I learned a Narcissist is ONLY happy when they are stealing your joy and happiness. Making you miserable and cry. Then blaming you. RUN, don’t walk away, RUN.
@@menotyou6254 Wow! It is great that you are aware. The house has many people in it and they all deserve a place that that they can make a home. That can only happen in the absence of materialism/competition. It is a harsh reality when you realize, you are the only one who cares about control.
I've been married too long to this Narcissist and it's at the point where there's just no more communication, it's just him snapping at anything I say...so NO talking..no eye contact, no eating dinner together, and when they see you happy..boy do they want to take that away too.
For many years I sympathetically tried to understand my narcissistic father and whatever trauma he had in his life, but it was a total waste of time. Narcissists cannot be cured and they will not change. NO-CONTACT is the only solution. After my father died, we found out that he had lied about his education and his military service. He was a real piece of work.
Dr. Carter, Thank you so much for literally saving my life! I was sinking into the depths of depression and physical illness. Your videos helped me understand what was wrong with my husband and what to do about it. Nearly 4 years ago, I forced him to leave. Even though he had depleted our bank and retirement accounts. He had future-faked me into an early retirement because he knew that would make me dependent on him. It hasn’t been easy financially, but I have not regretted my decision for one minute. I am free, happy, and enjoying my life at age 67. Thank you for your wisdom and kindness. God bless you.
This is so shocking. No wonder you were ill. I too have experienced physical and mental illness through this form of stress. Your own health and sanity is priceless though. You're worth it 🙏
I am so very happy for you Janet. May God bless you and keep you. Remember we are never alone for He is with us always. This has helped me every day. Age 80. I took his name off of all of my accounts years ago and he had a fit but I did not care. It was coming off.
No matter how big, popular, charming, or beautiful a narcissist may be they truly have no sense of letting things go and being at peace. They must harm, conquer, groom, and destroy to feel good. A person not caring about popularity or impressing a group and living in peace is their ultimate enemy and no matter what evil such a person suffers at the hands of any narcissistic loser the narcissist will always lose.
0 my other comment, at least i can feel disfunction, my narcissist traits or not bent out of control, watch out, man you will turn like, me bad ,i finally got to really tell you your a weak minded person, now nothing sets right with me, i played retard even more now, get this bent trait gone now, someone out there is hitting rock bottom, they have red blood. help me stop hating, this out come that became forth, my humanity left, so i turn on to the danger zone, this was not supposed to happen ,this brain wave, please dont let me believe it could even be in my history, all i want is a natural love to feel not, this, you is responsible for my tears, the Bible does say, my brother my sister my neighbor shall know horror, suffering, pain, the actual heart of people, a personality disorder caused horror, not the Lord, the devil put his two cents in my life way to long. and now i walk in hey is it true. I can turn on you
You have described my mother and sister so very well. I allowed their poison to keep me desperate, hysterical and ill for decades and just recently had enough. Now, they shall not have me as their punching bag any more and shall have to concentrate on each other for their “supply”. I have no doubt that they shall completely destroy each other and I don’t feel at all upset or sad - for the first time in my life. 😊
The weird part of it is that while doing that grooming, conquering and destroying of us some of them believe they are helping us after starting to believe their own lies.
Exactly. That's why they target people who don't "fit in", regardless of the nature of that environment. If you're not conforming, you represent everything they cannot obtain for themselves: freedom to be yourself.
Something I have noticed is that they don't hide their elation when someone else is miserable or they've made them feel miserable. There desperation shows on that level totally!
Experienced divorce attorney here. I love Dr. Carter’s videos because they help educate the unwary recognize and possibly avoid marrying a narcissist. Get educated about narcissistic personality disorder. If you get a whiff of narcissistic behaviors from someone you are dating, run! And don’t look back! Stay safe out there.
Yes Narcissists are miserable desperate people full of unjustified envy. Narcissists secretly don't want others to be happy. -shut the door 🚪 on these toxic relationships and keep enjoying your life.
They envy our ability to regulate our own feelings because they've never experienced true joy without having to bring down somebody else to make themselves feel good.
@@PussnBoot2516 Absolutely. I think regulation is a key factor. I can’t handle their dis regulation anymore. If they were stable they’d be less miserable.
These are truly defective people in that they appear not to be able to learn. Once it becomes apparent, their shortcomings become everyone else's fault.
@@beauthentic7493 this made me laugh way too hard... That's exactly it... They play completely dumb and stupid and can't remember anything, except what everybody did to them... What a bunch of idiots..... 😅😂🥴
I AM IN CONTROL OF MY MIND! I AM IN CONTROL OF MY BODY! I AM IN CONTROL OF MY SOUL! Repeat this every day when you wake up and then whenever you need it! It Helps!
I think there is a type of N that was a spoiled “golden child” and they can’t stand not getting that constant validation once out of the home, as an adult. Plus they grew up with a competitive, “winning or losing” mentality. Yes, totally simplistic, and immature, and either manipulative to get their way, and/or vengeful toward the world that is not worshipping them.
All explains my daughter minus the winning or losing mentality. She wasn't raised with that! She was spoiled and demanding. I don't believe they all have this deep pain, unless it's from knowing how rotten of a person they really are. I think they have a dark spirit in them. Not ALL narcs are from bad homes/parents. !!
THAT'S my brother all over !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He "had" to WIN every single game he ever played, every time. After awhile, that's just not any fun, who wants to "play" with someone like that? Ironically (but maybe not, Dad was NUTS, too), the only time my Dad ever got pissed off at my brother... was for something my brother was NOT in any way responsible for-- when some woman's car left in neutral rolled down an incline RIGHT into Dad's car while my brother was driving it. It was insane-- year after year, Dad praised everything my brother did, knocked everything I did, yet that time, he went into an insane rage against my brother, and it WASN'T my brother's fault (I know, I was in the car when it happened). I often wonder how I wound up being the only person in my immediate family who WASN'T crazy.
This is my daughter in law!!! Growing up, her dad put her on the biggest pedestal he could find. On her wedding day during his speech, he looked at my son and said, “She was mine first” 😮 she’s not into competition, but she wants all attention on her. I don’t kiss up to anyone, not even my own kids, and she hates me for it
Do not engage or respond to a narcissist. They will try to contact you and get you to respond and they will try every trick in the book to get you back in. Block them out of every aspect of your life.
How do you extricate yourself in a healthy way from one ( flying monkey as well) that doesn’t get the hint. Or get them to stop without being the bad actor? No conversation, blocking, no contact works. Now they’re coming to my house & sending notes after the master puppet sent them to get info on my family. 🤦♀️. I thought I’d gotten rid of them. Felt so good when I cut the cord.
Better that We block Them. The ONLY way to deal with a narcissist is to put them in the past and don't go back. **Only 1 reason a narcissist might block You > They want you to beg for them to pay attention to you :) They think You are like them and incapable of being ignored. :) Don't fall for that manipulation.
Before I realized the abusive ex was an NPD, I kept thinking "why is he always so miserable but arrogant at the same time, why is he so blind to his hypocrisy, why is he a failure but expects everyone to believe and obey him?" Now I know.
Comes down to, "I'm not happy. I feel terrible about myself, but I am not able to process that or repair myself or the nasty things I've done, and my misery must be YOUR fault." Misery loves company, and they resent the capability and happiness of more authentic, confident people. So they try to swamp you and take you down.
This just happened to me in a (luckily) very short term relationship of two weeks before I caught on, she couldn't stand that I stood up for myself and actually expressed healthy boundaries and joy
I have noticed a connection between some depressions and other cognitive difficulties. Like not understanding that triangulation, alienation, invalidation, hypocrisy, gaslighting, glibness, entitlement and projection are anti-social behaviors. This can manifest as a person who does not understand boundaries and competes with people who are not competing with them.
"competes with people who are not competing with them" This instantly brought to my mind the guy at work who was hired by his friend (the new chief engineer, an incompetent guy hired by the owners STRICTLY on the basis of his expensive DEGREE). I heard 75% of the people in the factory hated the guy, but he picked ME as his enemy, because he realized one day that I KNEW he was an idiot. He was so insecure about his job, he was terrified I might try to have him fired-- so he spent 3 YEARS trying to have ME fired. I'm not a violent person, but every so often, I fantasize, that guy better hope & pray he never steps in front of my car... (Fortunately for me, I haven't seen the jerk since 1988.) He always reminded me of the character "Max Zorin" played by Christopher Walken in A VIEW TO A KILL. (His boss, the incompetent chief engineer, nearly destroyed the company-- I don't how know they're still hanging on in businees to this day.)
The world divides up into two types of people: those who have terrible experiences and say, "I vow never to make anyone else feel the way I felt." And those who say, 'I was made to feel terrible so now it's my turn to make someone else feel terrible.' I call it the Fred Flintstone school of ethics. (Actually that's a little unfair to Fred Flintstone...)
They are very controlling, always correcting the words you speak, always have an agenda, twisting your thoughts on things and definitely have triggers ! I stand my ground, I walk away, I put boundaries in place , grey rock them & I display my happiness in full force around them ! They really hate when they see that what their doing has no effect on you. They usually go very,very quiet at that point.
I am a compassionate man but after what I've been through I'm not concerned with their feelings. Did I love them and does it hurt ? Yes but I've closed that door and thrown away the key. To be on team healthy I must do what is best for ME
I know he can't and won't heal and awaken in this life but I light a candle of love and healing and protection for the young child, baby, teenager and young man in him that had a diabolical Narc Mother and absorbed all her toxic desperation and projection, damaged ego and inner rage..and one for her too, against whomever treated her that way and right down that whole family line, right back to the original wounding in time. Light of healing and protection and guardianship of their true sense of self and worthiness.. against repressed and projected, denied and defended darkness. He was absolutely rotten to me, no doubt and I light a candle for my heart and for anyone reading this who is in pain. Soothing, guidance, protection and gentle profound healing ♥️ I am leaving his sensitive dark soaked heart in the hands of the highest good..not my job to heal him, nor can I ..but please life help us all to accept the things we cannot change and to change the things we can. Much love
I told my bastard husband the same thing! I told him, "it's not my job to fix you; that's your job!" I won't allow him to do that to me! He's sick! I always tell him there's something wrong with you! He's been going to therapy for 36 years that I know of! I don't think anything will ever help him! I just have to take care of myself now! I've had so many physical injuries! I told him how come I always get hurt (God forbid); never you! I'm working very hard on getting out of this sick marriage! I cannot stand the sight of him and try my best to stay away from him! I totally don't even know him any more! We need to pray for each other~that we get them out or we get out! Praying for you and every one of you who is living this nightmare! I wish you PEACE.🕊💙
My ex girlfriend just told me after I told her “ you can’t keep transferring all that negative energy onto me” she said “ well if you not gonna be my support system then this is not gonna work “ I said “ ok” we haven’t spoke in a week
Scott peck the author of "The Road Less Travelled" said that "Emotional sickness is avoiding reality at all costs, while Emotional health is facing reality at all costs". Beautifuly simple idea but difficult to live up to. It really is the road less travelled and seems like getting lonelier all the time.
When someone is happy ,I feel happy for them too when someone is sad ,if I can not make their day better ,I put myself in their shoes and let them be when someone is not well I wish them to recover ,when someone achieve something I celebrate with them .I dont look down on anyone .even a narcissist when they are not there I see their beauty outside their behaviour .
Thank you, Dr. Carter. When I was pregnant with our first born, my ex offered me the opportunity to be a full-time at home mom because that's how he grew up and he thought it would be good for our kids. He didn't insist, it was up to me. Being a latch-key kid who was shipped off every summer, of course I overwhelmingly accepted the opportunity to be home. It used to grate on me every time he told me, "Good job." Rather than show me the respect and appreciation I deserved. I get it now. Not only was I being "lorded over", I was "put in charge" of tending to his latent needs (being an attentive mother to "his" kids meant I was an attentive mother to him, too.) Except that instead of being on the same level and allowing me to help him work through the damage, I was the proxy through which he took out his pain. The set-up and passive aggressiveness was non-stop. I see the cycle now. I also see that it was never my "job" to fix what was broken in him.
Ugh. . . A you have opened up a whole new thing to consider . I stayed home with my kids and my ex was the only child of a single mother and absent dad. He secretly hated my family and I for what we had that he felt robbed of. I am now wondering if what happened to you was the deal with me too. He did the old “wait until the kids are of age and then leave” deal. 25 years of marriage and he just drops. It was a hot mess in the end and he did all the classic narc moves: tried to paint me as crazy, launched smear campaigns and tries to turn all of my closest friends against me, played the “poor me, I am the victim here” card. It was astounding what came forth when the mask fell off. Very difficult the radically accept that the entire quarter of a century was one big game to him. I truly think he was waiting for my parents to die so he could cash in on inheritances as he planned his escape. My parents are still very much alive and kicking and he got ZERO in the divorce. My one consolation is our two beautiful kids who I pray every day don’t inherit his narcism!
@@AAXS-op1vo Sometimes it's just about appearing "normal". Married, two kids = normal. Divorced, two kids = normal. Note, wife does not appear in either equation. Twenty-five years is a lonnnng time to earn a windfall. Hard to accept but those 25 years were "nothing personal" (for him). Absolutely for you. His loss. You will be ok. Just remember, 50% of married couples die alone. So *do not ever* settle or be afraid of being "alone". You'll be ok. Hugs
One thing I don't miss is his face when he was home with me and the girls. Always looking like he'd rather be somewhere else. Calling his momma several times a day. Now he lives there with her Hope he found his happiness now that he has his freedom and endless supply.... Miserable people. Now I'm free to be happy and no more drama
After years in denial, I learned the narcs in my family scapegoated and ignored me to some degree out of envy. I had the working marriage, no divorces. On my wedding day my mom told folks, that it would never work out. 45 marriage years later I must be doing something right! 🎉
They need us to need them. I am tired. They are saying I’m “tearing the family apart” because my son and I are looking to move out to our own separate apartments. Yet, I am abused. Translation:who will be our “release button” when you’re gone? ……I am depleted.
@@amandaliverpool3374 Oh my gravy! Amanda I also was accused of breaking up our family ~ luckily for him I guess ~ our "family" was unscathed by his womanizing and DUI charge not to mention the temper and lack of any real emotional investment. It was all me. I can live with that now they don't have the insight of a cow staring at a passing train. Cheers Amanda
Family member dont abuse women.Who cares what he says if he leaves you and your boy alone,they dont know what love is ,what home is and respect to his wife.
I was envious of my friend because she would do things that would get her into a mess of crap and at times things happened that got her in a hard situation. Her parents would always get her out of whatever situation. I told her when I fall into a crap pile then I get up out of it then I smell like crap. When you get up out of your crap pile then you smell like a rose. She said I've never thought about that before. I've dealt with my envying because she will never be happy with anyone or anything.
I think it's deeper than narcissists learning to think affirmation is transactional. I think it's rather like if someone says they love fish, but then they pull a fish out of water, kill it and eat it. They don't really love the fish. With narcissists and affirmation, they love it like the person loves the fish - as something devoured. Not something that is a connection. Like, if healthy affirmation forms a bridge between two people, with a narcissist they are eating the bridge and destroying it. Swallowing it inside and removing the connection to the other person in the process.
Hidden only in that there was no healing or consoling them. Everything was tragic. Everything was devastating. But choosing to live in tragic desperation? Not for me.
Yeah they are totally measurable I've been going through this with this person for almost 4 years I have walked away I plan on keep walking away never will come back and bother her again but she will not leave me alone she is totally miserable
Narcs just can't find pleasure or happiness in life not even if it jumped up and bit them on the arse, positivity doesn't register. We've all got some form of trauma quiet possibly. Some worse than other's. Life can be shit, but it could also be alot worse. Just keep going, 💓
Not all narcissists had bad pain or abuse or neglect in their childhood. My husband would blow away the diagnosis process as he is a full blown Covert Narcissist and his childhood was great compared to the molestation, loss of parent and other abuse I entailed. He and his brothers were treated very well. The disorder just seems to run genetically in the whole family tree.
Man Doctor Carter, your killing me with this ,big time flaw, cant wait for your special guest, i tell ya im a big time dog, walk on by, but get bent out of shape and loose your , your killing me Doctor. I got me a narcissist to play with in my rewind, your like, 0 no, im out of here, im just lost, i cant believe i have lost my understanding of, we is all in this disfunction together, 0 yea feed me to the narcissist, im fighting 3 wars, its a thing ,live with it, it can form , a ,it should have been different, carrying a human on your back, with all its best flaws, your killing me Doctor, hey doc you ever play, let me , be against myself, the narcissist, love ya Doctor, thanks for my heart, thanks for my Doctor always
Do narcissists realize the heavy burden they put on people when they try to make them responsible for maintaining their joy and happiness? Or is it that they are so blind to the needs (and reactions) of others that they just keep dumping stuff on you and if you die in the process, oh well? When I think about my narc and the level of childishness to which she's sunk (it's all about me, it's all about me, it's all about me), I could cry. No one should have to live with this kind of suffering from someone who's supposed to be highly intelligent.
This is my mother; she is 86 and also has dementia which = narcissism on steroids. Her "good daughter" visits her at the nursing home, takes her out to lunch and does what my mom tells her to do. PS, I have no siblings; but I am glad for my mom that a "good daughter" finally arrived -- clearly that was never me -- and the "good daughter" can be the one take away her pain these final years of her life. Perhaps when the dementia gets a bit further on and she forgets who I am, she might come to believe I am the good daughter. SURE
Your Mother suffers from dementia now ~ but she was plagued by blind spots before. You are the daughter that showed up ~ showing mercy where none was given to you. You got this Sharon ~ I assure you Florence Nightingale herself would give "mother" a pass! Do the best you can and give yourself credit for showing up. If I was in a jam I would want a daughter just like you. Cheers.
Sharon. I am in the same situation. I hear you very clearly. With a heavy heart, I have learnt to wear two hats, one a daughter and one a carer. I never wear them together. I have learnt to be a carer in her presence and to not let her attempt to emotionally control me affect me. Be strong within yourself. It is hard but doable. Take care dear lady and remember you are strong, you are important and you are beautiful 💕
I have a friend who I think is in the early stages of dementia. She has been coming to stay with me for 40 years with very little reciprocal hospitality. She has always had anger issues and is now getting angry with me for her cognitive decline. It's really horrible. I don't think I can have her stay with me again.
I did, way too much... But now that I truly see it for what it is and have healed from the pain, I can finally say, I truly don't care anymore either... They've destroyed all the empathy I ever had for them in me... I'm sooo over it.....
Knowledge is power, but the more I learn, the more depressed I get. To realize having a normal relationship with my narcissistic mother who is afraid of rejection, is never going to happen. Thanks Doc.
Amazingly, it appears narcissist have no understanding of the concept of “unconditional love.” In my interactions with such people, I have come to realize that they haven’t understood the meaning behind living in love, without conditions. As a result, their children likely suffer silently and tremendously. They create a cloud of confusion that’s illusory and maintained coercively by controlling people that encircle them. It makes them miserable and those surrounding them, lost. I have been told countless times by the narcissist, that I need to “earn” their respect. Wow. And with this mindset, they attempt to rip away dignity and civility when in their company, and the company of others they seek to impress. I am worth much more than these people are willing to give. Honestly, they waste my life when I am in their company. I choose WHO surrounds me and lives within my reach. Not fatalisticly. Not helpnessly. An it truly is a relief to understand this negative pattern of existence and veer clear of it. Once again, thank you Dr. C. for sharing your tools. Your insight in invaluable at every turn. Subtle and affirmating. Absolutely necessary. 💝
I was told the same thing by my ex husband (a covert malignant narcissist), that I had to earn his respect. How that was suppose to happen, I have no idea since he was so condescending, sarcastic, argumentative and cruel most of the time.
@@lindarusch9660 I feel for you 💝These covert one are the nastiest kind. They know, so they hide under rocks. I finally had it in one email chain of abuse, and placed a friend on CC. (Hey, it’s all public domain, you know. The internet.) And that simple act SHUT DOWN the narcissist in his tracks. He (yes, “he”..) NEVER said anything any more. Like a reverse gaslight. Le he gaslighted himself to oblivion! It WORKED! That was how I got the upper hand. (BTW, it could even have been a fake email address.. and it would have still worked!) Good luck ✨
Me: just a quick reading through the comments... An hour later: completely forgotten to watch the video... 😅😂 But on a serious note, i think it's beautiful we can all share our experiences and learn from and support each other here... This channel is truly amazing and I don't know about anyone else, but I find it so therapeutic... The videos and the comments... Thank you..... ❤
I think this is a very good description of what a narcissist is, its origins and why they differ from others who, beginning at an early age, took responsibility for their own personal development. Thanks
Your spot on. I was with my Narcussist 14 years. He would call his parents and talk to his mom and tell her everything that went on and it was always my fault. He was always blaming me.
Total war was the education I received in my family of origin. They’ve never met a man like me. Their loss. I have such hope for the future outside their predatory gazes. God bless freedom.
Still waiting to get back to work (my home care client's new insurance is really dragging with the paperwork). So, listening to this video, I'm not only reminded of incidents with them (particularly the older guy, who always has to be in charge), but also, my BROTHER, who apparently has been like this his ENTIRE LIFE, but, I never knew what was really going on. It's almost shocking that after all this time, it was only a couple weeks ago (thanks to this channel!!!) that I suddenly realized... YEAH, as a matter of fact, he IS a narcisist. So much is starting to "make sense", in a sick, twisted sort of way. It's vital that I stay in touch with him, and remain on as good terms as I possibly can... BUT, thank God that he's 3,000 MILES away, and except when emergencies crop up, I only have to deal with him once a MONTH. As I was listening, I was reminded of a conversation I had back in the mid-1990s, with a (now-former) friend of my brother's. She'd known him for over a decade, and this one day, she suddenly asks me, "WHAT'S WITH YOUR BROTHER?" It was jaw-dropping, as she'd spent much more time with him during that period, yet, she somehow hoped that I might be able to explain HIS often-bizarre behavior. If I'd been listening to this channel back then, maybe I could have.
I called my ex narcissist out on all of the hurtful things he’s done to hurt me. And why I am done. He never hesitated to say what he didn’t like about me, hurtful stuff as silly as saying I don’t look as attractive as I do in pictures, ouch. Blame shifting, I am crazy due to reactive abuse when I finally couldn’t take it anymore and now he says I am the narcissist! A little background, in September I sold all of my furniture, rehomed pets, because he lovebombed me and said he wanted me to move 800 miles to live with him. In less than 12 hours after getting there he changed his mind and left me homeless. He says it’s all my fault from things preasking me to move in, that he said all of a sudden hit him. He said me losing everything is my fault because I disrespect him. FYI I would stay silent for hours as he would go in a rage with him belittling me, criticizing everything about me, and when I finally give him my truth I am mean, and was blocked across the board. I don’t get these people, I said he refused to acknowledge any wrong doings, and he sits back and thinks he is perfect. A few months before breaking up I thought I had cancer for a 3rd time, and had to go in for biopsies etc. the night before he caused an argument and then I didn’t hear from him for 2 weeks, he didn’t even reach out to see what my results were, luckily I was okay but if the cancer came back I would’ve been dealing for the initial 2 weeks alone. When I remind him of that, he said that I shouldn’t be such a f*ck up, my attitude is why he didn’t check up on me. And since our break up all he did was say how I destroyed his life. Amazing. I hope he doesn’t unblock me, because whether I block him or not he finds a way to get in touch with me! Gotta love modern technology! Anyway wanted to share a quarter of my 10 month relationship. Don’t expect any of it to make sense because it never will. And I am left with nothing but a broken heart.
Yes! I get a lot of that from family and (ex) “friends.” Just another way they throw shade. I find it humorous now (seriously so ignorant and unhinged) but it used to be so annoying and unsettling!
When these difficult people age, many of their tactics become apparent, like watching a small child lie or think they are hiding something. Even though I feel empathy they won't even allow me try to help or "be the good guy." Very sad, and maddening.
Narciccists who truly try to look into the inner depths of their soul will react like a person being pushed towards the edge of a cliff. Staring into the abyss.
With this kind of people, I can no longer put my needs aside. Unfortunately I am not always patient. And if I understand that the other person is always impatient, then I can't make any effort to understand. At best, I close the conversation and run away. I still have a long way to go, possibly with patient people. Thank you
This perfectly describes my narcissistic adult daughter. Ever since she was a child, she always had an excuse for her mistakes and would always find someone else to blame. I wish she would get help, but she won't.
The older I get (I’m still young, 23), the more I realize what I grew up in. My mom is a covert narcissist. My father passed in 2021, and the more my stepmom tells me about him (things he said, when they were divorcing, I still have good contact with her, and she is on team healthy), the more I realize how toxic he was too. Both very controlling, dismissive, entitled, and sadly… my older brother is becoming one of them. They always operate(d) from a selfish point of view, I’m repulsed by it. I would say I grew up/am growing up into an anxious adult, but I have psychotherapy now to cope and learn from all of it, plus your videos are great, Dr. Carter. In a way, I’m relieved my father passed. Life with him was caracterized by invalidation, control, entitlement, and lots of silencing me and my feelings. His passing set me free in ways I could not have imagined. Again, thank you, Dr. Carter. Your videos are very good to understand the patterns. Besides that, I really like listening to you. You have a very nice voice and a peaceful presence. We’ve never met, but I like you very much!
A narcissist can acknowledge a certain behavior when it’s pointed out to them, but deny that it’s hypocritical or wrong. When asked what they fear, they have no fear.
It's crazy how often my ex more or less outed herself as a narcissist over the years, but unfortunately I didn't know what NPD was until after our marriage ended. She literally told me "I have no empathy," and would get annoyed with me unusually quickly whenever I was physically sick or having whatever other problems come up in life. And relevant to this video, over the years there were so many "arguments" (more like her ranting at me) about how I'm "not doing enough" to help ease whatever pain or feelings she was having. Or that she can't help but wonder, "What if I ended up with someone else. Maybe they'd have made my life better." There were so many times I wanted to say to her that she needs to take some responsibility for her own feelings and choices in life. I tend to have a high internal locus of control and blame myself for a lot of things, but it's like she was entirely externally focused and would point the finger at every human being in the world-alive or dead-before even considering she was to blame for anything!
That's the crux of their whole disorder. Their entire existence is predicated on avoiding the toxic shame that comes with being "imperfect." They cannot and will not accept any responsibility for their actions because that would mean something is wrong with them. The shame that comes with personal responsibility is unbearable. Trying to convince them that it's ok to make mistakes is like trying to convince most people that 2+2=5.
When I see their bologna! I'm out! They know it too and they play victim and guess who the bad guy is? 😂 Every time I am around these type of unhealthy individuals I feel so bad about myself even though I know that I am not dirt! Thank you Dr. Carter ❤😊
No need to take pity on narcissists and their misery and desperation! They WILL use their sob stories and any shortcoming that were pointed to them to manipulate and control everyone who listens! Everything can be a resource to exploit for the narcissists - including what have happened to themselves. When a narcissist presents themselves as pitiful, suffering and looking remorseful, that is when they are calculating a new move on you the target, and is very dangerous! DO NOT FALL FOR IT!
This here was profound! I’m thinker so I would catch her way minimal but new! I would bend and then when she thinks she got me I will call her out something and she would be livid! It worked every time!
This gentlemen explains really best among all people having podcasts on you tube, problems with narcististic relationships. Especially covert vounerable narcististism . Its only because of him I was able to figure out what really probably happend in my marriage( as I don't have closure and explanation in normal way). Podcasts " Covert narcistism control with slight twist " I watched and analysed 100 times, is so on spot & accurate to describe what was going on
You have really helped me navigate with narcissistic family members. It's truly helped me realize it's NOT ME. I'm weary of being the bad guy and whipping post. I do see the insecurities with them and they projected on me my whole life. . Yes conditional love or acceptance only..never unconditional love. Never accepted or praised. Back handed compliments too. Left me scratching my head. Omg..Yes...My life has been a running competition!!
Boy, I know that feeling being in constant competition when you’re not even trying to have one. It doesn’t matter what you say the narcissist person will always find a way to turn it into a competition you could say the sky is blue, and it becomes a competition because it’s not really blue it’s chartreuse blue or robins egg blue or they saw a more blue sky than you’ve ever seen. It is exhausting!
Why do narcissists go at you with belittling you or smugly saying a fault you have? How does that make them feel better? And how can they ignore any feelings of empathy?
The narcissist is suffering from a very fragile ego. Their lives are built on lies, and they’ll do anything to protect their false identity. Most narcissists are virtually pathological liars. My exhusband would rather lie than breathe.
This is real and it causes a crisis in your life. The narcissist will tear you down and then not care. Dr. Carters expertise has helped me so much to move forward from a narcissist mother.
Your compassion shines through like a light. I wish you had been my father. I love your channel Dr. Carter. Keep doing these informational videos. They have really have helped me.🥰
I was totally faking who I was and I couldn’t maintain being his geisha girl, the more I slacked on my slave duties, the more he raged at me. Now I’m single at 50!
I can relate. My narc does nothing. He won't even carry a cat food can 5 ft to the trash can. I'm blown away at the way he orders me around like I'm his maid.
Dr. C. .... It has now been 1 YR since my narcissist husband died. Was told not to make any great changes for the 1st year. His family as it turns out, apparently is a cult of narcisdist, lead by his 90 yr old mother. She had quite a following of Flying Monkeys, and keeps them stirred up and antagonist towards me. Have now put my home and property up for sale. Living in close proximity to them all has made life difficult to move on. I just wonder who becomes the New Escape Goat after I leave???? Much peace has been restored since making the decision to move. This decision was God made, He is directioning my Steps. Thank you for all the healing I have experienced the last year. And Thank you to Team Healthy for prayers and support. God is Good!! Hugs for you and Fuss from North Carolina!!🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾😄
Time for a new set of circumstances. It's like shedding yourself of shoes that fit too tightly, or getting away from a hornet's nest where they continually swarm.
Thank you Dr Carter for another inspirational video. I am beginning to learn that I am stronger than I thought and hold on to knowing "who I am", not what the narcissist wants me to be. I have my own reflection!
Let's get this one thing straight, all relationships with a narcissist are karmic relationships. It's always hell on earth with them. Just complete chaos dealing with these npd bullies. No doubt at all.
Amen, Amen! This explains why I never felt loved by the family I grew up in, and the family I married into. Kindness was based on how we performed and not unconditional. I never remember a kind and loving talk with these people to resolve anything. I also was not allowed to try to have deeper talks, in fact deeper talks were met with rolling eyes and snarky grunting sounds as though it was weird to express what we see and what is going on. It is the culture in our region which is why I meet more people like this and it is rare to find someone who wants to " have a discussion" about anything. Discussion is discouraged in my environment.
Narcissists are too entitled and lazy to do the work and help themself. This is when you anchor down inside yourself and help yourself by responding in an emotionally healthy way and not do their work for them. Let them carry their own load like we all have to do.
I always used to compliment the narcissist and tell her she was attractive, beautiful etc. I didn't realise that I was actually putting her on a pedestal above myself. When she started to abuse me I ripped that pedestal right out from under her feet. She came crashing down with huge bump. She still messages me to this day. I ignore it.
I learned a Narcissist is ONLY happy when they are stealing your joy and happiness. Making you miserable and cry. Then blaming you. RUN, don’t walk away, RUN.
Yes. It is called sadism. They have extended the dark triad to the dark tetrad to include this group as well.
It’s the willingness to trade relationships and happiness for control. The lie they don’t get, though is that they will have neither.
Good advice ~ they want you to come down to their level. Very envious people.
@@menotyou6254 AMEN 🙏🏻. You deserve better. 🤗
@@menotyou6254 Wow! It is great that you are aware. The house has many people in it and they all deserve a place that that they can make a home. That can only happen in the absence of materialism/competition. It is a harsh reality when you realize, you are the only one who cares about control.
They cant stand it when you are happy. Its blatant.
I went from sympathy for a narc colleague to hoping his pain and failure endures.
They're not hoping that their victims will take away their pain. They just need to project their demons on to someone
Dealing with a narcissist is very complicated. I have a covert narcissist sister. Confronting her is like going into battle.
IF I EVER FLEW A SIGN,
ONLY THREE WORDS:
"NARCISSISM DESTROYS LIVES"
Being miserable is just another way to get supply. It's amazing how they can turn a minor thing into a tragedy. Ugh! They are definitely downers.
Man!!!! She was having minor surgery of the 48-50 year old woman variety! How she was acting I thought she was having quadruple bypass twice
I use to call mine, Chicken Little, because the sky was ALWAYS falling.
Catastrophizing!!!
@@amandaliverpool3374 nice word for defining it! I will remember it♡
@@tmo.48 👍
I've been married too long to this Narcissist and it's at the point where there's just no more communication, it's just him snapping at anything I say...so NO talking..no eye contact, no eating dinner together, and when they see you happy..boy do they want to take that away too.
They want you to suffer too and want you to take responsibility for their horrible behavior.
What they hate in you is missing in them ..- d
That's what I am seeing/understanding at this point. !
True agreeableness & a conscience. Cheers.
That is so sad, how can my child be this way? I did not teach her these things! Those things are deplorable . :(
Definitely 👍
Well that must be why he hates, everything about me, cause I'm the complete opposite of him..... 😅😂
The "suffering" narcissist is a very devious, dangerous creature.
I swear!!!!! Bad game all the way around!
For many years I sympathetically tried to understand my narcissistic father and whatever trauma he had in his life, but it was a total waste of time. Narcissists cannot be cured and they will not change. NO-CONTACT is the only solution. After my father died, we found out that he had lied about his education and his military service. He was a real piece of work.
Dr. Carter, Thank you so much for literally saving my life! I was sinking into the depths of depression and physical illness. Your videos helped me understand what was wrong with my husband and what to do about it. Nearly 4 years ago, I forced him to leave. Even though he had depleted our bank and retirement accounts. He had future-faked me into an early retirement because he knew that would make me dependent on him. It hasn’t been easy financially, but I have not regretted my decision for one minute. I am free, happy, and enjoying my life at age 67. Thank you for your wisdom and kindness. God bless you.
Your story similar to mine. Glad things are better for you now. 🏞
Same story here! Look-up “Betrayal Trauma” as that’s what we suffer from after being betrayed by our Narc husbands.
@@jeanettecook1088 Thank you. ❤
This is so shocking. No wonder you were ill. I too have experienced physical and mental illness through this form of stress. Your own health and sanity is priceless though. You're worth it 🙏
I am so very happy for you Janet. May God bless you and keep you. Remember we are never alone for He is with us always. This has helped me every day. Age 80. I took his name off of all of my accounts years ago and he had a fit but I did not care. It was coming off.
No matter how big, popular, charming, or beautiful a narcissist may be they truly have no sense of letting things go and being at peace. They must harm, conquer, groom, and destroy to feel good. A person not caring about popularity or impressing a group and living in peace is their ultimate enemy and no matter what evil such a person suffers at the hands of any narcissistic loser the narcissist will always lose.
0 my other comment, at least i can feel disfunction, my narcissist traits or not bent out of control, watch out, man you will turn like, me bad ,i finally got to really tell you your a weak minded person, now nothing sets right with me, i played retard even more now, get this bent trait gone now, someone out there is hitting rock bottom, they have red blood. help me stop hating, this out come that became forth, my humanity left, so i turn on to the danger zone, this was not supposed to happen ,this brain wave, please dont let me believe it could even be in my history, all i want is a natural love to feel not, this, you is responsible for my tears, the Bible does say, my brother my sister my neighbor shall know horror, suffering, pain, the actual heart of people, a personality disorder caused horror, not the Lord, the devil put his two cents in my life way to long. and now i walk in hey is it true. I can turn on you
You have described my mother and sister so very well. I allowed their poison to keep me desperate, hysterical and ill for decades and just recently had enough. Now, they shall not have me as their punching bag any more and shall have to concentrate on each other for their “supply”. I have no doubt that they shall completely destroy each other and I don’t feel at all upset or sad - for the first time in my life. 😊
The weird part of it is that while doing that grooming, conquering and destroying of us some of them believe they are helping us after starting to believe their own lies.
Everyone loses ~ the complex trauma they cause with their havoc is so damaging.
Exactly. That's why they target people who don't "fit in", regardless of the nature of that environment. If you're not conforming, you represent everything they cannot obtain for themselves: freedom to be yourself.
Something I have noticed is that they don't hide their elation when someone else is miserable or they've made them feel miserable. There desperation shows on that level totally!
Absolutely. This is what I can no longer witness or tolerate. It’s exhausting.
Good morning Amanda
@@tbunnyshy1 good morning
@@tbunnyshy1 If existing in the same space becomes unbearable it's time for change!
@@SendItForward Good Afternoon 👍
Experienced divorce attorney here. I love Dr. Carter’s videos because they help educate the unwary recognize and possibly avoid marrying a narcissist. Get educated about narcissistic personality disorder. If you get a whiff of narcissistic behaviors from someone you are dating, run! And don’t look back! Stay safe out there.
Good to hear from you again, Jonathan. Thanks for the encouraging words!!
Yes Narcissists are miserable desperate people full of unjustified envy. Narcissists secretly don't want others to be happy.
-shut the door 🚪 on these toxic relationships and keep enjoying your life.
They envy our ability to regulate our own feelings because they've never experienced true joy without having to bring down somebody else to make themselves feel good.
It really is like that. I’m tired. This is chaos.
@@PussnBoot2516 Absolutely. I think regulation is a key factor. I can’t handle their dis regulation anymore. If they were stable they’d be less miserable.
Yes, our joy is like toxic acid to them, very sad!!
That's true. Their envy is like a fear!
I think setting boundaries with narcissists may require some strong emotions because they try to be pushy.
These are truly defective people in that they appear not to be able to learn. Once it becomes apparent, their shortcomings become everyone else's fault.
Expert blame shifters. So true. They are like Teflon nothing sticks.
Bingo!
They come across as demented.
@@beauthentic7493 this made me laugh way too hard... That's exactly it... They play completely dumb and stupid and can't remember anything, except what everybody did to them... What a bunch of idiots..... 😅😂🥴
Narcissists have no empathy or shame in the damage they cause...... 😔
Safe to assume I'm not the 1st person who came down the pike that the narcissist unleashed his monstrous ego on.
Their choice of ingredients ~ their stew.
Yep. They can stew in their own juice 👍
Nonetheless! May cousin Windy D. Windbag and Sibling Kinney " tattle" Loosecannon spent Eternity ALONE; no one can trust the 2 EVIL- Doers.
I AM IN CONTROL OF MY MIND!
I AM IN CONTROL OF MY BODY!
I AM IN CONTROL OF MY SOUL!
Repeat this every day when you wake up and then whenever you need it!
It Helps!
Amen thank you!
I think there is a type of N that was a spoiled “golden child” and they can’t stand not getting that constant validation once out of the home, as an adult. Plus they grew up with a competitive, “winning or losing” mentality. Yes, totally simplistic, and immature, and either manipulative to get their way, and/or vengeful toward the world that is not worshipping them.
All explains my daughter minus the winning or losing mentality. She wasn't raised with that! She was spoiled and demanding. I don't believe they all have this deep pain, unless it's from knowing how rotten of a person they really are. I think they have a dark spirit in them. Not ALL narcs are from bad homes/parents. !!
THAT'S my brother all over !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He "had" to WIN every single game he ever played, every time. After awhile, that's just not any fun, who wants to "play" with someone like that?
Ironically (but maybe not, Dad was NUTS, too), the only time my Dad ever got pissed off at my brother... was for something my brother was NOT in any way responsible for-- when some woman's car left in neutral rolled down an incline RIGHT into Dad's car while my brother was driving it. It was insane-- year after year, Dad praised everything my brother did, knocked everything I did, yet that time, he went into an insane rage against my brother, and it WASN'T my brother's fault (I know, I was in the car when it happened). I often wonder how I wound up being the only person in my immediate family who WASN'T crazy.
Well put.
This is my daughter in law!!! Growing up, her dad put her on the biggest pedestal he could find. On her wedding day during his speech, he looked at my son and said, “She was mine first” 😮 she’s not into competition, but she wants all attention on her. I don’t kiss up to anyone, not even my own kids, and she hates me for it
Yup
Do not engage or respond to a narcissist. They will try to contact you and get you to respond and they will try every trick in the book to get you back in. Block them out of every aspect of your life.
Great advice!
How do you extricate yourself in a healthy way from one ( flying monkey as well) that doesn’t get the hint. Or get them to stop without being the bad actor? No conversation, blocking, no contact works. Now they’re coming to my house & sending notes after the master puppet sent them to get info on my family. 🤦♀️. I thought I’d gotten rid of them. Felt so good when I cut the cord.
The biggest issue is you’re usually enmeshed into the relational dynamics before you realize they are indeed narcissistic
Agreed
They sure don’t know how to take responsibility for their lies. They just block you.
Better that We block Them. The ONLY way to deal with a narcissist is to put them in the past and don't go back. **Only 1 reason a narcissist might block You > They want you to beg for them to pay attention to you :) They think You are like them and incapable of being ignored. :) Don't fall for that manipulation.
That's one thing to be grateful for.
@@LindaLouise625 never
I just got blocked!!
@@LindaLouise625 Spot on!!
Before I realized the abusive ex was an NPD, I kept thinking "why is he always so miserable but arrogant at the same time, why is he so blind to his hypocrisy, why is he a failure but expects everyone to believe and obey him?" Now I know.
That’s exactly how my ex girlfriend was
Same
My good you know my family!
Same…..
Those questions sound/feel extremely familiar!
Comes down to, "I'm not happy. I feel terrible about myself, but I am not able to process that or repair myself or the nasty things I've done, and my misery must be YOUR fault." Misery loves company, and they resent the capability and happiness of more authentic, confident people. So they try to swamp you and take you down.
That is exactly it!............Well put.
This just happened to me in a (luckily) very short term relationship of two weeks before I caught on, she couldn't stand that I stood up for myself and actually expressed healthy boundaries and joy
They may try, but we are stronger than that... Believe in who you are, not in who the idiot says you are... The audacity..... 🤗❤
I have noticed a connection between some depressions and other cognitive difficulties. Like not understanding that triangulation, alienation, invalidation, hypocrisy, gaslighting, glibness, entitlement and projection are anti-social behaviors. This can manifest as a person who does not understand boundaries and competes with people who are not competing with them.
“Competes with people who are not competing with them” …gold…
"competes with people who are not competing with them"
This instantly brought to my mind the guy at work who was hired by his friend (the new chief engineer, an incompetent guy hired by the owners STRICTLY on the basis of his expensive DEGREE). I heard 75% of the people in the factory hated the guy, but he picked ME as his enemy, because he realized one day that I KNEW he was an idiot. He was so insecure about his job, he was terrified I might try to have him fired-- so he spent 3 YEARS trying to have ME fired.
I'm not a violent person, but every so often, I fantasize, that guy better hope & pray he never steps in front of my car... (Fortunately for me, I haven't seen the jerk since 1988.) He always reminded me of the character "Max Zorin" played by Christopher Walken in A VIEW TO A KILL. (His boss, the incompetent chief engineer, nearly destroyed the company-- I don't how know they're still hanging on in businees to this day.)
Like I always told “her” - “You win, we lose”.
@@christanatwork 🤔Yep if they set the pace it's a bumpy ride to toxic land 🏴☠
Was you dating my ex too?lol! I swear this her!
Just When You think you have heard enough to understand this individuals. You end up learning more about them each time. This thing is really deep.
The world divides up into two types of people: those who have terrible experiences and say, "I vow never to make anyone else feel the way I felt." And those who say, 'I was made to feel terrible so now it's my turn to make someone else feel terrible.' I call it the Fred Flintstone school of ethics. (Actually that's a little unfair to Fred Flintstone...)
So on point. It’s the rift in how Batman and Joker handled their traumas.
They are very controlling, always correcting the words you speak, always have an agenda, twisting your thoughts on things and definitely have triggers ! I stand my ground, I walk away, I put boundaries in place , grey rock them & I display my happiness in full force around them ! They really hate when they see that what their doing has no effect on you. They usually go very,very quiet at that point.
All the narc talk really relaxes Gus
Yeahh right??! ❤😂
I am a compassionate man but after what I've been through I'm not concerned with their feelings. Did I love them and does it hurt ? Yes but I've closed that door and thrown away the key. To be on team healthy I must do what is best for ME
in the same place, good luck
@@amandaroberts5111 me three ~ 🙂peace & freedom
YES!!! I love that - “team healthy”! ❤
Congratulations Billyray on getting free from that inexplainable toxic relationship. ❤❤
Yes, they carry an amount of pain as many of us may as well. However. We do not intentionally plan and plot to Steal, Kill and Destroy others.
Very true
I know he can't and won't heal and awaken in this life but I light a candle of love and healing and protection for the young child, baby, teenager and young man in him that had a diabolical Narc Mother and absorbed all her toxic desperation and projection, damaged ego and inner rage..and one for her too, against whomever treated her that way and right down that whole family line, right back to the original wounding in time.
Light of healing and protection and guardianship of their true sense of self and worthiness.. against repressed and projected, denied and defended darkness.
He was absolutely rotten to me, no doubt and I light a candle for my heart and for anyone reading this who is in pain.
Soothing, guidance, protection and gentle profound healing ♥️
I am leaving his sensitive dark soaked heart in the hands of the highest good..not my job to heal him, nor can I ..but please life help us all to accept the things we cannot change and to change the things we can.
Much love
That was absolutely beautiful ♡. Thank you ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
After you light that candle, be sure to light one for the warriors who stood up to these monsters and broke their insidious family lines.
Lovely💕💕💕
I told my bastard husband the same thing! I told him, "it's not my job to fix you; that's your job!" I won't allow him to do that to me!
He's sick! I always tell him there's something wrong with you! He's been going to therapy for 36 years that I know of! I don't think anything will ever help him!
I just have to take care of myself now! I've had so many physical injuries! I told him how come I always get hurt (God forbid); never you!
I'm working very hard on getting out of this sick marriage!
I cannot stand the sight of him and try my best to stay away from him! I totally don't even know him any more!
We need to pray for each other~that we get them out or we get out!
Praying for you and every one of you who is living this nightmare!
I wish you PEACE.🕊💙
My ex girlfriend just told me after I told her “ you can’t keep transferring all that negative energy onto me” she said “ well if you not gonna be my support system then this is not gonna work “ I said “ ok” we haven’t spoke in a week
Stay strong. No matter what, your ex will never change. ❤️
Get out early. These creatures get worse as time goes on. They will destroy you.
@@janetstephens9563 thank you it’s been on and off for 5 years for this reason and similar!
@@racebannon96 I can see that that’s why I broke out!
Don’t ever speak again
Scott peck the author of "The Road Less Travelled" said that "Emotional sickness is avoiding reality at all costs, while Emotional health is facing reality at all costs". Beautifuly simple idea but difficult to live up to. It really is the road less travelled and seems like getting lonelier all the time.
He also authored "People of the Lie".
@@rkbllc Yeah truth might be the road less travelled? I heard someone say It's actually the road Never travelled which feels sobering.
thanks! i am going to look into that book
Great book especially for parents At least you end up with people who are worth having on your life Quality over quantity
When someone is happy ,I feel happy for them too when someone is sad ,if I can not make their day better ,I put myself in their shoes and let them be when someone is not well I wish them to recover ,when someone achieve something I celebrate with them .I dont look down on anyone .even a narcissist when they are not there I see their beauty outside their behaviour .
Thank you, Dr. Carter. When I was pregnant with our first born, my ex offered me the opportunity to be a full-time at home mom because that's how he grew up and he thought it would be good for our kids. He didn't insist, it was up to me. Being a latch-key kid who was shipped off every summer, of course I overwhelmingly accepted the opportunity to be home. It used to grate on me every time he told me, "Good job." Rather than show me the respect and appreciation I deserved. I get it now. Not only was I being "lorded over", I was "put in charge" of tending to his latent needs (being an attentive mother to "his" kids meant I was an attentive mother to him, too.) Except that instead of being on the same level and allowing me to help him work through the damage, I was the proxy through which he took out his pain. The set-up and passive aggressiveness was non-stop. I see the cycle now. I also see that it was never my "job" to fix what was broken in him.
Same as my marriage was.
Ugh. . . A you have opened up a whole new thing to consider . I stayed home with my kids and my ex was the only child of a single mother and absent dad. He secretly hated my family and I for what we had that he felt robbed of.
I am now wondering if what happened to you was the deal with me too. He did the old “wait until the kids are of age and then leave” deal. 25 years of marriage and he just drops. It was a hot mess in the end and he did all the classic narc moves: tried to paint me as crazy, launched smear campaigns and tries to turn all of my closest friends against me, played the “poor me, I am the victim here” card. It was astounding what came forth when the mask fell off. Very difficult the radically accept that the entire quarter of a century was one big game to him. I truly think he was waiting for my parents to die so he could cash in on inheritances as he planned his escape. My parents are still very much alive and kicking and he got ZERO in the divorce.
My one consolation is our two beautiful kids who I pray every day don’t inherit his narcism!
@@AAXS-op1vo Sometimes it's just about appearing "normal". Married, two kids = normal. Divorced, two kids = normal. Note, wife does not appear in either equation. Twenty-five years is a lonnnng time to earn a windfall. Hard to accept but those 25 years were "nothing personal" (for him). Absolutely for you. His loss. You will be ok. Just remember, 50% of married couples die alone. So *do not ever* settle or be afraid of being "alone". You'll be ok. Hugs
One thing I don't miss is his face when he was home with me and the girls. Always looking like he'd rather be somewhere else. Calling his momma several times a day. Now he lives there with her Hope he found his happiness now that he has his freedom and endless supply.... Miserable people. Now I'm free to be happy and no more drama
After years in denial, I learned the narcs in my family scapegoated and ignored me to some degree out of envy. I had the working marriage, no divorces. On my wedding day my mom told folks, that it would never work out. 45 marriage years later I must be doing something right! 🎉
They are jealous
They need us to need them. I am tired. They are saying I’m “tearing the family apart” because my son and I are looking to move out to our own separate apartments. Yet, I am abused. Translation:who will be our “release button” when you’re gone? ……I am depleted.
tbunny you're correct, if my NH doesn't get a response he wants he'll keep asking me "are u alright".
My ex hubby said to me, 'Don't do this to us' 🙃 My father out law never spoke to me again. I 'Broke up the happy home' 🤪
@@amandaliverpool3374 good for you.
@@amandaliverpool3374 Oh my gravy! Amanda I also was accused of breaking up our family ~ luckily for him I guess ~ our "family" was unscathed by his womanizing and DUI charge not to mention the temper and lack of any real emotional investment. It was all me. I can live with that now they don't have the insight of a cow staring at a passing train.
Cheers Amanda
Family member dont abuse women.Who cares what he says if he leaves you and your boy alone,they dont know what love is ,what home is and respect to his wife.
It’s such a trap for a caring heart reading the narcissist’s pain.
Yes🥴
That was my downfall..... 😢
I was envious of my friend because she would do things that would get her into a mess of crap and at times things happened that got her in a hard situation. Her parents would always get her out of whatever situation. I told her when I fall into a crap pile then I get up out of it then I smell like crap. When you get up out of your crap pile then you smell like a rose. She said I've never thought about that before. I've dealt with my envying because she will never be happy with anyone or anything.
Her parents are actually doing her a great disservice. She will never take responsibility for herself.
I think it's deeper than narcissists learning to think affirmation is transactional. I think it's rather like if someone says they love fish, but then they pull a fish out of water, kill it and eat it. They don't really love the fish. With narcissists and affirmation, they love it like the person loves the fish - as something devoured. Not something that is a connection. Like, if healthy affirmation forms a bridge between two people, with a narcissist they are eating the bridge and destroying it. Swallowing it inside and removing the connection to the other person in the process.
Hidden only in that there was no healing or consoling them. Everything was tragic. Everything was devastating. But choosing to live in tragic desperation? Not for me.
Even when things seem on an even keel and you dare to take a breath, they will look for something to upset the apple cart!
@@amandaliverpool3374 Look, or create.
@@aaronkwolfe Both! Anything to create drama and make them look the victim!
@@Chris-dw7gq I second that 👏
This was the case for me!! She is operating at very low frequency but I burnt out and she couldn’t get me!
Yeah they are totally measurable I've been going through this with this person for almost 4 years I have walked away I plan on keep walking away never will come back and bother her again but she will not leave me alone she is totally miserable
I like too call them out on what they are.they will leave right away.its so funny
Narcs just can't find pleasure or happiness in life not even if it jumped up and bit them on the arse, positivity doesn't register. We've all got some form of trauma quiet possibly. Some worse than other's. Life can be shit, but it could also be alot worse. Just keep going, 💓
Not all narcissists had bad pain or abuse or neglect in their childhood. My husband would blow away the diagnosis process as he is a full blown Covert Narcissist and his childhood was great compared to the molestation, loss of parent and other abuse I entailed. He and his brothers were treated very well. The disorder just seems to run genetically in the whole family tree.
Desperate- YES
Misery- YES
Hidden- NOT TO ME- ANYMORE
It sure has been quiet around here
2023 and ME! ♥️
Man Doctor Carter, your killing me with this ,big time flaw, cant wait for your special guest, i tell ya im a big time dog, walk on by, but get bent out of shape and loose your , your killing me Doctor. I got me a narcissist to play with in my rewind, your like, 0 no, im out of here, im just lost, i cant believe i have lost my understanding of, we is all in this disfunction together, 0 yea feed me to the narcissist, im fighting 3 wars, its a thing ,live with it, it can form , a ,it should have been different, carrying a human on your back, with all its best flaws, your killing me Doctor, hey doc you ever play, let me , be against myself, the narcissist, love ya Doctor, thanks for my heart, thanks for my Doctor always
Enjoy the peace in your self made sanctuary ~ it was hard won and you deserve it. 🤗
🎉❤yes
Do narcissists realize the heavy burden they put on people when they try to make them responsible for maintaining their joy and happiness? Or is it that they are so blind to the needs (and reactions) of others that they just keep dumping stuff on you and if you die in the process, oh well? When I think about my narc and the level of childishness to which she's sunk (it's all about me, it's all about me, it's all about me), I could cry. No one should have to live with this kind of suffering from someone who's supposed to be highly intelligent.
Yes they're fully aware and don't care for you, it's all about sucking up to them! Demonic infantile shells!
Kirtana: "The only measure of our words and our deeds, is the Love we leave behind when we are gone..."
Narcissism is *incurable*
This is my mother; she is 86 and also has dementia which = narcissism on steroids. Her "good daughter" visits her at the nursing home, takes her out to lunch and does what my mom tells her to do. PS, I have no siblings; but I am glad for my mom that a "good daughter" finally arrived -- clearly that was never me -- and the "good daughter" can be the one take away her pain these final years of her life. Perhaps when the dementia gets a bit further on and she forgets who I am, she might come to believe I am the good daughter. SURE
Yes, she needs you now. That is how they are.
She has been this way all 65 years of my life. The needing more and more and more, never ends.
Your Mother suffers from dementia now ~ but she was plagued by blind spots before.
You are the daughter that showed up ~ showing mercy where none was given to you.
You got this Sharon ~ I assure you Florence Nightingale herself would give "mother" a pass!
Do the best you can and give yourself credit for showing up.
If I was in a jam I would want a daughter just like you. Cheers.
Sharon. I am in the same situation. I hear you very clearly. With a heavy heart, I have learnt to wear two hats, one a daughter and one a carer. I never wear them together. I have learnt to be a carer in her presence and to not let her attempt to emotionally control me affect me. Be strong within yourself. It is hard but doable. Take care dear lady and remember you are strong, you are important and you are beautiful 💕
I have a friend who I think is in the early stages of dementia. She has been coming to stay with me for 40 years with very little reciprocal hospitality. She has always had anger issues and is now getting angry with me for her cognitive decline. It's really horrible. I don't think I can have her stay with me again.
Worst job ever. Being made responsible for somebody else’s pain and they’re not helping.
There isn't a person I listen to more Prestigious than you Dr. Carter. talking about Narcissism. 🙏 Blessings to you and your family.
Such encouraging words! Thank you.
I don't care about their "pain". I care about my future.
I did, way too much... But now that I truly see it for what it is and have healed from the pain, I can finally say, I truly don't care anymore either... They've destroyed all the empathy I ever had for them in me... I'm sooo over it.....
Knowledge is power, but the more I learn, the more depressed I get. To realize having a normal relationship with my narcissistic mother who is afraid of rejection, is never going to happen.
Thanks Doc.
I feel you on that.
It’s one of the hardest things we can ever do. Find a good therapist to help you work through this. ❤
You're not alone!
In all honesty, I really hope/glad they are miserable
Amazingly, it appears narcissist have no understanding of the concept of “unconditional love.” In my interactions with such people, I have come to realize that they haven’t understood the meaning behind living in love, without conditions. As a result, their children likely suffer silently and tremendously. They create a cloud of confusion that’s illusory and maintained coercively by controlling people that encircle them. It makes them miserable and those surrounding them, lost. I have been told countless times by the narcissist, that I need to “earn” their respect. Wow. And with this mindset, they attempt to rip away dignity and civility when in their company, and the company of others they seek to impress. I am worth much more than these people are willing to give. Honestly, they waste my life when I am in their company. I choose WHO surrounds me and lives within my reach. Not fatalisticly. Not helpnessly. An it truly is a relief to understand this negative pattern of existence and veer clear of it. Once again, thank you Dr. C. for sharing your tools. Your insight in invaluable at every turn. Subtle and affirmating. Absolutely necessary. 💝
I was told the same thing by my ex husband (a covert malignant narcissist), that I had to earn his respect. How that was suppose to happen, I have no idea since he was so condescending, sarcastic, argumentative and cruel most of the time.
@@lindarusch9660 I feel for you 💝These covert one are the nastiest kind. They know, so they hide under rocks. I finally had it in one email chain of abuse, and placed a friend on CC. (Hey, it’s all public domain, you know. The internet.) And that simple act SHUT DOWN the narcissist in his tracks. He (yes, “he”..) NEVER said anything any more. Like a reverse gaslight. Le he gaslighted himself to oblivion! It WORKED! That was how I got the upper hand. (BTW, it could even have been a fake email address.. and it would have still worked!) Good luck ✨
Gus is a lucky boy. Was he a rescue? I love to see that.
Thank you for this talk. I'm listening twice.
Yep, Gus is a rescue. He's almost 9 and we got him when he was 10 months. He's been very loyal to both me and my wife.
To grow is my destiny ❤
Me: just a quick reading through the comments... An hour later: completely forgotten to watch the video... 😅😂 But on a serious note, i think it's beautiful we can all share our experiences and learn from and support each other here... This channel is truly amazing and I don't know about anyone else, but I find it so therapeutic... The videos and the comments... Thank you..... ❤
I think this is a very good description of what a narcissist is, its origins and why they differ from others who, beginning at an early age, took responsibility for their own personal development. Thanks
Your spot on. I was with my Narcussist 14 years. He would call his parents and talk to his mom and tell her everything that went on and it was always my fault. He was always blaming me.
So were they. That’s why he’s the way he is.
Total war was the education I received in my family of origin. They’ve never met a man like me. Their loss. I have such hope for the future outside their predatory gazes. God bless freedom.
Still waiting to get back to work (my home care client's new insurance is really dragging with the paperwork). So, listening to this video, I'm not only reminded of incidents with them (particularly the older guy, who always has to be in charge), but also, my BROTHER, who apparently has been like this his ENTIRE LIFE, but, I never knew what was really going on. It's almost shocking that after all this time, it was only a couple weeks ago (thanks to this channel!!!) that I suddenly realized... YEAH, as a matter of fact, he IS a narcisist. So much is starting to "make sense", in a sick, twisted sort of way.
It's vital that I stay in touch with him, and remain on as good terms as I possibly can... BUT, thank God that he's 3,000 MILES away, and except when emergencies crop up, I only have to deal with him once a MONTH.
As I was listening, I was reminded of a conversation I had back in the mid-1990s, with a (now-former) friend of my brother's. She'd known him for over a decade, and this one day, she suddenly asks me, "WHAT'S WITH YOUR BROTHER?" It was jaw-dropping, as she'd spent much more time with him during that period, yet, she somehow hoped that I might be able to explain HIS often-bizarre behavior. If I'd been listening to this channel back then, maybe I could have.
I called my ex narcissist out on all of the hurtful things he’s done to hurt me. And why I am done. He never hesitated to say what he didn’t like about me, hurtful stuff as silly as saying I don’t look as attractive as I do in pictures, ouch. Blame shifting, I am crazy due to reactive abuse when I finally couldn’t take it anymore and now he says I am the narcissist! A little background, in September I sold all of my furniture, rehomed pets, because he lovebombed me and said he wanted me to move 800 miles to live with him. In less than 12 hours after getting there he changed his mind and left me homeless. He says it’s all my fault from things preasking me to move in, that he said all of a sudden hit him. He said me losing everything is my fault because I disrespect him. FYI I would stay silent for hours as he would go in a rage with him belittling me, criticizing everything about me, and when I finally give him my truth I am mean, and was blocked across the board. I don’t get these people, I said he refused to acknowledge any wrong doings, and he sits back and thinks he is perfect. A few months before breaking up I thought I had cancer for a 3rd time, and had to go in for biopsies etc. the night before he caused an argument and then I didn’t hear from him for 2 weeks, he didn’t even reach out to see what my results were, luckily I was okay but if the cancer came back I would’ve been dealing for the initial 2 weeks alone. When I remind him of that, he said that I shouldn’t be such a f*ck up, my attitude is why he didn’t check up on me. And since our break up all he did was say how I destroyed his life. Amazing. I hope he doesn’t unblock me, because whether I block him or not he finds a way to get in touch with me! Gotta love modern technology! Anyway wanted to share a quarter of my 10 month relationship. Don’t expect any of it to make sense because it never will. And I am left with nothing but a broken heart.
They try to diminish your work as menial. Quote not a real job.
Consider the source!
Yes! I get a lot of that from family and (ex) “friends.” Just another way they throw shade. I find it humorous now (seriously so ignorant and unhinged) but it used to be so annoying and unsettling!
No matter how talented you are
When these difficult people age, many of their tactics become apparent, like watching a small child lie or think they are hiding something. Even though I feel empathy they won't even allow me try to help or "be the good guy." Very sad, and maddening.
Narciccists who truly try to look into the inner depths of their soul will react like a person being pushed towards the edge of a cliff. Staring into the abyss.
With this kind of people, I can no longer put my needs aside. Unfortunately I am not always patient. And if I understand that the other person is always impatient, then I can't make any effort to understand. At best, I close the conversation and run away.
I still have a long way to go, possibly with patient people. Thank you
This perfectly describes my narcissistic adult daughter. Ever since she was a child, she always had an excuse for her mistakes and would always find someone else to blame. I wish she would get help, but she won't.
The older I get (I’m still young, 23), the more I realize what I grew up in. My mom is a covert narcissist. My father passed in 2021, and the more my stepmom tells me about him (things he said, when they were divorcing, I still have good contact with her, and she is on team healthy), the more I realize how toxic he was too. Both very controlling, dismissive, entitled, and sadly… my older brother is becoming one of them. They always operate(d) from a selfish point of view, I’m repulsed by it. I would say I grew up/am growing up into an anxious adult, but I have psychotherapy now to cope and learn from all of it, plus your videos are great, Dr. Carter.
In a way, I’m relieved my father passed. Life with him was caracterized by invalidation, control, entitlement, and lots of silencing me and my feelings. His passing set me free in ways I could not have imagined.
Again, thank you, Dr. Carter. Your videos are very good to understand the patterns. Besides that, I really like listening to you. You have a very nice voice and a peaceful presence. We’ve never met, but I like you very much!
You're so young and getting help! You're going to be great at living your life on team healthy. So proud of you!
Once again, spot on! Thank you, Dr. Carter! This helps a lot in dealing with the narcissists in my life.
So pleased, Joy!
That's what I wanted to say in my comment , but I said excellent
A narcissist can acknowledge a certain behavior when it’s pointed out to them, but deny that it’s hypocritical or wrong. When asked what they fear, they have no fear.
It's crazy how often my ex more or less outed herself as a narcissist over the years, but unfortunately I didn't know what NPD was until after our marriage ended.
She literally told me "I have no empathy," and would get annoyed with me unusually quickly whenever I was physically sick or having whatever other problems come up in life.
And relevant to this video, over the years there were so many "arguments" (more like her ranting at me) about how I'm "not doing enough" to help ease whatever pain or feelings she was having. Or that she can't help but wonder, "What if I ended up with someone else. Maybe they'd have made my life better." There were so many times I wanted to say to her that she needs to take some responsibility for her own feelings and choices in life. I tend to have a high internal locus of control and blame myself for a lot of things, but it's like she was entirely externally focused and would point the finger at every human being in the world-alive or dead-before even considering she was to blame for anything!
That's the crux of their whole disorder. Their entire existence is predicated on avoiding the toxic shame that comes with being "imperfect." They cannot and will not accept any responsibility for their actions because that would mean something is wrong with them. The shame that comes with personal responsibility is unbearable. Trying to convince them that it's ok to make mistakes is like trying to convince most people that 2+2=5.
When I see their bologna! I'm out! They know it too and they play victim and guess who the bad guy is? 😂 Every time I am around these type of unhealthy individuals I feel so bad about myself even though I know that I am not dirt! Thank you Dr. Carter ❤😊
No need to take pity on narcissists and their misery and desperation! They WILL use their sob stories and any shortcoming that were pointed to them to manipulate and control everyone who listens! Everything can be a resource to exploit for the narcissists - including what have happened to themselves. When a narcissist presents themselves as pitiful, suffering and looking remorseful, that is when they are calculating a new move on you the target, and is very dangerous! DO NOT FALL FOR IT!
Never ending story 🎉
This here was profound! I’m thinker so I would catch her way minimal but new! I would bend and then when she thinks she got me I will call her out something and she would be livid! It worked every time!
This gentlemen explains really best among all people having podcasts on you tube, problems with narcististic relationships. Especially covert vounerable narcististism . Its only because of him I was able to figure out what really probably happend in my marriage( as I don't have closure and explanation in normal way). Podcasts " Covert narcistism control with slight twist " I watched and analysed 100 times, is so on spot & accurate to describe what was going on
He is the best
AGREE!!
You have really helped me navigate with narcissistic family members. It's truly helped me realize it's NOT ME. I'm weary of being the bad guy and whipping post. I do see the insecurities with them and they projected on me my whole life. . Yes conditional love or acceptance only..never unconditional love. Never accepted or praised. Back handed compliments too. Left me scratching my head. Omg..Yes...My life has been a running competition!!
Boy, I know that feeling being in constant competition when you’re not even trying to have one. It doesn’t matter what you say the narcissist person will always find a way to turn it into a competition you could say the sky is blue, and it becomes a competition because it’s not really blue it’s chartreuse blue or robins egg blue or they saw a more blue sky than you’ve ever seen. It is exhausting!
Why do narcissists go at you with belittling you or smugly saying a fault you have? How does that make them feel better? And how can they ignore any feelings of empathy?
Sweet Gus! ❤
I understand what you're explaining... but please also include why they are chronic and preposterous liars.
The narcissist is suffering from a very fragile ego. Their lives are built on lies, and they’ll do anything to protect their false identity. Most narcissists are virtually pathological liars. My exhusband would rather lie than breathe.
It's amazing, people, such as this doctor, puts himself out there to help replenish one's soul.
This is real and it causes a crisis in your life. The narcissist will tear you down and then not care. Dr. Carters expertise has helped me so much to move forward from a narcissist mother.
Your compassion shines through like a light. I wish you had been my father. I love your channel Dr. Carter. Keep doing these informational videos. They have really have helped me.🥰
I was totally faking who I was and I couldn’t maintain being his geisha girl, the more I slacked on my slave duties, the more he raged at me. Now I’m single at 50!
I became single at 63. Good for us! 🙌🏼🙌🏼
I can relate. My narc does nothing. He won't even carry a cat food can 5 ft to the trash can. I'm blown away at the way he orders me around like I'm his maid.
Dr. C. .... It has now been 1 YR since my narcissist husband died. Was told not to make any great changes for the 1st year.
His family as it turns out, apparently is a cult of narcisdist, lead by his 90 yr old mother. She had quite a following of Flying Monkeys, and keeps them stirred up and antagonist towards me. Have now put my home and property up for sale. Living in close proximity to them all has made life difficult to move on. I just wonder who becomes the New Escape Goat after I leave????
Much peace has been restored since making the decision to move. This decision was God made, He is directioning my Steps. Thank you for all the healing I have experienced the last year. And Thank you to Team Healthy
for prayers and support. God is Good!!
Hugs for you and Fuss from North Carolina!!🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾😄
Time for a new set of circumstances. It's like shedding yourself of shoes that fit too tightly, or getting away from a hornet's nest where they continually swarm.
Our pain is not as sufficient as the narcissists thats why there pain is number 1 or important!!😮😮😅
Thank you Dr Carter for another inspirational video. I am beginning to learn that I am stronger than I thought and hold on to knowing "who I am", not what the narcissist wants me to be. I have my own reflection!
Let's get this one thing straight, all relationships with a narcissist are karmic relationships. It's always hell on earth with them. Just complete chaos dealing with these npd bullies. No doubt at all.
When you say karmic relationship. I think that means that Karma will always come and bite them on the bum in the end!
@@amandaliverpool3374 😁one can only hope! Lol
@@marieldavison5121 It's true! Every dog has its day...woof 😁
Amen, Amen!
This explains why I never felt loved by the family I grew up in, and the family I married into. Kindness was based on how we performed and not unconditional. I never remember a kind and loving talk with these people to resolve anything. I also was not allowed to try to have deeper talks, in fact deeper talks were met with rolling eyes and snarky grunting sounds as though it was weird to express what we see and what is going on. It is the culture in our region which is why I meet more people like this and it is rare to find someone who wants to " have a discussion" about anything. Discussion is discouraged in my environment.
Thank you Dr. ♥️🙏🔥
Wish you and all here a blessed and beautiful weekend!! 💪🙂👍
Thank you!
Narcissists are too entitled and lazy to do the work and help themself. This is when you anchor down inside yourself and help yourself by responding in an emotionally healthy way and not do their work for them. Let them carry their own load like we all have to do.
"Pre determining how I see myself". How very wise, thank you Dr C
I always used to compliment the narcissist and tell her she was attractive, beautiful etc. I didn't realise that I was actually putting her on a pedestal above myself. When she started to abuse me I ripped that pedestal right out from under her feet. She came crashing down with huge bump. She still messages me to this day. I ignore it.
Sounds like my late stepfather. He acted like that I caused his problems and rejection.