Adult with Autism | My Autism Mask | 08
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 20 พ.ย. 2024
- Despite living with the Autism mask 24/7, it turns out it is actually really difficult to explain...but as those who have watched me before will know, that doesn't stop me rambling anyway!
The mask is real and will be different for everyone, but perspective is everything, and hopefully I have managed to share mine...in amongst the ramble.
For additional content:
||PATREON ||
Patreon: / adultwithautism
|| SUPPORTING THE CHANNEL ||
Paypal: paypal.me/Adul...
Buy Me a Coffee: www.buymeacoff...
Wishlist: www.buymeacoff...
|| SOCIAL ||
Instagram: / adultwithautism
**NOT ON ANY OTHER FORM OF SOCIAL MEDIA**
|| LINKS ||
Soundcloud: / adultwithautism
|| BUSINESS ENQUIRES ||
Email: oldandautistic@gmail.com
Tier #3 Patreon account required for personal responses.
Sarah Hendricks is an Autism expert who had written 6 books on the topic before finding out she had Autism. She talks about a “low arousal life” that she lives. That is the lifestyle that ultimately worked for her. Your videos are helpful, thank you. (I believe your mask description is very accurate.)
Thanks Catherine, I will look into Sarah Hendricks. My personal life is 'low arousal', but work is like being inside a bag of monkeys. Just need to win the lottery to solve that one!
“All you want to do is be invisible but you start to be seen because the mask is slipping”. This hit me straight in the head/heart/belly.
I was diagnosed as Autistic this January right before my 44th birthday. So I can relate to this so much! The mask really did get heavier and heavier while what little I knew of myself seemed to vanish. It is exhausting and left me feeling hollow. Now that I have been diagnosed I am in the process of discovering myself and figuring out how to find balance between masking and being me. It is no easy thing. Thank you for you videos. ❤️
Glad you like them Melissa, and you're right. It's about how you unpick the mask little by little to rebuild yourself in your actual own image.
Hey Paul! I just wanted to thank you for this video, even though you think you might have been blathering on or waffling (you weren’t, and have nothing to apologize for). I watched this and the big takeaway for me as an autistic person was the ability to describe masking when we’re younger, versus when we’re older, and essentially how when we’re younger we tend to take on traits of others and incorporate those traits into our masks. Our masks become heavier until we eventually end up in a state of autistic burnout, and can’t figure out why we’re so exhausted, why our executive function stops working, and why we no longer have the energy to mask anymore. This was the scenario that alarmed me enough to actually figure out that I’ve been dealing with autism my whole life, and that something needed to change. I’ve looked at it many ways, but never really looked at the “old masked me” as the amalgamation of my experiences with other people. I always just looked at it from the standpoint of, “there’s the old inauthentic me, and the new authentic me”. This video gave me the nuance that I was missing on describing my experience in a way that deeply resonated with me. For that, I want to thank you! Keep up the great work. Even though it might not be immediately evident to you, sharing your experiences like you’re doing IS genuinely helpful to others like myself. I appreciate you!
Thank you Steve. That comment means the world to me, I really do appreciate it.
I feel the same way, a lot of the waffling you mentioned was also expressing yourself about this.
I always felt a fraud and never knew why, because I didn't know I had Autism. I was trying to be "real". Like you I didn't intend to deceive. God forbid.
I was mimicking people to get through life situations. How sad.
It is something definitely ingrained at this point, so much so that it was pointed out to me this week that I cannot repeat what someone has said without mimicking their voice or accent. I'd never even noticed.
@@AdultwithAutism That's exactly what I do too! If I'm telling a story about someone, I just automatically fall into character talking and gesturing the way they do...I don't realize it and I guess I'm so good at it sometimes, people are taken aback and will start cracking up 😆 It's a good trait to have when you can easily make people laugh 😊
This was the most accurate description of masking/the mask that I've ever heard...I was nodding and saying "Yes!" to myself all through this video.
You really have a knack for putting into words what I feel/have felt.
When I started the chipping away process, one of my sisters (who had no idea what was happening with me) remarked that she "missed her sister". She didn't know that who she was missing had never been real in the first place.
I had an autistic brother who committed suicide, and I miss him terribly. Now I'm left with three sisters who seem to have no interest in my struggles. While that's their perogative, it's finally made me totally disinterested in pretending to be who they need me to be.
Like you, I lost my best friend (who was also autistic), and now I feel adrift in a world that not only doesn't understand, but doesn't care to try.
All I know is that I'm done trying to fit into the world of people who never attempt to fit into mine.
You make me feel understood, and rather than describing your voice as a monotone, I find it calming and reassuring.
Thank you for putting words to so much of what I feel, and for sharing your journey. It's very courageous to put yourself out there.
Thank you
"Made life more about me." That's exactly it. Low self esteem and oversensitivity to others' expectations created depression without insight into its cause or how to cope with it. Imitation is the highest form of flattery, after all. Only by freeing myself from that sort of psychological bondage could I begin to know and respect my own unique self.
You're important too 👍🏻
Dude, you are my hero!! Thank you so much for making this video! I don't think I could do what you did, but you described so much of my experience building my mask, using my mask, and how heavy it became and how I've been trying to learn to manage and recharge. I've never heard anyone else talk about how they only were able to recharge when they were alone and could take off the mask. That gave me so much clarity and I'm very happy that I have this video to share with others. Just want you to know that even if you don't make other videos, this one video and how raw and real you were in it has made a huge difference to me. You are a hero to me, and I think to others who never knew how to describe this to their family/friends.
Hi Collin, really appreciate your comment. I didn't have much of a plan (still don't) on why I wanted to do the videos, but just wanted any of them to help anyone at any point. So really glad it's helped 👍🏻
Hi Paul. Thank you for your honest videos. Yesterday afternoon, I was diagnosed as almost 100% autistic at age 73. Yesterday, i felt shaky and very vulnerable. This morning, i was able to see, for the very first time in my entire life, that my positive autistic traits etc outweigh the negatives. Right now, i am thanking God for making me this way, and for putting my guilty, frightened, confused mind at rest. Tomorrow, i might face another emotional hurdle, but i won't forget today. ❤❤❤🤗🤗🤗
Brilliant. Being Autism isn't a bad thing at all. So long as we manage ourselves to our design and avoid those who are toxic for us...we get on just fine 👍🏻
Your description of the mask is by far the most accurate that I have seen. The mask is more like a reflex, something we've been taught, essentially from a very young age. Probably the reason why a lot of us are only diagnosed later in life (46yo for me, 2023). A social outing for me requires almost a whole day of sleep and/or resting the next day in order to recover from the stress of putting on that mask, essentially. I've never associated the two. Not to mention preparing to put that mask on before the event - a pre event rest so to speak. In the past I now see where I didn't allow enough rest time before and after to prepare/recover for/from events, and I've stressed myself out too much resulting in meltdowns/burnouts and broken friendships/relationships. Now they are things that I cannot take back and/or 'fix'. The pain is a daily battle fraught with regular nightmares from events that have happened in the past. I am loving your video's Paul, and have started working through them from the very beginning of your journey. Knowing that we are not alone in this journey, and relating so much to other people that we have not even met is a very comforting thing, having gone through life constantly knowing that we don't fit in and that nobody understands us. Turns out there are people who do, you being one of them.
Really glad you're enjoying the videos.
How did you get diagnosed? I feel the exact same way
I'm not sure I know who I am at the age of 37. It's taken me years to even get a sense of what I really like or what I might want to do. Like you, I've never been the one (through school, uni) who said, "Let's go and do this." I remember pretending to be obsessed with Leonardo DiCaprio as a teenager (even though I really wasn't that bothered about him!) just because my best friend was - to the point where we were competing over who had more posters on their bedroom wall! Seems ridiculous now. I feel like for most of my life I've just been mostly an amalgamation of what I thought other people might want me to be, and all I wanted (that I was aware of) was to be accepted, really.
I could relate to so much of this and really hope I can get a diagnosis so I can start chiselling. Thanks, Paul!
Hi Maria, thanks for your comments. I was the same (not with Leonardo DiCaprio though!). People at school were obsessed with people they will never meet and I didn't understand it either!
For me, wearing this mask is automatic - I don't even realize it until later when I'm alone again and feel deeply exhausted. When I got my official Diagnosis I wanted to change that. I wanted to let more of the person I really am shine through, but thats far from being easy as it turned out. What did you do after your diagnosis? Did you consciously decide to change something? And if so, what?
I did. I took the saying 'you cannot pour from an empty cup' seriously. I started looking out for myself, focused on my recharge time by making sure I had absolutely nothing planned (so I could make a decision at the time rather than something planned), what I actually needed to do rather than what others wanted me to...so I could start the next week or event as recharged as possible. I thought if I focused on myself first, then once I was in a good place, then I would also be able to assist others too if they needed it. That is something I felt was selfish for a long time, until I realised it helped, and that I am important too, so I am allowed to be selfish when it comes to my wellbeing.
@@AdultwithAutismI agree. I didn’t know I was masking til I got a diagnosis. I see my masking as a necessary and good thing. Recovery time is absolutely necessary and I prioritize it as well so I can go back into the world and not have a heavy mask.
I did this by accident really, at my job as time went on and they liked me and invited me to a new workplace I decided that in that workplace I'm going to be myself. And myself is a person that most of the time has a netural ( but for other more like a resting b face ^_^) and would avoid small talk as I was never interested in small talk. The saving grace is that I was always precieved as weird by pretty much everyone and because of that people really kind of accepted that he is weird so yeah it makes sense.
But what I also tried to do is to try and make an effort to actually be a part of the team and actually be there and care but not as a "mask" but as myself and I can see it working at least a little bit, and the benefit is there is no ( or at least not much) drain.
This is the best video I've seen about masking so far.
Many thanks 👍🏻
Hello Paul, you speak from my soul. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks Arno!
I really liked hearing about your own personal experiences. Most people do just go through a boring list about masking. So I enjoyed your video.
I thought I wasn't autistic because I can be social and chat and joke.
But it is an extremely heavy and exhausting mask to wear.
I know my mask is falling off when someone comes up and says "Are you all right?" Lol.
Someone told be they are making some more Dexters soon. Which would be awesome if that's true. Harrison would be 18 or 19 by now maybe?
Hi Philip, I heard that about Dexter too, fingers crossed!
Thank you so much for your videos. I'm newly diagnoses, and I was finally able to write a poem about masking, and seeing that on paper made so many of my struggles make sense.
Neurotypicals don't understand the weight of the mask. I've ruined so many holidays and social gatherings..but I've learned I have to find people I can unmask around, or else it'll be a life of pretending and chronic fatigue.
Masking so hard led me to deceitful also, and until I learned I was masking I didn't understand how people saw me as in deceitful or "shady", but I've had to find people to unmask around in order to be honest and authentic.
Hi Kendal, writing a poem is a good idea. I write songs (terribly I might add), but I found they always end up being about feeling lost or being misunderstood somehow. I also share the issue of ruining social engagements, I've been there countless times, and now don't attend at all. People think I am being miserable for not doing so, but they don't understand I am doing it so they have a good time.
"banging out random videos on TH-cam" 🤣 I love it! Also, can I just say I LOVE the fact that you are numbering your videos! I've only ever seen one other channel that did that (years ago) and I remember thinking how much more my brain seemed to like it (and that if I ever made any videos of my own, I'd definitely number them hehe...)
Haha, I have zero idea what to do when I started, and I still don't. The numbers are staying 😂
Another awesome video. I didn’t mask much in school which I probably why I was mercilessly bullied all the way through high school. I do mask a lot at work and with friends now and it is exhausting. Funny side bar, all of my hand gestures I have actually created copying from friends and actors. Those hand gestures started to come in around middle school. I guess the masking began sooner then I thought! In my home life no mask even when going to the shops. I find going to markets and the like makes me anxious so I always have sunglasses on and the fidget toy going so I can manage. IF the store is crowded there might even e some hand waving🙃. Social gatherings full on mask. I also talk a warp speed so I have to slow that down and really have to work on my focus so I don’t tune out. (ADHD). Your masking description is right on. Thanks again for posting enjoy your ramblings😀. (Really not ramblings you seem spot on in your focus.) Oh and I cry every time watching the same movies!
Oh forgot to mention future topics. Do you have meltdowns, shutdowns or burnouts? IF so do you have coping mechanisms? Do you stim?
Hi Bryan, I was reading that back thinking 'wait...did I write this?'. I do exactly the same, especially the hand gesturing...I got mine from wrestlers in the 90's! I have noted the topics and will add them to the list. Many thanks
I’m so glad to have come across your channel.I have just received my diagnosis at the age of 67.A lot to take in particularly with regard to masking ! Thank you and your videos are greatly appreciated
This is one of the best explanations of masking I have ever heard. Especially the not knowing who you are as you are this amalgamation of experiences.
Thank you, I really appreciate that.
This is one of your best videos on autism. It sucks being almost 40 and finding out you are autistic. I am knee deep in a family with kids and I have no way to escape. I actually enjoy my kids though. They don't judge like adults and are more innocent. But I can do without the birthday parties, school events, holidays, doctors appointments and all that. Luckily I work from home so I have some alone time at least. And now I know it's ok and that I'm not a crappy mom, I'm autistic. I also lied in the past to be accepted. I still lie sometimes as a defense mechanism.
I agree with one of the comments I read. This is such a good description of what masking is. I have seen far too many videos about “ you need to remove your mask”. Masking is how we Autistic people survive in a neurotypical society. The key is what you said… you need recovery time from the masking.
Removing masks isn't always an option unfortunately, but how we recharge is what we need to own 👍🏻
Thanks Paul..
I'm 57 and recently got diagnosed adhd/ ASD. I understand, I'm so beat.
You explained it perfectly!
Now.. i understand my dad's suicide. He was 29 and not properly diagnosed.
You just described my childhood to young adult area. The only difference between me and you is I recognized I was in a box of my own making. Take it from a guy who is very accomplished with a family and wealth you have to push yourself to do things you are uncomfortable with and that are inconvenient and it will make you grow. What we have is not a handicap it is a superpower that can take you to a level of knowledge and power that few others can ascertain.
Doing this will develop your unique personality and others will start trying to be like you.
The most obvious example I can remember from my childhood is during kindergarten they made us sit in a circle and each say what we wanted to be when we grew up. I had no idea. But I had to figure out what to say by the time it got to my turn.
A girl a few spaces ahead of me said they wanted to be a fireman, and everyone laughed, I thought this was because she was a girl and the job included the word “man”. So I sat there thinking of another job which had “man” at the end of it so I could make everyone laugh too. When my turn came around I said “policeman”, but no one laughed.
Later my parents mentioned that the teacher had told them what I said…it was taken seriously so I then I felt like I had to pretend it was true when I knew it wasn’t. I didn’t work towards that career but it is still something I think about every now and again.
Hey there, I’m a 19 year old with autism, and I found this really accurate!! Thank you for making this video!!
I've always been in survival mode but now I'm wearing my mask consciously to get things I want & need to keep surviving. I can tell what people want to hear or what I "should" say, so it's like mental chess, which I find kind of fun. Since psychological warfare is an interest of mine, I can be "fake" while still being myself.
Ha! I found a loophole. BITCHES!
Idk why I added that last part. Humor probably doesn't translate in text.
In many ways, we've cracked the code of communication. But instead of using it to an advantage, we use it for less resistance and a quieter life...hopefully.
This is helpful god it makes sense! It’s hard isn’t it! Very overwhelming. Feels like no one would understand it. Made me cry 😿 but happy tears not sad ones 😄
Glad it helped, even if there were tears!
Thanks Paul. So relate to this: mimicking aspects of different people - even accents - and characters in different situations.
No problem at all 👍🏻
I, too, always wondered at the various youtube videos of masking which didn't describe how it worked. For me, part of the mechanism is that I'm looking at myself from the outside, all different perspectives. Those are the ways other people are that you think are supposed to be, too. In one situation I'd be like one person, in a different one like another. Playing roles and thinking that is you. It doesn't feel heavy as much as it feels fragmented, like confusion, always tentative, exhausting, checking yourself, etc. Or going along with a group's mindset of what to think and act. But on the inside I generally disagree with the group's mindset. Maybe a way to preserve my own soul, I've been an internal contrarian while I try not to make waves. Then the mask slips and people see me as negative, as defensive, or as a wave maker.
Before I discovered that I'm autistic, I assumed it was always like that for me an others . After I discovered it, I had no idea what unmasking would look like. Since I didn't know anything else.
Now, unmasking for me means looking through my own eyes, using my own judgment and even not having to argue internally so much with internalized others, just letting go of what they think altogether since it's not my job to figure that out. Thinking about others, what to say to them, or what I said, they said, etc. is just something to let go of. Living life on my own terms is something I can do when in my own space or in public spaces where I don't know people sometimes if I remember.
In some situations I'll still mask since it's easier and better if you think about how others see you. The idea that one should stop masking and be somehow pure seems impractical to me.
Thank you for bringing this to the fore, it always seemed that the subject of masking was lacking something. Great discussion, as usual.
No problem. And thank you for your interpretation. I intend on doing a Masking series in the future, to try and figure mine out 👍🏻
12:31 I know it's probably weird to other people, but I REALLY appreciate that you don't swear. I find it aggressive and scary. So thank you. Even though I know it might be hard to not.
13:29 I've been masking so long even when I'm alone I'm still uncomfortable and scared to do it.
20:02 lol I used to speak so fast no one understood me. But I feel like I'm talking in slow motion 😅
25:37 the pain yes! I've been to so many specialists for back pain join pain in general and no one knows! But I'm learning that when Im burning out all the physical pain get so much worse then the regular day stuff. Man thank you so much for these videos!
26:44 watching your videos has helped me realized the harder I try to keep working as hard as I was to always be there for my family is actually having a negative effect. Like I'm burnt out ever day and it makes me angry and irritable then it takes one thing to set me off and I literally put myself in a time out then I feel shame and awful for even getting upset. I can't even work anymore. Sorry just thank you for helping me see me better.
Just glad you find the videos helpful in parts 👍🏻
I love this video. AuDHD here, the irony here is that I have related so much that I have assimilated this as my own. Seriously will be drawing upon concepts to help explain my mask to my family. Thanks
This is the best explanation of the lived experience of autistic masking (personality “lying” to survive) on the Internet today. Thank you. ❤️
Thanks Christa, much appreciated!
Get up there son! Lol I want to get into the autism research/evals/presentations switching from a career in HR/Accounting. Truth be told, I have nowhere to start. Some people say it’s just a masters vs phd. In my autistic mind….I’m part of the 12.5% of autistics who got a bachelors….Which I’d been after on/off for 17yrs. It’s my thought that the only people truly qualified to evaluate/diagnosis should have autism themselves. The psychotherapist who dx’d me-I-made sure she was autistic. 100000%
A lot of people who make decisions in Autism, simply aren't autistic so cannot know how it 'feels'. The before and after of events, the thought process etc.
I'll take an Autistic person with zero qualifications but clear rationale over a non autistic person with the highest qualification to make decisions within Autism.
I've been a trainer and I have Autism, all I need is the point I'm trying to discuss and an argument for it. If you want to do it, I absolutely agree you're the right person to do it...yet another obstacle put in place by non Autistics to dictate the state of play.
As you can clearly tell...it's a trigger for me 😂
Been doing years of research, my life, asked my wife to look for things I may not notice. After all this time, and hearing so many people talk about their experiences, I feel as though I’m on the spectrum as well as dealing with untreated CPTSD. Im 30 and through this journey I’ve learned so much about myself. Asking all kind of questions, reanalyzing so many situations, interactions, my sudden migraines, insomnia, and stomach issues that cropped up in my early 20’s. That feeling I’ve always had of “it seems like everyone else knows something about me that I dont, and they wont tell me”. So many thing my entire life I thought that just made me weird and quirky and different and why no one ever stays in my life minus very very few people, who also have issues and have no one else, though we’re distant for our own reasons but still care for each other and understand. But like I was saying, all of those I knew about myself and were aware of, I never knew that one day I’d come across a bunch of strangers online describing my entire existence with ASD and CPTSD. I want to go get an official diagnosis, but man it’s too damn much. My fiancée has ADHD pretty severe, we’re finding this out about me and have questions now, we want kids, but now we dont know what to prepare for, should we prepare, how should we? Would a diagnosis make it hard for me to work in the future? Would people treat me even more differently if it is the case? Will anyone believe me after this long? Will it be more isolated than my life already is? I’m questioning reality as I knew it. And what sucks is despite all the work I did, everything I’ve heard, everything I’ve seen, felt, and resonate with inside myself, it’s still going to be years before I’ll even be able to afford a diagnosis. And when will that be? Late 30’s, early 40’s? Will it even matter? Does it matter now? Should I say forget since I made it this far and just keep pushing? Am I going crazy? Do I sound relatable to anyone who does know for themselves? Should I try when I can? If I can? I’m really confused at this point in my life and tbh have been disassociating a bit. Ive just been in deep thought for a bit now. Idk. It’s like everything is suddenly becoming so clear from this perspective, but I’m still trying to disprove it to myself, but keep finding more evidence to back it up. It’s definitely in my moms side of the family. Idk it’s like my mind sees everything in patterns and everything is supposed to have a place. When they dont, it messes with me and I have to find answers. No doctors have ever been able to figure out the things I deal with. All I’ve gotten was poked and prodded and put into every machine for them to say “we dont know, try another specialist”. The last few months all of the pieces have been starting to fit after 3-4 years. At least from my experiences in life and finding all of this. All of the looking into ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, BPD, Schizophrenia, so many things to see what I could relate to. Something so I can finally say I’m sure this is what’s happening, I need to go see this person, and tells them all of my reasoning with all of my evidence through life and what others have said, just everything I’ve collected and organized with the solid reasonings behind them. Specific memories that have stuck with me from many different things. Things I experience in my daily life, my schooling history, all of the tests I’ve gone through, my own research and finding. Geez, sorry for all of that. I really got no one to go to truthfully and I dont want to dump all of this on my fiancée, she’s dealt with me and this journey for years now, bless her soul. Im overwhelmed, numb, and kinda zoned out but really intent in thought with all of this. I’ve been very internal? Does that make sense? Idk maybe my mask is slowly coming off for the first time subconsciously with everything that’s been hitting me lately. I dont feel like how I used to, but I dont feel bad…just different. Separate from myself but here? I dont have words for it. There’s just so damn much going through me all while theres this big nothing overlapping it. Is that disassociating? I’m assuming so? I’ve never really felt it before. Felt num. empty. Distant. This is something new though, so the words don’t exist for me quite yet. It’s like everything I was sure I knew, I m found out may not be the case. I think about all the times I was abused, taken advantage of, gas lit. And when I say taken advantage of, I mean like they had malicious intent. I own up to my own actions and wont blame others for my failures and play victim. But even the special interest thing got me. I didn’t know that was a thing. I thought I obsessed over my hobbies and interests. I learned that term 3 weeks ago. And it fits. My what you’d call “stimms”, the rigid routines and everything. Like I said it’s like hearing a bunch of strangers from across the world tell me my life story, but it’s theirs too. So idk where to go from here. Im also experiencing enormous self doubt like im being a hypochondriac and fooled myself. Idk…im asking for help here. Sorry if this is all over the place, I’m literally typing my thoughts as they enter my head and that’s what you’re seeing here. Im letting the world take a look into my deepest thoughts right now and it’s scary af, but idk where else to turn. Even with the few people in my life I feel alone in this and I dont want to burden them when they’re dealing with their own mental health and lives. I’m not sure if anything anymore. Im really not. And no im not depressed or in danger of harming myself. Nothing like that at all. It’s just a lot to think about and to consider for the future. It feels like a veil has been lifted and I can see everything so much differently, but idk what I should be looking, at, who, where, if I should be looking for something. Idk. Like I said idk how to describe this other than with word vomit. To be honest, with all of this making no sense to me, i cant expect any of you to know. But do I at least seem to be going in the right direction? Cause I feel crazy now lmao It’s so funny, scary, weird, and indescribable all at once. And again, it’s not even like …bad? Or negative? It’s something. Just new and I haven’t figured it out yet. But even things in my personal life. For 4 years I told myself I was going to give my fiancée an amazing proposal (which did eventually work exactly as I hoped), but the anxiety was so much I could. She even said multiple times (she didn’t know I was already thinking of it) if I ever proposed it would be an automatic yes. Even hearing that for years I could only think “she’s playing with you. It’s a trick. She’s lying. She’ll never say yes to you. She could never love you.” Even though everything happening right in front of me was proving the exact opposite. I cant make doctors appointments without help. She has tk drive to new places until I’m familiar with it before I’ll drive. I wont go places if I dont know everything about it first otherwise I get to nervous and overwhelmed to leave the house. Sometimes i cant even go the mailbox. Some days, im just fine. Those are goodish days. I wont sleep over anyones house, I dont like company unless I want you to be there. I plan every aspect of my life. It used to infuriate my fiancée until we learned a lot of this. She think a lot of it makes sense and has been watching me look into so much for years incessantly. She knows I’m not the type to say or think something without an overwhelming amount of facts and evidence. I dont believe things I cant make a solid argument for. I wouldn’t think something that’s not true after over a decade of asking questions and looking which I eventually had to take into my own hands because the experts had no answers but kept sending me a bill. I couldn’t afford it, honestly. Well, this is where I am in life. Yes, still functioning and working cause I have to. But really my mind snd body really dont want to anymore and im gets more and more burnt out, my emotions have been just idk. Im okay then crying then okay then crying while reflecting on my life. I’m really just going through the motions with smile plastered on my face as my empty batteries somehow continue to drain. I’m running on sheer willpower and nothing else. My resilience is kinda fading though. Been seriously thinking of taking a few days off work and trying stay home and maybe play some nostalgic games from my childhood or maybe pick up a book or something. I haven’t touched my musical instruments in months, my poor bass has been collecting dust and the strings and frets are so dull and ugh. Tbh my house is a mess. My fiancée has been trying to keep up, but ai told her to just rest, she needs it too. So much is catching up to me and I’m noticing so many things I never realized before or I see them from a different angle and just idk. Maybe this is one of those existential things? Not really a crisis. But realization? Or at least something I really really really connect with. Idm it feels like this is the place where I can talk tk people who I actually get and understand and I hope understand where I’m coming from. Also, ik I use wife and fiancée, my brain does it sometimes cause we’re engaged but I see her as my wife already to clear that up.
Don't apologise for sharing. Sometimes we get overwhelmed and just need to get it out. All you can do is one thing at a time, no matter how many things there are too do. List them, create priorities high to low, focus on the most important, and only the things you can actually control. It might not cure the world, but it will start to make a dent into it, and the more productive we are, the better it can feel. I wish you well 👍🏻
When you said that it is uncomfortable for you that your mate acts differently with his wife around, I think that's very telling. NTs wear masks all the time too, but somehow ours are seen as pathological. We are constantly expected to accomodate those around us, and then attacked for doing it wrong if we don't do it perfectly. I think we are just conscious of it, while they are oblivious.
That's a very good point! For some, it's just who they are. For us, there has to be a reason.
your videos are very informative, thank you.
This was very helpful for me. Thank you. 💜
Thank you so much for this. The analogy of weight to the mask makes so much sense. When I'm around anyone for any length of time I get so tired mirroring them so I'm accepted/don't stand out/am not seen. Like yourself I've masked most of my adult life and its only the past couple of years I've realised just how ingrained it is, to the point of not really knowing who I am. And I guess this is why I spend so much time in my bedroom....
That was the hardest part, trying to unstick the mask, finding what was really me and what was an extension of someone else. That took a long time to take part and a lot of self discovery.
I was diagnosed a couple of weeks ago at the age of 59. Someone recommended one of your videos in a FB group so I watched and found it very useful. I've now began to watch all your videos from oldest to newest. It was interesting in this one that you mentioned you was a fan of Dexter as it is one of my all time favourite programmes.
I've done a whole video dedicated to Dexter too 😂
@@AdultwithAutism oh cannot wait for that one! On a visit to New York for my 50th birthday I found out that Michael C Hall was starring in a play on Broadway. I was so obsessed with Dexter that I just had to go and see it. The play was shite like but I was still in my element 😂
Haha, I'd be the same. I've watched every show he's been in since just because he was Dexter!
You alright? This is so good, seen half, you’re doing a great job explaining!!!!
Coming back to it later and to make a comment or 94. 😬🙈
Only 94? Haha
for me, when i look in someone's eyes I no longer can think, I lose the stream of conversation.. i don't feel they're 'seeing' me I just feel like a deer caught in headlights.. i can't explain it exactly what happens but my other senses go away
also, since I was a kid, i learned their birthdays, still today and I'm in my late 50s i still remember every friend, cousin and i remember their birthdays
If you meet one autistic person, you've me one autistic person
Love your videos, you voice and accent too! Thanks so much.. it' not easy to find older autistic voices (or at least i cant find them)
Thank you 👍🏻
I just found you on TH-cam by chance, this video really hit home with me. I'm not officially diagnosed but my 8 year old son has been recently and going through his paperwork to get him tested really turned on a light bulb for me and that I more then likely have autism also.
This video is pretty much how I feel I've gone through life with out even knowing it.
I avoid interacting with people as much as possible, because I struggle with communicating and quite frankly caring what others want to talk about. In fact I had a coworker comment just the other day how we have worked together for 6 years and he knows nothing about me other then that I have a wife and kids. And it's not that I don't want to make friends I just can't bring myself to interact to people so I just keep my mask on and avoid having to talk to people as much as possible.
Sorry for the rambling it always sounds better in my head then when the words are actually out.
But mainly I want to see great job and keep it up I've binged the first 9 videos and alt of what you talk about is how I feel also 👍
Hi Matthew, happy to hear it helped somehow.
Never worry about how things come out, you've seen my videos and my waffle! 👍🏻
Thank you.
No problem.
Wonderful. Thanks!
👍🏻
Your content is really great mate! I work at a residential home for autistic children and I have an autistic colleague.
Thank you.
Great stuff man… you’re bang on the money!
Keep doing your thing 🙏
Cheers Ryan. Appreciated 👍🏻
I'm glad that you got around to saying it but I was immediately thinking when I started watching his video, having taken a stab at making my own content to discuss autism even without a face cam if I am attempting to interact with someone I am wearing a mask. There is no singular moment I can identify in my entire life, even with my significant other of 7 years, and my psychologist even where I have been completely maskless. There is a learned hyperfocused awareness of when people are observing you when you're autistic that triggers masking. The closest I get is when I am completely absorbed in a physical task while listening to music loud enough that I cannot hear anything in my environment and no outside factors from my task are drawing my attention. Then, in that fragile, very specific environment and condition, you might see me bob my head and dance a little in my chair or between tasks.
Touching on selfishness is also a big thing and perhaps something you might want to try and discuss in a future video. The concept of self and how autistic people function in society between being selfish and selfless is a very intriguing topic to think about. It takes rigorous mental preparation and jumping through hoops to be even the slightest bit selfish in my experience. Even right now as I type this I lost the battle of being selfish on a small task; picking something up at the store. I committed yesterday to asking my SO to do it instead. I could do it, and in fact ultimately will be doing it, but I used it as an exercise in trying to be a little more me-focused. Would doing it be an inconvenience? Yeah, but it has to be done. And because it has to be done I'd do it. But it is a good exercise on something inconsequential.
Hi Remy, good idea. I will do a video about being selfish, as I need to break it down sometimes to remind myself that I am allowed to be selfish when it comes to me and my primary needs...and that it isn't selfishness! I'll get it on the list.
I wonder if that’s why home is so important for me!
No better place to be yourself and recharge .
Awesome post, loved it ❤
Thank you 👍🏻
It's a good video, because it's an honest one without embellishments. Thank you for it.
I personally think everyone masks, everyone is not the same sitting on the toilet and sitting at the desk at work. In my view, it is just that the autistic suffer more because of the exhausting loss of genuineness that wearing the mask causes, whereas other people might just take those masks for who they are, not being aware of how depleting wearing the falsehood might be for them. They just ascribe their feelings of tiredness and exhaustion to some other causes. Maybe. I don't really know.
True. Most people I meet are masking, whether it's because they are showing off, protecting themselves, disagree with my outcomes for work because they take it personally and not professionally etc. But I just know I don't have a choice if I want to get through my day. Most mask to try to show themselves in a certain light, I need to do it to leave the house.
Shit, I'm even wearing a mask in my profile pic... But seriously, so much of this makes sence. In school, I just slept or hid in the back of class cause I didn't want to be disturbed (still can't believe most of my teachers let me sleep), I'd much rather stay quiet than have a conversation, but if I am having one I'm only interested in certain things, and if I'm not interested I'll just zone out (another reason I slept in school). I'm quite reclusive and prefer to be alone, it's been over 2 months since I've actually seen my mom, she lives a few miles from me.
I wonder if the reason autistic people have trouble having their picture taken is because of the mask? Interesting...
Definitely understand the lack of interest in conversation although I'll forever be told that it is an essential part of my mental wellbeing to engage in them. But the conversations outside of interests aren't!
I always enjoy your videos. I don't understand the concept of masking. I think I show ifferent versions of myself in differenime are a bit more formal. I try to think back to when I was much younger to remember whether I learned to mask. I was never popular, so perhaps I never learned and people always thought I was weird.
My masks are just different characters I have build through the years. Always building new ones to add to the collection 👍🏼
Whats "a Dexter"? I dont really watch much tv in past 20 years plus i realise British is eight hours ahead and totally different.....we are separated by a common language ...I speak American and Scouse dialect and a few other basic languages but ive always loved the Manchester dialect...i dunno how fast you speak, so ive nothing to compare ....
thankyou so very much for your insights tonight
..😊🎉
Dexter is an American TV series. But you'd need to know about it to understand the reference 👍🏻
Fantastic video, Paul. What you're doing here for us autistic folk is priceless!
So long as its alright for even one person, then I'll keep doing them.
I feel ya
👍🏻
Why do they make cars that go over the speed limit? I’ve legit asked this question many times 😂
Great minds think alike 👍🏻
So in the beginning you were like a sponge ?
Tried to learn what I could about myself 👍🏻