Me too. And what's worse in my case is I *will* pretty much give her almost everything i can give to her just to make her comfortable staying with me, even if it take a huge toll on me. I need help
From what I've noticed in my own life, I was the clingiest when I had no value in myself. I wanted to spend all my time with this other person because it was the best thing I had going, it was the only thing I had going. So I wanted to make the most of it. Nothing else in the world made me feel special or wanted. Now that I'm in a position where I have my own value, I'm not constantly texting or thinking of them. I have my own crap to deal with. You have to find ways to make yourself feel special. It's like adding colors of paint to white. You add in red, that white is going to instantly turn red. But if you already have your own greens, blues, purples, browns, and pinks in there, that red won't dilute the color as much. It's not something you can solve by just playing games, putting the ball in their court. That's a good start, but you're still going to obsess waiting for that next message. You need to add value to your life outside of a girlfriend or boyfriend that makes you feel good about yourself.
I have a mantra 🕉 for my past clingy behavior… “I forgive myself for viewing someone’s lack of reciprocation as a challenge to convince them of my worth.” If you repetitively find yourself being clingy, there’s a good chance there’s an underlying self-worth issue that needs to be addressed. You’re looking for reassurance and acceptance outside of yourself… but you actually need to provide it to yourself. Easier said than done 😅
I'm noticing this about myself a lot lately. My problem is that if I start acting like I don't care, I eventually won't because then I realize that I'm putting more effort in than they are and then I actually do start to not care. Thus I start to question why bother to continue talking...
@@roboky101 that honestly sounds healthy to me. If someone isn’t putting in as much effort, and you start to lose feelings as opposed to gaining more intense feelings and a more intense desire for reciprocation (which has been my unfortunate pattern in the past)… that’s a good sign you have a certain level of respect for yourself. The right person will match you.
After a year of watching this channel I am finally ok with myself. I’m actually afraid of the idea of meeting someone that I might want to be in a relationship with because I have never been so content with myself before. 😂
@@naxT890 I am slowly but surely becoming my own best friend. (Save a few moments from time to time where I spiral back into self-deprecation and fear I’ll never be good enough.. whatever that means😆… good enough for WHAT?! The emotional safety I craved in childhood? 🤣 that’s not my fault I didn’t have that lmao)
Dude, i'd kill for clingy friends tbh. I'm tired of feeling neglected and unwanted in friend circles and always taking the initiative to be involved. I want to feel like i'm included and vital in the social group and I want them to always make the first move.
I feel like this is something nobody adresses. I'm well aware I've got some work to do on my side but sometimes it feels like no one will hit the ball back. I have slowly taken a back seat in most of my circles because i always found myself hosting and organizing and it was exhausting when no one would put any effort in. Interestingly some friend grups after a while of radio silence, some other people started organizing hang outs, and that's really what made me realize just how internal the "clingy-ness" is
Get one clingy friend and you'd say otherwise. Seriously telling you when people start overstepping boundaries it is just not desirable at all. "Clingy" friendships are made slowly over years not on a whim.
Clingy is the cruelest word. You’re not clingy. You’re just looking for somewhere to direct your love. The only problem with giving it all to others is that we also need to RESPECT them, not just love them. That means we need to know they don’t always want to receive love at every given moment because they have their own dreams and goals. The solution is to find a balance of non-people goals to put your love into, and then also people to put your love into.
“To the wrong person, your absolute best still won’t be good enough. To the right person, at your worst you’ll still be worth it” and “no one is more busy than someone who isn’t into you” are two quotes that always stuck with me. I think they can be applied to any relationship, not just romantic Edit: I just realized that the first quote could be read as “iF YoU cAn’T HaNdLe mE At mY wOrSt, YoU DoN’t dEsErVe Me aT My bEsT” which super isn’t the vibe I meant it as
i don't feel that your first quote is at all similar to “iF YoU cAn’T HaNdLe mE At mY wOrSt, YoU DoN’t dEsErVe Me aT My bEsT”. i read it as "not everyone is a right fit for you, so if it doesn't pan out with one person, doesn't mean it won't pan out with another."
I guess the first saying applies when you're not being a shitty person on purpose or inconsiderate. In other words, actually working towards a better, healthier relationship and not trying to be or not caring about being toxic or a burden to someone else.
It feels horrible when both the cases apply to the same person. I had to break up with them because of this contradiction, made me feel like they were lying or being with me for benefits
LMAO does anyone remember the video when Dr. K said that quote and said that that's excuse to be an intolerable asshole or something along those lines. I needa hear it again
My therapist told me my clinginess and literal obsession over certain people in my life is the need for instant gratification/validation from them. I was changed from that moment on now that I had a catalyst for my actions.
As a woman, I've struggled with this as well. I suffer with anxiety and in bad days I get super clingy, and have difficulty being alone. Sometimes this is too heavy on my boyfriend. He warns me that he has to work and needs his time to himself as well. So I concentrate all my energy on being self suficient, and find something to do. Honestly, it works! It even helps get past the anxiety episode, but I do become more distant in the next few days. This has worked for me, as I'm finding my own ways to be more self-suficient during a crises. Find something to do and concentrate. Things I do that help are: journaling, crocheting, playing games (usually games that require attention like mobas), planning something. Things that don't help: watching something (too passive), calm games, drawing and reading.
Thank you for listing out what does and doesn’t help for you! I haven’t been doing anything and this anxiety is eating at me and I became clingy and obsessed. I’m going to try to be productive and self sufficient!
@@hagridswagrid2643 Hello there. Allow me to say that therapy has helped wonders. I kept some of the hobbies I picked up to control anxiety to this day. It can be anything that you need to pay attention to, as in, you're activelly doing it. Any physical activity works, as I've found out later. Hang in there, this won't be forever.
You're not a boomer, Dr. K. You're right with the "good morning" texts and I think this is the kind of thing that "nice guys" do and then when women are freaked out by the innapropiate level of intimacy with a stranger (basically), they start blaming women for not liking them and them needing to stop caring so they won't be rejected anymore
I agree with the sentiment of "what are you expecting from the relationship?" People often will think about "how do i get this person to like me/sleep with me/ be with me" but we don't even know what the other person wants. I used to be really clingy and really wanted ppl to like me, but i realized that maybe they just didn't want that level of relationship and that's fine. You should reserve your energy for someone who will give the same amount
The issue with that is recently I’ve been dealing with my own confusing situation where I’ve been talking to a girl for a short amount of time and wanted to be real with her so I told her that I would be ok with a relationship after we got to know eachother and she said that she agrees but also said that in the future she could totally not have that interest so I’m in a weird spot where she believes that it could be possible but it isn’t a guarantee so I don’t really know how to feel or what to do should I try to interact the same more weird spot so I am reserving the nervy for someone who may be into me after we know eachother
@@walkergren4192 just go for it. shes completely right, nothing in life is guaranteed especially romantic relationships. if you go out with her and she loses interest(heck, you may lose interest), deal with it and be glad you had that experience. but if it works out you could have a good relationship with her.
@@meepmoop2308 I typed it weird I realize I shoulda been clearer we are just starting to get to know eachother and I wanted to make sure that i knew if she wanted to be more in the future and she doesn’t know if she wants a relationship with me yet so I’m in a good spot but I have to wait and it’s just patience the only thing is getting my hopes up is super scary so basically honestly it’s jsut the first steps in what could be a relationship it’s not a weird situation it’s jsut having so it up to early I’m glad but also it feels weird
24 minutes of a well-served roast that I needed to hear, forgetting about the other persons experience is something I'm ALSO guilty of & I think it's going to take me facing my fear of being alone to overcome this
Do unto others as they do unto you. If you're always the one texting and reaching out. If they don't respond and when they do, its only like one work answers, give it some time. If this behavior is repeated constantly then that should tell you what you need to know. Once or twice can be explained with a bad day. Consistently being blown off is a pattern tho. A lot of time clingy people are overly afraid of losing the relationship. But ask yourself this: if you are the only one putting in any effort. If the only thing keeping the relationship from dying is your clinginess. Maybe that relationship deserves to die.
I'd say start with "treat others how you wish you to be treated" and if that doesn't work then "treat others how they have treated you" And maybe as a cherry on top, "when in doubt, just ask"
I think this is totally true for relationships, but sometimes for adult friendships you have to be the person who always reaches out. I have a couple friends who are really "type b"and will just never be the ones to come up with plans lol. But when we hang out it's still fun and genuine
i needed this even at age 32. i couldn't understand the concept before you explained it so simply. i am highly intuitive, emotional, and engaged and never learned that people ~feel~ differently than i do about interactions and relationships (simply put, i'm rather strange and overly sensitive). for me, i expect people to go to the same lengths i do when i can sense the same amount of positive feedback. patience and a casual regard for others is the best thing i've learned in my life thus far. it's really helped that i can be more nonchalant and patient with others without investing so much of my time, energy, and effort into them even though it may initially seem they have the same interest in me. thank you dr. k!
There is nothing that I find more sexy in someone than self-love and emotional independence. Like, it is a whole new experience when you can talk to someone without feeling that they are putting all their happiness and expectations in you! There is room for passion and at the sime time slow-burn interest
I totally agree. In general I prefer to spend time with people like this. As a matter of fact, I think the intimacy and passion is better this way because you're two people sharing their completeness, instead of desperately trying to feel completed.
This is something I have struggled with for a really long time. We moved a lot growing up, so I was always ripped away from every friendship I ever had, on a constant basis. I'm very extroverted, and being secluded for too long drains my soul and leaves me exhausted. So, I would desperately search for whatever morsels of socialization I could find. I'd cling like mad to anyone who'd give me the time of day, no matter how toxic it was. Advice like this actually really bothered me. It felt like I was being told that I just needed to accept being isolated and alone all the time. Like dragging your body through a desert for days, only to be told that "actually, your desperate need for water is causing all of your problems. Just stop being thirsty, bro!" I wish someone had told me that there's a difference between spending a lot of time with someone because you're super compatible and both want to, versus spending a lot of time with someone because you're terrified they'll drift away if you don't.
Yeah, after I graduated, the next 2 years of my life was spent working 6 day weeks and I never had time to socialize or even live my life. I lost a lot of friendships because of it and once I finally quit and started a new job, I got mega attached to any co worker that would talk to me. It's a starvation mindset that tells you, "You spent so much of your past losing people, if you don't stick around these new ones at all times you'll lose them too." It's tragic that we've been lived through circumstances that teaches our minds to be afraid of being alone, but forcing friendships only pushes people away, and eventually when you do find those people you *click* with it'll all be worth it.
The pandemic was really unhealthy too for me as an (occasional) extrovert. It felt like my boyfriend was the only person I could talk to so I would cling to him so much. It doesn’t help that extroverts are seen as noisy validation-seeking attention whores these days and that introversion is significantly popular. Being alone works for some and doesn't work for the rest. It works for me sometimes too but not always so it really pains me to hear that I should feel more comfortable when I'm alone even though I won't always feel that way.
This is verbatim exactly what I’m experiencing rn after moving to california from Canada and basically spending the majority of my life moving around in Canada before that.
love this video. I'm a woman on the other side of this interaction several times a month with different men. we'll have a brief chat about a movie or a cool restaurant and then suddenly they're messaging me every day, asking to chat on the phone, complimenting my appearance. it's so intense. I'll occasionally tell them I feel uncomfortable with the level of intimacy, but otherwise it is very difficult to reject someone who has never asked me out. so thankful for Dr. K to address this topic.
I think what you've experienced us exactly what he's talking about. The person that is thinking about their needs and desire but are not really taking yours into consideration
I wonder why it's so often the guy being clingy. I've seen women who were clingy but it's very rare. It's probably a societal issue that we as a species need to sort out. I would also dare to say a lot of Internet/nerd culture has turned lots of good men insecure and unable to just... spit out what they're feeling. And what's worse is that instead of going to someone like Dr. K, they go to forum boards to talk about their issues, often getting replies like, "It's just the woman's fault, you need to be even pushier, or neg her." which is... literally the opposite of what they should do.
@@bugjams I think part of it comes from the fact that many men grow up without positive support systems. they may not be complimented much. they dont grow up with as many outlets to have deep conversations. women on the other hand grow up being taught to make the other person feel comfortable by being very warm and friendly. we do this to everyone, not just men that we're interested in. sometimes guys take that polite friendliness as romantic interest or deep connection. I'm glad someone like Dr. K is able to spread awareness on issues like this. I do think that's the first step towards men and women expressing the challenges they face and solving them together rather than arguing who has it worse.
@@bugjams For me personally, it's the deep societal programming that my basic needs for human connection are (as a guy) self-serving, inherently harmful, and unwelcome that gets in the way of just saying what I feel. Talking openly to someone I think I might like is an act of aggression, unless I read all the signals correctly and know for sure, before I even introduce myself, that she is open to conversation -- which, in the society I find myself living in, never _appears_ to be the case (partly because most of the signals I'm supposed to be watching out for are bullshit, but y'know... that's the programming). When conversation _does_ happen, there is a whole set of rules I need to follow to do everything right -- rules that different people have different ideas about -- to build connection in a way that is somehow simultaneously bold yet non-threatening, indirect yet clear and assertive. And it is unilaterally _my_ job, according to the script society handed me, to make sure the whole complicated dance goes smoothly. If anything goes wrong, it's obviously because _I_ fucked everything up. And so I go about my life saying nothing, doing nothing, because I want to be a good person and am mindful of my impact and don't want to inconvenience or scare anybody with my perfectly normal human desires that society has taught me are not-okay. Of course, being "safe" doesn't work because now my communication and my actions are incongruent. I have unclear intentions. I'm being sneaky and manipulative. I have an "agenda." Few people understand that yeah, _of course_ I have an agenda: to convey my genuine, heartfelt interest in another person in the language I was taught to speak. Meanwhile, I see people all around me thriving because they're breaking-all-the-rules and taking the liberties in life that I was never "allowed" to take. Doing the kinds of things that would make me feel like an asshole for trying, but it works, because direct communication is the language humans _actually_ speak. A major problem in our communication is that we've responded to the trauma of patriarchal abuse by imposing all these artificial defense strategies in place to protect ourselves from pain. With everyone on every side feeling so defensive, there is no avenue for connection and play unless you're the kind of person who doesn't really care about TheRules. This experience paves the way for many guys to believe (quite reasonably! when you follow the emotional logic) that "women are lying about wanting nice guys and actually crave the attention of assholes." And for women to believe (also quite reasonably!) that most guys really do seem to be assholes... _especially_ the so-called "nice" ones. Speaking generally, the people who seem to be the most invested in keeping their communication straight appears to be the broader queer community. (Makes sense. Bucking societal norms in general is totally their jam.) Perhaps not coincidentally, nearly every person in my close circle has some sort of openly queer identity marker and I feel this is the crowd where "my people" are far more easily found. Unfortunately, because our foundational social traumas are so hard to shake until everybody decides to do some serious work toward reconciliation in our shattered social fabric, some of my identity markers tend not to be very welcome in the queer space. (It doesn't help that genuine work toward reconciliation is so hampered by Those In Power profiting so abundantly from fueling our divisions.) So I find myself kind of caught in a socially vacuous void between worlds, at least until I finish de-programming myself enough to get my own communication shit aligned with what human connectivity is supposed to be. Tl;dr: Dodged going full "redpill" thank goodness, but I have... opinions... that may be received unpopularly on all sides. Listen to your hearts though, everybody. You know it to be true.
@@umbrascitor2079 There's a lot to unpack here. I'd like to understand your comment better if you don't mind answering some questions. 1) What are your basic needs for human connection? Is this referring to sex or just general interactions with others? 2) What are The Rules? Are they flexible rules if different people have different ideas about them? 3) Why is it your job to follow the script when you describe others thriving by breaking them? 4) What are these identity markers for both the queer crowd and yourself and why would you not be welcome in that space? 5) Who are Those In Power and how do they profit from fueling divisions?
I can feel clingy but chose not to express it. I kind of told myself that it’s okay to want something but I shouldn’t expect it. Until I see the interest then I would reciprocate it. And I’m okay with letting go.
I'm in the same boat except I still hurt when I let go. I've been coliving with a close friend for 2 months. We are both the type to be so introverted and shy, it was difficult for each of us to socialize. But together we made some friends, we talked to strangers. We had so much fun going out, it kinda changed our lives. A lot happened during these past months and now we are closer than ever, she really is my best friend of all time. We can talk about anything going on with our lives pretty much any day of the week with no filter, be happy, sad, angry, vulnerable at wish. The bad thing is I caught feelings for her and I felt like being clingy recently. I'm craving intimate attention and I know for sure this is not reciprocated. I think I have to let go of that in some way ... but I haven't been able to tell her anything about this yet. I'm not ready for the pain.
I wish I found this video sooner. My clinginess made me lose someone that I was so in to. We had a really good start. It ended up with me getting in a deep depression that lasted ever since. I still regret and hate myself for what I've done.
agreed, don't be so hard on yourself even if by just a little:) You're not a horrible person for being human and wanting connection. In the past ive been the same way, but I have learned/am learning that someone you have to try so hard to keep around you and change so much of yourself for is probably not worth it. You are also worth the effort, and sometimes you have to be that someone for yourself. This is one year late, hope you're doing better tho:). I'm still learning this myself. cheers
Same. Been a year and a half of trying to get over heartbreak but instead of starting feeling good im just depressed about other things too. Why wouldn’t i? I’m just no good and don’t have achievable goals
Thanks man. I used to be a "clingy" person and I realized these things as well AFTER experiencing some jit. I thought, I don't like everything that everyone do so why are THEY required to like what I do?. It made me realize that it's fine if they don't reply to me, they just ain't on the same wave as me. I don't have to force them into it, nor do I have to lower myself to fit their needs. I can just be myself and not try to fit in with everyone. I know that people will leave but at the same time people will stay. It don't matter if I lose some people, it just means we ain't THAT compatible, just move on life keeps rolling.
Notes(For Myself): Clinginess --> Springs from a great interaction with the person(like a new video game that you enjoy, you want to have that same experience the next day) To straighten and effectively communicate with the other person, make intentions clear as to not confuse them(friend-zoned). Match the other person's intensity of interaction; if they eventually want to continue the relationship, then that level of intensity should increase on a relatively equal scale over time(not just romantic relationships). If the intensity of interaction is not equal, then oftentimes the relationship will fail(One person might look to others for a relationship more on their level). ! - Make your own boundaries known and ask if the other person would like the relationship to continue if they do not respond after a while.
It's videos like this that really cement the fact that you're a great content creator/therapist I've just started to kind of go down the rabbit hole of your various videos and I have to say their phenomenal even the ones that are really long I have ADHD so that can be a challenge for me I find myself being able to get through an hour hour and a half sometimes 2 hours and that says a lot that being said the fact if you can help one person you have a tremendously powerful career and purpose, either way just appreciate you 🙏🔥
In the same boat, just got out of a 20 month relationship where I lost myself in the realtionship. The relationship before that one ended due to the same reason, it's all about growth and learning. We will all get there :)
As a fellow clingy nerd with really high emotional needs- find other things that help meet your needs!! So you don't end up pushing all of that on one person, especially not on someone you're just getting to know! For example, I adopted a pet and volunteer at an animal shelter. The company and the feeling of "being useful" helps me feel accomplished and lower the loneliness levels. Keep yourself busy with things that "fill your cup" and bring you joy, not just blindly busy, that will just make you lonely AND tired.
Has there been any Dr.K video made on the opposite topic? How to better deal with clingy people instead of just getting annoyed and maybe end up hurting them?
It’s the clingy person who needs to change their behaviour, so I think it makes sense for dr K to focus on that perspective in his videos. Though I think a video on… idk social guilt? Uncomfortable conversations? would be a good one. It can cause a lot of guilt to have to cut someone off for being clingy or to have to tell them that they are acting inappropriately. Saying something you know will hurt someone can be really uncomfortable and people shy away from discomfort. However it’s really important that we are able to set these sorts of boundaries, and to be able to face these sorts of conversations ourselves. People trying to hide from uncomfortable conversations all the time is what leads to “ghosting” being a trend.
The problem with acting like you don’t give af is that it attracts people that don’t respect themselves and are usually looking for someone that is unavailable. It’s an exhausting dance and not worth the effort or mental gymnastics that are required to keep that dance going.
@@THEINFERNOKID TDLR Sorry you can’t just not care about your significant other whenever you feel it when you literally said you cared about them when you got into the relationship? What rules? everyone has relationships pits (men and women) they fall into why are you upset. It’s literally attracting people who are weak in those areas, making that relationship shallow from the start. Complimenting the girl who feels like the ugliest person in the room over and over, isn’t always obvious on the outside. She probably liked John who would take time to come over to compliment that because the behavior mimics actual traits personality wise to get to know (that she hadn’t seen in other relationships). But if you get to know someone you will recognize they are insecure and y’all as a couple should work on that (it’s a different problem if you aren’t growing together, a healthy relationship should) and stop nurturing it. But everyone has different things, People with neglectful parents might get into a relationship with a person who pays no attention to them for 6 months because they are having a hard time in their life and if feels safe. But after work relaxes maybe she realizes someone who never gives me my time of day shouldn’t be my husband, I’m not attracted to the same element as 6 months ago and the shell personality is out of the honeymoon phase. All people date for marriage or happiness (generally), and if after the crush is done if you never had what you originally offered after compliments (attentiveness, someone to listen to you, etc) they leave . Fill multiple needs than. It’s not “mentally games”, a relationship takes energy out of both sides. A relationship like that wasn’t based on anything though, so it falls apart and keeps men like you guessing why a person who left the relationship with confidence because the relationship lacked connection of a person than a purchase of a wife, but the need was filled for months on that dance. If that guy just wanted a person accept all their “gf” things they want for them (flowers, not a gesture everyone likes but is still expected to light up 3 months in despite saying it passed over by “I’m such a good bf suprising her with flowers”) when the girl who actually wasn’t the ugliest girl notices this man only sees me for what they offer him in idea, he hurts her NO RULES. Anyone is! Relationships are a connection if you didn’t “win” the game, maybe because It’s not a game it’s a person. If you were ok to tolerate why weren’t you ok to date? After all these “women” the common denominator is you, a long pattern of toxic women would actually present a problem to fix in your selection. Like fishing for compliments from insecurity left by your ex who talk down to you for years? Or getting into neglectful relationships when stressed ignoring red flags? Why did these women get with you if they thought you couldn’t follow the “rules” when they are trying to invest in a future with you? Healthy relationships a person leaves a cheater (example) because they expected you to follow the rule to not cheat. What were they disappointed by? …sir?
Dr. K you're amazing, I just started this new relationship and my clinginess was causing me to feel insecure despite there not really being a reason for my insecurities, watching this has really helped me out and calmed me down. Dude you're amazing.
In my 53 years, I've had to learn this through trial and error. Your video articulates so succinctly and so perfectly! I have not come across a better video, or any other form for that matter. Of course there are nuances and a great deal of personal growth that go along with this, but that would only make the core point of your video cloudy and add a great deal of length. Bravo!!
Yeah, 16 year-olds today really don't know how lucky they are to have this video available. I'm also mid-30's and it also took me a lot of time/pain to understand the points in this video.
Honestly, this channel is a godsend for me and other neurodivergent people. It's honestly so hard sometimes to be able to interact with other people simply because of the differences in how we think, but this channel genuinely helps me understand what behaviours I have that might push people away. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!
Ya know I didn’t think this was me, but I watched this video a little over a year ago as I was making a new friend. I didn’t have trouble making friends or anything, I was just starting to watch all of HG’s content. Anyways, I guess this video sunk in, because the way I approached this new relationship was much less clingy, with more communication and consideration of their needs. We’re now best friends a year later, and I think our relationship is much healthier than it would’ve been if I had approached it with my old, admittedly clingy style.
Most of the times when you pretend to not care becomes the person thinking you actually don't care and it ends up becoming both not caring akd the relationship ends.
or when you're having a mental crisis and can't be there for another person. the guy in the post is really lucky... when i stop engaging with people they stop engaging with me eventually
@@gorlbagepile Fuck 'em (not literally). If you stop messaging as often and they stop seeming interested, it just means they were never interested and were responding to you out of pity. Don't bother with people who will just lead you on. Even if it's painful, you can also always just _ask_ what they see you as and if they're interested. Most of the time people will be honest and either say you mean a lot to them, or just tell you to finally piss off. The latter really hurts, but just remember that those types of people will always get what's coming to them. People who play with other people's feelings won't find real happiness with themselves until they fix their problem.
wow, you've earned a sub. as someone diagnosed with adhd and depression, i've had a bad tendency of being overzealous in the opening moments of relationships and hypersensitive when they inevitably failed from it, and it has been extremely hard to deal with. i've been doing a lot of growth over the last few years emotionally, but this video was really a huge turning point in the way i think about how to approach the prospect of a relationship with someone. i'm excited to see what other revelations i have watching your other content, and i think what you're doing is so important, specifically for young men and their mental health.
This is probably the most life changing video I’ve ever found on the subject of relationships. Your graphs really illustrated the concept well. You’ve earned a new subscriber
I am never really blown away with these types of videos, but the way this one is formated and his line of reasoning. Wow, this earned a sub, like, and definitely will be sharing this video with other people. Amazing work, can't wait to see what else you have
This was so incredibly helpful and reaffirming. It's too true too many aren't taught how to form healthy relationships and it basically is about being lucky enough to learn it from somebody mentally healthy enough. No one around me growing up were good role models with forming any kind of relationship platonic or otherwise so I formed so many very toxic connections. My perspective of normal was so distorted for a long time and I know its that way for so many others. You are truly making the world a better place Dr. K!
This video came at the perfect time! Recently I’ve been thinking on how quickly I form intense, “clingy” attachments to people, and on how I have had a number of very intense friendships & relationships which initially felt perfect, but which fell apart in the end. I can feel myself becoming attached to someone new at the moment, so this video has been extremely helpful in dealing with that. Thanks :)
A reoccurring pattern for me is having a great conv with someone chat for a couple of days and then leave the ball in their court but it stays there forever, happened too many times I lost interest in making new friends all together. I know it's not a healthy mindset to carry moving forward but I really don't know what to do and I don't want to force myself on others.
@@bobobsen It doesn't get clearer than "hmu when you're free so we can play" That's an actual text I sent to a friend 2 weeks ago and got nothing after him saying "sure"
Thank you so much for this. You have raised important key points when it comes to interacting with the person that you like. I've been talking to this person for a while now and she really made me happy we have the same common grounds to our interests but also have differences, at first I was worried that I might be too clingy to her but time goes by we are now in our comfort zone with regards to interacting or giving time for each other, It is really important to set your intentions correctly and clearly so that there will be no misunderstandings.
This spoke very loudly. and is highly accurate. the dumbing yourself down or "holding back" is very exhausting. but despite the common outcomes and ways to go about the situation. always remember that some people can intentionally take advantage of your clinginess. I put (holding back) in quotations because I had a similar situation like this and we talked so much about the emotional aspects of friendships. it even started out slow, I was very clinged on the inside but remained reserved for the most part. I mainly let her come to me and that probably came off an uninterested. she knew I cared a lot though as I made it clear. but all in all its best to address intentions when you can or you'll become resentful. always consider how they may percieve the situation as well. I got divorced at 25. I'm now 28 and have zero friends I pushed some away during a depressive time, but a lot just never reached out. So, if I get to speak with anyone now. I still tell myself to just be chill, no matter how nervous or exciting it may be. You aren't alone, no matter how much it may feel that way! :)
Also when you've been clingy and outcome dependent your whole life - fixing the problem can feel a bit like you're giving up on them/yourself and your personality at first. it was a hard adjustment for me. thankfully I finally got it when I legitimately became too busy with stuff to be able to reply as much as I was
@@Alalilaful Ironically, having something to focus on can disrupt that kind of feedback cycle. If work provides that sense of meaning then you don't need to go digging for it as much elsewhere. If that achieves a balance that ends up with more net happiness, I think it's fine.
@@Alalilaful I'm dating more now than I was then, and sometimes I actually forget to respond to someone now (not that that feels good). It's a matter of having all of the areas of your life balanced or at least being occupied/busy with more than just girls/guys.
I love the conversations being had in these, thank you to everyone submitting their experiences. It helps a lot to know there are other people going through similar struggles as yourself!
Hey, thank you dr k you saved me from falling into a hole of insecurities and shame. The concept of my intrinsec value as a human being and not externalizing really create a big change on how I managed to recover from a rejection and feeling used. I really appreciate it
That was so incredibly helpful, insightful and well explained. I can finally put a finger on a concept, which is matching other people's energy. I usually look for tips on this and i get told, forget the girl focus on yourself, be an asshole and etc. I'm so glad for this guy to have posted and Dr. K for dismantling it for us so well.
It's simple. If someone is not into you, no matter what games you play, good clingy guy or bad guy, you will not get them. Because the interest is never there from the first place. They might response you just to be nice, but that doesn't mean they are into you the same way that you are into them.
I like the new slide at the beginning. It makes me feel like healthy gamer took these criticisms to heart and heard them out. Makes me feel like those criticisms, while difficult to deal with, actually helped healthy gamer to figure out how to better both cover their ass and ensure the confidentiality/ non therapist relationship is clear. What I’m saying is mr girl helped, even though it sucked to have happen. I feel like healthy gamer is learning from “mistakes” (everyone makes mistakes), and perfecting their craft so they can keep helping people. Love and hate aren’t mutually exclusive. Good intentions aren’t divorced from mistakes or small boundary breaking. It’s part of the process of this stuff out in the new internet age, and I’d like to think that everyone will be better off because of this experience.
I'm so terrified of ever being clingy that I don't even text people first and if they don't respond I literally never speak to them again. I feel like it only takes one interaction to scar you for life lmao.
Oh boy...thats some serious anxiety. You are strong enough to handle rejection. You are strong enough to handle so many things, you just haven't experienced it yet. You'd be surprised how eager people are to talk if you keep things casual, like inviting people to meet up, focusing on what you have in common, listening to their responses. Idk texting is a very bad metric to judge relationships, it should only be a means to setting up meetings with people you actually want to spend time around, I think.
I figured out the secret. Dont act, be your clingy self. Ditch those who dont like it (its their loss, they just missed out on a great friend) and keep those who do. If you end up with no one it doesnt mean that you are broken. You just hung out with the wrong people. Now there is room for new, hopefully better people in your life. And most importantly, love yourself. You are enough. You dont need to change for others to like you. (Change only for yourself). We are all imperfect and everyone has atleast one shitty trait. We clingy people tend to think that we are weird and everyone else is perfect but that is the furthest from the truth. Sometimes its actually the other person thats being weird! Dont beat yourself up over the clinginess. The imperfections are what makes us human. Of course if you act toxic you need to work on that. You can work on yourself and love yourself at the same time. A true friend will look past your bad traits. They will be patient, understanding and forgiving. You will find a compromise. Just be honest and communicate your needs. Ive been there and I know how much it sucks. But you arent doomed and things will get better. Keep fighting :)
Honestly, for me it had everything to do with authenticity. I used to be very self-cautious and people pleasing. Always being concerned about the thoughts and the opinions of other people. In the end that worked out counterintuitively. My therapist always was keen on me not being able to decide for other people what they think. I only decide what I think or feel. So the best thing is to focus on your own wants and needs. In the end I had to learn to look to my own needs, emotions and feelings towards situations and let that guide me. The connections and relationships after that have been genuine and healthy since I speak with integrity and state my feelings, needs and desire without attaching myself to the outcome, since I can't decide what people think about me. That's up to them. This helped me to form relationships and friendships in which I was not only more comfortable since I'm 100% myself, but also to express myself more genuinely to the people around me. I thought not being concerned about that people thought about me would push people away from me, but rather it's to opposite, speaking with integrity and being genuine shapes stronger, more honest and better connections. And it's a great filter. Also, I see a lot of genderized/generalized behaviour in these comments. I think it's more about thinking about how you define your connection and relationship yourself, rather than expecting a chase, it's all about connection and compatibility. Gender and personality is a spectrum, and accepting parts of yourself as they are is more important than trying to be someone you're not just to make someone else interested.
What kind of behaviors/life changes did you have to adopt to improve? I feel like my goal is to be more authentic because allowing myself to be myself has always been tough, although I'm slowly getting there
Dr. K idk how many times i've said this but.. your videos always find me at the right time. Helped me fully understand something that I was struggling to piece together and i couldn't thank you enough. Absolute legend!
This makes it so much easier. I realized the reason I only ever want a romantic relationship is because it’s the only relationship that has more defined boundaries about texting and asking to hang out. If I just have a conversation with my friends about how often we can see eachother than connecting will become so much easier. I don’t need a romantic relationship with a girl if I just talk to them about the boundaries of our friendship and how often to hang out. This is like the one thing that keeps me from connecting to people in my life. Thank you Dr. Kanoja
This video is spot on. And most of the analogies are similar to the ones I use. One of my favorite analogies is attraction is like baking a cake. If you're constantly opening the oven door to check on it, it'll never bake or at the very least, it'll take forever. Likewise, adding too much heat for too long will burn it out.
Thank you! I often feel like a boomer & if it weren't for my amazing therapists, I might have listened to Gen Zs & clingy ppl accusing me of being 'avoidant'. So many would be friends & lovers who I cannot chill with just because they wanted to dominate my time. I have a full & wonderful life yo. Instead of texting good morning, make time to meet me instead of building some weird, faux intimacy via sms. Thankfully my healthy boundaries led me to a partner who doesn't even use their phone AT ALL. Face to face is where it's at and where it's REAL. Love your content!
This video couldn't have come out at a better time and was very helpful. Without getting into too much detail I've been so clingly to one specific friend of mine and I really liked her as a friend because she was soft and reassuring. Things took a turn when I couldn't understand my own emotions (as in if I liked her or not). I was being way to over stepping with my anxiety and it ended in an awkward blowout. Luckily she forgave me and now we're ok (VERY TAME to what I've heard from other people but still). Most people aren't that lucky to have an outcome like that, so if I can be more aware my my clingliness and emotional needs I can prevent situations like that from happening. TL:DR I'm clingy and this video helped me be more aware of it.
I'm in this situation where I feel like im too attached/clingy towards my best friend. Lately while chatting around with them things feel alot more distant than usual and it really hurts because there is most likely nothing wrong other then them wanting more space for their own. Even after reassurance of them I still feel a bit insecure and I really want to learn how to not feel upset about this topic. Fundamentally I understand that people need space for their own life, own things and that but my emotions are making it really difficult to deal with it. I recently tried to tone down the frequency of "tossing balls" over to them and while they still message me if they have something to share/talk about things have become so very distant / not interested into having a conversation most of the time. (Atleast out of my view). It is very possible that for her especially its not even a big deal and she just needs to be for herself. I tried talking to her about this but it got kind of ignored and barely acknowledged.. I just have the fear of being abonded really. I just want to make things right so the friendship is not getting damaged further.
How did this work out? Same for me with my bff happened after five years made no sense I thought we were good. I never felt clingy to him and he to I and we could talk all day or not it didn’t matter but more often than not. Kind of blows my mind he ditched me after asking to hang out. No empathy I guess. I’m only asking for him to say hi and talk for a few minutes to help ease me out of this it feels really unfair to have all that and expect all that and then just give it all to another friend without telling me first. I got blindsided the day before my birthday when he disappeared. He spends every evening almost always alone with her now and I struggle to get a text or a few minutes and I’m lucky to get an hour and a half that’s the best :/ trying not to be sad and rebuild happiness.
Hey! @@mineralbunny8736 I'm sorry to hear that, really. I think for guys sometimes they get super attached to 1 single person..and they forget about everyone else. I certainly have been there. I feel like keep trying and sending texts and trying to connect is all you can do. Obviously I think this shouldnt fully rely on your efforts too!! Dont make effort for people that arent worth it, you know. As for me Things have been well, I think. Had some downs and ups in between things but we always ended up figuring it out. Ended up eventually having a long and proper needed conversation about boundaries.. which kinda helped I'd say. Like sometimes I just do my own stuff, she does her own thing too.. Theres been days where we talk a lot - sometiems very little.. hekk some days we just exchange silly memes or insta reels just for the sake of "hey i havent forgotten about you" and i really dig it. Sometimes I still get sad if i dont get "my daily attention" but its not on my friend but on me, I would say. :> We currently have this reassuring dymanic that won't make me feel left out or upset if she's busy with other people / or just wants to do her things and also ALOT of understanding from her. I respect her for dealing with my dumbass every day :') Also since that comment till now -- its been a year and I think i as a person have grown into a little more positive... so yeaaa
Growing up I was pretty much always neglected and ignored and I've met a person that is super understandable of what happened to me and we've set lots of boundaries. Sometimes I do have bad days where I feel like I'm being too annoying to them and clinging to them but they reassure me I'm not. I'm a very extroverted person once somebody gets to know me and I also have ADD so I just want to keep talking about anything and everything, lol
Love this video bc I've definitely been on both sides of this & it sucks either way. It's a lot of pressure to be someone's only way of getting their emotional needs met, and it's also kind of dehumanizing. Like you're starving for emotional connection & I'm just the "steak". I've done this to people, too. Dr K nailed it when he said the thing that was missing was any info about the other person. That's why it's so easy for people to write off a whole gender or even race or nationality when things go wrong, bc you're not really seeing the individual person you're talking to at all. We're just dumping all our needs & hopes onto this one person we just met & blaming them when they can't handle the pressure. It helps to learn about what needs you're trying to fill & focus on giving yourself that, instead. For me, that was fun & connection. So basically I just need to make more friends I can actually talk to. Having good friends or other things to look forward to helps loosen my grip on whoever I'm trying to connect with.
This was cathartic to hear. I knew i was missing something and couldn't figure it out. And i feel like you are filling in those missing pieces. I was just recently thinking i needed an academic style explanation of how relationships works lol
I legit watched this 3 times because it relates so much to my experiences with friendship. I don't wish to date anymore, but still want rather intimate friendships with high trust and comfort, so on. Becomes difficult when regulation isn't a quality of mine, so I just say stupid shit and scare people away. Though, weirdly enough, it's more the other way around. Had a friend who was overly clingy and never respected it when I said stop to stuff that made me uncomfortable or annoyed. It doesn't feel good, that much I know.
thank you so much for this. i can't put into words how much this has helped me understand myself. i've gone through some big pains when it comes to relationships lately and i think this right here was very much one of the main causes. but knowing is half the battle, and now i know. thank you so much.
this actually helped me recognize my clingy and lowkey toxic behavior in my relationship.... like i knew this but i couldnt quite put it into words. but with this i have a more clear idea of whats going on within me and how to deal with it. so tyvm for this video
Doctor K, where were you when I was 18? I could really have used your videos back in the day 😅 heck, even now, at 33 years old I'm learning a lot about myself with you.
What's a good way to start addressing an emotional deficit like this? I'd love nothing more than to be in a relationship, but I don't think I'm capable of being healthy about it without hurting myself. I would like to be able to have a healthy relationship without constantly feeling like I have to suppress my emotional needs. I want to be able to grow the relationship alongside my partner without having to artificially scale down any attachment.
Maybe try to spread out that emotional need. If you aren't ready for a relationship, try to make some good friends and then you have less to throw at one person. A different solution, would to be just easing into it. If you find someone who you're attracted to and might want to get to know better, remind yourself that you aren't ready to commit to a healthy relationship yet, and switch mental gears to "I want to be this person's friend". Get to know them and enjoy their company, because that doesn't require a romantic or sexual connection. Then maybe you ease into flirting or dating if you're in a place where you're comfortable with that, but if you aren't just tell her that if it looks like she's trying to pursue that. Say "Hey, I enjoy your company and all, but I don't think I'm interested in a relationship right now. Are you ok with just being friends?" or if you aren't sure ask. Clarify that they are looking for a relationship and then ask them what they expect out of a relationship in the sense of "Where are we at right now from your perspective and what are your needs going into this?" and maybe what they're looking for is something you're comfortable giving.
It's unavoidable. They're a person. You'll never always have exactly the right amount of attachment fitting for them because the needs and capacities aren't static. You'll need to compromise at some point. They'll need to compromise at some point. But I know you can do it.
Find time for yourself. People come and go, it's not hard to find them. Although, it's very difficult to find the right one. So just dedicate some time to yourself and then spend free time on someone else. This will make sure that you are still your own person even when you are in a relationship and you won't overwhelm them, since you are busy with yourself. Also, when you have something to do, you will have more meaningful conversations, instead of wondering what to talk about because you discussed basically everything in the first week.
@@NightWing1800 imo the issue with trying to make friends first is that you're just being dishonest, from experience the whole having feelings for your friend thing works out absolutely horribly and is hurtful to the other person, after all what you did was essentially kinda fake being a friend to them because what you really wanted all along was to get in their pants, you can lie to yourself that you're just looking for a friend but I've found it's not at all that easy to get the other expectation completely out of your system, if not impossible
You run out of things to talk about, you don't talk to each other as much as you used to, doubts start flying, frustration increases, fights happen, nothing lasts forever. Just be completely honest with how you feel and ask the other person to do so and take anything they say with an open mind, in the end it all depends on how much one person is willing to adapt for the other because after that high phase ends life comes in and you both can't dedicate as much time to each other as you hoped you could.
I always remember this saying about how for a marriage to last, you gotta be friends/besties with your love partner. Because yeah, when the high of lovestruck & lust settles down, what's left is our ordinary everyday selves. If we can open up and still vibe or compromise with each other's everyday selves like we would as besties, that's a keeper. For that to happen, you need to - as Dr. K said - listen to their needs, understand yourself and healthy communication, even if it's not romantic nor sexy. Me & my fiance have been together for 2.5 years and so far I can confirm that those things are important 👍 ❤️ If the super strong closeness still naturally happens after years of knowing each other then great! But yeah, remember that you will live with their ordinary self & vice versa.
I wish I saw this video before my last relationship. As you’re talking about what causes things to fail and how we should handled things is almost textbook how it went. We started strong and then died off quickly. I will keep this information in mind as I move forward with my life.
Sometimes information like this here is nothing new really, esp. at some older age, but I still find so useful to have this reminded and reflected upon one more time exactly when I need it.
I am so glad that I found this channel. I feel like this explains a lot about why my online friendships seem to have fizzled out compared to earlier. This explains so much about my past relationships because I have been on both sides of this problem. I hope that my relationships going forward will improve after this.
I think that people need to be better at communicating. I always try to say shit like "it's totally fine if you need space right now.", when I'm feeling clingy... When someone is being clingy with me I usually say something like "I enjoy talking to you too, I just want to take things a bit slower." It's not hard to communicate this shit without being an asshole, and it will help everyone be happier 😂
2 years late but recently had an experience where I did all of the clingy things. Could’ve definitely used this video then, my actions increased my own anxiety and decreased my confidence so it became an everlasting negative loop. Thank you very much for this!
Be careful who you take advice from. I love my mom but the advice she gave me was exactly the pitfall of misleading intentions discussed in this video - I was told to send good morning texts after a first date. Always trust your reason and intuition and investigate further. Most people giving advice is worthless. But you should still hear them out.
On the topic of good morning/good night texts, I think the advent of Snapchat might be subtly encouraging this behavior. Since the app rewards daily communication, it has normalized a culture of people sending "good morning" and "good night" snaps to all their friends to meet that daily snap requirement and may be bleeding over to other aspects of the app as well.
My friends and I have had a scale of clinginess and laugh about it. knowing it can go either way sometimes and that there are some that have it strong. I am an old so I've had the fortune of being clingy being clung to and having it just right. I really liked the moment Dr. K talked about, being in the moment. Meditation has helped me a lot. My Nanna would say, worrying is like a rocking chair, it'll give you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. Then my Mum would say it's like long division! you can do it. But why? I overthink things and still have to reel it in sometimes but the good thing is. I used to think I was broken, unlovable and only good at something that's essentially erased by flicking a switch. But turns out I have great capacities others struggle to even understand and leveling up in life is hard af but worth
Thank you for your comment. I'm just 21, but I do relate to whatever you wrote. I'm glad that I came across your comment as it reflects my own self too well. Specially that part, "overthinking, not able to make decisions,unlovable , and someone who's lousy and not good at things" but still I'll keep moving forward no matter what, enhance myself and make it better no matter what happens. Annnnnnd, i also have this friend Just like yours though we've known each other for few months, but I hope we can be together as long as we live, i really do. Anyways thanks for your views again, they were really inspiring 😊❤️
I don't mind spending time with you, it's when I don't get time with just myself that I really start to pull back. Cause when I'm with other people I feel the need to entertain or look my best or be a certain way around you, I don't get to relax like I do by myself. Let me come to you sometimes, or let me do my own thing for a while. Basically if we're hanging out all the time, and messaging each other when we're not with each other it's like I get no break at all. Idk what I'm talking about though, since I don't date anymore lol. Some people like clingy partners, I'm just not one of them. My attachment style is avoidant for a reason 😅
I came across this vid randomly and I clicked. Dude, you have no idea how much you helped me. I can't even sit properly during this vid, and that's good, because most of the scenarios described are literally me. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
Yah. It's tough! I'm lucky that in my current relationship, we're both enthusiastic to talk to each other. We're good at giving space, but also getting back to each other. We both tend to have anxiety, so can see things from the others perspective. Though, I still get concerned when I talk about certain subjects. I will say though, in dating, as the guy, giving space and playing that dance of attention and pull back, tends to go further...The solution, I've found though, is just matching and increasing vulnerability. Seriously though, if it's not a fuck yah from the start, maybe keep looking...
I have another theory Dr. K from an Attachment Theory lens, and from personal experience. Some romantic partners or friends may have: (1) "Avoidant Attachment" ie; due to childhood attachment trauma with their care givers, they have a fear of intimacy / healthy co-dependence / they're hyper independent. (2) or "Anxious Attachment" ie; they're hyper co-dependent or otherwise clingy, and have a fear of abandonment. They may be possessive, controlling, or need far more security. (3), "Secure Attachment" like myself, I had a healthy upbringing, my parents are still together, I was given complete love and security. Which is only 50-60% of the population. (There's also a rare "Fearful / Disorganized" type which is a hybrid of 1 & 2) - Now Imagine an Avoidant and a Secure person together. The Secure person is normal, but this normal is too clingy for the Avoidant, because they don't like to feel remotely vulnerable. The secure person may do typical things done in a healthy codependent relationship, but the avoidant will feel smothered. It's usually hot & cold, push & pull over and over again though. I've had a long term relationship through most of my 20s in this sort of dynamic, and as an introvert and creative who needs a lot space and boundaries, I'm certainly not clingy. - Now Imagine Avoidant and an Anxious person. This is a toxic dynamic often set up for failure. One person wants hyper codependency, the other wants hyper independence. Neither are satisfied, and may grow to resent the other person or want each other to change. - Now imagine a Secure and an Anxious person. Anxious person may be the clingy one, require an elevated sense of security and reassurance more than the secure person needs, they may want to possess the person to soothe their anxiety, such has expecting replies frequently, or wanting to be around them constantly. This is the dynamic you're describing. Typically Avoidant-Avoidant, Anxious-Anxious, Secure-Secure people have similar needs, and may be on the same page with their baseline needs and expectations. I type this out because just sometimes, you're not the problem especially if you're using just one romantic relationship to evaluate yourself, you don't have enough data and then assume you are indeed too clingy. I had to learn this the hard way. I'm 29 now, and after many years of dealing with this in the past, I did change from a healthy baseline, into one that's cynical and uncaring, which on one hand gives me a really strong sense of stoicism and control (which I like, and yes it works in attraction), but on the other hand makes me look at relationships almost like something premeditated, calculated, and strategized because I don't want to relive the hurt, which sucks. I wish I could just be healthy with someone healthy, and have a 1:1 give and take, but unfortunately relationships are complicated and many people come with their quirks and unconscious traumas. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
@@jerryigwe7684 Well, in short completely recognizing you have an anxious attachment is half the work! Because you'll start to become mindful / cognizant of it, and start to recognize those patterns playing out. There are first "thoughts" that are precursors to "behaviors". And what you want to do is slowly stop thoughts -> from becoming impulsive behavior. For example, if your girlfriend is out with friends, and you start having thoughts that she's cheating / with other guys, and you're about to impulsively bombard her phone. First stop the behaviors while holding the thought in it's place. Then what you want to do is rationalize the problematic thoughts itself. Journaling helps. Asking yourself questions helps for example "Objectively, would my girlfriend ever cheat on me? Am I overreacting in any way? What does this speak about my own fears and insecurities?". Think though it logically. Over time this sort of rationalization will become second nature and you'll start to Journal mentally. Another piece of advice I'd give is, you need to be in a relationship / a strong friendship while healing. Because with 'Attachment trauma' they tend only to surface when vulnerability / romantic relationships are concerned. You might spend your whole life thinking you're normal as it stays dormant, and one relationship, and you realize this childhood patterns surface out of nowhere and cause all sorts of sabotaging behavior. I would also say tell your partner "I have ____ attachment issue, but I really want to work through it with you... If you catch me doing x,y,z, please knock some sense into me." It's really healthy to go about it that way because they'll offer insight when you're unable to. Good luck to you Jerry!
@@jerryigwe7684 One last thing, there's a very underrated TH-cam channel called " Coach Craig Kenneth" and he has a number of videos on Anxious attachment styles, as well as case studies from clients as a psychotherapist. I think it's a good resource :).
Bro made an actual lesson, lesson at the life subject, with maps and all. i didnt know that can be taught in such a comprehensive way. You saved me weeks of trying to figure it out myself
damn. All my friendships have been like that. My emotional need is definitely having someone who shares the same interests as me and if I meet someone like that the conversation gets really intense we would write for hours, after 2 days they tell that it feels like we've known each other for years and I really feel the same but the conversation dies down after a week until we barely write something to each other ever again. Kinda makes me sad
This is so interesting. I've been both clingy and toxic, but not on purpose, but kind of automatically by feeling sorry for myself. I think the underlying issue is obsession and tunnel vision. When you have a crush, the joy that you feel out of interacting with them is like a narcotic, and you become addicted to it, obsessing with the person, while all of your other social connections suffer. You stop being as emotionally available for your other friends or your parents, etc. I've been obsessed with a single girl for almost 9 years until I had to accept that they're in a healthy, loving relationship with someone else and stop feeling jealous about "being there first" so to speak because my friend didn't owe me a relationship. And as a result, even though our interactions decreased, they became much healthier. However, after being so focused on a single person, I developed a habit of not being available for others, and even though I can sometimes get in a mood to talk to one of my friends, I don't have enough will in me to continue maintaining that relationship, so I guess I seem very distant or uncaring, but in truth I just distract myself with work or internet addiction. And it's really weird, because I enjoy talking to people, but at the same time have very low energy for frequent conversations, and at a certain point it just feels weird to bother another person, because they're in transition from being a friend to an "old acquaintance that I'm likely never gonna talk with".
Truly on point, also personally what i've learned is that if you're trying too hard for someone who either doesn't appreciate or doesn't realize your intentions, you're doing something wrong. It's not about not being attractive or funny or cool, it's about how open minded and straight forward you are, instead of trying to find indirect ways to tell someone you MIGHT have some intentions with them, just go up to them and say what's on your heart. Works better than trying too much to still be rejected or friend zoned
This video has been so helpful in accepting my own views on communication. I've always disliked good morning texts and this awkward dancing back and forth while I've pushed them all the way into the friendzone already. All this texting and online messaging burns me out.
Sent a good morning text this morning rip lmfao. Though we've been on a date. Thanks for unpacking this it's helping me realize what's going on a bit better. I love all the insights you give it's hard to retrain out of bad habits but I will do it! I do get that feeling of a new video game and ramping it through the early stages. Slow and steady wins the race again I suppose.
God thank you dr K. I’m someone who’s getting out of her depressive/anxiety riddled lifestyle and I never learned to form healthy relationships. Honestly I’m very clingy and self centered and it leads to me making relationships that have no common ground or fizzle out. I became so desperate for friends that I overshared, love bombed, and vented to the point they got uncomfortable and left. An unfortunate reality for mentally struggling people is that you often don’t learn how to have appropriate relationships and communication with people and end up feeling more lonely.
If anyone shows the slightest interest in me, I get way too clingy. It's like my brain fixates on one person, and can't stop
Me too. And what's worse in my case is I *will* pretty much give her almost everything i can give to her just to make her comfortable staying with me, even if it take a huge toll on me. I need help
Yo same
same for me. and it always makes them run away as fast as possible
I used to be like that too. I should warn you that it is a narcissist magnet 😨
When people look for long lasting relationship, they find you
From what I've noticed in my own life, I was the clingiest when I had no value in myself. I wanted to spend all my time with this other person because it was the best thing I had going, it was the only thing I had going. So I wanted to make the most of it. Nothing else in the world made me feel special or wanted. Now that I'm in a position where I have my own value, I'm not constantly texting or thinking of them. I have my own crap to deal with.
You have to find ways to make yourself feel special. It's like adding colors of paint to white. You add in red, that white is going to instantly turn red. But if you already have your own greens, blues, purples, browns, and pinks in there, that red won't dilute the color as much. It's not something you can solve by just playing games, putting the ball in their court. That's a good start, but you're still going to obsess waiting for that next message. You need to add value to your life outside of a girlfriend or boyfriend that makes you feel good about yourself.
I wish i could like this 1000 times 👍
Damn, this hit home. Gave me something to think about.
Wow thank you for that, definitely gonna try my best to improve myself because i found out i'm in that situation
Wise asf
Being lonely for so long, sometimes it feels like friends are the only thing that will validate my existence, not anything I can make with my hands.
I have a mantra 🕉 for my past clingy behavior… “I forgive myself for viewing someone’s lack of reciprocation as a challenge to convince them of my worth.” If you repetitively find yourself being clingy, there’s a good chance there’s an underlying self-worth issue that needs to be addressed. You’re looking for reassurance and acceptance outside of yourself… but you actually need to provide it to yourself. Easier said than done 😅
I'm noticing this about myself a lot lately. My problem is that if I start acting like I don't care, I eventually won't because then I realize that I'm putting more effort in than they are and then I actually do start to not care. Thus I start to question why bother to continue talking...
@@roboky101 that honestly sounds healthy to me. If someone isn’t putting in as much effort, and you start to lose feelings as opposed to gaining more intense feelings and a more intense desire for reciprocation (which has been my unfortunate pattern in the past)… that’s a good sign you have a certain level of respect for yourself. The right person will match you.
@@Livfree33 I saw the same problems in me. You just need to love yourself. If you can learn to be happy alone, you do not need anyone else
After a year of watching this channel I am finally ok with myself. I’m actually afraid of the idea of meeting someone that I might want to be in a relationship with because I have never been so content with myself before. 😂
@@naxT890 I am slowly but surely becoming my own best friend. (Save a few moments from time to time where I spiral back into self-deprecation and fear I’ll never be good enough.. whatever that means😆… good enough for WHAT?! The emotional safety I craved in childhood? 🤣 that’s not my fault I didn’t have that lmao)
Dude, i'd kill for clingy friends tbh. I'm tired of feeling neglected and unwanted in friend circles and always taking the initiative to be involved. I want to feel like i'm included and vital in the social group and I want them to always make the first move.
So real
I feel like this is something nobody adresses. I'm well aware I've got some work to do on my side but sometimes it feels like no one will hit the ball back.
I have slowly taken a back seat in most of my circles because i always found myself hosting and organizing and it was exhausting when no one would put any effort in. Interestingly some friend grups after a while of radio silence, some other people started organizing hang outs, and that's really what made me realize just how internal the "clingy-ness" is
Get one clingy friend and you'd say otherwise. Seriously telling you when people start overstepping boundaries it is just not desirable at all. "Clingy" friendships are made slowly over years not on a whim.
So helloooo😂😂😂😂 Here is the most clingy person you can see I your whole life
No you wouldn't, trust me. It actually sucks after some time or creates unhealthy dynamic. We don't have to go to the other extreme to compensate
Clingy is the cruelest word. You’re not clingy. You’re just looking for somewhere to direct your love. The only problem with giving it all to others is that we also need to RESPECT them, not just love them. That means we need to know they don’t always want to receive love at every given moment because they have their own dreams and goals.
The solution is to find a balance of non-people goals to put your love into, and then also people to put your love into.
Said like a true HGer lol
Excellently put, man
This made me wanna cry, well put
you worded this so well, sometimes we forget to consider what the other person needs and wants
Amazing. Thanks.
Sometimes you gotta be so busy that you don’t have time to be clingy. Build that life
yeeeeeeaaaaaa
Yesssss
Then you dont have time for a relationship and burn out from a busy lifestyle, no thanks
Isn’t that kind of ignoring the root problem
@@McDnyss maybe that's a good thing. Maybe you don't need a relationship.
“To the wrong person, your absolute best still won’t be good enough. To the right person, at your worst you’ll still be worth it” and “no one is more busy than someone who isn’t into you” are two quotes that always stuck with me. I think they can be applied to any relationship, not just romantic
Edit: I just realized that the first quote could be read as “iF YoU cAn’T HaNdLe mE At mY wOrSt, YoU DoN’t dEsErVe Me aT My bEsT” which super isn’t the vibe I meant it as
i don't feel that your first quote is at all similar to “iF YoU cAn’T HaNdLe mE At mY wOrSt, YoU DoN’t dEsErVe Me aT My bEsT”. i read it as "not everyone is a right fit for you, so if it doesn't pan out with one person, doesn't mean it won't pan out with another."
Great advice, this is a mystery tool I will save for later😂
I guess the first saying applies when you're not being a shitty person on purpose or inconsiderate. In other words, actually working towards a better, healthier relationship and not trying to be or not caring about being toxic or a burden to someone else.
It feels horrible when both the cases apply to the same person. I had to break up with them because of this contradiction, made me feel like they were lying or being with me for benefits
LMAO does anyone remember the video when Dr. K said that quote and said that that's excuse to be an intolerable asshole or something along those lines. I needa hear it again
My therapist told me my clinginess and literal obsession over certain people in my life is the need for instant gratification/validation from them. I was changed from that moment on now that I had a catalyst for my actions.
This may not be the case for everyone. Some people may just not want to be lonely.
your pfp is better than your mental state.
🥳
@@SantanaBanana47 yeah…...and the reason you feel lonely is because deep down u seek validation
@@onesandzerospdf1448 this is not the only reason for loneliness
As a woman, I've struggled with this as well. I suffer with anxiety and in bad days I get super clingy, and have difficulty being alone. Sometimes this is too heavy on my boyfriend. He warns me that he has to work and needs his time to himself as well. So I concentrate all my energy on being self suficient, and find something to do. Honestly, it works! It even helps get past the anxiety episode, but I do become more distant in the next few days.
This has worked for me, as I'm finding my own ways to be more self-suficient during a crises. Find something to do and concentrate.
Things I do that help are: journaling, crocheting, playing games (usually games that require attention like mobas), planning something.
Things that don't help: watching something (too passive), calm games, drawing and reading.
Thank you for listing out what does and doesn’t help for you! I haven’t been doing anything and this anxiety is eating at me and I became clingy and obsessed. I’m going to try to be productive and self sufficient!
Leage of legendns
You need more interactions with other people. You aren't 80.
Thanks for this, I struggle with similar stuff but all my hobbies to "help" fall under the "unhelpful" category.
@@hagridswagrid2643 Hello there. Allow me to say that therapy has helped wonders. I kept some of the hobbies I picked up to control anxiety to this day. It can be anything that you need to pay attention to, as in, you're activelly doing it. Any physical activity works, as I've found out later.
Hang in there, this won't be forever.
You're not a boomer, Dr. K. You're right with the "good morning" texts and I think this is the kind of thing that "nice guys" do and then when women are freaked out by the innapropiate level of intimacy with a stranger (basically), they start blaming women for not liking them and them needing to stop caring so they won't be rejected anymore
This girl I’m talking to sends me “good morning☺️” every morning but she isnt clingy at all.
@@thotslayer9914 My brother in Christ, what are you doing?
@@johnjohnson3681 LMFAOOOO 🤣🤣🤣
You put into words what I think many of us were struggling to articulate. Tysm!
Fr
I agree with the sentiment of "what are you expecting from the relationship?" People often will think about "how do i get this person to like me/sleep with me/ be with me" but we don't even know what the other person wants.
I used to be really clingy and really wanted ppl to like me, but i realized that maybe they just didn't want that level of relationship and that's fine. You should reserve your energy for someone who will give the same amount
The issue with that is recently I’ve been dealing with my own confusing situation where I’ve been talking to a girl for a short amount of time and wanted to be real with her so I told her that I would be ok with a relationship after we got to know eachother and she said that she agrees but also said that in the future she could totally not have that interest so I’m in a weird spot where she believes that it could be possible but it isn’t a guarantee so I don’t really know how to feel or what to do should I try to interact the same more weird spot so I am reserving the nervy for someone who may be into me after we know eachother
@@walkergren4192 just go for it. shes completely right, nothing in life is guaranteed especially romantic relationships. if you go out with her and she loses interest(heck, you may lose interest), deal with it and be glad you had that experience. but if it works out you could have a good relationship with her.
@@meepmoop2308 I typed it weird I realize I shoulda been clearer we are just starting to get to know eachother and I wanted to make sure that i knew if she wanted to be more in the future and she doesn’t know if she wants a relationship with me yet so I’m in a good spot but I have to wait and it’s just patience the only thing is getting my hopes up is super scary so basically honestly it’s jsut the first steps in what could be a relationship it’s not a weird situation it’s jsut having so it up to early I’m glad but also it feels weird
@@walkergren4192 ohh ok well good luck my dude
24 minutes of a well-served roast that I needed to hear, forgetting about the other persons experience is something I'm ALSO guilty of & I think it's going to take me facing my fear of being alone to overcome this
for real i feel so humbled rn ☠️
Yea, i haven't gotten my ass sat down like this in a while 💀
Yup, I feel so called out because of this. I now cringe alot more at my past self haha.
I started getting defensive in my head and i was like wtf, i need to chill down a second cuz this is definitely not okay from me
@@davidtanase7753 YEUP
Do unto others as they do unto you. If you're always the one texting and reaching out. If they don't respond and when they do, its only like one work answers, give it some time. If this behavior is repeated constantly then that should tell you what you need to know. Once or twice can be explained with a bad day. Consistently being blown off is a pattern tho.
A lot of time clingy people are overly afraid of losing the relationship. But ask yourself this: if you are the only one putting in any effort. If the only thing keeping the relationship from dying is your clinginess. Maybe that relationship deserves to die.
Thank you for this comment.
I'd say start with "treat others how you wish you to be treated" and if that doesn't work then "treat others how they have treated you"
And maybe as a cherry on top, "when in doubt, just ask"
This is a great comment!!!
I think this is totally true for relationships, but sometimes for adult friendships you have to be the person who always reaches out. I have a couple friends who are really "type b"and will just never be the ones to come up with plans lol. But when we hang out it's still fun and genuine
@ExtremelyOnline Guy copy-pasting the same thing in multiple comment threads is cringe and bot-like behavior
i needed this even at age 32. i couldn't understand the concept before you explained it so simply. i am highly intuitive, emotional, and engaged and never learned that people ~feel~ differently than i do about interactions and relationships (simply put, i'm rather strange and overly sensitive). for me, i expect people to go to the same lengths i do when i can sense the same amount of positive feedback. patience and a casual regard for others is the best thing i've learned in my life thus far. it's really helped that i can be more nonchalant and patient with others without investing so much of my time, energy, and effort into them even though it may initially seem they have the same interest in me. thank you dr. k!
Wow literally me
Thanks Aria. Same here
Same. But we do this to feel safe in ourselves. "We being heard or validated " . It's not actually about we doing something for the other person.
There is nothing that I find more sexy in someone than self-love and emotional independence. Like, it is a whole new experience when you can talk to someone without feeling that they are putting all their happiness and expectations in you! There is room for passion and at the sime time slow-burn interest
I totally agree. In general I prefer to spend time with people like this. As a matter of fact, I think the intimacy and passion is better this way because you're two people sharing their completeness, instead of desperately trying to feel completed.
This is something I have struggled with for a really long time. We moved a lot growing up, so I was always ripped away from every friendship I ever had, on a constant basis. I'm very extroverted, and being secluded for too long drains my soul and leaves me exhausted. So, I would desperately search for whatever morsels of socialization I could find. I'd cling like mad to anyone who'd give me the time of day, no matter how toxic it was.
Advice like this actually really bothered me. It felt like I was being told that I just needed to accept being isolated and alone all the time. Like dragging your body through a desert for days, only to be told that "actually, your desperate need for water is causing all of your problems. Just stop being thirsty, bro!" I wish someone had told me that there's a difference between spending a lot of time with someone because you're super compatible and both want to, versus spending a lot of time with someone because you're terrified they'll drift away if you don't.
Yeah, after I graduated, the next 2 years of my life was spent working 6 day weeks and I never had time to socialize or even live my life. I lost a lot of friendships because of it and once I finally quit and started a new job, I got mega attached to any co worker that would talk to me. It's a starvation mindset that tells you, "You spent so much of your past losing people, if you don't stick around these new ones at all times you'll lose them too."
It's tragic that we've been lived through circumstances that teaches our minds to be afraid of being alone, but forcing friendships only pushes people away, and eventually when you do find those people you *click* with it'll all be worth it.
@@SpyCrabsUnite Damn that's so true it hurts.
Someone else says "Start with enjoying being alone" But that's not a good advice.
We really live in the age of loneliness
The pandemic was really unhealthy too for me as an (occasional) extrovert. It felt like my boyfriend was the only person I could talk to so I would cling to him so much. It doesn’t help that extroverts are seen as noisy validation-seeking attention whores these days and that introversion is significantly popular. Being alone works for some and doesn't work for the rest. It works for me sometimes too but not always so it really pains me to hear that I should feel more comfortable when I'm alone even though I won't always feel that way.
This is verbatim exactly what I’m experiencing rn after moving to california from Canada and basically spending the majority of my life moving around in Canada before that.
love this video. I'm a woman on the other side of this interaction several times a month with different men. we'll have a brief chat about a movie or a cool restaurant and then suddenly they're messaging me every day, asking to chat on the phone, complimenting my appearance. it's so intense. I'll occasionally tell them I feel uncomfortable with the level of intimacy, but otherwise it is very difficult to reject someone who has never asked me out. so thankful for Dr. K to address this topic.
I think what you've experienced us exactly what he's talking about. The person that is thinking about their needs and desire but are not really taking yours into consideration
I wonder why it's so often the guy being clingy. I've seen women who were clingy but it's very rare. It's probably a societal issue that we as a species need to sort out. I would also dare to say a lot of Internet/nerd culture has turned lots of good men insecure and unable to just... spit out what they're feeling.
And what's worse is that instead of going to someone like Dr. K, they go to forum boards to talk about their issues, often getting replies like, "It's just the woman's fault, you need to be even pushier, or neg her." which is... literally the opposite of what they should do.
@@bugjams I think part of it comes from the fact that many men grow up without positive support systems. they may not be complimented much. they dont grow up with as many outlets to have deep conversations.
women on the other hand grow up being taught to make the other person feel comfortable by being very warm and friendly. we do this to everyone, not just men that we're interested in. sometimes guys take that polite friendliness as romantic interest or deep connection.
I'm glad someone like Dr. K is able to spread awareness on issues like this. I do think that's the first step towards men and women expressing the challenges they face and solving them together rather than arguing who has it worse.
@@bugjams For me personally, it's the deep societal programming that my basic needs for human connection are (as a guy) self-serving, inherently harmful, and unwelcome that gets in the way of just saying what I feel.
Talking openly to someone I think I might like is an act of aggression, unless I read all the signals correctly and know for sure, before I even introduce myself, that she is open to conversation -- which, in the society I find myself living in, never _appears_ to be the case (partly because most of the signals I'm supposed to be watching out for are bullshit, but y'know... that's the programming). When conversation _does_ happen, there is a whole set of rules I need to follow to do everything right -- rules that different people have different ideas about -- to build connection in a way that is somehow simultaneously bold yet non-threatening, indirect yet clear and assertive. And it is unilaterally _my_ job, according to the script society handed me, to make sure the whole complicated dance goes smoothly. If anything goes wrong, it's obviously because _I_ fucked everything up.
And so I go about my life saying nothing, doing nothing, because I want to be a good person and am mindful of my impact and don't want to inconvenience or scare anybody with my perfectly normal human desires that society has taught me are not-okay.
Of course, being "safe" doesn't work because now my communication and my actions are incongruent. I have unclear intentions. I'm being sneaky and manipulative. I have an "agenda." Few people understand that yeah, _of course_ I have an agenda: to convey my genuine, heartfelt interest in another person in the language I was taught to speak. Meanwhile, I see people all around me thriving because they're breaking-all-the-rules and taking the liberties in life that I was never "allowed" to take. Doing the kinds of things that would make me feel like an asshole for trying, but it works, because direct communication is the language humans _actually_ speak.
A major problem in our communication is that we've responded to the trauma of patriarchal abuse by imposing all these artificial defense strategies in place to protect ourselves from pain. With everyone on every side feeling so defensive, there is no avenue for connection and play unless you're the kind of person who doesn't really care about TheRules.
This experience paves the way for many guys to believe (quite reasonably! when you follow the emotional logic) that "women are lying about wanting nice guys and actually crave the attention of assholes." And for women to believe (also quite reasonably!) that most guys really do seem to be assholes... _especially_ the so-called "nice" ones.
Speaking generally, the people who seem to be the most invested in keeping their communication straight appears to be the broader queer community. (Makes sense. Bucking societal norms in general is totally their jam.) Perhaps not coincidentally, nearly every person in my close circle has some sort of openly queer identity marker and I feel this is the crowd where "my people" are far more easily found. Unfortunately, because our foundational social traumas are so hard to shake until everybody decides to do some serious work toward reconciliation in our shattered social fabric, some of my identity markers tend not to be very welcome in the queer space. (It doesn't help that genuine work toward reconciliation is so hampered by Those In Power profiting so abundantly from fueling our divisions.) So I find myself kind of caught in a socially vacuous void between worlds, at least until I finish de-programming myself enough to get my own communication shit aligned with what human connectivity is supposed to be.
Tl;dr: Dodged going full "redpill" thank goodness, but I have... opinions... that may be received unpopularly on all sides. Listen to your hearts though, everybody. You know it to be true.
@@umbrascitor2079 There's a lot to unpack here. I'd like to understand your comment better if you don't mind answering some questions.
1) What are your basic needs for human connection? Is this referring to sex or just general interactions with others?
2) What are The Rules? Are they flexible rules if different people have different ideas about them?
3) Why is it your job to follow the script when you describe others thriving by breaking them?
4) What are these identity markers for both the queer crowd and yourself and why would you not be welcome in that space?
5) Who are Those In Power and how do they profit from fueling divisions?
I can feel clingy but chose not to express it. I kind of told myself that it’s okay to want something but I shouldn’t expect it. Until I see the interest then I would reciprocate it. And I’m okay with letting go.
I'm in the same boat except I still hurt when I let go.
I've been coliving with a close friend for 2 months. We are both the type to be so introverted and shy, it was difficult for each of us to socialize. But together we made some friends, we talked to strangers. We had so much fun going out, it kinda changed our lives.
A lot happened during these past months and now we are closer than ever, she really is my best friend of all time. We can talk about anything going on with our lives pretty much any day of the week with no filter, be happy, sad, angry, vulnerable at wish.
The bad thing is I caught feelings for her and I felt like being clingy recently. I'm craving intimate attention and I know for sure this is not reciprocated. I think I have to let go of that in some way ... but I haven't been able to tell her anything about this yet. I'm not ready for the pain.
@@MechaStorm7didn’t happen
@@MechaStorm7I’m so sorry and I hope it goes well, letting go.
I'm trying to learn this
I wish I found this video sooner. My clinginess made me lose someone that I was so in to. We had a really good start.
It ended up with me getting in a deep depression that lasted ever since. I still regret and hate myself for what I've done.
Do not tear yourself up. You didnt do anything horrid enough, if they dubbed you then they just weren't good for you
agreed, don't be so hard on yourself even if by just a little:) You're not a horrible person for being human and wanting connection. In the past ive been the same way, but I have learned/am learning that someone you have to try so hard to keep around you and change so much of yourself for is probably not worth it. You are also worth the effort, and sometimes you have to be that someone for yourself.
This is one year late, hope you're doing better tho:). I'm still learning this myself.
cheers
Same. Been a year and a half of trying to get over heartbreak but instead of starting feeling good im just depressed about other things too. Why wouldn’t i? I’m just no good and don’t have achievable goals
Forgive yourself. Even Jason Momoa has been there.
Happened to me, it’s been hard
Thanks man. I used to be a "clingy" person and I realized these things as well AFTER experiencing some jit. I thought, I don't like everything that everyone do so why are THEY required to like what I do?. It made me realize that it's fine if they don't reply to me, they just ain't on the same wave as me. I don't have to force them into it, nor do I have to lower myself to fit their needs. I can just be myself and not try to fit in with everyone. I know that people will leave but at the same time people will stay. It don't matter if I lose some people, it just means we ain't THAT compatible, just move on life keeps rolling.
The “inadvertently meeting an emotion need” hit me like a truck.
Same! Like holy shit this explains so much of my behaviour
Notes(For Myself):
Clinginess --> Springs from a great interaction with the person(like a new video game that you enjoy, you want to have that same experience the next day)
To straighten and effectively communicate with the other person, make intentions clear as to not confuse them(friend-zoned).
Match the other person's intensity of interaction; if they eventually want to continue the relationship, then that level of intensity should increase on a relatively equal scale over time(not just romantic relationships).
If the intensity of interaction is not equal, then oftentimes the relationship will fail(One person might look to others for a relationship more on their level).
! - Make your own boundaries known and ask if the other person would like the relationship to continue if they do not respond after a while.
This was actually incredibly helpful in helping me analyse my last relationship.
I'll need to keep this in mind for the future.
It's videos like this that really cement the fact that you're a great content creator/therapist
I've just started to kind of go down the rabbit hole of your various videos and I have to say their phenomenal even the ones that are really long I have ADHD so that can be a challenge for me I find myself being able to get through an hour hour and a half sometimes 2 hours and that says a lot that being said the fact if you can help one person you have a tremendously powerful career and purpose, either way just appreciate you 🙏🔥
In the same boat, just got out of a 20 month relationship where I lost myself in the realtionship. The relationship before that one ended due to the same reason, it's all about growth and learning. We will all get there :)
As a fellow clingy nerd with really high emotional needs- find other things that help meet your needs!! So you don't end up pushing all of that on one person, especially not on someone you're just getting to know! For example, I adopted a pet and volunteer at an animal shelter. The company and the feeling of "being useful" helps me feel accomplished and lower the loneliness levels. Keep yourself busy with things that "fill your cup" and bring you joy, not just blindly busy, that will just make you lonely AND tired.
This kind of content is a lifesaver at the moment. Thanks :)
nobody wants to put a finger on it, because everybody has been clingy in a time of need.
Has there been any Dr.K video made on the opposite topic? How to better deal with clingy people instead of just getting annoyed and maybe end up hurting them?
oh I need this
@@moonrabbit721 me too
No. He should talk about that to all the non clingy people who aren't like me.
@@riptidev10 no but technically I have made music so I am a record producer :3
It’s the clingy person who needs to change their behaviour, so I think it makes sense for dr K to focus on that perspective in his videos. Though I think a video on… idk social guilt? Uncomfortable conversations? would be a good one. It can cause a lot of guilt to have to cut someone off for being clingy or to have to tell them that they are acting inappropriately. Saying something you know will hurt someone can be really uncomfortable and people shy away from discomfort. However it’s really important that we are able to set these sorts of boundaries, and to be able to face these sorts of conversations ourselves. People trying to hide from uncomfortable conversations all the time is what leads to “ghosting” being a trend.
The problem with acting like you don’t give af is that it attracts people that don’t respect themselves and are usually looking for someone that is unavailable. It’s an exhausting dance and not worth the effort or mental gymnastics that are required to keep that dance going.
Tell me about it. I have to act like I don’t care but you end up hating yourself for it and it’s just tiring
Its all a fucking mental game with women I swear, so tiring it is to play, their game, by their rules, what a joke.
@@THEINFERNOKID TDLR Sorry you can’t just not care about your significant other whenever you feel it when you literally said you cared about them when you got into the relationship? What rules?
everyone has relationships pits (men and women) they fall into why are you upset. It’s literally attracting people who are weak in those areas, making that relationship shallow from the start. Complimenting the girl who feels like the ugliest person in the room over and over, isn’t always obvious on the outside. She probably liked John who would take time to come over to compliment that because the behavior mimics actual traits personality wise to get to know (that she hadn’t seen in other relationships). But if you get to know someone you will recognize they are insecure and y’all as a couple should work on that (it’s a different problem if you aren’t growing together, a healthy relationship should) and stop nurturing it. But everyone has different things, People with neglectful parents might get into a relationship with a person who pays no attention to them for 6 months because they are having a hard time in their life and if feels safe. But after work relaxes maybe she realizes someone who never gives me my time of day shouldn’t be my husband, I’m not attracted to the same element as 6 months ago and the shell personality is out of the honeymoon phase. All people date for marriage or happiness (generally), and if after the crush is done if you never had what you originally offered after compliments (attentiveness, someone to listen to you, etc) they leave . Fill multiple needs than. It’s not “mentally games”, a relationship takes energy out of both sides. A relationship like that wasn’t based on anything though, so it falls apart and keeps men like you guessing why a person who left the relationship with confidence because the relationship lacked connection of a person than a purchase of a wife, but the need was filled for months on that dance. If that guy just wanted a person accept all their “gf” things they want for them (flowers, not a gesture everyone likes but is still expected to light up 3 months in despite saying it passed over by “I’m such a good bf suprising her with flowers”) when the girl who actually wasn’t the ugliest girl notices this man only sees me for what they offer him in idea, he hurts her NO RULES. Anyone is! Relationships are a connection if you didn’t “win” the game, maybe because It’s not a game it’s a person. If you were ok to tolerate why weren’t you ok to date? After all these “women” the common denominator is you, a long pattern of toxic women would actually present a problem to fix in your selection. Like fishing for compliments from insecurity left by your ex who talk down to you for years? Or getting into neglectful relationships when stressed ignoring red flags? Why did these women get with you if they thought you couldn’t follow the “rules” when they are trying to invest in a future with you? Healthy relationships a person leaves a cheater (example) because they expected you to follow the rule to not cheat. What were they disappointed by? …sir?
I’m not good at being concise especially on a big screen sorry lol
@@sydneyharp1989 long comments are fine if you format them a little to make them easier to read
sometimes i get clingy because I had so few people. Now I have enough to surround me with, I'm so happy. Thank you
Dr. K you're amazing, I just started this new relationship and my clinginess was causing me to feel insecure despite there not really being a reason for my insecurities, watching this has really helped me out and calmed me down. Dude you're amazing.
I used to be the toxic, clingy type. I’ve been avoiding dating because of it. This video was helpful for organizing how I think about things.
In my 53 years, I've had to learn this through trial and error. Your video articulates so succinctly and so perfectly! I have not come across a better video, or any other form for that matter. Of course there are nuances and a great deal of personal growth that go along with this, but that would only make the core point of your video cloudy and add a great deal of length.
Bravo!!
Yeah, 16 year-olds today really don't know how lucky they are to have this video available. I'm also mid-30's and it also took me a lot of time/pain to understand the points in this video.
@@koftu As a 16-yr-old, I can confirm this is the case :D
Honestly, this channel is a godsend for me and other neurodivergent people. It's honestly so hard sometimes to be able to interact with other people simply because of the differences in how we think, but this channel genuinely helps me understand what behaviours I have that might push people away. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!
Same here!
best advice i've ever gotten. ''if you wanna ask someone out, just ask them out''
Ya know I didn’t think this was me, but I watched this video a little over a year ago as I was making a new friend. I didn’t have trouble making friends or anything, I was just starting to watch all of HG’s content.
Anyways, I guess this video sunk in, because the way I approached this new relationship was much less clingy, with more communication and consideration of their needs. We’re now best friends a year later, and I think our relationship is much healthier than it would’ve been if I had approached it with my old, admittedly clingy style.
I’m so glad it worked out for you!
"I send good morning texts to my girlfriend. I send good morning texts to my wife."
👀
Ayo 🤨 📷
Lol I thought I was the only one that heard that
I was definitely laughing my ass off at this, the way he said it and looked around was so funny
I laughed when he said that , had to run it back to see if he actually said that
💀💀
Most of the times when you pretend to not care becomes the person thinking you actually don't care and it ends up becoming both not caring akd the relationship ends.
or when you're having a mental crisis and can't be there for another person. the guy in the post is really lucky... when i stop engaging with people they stop engaging with me eventually
@@gorlbagepile yeah..
@@gorlbagepile Fuck 'em (not literally). If you stop messaging as often and they stop seeming interested, it just means they were never interested and were responding to you out of pity. Don't bother with people who will just lead you on.
Even if it's painful, you can also always just _ask_ what they see you as and if they're interested. Most of the time people will be honest and either say you mean a lot to them, or just tell you to finally piss off.
The latter really hurts, but just remember that those types of people will always get what's coming to them. People who play with other people's feelings won't find real happiness with themselves until they fix their problem.
True, I actually often doing this in the past but a lot of my relationship become ends
True, I actually often doing this in the past but a lot of my relationship become ends
wow, you've earned a sub. as someone diagnosed with adhd and depression, i've had a bad tendency of being overzealous in the opening moments of relationships and hypersensitive when they inevitably failed from it, and it has been extremely hard to deal with. i've been doing a lot of growth over the last few years emotionally, but this video was really a huge turning point in the way i think about how to approach the prospect of a relationship with someone. i'm excited to see what other revelations i have watching your other content, and i think what you're doing is so important, specifically for young men and their mental health.
This is probably the most life changing video I’ve ever found on the subject of relationships. Your graphs really illustrated the concept well. You’ve earned a new subscriber
I am never really blown away with these types of videos, but the way this one is formated and his line of reasoning. Wow, this earned a sub, like, and definitely will be sharing this video with other people. Amazing work, can't wait to see what else you have
This was so incredibly helpful and reaffirming. It's too true too many aren't taught how to form healthy relationships and it basically is about being lucky enough to learn it from somebody mentally healthy enough. No one around me growing up were good role models with forming any kind of relationship platonic or otherwise so I formed so many very toxic connections. My perspective of normal was so distorted for a long time and I know its that way for so many others. You are truly making the world a better place Dr. K!
This video came at the perfect time! Recently I’ve been thinking on how quickly I form intense, “clingy” attachments to people, and on how I have had a number of very intense friendships & relationships which initially felt perfect, but which fell apart in the end. I can feel myself becoming attached to someone new at the moment, so this video has been extremely helpful in dealing with that. Thanks :)
A reoccurring pattern for me is having a great conv with someone chat for a couple of days and then leave the ball in their court but it stays there forever, happened too many times I lost interest in making new friends all together. I know it's not a healthy mindset to carry moving forward but I really don't know what to do and I don't want to force myself on others.
Maybe they didn't feel like the ball was in their court
@@bobobsen It doesn't get clearer than "hmu when you're free so we can play" That's an actual text I sent to a friend 2 weeks ago and got nothing after him saying "sure"
@@luciole2594yikes
@luciole2594 yup
Thank you so much for this. You have raised important key points when it comes to interacting with the person that you like. I've been talking to this person for a while now and she really made me happy we have the same common grounds to our interests but also have differences, at first I was worried that I might be too clingy to her but time goes by we are now in our comfort zone with regards to interacting or giving time for each other, It is really important to set your intentions correctly and clearly so that there will be no misunderstandings.
Wow I needed this. That conversation is an important one and seems like it answers so many more questions for an anxious attachment style person.
This spoke very loudly. and is highly accurate. the dumbing yourself down or "holding back" is very exhausting. but despite the common outcomes and ways to go about the situation. always remember that some people can intentionally take advantage of your clinginess. I put (holding back) in quotations because I had a similar situation like this and we talked so much about the emotional aspects of friendships. it even started out slow, I was very clinged on the inside but remained reserved for the most part. I mainly let her come to me and that probably came off an uninterested. she knew I cared a lot though as I made it clear. but all in all its best to address intentions when you can or you'll become resentful. always consider how they may percieve the situation as well. I got divorced at 25. I'm now 28 and have zero friends I pushed some away during a depressive time, but a lot just never reached out. So, if I get to speak with anyone now. I still tell myself to just be chill, no matter how nervous or exciting it may be. You aren't alone, no matter how much it may feel that way! :)
A true friend will find a way to contact you even if you push them away and ask if you need help
I guess we do live in age of loneliness
Also when you've been clingy and outcome dependent your whole life - fixing the problem can feel a bit like you're giving up on them/yourself and your personality at first.
it was a hard adjustment for me. thankfully I finally got it when I legitimately became too busy with stuff to be able to reply as much as I was
Sounds a bit like you buried your issues with work ?
@@Alalilaful Ironically, having something to focus on can disrupt that kind of feedback cycle. If work provides that sense of meaning then you don't need to go digging for it as much elsewhere. If that achieves a balance that ends up with more net happiness, I think it's fine.
@@Alalilaful I'm dating more now than I was then, and sometimes I actually forget to respond to someone now (not that that feels good). It's a matter of having all of the areas of your life balanced or at least being occupied/busy with more than just girls/guys.
I love the conversations being had in these, thank you to everyone submitting their experiences. It helps a lot to know there are other people going through similar struggles as yourself!
Hey, thank you dr k you saved me from falling into a hole of insecurities and shame. The concept of my intrinsec value as a human being and not externalizing really create a big change on how I managed to recover from a rejection and feeling used. I really appreciate it
That was so incredibly helpful, insightful and well explained. I can finally put a finger on a concept, which is matching other people's energy. I usually look for tips on this and i get told, forget the girl focus on yourself, be an asshole and etc. I'm so glad for this guy to have posted and Dr. K for dismantling it for us so well.
It's simple. If someone is not into you, no matter what games you play, good clingy guy or bad guy, you will not get them. Because the interest is never there from the first place. They might response you just to be nice, but that doesn't mean they are into you the same way that you are into them.
I like the new slide at the beginning. It makes me feel like healthy gamer took these criticisms to heart and heard them out. Makes me feel like those criticisms, while difficult to deal with, actually helped healthy gamer to figure out how to better both cover their ass and ensure the confidentiality/ non therapist relationship is clear.
What I’m saying is mr girl helped, even though it sucked to have happen. I feel like healthy gamer is learning from “mistakes” (everyone makes mistakes), and perfecting their craft so they can keep helping people.
Love and hate aren’t mutually exclusive. Good intentions aren’t divorced from mistakes or small boundary breaking. It’s part of the process of this stuff out in the new internet age, and I’d like to think that everyone will be better off because of this experience.
I'm so terrified of ever being clingy that I don't even text people first and if they don't respond I literally never speak to them again. I feel like it only takes one interaction to scar you for life lmao.
Oh boy...thats some serious anxiety. You are strong enough to handle rejection. You are strong enough to handle so many things, you just haven't experienced it yet.
You'd be surprised how eager people are to talk if you keep things casual, like inviting people to meet up, focusing on what you have in common, listening to their responses. Idk texting is a very bad metric to judge relationships, it should only be a means to setting up meetings with people you actually want to spend time around, I think.
I read the title as "How To Stop Being So Cringy" and thought for just a second, I had found a video that could help me...
When I act like clingy I attract sociopaths and narcissist, when I act aloof I attract codependents. It's so hard to interact with people.
I feel you man, it's hard to find that balance.
I figured out the secret. Dont act, be your clingy self. Ditch those who dont like it (its their loss, they just missed out on a great friend) and keep those who do. If you end up with no one it doesnt mean that you are broken. You just hung out with the wrong people. Now there is room for new, hopefully better people in your life.
And most importantly, love yourself. You are enough. You dont need to change for others to like you. (Change only for yourself). We are all imperfect and everyone has atleast one shitty trait. We clingy people tend to think that we are weird and everyone else is perfect but that is the furthest from the truth. Sometimes its actually the other person thats being weird! Dont beat yourself up over the clinginess. The imperfections are what makes us human. Of course if you act toxic you need to work on that. You can work on yourself and love yourself at the same time.
A true friend will look past your bad traits. They will be patient, understanding and forgiving. You will find a compromise. Just be honest and communicate your needs.
Ive been there and I know how much it sucks. But you arent doomed and things will get better. Keep fighting :)
Solution: don't interact
Also stop manifesting it
💯
Honestly, for me it had everything to do with authenticity. I used to be very self-cautious and people pleasing. Always being concerned about the thoughts and the opinions of other people. In the end that worked out counterintuitively.
My therapist always was keen on me not being able to decide for other people what they think. I only decide what I think or feel. So the best thing is to focus on your own wants and needs.
In the end I had to learn to look to my own needs, emotions and feelings towards situations and let that guide me. The connections and relationships after that have been genuine and healthy since I speak with integrity and state my feelings, needs and desire without attaching myself to the outcome, since I can't decide what people think about me. That's up to them.
This helped me to form relationships and friendships in which I was not only more comfortable since I'm 100% myself, but also to express myself more genuinely to the people around me.
I thought not being concerned about that people thought about me would push people away from me, but rather it's to opposite, speaking with integrity and being genuine shapes stronger, more honest and better connections. And it's a great filter.
Also, I see a lot of genderized/generalized behaviour in these comments. I think it's more about thinking about how you define your connection and relationship yourself, rather than expecting a chase, it's all about connection and compatibility. Gender and personality is a spectrum, and accepting parts of yourself as they are is more important than trying to be someone you're not just to make someone else interested.
What kind of behaviors/life changes did you have to adopt to improve? I feel like my goal is to be more authentic because allowing myself to be myself has always been tough, although I'm slowly getting there
@ExtremelyOnline Guy man you're so confused...
Dr. K idk how many times i've said this but.. your videos always find me at the right time. Helped me fully understand something that I was struggling to piece together and i couldn't thank you enough. Absolute legend!
This makes it so much easier. I realized the reason I only ever want a romantic relationship is because it’s the only relationship that has more defined boundaries about texting and asking to hang out. If I just have a conversation with my friends about how often we can see eachother than connecting will become so much easier. I don’t need a romantic relationship with a girl if I just talk to them about the boundaries of our friendship and how often to hang out. This is like the one thing that keeps me from connecting to people in my life. Thank you Dr. Kanoja
This video is spot on. And most of the analogies are similar to the ones I use.
One of my favorite analogies is attraction is like baking a cake. If you're constantly opening the oven door to check on it, it'll never bake or at the very least, it'll take forever. Likewise, adding too much heat for too long will burn it out.
Thank you! I often feel like a boomer & if it weren't for my amazing therapists, I might have listened to Gen Zs & clingy ppl accusing me of being 'avoidant'. So many would be friends & lovers who I cannot chill with just because they wanted to dominate my time. I have a full & wonderful life yo. Instead of texting good morning, make time to meet me instead of building some weird, faux intimacy via sms. Thankfully my healthy boundaries led me to a partner who doesn't even use their phone AT ALL. Face to face is where it's at and where it's REAL. Love your content!
This video couldn't have come out at a better time and was very helpful. Without getting into too much detail I've been so clingly to one specific friend of mine and I really liked her as a friend because she was soft and reassuring. Things took a turn when I couldn't understand my own emotions (as in if I liked her or not). I was being way to over stepping with my anxiety and it ended in an awkward blowout. Luckily she forgave me and now we're ok (VERY TAME to what I've heard from other people but still). Most people aren't that lucky to have an outcome like that, so if I can be more aware my my clingliness and emotional needs I can prevent situations like that from happening.
TL:DR I'm clingy and this video helped me be more aware of it.
I'm in this situation where I feel like im too attached/clingy towards my best friend. Lately while chatting around with them things feel alot more distant than usual and it really hurts because there is most likely nothing wrong other then them wanting more space for their own.
Even after reassurance of them I still feel a bit insecure and I really want to learn how to not feel upset about this topic. Fundamentally I understand that people need space for their own life, own things and that but my emotions are making it really difficult to deal with it.
I recently tried to tone down the frequency of "tossing balls" over to them and while they still message me if they have something to share/talk about things have become so very distant / not interested into having a conversation most of the time. (Atleast out of my view). It is very possible that for her especially its not even a big deal and she just needs to be for herself.
I tried talking to her about this but it got kind of ignored and barely acknowledged..
I just have the fear of being abonded really. I just want to make things right so the friendship is not getting damaged further.
That was a year ago. Is your relationship with your best friend better now?
How did this work out? Same for me with my bff happened after five years made no sense I thought we were good. I never felt clingy to him and he to I and we could talk all day or not it didn’t matter but more often than not. Kind of blows my mind he ditched me after asking to hang out. No empathy I guess. I’m only asking for him to say hi and talk for a few minutes to help ease me out of this it feels really unfair to have all that and expect all that and then just give it all to another friend without telling me first. I got blindsided the day before my birthday when he disappeared. He spends every evening almost always alone with her now and I struggle to get a text or a few minutes and I’m lucky to get an hour and a half that’s the best :/ trying not to be sad and rebuild happiness.
Hey! @@mineralbunny8736
I'm sorry to hear that, really.
I think for guys sometimes they get super attached to 1 single person..and they forget about everyone else. I certainly have been there. I feel like keep trying and sending texts and trying to connect is all you can do. Obviously I think this shouldnt fully rely on your efforts too!! Dont make effort for people that arent worth it, you know.
As for me
Things have been well, I think.
Had some downs and ups in between things but we always ended up figuring it out.
Ended up eventually having a long and proper needed conversation about boundaries.. which kinda helped I'd say.
Like sometimes I just do my own stuff, she does her own thing too.. Theres been days where we talk a lot - sometiems very little.. hekk some days we just exchange silly memes or insta reels just for the sake of "hey i havent forgotten about you" and i really dig it.
Sometimes I still get sad if i dont get "my daily attention" but its not on my friend but on me, I would say. :>
We currently have this reassuring dymanic that won't make me feel left out or upset if she's busy with other people / or just wants to do her things and also ALOT of understanding from her. I respect her for dealing with my dumbass every day :')
Also since that comment till now -- its been a year and I think i as a person have grown into a little more positive... so yeaaa
Growing up I was pretty much always neglected and ignored and I've met a person that is super understandable of what happened to me and we've set lots of boundaries. Sometimes I do have bad days where I feel like I'm being too annoying to them and clinging to them but they reassure me I'm not. I'm a very extroverted person once somebody gets to know me and I also have ADD so I just want to keep talking about anything and everything, lol
Sadly, such understanding people are rare.
You found gold! And I'm sure the understanding from your partner soothes you makes you a better person. Amazing, you're one of the lucky ones.
Love this video bc I've definitely been on both sides of this & it sucks either way. It's a lot of pressure to be someone's only way of getting their emotional needs met, and it's also kind of dehumanizing. Like you're starving for emotional connection & I'm just the "steak". I've done this to people, too.
Dr K nailed it when he said the thing that was missing was any info about the other person. That's why it's so easy for people to write off a whole gender or even race or nationality when things go wrong, bc you're not really seeing the individual person you're talking to at all. We're just dumping all our needs & hopes onto this one person we just met & blaming them when they can't handle the pressure.
It helps to learn about what needs you're trying to fill & focus on giving yourself that, instead. For me, that was fun & connection. So basically I just need to make more friends I can actually talk to. Having good friends or other things to look forward to helps loosen my grip on whoever I'm trying to connect with.
This was cathartic to hear. I knew i was missing something and couldn't figure it out. And i feel like you are filling in those missing pieces.
I was just recently thinking i needed an academic style explanation of how relationships works lol
Still scary but feels a tad more manageable now
I legit watched this 3 times because it relates so much to my experiences with friendship. I don't wish to date anymore, but still want rather intimate friendships with high trust and comfort, so on. Becomes difficult when regulation isn't a quality of mine, so I just say stupid shit and scare people away. Though, weirdly enough, it's more the other way around. Had a friend who was overly clingy and never respected it when I said stop to stuff that made me uncomfortable or annoyed. It doesn't feel good, that much I know.
Dr. K explains things in a way that a toddler could understand. This is just incredible
thank you so much for this. i can't put into words how much this has helped me understand myself. i've gone through some big pains when it comes to relationships lately and i think this right here was very much one of the main causes. but knowing is half the battle, and now i know. thank you so much.
this actually helped me recognize my clingy and lowkey toxic behavior in my relationship.... like i knew this but i couldnt quite put it into words. but with this i have a more clear idea of whats going on within me and how to deal with it. so tyvm for this video
Doctor K, where were you when I was 18? I could really have used your videos back in the day 😅 heck, even now, at 33 years old I'm learning a lot about myself with you.
What's a good way to start addressing an emotional deficit like this? I'd love nothing more than to be in a relationship, but I don't think I'm capable of being healthy about it without hurting myself. I would like to be able to have a healthy relationship without constantly feeling like I have to suppress my emotional needs. I want to be able to grow the relationship alongside my partner without having to artificially scale down any attachment.
Maybe try to spread out that emotional need. If you aren't ready for a relationship, try to make some good friends and then you have less to throw at one person. A different solution, would to be just easing into it. If you find someone who you're attracted to and might want to get to know better, remind yourself that you aren't ready to commit to a healthy relationship yet, and switch mental gears to "I want to be this person's friend". Get to know them and enjoy their company, because that doesn't require a romantic or sexual connection. Then maybe you ease into flirting or dating if you're in a place where you're comfortable with that, but if you aren't just tell her that if it looks like she's trying to pursue that. Say "Hey, I enjoy your company and all, but I don't think I'm interested in a relationship right now. Are you ok with just being friends?" or if you aren't sure ask. Clarify that they are looking for a relationship and then ask them what they expect out of a relationship in the sense of "Where are we at right now from your perspective and what are your needs going into this?" and maybe what they're looking for is something you're comfortable giving.
It's unavoidable. They're a person. You'll never always have exactly the right amount of attachment fitting for them because the needs and capacities aren't static. You'll need to compromise at some point. They'll need to compromise at some point. But I know you can do it.
Find time for yourself. People come and go, it's not hard to find them. Although, it's very difficult to find the right one. So just dedicate some time to yourself and then spend free time on someone else. This will make sure that you are still your own person even when you are in a relationship and you won't overwhelm them, since you are busy with yourself. Also, when you have something to do, you will have more meaningful conversations, instead of wondering what to talk about because you discussed basically everything in the first week.
@@NightWing1800 imo the issue with trying to make friends first is that you're just being dishonest, from experience the whole having feelings for your friend thing works out absolutely horribly and is hurtful to the other person, after all what you did was essentially kinda fake being a friend to them because what you really wanted all along was to get in their pants, you can lie to yourself that you're just looking for a friend but I've found it's not at all that easy to get the other expectation completely out of your system, if not impossible
If you can't hold on loosely, relationships aren't for you.
I'm just starting a new relationship and I swear the clingy stage is my favourite part-- we're both clingy for each other and I hope it never ends.
it will end in a few months , after that alot times people stop talking to each other because they love that high it gives
You run out of things to talk about, you don't talk to each other as much as you used to, doubts start flying, frustration increases, fights happen, nothing lasts forever. Just be completely honest with how you feel and ask the other person to do so and take anything they say with an open mind, in the end it all depends on how much one person is willing to adapt for the other because after that high phase ends life comes in and you both can't dedicate as much time to each other as you hoped you could.
Just be yourself
Or they don't suddenly ditch you
I always remember this saying about how for a marriage to last, you gotta be friends/besties with your love partner. Because yeah, when the high of lovestruck & lust settles down, what's left is our ordinary everyday selves.
If we can open up and still vibe or compromise with each other's everyday selves like we would as besties, that's a keeper. For that to happen, you need to - as Dr. K said - listen to their needs, understand yourself and healthy communication, even if it's not romantic nor sexy.
Me & my fiance have been together for 2.5 years and so far I can confirm that those things are important 👍 ❤️ If the super strong closeness still naturally happens after years of knowing each other then great! But yeah, remember that you will live with their ordinary self & vice versa.
And we who get clingy blame the other person for keeping distance.
Thanks for this video!
I wish I saw this video before my last relationship. As you’re talking about what causes things to fail and how we should handled things is almost textbook how it went. We started strong and then died off quickly. I will keep this information in mind as I move forward with my life.
Sometimes information like this here is nothing new really, esp. at some older age, but I still find so useful to have this reminded and reflected upon one more time exactly when I need it.
I am so glad that I found this channel. I feel like this explains a lot about why my online friendships seem to have fizzled out compared to earlier. This explains so much about my past relationships because I have been on both sides of this problem. I hope that my relationships going forward will improve after this.
would you care to elaborate on the online friendships part? im kinda having issues with it as well
I think that people need to be better at communicating. I always try to say shit like "it's totally fine if you need space right now.", when I'm feeling clingy... When someone is being clingy with me I usually say something like "I enjoy talking to you too, I just want to take things a bit slower."
It's not hard to communicate this shit without being an asshole, and it will help everyone be happier 😂
*Dr K giving great relationship advice*
*people in the comments- It may be toxic but imma keep doing it
Hahah for real
Alcoholists and smokers be like
It only works for a certain situation it doesn't work for all relationships and that's the issue
2 years late but recently had an experience where I did all of the clingy things. Could’ve definitely used this video then, my actions increased my own anxiety and decreased my confidence so it became an everlasting negative loop. Thank you very much for this!
Be careful who you take advice from. I love my mom but the advice she gave me was exactly the pitfall of misleading intentions discussed in this video - I was told to send good morning texts after a first date. Always trust your reason and intuition and investigate further. Most people giving advice is worthless. But you should still hear them out.
On the topic of good morning/good night texts, I think the advent of Snapchat might be subtly encouraging this behavior. Since the app rewards daily communication, it has normalized a culture of people sending "good morning" and "good night" snaps to all their friends to meet that daily snap requirement and may be bleeding over to other aspects of the app as well.
My friends and I have had a scale of clinginess and laugh about it. knowing it can go either way sometimes and that there are some that have it strong. I am an old so I've had the fortune of being clingy being clung to and having it just right.
I really liked the moment Dr. K talked about, being in the moment. Meditation has helped me a lot.
My Nanna would say, worrying is like a rocking chair, it'll give you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. Then my Mum would say it's like long division! you can do it. But why?
I overthink things and still have to reel it in sometimes but the good thing is.
I used to think I was broken, unlovable and only good at something that's essentially erased by flicking a switch.
But turns out I have great capacities others struggle to even understand and leveling up in life is hard af but worth
Thank you for your comment. I'm just 21, but I do relate to whatever you wrote. I'm glad that I came across your comment as it reflects my own self too well. Specially that part, "overthinking, not able to make decisions,unlovable , and someone who's lousy and not good at things" but still I'll keep moving forward no matter what, enhance myself and make it better no matter what happens.
Annnnnnd, i also have this friend Just like yours though we've known each other for few months, but I hope we can be together as long as we live, i really do.
Anyways thanks for your views again, they were really inspiring 😊❤️
I don't mind spending time with you, it's when I don't get time with just myself that I really start to pull back.
Cause when I'm with other people I feel the need to entertain or look my best or be a certain way around you, I don't get to relax like I do by myself.
Let me come to you sometimes, or let me do my own thing for a while. Basically if we're hanging out all the time, and messaging each other when we're not with each other it's like I get no break at all.
Idk what I'm talking about though, since I don't date anymore lol.
Some people like clingy partners, I'm just not one of them. My attachment style is avoidant for a reason 😅
My current partner feels the same way as this, and I tend to be the clingy type....I'm very grateful he's been patient as I re-learn how to act
You should realise that if you can't be relaxed with a person and you feel like you have to be special in those moments, that's also not healthy.
@@helgenlane Oh I do a lot of things that are unhealthy, but I'll add it to my list. 😅
I've never felt so called out in my life.
I came across this vid randomly and I clicked. Dude, you have no idea how much you helped me. I can't even sit properly during this vid, and that's good, because most of the scenarios described are literally me. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
Yah. It's tough! I'm lucky that in my current relationship, we're both enthusiastic to talk to each other. We're good at giving space, but also getting back to each other. We both tend to have anxiety, so can see things from the others perspective. Though, I still get concerned when I talk about certain subjects. I will say though, in dating, as the guy, giving space and playing that dance of attention and pull back, tends to go further...The solution, I've found though, is just matching and increasing vulnerability. Seriously though, if it's not a fuck yah from the start, maybe keep looking...
I have another theory Dr. K from an Attachment Theory lens, and from personal experience. Some romantic partners or friends may have:
(1) "Avoidant Attachment" ie; due to childhood attachment trauma with their care givers, they have a fear of intimacy / healthy co-dependence / they're hyper independent.
(2) or "Anxious Attachment" ie; they're hyper co-dependent or otherwise clingy, and have a fear of abandonment. They may be possessive, controlling, or need far more security.
(3), "Secure Attachment" like myself, I had a healthy upbringing, my parents are still together, I was given complete love and security. Which is only 50-60% of the population.
(There's also a rare "Fearful / Disorganized" type which is a hybrid of 1 & 2)
- Now Imagine an Avoidant and a Secure person together. The Secure person is normal, but this normal is too clingy for the Avoidant, because they don't like to feel remotely vulnerable. The secure person may do typical things done in a healthy codependent relationship, but the avoidant will feel smothered. It's usually hot & cold, push & pull over and over again though. I've had a long term relationship through most of my 20s in this sort of dynamic, and as an introvert and creative who needs a lot space and boundaries, I'm certainly not clingy.
- Now Imagine Avoidant and an Anxious person. This is a toxic dynamic often set up for failure. One person wants hyper codependency, the other wants hyper independence. Neither are satisfied, and may grow to resent the other person or want each other to change.
- Now imagine a Secure and an Anxious person. Anxious person may be the clingy one, require an elevated sense of security and reassurance more than the secure person needs, they may want to possess the person to soothe their anxiety, such has expecting replies frequently, or wanting to be around them constantly. This is the dynamic you're describing.
Typically Avoidant-Avoidant, Anxious-Anxious, Secure-Secure people have similar needs, and may be on the same page with their baseline needs and expectations.
I type this out because just sometimes, you're not the problem especially if you're using just one romantic relationship to evaluate yourself, you don't have enough data and then assume you are indeed too clingy. I had to learn this the hard way. I'm 29 now, and after many years of dealing with this in the past, I did change from a healthy baseline, into one that's cynical and uncaring, which on one hand gives me a really strong sense of stoicism and control (which I like, and yes it works in attraction), but on the other hand makes me look at relationships almost like something premeditated, calculated, and strategized because I don't want to relive the hurt, which sucks. I wish I could just be healthy with someone healthy, and have a 1:1 give and take, but unfortunately relationships are complicated and many people come with their quirks and unconscious traumas. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
Hello, thanks for the write-up, what’s your advise to someone who have Anxious-attachment? How does one solve this?
@@jerryigwe7684 Well, in short completely recognizing you have an anxious attachment is half the work! Because you'll start to become mindful / cognizant of it, and start to recognize those patterns playing out.
There are first "thoughts" that are precursors to "behaviors". And what you want to do is slowly stop thoughts -> from becoming impulsive behavior. For example, if your girlfriend is out with friends, and you start having thoughts that she's cheating / with other guys, and you're about to impulsively bombard her phone. First stop the behaviors while holding the thought in it's place. Then what you want to do is rationalize the problematic thoughts itself.
Journaling helps. Asking yourself questions helps for example "Objectively, would my girlfriend ever cheat on me? Am I overreacting in any way? What does this speak about my own fears and insecurities?". Think though it logically. Over time this sort of rationalization will become second nature and you'll start to Journal mentally.
Another piece of advice I'd give is, you need to be in a relationship / a strong friendship while healing. Because with 'Attachment trauma' they tend only to surface when vulnerability / romantic relationships are concerned. You might spend your whole life thinking you're normal as it stays dormant, and one relationship, and you realize this childhood patterns surface out of nowhere and cause all sorts of sabotaging behavior. I would also say tell your partner "I have ____ attachment issue, but I really want to work through it with you... If you catch me doing x,y,z, please knock some sense into me." It's really healthy to go about it that way because they'll offer insight when you're unable to. Good luck to you Jerry!
@@jerryigwe7684 One last thing, there's a very underrated TH-cam channel called "
Coach Craig Kenneth" and he has a number of videos on Anxious attachment styles, as well as case studies from clients as a psychotherapist. I think it's a good resource :).
@@AaronMetallion Thank you so much! I truly appreciate!!!!
I like how Dr. K’s handwriting is exactly what you’d expect on a prescription
It hate to admit it but I really needed this video. Thank you so much
Bro made an actual lesson, lesson at the life subject, with maps and all. i didnt know that can be taught in such a comprehensive way. You saved me weeks of trying to figure it out myself
damn. All my friendships have been like that.
My emotional need is definitely having someone who shares the same interests as me and if I meet someone like that the conversation gets really intense we would write for hours, after 2 days they tell that it feels like we've known each other for years and I really feel the same but the conversation dies down after a week until we barely write something to each other ever again.
Kinda makes me sad
This.
I love Dr. K man this stuff so helpful i want more people like Dr. K to exist this video was very relateable to a recent situation.
This is so interesting. I've been both clingy and toxic, but not on purpose, but kind of automatically by feeling sorry for myself. I think the underlying issue is obsession and tunnel vision. When you have a crush, the joy that you feel out of interacting with them is like a narcotic, and you become addicted to it, obsessing with the person, while all of your other social connections suffer. You stop being as emotionally available for your other friends or your parents, etc. I've been obsessed with a single girl for almost 9 years until I had to accept that they're in a healthy, loving relationship with someone else and stop feeling jealous about "being there first" so to speak because my friend didn't owe me a relationship. And as a result, even though our interactions decreased, they became much healthier. However, after being so focused on a single person, I developed a habit of not being available for others, and even though I can sometimes get in a mood to talk to one of my friends, I don't have enough will in me to continue maintaining that relationship, so I guess I seem very distant or uncaring, but in truth I just distract myself with work or internet addiction. And it's really weird, because I enjoy talking to people, but at the same time have very low energy for frequent conversations, and at a certain point it just feels weird to bother another person, because they're in transition from being a friend to an "old acquaintance that I'm likely never gonna talk with".
Real
Truly on point, also personally what i've learned is that if you're trying too hard for someone who either doesn't appreciate or doesn't realize your intentions, you're doing something wrong. It's not about not being attractive or funny or cool, it's about how open minded and straight forward you are, instead of trying to find indirect ways to tell someone you MIGHT have some intentions with them, just go up to them and say what's on your heart. Works better than trying too much to still be rejected or friend zoned
damm, watching your video at the same time as opening the DSM-5 PD chapter
This video has been so helpful in accepting my own views on communication. I've always disliked good morning texts and this awkward dancing back and forth while I've pushed them all the way into the friendzone already. All this texting and online messaging burns me out.
Sent a good morning text this morning rip lmfao. Though we've been on a date. Thanks for unpacking this it's helping me realize what's going on a bit better. I love all the insights you give it's hard to retrain out of bad habits but I will do it! I do get that feeling of a new video game and ramping it through the early stages. Slow and steady wins the race again I suppose.
Wait with the good mornings until you're a couple lol
Yes! Another video that resonates so much with me!
My entire life I've been prone to being clingy :-/
this is so neutral and logical thank you so much for this, instant follow
God thank you dr K. I’m someone who’s getting out of her depressive/anxiety riddled lifestyle and I never learned to form healthy relationships. Honestly I’m very clingy and self centered and it leads to me making relationships that have no common ground or fizzle out. I became so desperate for friends that I overshared, love bombed, and vented to the point they got uncomfortable and left. An unfortunate reality for mentally struggling people is that you often don’t learn how to have appropriate relationships and communication with people and end up feeling more lonely.