The narcissist is so miserable that theyll rain on your parade, talk behind your back about it, talk very negatively about you, then when you keep it away and they find out, they’ll REALLY go hard against you. 😳 😔
But WHO CARES... When I got to know why my sister never ever felt happiness for my success or any good news and saw her deriving sadistic pleasure when I was not well or emotionally upset which she herself caused by severe triangulations with my other family members and unbelievable deceit....I got fed up of the emotional torture, abuse, and manipulations... I started greyrocking her.. She then started smear campaign against me....I don't care her more now.. And not even consider her a human being.. Because no normal human being does such nonsenses with their loved ones..🙅🙅
Temperance. Quick reactions that they don’t like and they’ll make you pay. They won’t change. It’s all about how we behave/ what we expect. Being in the same room and a universe away. Self-care where possible. Love the self and then love them.
I’m not sure because English isn’t my first language, but is that all “boundary” is supposed to mean? The way I understood it is that what you’re describing is a request, which I agree definitely won’t work with a narcissist, but that a boundary sets a limit beyond which the rules of the game change. That the point of one isn’t them not violating it, but the enforcing aspect; the consequences if (when, realistically, in this case) they do. As in the request “please, mom, don’t talk shit about the rest of the family when I come over” becoming the boundary “mom, I’ll come over, but if you talk shit about the family I’ll leave” or “mom, I’ve asked you not to talk shit about the family and you didn’t respect that, so I’m leaving” followed by actually stepping away if appropriate, enforcing the consequence whether they like it or not. Or whatever other situation followed by whatever consequence you may deem necessary or fair. In my experience, that works just as well regardless of whether you’re dealing with a narcissist. I mean, sure, with more screaming, shouting, and manipulation, but (unless they straight-up escalate it to criminal behavior like restraining you from leaving, stalking/harassment…, which I assume they’re more likely to do than healthy people), them being an asshole is going to stop them from being considerate and heed your request, not you from leaving them to involve the wall, as far as you care, in their triangulation or whatever other bs. Now, I get that plenty of people can’t or don’t want to do that for a variety of internal and external reasons - and that’s so absolutely valid - but I’d say in that case it’s more about not setting (at least what I would call) boundaries, rather than about them not working. Idk if that makes sense. So, I wouldn’t deprive myself of the possibility of giving it a try: in my experience, boundaries are a lifesaver especially in this kind of relationship.
@@mindoftheheart I think you summed it up very well. Im not expert in personality disorders, I narrow down bad behavior as toxic and put people in a toxic category. You set boundaries and that also is testing respect a person has for you. You should communicate them always and if they break them, thats your sign to go okay, they broke a boundary I communicated, im going to either break up with this person, not talk to them, or give them another try.
@@mindoftheheart True - boundaries without real consequences tied to it would just be trampled over. But depending on the narcissist involved it becomes a bit more complicated - especially if they like to use coercive control you might not even have the chance to act out the consequences without repercussions. In such cases I think it's best to, for the time being, swallow the transgression and set up an exit strategy (if you have the chance to do so) - at least that's how I handled it and it worked fairly well.
After wasting hours on the phone listening to my narc "friend" I told her nicely that my best work hours were 5am to noon and to call me any time after that if she wanted to talk, I knew she was seeing red. She would typically call me at 6 am with an hours worth of what she did, what she ate, her daughters friends husbands issues blah blah blah. The idea that she couldn't call me whenever she wanted to pissed her off royally. Its been three weeks and I haven't heard from her since which is a great thing for me.
Wow, 6 AM is a pretty unreasonable time to expect someone to listen to an hours worth of chatter! Not much of a "friend". I'd say it's a good thing you haven't heard from her! My mother used to do something similar: I asked her not to call me during certain hours in the evening, because I needed to have time to wind down and get ready for the next work day. Wouldn't you know it? It was always during that time when she would call me, of course! When I told her I couldn't talk, and remind her of what I had already told her, she would get sulky and sullen, as if I was just being mean. Ridiculous!
@angellight9500 you are way too polite lol. at least now with your boundary setting, you see your narc "friend" for who she truly is. enjoy the silence. -cheers, steven
@donijaya they don't think or feel the same way most other people do. They won't miss you at all, and most likely almost never think of you. They're too consumed with themself, and are busy trying to find a new supply. Grieve what you thought you had, and move on. It doesn't matter WHAT they say (good or bad). You're just SO fortunate to have that person in your rearview mirror.
I have figured it's good to just not be all that available or nice and hope they'll go away or reduce time with you! Sometimes they won't take the hint and require a direct approach, others want to give you a nasty serve on their way out- which is unpleasant and unnecessary, but at least they're gone. The latter happened to me recently, I had hoped we could reduce or stop spending time together in a mature and kind way but she wasn't those things sadly. So now I'm avoiding a social area and activities I would have otherwise been interested in- as I can't be sure she won't be there being nasty about me. All i did "wrong " was refuse to conform to her world view and values (such as being a mistress hidden from his family is perfectly fine and ....)
No matter WHAT I say, no matter how mundane, he will have something debative to say. It's incredible! I'm 70 and didn't realize how truly awful my marriage was until very recently. I am SO thankful for my faith and my godly Sisters who love and support me.
Me, too. After a particularly hurtful incident, it all became very clear what kind of person he is. It's been an awful 40 years and now I have completely checked out to save my sanity. Which hasn't stopped him trying to get me to converse with him. I see it as a type of bullying. He is a very strange person. Wish I was younger and could afford to leave.
@@pattybrown8307 Ny narc husband, and I use that term very loosely, kicked me out on my 71st birthday. It was the absolutely best, most tremendous gift he could have ever given me! Praise God!
The narcissist I had in my life (and the reason I started watching this channel) recently died. Never thought I'd be relieved that a person has died but here we are.
When my narcissistic father died, my mother told me she "feels like I've been let out of prison". She had 36 yrs of marriage with that man. I had 18 yrs of childhood and knew partly how it felt with him. Since then, and other Narcissistic Individuals that have invaded my life, I really know what she meant. Ugh.
Same for me. Was married for almost 40 years to this man. He did everything in his power to make sure I would never leave. I had several emotions when he died, mostly the feeling of FREEDOM from all the pain, lying, and betrayal . Then guilt from feeling that way. 😢
I feel sorry for people who can't feel happy for others and share in their joy. Narcissistic people deprive themselves (and others) of so many good things in life. It's sad.
My partner saw my book. His first response was, "It must be awful living with a narcissist." Mocking continues. I'm putting my ducks in a row, and I'm gone.
Dr Ramani I just saw you on the Today show with your book. Congratulations! I was so proud to be your subscriber as you reach all the people that need to know about this stuff!! ❤
the narcissist absolutely dreads the nanosecond that you become awakened and aware, educated and empowered about their toxic behaviors. and then you realize your self-worth. setting boundaries is the beginning of the end for the narcissist's place in your life. it's also the beginning towards a potentially better life for you. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
@@carparthero YES! Thank you for stating those 2 truths so succinctly! I don't know if I set any boundaries, but I did question him gently and lovingly about his behaviors. I never understood why he would just shut down, but of course, now I do. Do you realize how blessed we are to have this online community of doctors, therapists, and with all the stories that the victims have taken their time to share! God bless you all! EACH ONE of you has helped me to identify each puzzle piece of the narcissistic relationship I was in, so that I can realize that it was ALL based on a lie. This was the most important thing for me, so that I could put it all behind me focus ahead on healing. Finally being able to do that was my Foundation for deep healing to really begin!
@@CrazyEightyEights Thanks, have to make very tough decisions for the sake of my health, the abuse have had to go through my 30 something years is not worth it at all. May we all find peace.
Your comment, “I’m only supposed to talk about the weather? I can’t share good times or bad times?“ That sums up my marriage and a mouthful. I even confronted him, saying I wanted to talk about the deep issues in our marriage that were wrong so we could work towards healing, and he said literally he only wanted to talk about the weather with me, you’re right Dr. Rami, it is not a relationship
10 years in to a 22 year marriage i realized he would never help with fixing things, the kids, etc. So i relied on me, others, and hiring people to fix things as they broke instead of waiting months to have a working dryer. Then once i became independent, i stopped giving him any attention since i never received it.
This is one reason why I treat my narcissist like a roommate. He isn't my husband anymore, I hardly share anything with him. I'm glad my (adult) son is back with me, I chat with him along with my cat & dog. I'm always talking to my pets.
Thank you! For years I felt like his mom (always taking care of him), but now I moved to the housemate relationship. Thank you for posting it feels good to know I'm not alone.
Hey, Dr Ramani, I saw you on the Today show yesterday and was like "I know that lady!" Great segment. I loved your pretty white outfit, too. Thanks for your work.
"Devastating grief, years of trauma bonded hope. Years of thinking that this would be it, that he would finally show up as a decent person." After 40 years, I feel all of that. I realize that he doesn't have the ability to empathize and never will. Your friend hit radical acceptance and so have I. It feels so much better when you finally are able understand that people like that exist and that you don't need to keep trying to figure out why they act the way that they do. Share indifference? At this point, I don't even share that. I can't help but wonder what it's like to have a normal relationship and what the past 40+ years of my life would have been like if i had been in one.
I feel you...30years for me. I'm only now after his passing coming to terms with what life I had with him and my 2 kids. I look too at how things could of been in a healthier relationship....but then remember I wouldn't have my 2 beautiful kids. Big love on your healing. Tx
@@user-no5zc5bk6dI relate to both of you. Same scenarios and same thoughts processes. We didn't have a manual or crystal ball, so we just had to take both the good and bad from those years. We did our best. We just have to make sure that we don't allow them to break us or make us who we want to be. 🌺 🫂
All my issues with my toxic mother was always me trying to get moral support from her when I was going through a bad time and she seeing it as a major inconvenience and treating me like sh*t for 'having an issue' in the first place... So I was always double sad... with the problem and with her invalidation (followed by insults from her)... 5 years of no contact and she still plays the 'good mother' on the internet, for those who don't know who she really is...
I'm so sorry, and I really, really can relate to what you shared! My mother was/is exactly the same. My difficult times were always inconveniences to her, and I was made to feel terrible for "ruining her day" with my problems (including having surgery at age 17 and being in the hospital, and anytime I was sick and in need of care). I also have gone no contact (finally, in my 50's I couldn't take it anymore!).
@@christinelamb1167 Sending hugs your way... Glad you were able to take care of your mental health! I think grieving for a parent that is alive but 'we never really had' is worse than if we were orphans...
I have that same issue. I tell her as little as possible. The best thing I ever learned was to manage my expectations. Now I know what her response will be if I tell her ANYTHING (good OR bad, it doesn't matter).
@@MissReneeMichelleAgreed.. Yeah, eventually I started doing that and kept things to myself, but the resentment of not having family support was too daunting... I realized I was only there to be used as a prop and couldn't have a mind or situations of my own... it's like that toxic boss trope "Don't come here with problems!"
@@marioVSN I found a strong network of friends to confide in. As an only child, it was hard at first not having a familial support system, but with a narcissist father and an enabling toxic mother - I never really had one in the first place and was only harming myself by trying to make it happen. It's not going to, ever, and by managing my expectations, I don't cause myself further trauma.
This was HUGE! I ordered the book, but it hasn’t come yet. I always knew deep in my heart not to share the good things with the narcissists in my life because they never shared in my joy about good news or accomplishments and I never understood the ‘why’. Now I do. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.💜
Brilliant. One of the best Boundaries videos so far. "Boundaries are an inside game. It doesn't work to make it an "ask" or even an expectation of them, but rather an internal shift within you in terms of how YOU interact with THEM."
My narc FIL raged at my husband and I, why? My husband mentioned that next year, at age 58 he plans to retire. He has worked hard. Has a pension. Contributed fully to his 401k. Provides to us 110% of our needs. Kids have launched. FIL said he couldn’t retire until he was 70. We have no idea how hard it is to live in social security. Well . . . Social security will be our supplement income, not our primary. It was at that point my husband understood “boundary”. Nothing more is shared with FIL except the weather.
Like Heath Ledger's Joker spreading his Psycho Contagion to Harvey Dent hence turning him into 2 Face. Their toxicity is infectious, don't get stuck holding the bag😢 ❤
Boundaries with consequences are amazing. My friend's husband forgot their first anniversary (which also happened to be her birthday). She charged a ring for 25,000.00 on his card. Funny thing, he always remembered after that.
I bought your book! I’ve cried so much over the few days because it resonates with my experience. I’m hopeful that I will heal. I’m on chapter 5. I’m working through the journal prompts. I’m not able to leave my current situation, but I’m hopeful.
An "internal shift" is what it is. Boundaries help us DETACH from the toxic interactions we used to engage in. It doesn't make them stop. It helps us deal with the response. Once you expect the response and control your reaction to it, you take some of your power back. ❤
I just had the realization that I would tell the narc my good news 1st also- bc I was fawning to hopefully make them happy and be calm. Still learning about fawning, didn’t know that’s what I was doing
Unfortunately, I live with a vulnerable/covert narcissist who thrives on attention because of his bad health choices. I use to be empathic, but now I'm just burned out. Just because you don't bow to their manipulation doesn't mean your aren't empathic. Narcissists love the attention they get from being ill and will use their illness to guilt you. Learn to discern.
About not sharing bad news : I was diagnosed with cancer 12 years ago (and survived well) and it was immediately clear to me that I would not share this news with my mother, because then it would all be about her worrying and my taking care of her emotions, and I needed my strength to fight cancer (not my mother's problems). Unfortunately, I went to help my mother last year as she lost her husband, and I did what I could for her. My knowledge of narcissism is only about 4 weeks old. So I was helping my mother and I noticed I had more and more difficulty breathing... To make a long story short, I was diagnosed with COPD. And I made the big mistake of telling my mother about it. I also told her that I had to to less for her because I was sick. She wasn't worried at all. She only told me I wasn't sick. I haven't had any contact with her for a few weeks now, and I feel much much better : I just take care of my health and enjoy the time I have for myself...
Very early in my marriage, i had a problem and wanted to talk to him about it. He said,"I have enough problems of my own, i don't want to hear about yours." So, I rarely mentioned them over the years and found that, when I did, he would weapanize the info and at some point later to hurt me. Thankfully, I still had my mother and sister to talk to. Unfortunately, they have both passed but the narc is still here. But I've given myself permission to dislike him and that has helped. He comes off to people as a nice old man. I don't think that he likes it that i clearly see him as the old, alcoholic narc that he is.
This describes my narc husband and I totally agree with you. I had to constantly remind myself not to care bc I know for a fact it's not going to be reciprocated.
Dr Ramani, I can't even begin to sum up the 30 years of narcissistic abuse I've suffered. Every scenario you describe I've witnessed. I'm so glad my sister in law referred me to your channel last year. It was liberating to see that "it truly wasn't me. " When I think of how my heart aches and all the confusion I felt when he was gaslighting and turning any given moment meant to be a joyous occasion into a hurricane! I stood by him in sickness, hospitalization something he's never done for me. I remember when I miscarried earlier in the marriage he had the audacity to imply that maybe it wasn't his child, complained about the food price when I asked him to get me something to eat and after I was released from the hospital I had to come home and cook dinner and look after our 2 yr old. Then there was a time when my brother who I was very close to was in hospice care at home and we went to see him- keep in mind he didn't have long- my narc was angry at the time I was spending and said he wanted to go visit his family! I was mortified! Anyway, you opened my eyes and I totally went gray rock. Last week after virtually no communication he texted me and said "can we talk," but it wasn't a conversation bc he announced that he was filing for divorce. Initially, I was shocked but not surprised. I am glad to know that it's not me and this is my Blessing. He was diagnosed with cancer 2 yrs ago and to think I didn't want to abandon him? I will be reading and re reading your book - thank you ❤
I shared promotions and other good news with my narc of nearly 5 years. He NEVER gave me kudos. He ALWAYS had a way of putting my accomplishments down as if he were intimidated. He also DID NOT want to hear bad news, even when my sister was diagnosed with ALS then my dad passed. I read your first book, among many others, and found my way out last November when I learned to love and respect myself and came to the realization that he would never change. He caused more harm by his lack of consideration, for deep losses of loved ones in my life. This was the final straw. I knew he would never truly be available to me on anything other than a superficial level. I received your new book few days ago and plan on reading it this weekend. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your work, and for educating us!
I unfriended my sister on Facebook as part of the process of distancing. She never mentioned it. Just 1 less way she can reach me. I learned a long time ago she did not want to hear good news so I quit sharing. She would literally tell me she didn't care. I quit sharing with my husband because he would invariably say something negative. He repeatedly minimized me needing to go to doctors. Had a stress fracture that started to heal because "you don't need to go to a doctor". Had to wear a plaster cast 9 weeks. I quit sharing and started making decisions independent of him. I would tell him "I'm not asking permission, I am just letting you know I will be doing thus and such". Worked. Then he died which was sad but freeing.
Yes, It's possible to heal. It isn't a quick fix. I'm the "bad guy" because I set the boundary to someone that was diminishing my partner. He was using my partner to gain access to our sound studio. He hasn't been in the studio for almost 3 years. He still hoovers, gaslights, plays nice, but my partner is supporting the boundary--He is not welcome at our home/studio. My partner sees how much more fun he is having and that he doesn't have to walk around on egg shells in his own studio. I'm still to blame, and if that is what it takes, I'm okay with that! Your book is being delivered today!
Wow, that makes my blood run cold! I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve that. You needed your husband to comfort you in your time of grief, not act like an asshole! His behavior reminds me so much of my mother. Not the same situation, but definitely the same type of response/behavior. I hope you know you deserve more!
I'm so sorry you lost your mother and then were unsupported by your jerkwad spouse. Mine acted similarly evil when my mom and dad died, and it was horrible both times. We all deserve better, that's for sure! ❤
Boy did you nail it. Yesterday after an approximately a two year long no contact period we made the mistake of letting our narcissistic family member know of a very serious upcoming surgery in our family. Thinking it was the right thing to do. We didn’t require any dialogue, we just felt they should know. Boom! The lengthy assault started with long hurtful unsympathetic “ what about poor me” attacks of lies, half truths, blame game and irrational responses. We did not respond realizing once again we were trying to use our healthy logic with an illogical unhealthy person. It is so sad! Particularly when it’s close family that you loved and helped for so many years.
Three huge important ‘aha’ moments for me in this - 1. It’s about my internal boundaries - an inside game. WOW! I’ve never thought of it like that and why talking about boundaries would lead to endless arguments 2. He hates hearing my ‘good news’. His lack of ‘joy’ at good my news is obvious. Now I just won’t share instead of feeling deflated. Likewise I won’t don’t bother with bad news and be left wondering why he wouldn’t engage. 3.Talk about the weather (and the odd movie!) Life changing thank you 🙏 💕
When my mother was diagnosed as terminal at 42. My father (my narcissist) told her to get out. Even though she had nursed him back to health after three back surgeries. She died 6 years later. He didn’t come to see her the night she died though the doctors had warned us all this was her final evening of life. He didn’t come to her funeral. And I still let that narcissistic man walk me down the aisle three years later. I hated myself for it for years. This helps. I’m finally getting to the place where I think of him less than he thinks of me. And it feels sad and incredible at the same time.
Just letting you know that your book, in Canada, is currently available in Apple Books now - it was available a few days ago. Looking forward to reading it
Dr. Ramani some of us come from a large extended family with many people who live in the same city as we do including dozens of cousins from each aunt and from each uincle who do care however they have their own lives to live too. Peoiple like us don't have to share any news at all to our exes for them to find out about it anyway in about 24 hours or so.
@DoctorRamani Thank you for the reminders. Sometimes I have to remind myself that things go bad when I avoid hearing about recovery issues, even when I feel overwhelmed with recovery. I needed this video. Thanks again.
Thank you so much, from my heart, for being so real and authentic. As I listened to you speak, the tears rolled down my cheeks because I felt like I wasn’t alone. These are complicated emotions but so necessary to feel. This is exactly what I needed today in this moment. And, your book arrived this morning so I’m headed to chapter 8. Much love and gratitude.
Kinda feel trapped when your in one. Freedom is priceless, especally after you lost everything and everyone. Therapy will help you through the storms in life.
Spot on as always Dr. Ramani. The good, never told my mother I got my master's degree. I don't regret it one bit. The bad, the day I ended up in the hospital was the beginning of the end of my marriage. His attitude was beyond despicable. The indifferent yep that was all I could "talk" about with both of them. Mother died last year, been out of the marriage for years too.
Fortunately I could go no contact completely with my narc ex-friend. That’s my boundary. I feel for all of you who are living with one. Boundaries must be hard.
This just made me feel seen. My parents are narcissist and I always feel bad and guilty for not sharing with them, especially good things. But they always rain on my parade and make it about them no matter what. Imma keep going.
Ordered your book 🎉 followed you for 2 years 🎉 you are the reason I got out of a narcissistic relationship of 5 months. It was horrendous …. Moved him in my home, met his daughter…text book. Love your work so much I’d love to help educate women x ❤ Amazing woman x
Dr. Ramani you are the best. The line, "this isn't a relationship....it never really was..." No matter how much radical acceptance I have, I have to come back to your channel to refresh myself. The other day, my 5 year old was at school. He was bitten by a puppy dog who had manged to sneak into the school garden and was playing around with the kids. I know. The school holds great responsibility and their negligence led to this incident. However, at that specific time when I was informed by the devastated school authorities, my focus was on getting the child to the hospital. The bite was just a nick, my son wasn't in pain or crying. In fact, he was disappointed that the puppy had not returned his love in the same way. I didn't want to start screaming or making the child upset so I walked back home and mentally prepared to get to the hospital in next few minutes. My elder son who was also with me ran inside the house and lo and behold...informed my narcissistic husband who wouldn't be bothered with taking the kids to school or bring them back home or even prepare lunch or dinner. On top of it, he was sleeping. My son had committed the crime of waking him up and then telling him the bad news. Whole hell broke loose and even delayed my plan of taking the younger one to the hospital. He started yelling at me, calling me a failure, a bad mom and a useless person who was unable to protect her child. I was so careless that if a car hit him and he died I would be telling him the news with a straight face! I held back my tears as I forced my self to keep moving through the fog of contempt, anger and disbelief in order to do what needed to be done. I quickly put the necessary things in my bag, packed up some snacks for the kids and took my car keys, all the time struggling mentally to focus as i was bombarded with hatred and dehumanisation. He said he was so angry that he wouldn't accompany me to the hospital and jumped right back into bed before ordering me to get lunch because I was so incompetent to have prepared it before I left to pick up the kids from school. I managed to get the child to the hospital and receive the necessary treatment, pick up lunch for the narc and the kids and come home and manage the household stuff as well. However, no matter how much I exercised radical acceptance, detachment from the narc and self control, physiological symptoms hit me. Was it from betrayal of omission or as a result of the severe verbal abuse from the narcissist, I was seriously sick for the next 30 hours, suffering from debilitating migraines, vomiting, stomach upset and body aches and pains. Nonetheless, I dare not share it with the narc. I called some house help to help me with house keeping while I managed myself with over the counter medicines and taking time off work. All of this from sharing the bad news with the narc. I'm slowly teaching my children to learn to manage this narcissistic abuse. I cannot move out at the moment but I hope I do because I cannot take this any longer
So much fun at the book signing last night. So happy for you Dr. Ramani! Penne Warner 🎉🎉🎉🎉 you are a true hero in so many woman’s life’s. Such a strong connections were made last night! Love you Dr. R and you are even more bright and shiny in person!! 😊 You glow girl! and 💪 yes you are right I did make it and come out even better! 5 years and finally back to super me! 🦹🏼♀️ You can do it! 🤩🥳😎🙌🎊
Even if they seem excited, theyre dead behind the eyes at your good news. I mistakenly told the enabler about my nee job and she told the narc. His "congratulations" made me cringe as he's been a dick otherwise.
I'm disabled and can still do things for myself, which has brought me to refuse help a few times. I refused help for tasks well within my capabilities and was labeled as controlling.
At around 6:24, Dr. Ramani, you say you got some really good news. I want to cheer for you!! 🙌👍 ❤ You give so much of yourself to us, how can we ever thank you for bringing us up from the depths of despair?? You deserve everything good that can happen for you. You have a pure heart. I bought your book, and I hope it becomes a huge best seller success. The world needs to hear what you have to say!
I don’t know, at least any time since I started learning that about narcissism, that I gave a narcissistic person my good news, because I felt it might make me look cool to them. Maybe more so, I simply shared it, because I was trying to take their temperature, on what an a**hole they were gonna be about it. But, generally, I do t share good news, unless it affects something I’m involved in, like work. This is no longer a “celebrate with you” world, at least as far as I can see. Particularly, when it comes to triumphs I’ve had, concerning my narcissistic family also? I know most people wish I’d lose. In their minds, winning is not for victims and certainly not for people who went against their family’s agenda, even if that meant their own destruction. That, other than the fact that so many, have so many bad, hidden things going on in their lives, they likely find it hard to celebrate anything, in a world that only shows wins, like on Facebook. I lost a pet recently and, with a narcissistic acquaintance of mine, their reaction wasn’t surprising. I could see that showing empathy was like giving birth and the only reason why they did the minimum, in showing any empathy, was because they were still hoping to get something out of me.
Oh but setting those boundaries makes them work so much harder to break them down. Even calling me by my full name to my own mother and family is too much. They have to control my name they feel too. LOL, Great content as always. Cheers
Good afternoon. I've been trying to confirm my purchase to get the bonuses with you and it wouldn't ever go through and now the link is gone🤷🏼♀️ Can you please help. Thanks
The good news advice is soo true. I learned that lesson the hard way when I told my mom I won $46K in scholarships for a very good university. She was not happy for me. It bothered me, so I called back and asked why. She said that she wasn't happy because education was not something she valued but if I had told her I was dating a Mormon man, then I'd see her happy. My mom did not marry a Mormon man. Nor did she graduate high school.
I am trying the same to treat my husband as a roommate until I heal from this relationship and know when I can leave. I am 65 years old and you do think of the financial aspect and I am able work part time and help with my grandchildren .As I read her book it seems to me freedom is what I am praying for now and healing from all mental abuse. So I put divorce or separation on hold for now and working on me and I am starting to love myself and venture out with friends. I am practicing grey rock and I am in a Bible study also I share my emotions and good things that happen to me with my brother and good close friends. Prayers for all of us who have been in a truly narcissistic abuse relationship.I asked God now for discernment and wisdom before any relationship!
My mothers go to comment when something bad happened to me was “ how could you do this to me?” If something good happened like the time I got the best mark on the exam, she’d minimize it and say, “ oh it was probably an easy exam and everyone got a good mark.” I stopped sharing anything important ,good, bad or ugly with her a few years ago. Unfortunately, now I have to learn how to celebrate my accomplishments rather than stay humble and stay under the radar.
Greetings Dr. Ramani, hope you and your love ones are doing well. PLEASE! I need an answer to this question. Can a woman(or anyone) act and behave 100% exactly as a Covert NPD for some time but NOT be one?
Me: I had a stroke. Narc: Oh, that’s too bad. I’m so sorry. Complete silence. Then, two years later: Narc: Send me money! One year after that: Narc: How come you don’t call me?
Dear Dr. Ramani. This week, my therapist got your book- It's Not You. Thank you. This is the first time in 2 years she has used the term "narcissistically abused" to refer to me. She just didn't believe in it before. She didn't understand this type of abuse. When she saw your book, she got it because she said she needed to learn about what I said I was going through. It's so validating when your therapist can say, yes, you have been narcissistically abused and now let's see what we can do to alleviate your trauma and pain. Thank you for making this more accessible and popular. After a 30 year marriage to an NPD, (divorced now-actually discarded) I struggle. Here's hoping for better days. Love you-thanks again.
Harsh and painful truth, but it needs to be said. Your health problems are so irritating to them, you don't serve any purpose to them...don't hope that it will get better. Even grosse behaviour you can expirience. On the outside they would be doing everything for you (going to pharmacy, store etc.)and trying to be so obvious to others how caring and loving they are. Performance to be seen by others how great they are, sacrificing themself... But behind the doors, when no one is watching...agressive, yelling, insulting monster is there. Minimazing your health problems to beyond believing...😔 Don't have illusion of any kind of help. Literally, telling you to stop "complaining, dramatazing, disturbing them..." dead or alive. Seriously listen what have been said in this video. Try to find supportive, trustworthy people or person and share bad news with them first! Thank you dr.Ramani for putting out such important and life saving information, advice, notice.
Not sharing news… I told my mom that I finally submitted my thesis for my PhD. Her answer : great, now you have more time to help me. Then I realized that after all those years of hard work, she doesn’t even know the subject of my research… oh well, I’m just not surprised.
Story time: I had my narcissistic mom come babysit my toddler when I had a miscarriage last year and I needed help watching him. She made everything about herself, how upset she was, etc. She told me about her "funny" miscarriage story from many years ago. Then she went on and on about her family's health issues and her own health issues. Then when I would have moments where I would cry she just looked at me and said, "why are you crying?" She also told me, " it's a good thing you had your miscarriage this time and not with the first pregnancy or you wouldn't have your son here." Lastly, there was a moment where I was crying and I watched her try to cry for about 30 seconds and when she couldn't force it she just gave up and went back to her normal face. Needless to say, it wasn't all that helpful to have her there 🤦
I stayed with a friend when I moved to a new city- her behaviour was appalling and controlling and super off. I didn't realise till later she was text book narcissist. One thing she did that I want to note here is: she was really patronising. I didn'tknow what to call it at the time, i just knew that she was saying nice things, but I felt uncomfortable and disrespected somehow. Later, I realised her remarks were a power game where she set herself up as the judge and approver and giver of compliments - as if I was an inept child and she was proud and surprised I actually managed to find a place to live. I'd just finished sending my child off to higher education, selling a house and disposing of or packing all the stuff on the property! I wasn't some irresponsible or inept baby human. She was a single lady in her 60s me in my 50s. So yes, that was her way of making it all about her and her being superior.
I cannot explain in words how helpful dr Ramani has been over the years. Even my therapist lack understanding and knowledge about how deep cut narcissist actions could wound people.
On this topic, I want to warn folks about boundary setting when you have a dangerous narcissist. Stating your boundaries is just a benchmark to them as to what they need to be able to violate, like a challenge. Please be careful.
I think if your with a mild vulnerable narcissist that you can have temporary success for setting boundaries. I know I did. She did not rage at me, when I did. She would often go silent, make excuses for whey she was pushing for what she wanted. Then she would find something else to try to manipulate me with. But ultimately me being able to set strong boundaries with her, mitigated some of the damage she was able to do with her previous partners.
I have to approach the narcissists in my life carefully. Just be polite and agree with everything she says when establishing a boundary to avoid conflict with them, even when they being rude. I must avoid believing anything they say while doing so.
That is what I really needed to hear. I remember rhat I could pass a really important exam for my carier and the day after my narc hausband made a big fight. That was the onset of a big period of panic attacks and severe depression in me. Hopefully I got help and could pass through it.
The narcissist will find a way to insult you, no matter the topic. The easiest way is to get them taking about themselves. Periodically say how smart or amazing they are. They never even notice that you aren't sharing about yourself.
My cousin made my mom's death about herself. She would say rude things about hoe she can't go on when she was MY mother. Couldn't read the room. Then she started saying my mom was like a mom to her although she had a loving mother. The fact is my cousin treated my mom like shit and the last time she saw her in person, my cousin told her sister that my mom was lunatic that needed to be locked up. She begged for items of my mom so we gave her some of my moms daycare toys as she just had a daughter (that she said my mom wanted more than she did). She sold them and lied and said she donated them. She told me to get.out if her life bc I was upset so I did. Occasionally she will message me yelling at me for something that the rest of my family did (and didn't get yelled at). And she always tries to manipulate me by saying my mom came to her in a dream and told me to stop fighting with her. I've just cut her out bc its too much drama for me
Thanks for sharing the message on not to share good news to everyone, esp narcs. I was feeling upset that I wasted my life behind some people. Good to know now itself than waste more years.
I had to have hip surgery and while I was recovering my father made me move furniture with him and If I didn't he would throw me out of the home without my crutches.
I could kiss you Dr Ramani! What you have just described is EXACTLY what I have been searching for! I can't wait to read your book, got it two days ago 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Not a comment on how to handle your personal situation at all. One thing I'd keep in mind, and even more so with people that don't know you, is that they'll generally treat you by whatever you give them. I'm covered from chest to feet in tattoos, yet most people that meet me think I have not a single one. I've had several severe head injuries in my lifetime and even have a scar going ear to ear, yet no one knows unless I tell them. Even some including a few of my doctors, don't know that my skull collapsed and I'm missing a large portion of my brain. Even in spite of having a large dent in my skull. My issues in general just aren't noncable to people. Would go on, however, my point with this is very simple. We pride ourselves with being great judges of other people. Yet at the same time, no one is good at it. We simply miss too much to properly judge anyone. That isn't to say one can't judge other people's work, nor the consequences of their actions and how they came to be as such. It's more to say we don't really know why they're doing what they're doing, nor what they're really thinking or even if they're even thinking about what they're doing. It's also to say that people work off of what you tell them about yourself. They will generally treat you by how you talk about yourself. Side Note: I'm in my 40s, however, I look like a 20-year-old. It's very common for people in their 30s and older to call me a kid and start rambling on about how life is going to change when I reach my 40s. About how my knees will start hurting and I'll wake up with aches and pain. None of which I've experienced at this age. They love to talk about themselves, and I don't mind listening to them. The thing is, it's very rare anyone asks me questions other than how to do things. Also, not the kind of person to correct them on their mistakes about me. It's highly likely I make the same mistakes with everyone I meet as well. So, don't get it crossed. Anyway, no one is able to judge you properly. They're going to make mistakes about you. As such, there's no real reason to care about what they mistakenly think about you. We have to know ourselves. We can to some extent control how people view us. But at the end of the day, it only really matters what we think about ourselves. And we have to understand ourselves before we'll know what all of our actual boundaries are. That isn't to say we can't set boundaries when we've yet to figure that out. Even at my age, I'm not really sure what I'd say I am other than me. If you're reading this. I hope you're able to figure it out for yourself and that you thrive in life. If you're like me, it's perfectly fine that you are always growing and changing. Don't get hung up on yourself if you can't figure yourself out.
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The narcissist is so miserable that theyll rain on your parade, talk behind your back about it, talk very negatively about you, then when you keep it away and they find out, they’ll REALLY go hard against you. 😳 😔
But WHO CARES... When I got to know why my sister never ever felt happiness for my success or any good news and saw her deriving sadistic pleasure when I was not well or emotionally upset which she herself caused by severe triangulations with my other family members and unbelievable deceit....I got fed up of the emotional torture, abuse, and manipulations... I started greyrocking her.. She then started smear campaign against me....I don't care her more now.. And not even consider her a human being.. Because no normal human being does such nonsenses with their loved ones..🙅🙅
Temperance. Quick reactions that they don’t like and they’ll make you pay. They won’t change. It’s all about how we behave/ what we expect. Being in the same room and a universe away. Self-care where possible. Love the self and then love them.
You can set boundaries, but theyll break them. They dont care.
I’m not sure because English isn’t my first language, but is that all “boundary” is supposed to mean? The way I understood it is that what you’re describing is a request, which I agree definitely won’t work with a narcissist, but that a boundary sets a limit beyond which the rules of the game change. That the point of one isn’t them not violating it, but the enforcing aspect; the consequences if (when, realistically, in this case) they do.
As in the request “please, mom, don’t talk shit about the rest of the family when I come over” becoming the boundary “mom, I’ll come over, but if you talk shit about the family I’ll leave” or “mom, I’ve asked you not to talk shit about the family and you didn’t respect that, so I’m leaving” followed by actually stepping away if appropriate, enforcing the consequence whether they like it or not. Or whatever other situation followed by whatever consequence you may deem necessary or fair.
In my experience, that works just as well regardless of whether you’re dealing with a narcissist. I mean, sure, with more screaming, shouting, and manipulation, but (unless they straight-up escalate it to criminal behavior like restraining you from leaving, stalking/harassment…, which I assume they’re more likely to do than healthy people), them being an asshole is going to stop them from being considerate and heed your request, not you from leaving them to involve the wall, as far as you care, in their triangulation or whatever other bs.
Now, I get that plenty of people can’t or don’t want to do that for a variety of internal and external reasons - and that’s so absolutely valid - but I’d say in that case it’s more about not setting (at least what I would call) boundaries, rather than about them not working. Idk if that makes sense. So, I wouldn’t deprive myself of the possibility of giving it a try: in my experience, boundaries are a lifesaver especially in this kind of relationship.
@@mindoftheheart I think you summed it up very well. Im not expert in personality disorders, I narrow down bad behavior as toxic and put people in a toxic category. You set boundaries and that also is testing respect a person has for you. You should communicate them always and if they break them, thats your sign to go okay, they broke a boundary I communicated, im going to either break up with this person, not talk to them, or give them another try.
My dad ignores my boundaries. He's pathetic.
@@mindoftheheart True - boundaries without real consequences tied to it would just be trampled over. But depending on the narcissist involved it becomes a bit more complicated - especially if they like to use coercive control you might not even have the chance to act out the consequences without repercussions. In such cases I think it's best to, for the time being, swallow the transgression and set up an exit strategy (if you have the chance to do so) - at least that's how I handled it and it worked fairly well.
@@mindoftheheartwow. This is so well articulated. This makes so much sense
After wasting hours on the phone listening to my narc "friend" I told her nicely that my best work hours were 5am to noon and to call me any time after that if she wanted to talk, I knew she was seeing red. She would typically call me at 6 am with an hours worth of what she did, what she ate, her daughters friends husbands issues blah blah blah. The idea that she couldn't call me whenever she wanted to pissed her off royally. Its been three weeks and I haven't heard from her since which is a great thing for me.
Wow, 6 AM is a pretty unreasonable time to expect someone to listen to an hours worth of chatter! Not much of a "friend". I'd say it's a good thing you haven't heard from her!
My mother used to do something similar: I asked her not to call me during certain hours in the evening, because I needed to have time to wind down and get ready for the next work day. Wouldn't you know it? It was always during that time when she would call me, of course! When I told her I couldn't talk, and remind her of what I had already told her, she would get sulky and sullen, as if I was just being mean. Ridiculous!
@angellight9500 you are way too polite lol. at least now with your boundary setting, you see your narc "friend" for who she truly is. enjoy the silence.
-cheers, steven
She'll be back. Unless you block, they always try to worm their way back into your life. I hope you're enjoying the vacation!
@donijaya they don't think or feel the same way most other people do. They won't miss you at all, and most likely almost never think of you. They're too consumed with themself, and are busy trying to find a new supply. Grieve what you thought you had, and move on. It doesn't matter WHAT they say (good or bad). You're just SO fortunate to have that person in your rearview mirror.
I have figured it's good to just not be all that available or nice and hope they'll go away or reduce time with you! Sometimes they won't take the hint and require a direct approach, others want to give you a nasty serve on their way out- which is unpleasant and unnecessary, but at least they're gone.
The latter happened to me recently, I had hoped we could reduce or stop spending time together in a mature and kind way but she wasn't those things sadly. So now I'm avoiding a social area and activities I would have otherwise been interested in- as I can't be sure she won't be there being nasty about me.
All i did "wrong " was refuse to conform to her world view and values (such as being a mistress hidden from his family is perfectly fine and ....)
No matter WHAT I say, no matter how mundane, he will have something debative to say. It's incredible! I'm 70 and didn't realize how truly awful my marriage was until very recently. I am SO thankful for my faith and my godly Sisters who love and support me.
Me, too. After a particularly hurtful incident, it all became very clear what kind of person he is. It's been an awful 40 years and now I have completely checked out to save my sanity. Which hasn't stopped him trying to get me to converse with him. I see it as a type of bullying. He is a very strange person. Wish I was younger and could afford to leave.
@@pattybrown8307 Ny narc husband, and I use that term very loosely, kicked me out on my 71st birthday. It was the absolutely best, most tremendous gift he could have ever given me! Praise God!
The narcissist I had in my life (and the reason I started watching this channel) recently died. Never thought I'd be relieved that a person has died but here we are.
Believe me, I understand. Blessings 💞
I understand as well. I wish you well in life.
When my narcissistic father died, my mother told me she "feels like I've been let out of prison". She had 36 yrs of marriage with that man. I had 18 yrs of childhood and knew partly how it felt with him. Since then, and other Narcissistic Individuals that have invaded my life, I really know what she meant. Ugh.
she began to tell women that I was gay so they wouldn't date me and would accuse me of doing things that she did. When she died there was quiet.
Same for me. Was married for almost 40 years to this man. He did everything in his power to make sure I would never leave. I had several emotions when he died, mostly the feeling of FREEDOM from all the pain, lying, and betrayal . Then guilt from feeling that way. 😢
I feel sorry for people who can't feel happy for others and share in their joy. Narcissistic people deprive themselves (and others) of so many good things in life. It's sad.
exactly my thoughts! Imagine going through life with nothing but rage, envy and jealous always of other people's accomplishments. Sad and pitiful.
Omg yes , they're like that :(
💯
It is. :S
Hard to imagine thar they're victims as well but they are. Shame that they have to make others miserable as well
My partner saw my book. His first response was, "It must be awful living with a narcissist." Mocking continues. I'm putting my ducks in a row, and I'm gone.
"You're absolutely right. It is."
Remember to be careful on the way out! Good luck to you! ❤
Dr Ramani I just saw you on the Today show with your book. Congratulations! I was so proud to be your subscriber as you reach all the people that need to know about this stuff!! ❤
the narcissist absolutely dreads the nanosecond that you become awakened and aware, educated and empowered about their toxic behaviors. and then you realize your self-worth.
setting boundaries is the beginning of the end for the narcissist's place in your life. it's also the beginning towards a potentially better life for you.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
@@carparthero YES! Thank you for stating those 2 truths so succinctly! I don't know if I set any boundaries, but I did question him gently and lovingly about his behaviors. I never understood why he would just shut down, but of course, now I do. Do you realize how blessed we are to have this online community of doctors, therapists, and with all the stories that the victims have taken their time to share! God bless you all! EACH ONE of you has helped me to identify each puzzle piece of the narcissistic relationship I was in, so that I can realize that it was ALL based on a lie. This was the most important thing for me, so that I could put it all behind me focus ahead on healing. Finally being able to do that was my Foundation for deep healing to really begin!
My family has proven it is dysfunctional beyond repair. These people are unworthy of my trust, respect, and loyalty.
Mine too, especially my mum, she has never loved me and will trash talk me to all my relatives.
@abisey943 I'm sorry about that, it is awful.
@@CrazyEightyEights Thanks, have to make very tough decisions for the sake of my health, the abuse have had to go through my 30 something years is not worth it at all. May we all find peace.
In the same boat
Your comment, “I’m only supposed to talk about the weather? I can’t share good times or bad times?“ That sums up my marriage and a mouthful. I even confronted him, saying I wanted to talk about the deep issues in our marriage that were wrong so we could work towards healing, and he said literally he only wanted to talk about the weather with me, you’re right Dr. Rami, it is not a relationship
10 years in to a 22 year marriage i realized he would never help with fixing things, the kids, etc. So i relied on me, others, and hiring people to fix things as they broke instead of waiting months to have a working dryer. Then once i became independent, i stopped giving him any attention since i never received it.
This is one reason why I treat my narcissist like a roommate. He isn't my husband anymore, I hardly share anything with him. I'm glad my (adult) son is back with me, I chat with him along with my cat & dog. I'm always talking to my pets.
I had to look at your YT handle to see if I wrote this!
(Except I have no son or pets)
Same here.
I'm living exactly like you and have been for several years now. It's the only way to survive until I can afford to leave.
Thank you! For years I felt like his mom (always taking care of him), but now I moved to the housemate relationship. Thank you for posting it feels good to know I'm not alone.
Same here..I treat my narc husband the same. I'm working hard and saving money for my escape!
Hey, Dr Ramani, I saw you on the Today show yesterday and was like "I know that lady!" Great segment. I loved your pretty white outfit, too. Thanks for your work.
"Devastating grief, years of trauma bonded hope. Years of thinking that this would be it, that he would finally show up as a decent person." After 40 years, I feel all of that. I realize that he doesn't have the ability to empathize and never will. Your friend hit radical acceptance and so have I. It feels so much better when you finally are able understand that people like that exist and that you don't need to keep trying to figure out why they act the way that they do. Share indifference? At this point, I don't even share that. I can't help but wonder what it's like to have a normal relationship and what the past 40+ years of my life would have been like if i had been in one.
I feel you...30years for me. I'm only now after his passing coming to terms with what life I had with him and my 2 kids. I look too at how things could of been in a healthier relationship....but then remember I wouldn't have my 2 beautiful kids. Big love on your healing. Tx
@@user-no5zc5bk6dI relate to both of you.
Same scenarios and same thoughts processes.
We didn't have a manual or crystal ball, so we just had to take both the good and bad from those years.
We did our best.
We just have to make sure that we don't allow them to break us or make us who we want to be.
🌺 🫂
All my issues with my toxic mother was always me trying to get moral support from her when I was going through a bad time and she seeing it as a major inconvenience and treating me like sh*t for 'having an issue' in the first place...
So I was always double sad... with the problem and with her invalidation (followed by insults from her)...
5 years of no contact and she still plays the 'good mother' on the internet, for those who don't know who she really is...
I'm so sorry, and I really, really can relate to what you shared! My mother was/is exactly the same. My difficult times were always inconveniences to her, and I was made to feel terrible for "ruining her day" with my problems (including having surgery at age 17 and being in the hospital, and anytime I was sick and in need of care). I also have gone no contact (finally, in my 50's I couldn't take it anymore!).
@@christinelamb1167 Sending hugs your way... Glad you were able to take care of your mental health!
I think grieving for a parent that is alive but 'we never really had' is worse than if we were orphans...
I have that same issue. I tell her as little as possible. The best thing I ever learned was to manage my expectations. Now I know what her response will be if I tell her ANYTHING (good OR bad, it doesn't matter).
@@MissReneeMichelleAgreed.. Yeah, eventually I started doing that and kept things to myself, but the resentment of not having family support was too daunting... I realized I was only there to be used as a prop and couldn't have a mind or situations of my own... it's like that toxic boss trope "Don't come here with problems!"
@@marioVSN I found a strong network of friends to confide in. As an only child, it was hard at first not having a familial support system, but with a narcissist father and an enabling toxic mother - I never really had one in the first place and was only harming myself by trying to make it happen. It's not going to, ever, and by managing my expectations, I don't cause myself further trauma.
This was HUGE! I ordered the book, but it hasn’t come yet. I always knew deep in my heart not to share the good things with the narcissists in my life because they never shared in my joy about good news or accomplishments and I never understood the ‘why’. Now I do.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani.💜
Brilliant. One of the best Boundaries videos so far. "Boundaries are an inside game. It doesn't work to make it an "ask" or even an expectation of them, but rather an internal shift within you in terms of how YOU interact with THEM."
My narc FIL raged at my husband and I, why? My husband mentioned that next year, at age 58 he plans to retire. He has worked hard. Has a pension. Contributed fully to his 401k. Provides to us 110% of our needs. Kids have launched. FIL said he couldn’t retire until he was 70. We have no idea how hard it is to live in social security. Well . . . Social security will be our supplement income, not our primary. It was at that point my husband understood “boundary”. Nothing more is shared with FIL except the weather.
Don't get attached with them emotionally. Just look at them like a movie is playing and they're just acting out their role.
Like Heath Ledger's Joker spreading his Psycho Contagion to Harvey Dent hence turning him into 2 Face. Their toxicity is infectious, don't get stuck holding the bag😢 ❤
@sushmayen , Thanks!
Boundaries with consequences are amazing. My friend's husband forgot their first anniversary (which also happened to be her birthday). She charged a ring for 25,000.00 on his card. Funny thing, he always remembered after that.
I bought your book! I’ve cried so much over the few days because it resonates with my experience. I’m hopeful that I will heal. I’m on chapter 5. I’m working through the journal prompts. I’m not able to leave my current situation, but I’m hopeful.
An "internal shift" is what it is. Boundaries help us DETACH from the toxic interactions we used to engage in. It doesn't make them stop. It helps us deal with the response. Once you expect the response and control your reaction to it, you take some of your power back. ❤
I just had the realization that I would tell the narc my good news 1st also- bc I was fawning to hopefully make them happy and be calm. Still learning about fawning, didn’t know that’s what I was doing
Unfortunately, I live with a vulnerable/covert narcissist who thrives on attention because of his bad health choices. I use to be empathic, but now I'm just burned out. Just because you don't bow to their manipulation doesn't mean your aren't empathic. Narcissists love the attention they get from being ill and will use their illness to guilt you. Learn to discern.
About not sharing bad news : I was diagnosed with cancer 12 years ago (and survived well) and it was immediately clear to me that I would not share this news with my mother, because then it would all be about her worrying and my taking care of her emotions, and I needed my strength to fight cancer (not my mother's problems).
Unfortunately, I went to help my mother last year as she lost her husband, and I did what I could for her. My knowledge of narcissism is only about 4 weeks old. So I was helping my mother and I noticed I had more and more difficulty breathing... To make a long story short, I was diagnosed with COPD. And I made the big mistake of telling my mother about it. I also told her that I had to to less for her because I was sick. She wasn't worried at all. She only told me I wasn't sick.
I haven't had any contact with her for a few weeks now, and I feel much much better : I just take care of my health and enjoy the time I have for myself...
Very early in my marriage, i had a problem and wanted to talk to him about it. He said,"I have enough problems of my own, i don't want to hear about yours." So, I rarely mentioned them over the years and found that, when I did, he would weapanize the info and at some point later to hurt me. Thankfully, I still had my mother and sister to talk to. Unfortunately, they have both passed but the narc is still here. But I've given myself permission to dislike him and that has helped. He comes off to people as a nice old man. I don't think that he likes it that i clearly see him as the old, alcoholic narc that he is.
This describes my narc husband and I totally agree with you. I had to constantly remind myself not to care bc I know for a fact it's not going to be reciprocated.
Thank you so much! Very useful information!❤❤
Dr Ramani,
I can't even begin to sum up the 30 years of narcissistic abuse I've suffered. Every scenario you describe I've witnessed. I'm so glad my sister in law referred me to your channel last year. It was liberating to see that "it truly wasn't me. " When I think of how my heart aches and all the confusion I felt when he was gaslighting and turning any given moment meant to be a joyous occasion into a hurricane! I stood by him in sickness, hospitalization something he's never done for me. I remember when I miscarried earlier in the marriage he had the audacity to imply that maybe it wasn't his child, complained about the food price when I asked him to get me something to eat and after I was released from the hospital I had to come home and cook dinner and look after our 2 yr old. Then there was a time when my brother who I was very close to was in hospice care at home and we went to see him- keep in mind he didn't have long- my narc was angry at the time I was spending and said he wanted to go visit his family! I was mortified! Anyway, you opened my eyes and I totally went gray rock. Last week after virtually no communication he texted me and said "can we talk," but it wasn't a conversation bc he announced that he was filing for divorce. Initially, I was shocked but not surprised. I am glad to know that it's not me and this is my Blessing. He was diagnosed with cancer 2 yrs ago and to think I didn't want to abandon him?
I will be reading and re reading your book - thank you ❤
I shared promotions and other good news with my narc of nearly 5 years. He NEVER gave me kudos. He ALWAYS had a way of putting my accomplishments down as if he were intimidated. He also DID NOT want to hear bad news, even when my sister was diagnosed with ALS then my dad passed. I read your first book, among many others, and found my way out last November when I learned to love and respect myself and came to the realization that he would never change. He caused more harm by his lack of consideration, for deep losses of loved ones in my life. This was the final straw. I knew he would never truly be available to me on anything other than a superficial level. I received your new book few days ago and plan on reading it this weekend. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your work, and for educating us!
That was my fake life for the past 12 years …just a big, fat lie 😞
I unfriended my sister on Facebook as part of the process of distancing. She never mentioned it. Just 1 less way she can reach me. I learned a long time ago she did not want to hear good news so I quit sharing. She would literally tell me she didn't care. I quit sharing with my husband because he would invariably say something negative. He repeatedly minimized me needing to go to doctors. Had a stress fracture that started to heal because "you don't need to go to a doctor". Had to wear a plaster cast 9 weeks. I quit sharing and started making decisions independent of him. I would tell him "I'm not asking permission, I am just letting you know I will be doing thus and such". Worked. Then he died which was sad but freeing.
🙏🩷🏈🎉 Go Dr. Ramani & Team!! 🎉🏈🩷🙏
💞💞💞 Peace & Blessings!!💞💞💞
Yes, It's possible to heal. It isn't a quick fix. I'm the "bad guy" because I set the boundary to someone that was diminishing my partner. He was using my partner to gain access to our sound studio. He hasn't been in the studio for almost 3 years. He still hoovers, gaslights, plays nice, but my partner is supporting the boundary--He is not welcome at our home/studio. My partner sees how much more fun he is having and that he doesn't have to walk around on egg shells in his own studio. I'm still to blame, and if that is what it takes, I'm okay with that! Your book is being delivered today!
How do I stop a narcissist from going through my stuff? It feels like a case of "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine", and I hate it!
Bump to this ☝️
I might hate this the most
My mum was passing away in hospital. My husband yelled “I hope you will not use this as an excuse to get out of household duties. Just making sure.”
How mean..I might have slapped him one..
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom being sick and in the hospital.
Wow, that makes my blood run cold! I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve that. You needed your husband to comfort you in your time of grief, not act like an asshole! His behavior reminds me so much of my mother. Not the same situation, but definitely the same type of response/behavior.
I hope you know you deserve more!
I'm so sorry you lost your mother and then were unsupported by your jerkwad spouse. Mine acted similarly evil when my mom and dad died, and it was horrible both times. We all deserve better, that's for sure! ❤
@donijaya pretty much!
Boy did you nail it. Yesterday after an approximately a two year long no contact period we made the mistake of letting our narcissistic family member know of a very serious upcoming surgery in our family. Thinking it was the right thing to do. We didn’t require any dialogue, we just felt they should know. Boom! The lengthy assault started with long hurtful unsympathetic “ what about poor me” attacks of lies, half truths, blame game and irrational responses.
We did not respond realizing once again we were trying to use our healthy logic with an illogical unhealthy person. It is so sad! Particularly when it’s close family that you loved and helped for so many years.
You are amazing, thank you for all the positive work you do in this realm of psychology Ramani
Three huge important ‘aha’ moments for me in this -
1. It’s about my internal boundaries - an inside game. WOW! I’ve never thought of it like that and why talking about boundaries would lead to endless arguments
2. He hates hearing my ‘good news’. His lack of ‘joy’ at good my news is obvious. Now I just won’t share instead of feeling deflated. Likewise I won’t don’t bother with bad news and be left wondering why he wouldn’t engage.
3.Talk about the weather (and the odd movie!)
Life changing thank you 🙏 💕
When my mother was diagnosed as terminal at 42. My father (my narcissist) told her to get out. Even though she had nursed him back to health after three back surgeries. She died 6 years later. He didn’t come to see her the night she died though the doctors had warned us all this was her final evening of life. He didn’t come to her funeral. And I still let that narcissistic man walk me down the aisle three years later. I hated myself for it for years. This helps. I’m finally getting to the place where I think of him less than he thinks of me. And it feels sad and incredible at the same time.
"It never really was a relationship". Those words sting deeply.
Just letting you know that your book, in Canada, is currently available in Apple Books now - it was available a few days ago. Looking forward to reading it
Thank you for sharing Dr.Ramani.Love and blessings for you and community ❤️ 🙏
Dr. Ramani some of us come from a large extended family with many people who live in the same city as we do including dozens of cousins from each aunt and from each uincle who do care however they have their own lives to live too. Peoiple like us don't have to share any news at all to our exes for them to find out about it anyway in about 24 hours or so.
@DoctorRamani Thank you for the reminders. Sometimes I have to remind myself that things go bad when I avoid hearing about recovery issues, even when I feel overwhelmed with recovery. I needed this video. Thanks again.
TY, Ramani, for your gentle yet empowering reminders & tools.
Thank you so much, from my heart, for being so real and authentic. As I listened to you speak, the tears rolled down my cheeks because I felt like I wasn’t alone. These are complicated emotions but so necessary to feel. This is exactly what I needed today in this moment. And, your book arrived this morning so I’m headed to chapter 8. Much love and gratitude.
Kinda feel trapped when your in one. Freedom is priceless, especally after you lost everything and everyone. Therapy will help you through the storms in life.
Spot on as always Dr. Ramani. The good, never told my mother I got my master's degree. I don't regret it one bit. The bad, the day I ended up in the hospital was the beginning of the end of my marriage. His attitude was beyond despicable. The indifferent yep that was all I could "talk" about with both of them. Mother died last year, been out of the marriage for years too.
Thank you for your wisdom Dr. Ramani! ❤❤
Fortunately I could go no contact completely with my narc ex-friend. That’s my boundary.
I feel for all of you who are living with one. Boundaries must be hard.
"inside game"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!👍👍👍❤❤❤
This just made me feel seen. My parents are narcissist and I always feel bad and guilty for not sharing with them, especially good things. But they always rain on my parade and make it about them no matter what. Imma keep going.
You got this, you're not alone. Keep going!
Ordered your book 🎉 followed you for 2 years 🎉 you are the reason I got out of a narcissistic relationship of 5 months. It was horrendous …. Moved him in my home, met his daughter…text book. Love your work so much I’d love to help educate women x ❤ Amazing woman x
Dr. Ramani you are the best.
The line, "this isn't a relationship....it never really was..." No matter how much radical acceptance I have, I have to come back to your channel to refresh myself.
The other day, my 5 year old was at school. He was bitten by a puppy dog who had manged to sneak into the school garden and was playing around with the kids. I know. The school holds great responsibility and their negligence led to this incident. However, at that specific time when I was informed by the devastated school authorities, my focus was on getting the child to the hospital. The bite was just a nick, my son wasn't in pain or crying. In fact, he was disappointed that the puppy had not returned his love in the same way. I didn't want to start screaming or making the child upset so I walked back home and mentally prepared to get to the hospital in next few minutes. My elder son who was also with me ran inside the house and lo and behold...informed my narcissistic husband who wouldn't be bothered with taking the kids to school or bring them back home or even prepare lunch or dinner. On top of it, he was sleeping. My son had committed the crime of waking him up and then telling him the bad news. Whole hell broke loose and even delayed my plan of taking the younger one to the hospital. He started yelling at me, calling me a failure, a bad mom and a useless person who was unable to protect her child. I was so careless that if a car hit him and he died I would be telling him the news with a straight face! I held back my tears as I forced my self to keep moving through the fog of contempt, anger and disbelief in order to do what needed to be done. I quickly put the necessary things in my bag, packed up some snacks for the kids and took my car keys, all the time struggling mentally to focus as i was bombarded with hatred and dehumanisation. He said he was so angry that he wouldn't accompany me to the hospital and jumped right back into bed before ordering me to get lunch because I was so incompetent to have prepared it before I left to pick up the kids from school. I managed to get the child to the hospital and receive the necessary treatment, pick up lunch for the narc and the kids and come home and manage the household stuff as well. However, no matter how much I exercised radical acceptance, detachment from the narc and self control, physiological symptoms hit me. Was it from betrayal of omission or as a result of the severe verbal abuse from the narcissist, I was seriously sick for the next 30 hours, suffering from debilitating migraines, vomiting, stomach upset and body aches and pains. Nonetheless, I dare not share it with the narc. I called some house help to help me with house keeping while I managed myself with over the counter medicines and taking time off work. All of this from sharing the bad news with the narc. I'm slowly teaching my children to learn to manage this narcissistic abuse. I cannot move out at the moment but I hope I do because I cannot take this any longer
So much fun at the book signing last night. So happy for you Dr. Ramani! Penne Warner 🎉🎉🎉🎉 you are a true hero in so many woman’s life’s. Such a strong connections were made last night! Love you Dr. R and you are even more bright and shiny in person!! 😊 You glow girl!
and 💪 yes you are right I did make it and come out even better! 5 years and finally back to super me! 🦹🏼♀️ You can do it! 🤩🥳😎🙌🎊
Even if they seem excited, theyre dead behind the eyes at your good news. I mistakenly told the enabler about my nee job and she told the narc. His "congratulations" made me cringe as he's been a dick otherwise.
I'm disabled and can still do things for myself, which has brought me to refuse help a few times. I refused help for tasks well within my capabilities and was labeled as controlling.
At around 6:24, Dr. Ramani, you say you got some really good news. I want to cheer for you!! 🙌👍 ❤ You give so much of yourself to us, how can we ever thank you for bringing us up from the depths of despair?? You deserve everything good that can happen for you. You have a pure heart. I bought your book, and I hope it becomes a huge best seller success. The world needs to hear what you have to say!
When I get good news they are not interested. A simple “that’s good”
Boundaries are an inside game. This is a great reminder.
I don’t know, at least any time since I started learning that about narcissism, that I gave a narcissistic person my good news, because I felt it might make me look cool to them. Maybe more so, I simply shared it, because I was trying to take their temperature, on what an a**hole they were gonna be about it. But, generally, I do t share good news, unless it affects something I’m involved in, like work. This is no longer a “celebrate with you” world, at least as far as I can see. Particularly, when it comes to triumphs I’ve had, concerning my narcissistic family also? I know most people wish I’d lose. In their minds, winning is not for victims and certainly not for people who went against their family’s agenda, even if that meant their own destruction. That, other than the fact that so many, have so many bad, hidden things going on in their lives, they likely find it hard to celebrate anything, in a world that only shows wins, like on Facebook.
I lost a pet recently and, with a narcissistic acquaintance of mine, their reaction wasn’t surprising. I could see that showing empathy was like giving birth and the only reason why they did the minimum, in showing any empathy, was because they were still hoping to get something out of me.
Thank you! I'm so excited the book has arrived ❣️
Oh but setting those boundaries makes them work so much harder to break them down. Even calling me by my full name to my own mother and family is too much. They have to control my name they feel too. LOL, Great content as always. Cheers
Oww yes :( having a narcissistic family, had to learn empathy alone 😔
Oh how I love your humanity honesty and total Accuracy!!!! Thank you
Good afternoon. I've been trying to confirm my purchase to get the bonuses with you and it wouldn't ever go through and now the link is gone🤷🏼♀️ Can you please help. Thanks
What if you have no one because of years 48 of manipulation.
@JAYNEmM1962 , You are deserving of happiness! Ask for help until you get it!
Better to be alone and be able develop new healthy relationships than be in an abusive relationship. Godspeed in your healing.
A good reason to have a therapist if you don't have those supportive people in your life.
A caring one. Many truly do not care
The good news advice is soo true. I learned that lesson the hard way when I told my mom I won $46K in scholarships for a very good university.
She was not happy for me. It bothered me, so I called back and asked why. She said that she wasn't happy because education was not something she valued but if I had told her I was dating a Mormon man, then I'd see her happy. My mom did not marry a Mormon man. Nor did she graduate high school.
I am trying the same to treat my husband as a roommate until I heal from this relationship and know when I can leave. I am 65 years old and you do think of the financial aspect and I am able work part time and help with my grandchildren .As I read her book it seems to me freedom is what I am praying for now and healing from all mental abuse. So I put divorce or separation on hold for now and working on me and I am starting to love myself and venture out with friends. I am practicing grey rock and I am in a Bible study also I share my emotions and good things that happen to me with my brother and good close friends. Prayers for all of us who have been in a truly narcissistic abuse relationship.I asked God now for discernment and wisdom before any relationship!
My mothers go to comment when something bad happened to me was “ how could you do this to me?” If something good happened like the time I got the best mark on the exam, she’d minimize it and say, “ oh it was probably an easy exam and everyone got a good mark.” I stopped sharing anything important ,good, bad or ugly with her a few years ago. Unfortunately, now I have to learn how to celebrate my accomplishments rather than stay humble and stay under the radar.
Greetings Dr. Ramani, hope you and your love ones are doing well.
PLEASE! I need an answer to this question.
Can a woman(or anyone) act and behave 100% exactly as a Covert NPD for some time but NOT be one?
Me: I had a stroke.
Narc: Oh, that’s too bad. I’m so sorry.
Complete silence. Then, two years later:
Narc: Send me money!
One year after that:
Narc: How come you don’t call me?
Dear Dr. Ramani. This week, my therapist got your book- It's Not You. Thank you. This is the first time in 2 years she has used the term "narcissistically abused" to refer to me. She just didn't believe in it before. She didn't understand this type of abuse. When she saw your book, she got it because she said she needed to learn about what I said I was going through. It's so validating when your therapist can say, yes, you have been narcissistically abused and now let's see what we can do to alleviate your trauma and pain. Thank you for making this more accessible and popular. After a 30 year marriage to an NPD, (divorced now-actually discarded) I struggle. Here's hoping for better days. Love you-thanks again.
.. but x
Harsh and painful truth, but it needs to be said. Your health problems are so irritating to them, you don't serve any purpose to them...don't hope that it will get better.
Even grosse behaviour you can expirience. On the outside they would be doing everything for you (going to pharmacy, store etc.)and trying to be so obvious to others how caring and loving they are. Performance to be seen by others how great they are, sacrificing themself...
But behind the doors, when no one is watching...agressive, yelling, insulting monster is there. Minimazing your health problems to beyond believing...😔 Don't have illusion of any kind of help. Literally, telling you to stop "complaining, dramatazing, disturbing them..." dead or alive.
Seriously listen what have been said in this video. Try to find supportive, trustworthy people or person and share bad news with them first!
Thank you dr.Ramani for putting out such important and life saving information, advice, notice.
Whatever your good news is, Dr. Ramani, Congratulations!!
Not sharing news… I told my mom that I finally submitted my thesis for my PhD. Her answer : great, now you have more time to help me. Then I realized that after all those years of hard work, she doesn’t even know the subject of my research… oh well, I’m just not surprised.
Story time: I had my narcissistic mom come babysit my toddler when I had a miscarriage last year and I needed help watching him. She made everything about herself, how upset she was, etc. She told me about her "funny" miscarriage story from many years ago. Then she went on and on about her family's health issues and her own health issues. Then when I would have moments where I would cry she just looked at me and said, "why are you crying?" She also told me, " it's a good thing you had your miscarriage this time and not with the first pregnancy or you wouldn't have your son here." Lastly, there was a moment where I was crying and I watched her try to cry for about 30 seconds and when she couldn't force it she just gave up and went back to her normal face. Needless to say, it wasn't all that helpful to have her there 🤦
I stayed with a friend when I moved to a new city- her behaviour was appalling and controlling and super off. I didn't realise till later she was text book narcissist.
One thing she did that I want to note here is: she was really patronising. I didn'tknow what to call it at the time, i just knew that she was saying nice things, but I felt uncomfortable and disrespected somehow.
Later, I realised her remarks were a power game where she set herself up as the judge and approver and giver of compliments - as if I was an inept child and she was proud and surprised I actually managed to find a place to live.
I'd just finished sending my child off to higher education, selling a house and disposing of or packing all the stuff on the property! I wasn't some irresponsible or inept baby human. She was a single lady in her 60s me in my 50s.
So yes, that was her way of making it all about her and her being superior.
I cannot explain in words how helpful dr Ramani has been over the years. Even my therapist lack understanding and knowledge about how deep cut narcissist actions could wound people.
On this topic, I want to warn folks about boundary setting when you have a dangerous narcissist. Stating your boundaries is just a benchmark to them as to what they need to be able to violate, like a challenge. Please be careful.
I think if your with a mild vulnerable narcissist that you can have temporary success for setting boundaries. I know I did. She did not rage at me, when I did. She would often go silent, make excuses for whey she was pushing for what she wanted. Then she would find something else to try to manipulate me with. But ultimately me being able to set strong boundaries with her, mitigated some of the damage she was able to do with her previous partners.
I have to approach the narcissists in my life carefully. Just be polite and agree with everything she says when establishing a boundary to avoid conflict with them, even when they being rude. I must avoid believing anything they say while doing so.
Excellent, Dr. Ramani. Thank you. (I just got your book). ❤
That is what I really needed to hear. I remember rhat I could pass a really important exam for my carier and the day after my narc hausband made a big fight. That was the onset of a big period of panic attacks and severe depression in me. Hopefully I got help and could pass through it.
The narcissist will find a way to insult you, no matter the topic. The easiest way is to get them taking about themselves. Periodically say how smart or amazing they are. They never even notice that you aren't sharing about yourself.
Hey 👋🏻
hello 👋❤️
@pinkmeadows , hey !😊
My cousin made my mom's death about herself. She would say rude things about hoe she can't go on when she was MY mother. Couldn't read the room. Then she started saying my mom was like a mom to her although she had a loving mother. The fact is my cousin treated my mom like shit and the last time she saw her in person, my cousin told her sister that my mom was lunatic that needed to be locked up. She begged for items of my mom so we gave her some of my moms daycare toys as she just had a daughter (that she said my mom wanted more than she did). She sold them and lied and said she donated them. She told me to get.out if her life bc I was upset so I did. Occasionally she will message me yelling at me for something that the rest of my family did (and didn't get yelled at). And she always tries to manipulate me by saying my mom came to her in a dream and told me to stop fighting with her. I've just cut her out bc its too much drama for me
Thanks for sharing the message on not to share good news to everyone, esp narcs.
I was feeling upset that I wasted my life behind some people. Good to know now itself than waste more years.
Me encanta el inicio. El gossip effect. Devastating. Resilience and massive deportations with all n all.
I had to have hip surgery and while I was recovering my father made me move furniture with him and If I didn't he would throw me out of the home without my crutches.
so basically don’t tell narcissists anything. got it
Do you go more into 'Call to Action' in your book?
I could kiss you Dr Ramani! What you have just described is EXACTLY what I have been searching for! I can't wait to read your book, got it two days ago 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I was clapping at F them!!❤
I got your book. Excited😊
Excellent advice truly!!
Not a comment on how to handle your personal situation at all. One thing I'd keep in mind, and even more so with people that don't know you, is that they'll generally treat you by whatever you give them. I'm covered from chest to feet in tattoos, yet most people that meet me think I have not a single one. I've had several severe head injuries in my lifetime and even have a scar going ear to ear, yet no one knows unless I tell them. Even some including a few of my doctors, don't know that my skull collapsed and I'm missing a large portion of my brain. Even in spite of having a large dent in my skull. My issues in general just aren't noncable to people.
Would go on, however, my point with this is very simple. We pride ourselves with being great judges of other people. Yet at the same time, no one is good at it. We simply miss too much to properly judge anyone.
That isn't to say one can't judge other people's work, nor the consequences of their actions and how they came to be as such. It's more to say we don't really know why they're doing what they're doing, nor what they're really thinking or even if they're even thinking about what they're doing. It's also to say that people work off of what you tell them about yourself. They will generally treat you by how you talk about yourself.
Side Note: I'm in my 40s, however, I look like a 20-year-old. It's very common for people in their 30s and older to call me a kid and start rambling on about how life is going to change when I reach my 40s. About how my knees will start hurting and I'll wake up with aches and pain. None of which I've experienced at this age. They love to talk about themselves, and I don't mind listening to them. The thing is, it's very rare anyone asks me questions other than how to do things. Also, not the kind of person to correct them on their mistakes about me. It's highly likely I make the same mistakes with everyone I meet as well. So, don't get it crossed.
Anyway, no one is able to judge you properly. They're going to make mistakes about you. As such, there's no real reason to care about what they mistakenly think about you. We have to know ourselves. We can to some extent control how people view us. But at the end of the day, it only really matters what we think about ourselves. And we have to understand ourselves before we'll know what all of our actual boundaries are. That isn't to say we can't set boundaries when we've yet to figure that out. Even at my age, I'm not really sure what I'd say I am other than me.
If you're reading this. I hope you're able to figure it out for yourself and that you thrive in life. If you're like me, it's perfectly fine that you are always growing and changing. Don't get hung up on yourself if you can't figure yourself out.