The frustrating thing is trying to explain to friends and family what's going on; they fall for the covert's dishonest narrative and wild-horses can't get them to discern the truth!
One way to explain it is to say that they are only like this to people they are trying to control, msinly intimate partners. My bf doesn't need to control my mum so he's charming to her, as he is to work colleagues. What they do is try to break you down to rebuild you in their mould so why would they bother to do that to someone they don't want to control...they wouldn't!
@@kimsylvia5341 my mom is the threatening type! She'll cut you out of her life or will when you push back on the control and hypocrisy. She tried and still does to turn the children/people on my father even after his death to this day and she divorced him 36 years ago and claims she had a fabulous life with her other husband 🤬
12 Passive Agressive Tactics 1) non-cooperation/procrastination 2) "forget" to help after offering to help 3) "forget" having talked about issue 4) manipulate through loaded questions 5) play the victim role 6) smear campaign (triangulation) 7) back-handed compliments 8) excluding you from events/gatherings 9) ignore you and act innocent 10) critical with moral high ground act 11) silent treatment 12) acting nice while having contempt
Yes !!!!! Although that has always been my goal, I did Internalize traits& behaviors during life and ended up hurting my 2 precious daughters feelings and was not the Mother , I deeply wanted to be for them.
I was not mature enough & did not know back then what my parents were. My girls are estranged, & have hurts, caused by me, while raising them, not meaning to behave anything like my parents.
@@Denise-y2cbless you❤️. I hope that things sort themselves out eventually. I also had a lot of traits that were picked up from my role model and it took me such a long time to become emotionally mature. My mum is 84 and has learned nothing. I know it must be so difficult to explain to your daughters what happened because it’s all so complicated and people don’t understand x
I had a “friend” who did rolled her eyes and waved her hand when I talked. I didn’t realize that she just dismissed me in the eyes of other people. Showed her disdain openly. This fiend is a lonely person with a trail of past friends behind her. Backbiting, power hungry, lied or deceived all the time, pretended to confide, all of the above. Glad I’m rid of them.
"They act like the relationship with you doesn't exist." Pretty much sums up how one feels in a relationship with a narcissist. All of these are so spot on.
I first recognized my wife's communication as passive aggressive. It drove me Crazy, angry, guilty, insulted, confused. I finally realized she was a Narcist. I have finally decided to disconnect and not react . The Grey Rock
One of the worst types of narcissists is the covert one. This person may look very charming, friendly, sophisticated, helpful and so on, but in fact these people are the most deceiving, hateful, emotionally flat, insensitive and the list goes on and on. If we cannot get rid of them immediately, we should at least ignore them and not play their games. Then whenever we can we should get away from them for good. These are evil creatures!
Yes, I do agree. The covers, or 'vulnerable' narcisistas are far more dangerous than the obvious ones, (over narcissist). As you all know, the over narcissist are quite obvious... They don't even care to hide. 👆💪😊💕
They are highly selfish and when you bring it to their attention they will say well you didn't say anything so I thought you were ok. What good hearted person can believe what they did or said would not hurt someone? Also don't tell them anything about your life. Just don't talk to them at all.
A friend that frustrates me to no end....do I need her in my life? When she pulled a classic gas light effect on me, instead of getting mad or hurt, I remembered how good it feels to love myself warts and all. I told her that I have my share of flaws and faults and I work on them to be the best version of me I can be. You have a negative effect on this process and I believe we need to part friends, I wish you well. As I walk away she became belligerent and vocal but I left without acknowledging her. you cannot have a positive life surrounded by negative people. You don't need to point out their flaws they already don't want to see them.
It took me so long to realize why I was constantly exhausted until I went no contact with my dad. When you're experiencing this from family, you're trained from birth to justify these damaging behaviors, and you don't realize that your health is being destroyed.
My mom manipulated me for years and still is alive…… a constant struggle to want to love her and know she’s just toxic and incapable of real love. Wishing you emotional health and healing.
Same gone through this all my life and now I am sick from it....plus they're starting with dementia I can see they're forgetting more and more but it's made their narc traits even worse. Pure hell when you're really sick already as they make it worse
Overt narcissists are so much easier to deal with because everything is out In the open. Covert narcissists are pretending to be something they're not, and more often than not, they are very good at playing that part. Humble, low key, caring etc. They are great actors, and sadly they often believe their own bullshit.
Mom did genealogy to boost her low self esteem while codependent to my narcissistic father. She enjoys belonging to DAR and Mayflower Society, etc where she can hobnob with others and pretend her life was great. She commits to projects because she cannot say no, and then dumps the work onto her less favorite daughters; even volunteering us for leadership roles when nobody will run for president, etc. Not that she would have done it herself, she rides on my accomplishments and claims they supported me thru college and professional grad school. They did not. Some people live in a fantasy world and rewrite their own history. disgusts me.
So this is the part that I have a hard time wrapping my head around regarding narcissists. Are they great actors OR are they believing their own bullshit? If they actually believe what they are saying then they believe they are good and believe they care though the facts don't line up then they aren't actors. Are they evil or so deeply wounded that they really do believe that they are the victims in all cases? I've had the unfortunate situation of having two narcissistic bosses both made life hell. The second really believed that everyone was out to get him that 'everyone else was bullying him', and couldn't see that in fact he was the bully in every one of his life relationships. No matter what you say to him you must have had some sort of ulterior motive. Is there a way to help these people by going to the root of their self-hatred and insecurities? It seems like a long journey but in my experience, they do bad things without realizing that they are bad people.
@@calvinfinney5083 I have a hard time wrapping my head around it too. But dont be fooled. Many of them know exactly what theyre doing. They just pretend that they dont.
True. It is probable thar coverts narcs make more harm and pain, than overts narcs. I just wonder, what how does it feel to came from normal and not narcissistic families. I came from two narcissicist families of origin, and had the bad luck of come to live with my wife and kids, in the same city where life ones of the most narccisistic relatives of my mother´s family.
Everything said in this session is a replica of what I experienced. I left my husband 5 weeks ago and I want you all to know there is a life after leaving a nark and you do start to feel better. You start to realise ur self worth. Im getting my humour back now and enjoying life just being me.
Amen. I discovered I actually Do have very good insights, talents AND a sense of humor; that my mistakes were not near as horrendous as he made them out to be and most of all that all men ARE NOT like him (as he always claimed).
I keep giving the narcissist in my life the benefit of the doubt only to be reminded of who they really are. These videos help keep me on the path not to let this person keep me from being my best self.
Same here. My reasoning is I don’t want to start over. I’ve been with mine for 24 years. Almost left him last year but got sucked into the love bombing. He was good for about a year and now it’s back to being a CPAN. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like he’s a narc to me. He doesn’t seem to be vindictive or mean. He even seems like he wishes he could change or says he tries to be better but can’t. So I feel bad about it. What if he’s autistic or dealing with trauma or a thousand other reasons??? Is it really all an act? It really makes me feel crazy.
Unfortunately their is no giving these people the benefit of the doubt they will disappoint you everytime but I totally get it why is it just so hard 🥹
One thing they’ll do in response to your reaction to their passive aggressive behavior is to magnify what you said to them while sweeping their share of the fault under the rug
@@classylady7350 Careful planning takes time. Small increments. Plan to be as independent as possible - including other people outside of your relationship, but especially anyone connected to your partner. Don't let on you have a plan. ..and enjoy that feeling of knowing you're heading in the right direction.... heading in the other direction from the narcissist! Mr. C will show you the knowledge needed I'm sure ;o,
Because when they harm you they don't believe it is harm they only know about harm when they are being harmed themselves. Depending on the severity I see narcissists as being dysphoric deluded people who are totally out of control. They are erratic, chaotic and harmful people who actually believe that their evil deeds are 'good'. I really think they are deluded enough to think they are God. Whenever you give them evidence that they aren't, they blow a stack. They can't really handle much of anything. They are neurotic, unhinged, dangerous people who go around thinking they are God. I think they are only a few short steps away (depending on severity) from total insanity or psychosis.
The best tool to use on a covert narc is everything you plan with them - Put it in text via phone or email. That way you can refer back to the original plan that was attempted to be implemented by the narc. OMG - it works very,very well for me. They really don’t know how to handle this because- they cannot lie their way out of the situation. Talk about silencing a narc - Boom !
This is so On Point🎯 “Coverts do have a grandiose sense of self, are preoccupied with fantasies of power, require excessive admiration, but they HIDE all these attributes so people will like and trust them.” From Debbie Mirza’s book, The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist
The delusions and self-importance are so strong in them. The Covert Narc's official slogan could easily be, "Don't you know who I am?" Our answer should be, "Yes, and I don't care."
saw this sign/pic on yt: *"some people aren't speaking to you because they OWE you an apology"* headline was: *"shout out to all the women [everyone] healing from things no one ever apologized to them for"*
lifewithapurpose Did you see any of the it happens to men as well, comments?! I realise that it's not funny at all, yet I read a LOT of comments (used to read a lot of books and don't have a TV again now) and see this whenever someone uses the word woman rather than men and women, or people, then many arguments ensue. It also seems like gender issues are getting MUCH worse, instead of better, especially with extremely troubled and narcissistic men with immense unhealed childhood trauma wounds, such as Andrew Tate, giving advice to the younger more vulnerable ones. Edit: I'm back to add that I'm very tired and noticed that the word everyone was in brackets when I read your comment again! I'm thinking that some people still would've objected though. 😊
@@cyndigooch1162 yeah dark times for our generation - so many fathers were treated appalingly in the 90s...it gets my goat that men always go on about how women only want money - when men only want thin beautiful women!
@@cheri238 How dare men ever express that they also experience things that women experienced, after women frame it as a women's issue, and then react to men expressing similar experiences by shaming them for speaking on it because it's not about them right now, it's about women. Right.
Understand so you can recognize when it's happening. Then respond thoughtfully. At some point, you can predict their tactics. Then you can smile inside at just how right you are and how predictable they are.
@@lindar85204 You get caught off guard because you cannot fathom their tactics as possible, let alone normal. That’s why we are here. Well, I am anyway. I want to understand enough to recognize those tactics as they are happening, and get to a point where I can predict those tactics. At that point when I/we can see how predictable they are, there is no longer an element of surprise to garner the reaction they are targeting for.
The hard part is when someone breaks away from a narcissist and their decades of abuse and goes "no contact", they are accused of being a passive aggressive covert narcissist. That is my situation. And all the enablers are convinced through smear campaigns that I am one because I have set up clear healthy (and reasonable) boundaries and will no longer be the family's sacrificial black sheep. I have my own family and my young children's needs were put on hold because I did not have these boundaries in place. Well, that has stopped, and I have no regrets. I have to continue to look ahead as I rebuild my life without the toxicity.
Same here. I feel so guilty and frankly worried to be like them. I want to think that the difference is in the attitude. You are not giving them silent treatment to gain anything or punish them. You are simply not talking to them because you want to be away from their abuse.
You have every right to lose both the narcissist AND their enablers if that's what has to happen. Given time, those who matter will come to realize the truth, and those who don't matter will never figure it out anyway. You have every right to self-preservation, and you've certainly put in your time earning it.
First of all my husband would insist on driving me places, even when it wAsn't necessary. I would tell him when I had to be there and when I wanted to leave. He always kept me waiting. I didn't understand it then. I get it now. My ex did all of these things. ☹️
I realize they offer help on important tasks only to abandon you because they WANT you to be stressed out, do poorly and fail, so their implication that you aren’t valuable and are lucky to have them seems validated by the ‘evidence’ they create in destroying your successes and self esteem
I learned to fake the time I or the narc needed to be somewhere. For example if the appointment was for 2:00, I would say it was for 1:30. Worked like a charm, and we would arrive at 2:00 😀
Every single trait you described fits my former best friend perfectly. I'm so glad to see someone else who sees the same exact things. One key thing that they do is to isolate everyone from each other, so we all can't compare notes (on the narcissist). That's one of their biggest fears. Another side motive is that they don't want others to see how you're really being treated and spoken to by them (including all of the gaslighting). They don't want others to see how they operate with you, when it's just the two of you together. That would seriously conflict with how they present you and your relationship to them, because it's all suppose to be on you, and not the narcissist.
Yes! I have a mother like this who would do this to me and my two sisters. She’d always talk badly about them to me and say, “just don’t tell them”. I can only imagine what she says about me behind my back. Thank god she lives in a different country and I’m able to grey rock her now. I also had a close friend like that, who’d exclude me from everything - I ghost her now and she started love bombing me, which is just so surreal.
I cant believe how true this is; i had a narcissistic abuser ex best friend who isolated me from her other friends and ex friends. I became close friends with one of her ex friends and our stories lined up and i couldnt believe all the missing pieces coming together, it finally became clear!!
The sht mine pulled honestly it’s exhausting even to write it out it was so underhanded and childish. I’m just glad to be free of intentionally sabotaging passive aggressive a-words! People who get offended by very reasonable boundaries simply aren’t allowed in my life anymore and wow has peace been so much easier to achieve because of it!
@@hippiecowgirl4231 not to mention having to constantly explain details til they “get it” is what the a-word’s strategy was in the first place! Either people believe I’m a reasonable person in a fkd up situation or they don’t. I’m done trying to convince anyone 😝
@@private755 this is how I feel. I am done telling others about who he really is cause guess what??? They don’t live with him so they will never know the truth the way I do, they can’t help me get free from him anyway due to the “‘til death due you part” vows I took almost 17 years ago, and after telling them I’m still back where I started-with. Him. Truthfully, no one understands if they have not experienced it. It’s difficult to explain to some people that what they are seeing is not who a person truly is and it usually sets us up for being further looked at as being the crazy ones. The narcs have this uncanning ability to fool everyone it seems. More people than not tend to believe them. I’ve come to realize that I should just discover healthy people outside of what I am dealing with from day-to-day. Don’t bad mouth him or defend myself against what he tells others cause those that choose to believe him at whatever he says have just proven where they truly stand (thanks for letting me know-I understand completely now). Keep on keeping on with joy and as much peace as possible cause the narcs and their monkeys are banking on us not being able to do so! When I tell you that I don’t have a single person on this Earth in my corner, I mean just that BUT I will not stoop to the narcs’ level. I’ve got work to do such as spread the love of Christ and pray for others going through this very situation (including myself). Some days are better than others but buckle down and pick up that cross, Solider!
It's crazy when you write it out and your like if a friend was telling you this you would tell them they deserve better but for myself ...why can't I say same thing
Looking back my sister ticks every box you’ve just described. She has used every one of those tactics. I went no contact 3 months ago as it’s impossible to have a sensible conversation with her. Life is much more peaceful but it is heartbreaking that she is so internally damaged.
Hopefully you’ll figure something out with your sister - they rarely if ever change. …. You are your number one priority!! Take really good care of yourself.
My narc sisters never include me. They go on vacations together with other family or friends, but I never get an invitation. Once my two sisters went to a bar not two miles from where I live, but never asked me to go along. It used to really hurt my feelings, but I'm no contact now and trying to build a better life.
My mom and sister banded together and treated me that way all of my life. It used to be very painful; I felt flawed. Now that I'm older I couldn't care less. They are both abusive, awful, criminal people by any standard. My mother died recently and I felt nothing. I'm not in touch with the sister at all. Remember, they are avoiding you because you are a decent person and they are not.
saw this sign/pic on yt: *"some people aren't speaking to you because they OWE you an apology"* headline was *"shout out to all the women [everyone] healing from things no one ever apologized to them for"*
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I’m in the same boat with a Narc Mom and sister. They trash everyone in the family behind our backs. I also lost my biggest friend group because of a smear campaign by one person who was a member before I was. It hurts a heck of a lot to be excluded especially when we have a primordial need to belong. Give yourself a pat on the back every day for loving yourself and adding unconditional love and wisdom to the collective. I can tell your super cool and it’s definitely their loss !! 💯🙏🏽💟
Six months driving on failing brakes when he’s a mechanic- and he always denounces how expensive brake repair places are. Asked repeatedly to have him look at/fix my brakes, was having to use emergency brake to stop a half ton truck. Meanwhile, his car(s) are all in top mechanical shape, always. He finally fixes my brakes when it’s extremely dangerous for me to drive our son to school- and then he says that I never said anything, berates me for not knowing how bad my brakes were. Also throws in that he “always” helps me, and I’m so ungrateful.
Take it in and pay for it for safety’s sake. Don’t fall for the bullying. Then when he asks you about paying just innocently say that you didn’t think he had time and it had to be done. Causes and effect facts help a lot in dealing with a narc. He’ll learn that if he doesn’t help you it’ll cost.
This is exactly what I have experienced with some family members. It's as though appearances are much more important than substance. They also will ignore us in front of others to influence others to believe something is wrong with us. They influence others against us without saying a word, looks on their face that show disapproval, and paying attention to everyone else in front of us while ignoring us, They use these covert means more than they use words. They also will arrange things with friends and make sure we know they did it without us. They are covert because they want the ability to deny what they do making us look like the crazy one.
This is true and what I’ve learned from this is to have your own set of healthy friends-away from the narc and everyone they hangout with. Don’t hang out with the narc and “their friends” (flying monkeys) on any level. It saddens me since I am dealing with a narc that is my spouse because this means I will never be able to have a loving, healthy, fruitful, caring, and compassionate marriage that I soo desired and that I wanted my children to see and experience. It means I’ll never be able to serve the Lord WITH my spouse and win souls for the kingdom of God WITH my spouse cause he doesn’t know the Lord (even though he insists that he does). It means soooo much but I am in the acceptance part of this now but I also feel the most agony for my three children.
Narcissists are excellent at acting. They get people by their charm and performance. It can leave you confused because they are so innocent in playing victim and pointing you as the abuser. Don't fall for it!💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
Covert narcissist can be that way. A lot of parents and grandparents, pastor's, church members, teachers, romantic partners, and whoever else can be that way. Getting healed, and acknowledging your own issues in the situation can and do help. What often destroy most people is then choosing to have the pity party victim mentality behavior. That is what can and will destroy you the most. We are not to be pessimistic or cynical, but learn to use GODLY wisdom, insight, and perspective. HE will and can tell you if someone is right for you or not, or if they have your best interest.
I used to call my moms compliments “compliments but…” always a weird twist at the end of the compliment. 48 years and I finally figured out my moms a covert narc and my oldest sister is a grandiose narc. And of course I’m the empath. Thanks for your videos. They’ve helped me tremendously!
@@SurvivingNarcissism I agree and think it's also unforgetable for many of us, I would say. Even after many years of radical acceptance, radical forgiveness, and even radical serenity and peace. And, perhaps because we absolutely do understand what we are experiencing in the moment in their presence, we are able to see them way more clearly, have some compassion for them and can more readily choose to not engage, especially when they are being unreasonable, again. We can more readily decide to simply not go there! To not give in to their epic and highly aggressive demands for even more supply. 🕊
The tardiness is a way of letting you know if you were really important, you’d be on time. My husband can be on time or early for work (every day) church, business meetings, working out, social outings, but can’t make it home to dinner
I actually enjoy the silent treatment. I get to have some time alone and do whatever I want in peace. 30 years in and just finding out why my life has been so challenging. Thanks for the video. Knowledge is Power. 🎉
Thank you so much for this Dr C, I recently cut contact with a covert narcissist whose abuse was so subtle and disguised I am still thinking maybe I got it wrong. Videos like this make it absolutely clear. No I did not!
@@melw3313 I get it. I've been divorced now 3 years from my ex and just now recovering my stamina and health after 31 years of crazy making. But there is life after their insanity when we just leave and move on.
I cannot leave. We're both on fixed incomes so together there's a roof to live under. Up until last year I really did think it was all my fault. Slowly gaining perspective and being able to pick myself up and live to the best of my ability, not engaging in the games, and keep moving forward towards peace in my heart. Wishing all peace, when and where you can find it ☮️
I've got one, they'll tell you something that you can or don't have to do, and then after a while they start getting upset about doing the thing that they told you you didn't have to do. For me, I always liked to wash my own dishes, and when I got with the narc, it became a thing where they were like "no no it's okay I can wash your dishes". Then after a few months it became "I don't want to wash your dishes anymore, you do them" after a long time of me having to ask them to let me do my dishes myself, and they acted like I was being rude, whether I asked to wash my own dishes or let them, and even when I started cleaning them myself again the complaint then became "you use so many more dishes than us", so basically I'm supposed to feel bad for existing and needing to eat and having a job that I work 12 hours at so I can't just wash my dishes immediately all the time. Narcs sure do see themselves as the arbiters of what's good
OMG I can relate to ALL of these 12 tactics.... it's become almost pervasive in work, social and family situations...my most experience is within the family.....I'm starting to hate all people!!
That’s why it’s important that we distance ourselves from narcissists and find a healthy community. I had to leave my entire family and most “friends” behind, and the grief and sadness is strong… but I’m finally working on my own life, and slowly finding people who are actually mutually supportive and empathetic, and it’s the best feeling in the world 💙 all the best to you!
Thank you Dr C. When anger or dismissal doesn't work for them, they can suddenly become the hurt child that needs you to do stuff for them and make you feel guilty.
I knew someone like this who would offer to do things when I was in desperate need, such as offering to babysit for the weekend so I could study for finals saying she would arrive Friday night, then Friday she would provide an excuse for why she would actually come first thing Saturday morning so I could head to the library. Then Saturday morning would come and by 10 or 11 she’d have a car issue or a health issue or some other reason she could not come till later, and although this was a pattern of course I would be ungrateful because after all she was doing me a favor (even when I offered to pay). I now see how manipulative it was-always offering to do favors then flaking out or procrastinating.
The most hurtful and dishonest behavior for me was always the cold shoulder. It meant that my feelings were irrelevant, that he was punishing and controlling me, that love was a weapon and a weakness and that he did not respect me in any way. He actually told me that it was "the only way to teach me a lesson."
They are everything abominable & wicked. They subvert & undermine all that is legit...honorable...peaceful...harmonious...!!! I have recently realized that my whole life was being gaslit by this covert perpetrator. The Anguish is very severe & difficult to work through. I will get to the otherside of this and live my life again in full bloom. All that you have talked about today I have experienced in real time. To all the people working through this do not give up or give into defeat. These people were out to destroy the beauty that we really do possess. Remember that today....they wanted to give you their ugliness and steal your true self. God will help us get through this insidious hellacious abuse. My heart goes out to all who have encountered the devil in these people. I stand by that statement fully...& will not be gaslit...!! Truly Thank you Dr. C...YOUR VIDEOS ARE SO VERY HELPFUL & ENCOURAGING.
Dear Dr. Les Carter, I found out your videos a month ago. Since then you've been a blessing! I suppose that "Passive Aggressive Tactics" is the deep aim of these controversial personalities. All my gratitude to awareness and the truly good help you're bringing us. You're healing wounds. God bless you forever!
Reguengos de Monsaraz 😊 Don’t miss Dr Carter’s ☀️ vast collection of videos, and now pod casts, easily available. (Sorry to sound like a commercial but I’ve been listening for quite a while and I’m still not caught up. ☮️
These people are textbook! I experienced all these tactics. Their lack of communication and lack of accountability is ridiculous. Toddlers in an adult body is what they are!
The sighs from them argh. Talking under their breath but when asked “pardon, what are you saying”, “oh nothing” or explosion of aggression. Constantly doing this yet will often say they hate people talking under their breath/behind backs. As a punctual person I really hate the constantly being late, the rudeness of it, out the door with minutes to spare then ‘forgetting’ something, back inside, dawdling. I was asked recently “why are you so calm” which clearly was irritating him.
I listened to this twice today. I’ve been married 35 years and every single thing you’ve stated is exactly what my husband has done over the years. I am so exhausted & fighting depression. I’m so tired of always being portrayed as the problem. He is ALWAYS the victim. ALWAYS! I’m tired of feeling like I’m going crazy and questioning my actions or feeling guilty over something that has nothing to do with me. I have to get out of this marriage before I crater. Thank you for this video!
Me too, married 30 years and it's been bad for at least eight years. I have a year or two left on my sentence before I start getting Social Security, then I can escape but it will take half my check to rent a small apartment. Worth it, though!
My husband, a clergyman, has experienced all these behaviors and then some from the church organist, who is a pillar of the church and community. He made the mistake of requesting different/new music, and she is not a person that has ever done anything different in her 40+ years there as the music director. It’s a difficult situation, because she has gathered all her flying monkeys/supply (other church pillars) to her dark side in recent years. We appreciate all your advice for how to deal with this type of passive-aggressive narcissism.
@@sirtedricwalker2979 I agree with you! They hired my husband to bring in news ways and to make changes, but the old church pillars (who are all toxic) have resisted and worked against anything he has suggested or tried to change all along, which has been confusing and crazy to deal with.
@@redzin8818 Thanks for asking! There’s nothing that will ever change about these people. It’s a very toxic dynamic. But my husband is retiring at the end of the month, so he will be shaking the dust off his shoes as he leaves. 😊
@@kristischark5590 Sometimes God sends people to places and they reject His Spirit instead of yielding to Him. Happens all the time, but unfortunately people like you and your husband receive the brunt of their anger. People might think they've had the last word, but its actually God who has it. The seeds you planted, were meant for someone there. 🌱🕊
My ex-husband was a controller. He would never let me stay home when he wanted to go the his family's cabin up north. However when we got to the cabin. He would get on his 4 wheeler with his cousins and leave me alone at the cabin. 20 years of this behavior. I am free of him and safe.
I grew up with abusive parents. My brother is a narcissist. My boyfriends were abusive as was one of my bosses. When I went to my partners family about the abuse my son was facing from their family member, I was told, "You say everyone is abusive." Yes, because they were. I still feel the shame from that comment. That is when I learned that there are different types of narcissists in families and sometimes to survive they cover for each other.
Thank you for this excellent video. You have perfectly described someone I know. I love how you said, ' Yes, I know I don't measure up, and I'm ok with that.' I'm comfortable with myself and I will focus on my good conduct and my inherent worth. Go Team Healthy !
I've come to the conclusion that anyone you meet/deal with who regards all your interactions as "transactions" and they keep score you have a narcisst there. Run.
This will be so helpful to those that don't recognize this cowardly behavior for what it is-aggression but also a BAITING tactic. Spot on with the lifestyle sabotage: Example- You tell the narcissist you need to leave by 9:30 at the latest, they get dressed as slowly as possible and the two of you walk out of the door at 9:29, when you get to the car, suddenly the narc realizes that they "forgot" their phone/wallet. They walk as slowly as they can back to get it and back to the car and also use the restroom while they are at it. By the time they get back to the car it is 9:38. Now, as they are driving, they are driving ridiculously slow-15 mph in a 35 mph zone and also start stopping at green/yellow lights (I kid you not). Another example is them conveniently forgetting something that you want them to bring home or purposely, repeatedly getting your order wrong when they are bringing home food. Example: You give them a list of FOUR things to bring back from the store and somehow they "accidentally" come home with only three because they got "distracted" somehow. There are ways to thwart these sabotage attempts but it is revolting to see them in action, nonetheless.
@@kirstenshindler7767 Yes, and have you ever experienced them saying they are going to go somewhere that is five minutes away and yet they come back 1 1/2-2 hours later (especially when you need them at home for a specific reason)? I used to call but now that I see it for the baiting tactic that it is, I just ignore it.
😂😂 my oldest brother to a tee! I never rely on him anymore I rent a car when I visit. Especially The driving 15 miles an hour down 30 mile an hour street! Been there, feeling embarrassed for the people whoever is following him I would want to like ram into him.! I need to get to the airport I’d like to be early… oh OK. (Ugh) I would end up lying about what time my flight is just to make sure I would get there without stressing out. Also,Putting on the cruise control in busy traffic and then starting to swerve in and out of lanes instead of hitting the brakes and driving normally. Last but not least… Letting the gas get down to almost empty, driving miles from home, late on a Sunday night in a non urban area.
Dr C said 'at times the may act as if you are just non existent' - I experienced exactly that for years. I was completley baffled, as we had three children together and would have looked to outsiders as if we were living an ordinary married life. it is the worst feeling...
Gus is on a roll with napping on his blanket. This tactics list is gold! I'm very thankful for all the information about covert narcissist behavior patterns; my "detection manual" keeps getting better and better. Running underneath all these tactics, I see an unwillingness to take personal responsibility for their actions. As Dr. Carter says in another video, if you see that, it's narcissism, guaranteed.
Everything you explain, I can pinpoint it even from years ago. If only I knew this stuff back then, because when you don’t know this stuff, that’s when you really end up under water ☹️
WOW! This whole time I just called my ex-husband a chameleon.... I had no idea I was dealing with a passive aggressive covert narcissist! It's good to have an actual name for it, I just thought I was losing my mind! He has all 12 of these. And now, I'm free of them! Thank God!
This channel was sent to me by my guardian angels because I have been MARRIED TO THIS TYPE OF MAN for 22 yrs. Almost half my LIFE & have FINALLY REALIZED 100% that it is NOT BECAUSE OF ME that our marriage is breaking up, sadly. I knew for the past 5 years when he started to REALLY display all these MAJOR COVERT narcissistic behaviors that there was something wrong with HIM even tho he tried to constantly put the blame on ME, making me feel CRAZY and FRUSTRATED beyond belief. He is not only covert , he is a sociopathic type which is why he has had no problem making my autoimmune diaeases , depression & pain problems WORSE, instead of helping me get better.I'm stunned that there are people like this and I'm very very sad that the majority can't change. I'm so thankful that I've never taken all his criticism's to heart & know who I AM. What bothered me the most is that all I've ever wanted was to feel loved , honored & cherished and he KNOWS how badly I've always wanted to get this from him. Its the only thing I've ever asked of him...now I know why..I was right all along when I told him " u don't treat someone u love the way YOU TREAT ME" . his answer was that I need MORE love then a normal person!!! That I'm different and ask way too much from him (emotionally)! Sadly, I grew up without having loving /nurturing parents and had a covert narcassist for a mom..to make things even worse, I have come to realize I am an empath & sensitive to all my surroundings. This type of person is the most TOXIC 4 me & now I know why he ignores all my crying & pleas for change from him. It all makes perfect sense now. Today is a sad day 4 me..but even a sad day is a happy day for me because I am ALIVE & still able to make a difference in the world. Is it a waste of My time & energy if he wants to go to a marriage councelor? Dr. Thank u for your guidance. I will be visiting your website this afternoon ! Peacen❤2all
I actually like the silent treatment. it gives me peace. And now I realize I really do not care. Be wary of the nice treatment from the narcissist, they are setting you up to be vulnerable with them and then use it against you. They never stop putting you down. But they measure it out .
I ran into one recently who went beyond the silent treatment / stonewalling / disdainful garbage and indulged in low key vandalism as a combo of vengeance and gaslighting. We were boarding horses at the same facility and she would take fly masks off other peoples horses and throw them in the stalls to get them messed up, pull the lids off of other people's feed barrels, unlock stalls, etc. Of course she was super sneaky about it, just getting off on causing chaos and confusion. Until we caught her and kicked her out!
When you catch a covert narcissist you have to kick them out because clearly they're not right in the head & will lie & deceive even with solid evidence of their horrible behaviour .Feed kept going missing at the stables so the owner installed CCTV surveillance & when the camera's got footage of the woman doing it even with crystal clear images of it being her she still feigned the victim & denied any theft or wrongdoing. The funny thing is that when she was kicked out no further feed theft occurred. Horses are like children, they're defenceless & depend on us to protect them & keep them safe, so we can't reasonably allow a harmful person like a narcissist near them.
This is exactly my My Mum. Thanks DrC for confirming what I’ve gone through most off my life till now with My Mum and her moods.I’m not crazy woohoo God Bless you and your family and all others watching too in the same situation lots off healing love to you all too.
My Mom too. I can't not see it now. It's like the Matrix movie when Neo sees the code (the green numbers/letters raining down). EVERYTHING she says/does is to serve her agenda. She doesn't give a second thought to the emotional damages in her wake. I just spend 5 DAYS with her and siblings and family. I was ready (best I could be), others "played their parts". They were her unsuspecting pawns and abused victims. It was soul sucking before my eyes.Tge pain expressed to me when she wasn't in the room came from everyone. I listened then asked them to research covert narcissist and told them they weren't crazy and their pain was real. Told them to be ready, once you see it clearly you can't un see what our mother is.
Hi Gus! 🤗 Thanks Dr. Carter, my now-ex did 10 of the 12 regularly for 9 years. The silent treatment was the worst. He would say "I'm not giving you the silent treatment, I just need to withdraw for a while" but it always happened right after I wanted to talk to him about problems in the relationship. Total avoidance. Either that or he'd push my buttons to the point where I would get upset, then tell me that I had no control over my emotions and he refuses to talk to me when I'm "like that"...gaslighting right? I'm learning; and learning brings healing! I've been following your channel for years and finally got the courage to walk away last month. The clarity that being removed from the constant menacing atmosphere living with him is astounding. Thanks again.
So so true you got it spot on. I’m cutting my aunt out of my life because of this passive aggressive behavior. She makes so many digs and comments and if you confront her about it she says she isn’t mean to anyone , and she’s joking ? But she’s very judgmental and mean about everyone lol She gets upset if I don’t text her constantly , if I have good things going for me , she doesn’t want boundaries between us it’s strange . She’s 71 and gotten a lot worse recently
My ex did all of these things. I learned the 'game' and playing or resisting it just ground me down. Once I just stopped trying he moved on and I see that he lived to provoke a reaction, drama and chaos
i am watching these videos daily, i'm dealing with a narcissist that hides it to other people so well, that i think i might be going crazy somedays. But after every video, this person ticks every single one of these trait boxes. i try to keep my distance and not dirty my hands with this person, but even THAT gets me into drama. these videos are all that is keeping me sane and focusing on the bigger picture. i hate that they make life so chaotic, especially being an introvert i cannot cope with this rollercoaster anymore, i just want to be left alone at this point.
Hang in there, was in the exact same place as you. Dr C has a great video about going low contact when no contact is not a practical option in your lifestyle. It is a life saver. And remember, cling to the fact that You Are Not the Crazy One!
I’m dealing with it too and really appreciate your comment. It requires a lot of strength and endurance dealing with these ppl. It’s practice and sparring for the spiritual black belt, which all who understand this probably have to get, to get through this! Self care and focusing on light/God, and goodness, and staying very active, busy and engaged, and spending time in nature, eating healthy, etc, help, but it’s not easy. Dr. Cs vids have been A LIFE SAVER, seriously!!! This is because these ppl seek to normalize their behavior, by continuing to play gaslighting, blame shifting, triangulation, or whatever cruel game they play. Thank goodness Dr. C has shown so many what we’re dealing with here. It’s a service to humanity and many ppl who are suffering and not understanding the monster. It’s truly not okay. I understand and commiserate. Good luck with it. (And thank you Dr. Carter!!!! You help so many ppl who have been so alone in this. Bless you.)
Im dealing with it to ten yrs two kids I now know that I have c-ptsd from it mine can only go a couple of days before he has to pick at me about the dumbest things I ever heard the only person he can't seem to take away from me is sister it drives him nuts he managed to take away all of my friends but not my sister he hates that I tell her what's going on his famous line is there is 2 side to every story I made the mistake of calling him a narcissistic so of course he call me one back.
My big brother James was a champion covert narcissist. I mean he took it to the gold medal status. He pulled all of this stuff on me and more. The sad thing is I was so naive and was a truly tormented soul trying to understand what was going on. I am much the wiser now and I “get it” thanks to Dr C. I’m so grateful for healing power of knowledge. 🤩
Another element to #6 (smear campaign) is that these people will mumble unkind words under their breath, just loud enough for you to hear them, but when you ask them to speak up, they suddenly say, "oh, nothing." My sister was great for this: her passive-aggressive tactic was to say really rude things just loud enough to be heard. Unfortunately, I never called her out. I wish I would have said, "if you have something to say, say it to my face, otherwise STFU."
Teaching sessions: sharing their great wisdom, life experience, and advice of what is "the right thing" to do in a given situation. Usually, its a common-place scenario, for example: a friend calls after their car broke down nearby, or has a flat tire, etc. OF COURSE a person would help, in any number of ways! There is no need for a condescending, sit-down discussion to teach me how a "good" person would respond. What they're saying is, "I dont believe you know 'this,' so I must teach you."
Recently got hit with several of these behaviors. Rather than even bothering I just deleted from all social media and blocked. Not worth my time. Guess I’m growing, because in the past I would be so inward focused “what did I do”, not anymore. It’s a good place to be!
A song for narcissists. ‘Walking on eggshells’. I’m walking on eggshells and don’t it feel bad. I can definitely relate to being left out of activities & the silent treatment. The narc is very slippery & at times very evil. Thanks for another helpful video Doc.
I have a family member who is a covert narcissist of whom married into the family. This person attempts continually to cause discord in my family. Does not consider our family's traditions and completely ignores any of our expressed desires to celebrate the normal traditional milestones of life such birthdays, baby showers, and wedding receptions. Yet wants our family to acknowledge all of their traditions. This person from the moment I met them has made digs on my level of education, having an opinion about party's I've thrown (implied I didn't do well running my large party), having an opinion about so many things, so not sure if this person is a covert but they really seem to be. I wish these how to i.d. a narcissistic person didn't always explain things on a romantically involved slant. You do that in this video, however a ton of videos do. You did a great job in this video and I really enjoyed it. THANKS FOR YOUR PASSION TO HELP!
listening again, so much truth. how about this? - you work your ass off on a project, you do 98% of the work, he does 1%, and other people do 1%. at the end he says "Thanks for your help."
Dr C you’re so spot on I always felt like walking on eggshells around her . She is so fake but nobody sees it .Blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life when she’s the one who chose to do them . I m glad I went no contact,my sanity means more . Blessings to you for your guidance and kindness to keep us in the right path.
Ugh, how they play the victim… Ditched a “friend” that said sorry to me, but it was my fault because I was the one being rude to him. My dog was dying. He kept texting me for attention. I told him I was in a crisis with the doggo dying and could not reply any further. He screams for attention to ONE-UP MY DYING DOG, saying he’ll commit suicide. Summoning every fibre of rational that I could, I reply to him that I can’t help him right now and to call the crisis line or talk to his dad or brother. Then turned my phone off. My dog died 10 mins later as I held her. He does the 180 and emails and DMs me later saying “sorry”. Blocked the narcissistic idiot since then.
My daughter's N ex called her sister and said he was going to kill himself. The sister called the police who found him dancing round his kitchen doing laundry. He never tried that one again.
That was so awful of them. I'm sorry for your loss, too💔💔💔 They have little to no Emotional Intelligence. An old friend said to me when I saw her at a store and told her my dear brother was just, sent home to be in hospice, "I'm sorry. Do you know where I can buy short sleeve dress shirts for (husband)?" and I was stunned and I was thinking, "This does not compute." Yeah, you know what people you will have an emotional, healthy, mutual connection with and ones who no longer work.
@@Dj.D25 I would say so, no matter how irrational it is...because they must feed off their supply and will do the most b@t-shit craziest thing to hold onto us (their supply). We should absolutely take suicide seriously, but it is not our responsibility to save them either (and the world, for that matter). If we cannot give support right now, then re-direct to other support (call Crisis line, reach out to someone else, etc.) Oxygen mask rule: put your own on first, and then help the person next to you.
Right on. Happening to me- the narc ex did a number on my kids. Silent Treatment was his specialty and now, alas, it’s in my kids. I’m out of the matrix- and still hopeful that my kids/ grands will get out eventually. Hope or hopeless? Passive aggressive “ vulnerable “ narc- now an old man getting sympathy by bad mouthing me. 😢 I’m moving forward- with non attachment.🙏🏼
Thank you for all the insight you share to help the healing, Dr. C! Especially in the case of the Passive Aggressive Covert Narcissists, but in all of these talks, I think it's soooo important though to always share how seemingly wonderful they can be as well. Anyone watching this just learning about it would likely say "I wouldn't put up with that!", or "why don't the targets just leave them??", placing the blame on the person who sticks around them with any hope of a life balance that the PACN feigns interest in too. Most people wouldn't get caught up in their web if not for the extreme charm, "love", and (controlled) generosity that they're exceedingly capable of showing within long periods of time. They are highly manipulative predators, who can be very lovely people when they want to be. I don't think that can be overstated when speaking of the covert and vulnerable narcs. That's one of the things that leaves the victim targets so lonely in their quest for healing among friends or associates who don't face the same up and down rollercoaster wrath from the narc. Sometimes nobody understands what you've been through with this person. In fact, the narc will go overboard with kindness to everyone around you proving *you, the target* are the only problem. Often, the target , knowing all that they've experienced, has to watch as the whole world around them worships the PACN. It can be mind-altering and so damaging to ones reality. It really is a constant mind control game to them once they have you, and some of them make it their priority to be good at that very intoxicating and confusing rollercoaster tactic of love bombing deception that serves to completely confuse the target in an ongoing way because this is someone the target sympathizes with and may truly love and care for. They play the victim constantly and act like a person who needs your input as a partner to complain to for understanding or help, but then gets mad at you and calls you bossy or demanding for involving yourself and showing normal relational care. The PACN are totally capable of being nice to you, but are more often overly attentive to outsiders, leaving you questioning your role in how they treat you (it must be your fault just as they've inferred constantly). They can break you down so far with gaslighting that you really do start to question reality and experience a constant shifting of the ground under your feet having zero stability. They leave you desperately trying to appease them so you can make sense of or straighten out what has happened, knowing they're sure it's all your fault and have likely told everyone closest to them how maddening you are, and the people believe them because they (as the flying monkeys) have never dealt with that ugly passive aggressive attacking side. It can be so subtle they can do it right in front of others, knowing your response if any will just look nuts. It's so hard to be an empathetic person who truly cares and is willing to carry some weight with these individuals, because they just unload it all on you and carry no responsibility at all. It can be so subtle, but brutal. I hope their seemingly positive attributes can be included within all these discussions so that the targets might get more understanding for themselves of the duping that takes place. Also, maybe including that will help their friends, who they're maybe sharing these videos with, then understand what they've been through and why they stayed desperately trying to fix what they never broke. The scariest most damaging people really can be disguised as the most wonderful sometimes. Thank you for helping us, Dr.C!!! Your voice of reason has been a lifesaver for me and I'm sure so many others.
Wow! I totally agree with what you've written ~ can relate to all the behaviors & other parts of it too. (sadly) I have been watching & learning from Dr. C. & these videos [I call them classes] for about 4yrs now, I think. I did NOT start watching them to learn about my husband & the major changes in his attitude & behaviors, that were the opposite of person I'd known & loved since I was 20. For me, it was a "refresher course" in this 1 part of psych class, so I could understand a friend I had for a few yrs...& also to better anticipate the actions of then-president. Had no doubt he was Overtly a Narcissist ~ nothing subtle about that guy! Had been yrs since Psych student, so wanted a refresher & updated info (we're learning new things about our brains/minds - biology & psych stuff - & how they work (or don't).🧐 I began watching these vids almost as a lark, to better predict reactions & behaviors of 2 people I felt certain were narcis. I like learning & loved Psych class, how minds (dys-) function & possible whys intrigues me. (Can't figure my own stuff out.) It's not like I have to live with a narcissist. "Whew!" LOLOL A few classes in, got the shock of my life!! I am married to a covert narci ~ THAT'S what had changed so much, after all these years! He was always shy, quiet, honest, humble & just a great guy; we communicated well! Is passive-aggressive tho, afraid to speak up with most people. Knew that. Best friend I ever had, for 12yrs, platonic roommates for 9 of them. I noticed changes later on, but narcissist? Honestly, didn't cross my mind...until 1 day I will NEVER forget ~ 1 of these classes early on! I just kept saying, "No!" & "No way!"...Out loud, over & over again. I was in my room, but guess it was loud enuff that husband asked what was all that noise? Still digesting all I learned that day, I said nothing. Next week, was back in class, as weeks turned into years. I had the perfect test subject right there at home! Have told him since then & few other tidbits get passed along to him, if frustrated enuff.😏 He is, for sure, a Covert Narcissist! And there's many more out there. Now, if I look, can see the signs. Have gone thru all the stages of grief, at least once. Only wish I'd learned all this much sooner. Now, I read comments like yours & totally get it. 1 thing psych classes never taught, but Dr. C does, is how to deal with it day to day. The whys & what fors; the how tos for keeping your sanity in midst of that person's crazy! I love Dr. C & the laid-back, wonderful Gus. For me, it's a long, hard journey & a very late start. Between these vudeos & the comments section, I have learned a ton of things, 1st hand. And not done yet! I do have to take "mental vacations" every do often, or get too depressed about situation & suicide then becomes an option, my option at least. Have to avoid that. But, when feel stronger I come back to the education I didn't know I needed & ALMOST wish I didn't stumble upon that 1st time. Am still working on the "but why'd it happen?" ...& the "How to's" of my here & now. There's no one quite like Dr. C -- he is truly the best at this & I'm ever so thankful that he gives of himself to help others, like us! Wrll, this was wuite a mini-novel! My apologies. Got away from me!
Lordy. This is my mother. She does all of these things. Every single one! She is totally unable to communicate and be direct or honest. She's a good little martyr. I do a quite a few of them too. I'm glad to be aware of this now, so I can recognize it and STOP DOING IT. I'm ready to purge all this toxicity so I can be a person of peace. I'm done with the chaos. Thank you, Dr. C!
haylenore Good on you for recognising your own unhealthy behaviours! I'm very aware of mine as well, so I'll keep working on them, until I'm perfect, which will never be the case. ❤
@@pianomaly9859 It's a good sign that you have empathy though and it's understandable that people who had traumatic childhoods learnt some unhealthy behaviours, even when not highly narcissistic. ❤
This sounds like a description of my workplace and the ppl in it. This would then also include me because I will not be their scapegoat. And toxicity is just plain and simply contagious. I do try to ignore and keep to myself as much as possible.
I remained in a similar situation for much of my career thinking I was strong enough to muscle through while focusing on the work. The pay and benefits and what they provided to me and my family were what We got out of it, but it took its toll over time. Take good care of yourself, and keep looking for a different job or circumstance that would be healthier for you to exist in. Best wishes.
Thank you for this. Been dealing with my addiction to these characters for 5 years. I still question myself, but your videos help immensely! My last “break,” currently in progress scored 12 of 12 according to this informative video.
4:27 here you just described a person with ADHD. I am forgetful, tardy, and have good intentions but terrible follow through. I live with shame over this.
The asking question one hit the nail on the head for me. Just went through this with my fiancé’s mother about her meddling in what to do for our child. And all she kept asking was what brought this on, instead of answering the question about her meddling in our lives.
That’s exactly what they do, and in an arrogant, smug and entitled way. My mother is the same way. Repeatedly asked my husband and me why we decided to move away from the area she was in, even though we explained over and over that we wanted to be in warmer climate, away from the city, etc. It’s like she couldn’t accept that the decision had nothing to do with her, and how dare we just do something like that. She was outraged. These ppl have no concept of someone else’s right to privacy/ or having whatever life they decide. THey are possessive and aggressive about their views and right to know/do whatever they think is right at any time with no apology. Overthrowing everyone’s authority, sabotaging, undermining and scheming. Good that you set the boundary. Never give in to it, and I see it requires complete detachment and self care first for oneself and ones loved ones. These ppl/things/entities are terrrorists and want to come out crushing all, and they come out smelling like roses. Disgusting. Good luck with it.
Oh my goodness!!! THIS WAS SUPER HELPFUL and hard because I always pray he will change. Thank you for being there for all of us who NEED to hear these things. You help us to know that we aren’t crazy after all.
The frustrating thing is trying to explain to friends and family what's going on; they fall for the covert's dishonest narrative and wild-horses can't get them to discern the truth!
It drives away people who we really need to stay with us.
One way to explain it is to say that they are only like this to people they are trying to control, msinly intimate partners. My bf doesn't need to control my mum so he's charming to her, as he is to work colleagues. What they do is try to break you down to rebuild you in their mould so why would they bother to do that to someone they don't want to control...they wouldn't!
Don't worry about that. So what you need to extricate yourself no matter what!
Stay away from all of them. I have barely spoken with my mum in five years ,yet the word out is that WE fight constantly. Lol. Funny but not.
@@kimsylvia5341 my mom is the threatening type! She'll cut you out of her life or will when you push back on the control and hypocrisy. She tried and still does to turn the children/people on my father even after his death to this day and she divorced him 36 years ago and claims she had a fabulous life with her other husband 🤬
12 Passive Agressive Tactics
1) non-cooperation/procrastination
2) "forget" to help after offering to help
3) "forget" having talked about issue
4) manipulate through loaded questions
5) play the victim role
6) smear campaign (triangulation)
7) back-handed compliments
8) excluding you from events/gatherings
9) ignore you and act innocent
10) critical with moral high ground act
11) silent treatment
12) acting nice while having contempt
EXCELLENT ANALYSIS. Love Anna❤️
Thanks for posting them so I could get a screen shot to keep!
3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 10 - used on me this past weekend by my sister... fun times. LOL
Thanks for commenting this; these are always helpful for me :D
Thanks for the list!
“The noblest kind of retribution is not to become like your enemy” - Marcus Aurelius
Thank You 🙏 and God Bless You! 💗🫶🏻
yes.
Yes !!!!! Although that has always been my goal, I did
Internalize traits& behaviors during life and ended up hurting my 2 precious daughters feelings and was not the Mother , I deeply wanted to be for them.
I was not mature enough
& did not know back then
what my parents were.
My girls are estranged, & have hurts, caused by me,
while raising them, not meaning to behave anything like my parents.
@@Denise-y2cbless you❤️. I hope that things sort themselves out eventually. I also had a lot of traits that were picked up from my role model and it took me such a long time to become emotionally mature. My mum is 84 and has learned nothing. I know it must be so difficult to explain to your daughters what happened because it’s all so complicated and people don’t understand x
Their silent treatment used to break my heart ...but now....I just THANK GOD for it ....lol
I love it when mean people think they will punish me by not talking to me.
Yeeesssss!!! Punish Me by NOT SPEAKING TO ME! HAHA HAHA HAHA....So Fantastic:-)
@@catrinaskinny3182 lmbo
Older & wiser 😂😂😂
😂yes that’s a blessing when they don’t talk or grace you with their presence. Yay!!!🎉😂
I am SURROUNDED with these types of people.
The rolling of the eyes, in my opinion is a dead giveaway that the creature believes it is greater than you and you are just not worthy of anything.
My wife does it all the time, I've been known to ask if she might find her brain back there
@@mrchildgrownold3852 LOL 😆 😂 🤣 thanks, that's a good one, I'll remember that 😄
And the laugh… Smirk! How dismissive.
Another dead give away , is them playing their extremely arrogant queer people games
I had a “friend” who did rolled her eyes and waved her hand when I talked. I didn’t realize that she just dismissed me in the eyes of other people. Showed her disdain openly. This fiend is a lonely person with a trail of past friends behind her. Backbiting, power hungry, lied or deceived all the time, pretended to confide, all of the above. Glad I’m rid of them.
"They act like the relationship with you doesn't exist." Pretty much sums up how one feels in a relationship with a narcissist. All of these are so spot on.
I first recognized my wife's communication as passive aggressive. It drove me Crazy, angry, guilty, insulted, confused. I finally realized she was a Narcist. I have finally decided to disconnect and not react . The Grey Rock
One of the worst types of narcissists is the covert one. This person may look very charming, friendly, sophisticated, helpful and so on, but in fact these people are the most deceiving, hateful, emotionally flat, insensitive and the list goes on and on. If we cannot get rid of them immediately, we should at least ignore them and not play their games. Then whenever we can we should get away from them for good. These are evil creatures!
Yes, I do agree. The covers, or 'vulnerable' narcisistas are far more dangerous than the obvious ones, (over narcissist). As you all know, the over narcissist are quite obvious... They don't even care to hide. 👆💪😊💕
But to others who haven't seen their cruelty, they are poor hard done by victims of abuse. They are the best actors.
Amen to that
They are highly selfish and when you bring it to their attention they will say well you didn't say anything so I thought you were ok. What good hearted person can believe what they did or said would not hurt someone? Also don't tell them anything about your life. Just don't talk to them at all.
🌟 yes 🌟
🌟
A friend that frustrates me to no end....do I need her in my life? When she pulled a classic gas light effect on me, instead of getting mad or hurt, I remembered how good it feels to love myself warts and all. I told her that I have my share of flaws and faults and I work on them to be the best version of me I can be. You have a negative effect on this process and I believe we need to part friends, I wish you well. As I walk away she became belligerent and vocal but I left without acknowledging her. you cannot have a positive life surrounded by negative people. You don't need to point out their flaws they already don't want to see them.
that dog is an expert on narcissism at this point
It took me so long to realize why I was constantly exhausted until I went no contact with my dad. When you're experiencing this from family, you're trained from birth to justify these damaging behaviors, and you don't realize that your health is being destroyed.
Sperm donor was the worst narc in my life. Even 2000 miles away he still stalks me, these people are demonic
My mom manipulated me for years and still is alive…… a constant struggle to want to love her and know she’s just toxic and incapable of real love. Wishing you emotional health and healing.
@@aparnavemuri1967 Im dealing with with this exactly right now
Same gone through this all my life and now I am sick from it....plus they're starting with dementia I can see they're forgetting more and more but it's made their narc traits even worse. Pure hell when you're really sick already as they make it worse
Truth
So true, run from these people. If you find yourself watching videos trying to figure them out it’s not worth it.
Overt narcissists are so much easier to deal with because everything is out In the open. Covert narcissists are pretending to be something they're not, and more often than not, they are very good at playing that part. Humble, low key, caring etc. They are great actors, and sadly they often believe their own bullshit.
Mom did genealogy to boost her low self esteem while codependent to my narcissistic father. She enjoys belonging to DAR and Mayflower Society, etc where she can hobnob with others and pretend her life was great. She commits to projects because she cannot say no, and then dumps the work onto her less favorite daughters; even volunteering us for leadership roles when nobody will run for president, etc. Not that she would have done it herself, she rides on my accomplishments and claims they supported me thru college and professional grad school. They did not. Some people live in a fantasy world and rewrite their own history. disgusts me.
So this is the part that I have a hard time wrapping my head around regarding narcissists. Are they great actors OR are they believing their own bullshit? If they actually believe what they are saying then they believe they are good and believe they care though the facts don't line up then they aren't actors. Are they evil or so deeply wounded that they really do believe that they are the victims in all cases? I've had the unfortunate situation of having two narcissistic bosses both made life hell. The second really believed that everyone was out to get him that 'everyone else was bullying him', and couldn't see that in fact he was the bully in every one of his life relationships. No matter what you say to him you must have had some sort of ulterior motive. Is there a way to help these people by going to the root of their self-hatred and insecurities? It seems like a long journey but in my experience, they do bad things without realizing that they are bad people.
@@calvinfinney5083 I have a hard time wrapping my head around it too. But dont be fooled. Many of them know exactly what theyre doing. They just pretend that they dont.
True. It is probable thar coverts narcs make more harm and pain, than overts narcs. I just wonder, what how does it feel to came from normal and not narcissistic families. I came from two narcissicist families of origin, and had the bad luck of come to live with my wife and kids, in the same city where life ones of the most narccisistic relatives of my mother´s family.
Spot on.
You are PURE GOLD. You explain every narc in my life. I am an empath. I want peace. l I can spot a narc or ego maniac in a room of 100 people easily.
self labeled "empaths" are nothing but more narcissists. Every normal human being is an empath. stop feeling so special about having feelings.
Everything said in this session is a replica of what I experienced. I left my husband 5 weeks ago and I want you all to know there is a life after leaving a nark and you do start to feel better. You start to realise ur self worth. Im getting my humour back now and enjoying life just being me.
God bless and glory to Him that He helped you escape
Amen. I discovered I actually Do have very good insights, talents AND a sense of humor; that my mistakes were not near as horrendous as he made them out to be and most of all that all men ARE NOT like him (as he always claimed).
@@SendItForward just living in reality is so healing
💞
Congratulations 🎉 to freedom!!
I'm learning to love the silent treatment.... it's like a hall pass to be myself for a week or so again.
I keep giving the narcissist in my life the benefit of the doubt only to be reminded of who they really are. These videos help keep me on the path not to let this person keep me from being my best self.
Same here. My reasoning is I don’t want to start over. I’ve been with mine for 24 years. Almost left him last year but got sucked into the love bombing. He was good for about a year and now it’s back to being a CPAN. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like he’s a narc to me. He doesn’t seem to be vindictive or mean. He even seems like he wishes he could change or says he tries to be better but can’t. So I feel bad about it. What if he’s autistic or dealing with trauma or a thousand other reasons??? Is it really all an act? It really makes me feel crazy.
I also want to say that denial is a huge part of getting through this. I think denial has kept me stuck.
Unfortunately their is no giving these people the benefit of the doubt they will disappoint you everytime but I totally get it why is it just so hard 🥹
If we let them own us in any way? We are them. Miserable
Run in the mighty name of Jesus, Amen.
One thing they’ll do in response to your reaction to their passive aggressive behavior is to magnify what you said to them while sweeping their share of the fault under the rug
Yep, you nailed it!! Divorced 6 months ago after 37 years of marriage to a covert narcissist. You described him perfectly!
Reading these comments give me hope. I've been in a relationship for 20 years and I am emotionally drained. God bless you!
@@classylady7350
Careful planning takes time.
Small increments.
Plan to be as independent as possible - including other people outside of your relationship, but especially anyone connected to your partner.
Don't let on you have a plan.
..and enjoy that feeling of knowing you're heading in the right direction.... heading in the other direction from the narcissist!
Mr. C will show you the knowledge needed I'm sure ;o,
@@darz_k. Thank you.
32 years and counting. I am so impressed that you got free after 37 years
Me too. Some days Im strong and some days, high anxiety and tears.
they want the ability to harm me but get upset when i harm them back in self defense
Because when they harm you they don't believe it is harm they only know about harm when they are being harmed themselves. Depending on the severity I see narcissists as being dysphoric deluded people who are totally out of control. They are erratic, chaotic and harmful people who actually believe that their evil deeds are 'good'. I really think they are deluded enough to think they are God. Whenever you give them evidence that they aren't, they blow a stack.
They can't really handle much of anything. They are neurotic, unhinged, dangerous people who go around thinking they are God. I think they are only a few short steps away (depending on severity) from total insanity or psychosis.
Thanks for the reminders that attempting to get a narcissist to act like a normal healthy person is a complete waste of time!
Yep
The best tool to use on a covert narc is everything you plan with them - Put it in text via phone or email. That way you can refer back to the original plan that was attempted to be implemented by the narc. OMG - it works very,very well for me. They really don’t know how to handle this because- they cannot lie their way out of the situation. Talk about silencing a narc - Boom !
This is so On Point🎯
“Coverts do have a grandiose sense of self, are preoccupied with fantasies of power, require excessive admiration, but they HIDE all these attributes so people will like and trust them.”
From Debbie Mirza’s book, The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist
Yes.
They have an insatiable appetite to be LIKED it's unbelievable !
Which is exactly why I cannot trust them anymore because I see behind it
The delusions and self-importance are so strong in them. The Covert Narc's official slogan could easily be, "Don't you know who I am?"
Our answer should be, "Yes, and I don't care."
100%
saw this sign/pic on yt:
*"some people aren't speaking to you because they OWE you an apology"*
headline was:
*"shout out to all the women [everyone] healing from things no one ever apologized to them for"*
Very true, hang in there. LOVE, ANNA❤️
lifewithapurpose Did you see any of the it happens to men as well, comments?!
I realise that it's not funny at all, yet I read a LOT of comments (used to read a lot of books and don't have a TV again now) and see this whenever someone uses the word woman rather than men and women, or people, then many arguments ensue.
It also seems like gender issues are getting MUCH worse, instead of better, especially with extremely troubled and narcissistic men with immense unhealed childhood trauma wounds, such as Andrew Tate, giving advice to the younger more vulnerable ones.
Edit: I'm back to add that I'm very tired and noticed that the word everyone was in brackets when I read your comment again! I'm thinking that some people still would've objected though. 😊
@@cyndigooch1162 yeah dark times for our generation - so many fathers were treated appalingly in the 90s...it gets my goat that men always go on about how women only want money - when men only want thin beautiful women!
@@cheri238 How dare men ever express that they also experience things that women experienced, after women frame it as a women's issue, and then react to men expressing similar experiences by shaming them for speaking on it because it's not about them right now, it's about women.
Right.
I’m looking forward to this because these passive aggressive tactics tend to catch me off guard and I need to understand them better.
Understand so you can recognize when it's happening. Then respond thoughtfully. At some point, you can predict their tactics. Then you can smile inside at just how right you are and how predictable they are.
Me too. If it doesnt make sense trust your gut
@@aaronkwolfe Good words.
Some people just catch me off guard and I'm looking around going what just happened here?
@@lindar85204 You get caught off guard because you cannot fathom their tactics as possible, let alone normal. That’s why we are here. Well, I am anyway. I want to understand enough to recognize those tactics as they are happening, and get to a point where I can predict those tactics. At that point when I/we can see how predictable they are, there is no longer an element of surprise to garner the reaction they are targeting for.
"I'm going to be comfortable with me." I love that!
Yes sir...digs and jabs, putting the fork in and twisting it is what they like. Makes them feel so superior. The arrogance is sickening truthfully...🤢
The hard part is when someone breaks away from a narcissist and their decades of abuse and goes "no contact", they are accused of being a passive aggressive covert narcissist. That is my situation. And all the enablers are convinced through smear campaigns that I am one because I have set up clear healthy (and reasonable) boundaries and will no longer be the family's sacrificial black sheep. I have my own family and my young children's needs were put on hold because I did not have these boundaries in place. Well, that has stopped, and I have no regrets. I have to continue to look ahead as I rebuild my life without the toxicity.
Sounds like you have experienced my family. One word sums it up from the safe distance of no contact: whatever
It’s a rough spot to be in but continue to grow. It will be painful along the way. Expect that much. It will all be ok.
I so hear you on this! I'm living the exact same thing in my family. How did you set boundaries, what did you say...if I may ask?
Same here. I feel so guilty and frankly worried to be like them. I want to think that the difference is in the attitude. You are not giving them silent treatment to gain anything or punish them. You are simply not talking to them because you want to be away from their abuse.
You have every right to lose both the narcissist AND their enablers if that's what has to happen. Given time, those who matter will come to realize the truth, and those who don't matter will never figure it out anyway. You have every right to self-preservation, and you've certainly put in your time earning it.
First of all my husband would insist on driving me places, even when it wAsn't necessary. I would tell him when I had to be there and when I wanted to leave. He always kept me waiting. I didn't understand it then. I get it now. My ex did all of these things. ☹️
My husband is never respectful of others time. I began telling him earlier then the true time so he can play his games and I won’t stress out.
My ex treated me like a chauffeur. Except I never got tipped. 😄
My narcissistic family and other narcissists I have encountered do this to me all the time.
I realize they offer help on important tasks only to abandon you because they WANT you to be stressed out, do poorly and fail, so their implication that you aren’t valuable and are lucky to have them seems validated by the ‘evidence’ they create in destroying your successes and self esteem
I learned to fake the time I or the narc needed to be somewhere. For example if the appointment was for 2:00, I would say it was for 1:30. Worked like a charm, and we would arrive at 2:00 😀
Every single trait you described fits my former best friend perfectly. I'm so glad to see someone else who sees the same exact things. One key thing that they do is to isolate everyone from each other, so we all can't compare notes (on the narcissist). That's one of their biggest fears.
Another side motive is that they don't want others to see how you're really being treated and spoken to by them (including all of the gaslighting). They don't want others to see how they operate with you, when it's just the two of you together. That would seriously conflict with how they present you and your relationship to them, because it's all suppose to be on you, and not the narcissist.
Well said!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Yes! I have a mother like this who would do this to me and my two sisters. She’d always talk badly about them to me and say, “just don’t tell them”. I can only imagine what she says about me behind my back. Thank god she lives in a different country and I’m able to grey rock her now. I also had a close friend like that, who’d exclude me from everything - I ghost her now and she started love bombing me, which is just so surreal.
I see you know my sister in law
I cant believe how true this is; i had a narcissistic abuser ex best friend who isolated me from her other friends and ex friends. I became close friends with one of her ex friends and our stories lined up and i couldnt believe all the missing pieces coming together, it finally became clear!!
Me too. It was a slow burn until one day I looked around and all the other friends were gone and this ex-friend was deeply infiltrated into my life.
The sht mine pulled honestly it’s exhausting even to write it out it was so underhanded and childish. I’m just glad to be free of intentionally sabotaging passive aggressive a-words! People who get offended by very reasonable boundaries simply aren’t allowed in my life anymore and wow has peace been so much easier to achieve because of it!
Exactly ! You put a finger on why I don't share my story with many people. It's just too exhausting and it makes my head spin
@@hippiecowgirl4231 not to mention having to constantly explain details til they “get it” is what the a-word’s strategy was in the first place! Either people believe I’m a reasonable person in a fkd up situation or they don’t. I’m done trying to convince anyone 😝
@@private755 this is how I feel. I am done telling others about who he really is cause guess what??? They don’t live with him so they will never know the truth the way I do, they can’t help me get free from him anyway due to the “‘til death due you part” vows I took almost 17 years ago, and after telling them I’m still back where I started-with. Him.
Truthfully, no one understands if they have not experienced it. It’s difficult to explain to some people that what they are seeing is not who a person truly is and it usually sets us up for being further looked at as being the crazy ones. The narcs have this uncanning ability to fool everyone it seems. More people than not tend to believe them. I’ve come to realize that I should just discover healthy people outside of what I am dealing with from day-to-day. Don’t bad mouth him or defend myself against what he tells others cause those that choose to believe him at whatever he says have just proven where they truly stand (thanks for letting me know-I understand completely now). Keep on keeping on with joy and as much peace as possible cause the narcs and their monkeys are banking on us not being able to do so!
When I tell you that I don’t have a single person on this Earth in my corner, I mean just that BUT I will not stoop to the narcs’ level. I’ve got work to do such as spread the love of Christ and pray for others going through this very situation (including myself). Some days are better than others but buckle down and pick up that cross, Solider!
It's crazy when you write it out and your like if a friend was telling you this you would tell them they deserve better but for myself ...why can't I say same thing
@@1980shameka I am in your corner ! Praying for you now . Be strong !
Looking back my sister ticks every box you’ve just described. She has used every one of those tactics. I went no contact 3 months ago as it’s impossible to have a sensible conversation with her. Life is much more peaceful but it is heartbreaking that she is so internally damaged.
Hopefully you’ll figure something out with your sister - they rarely if ever change. …. You are your number one priority!! Take really good care of yourself.
Sometimes your birth family isn't your true family. I left mine long ago. No regrets.
A tactic I've experienced is that they cowardly use their flying monkeys to confront you on their behalf.
My narc sisters never include me. They go on vacations together with other family or friends, but I never get an invitation. Once my two sisters went to a bar not two miles from where I live, but never asked me to go along. It used to really hurt my feelings, but I'm no contact now and trying to build a better life.
My mom and sister banded together and treated me that way all of my life. It used to be very painful; I felt flawed. Now that I'm older I couldn't care less. They are both abusive, awful, criminal people by any standard. My mother died recently and I felt nothing. I'm not in touch with the sister at all. Remember, they are avoiding you because you are a decent person and they are not.
saw this sign/pic on yt: *"some people aren't speaking to you because they OWE you an apology"*
headline was *"shout out to all the women [everyone] healing from things no one ever apologized to them for"*
@@Elizabeth-yg2mg thx Elizabeth, I wish you well.
@@lifewithapurpose237 thx 👍
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I’m in the same boat with a Narc Mom and sister. They trash everyone in the family behind our backs. I also lost my biggest friend group because of a smear campaign by one person who was a member before I was. It hurts a heck of a lot to be excluded especially when we have a primordial need to belong. Give yourself a pat on the back every day for loving yourself and adding unconditional love and wisdom to the collective. I can tell your super cool and it’s definitely their loss !! 💯🙏🏽💟
Six months driving on failing brakes when he’s a mechanic- and he always denounces how expensive brake repair places are. Asked repeatedly to have him look at/fix my brakes, was having to use emergency brake to stop a half ton truck. Meanwhile, his car(s) are all in top mechanical shape, always. He finally fixes my brakes when it’s extremely dangerous for me to drive our son to school- and then he says that I never said anything, berates me for not knowing how bad my brakes were. Also throws in that he “always” helps me, and I’m so ungrateful.
You very clearly need another mechanic this borders on premeditation.
Typical evil narcissist. Get away - once you know you go. They will never change if anything they will get worse.
Take it in and pay for it for safety’s sake. Don’t fall for the bullying. Then when he asks you about paying just innocently say that you didn’t think he had time and it had to be done. Causes and effect facts help a lot in dealing with a narc. He’ll learn that if he doesn’t help you it’ll cost.
Just take your car to another mechanic
This is exactly what I have experienced with some family members. It's as though appearances are much more important than substance. They also will ignore us in front of others to influence others to believe something is wrong with us. They influence others against us without saying a word, looks on their face that show disapproval, and paying attention to everyone else in front of us while ignoring us, They use these covert means more than they use words. They also will arrange things with friends and make sure we know they did it without us. They are covert because they want the ability to deny what they do making us look like the crazy one.
This is true and what I’ve learned from this is to have your own set of healthy friends-away from the narc and everyone they hangout with. Don’t hang out with the narc and “their friends” (flying monkeys) on any level. It saddens me since I am dealing with a narc that is my spouse because this means I will never be able to have a loving, healthy, fruitful, caring, and compassionate marriage that I soo desired and that I wanted my children to see and experience. It means I’ll never be able to serve the Lord WITH my spouse and win souls for the kingdom of God WITH my spouse cause he doesn’t know the Lord (even though he insists that he does). It means soooo much but I am in the acceptance part of this now but I also feel the most agony for my three children.
Narcissists are excellent at acting. They get people by their charm and performance. It can leave you confused because they are so innocent in playing victim and pointing you as the abuser. Don't fall for it!💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
So true, hang in there, Love Anna.❤️
Covert narcissist can be that way. A lot of parents and grandparents, pastor's, church members, teachers, romantic partners, and whoever else can be that way. Getting healed, and acknowledging your own issues in the situation can and do help. What often destroy most people is then choosing to have the pity party victim mentality behavior. That is what can and will destroy you the most. We are not to be pessimistic or cynical, but learn to use GODLY wisdom, insight, and perspective. HE will and can tell you if someone is right for you or not, or if they have your best interest.
Well said.
I used to call my moms compliments “compliments but…” always a weird twist at the end of the compliment. 48 years and I finally figured out my moms a covert narc and my oldest sister is a grandiose narc. And of course I’m the empath. Thanks for your videos. They’ve helped me tremendously!
Once you see it you can't unsee it.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I agree and think it's also unforgetable for many of us, I would say. Even after many years of radical acceptance, radical forgiveness, and even radical serenity and peace. And, perhaps because we absolutely do understand what we are experiencing in the moment in their presence, we are able to see them way more clearly, have some compassion for them and can more readily choose to not engage, especially when they are being unreasonable, again. We can more readily decide to simply not go there! To not give in to their epic and highly aggressive demands for even more supply. 🕊
Empaths are awesome! 😊
I, too, am just beginning to realize the same. I, too, am an empath. So sorry we are in the same boat!
Get away my mom to uck her live your life
The tardiness is a way of letting you know if you were really important, you’d be on time. My husband can be on time or early for work (every day) church, business meetings, working out, social outings, but can’t make it home to dinner
I’m sure it’s your fault if you ask him why.
I actually enjoy the silent treatment. I get to have some time alone and do whatever I want in peace. 30 years in and just finding out why my life has been so challenging. Thanks for the video. Knowledge is Power. 🎉
Thank you so much for this Dr C, I recently cut contact with a covert narcissist whose abuse was so subtle and disguised I am still thinking maybe I got it wrong. Videos like this make it absolutely clear. No I did not!
You can usually trust your own instincts and how you want to be treated is valid.
You're not alone Jayne, I understand what you have experienced because I've experienced it too.
@@melw3313 I get it. I've been divorced now 3 years from my ex and just now recovering my stamina and health after 31 years of crazy making. But there is life after their insanity when we just leave and move on.
@@melw3313 yes they are and the damage they cause takes effort to heal from. They can take away your will to live.
You are so blessed you got out in time. Well done.
I cannot leave. We're both on fixed incomes so together there's a roof to live under. Up until last year I really did think it was all my fault. Slowly gaining perspective and being able to pick myself up and live to the best of my ability, not engaging in the games, and keep moving forward towards peace in my heart. Wishing all peace, when and where you can find it ☮️
I've got one, they'll tell you something that you can or don't have to do, and then after a while they start getting upset about doing the thing that they told you you didn't have to do. For me, I always liked to wash my own dishes, and when I got with the narc, it became a thing where they were like "no no it's okay I can wash your dishes". Then after a few months it became "I don't want to wash your dishes anymore, you do them" after a long time of me having to ask them to let me do my dishes myself, and they acted like I was being rude, whether I asked to wash my own dishes or let them, and even when I started cleaning them myself again the complaint then became "you use so many more dishes than us", so basically I'm supposed to feel bad for existing and needing to eat and having a job that I work 12 hours at so I can't just wash my dishes immediately all the time. Narcs sure do see themselves as the arbiters of what's good
OMG I can relate to ALL of these 12 tactics.... it's become almost pervasive in work, social and family situations...my most experience is within the family.....I'm starting to hate all people!!
That’s why it’s important that we distance ourselves from narcissists and find a healthy community. I had to leave my entire family and most “friends” behind, and the grief and sadness is strong… but I’m finally working on my own life, and slowly finding people who are actually mutually supportive and empathetic, and it’s the best feeling in the world 💙 all the best to you!
@@melw3313 thank you for your kind words! :) I hope you’re doing well too 💙
Thank you Dr C. When anger or dismissal doesn't work for them, they can suddenly become the hurt child that needs you to do stuff for them and make you feel guilty.
Did I mention that narcissists are master manipulators? Whatever works.
I knew someone like this who would offer to do things when I was in desperate need, such as offering to babysit for the weekend so I could study for finals saying she would arrive Friday night, then Friday she would provide an excuse for why she would actually come first thing Saturday morning so I could head to the library. Then Saturday morning would come and by 10 or 11 she’d have a car issue or a health issue or some other reason she could not come till later, and although this was a pattern of course I would be ungrateful because after all she was doing me a favor (even when I offered to pay). I now see how manipulative it was-always offering to do favors then flaking out or procrastinating.
I love how the dog is just snoozing on the couch, without a care in the world😃
The most hurtful and dishonest behavior for me was always the cold shoulder. It meant that my feelings were irrelevant, that he was punishing and controlling me, that love was a weapon and a weakness and that he did not respect me in any way. He actually told me that it was "the only way to teach me a lesson."
They are everything abominable & wicked.
They subvert & undermine all that is legit...honorable...peaceful...harmonious...!!!
I have recently realized that my whole life was being gaslit by this covert perpetrator.
The Anguish is very severe & difficult to work through. I will get to the otherside of this and live my life again in full bloom. All that you have talked about today I have experienced in real time. To all the people working through this do not give up or give into defeat. These people were out to destroy the beauty that we really do possess. Remember that today....they wanted to give you their ugliness and steal your true self. God will help us get through this insidious hellacious abuse. My heart goes out to all who have encountered the devil in these people. I stand by that statement fully...& will not be gaslit...!! Truly Thank you Dr. C...YOUR VIDEOS ARE SO VERY HELPFUL & ENCOURAGING.
Dear Dr. Les Carter, I found out your videos a month ago. Since then you've been a blessing! I suppose that "Passive Aggressive Tactics" is the deep aim of these controversial personalities. All my gratitude to awareness and the truly good help you're bringing us. You're healing wounds. God bless you forever!
So pleased! Stick around. I'm pleased to be on the path with you!
Reguengos de Monsaraz 😊 Don’t miss Dr Carter’s ☀️ vast collection of videos, and now pod casts, easily available. (Sorry to sound like a commercial but I’ve been listening for quite a while and I’m still not caught up. ☮️
@@Teacher369 Gratitude!
💚 🌟 💚
Dr Les really explains narcissistic behavior better than others!
These people are textbook! I experienced all these tactics. Their lack of communication and lack of accountability is ridiculous. Toddlers in an adult body is what they are!
@@k80.82 so true.
The sighs from them argh. Talking under their breath but when asked “pardon, what are you saying”, “oh nothing” or explosion of aggression. Constantly doing this yet will often say they hate people talking under their breath/behind backs. As a punctual person I really hate the constantly being late, the rudeness of it, out the door with minutes to spare then ‘forgetting’ something, back inside, dawdling. I was asked recently “why are you so calm” which clearly was irritating him.
This describes my oldest sister perfectly. I cut off all communication from her 4 years ago, and my life has been so much better.
I listened to this twice today.
I’ve been married 35 years and every single thing you’ve stated is exactly what my husband has done over the years.
I am so exhausted & fighting depression. I’m so tired of always being portrayed as the problem. He is ALWAYS the victim. ALWAYS!
I’m tired of feeling like I’m going crazy and questioning my actions or feeling guilty over something that has nothing to do with me.
I have to get out of this marriage before I crater.
Thank you for this video!
If you're able to escape, you'll find a peace that you have never known. Good luck.
Me too, married 30 years and it's been bad for at least eight years. I have a year or two left on my sentence before I start getting Social Security, then I can escape but it will take half my check to rent a small apartment. Worth it, though!
My husband, a clergyman, has experienced all these behaviors and then some from the church organist, who is a pillar of the church and community. He made the mistake of requesting different/new music, and she is not a person that has ever done anything different in her 40+ years there as the music director. It’s a difficult situation, because she has gathered all her flying monkeys/supply (other church pillars) to her dark side in recent years. We appreciate all your advice for how to deal with this type of passive-aggressive narcissism.
Old folks like that are in charge of Dying churches everywhere......Change or Die......the new young folks can't relate to the old stuff.
@@sirtedricwalker2979 I agree with you! They hired my husband to bring in news ways and to make changes, but the old church pillars (who are all toxic) have resisted and worked against anything he has suggested or tried to change all along, which has been confusing and crazy to deal with.
@@kristischark5590 I know the comment section us a couple months old but do you have an update on things?
@@redzin8818 Thanks for asking! There’s nothing that will ever change about these people. It’s a very toxic dynamic. But my husband is retiring at the end of the month, so he will be shaking the dust off his shoes as he leaves. 😊
@@kristischark5590 Sometimes God sends people to places and they reject His Spirit instead of yielding to Him. Happens all the time, but unfortunately people like you and your husband receive the brunt of their anger. People might think they've had the last word, but its actually God who has it.
The seeds you planted, were meant for someone there. 🌱🕊
My ex-husband was a controller. He would never let me stay home when he wanted to go the his family's cabin up north. However when we got to the cabin. He would get on his 4 wheeler with his cousins and leave me alone at the cabin. 20 years of this behavior. I am free of him and safe.
My ex husband is a 12 of 12. I am devorced for 14 years and I still feel 🤮🤮🤮, if I hear what you say. I survived! 💪🏼👍🏼
I grew up with abusive parents. My brother is a narcissist. My boyfriends were abusive as was one of my bosses. When I went to my partners family about the abuse my son was facing from their family member, I was told, "You say everyone is abusive." Yes, because they were. I still feel the shame from that comment. That is when I learned that there are different types of narcissists in families and sometimes to survive they cover for each other.
I try to remind myself that ultimately they are cowards because they refuse to deal with their issues, but we are NOT!!!
toxic is toxic, and if they deny the abuse, they are part of the problem. Glad you stand up for boundaries and better behavior.
Thank you for this excellent video. You have perfectly described someone I
know. I love how you said, ' Yes, I know I don't measure up, and I'm ok with that.' I'm comfortable with myself and I will focus on my good conduct and my inherent worth.
Go Team Healthy !
I've come to the conclusion that anyone you meet/deal with who regards all your interactions as "transactions" and they keep score you have a narcisst there. Run.
This will be so helpful to those that don't recognize this cowardly behavior for what it is-aggression but also a BAITING tactic.
Spot on with the lifestyle sabotage: Example- You tell the narcissist you need to leave by 9:30 at the latest, they get dressed as slowly as possible and the two of you walk out of the door at 9:29, when you get to the car, suddenly the narc realizes that they "forgot" their phone/wallet. They walk as slowly as they can back to get it and back to the car and also use the restroom while they are at it. By the time they get back to the car it is 9:38. Now, as they are driving, they are driving ridiculously slow-15 mph in a 35 mph zone and also start stopping at green/yellow lights (I kid you not).
Another example is them conveniently forgetting something that you want them to bring home or purposely, repeatedly getting your order wrong when they are bringing home food. Example: You give them a list of FOUR things to bring back from the store and somehow they "accidentally" come home with only three because they got "distracted" somehow.
There are ways to thwart these sabotage attempts but it is revolting to see them in action, nonetheless.
I'd just trick them and tell them the latest is 8:30 or 9:00 - Ha then they maybe on time!!
@@lindtwhite Yep, setting an earlier leave time is one of the ways. 😊
Exactly, no regard for your time. Vague about what time something is or when it will end.
@@kirstenshindler7767 Yes, and have you ever experienced them saying they are going to go somewhere that is five minutes away and yet they come back 1 1/2-2 hours later (especially when you need them at home for a specific reason)? I used to call but now that I see it for the baiting tactic that it is, I just ignore it.
😂😂 my oldest brother to a tee! I never rely on him anymore I rent a car when I visit. Especially The driving 15 miles an hour down 30 mile an hour street! Been there, feeling embarrassed for the people whoever is following him I would want to like ram into him.! I need to get to the airport I’d like to be early… oh OK. (Ugh) I would end up lying about what time my flight is just to make sure I would get there without stressing out.
Also,Putting on the cruise control in busy traffic and then starting to swerve in and out of lanes instead of hitting the brakes and driving normally. Last but not least… Letting the gas get down to almost empty, driving miles from home, late on a Sunday night in a non urban area.
Dr C said 'at times the may act as if you are just non existent' - I experienced exactly that for years. I was completley baffled, as we had three children together and would have looked to outsiders as if we were living an ordinary married life. it is the worst feeling...
Gus is on a roll with napping on his blanket. This tactics list is gold! I'm very thankful for all the information about covert narcissist behavior patterns; my "detection manual" keeps getting better and better. Running underneath all these tactics, I see an unwillingness to take personal responsibility for their actions. As Dr. Carter says in another video, if you see that, it's narcissism, guaranteed.
Gus must find narcissists boring!
@@acustomer7216 😆😆😆
@@acustomer7216 😅😅😅He does!
Thanks, Noel!
"Detection manual"....great descriptor!
Everything you explain, I can pinpoint it even from years ago. If only I knew this stuff back then, because when you don’t know this stuff, that’s when you really end up under water ☹️
WOW! This whole time I just called my ex-husband a chameleon.... I had no idea I was dealing with a passive aggressive covert narcissist! It's good to have an actual name for it, I just thought I was losing my mind!
He has all 12 of these. And now, I'm free of them! Thank God!
This channel was sent to me by my guardian angels because I have been MARRIED TO THIS TYPE OF MAN for 22 yrs. Almost half my LIFE & have FINALLY REALIZED 100% that it is NOT BECAUSE OF ME that our marriage is breaking up, sadly. I knew for the past 5 years when he started to REALLY display all these MAJOR COVERT narcissistic behaviors that there was something wrong with HIM even tho he tried to constantly put the blame on ME, making me feel CRAZY and FRUSTRATED beyond belief. He is not only covert , he is a sociopathic type which is why he has had no problem making my autoimmune diaeases , depression & pain problems WORSE, instead of helping me get better.I'm stunned that there are people like this and I'm very very sad that the majority can't change. I'm so thankful that I've never taken all his criticism's to heart & know who I AM. What bothered me the most is that all I've ever wanted was to feel loved , honored & cherished and he KNOWS how badly I've always wanted to get this from him. Its the only thing I've ever asked of him...now I know why..I was right all along when I told him " u don't treat someone u love the way YOU TREAT ME" . his answer was that I need MORE love then a normal person!!! That I'm different and ask way too much from him (emotionally)! Sadly, I grew up without having loving /nurturing parents and had a covert narcassist for a mom..to make things even worse, I have come to realize I am an empath & sensitive to all my surroundings. This type of person is the most TOXIC 4 me & now I know why he ignores all my crying & pleas for change from him. It all makes perfect sense now. Today is a sad day 4 me..but even a sad day is a happy day for me because I am ALIVE & still able to make a difference in the world. Is it a waste of My time & energy if he wants to go to a marriage councelor? Dr. Thank u for your guidance. I will be visiting your website this afternoon ! Peacen❤2all
I actually like the silent treatment. it gives me peace. And now I realize I really do not care. Be wary of the nice treatment from the narcissist, they are setting you up to be vulnerable with them and then use it against you. They never stop putting you down. But they measure it out .
I ran into one recently who went beyond the silent treatment / stonewalling / disdainful garbage and indulged in low key vandalism as a combo of vengeance and gaslighting. We were boarding horses at the same facility and she would take fly masks off other peoples horses and throw them in the stalls to get them messed up, pull the lids off of other people's feed barrels, unlock stalls, etc. Of course she was super sneaky about it, just getting off on causing chaos and confusion. Until we caught her and kicked her out!
When you catch a covert narcissist you have to kick them out because clearly they're not right in the head & will lie & deceive even with solid evidence of their horrible behaviour .Feed kept going missing at the stables so the owner installed CCTV surveillance & when the camera's got footage of the woman doing it even with crystal clear images of it being her she still feigned the victim & denied any theft or wrongdoing. The funny thing is that when she was kicked out no further feed theft occurred. Horses are like children, they're defenceless & depend on us to protect them & keep them safe, so we can't reasonably allow a harmful person like a narcissist near them.
This is exactly my My Mum. Thanks DrC for confirming what I’ve gone through most off my life till now with My Mum and her moods.I’m not crazy woohoo
God Bless you and your family and all others watching too in the same situation lots off healing love to you all too.
Thank goodness for these videos eh!
I felt crazy for so long!
❤️
My Mom too. I can't not see it now. It's like the Matrix movie when Neo sees the code (the green numbers/letters raining down). EVERYTHING she says/does is to serve her agenda. She doesn't give a second thought to the emotional damages in her wake. I just spend 5 DAYS with her and siblings and family. I was ready (best I could be), others "played their parts". They were her unsuspecting pawns and abused victims. It was soul sucking before my eyes.Tge pain expressed to me when she wasn't in the room came from everyone. I listened then asked them to research covert narcissist and told them they weren't crazy and their pain was real. Told them to be ready, once you see it clearly you can't un see what our mother is.
Hi Gus! 🤗 Thanks Dr. Carter, my now-ex did 10 of the 12 regularly for 9 years. The silent treatment was the worst. He would say "I'm not giving you the silent treatment, I just need to withdraw for a while" but it always happened right after I wanted to talk to him about problems in the relationship. Total avoidance. Either that or he'd push my buttons to the point where I would get upset, then tell me that I had no control over my emotions and he refuses to talk to me when I'm "like that"...gaslighting right? I'm learning; and learning brings healing! I've been following your channel for years and finally got the courage to walk away last month. The clarity that being removed from the constant menacing atmosphere living with him is astounding. Thanks again.
So so true you got it spot on. I’m cutting my aunt out of my life because of this passive aggressive behavior. She makes so many digs and comments and if you confront her about it she says she isn’t mean to anyone , and she’s joking ? But she’s very judgmental and mean about everyone lol
She gets upset if I don’t text her constantly , if I have good things going for me , she doesn’t want boundaries between us it’s strange . She’s 71 and gotten a lot worse recently
My ex did all of these things. I learned the 'game' and playing or resisting it just ground me down. Once I just stopped trying he moved on and I see that he lived to provoke a reaction, drama and chaos
Love that…” I’m gonna be GOOD with ME!” Love myself… skip off and be JOYFUL… who cares what they think or say!
i am watching these videos daily, i'm dealing with a narcissist that hides it to other people so well, that i think i might be going crazy somedays. But after every video, this person ticks every single one of these trait boxes. i try to keep my distance and not dirty my hands with this person, but even THAT gets me into drama. these videos are all that is keeping me sane and focusing on the bigger picture. i hate that they make life so chaotic, especially being an introvert i cannot cope with this rollercoaster anymore, i just want to be left alone at this point.
Stay strong, I’m in the same situation, we can do it together! Keep the no contact as best you can ✊
Hang in there, was in the exact same place as you. Dr C has a great video about going low contact when no contact is not a practical option in your lifestyle. It is a life saver. And remember, cling to the fact that You Are Not the Crazy One!
I’m dealing with it too and really appreciate your comment. It requires a lot of strength and endurance dealing with these ppl. It’s practice and sparring for the spiritual black belt, which all who understand this probably have to get, to get through this! Self care and focusing on light/God, and goodness, and staying very active, busy and engaged, and spending time in nature, eating healthy, etc, help, but it’s not easy. Dr. Cs vids have been A LIFE SAVER, seriously!!! This is because these ppl seek to normalize their behavior, by continuing to play gaslighting, blame shifting, triangulation, or whatever cruel game they play. Thank goodness Dr. C has shown so many what we’re dealing with here. It’s a service to humanity and many ppl who are suffering and not understanding the monster. It’s truly not okay. I understand and commiserate. Good luck with it. (And thank you Dr. Carter!!!! You help so many ppl who have been so alone in this. Bless you.)
You just cannot do more than gradually move away from those people and onto more healthy relationships. Good luck.
Im dealing with it to ten yrs two kids I now know that I have c-ptsd from it mine can only go a couple of days before he has to pick at me about the dumbest things I ever heard the only person he can't seem to take away from me is sister it drives him nuts he managed to take away all of my friends but not my sister he hates that I tell her what's going on his famous line is there is 2 side to every story I made the mistake of calling him a narcissistic so of course he call me one back.
JUST REMEMBER WE HAVE TOOLS. KEEP GROWING. Thank you Dr. CARTER FOR YOUR EXPERTISE EVERDAY. 🌻🦋❤️
My big brother James was a champion covert narcissist. I mean he took it to the gold medal status. He pulled all of this stuff on me and more. The sad thing is I was so naive and was a truly tormented soul trying to understand what was going on. I am much the wiser now and I “get it” thanks to Dr C. I’m so grateful for healing power of knowledge. 🤩
Another element to #6 (smear campaign) is that these people will mumble unkind words under their breath, just loud enough for you to hear them, but when you ask them to speak up, they suddenly say, "oh, nothing." My sister was great for this: her passive-aggressive tactic was to say really rude things just loud enough to be heard. Unfortunately, I never called her out. I wish I would have said, "if you have something to say, say it to my face, otherwise STFU."
Describes my marriage. Wish I had been less patient - however I did discover the value of self-love and I'm out of there now.
Teaching sessions: sharing their great wisdom, life experience, and advice of what is "the right thing" to do in a given situation. Usually, its a common-place scenario, for example: a friend calls after their car broke down nearby, or has a flat tire, etc. OF COURSE a person would help, in any number of ways! There is no need for a condescending, sit-down discussion to teach me how a "good" person would respond. What they're saying is, "I dont believe you know 'this,' so I must teach you."
toward the end of *'live chat'* jenniferA asked "what is worst cigarette addiction or narc addiction?" my response, both lead to an *early grave*
That's pathetic 🤣 how you out here addicted to narCs. Now I see what ppl mean they say "others don't understand " 😶
Recently got hit with several of these behaviors. Rather than even bothering I just deleted from all social media and blocked. Not worth my time. Guess I’m growing, because in the past I would be so inward focused “what did I do”, not anymore. It’s a good place to be!
A song for narcissists. ‘Walking on eggshells’. I’m walking on eggshells and don’t it feel bad. I can definitely relate to being left out of activities & the silent treatment. The narc is very slippery & at times very evil. Thanks for another helpful video Doc.
"Go find a brick wall and bang your head against that." LOL! I love it! I can't tell you how much your content has help me, Dr. Carter.
Thanks...hope you can stay away from the brick wall!!
I prefer the term SNEAKY AGGRESSIVE because that's what it is.
That is a more accurate term for it!
I like Assive Progressive
I have a family member who is a covert narcissist of whom married into the family. This person attempts continually to cause discord in my family. Does not consider our family's traditions and completely ignores any of our expressed desires to celebrate the normal traditional milestones of life such birthdays, baby showers, and wedding receptions. Yet wants our family to acknowledge all of their traditions. This person from the moment I met them has made digs on my level of education, having an opinion about party's I've thrown (implied I didn't do well running my large party), having an opinion about so many things, so not sure if this person is a covert but they really seem to be.
I wish these how to i.d. a narcissistic person didn't always explain things on a romantically involved slant. You do that in this video, however a ton of videos do.
You did a great job in this video and I really enjoyed it. THANKS FOR YOUR PASSION TO HELP!
listening again, so much truth. how about this? - you work your ass off on a project, you do 98% of the work, he does 1%, and other people do 1%. at the end he says "Thanks for your help."
That's an eye roller.
Dr C you’re so spot on I always felt like walking on eggshells around her . She is so fake but nobody sees it .Blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life when she’s the one who chose to do them . I m glad I went no contact,my sanity means more . Blessings to you for your guidance and kindness to keep us in the right path.
Ugh, how they play the victim…
Ditched a “friend” that said sorry to me, but it was my fault because I was the one being rude to him.
My dog was dying. He kept texting me for attention. I told him I was in a crisis with the doggo dying and could not reply any further. He screams for attention to ONE-UP MY DYING DOG, saying he’ll commit suicide.
Summoning every fibre of rational that I could, I reply to him that I can’t help him right now and to call the crisis line or talk to his dad or brother. Then turned my phone off.
My dog died 10 mins later as I held her.
He does the 180 and emails and DMs me later saying “sorry”.
Blocked the narcissistic idiot since then.
That’s really messed up. I’ve wondered, do narcissists always threaten suicide for attention or to get an ex back in their life?
My daughter's N ex called her sister and said he was going to kill himself. The sister called the police who found him dancing round his kitchen doing laundry. He never tried that one again.
That was so awful of them. I'm sorry for your loss, too💔💔💔 They have little to no Emotional Intelligence. An old friend said to me when I saw her at a store and told her my dear brother was just, sent home to be in hospice, "I'm sorry. Do you know where I can buy short sleeve dress shirts for (husband)?" and I was stunned and I was thinking, "This does not compute." Yeah, you know what people you will have an emotional, healthy, mutual connection with and ones who no longer work.
@@Dj.D25 I would say so, no matter how irrational it is...because they must feed off their supply and will do the most b@t-shit craziest thing to hold onto us (their supply). We should absolutely take suicide seriously, but it is not our responsibility to save them either (and the world, for that matter). If we cannot give support right now, then re-direct to other support (call Crisis line, reach out to someone else, etc.) Oxygen mask rule: put your own on first, and then help the person next to you.
Right on. Happening to me- the narc ex did a number on my kids. Silent Treatment was his specialty and now, alas, it’s in my kids. I’m out of the matrix- and still hopeful that my kids/ grands will get out eventually. Hope or hopeless? Passive aggressive “ vulnerable “ narc- now an old man getting sympathy by bad mouthing me. 😢 I’m moving forward- with non attachment.🙏🏼
Thank you for all the insight you share to help the healing, Dr. C! Especially in the case of the Passive Aggressive Covert Narcissists, but in all of these talks, I think it's soooo important though to always share how seemingly wonderful they can be as well. Anyone watching this just learning about it would likely say "I wouldn't put up with that!", or "why don't the targets just leave them??", placing the blame on the person who sticks around them with any hope of a life balance that the PACN feigns interest in too. Most people wouldn't get caught up in their web if not for the extreme charm, "love", and (controlled) generosity that they're exceedingly capable of showing within long periods of time. They are highly manipulative predators, who can be very lovely people when they want to be. I don't think that can be overstated when speaking of the covert and vulnerable narcs. That's one of the things that leaves the victim targets so lonely in their quest for healing among friends or associates who don't face the same up and down rollercoaster wrath from the narc. Sometimes nobody understands what you've been through with this person. In fact, the narc will go overboard with kindness to everyone around you proving *you, the target* are the only problem. Often, the target , knowing all that they've experienced, has to watch as the whole world around them worships the PACN. It can be mind-altering and so damaging to ones reality.
It really is a constant mind control game to them once they have you, and some of them make it their priority to be good at that very intoxicating and confusing rollercoaster tactic of love bombing deception that serves to completely confuse the target in an ongoing way because this is someone the target sympathizes with and may truly love and care for. They play the victim constantly and act like a person who needs your input as a partner to complain to for understanding or help, but then gets mad at you and calls you bossy or demanding for involving yourself and showing normal relational care. The PACN are totally capable of being nice to you, but are more often overly attentive to outsiders, leaving you questioning your role in how they treat you (it must be your fault just as they've inferred constantly). They can break you down so far with gaslighting that you really do start to question reality and experience a constant shifting of the ground under your feet having zero stability. They leave you desperately trying to appease them so you can make sense of or straighten out what has happened, knowing they're sure it's all your fault and have likely told everyone closest to them how maddening you are, and the people believe them because they (as the flying monkeys) have never dealt with that ugly passive aggressive attacking side. It can be so subtle they can do it right in front of others, knowing your response if any will just look nuts. It's so hard to be an empathetic person who truly cares and is willing to carry some weight with these individuals, because they just unload it all on you and carry no responsibility at all. It can be so subtle, but brutal. I hope their seemingly positive attributes can be included within all these discussions so that the targets might get more understanding for themselves of the duping that takes place. Also, maybe including that will help their friends, who they're maybe sharing these videos with, then understand what they've been through and why they stayed desperately trying to fix what they never broke. The scariest most damaging people really can be disguised as the most wonderful sometimes. Thank you for helping us, Dr.C!!! Your voice of reason has been a lifesaver for me and I'm sure so many others.
Thanks for sharing all this!
I can tell You suffered a lot… hope You are better now. Know that you are not alone 💛
Wow! I totally agree with what you've written ~ can relate to all the behaviors & other parts of it too. (sadly) I have been watching & learning from Dr. C. & these videos [I call them classes] for about 4yrs now, I think.
I did NOT start watching them to learn about my husband & the major changes in his attitude & behaviors, that were the opposite of person I'd known & loved since I was 20. For me, it was a "refresher course" in this 1 part of psych class, so I could understand a friend I had for a few yrs...& also to better anticipate the actions of then-president. Had no doubt he was Overtly a Narcissist ~ nothing subtle about that guy! Had been yrs since Psych student, so wanted a refresher & updated info (we're learning new things about our brains/minds - biology & psych stuff - & how they work (or don't).🧐
I began watching these vids almost as a lark, to better predict reactions & behaviors of 2 people I felt certain were narcis.
I like learning & loved Psych class, how minds (dys-) function & possible whys intrigues me. (Can't figure my own stuff out.) It's not like I have to live with a narcissist. "Whew!"
LOLOL
A few classes in, got the shock of my life!! I am married to a covert narci ~ THAT'S what had changed so much, after all these years! He was always shy, quiet, honest, humble & just a great guy; we communicated well! Is passive-aggressive tho, afraid to speak up with most people. Knew that. Best friend I ever had, for 12yrs, platonic roommates for 9 of them.
I noticed changes later on, but narcissist? Honestly, didn't cross my mind...until 1 day I will NEVER forget ~ 1 of these classes early on! I just kept saying, "No!" & "No way!"...Out loud, over & over again. I was in my room, but guess it was loud enuff that husband asked what was all that noise? Still digesting all I learned that day, I said nothing. Next week, was back in class, as weeks turned into years. I had the perfect test subject right there at home! Have told him since then & few other tidbits get passed along to him, if frustrated enuff.😏 He is, for sure, a Covert Narcissist! And there's many more out there. Now, if I look, can see the signs. Have gone thru all the stages of grief, at least once. Only wish I'd learned all this much sooner. Now, I read comments like yours & totally get it. 1 thing psych classes never taught, but Dr. C does, is how to deal with it day to day. The whys & what fors; the how tos for keeping your sanity in midst of that person's crazy! I love Dr. C & the laid-back, wonderful Gus.
For me, it's a long, hard journey & a very late start. Between these vudeos & the comments section, I have learned a ton of things, 1st hand. And not done yet! I do have to take "mental vacations" every do often, or get too depressed about situation & suicide then becomes an option, my option at least. Have to avoid that. But, when feel stronger I come back to the education I didn't know I needed & ALMOST wish I didn't stumble upon that 1st time. Am still working on the "but why'd it happen?" ...& the "How to's" of my here & now. There's no one quite like Dr. C -- he is truly the best at this & I'm ever so thankful that he gives of himself to help others, like us!
Wrll, this was wuite a mini-novel! My apologies. Got away from me!
Lordy. This is my mother. She does all of these things. Every single one! She is totally unable to communicate and be direct or honest. She's a good little martyr.
I do a quite a few of them too. I'm glad to be aware of this now, so I can recognize it and STOP DOING IT. I'm ready to purge all this toxicity so I can be a person of peace. I'm done with the chaos.
Thank you, Dr. C!
Mea culpa too. I did some of these things to my late wife, and am sorry now.
haylenore Good on you for recognising your own unhealthy behaviours! I'm very aware of mine as well, so I'll keep working on them, until I'm perfect, which will never be the case. ❤
@@pianomaly9859 It's a good sign that you have empathy though and it's understandable that people who had traumatic childhoods learnt some unhealthy behaviours, even when not highly narcissistic. ❤
ALL of those. For such a long time… I see it now. I am not anymore going to be pulled in. I AM and always was a person of peace.
This sounds like a description of my workplace and the ppl in it. This would then also include me because I will not be their scapegoat. And toxicity is just plain and simply contagious. I do try to ignore and keep to myself as much as possible.
I remained in a similar situation for much of my career thinking I was strong enough to muscle through while focusing on the work. The pay and benefits and what they provided to me and my family were what We got out of it, but it took its toll over time. Take good care of yourself, and keep looking for a different job or circumstance that would be healthier for you to exist in. Best wishes.
That is the reason I am still there. I am hopeful for changes that time will inevitably bring. Thank you. @stimagnolia 💪💜
Its not that you dont measure up, its that they know you're a better ie more genuine person than them and they want to bring you down. Mother issues.
Yep! It's like you interviewed my ex and his mom for this!! 100% of points. Though he had some overt elements too.
Thank you for this. Been dealing with my addiction to these characters for 5 years. I still question myself, but your videos help immensely! My last “break,” currently in progress scored 12 of 12 according to this informative video.
4:27 here you just described a person with ADHD. I am forgetful, tardy, and have good intentions but terrible follow through. I live with shame over this.
@@Watchoutforsnakez yeah, but you recognize and acknowledge your behavior and probably apologize to other people when it impacts them.
@@hopediamond2902😂bruh what? Are you shaming this person for something they can’t control?
The asking question one hit the nail on the head for me. Just went through this with my fiancé’s mother about her meddling in what to do for our child. And all she kept asking was what brought this on, instead of answering the question about her meddling in our lives.
That’s exactly what they do, and in an arrogant, smug and entitled way. My mother is the same way. Repeatedly asked my husband and me why we decided to move away from the area she was in, even though we explained over and over that we wanted to be in warmer climate, away from the city, etc. It’s like she couldn’t accept that the decision had nothing to do with her, and how dare we just do something like that. She was outraged. These ppl have no concept of someone else’s right to privacy/ or having whatever life they decide. THey are possessive and aggressive about their views and right to know/do whatever they think is right at any time with no apology. Overthrowing everyone’s authority, sabotaging, undermining and scheming. Good that you set the boundary. Never give in to it, and I see it requires complete detachment and self care first for oneself and ones loved ones. These ppl/things/entities are terrrorists and want to come out crushing all, and they come out smelling like roses. Disgusting. Good luck with it.
Oh my goodness!!! THIS WAS SUPER HELPFUL and hard because I always pray he will change. Thank you for being there for all of us who NEED to hear these things. You help us to know that we aren’t crazy after all.
No, you're not crazy. Keep learning!!