Treading Fire: A Typical Day of My Life in Depression Hell
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ค. 2024
- In this video, author and mental health educator Douglas Bloch shares his experience of surviving "a typical day in hell," during one of his major depressive episodes. Douglas defines hell as a state of unbearable emotional pain that seems to have no end. He survived day by day by breaking each day into manageable parts and staying connected to others.
To visit my personal website which contains links to all of my books, websites, and newsletters, go to douglasbloch.com
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To visit my website on suicide prevention, go to www.overcomingsuicidalpain.com
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Whenever I feel anxious, I watch your videos and I feel that you are with me in this struggle and I am not alone.. thank you for this video Doug.
I feel the same too x
I hate the early mornings, always have. Mornings portend the onset of another day of Anxiety promoting events. Evenings are much calmer, we've made it through another day and can relax, contemplate and sleep. My Heaven will be continually feeling the peace and serenity of an evening in this lifetime. Douglas is right, Hell is a great term for the daily battle with GAD/Depression.
I realized while listening to this that I have a real challenge reaching out to people who are not professionals. I can't imagine calling "a friend" to help me. Maybe it's shame...
I have just the opposite. I have a horrible time talking to anyone professional. and yeah maybe it is shame. well for me fear of judgement.
@@Dark0yoshe It's tough, yes!! 😥💟💟💟
Friends are the best to reach out to. However there is a short time limit for their welcome.
I watch these when I feel alone. I am quickly reminded that so many people are suffering and it makes me feel less alone.
God Bless! I'll pray for you!
I have been looking for something like this forever. Because there are a lot of videos explaining severe depression, or ones where someone who looks perfect trying to describe their depression but they always seem to put the best light on it or really don't know. But you really show how it is. I really appreciate this. This is a very helpful video.
I agree.! How can someone be so cheerful, while talking about horrible depression, anxiety,.... all mental illnesses. It's not funny at all... 😟
You are a legend Douglass!
When I was going through severe depression couple of years back, your voice kept me sane.
Now, am well into recovery and almost fully functional, and I still drop by, just to hear your sound!
Thank you!
. Thanks. Your recovery is an example of my favorite principle. What goes down must come up. You might want to watch my video on relapse prevention so you can continue to stay healthy.
@@DouglasBloch
Yes, Indeed Doug!
Back in the rat race of high tech industry, it's is easy to loose perspective again! Consciously, trying to go over them when ever I can.
Still, remember those days, where only thing that comforted me was clutching the phone looping through your videos on the youtube!
Heart felt gratitude from half the world away (Singapore)!
Hello sir Iam a pilot by profession and live in Bangalore India, I have been following your recovery process and your grit and perseverance have given me the hope that one day all this will end. Iam suffering from depression and anxiety for the last 2 yrs, still keeping my faith that I will come out of this hell, I have not been flying due to my medications, but every day gives me the hope that I will get back on skies again, I seek your blessings sir to help me keep at it and survive. I know Iam healing god bless
God bless and help you!
Hope you recover asap. 🙏
I am afraid of losing my will and enjoyment to live due to my existential depression. Every day is a living hell like yours used to be. The ping-pong analogy and evening relaxation really hit home. Can you offer any soothing words, i am feeling like this condition will never let up.
Follow Saint Padre Pio: "Pray, Hope and Don't Worry."
You're not alone. I feel exactly the same way. I see you posted this message a while back. I hope you're doing better.
@@RickAlfaro-ProSigns Thanks for the reply. I am still not doing well or at least the way i want to be feeling. i have my good periods and then it starts all over again. it is hard to describe but sometimes i feel i am in a bad dream which repeats itself all the time.
My hell is permanent. I have been in this hell for 18 years.
I get a little better and then something will happen and I go into that dark hole. My husband is not very supportive because I made him put his schizophrenic mother in a apartment. I couldn’t do it anymore
Taking care for his mother who refused medication.
I am so confused and don’t know what to do. I have been in rehabilitation facilities 3 times . I am fighting so hard. I don’t want to ruin my family and my 3 children but I am stuck. I’m not gonna get better if I don’t have the support of my husband of 26 years.
Have you thought of seeing a counselor. Being in a stressful marriage is incredibly difficult. Perhaps you could get some coping tools. I wondered if couples counseling would be helpful
I love how you say, "When i get my hands in the dirt I feel really grounded." You should use that one!
You truly have been through hell my friend, having suffered with anxiety for over 25 years I too know hell exists. Chat soon on the live chat
Depression can go to hell. Let’s see how it likes being there
Watching this video makes you realise the difficulties people suffer with depression. Remember it is an illness and professional help is needed to help recover. You wouldn't say to someone with a broken leg just think happy thoughts and your leg with mend. When you feel fine write down a message to yourself to remind you that you felt find on that day and the clouds will disappear.
I've just had to walk out of work due to my anxiety (my boss is understanding). I listen to you Doug for hope and to calm me. I feel like I am in hell too. I know I have to keep going.
Yes, I'm going to hell don't stop
@@DouglasBloch I think you might want to rephrase that Douglas ! 😂
That was Siri not understand my words. What I meant to say was, "when going through Hell, don't stop."
a beautiful video. I wish I had hope..
thank you for reminding me to take one day at the time, I really needed that
He's wishing you lots of hope for the new year 2020 best wishes
Same here,... this condition is so horrible & unbearable. How to have hope, when every day is so miserable. 🙏for U.!
Wow, Douglas, I had no idea. My problems seem so small after hearing your story. Thank you for sharing your story and trying to help us all.
I don't envy how you must have felt during depressive/anxious episodes, but I do envy the support system you had/have around you. As an "under-insured" person, I haven't been able to afford the co-pay to see a therapist in a year; psychiatrists are few and far between, esp. without a car, when it takes three buses to get to one; they leave town, as two of mine have; or they're in a different network when you switch insurers because you leave a job that's toxic and get healthcare through the marketplace! Not to mention the lack of a day treatment program. Didn't mean to rant : ) It's hard though...
You can rant all you want. The difficult as you stated are real.
@@DouglasBloch 🤗👍👍👍👍
Wonderful videos as always Douglas! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing your story it takes guts!
you sound like you were a proper neurotic "disaster" back then, doug. i have a neighbour who suffers even from "fear of getting the fear". i can only try to understand what that feels like, knowing that "it's coming" and that thought alone makes it even "come" quicker and worse.
so good you are beyond that hell now.
again, a very useful and comforting video.
Thanks. I'm glad the video was helpful
What happened to me was literally the same when you wrote the evening brings a little peace i felt that
Usually i used to get calmer in the evening and agitated in the morning
Douglas Bloch, ur something else. I just found you on you tube and I can't believe it took me this long. I love your talks. They are so informative and I want my brain to soak up everything you say. I so relate with ur story. This is an agonizing thing to deal with. Thank you and I'm gonna keep listening
Thanks for your kind words Kathy. If you want to hear other people stories of recovery, you should come to one of my live chats that occur every Sunday at noon Pacific time. Just go to my home page and click on the link when it appears.
This video was very helpful. I don't suffer from extreme anxiety but I know someone dear to me who does and now I know what I need to do to help them. Thanks!
Thank you for making this😊
I’m so thankful for you. Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s helping so many people, you are a God send.
You're welcome. I'm glad these videos are helpful
Man, I dont know why exactly but your insight really reaches me. Every single video I walk away from I hear something that really resonates with me. Thank you so much for everything you've shared, I'm ready to integrate with the world again.
Glad to hear it
Thank you, Doug!
I enjoy your videos so much!! Thank you for sharing them with us. Alot of good ideas and coping strategies.
You're more than welcome.
I went through a depressive episode 3 years ago that lasted 6 months and it disappeared. 6 weeks ago I had another episode of excruciating anxiety and depression that lasted 3 weeks. It disappeared for 2 weeks and came back with a vengeance now for the last 8 days and its been an excruciating suicidal pain and I have never experienced pain like this as these past 8 days- the most excruciating pain and I wake up in the mornings and vomit. Seeing my counsellor and upping my medication. Im so worried that this lasts long- these past 8 days have been hellish, unbearable pain
Sorry, to hear about your setbacks. If the pain disappeared before, it will leave again. Meanwhile, I have a video called how to respond to intrusive suicidal thoughts.
th-cam.com/video/AmvAhENMV4Y/w-d-xo.html
@@DouglasBloch thank you, Douglas. I really can't see an end to this. It's the worst it's ever been. The worst kind of episode
What treatments have you tried. There are many things that you can do to treat depression
@@DouglasBloch I've started reading your book Healing from Depression, I've increased my medication with the help of a GP and I'm doing hypnotherapy. Also got a 2 week course of sleeping tablets incase I need. Taken some hours off of work as I am self employed... I'm really just trying everything but I feel like how you felt in your book... unbelievable bouts of anxiety and depression, I even start vomiting.
I love all of you people. I wish the best and a peaceful existence. You are Gods from the stars. easy to lose sight. But you are.
Great advice..thanks Doug...( Colin from England)
THANKS DOUGLAS
Thanks Douglas
hate depression i feel like im going into one its been 6 months without it ..yes its hell
Very helpful video.
Thank you so much 💓
Gardening is a great therapy but it's hard to keep going when it's the focus for your anxiety. Or, at least, not an escape from other people that cause it.
Listening to this for the third time. I'm traveling in Wyoming from my home in Oregon, and it's an anchor for me bc I often listen to your episodes at home. My biggest issue is incessant worry. This leads to no sleep and lack of sleep leads to incessant worry. Vicious cycle.
There are a lot of good resources out there about worry. I just found out about a book by Joyce Meyer. Have you seen my video about worry? Where in Oregon do you live?
Wanted to thank you each time you share a typical day or how you deal with symptom flare up. I'm the type that is MAJORLY hard on myself when I can't function as well as days I'm feeling better. I wish I knew how to be more accepting of myself and not beat myself up when this happens.
I have a video called it “be kind to yourself” that I think would help you
@@DouglasBloch Thank you for taking time to reply! I will look that one up.😁
The bulk of each day is full of depression, anxiety, agoraphobia and other fears. Then, between 7:30 and 8:00 I usually feel close to what used to be normal for me. It is so hard to feel fear free, hopeful and able to function in the evening knowing I will wake up back in hell. Staying up later just makes the next day worse due to lack of sleep. Sine days I count the hours until 8 pm is coming.
Shirley Kaye i can relate. Agoraphobia makes everything so much harder.
I completely understand your situation. I am also going through the same thing. I take Unisom because I can't sleep and wake up between 7:00am and 8:00am and it starts all over again. It's awful!!
Shirely
I am feeling very similar to what you are describing
How are you feeling now?
Have you received?
Excellent video, my fellow traveler. I absolutely love the way you edited in the laughter after your joke ... hilarious! That should be in every video 🤣🤣🤣
Thanks for sharing
Thank you for your videos. It helps those of us in hell on earth.
Yes, it is hell. But even hell is temporary on this planet
Doug, mine is catatonic depression. I just sleep through the day and like you, by late afternoon and evening I am back to normal and feels like maybe tomorrow will be better.
I understand. If it doesn't get better on its own you might want to reach out to a mental health professional
How are you doing now? God Bless.
My life of constant anxiety inevitably leads to depression, I don't know how life would be without feeling anxious all the time. I can´t make myself believe that I can cure myself of anxiety, especiallly social anxiety and performance anxiety.
You’re recommendations are also good for chronic pain
I feel a lot less anxious and depressed once I walk into a church. Cant explain why
What causes the agitation? It can also be called an annoyance. Is it a physical or mental reaction?
Structure
Connection
Containment
3 things that are sure to make you feel better
❤❤❤
I am still waiting for support from a psychiatrist or nurse for my depression and anxiety
My earliest memories involve severe anxiety because my baby sitter would abuse me and my twin My upbringing was very draconian as well getting the belt or slipper lashed over my buttocks but back then I thought this was normal behaviour with all families
I am 42 now, just recently stopped using heroin and the only support I have is from my drug worker The past few days, with this good weather because everyone seems in a good mood and all I want to do is take a tablet that guarantees, that I don’t wake up from this hell I understand exactly what you mean when you say Groundhog Day and that is how my life has been since stopped street drugs I have almost given up hoping it goes away, after all I have always had negative thoughts in my head for over 30 years as I said at start of message, my earliest memories are of anxiety and fear causing untold ripple effects
Hang in there. It will take a while for your body to adjust to not having drugs. Are you going to any 12 step meetings such as NA? They can be a big support. There is also something called refuge recovery which is not a 12 step program but incorporates Buddhism. Going to an outpatient treatment program would also help
The clip of u pacing made my morning. 😆 I'm only laughing cause I've been there. Hell I might be there before days end. Let's hope not
That applies to both of us. Neither of us wants to go back to that place
Great video, Douglas. What caused this specific depression episode of yours?
A divorce from my wife, and then a paradoxical reaction to the antidepressant Effexor, which created something called akathisia, which I describe at in the beginning of the video. Akathisia is derived from Greek meaning, “not able to sit still.“
@@DouglasBloch did your ex wife ever find out or care with this divorce did to you? Just curious
@@DouglasBloch I had the same reaction to Abilify. I literally felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin. Like a fight or flight adrenaline rush. Very scary! No more Abilify!
I have a question, please. When you wake up in the morning and you feel your legs twitching or acting abnormally, is that because you have something in particular on your mind that's bothering you or is it from any cumulative neurological damage from anxiety per se? Thanks
The twitching legs was a function of the agitation caused by the drug. It was neurological. Eventually it went away
@@DouglasBloch thank you for your response. I like your videos. You have that reassuring tone about you.
I've been on Klonopin for 9 years @ 2 mg a day. The past few months it hasn't been as effective. I feel desperate and am considering suicide. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow in the hopes he will increase my dose to 3 mg per day. I'm doubtful that he will and I don't know what else to do.
Don’t give up. I’m sure they will increase it or give you an alternate medication.
Are you still with us? We are in hell too. You can’t leave. We need to help each other through this hell on earth. Hold on because there will be a great reward in the end. You will be welcomed into heaven like a hero soldier. Make it through to your natural end. Don’t leave us please.
I hope you are well. Look at what Doug went through, there is a hope dont give ip
Hello dannyboi
Are you better now?
I’m free of depression after doing Tms treatment. Before I was treated, I never got out of bed except for bathroom needs. If I decided to do scrapbooking, my hobby, all I could do was just stare at my materials and accomplished nothing. What advice would you have given me? Please try tms. It will free you from darkness
I’m very happy that TMS worked for you.
What is TMS?
What do you do if you’ve lived through this hell non stop for 13 years now ? What if you’ve tried over 11 anti depressants, 4 anti anxiety medications , TMS 4 times , CBT programs , 4 different psychiatrists? Now I’m about to try medicinal marijuana as my MDD and anxiety is resistant . What else can I do ?
I am sorry that you have been through such an ordeal. I hope that there have been a little bit of light that have come through and the times of darkness. Usually there is at least something positive we can hang onto, even if it is just a beautiful sunset. Also, have you ever thought of trying ECT?
Douglas Bloch I know one day I will wake up and feel better , I just need to find what works for me. I’ve just been approved for medicinal marijuana , so we will see how that goes. Also have been told I can try ketamine also if the medicinal marijuana doesn’t work. ECT , is that not dangerous ? It sounds pretty bad , but I’d try anything. Do you know of anyone whose had success with it ? Thankyou
ECT is not dangerous at all. It is very safe. You should talk to a doctor who performs ECT and learn about it and see you if might be a candidate. Keep trying different things. Eventually something will get better.
Hello Esra
Have you found something that works?
No, Klonopin is a hell like no other.
This reminds me of my life with my alcoholic husband
Hi. How are you? I hope you are fine. I think having a job or even volenteering can provide a structure to your day and saves you a lot of the anxiety.
I agree. I did a video on it. It is called something like the role of structure in healing from depression
🙌🏻
04:50 First time I heard you curse. Made me laugh.
This day sounds like heaven. We have nothing like these programs in UK. Everyone just left to deal with it on their own.
Sorry to hear that
How are you doing now?
Hey Douglas I have never thought of suicide but the past couple days I have can you tell me if there is suicidal episodes and does it occur to a lot of people or everyone if you can’t Douglas can anyone else respond to my question thank you guys sorry if I’m wasting you time y’all!
There are such thing as suicidal episodes, just as there are depressive episodes. Both of them come and go. They are temporary. This is why you need to hang on and seek mental health treatment. If you ever are afraid you might act on your impulses, go to the emergency room. The key is to stay alive until the urges pass. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention helpline at 1-800-273-8255. They are available 24 hours a day. Always remember to reach out when you’re feeling low.
Omg thank you so much Douglas !
You are more than welcome. If you would like to know of more resources, you can email me, douglasbloch@gmail.com Also, there is an amazing 24 hour prayer line called Silent Unity. If it’s OK with you I would like to put your name on their prayer list. You can also call them toll-free 1-800-669-7729. If you live outside United States you can call them at 1-816-969-2000. They will hold you in the light for 30 days and send you a lot of healing. How long have you been in this state? Just a few days?
Thank you yet again for another wonderful video :) Up here in northern Minnesota it's called PHP "partial hospitalization program" not even available now that it's such a small community. (funding cuts) My biggest hope is that some day caregivers won't chase wages (I do not blame them for wanting better pay) but will genuinely want to help people in smaller communities like mine that really need help!
Side note: PBS IS AWESOME!!!
PBS is awesome
Is it normal to feel worse as the day goes on? I just can't wait to make it to bedtime as of late.
Most people feel better as the day goes on but some people do feel worse. Have you reached out for mental health counseling
@@DouglasBloch Thanks for replying Douglas. Yes, I just started today. Taking one day at a time
whenever i feel down, i smoke weed. I can't stop myself. any help?
In the US we have Alcoholics Anonymous and we also have marijuana anonymous. You might want to see if meetings exist where you live. You can also see about getting outpatient treatment at a drug and alcohol center
Depression is hell. I'm in an episode now and waiting for ECT treatments. Has ECT helped you permanantly? Are you still benefitting from it?
Yes, I am still benefiting from ECT as did my mother. I also know a Doctor who received it and is still well. Hopefully you’ll have some good results.
@@DouglasBloch do you still take meds too?
u should do asmr videos , they help with relaxation & anxiety
is there any chance you are addicted to klonopin and the depression is withdrawal syndrome?
No, I stopped taking klonopin 23 years ago
@@DouglasBloch thanks for the reply. Its just i saw an interview with jordan peterson who was having difficult withdrawals from i think it was xanax or ativan. I take trazodone as an antidepressant myself, and the few times ive tried to stop i had very difficult experience. At this point i have chosen to stay on my current dose. Its seems to be working well, i have virtually no side effects, and it works really well to get a full nights sleep. Perhaps a little further down the line i may try a taper but not just now. 🙂
@@DouglasBloch have you ever heard of low-dose lithium. I take it for a month or two, a few times per year, its lithium aspartate 5mg. Which is much much lower than standard prescribed lithium which can be 400mg or more. I have found it to be effective as well. I would have unipolar depression. I dont know if that low dose is as effective for bipolar patients. But the low-dose seems to minimise side-effects
Depression came about 5 months ago.Went to a dark place quickly rumenations took over my thoughts .There were all the other symptoms of depression also but rumenations were hard.I started CBD and microdosing mushrooms also meditation.Well here and I am seeing things in clearer light .I have an appointment for government supported mental health care my four
month wait is almost up here's my issue.I am slowly getting better and there are others that need my appointment more than I do.Should I cancel and allow those in need quicker access.
NO! Keep your appointment and put taking care of yourself a priority. Just because you see some improvement doesn't mean you dont need help.
@@suzyq3225 You are right will do Thanks
Do you still take meds?
I take Wellbutrin and Lamictal.
Omg.iam the first to comment. Thanks Douglas
I feel like you are narating my story
I hope that my strategies were helpful to you.
@@DouglasBloch
Douglas my understanding is that your agitative depression was triggered by adverseed reaction to antidepressant. I wonder is it possible to go through agitative depression without any med triggering it, is that common? This is what happened to me.
Thank you
Did you ever find the root of your depression?
Drugs, just thinking about it is not an option. It’s been just about two months now since stopping the opiates and I’ve been walking around the block. Now I got a cold and throat infection and my body screams do not go outside but I still try my hardest. My landlord says that my brain has training my mind to stay in the house but my body has these intense anxiety to go out so I try again. God please help me!
Are you talking with your doctor or therapist about this
I can not carry on
Have you reached out for help to a mental health counselor. People can get through this day by day and hour by hour with support
So apparently I dont have bpd according to my new psychiatrist I have bipolar 2...and.gad and of course depression ...I told him how can I trust any psychiatrist when there diagnosing me in an hour ..ughh.these doctors are quacks and he's taking off of klonopin in a months time ..when I've been on a high dose for 5 yrs ..he's suppose to be a really good psychiatrist ...I guess.ill see .
Make sure you go very slowly off the Klonopin. Always good to hear from you.
I guess he didn't listen to me when I told him the other doctor took .e off within a month and I was so sick .....And this doctor is doing the same thing ...weaning me off in a month ........they dont care ,I'm sorry that's to soon .
Must be nice to have the money to support all this. I have none. Wish I could just move into the cuckoo's nest.