From commitment to nonexistent... what happened? - Susan Winter
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 ต.ค. 2024
- Your partner’s the one who urged you to move ahead in your relationship. Now, they’re the one who’s backed away. Why? Here’s what happened and here are your options.
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As seen on OPRAH, bestselling author/relationship expert Susan Winter (Allowing Magnificence and Older Women/Younger Men) writes, speaks and coaches on evolutionary forms of loving partnership and higher thinking. Media credits include: THE OPRAH SHOW, THE TODAY SHOW, GOOD MORNING AMERICA, ABC/CBS/NBC EVENING NEWS, CNN, BBC, COSMO, HARPERS BAZAAR, PEOPLE, FORTUNE, BUSINESS INSIDER, NEW YORK MAGAZINE, THE LONDON TIMES, and THE NEW YORK TIMES. In radio, Susan is a frequent guest on NPR, ABC, PLAYBOY RADIO (Sirius), and CBS NEWS RADIO. Her articles can be found on THE HUFFINGTON POST, and THE GOOD MEN PROJECT. www.susanwinter.net
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." - Mark Twain.
Jim Mott, very well said!
Anyone who quotes Mark Twain is alright by me. :)
This sums up what I have been fumbling to say to my friends!!!! Absolutely. I know this wrecks self esteem.
Yep I ended up in a situation like that
Can't be said better!
Been there, done that. This type of person will give you the most amazing first few months and when you fall for them they will pull the rug away from under your feet. They want you to seek them out, beg them to talk about the issue and try to make things work, they love this, thrive on this and once you feel secure again, they drop you like a hot potatoe again. The cycle will continue as long as you can take it. By the end you will be so drained, confused, insecure and sad that you will not know what hit you. Had I known this 9 months ago, I would have left him after the third month or so when he first pulled away.
The same experience.. Its been 6 weeks since I blocked him but Im still hurting and feeling so bad.. Hate the fact I have him so much chances.. Dont even feel attractive anymore only insecure
Just remember, it's not you, it's him. He's the one with issues, real psychological issues. They have such low self esteem that they have to drain you of yours. Don't let it happen. Someone worthwhile is out there wishing to meet someone exactly like you.
Dagmar Wertheimova , I'm single man looking for a good relationship in life
Solana ,So true
Dagmar Wertheimova You are very beautiful! Go out, have fun! You will find men who are 1000% better than him. Then, he will come knocking at your door when you least expect it.
It's extremely frustrating, especially the feeling that you're pushing them further away with your insistence on clarity and explanation. The feeling that they made a big mistake and will regret it but haven't yet. And they won't even talk about it or take any responsibility. It is cruel to not give the other person a closure.
I agree, but they're usually very immature. It's hard to talk to such a person, it's hard to open
I love this woman! She’s like my virtual bestie who gives the best dating advice
This just happened to me this morning. It was totally illogical. I will be fine, and move forward because there is nothing else to do.
This is my biggest fear when it comes to dating and relationships. Its very scary to give your time and energy to someone only to have them completely abandon you. Its hard to trust someone completely. I think if you look back at this person's past, your bound to find red flags. Im 25 and dont date because of this reason. Its too terrifying. Then once this person is gone, you have to start all over again with someone new only to be open to the possibility of this new person ghosting you too. I think its safer being single 😂😂😂❤️
Preach. This happened to me not once but twice. I am 24 and after these 2 experiences I am literally terrified to date again. Feels like the only functional people are already taken.
A G90 I suffer from anxiety and extreme awkwardness. Dating isnt for me. And im ok with that. I rather sit alone on the weekend then be out with someone and having my anxiety sky rocket. Its very uncomfortable living with anxiety.
@@SamanthaN92 I understand you perfectly. I also suffer from anxiety and mild depression. It has ruined relationships and friendships for me. Being by yourself can be comforting but I don't think we are engineered as humans to be completely alone. I truly wish you find someone to accept you as a whole, anxiety is just a small part of who you are. The problem is finding someone patient and kind enough to want to know the full you.
A G90 Not only that love, but many guys dont want to deal with a girl that wont have sex. Most guys dont want to wait till marriage or years to have sex. Once guys realize they need to wait a long time, their out. And whats sad is most women will sleep with a guy immediately so those guys usually will find those type of girls. I actually function well when im alone. When I have to socialize i feel so drained after.
@@SamanthaN92 well it is good that you are standig by your beliefs. You shouldn't compromise for anyone. I did so when I rushed into losing the v card. I really regret it, he was a monster of a human being with no respect for women whatsoever. So i d advise you to wait it out. Its better :)
"the idea was fun, but the doing was just too difficult." very poignant indeed
So upsetting.
Could be a blessing too!
The universe is removing trash from your life .
It worked for me.💪💞
@Keep Rocking! No he was trash!
Meant it exactly how i said it.
Ms. Peaches I totally agree with you. Unfortunately, some people are trash. The guy/girl below is a moralist because he/she has never met a malignant narcissist who tricks you into their game with fake promises, just to leave you behind in a heartbeat. If we talk about someone who proposes to you, who wants to have children with you, someone who tells you "I love you, baby. You are the love of my life" on Sunday, then backs off by Monday, we are talking about a person who is immature, mentaly disordered and evil to the core. A person who plays with other people feelings to their own gain. A person who has a love and sex addiction and they will do it over and over again with the next victim. We are talking about evil and lack of consciousness. They often are remorseless, too. Most will never get back to their victims to even appologize for their abherant behaviour. So, yep this confirms your theory that they are trash.
@Keep Rocking! Then it's a lot of trash people including yourself for making mistakes. Sorry but not sorry!
Ir ME Very Well Said, and thank you for your voice regarding this heartbreaking truth, as a survivor of narcissistic abuse I appreciate everything you said and it was a balm to my healing.
Tanya Robinson You're welcome, Tanya! I am very happy to be able to help you and other people in their recovery. I have studied this phenomena for a long time, and it is not us. It is NPD's fault.
Fear of the unknown, emotional insecurity and unwillingness to take risk are relationship killers. You will never be in a truly loving relationship unless you accept and embrace the risks and uncertainties.
Susan you are 100 percent correct. People say they want authenticity and direct communication no games but when I display this and be my true authentic self most can’t or don’t want this!
Yep this has happened a lot to me, they come on strong then they fade out, and when you call them out on it they backpeddle!
k Meg I have experienced this twice.
k meg ,how are you doing, I like you
I'm a 36 years n a single man looking for good relationship in life
I concur
Kesha Powell ,looking cute
This is unbelievable true and is honestly one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced.
You bonded with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder in the majority of these cases. Their pathology means their (frankly childish) emotions are always diallled up x 5! You were idealized unbelievably (and probably know that level was a red flag, if honest!) The issue is they also come with a massive fear of being hurt / being engulfed! That means once life reality settles in for them - and they are no longer obsessed /idealising you - their irrational fears kick in. At this stage they will either start behaving irresponsibly / inconsiderately (as you are also no longer 'perfect') and their true cold, ruthlessly self-absorbed pathology comes to the fore!
One of the worst issues is the average human being will want to understand what his going on (desperately so if in love!) But the now non -invested BPD will re-interpret (and even smear ) this natural behaviour as; 'clinging / needy / stalking'. Sadly, you were in an ultimate no -win situation with someone incapable - outside of long -term treatment - to sustain a mature , reciprocal, supportive relationship. And if you're lucky you will find out exactly what you were dealing with, learn all about the signs these types always bring to their destructive relationship 'internal blueprint'.
Great job as ever, Susan!
Such a smart comment. U pinned it down. Good Job. People Need to know that.
This seems to describe what I went through very recently. Problem is I still love her and want her back.
I have just got out of a relationship like this perfect 4 months together then boom! no get out of jail free card...just punishment...."You destroyed the best relationship I ever had!" Two months after break up and a litany of punishments for my 'betraying him" he unblocked me to ask me just to delete all photos I had of him.....I have finally woke up to his true nature....walking away.
thanks for an intellectual comment Beej J :)
@@ZooomaCW I love mine too...but he's not available for an adult relationship with me. I'm moving on.
I’m going through this right now but I don’t think calling him and showing him that I care about him is an good idea because in the end I’m looking for a real man who meant everything he said and did not a confused kid
Hadeel Almutairi : I agree that No Contact is best. When my ex broke up via text msg, I never replied & no calls. These people hav to deal w/ their own issues. If they care enough, they will reach out. Otherwise, let them go🖐🏾.
Yeah I would also rather find a real woman than hope one who ended up being disrespectful and uncaring coming back.
@@alliemaxwell8382 did he ever come back
I wish I had had this video like 2+ years ago when I was dealing with a guy that was exactly this. He talked all a good game about a future together and seemed so invested in the relationship and then poof basically ghosted me and went cold even though nothing seemed wrong in the relationship and everything seemed to had been going well up until then
Hello Susan,
it's what we can call caramel with poison, with this expression I mean people who act like this are incapable to deal with emotions and have relationships in a deep level. Mostly because they can't even handle with their shadows. We are talking about people who have 30's, 40's, 50's years old and they act like child. This is childish and immature. It's not acceptable or even understandable. Living in the era where relationships goes to the trash bin like yogurt packages go. It's sad, so sad.
People should wake up and actually make this people feel, feel the pain and confusion they provoque against the ones who out there and believe in love and real relationships.
We always should over a relationship with dignity, always! We should always respect other human being, always! And I think this is something really important to teach kids at school, teach them no matter what we should treat others with dignity!
If someone promises you a Castle, prefer always a simple and modest house ;)
Hi Alexandra. Great commentary. Thank you for this share.
Alexandra Maria Dos Santos ,so true
So true. These are men nearly 60 acting this way sorry no hope if they haven't got there act together by now with women!
This is the first time I have allowed this to happen to me despite the glaring red flags (they are always there), things this person said himself (he was aware of what he was doing and was feeding me the script along with the disclosure forms), and my gut (always, always will listen to it from this point on). I think a question one should ask is not "why" someone is behaving this way, but is this behavior acceptable to you. The best way to test their intentions and interests is to set boundaries and state expectations and do it firmly. You will soon see them reveal their cards and show their true face...it is oftentimes not pretty since many times they had a malicious intent all along. Anyone over the age of 30 should be self-aware enough not to have confusion destroy their relationships or know that they are not yet suited for dating so others don't get hurt. Others are knowingly using their love interests for their selfish games.
This exact thing happened to me. She kept telling me how much she liked me and how I was doing everything right and then almost overnight, she did a sudden 180 and bolted. Just like you say, I was there on my shrink's couch reading message after message about how she adored me and vacations and on and on. It was so incredibly painful, still is years later. And she tried to break up over text message!!! These people are broken and they pass it on to you. This might be worse than contracting an STD.
Todd H It is much worse than a STD. Worse than 10 Stds in a row.
Truly! I've been there multiple times.
The fact that they are Unable/refuse to give you closure
IS YOUR CLOSURE
I felt bad for you, man. It happened to me too.
Sometimes, they are not born that way, probably bad parenting, bad relationship, social media, feminism, and/or overly romantic movie/drama/novel, ruined her.
You deserved better.
@@faizalamir9335 what's got to do with feminism? People's issues and feminism are 2 different things
So true, make perfect sense! However, I decided I will not reach out for further communication for the second time. I tried once when I noticed he pulls away (now I regretted I revealed too much in my clarification with him, too naive), he did show intention to reconnect, however felt bit reluctant, then he went back to silence till now. I knew he was into me but I can sense his insecure inside. In the middle of his pulling away, I have figured this out. It can be either of following cases: he is still into me but he feels insecure, or he needs space, or his interest level has dropped, or he is seeing other woman. For any of these case, there is no point to contact him again. Now I don't even need a closure from him as I can close the case by myself. Life is too short, I wish him well but it's not my job to fix his issue (we only start dating), or in other case, no point to think a man who is no longer thinking of me. Life goes on, get busier in my own life, start to chat new people, to learn to be stronger and more resilient, and keep the faith that I will meet The One at the end!
Love bombing? These are 'teenagers' who either go all in or nothing, there's no middle ground for them. In the beginning, they expect 24hrs with u, to choose them over everyone(even your kid or mum), to literally die for them. Always be wary with ppl who go extremme like this, who also give up very easily too
This just happened to me. It was so bizarre.. things were going great, and then poof! He completely disappeared. I've been racking my brain on what I had done wrong.. it's actually been quite hurtful. This just made so much sense to me.. thank you for giving me some clarity.
Absolutely perfect video. Smh..as adults, why are we going through this? I had better relationships (consistency, communication knowing that they wanted to for sure be with me) in high school! What in the world is happening?! Consistency is key. If you create doubt in my mind, I"m gone.
This happened to me. Watching Susan's videos helped me find peace and balance again.
Susan, have you ever heard of “Dream Selling”? This sounds like a game which players play for the “win or big kill”, barring the genuinely confused. A certain kind of player will tell you anything that he thinks you want to hear in order be in control, get you to comply and for a dose of validation. The few times men have tried it on me, I just thought it was weird. I knew it wasn’t for real because it was too fast, too soon. I just walk away from these toxic types. The reality is, they tend to havens incredibly deep seated sense of low self esteem. There isn’t enough validation in the world for them. It is very sad, actually. 🙌 🙏
Holy cow, you topic is the first and only video to echo exactly my situation. I hated to say I was blindsided by my break up but I was. A month prior to him breaking up with me, we were asking the bank about mortgage options to buy a house together. Thank you so much for making this video. I thought I was by myself in this situation. It hurts like hell still the pain of this relationship and the break up.
Completely my life right now with my ex. Thank you for the video!
Mine too.
susan I can’t tell you how helpful your videos are. this helped me make so much more sense on what happened & help me accept some people are just whimsical or are chasing fantasy. she chased me, asked me out, made the plans, made the statements, invited me to a wedding, & suddenly pulled away after 3-4 months. i’ve been so confused blaming myself, but thank you for adding some clarity & reassurance
This happened to me very recently with a guy I was dating for a month. What you have said to explain why this has happened makes so much sense so thank you for making me feel like it's not my fault and that I can accept it for what it is. xx
Susan, you are the best. In the end, you remind us that we are human beings with illogical flaws. When it doesn’t make sense accept and move forward. Time to hold a new vision and trust the process. Not ruminating is sage advice but can be difficult. Get interested in something bigger and better and quickly. Embrace all aspects of the ride of life, ups and downs. Play with it all.
Ohh my god ..mam ..you are so damn correct!!..and it's really feel like...there is something wrong within us or in our behaviour..bt the thing is these people never satisfy bcz they have a fantasy...to get a perfect partner. Thank you
Thank you, currently going through this and it’s heartbreaking.
Your insight always is relevant Susan! Thanks for what you do for people trying to figure out where they have experienced difficulties.
Susan this was very informative. I understand relationships so much better listening to your channel. It all makes so much sense. Wish I had known it on the past.
Thank you Lexy. You've made me smile!
Hi Susan - another great video! I love your practical and common sense approach and you're absolutely right, someone who is clear minded and logical struggles to make sense of illogical behavior. My experience has been even when you communicate caring and confusion, if the person is avoidant and passive aggressive, communication about the issue is NOT going to happen - there is no closure. It's frustrating as hell but as you've said in your videos before, sometimes you just don't get good 'material' to work with :-)
Well, 2019 seems year of Cluster B (DSM) for me lolzz. Me being an INFJ has encountered 2 girls this year - fist turned out to be a narcissist whereas the second seems to be a BPD. Both my "relationships" has been on honeymoon phase for around 4 months followed by a phase of devaluation. Seriously, we need to be more aware of these mental disorders to save our valuable energy. Thanks Susan for yet another fantastic video.
I just discovered Susan's videos yesterday to help me work through a painful break-up, and these have provided such comfort and sanity in a truly insane situation. This one was particularly insightful. What a gift she is.
Dear Susan, just wanted to say, that your energy, expression, your voice, tone just perfect resonate to me, to truth, you are definitely so much influentual
This describes my last relationship ... I couldn't make sense of it but you cleared it up for me. Thanks!
Stumbled across this vid and it's deffo helped.
Had a situation a few months back with a girl I was dating for about 6/8 weeks. Had an instant click, she told me how important i was to her, I was the complete/total package, a keeper, saying I'll meet her family in time and that how happy she was we met. Fast forward a week after our last date, was cold and distant no longer asking questions sensed it straight away. Then it was I'm to busy to be involved with anyone at the moment, but said we could catch up at a later date for a coffee. Then about a month later I asked her about that be great to see her etc, then she turned round and told me that the time apart made her think there would be something missing between us she doesn't know what it is but she ways easily loses interest and hates herself for it. I asked well what would be missing, she said that I'm too nice for her, said quote "I'm an alpha female, need an alpha male with big character" I was so confused by what had changed suddenly with what had been said, so this vid has helped with the people are whimsical, it happens it really did confuse and frustrate me knowing that I possess them traits she wants. Thanks for the vid.
Susan knows what's up! I've been there a number of times.
Thank you thank you for these answers I needed! EXACTLY.
It's been one of the hardest breakups in my life and it was never even called a relationship, although it was - by all the 'criteria' - he just refused to call it that way. And after wanting to meet my father and bunch of other over the line ideas and statements, he became weird and distant and after a month just symply called it off. It had been 4 most irrational months of my life.
Wow! You are very clear. So appreciate your in-depth points.
Remarkable. Thank you.
This video addresses my recent experience in such detail that it's almost as if you made it just for me. Thank you. She was 110% in and I went with her because it felt amazing. For a month it was as if I'd found my forever person. Then one night she told me how attractive I was to her, how she wanted to make me happy, how she was so glad we'd connected, and the next morning she became distant. Over the days to come it was as if she suddenly came up with a dozen reasons not to proceed, and then broke up with me. I'm confused and hurt, but I wouldn't do it any differently if I could.
Same just happened to me. First month was great I put my walls down and took her in. Month 2 poof gone barely get a few words out of her when we spoke month 3 non existent and end of that month she dumped me. Hope you're doing better now I'm still in the slumps
Thank you so much for posting this 🙏 It’s happened to me multiple times, & I could just not wrap my head around it. This gives me a sense of peace that I’m not crazy after all, haha.
This happened with my recent ex twice. It was just for a month. Suspecting she is BPD, I didn't do the "I care about you/this" talk. I did it the first time, but not the second time. In a few weeks period before the second time she actled like she was disgusted by me. So, I got pissed and slammed the door. I doubt myself time to time, but I appreciate my self-respect and strength and righteous anger.
OMG that’s exactly it! He planned everything we had future plans, messaged me countless times a day.
Now disappeared 8 months into our relationship we only told each other we loved each other 4 weeks ago??!!
Been there very painful and 😕 confusing and unfair . But they did call later to say they loved me then and were confused and didn't know what they wanted then, it was healing because I knew what actually happened later but it was too late but it helped me to know their honest feelings.
Right on time, just happend to me today.
Yes thank you your advice is invaluable and does bring clarity.
THANK YOU!!!! i just had that happened to me. he didn't make any sense even when i tried talking about it.
It's the internet and dating sites especially.Even when people find a match they keep looking for the bigger prize.This one will do till someone better comes along lol.We are all guilty to some extent.I have become jaded and now I do the same thing before I inevitably get dumped.Hate to admit it but this is what is happening.
frank radtke I also believe in that, I there’s too many options nowadays so they can’t stop! Reminds me an episode of how I met you mother where Barney’s phone doesn’t stop ringing and he can’t stay with just one woman. Hehe
The reasons behind everything is that everyone is just so damn scared.
My ex and I, we are both very young (start of our 20's) he was thw sweetest guy, then broke up out of nowhere, it was all fake... Haha he has a new girlfriend now (just 2 months later of the bu) thank you for everything, you are wonderful Miss Susan ❤️
Thank you for your kind comment.
I was in this exact same situation a couple of years back. Was with her for 4 months, cared for her and her kids, everything was awesome and then with no warning bam! I was out. Excuses like I don't know what to do, I'm confused blah blah.
It was horrendous as I love and do in fact still love her. BUT the past year or so have been sooooo much better. Travelling extensively, writing etc.
This is going to sound weird but in some ways I think she was threatened by me, intimidated by what I represented. Not like her fat, loser ex (her words). But the better the devil you know and its just easier for her to downgrade and be with a petty and pathetic man than with someone like me. What an idiot!
Susan you are sooo special, real & amazing! Wow! An incredible insight & gift you have! Love you, god bless! Rx
I’ve seen that I’m not the only one, but yep that’s exactly what happened to me 2 months ago. And in my case she’s still in contact even I try do avoid. It seems you were talking to me! Thanks Susan
Susan, hi! I've been seeing a man for 7 months, we became close friends and do a lot of things/go on trips together. He tried to take things further twice. First, it was after first few meetings and he freaked out and told me that our long term plans are not compatible. We remained seeing each other as friends and grew closer. He shared that he's been in 4 long term relationships and hasn't fully healed after the last one that was pretty traumatic. I told him a man I dated a year ago wants to meet and he was so jealous. Next time we met he shared his real future plans and apologised for freaking out the first time and wanted to date again. However that didn't last long as he got scared soon after we increased the frequency of our meetings. He does discuss his fears with me, asking if I can understand that. He's again keeping me at distance. I do know he has feeling for me but I am unwilling to tolerate this any longer for the sake of my self respect. I have feelings for him and he's everything I ever wanted. We mirror each other and have both improved through this relationship, but of course cannot proceed this way and on his terms. I am wondering what are your thoughts on this and how it's best to proceed. Can it be temporary, that he's just not ready or it's a personality thing? I would really appreciate your advice.
Viola Gillmore ,I'm a single man looking for good relationship in life, I'm 36 years
Hi Viola. It's good that you both have open communication. That's a start. If you want to discuss this in detail, please call me on Magnifi or book a session on my site.
Great channel and coaching💪Thank you so much 🙏
Happened to me. Only a short term relationship but the most love I have ever felt! Telling me we would have kids and be married, my gut knew this was all too much but I ignored it since I had been so deprived of female company for so long. A few days after I meet her kids, which was a big thing, she ends it by text saying it wont work! Hard to process it, if we'd been rocky for a while, I'd understand it.
Thank you to make this clearer.. I was so confuse and your explanation did help.. Thanks Susan I like your work.
Susan, you look great! And thanks for advice❤
You always seem to put things in perspective! Thank you for your UNIQUE WISDOM! I am forever grateful! 🔥NAMASTE🔥
Wow thank you so so much for this I had never heard the term Whimsical used to describe a personality but that's definitely what's happened to me.
A long time friend who finally stepped into having a relationship with me within a month walked away and said he was seeing someone else and left me in the cloud of confusion as you described. I use no contact which helped to get him to settle down and have a real conversation but again it's all upon him it wasn't anything I did or said it was his inability to build something real because he was Whimsical what great advice thank you so much
Dated a guy for 2 years and for the most part it was wonderful. We were having some disagreements then he decided rather then work through it, he dumped me!
After a week he started texting me like we are good friends. Nothing about loving me, missing me, wants to talk, work it out etc. Its like we were never a couple. I felt like I was being strung along. Getting my hopes up then I get hurt again and again. I could not handle the emotional pain. I went no contact 9 days ago. He has tried to text again and I won’t reply. It’s devastating!!
I’m trying to get past this but it’s very hard. I hope he just moves on and never contacts me again. Any advice is welcome.
Snow Flake
Not always. At that age especially, it can be just a crush he’s too young to tell the difference from his feelings for you. Susan has another insightful video (I don’t remember which title) in which she explains how in such cases it’s on him not to expect you to go back to where you were in the past.
Do you know you're the best coach? Thanks beautiful lady.
The message I needed, thank you.
exactly what happened to me. she was fishing for the relationship and later was fishing for engagement. honestly I was happy and told her let's do it in a few months when we finish our respective postgrad exams. when we were done she hesitated then ghosted me. very fucking heartbreaking. it's true she failed her exams and was stressed lol but I'm very disappointed in her.
Susan, mine did the jumping after nearly six years together. I think he had a midlife crisis and it's the most painful experience I've ever had. And I've had a few! He had someone he had his eyes on for awhile, a bit of a party girl (woman; we're in our 50s and 60s). Wives of MLC men have the marriage but I have nothing but our beautiful time together to hold on to. We had a beautiful relationship right up until the day he used an invalid excuse to tell me he wanted to "take time off from our relationship." Then I found out about her; she lives in another state. He asked me for that "time off" by text. The man is a dentist; so much for intelligence.
Thank you so much Susan! It just has happened to me recently.
So spot on , I'm seeing this right now
😢 I am going through this right now ! The exact same thing :(
True you cant make sense out of nonsense the honeymoon phase is great when the dust settles its make or break I was in it to win it but unforeseen family drama omg
Wow omg this was exactly my situation during the whole month of September!! Thanks so much Susan for this!! :D
Thank you.
So articulate
Why can't these people be consistent? and are these the people that will continue this pattern regardless of what relationship they're in?
Wonderful as always Susan!
Can you do a video about being with someone who has an avoidant personality disorder? Is a long term committed relationship possible? How does the non avoidant handle their need for alone time? What is the best way to help them see their value?
Thank you!
Hi sunclover. I'll pass this on to my staff for our review. Thanks for the idea.
@@SusanWinter thank you for the consideration 😊
If you are not yet involved with an avoidant, run in the opposite direction and save yourself from an unhappy, unsatisfied life. I dated an avoidant for 9 months and the relationship damaged my selfesteem very deeply. I read a lot about attachment theory and the anxious/avoidant couple, it's all pretty hopeless. The relationship will las as long as your sanity because it triggers you and it satisfies him to be so desired. They are incapable of real intimacy but know exactly how to fake it so they keep reeling you in and pushing you away. Run, as fast as you can. That's my 2 cents.
Read the book Attached. It's very clear and it helped me escape my fate.
Thank you for the input.😊 I have read that book. We've been together for 2 years. I'm not at all unhappy with him. And to tell the truth, I kind of like the freedom that comes with dating someone who needs alone time. Allows me up to pursue other areas of my life, like friends and work. Lol
However I would like to see if we can take it to the next level. He's not so sure. I guess we're exploring that option. Would love to hear what Susan has to say about it! I believe I was able to get this far with him due in part to some of her great advice.
yeah the 'i'm confused' excuse....despite one week prior being atop mt everest. it's like...what transpired between then and now to have this drastic of an emotional drop. not even a fight or anything. just ice cold recoil
I had this recently. He committed us within 3 weeks. At 2 months, we had a hard conversation and I admit that I gave advice he did not ask for. But he pulled way back, said he no longer was excited, and him intuition told him to get out. I am heartbroken.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet, Michelle. Don't waste time and energy on a selfish, immature man who doesn't value you.
@@TheRegalWoman yes yes, if they dont work out date wise they are "bad or defective" .
a version of "men bad women good."
love all your vidz love lots susan
I’ve experienced this recently with 60 year old man. Figured out this was his pattern in all of his relationships. We went out 15 years ago and we couldn’t remember why we broke up because things were well with us. Now I know why.... He pushed for a committment, exclusivity, really fast. While I enjoyed our short time together, I was also waiting for the other boot to drop as I suspected he would disappear again. He turned a 30 second conversation about white attire for a white party into an argument over the phone, I was thinking WTH is he talking about, I was dumbfounded by his quickness to anger for something so minuscule. Well, that was his way out, his confessed insecurities have been working on him and he found an excuse to run. It’s kind of funny because he did confess that 15 years ago when we were seeing each other, he felt he was falling in love with me and that scared him so he ran.... He also stated he had grown-up and changed and wouldn’t be that jerk again....Well... He definitely lied about that. Lunacy at its worst. I’m glad I didn’t dive all in but it is still disappointing.
After the break up pain my ex came back and now she is doing and saying all the right things for about 3 months now. Everything's been great... Sooo when I least expected it, I have recently accidentally meet another gal.
Her personality, her voice, her looks have got me thrown into a tailspin. She constantly compliments how nice and nice looking I am. It could be short-lived lust if I act on it and ruin something else that's good. And/or she could be the one. I was lonely and miserable about a year ago. Yep, total talespin.
So far I'm doing nothing while my head gets bigger and my confidence has turned around 180.
There are also people who are just mentally ill. I found one and had to get rid of him when he got violent. This story is verbatim what happened early in the relationship..
Perfect description of Me..
yes I'm that person who's not going suffering for the rest of my life for her fantasies. ..
I like your talk's
If this is their first time disappearing and it's still new, is it best to give them some time to figure things out on their end? My gut feeling tells me he truly likes me but his actions are sometimes off. There are weekends when he's with his friends and weekends we are together. I never complain about him being with his friends - honestly it gives me time to do my own thing. This last weekend he asked me if he should go to this country music festival, I said of course! You'll have a blast! - this was on a Saturday and I left Sunday to go camping with my family. I was a little bummed that I wasn't going to see him before I left but I knew (so I thought) he'd be there when I got back and it was the last day this festival was going on until next year and I wanted him to enjoy himself - never said I was upset and I only encouraged him to go and I was genuinely excited for him. Next day came and I asked him how it was, nothing. It became later on in the day and I messaged asking if he was alive with a little "haha" added to it, he responded - said he woke up late and said he was out golfing and had a friends going away party later, I said "sounds like you have a busy fun day ahead of you" - then nothing. The next day I sent a "hey you, just wanted to say goodnight and hope you have a great day at work tomorrow" text - and nothing... I'm extremely confused and am not sure what to do. I'm keeping busy this whole week and trying to wait before reaching out - I'd rather him reach out next since I don't want to feel like I'm bothering him. If let's say 10 days does go by and I don't hear from him, is it too much to reach out one last time or would that be the time to cut my loses. I honestly have no idea what happened..
SamanthaD wow so sorry . Perhaps this was a stage in the relationship, but you handed it as well as you could. this is happening to me too! Any update??
Once again a big thanks..I have since learn this term..
Fear of emotional intimacy...
What to do?
That's what is happening exactly with me ...💔
After taking a few years to heal…..I tried dating again. I met someone who felt like was right for me…….it all came crashing down in a snap. I can’t make sense of it……I’m heartbroken.
This just happened to me abt 1 month ago. I was dating a guy abt 10 mo & he sed he wanted to get married, plan trips & evrything. All of a sudden he sent me a text msg saying it’s not the right time to be in a relationship. Honestly- I never replied. At the least, I deserved a fone call/real conversation so I could understand wat was going on w/ him. I hav my thoughts- he”s overweight & has insecurities & fears he’s not handling. I had to accept his decision & trust the right man for me will come. I’m glad it ended before I wasted more time w/ an emotionally weak man😪
Did he ever come back or apologize
@@Kloutkulture: Not yet.
@@alliemaxwell8382 same thing just happened to me a week ago
Susan my wife is like this now, she is in midlife crisis, she out of the blue wants to end our 23 year relationship. do i show her support with space or walk away ? i love her deeply, how do you deal with a woman in crisis ? she said she is done, she has anger inside.
It's exactly what my partene does to me , but i suggested the breakup if he can't hadel the commitment in our relationship ! And he refused the idea saying he loves me and he wants to live his life with me ...but the actions are like a glass rock , he stpoed calling me , he dosn't bring the idea of meating each other , he don't text or ask about me , if i send good morning then it's a goodmorning msg if i send goodnight then it's a good night msg ! I'm in love with him but I can't accept this behavior because the less caring he is rhe more depressed I am !
I once knew a guy who confessed to me (after having done the same to me) -- that he just loves to chase women's hearts and make them fall in love with him- then to let them go and head on for the next one... go figure --!!! and now the question, are there any cool normal people around anymore?
Love your tops n talks
i was in a 8 year relationship, my ex left me twice, the first time for another guy, second time i think it was for another guy just because she told me all the same excuses as the first time. no real clear reason, saying she wants a man whos like this and like that and whos family loves her and all this crap. i begged her not to leave me again. she even came back and said she wanted to work on things, then quickly changed her mind. the person i knew and loved is not the same person any more, it just doesnt make sense
Just happened to me after 14 months- 180 out- even saying the have love for me, but don’t want to be in a romantic relationship now, for his kids sake. Seriously confused. He was divorced 5 years and children in their 20s. Professional therapist for marriage and family, go figure. Cannot make sense of insanity. Cut him off after bye-bye. What a waste.
Ex bf of 4.5 years broke up with ne over fb msgr. He said I was toxic... When he was the one always starting the verbal abuse and I was just usually expressing my feelings and reasoning in return.. Took him for granted for the past 3 months towards the end of the relationship as I got busy and lost a bit of interest as I just try to collect my thoughts in the hope of fixing it eventually.. Then he did the break uo after one huge petty argument which he started... Anyway... It is best this way.. Yet it still stings. Still healing after 3 months...
Best to blow the joint when they cool down or ghost you! It's most likely a ego thing for them when you start liking them POOF their gone !! But if they apologize later most likely their just not mature.
They get lazy...and reveal their true self....I was gone...over 3 weeks later I am doing the emotional work....feeling strong...don't have time for that b.s....he made no sincere effort to apologise for messing with my emotions....I gave my love and he took me for granted....I kept my dignity and did not engage in the drama....next! 😁
I did that at least that makes me feel better