How to Recover from Narcissistic Relationships: Becoming Unstuck
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 มี.ค. 2023
- This live stream covers some of the reasons why we feel stuck after being in a long term narcissistic relationship or environment where we were been controlled, manipulated and coerced. Some of the reasons include grief, pain, rumination, flashbacks and so on.
But also looking at ideas to help people to recognise where they are stuck and how to move forward towards making healthier life decisions, better relationships and a better life.
As mentioned here are some of the resources Jay Reid offers to help people who have experienced narcissistic abuse - and check out his channel for some really informative content.
Here's a link to Jay's course for therapists who treat survivors of narcissistic abuse:
lp.jreidtherap....
A link to Jay's online course to help with Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse: jreidtherapy.c....
The link to Jay's free webinar on '7 Self-Care Tools to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse':jreidtherapy.c....
Here's the link to Jay's e-book on Surviving Narcissistic Abuse as the Scapegoat: jreidtherapy.c....
Private Facebook Support Group that Accompanies the Online Course: / recov. .
Take the narcissistic emotional abuse quiz: jreidtherapy.c....
Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation: jreidtherapy.c...
Jay's TH-cam channel has a wealth of information on narcissistic families and recovery. Subscribe to Jay's channel: / @jreid-heal-narci...
Just to remind everyone though, these ideas aren't a substitute for support from a mental health professional.
#narcissisticabuserecovery #narcissistrelationship #narcissisticabuseawareness
Hi everyone thanks for joining me this evening. As I mentioned earlier Jay Reid has a channel and resources to help people in their recovery from narcissistic abuse, as well as a course for therapists who work with those who have experienced narcissistic abuse. details below.
A link to Jay's online course to help with Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse: jreidtherapy.com/narcissistic...
The link to Jay's free webinar on '7 Self-Care Tools to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse':jreidtherapy.com/webinar-self...
Here's the link to Jay's e-book on Surviving Narcissistic Abuse as the Scapegoat: jreidtherapy.com/ebook-scapeg...
Private Facebook Support Group that Accompanies the Online Course:facebook.com/groups/recov...
Take the narcissistic emotional abuse quiz: jreidtherapy.com/quiz/narc-ab...
Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation: jreidtherapy.com/book-now
Jay's TH-cam channel has a wealth of information on narcissistic families and recovery. Subscribe to Jay's channel: / @jreid-heal-narci...
The link to therapists comes up with error message xx
why always talk about relationships? talk about family. oh, i had a narcissist boyfriend! boo hoo. people who were raised by narcissists are the ones who need real help. everywhere you look people who talk about narcissism ignore this. there is a preponderance of videos that talk about romantic relationships, and the real issue, which is how people whose entire growing up was ruined by narcissists can recover, is barely ever discussed. that should be nr. 1 topic. recovering from a childhood and adolescence under the control of a narcissist may have things in common with being in a romantic relationship with one, but these are still vastly different things on so many levels. i would like a video dedicated specifically to those who have had npd in their family as they were growing up.
I have a playlists on narcissistic families, and on recovery if there’s anything there you’d find helpful
Thank you so very much i appreciate your time you take to do this
Desame situation almost cried
They claim you are what they are. They shame you for what you are not guilty of. They project, onto you, what they know is wrong about themselves. Shaming you, while never a thought of making a change or two within themselves. Be kind to you, you are worth it. Boundaries are beautiful! 🧡
Excellent comment 🙏💙
It's called "The Blame GAME"
THEY GET IN FIRST, ahead of you...
Accusing you of what they're guilty of, before you can accuse them of their mind games and gaslighting, which shows they're fully aware of what they're doing... pure evil
@@369violetflame They are tricky.
I just need to clarify that my thumbs up = I agree, correct, NAILED IT.
This happened to me with one of my professors and I felt my brain changing and couldn't be able to sleep well since then ...help
Do not become the person that they are accusing you of being. That is brilliant.
I'm still "here" grieving after several yrs. Lost my entire family, and extended family. Close friends I can count on one hand.
hang in there..its not easy but you are in sync now
Wow! That's terrible. I'm so sorry to hear that.
Snap Alex to all what you have said, we much be tough cookies to go through what we have, best wishes.
Understood
I understand. I’m still ‘here’ too. And you know it’s for a reason isn’t it? We still have things to do, Alex. ❤🙏
Praying a swift and restorative healing for everyone on their journey and getting unstuck. May God bless you all
Thank you. God bless and protect you.
❤
It is so true that we are not grieving the relationship we had - but what we bought into - or as you say, were "promised". To quote the wonderful singer songwriter Chris Smithers, "Its not what I lost that makes me sad. Its what I thought I had." I very happy to finally be free of my delusion.
Chris Smithers brilliant
That's true if I'm just talking about our 'marriage' relationship, but I moved to be with my new husband, and I made a lot of new friends that I ended up having to leave behind😢. Believe me, this is a lot harder. Because I was already a widow who had lost my beloved sweet husband, and in the 12 years since, all my closest friends passed away. That was almost too much..😢😪😭
Oh yeh, I ruminate constantly. Because I just cannot believe that my defensive family wrote me out rather than have one conversation with me.
Same here! One by one my 3 family of origin siblings went after me even though I lived 2300 miles away for decades. It's happened over the last five years and I cannot unsee what I saw. I caller -blocked the last one recently a month ago and I'm not going back. Like you, I couldn't believe that they couldn't have that conversation cuz at one point I tried to have it and they denied whatever they did. (Even though I have flat-out proof). I can agree to disagree but they crossed the line big time and I can't go back after that
@@psychoholiday-ju1cpwhy would that happen? I’m just curious because when I left my narcissist ex my family were in full support
I will be 50 this year. I’m just she of my Masters degree in counseling. I’m struggling with PTSD, and have had to quit working. I do want to go back, even if I don’t use it professionally. I feel like my life has been robbed. I keep waiting for the right time. Idk what I really want anymore. I’m not able to do much. Everything feels hard.
I knew nothing about Narcissism until I was love-bombed, devalued and discarded by one. As Darren has said, it's the worst possible pain. I ruminate a lot but am getting stronger bit by bit. I've cried a river over the past 4 months!! It's easing off a bit. thank you Darren. this is so supportive.
Decades of abuse in the marriage does take time to heal, there is light at the end. I’m grateful for coming out of it.
I’m stuck because I stayed married to a psychopathic malignant narcissist for forty years. He alienated everyone, and made it clear that I would lose the whole family if I didn’t please him. It took me 10 years to get used to the idea of having nobody, including my 4 kids. After 2 hospitalizations I’m not making any new friends and the few I have left are all that keep me here. After having a horrible birth family all I wanted was family. I learned never tell anyone what is important to you because they will work to take it away. That’s my acceptance.
That’s our deepest child wound, and you story is my story of my mum. She died alone without her family and without me and her mother after 20+ years of abuse of my stepfather! She died on ALS, amythrophic lateral sclerosis on of the worst possible sickness I have ever seen in my life! So stay safe!
Similar here😢. I get you with my heart. Please don't give up. I send you so much love and courage. It wasn't our fault and we deserve better.
12 year marriage and I was just discarded and ghosted by my husband. I'm here because I need major healing
Same here
@@sylviaskinner6849 when did your husband leave? I wish you wellness, I'm still struggling to not grieve the future faking he did
I was. With her for 30 years. She threw me out three years ago. I still think it was my fault but at the time I had to leave.
I still missher every day
@martinholland2482 thankfully I don't miss my husband, I miss who I thought he was in my life. As you know,it's a painful realization 🙏 I wish you Peace 🕊
Temporarily having a narcissist housemate was absolutely horrifying. I am really angry and devastated that children live with that for years. I might even make career of pulling children out of that. I'm in the midst of a counselling diploma right now. I CANNOT believe how awful narcissistic abuse is. Utterly disgusting. Nasty. Nasty stuff.
I LOVE how you said "live in defiance".....YES❤
You're grieving the loss of yourself/your life and possibilities that you lost.
This is very helpful. I have been stuck for almost six years of trying to break free. (38 years of marriage) thank you for this topic . It’s very very helpful! For some people this is the only therapy we can afford . Thank you !!
God bless you covid had people realizing what is important.
Four long years no effective resolution.
Frustrating and not being able to be free of the trap I am still a hopeful but changing the pattern is PAST DUE!
Make new connections with people who value you. These people haven’t just given you nothing, they took pounds of flesh. My experience is literally every other person I have/and that you connect with will value you so much more, those experiences will begin to heal you. You have to balance out the nasty that’s been thrown at you with simple, genuine kindness. Small conversations can have enormous impact on how we feel. Maybe volunteering, I’ve considered it because damn! That’s guaranteed good fuzzy feelings! I hope you feel better! You’re very brave for leaving and the rest of your life is going to feel a lot better!
Lately ive been ruminating and blaming myself for my terrible choices and losing so much time with toxic people. Its been 20 years since i divorced the narc. 13 years since my narc parents passed away. 10 years since I last talked to my 3 siblings. Im trying to stay present, not get lost in the past.
Thirty years in … eight months out! No contact completely seems to be working for me 🙏
I can relate to your handle, LOL! I raise my 2 children alone, so I know what it's like to be a mama bear😅
Yes , we don’t like things things that don’t make sense and then there is the struggle to accept the lack of accountability , realizing there is no justice in the legal system , just walking away . Over three years out of a 35 year marriage and now still in divorce proceeding , trying to hold on to finances , all of this at retirement age ! Sometimes I am very angry and frustrated but ultimately relieved to be away from the abusive husband .
The road to recovery is definitely not a cake walk and you're correct in saying the pain hurts like no other.....I just keep reminding myself what my freedom looks like to me because it's definitely not what I'm currently living and after learning about this diabolical mess, I am determined to come out on the other side of this......thanks to people and videos like Darren and his heartfelt content.......and last, but not least, my Creator❤
That is what I am grateful for from enduring this mess. I was reintroduced to Jesus . We WILL come through this.....you never get over it, you learn to allow the experience to better yourself ❤
Diabolical,such a strong,word ,one used to describe someone I worked with,by another co-worker, I was shocked that she used it,only because she could not see what I was telling her about that co worker,to be careful around her,,until she came face to face with the devil,inflicting lies,and so called behavior, on another coworker..it was there that her blinders came off..
Diabolic is spot on....no better word to describe it
Yes, Darron, EXACTLY!! I’m grieving the relationship I wanted it to be, and….OMG…..the loss of time!!! Nearly 2 decades!!! 😭😭
Same. Many years of my life have been lost
@@heather5149 I’m so sorry Heather. Believe me I feel ya. Into my 18th year this year. 😫
Same
That's it time lost,,5 years for me in the prime of my youth.
Same here. Still stuck. Trying to get back to enjoying life. Currently can't find the joy!
Darren, your videos are full of important information that can help so many people. You have such a calm demeanor, while at the same time covering disturbing topics.
It's nice to hear a calm voice speak
I cannot agree more
I started with a shamanic rattle, rain stick, and books on trance like Where The Spirits Ride The Winds, and journey music. I sit in my house all alone facing out the sliding glass door looking at the changing maple tree in my Ohio backyard. Remaining still as possible. The rattle and journey music clear my mind. I am meeting myself. It was sad because I missed my son for whom I bought the house. It ended within four months of moving in...his rifle was locked up at the Sheriff's office and the protection order removed him from the house permanently.
Right now I'm shaking the rattle.
Sending love and strength. May your soul heal as time passes sister .
My path to healing is biblical and supernatural. I thank God for my Savior who walked me through to safety. I shook the demons off. 43 years of endurance. Victory.
Living in defiance! Not mean or violent but just in small ways that are meaningful to me!
I wish you were near! I'm the mother of the daughter who fled home with her 5 kids and pets after fleeing a very abusive husband! The word narcissism was one word she told her dad and I that we needed to study! My goodness! We didn't know of the abuse she was enduring! She was within hours of her death! He's still manipulating her life... Always 'making deals'! Divorce has been put off 3 times...his attys are much like him! Terribly upsetting! 💔
❤
Watch out: after that they slowly brainwash the children. The children believe it's her fault. The children cut off the mothers relationship. He destroys all he can and many things you didn't think he could.
Thank you Darren. I still live in his property. I have parkinsons disease and there is a housing crisis. Theres also my very aging dog...I live in defiance as you say. Ive cried so much, ive done that kind of grieving that has me spent and affects my health. I do experience anxiety, anger, boredom. Stopped being jealous of the new supply...i feel compassion for her. She thinks shes saving him. From me. Ive been placing small boundaries. No hugs, not very emotional sharing. Food, coffee? ok. The dog, the cat...ok .Maybe comment a movie etc. Nothing deep. Nothing about us, the relationship, the new supply, therapy...i minimize contact. Thats enough. I need self protection, new networks, couple old good friends. Thats it. I like your calm style. Its inspiring. Right now im listening to Darren from Belfast from the middle of nowhere in Co Galway.I strive for sovereignty. Bit by bit. Thans a million. From the bits of soul he hasnt stolen.🙏
Dear HekateMoonLight, I know you have sovereignty already. Your strength is evident, you know your integrity and protect it. Your story is partly mine, living on the same property, caring for old pets, waiting to move on. Keep strategic! Wishing you the best outcome possible. I'm 8 years on from the divorce and I just found out what to call the abuse I endured for 30 years!
I feel better about my choices after watching this. Leaving saved my mental health! I was confused what I was looking for from my cheating x fiancée. I don’t feel so crazy!
"The worst thing a person could do to themself is hate someone else."
“They think about winning the battle. But recovery is the ability to think ahead - thinking about winning the war” …
Your calm demeanour is so soothing. This video was so helpful, thank you
i was discarded again yesterday. i keep making the same mistake. Your video helps me become accountable for my part in falling for the hoover.
Oh please, please don't be hard on yourself. I always say "the problem with being deceived is that you're deceived." I was hoovered also and then dropped flat on my face just days later. WE reap what WE sow, so continue to sow kindness and love. God bless you!
@@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753 thank you for caring enough to find such kind words
Dear Darren, 11:30, it's totally obvious that you completely understand narcissism. I think this was one of your first videos I watched. I'll never forget you saying "because it hurts like hell; there's no pain like it." I hear your words and tone ringing in my ears, and I don't think I'll ever forget it! You are a man on a mission of help and encouragement for our healing, and I can't even express how much I appreciate you.😘.
16:50 I'm definitely grieving the version of him that he presents to the rest of the world. I'm grieving the way the relationship made me feel, during the short periods when it was good. I'm also grieving the relationship I believed we could have had. And, I'm grieving the relationship I was promised.
I understand you. Going through the same
Totally. So sad and hard..😥
Yes, we're in the boat with you... it gets better, really. It takes time, and you have time, since your heart is still beating. You're in a place now where you can enjoy being blessed! Go ahead-- Be comforted. No one lives a life on this Earth where everything is great every minute.
4:42 “we don’t like things that don’t make sense” “how are they going to hurt me” - so true in relation to rumination about narcissistic sibling. I’m trying to heal myself, and gray rock.
I loved this video so much! ❤ be the best version of yourself which sometimes is enough to be a villain for them. Be the villain - say no, have boundaries, be assertive, self-confident, self-trusting, independent, reasonable, sensible, grounded in reality and your own integrity and authenticity ❤be the hero of your own story❤ thank you Darren❤
Yes, be all that, which is A LOT of extra work, and be unhappy because, as I heard Darren say once, it doesn't change a damned thing--then be discarded, or still have to leave, either way. But I'm here to tell you, getting out and getting gone is the gift that keeps on giving! So grab onto each thing it gives you, even if it's only one thing per day. Don't tell yourself it's going to take forever to heal. Darren is amazing at unpacking what we need to know and connecting the dots. He's so encouraging and uplifting! I was amazed at the progress I've made in 4 months, and I was also healing from an illness that almost took my life. Life is a gift that is always giving. Receive all you can. One day maybe it's peace and quiet, maybe it's a day in bed because you're exhausted. Maybe it's comfortable pillows and a comfortable bed. Maybe it's a soft rain that refreshes the air. Maybe it's birds singing, maybe it's a breezy day, or low humidity. Have something on your lips to thank God for every day, and be blessed!😘
Love your videos, no need for music etc that's just distraction. Love what you do.
We can't get the quick fix from our pain, i wish we could, but we can listen to you. THANKYOU ❤
I think that "right now" idea should be helpful for me to avoid flash backs and invasive thoughts. And looking at my strengths should make me feel better.
OMG. This is one of the best videos about healing from narcissistic abuse I have ever seen.
It was informative, helpful and full of heart. I feel heard, validated and seen.
Thank you Dr Magee! This is gold!
Agree!
This is incredible. This is spot on!! You are reading my mind so many things I've said as I recover from a abusive narcissistic discard and divorce court.
The pain of betrayal is like a bottomless pit. Thank you for providing clarity and a path to move forward ❤
I can only say thank you sir. And I am curious how you know my life having never met me? You know my every thought and behavior. Exactly!
I don't expect to ever recover they kill a part of you that is optimistic or happy I have serious trust issues now and am completely introverted this is a result of not just the original narcissistic abuse but how I was degraded by others also after fleeing it's a very enabling society I came to realize virtuous traits like truth or justice just do not prevail and that's a depressing realization.
We think we can fix it, we can't!
Thank you! I find there are so much videos online about what happens to the narc after YOU go no contact. But the struggle after you have done so can be a tough time, with problems sleeping, depression, navigating it all between family trying to contact you, fb friends that the narc contact to get to you. The fatigue, and following the isolation, due to the fact you are too exhausted to get out and start the new and better life.
It is thoughts of the public and private faces of my ex partner that I still find most disturbing and difficult to come to terms with now that I have left the relationship. Videos like yours Darren help to validate my thoughts and experiences.Thank you so much to you and the people who comment.
Thank you. this has been very helpful. I am almost one year out of a 25 year toxic relationship. Unfortunately the ex is living next door. The ring tone on my phone is I will Survive. And I will!
I would definitely have to move.
Your are a doctor. regardless. I have watched a great number of videos on narcissism, and I find that yours have the most depth and are most informative. I greatly appreciate it. Topics like reactive abuse, strawman fallacy, gas lighting, circular reasoning, manipulation, triangulation, coercion/control, and flying monkeys, take time to explain, and a short description from many of the videos out there, does not help much. You cover them extensively, and that is invaluable. Narcissism destroys environments, responsible for many wars, is a prerequisite for ethnic cleansings and can be for genocides. On personal levels, it is the biggest stress inducer out there, and as we know, when it comes to our health, stress is one of the biggest killers. Thanks Darren.
Thank you for your kind feedback I’m glad you find the videos helpful
You're way better than James Bond, Dr. Magee
Somewhat the information that it is unlikely that a narcissist will ever change, gave me a massive relief instantly. I am not going to waste my energy in efforts to change the way she behaves and hope for better, except where my 3 year old daughter is involved. When toddler comes to me in the morning and says that she is afraid of mum, I feel obliged to protect her. Sad. But, it is what it is. Thanks for confirmation of my own conclusions I came up during over 20 years of relationship , I just could not believe that it could be truth. Self doubt played a nasty joke making me paralyzed and unable to act wisely. Thank you.
Dear Darren, 24:09 "we can get stuck trying to make sense of them, because they make no bloody sense!😅😂 Who the hell acts this way?"🤣😆 You crack me up! And Every time I bust out laughing, then have to replay it 3-4 times so I can laugh some more😆🤣, it's so uplifting😄🙂🙃, and I KNOW it's my sign of healing, because I love to laugh, always making word puns and dumb jokes, corny jokes, was always 'the cartoon lady' with cartoons posted on my cubicle at work. I have good sayings on a few plaques around the house, and different things to find hiding in drawers. My sweetheart late husband and I always wrote each other love notes and cards and hid them. THIS is how love behaves! It makes a lovingly beautiful and contented marriage and life. He's been gone 13 years and I miss him so much! This has been my hardest row to hoe. For me, dealing with a recent bad remarriage isn't as hard as losing a husband I loved so dearly. He actually deserves being missed and remembered daily, and every tear I've shed.
Good advice 👍
- stop hoping they will change
- stop explaining yourself
- yes, do what is in your best interest
- stop arguing in motive arguments
- be the villan, but not their villan
- have boundaries
- don't be trapped in the moment, look to the future
I discovered you yesterday and have been listening to your videos one after the other. I hink my beautiful daughter may be a narcissist, im currently in councelling to sort out the confusion and mess in my mind that I have been left with (no contact for 2 years) I love her so much but had to break away when I swear I actually felt my heart break. Thank you so much for your video content. You are giving me 'light bulb' moments and validation. God bless 💐
I understand that heart feeling. I felt it when my wonderful loving husband passed away 13 years ago. It's shocking to me that every one of the very few men that I've since allowed in my life has lied to me.
Thank you Darren for your videos. They are a comfort, I am glad I discovered your channel through that of Jay Reid. I’ve been trying for many years to attain freedom from the ties that bind, having been “raised” by a narcissist and her enabler. It’s been a lonely path, but these videos give me the comforting message that I’m not alone.
At times helpful and at other times distressing,,editing is needed. Please
I am so glad to have come across your videos. The way you explain everything just makes it sink in. The rumination drives me crazy. Questions like Why is my mom this way? Why does she treat me that way?
…. I get it now. Thank you.
My perspective is similar to yours on prioritizing your time and energy on relationships with people who value mutual respect and trust. People who aren't invested in you aren't worth investing your time or energy. They often get into conflicts with people who they devalue, or can't control. But when they try and fail at making you explain yourself to them , you will free yourself of an endless cycle of defending yourself to a toxic person.
Thank you for your kind demeanor and incite. I have been in pain for over 6 months with no end in sight. Am seeking counselling for the first time..
Thankyou so very much for your time, and either or both of your commitment to your field of work or helping others. For the first in a long time I’ve needed support after a devastating 18 months. I am seeing what I’ve realised as a good outcome. I have surrounded myself with narcissistic, likely recreating the relationships I grew up with with my parents. I have found myself abandoned and amidst very hard times. Your videos are bolstering me through this. Your comments resonate deeply, and you give hope. To me and to others who in difficult times don’t have the resources to seek advice and therapy to map the way out. Thankyou. You are making a difference.
I like your point on "it's okay to be the villain. ". I definitely encourage you to make an entire video on this. This is something I really struggle with and I'm sure others do as well. It has kept me stuck for so long. Thankyou
"Grieving from the relationship we hope we would like to have "🙌I just realized I do not want to meet my mother due to her toxicity and narcissistic personality traits. It is better for my own sanity, but it makes me extremely sad that I can not meet her and have this good quality time together, talking, cook relax etc 😵💫 It makes me extremely sad this is not an option for me and that is part of the grieving process🥵
Your episodes are well put together, keep on doing this.
Jay Reid (family scapegoat recovery), Dr Ramani (understanding narcissism from a clinical psychologist), Professor Sam Vaknin (deep analytical dive into NPD, BPD, psychopathy, HPD, Sam is a diagnosed narcissist and psychopath), Tamara Hill excellent psychotherapist on many aspects of family trauma and dysfunction), all have TH-cam channels with multiple perspectives. Most importantly, our self care is everything in calming and healing years/decades of what should never have happened to you, and you didn’t deserve it, and you are so much going to love yourself, and be able to deal calmly and nonchalantly with these ‘difficult’ personalities/systems when you have learned from these experts, including Patrick Teahan, and stepped into your true adult self and your own power. Not theirs.
I would love it if you would discuss PAS and how it affects our children and even grandchildren. So little in this topic. My 3 adult children treat me as their father did. So hard. Thanks for considering.
This is true.I am empath however my heart has been broken to many times.I take this advice with gratitude
It's like you are reading my mind. Your videos make sense to me. Thank you.
Thank you. This is so helpful. This has been hard for me to talk about and explain. It’s like you’re inside of my mind and saying everything I need to hear. Feeling very heard and helped…
Love your work on here, Darren. It's been so helpful over the last few years.
Thank you for this video. Makes me feel stronger and more prepared to move forward.
Thank you for your videos. They are really helping me process my complex feelings while lifting some of the weight I've been carrying inside.
Just found your vids Darren, and your giving more truth than my old therapist did! You're telling my story 100% here. Thank you!! Narcissism and LOADS of passive aggressiveness and what I call "backhanded compliments" from my family.
At 18 I had a live in situation for three years, at 29 a marriage for six years, at 40 a marriage for 14 years. I've been alone ever since. The first one was the worst. What I've noticed helps the most is just getting new experiences and history behind me, which takes time, but "Time Heals." Things I used to do as a kid I now take a more in-depth interest in. I also systematically rid my home of triggers, like his handwriting on a box, etc.
Yes, Jay Reid is fantastic, such deep insights he has
Darren...I just remembered this...I had to many years had no issues with the ex or my mom..I had moved on as it were..5hen out of the blue I had a flashback of my narc mom and I went into a violent rage...this memory at first was just sensed.. then later her image came with it..then the full-blown memories of her! It was like for years your mind suppressed it and had it hidden away. So it came as a total shocker and right outta the blue... and extremely strongly...its was like someone who has a triggered episode and that person having ptsd at the same time! Just like recently my kid saying he wants to hang with my ex and that he idolized him..and that the ex was visiting him as well. i freaked right out... told my kid. you hang with him...lose my number cos i just cant and wont go there at all! Been there,..done that ..and don't ever want that again!!! The horror I got from that trigger was just way too much for me to revisit or go there or handle...my ex left very deep long lasting scars that I repel anything ....even a hint in that kind of direction now from anyone! It's fight or flight with me now. Any of those triggers are just pure unadulerated repulsion to me!!! I even hate arguments and fighting like the plague now too... it scarred me that badly.. that deeply...there are things I just won't tolerate at all now..never again! I'm like a dog that has. Even severely beaten by it's own over a long period of time, neglected and starved to death...doggy new Rea patio when triggered... bite hard and go for the kill!!! there are no more second chances the second time around...lesson learned the first time... beware..mad dog nearby...🐕
the grieving section @14:13 up to mourning the illusion @16:57.. very helpful. not alone, but normal stages with no particular order.. thanks, man.
The five stages of grief and hearing that they're not linear really helped me years ago. In fact, I was denying that I was even suffering any grief because who needs someone like the way they turned out at the end, right? Allowing the random order of it to occur kept me from forcing some unnatural recovery from the change on myself
Thank you for addressing this Darren. Spot on. It is a continual grief process 💕😞💐it does feel like you are letting go of a version of yourself that was with them in the past. And grief of the one you hope would be in the now.
Yes, true
Darren, in such a kind fashion, you just validated and summarized what I've gone through the last three years. Interestingly enough, it was more regarding addiction. I feel like addiction and narcissistic behavior are so parallel. Anyway, THANK YOU! I hope you truly know that your efforts are appreciated!
this video has been the most helpful of them all.After I left my marriage, 14 years, I managed to find others just like him.And I think my relationship with my oldest sister is ground zero. The abuse she bestowed upon me was where I learned to be stuck and reminiscing over and over the hurt that I still do today. I have been comsumed with the over and over to where I can't focus on today. Thank you so much for giving suggestions that I can use, just to exist in relationships where there is no getting away from. Blessings from Atlanta Ga
Hey! Atlanta, Stone Mountain and Clarkston native here!
I’ve just ejected my toxic family from my life. Fortunately, I’ve got zero guilt because I never had any relationship with any of them. Can’t miss what you never had
Really appreciate your kindness. Thank you for posting these videos.
Wonderful video..as always...I particularly love your advice of staying present and being the observer of your own thoughts/emotiins/limiting beliefs....this is such a wonderful excercise when practiced often...it makes your realise that you have been none of the thoughts/ emotions etc ...very stabilising and empowering 💪💕 . Love your videos thank you xxx
This is a honest, compassionate, brilliant exposure of a difficult human experience.
Thank you, dear colleague!
My new go to channel. Great information and understanding and very soothing pace and tone. My last therapist was terrible and im of the mind that the relationship with a therapist is essential to growth when we are in such difficult situations. A few channels I love and this is now one of them. Every bit of knowledgeable we gain of the problems involved and of ourselves is all helpful. Thank you
Darren-
having also just stumbled upon your videos, I would like to join the mass of of your audience in thanking you.
I had only recently read something that had a few descriptions of narcissism, but it was enough to catch my attention by its accuracy in describing the woman with whom I’ve been in a 10+ year relationship- 5 years of which have been very toxic and very difficult.
Because of the first 5 perfect years I have been in a sort of conscious denial about my situation.
I’ve kind of known for some time that it’s not going to get better, but having 5 years of a beautiful relationship before it turned toxic helped me slip into denial.
Hearing you say that a person could be stuck because they are hoping that the person they fell in love with will come back when most likely they will not. Or maybe they never existed. Your words have helped me step away from that denial.
There’s a feeling of abandonment and a slight disbelief that someone could put on such a good act for so long before showing their true colors.
Never the less, I am ready to face forward and begin to move on.
So thank you from the bottom of my heart
This is the first time I have listened to your Chanel I found you have been the most helpful in getting better having lived with a narcissistic daughter. The narcissistic daughter is not often spoken about. I feel this is an area that needs a little more attention. I am the mother of a narcissistic daughter who has destroyed and tortured me for years.
As have I. My mother was a Narcissist and my daughter was very similar. Her Narcissistic rages and vengeful attacks were diabolical. I feel your pain.
Oh goodness. I wish we had a place to talk. My son is 33 and I am coming to this same conclusion. I kept hoping he would have a breakthrough and see his crazy false narratives…as a mother how do we not take some of the blame for who they have become? For letting this happen?
I love the book The Count of Monte Cristo too. I thought it was a romance book so imagine my surprise when people call it a revenge story. Still one of my favorites.
I have been searching for so long for an explanation like this. This is by far one of the best videos on narcissism on TH-cam. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this! I finally feel I can move on after hearing this!
Thank you Darren. You have helped me a lot and I appreciate your good, solid, well presented work. Thank you.
Please know you are making a powerful and valuable difference in people’s lives. Thank you
31:29 stop hoping they will change. Take care of you again. Because that is who you really must help
Thank you for this video!! Helped me see where I am stuck after spending so much time hunting for why I am stuck
This what I told my mom "I feel stuck". this was before I realized my dad is narcissistic. the title hits the nail on the head. I'm grateful for your video, as it validates everything i felt and helps me to continue put myself first and stop looking for reasons why some ones actions are the way they are.
So much amazing information to unpack there, thank you so much Darren. Going to listen again, as I so often do.
Me too 😊
You are speaking life back into my life. Thank you
Your words are helping me so much
I left my covert narcissist ex GF in 2016. As you all know they put us through hell before we leave. I never spoke to her again. Lost count how many times she hoovered over the years. She still tries and she's been in another relationship for a few years. I'm over it all now but I still get triggered and angry sometimes. But I will never speak to her again. I'm also not the same person I was before I met the narcissist. Resigned myself to being single the rest of my life. Only 43 years old, but I'm never risking loving another woman again. They are just not worth it. MGTOW for life now.
That’s exactly what she wants for you- to not meet someone who will truly love you. I have an amazing partner and he suffered severe narc abuse- I can see the struggle but I love him and he’s getting used to a healthy relationship. Please don’t give up on love- it does exist. Trust yourself ❤
I am in the "living in defiance stage". Thank you, I did not know there was a word for it.
" Why the HELL did they do that?"
Why was it my own adult daughter who relentlessly holds the attitude that says - " You owe me forever after failing as a parent".
Thank you. It's so hard and it takes sooo long.
Very good video, it’s all about grieving at some point, been there and your spot on. It get’s easier after much grief work, you become stronger.
Thanks Darren for your video, at the end you said let go, well after this it does get easier and it frees up space for good people to come into your life, takes time to trust again and sometimes you get caught out again but there is a planet of people and not all are bad.
Thank you Darren for your knowledge, good advice,and this video. I have been stuck, but working on myself for the last 2 years, watching u tube, on Narcissistic behaviour combined with Dementia. My husband. I find your voice very calming. Much appreciated.👍🌟