Narcissists Who Feel Entitled To Control You
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 17 ก.พ. 2023
- A hallmark of healthy relationships is the willingness to allow each other the freedom to live and prioritize as we deem appropriate. But, as Dr. Les Carter describes, narcissists are very reluctant to let you experience free choice. Instead, they honestly believe they are so enlightened that they can and should control you.
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When it comes to their entitlement one of the things I cannot wrap my head around is they bully you, belittle you and generally hold you in contempt but they will then turn around and expect you to kiss their butt for it. They really expect you to be grateful and accept the way that they treat you. And if you don't then you're the one with the problem. If they do happen to tone down their actions and be more respectful towards you know it's all an act and temporary to draw you back in. Give it time and they will go right back to treating you like garbage.
Plus, they will resent you (retaliation) for "having to" be respectful for a period of time in order to manipulate you with it. That's one way it "gets worse". You'll notice, there was a "better" period, only to be followed by a worse than before period (resentful and retaliating) - which is mystifying indeed, as you wonder "what happened", until you see the pattern.
Very True in deed. Hope people on here realize what they are up against
So true!!! Spot on.
@Henry Just drop your entitled narcissist from your life and you will gradually be better off and gain back who YOU are. The narcissist DOES NOT CARE ! I HAVE SPENT A NUMBER OF MY PRECIOUS YEARS LEARNING TO DO THIS AND I HAVE SUCEEDED TOO. I 🙏🏼 you go NO CONTACT with your narcissist and their people TOO. IT'S A MUST.
Yes- the idealization, devaluation and eventual discard. The trick is to be able to limit contact or go no contact with these types. (No contact versus emotional cut off is a mature, non reactive way of reducing the toxicity). If you have to deal with these types there are some good vids by Dr. Carter to assist in the effort!
I can't imagine any narcissist not being controlling since they are paranoid and think others are trying to ruin their lives.
Yes, it's all tied together.
This sounds exactly like my adult son! He wants to control literally everything and everybody, and I realized he is paranoid and thinks I'm trying to ruin his life! Wow.
Almost all narcissist are controlling over other people. The game of a narcissist is power, control, being the center of the other persons world. Like a king or Queen every one else in the world is beneath them. And like the king in chess. It takes a lot to keep up or even know they are playing you until you're in so deep you don't know how this happened to you.
@movingforwardfco1587 You won't know what's going on till your in the middle, there very good at gathering people to play there parts,then there exposing you,which generally comes with a smear campaign with false ,or twisted narratives, there is no mistaking if a person is trying to destroy your life,if there calling jobs,or spreading disinformation so others will harass, that's trying to ruin your life,normally if someone doesn't like you,they stay away,that's what anyone should do,but not the narcissist.
It's hard NOT to retaliate. Even when you think you've mastered the art. They catch you off guard!
Hey Amanda ~ i get it.
It seems we are expected to be the perfect victim.
Their behavior may be harmful but not necessarily punishable ~ like when they use the kids to try and turn them against you.
It really hurts but there is no real recourse.
Retaliation just harms the kids and puts them in a sh*t storm.
We end up having to be the mature one ~ time and time again.
It's not fair ~ what can you do?
Cheers and I hope you have a great day despite the less than hospitable weather outside.
I'm really wanting🌻 spring🌷 to hurry up at this point.
Cabin fever on my end. Lol 💛
I find aboveboard ways to trigger consequences for their actions. Leave them in the care of their golden children as they age instead of stepping in to shoulder the load, turn in a lifelong tax cheat to the IRS, notify the DMV of a senile, dangerous driver. It also helps to improve the world a little.
They definitely keep trying to! Lol🙃
@@marieldavison5121 Even when they tell you to f*** off you're supposed to be 'well how would you like me to f*** off oh righteous one' lol 🤣
I agree. Roll on summer 🤗
@@amandaliverpool3374 🙂hugs right back at ya ~ it's true so true!
Whilst having a never ending list of dictats, orders, instructions & rules, he says " don't tell me what to do, ever!"
Exactly their attitude!! I think it is because of their past where they felt like having no control and are now ‘allergic’ to being out of control. For me it’s so hard to understand how they don’t see they are behaving exactly the same as the ones in their life when they were a child and KNOW how awful it is. But I guess that they are in constant survival mode and are ruthless just to save themselves?
The funny thing is that they will blame you for the argument, even though they started it.
Very little enraged the narcissist in my life more than when I told her, "I'm not answerable to you."
The only way I have found to deal with narcissists is simply to say NO, and just go on without bending to their demands. Just ignore them and move on. Work together with the people who are willing to be reciprocal and negotiate, and completely ostracize the narcissist.
This is hard to do, especially if the narcissist is a boss, co-worker, or family member.
If is still possible in all those situations.
THAT doesn’t work with those in government !!!
I agree with Randy! This is exactly how I handled my husband. Ignored him and did what I needed to do. Short answers, no emotion, no defense , no Explaination
Just a very disinterest ( GRAY ROCK).
He would become very discouraged and go talk to his narcissist mother and complain to her. 45 yrs later ....he is now deceased. And now she is busy trying to Bull me. So I used the same Gray Rock with her.....now she has temper tantrums so I put her in time out ( NO CONTACT).
MOVING ON IN NC.
@@mandycote5662 it kinda does, NEVER EVER, apologize to cancel culture, better to double down instead.
They call you a racist, just respond that you are also a sexist too!
Could not imagine working with them he’ll no 😳😳😳😳💣💣
I tried that many years ago.I knew something was wrong (long before the situation became a horror show).
Avoid visits or attending any holiday invites.Avoided Facebook like the plague.
The situation wasn’t so bad then but things began going south when the decided to hack into our devices and computers.
We were having some marital problems.Those particular problems haven’t existed for about five years.
Our privacy has been violated to levels I try not to type about because it’s become downright socio and psychopathic.
The also weapon I’ve Facebook and will position things to make it look like there is isolation happening and communication prevented when in reality I’ve been fighting of hackers and predators (they’ve proven themselves as such) and gross privacy violations (to the extremes).
Then, they can go round telling people communication is prevented when they are the culprits preventing it.
So, avoiding them isn’t always possible and one commenter mention ppl who have worked government jobs, etc- I second that.
It all began with disgruntled adult children, an ex and someone’s severely dysfunctional and seriously abusive family.
These ppl spend so much time doing this that there is no way possible they aren’t without some kind of disorder.
I actually suspect one of them is an actual psychopath.
Our life, health, mental health, free agency and even the ability to sit in our home unbothered has been completely destroyed.
This is exactly how my mother has treated me my entire life. She has always wanted me to be this ignorant boy that she can easily manipulate and control. She wants me to not be able to do anything on my own. I am 59 years old and only in December of 2023 did I finally figure this out. She expects me to always praise and thank her for what she does for me. I have practically zero self worth and zero self love. My mom likes to tell me. "I love you with all of my heart". The only love that I have ever felt from her is a very superficial love.
Don't feel bad about taking some years to figure out I'm 56 and sometimes feel that way but the freedom is so wonderful better now than never!!!!
I slice up a tomato. He takes all the center slices, leaves the ends. Small example, but ....
No empathy=No heart
I set a boundary yesterday: I don't have to let her come over and make me uncomfortable in my own home. Of course, she immediately attempted to triangulate first my husband, then my brother against my choice, but I didn't engage. I feel fabulous this morning! Thank you so much.
I’ve been there! I’m there now! Stick with your boundaries!
@@Dgirl2 Thanks, you too!!!
You are a hero ,lovecatspiracy !
Dats- how it's done ✔️
@melonymulwee637 thanks for saying that, I appreciate you. At the same time, it is for me more about getting humble and admitting to myself that my positive vibes are no match for narcissism.
“it’s my way or the highway” “that’s for me to know and you to wonder” “do as I say, not as I do”………the narcissistic has a book full of such phrases! It totally messes with your sense of being for life.
Add "...I know I lied to you but I didn't mean to".
Yep I heard this one.
Sad really.
It infuriates me every time I realize I was "raised" by such a human being. Even when I was a kid I knew I was a better parent than my so called mother, so I took it upon myself to raise myself. I finally got the help I needed in my mid twenties cos I was exhausted from raising myself.
You are spot on so toxic
Yes, it does.
“Take it or leave it.”
Thank you for the truth about these dangerous individuals. I removed my mother and almost my entire family, and a dangerous very dangeours ex husband.. Please be safe and listen 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Word! 100% agree with you on this one. I've done the same and now I'm free.
@Tatenda Dune Queen, we all are free from the devils strongholds. Now, we can step into God's protection and blessings 🙌🏾 .Thank you
Safety! Yes! I put that first, and it warms my heart to hear this.
Me too, got rid of them all. Got tired of being their trash dumpster. Lol, I have more peace and joy than ever!!
Your message is so true. They are dangerous--have no doubt that they will hurt you. I too had to part from my "family" and everyone associated with them in irder to protect myself.
The ever faithful doctor's assistant: Gus 🐶. Seeing him peacefully curled up on the couch 🛋 always makes me happy.
I'm not going along with the abuse from these goons anymore. Reversing twenty plus years of being told that I'm lesser, and don't deserve to be happy.
I could sense her giddy glee as she “taught” me how to do life, the “right way,” HER way.
I never saw giddy glee in my mother or sister. Aggressive anger was their “normal.” It was all really quite insane.
@@Teacher369 Sorry to hear that. I got giddy glee while she was in covert mode. It stopped when she flipped to malignant, and she could tell that I was on to her.
Covert was, at best, great. For over 20 years together. At worst, it was surreal in that I was always the one to step up and be better/serve and/or give more. I can see that in hindsight, but at the time, my empathy had me doing any and everything to make this (intended) lifelong relationship work. I now know that it wasn’t up to me.
@@aaronkwolfe 🙏
@@LindaLouise625 All’s ok to share the stories. As the rest of us hear them, we either relate to them, or we hear something new that we can hold on to, so we can recognize it if/when it happens to us.
The “giddy glee” can be so painful and disturbing. At least we are having a better understanding of how things work now. ❤
They will hold you in contempt if they think you are or have been assigned control.
Family dynamics are their favorite territory to make toxic.
Being an Executor, Trustee or P.O.A. of an aging parent will unleash their no empathy chaos.
Testifying on my behalf, they will choose conflict over compassion every time.
Sadly, that is true. It happened to me with my Mom, and to this day I never saw it coming. They are ruthless and will do anything to stay on top. Never trust them to do the right thing for anyone but themselves. I haven't spoken to my sister in years because of the havoc she caused.
@@shelley7975 I could have written both the comments above ~ the claws really come out when a parent dies. They wreak havoc and put themselves in the victim role to deflect from the crap they are doing. It's mind splintering and so stressful. Their fiercely argumentative side will be unleashed complete with false allegations spread everywhere. Choose a good attorney and stand by your decisions. No contact seems to be the only way when everything is said and done.
Cheers to you both ~ tough to repair the damage ~ sorta like uncracking an egg.
"assigned control"? Contrrol of what? Control at an assigned to be working at control panel at work as say a machinist is for sure a legitamate role to have. On the other hand for sure while fulfilling a role like that or any role at work anyone who believes they should be in total control of another human being's every move after work too is a toxic person.
So true! You know my situation.
i had to change the trust narc in family gets zero nothing
I can't begin to express my gratitude to you doctor for how much you've helped me over the past couple of years!! Thank you
So pleased!
That is for sure!!! Thank you.
Are you surveying my household? All this is happening!
¹¹
It is like living in the book "1984" with some of these narcs. The Ex and the church were hand in hand telling me how I should be, how I should think, even down to how I should dream. Eventually I just started to lie to them both to make them happy but that just destroyed my perception of myself. My integrity was at stake. So I ended up leaving them both, especially after I realized they were both wrong about so many things. The years of gas lighting...I'm still recovering from it all.
I knowingly married a controlling man when I was in my 20's. I figured he had
no right to control me unless he was my husband. Boy... What a horrible
nightmare that ended up as... I refuse to be controlled, even if I am willing to
cooperate in a project. It's amazing how many control freaks there are!
I say, 95 %of men like controlling things snd 69 % women . But it's also a trade off if agreed on.
My brother treats me one way when were alone and another around people.
Yes they are the ultimate posers ~ duplicitous individuals that hide their true selves.
It's all about image ~ only some people will find out what they are really like.
I had a boyfriend once that was angrily yelling the entire way to the movie theatre ranting about his coworkers.
Once we were at the ticket booth his voice and face changed as he sweetly bought tickets and thanked the female clerk.
Wow did he ever turn on the charm in public!
He saved his wrath for me and protected his precious "image" in public.
Needless to say ~ he's some other woman's problem now.
Cheers Matt.🙂
Yes my x man did that too. Feels horrible.
@@miraclehands9040 💜😕Losers. Cheers MH.
You either give in or give up. When you finally give up and you will it's time to move on and discover or rediscover your soul. There's no middle distance. Only pain and unappreciated sacrifice on every, every level for as long as the narcissist has use for you.
I kept fighting and all I did was fall into thier manipulation. Let go and just leave them to it. Just move right out the way because they will just mess your mind up and screw your life up. Have a walk in the fields if you can. Spend some free time with yourself. Love to all. Ps. Be strong and give yourslf a hug. 💪👍❤🙏 Luv Yer.
I LOVE seeing Gus...His cool, calm presence always makes my day. Thank you Dr. Carter for all you do to educate people about narcissism.
I was thinking I'd like to be Gus! He has a peaceful, good life!
Ditto
What is being described is horrible. For someone to feel the need to control others without deference, without consideration, without understanding and without empathy, in order to prop up a shattered ego, can never end well for those controlled. To recognize this unnecessary burden as a choice and not a mandate is to leave the narcissist invalidated, a position they can never accept, a nobody.
This video is EVERYTHING! Can't thank you enough for putting into words and validating the supreme frustration of my very essence. I don't have it in my life anymore (finally). But I'm exhausted and will not ever risk a relationship again. I can't. I would rather fall on a sword.
Glad it helped!
I am determined to have my peace. People appreciate being treated with decency and goodness and that is my way of engagement. Thank you dr Carter. God bless you❤
Him being in control and it being done his way is more important than the problem being solved. Any opposition to this brings out all the 'ammo' he has accumulated over the years.
I am running out of steam. I have worked so hard and got so far with years of therapy. Its just not working anymore. I have the tools to survive but I am tired. My mother wants to see me “give up” with life. The tactical moves of sabotage are getting to me. She “owns” me and my family follows her lead. I wish you all the very best. I really do. Get out if you can.
tbunnyshy, Do you listen to Eckart Tolle? I wish I had found him years ago. 💕 ☮️ 🤗
@@Teacher369 No but I will check it out. Thank you.
In addition maybe Kyle Cease - especially if you are exhausted.
Don't give up. I get it. It's like doing time in prison. One day it will be over.
@Ann King 👋 Prisoners have written Eckart to say they found their “freedom” in a jail cell while reading his book, “The Power of Now.” ☮️
I was attacked with “you’re acting like a little kid” when I refused to respond to the verbal abuse. Tried four times to provoke and still got no response and finally backed off huffing and puffing in more anger that I didn’t respond. Never ends and then this person acts like nothing happened after they were so verbally abusive. Ridiculous…
“You are not entitled to control over my mind” feels like it knocked out the foundation of the whole house of cards! 😮🤯
Thank you so much for doing these videos.
Edit- Re: Having peace; you can’t have it-“Yes I can. It’s who I am!” Ahhhhh
The Narc I knew started to panic when most of his victims were dying and he was terrified that his time was limited and no one was lining up to be crushed by him any more. Then he wanted to talk properly and I was busy , too late Mr Narc.
A narcissist once said "I would never steer you wrong."
Wow! But they wouldn't steer you right either ❣
@@amandaliverpool3374 😃 Yeah!
… unless steering you wrong would benefit them in some way.
@@aaronkwolfe even still… in their minds, that’s still steering you in the “right” direction
Never trust a person who has to tell someone… “trust me.” Received that advice early on in this learning journey and now when I hear someone say it, it usually comes from someone who is desperately trying to convince. Even “believe me” now causes me to toss up an eyebrow and pay closer attention to a person’s authenticity.
My mom is a covert narc and my dad is a Mallignant Narcist. Allmost all the People in My family are Narcs. Im 19 now and i Left this living hell and moved in by my selve. Im slowly getting my selve confidence back which is nice. Its a strugle not to go back but im hoping ill make i through so i can build my own life.
Good on you Joel ~ living in your previous arrangement with your parents must have been so hard. You got this ~ freedom and peace are hard won ~ but you're moving in the right direction.
Best of luck (and knowledge) to you. cheers
Joel Michel You're an extremely brave, not to mention intelligent, person and I wish you all the very best too! ❤
👍🤝😎💙🫂🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲
You stay strong. Don't go back. Wish I had been strong enough at your age. Truly, believe in yourself. Wish I had. 62 now & taking care of a covert narcissist, 86, she
Is meaner than ever. GOD
BLESS YOU, YOUNG ONE.
Bravo!!! So brave! And wise. I wasted decades staying with the narc, wish I had the balls to escape when I was a teen like you. 🎉
I find it hard to express just how much admiration I have for Les. Everytime I tune in its like he has the answers for what happened this week with an ex boss who still thinks hes a boss, sold company,still there bitching his N abuse. God Bless You Sir x
Same here!! Les knows his stuff!!! 🙏🏼❤️❤️❤️
A wise elder 🙂
My sister actually said to my ex husband that I had always been hard to control.
Was she right or wrong? I don't understand...
@@nervotica7991 It's beside the point. The point is that she felt she had the right to control me
that’s another word I have come to despise- ‘feel’
Deceptive AND fickle
🤦♀️
✌❤🙏
Same. I will catch myself saying it and immediately realize I’m in a narcissistic conversation with someone and then I’m like a frantic person realizing they’ve been blindfoldedly (just made that word up haha) dropped int a maze now trying to find the closest exit.
“They’re entitled to your deference.” A brief, powerfully eloquent statement, Dr. C.
Yes!!! This video is spot on!! Imagine thinking you have the “right” to TELL OTHERS how they should think, do, or feel 🙄😂….rather than COMMUNICATE to a point of understanding one another. Their giant, fragile egos can not handle that. LOL. Once you remove all of them from your life it’s like a fog lifting, and you see them, and any new narc acquaintances, crystal clear. It’s sad realization too. But to save your sanity never hand over your own personal power to someone who has NO REGARD for you.
It's wild to me that these people think to themselves, "I absolutely have the authority to control another human being because they don't leave"
In one 20 minute conversation, my mother managed to insult my wardrobe, the condition of my clothes, my common sense, and habits. She was actually right about some of it - I DO need some new clothes - but I'm already aware of that. Pointing it out just makes me worry about it more. And then today she calls like nothing happened and called me "beautiful girl" in this smarmy sing-song voice. It made me want to vomit.
Uncanny how they morph.....don't you know you're just supposed to hop up onto their crazy train of delusion and morph along with them!?????!
For real! I had several BIG RED FLAGS, and ignored them. Example- I was told by his mother, (another problem), that would slam his forehead on the concrete when other children didn't Do what he said! At the age of 8! Terrible now that I remember.
So red that "Flag" was on Fire!🔥🔥
We live and we learn ~ hind sight is always 20/20.
Cheers.
My new husband even ordered me to never file my fingernails in their presence. Should have know something was up.
Mine made me stop singing. I was a choir performer and regularly got solos.. he made me think I had no talent.
"My adult son avoids seeing me so I cannot berate, belittle and boss him around, blame him, attack his character and invade and undermine his relationship, or scream at him, for absolutely no reason!"
I am paraphrasing far less than you might imagine.
Very timely for me. I just dropped a guy who was a patron. He decided when he would pay me and refused to discuss my needs and a schedule. I snapped and took a big risk and said I felt controlled and stopped communication. Yesterday a check showed up and a message that he didn't appreciate being told he is controlling. I thanked him and did not engage. I was destitute over my birthday. And I managed. He definitely as a wealthy lawyer seems to want favored treatment. No more deference from me. Not worth the feelings of being controlled. Defenitley no sense if us and we and underdeveloped. I'm not his mother or teacher any more.
Good for you! Happy Birthday!
You had all the well wishes from TH on your birthday 🎂 🙏
N loves financial Abuse 🤡
Yup! My ex-friend told me when I met her "I might do things that make you angry, but we'll still always be friends!" 7 WEEKS later, I "hurt her so bad" that we can't be friends anymore. She kept saying, "You need me, I don't need YOU." After up to 8 calls per day morning noon and night....i told her she's Co-dependent and needs psych meds. She went NUTS. I then told her that her little friendship requirement of GRACE for angering behaviors should be extended to me as well, and since its not, thats why we can't be friends!
She does indeed sound nuts
I've noticed in healthy relationships reciprocity includes brainstorming, active listening, thought out responses, compromise and negotiation in moderation, and willingness.
When narcissists demand on being in control its a matter opinions, they can use avenues of professions, education, financial restitution, and are capable of weaponizing your past and exploiting the gift of the present. If the narcissist has to have the upper hand so their version of reality remains true, it's a false pretense because control long term with regularity and continuity of consistency IS an illusion, like perfection, it only happens in moments and in timing, but its not sustainable AND unpredictable. Something that happens is different than something that is.
"I Deserve" ...I would rather spend every ounce of common sense on trying to earn, if there is a sense of deserving then there is a chance to take, feverishly and with no regard. If I earn, then in the process, I learn wait, give, and share. That feels better than splintered from hollowed out eggs, those shells are sharp and pointy, they can hurt when pain ought not be present anyhow.
Very centred. Do not let yourself be groomed to behave in a way that you will regret.
This inlaw whom I don’t have much of a relationship with wants to control me. She pretends like we have a close relationship when we are not close at all. We only talk to each other once or twice a year. Yet she feels like she has the right to control me. It makes no sense to me. She tries to infantilize people to make excuses for trying to control adults. There are so many double standards.
I used to say to my ex that there’s only 2 ways of doing things, her way and the wrong way. That just made her go off the rails 😂. I was “lucky” (to quote Dr C.’s way of putting it😂) to have her make all my decisions for over 2 decades. She constantly told everyone how I wouldn’t be able to survive alone, how I couldn’t cook etc. Poor me - free to do as I please now! Back to my baking…
Absolutely, Dr. C! They really are that insecure. Their behavior speaks volumes about them, not us! 😊
The parent(father is the narc) expects to tell me how important he is, that his time matters more than mine and listen to his nitpicking; he thinks he's perfect, and he judges me harshly. He doesn't like me standing up to him: complaining(valid) and invalidates me through a controlling/lecturing tone. I never asked for his opinion! That doesn't matter to him. He needs to shut up.
He acts as if only he matters. No! I deserve a better father! I will not engage with him. My phone has his number blocked so I don't have to listen to his ranting.
I hate holidays and birthdays near holidays. I won't bother with narcissist this year!
I got punished for being myself & for not conforming for my NM. She threw away & gave away so much of my things & I didn't know it because most of my things were boxed up and/or locked up. I wished I knew all this before I became her caregiver. She's gone, but I'm still dealing with the aftermath.
Thanks Dr C. I'm seven years removed from my narcissistic relationship, but still trying to get back, or even close to the person I was B.N. (before narcissist). It is a daily endeavor, alas though with your encouragement and insight I continue to try to become a better human day by day. Thanks again!
Don’t they all “feel” this way? 😵💫
As sigma empath the part that they have no empathy or boundries makes them obvious to identify.
I'm also a sigma empath
When I booked a vacation with my narcissist-friend, as we walked into the hotel suite, he ran around the suite the second the door was opened and yelled back, "I picked my room!"
Me, me, me.
It’s better to not be in control - however not good to lose control of yourself
My adoptive mother believes she is entitled to verbally and emotionally abuse me because she raised me and I owe her everything.
My controlling parents were apparently entitled to a better kid. Remember my dad giving me a ride when is was 15 or so. The kid that was a 3 sport athlete and student body prez was walking toward the school. My dad looked at me, pointed at him, and said; “Why can’t you be like him?” 🤷♂️
Having heard that from controlling narcissistic parents I responded with "That person has a really supportive environment and really supportive parents" 😶 It didn't stop.the comparisons altogether, but it definitely slowed them down
Dr. C, it is uncanny how accurately you describe conversations with people who exhibit narcissistic traits. Thank you!
They can do anything they want, including yelling, but don't you raise your voice to them indeed.
Thank you again, poppop. Dad is really trying to get me to react, but it is not going to happen. My boundaries are clear, he chooses not to see and respect me.
I connected the dots to my FIL - narcissist. A few years ago. Entitlement, has been tough to identify. But, I have always felt it was there. Then it appeared. The entire family has unspoken rules. That’s were his entitlement lays. At his adult children’s homes. He sits at the head of the table. Dinner is a 5 pm - period. Fresh bananas are provided every morning wherever that may be. When visiting. He tells you the dates. Although he’s retired. If it’s a work day, your expected to take a vacation(s) to visit. I could go on. Sounds nit picky. But, there are processes and procedures for his presence. Entitlement defined.
He sounds like possibly retired military ~ the discipline can be ingrained.
@@marieldavison5121 He has never served. Self Employed - Minister and Building Contractor
We deal with this nonsense from my husband’s mom. Every time we see her it’s the same. We are told what to think, how to feel, what we can and cannot eat, what we are supposed to believe and not believe, and then she re-writes history so she is always seen in a positive light. We have never ever had a “normal” conversation with her. She’s either a victim, a martyr, or it’s all about what we are doing and what we need to instead subscribe to, then there’s her making (or attempting to) make my husband feel responsible for her emotions and issues as she takes the time to remind him of “all she did for him” which in truth was not much, he was neglected.
I think of all the toxic people I’ve had the misfortune of knowing it’s hard when it’s a spouse’s family member because I know it’s their call on how the toxic or narcissistic person is handled. It seems to me he handles it by only seeing her on special occasions and it’s honestly very difficult… I feel like she is an issue that is always open-ended and not dealt with. In my own life I have gone no contact but still saw the person on special occasions, but fewer. Like a wedding or special birthday. It’s so hard being around these people. I feel like I’m in a vice grip.
Living with or having any relationship with a narcissist is a horrible way to live.
Freedom is a privilege that they dole out, as you earn their will for you
Thank you Dr
If my narc ever went missing, this is the exact description of them I’d have to file on the police reports! 😂 Honestly Dr Carter, you couldn’t have described my narc any better.
Hi Honor. I try my best!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Well your ‘best’ has saved me from a continued life of misery and pain, and has taken me on a healing path back to myself again - only stronger and better. And for that I am personally and eternally grateful. And I know the rest of the community on here feels exactly the same way.
"The scanning look" is a classic.
Without saying a word or even smiling, the narcissist stares at you and looks at you from top to toe. It's quite creepy.
Feels just like being put in a scanner.
Narcissistic control freaks have to check everyone all the time, and if it means eyeballing your belt or shoes or hands, they'll do that to. I suppose this behaviour is linked to the narcissistic stare.
OMGoodness! I absolutely know this so well! He wears a ball cap and stares at me with eyes just below the bill. Creepy is the PERFECT word!
@@TA-zf9so It's both comforting and sad, getting feedback in these threads.
As soon as I post something about narcs in my life, several people respond and knows EXACTLY what I mean.
Ah, mother.
Yes! I can't tell you how many times I was scanned by that narc. They don't realize how transparent THEY are. They THINK they're at the top of the heap, but their childish behavior is such a joke.
Or sitting on the couch, pretending to nap. Eyes half open. Watching me.
I am a survivor of this entitled control to the point of theft and slander to keep me under control. But as a 3rd party slave. By a ex. Totally 🤪
She gets vindictive if I object of refuse to be bossed. Whatever. Now she can be the boss of herself, by herself.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional and abusive home headed by a very narcissistic mother. It took me many years to understand why she behaved as she did. After her death I began to study psychology and explore the ‘why’ of my mother and father. Understanding why she behaved as she did has helped me self differentiate and find peace and healing for myself. I whole heartedly encourage others to pursue self differentiation!
The false self sees to it that everything outside of it is constantly laid to blame--it keeps you fighting with life, instead of learning from it. It is really very cunning.
As bad as they can be with you you have to wonder how they could possibly want you to admire them!
You always amaze me Dr. C. Btw I just rediscovered psychiatrist Judith Orloff. Empathy has been her lifeong study. Many books. She believes empathy is the medicine we need now. I imagine we agree. 🌹
And some excel at dominance and control, done passive aggressively
This is so accurate in regards to my narcissistic sister.
Every time I listen to your sessions,I know I am in the right place. Thank you.judy
You are so welcome, Judy!
i have a narc in my house since the lock down she has stuff in the house as an anchor a relative without any chance of leaving unless forced out gives sob story don't let them sob story you lawyer time she goes ballistic when i stand up for myself about anything she always says ' you don't know what you're talking about' your videos are gems
Don't hesitate to get adult social services involved, come to the home talk them directly, in face, with REALITY. County listings. 👍🇺🇲
Dr. Carter you are amazing. It’s always encouraging and helpful to me to watch your videos. I’m still trying to deal with a narcissist spouse. 😂
Keep learning!
No fear just aware
My ex is a psychologist who thinks he has an awesome responsibility to play God in people's lives! (Yes, he actually said that!)
Narcs say the darndest things. At least yours is trained. Mine has the same belief while possessing an unfinished IT degree.
Every one that is proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD: though hand join in hand, he shall not be unpunished. Proverbs 16:5
Incredible! How does one study into all that about how the mind works and still be so self-unaware? That’s like making the grade to be a policeman then turning to a life of pernicious and repeated crime!
A minister once told me the bad news that I am now having to cope with not 1 but too Goliaths in my life now both who believe the same. That was around 22 years ago now. To this day from time to time I am still as an adult being told that I must be continually supervised by another more capable than me adult only because of those 2 jerks at the time who used to be troublesome in my life. The good news is that is happening far less often to me now.
@@callalilly1988 Unfortunately, those trained ones can cause harm to many of their clients though, which I've experienced more than once over the years!
I'm also aware that a lot of so-called Christians and highly narcissistic sponsors in AA and NA use the God factor to their advantage, or seem to believe that they ARE God, which is to be expected. 🙁
Love your dog on the couch! Always brings a smile!
I use to be so thankful to the controllers that were in my childhood, as a teen ended up in a life I did not want and as an adult and I ended up left in the dark for 9 years and so many people & children got hurt
I am getting old...70...and am having more problems taking care of myself. It just gets worse every year. My problem is that I have to move in with my narcissistic son, and his family. His wife has pretty much lost her self esteem and my Grandchildren jump when he calls (bellows!). I have no where else to go except the streets. The shelters are horrible and only temporary. Believe me, I looked for every other option out there. My narcissistic older sister, who I lived with for ten horrible years, kicked me out of her house when I caught onto her games and gaslighting. She gets physically violent and I've had to call Elder Abuse on her, but they didn't do anything to help. I feel so trapped and helpless! 😱😱😱😵💫😵💫😵💫😢 I finally learned about narcissism a few years ago. I now have survival tools, but it won't be enough. I will not have a way to leave anymore. Health problems and lack of financial security prevent me from leaving. Please pray for me and my protection. 🙏🙏🙏😞😞😞
I have had two of them tell me that I don't have any friends. In reality they are the ones with no true friends, just people that they know.
Why do they say that? I'm seriously asking.
They just want you to feel bad about yourself so they feel superior.
Keep being yourself and reaching out and asking questions.
Having an inquisitive nature is a gift.
Regards to you.
@@marieldavison5121 and to you
How do they keep up the act with others so well....Acting humble and considerate...available and helpful to everyone else
I want to send this to my Narcissist. I know it may be the ultimate fight and end things but - i’m not trying to change him. I’m trying to change me in the way I deal with my life according to him . The way I react, talk, and think. It’s not good. I was damaged before we ever met but I’m allowing and contributing to my own destruction . Long story -made short I know it’s a bad idea to send, show or talk about it with him. To sound like him for a minute “it’s about me….” - the truth is - i’m in this alone. He’s not going to change. I have to do the work. For myself.
This is the beginning and hope for me to be happier in dealing with this. Thank you thank you so much. I will keep you in the work. It’s weird that every word that comes out of your mouth about narcissist about the things that they say the way they think it’s textbook - like he’s scripted. Lol it’s funny but it’s not! thank you and I will keep watching for these videos.
Pointless to send it to a narc ~ they will blame shift and say you are the defective one.
Love when you say ~ He’s not going to change. I have to do the work. For myself.
You know what your dealing with ~ they all play from the same rule book.
The "ONLY I MATTER" rule book.
Cheers.🙂
The best control is self control!
You get it, Fred.
Praying for all of the kids that are being taught this shiiiiiiit
I saw this funny narc meme..."I'm not bossy. I just know what you should be doing. " Lol
That summarizes it quite well!
It's their way or the highway, and they will make you wish you had never been born.
Their good at dehumanizing you. 😏
They think they own the highway so they have the right to overtake you and or run you over!
Feeling so happy now that I’m free THANKYOU for being a life line in a VERY HURTFUL time… sending you LOVE ❤️
The narc doesn’t like to be called a narcissist and controlling. She always asks questions she doesn’t want answered.
Hi Doc. Can you guys make a video about how to overcome the isolation narcissist people bring to victims as an aftermath/ after all this control happened? Don't know if it feels like that for everyone, but I have difficulty trusting people and making friends because being the real me in my family brought shamed and it makes it hard to open up to new people now. It was hard even as a teenager to let people really participate in my life because I was ashamed they would pick up how negative things were in my house or how sad I felt. Thanks again for all the awesome content!
I feel you ~ I have become aware of how much staying in my basement appeals to me.
There are days my hyper protectiveness has me🤔 wondering what the hell the👮 mailman is doing at my doorstep! Lol
Seriously it is really hard to trust again ~ any expectations for future relationships are really different with the objective shifting from live in hubby to possibly some companionship but little desire to share space or financial etc.
This abuse is no joke it causes complex trauma that is tough to overcome.
It becomes our responsibility to unlearn the garbage we were taught and relearn through healthier life experiences & therapy.
Life long journey ~ all progress involves some degree of risk ~ can't steal🏃♂🏃♀ second base and keep our foot on 1st.
Cheers to you.💙
Oh goodness. Very real. Wishing you comfort and the release that comes with those first steps.I thank the adversity as it has helped me ' have better insights and to make healthy relationships without enmeshing.I have found collecting my patience, keeps me from making pressured choices and instead, to observe the truths and act accordantly.
Great video, as always and the comments are meaningful.
What about a narcissist who acts subservient only to say look how much I do for you. Because I do so much for you you have to tolerate any of my bad behavior. What about them?
Whatever they are they’re justified they think not hurting others doesn’t come into their ethics
I gain so much insight and understanding from your videos...each one places more pieces in the narcissistic 'jigsaw' however, this one was like the 'box lid' !! Absolutely spot on...even down to 'must have the best chair'!! Thanks Dr C, for the wealth of knowledge and clarity you provide....I can see Gus just drinking it all in too. 🤗🐶🌼
Thanks Sue!!
My parents would take the right to choose out of me and then blame me for the sh*t going on badly in my life. Smh
MY EX TO A T!!
"You need to just do what I say at all times, and I don't care if I'm right or wrong. I deserve that, and you not doing it is disrespectful." (While calling me nasty names and disrespecting ME!)
And of course, defending myself made ME the bad person.
He threw tantrums when his control was challenged or rejected. But he still doesn't think that he's a narcissist!
Dr. C. You are the best. I lived with a narcissist for 60. Years. I’m now trying to recover. It’s hard. I can’t get my kids to understand. Thanks keep it up you.
You are so welcome. Thanks for the input.
They always have to have the final word. Your opinion doesn't matter. You always have to do as they say.