Dumb.
I have been there for over 4 years going nearly on 5! It is a deep pain and it's emotional abuse! They don't understand or they do and just can't stop sabotaging the relationship!
It is emotional abuse it’s bullshit. Complete bullshit they know exactly what they are doing and bottom line they are hurting you on purpose, manipulating you and deceiving you basically backstabbing you too. I can’t believe we have made this hurtful behavior ok it’s ok to hurt people and break their hearts over and over and over meanwhile while she’s heartbroken I’ll just go sleep with the ex for a little while until I make her a ex again then go back to her and let’s see I’ll leave when she is really really hooked this time. Oh and go back to the ex.what is wrong with us it’s not ok to do this people. Stop then tell them to hit the road and if they go seek help and actually change then maybe talk my god your not a doormat I don’t care if this is a disorder or not. It’s wrong and they know they are wrong they just don’t care enough about you to stay they walk away and come back just to walk away again and again and again your an option if they can’t love truly love then they are all Satans army sad but true
Is there anything I could say after doing all that she said move on anxious side got the best of me but I’m calmer now
Seriously, just DON’T. It will only lead you to a dead road where you will be mad at yourself for putting SO MUCH WORK onto something that is ABUSIVE TO YOU. Get it?
I got it yes, I recently started dating a guy behaving like this, thankfully I’m reading all the comments here and I’m out of this relationship, it’s been a nightmare and it’s only been 3 months
thanks for the push ... it is tough but I keep asking wtf too often
Do you please have a contact email for yourself Alexis? Thank you Chris
I was engaged almost 5 years relationship with an avoidant then at first i was the one who broke up 1 week after i talked to him its like the table turn and i was wondering if we have a chance to get back i am in no contact for 1 month
With his accent he can tell me anything
I think its too late for me. I broke down and told him how upset i am. He hasn't contacted me.after 17 years together he wanted me to leave. Im homeless now. Dont know what to do
Don’t say a word, not a single word- they’ll come back them, but they’ll do the same thing again
Great video thank you :)
I don't want him back!!
You described the dynamic perfectly. He just ended it when after 2 years I asked for a commitment (we've been long distance which is why it took so long for me to ask). He told me he loves and cares for me, is crazy attracted to me, that I'm the most beautiful person, that he loves being loved by me but that he just doesn't feel the feelings he'd need to feel to take this to the next level.
That's his lost, not yours. Stay strong and be the best version of yourself.
@@AlexisFriedlander thank you so much. I know it is. And I’m not just saying that to make myself feel better. He told me he wanted to love me because I’m so amazing but that he just can’t feel the feelings. Thank you for your videos - they really helped me along the way.
Typical DA behavior
@@CryptoTaurusMoon thanks for validating that!
@@CryptoTaurusMoon I’m doing really well post breakup and am focusing on myself (as I did the entire way through) and feeling good but it’s just sad.
One positive thing about being an avoidant... it is narcissis repellant! They do NOT have the patience for you so that mask pops off real quick.
Thank you!! ♥️
I was/am avoidant shy, my ex is/was anxious. I was afraid to commit and show my feelings. She left with another guy.
It's been a year now she's been through a couple of rebounds, reaching out, but not suggested getting together, which I "unfortunately" have done too much.
I'm not sure how to proceed, when I stopped responding she opened more up, lately we had a long conversation which felt good. For now I'm mainly trying to focus more in on making my life complete to the point where I may invite someone new. However I miss her a lot.
Any suggestion?
Keep working on yourself and don't force anything.
If you were the avoidant one did you apologize? Share you wanted to comitt?
They only want you when you don’t want them
I have an anxious Avoidant partner of two years. She is also passive goes along with directions and lets things happen to her. She went bike riding on a three day, two night stay over with another man, before I met her. They stayed together two nights, she told me she did not have sex with him, but slept in the same double bed. I know she only need to be started on by someone and she will roll over and let the man do what they want. When she was in the sixth year of her marriage, her husband asked her to sleep with his best man of their marriage, she did what her husband asked of her. The best man and husband went to bed with her, The best man had sex with her, then the husband, the husband told her the best man of the weddind was going through a hard time as his finance broke off their engagment and he was very depressed, so having sex with him would help him, she said she did because she loved her husband and believed he would never do anything to hurt her....
Sick
Yo that sounds like Asperger’s or autism man, something needs to be checked out
I always enjoy what you share on Facebook , but we are not friend yet, I’ve tried several times sending you a friend request, but it wasn’t going through, I will be so glad if you send me a friend request I’m sorry if you find this embarrassing.hoping to hear from you.
She sounds like she's been abused her whole life. ..I hope she can get help
Ewww.
Do we really want people that test us and leave to ever come back?
Do they come back to ALL the women they connected with recently, though?
So do i talk with them on the basis of these practical tips...or shall i go pure no contact. What works more???
What works best is to find another relationship where jumping through hoops is not a requirement
My Da ex keeps doing this now I blocked him cause we had alittle disagreement and he told me to keep my distance
Don't reciprocate the issue back. That is what he wants. Unblock him and tell him that I will keep my distance if I decide to not him. Alexis's point of view is spot on. Live your life the way you want it and don't let someone else make your decisions for you.
I got ghosted😢😢😢 pls how do I get them to answer me?
Don’t say a word, not a single word
@@jenbodhi1133 okay thank you. They did end up getting upset at me for it🤣🤣🤣 It works but not always for the reason you wish it did. He texted me and asked me why I was ignoring him even though he was the one ignoring me
It is horrible to go through, but @jen is correct
@@jenbodhi1133 It is true they reached out to me. But only to see if I would respond to them and for an ego boost.
Hi thank you for this video,
I have been going through the push pull with my avoidant ex for 5years. I have son but not with him i was a mum at the time of us first meeting. he has always decided that he wants to leave and saying he can’t commit. in july he told me chose me etc and we would make it work but broke up with me 2 weeks ago became he said I am mum and he wants his own family.
This was triggered by me saying i feel he doesn’t appreciate me at times and takes me for granted 1 week prior.
I never knew about attachment styles before this but I am anxious avoidant, he has an amazing relationship with my son but he said when breaking up he wants his own family and he feels like he has done a lot of damage with the pushing and pulling. Now im swat and done all this research regarding attachments I want him back it will be different.
If I follow your methods do you think i have a chance?
please do respond
You can’t have any personal standards or hold them accountable in any way or it’s over and they’ll ditch you
Your son is your no.1 priority. He does not deserve you and your son. Make a man of your son.
You said to let them lead the conversation. So what if they messed up and did something stupid. When they come back do you allow the chit chat or do you insist on talking about the issues?
In my experience they’ll ghost you again if you try to hold them to any accountability about anything- you have to accept everything, forgive everything, not bring anything up ever, don’t expect apologies for anything or you’ll get ghosted again
Why would you want people , who run round any bed anytime back in the first place ?. To look after them and once they get tve attention start all over again . No thanks , i am not his mama .
The thing i dont like , its that WHY is there so many videos on avoidant and how WE NEED to make them safe , why are they not trying harder to make US feel safe …. How to end that cycle where WE NEED to make the effort ? Because for me , if we NEED to mirror them , and LET THEM space , its still not an equal relationship since OUR NEEDS are not met ….
I am working on a website specifically designed for avoidants sharing my personal journey and helping them to be aware of their insecurities (stay tuned)
@@AlexisFriedlander thats amazing !
@@AlexisFriedlander do you do couple therapy sessions also when we are back togheter to help us navigate throughout our different attachment style and how to understand each other better to not be in a breakup position again because of our different communication style
EXACTLY!!!!!
What do you think about a man who claims he wants me and initiates conversations about is being a gf and bf but he cancels and reschedules our dates ?
Been there ..save yourself tears.
i have this problem, been seperated for two times now. we have kids, I'm don't think that just switching partners is a solution. but to actually find a problem and then create a solution. Yes she has this type of coldness to her and I being a man its not that I'm needy but I want feminine energy and I'm deep
You're right. Finding the problem and to create a solution The key is to understand what causing the problem and to work on it.
@@AlexisFriedlander this is my main problem still. She doesn't seem to grasp that her self image and the image i perceive from her are two different worlds. My soul wants to be with her my mind is kind of scared. Dont know how to reach to her
Thumbnail photo
... to make someone do something.
Not ... "to" do something
q.v. ... to let someone do something.
After you started to leave them space, should you at all reach out to them? I haven’t contacted my ex at all in three days, thinking it would be best to let her have her own time with no contact for a month at least. Is there any type of text message that would make her feel secure? Voice message or video message? Something rhetorical that requires no answer? When is it too early in that case? Any example that would help if is a true avoidant?
@Fsbfvdhgndmz Thanks!
I left mine alone for a month the first time, 2 weeks the second time, 6 weeks this time and he just ended it again this morning,
The cycle will never stop
@@jenbodhi1133 I am living through the same thing ... incredible time together, then a few hints, then the horrible cold space
@@John-jc1kp if you can, just remove yourself from the situation permanently, I don’t even think about this person anymore, the only reason I even thought of them was to reply to your message- it was extremely difficult at first, but I’m so glad I forced myself to get out of that cycle, I don’t miss them, want them or even care anymore, this keeps going on until we put a stop to it
Thank you @Jen ... your words are wise and resonate with what my brain thinks ... the damn heart is going to need a little time. So many things were like hand in glove.
She’s got issues - The Offspring