4 Reasons A Narcissist Cannot Cope With You
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ส.ค. 2022
- When you have ongoing exposures with strongly narcissistic individuals, it becomes apparent that they don't know how to blend well, especially as differences arise. Predictably, they will blame you for the relationship's deficiencies, but as Dr. Les Carter explains, the problem is not with you. Narcissists can't cope due to their own lack of insight and wisdom. Their blustery, disruptive behavior is evidence that they are in arrested development.
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1. No expansive thinking - need to be dominant person, no room for nuance
2. Low level of self awareness - need to protect their self image, they know everything even when they don’t
3. No conception of teamwork, low sense of curiosity
4. No appreciation for your right to choose, don’t like your freedom
I’m a “survivor” and I approve this message. 🤯
#TeamHealthy
I wanna throw up I am so sick today of two teamed up narcississta. Couldnt sleep. Difficulty eating functioning.
😂
Short version is the narcissist needs to devalue others in order to feel superior. Feeling superior is the only way they feel they have value.
I named my car, when I finally got one, Freedom. I drove my Freedom to freedom! 😊
Love it! 😻
It’s so devaluing how they just dismiss you. Like you are a boring entity in their life. They are truly disgusting people
The best way to repel a narc parasite is by setting very strong boundaries.
I'm learning this way too late in my life. But, thank God I get it now.
Same here. Unfortunately, mine are ssslllooowww learners. To date its taken multiple visits by law enforcement telling them to stay off my property, getting caught on camera stealing my stuff, and an ever-growing pile of legal evidence they are building against themselves because they are still 100% sure that projectionism and lies will beat hard evidence if they just run with them long enough.
Better late than never!!! Rejoice & live in harmony!!
What I had to learn is to not take any of their insecure projections personally. I'm simply smile, redirect whatever they said as something perfect and safe and great (because it almost always is), and then part ways and tell them to enjoy their next move, whether it's lunch or a meeting or their coffee break or their weekend. It is like they are a very insecure toddler with pre-tantrum demands, and I just treat them like I'm the adult and they need redirected towards something that comforts them.
True that. But you have to remember that they will be strongly offended by boundaries. Nevertheless, don't back down even when they try to shame you or attack you because of your boundaries. Some may even try fake-friendship in order to break down your boundaries. But you have to stand strong. Grey-Rock them.
Solidarity, sister! 👊💯🤗
They really do not care.
Only pretend to care, if it is in their best interests.
1. You are not them
2. You are not just like them
3. You do not want to be just like them
4. You could not be them even if you tried
Thanks for these videos - finding more and more peace thanks to all the wisdom shared here
I periodically ask my therapist if I’m turning into a narcissist because of how I stopped doing things / being a doormat for my husband (covert narc). It’s against my nature but darn it if I want to be treated like I’m beneath him.
Toxic people can be deadly.
The Narc Is always right. Everyone else is automatically wrong. Thank you everyone for responding. I feel like I can call you friends. Good luck.
100% correct! Spot on 🎯
If you are actually right..They have an anger fit
💯🎯 Exactly correct!!!
Obviously.. ' Automatically' is the word 😄... Infront of them everyone is wrong 🙃
Totally.
Here are my 4 reasons:
1) I don't put up with his bullshit
2) I set up and stick to my boundaries
3) I remind him to not go over them
4) I do not engage in his tantrums
And last but not least another one:
5) I am being myself, happy and healthy
Awesome!
Excellent!!
This is how the narc father of my children did to them,envious of their achievements.He is the lonliest creature in the world.He gets angry seeing us happy.But i dont care anymore and ignore him and his dramas and lies.
I had to do the same with my narc spouse.
@@Positivevibes6238 My father actually put us down when we wanted to get educated with a trade.
Try not to argue, that's who they do to trap you into their chaos. Just slowly not say much and very quietly back them out of your life.
Please people go no contact it's the only thing that will save your soul...
They cannot cope. Period. Unregulated like 2 year Olds.
Yep!🕊
Yes!
I think that's why I can't and don't really get mad at them. They can't help it. Don't want to and don't know how. I have learned to have more compassion for them while reasonably protecting myself.🕊
Even though as 2 year olds age, they figure out things that narcs never figure out. Can't imagine being adult with a two year old's mentality and not having the self reflection to see that.
@@brg2743 They don't see what we see for any number of valid reasons. And, like small children, many are self-interested and self-directed primarily. They are emotionally immature by nature and not ready.
They cannot cope without supply!!!
Exactly! from Nigeria
They would have to rewire a hard wired brain!
Yep! And, they can be quite resourceful in provoking a negative reaction of any kind to fill that supply, no matter how seemingly small. They absolutely need to be right about the wrong things almost all of the time. Lol ❤They have to have the upper hand and the last word. It's sad and sometimes funny too. The lengths that some narcissists will go to! But atleast we know exactly what we're really dealing with and have the choice to choose better alternatives, including being a member of Team Healthy with Dr. Carter! Yay for us!🕊
They cannot cope with anyone they perceive to be one up on them! My narc brother used to make derogatory comments about my 12 year old son because my son is taller than him. He felt threatened by his own kid nephew. When I was a child and my father complimented my art work, my narc mother would sulk and say "I can do better". They are extremely insecure and emotionally immature.
That's really sick. On both counts. I hope you're far away from them.
OMG, I burst out laughing when you said, "It's not like you're going to have a brainstorming session with them." Pondering the hillarious idea and impending impossibility of such an attempt had me in hysterics. Thank you, Dr. Carter, I needed that!!
You're dealing with a petulant child!
Indeed! Lol 😊
@@SurvivingNarcissism 💯 Exactly correct, my Narc elderly mother, at 86yrs. Old, is getting worse, throwing Tantrums, telling anyone who will listen to Her, so many Lies she makes up about me, when she doesn't get what She wants, or what She doesn't want.
They're also, very 'two faced' when it comes to being in a relationship with them. I have finally cut myself off from my younger Sister, like I did with my older Sister. Both are Narc's, 💯 exactly like my elderly mother. No one is equal to them, in Their severely judgemental estimation's.
@@SurvivingNarcissism More accurately a low emotionally unstable spoiled adult Brat.
LOL
This is so confusing because when a narcissist who IS SO insecure is around someone who is healthy...a healthy person anchored in the truth- they can make that healthy person LOOK like the bad guy for not caturing to their weak egos. The poor me innocent victim kind of thing and paint the healthy person as the troubled person.
You think the narcissist is a normal person with issues. Then, you start to see too many coincidences for this to be healthy behavior
Great summation.
fits my situation to a tee.
A 5th Narc descriptive would be, " I'm going to tear you down & once done I'm going to continue hammering until I feel better."
As a fellow psychological professional, I can say that Dr. Carter is making difficult concepts more accessible. He is totally on target!
Such a nice compliment...thanks.
I agree. I like that he doesn't keep creating new labels for existing, old problems as I find people get confused when every nuance is given a different name, eg. so is that breadcrumbing or future faking? The essentials matter and coping with them as Dr C teaches is key.
As another psychological professional, I agree with you. ☺️
Now If They Could Only See That CBT Is Actually Abuse Now We're Talking 🤣 Dr's Yes Even Mental Health Dr's & That Whole Illusion Trauma Bonding Facing GasLighting Very Intrusive & Counter Productive While Being Grey Rocked Basically By Alot Of Ppl Who The Matrix Drives Me Nuts For Real If That Was Their Goal They Succeeded However I Do Have An Open Mind & Like Ur Definition Of Coping~I Find Ppl Group Together Maybe Well Intending However Their Actions Severely Cause Trauma & Also Once Implemented They Can Unimplement When They Have Destroyed Others Lives Just A Thought Also Thank U For Allowing Me To Share I Am A Certified Pharmacy Tech So...🤣 Anyways Spent Year's Trying To Get My Integrity Back Thankfully For Grace & Mercy I Am Actually Making Real Progress Take Care Everyone I Like Videos Because I Learn Alot By Watching Them & Piecing Together My Childhood Forward Ever Backward Never As Someone Else I Listen To Says Thank U Again
Here is how you survive the narcs: you leave them and never look back. The end. No revenge, no outsmarting them, no triggering them...just leave. Lol
Best comment.
They can't cope with anyone (even family members) that have their sh*t together. Jealousy rages in them and they will never give you any well deserved acknowledgement for any accomplishments. Just move on and deny them of their pitiful existence lest they drag you down.
My narcissistic ex contacted me a few weeks ago and I sent him a video of an orphanage that I built in Uganda. His response was total silence. I messaged him after a day or two saying why did you ignore my message about the orphanage? I said was it because you didnt want to acknowledge my accomplishment? He denied that was the reason. So I quizzed him on it. I said well you cant blame me for thinking that since you have a history of gaslighting me and his response to that was to call me a hate filled bigot and that I used to have so much joy and love for him. And that he cant be around my toxic negativity. I had been unsure if he was really a narcissist up to that point but after that interaction I am 100% convinced that is what he is. I was being totally reasonable. I didnt lose my temper so that response just screams narcissist.
Well done Sandra ❤
Yes! They can remain in their sad little world forever. I am out.
@billyboyd3493
Thanks for this comment. My oldest sister - 15 years older - just cannot handle that I have my shxt together.
I do know how to cope. I do know to manage differences.
What I believe to be I who I am. What I know about myself. My uniqueness is a good thing. I make no apology for who I am.
If I have to five ip to appease the narc.
I
don't have to défend for myself.
I will accept abd coordinate with thise who are different from me. I like growing.
Overbearing treatment
I feel sick just listening to this.
Their total lack of consideration for others is pure evil, whether deliberate or not.
They need to be treated as pariahs.
Teamwork is not in their wheelhouse. They interpret it as “weak” to cooperate
I hadn't thought about that. That fits right in with my situation. I needed teamwork and at first, that was a great thing. It did not take long for that to fall apart. Thank you. Light 💡 on !
Took me almost 40 years to realize this with my in laws. A total narcissistic family unit, married to the "invisible" child and we have been "discarded" by the "golden child". The death of my mother in law (enabler) brought all of it into the light. Never felt comfortable around them, questioned myself constantly, never felt like I measured up. I went full "no contact" and it's the best thing I've ever done for my sanity.
Yes it was
same here. 50 years actually and it was both my parents and I discovered recently my sister was a covert one. My brother is the malignant narc variety. And most of my life I spent in a daze of compliance or rebellion with them. At times I was golden, at times I was discarded. Most of the last 30 years I got the discarded treatment. there was never any true human connection. What a flipping waste of time. Plus of course now, I am having real difficulty to keep an even keel as I try to process the trauma and try to have 'normal' relationships. My husband is a good man but has to be very patient.....and don't even ask me about my guilt towards my children, wondering what dysfunction I was piling onto them?!
I did exactly that this year too! They act all goody goody, when in reality, they are a rotten mess!!! My MIL constantly tried to dominate me, every time I met her. She watched how and when I ate, talked about me as soon as my back was turned etc. Behind the scenes, she is a raging alcoholic. She never lifted a finger to help raise our two children, but successfully managed to turn both of our children against us, and acts as if she, is their mother, and grandmother to their children. Say she loves her son, but she sees nothing wrong with the fissure she has caused between him and his children., and it's all because she has never liked me. I just stopped cold turkey with her and all her family. Just done
It’s always about them. They wrote the book on every subject and can’t do anything for themselves. Very strange characters.
Me too!!
I just cannot get my head around my parents giving no encouragement or support & not wanting us to do well in life. Its all I want for my own children.
Because they " believed" your success will expose their failures and faults because you would gain your freedom and voice. Fckem
When only a bit of authentic encouragement could have moved mountains.
The narcissist puts on a brave face to cover up their inner insecurities and weaknesses. Empathic people like to help other's but it's not a good idea trying to help a narcissist especially when they are doing a task of any kind, just a mere suggestion can start off a war of words. They go on the defensive and take it as an insult, they must think we are implying that they are incompetent. Narcissist's are the most insensitive people on earth but when it comes to themselves they are the most super sensitive. 🥺
So well said!
@@iys6890 Thanks MJ, enjoy the rest of your day.👍🙂
That last part - extremely well said!
@@Lynn.B. Thank you.🌻
@@steadypace1262 So well said I have 1️⃣ dealing with right now she even go as far to block me from a friend that the both of Us have and the friend believe she more because she knows her before me. But am trusting God to fight on my behalf Thanks for sharing from experience 👏🇯🇲
I'm done with making myself small to appease and soothe the tiny insecure jerks in my life. Ive no time, and no room for them anymore.
The more you heal from toxic abuse, the more intolerable it will be to be around toxic behaviors and situations, and the more you will start distancing from old toxic relationships and making new kinds of friends in a healthy relationship in which your needs are equally important and valued.
One of the most important aspects of marriages/relationships is teamwork. Narcissist on the other hand look at their significant other far more like a competitor rather then someone who they can be pride of and cheer for whenever something positive happens that might outshine them. There is nothing worse to a narcissist then having their significant other outshine them even if it’s something insignificant like how they are dressed etc. If something positive happen to you such as a promotion or pay raise your narcissist significant other will perceive that negatively with envy. That is usually followed up with a nonchalant cold attitude. It won’t be the let’s celebrate and go out to a nice dinner treatment 😔. Narcissist are extremely unsupportive, yet they expect you to be very supportive of them whenever something positive happens to them.
Yes!!
I thought I was imagining things but it felt like a competition. My ex narc would mimic what’d I do but would make sure to top it. I redecorated my apt… he did… I started going to the gym… so did he…I have a nice vehicle…he bought a new car. It was pathetic yet so sad to realize he was competing with me 😞💔
Cause it was never a relationship it was a kidnapping Darvo violent victim blaming scapegoat bullying abuse right hiding fake family human trafficking hack stalker liars
Mine couldn’t get past the freedom I had. It allowed me to build healthy relationships. It allowed people to actually like me.
Something she never had.
I down, 3 to go.
I wished someone told me years ago that I wasn't responsible for my narc mother's emotions & well being.
My mother was a classic narcissist. She left a terrible impression on me. I still have nightmares about her and get depressed when memories of her arise in my life and I'm 77 years old. People were afraid of my mother and she loved having power over people. People literally trembled when she walked into a room at a social gathering. I lived in fear of her and my fear was quite realistic.
I’m so sorry. My nightmares finally stopped at 65, meds helped. I can’t think of my torture and abuse as a young child, without completely coming undone. I can’t fix my lifetime of disastrous choices, or the experience of my childhood. But finally, at 67, disabled and in chronic pain from being sucked dry by my narcissistic family, I’m actually beginning a positive journey. I discovered that that little girl was still inside, waiting to be loved by someone, waiting to be seen, waiting to come first in SOMEONE’s life! And , I realized that instead of lavishing love and effort on those vampires around me, I would lavish that same love on that dear, lonely, abused little girl who’s been waiting for so so long…
@@christinacutlass1694 It breaks my heart to hear all these stories from people who grew up with parents like this. I'm glad you found love in your life and I'm glad that person who loves you is you. Thats the most important person.
That was my mother too!!
The narcissist turns my uniqueness into my "weakness"...bc I am "other" than their strengths...my strengths are disdained and devalued. All your points are spot on!
Dr C, I was raised by two narcissists and as you can imagine I was seriously messed up coming into adult hood. My entire adult life I have struggled to understand why my parents were the way that they were, why I couldn't relate to them normally, why I lost all my confidence and felt so awful about myself when I was around them. Last year it came to a head and their cruelty and lies became glaringly apparent; I was so desperate to understand why they created this chaos that I turned to Google and TH-cam, typing in my parents characteristics in an attempt to find some advice or understanding. I found your channel and it was like a light turned on for the first time in my life. It was like you knew my situation personally, everything fit to a T. I watched your videos over and over, I wrote down your truth on papers and put them all over the house, and started implementing what you said in my dealings with my parents. You gave me a framework for the chaos that had been my childhood; it was like my life was a 1,000 piece puzzle I was always rearranging but couldn't understand and you put the box down in front of me and I could finally see the big picture and start putting the pieces together. I cannot thank you enough for your work and content. It has truly changed my life. I am thoroughly at peace for the first time in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you ♥️
I'm so pleased on your behalf. Glad to be on the journey with you.
Victoria what a beautiful beautiful letter!💕
I had difficulty understanding my mother's behaviour towards me. I always thought, she was cruel towards me because I had a good relationship with my paternal grandmother. After my grandmother died, I thought may be because I have good relationship with my father. After my father died, I did not understand why I was still the scapegoat (even though she lives in one of my houses and I was supporting her financially). I then found out about narcissism and realised that this woman is mentally sick and this is nothing to do with me. Most importantly, she will never change, no matter what I do. I can continue to do things to please her or in the hope that she will not turn ugly, but as soon as you say no, she will turn ugly. She still lives in my house but I stopped giving her money. I told her that my sister (who is in the middle of her divorce case) needs financial support, so I will give her the money instead, otherwise my sister would be burden on her, etc. My mother pretended that she understood my point and agreed with me but she has become ugly. She has been talking behind my back in derogatory words, such as "is that midget coming here this year? have you heard from the fatty?", "she lied under an infidel and thinks she has achieved something in life" and so on an so forth. (by infidel she is referring my English husband who is not Muslim). She has not said it to my face but to my other siblings. Her aim is to get me to start an argument so she can blame guilt trip me. My sister is aware my mother's narcissistic behaviour. I told my sister that I will pretend as if you have not told me what she says about me because she is not worth spending a minute. I have since put boundaries. I do not feel guilty when she calls me (for something) and blames that I have not called her. I never liked to call her but I would put in my diary to call her at least once a month to stop her complaining and when she complained I used to feel guilty or stay quiet, letting her vent her anger. Now, I only call her or visit her during Eid (Muslim Christmas) to stop her being ugly and creating drama in the house. Of course she is not stupid, she has discerned the difference in me, she now hates me and my sister (who receives the money).
@@jinakurd1726 I'm so sorry. I too have thought that various circumstances would make my mom happy with me, but they never do. I feel sorry for people who are so consistently unhappy, in turmoil and who need to hurt others in order to feel better about themselves.
Ohh thank you for sharing this-your line about “why I couldn’t relate” and “why I felt so awful about myself”… yes, exactly this! And yeah, it all came to a head…. I love your idea of writing out quotes from these videos and taping them up around the house. Going to do that now. Thank you! 🌸
I've been living and going through this crap for 33 yrs!!!! and it's life and soul crushing. The lying and cheating he's done and the pain he's put upon me, I wonder why I just don't kill myself, but deep down I'm a fighter and I can survive this nasty human.
When it comes down to it, narcissists are the least creative people on Earth.
But they are masters of taking all the credit for others work.
The only thing they know how to do is copy others.This one can't even find a TH-cam channel to his liking without looking over my shoulder.
@@martyrose it's not quite clear what you are trying to say.
@@bobtaylor170 He has zero imagination. He can't look on TH-cam and find a music channel to his liking, or choose a paint color, or a car, or a shirt without copying what someone else has done. He can only mimic because he's completely shallow and devoid of creativity.
@@martyrose , got it. And it reminds me of my cousin.
Narcs are a one-way street. Beyond sad and pitiable, if it's an immediate family member, I find trying to relate with them is a living death.
The issue is that although they are emotionally immature, they are cognitively really intelligent. They can outsmart many.
Manipulation may be considered intelligence I guess.
Mine is actually very stupid but even when the manipulation is very obvious, it’s almost impossible to deal with because if it’s called out, a tantrum ensues.
@@StoicNature444
They are very Conniving…
Truth! I'm married to one of these sick monsters. After three years of his horrible explosive anger disorder outbursts and hours of verbal and other abuse I told his I am no longer going to be his abuse victim. And it will no longer be our dirty little secret. I'm going to start asking for help from police, family, and authorities. Now he's trying the silent treatment and stonewalling me. Good. But I want him out of my life now.
They rely on being able to isolate and control you, so they can continue with their abuse. That which you allow, will continue. Keep us up on your successes. We want to celebrate them with you.
Been there, done that!
I would say there is one main reason: they live in a fantasy world created in their own mind. If you live in reality to any degree whatsoever, they can’t and won’t incorporate that.
Truth, truth, and more truth. I am being part silly and part serious with my quip. My guesses beforehand are a narcissist cannot cope with a person who has boundaries, insight, faults, and a sense of direction for their life.
But most of us are empaths who never learned to set set boundaries or we would never have invited the blood sucking narcissist into our life at all!!! We clearly lack insight too as we were oblivious to the behavior cycle of a narc ie. love bombing - devalue - discard. We had no idea about the abuse and were always in a state of confusion. A real big WTH mode!
@@Juke582 Yeah. I was late to make the judgement call of boundaries while already in a narc relationship more than once. I put up with too much for too long, and then late in the game was like "WAIT a minute?!" This did not go over well.
Spot on. Spot on. Spot on. The covert narcissist i dealt with often told me (as a backhanded compliment) that i was “honest to a fault… and that’s why people didn’t want to get close to me.” I believed him and was completely brainwashed into not recognizing the isolation because he didn’t want the truth (and my honesty about it) being told.
@@Juke582 So good on that one...... straight to the point, thank you so much. Sums up my avenue of life with my Covert 😐😑😶
I realized during the relationship and after the relationship was over with the narcissist I had to lean heavily on my own self esteem and self worth. I had to ask myself the questions.
1. What did he have that made him better than me?
2. What gives him the right to think he is in control of me and who I am?
3. Is he worth allowing him to try to abuse me verbally or mentally?
4. Who was I before he came into your life?
So many self reflection questions. Watching Dr. Carter on TH-cam. Listening to his podcast. Having the willingness to be alone and not allow him back in my life after 1st discard in April 2021. I am willing to forgive, heal, continue to live and love
Even when it's not their idea or project concept they find all ways to take over and take credit for the results.
My mother says this to me "we cannot cope with you". Well finally I decided I can't cope with being labelled paranoid, sensitive, angry, entitled, insane...
When I found out these people lied about the adoption for my precious grandbabies after my daughter was murdered, I confronted them about it. They blocked me and I can’t see my grandbabies
They think everyone needs to be in the hole they're in. If you always talk about how great you feel it really puts them off.
Thank you Dr C! I remember, at about 8 years old, thinking ‘Mom can’t handle ANYTHING! She’s like a BABY!’ It took me a couple decades to figure it all out, but even at that young age I had some truth and reality in my head.
And now I see why my sister keeps calling me a problem and getting mad at me for no real reason....
Really a phenomenon this inability to cope, to work together, to be happy to do teamwork. They are just too comfortable in their habits and routines. It's just "never think out of the box" or be "free" to do anything other than the routine. Empathy? Yep, it's just not there. Thank you once again, Dr Carter
I am learning to keep my observations to myself. I am learning to detect the insecurities in others. I am wiser and I see their behavior for what really lies behind it. I have to stay strong as I learn to allow encouragement and deflect manipulation. Thank you Dr. C
I am right there with you in the process. I want to be done with taking their insecure projections personally. I want to let go of protecting myself from the insecurely toxic people, and get back to being myself with the great folks that are around.
You’ve got this !!! Every day you will get stronger and happier.
good girl
This reminds me of the last time I unfortunately had a (one sided) conversation with my narcissistic mother. We were outside the crematorium after the funeral service of my dear friend (and one of my bridesmaids) Clare. She bowled up to my sister and I and said "Girls! I think we should talk!". My sister immediately told her that now was not the time to which we were met with mother becoming quite forceful in her reply ending with "I am your MOTHER!". The great trouble with "talking" with her is that it is one sided. We'd be in a situation where it would be her doing the talking and us being made to listen. I'm done with that. Both she and her husband cannot cope! I was called "the world's policeman" (when I'm a woman) growing up because they couldn't cope with my developing opinions etc. I am simply unable to converse with either of them and come out of it feeling respected with my thoughts and opinions being acknowledged as my own. I know where I stand with them and that's at the bottom of the manure heap. I am a much happier person away from such degradation.
I finally realised other people dont treat me like I'm a wayward child that needs to be corrected, like my sister did before I cut off contact. She thinks that bc she is older, she is entitled to tell me what to do. I finally realise others dont do that to me, they treat me like the adult. The sister dares to keep trying to be my overbearing "mother" even though we are both in our 60's. 🤔
Good for you! 🕊
@@michellehill718 thx :)
** This is a " Verbal Fact ".....My older sister told me 'one time' when she was visiting & in a public place "out of the blue" conversation, *I am prettier than you*! 🙄. What gives with that one 🧐?! (Narcissistic trait overture, I guess)
@@sallyjaynes2433 that sucks. Bet it's not true either!
My older sister is a narcissist. She and her family try to sabotage me at every chance they get. It’s exhausting.
You are absolutely right about the no sense of working together. Because they are so selfish and special-oriented, they hate anyone who does not praise them for everything. I realized that the reason I was left out of things for years, even when invited they would ignore me and pay attention to others, even not responding to things I say to show me that I was not worthy of a response, was because they were never able to intimidate me into thinking like them, so they avoid me. They invited me because I was family and they didn't want to appear like the bad ones in the family. After my parents died the brothers spent time with each other but made no attempt to spend time with me. I would hear from other family members what they were doing. I removed from my life the narcissists and all the family members who were flying monkeys for the narcissists. There was a peace in my soul that I no longer had to be with them, but there lingers, probably forever that feeling of sadness that they don't love me. It's not there all the time but once in awhile I feel it, mostly when I hear of their activities, which is the reason I don't want to hear.
I can relate. I've had to cut out my narc mother-sister duo, which meant cutting out my mother's entire side of the family. I still grieve of not having family, but the freedom from their extreme abusive narcissism is the far better option. Still in the healing process, and hopefully some day I will completely forget about them and be able to fully focus on my own personal joy.
@@AnnAndNala sometimes we grieve over what we wished could be rather than what actually is. We pretend things would be better sometime in the future so we keep hoping. The day I stopped hoping and realized emotionally and spiritually the family was dead to me, I could give up hoping and get on with my life. If God does a miracle and they change then I will forgive but unless that happens I remain a stranger to them.
It's been 10 months since I've decided to go no contact with my parents, sibling and relatives. I'm at peace and so happy. I'm
free to be me. Going no contact has given me a chance to heal and blossom into who I'm suppose to be. I have zero desire to communicate with them. I left them in God's mighty hands to do with as he wishes. I tried mending fences but you what, them fences were not for me to fix. So I walked away in peace to work on myself. Best thing I have ever done.
Go Team Healthy!
Not being loved is sad. Pretending you're loved when you know you aren't is agonizing.
@@whitneyv.8211 I am a Christian and know that we will be hated by many people often for nothing bad. In fact we will be hated by mean people because we are kind. Because of this I do not agonize over being hated by men, when Christ loves me so much.
I didn’t even know people like you existed. I grew up w addicts and narcissists. I just wanted to sit and listen to a normal adult because I wondered what went through their minds, what they thought about, what was normal. TV and TH-cam helped a lot because I was born in the 30s and we were isolated. You do much good. thank you.
So happy for you! We are glad you are here now!😊
😌😪💔💖
I came from narc mother and realized it while married to the worst narc husband. One day I sat in a family or boarding house with two men and a woman. I listened to them argue about something, and it was so REFRESHING. these three people argued with clear trains of thought, fairness, they listened to eachother, and each one had a point but was able to see each point of view with no problem. They all came to the conclusion that one man was right without manipulation words salad mind games or anyone NEEDING to be right. It may sound crazy but I felt GOOD hearing each person be heard. It was so SANE. I NEVER see that in real life (with the ppl I was closest to) so I understand what you mean. Listening to a REAL person speak is so comforting. Makes you see a light you probably never seen. I hope you understand what I mean
@@theREALESTrealistUNPOPULAR Very impressive! Yes, I understand what you mean. For many years before I didn't even imagine that there are people who can discuss and have different ways of thinking without fighting.
Yes, I know what you mean. A normal conversation is so satisfying.
It's so sad to have a false identity. I think no one suffers more than a narcisists person. I supposed they cannot bear it, si they are not concious of their huge pain
The CN comes in to help with just one small aspect of a project and starts dictating everything. It's very frustrating. The CN gets mad at me, because I tell them my plan. They throw a fit and tell me they aren't going to help me now. It's really mind-boggling. I'm talking about them just holding something together, so I can secure it. It's that simple and they freak out and get mad. This has happened countless times.
Is it wrong of me to giggle when I set a boundary and watch the narcissists around me throw a fit?
I’ve gone from feeling victimized, reacting, and trying to fix the situation they created to trying to keep a straight face when they act up.
Thank you Dr Carter.
Oh, I'd say you earned that giggle.
Hello Jodi
I find their weaknesses and pick on them . Laugh when they blow their tops
I just realized that my sister is a narcissist. I just took her as just being self righteous with a stuck up approach when she questions my thought process when I say something that ticks her off. Wow.
Dr Carter... I could never have recovered this far without your help. I watch every morning!Thanks to God my evil 😈 narcissist husband will be leaving for two weeks in a few days. Hoping to plan an escape
Everyone wish me luck
I wish you the best, Susan. And I'm honored to be on the journey with you.
Zero patience for uniqueness
Good morning beautiful creations happy healthy peaceful loving morning to all TEAM HEALTHY 🤗💞👼
I am autistic and some of these traits apply to me- which can be hard to explain to people that I am not being selfish. I need certain accommodations so I can function and get my basic needs met. with language and processing delays this can be tricky and result in breakdowns/meltdowns. I gravitate towards people who are different alway have been. your videos are very helping for me to understand the emotional abuse I received and trying to heal from it. when I have tried to work really hard to be successful in life and ignore who I am - I found I was acting like a narcissist. I was trying harder and harder to heal from the pain and abuse of narcissist and if only I could be successful in life it would prove that I am worthy... worthy of what I now see basic human respect. I was begging for crumbs - It pisses me off and I get so angry with myself I wasted so much time trying to prove to people who are invested in me being inferior
Hang in there sweetie, I am a late in life diagnosed autistic also beginning the long healing journey from almost 2 decades of NPD abuse. Meeting your own needs isn’t narcissistic hun. You’re seen 🧡 don’t apologize for being you, if you’re too much for someone, let them go - their loss. Hugs
@@bfaith2102 Thank you for your lovely comment and solidarity to you.
This describes my Dad to a tee. I have finally given up the hope that he would change and be open to a closer relationship in his old age and I am ok with that now. TY Dr C
Good for you! I am very happy you are getting the opportunity, want to, and are willing. Not everyone is able or willing to go there with certain narcissists. It's just too hard. Some of us have learned to make peace with our narcissists by making a living amends (of sorts) to other peoples loved ones, for example. It has worked for me in so many beautiful and unexpected ways over the years. It simply blows my mind every time.🕊
@@michellehill718 TY Michelle.
@@cathygauronski5354 You are very welcome Cathy! I am gratefully here to learn with you and to share my experience, strengths, and hopes.
@@michellehill718 💖
@@cathygauronski5354 Go Team Healthy!
I've commented before. After years of therapy on and off because of a narcissistic mother, you are the first therapist to lay out the details so clearly as how a narcissist behaves which is so toxic. You explain it in a concrete way with great examples that make sense... with real life examples with which I can relate. You're not up in the clouds with abstract theories which are impossible to comprehend. You are simply a gift for those of us who have been searching for help our entire lives. TY.
Spot on plus the sanctimonious attitude and behavior is astonishing. Their disconnect aka cognitive dissonance is likewise astonishing.
They can't cope with anything they can't control. They set themselves up as some kind of great, moralistic teacher whose duty it is tell everybody else how to live. It's a great high for them, looking down on the rest of us "mortal" beasts. Shame of it is, the little bit they do know isn't enough to fill the head of a pin 😅.
It's real hard for them when: #1 you say no #2 think for yourself #3 have friends
#4 don't allow them to take over your ideas #5 the cardiologist says he can't stress me out.
My Narc must've leveled up to Super Narc because he will admit to his shortcomings when in an argument, but only so he can say "at least I can acknowledge and admit to my problems, but YOU are ALWAYS right. YOU are NEVER wrong. " He doesn't believe he's got problems, but he's learned to adapt his language to appear as though he is actually self-aware.
12:05 My favourite answer to any narcissist ever!!
My (ex) narc husband actually said to me, "let's compromise and do it my way." He was dead serious. I pointed out that wasn't a compromise...he absolutely didn't get it.
I understand who I am. Covert narc in my life once told me she didn’t understand herself. I tried my best to be there for her. But I need to be there for me before I lose myself and become like her. No thanks!
After 10 solid years in a relationship with a narc...not one single adult conversation has EVER taken place without RAGE and silent treatment...period. Not one single argument has EVER been resolved...not one single time. She sure makes ALL my previous relationships appear like heaven...I find myself wondering if my ex wife would take me back. I even went so far as sending a letter to my ex telling her how great she actually was. I think I'm losing it.
Same
Try 36 years of that horrid insanity.
For me, Radical Acceptance was imperative for clarity so that the healing journey could begin. As the self work ensued, the daily Goal/Work towards my Authentic Self began and continues. Dr. Carter, Thank you for all these learning videos to support SELF Healing!!!
Same
for me, no contact with Bullying- liar Cousin & neice; a wonderful Step 1.
Its really insulting and disrespectful that they only have "self awareness" when you back off or are breaking up with them. Mine only said she realized they hurt me when i didnt talk to her or at the end of our relationship when she said she wasnt happy and we aren't compatible but wouldn't bother meeting up with me to talk about the issue or work it out. And when i decided to break up with her and go no contact. Only then did she say "i realize now that i didnt seem to want to meet up and talk about thing's". Its like yeah its a little late and very insulting that it took that for her to realize. That was what truly proved to me that she was a narcissist
The best way for me is to completely ignore her!
I appreciate how you always leave off on a positive note. You always teach us how to stand with team healthy and it's so balancing for me. I also appreciate how natural you are with the camera, talking to us though were not really face to face. You do a great job. Thank you.
Great comment. I agree 💯👏⭐️
@@noracharles9366 great comment, I agree too :) #TeamHealthy
❤🙌💯
I'm dealing with someone who is yelling his believes at me, It is so exhausting. He cannot tolerate that I don't share his belief system, neither is there any tolerance for the idea that we can each believe as we wish.
You’ve effectively saved my life, I couldn’t figure out why my own parents made me feel so awful and my mental health has driven me to some dark places, but the validation on this channel is so pure and genuine and healthy that it’s just enough to steer me to a better place
I am so grateful, Thankyou
I feel the same
mirroring them x10 is very effective, they will discard you instantly. Then life becomes peaceful
My philosophy like Shakespeare once wrote ‘To thine own self be true’
Case in point : let’s say even if you made the narcissist happy -they will find fault somewhere or somehow.
I do NOT know how to NOT know a narcissist! They are EVERYWHERE and they LIE SO MUCH! And I fit right IN! It is REALLY HARD changing all of that with which you were trained on how to SURVIVE in the developmental stages of your YOUTH!
They don't do teamwork, they want us to help them with everything but will make excuses to not be there for us. In my case she was so impulsive she'd finish with me every time we had a disagreement so I just felt insecure and anxious. Never knowing what was round the corner. We'd get back together 2 weeks later finish again.
"they want us to help them with everything but will make excuses to not be there for us" and it's so hurtful when you think of how much you do for them and how little they are willing to do for you.
@@callalilly1988 yet according to them, we're the ungrateful ones. They're totally deluded and will never change.
They have cults
Amen Dr. Carter. That is the only way to survive in this nightmare, knowing who you are and knowing it is not your problem how they are and refuse to play their games. Being a member of Team Healthy is the key and not losing yourself in the nightmare. Thank you for all that you do helping us to survive Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy. May you be blessed.
The narcissist in my life is a “whole lot of not my problem” so I went no contact. These are another person’s words but I think it is very good advice.
Work with several narcissists from the president of the company to the head of the maintenance department. Moody, opinionated, abrasive, dismissive, easily agitated. Their behavior, especially the president's, is toxic to the whole atmosphere of the company on the shop floor and in the office as well.
During my divorce, my ex-narcissistic/borderline husband said "Now you can live your life the way that you want to." I saw this as him acknowledging his need to be in control and refusal to allow me to have my own thoughts, feelings, and opinions in the marriage. He would always tell me what I was thinking and feeling. I am very self-aware and I think that my self-awareness and insistence on equality and both sides being heard/respected was a threat to him. These videos have been super helpful as a resource for helping me to understand and to heal from many years of abuse and gaslighting. Thank you so very much Dr. C!
Because we are learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries that serves us regardless what narcissists think we should do or not do. Trusting yourself more and more. Educating yourself about the topic. Knowledge is power. Utilizing the different strategies including (the JADE method, Gray rock, No Contact) Not allowing the narcissists to destroy your life by running it for you. Having faith 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻enjJOYing your life. Trust the universe.
I can’t believe I am just now hearing the term “Jade method.” Had to look it up. TFS
End supply to them (i.e. no contact). If family, love ❤️ from a distance.
HECK YEAH!!!! I haven't heard about JADE, but I will look into it. I have a Narcissist manager for 7 years at a GREAT JOB that I have had for 22 years, so I am kind of stuck unless I find better people. I just got promoted by the NARCISSIST'S NEW BOSS, though, and I feel like it is a great position with expert level folks who will see through his act.
Ah, don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. YES! That is essentially what I have learned the last two years. If someone is tying you up with toxic energy you simply stop engaging with them as a useful person. They become a toddler you simply redirect with positive dismissal. My manager complained that I talked about music too much with a studio tech in my media job during a tour of the tech's studio. I simply smiled and cheerfully said "It's all work-related. It's all media... Have a good lunch!" and parted ways.
True
A narc summed up in one word "uncooperative".
Yes.
Boy I needed this. Perfect timing, to pull me out of depression. Thank you.
Keep leaning forward, Susan!
It's true because I recently found out a nurse went behind my back to tell my orthopedic surgeon that I wasn't being compliant in an attempt to gaslight me at one of my follow up appointments.
I usually get narcissist who wants me for a skill they don't have: Music Production. In the end they put themselves in the credits on the album as “Music & Lyrics by: Mr Narc”. I get the credit: “Synthesizers: Mr L”.
When I dragged him to a therapist (who I didn't know), he was shocked, SHOCKED, when at the end of the hour the therapist said to him, 'Well, whave lots of work to do. " He said, "ME??? SHE has all the problems!!!" And was sincere! He went three times and got angrier each time, then quit in a rage at me, the therapist and the world.
That happened to me a time or two as well.
You got 3 visits?!? Wow. I have a new hero.
Wow! I so relate to your story. My husband went one time to a therapist I had never met. He came back furious and said she reminded him of me! Then said it was all my problem anyway and I should continue my therapy until I got better. I finally moved out.
My narc neighbour's behaviour never ceases to amaze us. I'm a bit younger than her, but differences between us are more generational. She's a bit of a nosy, fuddy duddy whereas I try to be carefree and mind my own business We have mutual interests which I outshine her in. Deep down she must recognise this but she insists on competing with me. She is fighting a war she'll never win but she will never surrender. We're trying to move but a problem with the deeds and their refusal to cooperate means we're stuck here until Land Registry resolve the problem unilaterally. So far this has taken over a year. In effect we are being held captive. She clings to us like her life depends on it. She's like a drowning person who, even though they recognise your strength, won't let you rescue them but keep trying to pull you down with them instead. You try evey tactic in the book but, in the end, know the only way is to prise their clinging fingers from you, one by one, and swim away as they drift until they latch onto someone else.
Doc the whole world needs you. If only..
I needed to hear this video today, also.
My mother just passed the way and I realise that, the 2 flying monkeys, of my brothers are the golden children and narcissistic. (My sister and I are the scapegoat, or black sheep)
Thank you Dr Les. ❤️
I wanna have a relationship with my mom before she passes but it has to be on my terms
She’s visited me here twice.
My brother is the golden child too! Italians are crazy! I stay away
Early morning hours waking me up, fighting. Telling me he is my boss and my authority. I have to do everything he tells me to do and go where he wants me to go and when he wants us to go. Will never listen to me or discuss what I think. He ask me what I want just to reject it and then later hold it against me
How many others out here live separate lives? Mine stays upstairs in the house and only comes down to get himself things to eat. Then back upstairs. Cannot have a conversation , has slept in another room since day one. I have just been learning about this and now I'm 65. I want to leave but hear bad things about a divorce when your older. Now what?
Civility respect dignity - awesome!
Hi Dr C from Australia 👋🏼 🇦🇺 I’m trying to remember all those dramas were not about me. That’s why I couldn’t “fix” us. it’s really nice to be part of this group 😊
My ex was very intelligent in so many ways, so lack of curiosity and interest, and shockingly little self awareness just seemed so odd to me for so many years. It was when the patterns of complete detachment and passive aggressive behaviour just repeated and repeated with no positive change for growth I finally saw the light. Exhausting 10yrs of my life.
They have no sense of teamwork. That definitely hit home.
3wks out and no contact,
Now I recall the satisfying life I lived before I met Diana 3yrs ago and married her
No more gigs without disruption and chaos and embarrassing me in front of a crowd before I was set to perform, lovely!
There is too much life and love and peace to spread,
and the toxic waste must be cleaned up along the way
"Princeless" Diana!