I really appreciate you covering my post Dr.K. I was hoping for this to happen. If someone is interested, nothing has changed between us; still radio silence. To give you guys a little update, I sent her one more message. However, it was a goodbye one; no rambling, no trying to win her over again, no begging. Just said how I feel about all this and wished her a happy life, so I think I'm going in a good direction Update (25th of April) : Just 20 minutes ago gathered my balls to block her and delete the number.
That's an excellent way to go. I'm going out on a limb here, but I figured this might be applicable to your situation. Your post said you'd been in this friendship for a year, but the moment things became sexual, she cut you off. I'm an asexual woman with some trauma around harassment and attempted sexual assault. Your description of her made me wonder if she might be another asexual person who is unaware of her orientation and possible trauma/triggers. I know of asexual people who've worried that they would lose their relationships if they didn't make them sexual... and then triggered themselves (a lot of asexual people have experience in being pressured or forced). Of course, this in no way makes what she did fair. That was brutal, and I am so sorry you've had this incredibly painful experience. I felt I should say this in case it my perspective is applicable and could give you peace.
@@itsAuffy that it is ok that it happened, you just cared too much about that person at that time and tried to rationalize their bad behaviour towards you and may have come up with excuses yourself.
We are trying to avoid pain but in hoth options whether we choose to stay or let it sink we experience pain. So might as well experience pain but with keeping dignity than experiencing pain and also be a doormat and lose self respect
Best of luck to you, I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone. I came out OK, but it took multiple years and some therapy and some good relationships. You’ve got this.
@@iPsychlops thanks :) yeah propbably I will have a similar journey. I got a good therapist and the roots for all these problems seem to be very deep. cheers!
“Self respect is actually choosing pain” gave me chills, never thought of it that way. “suffering builds character” has always resonated with me and wording it in the way that you did was very mind opening.
I learned this lesson the hard way unfortunately. I won't go into all the details, but I had a very close friend who I once would speak to every day for about two years. I expected life and work to get in the way, so at first I wasn't too terribly upset when our messages became more infrequent. It would have been selfish of me to insist they had to keep in constant contact with me. But after a few months, I realised that I was the one who was always saying initiating contact and felt as though I was getting very little effort in return. Of course, it's not always an even 50/50, but at that point it had been a 90/10 for a long time. So I stopped messaging first. Which was difficult to do because I'd gotten into the habit of doing it so often. A week passed, then two. Then a month. Then three. Then six. They hadn't even thought to send me a "how are you?" or a meme. People drift apart, I guess, and it's better to accept that than to try and cling to the past if one of you no longer wants it in the present. Still, my heart goes out to anybody who is/was in a similar situation. Letting go is very hard, and it can feel like giving up a part of yourself in friendships and relationships that we're so deeply emotionally invested in. But I promise in the end, it will be for the better.
Same, I only knew this person for a matter of like maybe 2 years or so but we were so tight while it lasted. It didn't end as smoothly as I would have liked, having ignored some of their toxic traits it wasn't going to end well since I knew too much. I confronted them to try and see if there was any solution but it all came down to me just finding my own space outside of theirs. I made peace with it and decided to disassociate from them and their friend group. I'm still kind of traumatized as a result and have an even tougher time finding people who actually care but that's life in a nutshell. Only thing we can do is be better and do better.
Thats my whole life. If I don't initiate nobody talks to me, but I'm used to it. If the same problem happen to me each time then I am the problem but I don't know what is the problem with me. Whenever I hear people say they get texted everyday it feels alien, like, how?
@@ununun9995 The people that get texted frequently might have something that others want. For example, if you're a rich high status person (e.g. celebrities, etc.), I can imagine they have a bunch of people contacting them all the time. I personally wouldn't like that because it'll feel like people are just using me whenever they want to hang out with me.
I had a situation where I was treated like a pet by a friend and didn't realize it for a while. But then one day it sort of clicked and created this chain reaction of me realizing sooo many people in my life that treated me similarly were the reason I thought such awful things about myself (low self worth my entire life), called those people out and then cut contact with them completely. The realization that you're not actually worthless and it was just someone else's insecurities being projected onto you is an amazing feeling.
@@michemicalromance i want to know too. I'm only guessing here but maybe the feeling of being "used" only when it's convenient and never out of genuine interest for the other person?
Yes I now decided to let it go, rn she is literally at the other end of the globe on travelling/finding herself. She was my first gf in high school and then she texted me 8 years later. Had a great date, but that is almost a year ago now. She will return to Holland in about 2 months. And we planned another date when she returns. But the last time we had contact was about 3 months ago now. But now I'm fearful that she meets other guys there stuff like that. These obsessed feeling for this girl started when i met someone new myself, this girl really likes me but I can't really let her in or something. Because i have made these romantic fantasies about ending up with my first gf again.
@@andyprasetyo9117 not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. We don't know the original commenter's story. Chances are, they're better off not contacting their mom which is why the made the comment.
There are people in this world who are, deep down, pieces of shit who will drop you and abandon you for no justifiable reason. I relate to this guy because I experienced something similar with someone I met in high school. No matter what, don’t chase that person. No matter what, don’t let them back in. Don’t give them another chance. Keep them at arms length AT MOST if they’ve truly become an acceptable human being. They don’t deserve you after abusing you like that.
Exactly. Disposing of someone that cares about you like that just speaks volumes on who you are as a person. It’s something selfish, shitty people do who take you for granted
That person might not be a piece of shit. That person might be a genuine person going through shit. Still, that changes nothing. It is wrong to reach judgment saying that they are a piece of shit, but still, even if it is Jesus Christ himself descending to world and ghosting you on whatsapp, you gotta say, sorry Jesus, I know you are a good person but you are treating ke like shit, so, goodbye forever
Had this happen in August 2020. Absolutely brutal. Still never explained, but I found out she was seeing someone else. Best part is I had had a sinus surgery the day prior and she knew that. Crying under those circumstances hurt in several different ways
Been there myself brother.... July 2022 ,she got a new boyfriend and told me not to contact her anymore...One whole year has passed, still feels like it was yesterday.. my life competely went off the rails as I watched helplessly... In process of making a comeback. Stay Strong brother 👍
I had to learn this for myself not too long ago. Had a close friend I had known since 2014 that met a lot of emotional needs and shared a lot of common interests and values. But she blocked me everywhere one day, without any tangible reason or discussions. I spent months wondering if it was me, if I did something. Combing through messages, statuses, to see if I said something that could have even remotely offended her. But I eventually had to realize that there was something going on in her life. And though I still wish the best for her, and though she unblocked and tried to interact with me on social, I know I've made the right decision for my mental to not engage her. But when you've been sipping poison for so long, it starts to taste like comfort, and that's a hard flavor to ween yourself off of.
Wow that last line hits deep. I'm sorry for what you went through, and while I can't personally relate to that extent, I will say that the last line that you said is actually applicable to so many other things. I feel like my anxious thoughts and paranoia are essentially my comfort food at this point, even though they're so clearly poison. Thanks for sharing, and I'm proud of you for choosing to move on!
good on you for not replying, hopefully she'll take the hint that no matter what is going on you can't just block somebody for no reason you were supposedly on good terms with without consequences. she needs to treat people like people and at least give a reason
I blocked a group of people because of toxic individuals within it. I could've tried to explain all the ways their words and actions hurt, but I doubt he would've seen it as his actions being bad, instead it would've been my emotions being needy and overbearing. At the end of the day it didn't matter who was right, but for me to grow I had to get away from him. There were too many lies and manipulations for me to trust him to be different. Now I'm not saying you are a bad person, just giving my experience. I've only thought about unblocking him to explain my reasoning, but I just feel that it would leas to a fight where there's no resolution. So I decided to out my energy elsewhere. Granted it could all be from my anxiety disorder and avoidant tendencies, but I'm trying to work on that in other areas of my life.
@@joeblowgoes And your reasoning is what I had to assume was also my friend’s reasoning in the end. Because the alternative way of thinking is that she just wanted to hurt me, and I don’t think that mindset helps. If she had to block me for her own benefit, I can live with that, though I was hurt by it. If she had to block me to hurt me, I can also live with that, because that shows she wasn’t the friend I thought she was. In either case, I think we’re both better off with our friendship never being more than a memory.
Reminds me of my first breakup. They dumped me suddenly after dating for 4 months and I didn't feel human for a month. I called them a few awkward times after that and eventually figured out they'd gotten back together with their ex. It was so painful. Took me a couple years to really fully get over it. Every breakup after that was a lot easier. Building your self-esteem and feeling fulfilled and whole on your own is the best thing you can possibly do for yourself. Never chase someone else's validation. Learn how to validate yourself.
Wow, exactly what I needed. My ex keeps yoyoing me and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I thought by being patient with her and continuing to try to communicate my feelings, that eventually she would ‘grow up’, recognize what she’s doing, and stop. I genuinely never thought about it in terms of ‘giving up a benefit’, but that’s so helpful bc I really am addicted to it,
Normal behavior for them. The most immature thing someone can do. Had it happen to me multiple times. The problem is the immature behavior of them actually. It's not you, it's the cruel and cold hearted nature of them - who will spend months with you then drop you at the snap of a finger like nothing ever happened. Instead of talking it over, they resort to blocking as they can't behave like adults. Their (often) horribly immature behavior is the cause of OP's misery. It's too bad we live in a society now where they can behave like this with no negative results and so they do it at their leisure.
@@yolover111 I spoke with someone a year and a half many times daily and she resorted to ghosting me one fine day with zero explanation and my attempts to get an explanation got me blocks. That is the surest way to destroy a man's trust but it is obvious she could not care less about how this negatively effected me either. I was there for her so many times. Never ever thought it would happen w/ her of all people but yet here we are. Thanks to her I can now live with trust issues. Thanks Jen.
And what if they themselves invalidate your feelings, call you immature instead of understanding you, blame you instead of apologizing, say they value you but their action say otherwise, multiple times even after you communicate about it. Then you have no option but to block such people. They are not worth your explanation
This was really difficult to hear but I needed it. It's tough to hold someone else accountable, when you've spent so much time and energy beating yourself up and making excuses for them.
Its interesting people say this every video because it always feels like "Its just me, everyone else seems to be ok". These videos exist since so many people go through these issues every day. Sometimes realising that can sometimes feel worse since it challenges our stories that we tell ourselves, but its healthier in the long run.
The timing of this vid is just too good. Met a guy that became by far my best friend, I was the happiest I could ever be. One day some things went wrong and he completely ghosted me (felt even worse than blocking). 3 months later he messages me asking if I wanna be friends again. I had this frank conversation where I told him how much he hurt me but after a while gave him the benefit of the doubt to try again... Fastforward a few months to today and it mostly didn't work out, things are back to square one except this time I've made it clear that he either needs to change or I'm done. It's extremely hard to accept, so this video couldn't come at a better time.
looking at this situation (and also being in a very similar one myself) I can tell that the person who posted wanted a long-term relationship while the girl that he was spending time with just wanted physical intimacy. She got what she wanted while leaving him confused because she didn't want to deal with the responsibilities of a long-term relationship (hence why she apologised). I think this story teaches a good lesson in that when we meet someone, we should understand what they want and what we want in terms of a relationship. When things are left unclear, you become confused when the other person does something that you don't expect. If someone says they want a platonic relationship, you have to accept that and ask yourself if that's what you want or not. A person's words should also match their actions so if they say want something but their actions prove different, don't fall into them and remind them of what they said they wanted.
Yes!! If they tell you they are not looking for a relationship, believe them!! You will not change their minds and you will end up hurt if you desire more than they are willing to give!
In my experience, there has been the rising trend of people having selfish traits of bein’ nice and friendly and talking a lot for years on end, then ghosting you and blocking you without explanation out of the blue, leaving you like stranded all of a sudden. With that opportunity to communicate at whatever time, wherever, all with the power of the device on your person, all that comes with a great fall just waiting to happen. Then as a result of that, the person who’s been dropped can become defensive and cynical of other people, or perhaps keep a distance from others so not to do the same thing again. Sometimes the person while strive to fill that gap with other people, comparing others to some previous idea of a person. It’s a really shitty place to be, and only once you stop mentally holding on to that idea of a person can you start to heal and move on better. Then if you do talk to that person again, you should see them as a new person with different outlook on them. Not the idea, but some new entity that you should treat like an old acquaintance.
Just popping in to remind everyone that you can have a dignified and loving relationship with someone who treats you respectfully! I’ve had to cut off toxic friendships that aren’t good for me, and I still carry that trauma, but I’ve found that making those decisions and building that foundation of self respect actually helps in other relationships. Setting boundaries is easier when you have the fortitude to know you can enforce them, and that makes all of your relationships healthier and happier!
I ended a seven year relationship two days ago, and stumbling on this video just basically explained why. Watching it gave me the little oomph I needed to be strong today... Never stop helping Dr K
Dude I’ve been dealing with a similar situation. Holding on to every word she said and issuing nostalgia to relive the memories and defending her gave me a false sense of humility that justified my sacrificial idea of “love” that I was unaware of. But as I took control and was really honest how she influenced my happiness and recognized it as addiction, I gained self respect and it took longer than I’d like to admit but eventually I did get freedom and now she doesn’t have power over me. I can say I deserve better and I believe myself. My idea of love has grown and I’m thankful for what I learned from the pain of letting go of external sources of happiness.
when u said u should maintain control of yourself that resonated with me so much, its choosing the path of pain sometimes. that comment relates to so much in life
I needed to hear this. I had feelings and expressions to the experience that be covered but I didn’t have the thorough wording for it, as if I was building it on my own and he showed me the best way. I was pumping my fist when he hit topics or explanations because, not only for my own healing, but for my ability to communicate it to others as well.
Dr. K's a superstar in compassion. I've only recently gotten over basing my happiness on external praise, and Dr. K encouraging us to look at external praise-seeking people with compassion is really fucking interesting/great. Once again the man, the myth, the legend Dr. K helping boost my growth
It's really hard to call abuse "abuse" when the victim is a man, and type of abuse was emotional abuse, because whenever we feel hurt or betrayed or abandoned by someone we cared for- we need to "get some self-respect". One should definitely have self-respect, and not stand to have anyone mistreat them, but it doesn't invalidate our struggles. I really feel for this guy, I was in his same shoes, and one day my energy vampire came calling again, and I told her we were done, and I wasn't giving her the chance to hurt me again.
This is helpful for me considering I have been blocked once or twice with very little to no explanation. I always have to think back and do mental gymnastics wondering if I really did something bad enough to warrant being completely cut off with no explanation. But at the end of the day, blocking without explaining is just the laziest and hurtful thing you can do to someone. It shows that you have no desire to work things through or establish any common ground through communication. Sure, if someone is being completely unapologetic and toxic, I can understand. But if they are really trying to understand what they did wrong, or feel terrible for something they did or something they don't fully understand, I think it is only fair to talk things through and see if the issue really is worth cutting the person off over.
I chose the path of self respect long ago it’s always been my thing I rejected a girl I loved cause she ended up sleeping around and I couldn’t live with that. This sort of pain of losing someone important never goes away. True pain
I feel that. After my ex decided to have an OF, I couldn't look at her the same way. I may be self destructive to myself, but I'm not going to be put in that position and made to feel like the bad guy because I don't want my gf to spread her cheeks online.
Happened to me with someone I cared about. I knew her for two years, dated her a bit and it was great! All of a sudden I was totally blindsided. Out of nowhere I was a horrible monster that might hurt them. I poured through all of our chats to try and see the red flags or to justify her decision. When I tell you there's nothing, I mean it. I wanted to talk to her for a long time to understand why she did what she did. Just to understand, even if she lied to me again. Eventually, I thought of it like this: She lied about so many things and was essentially an actor. Hardly any of it was real, if any at all. However, I loved what I thought was her. Was I a fool? I don't think so, but even still, I loved wholeheartedly. She did not. I am capable of love. I was genuine. In the heat of it all, it's hard to rationalize things and understand yourself. Never lose sight of what you are.
I have met people who do this on purpose. They get off on the sense of control and power they get by crushing someone's emotions. It's like they get you to believe they love you just so they can hurt you later. Pure sadism.
@@iChriselle Indeed. And if you try to warn or tell anyone about they immediately side with the abuser and make excuses for them, making it look like you are the problem for pointing out their bad behavior. "your the one saying negative things so YOUR the narcissist"... you cant win
I think that kind of behavior is always rooted in some kind of deep trauma tho. Like how fucking damaged do you have to go out of your way to make these fleeting deep friend/relationships to intentionally ghost the person. How fucked up do you have to be to find that fulfilling? What happened to that person that that's how they seek out and find love? Quantity over quality. If Wal Mart was a love story lol
@@hollys6299 Check out a guy on youtube called HG Tudor, he is a narcissist who exposes the tactics of other narcissists so he can be the superior narcissist lol. Its some disturbing but enlightening shit
This kinda thing seems to happen to a lot of my friends. They always get a little defensive when I tell them, it’s probably because the other person wasn’t looking for a relationship and you thought they were. The thing is, peoples WORDS need to match their ACTIONS. It hurts to hear, but no, she wasn’t that into you as you thought she was, even if she SAID she is. How do I know this? Because I have been that girl. When I was in my 20s, I didn’t want to hurt peoples feelings so I always made it seem like I was just as into the guy as they were into me. It ended up in a couple of bad heartbreaks on their end. And yeah, I don’t think it means the person is evil or bad, but sometimes we’re just dumb and don’t know how to let someone down without hurting their feelings, and ghosting is easy because we’re not as invested in the person as they are in us. I can’t make my friends listen to me or believe me when I tell them things out of my own personal experience, but I do hope whoever reads this can try and not see everything from rose colored glasses. There is literally no reason why someone’s actions shouldn’t match their words unless they simply didn’t mean it. I’ve never gotten hurt by anyone because I can read the signs instantly, as someone who has done the ghosting. And you have to really protect your own heart. I’m not saying that the other person has to be totally obsessed with you to prove they are into you or want a real relationship with you, but they should at the very least, NOT GHOST YOU. There’s zero excuse for ghosting unless they’re injured , sick, or dead. Don’t fall for the *2 weeks later* “omg i’m so sorry i didn’t msg you i just got really stressed and anxious and busy” nah fam. As someone who has GAD and get extremely introverted, I would never ever just radio silence someone I HAD ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR, for more than a day or two. No matter how busy you get, if you care about someone as much as they care about you, you will think about them enough to keep contact with them.
i listen dr K's videos sometimes, and am tearing up a bit seeing this gentle and caring parent vibe he gives up, like he's trying to address people's inner child. I get a sense that's what he prefers dealing with, maybe gives him more faith in mankind to ignore everything that is around that in an individual.
I've been heartbroken for 8 months now and Easter was a grim reminder of how addicted I was to my past relationship. What hurts is I believe she saw that self-deprecation in me towards the relationship, always sacrificing myself to help her out. She kept going about how she was not worth my efforts (which causes huge mixed signals because I believed a person that's worth me has that level of self-awareness). but nonetheless, in retrospect, she didn't choose me so I gotta respect myself. I took out more than I thought I would in this video and mistakes were made and I finally understand what the first step to self-respect is.
Very similar thing happened to me, and I'm still recovering. I have been working with my therapist to help me cope. I'm very analytical and need to understand everything, and this was my first attempt at a relationship, so not only am I trying to navigate the oddness of it all, but also trying to navigate relationships in general. She mentioned a myriad of things that can lead me to a whole spectrum of conclusions varying from "she just wanted attention" which would make me feel used and that none of it was real, to "she has a disorganized attachment" which makes me feel compassionate towards her and wanting to do as much as I can to help out. Thinking about it all, I'm trying to figure out how I even navigate this. If a similar situation appears, how do I react? I want to help people and care for them, but I also need to protect myself. I understand that some people need more help than others and I want to help, but I dont want my helpfulness abused. Should how much I give be determined by context (such as this person needs help, so I'll give more) or should context be irrelevant and I should only give a certain amount?
I am very analytical as well, I never navigated through love relationships at all, but I had some toxic friends. The key is being verbal. If someone isn't verbal(and a functional adult) about their own needs, interacting witn such person is the key to be abused. Not only that, someone that acts in the way that the needs say. If I say I need cuddling from my partner and my partner cuddles me and I go away, I should be open to explain why. Either on the spot or later. If I don't talk about it, even when prompted, this is the way to built a toxic relationship. Search for people that are verbal, and genuine, in the way I explained and your relationships will never be toxic. Also , be one of those people yourself. If they don't explain it, you are not forced to learn context of your partner or anybody else. You don't need to find excuses for their bad behavior if they themselves didn't.
@@fisicogamer1902 Thank you for your insight! Yeah, throughout interacting with her, she never seemed able to express herself. I would very clearly state what I thought, what I felt, etc. and invited her to do the same, even asking questions and repeating back what I understood, but I had to confront her when my gut told me things were up. She would also say one thing but do another thing. I never got malicious vibes from her, so I decided to be patient and understanding with her. But it still brings me back to the confusion. Her life seems chaotic. Not necessarily because of her own decisions, but her family. Is she unable to express herself because she wasn't taught how to in her childhood? Is she unable to express herself because she doesn't know what she wants? Or is she just getting what she wants with no consideration for others? I just need to learn to allow people to fail. I need to allow people to learn to communicate. If I try to solve everything, they will never be able to solve things themselves, and they will be worse off
@@Lougehrig10 Well, ask her to go to the therapist. I have a brother that has problems too, but he is doing therapy and is getting better. Still a daily struggle. If she refuses to go, she doesn't want help. Even people that struggle to communicate still follow the rules. Saying:"I don't know how I feel or even if I feel anything at all" is still being genuine and verbal. Searching for help professional help is a must in these situations. Just give her the opportunity of failing AFTER she accepts that. You are not her therapist.
Idk who will see this but I thought it'd be nice to add my story after reading some other peoples stories. This same thing happened to me in my first semester of uni, I was depressed for a while after a new friend of mine decided to cut contact, we were close, very close for friends. It was my best friend that pulled me up from that depression, she invited me to parties, sleepovers, trips to Edinburgh to get drunk and she even let me try edibles for the first time, I vented about how i felt and she listened to it all and said a lot of the things in this video. I made a lot of good memories with that best friend, even ended up making other new friends, eventually i forgot about the "new friend" that cut contact. Next semester rolls round and new friend contacts me out of the blue, I agreed to meet up to chat. He apologised and promised to respect my boundaries this time (which he has done), we text and chat between classes but not like we used to, he has a long way to go before i can fully forgive him, he knows that. Best friend has helped me realise that im worthy of love, im making a jumper for her the now as a thank you for being there. I'm happier now, im grateful to have learned this lesson and to have best friend, very much looking forward to the rest of uni! :D Having self respect can feel devastating but its that let go or be dragged situation I feel. That person will live rent free in your head for a while but eventually one day youll wake up and not care much at all. I hope everyone out there has that strength to have boundaries and ensure theyre respected, and to have a friend like best friend. People like her are the real mvps
I haven't watched the video yet but just by seeing the post I can infer that she blocked him because she met another guy, went after him, got dumped immediately and then unblocked this guy because she was now alone and wanted the attention back... this a massive red flag and girls like that (or guys) should be avoided at all cost. Have self-respect by finding in yourself what makes you valuable then find someone who actually acknowledges that value...
Wow, this video couldn't have come out at a better time for me, haha. As a person just coming out of this, there is another way to text a person while still maintaining said control, which I think can be quite freeing. Tell them you want to reconnect, but also end the message saying that you need straight answers and if they respond, they respond, but if they don't within the next day, tell them you will move on with your life.
i relate to this so much.. its been a month for me i dont eat the same, barely get out of bed, ive been suffering so much.. i dont workour anymore ive lost all my weight.. idk i miss him so much… he made me feel so loved and seen and appreciated and valued.. now hes gone.. its so painful.. he didnt wish me hbd or merry christmas.. im afraid he’ll never speak to me again.. and im sad that im even feeling this way but everything between us was so intense.. dr k is right its genuinely is an addiction bc he met my emotional need of comfort and safety, i felt like i could be feminine like he’d take care of me and now its like that safety net or child blanket was pull out from under me and now its just pain and tears.. there is no moving on for me rn,, just mourning what we had.. if he did come back idk how i’d feel.. like dr k said id have to hold him accountable.. idek how i’d go about that?? like why did u leave me.. did you even remember my birthday? did you even think about me or care or feel remorse… just so many questions id have to write them all down to sift through how im feeling.. but stuff like this rly isnt a joke.. when u trust someone enough to let then meet ur emotional needs then they pull it away from u sudden without explanation… genuinely traumatizing and creates trust issues.. it reminds me of my father who just walked out my life as a kid yk, didn’t even say bye to me or explain why he left or what was going on. him and my mom just parted ways without telling us.. super painful everyday i missed my dad and just wanted to see him again, be with him again. my dad made me feel loved and valued, like i could do no wrong in his eyes so… the lack of explanation hurts the most.. cus my brain will come up with a million reasons why and the first ones will be a reflection of my low self esteem… and not having the actual answer to reassure me.. yeah.. ig i just want someone to say i did everything i could, i treated him well, i was understanding and thoughtful and caring.. that it wasnt me,. that i wasnt the reason he left, its cus he has his own issues… just that validation and reassurance of my worth,, to know theres not something wrong w me,. him not reaching out hurts the most.. bc even if we did have rough times he would come back ready to talk.. this time feels different though.. the way he left.. what he said before he left.. it all just hurts so much more
Feeling the same pain right now as the time you wrote this comment. I hope you are feeling better now. Im just starting my journey to healing the hurt and heart break.
I’m thankful that that I saw this video. I have a situation that I’m trying to get through rn. I had these “friends” that I met at a college dining hall. Every week, I asked them if they wanted to eat. They started ghosting me and then I asked them if they are just ignoring me, in which they responded, yes, and then they blocked me. I realize now that I was acting kinda clingy, but I didn’t mean to come off that way. I was just trying to be friendly. Sadly, I couldn’t resolve the conflict, and I’m trying to get over them.
Thank you for releasing this video at a bloody good time. To be dignified is to choose the path of pain. That's some strong stuff right there. Many thanks Dr. K
It's much too late for me, messaged her many times, some of the content of which was absolving her of the guilt she was rightfully experiencing for the way she left me. It is what it is, and I've already resolved to not fight for someone's emotional wellness while they've made how available they are clear to me, ever again. Dignity is pain as he said, I would've been going through this pain regardless, I should've chose the higher of two paths. Oh well 🙁
I have learned through life that we often put up with bad behaviour in order to get wanted supply and/or so that we don’t have to improve our own game. A hard one to swallow at first but necessary if we want to avoid transactional relationships that only let us down ultimately.
similar situation with me happened last summer. Was seeing this girl and thinks moved pretty fast and thought it was turning into a relationship. She told me she loved me etc etc. We had some arguments near the end of things then she said she needed her space. Like 3 weeks later she started dating another dude. I was hurt bad. I know I wasn't perfect in what ever we were but I was willing to work through it and wanted to but she didn't. We are still friends but what fucked me up is about 2 months ago she told me she is having a hard time choosing over her current boyfriend or me..... That is just really fucked up. Watching this video has helped on how I can approach her going forward.
I'm 15 minutes in and I feel like I might be misunderstanding something, feel free to point it out if I am, but what I'm thinking is: there's an, in my opinion, important line to this topic I'm not hearing drawn here. The thing about not letting others dictate how you feel makes sense in this case, but I think there's a lot of cases where the other person is going to have an impact on how you feel and it's not abusive... Heck I feel like that's just what having a relationship with another human is. The problem isn't the fact that they're impacting you in itself, but the extend in which they are. That's where the self respect comes in, it's where you draw the line between it being an acceptable or normal amount of influence and it making you their dog that is willing to forgive any bad treatment they serve you...
Great video! I think most "simps" need to hear this advice the most. One of my best mates used to think exactly this way by a girl he was overinflating the importance she had in his life. This girl took advantage of him left and right and only talked to him when she ran out of guys that gave her attention and saw him as a back up. As soon as she saw a potential mate...she ghosted him. Failure after failure...he finally realized that he shouldn't be treated that way by someone who truly loves him. So he finally decided to just move on from her and never speak to her again. The way I found genuine self-respect (at least relationship-wise)...was the exact same way he did. When you're constantly taken for granted...the deprivation you experience from the lack of your needs being met eventually wears you down completely. Only when you reach a breaking/boiling point is when you seriously take a hard look at yourself. At least that's been my experience lol. Thnaks for sharing!
This topic reminds me of my couple experiences about forcing myself giving up relationships. I really don't like acting tough or acting like I don't care about them, but they just gave me no choices to do it. Sometimes I just feel like some people keep changing my thoughts on treating others in a negative way.
Thank you for making this vid Dr. K After watching this vid, I was back to my first year at college, 12 years ago. I made a friend, let's call her Ca, and we were inseperatable. I knew she had a lot of serious home life issues and that she was a serious student by day and a streetfighter by night. She also was an incredible kind, patient and lovely person and I felt like she understood me like nobody else. Long story short, she converted to a moslima which was a well thought out choice, started dating a guy in Turkey which was less well thought out. It started online, then she met him over the summer holiday for about 6 weeks. It was me who gave her an alibi to visit him during summer. I was excited to hear about how her holiday was on the first day of the second year. And she wasnt there. It turned out that: 1) she quit college 2) she went back to Turkey after complete (and probably violent) escalations with her parents 3) she married him It felt like my heart was torn apart and that I lost half my soul that day. She would sometimes send me E-mails. She sometimes went back to the Netherlands and visit. She would sometimes initate contact. Always with a porpose though. Whenever she was in deep shit, she would (only then) contact me and she never asked on how I was _really_ doing. At some point I told her this and told her that I didnt want to talk to her anymore. That she burned so many bridges and that was being careless. And after 12 years, I now understand why I feel so torn up about it. It wasnt ok how she left. She could have written a letter, explaining the situation. I wouldnt have liked it, but I would have atleast could have started to understand it. Or at the very least have arguments for not having to blame myself for her behavior. She's doing fine now btw. She divorced her husband, she went back to the Netherlands, got herself a nice BF with a cute house, a garden and the like. I believe she did a lot of work on herself as well. I would like to call her and tell her how I feel. Maybe there is something to save in our relationship.
Thank you Dr. K for validating that it is totally normal to be upset when someone you have a close relationship suddenly ghosts you with no explanation. People are constantly trying to justify this with "I have anxiety, I have ADHD, I overthink sending the text because it's been too long already..." Respectfully, I can't have emotional terrorists like this in my life anymore. Either work on your issues or stop tormenting me by popping in and out of my life whenever it's convenient for you. And for anyone who's about to comment "have some self respect," I do now, but for a long time I didn't, and I had to learn these lessons the hard way, so I appreciate this shortcut from Dr. K. I really hope it helps a lot of people.
I also have ADHD and I think it's much more painful for us than the average person. Glad to hear you made it through! I'm also trying to push through, it's hard but it's worth it. Embracing the uncomfortable and growing rather than being comfortable and suffering.
I just love you. You make me chuckle in spite of myself and it's great. It's a whole different way of looking at yourself when you find yourself making an ass out of yourself.
I had to officially end the friendship with my ‘best friend’ of 13ish years early last year. She was moving further and further away since college. I was putting in the effort to video chat at least every other month. I admit I was bad at texting, but she was too. She never suggested to video chat though, only me, and I hinted one time that she could also suggest it. She didn’t. So early last year, I just stopped texting her ever, or suggesting to video chat. She contacted me once briefly to ask if I got the vaccine, but that was it. It was kind of weird she did that and nothing else, really. Since then, I got pregnant mid last year, and now I have a baby, and not telling my once best friend was so sad. I rem,beer talking about our future kids being friends when we were in college. I’m still sad and dream about her. I have a few other friends, but I really need to make a local mom friend now. But I feel like people are so bad at connecting now a days. Through my life I was always the friend to hold things together to some degree, pretty much. It sucks.
Very helpful. Thank you! I am currently trying to get myself in a healthier state of mind by not reaching out to someone who is not reaching out to me. I had to delete their contact info. In order for me not to obsess with checking to see if they reached out. Im at the point that I need to reject toxic behaviors from others and people that are not on the same page as me. Even in friendships it works both ways. I choose to respect myself and value my time. This video came at the right time!
Same! I have been obsessing over someone for quite some time now (couple years) but I realize when I knew her it wasn’t a real friendship or connection in the first place, and I’m currently obsessing over her to meet other unfilled needs in my life, such as need for friendship and connection and social life, since I’m usually isolated and lonely these past few years. The “who controls the happiness in your life” phrase made me realize I shouldn’t let someone who doesn’t care about me in the way I want control my life…
Probably the best thing I needed to hear today. I've been bouncing back and forth from being a people pleaser and a selfish airhead, and I could never get it right as to how to present myself, let alone if I was right to cut off so many people in my life. Relationship or just friendship, I think this does a really good job at defining the importance of dignity and control, and how the two pair together. Thanks HG.
Recently out of a relationship/situationship that was “addicted” to. I was in love, and yes I was definitely clingy, I recognized it, and apologized for it. Ghosted. I just wanted to tell her all about the stories and things that happened and were burning a hole in my pocket. But I guess time to move on.
This videos are effective because it teaches people who don’t already understand the solution. The biggest flaw with how most people who are, in theory, more emotionally mature is they say things people “in the know” resonate with and see easily. Essentially, you can say “have some self respect” and everyone who’s clear is like “Amen!” And instantly recognizes and affirms the preacher. But the person who doesn’t know is just a lost, and now has added anxiety about this concept that everyone seems to understand so clearly but they are missing and are made to feel even more stupid. People, teach personal stuff like Dr. K - knowing exactly what it is that the other person doesn’t know and start building from there.
You call her out for her actions, she tries to gaslight you into thinking you're overreacting about "things that don't matter"....it's an endless vicious cycle nowadays
ayyy shoutout to the editor, the slowest part of Dr K videos are the beginning while I feel out whether I want to keep watching for half an hour. Soundtrack+clips really help.
I got addicted to something for a while and have been working to break away from a unhealthy situation. So, I have been doing certain things to keep in the right frame of mind. One is to keep a journal. In it I set challenges to be a better person and to remind myself not to fall back into old habits along with words of wisdom etc. It helps a lot.
Thank you - Needed to hear this as going through a painful breakup now (ghosted for a month ago). I've already lost enough self respect by letting this person into my life a second time to hurt me again thinking they were different. It was better to leave them in the past as they should have stayed the first time round. I choose the path of pain to heal.
Self-respect, giving up that dopamine rush for a more painful experience but saving my valuable time in exchange. Then here I am reading comments lol. I am seriously addicted to the internet and need help.
I think people see situations like this and think that the choice this person has to make exists in the same social context that they have going on, and that isn't guaranteed. Some people had parents who loved & respected them, some people didn't. Some people have close friendships where they feel seen and appreciated in a way they can count on, and some people don't. Some people have full, healthy self concepts that don't entirely rely on the positive feedback of other people, and some people don't. So when you simplistically tell someone, "Just have some self-respect! 😃" You assume that A) that person has effectively had self-respect modeled for them and they know what that looks like in every scenario, and B) it's going to cost that person the same emotional stakes that it would cost you to demonstrate self-respect. Neither of those are guarantees.
I've gone through almost the same thing except in a shorter time frame. It is definitely best to just forget her and move on. I made a similar mistake to this guy and reached out after she did that to me and we kind of reconnected. However, the communication was always when SHE felt like it and the whole relationship just became more and more one-sided. Finally, after she ignored me for close to 3 weeks, I finally grew some balls and blocked her. Unfortunately this was only a month ago, so it's all still kind of raw to me. However, I know now that nothing good will come of me reaching out to her and if she reaches out to me, I won't engage. I'm continuing to work on being more secure so that I don't continue attracting people like this, and thankfully I've improved my personality quite a bit from working on myself
Breakups can be a blessing in disguise! It's not always meant for makeup, but rather it ends in order for you to wake up! So instead of trying to fix something that is broken, start over to create something that you will attract better. 💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
I am working on healing from childhood emotional abuse, and my self-respect has always been pretty low. I would let people walk all over me and treat me like garbage for years because I thought I deserved it. But since I've begun healing my self respect has gotten better. I won't let people treat me like that again. I'm choosing people and things that are good for me. I definitely needed this video. Thank you!
I was that person 3 years ago. She was my dream. Then it suddenly broke up. 1 month of depression. For the first time I had real insomnia. Almost immediately I got into a rush. Wanted a girl extremely hard. Anyone. Took me 6 month to recover. I'm glad that I continued to strive for the best. Now, 3 years later, my life is wonderful. Back then I really thought that it was the end. I thought my dream had evaporated. Now I understand - it was just another lesson to become a real human being. And I'm happy! So you will too
I needed to hear this advise so badly today I cannot describe it. I've been dealing with months of trying to be a friend with my ex-fiance who cheated on me months before our planned marriage and struggling with both figuring out what caused things to go so far south as well as learning to accept how on earth this person still wants me around for her own needs and how I succumb to them time and time again just hoping for things to go back to how they were less than a year ago. It is incredibly hard, even after hearing this video, to really feel like I want to let her go and not try to keep myself in an abusive, post-breakup, post-infidelity relationship with someone who has and continues to abuse me as a friend. It is so so difficult to break this addiction.
Stay strong friend. Recognize that the path of pain is simply the path of freedom. There’s no need to continue to sip from the toxic pool of that relationship. It may taste sweet, and comforting, but it poisons you, and you’re aware of that. So choose to be free from that artificial sweetness of comfort. And you will be able to go forth and find another pool to drink from; one filled with purity and love. Best of luck to you, and a reminder, to stay strong.
Also got ghosted for no reason and was left without an explanation. It's just a horrible thing to experience. But that's the best advice I've gotten so far
I also blocked a 7 year only friend today. I said a quick goodbye and told them to take care of them-self because I didn't really want to go through the cycle again (because I did leave them once before) and be sad/upset again later down the line. I didn't really want to burden them with changes to themself for me and just let them live how they wanted. I had a realization that they might not even think of me as important or even like me for who I really am and just using me as entertainment/boredom because they ditch me for other friends in the middle of a hang out or they just get way too sexual out of no where. These could even just be me overthinking but those are things they did that made me sad.
Ive done this. I wasnt aware what inwas doing to her when i kept pushing her away. I didnt understand myself and was in a really bad place in my life physically and mentally. I know i dont deserve forgiveness for the emotional turmoil i put her through. I dont wish that emotional insecurity upon anyone. I cant imagine what i put her through and the her strength to decide she had enough. I still hope to grow better from that experience but i know full well what i lost because of my actions
Your dreams are your dreams. Your values are yours and they may not align with the general consensus. But whatever lines you draw for yourself don't cross them. Whether or not it's interior or exterior shouldn't matter. All that being said, when it comes to relationships there are billions of people out there.
Im in a really similar situation as this rn, friend i was close to ghosted me for a long time, and when i tried to talk to them again, they blocked me without giving reason This video really helped with really understanding what i should do moving forward, thank you
A year late but I’m so glad I’m not alone reading these comments. I feel like the memory of this person has been eating my heart every moment i get a spare thought and I genuinely feel like I am supposed to have died or something because at times no matter how conscious I am of it the thoughts won’t stop. I love you all so much and I’m sorry about the messed up world we live in that we all find it so hard to look into each others eyes ❤️
For once in my life i was in the same situation ,where someone treated me badly and the best moment in my life is when i told them i can't be with someone that treat me like this. It was painful but i still feel powerful and satisfied everytime i remember it.
Oooooff this also relates to family. I tried to talk to my uncle that I care about very much about him only seeing one side of the story for the relationship between my mom and I. He does not want to listen regarding the fact that my mother abused me and mistreated me for a long time physically and emotionally for years. He doesnt want to hear it; he doesnt want to hear my side of the story. I had enough. There was no respect and an inability to listen. It was painful but I had to cut him out. That was the only older adult in my family that I felt I could talk too...well not anymore.
Broke off a toxic symbiotic friendship last year. We were "best friends" just because we've known each other since we were kids. There wasn't any strong emotional feelings involved anymore. We only had each other all these years and both thought it was actually a genuine relationship. She ghosted me. We were used to not talking for weeks but this time I got blocked, everywhere. And no I didn't do anything worth that. We didn't talk for a month, and honestly I had a shit time but it made me reflect on this relationship. Month later she called on my birthday and apologized and said she wanted to talk. I just told her "okay, but I'm not free rn" and ended the call, mostly because I didn't want to ruin my happy day by opening the emotional can of worms and I wasn't ready. Later I called her when I felt ready, and told her everything I had thought over about us in that one month. How the relationship basically was turning parasitic, because of her just wanting an emotional outlet and me never expressing to her what I wanted or felt like in the relationship, basically feeding her unknowingly, making the exchange largely one sided. She accepted all that and agreed with everything. I told her about what I think are my fuck ups and asked what she thinks I could've done better. I ended the call feeling way better and we agreed to talk sometimes and maybe be even be friends again when we have both matured but for now I'm happy with boundary that we have.
Should you do the same if you mistreated someone not with malignent intention but due to several psychological problems which of course dont justify my actions, but Im immensly regretting everything I ever said, while this person showed me multiple times with lot of patience that she likes me a lot... Im so devasted and I hate myself. I of course had time to think about why I behaved like I did and it surely was an unhealthy obsession with how this person made me feel. you could actually say it physically actually felt like being on very addicting drugs. But I for the first time opened up to other people close to me and I bursted out crying, cause of all the emotions that build up over the years and it helped me understand me and my behavior a lot more. I never had the chance to explain anything and the thought of never having the chance to talk to her again is absolutely devastating....
"The whole point is self-deprivation. The whole point is 'I want this thing and I'm not going to have it'. The whole point is that I choose what I do. And I'm not going to let the temptation of an external substance [...] dictate my life."
dont let ppl flip flop. they are either with you or they're not. do not hold onto the past; if they leave NEVER let them back in no matter the reason. if they're an ex, they're an ex for a reason.
Having Principles towards making yourself happy by being a humble caring person and standing your ground is more important then trying to chase something temporary in someone else. If you aren't happy with yourself, then work on yourself. help other people, see what can be improved and Never stop learning about being just a better person. Pain. Is. Necessary. For people to grow. Stop running away.
my boyfriend doesn't have self respect and that also put me in difficult situations. he was very impulsive. explosive in his emotions, one second he was having meltdowns, pessimistic thoughts to suicidal thoughts then the next he's harassing me and placing me in situations that would've damaged both of his and my reputation. he was very selfish when he was upset about what i did wrong and wouldn't let go of it for weeks but when i tell him something about what made me upset, he would not listen or dismiss it, or he'd listen but he would shrug it off the next day. he was very sweet and affectionate but thoughtless and inconsiderate when it comes to consent and boundaries. he liked pushing me to my limits and exceeding. i always felt unheard, unseen, unsafe and used. he doesn't let me have space, he gets anxious when i ask for it, making me feel suffocated. he isolated me from any potential friends i could make, and he'd guilt me for choosing other people, family, friends over him. i'd feel really alone at the end of the day. all of these caused me so much agony. at first it wasn't obvious to me, but over time, i realized how fast he moved, erratic he was and how chaotic everything felt whenever he was around. whenever i'd bring up upsetting things that i felt with what he did, i'd always feel invalidated or dismissed... he gets either defensive or dismissive, only focusing on positive things that he and i had before. at first i actually did love him, i cared about him a lot, stayed with him even through his darkest moments. especially in the times that he and i were being abused in our respective homes by family members. him, his mom berating him, verbally abusing him, manipulating him, emotionally, mentally and physically abusing him and even s*xually being inappropriate with him at times. his mom even crossing as far as berating me as well and commenting inappropriately at me. while with my side, it's a whole lot of neglect, emotional abuse, gaslighting, and a whole lot of fighting, and lack of respect. i never felt safe. standing beside him always felt stressful. all of this lead me to this push and pull motion in myself, that i want to stay and i want to run as far as i can to be safe from all of this and him. this caused a whole lot of pain in both of us. there were times that we'd talk fine one day and then the next i'd be silent and ghosting him and he'd be panicking over it while i'm on the other side feeling invalidated with what happened between him and me and i'd still feel unsafe. i feel guilt, i feel sad over all of this, i cry, it is torture. but at the end of the day he and i couldn't see eye to eye, he couldn't see what i needed and i couldn't be what he needed. i came to this video thinking he was the only one that lacked self respect. but turns out it was both of us. not only had i been stepped on repeatedly, feeling dragged through the mud for a long time, but i feel so unhappy. his difference from me is that i don't place my happiness on him, i understand how much pressure it would give a person to be made their only source of happiness. he on the other hand tries all the time to make me his only option. and he expects me to do the same... it's so draining. so suffocating. and i never wanted to develop this push and pull away behavior but in my situation with him, i couldn't talk to him properly like how i wanted to, he wouldn't listen. it's... devastating.
"To live with dignity is oftentimes to choose things that are painful"
this is what I really needed to hear today
That one hit hard
To add: that is freedom.
Same, bro. Recently spent so much time thinking about her and was super close to texting her. But fuck it, I choose pain. I choose my life.
Read your bible! (KJV, preferably) ❤️🎉
@@abel6298KJV is rather inaccurate compared to newer translations such as NIV, it just sounds "fancier" because it uses archaic language.
I really appreciate you covering my post Dr.K. I was hoping for this to happen.
If someone is interested, nothing has changed between us; still radio silence.
To give you guys a little update, I sent her one more message. However, it was a goodbye one; no rambling, no trying to win her over again, no begging. Just said how I feel about all this and wished her a happy life, so I think I'm going in a good direction
Update (25th of April) : Just 20 minutes ago gathered my balls to block her and delete the number.
I'm proud of you.
@@Soliistru thx dad
Nice. Good things will come if you work hard, keep it up
That's an excellent way to go.
I'm going out on a limb here, but I figured this might be applicable to your situation. Your post said you'd been in this friendship for a year, but the moment things became sexual, she cut you off. I'm an asexual woman with some trauma around harassment and attempted sexual assault. Your description of her made me wonder if she might be another asexual person who is unaware of her orientation and possible trauma/triggers. I know of asexual people who've worried that they would lose their relationships if they didn't make them sexual... and then triggered themselves (a lot of asexual people have experience in being pressured or forced).
Of course, this in no way makes what she did fair. That was brutal, and I am so sorry you've had this incredibly painful experience.
I felt I should say this in case it my perspective is applicable and could give you peace.
I’ve been there my guy. It hurts but you’ve set yourself on a good path
"People who seek pleasure don't live dignified lives"
Pure gold, right there!
Such a true statement. I learnt this from personal experience.
"Don't blame yourself if you let people mistreat you, because there's gonna be a damn good reason". That's what I needed. I feel more understood.
What does this mean
@@itsAuffy that it is ok that it happened, you just cared too much about that person at that time and tried to rationalize their bad behaviour towards you and may have come up with excuses yourself.
It sounds like this girl may have been seeing someone else over that 5 months and recently had a break up
“So it’ll hurt, accept it.” Love this.
We are trying to avoid pain but in hoth options whether we choose to stay or let it sink we experience pain. So might as well experience pain but with keeping dignity than experiencing pain and also be a doormat and lose self respect
The fact that so many videos come at the right moment for me.. when I need this or that topic the most, is flat out unbelievable..
Hahaha so true. Just in the right moment
Best of luck to you, I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone. I came out OK, but it took multiple years and some therapy and some good relationships. You’ve got this.
This would've been nice half a year ago. Girlfriend told me she never really loved me like that and then moved away
@@iPsychlops thanks :) yeah propbably I will have a similar journey. I got a good therapist and the roots for all these problems seem to be very deep.
cheers!
Lmao I could’ve used this video LAST week 💀💀oh well
“Self respect is actually choosing pain” gave me chills, never thought of it that way. “suffering builds character” has always resonated with me and wording it in the way that you did was very mind opening.
lol then I self respect myself too much cuz all my relationships have only been pain
@@alf3071yeah maybe u need to do an introspection, because maybe you DO have too much self respect (aka too much pride)
I learned this lesson the hard way unfortunately. I won't go into all the details, but I had a very close friend who I once would speak to every day for about two years. I expected life and work to get in the way, so at first I wasn't too terribly upset when our messages became more infrequent. It would have been selfish of me to insist they had to keep in constant contact with me. But after a few months, I realised that I was the one who was always saying initiating contact and felt as though I was getting very little effort in return. Of course, it's not always an even 50/50, but at that point it had been a 90/10 for a long time.
So I stopped messaging first. Which was difficult to do because I'd gotten into the habit of doing it so often. A week passed, then two. Then a month. Then three. Then six. They hadn't even thought to send me a "how are you?" or a meme. People drift apart, I guess, and it's better to accept that than to try and cling to the past if one of you no longer wants it in the present.
Still, my heart goes out to anybody who is/was in a similar situation. Letting go is very hard, and it can feel like giving up a part of yourself in friendships and relationships that we're so deeply emotionally invested in. But I promise in the end, it will be for the better.
Same, I only knew this person for a matter of like maybe 2 years or so but we were so tight while it lasted. It didn't end as smoothly as I would have liked, having ignored some of their toxic traits it wasn't going to end well since I knew too much. I confronted them to try and see if there was any solution but it all came down to me just finding my own space outside of theirs. I made peace with it and decided to disassociate from them and their friend group. I'm still kind of traumatized as a result and have an even tougher time finding people who actually care but that's life in a nutshell. Only thing we can do is be better and do better.
It's so hard to come to terms with realizing you don't matter to a person nearly as much as they do to you
Going through this right now, glad I saw this comment. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thats my whole life. If I don't initiate nobody talks to me, but I'm used to it. If the same problem happen to me each time then I am the problem but I don't know what is the problem with me. Whenever I hear people say they get texted everyday it feels alien, like, how?
@@ununun9995 The people that get texted frequently might have something that others want. For example, if you're a rich high status person (e.g. celebrities, etc.), I can imagine they have a bunch of people contacting them all the time. I personally wouldn't like that because it'll feel like people are just using me whenever they want to hang out with me.
I had a situation where I was treated like a pet by a friend and didn't realize it for a while. But then one day it sort of clicked and created this chain reaction of me realizing sooo many people in my life that treated me similarly were the reason I thought such awful things about myself (low self worth my entire life), called those people out and then cut contact with them completely. The realization that you're not actually worthless and it was just someone else's insecurities being projected onto you is an amazing feeling.
Sorry you went through that, it sounds painful. Can you ellaborate on what it means to be treated like a pet? I'm curious
@@michemicalromance i want to know too. I'm only guessing here but maybe the feeling of being "used" only when it's convenient and never out of genuine interest for the other person?
dude i treat my pets really well btter than i treat human beings i wish i could treat u as a pet
What does getting treated like a pet look like?
@Jorp yes actually 😂
I was just about to text somebody, this video came at the right moment. Dr. K is watching...
nice dp
Exactly the same, I was obsessing over this the past 3 days
Respect, do what’s best for you 👍
at least you can think more accurately about it and then decide for yourself if you still wanna/have to text this person
Yes I now decided to let it go, rn she is literally at the other end of the globe on travelling/finding herself. She was my first gf in high school and then she texted me 8 years later. Had a great date, but that is almost a year ago now. She will return to Holland in about 2 months. And we planned another date when she returns. But the last time we had contact was about 3 months ago now. But now I'm fearful that she meets other guys there stuff like that. These obsessed feeling for this girl started when i met someone new myself, this girl really likes me but I can't really let her in or something. Because i have made these romantic fantasies about ending up with my first gf again.
I was just about to text my mom that I hope she’s having a good day. Thankful I saw this video 🙏🏼
Lmao
True Chad move
@@andyprasetyo9117 not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. We don't know the original commenter's story. Chances are, they're better off not contacting their mom which is why the made the comment.
@@rue6914 ok Sherlock
@@ChadKirk EverydayAndy asked
There are people in this world who are, deep down, pieces of shit who will drop you and abandon you for no justifiable reason. I relate to this guy because I experienced something similar with someone I met in high school. No matter what, don’t chase that person. No matter what, don’t let them back in. Don’t give them another chance. Keep them at arms length AT MOST if they’ve truly become an acceptable human being. They don’t deserve you after abusing you like that.
Exactly. Disposing of someone that cares about you like that just speaks volumes on who you are as a person. It’s something selfish, shitty people do who take you for granted
That person might not be a piece of shit. That person might be a genuine person going through shit. Still, that changes nothing. It is wrong to reach judgment saying that they are a piece of shit, but still, even if it is Jesus Christ himself descending to world and ghosting you on whatsapp, you gotta say, sorry Jesus, I know you are a good person but you are treating ke like shit, so, goodbye forever
Never make someone a highlight of your life, if they won't make you a footnote in theirs. A lesson learned the hard way on multiple occasions V__V
I like this line, so true
Advice to live by right here
Had this happen in August 2020. Absolutely brutal. Still never explained, but I found out she was seeing someone else. Best part is I had had a sinus surgery the day prior and she knew that. Crying under those circumstances hurt in several different ways
Been there myself brother.... July 2022 ,she got a new boyfriend and told me not to contact her anymore...One whole year has passed, still feels like it was yesterday.. my life competely went off the rails as I watched helplessly... In process of making a comeback. Stay Strong brother 👍
For what it’s worth a woman that awful is bound to mess up all her relationships. You dodged a bullet, her life is doomed.
I had to learn this for myself not too long ago. Had a close friend I had known since 2014 that met a lot of emotional needs and shared a lot of common interests and values. But she blocked me everywhere one day, without any tangible reason or discussions. I spent months wondering if it was me, if I did something. Combing through messages, statuses, to see if I said something that could have even remotely offended her. But I eventually had to realize that there was something going on in her life. And though I still wish the best for her, and though she unblocked and tried to interact with me on social, I know I've made the right decision for my mental to not engage her. But when you've been sipping poison for so long, it starts to taste like comfort, and that's a hard flavor to ween yourself off of.
Wow that last line hits deep. I'm sorry for what you went through, and while I can't personally relate to that extent, I will say that the last line that you said is actually applicable to so many other things. I feel like my anxious thoughts and paranoia are essentially my comfort food at this point, even though they're so clearly poison. Thanks for sharing, and I'm proud of you for choosing to move on!
Respect
good on you for not replying, hopefully she'll take the hint that no matter what is going on you can't just block somebody for no reason you were supposedly on good terms with without consequences. she needs to treat people like people and at least give a reason
I blocked a group of people because of toxic individuals within it. I could've tried to explain all the ways their words and actions hurt, but I doubt he would've seen it as his actions being bad, instead it would've been my emotions being needy and overbearing. At the end of the day it didn't matter who was right, but for me to grow I had to get away from him. There were too many lies and manipulations for me to trust him to be different.
Now I'm not saying you are a bad person, just giving my experience. I've only thought about unblocking him to explain my reasoning, but I just feel that it would leas to a fight where there's no resolution. So I decided to out my energy elsewhere.
Granted it could all be from my anxiety disorder and avoidant tendencies, but I'm trying to work on that in other areas of my life.
@@joeblowgoes And your reasoning is what I had to assume was also my friend’s reasoning in the end. Because the alternative way of thinking is that she just wanted to hurt me, and I don’t think that mindset helps. If she had to block me for her own benefit, I can live with that, though I was hurt by it. If she had to block me to hurt me, I can also live with that, because that shows she wasn’t the friend I thought she was. In either case, I think we’re both better off with our friendship never being more than a memory.
Reminds me of my first breakup. They dumped me suddenly after dating for 4 months and I didn't feel human for a month. I called them a few awkward times after that and eventually figured out they'd gotten back together with their ex. It was so painful. Took me a couple years to really fully get over it. Every breakup after that was a lot easier. Building your self-esteem and feeling fulfilled and whole on your own is the best thing you can possibly do for yourself. Never chase someone else's validation. Learn how to validate yourself.
Yes❤ thank you
How did you get over I am suffering the same
Wow, exactly what I needed. My ex keeps yoyoing me and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I thought by being patient with her and continuing to try to communicate my feelings, that eventually she would ‘grow up’, recognize what she’s doing, and stop. I genuinely never thought about it in terms of ‘giving up a benefit’, but that’s so helpful bc I really am addicted to it,
Normal behavior for them. The most immature thing someone can do. Had it happen to me multiple times. The problem is the immature behavior of them actually. It's not you, it's the cruel and cold hearted nature of them - who will spend months with you then drop you at the snap of a finger like nothing ever happened. Instead of talking it over, they resort to blocking as they can't behave like adults. Their (often) horribly immature behavior is the cause of OP's misery. It's too bad we live in a society now where they can behave like this with no negative results and so they do it at their leisure.
Hit the nail on the damn head, immature is the word.
@@yolover111 I spoke with someone a year and a half many times daily and she resorted to ghosting me one fine day with zero explanation and my attempts to get an explanation got me blocks. That is the surest way to destroy a man's trust but it is obvious she could not care less about how this negatively effected me either. I was there for her so many times. Never ever thought it would happen w/ her of all people but yet here we are. Thanks to her I can now live with trust issues. Thanks Jen.
Who is "they"
And what if they themselves invalidate your feelings, call you immature instead of understanding you, blame you instead of apologizing, say they value you but their action say otherwise, multiple times even after you communicate about it. Then you have no option but to block such people. They are not worth your explanation
This was really difficult to hear but I needed it. It's tough to hold someone else accountable, when you've spent so much time and energy beating yourself up and making excuses for them.
this channel calls me out like every upload
Same
Same
How
Same
Its interesting people say this every video because it always feels like "Its just me, everyone else seems to be ok". These videos exist since so many people go through these issues every day. Sometimes realising that can sometimes feel worse since it challenges our stories that we tell ourselves, but its healthier in the long run.
The timing of this vid is just too good.
Met a guy that became by far my best friend, I was the happiest I could ever be. One day some things went wrong and he completely ghosted me (felt even worse than blocking). 3 months later he messages me asking if I wanna be friends again. I had this frank conversation where I told him how much he hurt me but after a while gave him the benefit of the doubt to try again...
Fastforward a few months to today and it mostly didn't work out, things are back to square one except this time I've made it clear that he either needs to change or I'm done.
It's extremely hard to accept, so this video couldn't come at a better time.
looking at this situation (and also being in a very similar one myself) I can tell that the person who posted wanted a long-term relationship while the girl that he was spending time with just wanted physical intimacy. She got what she wanted while leaving him confused because she didn't want to deal with the responsibilities of a long-term relationship (hence why she apologised). I think this story teaches a good lesson in that when we meet someone, we should understand what they want and what we want in terms of a relationship. When things are left unclear, you become confused when the other person does something that you don't expect. If someone says they want a platonic relationship, you have to accept that and ask yourself if that's what you want or not. A person's words should also match their actions so if they say want something but their actions prove different, don't fall into them and remind them of what they said they wanted.
Omg this comment is gold. Like really🤌🏻
Absolutely nailed it. I wish I heard this 10 years ago
she apologized? where?
Yes!! If they tell you they are not looking for a relationship, believe them!! You will not change their minds and you will end up hurt if you desire more than they are willing to give!
In my experience, there has been the rising trend of people having selfish traits of bein’ nice and friendly and talking a lot for years on end, then ghosting you and blocking you without explanation out of the blue, leaving you like stranded all of a sudden.
With that opportunity to communicate at whatever time, wherever, all with the power of the device on your person, all that comes with a great fall just waiting to happen.
Then as a result of that, the person who’s been dropped can become defensive and cynical of other people, or perhaps keep a distance from others so not to do the same thing again. Sometimes the person while strive to fill that gap with other people, comparing others to some previous idea of a person. It’s a really shitty place to be, and only once you stop mentally holding on to that idea of a person can you start to heal and move on better.
Then if you do talk to that person again, you should see them as a new person with different outlook on them. Not the idea, but some new entity that you should treat like an old acquaintance.
Just popping in to remind everyone that you can have a dignified and loving relationship with someone who treats you respectfully! I’ve had to cut off toxic friendships that aren’t good for me, and I still carry that trauma, but I’ve found that making those decisions and building that foundation of self respect actually helps in other relationships. Setting boundaries is easier when you have the fortitude to know you can enforce them, and that makes all of your relationships healthier and happier!
I ended a seven year relationship two days ago, and stumbling on this video just basically explained why. Watching it gave me the little oomph I needed to be strong today...
Never stop helping Dr K
Why’d you end it? Hope you’re not a dropper (randomly drops people)
Dude I’ve been dealing with a similar situation. Holding on to every word she said and issuing nostalgia to relive the memories and defending her gave me a false sense of humility that justified my sacrificial idea of “love” that I was unaware of. But as I took control and was really honest how she influenced my happiness and recognized it as addiction, I gained self respect and it took longer than I’d like to admit but eventually I did get freedom and now she doesn’t have power over me. I can say I deserve better and I believe myself. My idea of love has grown and I’m thankful for what I learned from the pain of letting go of external sources of happiness.
"False sense of humility that justified my sacrificial idea of love..."
That's a perfect way to phrase it. Thank you!
when u said u should maintain control of yourself that resonated with me so much, its choosing the path of pain sometimes. that comment relates to so much in life
I've rewatched this video about 10 times. I want this ingrained in me.
Same
Replaying for a second time
Same
Didn’t know how much I needed to hear all this until I watched. Sat there nodding like a moron for 21 minutes lmao
I needed to hear this. I had feelings and expressions to the experience that be covered but I didn’t have the thorough wording for it, as if I was building it on my own and he showed me the best way. I was pumping my fist when he hit topics or explanations because, not only for my own healing, but for my ability to communicate it to others as well.
Dr. K's a superstar in compassion.
I've only recently gotten over basing my happiness on external praise, and Dr. K encouraging us to look at external praise-seeking people with compassion is really fucking interesting/great. Once again the man, the myth, the legend Dr. K helping boost my growth
It's really hard to call abuse "abuse" when the victim is a man, and type of abuse was emotional abuse, because whenever we feel hurt or betrayed or abandoned by someone we cared for- we need to "get some self-respect". One should definitely have self-respect, and not stand to have anyone mistreat them, but it doesn't invalidate our struggles. I really feel for this guy, I was in his same shoes, and one day my energy vampire came calling again, and I told her we were done, and I wasn't giving her the chance to hurt me again.
This is helpful for me considering I have been blocked once or twice with very little to no explanation. I always have to think back and do mental gymnastics wondering if I really did something bad enough to warrant being completely cut off with no explanation. But at the end of the day, blocking without explaining is just the laziest and hurtful thing you can do to someone. It shows that you have no desire to work things through or establish any common ground through communication. Sure, if someone is being completely unapologetic and toxic, I can understand. But if they are really trying to understand what they did wrong, or feel terrible for something they did or something they don't fully understand, I think it is only fair to talk things through and see if the issue really is worth cutting the person off over.
I chose the path of self respect long ago it’s always been my thing
I rejected a girl I loved cause she ended up sleeping around and I couldn’t live with that.
This sort of pain of losing someone important never goes away.
True pain
I'm sorry man, but honestly awesome of you to be able to do something so hurtful
I feel that. After my ex decided to have an OF, I couldn't look at her the same way. I may be self destructive to myself, but I'm not going to be put in that position and made to feel like the bad guy because I don't want my gf to spread her cheeks online.
Happened to me with someone I cared about. I knew her for two years, dated her a bit and it was great!
All of a sudden I was totally blindsided. Out of nowhere I was a horrible monster that might hurt them. I poured through all of our chats to try and see the red flags or to justify her decision. When I tell you there's nothing, I mean it.
I wanted to talk to her for a long time to understand why she did what she did. Just to understand, even if she lied to me again.
Eventually, I thought of it like this:
She lied about so many things and was essentially an actor. Hardly any of it was real, if any at all.
However, I loved what I thought was her. Was I a fool? I don't think so, but even still, I loved wholeheartedly. She did not.
I am capable of love. I was genuine.
In the heat of it all, it's hard to rationalize things and understand yourself. Never lose sight of what you are.
One of the most insightful channels on TH-cam thanks for everything.
I have met people who do this on purpose. They get off on the sense of control and power they get by crushing someone's emotions. It's like they get you to believe they love you just so they can hurt you later. Pure sadism.
ditto. and the ones really good at it are impossible to tell apart from well-meaning people. it's terrifying.
@@iChriselle Indeed. And if you try to warn or tell anyone about they immediately side with the abuser and make excuses for them, making it look like you are the problem for pointing out their bad behavior. "your the one saying negative things so YOUR the narcissist"... you cant win
I think that kind of behavior is always rooted in some kind of deep trauma tho. Like how fucking damaged do you have to go out of your way to make these fleeting deep friend/relationships to intentionally ghost the person. How fucked up do you have to be to find that fulfilling? What happened to that person that that's how they seek out and find love? Quantity over quality. If Wal Mart was a love story lol
@@hollys6299 Check out a guy on youtube called HG Tudor, he is a narcissist who exposes the tactics of other narcissists so he can be the superior narcissist lol. Its some disturbing but enlightening shit
@@isaaccardin thats such an inception type thing lmao. hes bad guy but not a bad guy?
This kinda thing seems to happen to a lot of my friends. They always get a little defensive when I tell them, it’s probably because the other person wasn’t looking for a relationship and you thought they were. The thing is, peoples WORDS need to match their ACTIONS. It hurts to hear, but no, she wasn’t that into you as you thought she was, even if she SAID she is. How do I know this? Because I have been that girl. When I was in my 20s, I didn’t want to hurt peoples feelings so I always made it seem like I was just as into the guy as they were into me. It ended up in a couple of bad heartbreaks on their end. And yeah, I don’t think it means the person is evil or bad, but sometimes we’re just dumb and don’t know how to let someone down without hurting their feelings, and ghosting is easy because we’re not as invested in the person as they are in us.
I can’t make my friends listen to me or believe me when I tell them things out of my own personal experience, but I do hope whoever reads this can try and not see everything from rose colored glasses. There is literally no reason why someone’s actions shouldn’t match their words unless they simply didn’t mean it. I’ve never gotten hurt by anyone because I can read the signs instantly, as someone who has done the ghosting. And you have to really protect your own heart. I’m not saying that the other person has to be totally obsessed with you to prove they are into you or want a real relationship with you, but they should at the very least, NOT GHOST YOU. There’s zero excuse for ghosting unless they’re injured , sick, or dead. Don’t fall for the *2 weeks later* “omg i’m so sorry i didn’t msg you i just got really stressed and anxious and busy” nah fam. As someone who has GAD and get extremely introverted, I would never ever just radio silence someone I HAD ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR, for more than a day or two. No matter how busy you get, if you care about someone as much as they care about you, you will think about them enough to keep contact with them.
appreciate the perspective, it helps a lot
Thank you for your honesty. I needed to hear this.
Thanks i had to read this
People who block at random are the scariest people to me. It’s deranged behavior
i listen dr K's videos sometimes, and am tearing up a bit seeing this gentle and caring parent vibe he gives up, like he's trying to address people's inner child. I get a sense that's what he prefers dealing with, maybe gives him more faith in mankind to ignore everything that is around that in an individual.
I've been heartbroken for 8 months now and Easter was a grim reminder of how addicted I was to my past relationship. What hurts is I believe she saw that self-deprecation in me towards the relationship, always sacrificing myself to help her out. She kept going about how she was not worth my efforts (which causes huge mixed signals because I believed a person that's worth me has that level of self-awareness). but nonetheless, in retrospect, she didn't choose me so I gotta respect myself. I took out more than I thought I would in this video and mistakes were made and I finally understand what the first step to self-respect is.
Very similar thing happened to me, and I'm still recovering. I have been working with my therapist to help me cope. I'm very analytical and need to understand everything, and this was my first attempt at a relationship, so not only am I trying to navigate the oddness of it all, but also trying to navigate relationships in general. She mentioned a myriad of things that can lead me to a whole spectrum of conclusions varying from "she just wanted attention" which would make me feel used and that none of it was real, to "she has a disorganized attachment" which makes me feel compassionate towards her and wanting to do as much as I can to help out.
Thinking about it all, I'm trying to figure out how I even navigate this. If a similar situation appears, how do I react? I want to help people and care for them, but I also need to protect myself. I understand that some people need more help than others and I want to help, but I dont want my helpfulness abused. Should how much I give be determined by context (such as this person needs help, so I'll give more) or should context be irrelevant and I should only give a certain amount?
I am very analytical as well, I never navigated through love relationships at all, but I had some toxic friends. The key is being verbal. If someone isn't verbal(and a functional adult) about their own needs, interacting witn such person is the key to be abused. Not only that, someone that acts in the way that the needs say. If I say I need cuddling from my partner and my partner cuddles me and I go away, I should be open to explain why. Either on the spot or later. If I don't talk about it, even when prompted, this is the way to built a toxic relationship. Search for people that are verbal, and genuine, in the way I explained and your relationships will never be toxic. Also , be one of those people yourself. If they don't explain it, you are not forced to learn context of your partner or anybody else. You don't need to find excuses for their bad behavior if they themselves didn't.
@@fisicogamer1902 Thank you for your insight! Yeah, throughout interacting with her, she never seemed able to express herself. I would very clearly state what I thought, what I felt, etc. and invited her to do the same, even asking questions and repeating back what I understood, but I had to confront her when my gut told me things were up. She would also say one thing but do another thing. I never got malicious vibes from her, so I decided to be patient and understanding with her.
But it still brings me back to the confusion. Her life seems chaotic. Not necessarily because of her own decisions, but her family. Is she unable to express herself because she wasn't taught how to in her childhood? Is she unable to express herself because she doesn't know what she wants? Or is she just getting what she wants with no consideration for others?
I just need to learn to allow people to fail. I need to allow people to learn to communicate. If I try to solve everything, they will never be able to solve things themselves, and they will be worse off
@@Lougehrig10 Well, ask her to go to the therapist. I have a brother that has problems too, but he is doing therapy and is getting better. Still a daily struggle. If she refuses to go, she doesn't want help. Even people that struggle to communicate still follow the rules. Saying:"I don't know how I feel or even if I feel anything at all" is still being genuine and verbal. Searching for help professional help is a must in these situations. Just give her the opportunity of failing AFTER she accepts that. You are not her therapist.
Idk who will see this but I thought it'd be nice to add my story after reading some other peoples stories. This same thing happened to me in my first semester of uni, I was depressed for a while after a new friend of mine decided to cut contact, we were close, very close for friends. It was my best friend that pulled me up from that depression, she invited me to parties, sleepovers, trips to Edinburgh to get drunk and she even let me try edibles for the first time, I vented about how i felt and she listened to it all and said a lot of the things in this video. I made a lot of good memories with that best friend, even ended up making other new friends, eventually i forgot about the "new friend" that cut contact.
Next semester rolls round and new friend contacts me out of the blue, I agreed to meet up to chat. He apologised and promised to respect my boundaries this time (which he has done), we text and chat between classes but not like we used to, he has a long way to go before i can fully forgive him, he knows that. Best friend has helped me realise that im worthy of love, im making a jumper for her the now as a thank you for being there. I'm happier now, im grateful to have learned this lesson and to have best friend, very much looking forward to the rest of uni! :D
Having self respect can feel devastating but its that let go or be dragged situation I feel. That person will live rent free in your head for a while but eventually one day youll wake up and not care much at all. I hope everyone out there has that strength to have boundaries and ensure theyre respected, and to have a friend like best friend. People like her are the real mvps
I learned self respect / assertiveness from facing a bully at work. He was solo incredibly dickish, but soooo valuable.
gawd how is Dr. K so fucking timely. i need this.
i grieve for ex-friends sometimes more than for ex-lovers. it sucks to be rejected without a reason given or a chance to resolve it.
I haven't watched the video yet but just by seeing the post I can infer that she blocked him because she met another guy, went after him, got dumped immediately and then unblocked this guy because she was now alone and wanted the attention back... this a massive red flag and girls like that (or guys) should be avoided at all cost. Have self-respect by finding in yourself what makes you valuable then find someone who actually acknowledges that value...
Wow, this video couldn't have come out at a better time for me, haha.
As a person just coming out of this, there is another way to text a person while still maintaining said control, which I think can be quite freeing. Tell them you want to reconnect, but also end the message saying that you need straight answers and if they respond, they respond, but if they don't within the next day, tell them you will move on with your life.
i relate to this so much.. its been a month for me i dont eat the same, barely get out of bed, ive been suffering so much.. i dont workour anymore ive lost all my weight.. idk i miss him so much… he made me feel so loved and seen and appreciated and valued.. now hes gone.. its so painful.. he didnt wish me hbd or merry christmas.. im afraid he’ll never speak to me again.. and im sad that im even feeling this way but everything between us was so intense.. dr k is right its genuinely is an addiction bc he met my emotional need of comfort and safety, i felt like i could be feminine like he’d take care of me and now its like that safety net or child blanket was pull out from under me and now its just pain and tears.. there is no moving on for me rn,, just mourning what we had..
if he did come back idk how i’d feel.. like dr k said id have to hold him accountable.. idek how i’d go about that?? like why did u leave me.. did you even remember my birthday? did you even think about me or care or feel remorse… just so many questions id have to write them all down to sift through how im feeling.. but stuff like this rly isnt a joke.. when u trust someone enough to let then meet ur emotional needs then they pull it away from u sudden without explanation… genuinely traumatizing and creates trust issues..
it reminds me of my father who just walked out my life as a kid yk, didn’t even say bye to me or explain why he left or what was going on. him and my mom just parted ways without telling us.. super painful everyday i missed my dad and just wanted to see him again, be with him again. my dad made me feel loved and valued, like i could do no wrong in his eyes so…
the lack of explanation hurts the most.. cus my brain will come up with a million reasons why and the first ones will be a reflection of my low self esteem… and not having the actual answer to reassure me.. yeah.. ig i just want someone to say i did everything i could, i treated him well, i was understanding and thoughtful and caring.. that it wasnt me,. that i wasnt the reason he left, its cus he has his own issues… just that validation and reassurance of my worth,, to know theres not something wrong w me,.
him not reaching out hurts the most.. bc even if we did have rough times he would come back ready to talk.. this time feels different though.. the way he left.. what he said before he left.. it all just hurts so much more
I feel you. My ex husband also broke up with me
Feeling the same pain right now as the time you wrote this comment. I hope you are feeling better now. Im just starting my journey to healing the hurt and heart break.
I’m thankful that that I saw this video. I have a situation that I’m trying to get through rn. I had these “friends” that I met at a college dining hall. Every week, I asked them if they wanted to eat. They started ghosting me and then I asked them if they are just ignoring me, in which they responded, yes, and then they blocked me. I realize now that I was acting kinda clingy, but I didn’t mean to come off that way. I was just trying to be friendly. Sadly, I couldn’t resolve the conflict, and I’m trying to get over them.
Thank you for releasing this video at a bloody good time. To be dignified is to choose the path of pain. That's some strong stuff right there.
Many thanks Dr. K
It's much too late for me, messaged her many times, some of the content of which was absolving her of the guilt she was rightfully experiencing for the way she left me. It is what it is, and I've already resolved to not fight for someone's emotional wellness while they've made how available they are clear to me, ever again. Dignity is pain as he said, I would've been going through this pain regardless, I should've chose the higher of two paths. Oh well 🙁
I have learned through life that we often put up with bad behaviour in order to get wanted supply and/or so that we don’t have to improve our own game. A hard one to swallow at first but necessary if we want to avoid transactional relationships that only let us down ultimately.
similar situation with me happened last summer. Was seeing this girl and thinks moved pretty fast and thought it was turning into a relationship. She told me she loved me etc etc. We had some arguments near the end of things then she said she needed her space. Like 3 weeks later she started dating another dude. I was hurt bad. I know I wasn't perfect in what ever we were but I was willing to work through it and wanted to but she didn't. We are still friends but what fucked me up is about 2 months ago she told me she is having a hard time choosing over her current boyfriend or me..... That is just really fucked up. Watching this video has helped on how I can approach her going forward.
I'm 15 minutes in and I feel like I might be misunderstanding something, feel free to point it out if I am, but what I'm thinking is: there's an, in my opinion, important line to this topic I'm not hearing drawn here. The thing about not letting others dictate how you feel makes sense in this case, but I think there's a lot of cases where the other person is going to have an impact on how you feel and it's not abusive... Heck I feel like that's just what having a relationship with another human is. The problem isn't the fact that they're impacting you in itself, but the extend in which they are. That's where the self respect comes in, it's where you draw the line between it being an acceptable or normal amount of influence and it making you their dog that is willing to forgive any bad treatment they serve you...
that is exactly what Dr. K says in the video. He goes into more detail and gets more clear though.
Dude I love Dr K, he’s like the big brother we all need. I’m very happy I found your channel.
Great video! I think most "simps" need to hear this advice the most. One of my best mates used to think exactly this way by a girl he was overinflating the importance she had in his life. This girl took advantage of him left and right and only talked to him when she ran out of guys that gave her attention and saw him as a back up. As soon as she saw a potential mate...she ghosted him. Failure after failure...he finally realized that he shouldn't be treated that way by someone who truly loves him. So he finally decided to just move on from her and never speak to her again. The way I found genuine self-respect (at least relationship-wise)...was the exact same way he did. When you're constantly taken for granted...the deprivation you experience from the lack of your needs being met eventually wears you down completely. Only when you reach a breaking/boiling point is when you seriously take a hard look at yourself. At least that's been my experience lol. Thnaks for sharing!
This topic reminds me of my couple experiences about forcing myself giving up relationships. I really don't like acting tough or acting like I don't care about them, but they just gave me no choices to do it.
Sometimes I just feel like some people keep changing my thoughts on treating others in a negative way.
Thank you for making this vid Dr. K
After watching this vid, I was back to my first year at college, 12 years ago. I made a friend, let's call her Ca, and we were inseperatable. I knew she had a lot of serious home life issues and that she was a serious student by day and a streetfighter by night. She also was an incredible kind, patient and lovely person and I felt like she understood me like nobody else.
Long story short, she converted to a moslima which was a well thought out choice, started dating a guy in Turkey which was less well thought out. It started online, then she met him over the summer holiday for about 6 weeks. It was me who gave her an alibi to visit him during summer.
I was excited to hear about how her holiday was on the first day of the second year. And she wasnt there. It turned out that:
1) she quit college
2) she went back to Turkey after complete (and probably violent) escalations with her parents
3) she married him
It felt like my heart was torn apart and that I lost half my soul that day.
She would sometimes send me E-mails. She sometimes went back to the Netherlands and visit. She would sometimes initate contact. Always with a porpose though. Whenever she was in deep shit, she would (only then) contact me and she never asked on how I was _really_ doing.
At some point I told her this and told her that I didnt want to talk to her anymore. That she burned so many bridges and that was being careless. And after 12 years, I now understand why I feel so torn up about it.
It wasnt ok how she left. She could have written a letter, explaining the situation. I wouldnt have liked it, but I would have atleast could have started to understand it. Or at the very least have arguments for not having to blame myself for her behavior.
She's doing fine now btw. She divorced her husband, she went back to the Netherlands, got herself a nice BF with a cute house, a garden and the like. I believe she did a lot of work on herself as well.
I would like to call her and tell her how I feel. Maybe there is something to save in our relationship.
Idk what I would do without Dr. K’s vids fr.
Finding a Dr K video that lines up perfectly with your situation is a profound kind of joy
Thank you Dr. K for validating that it is totally normal to be upset when someone you have a close relationship suddenly ghosts you with no explanation. People are constantly trying to justify this with "I have anxiety, I have ADHD, I overthink sending the text because it's been too long already..." Respectfully, I can't have emotional terrorists like this in my life anymore. Either work on your issues or stop tormenting me by popping in and out of my life whenever it's convenient for you.
And for anyone who's about to comment "have some self respect," I do now, but for a long time I didn't, and I had to learn these lessons the hard way, so I appreciate this shortcut from Dr. K. I really hope it helps a lot of people.
I also have ADHD and I think it's much more painful for us than the average person. Glad to hear you made it through! I'm also trying to push through, it's hard but it's worth it. Embracing the uncomfortable and growing rather than being comfortable and suffering.
I just love you. You make me chuckle in spite of myself and it's great. It's a whole different way of looking at yourself when you find yourself making an ass out of yourself.
Self respect is caring about your opinion of yourself more than other's opinions
I had to officially end the friendship with my ‘best friend’ of 13ish years early last year. She was moving further and further away since college. I was putting in the effort to video chat at least every other month. I admit I was bad at texting, but she was too. She never suggested to video chat though, only me, and I hinted one time that she could also suggest it. She didn’t. So early last year, I just stopped texting her ever, or suggesting to video chat. She contacted me once briefly to ask if I got the vaccine, but that was it. It was kind of weird she did that and nothing else, really.
Since then, I got pregnant mid last year, and now I have a baby, and not telling my once best friend was so sad. I rem,beer talking about our future kids being friends when we were in college. I’m still sad and dream about her. I have a few other friends, but I really need to make a local mom friend now. But I feel like people are so bad at connecting now a days. Through my life I was always the friend to hold things together to some degree, pretty much. It sucks.
Very helpful. Thank you! I am currently trying to get myself in a healthier state of mind by not reaching out to someone who is not reaching out to me. I had to delete their contact info. In order for me not to obsess with checking to see if they reached out. Im at the point that I need to reject toxic behaviors from others and people that are not on the same page as me. Even in friendships it works both ways. I choose to respect myself and value my time. This video came at the right time!
"who controls the happiness in your life" is something I have needed to hear for a long time but I think I just never knew I did.
Same! I have been obsessing over someone for quite some time now (couple years) but I realize when I knew her it wasn’t a real friendship or connection in the first place, and I’m currently obsessing over her to meet other unfilled needs in my life, such as need for friendship and connection and social life, since I’m usually isolated and lonely these past few years. The “who controls the happiness in your life” phrase made me realize I shouldn’t let someone who doesn’t care about me in the way I want control my life…
Probably the best thing I needed to hear today. I've been bouncing back and forth from being a people pleaser and a selfish airhead, and I could never get it right as to how to present myself, let alone if I was right to cut off so many people in my life. Relationship or just friendship, I think this does a really good job at defining the importance of dignity and control, and how the two pair together. Thanks HG.
Recently out of a relationship/situationship that was “addicted” to. I was in love, and yes I was definitely clingy, I recognized it, and apologized for it. Ghosted. I just wanted to tell her all about the stories and things that happened and were burning a hole in my pocket. But I guess time to move on.
This videos are effective because it teaches people who don’t already understand the solution. The biggest flaw with how most people who are, in theory, more emotionally mature is they say things people “in the know” resonate with and see easily. Essentially, you can say “have some self respect” and everyone who’s clear is like “Amen!” And instantly recognizes and affirms the preacher. But the person who doesn’t know is just a lost, and now has added anxiety about this concept that everyone seems to understand so clearly but they are missing and are made to feel even more stupid.
People, teach personal stuff like Dr. K - knowing exactly what it is that the other person doesn’t know and start building from there.
The release of your videos really feel like they come at just the right moment.
What an amazing channel this is.
Such a good segment. Perfect for where I'm at in life right now. Thank you as always for doing God's work
You call her out for her actions, she tries to gaslight you into thinking you're overreacting about "things that don't matter"....it's an endless vicious cycle nowadays
The beggining is so dramatic, i love it
ayyy shoutout to the editor, the slowest part of Dr K videos are the beginning while I feel out whether I want to keep watching for half an hour. Soundtrack+clips really help.
I got addicted to something for a while and have been working to break away from a unhealthy situation. So, I have been doing certain things to keep in the right frame of mind. One is to keep a journal. In it I set challenges to be a better person and to remind myself not to fall back into old habits along with words of wisdom etc. It helps a lot.
Thank you - Needed to hear this as going through a painful breakup now (ghosted for a month ago). I've already lost enough self respect by letting this person into my life a second time to hurt me again thinking they were different. It was better to leave them in the past as they should have stayed the first time round. I choose the path of pain to heal.
Self-respect, giving up that dopamine rush for a more painful experience but saving my valuable time in exchange. Then here I am reading comments lol. I am seriously addicted to the internet and need help.
I think people see situations like this and think that the choice this person has to make exists in the same social context that they have going on, and that isn't guaranteed. Some people had parents who loved & respected them, some people didn't. Some people have close friendships where they feel seen and appreciated in a way they can count on, and some people don't. Some people have full, healthy self concepts that don't entirely rely on the positive feedback of other people, and some people don't. So when you simplistically tell someone, "Just have some self-respect! 😃" You assume that A) that person has effectively had self-respect modeled for them and they know what that looks like in every scenario, and B) it's going to cost that person the same emotional stakes that it would cost you to demonstrate self-respect.
Neither of those are guarantees.
I've gone through almost the same thing except in a shorter time frame. It is definitely best to just forget her and move on. I made a similar mistake to this guy and reached out after she did that to me and we kind of reconnected. However, the communication was always when SHE felt like it and the whole relationship just became more and more one-sided. Finally, after she ignored me for close to 3 weeks, I finally grew some balls and blocked her. Unfortunately this was only a month ago, so it's all still kind of raw to me. However, I know now that nothing good will come of me reaching out to her and if she reaches out to me, I won't engage. I'm continuing to work on being more secure so that I don't continue attracting people like this, and thankfully I've improved my personality quite a bit from working on myself
Breakups can be a blessing in disguise! It's not always meant for makeup, but rather it ends in
order for you to wake up! So instead of trying to fix something that is broken, start over to create
something that you will attract better.
💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
I am working on healing from childhood emotional abuse, and my self-respect has always been pretty low. I would let people walk all over me and treat me like garbage for years because I thought I deserved it. But since I've begun healing my self respect has gotten better. I won't let people treat me like that again. I'm choosing people and things that are good for me. I definitely needed this video. Thank you!
I was that person 3 years ago.
She was my dream.
Then it suddenly broke up.
1 month of depression. For the first time I had real insomnia.
Almost immediately I got into a rush. Wanted a girl extremely hard. Anyone.
Took me 6 month to recover.
I'm glad that I continued to strive for the best.
Now, 3 years later, my life is wonderful.
Back then I really thought that it was the end.
I thought my dream had evaporated.
Now I understand - it was just another lesson to become a real human being.
And I'm happy! So you will too
I needed to hear this advise so badly today I cannot describe it. I've been dealing with months of trying to be a friend with my ex-fiance who cheated on me months before our planned marriage and struggling with both figuring out what caused things to go so far south as well as learning to accept how on earth this person still wants me around for her own needs and how I succumb to them time and time again just hoping for things to go back to how they were less than a year ago. It is incredibly hard, even after hearing this video, to really feel like I want to let her go and not try to keep myself in an abusive, post-breakup, post-infidelity relationship with someone who has and continues to abuse me as a friend. It is so so difficult to break this addiction.
Stay strong friend. Recognize that the path of pain is simply the path of freedom. There’s no need to continue to sip from the toxic pool of that relationship. It may taste sweet, and comforting, but it poisons you, and you’re aware of that. So choose to be free from that artificial sweetness of comfort. And you will be able to go forth and find another pool to drink from; one filled with purity and love. Best of luck to you, and a reminder, to stay strong.
Its difficult right to even imagine how people can hurt u thar much? Its something that just doesn't fit in our brains cuz its soo hurtful and weird
Also got ghosted for no reason and was left without an explanation. It's just a horrible thing to experience. But that's the best advice I've gotten so far
I also blocked a 7 year only friend today. I said a quick goodbye and told them to take care of them-self because I didn't really want to go through the cycle again (because I did leave them once before) and be sad/upset again later down the line. I didn't really want to burden them with changes to themself for me and just let them live how they wanted. I had a realization that they might not even think of me as important or even like me for who I really am and just using me as entertainment/boredom because they ditch me for other friends in the middle of a hang out or they just get way too sexual out of no where. These could even just be me overthinking but those are things they did that made me sad.
Ive done this. I wasnt aware what inwas doing to her when i kept pushing her away. I didnt understand myself and was in a really bad place in my life physically and mentally. I know i dont deserve forgiveness for the emotional turmoil i put her through. I dont wish that emotional insecurity upon anyone. I cant imagine what i put her through and the her strength to decide she had enough. I still hope to grow better from that experience but i know full well what i lost because of my actions
Your dreams are your dreams. Your values are yours and they may not align with the general consensus. But whatever lines you draw for yourself don't cross them. Whether or not it's interior or exterior shouldn't matter.
All that being said, when it comes to relationships there are billions of people out there.
Im in a really similar situation as this rn, friend i was close to ghosted me for a long time, and when i tried to talk to them again, they blocked me without giving reason
This video really helped with really understanding what i should do moving forward, thank you
A year late but I’m so glad I’m not alone reading these comments. I feel like the memory of this person has been eating my heart every moment i get a spare thought and I genuinely feel like I am supposed to have died or something because at times no matter how conscious I am of it the thoughts won’t stop. I love you all so much and I’m sorry about the messed up world we live in that we all find it so hard to look into each others eyes ❤️
For once in my life i was in the same situation ,where someone treated me badly and the best moment in my life is when i told them i can't be with someone that treat me like this. It was painful but i still feel powerful and satisfied everytime i remember it.
Oooooff this also relates to family. I tried to talk to my uncle that I care about very much about him only seeing one side of the story for the relationship between my mom and I. He does not want to listen regarding the fact that my mother abused me and mistreated me for a long time physically and emotionally for years. He doesnt want to hear it; he doesnt want to hear my side of the story. I had enough. There was no respect and an inability to listen. It was painful but I had to cut him out. That was the only older adult in my family that I felt I could talk too...well not anymore.
Broke off a toxic symbiotic friendship last year. We were "best friends" just because we've known each other since we were kids. There wasn't any strong emotional feelings involved anymore. We only had each other all these years and both thought it was actually a genuine relationship. She ghosted me. We were used to not talking for weeks but this time I got blocked, everywhere. And no I didn't do anything worth that. We didn't talk for a month, and honestly I had a shit time but it made me reflect on this relationship.
Month later she called on my birthday and apologized and said she wanted to talk. I just told her "okay, but I'm not free rn" and ended the call, mostly because I didn't want to ruin my happy day by opening the emotional can of worms and I wasn't ready. Later I called her when I felt ready, and told her everything I had thought over about us in that one month. How the relationship basically was turning parasitic, because of her just wanting an emotional outlet and me never expressing to her what I wanted or felt like in the relationship, basically feeding her unknowingly, making the exchange largely one sided. She accepted all that and agreed with everything. I told her about what I think are my fuck ups and asked what she thinks I could've done better.
I ended the call feeling way better and we agreed to talk sometimes and maybe be even be friends again when we have both matured but for now I'm happy with boundary that we have.
When your heart and brain disagree. Following your brain is hard because our hearts care about feelings. The brain is usually right.
Should you do the same if you mistreated someone not with malignent intention but due to several psychological problems which of course dont justify my actions, but Im immensly regretting everything I ever said, while this person showed me multiple times with lot of patience that she likes me a lot... Im so devasted and I hate myself. I of course had time to think about why I behaved like I did and it surely was an unhealthy obsession with how this person made me feel. you could actually say it physically actually felt like being on very addicting drugs. But I for the first time opened up to other people close to me and I bursted out crying, cause of all the emotions that build up over the years and it helped me understand me and my behavior a lot more. I never had the chance to explain anything and the thought of never having the chance to talk to her again is absolutely devastating....
Thank you so much for sharing such valuable advice. Your videos have helped substantially.
😂😅
"The whole point is self-deprivation. The whole point is 'I want this thing and I'm not going to have it'. The whole point is that I choose what I do. And I'm not going to let the temptation of an external substance [...] dictate my life."
dont let ppl flip flop.
they are either with you or they're not.
do not hold onto the past; if they leave NEVER let them back in no matter the reason.
if they're an ex, they're an ex for a reason.
Having Principles towards making yourself happy by being a humble caring person and standing your ground is more important then trying to chase something temporary in someone else. If you aren't happy with yourself, then work on yourself. help other people, see what can be improved and Never stop learning about being just a better person.
Pain. Is. Necessary. For people to grow. Stop running away.
my boyfriend doesn't have self respect and that also put me in difficult situations.
he was very impulsive. explosive in his emotions, one second he was having meltdowns, pessimistic thoughts to suicidal thoughts then the next he's harassing me and placing me in situations that would've damaged both of his and my reputation. he was very selfish when he was upset about what i did wrong and wouldn't let go of it for weeks but when i tell him something about what made me upset, he would not listen or dismiss it, or he'd listen but he would shrug it off the next day. he was very sweet and affectionate but thoughtless and inconsiderate when it comes to consent and boundaries. he liked pushing me to my limits and exceeding. i always felt unheard, unseen, unsafe and used.
he doesn't let me have space, he gets anxious when i ask for it, making me feel suffocated. he isolated me from any potential friends i could make, and he'd guilt me for choosing other people, family, friends over him. i'd feel really alone at the end of the day.
all of these caused me so much agony. at first it wasn't obvious to me, but over time, i realized how fast he moved, erratic he was and how chaotic everything felt whenever he was around. whenever i'd bring up upsetting things that i felt with what he did, i'd always feel invalidated or dismissed... he gets either defensive or dismissive, only focusing on positive things that he and i had before. at first i actually did love him, i cared about him a lot, stayed with him even through his darkest moments. especially in the times that he and i were being abused in our respective homes by family members. him, his mom berating him, verbally abusing him, manipulating him, emotionally, mentally and physically abusing him and even s*xually being inappropriate with him at times. his mom even crossing as far as berating me as well and commenting inappropriately at me. while with my side, it's a whole lot of neglect, emotional abuse, gaslighting, and a whole lot of fighting, and lack of respect.
i never felt safe. standing beside him always felt stressful. all of this lead me to this push and pull motion in myself, that i want to stay and i want to run as far as i can to be safe from all of this and him.
this caused a whole lot of pain in both of us. there were times that we'd talk fine one day and then the next i'd be silent and ghosting him and he'd be panicking over it while i'm on the other side feeling invalidated with what happened between him and me and i'd still feel unsafe. i feel guilt, i feel sad over all of this, i cry, it is torture. but at the end of the day he and i couldn't see eye to eye, he couldn't see what i needed and i couldn't be what he needed.
i came to this video thinking he was the only one that lacked self respect. but turns out it was both of us. not only had i been stepped on repeatedly, feeling dragged through the mud for a long time, but i feel so unhappy.
his difference from me is that i don't place my happiness on him, i understand how much pressure it would give a person to be made their only source of happiness. he on the other hand tries all the time to make me his only option. and he expects me to do the same...
it's so draining. so suffocating. and i never wanted to develop this push and pull away behavior but in my situation with him, i couldn't talk to him properly like how i wanted to, he wouldn't listen. it's... devastating.
"Self respect is choosing pain"
Good quote.