I’ve always felt so insecure about my “boring” personality because I wasn’t fun and bubbly like the people around me. I’ve always been quiet and reserved, usually because my brain is busy taking in all the information in my environment! It’s only been very recently and since my autism diagnosis that I’ve realised I don’t need to be the fun and energetic person, my traits of being quiet, introspective and empathetic are equally as valuable and my friends are often appreciative of my genuine interest in their lives and ability to listen empathetically to them :)
I have also been masking since 3. In my mid-twenties now. I remember consciously thinking “I’m going to stop living based on what I want, and start living to please my family.” This has lead to burnout and mental health issues. This was so healing to hear!
Autistics starting to mask at such an early age shows, in my opinion, that theory of mind and empathy is not the crucial part of autism as some believe. You have to have a good understanding of the thinking and feeling of others to mask. I'm a heavy masker and it is so hard to unmask but I have to say I probably started making at around 8-10 years as far as I can remember. I did have delayed development of theory of mind but I did develop it eventually.
I have VERY vivid memories of trying to imitate the "popular" girls when I was in elementary school. Learned all of my social skills thru mimickry, I'm almost 30 and still struggling to figure out which parts are me, and which parts were just imitating others to blend in.
I've had a lot of success masking, but it leaves me extremely unfulfilled emotionally and socially. I was diagnosed a month ago after strongly suspecting I had autism for a few years and no one, myself included, knows the "real me". I feel like there's nowhere I can truly escape to and I'm left exhausted and unsure how to help myself when I'm overwhelmed. Videos like this have been fantastic though and shown me from the perspective of another autistic person steps I can take to find ways to unwind from this performance and relax for the first time in a very very long time. It feels so relieving to tell my family, friends or my boyfriend how I feel accurately and to have them understand me a little better and be able to support me as I learn how to live happily while autistic. Thanks Ella :)
This is my story. Thank you for making this comment. I was diagnosed two weeks ago and am looking forward to discovering who I am. When I was early teens I decided I didn’t like my pessimistic personality and challenged myself to flip every response I made into a positive one, a very rewarding experience for a very long time. The down side is long term dysthymia growing into major depressive disorder from emotional repression. Hopefully through this I can move in a more positive and healthy direction.
@@nhenderson2094 Wow...I can see how that would have been a rewarding experience for a long time, and being able to do so at all seems incredible to me...I don't think I could ever have pulled that off. Trying to respond affirmatively to people in a conversation is so exhausting. I went into full MDD for several years myself, and you know, it did follow a period where I was interacting with a lot of people for my job, and having to be as positive as I could. Thanks for the food for thought.
When it comes to unmasking, I feel like I'm unable to because I don't feel safe unmasking any place that isn't home. If I do unmask anywhere else, it's unintentional and probably due to being unable to cope in a situation. I hope to one day be able to unmask and be my authentic self, but since I spent so long masking as a late-diagnosed person that I'm unsure if I can unmask.
The only way to do that is to stop caring what other people think about you. That’s the “impossible” task ahead for most of us. As a 48 yr old self diagnosed autistic, it may never happen. I still have trouble even around my friends and family. And, for some reason, I especially get nervous and awkward around teenagers, especially girls. Maybe the trauma from school keeps triggering these feelings.
Especially at home, around family and old friends. I find it difficult to unmask. As Ella says, pushing down discomfort in order to be the person they signed up for.
Masking has been a big issue with my 9 year old daughter she masks terrible in school, very shy and quite but she bottles everything up and explodes when she comes home which has made getting support for her hard. I even noticed she masks around her brother and sister and tries to make them think she likes all the stuff they do in order to fit in. The only time she's unmasked and comfortable is when it's just me and her
I feel this so much, I mask all the time, even around my partner, without even realizing. But it is so exhausting it builds up and I explode eventually.
Masking is still big issue for me. I feel like a boget in Harry Potter I’m true shape shifter i with my friend I do it less but it still happens. It very draining and overwhelming. I also find my myself information dumping and talk over people not to be rude but because i struggle with auditory input And what to listen to as I hear every little Noise, my vision is bad to so visual so I cant use constant eye and read much non verbal body language as I gets confusing and it painful.
Although you have to keep in mind that people mask because our society treats ND people so badly, sadly I see a lot of professionals that victim blame autistic people for masking when that person is actually doing so because they get bullied, excluded or attacked when they don't.
It’s great that she is able to unmask around you, but she needs to be herself most of the time or she will suffer greatly in the long term. Try to educate and include her siblings in this, and keep assuring your little one that she is valuable and special and loved very much just for being her. Best of luck 💕
The motto I had when I was growing up was, "It's okay if I suffer, as long as my family and friends don't." I thought it was the perfect solution for everything. Now, as I discover my autistic self, I realize how draining that was over the years. My mental health is basically...sh*t! Thank you for posting these videos. It's nice to hear other people have the same experience. P.s. I've often wonder why I like your newer videos than your old videos (I found your channel recently and have been binging). I think it's because you are more Ella as you continue to unmask.
I think I experience masking in a way where i’ve done it for so long that i’m unsure of what is masking for me and what isn’t. It’s really difficult for me as i’m unfortunately a natural people pleaser and have mirrored personalities since i could talk, so i’ve constantly been changing for others and it’s left me with this dilemma of what is masking for me. I also don’t really feel comfortable with stimming around people except a few, none of them being my family unfortunately. I hope everyone who’s struggling with masking figures out how to find a balance though!
I'm not sure exactly for how much of my life I was masking, but I noticed that in the past year, after getting to know more people on the spectrum, understanding better what being on the spectrum actually means, and becoming at peace with the fact that I'm on the spectrum (a fact I was trying to run away from before), I started to mask significantly less. I don't force myself to look at people in the eye, I let myself position myself weirdly in the room, I don't try not to stim, I no longer force myself to be more engaged in a conversation than I actually am, I don't try to say socially expected things to people if I'm not comfortable, etc.
Gosh how i relate, thank you so much. I am awaiting my referral at 33 & ive done many tests at home. After a life of trauma and masking... i finally have the answer that ive longed for. Ive been unconsciously un-masking after quitting alcohol, thinking it was about just trauma and healing. I didn't even consider.. that maybe I'd masked Autism so successfully that id even fooled myself. Until the burn-out. These past few days have been the awakening I needed. I also never knew how much my hormones could push me over the edge if Im not mindful.. much to digest. Thank you Ella, what a wonderful channel
Gosh. That second adolescence thing is so true. After having discovered that I am an autistic ADHD limerent bipolar schizophrenic and everything else in between, I am now on the process if undoing and repairing everything that went wrong for me growing up from 12-31 years old. I am 32 now and on the process of finding my authentic, traumatized teen self and loving him harder and stronger than anyone in my life (myself included) ever did. Peace to all who are in this plight. ❤️
I love the idea of a personal 'Ella' journal! It can be so overwhelming to realize just how much of yourself you've changed to appease others, like peeling an onion and finding layer after layer of masking. After a while, it gets so meta that I second guess every single thing I've ever liked and done haha! Who even am I?!? This is a good way to find your 'True North' as a person and keep it all straight in your head
I'm in burn out now. I'm in my mid twenties and and it FING SUCCCKKS. I did all the things you did. I can't mask well now and feel like a complete weirdo, even more so when I didn't fit it in school. But at least now I know what's going on. I'm slowly learning to be myself.
Hi, I've just discovered your canal and I am delighted by the simplicity of your films: no background music, no sudden "fireworks" and you are talking in a such constructive way. Thanks a lot, now I'm going to dive in ;) greetings from Poland
You are so well-spoken, and the compassion toward yourself in this journey shines through. It is obvious that your self acceptance is already blossoming, because this video was so honest and authentic. Thank you for sharing your experience and inspiring others who feel the same.
Another of your videos that rings true for me! I'm in the (very slow) process of unmasking, and a lot of the time I am asking myself "who am I, actually?" I went through almost 60 years of life before starting to reach the conclusion that I'm autistic and ADHD. 60 years-worth of masking layers, imagine it! 6 years later and it is still very much a work in progress. I have to unmask to myself before I can unmask in the world. It's like peeling a boiled egg when the shell is firmly stuck to the egg 🙄
Im late diagnosed with autism and ADD, a bit like you. I got my diagnose about 6 years ago. Im 48 years old now. And its only in the recent year i really started taking my neurodivergent challenges serious. After a lifetime of struggling with loneliness, depression, rejection... But god damn, its a long rough journey. Im thankfull for where I am right now, and so thankfull for wonderfull persons like you sharing and helping like you do. I watched a lot if your videos, and everything you say just resonates with me. Thank you so, so much.
This is so relatable for me and I hear many ASD folk! I used to think this was normal. Even though my bff's would tell me they don't do that when I'd open up about taking on traits of certain characters. I didn't believe them because my family had several gaslighting champs that would lie whenever embarrassed. So I thought ppl all did this but just were too embarrassed to admit it. Lol 🤣 I love the self acceptance of the genuine self! I don't think it's wrong to not show al of yourself when doing something like TH-cam videos. But there's a difference between having an appropriate and polite social behavior and completely masking. For me this was confusing because I thought they were the same. When I was tired of masking as a teen I just was honest about not getting the point of polite things that have no obvious lasting benefit to anyone. Saying "thank you" when someone compliments your shoes felt silly...they didn't give me my shoes, their opinion isn't going to change my day....and I didn't think it should change theirs if I say the same. But learning the balance is a perpetual experience. 😄
listening to this is so helpful, I can feel my body relaxing slightly (I am alone at home). I think I will have to learn to unmask on my own first, before trying it anywhere else. Like you say, it is a journey, and I wish us all self compassion while we find our way. Thanks Ella!
I just turned 37 and and only recently discovering I'm most likely on the spectrum. I've been observing how I feel and act closely and seeing little things I've been doing that are stims and how I've been masking those stims. It's been really revealing. I don't beat myself up anymore for actually needing almost daily naps. My anxiety and irritability is more easily managed now I know what I'm looking for and what triggers it. Ella, you've been a big part of me discovering these things with your videos along with a couple of others y'all are the first resource I've used to discover more about how to avoid burnout and meltdowns. I'm so grateful for this TH-cam community.
Observe how you are when with friends. At times I will copy my friends’ personality traits to see if it would help. No such luck. I will probably be masking for the rest of my life.
Purple Ella, one of the things that keeps me coming back to your channel is your authenticity! Thank you. This video feels really validating of my own unmasking journey, which shares a lot of similarities with your own, but has some interesting curve-balls as well (especially, beginning to unmask during the emerging-from-lockdown phase of the pandemic). I am very grateful for the autastic (sp is correct) community here on YT, and for me your channel is a big part of that.
I relate so much to this especially about not being the you your husband signed up to , I’ve been married for 27 years but I’m right at the start of my autism journey and I’m really scared of what unmasking may do to my marriage although bits of me keep leaking out as my mask is broken, but I’m clinging on to it as like another commenter said I don’t feel safe anywhere to take it of. Also if I take it off I really have no idea who me is although I’m fairly certain she likes penguins , books and hiding under blankets. Please don’t change how and what you do ..sure there are a ton of people speaking on autism now but so many are men, or in the USA or much younger than me so as an over 40 female in the UK I really really appreciate your content and find the fact you share so honestly really helpful.
A freshly diagnosed 50+ AuDHD person, I really don't know how much of me is mask and how much is aspects of my conditions. I broke last year when my predominantly self imposed "task list" became too great. I still feel that I have "Value" in doing things rather than "worth" as a person. My wife of 32 years disagrees, but I don't know if she has seen through to "me".
@@julianmorrin6999 it’s very hard when you are first diagnosed as suddenly you don’t know who on earth you are any more or who the real you is ..7 months on from diagnosis I’m still not sure but the best thing I have done is talk to other autistic people and when you find commonality slowly you feel a bit more comfortable and bits of real you will appear. It’s quite hard to explain and I think it will take time as there are many things I can’t show for fear of ruining relationships especially with my husband, , maybe those of us who are late diagnosed will never feel able to be 100% us . I completely understand how you feel your value comes from what you do not who you are , I think friends and partners see us very differently to the way we see ourselves because of our different wiring, like you my value is centred on things I can measure almost like a self imposed service level and if I don’t meet that I feel a failure..I guess it’s just part of having a different operating system , I tell people I run non Linux in a Microsoft world working in IT it’s the best approximation I can find for what it feels like to be autistic.
My daughter masked throughout primary school especially when it came to learning. Last year at aged 14 1/2 we had the diagnosis of ASD. I was the most surprised she was autistic as I was convinced she had attention deficit disorder (she wasn’t hyperactive)! I didn’t pick up on it being autism at all (I have an uncle, half brother & nephew with ASD, my daughter was not like them). My daughter really struggled academically & after years of begging & pleading with teachers for more support from primary school & not getting much help & then starting yr 7 secondary school with problems continuing (to then when the self harming started) we have we finally been listened to…. Many assessments later with the findings of Auditory processing disorder, dyspraxia, dyscalculia & autistic traits were discovered….then having to beg & plead for an ehcp & 2 years later was then awarded. This then enabled us to apply for a transfer to a school that provided specialist resource provision within a mainstream school but only after missing the best part of yr7 & yr8 due to covid lockdowns which exacerbated the learning issues/anxieties/mental health plus lack of support from school & by the time the ehcp was finalised at the start of yr9 we found that the named school on the ehcp was the school we wanted to take her out of! They’d made a mistake upon completion but In order to correct it we had to appeal to the courts! Whilst waiting for the appeal we tried to work with the (crappy) school but quickly found that they were still not onboard (even after the ehcp was awarded & LD’s were diagnosed/identified) were not willing to give any more support that they claimed they were giving albeit my daughter was still struggling, or any one to one teaching in core subjects. We even had a private educational psychologist report done which stated that she was so far behind academically (like a yr3 or yr4 in many categories) he recommended one to one but they were not going to give it to her as they liked students to learn to work independently😂 This left us with no choice but to pull her out of the (crappy) school & wait for the appeal from the courts to change it to the school that was more suitable. So she missed pretty much the first 3 years of secondary school! She started her new school in year 10 & although is happier has lost the foundation stage. Almost like she went from being a little 11 year old girl in primary school (which is fun) in to year 10, a 15 year old preparing for her GCSEs 😢
People pleasing, in my opinion, Is one of many driving forces that leads to masking with autism. I always want people around me to feel happy and safe, which is hard to stop (I'm late diagnosed).
I definitely would agree that that's also the case with myself. Masking/People pleasing aka "trying to appear normal so people won't notice how different/weird I am" to a degree where it hurt my mental and eventually my physical health... :( But then I learned (when I was in my personality-test phase) that in the "Big 5" test autistic people statistically have a _lower_ than average agreeableness (and agreeableness is basically _the_ personality trait that leads to people pleasing). That confused me. I'm full of self doubt all the time anyway so I (self-suspected autistic, currently in the diagnostic process) thought "maybe I'm not autistic and it's just 99 different reasons why I share so many autistic features/problems?" Then I thought, maybe it's also a bit sex related. Men (who still make up the majority of diagnosed autistics) are on average less agreeable than women. So maybe hence the "Big 5" statistic and maybe this is in general the reason why women tend to mask more too...? Just some thoughts...
@@anniestumpy9918 I really think its all down to socialisation. I was always pushed into social situations where I was expected to respond and comply. I believe men as young boys are allowed to be socially distant shall we say.
I only just discovered I'm autistic a year ago at age 31, and everything you shared in this video makes me feel better about the unmasking journey, which I've only just begun. I relate so much to some of your thoughts and experiences--when you mentioned letting yourself just be and act on instinct rather than "putting on a smile and trying to be likeable and interesting and fun all the time" I really felt that one deeply!
I'm a 59 yrs old autistic, not diagnosed .Few people love me , many hate me, I'm fine with that, just keep being sincere to others and specially to yourself. And if you really fell the need for companionship get a pet. I have five cats myself.
we love you just how you are❤being your authentic self is not only freeing for you, but also for the people like me who look up to you as a role model.
Unmasking is such a privilege that unfortunately not everyone has. In a perfect or even a more decent world everyone would be able to unmask, no problem.
I remember when I started college (over 25 years ago now!) feeling very free because no one knew who I was. I felt like, for the first time, I could be more of who I wanted to be And not be forced to behave how others wanted/expected me to. In many ways it was very liberating, though I see now how much I was still masking. A few months ago my oldest son moved out and started his own college career. He is struggling, and a few weeks in, his school therapist called and said ‘your son exhibits a lot of behaviors consistent with autism’. Interestingly, his period of self discovery became another one for me as I came to realize that he wasn’t the only one in our family! Lately, I’ve been experimenting with stimming. I’ve had to take on additional part-time work, which has been bery overwhelming, but I found that when I was alone, I could stim, and it felt good. But I still don’t feel like I could do it in public, or sometimes even around my wife. We are constantly forced to choose between being ourselves or offending those around is and suffering negative consequences. So many behaviors that are natural and normal to me are problematic at work. I am lucky to have a lot of privacy and flexibility at my day job, and some neurodivergent friends who are accepting. But it is still nice to watch these videos and read people’s posts and feel the kinship and acceptance of the autistic community! Thanks to all of you for being you and sharing it with me.
So you know I watch other autistic and adhd contents from other more “successful “ creators but at the end of the day I find most comfort in yours Ella. It’s the struggle and honesty you put out there. I’ve experienced just about the same and it gives me relief, hope and even joy! I’m so happy to see you happy! ♥️
“I feel like I’m having a second adolescence.” That resonates with me and I couldn’t describe the feeling better. Thanks for putting words to the feeling. 🙌👽
On my third or fourth date with my current boyfriend (going on 4 years soon), I caught myself acting in a way I hadn't since I was a child. I began passionately rambling about Silent Hill symbolism and the legacy of the survival horror genre, something I would NEVER do in front of anyone else for fear of being given the dreaded "gamer" label. I went ALL OUT too, any autistic person can probably relate. That rising feeling in your lungs as you endlessly spew your thoughts on your favorite subject, making it almost hard to breathe. He mentioned that he'd never seen me act that way, and I was TERRIFIED that I had messed up, I thought "No no no, I didn't play my role correctly, I messed up my lines." But he said he liked it. He loved how passionate I sounded, how knowledgeable I was on a topic that he'd never ever known about. He asked for more. He asked questions, he listened to me, he chimed in with his own interests and thoughts and experiences. He treated me as an equal, and for the first time in my life my interests were validated, even when I endlessly rambled like an exasperated child. For the first time in my adult life I was naturally, without thought, being MYSELF. That person I was desperately trying to push down for years, that person I thought was "wrong", he loved. He helped me become me.
thank you Ella!! As a small online creator this is very validating. Sometimes I feel like I need to be like the more successful ones in order to be seen and accepted. But I remember that I just need to Be myself. It's way easier and freeing. I matter just the way I am. Being true to myself attracts people who are true to themselves too, and I want them as my friends 💞 authenticity is the best
Thank you Ella! I'm learning a lot here .. I'm self diagnosed for a couple of months now...and finally understand why I never wanted to work full time, never wanted to keep a job for long, was always hiding in books , studying and doing courses .. I only wish I could talk about it so elaborately! Still loads to learn.. ❤️
I just got diagnosed yesterday and when you were talking about pushing down discomfort to fit in and what it leads to, it was like looking at a mirror. I'm so glad you made this video, thank you!
Thank you for this video. I've been diagnosed at the age of 27, so hearing you've also been diagnosed later in life made it feel a lot more personal. And I agree 100% with you. I am currently aware of my masking and am working on understanding it and finding tools to help myself.
You're the best Purple! We all struggle with comparing ourselves to others, but few are brave enough to say it out loud. Keep being your warm and authentic self my friend. Cheers! 😊
Yes! This makes so much sense! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! The fact is I realized today listening to this I had not just one mask but a thousand different ones in attempts to make something work that never did. Wow. Lots to think about, lots to continue unshedding.
This is so articulate and relatable!!! Wow re the taking on Autistic Person Mask. You probably saved many people that step! Just by talking about it!! Thank you 😊
I mask a lot but the feeling builds up over time and eventually I have to let it out and unmask because it’s tiring and I have to concentrate quite a lot. Sometimes I can’t mask at all and I will struggle to blend in
Thank you for your honesty. I’ve been deep masking all my life until I burned out and the wheels fell off and it led to my autistic and ADHD diagnosis. My attempts unmasking has both been helpful and a bit naïve too. I felt telling people was enough, but of course it’s not. People know so little if anything about autism and don’t really care either. Others belittled my problems, as you said, like they understood because they too had difficulties with fitting in, or anxiety, or forgetting things, except as you know with our conditions, anything they had like that isn’t remotely like, or as severe as, what we have to deal with. The trouble was as a result they would not really engage with my issues, because they ‘understood’, because ‘they get the same things’ and’ isn’t everyone a bit autistic?’ they them downplay what I was struggling with and probably thought I was overplaying it and unable to cope. I also struggled with unmasking coz raw from my diagnosis, I didn’t exactly make it easy for others to empathise at times. I was all over the place. One other gay post autistic person on a post diagnosis course I did, said it was like coming out and how you over do it at first, and I thought that was a good analogy. Anyways over sharing and rambling, but thanks again. Great video.
I've been through a lot in the last six months, and this video has helped explain so much about some of the reasons for how I've ended up where I am right now after a very long time. . Thank you so much.
Thank you for your videos, Ella. They have been some of the most helpful I have encountered so far. Knowing I am not alone on my journey to finding out who I even am gives me courage. Digging up everything one has learned not to be is very hard, but we owe it to ourselves and the people who need and love us exactly as we are. I wish everyone going through it as well all the best.
Oh my gosh this is exactly what I needed to hear today. This is like my life story, I have no idea who I am, and I spend too much time looking at other people’s lives to focus on figuring my own out. THANK YOU for this video and for your honesty, it really spoke to me.
Thank you so much for this video, Ella! I relate to all of this, deeply and intensely. I’m thrilled to know I am not the only one on this journey of true and authentic self-discovery! Hearing you speak on this was both comforting and inspiring! I have my own documents to discover myself, and I called it the Green Ember Project. Anything that fans that tiny tiny spark of hope and self love in my heart and reminds me of ME must be followed! 🥰 sending all my love and appreciation! Thank you again 💕
That thing you said about taking on Sheldon as a personality, that behavior - to me - is in and of itself so very autistic! The fact you went looking for a suitable autistic personality is in and of itself such an autistic thing to do. I have very distinct memories of desperately trying to find someone suitable to be, from TV, from books. Of course, all children do a version of this, being Disney characters, or super heroes, but I think with autistic people, it's more a matter of degree: how long it goes on (like into adulthood), how it's a conscious strategy, how we would search for it instead of it just happening organically and being a phase. For me, it was not a phase, but a lifelong strategy, often associated with special interests. I’d absorb a personality I thought fit the interest, and I’d look for someone within that interest I could be. This is all in direct conflict with my desire to be a unique individual, but it came very obviously from my being ostracized, an outcast, and always feeling horribly awkward, alien, and out of place. I was always very consciously looking for someone more appropriate, more acceptable to be. I'm in my 60s now, and I can honestly say this was more or less a strategy into my late 30s at least. I think a lot of therapy - even as undiagnosed autistic - at least made me aware of the process, made me aware of everything I had been doing to mask, and how intensely I did mask, even if it wasn't connected to the word autism, which I wouldn't associate with virtually everything I had struggled with in my life until later.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I'm just startimg my journey of discovery at the age of 49. Its quite a pandoras box! I have to say that this masking/unmasking is situation is something I am not enjoying at all but hearing about your experience makes me feel far less alone. Thank you. I wish you the very best of happiness and peace. X
I masked a lot just to survive an inconsistent home environment and bullying in the outside world. I got diagnosed at 38 and am 48 now and just beginning to work on my childhood trauma, now I'm in a stable home of my own and feel safe.
The bit about feeling as if you need to be the same person you were at the start of this channel really got to me. I like following channels like this partly for the information shared but it's also great to see someone evolve over time too. Change is natural and to me is to expected from anyone exploring their own neurodivergence. I'm quite happy that my views as a person change over time as I continue to learn, I tend to see myself as a different person as time goes on due to the experiences and knowledge that I gain. I don't think there is anything wrong with acknowledging this, especially as someone with a public persona like this as you can frame it in a really good light in terms of what you have tried/thought in the past and how it is relevant to you today.
Ella, thank you for for being so honest! I also have always internalised mistreatment and squashed down the feelings believing something is wrong with me - and trying to fix myself over and over. When, no! The treatment was not right! Also working through trauma in therapy now too and 6 months post diagnosis. I can't say how much I appreciate your frankness. About the different masks i.e with the big bang theory (I also relate so much!). Plus, about your age of diagnosis. You've come so far. I'm late diagnosed too (31) and it really gives me hope for the future. Thank you thank you thank you for your work ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Same here. I was also about 3 when I started to feel like an alien. By the time I got to high school, I had a mask that worked about 75% of the time. But the way I was able to maintain it was to pick a person who had the traits I was trying to acquire, and look at every single thing I did all day every day through what I thought their lens would be. I’m 53 now, got an ADHD diagnosis at 30, and have been working on unmasking for a few years. It’s very hard, in great part because if you’ve spent decades observing yourself with a critical eye, there’s a lot of work involved in not doing that anymore.
Thank you so much for all of your videos. I'm going to be looking for a diagnosis soon and your videos are helping me see what my masks are. I have been in a relationship with an amazing man and now I'm afraid to start unmasking because I know that it's going to be a lot for him. I've been in therapy since I was 5 years old, so I just thought I was coping with me tal illnesses. Now I'm realizing I was being taught how to mask.
"Living as my authentic autistic life happily after" .... damn you've just dashed my dream🤣. Yes masking trauma too. I need to rewatch this a few times i think. 🤔 and life decisions ..... thinking about early retirement because i really struggle to work ... i know in my gut i can be in a better space, but whether i should is another thing. I love your Ella documents idea.... i feel i need a template for such a thing. Mhave you considered that - perhaps part of your i come stream?
Wow, Ella, thank you! This is so good. I had to watch it three times, back to back, just to let it sink in. I'm realizing I'm really struggling with masking and have that 'who the hell even am I?!' feeling. It's like my mask is super glued on and I don't know what it is to take it off, or what I'm supposed to do or say or like or feel when/if I am able to let it go. Ugh. And I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME. I'm realizing now, at 42, that that is probably why. I love your honestly and your willingness to share. I laughed at your anecdote about applying the Sheldon template - not AT you... WITH you. I totally did that too. I also realized I was probably autistic in 2016, but I was never able to get a formal diagnosis so I'm self-diagnosed. There is a TON of imposter syndrome going on, and even though I know self-diagnosis is totally valid on an intellectual level, I struggle with internalizing that too. And I'm sure masking and imposter syndrome get mixed up together and make things harder when trying to untangle it all. This is why I'm so grateful to people like you who share their own personal journeys online. Even if our journeys aren't identical or, in some ways, are completely different, it's so comforting to know that I'm not alone in going through it all. You also come across as very insightful and that you're sharing things as you learn or think about them so I find that more valuable than the other channels you brought up that may have more views or subscribers. I think when a certain arbitrary level is reached for many of those creators, their videos lose that sense of authenticity. Watching your videos is like having a chat with a good friend!
Thank you, so much for this video, i have been starting to learn how to unmask because of burnout and I relate to a lot of your videos and it makes me feel a little less alone. Remember you are awesome just the way you are Purple Ella!
Newly self diagnosed 26 yo here. Thank u for your candidness and vulnerability in sharing your experiences- I relate so much with creating a personality that would be accepted by others. i’m also on the journey to be authentically myself.
Love this & all your videos I’ve seen so far. I’ve recently come to find out I am autistic and ADHD and hypermobility etc. and your videos have been extremely helpful. I’ve been sharing them with my partner and family and it’s been helping us understand each other much better. Thank you for being so real and for sharing about yourself, it is more valuable than you know, I am sure!
I don't know who the autistic TH-camrs with the most views are, but I can't seem to connect with a lot of the other channels, specifically the men; you, and a couple other autistic women, are the ones whose experiences and way of presenting ideas resonates with me, and you are by far my favorite. So I hope you will not change for the sake of views! :) -- changing because you are evolving is good though. This was a very helpful video that helped me finally start to understand masking in terms of myself. 3 sounds about right to me too (I'm 61). And I love that shirt. ETA: understandable about the comic book phase. Looking back, most of the people that I've known who I now wonder if they are on the spectrum, myself included, were comic book fans or professionals. None of us were that much like Sheldon. Most though not all of us were guys. And many of us were also big Dr. Who fans. ;-) (I discovered Dr. Who during No. 4. It now occurs to me that the elements I loved so much about Tom Baker's Doctor are somewhat autistic traits.) FURTHER EDIT: I realized I should clarify what is probably obvious, but just in case: it's not that every likely autistic person I've encountered was into comics, it was a group of people with the same special interest, many of whom, in retrospect, MIGHT have been on the spectrum.
I really loved this video - there is something so special about watching someone being very present and themselves on social media. Thanks for being as much yourself as you can be at any one time Ella. It makes me hopeful
I recently moved away from my hometown because I kept feeling (even though I knew better) like I had to be the version of me that they "signed up for". Obviously that isn't going to solve the problem, but I think it will make it easier for me to discover who I am away from the worry that people will be disappointed if I'm not the version of me who I was when I didn't realize I could be me and be loved.
For me it was so exhausting trying to actually enjoy spending time with people that I quit in 9th grade. I tried pretty hard in middle school but nothing stuck and inevitably people steered clear of me. Hanging out was anxiety inducing because it felt like there was so much friction / difficulty actually enjoying it and I started watching the clock to see when it was going to be over. I never got through this and still feel this way with most people except my other highly ND friends that I hang out with sometimes. Worst of all is the mask I feel the need to wear around my family, because if I dont wear it I'll seem bored and offend people when its really not the case. But they are much more NT than I am so it's hard to get that across.
I love your videos. I’m Also a late diagnosed autistic adhd person. I was wondering if that was a Lego bonsai I. The background. It looks so pretty. Keep making awesome stuff
You seem to be in my head... Speaking everything I am experiencing. It is so reassuring to find a kindred spirit who makes me feel 'normal'... P. S. Also suffer with ADHD so kept getting distracted by your shiny face... (not a criticism 🤣)
This is definitely one of the best videos I've seen about masking and unmasking! Incredibly helpful and gosh what it feels like to feel seen and understood. Thank you Purple Ella! 💜
I think I did this unintentionally when I was a young child. When my mum answered questions for my diagnostic assessment, she noted a string of sensory issues as a toddler, such as treating water like acid, hating the feel of sand, and finding wind unbearable. But after a while at nursery, I didn't seem to have these issues anymore. Perhaps I was masking at age 4 so I could play in the sandpit with other kids and fit in.
I feel the same. It's baby steps. It's always a surprise when I take a moment to actually look at my feelings in a situation and realise the discomfort is from masking (or the inability to). I think noticing I'm doing it is the first step for me. I don't notice most of the time. Watching your videos always gives me confidence to be myself. x
Ella, I find your videos insightful and helpful. My thoughts? I am doing my best to embrace the idea that my success isn't reflected on the number of people who can accept me for who I am or who I am becoming...It isn't negated by those who choose to see the me only as the person I was yesterday or last week or a decade ago....Ultimately, my success is in my knowing I am healing, progressing, becoming the best, most genuine me I can be...discarding unhealthy behavior patterns...facing & accepting past trauma as part of the past and learning how to move forward in a way that benefits me and those I love. In doing this, I know that the people I need in my life and/or who need me in their life will be where we need to be in order to move forward together. Best wishes to you and your family.
I can relate to so much of what you’re saying, so thanks for putting it out there and making some of us feel so much less alone on our journeys. I was diagnosed a couple of months ago aged 32 and there’s just so much to process. You’re a huge part of my journey and I want to thank you for all that you do
I’ve always felt so insecure about my “boring” personality because I wasn’t fun and bubbly like the people around me. I’ve always been quiet and reserved, usually because my brain is busy taking in all the information in my environment! It’s only been very recently and since my autism diagnosis that I’ve realised I don’t need to be the fun and energetic person, my traits of being quiet, introspective and empathetic are equally as valuable and my friends are often appreciative of my genuine interest in their lives and ability to listen empathetically to them :)
Great comment, I feel similar ❤
I have also been masking since 3. In my mid-twenties now. I remember consciously thinking “I’m going to stop living based on what I want, and start living to please my family.” This has lead to burnout and mental health issues. This was so healing to hear!
In my late forties I have the same mentality. Hopefully you get out of that thought and keep pursuing what you want.
Autistics starting to mask at such an early age shows, in my opinion, that theory of mind and empathy is not the crucial part of autism as some believe. You have to have a good understanding of the thinking and feeling of others to mask.
I'm a heavy masker and it is so hard to unmask but I have to say I probably started making at around 8-10 years as far as I can remember. I did have delayed development of theory of mind but I did develop it eventually.
I have VERY vivid memories of trying to imitate the "popular" girls when I was in elementary school. Learned all of my social skills thru mimickry, I'm almost 30 and still struggling to figure out which parts are me, and which parts were just imitating others to blend in.
I get that mimicry thing; I became an incredible mimic, trying desperately to mimic the behaviors of people who had qualities I wanted.
I've had a lot of success masking, but it leaves me extremely unfulfilled emotionally and socially. I was diagnosed a month ago after strongly suspecting I had autism for a few years and no one, myself included, knows the "real me". I feel like there's nowhere I can truly escape to and I'm left exhausted and unsure how to help myself when I'm overwhelmed. Videos like this have been fantastic though and shown me from the perspective of another autistic person steps I can take to find ways to unwind from this performance and relax for the first time in a very very long time. It feels so relieving to tell my family, friends or my boyfriend how I feel accurately and to have them understand me a little better and be able to support me as I learn how to live happily while autistic. Thanks Ella :)
This is my story. Thank you for making this comment. I was diagnosed two weeks ago and am looking forward to discovering who I am. When I was early teens I decided I didn’t like my pessimistic personality and challenged myself to flip every response I made into a positive one, a very rewarding experience for a very long time. The down side is long term dysthymia growing into major depressive disorder from emotional repression. Hopefully through this I can move in a more positive and healthy direction.
@@nhenderson2094 Wow...I can see how that would have been a rewarding experience for a long time, and being able to do so at all seems incredible to me...I don't think I could ever have pulled that off. Trying to respond affirmatively to people in a conversation is so exhausting. I went into full MDD for several years myself, and you know, it did follow a period where I was interacting with a lot of people for my job, and having to be as positive as I could. Thanks for the food for thought.
When it comes to unmasking, I feel like I'm unable to because I don't feel safe unmasking any place that isn't home. If I do unmask anywhere else, it's unintentional and probably due to being unable to cope in a situation. I hope to one day be able to unmask and be my authentic self, but since I spent so long masking as a late-diagnosed person that I'm unsure if I can unmask.
The only way to do that is to stop caring what other people think about you. That’s the “impossible” task ahead for most of us. As a 48 yr old self diagnosed autistic, it may never happen. I still have trouble even around my friends and family. And, for some reason, I especially get nervous and awkward around teenagers, especially girls. Maybe the trauma from school keeps triggering these feelings.
@@taoist32 When I was a teenager I was judged the most.
@@Catlily5 I think we all were judged and bullied in high school.
@@taoist32 I was mentioning that because it might be why you are especially nervous and awkward around teenage girls...
Especially at home, around family and old friends. I find it difficult to unmask. As Ella says, pushing down discomfort in order to be the person they signed up for.
Masking has been a big issue with my 9 year old daughter she masks terrible in school, very shy and quite but she bottles everything up and explodes when she comes home which has made getting support for her hard. I even noticed she masks around her brother and sister and tries to make them think she likes all the stuff they do in order to fit in. The only time she's unmasked and comfortable is when it's just me and her
I feel this so much, I mask all the time, even around my partner, without even realizing. But it is so exhausting it builds up and I explode eventually.
@@rather_be_known934 that's exactly what happens with my daughter it's like shaking a can of pop it explodes in the end
Masking is still big issue for me. I feel like a boget in Harry Potter I’m true shape shifter i with my friend I do it less but it still happens. It very draining and overwhelming. I also find my myself information dumping and talk over people not to be rude but because i struggle with auditory input And what to listen to as I hear every little Noise, my vision is bad to so visual so I cant use constant eye and read much non verbal body language as I gets confusing and it painful.
Although you have to keep in mind that people mask because our society treats ND people so badly, sadly I see a lot of professionals that victim blame autistic people for masking when that person is actually doing so because they get bullied, excluded or attacked when they don't.
It’s great that she is able to unmask around you, but she needs to be herself most of the time or she will suffer greatly in the long term. Try to educate and include her siblings in this, and keep assuring your little one that she is valuable and special and loved very much just for being her. Best of luck 💕
The motto I had when I was growing up was, "It's okay if I suffer, as long as my family and friends don't." I thought it was the perfect solution for everything. Now, as I discover my autistic self, I realize how draining that was over the years. My mental health is basically...sh*t! Thank you for posting these videos. It's nice to hear other people have the same experience. P.s. I've often wonder why I like your newer videos than your old videos (I found your channel recently and have been binging). I think it's because you are more Ella as you continue to unmask.
I think I experience masking in a way where i’ve done it for so long that i’m unsure of what is masking for me and what isn’t. It’s really difficult for me as i’m unfortunately a natural people pleaser and have mirrored personalities since i could talk, so i’ve constantly been changing for others and it’s left me with this dilemma of what is masking for me. I also don’t really feel comfortable with stimming around people except a few, none of them being my family unfortunately.
I hope everyone who’s struggling with masking figures out how to find a balance though!
I'm not sure exactly for how much of my life I was masking, but I noticed that in the past year, after getting to know more people on the spectrum, understanding better what being on the spectrum actually means, and becoming at peace with the fact that I'm on the spectrum (a fact I was trying to run away from before), I started to mask significantly less. I don't force myself to look at people in the eye, I let myself position myself weirdly in the room, I don't try not to stim, I no longer force myself to be more engaged in a conversation than I actually am, I don't try to say socially expected things to people if I'm not comfortable, etc.
Gosh how i relate, thank you so much. I am awaiting my referral at 33 & ive done many tests at home. After a life of trauma and masking... i finally have the answer that ive longed for. Ive been unconsciously un-masking after quitting alcohol, thinking it was about just trauma and healing. I didn't even consider.. that maybe I'd masked Autism so successfully that id even fooled myself. Until the burn-out. These past few days have been the awakening I needed. I also never knew how much my hormones could push me over the edge if Im not mindful.. much to digest. Thank you Ella, what a wonderful channel
Gosh. That second adolescence thing is so true. After having discovered that I am an autistic ADHD limerent bipolar schizophrenic and everything else in between, I am now on the process if undoing and repairing everything that went wrong for me growing up from 12-31 years old. I am 32 now and on the process of finding my authentic, traumatized teen self and loving him harder and stronger than anyone in my life (myself included) ever did. Peace to all who are in this plight. ❤️
I love the idea of a personal 'Ella' journal! It can be so overwhelming to realize just how much of yourself you've changed to appease others, like peeling an onion and finding layer after layer of masking. After a while, it gets so meta that I second guess every single thing I've ever liked and done haha! Who even am I?!? This is a good way to find your 'True North' as a person and keep it all straight in your head
I'm in burn out now. I'm in my mid twenties and and it FING SUCCCKKS. I did all the things you did. I can't mask well now and feel like a complete weirdo, even more so when I didn't fit it in school. But at least now I know what's going on. I'm slowly learning to be myself.
Hi, I've just discovered your canal and I am delighted by the simplicity of your films: no background music, no sudden "fireworks" and you are talking in a such constructive way. Thanks a lot, now I'm going to dive in ;) greetings from Poland
You are so well-spoken, and the compassion toward yourself in this journey shines through. It is obvious that your self acceptance is already blossoming, because this video was so honest and authentic. Thank you for sharing your experience and inspiring others who feel the same.
It’s so exhausting!
Purple Ella being one colour, a different shade of Purple :) xxx
Another of your videos that rings true for me! I'm in the (very slow) process of unmasking, and a lot of the time I am asking myself "who am I, actually?" I went through almost 60 years of life before starting to reach the conclusion that I'm autistic and ADHD. 60 years-worth of masking layers, imagine it! 6 years later and it is still very much a work in progress. I have to unmask to myself before I can unmask in the world. It's like peeling a boiled egg when the shell is firmly stuck to the egg 🙄
“I’ve never found a space for me to be me”. That speaks volumes to me and is something a desperately need to do.
Im late diagnosed with autism and ADD, a bit like you. I got my diagnose about 6 years ago. Im 48 years old now. And its only in the recent year i really started taking my neurodivergent challenges serious. After a lifetime of struggling with loneliness, depression, rejection...
But god damn, its a long rough journey.
Im thankfull for where I am right now, and so thankfull for wonderfull persons like you sharing and helping like you do. I watched a lot if your videos, and everything you say just resonates with me.
Thank you so, so much.
This is so relatable for me and I hear many ASD folk! I used to think this was normal.
Even though my bff's would tell me they don't do that when I'd open up about taking on traits of certain characters. I didn't believe them because my family had several gaslighting champs that would lie whenever embarrassed. So I thought ppl all did this but just were too embarrassed to admit it. Lol 🤣
I love the self acceptance of the genuine self!
I don't think it's wrong to not show al of yourself when doing something like TH-cam videos. But there's a difference between having an appropriate and polite social behavior and completely masking.
For me this was confusing because I thought they were the same. When I was tired of masking as a teen I just was honest about not getting the point of polite things that have no obvious lasting benefit to anyone. Saying "thank you" when someone compliments your shoes felt silly...they didn't give me my shoes, their opinion isn't going to change my day....and I didn't think it should change theirs if I say the same. But learning the balance is a perpetual experience. 😄
listening to this is so helpful, I can feel my body relaxing slightly (I am alone at home). I think I will have to learn to unmask on my own first, before trying it anywhere else. Like you say, it is a journey, and I wish us all self compassion while we find our way. Thanks Ella!
I just turned 37 and and only recently discovering I'm most likely on the spectrum. I've been observing how I feel and act closely and seeing little things I've been doing that are stims and how I've been masking those stims. It's been really revealing. I don't beat myself up anymore for actually needing almost daily naps. My anxiety and irritability is more easily managed now I know what I'm looking for and what triggers it.
Ella, you've been a big part of me discovering these things with your videos along with a couple of others y'all are the first resource I've used to discover more about how to avoid burnout and meltdowns. I'm so grateful for this TH-cam community.
Observe how you are when with friends. At times I will copy my friends’ personality traits to see if it would help. No such luck. I will probably be masking for the rest of my life.
Purple Ella, one of the things that keeps me coming back to your channel is your authenticity! Thank you. This video feels really validating of my own unmasking journey, which shares a lot of similarities with your own, but has some interesting curve-balls as well (especially, beginning to unmask during the emerging-from-lockdown phase of the pandemic). I am very grateful for the autastic (sp is correct) community here on YT, and for me your channel is a big part of that.
I relate so much to this especially about not being the you your husband signed up to , I’ve been married for 27 years but I’m right at the start of my autism journey and I’m really scared of what unmasking may do to my marriage although bits of me keep leaking out as my mask is broken, but I’m clinging on to it as like another commenter said I don’t feel safe anywhere to take it of. Also if I take it off I really have no idea who me is although I’m fairly certain she likes penguins , books and hiding under blankets. Please don’t change how and what you do ..sure there are a ton of people speaking on autism now but so many are men, or in the USA or much younger than me so as an over 40 female in the UK I really really appreciate your content and find the fact you share so honestly really helpful.
i feel and see you darlin :)
A freshly diagnosed 50+ AuDHD person, I really don't know how much of me is mask and how much is aspects of my conditions. I broke last year when my predominantly self imposed "task list" became too great. I still feel that I have "Value" in doing things rather than "worth" as a person. My wife of 32 years disagrees, but I don't know if she has seen through to "me".
@@julianmorrin6999 it’s very hard when you are first diagnosed as suddenly you don’t know who on earth you are any more or who the real you is ..7 months on from diagnosis I’m still not sure but the best thing I have done is talk to other autistic people and when you find commonality slowly you feel a bit more comfortable and bits of real you will appear. It’s quite hard to explain and I think it will take time as there are many things I can’t show for fear of ruining relationships especially with my husband, , maybe those of us who are late diagnosed will never feel able to be 100% us . I completely understand how you feel your value comes from what you do not who you are , I think friends and partners see us very differently to the way we see ourselves because of our different wiring, like you my value is centred on things I can measure almost like a self imposed service level and if I don’t meet that I feel a failure..I guess it’s just part of having a different operating system , I tell people I run non Linux in a Microsoft world working in IT it’s the best approximation I can find for what it feels like to be autistic.
My daughter masked throughout primary school especially when it came to learning.
Last year at aged 14 1/2 we had the diagnosis of ASD. I was the most surprised she was autistic as I was convinced she had attention deficit disorder (she wasn’t hyperactive)! I didn’t pick up on it being autism at all (I have an uncle, half brother & nephew with ASD, my daughter was not like them). My daughter really struggled academically & after years of begging & pleading with teachers for more support from primary school & not getting much help & then starting yr 7 secondary school with problems continuing (to then when the self harming started) we have we finally been listened to…. Many assessments later with the findings of Auditory processing disorder, dyspraxia, dyscalculia & autistic traits were discovered….then having to beg & plead for an ehcp & 2 years later was then awarded.
This then enabled us to apply for a transfer to a school that provided specialist resource provision within a mainstream school but only after missing the best part of yr7 & yr8 due to covid lockdowns which exacerbated the learning issues/anxieties/mental health plus lack of support from school & by the time the ehcp was finalised at the start of yr9 we found that the named school on the ehcp was the school we wanted to take her out of! They’d made a mistake upon completion but In order to correct it we had to appeal to the courts! Whilst waiting for the appeal we tried to work with the (crappy) school but quickly found that they were still not onboard (even after the ehcp was awarded & LD’s were diagnosed/identified) were not willing to give any more support that they claimed they were giving albeit my daughter was still struggling, or any one to one teaching in core subjects. We even had a private educational psychologist report done which stated that she was so far behind academically (like a yr3 or yr4 in many categories) he recommended one to one but they were not going to give it to her as they liked students to learn to work independently😂
This left us with no choice but to pull her out of the (crappy) school & wait for the appeal from the courts to change it to the school that was more suitable.
So she missed pretty much the first 3 years of secondary school!
She started her new school in year 10 & although is happier has lost the foundation stage. Almost like she went from being a little 11 year old girl in primary school (which is fun) in to year 10, a 15 year old preparing for her GCSEs 😢
People pleasing, in my opinion, Is one of many driving forces that leads to masking with autism. I always want people around me to feel happy and safe, which is hard to stop (I'm late diagnosed).
I definitely would agree that that's also the case with myself. Masking/People pleasing aka "trying to appear normal so people won't notice how different/weird I am" to a degree where it hurt my mental and eventually my physical health... :(
But then I learned (when I was in my personality-test phase) that in the "Big 5" test autistic people statistically have a _lower_ than average agreeableness (and agreeableness is basically _the_ personality trait that leads to people pleasing). That confused me. I'm full of self doubt all the time anyway so I (self-suspected autistic, currently in the diagnostic process) thought "maybe I'm not autistic and it's just 99 different reasons why I share so many autistic features/problems?"
Then I thought, maybe it's also a bit sex related. Men (who still make up the majority of diagnosed autistics) are on average less agreeable than women. So maybe hence the "Big 5" statistic and maybe this is in general the reason why women tend to mask more too...?
Just some thoughts...
@@anniestumpy9918 I really think its all down to socialisation. I was always pushed into social situations where I was expected to respond and comply. I believe men as young boys are allowed to be socially distant shall we say.
I only just discovered I'm autistic a year ago at age 31, and everything you shared in this video makes me feel better about the unmasking journey, which I've only just begun. I relate so much to some of your thoughts and experiences--when you mentioned letting yourself just be and act on instinct rather than "putting on a smile and trying to be likeable and interesting and fun all the time" I really felt that one deeply!
I'm a 59 yrs old autistic, not diagnosed .Few people love me , many hate me, I'm fine with that, just keep being sincere to others and specially to yourself. And if you really fell the need for companionship get a pet. I have five cats myself.
we love you just how you are❤being your authentic self is not only freeing for you, but also for the people like me who look up to you as a role model.
I'm in my fifties now and masking is just fucking exhausting.
Unmasking is such a privilege that unfortunately not everyone has. In a perfect or even a more decent world everyone would be able to unmask, no problem.
I remember when I started college (over 25 years ago now!) feeling very free because no one knew who I was. I felt like, for the first time, I could be more of who I wanted to be And not be forced to behave how others wanted/expected me to. In many ways it was very liberating, though I see now how much I was still masking.
A few months ago my oldest son moved out and started his own college career. He is struggling, and a few weeks in, his school therapist called and said ‘your son exhibits a lot of behaviors consistent with autism’. Interestingly, his period of self discovery became another one for me as I came to realize that he wasn’t the only one in our family!
Lately, I’ve been experimenting with stimming. I’ve had to take on additional part-time work, which has been bery overwhelming, but I found that when I was alone, I could stim, and it felt good. But I still don’t feel like I could do it in public, or sometimes even around my wife. We are constantly forced to choose between being ourselves or offending those around is and suffering negative consequences. So many behaviors that are natural and normal to me are problematic at work. I am lucky to have a lot of privacy and flexibility at my day job, and some neurodivergent friends who are accepting. But it is still nice to watch these videos and read people’s posts and feel the kinship and acceptance of the autistic community!
Thanks to all of you for being you and sharing it with me.
So you know I watch other autistic and adhd contents from other more “successful “ creators but at the end of the day I find most comfort in yours Ella. It’s the struggle and honesty you put out there. I’ve experienced just about the same and it gives me relief, hope and even joy! I’m so happy to see you happy! ♥️
“I feel like I’m having a second adolescence.” That resonates with me and I couldn’t describe the feeling better. Thanks for putting words to the feeling. 🙌👽
On my third or fourth date with my current boyfriend (going on 4 years soon), I caught myself acting in a way I hadn't since I was a child. I began passionately rambling about Silent Hill symbolism and the legacy of the survival horror genre, something I would NEVER do in front of anyone else for fear of being given the dreaded "gamer" label. I went ALL OUT too, any autistic person can probably relate. That rising feeling in your lungs as you endlessly spew your thoughts on your favorite subject, making it almost hard to breathe. He mentioned that he'd never seen me act that way, and I was TERRIFIED that I had messed up, I thought "No no no, I didn't play my role correctly, I messed up my lines."
But he said he liked it. He loved how passionate I sounded, how knowledgeable I was on a topic that he'd never ever known about. He asked for more. He asked questions, he listened to me, he chimed in with his own interests and thoughts and experiences. He treated me as an equal, and for the first time in my life my interests were validated, even when I endlessly rambled like an exasperated child. For the first time in my adult life I was naturally, without thought, being MYSELF. That person I was desperately trying to push down for years, that person I thought was "wrong", he loved. He helped me become me.
Yeah, but you’re not autistic. You’re just a nerd. 😂
thank you Ella!! As a small online creator this is very validating. Sometimes I feel like I need to be like the more successful ones in order to be seen and accepted. But I remember that I just need to Be myself. It's way easier and freeing. I matter just the way I am. Being true to myself attracts people who are true to themselves too, and I want them as my friends 💞 authenticity is the best
Ella, I'm SO happy that you are finding YOU. That is a hard thing to do, but you got this. 💜
Thank you Ella! I'm learning a lot here .. I'm self diagnosed for a couple of months now...and finally understand why I never wanted to work full time, never wanted to keep a job for long, was always hiding in books , studying and doing courses .. I only wish I could talk about it so elaborately!
Still loads to learn.. ❤️
I recently found out that I am autistic and Im noticing now how much I used to mask even if I thought that I didn’t. Thank you for the video❤
I just got diagnosed yesterday and when you were talking about pushing down discomfort to fit in and what it leads to, it was like looking at a mirror. I'm so glad you made this video, thank you!
Aw. Your honesty and authenticity really come across here. You seem like a really nice person.
Thank you for this video. I've been diagnosed at the age of 27, so hearing you've also been diagnosed later in life made it feel a lot more personal. And I agree 100% with you. I am currently aware of my masking and am working on understanding it and finding tools to help myself.
I always enjoy your clear and eloquent spoken skills 🥰
You're the best Purple! We all struggle with comparing ourselves to others, but few are brave enough to say it out loud. Keep being your warm and authentic self my friend. Cheers! 😊
Yes! This makes so much sense! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! The fact is I realized today listening to this I had not just one mask but a thousand different ones in attempts to make something work that never did. Wow. Lots to think about, lots to continue unshedding.
This is so articulate and relatable!!! Wow re the taking on Autistic Person Mask. You probably saved many people that step! Just by talking about it!! Thank you 😊
Brilliant! Bravo for sharing.
❤
Thank You for being vulnerable and putting yourself out there.
Thank you for this video Ella
also love the honesty and vulnerability!!
This video has me in tears.
I mask a lot but the feeling builds up over time and eventually I have to let it out and unmask because it’s tiring and I have to concentrate quite a lot. Sometimes I can’t mask at all and I will struggle to blend in
Thank you for your honesty. I’ve been deep masking all my life until I burned out and the wheels fell off and it led to my autistic and ADHD diagnosis. My attempts unmasking has both been helpful and a bit naïve too. I felt telling people was enough, but of course it’s not. People know so little if anything about autism and don’t really care either. Others belittled my problems, as you said, like they understood because they too had difficulties with fitting in, or anxiety, or forgetting things, except as you know with our conditions, anything they had like that isn’t remotely like, or as severe as, what we have to deal with. The trouble was as a result they would not really engage with my issues, because they ‘understood’, because ‘they get the same things’ and’ isn’t everyone a bit autistic?’ they them downplay what I was struggling with and probably thought I was overplaying it and unable to cope. I also struggled with unmasking coz raw from my diagnosis, I didn’t exactly make it easy for others to empathise at times. I was all over the place. One other gay post autistic person on a post diagnosis course I did, said it was like coming out and how you over do it at first, and I thought that was a good analogy. Anyways over sharing and rambling, but thanks again. Great video.
I've been through a lot in the last six months, and this video has helped explain so much about some of the reasons for how I've ended up where I am right now after a very long time. . Thank you so much.
Thank you for your videos, Ella. They have been some of the most helpful I have encountered so far.
Knowing I am not alone on my journey to finding out who I even am gives me courage. Digging up everything one has learned not to be is very hard, but we owe it to ourselves and the people who need and love us exactly as we are. I wish everyone going through it as well all the best.
I relate to everything you said. Thank you, I am trying to figure this all out
Oh my gosh this is exactly what I needed to hear today. This is like my life story, I have no idea who I am, and I spend too much time looking at other people’s lives to focus on figuring my own out. THANK YOU for this video and for your honesty, it really spoke to me.
Thank you so much for this video, Ella! I relate to all of this, deeply and intensely. I’m thrilled to know I am not the only one on this journey of true and authentic self-discovery! Hearing you speak on this was both comforting and inspiring! I have my own documents to discover myself, and I called it the Green Ember Project. Anything that fans that tiny tiny spark of hope and self love in my heart and reminds me of ME must be followed!
🥰 sending all my love and appreciation! Thank you again 💕
That thing you said about taking on Sheldon as a personality, that behavior - to me - is in and of itself so very autistic!
The fact you went looking for a suitable autistic personality is in and of itself such an autistic thing to do.
I have very distinct memories of desperately trying to find someone suitable to be, from TV, from books.
Of course, all children do a version of this, being Disney characters, or super heroes, but I think with autistic people, it's more a matter of degree: how long it goes on (like into adulthood), how it's a conscious strategy, how we would search for it instead of it just happening organically and being a phase.
For me, it was not a phase, but a lifelong strategy, often associated with special interests. I’d absorb a personality I thought fit the interest, and I’d look for someone within that interest I could be. This is all in direct conflict with my desire to be a unique individual, but it came very obviously from my being ostracized, an outcast, and always feeling horribly awkward, alien, and out of place. I was always very consciously looking for someone more appropriate, more acceptable to be. I'm in my 60s now, and I can honestly say this was more or less a strategy into my late 30s at least. I think a lot of therapy - even as undiagnosed autistic - at least made me aware of the process, made me aware of everything I had been doing to mask, and how intensely I did mask, even if it wasn't connected to the word autism, which I wouldn't associate with virtually everything I had struggled with in my life until later.
I recently learned I can just release all the muscles in my face and it’s so relaxing
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I'm just startimg my journey of discovery at the age of 49. Its quite a pandoras box! I have to say that this masking/unmasking is situation is something I am not enjoying at all but hearing about your experience makes me feel far less alone. Thank you. I wish you the very best of happiness and peace. X
Thank you for showing your heart. I had a good little cry from seeing myself in how you described so many things in this video.
😊thank you for articulating this essential process
I masked a lot just to survive an inconsistent home environment and bullying in the outside world. I got diagnosed at 38 and am 48 now and just beginning to work on my childhood trauma, now I'm in a stable home of my own and feel safe.
12:10 Never feel that way, please,There are so many of us who are trying to grow and learn, Subbed
I love Your lego bonsai tree in the background 😊
The bit about feeling as if you need to be the same person you were at the start of this channel really got to me. I like following channels like this partly for the information shared but it's also great to see someone evolve over time too.
Change is natural and to me is to expected from anyone exploring their own neurodivergence. I'm quite happy that my views as a person change over time as I continue to learn, I tend to see myself as a different person as time goes on due to the experiences and knowledge that I gain. I don't think there is anything wrong with acknowledging this, especially as someone with a public persona like this as you can frame it in a really good light in terms of what you have tried/thought in the past and how it is relevant to you today.
Ella, thank you for for being so honest! I also have always internalised mistreatment and squashed down the feelings believing something is wrong with me - and trying to fix myself over and over. When, no! The treatment was not right!
Also working through trauma in therapy now too and 6 months post diagnosis.
I can't say how much I appreciate your frankness. About the different masks i.e with the big bang theory (I also relate so much!). Plus, about your age of diagnosis. You've come so far. I'm late diagnosed too (31) and it really gives me hope for the future.
Thank you thank you thank you for your work ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Same here. I was also about 3 when I started to feel like an alien. By the time I got to high school, I had a mask that worked about 75% of the time. But the way I was able to maintain it was to pick a person who had the traits I was trying to acquire, and look at every single thing I did all day every day through what I thought their lens would be. I’m 53 now, got an ADHD diagnosis at 30, and have been working on unmasking for a few years. It’s very hard, in great part because if you’ve spent decades observing yourself with a critical eye, there’s a lot of work involved in not doing that anymore.
I love the purple shirt you’re wearing in this video! And I so relate to your videos. Thank you 😊
A fantastic post, thank you! I like the new you even better than the old. Keep going! So do I, with small steps. ❤️
Thank you so much for all of your videos. I'm going to be looking for a diagnosis soon and your videos are helping me see what my masks are. I have been in a relationship with an amazing man and now I'm afraid to start unmasking because I know that it's going to be a lot for him. I've been in therapy since I was 5 years old, so I just thought I was coping with me tal illnesses. Now I'm realizing I was being taught how to mask.
Thank you for this video and for being so open and honest. It was very moving and brought me to tears. I really relate. ❤
Everything you spoke about was 🤯! I feel validated 💕
"Living as my authentic autistic life happily after" .... damn you've just dashed my dream🤣. Yes masking trauma too. I need to rewatch this a few times i think. 🤔 and life decisions ..... thinking about early retirement because i really struggle to work ... i know in my gut i can be in a better space, but whether i should is another thing. I love your Ella documents idea.... i feel i need a template for such a thing. Mhave you considered that - perhaps part of your i come stream?
I’m pretty much having to he same experience right now. Thank you for the confirmation. We’re in the right path ❤
love this raw authenticity. thank you from a newbie
You are such a beautiful person, and your content is very valuable. Thanks for your work 💕✌️😊
Wow, Ella, thank you! This is so good. I had to watch it three times, back to back, just to let it sink in.
I'm realizing I'm really struggling with masking and have that 'who the hell even am I?!' feeling. It's like my mask is super glued on and I don't know what it is to take it off, or what I'm supposed to do or say or like or feel when/if I am able to let it go. Ugh. And I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME. I'm realizing now, at 42, that that is probably why.
I love your honestly and your willingness to share. I laughed at your anecdote about applying the Sheldon template - not AT you... WITH you. I totally did that too.
I also realized I was probably autistic in 2016, but I was never able to get a formal diagnosis so I'm self-diagnosed. There is a TON of imposter syndrome going on, and even though I know self-diagnosis is totally valid on an intellectual level, I struggle with internalizing that too. And I'm sure masking and imposter syndrome get mixed up together and make things harder when trying to untangle it all.
This is why I'm so grateful to people like you who share their own personal journeys online. Even if our journeys aren't identical or, in some ways, are completely different, it's so comforting to know that I'm not alone in going through it all.
You also come across as very insightful and that you're sharing things as you learn or think about them so I find that more valuable than the other channels you brought up that may have more views or subscribers. I think when a certain arbitrary level is reached for many of those creators, their videos lose that sense of authenticity. Watching your videos is like having a chat with a good friend!
Thank you, so much for this video, i have been starting to learn how to unmask because of burnout and I relate to a lot of your videos and it makes me feel a little less alone. Remember you are awesome just the way you are Purple Ella!
Newly self diagnosed 26 yo here. Thank u for your candidness and vulnerability in sharing your experiences- I relate so much with creating a personality that would be accepted by others. i’m also on the journey to be authentically myself.
Love this & all your videos I’ve seen so far. I’ve recently come to find out I am autistic and ADHD and hypermobility etc. and your videos have been extremely helpful. I’ve been sharing them with my partner and family and it’s been helping us understand each other much better. Thank you for being so real and for sharing about yourself, it is more valuable than you know, I am sure!
I don't know who the autistic TH-camrs with the most views are, but I can't seem to connect with a lot of the other channels, specifically the men; you, and a couple other autistic women, are the ones whose experiences and way of presenting ideas resonates with me, and you are by far my favorite. So I hope you will not change for the sake of views! :) -- changing because you are evolving is good though.
This was a very helpful video that helped me finally start to understand masking in terms of myself. 3 sounds about right to me too (I'm 61). And I love that shirt.
ETA: understandable about the comic book phase. Looking back, most of the people that I've known who I now wonder if they are on the spectrum, myself included, were comic book fans or professionals. None of us were that much like Sheldon. Most though not all of us were guys. And many of us were also big Dr. Who fans. ;-) (I discovered Dr. Who during No. 4. It now occurs to me that the elements I loved so much about Tom Baker's Doctor are somewhat autistic traits.) FURTHER EDIT: I realized I should clarify what is probably obvious, but just in case: it's not that every likely autistic person I've encountered was into comics, it was a group of people with the same special interest, many of whom, in retrospect, MIGHT have been on the spectrum.
You ar so good to listening to, you ar my sunshine in my day ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing!
I really loved this video - there is something so special about watching someone being very present and themselves on social media. Thanks for being as much yourself as you can be at any one time Ella. It makes me hopeful
I recently moved away from my hometown because I kept feeling (even though I knew better) like I had to be the version of me that they "signed up for". Obviously that isn't going to solve the problem, but I think it will make it easier for me to discover who I am away from the worry that people will be disappointed if I'm not the version of me who I was when I didn't realize I could be me and be loved.
Thank you so much, Ella. This was so awesome. ❤
For me it was so exhausting trying to actually enjoy spending time with people that I quit in 9th grade. I tried pretty hard in middle school but nothing stuck and inevitably people steered clear of me. Hanging out was anxiety inducing because it felt like there was so much friction / difficulty actually enjoying it and I started watching the clock to see when it was going to be over. I never got through this and still feel this way with most people except my other highly ND friends that I hang out with sometimes.
Worst of all is the mask I feel the need to wear around my family, because if I dont wear it I'll seem bored and offend people when its really not the case. But they are much more NT than I am so it's hard to get that across.
I love your videos. I’m
Also a late diagnosed autistic adhd person. I was wondering if that was a Lego bonsai I. The background. It looks so pretty. Keep making awesome stuff
You seem to be in my head... Speaking everything I am experiencing. It is so reassuring to find a kindred spirit who makes me feel 'normal'... P. S. Also suffer with ADHD so kept getting distracted by your shiny face... (not a criticism 🤣)
This is definitely one of the best videos I've seen about masking and unmasking! Incredibly helpful and gosh what it feels like to feel seen and understood.
Thank you Purple Ella! 💜
I think I did this unintentionally when I was a young child. When my mum answered questions for my diagnostic assessment, she noted a string of sensory issues as a toddler, such as treating water like acid, hating the feel of sand, and finding wind unbearable. But after a while at nursery, I didn't seem to have these issues anymore. Perhaps I was masking at age 4 so I could play in the sandpit with other kids and fit in.
I feel the same. It's baby steps. It's always a surprise when I take a moment to actually look at my feelings in a situation and realise the discomfort is from masking (or the inability to). I think noticing I'm doing it is the first step for me. I don't notice most of the time. Watching your videos always gives me confidence to be myself. x
Ella, I find your videos insightful and helpful. My thoughts? I am doing my best to embrace the idea that my success isn't reflected on the number of people who can accept me for who I am or who I am becoming...It isn't negated by those who choose to see the me only as the person I was yesterday or last week or a decade ago....Ultimately, my success is in my knowing I am healing, progressing, becoming the best, most genuine me I can be...discarding unhealthy behavior patterns...facing & accepting past trauma as part of the past and learning how to move forward in a way that benefits me and those I love. In doing this, I know that the people I need in my life and/or who need me in their life will be where we need to be in order to move forward together. Best wishes to you and your family.
Thank you!!!
Thank you for sharing, it's so helpful to hear how others are navigating this.
Thank you so much for explaining this
This was so relatable. Thank you!
I can relate to so much of what you’re saying, so thanks for putting it out there and making some of us feel so much less alone on our journeys. I was diagnosed a couple of months ago aged 32 and there’s just so much to process. You’re a huge part of my journey and I want to thank you for all that you do