"What's the Point in Dating?"
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 มิ.ย. 2024
- In today's video, we explore a reddit post where the poster feels like they can't heal from their past relationship experiences. Dr K starts off the discussion by introducing what The Peter principle is, and how this principle underscores the importance of continual self-awareness and communication in romantic relationships to ensure alignment and mutual growth.
Learn more from Dr. K in his Guide to Mental Health: bit.ly/3uLLHHQ
Not sure where to start? Take our guide module quiz: bit.ly/47dGzKj
Breaking down why something of importance can actually make being successful in it extremely difficult, and thus Dr K goes into how we can make things like dating stop holding so much weight and start succeeding in the things we value. Next be breaks down expectations of our values and how the reality of them may lead to us failing.
▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Preview
00:25 - Reddit Post
01:50 - The Peter principle
06:40 - Importance and success
09:38 - How to make dating less important
15:42 - What does a relationship mean?
23:24 - Removing people who are too good for you
26:34 - “Work on yourself”
29:37 - Negative emotional experiences
32:38 - Cognitive biases
35:34 - Conclusion
37:20 - Thank you to our members!
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To me dating has been something other people do. I can't even begin to imagine anyone being actively involved in my life, let alone dating them.
I feel the same way about finding a job. It feels so foreign to me now I can't imagine actually having to wake up and go to a job again. I can't get a call back anyway in 3 years so I think it's over..
Well sounds like this video is for you then.
This. Reminds me of this time back when I was a teenager and I went to write a slice of life story involving married people and I realized I literally had no idea of what life with a relationship looks like. It was funny and depressing at the same time.
As Dr.K said in the video, we look at other relationships and see couples doing this and that, but these are only insignificant pieces that can't even begin to describe the real whole thing, but since we don't know any better for ourselves, we create a fantasy of what relationships are.
I feel the exact same way, it makes perfect sense for anyone else to be in a relationship, but me? Feels illegal, impossible even
@@rw5622 Not necessarily. OP sounds like i myself, in where i always thought i'd eventually find a significant other and would marry and have children or whatnot, since everybody does. I couldnt really ever imagine it.. not because i doubted myself or have too high expectations of my partner tho, simply because i couldnt see myself actually invest time into that. Pretty sure im aromantic or smth. I just dont care about nor want a romantic (or sexual) relationship whatsoever. It just seems like a hassle to me. Not something i would want my life to revolve around. Im happy with doing great in my job and having a good time gaming with friends. And that's literally all i want from life.
28 and have never been on a date. Im so intimacy deprived that if someone were to even just give me a hug i'd break down.
God i hate my life.
I'm also 28, will be 29 this year and am in need of a hug, but unlike you ,perhaps, even the hugs I received as a kid made me feel weird. Like the cat you force to love, bur is quick to escape that hug. I'm weird :(
I’m 26 and feel the same way.
I was in your situation until I eventually did find myself into a relationship. One that honestly did challenge me as a person and romantic partner to my absolute limits. More than a half year after the breakup, I now wonder whether or not I regret getting into it. But therapy has been such a huge help for me in boosting my self-esteem and allowing me to learn even more about myself that I never would have without it. I have decided to go back after thinking that I could figure it out all on my own, but certain events stemming from that breakup has led me to seek out more sessions. Maybe you have tried it, but I think it is something that could help you. I hope that my story can inspire and bring some optimism into your life because I believe in you when I previously could not believe in myself!
Go visit a hospital ward ,you will love your life more than ever ,romantic love isnt everything ,there is more to life than a woman telling you she loves you.
@@andrewevans7992 come on bro, stop fixating on being loved by a woman ,there is a whole life out of that
"half our training is in diagnosing the problem correctly" - Dr K. "Knowing is half the battle" - GI Joe.
Ironically, knowing and self-awareness IS half the battle
The other half is foiling Cobra Commander’s plans.
Guys if you want to know the best place on earth to meet girls is not the bar or work or school . Is the store called TARGET 😂
I see I'm buying coaching form D.K.AND playing whatever game you mentioned
The other half is extreme viole-i mean introspection
Wait, you guys are getting dates?
Nuh uh
Nope
Unfortunately, as a dude, can confirm I get no dates
Unless you go up to random women or do online dating, the only other way to find women is to be out and about in a big social group and have your friends set you up and say good things about you especially platonic women friends.
@@PessoaAleatoria01 That works if you're still in School. Unfortunately there aren't many places where you can meet women after you graduate. The Workplace, various Religious Institutions, and the Night Scene are the best places to meet Women in real life nowadays.
When I like them they don't like me, when they like me I don't like them.
-Story of my life
When I like them they don't like me, when they like me they hide their feelings and never let it be known they liked me to begin with.
that's about it
Woman?
If you don’t like them anymore just because they like you that’s kind of dumb
@@mommasbigboy8656 woman
@@seminarrfactor678that's not what they were saying. They meant when people they aren't attracted to like them, they obviously don't like them back.
Dating really boils down to luck. Most people you meet will not be compatible with your values and beliefs and you just need to get better at recognizing that early on with the people you spend your time with.
It's strange the only people I vibe with is people that are married and lesbians
@@Fiox789 that is honestly such a green flag, married folks have stability & lesbians are the backbone of lgbtq+ community. If you get along with those groups (and they trust you in turn) to me that’s a flag that you’re probably a kind and open-minded person without ulterior motives in relationships.
@@Fiox789 SAME WTF I was starting to think there weren't any single/straight women left; I've only connected with women who were dating, married, lesbian, asexual etc
To the extent that it is up to luck, it is arbitrary and therefore meaningless.
@@luclark1276 but everyone’s preferences are very subjective
Dating in today's landscape feels like squidward bashing his head on the cash register while Patrick takes forever to order a krabby patty
Underrated.
Trying to talk to women feels like convincing Mr. Krabs to take a pay cut
@@MeatVessel Mr. Krabs pays you guys?
It's more like applying for jobs. Gotta apply a bunch and a few will be interested
No it doesnt but alright
Being invisible and worthless in a society that wasn't built for you is painful, it makes you want to disappear for real.
there's nowhere to disappear to if theres no one you are disappearing from. Being invisible is actually really cool. And being worthless is subjective. How is worth even defined. Some say every life has inherent worth and others don't. And even setting that aside if you do nothing, are cared about by nobody. Whats the problem? When you die nobody has to grieve, really thats a blessing. Imagine having to sort out wills, and having to meet others needs so you can feel "usefull". The best use you have right now bud, is deciding what is worth committing to in life that gives you the deepest satisfaction you can imagine. Whether thats trying your best to learn, or finding peace in wanting nothing, there's a million paths laid before you that all lead to a content and happy life. None of which rely on the validation of others. I would argue anything other than being actively antagonistic is probably doing the world a net positive. Being anything but shitty is being nice. Being anything but self defeating is...self winning? I have to work shop that. But you get what I'm saying right? If you for real wanna isolate yourself from everyone and everything, i just beg that you do it because it means everything to you, and not because you're worried about what you mean to anyone else.
@christopherthompson5400 what an extremely wordy cope that is.
@@christopherthompson5400 The thing that gives a lot of people the "deepest satisfaction" *is* "the validation of others"; I can get good a a skill or a game that's fun to perform but, from observation, that feeling pales in comparison to when you feel noticed and valued by others. Just doing the former doesn't give a strong enough reason to do things personally.
Now you get how women feel lol literally having males sabotage me at work coz am more educated than them male jealousy is unbelievably diabolical
@@christopherthompson5400you should be ashamed of this 💩
"All those red flags?... Personality quirks"
Had me laughing for a few minutes, not gonna lie lol
Dr K's sense of humor is honestly underrated lol makes these videos so entertaining
Me too hahaha
Yes! I was laughing so hard because it’s so true on what he said! Our brain doesn’t want to listen to the red flags or consequences when you are in “love” 😂
I feel completely and utterly exhausted after work. I can't even imagine having a successful, healthy relationship while balancing the all-consuming stress I feel daily. Finding someone special, spending my life with them, and having a family was my number one hope when I got out of school, but the constant push to climb the career totem pole to one day sustain that dream has been soul-sucking. I need a new career.
Same bro😢 I just wanted rest all day after work
Get a new one! Despite what some might tell you, there are some jobs out there that WILL give you the work-life balance! I worked 3 years two amazing jobs (1 year as a researcher for a museum and 2 years as a corporate trainer). They were absolutely awesome, but short term. Life brought me the position of college professor and all work-life balance is gone. Feeling severely burnout and depressed. This is my first semester and I'm already looking for another job haha Life is short, don't stay where you don't feel good!
And th bitter irony is, if you have a stable partner (preferably romantic I red) it would alleviate a part of thát stress.
Remind yourself the purpose of working. If your work prevents you from something very important to your life its definitely time for a new job. Work to live, don't live to work.
I feel exhausted too. I need a cigar for energy. Guess what. They hate that i smoke. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.
Parents pressured me into not dating in high school, saying that i shouldn't think ahout it till college. Couldn't afford college, so I went to trade school, now working full time as a machine operator. To say I feel behind is an understatement. I have basically no social life because of my job, and I have basically zero irl friends. I'm 20 now, and I'm convinced I'm just going to be stuck for at least 5 years.
20 is still young, dawg
You're not in your prime until you're 30
You have 10 years to catch up, at least
And even after a decade, it's never "too late"
@@natalieb3493 I know 20 is young, it's just I'm tied up for the foreseeable future. I'll be stuck working off shift, up to 60hrs mandatory, for 3-5 years before I'll make enough to do any school. I'm a total social recluse too. I suck at talking to people and making friends. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel I guess
It's not easy to see hope, but just like anything else, you can practice. The first step is recognizing your issues accurately. If this is something you want to work on, don't give up. You can do this, 20 is still really young.
@@d4rkblu386 So stop sucking at being social... Start talking to people. Make excuses to talk and interact with people. You're not gonna one day wake up and be charismatic. It takes practice. Talk to your coworkers. Ask them if they saw that movie. Ask them how their lives are. When someone looks sad, ask them if they're okay. Find a reason.
I’m 25 and have no friends. Don’t be me in 5 years time. You’ll do great!
Sometimes this doesn't make any sense. Like I had friends who didn't take care of themselves, drank and smoked, nihilistic, fat, dumb-looking and whiny getting dates and laid a couple times a month. Meanwhile I'm here working my ass off on keeping my body in mint athletic condition, putting extra effort into work and working relationships, including new people, always being there for everybody, having self respect, dignity and ethics. Yet I am the one always left behind when it comes to intimate relationships. How the hell do you not become bitter and resentful after that?? How am I to stop thinking that working on yourself and continuing being on the virtuous path won't be worthwhile? Year after year the resentment grows larger.
When even some trashy criminal can get someone that loves them, why even bother anymore?
Most healthy long term relationships are because of luck. I choose to just coast until lady luck pays me a visit.
Put yourself in better positions, optimizing luck is also a skill. I keep myself very busy and that helps regardless of outcomes but that does help with luck.
Being immersive in conversation is one of the biggest reasons. Simply put: people like people that are interactive. Doesn't always have to be looks. Those are for shallow people that seek status. If you're good-looking *AND* are incredibly conversationally immersive, you will attract a lot of unwanted attention (though, this will increase your exposure by mouth), but this will also give you the confidence to hopefully talk to that one quiet person that could just be the lucky lady. And, the second tip is: exposure. Join clubs, teams, servers, and be social. Someone is bound to gain interest in you if they see you talking.
they can probably smell the resentment bro
As someone with an abusive childhood, Coach nailed it. I intentionally picked partners who were not good for me and I just kept repeating a toxic cycle with diffrent people. Only once I started therapy and working on my self esteem, did the importance of dating diminish and I started meeting people who were better for me. 100%
being able to pick a partner has always been a dream for me
Yeah but how do you meet them
Too late for me at 40. The risks are too severe. But if I'd figured things out earlier, maybe.
Most men don't pick partners. They either get picked, or don't. These days for most men, it's don't. At some point, maybe, just maybe we can start to admit that it's not all their own fault.
@@MeatVessel The good or the bad ones?
>"Just don't care bro"
>10 more years pass of no dates
T-thanks Dr. K...
i think it feels more like work to most people and it puts them off even getting their foot in the door, shit feels like a second job at times and people dont have the right perspective to see it as being worth it in the end so everyone just quiet quits lmao
@@starz9135 half the population is actively discouraged and ostracized for pursuing relationships the other half is conditioned to expect extravagant courtship by the best of the best no matter how unrealistic. Society has completely destroyed male female dynamics and realistic expectations in relationships. Unfortunately people can't quit they aren't even qualified to get the job. 😂
You gotta go date people
Everyone’s traumatized now though
@@roboorb8477 It's not like that for like 70% of the people. I live in Europe and I met only like 2 girls out of few hundreds that had high expectations and were high maintenance. The thing I have seen is that guys actually do not put in much effort, go for sex becasue why care about a girl who has hundreds at her disposal through tinder and insta? And I was like that when I was like 23 - 28. 30 hit, my career took off more, I started to see people for who they are and be more interested in their stories and boom. Like attracts like
@@taylorbee4010No we don't.
Where's it written into law that we have to date?
Super true. And I can speak from the first hand experience of wanting to date more than anything, being extremely lonely and then finding someone and actually doing it- I found someone pretty good for me, and felt okay for the first couple weeks or so but over time the excitement wears off and the empty parts of you are left unanswered. Keep growing and putting yourself out there but don't act like one thing will solve your problems or make you happy. Your priority in life should not be an attainable thing, it should be your values and the way you want to live your life. Goals can be separate.
Put really well!
I always see people say this, that "one thing won't solve your problems or make you happy". That's how I've felt about having a romantic relationship for a long, long time. I've sort of deified it in my mind over time to the point where I can't help but feel like it's everything I want and need and that nothing else could possibly save me. And I know that's probably not true. I wouldn't know, since I've never really had one. But it's what everyone seems to say and it seems logically true as well. But the hope that it could is one of the only things that keeps me going though. Finally having a romantic relationship and being disappointed by it is one of my greatest fears. I'm afraid to say that if I ever actually somehow found a romantic partner and then still found that it didn't make me happy...I can't help but feel like I would self-delete. I can't imagine any other possible outcome than that.
Your last two sentences are 🎯🎯🎯🎯. There's too much tunnel vision and expecting a relationship to solve all of people's problems.
Live a good life, a life true to oneself, and allow those who share some principles tag along.
Having a good deep conversation with a friend, nice. Having some passionate sex with a long term intimate partner, just as nice. Taking pride in a job well done, just as nice. Seeing someone you helped getting happy, just as nice. Achieving a hard goal, just as nice.
It's all simple things, nothing is a meaning-gifting event, nothing is reason-to-be-alive-generating experience. Life is meaningless and you can just enjoy it by living it the closest you can to your values and beliefs
Yeah, one has to discover their own self-worth and bring that energy to the table. Being in a relationship isn't going to suddenly fill an entire void. A lot of these lonely people are in a dark place waiting for someone else to be their light instead of getting to the root of why they're in the dark in the first place.
I'll admit I was a bit dumbfounded when you brought up that,
"if you have a problem, bring it up in therapy, a lot of people don't do this"
and then I remembered that was me when I first started going to therapy. I would just complain about the same thing over and over again but I never did the work outside of therapy to try and get better. I just thought that attending the sessions alone was enough.
Now I try to go into each session with a problem to address and a goal to achieve for the next session. I've made a lot of progress doing this approach.
Oh yeah, that was me too. Healing really is 50% from help and 50% YOU doing the work
If I gotta do half the work, then therapy should be half the price.
Therapy is a joke. I’m sorry, but the fact of the matter is I’m going to therapy for them to fix me, if I could fix myself, I wouldn’t need them. If I’m paying to be there but it’s still on me to make it actually work, what exactly am I paying for?
@@redgreen2453 there is an old engineer's joke about how when a machine breaks down you call the repairman and they look at the machine for two hours then grab a screwdriver, screw in a single screw and then bill you 200$
thing is, tightening a screw takes a minute but figuring out what screw is loose also takes time (and sometimes special training).
When you go to therapy you are going to someone who is going to help you identify the problems and possible solutions. It's still up to you to tighten the screw.
@@catStone92 I don’t want solutions, I want a lack of problems
@@redgreen2453 it is half the price. They should be charging double what they do now, if you want your rage to be validated.
As someone who was cheated on multiple times by their partner. Let me tell you, being single is NOT the worst thing that can happen to you. I’d rather sleep alone than lay next to someone who made me feel alone the entire time.
20:55
"discount all the people that would lead to a good relationship"
Naw dude you don't understand
Most of us have never had the opportunity to reject anyone because no one has _ever_ wanted us in the first place
(Edit) you know what dude, fuq it I'm gonna pursue people who I think are waaay out of my league. You inspire me.
More power to ya
Pay for it. No seriously I do it . If you make enough money, you can basically cheat your way into a "relationship". And like who cares if someone is with you only for the money just work harder and that is it.
Your edit's phrased as a joke, but it's kind of the answer.
It's like Dr K's example of getting the research job at Harvard. Everyone else thought Harvard was way out of their league, so when Dr K applied, he got picked as he was the only candidate
@@Nightzo But that would make the analogy fall flat on its because wouldn't it? Because first you'd have to know wo would make for a "good" relationship before you could even discount them. And "harvard" (versus another school) does not qualify in either direction, it rather flips the thing on its head. Also, I don't like this type of analogy because in most job applications there's still such a thing as "papers/credentials".
26:56 I feel like this is something the internet really needs to learn and internalize. There's so much advice out that about interpersonal issues where people chime in like "do all these things yourself" and zero appreciation for the fact that, sometimes, "other people" need to be a part of the healing process as well. So much easier to just make the person asking for help completely responsible for their situation and chide them for not being independently capable enough.
It brings to mind something from MMORPGs: more often than not, the strongest healing spells can be used on teammates, but not on yourself.
You can't double-box in real life. If you're hurt and need healing, sometimes, you need a buddy for that.
I like to say it's a 60/40 split between doing the work yourself and support from others.
At least that's what I think for mental illness.
I'm the 101st like on this great comment, my purpose has come to fruition
Haha, I've got to say that it is indeed a refreshing perspective. And how "small" of a change it needs to be to be refreshing! No one is saying the change needs to come 100% from other people. But just saying that as low as 10% of it must come in the form of support from others is paradigm-shifting. I've never heard a therapist or really anyone else saying that less than 100% of the responsibility falls on your shoulders.
My baggage is mine, not anyone else's. Even my best friend doesn't deserve to hear about my problems, and it is my fault for burdening him.
The point about people coming up with an imaginary idea of relationship is something I've definitely noticed from other people in online dating. It's like a lot of people have developed this expectation that dating involves the other person doing all the work to woo and entertain them without ever stopping to wonder what they should be offering in return. It's part of why, especially in online dating, conversations often feel so one-sided even if you try to ask people about the very things they claim to love. It's just really weird.
I've been saying this for a long time. Like I'm not going to entertain you if you're not reciprocal in the exchange I'm going to unmatch
aye, if people think the purpose of dating is to feel good or entertainment it's already game over
purpose of dating/sex is children
children = sacrifice
sacrifice = losing your good feelings LOL
if all you really want is to 'feel good' maybe you really should just save $500
and go to Vegas for a weekend
This taks is too much for my brain it seems sometimes like I would just accept random person who picks me out of my hole I guess.
I am M 19
People say there's plenty of time agead, but I am really probably autistic and just tired of it all... F those people, they can't imagine how counterintuitive all is and it feels whatever YOU specifically do makes it wose
I have never ever even acknowledged to anybody that we were having date, because it would scare the person me with
OK I'll stop this topic makes me cry
@@therearenoshortcuts9868 big oof what about those couples that got together and never wanted to have kids?
@@overlordfemto7523Because it's not limited to women. It's happening with men as well. (Source: I date men...or at least try to lol)
"That's what relationships are supposed to be, but what are they like for YOU?"
I really felt that.
Accepting that certain things simply are not meant for me takes a huge weight off my back.
It's like a human accepting that they are not a fish so there is no way they will be able to have the underwater represent life instead of death by drowning. Underwater is life for fishes. But for humans it is death. Stop idealizing the fish life and pursue human life to the fullest.
But you aren't a fish, you are a human. Humans seek these experiences. It's always fine to give up, but it won't help you.
@@rw5622you didn't understand the analogy.
Also, it's not "giving up" as in accepting defeat, it's "giving up" as rethinking your goals and deciding to be down-to-earth. Way too many people don't know the difference.
@@phosspatharios9680that's because you gave an incorrect analogy. When you aren't able to diagnose your own issues, you need the help of a therapist to help you on the path. Don't waddle around in TH-cam comments giving poor explanations and get upset at people.
@@rw5622 ah, I see. So you were just trolling.
@@phosspatharios9680no I wasn't trolling. I was trying to help you. Your analogy is incorrect because you simply don't understand your own issues. You don't understand it because often people misdiagnose their own mental flaws and come up with braindead solutions that don't work. That's why it's important to ask for help. You are not a fish, you are a human being who is perfectly capable of forming relationships, you just need to quit pretending it is hopeless and find a therapist willing to work with you and help you feel like a human.
Dating is just like fishing: It's boring and I fucking hate it.
Real
lmfao, good analogy.
I’d say it’s more like war. Good chance it’ll kill or break you.
Three years ago I had one meaningful relationship from ages 43-45 and it was the best experience of my life. Taking SSRIs, did TMS and currently doing Ketamine treatments to try and get over it. Fix this early people, or a lifetime of pain is ahead of you.
In your same boat, though it was being idealized and sexualized by emotionally unavailable (and often legally unavailable) men that has created my trauma. I am also starting Ketamine and doing an eight week DBT course to try and handle my trauma and emotions. It’s tough!
@lb6056 oh boo hoo you chose to get involved with married men while some men don't even get anything. Women would rather share an alpha than have a beta to themselves
@@lb6056 I also did 6 months of DBT! They convinced me to leave because I wasn’t borderline or bipolar but simply heartbroken beyond repair. Hopefully it helps you. Good luck!
@@timhorton7420I thought they meant adult men when they were a minor
@@lb6056 I did 6 months of DBT too! Hopefully it helps you.
Gave up on trying to find someone. Apps are just toxic. Talking to people online fizzles out and talking to people irl is hard when you aren’t the most social. Giving up on it has been fine honestly. Not like i am missing out
as a former 'not social' person, there is no such think as not being social. there are only people that turn being unpractised socially into a personality
In my case, I let them fizzle when she asks how ambitious I am because I usually get unmatched when I'm honest about it. Why bother?
@@varnishyourboardnot everyone asks about ambition as an icebreaker question, you might just be looking in the wrong places
You're not missing out on anything, that's true.
@@gleipnirrr i used to be social. Then a bad job experience made me lose trust in prople
He's 23 so there is a lot of time, but we should acknowledge that dating has changed in the last 10 years and it won't get better anytime soon. For many, it's a game you can't win, so the earlier you accept that and make dating less important you can focus on other things.
L take man, lean into the negatives so you don't have to deal with it? That's aggressively dumb. Take away from the bad experiences and keep refining the process, find out what you don't want and what you won't tolerate. Carry yourself with respect and mirror that respect onto the people you're interested in. If theyre unable to do that you move on to someone else. Shit isn't that hard. The main issue is a lack of communication skills on both ends
I've been saying that for a long time, just focus on being better than your past self and not things you can't control like other people for example
@@juiceboxbzrk "Just keep grinding, bro" What a fucking shit take.
When Dr. K says give dating less importance he does not mean give up and focus on other things. The nicest interpretation is that he means work hard on it while not giving it too much importance which is basically impossible to fully do but it’s more or less doable.
@@Graviticus you're right. it's much smarter to stagnate and keep being unrefined as a person. that'll solve it
Gave up hope, the amount of wasted energy, and seemingly wasted time for people to end up doing a complete 180 and hurt me. I wanna see the best in people, and think everyone deserves a chance, but I am so done with how everything just turns out for the worst and I'm left looking like a clown and heartbroken for putting full trust in someone despite previous experiences proving me I maybe shoulnd't. It's hard, because I want a relationship and someone I can be devoted too, but it's just so painful every single time so far.
Maybe don't give up, but put relationships on the back burner. It's ok to still want a relationship, but don't make it your number 1 priority.
I'm 57 and have cancer. It really is over.
Brootal
i'm sorry man
I’m sorry for you ace :(
You can beat it.
Your first priority is to beat cancer, not watching videos about dating sir.
Dr. K, you have a seriously amazing way of breaking concepts down and explaining things. So grateful to have found your channel.
Hey Dr. K I'd hate to admit it but I haven't watched your stuff since covid but it's for a good reason. I got my own therapist and have been doing much better mental health wise. Because of your videos on addiction and meditation it allowed me to quit my unhealthy relationship with weed AND porn (something that I thought would be a lot harder, almost impossible from the perspective of a 20 something stoner). I definitely fell into the category of "stoner that watches motivational videos" during covid, then one video it was like you were calling me out on my shit directly and from that moment on I felt I had to change. I wasn't always successful but That didn't stop me from trying. Thank you so much for all the work that you do.
I've been rejected all my life and my tall attractive friend said just be confident and you will get a girlfriend. Wish me luck guys, I am gonna be confident later and ask my crush out!
LOL
So? still confidnt?
Hope it works out, don't give up on yourself :)
How'd it go? Did you give yourself a shot or did you just assume they're not gonna like you and self-sabotage?
Whatever you do do NOT confess and rawdog asking her out to a date or to be your girlfriend
Even Dr. K has said don't confess
There are many problems with the "Just be confident" advice. What they don't tell you is be confident in approaching her to flirt, do small things, get to actually know her as a person rather than a distant character in your life.
Asking her out directly will just put her in a spot and if she doesn't even know you personally, the odds are so bad for you and running into that kind of rejection might be bad in a long term sense, dissuading you from trying again.
Maybe I haven't watched in a while, but THIS is the Dr. K I really miss. Thank you so much! I think what made the difference was the live format. Less jump cuts. Really enjoying this one, I think I'll be able to apply it. :)
I have a question about the whole “work on yourself, before you start dating” when is the work done and when can you start dating. I’ve heard this shit so many times from doctors, from ex girlfriends, from family. I’ve listened and been working on myself for years. I thought I was ready, I started dating, shit went horribly wrong. Got told “maybe you need to work on yourself” this sentence almost made me go end it right then and there after years of “working on myself” I get told to “work on myself.” When am I ready? Will I ever be ready? Will I ever complete the work on myself and be worthy for someone?
There is a simple answer to this. So long as you try to become worthy enough, you are thinking that you aren't worthy. So you will never be worthy. It's a matter of perspective, plain and simple.
Thinking you should be better is great motivator and will help you improve yourself to the very end of your life. Thinking you aren't "worthy" is just plain stupid.
I can't stress this enough. So long as you think you are not worthy, you will radiate that outward through your body language and clearly tell women that you are not worthy and they should not bother. They will just know it, and won't be able to tell you what the problem is.
It's like with depression. In depression, your brain tries to find an answer to the question "why am I so useless?". Problem is, that presupposes that you ARE useless, so the question can never be answered.
My advice to you would be to sit down a long time and write down the things you value, e.g. honesty, family and so on. Then ask yourself if you are living those values. If you do, you should be proud of yourself. If you don't, find ways to do it better.
The next time you talk to a person or woman, your mind will be less preoccupied with trying to prove to that person how worthy you are, and instead, you will be more able to listen and show genuine interest in THEM. This is what creates a connection.
Best of luck!
@@Kit-kk9cb youre such a savage. Thanks savage
It's not about being worthy, it is about being desired. That, my friend, you can not control.
Try not to take that too seriously.
When the only woman i ever loved died, i found myself unable to fill the void that was left. Its bene fifteen years and no one makes me feel evem remotely happy. All i want is to move forward.
I know a few words from someone you haven't even met will not mean much, but...
I'm sorry for your loss.
@@Hexanitrobenzene It's a day by day thing. Not much of a struggle, more just wading, y'now? All I can do is just try to enjoy myself.
Listening on repeat… this is the content I’ve really been needing.
My brother! You're PREACHING!!!! You are just telling me exactly what I'm failing at!
I get that wanting a relationships comes from a hunger, but if you have a hunger for intimacy how the hell you solve it without a relationship?
in my experience by changing the focus to other things in life that are important to you, but I suggest therapy because everyone is different.
try and foster more intimate relationships with family and friends, people you already know you can trust. so if you find someone in the future you won't become completely emotionally dependent on them cuz that's unhealthy anyways
The "experts" never seem to have an answer for that
@@armandobeltran361 "therapy" your face definitely needs to touch concrete, that'll be your physical therapy.
@@armandobeltran361basically you have to find something you love in life more than a relationship
I hate the advice to "not worry about dating and it will come to you." I was single for over a decade, never had a relationship, and even though it was something I knew I wanted I really wasn't too concerned about it. I then unexpectedly got into a relationship (my first ever) and it felt SO GOOD! We dated for several months and I was starting to think this could lead to marriage one day, but she ended it abruptly saying it just "felt off" with no other explanation. Now I feel like this is the only thing I want that can bring real meaning back into my life, and when people tell me "not to worry about it and it will come" I just think, isn't that what I was doing before? I just imagine going another decade+ of being single and alone, but this time really knowing what I'm missing out on and being miserable about it.
I went through a similar experience, and I feel the same in that it felt so good when we were in it. It felt so good that I want to go back to something like that again. The idea that the right person "will come naturally" may be true, but it also may not. It's possible that you will never find the right person in your life. But what we can do is put ourselves out there and expose ourselves to a variety of people. We can increase our likelihood of finding the "right person" by talking to more people and getting to know them. That, I think, is the best we can do. If at the end of it all, we still don't find the right person, then so be it. At least we can say we tried and had a good time attempting it.
Thank you so much Dr. K. This hit at a perfect time and I feel like a new door has opened in my brain.
I’d watched this as a part of the longer subreddit review, really happy it’s on its own now too! With timestamps and all. This is definitely a video I have watched before and will continue to revisit as I continue to grow. Thank you!
I really needed this today. Was spiralling. Thanks for this
I definitely see myself adding value to relationships and don’t really know what I want with them, how I don’t really have a plan for it. Yet I will act like it’s just so much different than it would be for anyone else. Thankyou for this
This is what I needed to hear today, I was talking to someone about my struggles with online dating, and they said "do you actually want a serious relationship?!?" and I said "no not really!"
I really do, but I don't believe it will happen. In fact it happened, both choosing an unhealthy relationship and running away from a healthy one... it's damn tough...
"Walked when I shoulda run
Ran when I shoulda walked
And don't I know it
Don't I know it"
"Shoulda" by Jamie Woon
I've given up on dating. Tonight, I will be paying for platonic cuddling.
How? I would pay for cuddling…
The commodification of human relationships is so sad.
Before I‘d pay for cuddling I‘d rather pay for a massage. Gets you relaxed while also giving oxytocin
Going to the cuddle plug, huh? Enjoy!
@@Muscaplayscuddling provides oxytocin as well, much more than a massage
I have tried to explain the concept of "corrective emotional experiences" to many a person (without realizing there was a term for it!) and it is TOUGH. In the context of work, for example, I've tried explaining "I've had so many bad, abusive managers that it's tough for me to value myself and my work, and what I need to fix that is opportunities to work under supportive managers who care enough to invest in me and provide positive experiences" and so often you just get met with that classic and tone deaf "You're past it, let those experiences go" or "You shouldn't need validation from other people. Just believe in yourself." Oh gee, yes, I didn't realize I could just WISH my trauma gone and self-esteem back into existence, didn't realize it was that easy.🙄 For better or worse, we're social creatures. We are affected by our interactions with the people around us and we generally crave _some_ level of social acceptance that can leave us malleable by the opinions of others. In the same way that bad experiences can damage you, it makes sense that you would need good experiences to patch you back up.
It's worth investigating therapies like EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and EFT as trauma is trapped within the body. Also test yourself for any allergies you might have as well.
Your final thoughts reminded me of a phrase. Something along the lines of: if scars are the mark of a bad experience in the skin, caresses can be the mark of a good experience.
Well said. People who dismiss the idea of healing through positive interactions with "get over it, stop relying on others, believe in yourself" are still lost in the sauce of our extreme individualistic culture. I guarantee that they expressed similar feelings at one point, and someone else said those exact words to them... And they internalized it. People can't validate wounds in others that they haven't validated within themselves.
As they say, hurt people hurt people 😞 props to you for your self awareness and courage!
Nah it’s all in your head bro 😎
I’m 25 and I had a lot of trouble with dating and intimacy when I was in my early 20s. What I found out is that getting dates and going out with people became easier once I decided to stop focusing on finding a relationship and instead focused on just living my life and actually trying to enjoy it. I find it very important to be present with everyone around you. I’ve learned a lot of life lessons from just interacting with the world rather than hung up on my own personal failures. People are more drawn to those that don’t care about how others think and just being your authentic self. Focus on enjoying the world, working out, have a genuine smile on your face. Whether bars, clubs, stores, parks, hiking trails, etc. I try to socialize with everyone and try to learn something from them because everyone has their own story that could be valuable for you.
And that focusing on yourself actually had any effect on how other people reacted to you?
I did that from mid 20s to end 30s. It had no effect at all.
I'm 29 and I'm the opposite. I only focus on living my life and because of that I fail at having relationships. For a clingy person the advice of not caring anymore is a good advice. But for a person like me this just means that they think I am not interested in anything. And I enjoy life, socialize, smile, am fit and am my authentic self.
@@benrex7775 Focusing on yourself doesn’t mean being by yourself. Working on relationships and socializing is an important aspect of living your life and enjoying it. Have passions and introduce others to it. To find that person or have better relationships, starts with having a good relationship with yourself and then communicating with the world around you under the purpose of genuine connection.
@@HoangRoxXD I am an introvert. Focusing on yourself may mean socializing for some, but in my case I don't care as much for other people. Or at least when I think about lifing my life and enjoying it then I don't think of other people. I think about topics and things, not people. And when I meet other people then that is a occupied day for me.
27:00 Thank you!!! When I tell this to my friends or my family they say I'm too needy. I've worked on myself as much as I could, but help needs to come from someone else as well after a point.
We are social creatures for Pete's sake!
Dawg. Im more worried about finding a relationship in the first place. My social circle died after hs graduation. And covid put the nail in the coffin for any attempts afterwards. Dr.K, your focused on people falling behind. Im more focused on getting on the starting line.
I’ve been experiencing this exact issue and I’ve found one thing that does help. Give yourself a reason to leave the house. Get a gym membership, it’ll give you somewhere to go. Chat with 1 person every time you go to the grocery store, stuff like that. Small increases to your encounter rate with potential dates and practice talking to strangers. You start rolling the dice more, and increasing your odds.
I came to some of these conclusions then started to backslide, thank you for helping strengthen my resolve dr k
I just don't understand how I'm supposed to make relationships less important to me. It's the entire reason I watched this video. It's the entire reason I'm going through the exercises and writing things down and trying to follow Dr. K, advice. How can it not be important to me?
Dr. K talks about the ache. He's right when he says that idea of that ache never being fulfilled is terrifying to me. How could it not be?
I don't understand how I'm supposed to make relationships less important to myself when it's the entire reason I'm doing any of this. Any time I try to make it less important, the ache just comes back. I don't want to have this ache forever. I don't want to be single forever. I don't understand how I'm supposed to just act like it's not a problem anymore.
You don’t understand because it isn’t understandable. Dr. K isn’t infallible. The only advice anyone can offer you (and the main advice Dr. K offered) regarding this issue is to somehow find something in your life that will distract you from the want of a relationship. For some people that’s easy cause they have things they care about like friends or hobbies. If you’re like me it’s impossible because you’ve lost interest in most aspects of life already. Hopefully that gives you some insight. Just keep trucking along and maybe you’ll get lucky.
Everything we do, we do it because we want a relationship. Everything is about survival and reproduction. Yes it is insane that you have to act like it's not a big deal when in reality everything you do revolves around it. I guess it's not a big deal for attractive people as it comes easy to them. The rest of us have to make as if we were attractive when we are not. It's all insane.
Someone could date you tomorrow and it wouldn't solve your problems. You think it would but it wouldn't. Firstly you'd probably be very insecure or unbelieving of it all in the beginning. You might go way over the top with affection or whatever. A relationship is always fragile and could always end. And even if it doesn't, at some point, it gets familiar and boring and you'd get that same ache again. When getting a relationship is pretty much your entire reason for being, it puts too much pressure on that stranger who meets you and likes you a bit. The best chance of you not being single forever is to give up on dating, focus on yourself, find your own interests and reasons for being. Before then you're not really ready for a relationship. You might think you are, but noone can make you happy if you're not. They can make you happier for a short time, but if you feel unfulfilled with life, a relationship isn't going to fix that. You need life experiences more.
I’ll tell you. Give up on this part of yourself. Embrace the pain. Eventually it will leave you.
I feel pretty similar. I’m older than op, 32, and have actually had some really positive long term relationships in the past, however the pain experienced when it ends leaves me questioning all the time if I want to go through the whole process of meeting someone, learning everything about them, being invested, etc. all for it to not work out again. So in that way I def relate to the op a lot.
37 here, had 1 long relationship I should have ended WAAAAAAY earlier.... (yes I torchered myself by clinging to some wicked form of hope trying to make it work. It was my first relationship and I refused to have to see it fail were before that I couldn't even ever get past the "send 5 text messages"-stage. Never had I expected that that relationshiip managed to break something in me...... Even though 100 women would tell I'm not their type... I hung on to some kind of hope thinking "she's out there somewhere".... That hope died 8 years ago.
I'm glad the old format of the videos are back!
This comes out at just the right time when I'm feeling heartbroken and downtrodden. Dr. K is on point with the upload schedule I tell ya
Are psychologists merely unaware of the influence of physical attractiveness on dating success, or do they believe it to be noble to ignore it?
unhealthy gaslighter gg
@@sp123😂 I love this
Never get up! Chase your dreams!
Its important, and while there is objectivity to attractiveness a lot of people for some reason refuse to acknowledge, its only one thing and is still widely varied.
Attractiveness varies quite a bit from person to person and isn’t the only factor for attraction. Everyone can be a 7 if they work on themselves and put themselves out there. Personality matters and the way you carry yourself, having confidence, being nice etc
I’ve only had 2 gfs (30year old male), the relationships lasted 3 months and 6 months respectively. Asked out a woman who I was sitting next to on the plane and she said yes! We went out on a first a few days ago and the date went really well. We’re now texting constantly. You can do it guys, don’t give up. Thanks for the great advice Dr.K
That's an amazing story! Really glad to see your success
I appreciate the sentiment and I'm sure that you mean well and just want to help, but I wish people wouldn't share success stories like this. They don't make me feel better, they just make me feel like I want to die. The best thing I can do to cope is tell myself that it isn't true, in the way that "nothing on the internet is true".
@@solbradguy7628this thought process is the EXACT thing you need to be spending time on, my guy. What about this comment makes you want to die? What thoughts actually arise? Where the hell did those thoughts come from? I guarantee you if you were age 12 or younger you wouldn’t have had the same thoughts/reaction, so why now? If you just sit and notice these thoughts, it will reveal some stuff about you that you don’t know.
@@rw5622 thanks appreciate it!
@@solbradguy7628 I get that it’s depressing. Trust me, for a year all 3 of my roommates had girlfriends and I didn’t get a single date. Not one, I asked a woman out a few months ago and she said, “eww no.” I gave up on dating as a result until I met this woman on the plane last week. I know dating is hard but the best you can do is not give up and become the man women would want to date. I don’t mean this fucking Andrew Tate what color is your Bugatti bullshit. I mean: workout, be personable, have a job (rn I have a job but it’s not the one I have) but I have a plan on what I want career wise, and be a good man. I don’t mean be a, “nice guy” I mean be a good man. A man with strong morals, principles, and convictions
After facing rejection after rejection for almost every year for the last 10 years I don't know whether to give up or still hope. I realised all those rejections just made me develop self-rejection. Being a short male hasn't exactly helped with my self-esteem either. 😢
Brother you are supposed to learn from it. Write what you see you are doing wrong and improve on it. Read pickup literature as cringe as that might sound. i
If it works it works. Change strategies and see how it works.
Maybe it's because I'm ace, but I think FRIENDSHIP is so underappreciated. Good friends can give you emotional intimacy and support, not to mention hugs! You can still feel disappointed and rejected with friends, but it's less of an all-or-nothing proposition, and getting to know new people gives you great practice at figuring out who you want in your inner circle, and who is interesting for an occasional meeting but not worthy of your time and trust. I also want to put in a plug for making friends of all ages. I have learned SO MUCH from my older friends, and whenever I talk to kids it somehow puts my life in perspective. Plus, a lot of older folks feel invisible, and you can get a big rush just from a smile and a few words when you know it makes their day.
first question: Are you male/female? Second question: Are those friend opposite sex or same?
I think I could rule out one specific combination, because that's not how that combination tends to do things. I leave it up to you to figure it out.
by claiming you are ace you are admitting to being biologically predisposed into being incapable of even begininng to fathom what it is non ace people desire from a relationship, meaning, there is something more in relationships than that which can be rationalized and meet the eye. People arent after friendships, not most anyways. They are after relationships, cause they are inherently different in context and practice.
Your opinion is invalid in this space. You have no idea what this even is about
@@matoiiveyy2005 While I am also predisposed to disbelieve that I'm unable to understand anything, lol, I definitely think the latter part of what you said is true. It took me a long time to figure myself out b/c when I looked at my parents and other marriages around me, I wanted what I saw: tenderness, loyalty, enjoyment and appreciation of each other, teamwork, honesty, trust, playfulness, hugs. I'd still like to find all that with one person 4life, but friendships and other relationships have been really life-changing for me, and I wish I could give every other lonely person the comfort of a few good friends.
@@AwsOm3Fac3It sounds like you're sad and frustrated. I'm sorry, that sucks even if I don't 100% feel what you're going through. I really hope you find your special someone. At the same time, you may wish to reconsider whether friendship and social skills have nothing to do with dating.
These days the advice for men is either "just do basic hygiene/house chores/social life/gym" or "6 figures minimum/CEO/fitness model/[insert political stance]." There doesn't seem to be any in-between that most of us fit under.
This. I am yet to meet a single FA who doesn't wash and take care of themselves. Also, how often are, say, women getting approached by literal hobos, to the point they firmly assume that every man they don't want are undesirable squarely because of poor presentation?
Also, it's hard to buy the narrative of that women are attracted to security and success when you notice that in the old times of yore when there was little to no food security and entire cities were just a potato blight or locust swarm away from dying from starvation, people were largely everything but FAs.
Don't get dating advice from tiktok. A bigger problem I see here is these kids literally have no idea what good advice is, and somehow believe that these are the only two options.
@@user-cv3pr9xg8y Throughout history, only 40% of men have reproduced.
@@user-cv3pr9xg8y unfortunately I’m not on TikTok, I hear this all the time from fully grown adults, both online and in person
It reinforces the idea that if u are average,you are invisible
Its incredible how often Dr. K will release a video that seems to specifically talk about something that has been bothering me lately
That's precisely why I got hooked on Dr K's videos. The TH-cam algorithm would recommend Dr K videos on topics I had in mind sometimes like being 30 and virgin or how to cold approach women. I swear his videos are recommended to me at the right time.
Thank you for this explaination and advice, i really needed this!
Great video❤been struggling with dating my whole adult life, thankfully therapy and staying single seems to be improving my thoughts process❤wishing the best for everyone else with this...its tough
23:20 - 25:50 . You seriously blew my mind here, cause this puts some new contexts on why my last Ex GF who had diagnosed BPD and trauma from previous relationships broke up with me. The fact I was trying to hold onto the relationship with what I thought a good BF should do (mostly nice, with some light negging) might have left her thinking "when's the other shoe dropping?" Until she just fled from the situation after 2 months and 3 weeks.
For me I need to fix my self first before I even have a thought about having a relationship and if that means I never get into one, I’m fine with that.
so valid. the idea over the experience usually is way better. we all have things going on in our lives and so many of us find it difficult to get on a common ground.
This is super helpful, I've never seen anyone dissect it like this, love this new perspective of looking at it. I've discovered your channel from your interview with Steven Bartlett. Thank you for the great content!!
Guys, I actually met someone interested in me, went on some dates to test out the waters and she's really lovely. After 22 years, I tried getting out of my confort zone, focusing on myself and it finally worked. I'm taking my time and going step by step because previous love interests experiences have proved to end badly so I don't want to get hurt again but I'm hopeful and definitely won't let her go easily 😊
So happy for you!
I m glad for you Buddy but just like you said "STEP BY STEP" and one day if he want to live , let her go and i know its will hurt. Just find the right balance between indépendance and intimacy
That's great!
Congrats.
@@lesshuman00maybe where you’re concerned 😅
This is a really good question I've been asking myself since my last breakup. Most of my relationships were kinda boring. I've very often spent time with my SOs, thinking about all the more productive, interesting and exciting things I could've been doing instead. I should get back in the game soon, but I find it hard to come up with a reason why.
Maybe find someone who shares your interests in those exciting things or at least some of them.
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 women don't do that
This man broke down the foundation of my mental struggles for the last 10 years of my life.
It's funny though, every long term relationship I witnessed throughout my 20's that seemed good and happy, almost all of them have ended. So it's given me perspective as to what exactly a successful relationship entails...Jumping into a relationship is only the beginning...maintaining it is the real challenge.
Edit: I also like the fact that he called "bullshit" to the "work on yourself" comment. I've heard that shit thrown around at me so many times and there's only so much you can do without still needing encouragement from SOMEWHERE. So to that I say if someone is telling you to "work on yourself" they are not in tune with what you are going thorugh.
If anyone tells me this, I kindly and respectfully tell them "I do everything in my power to be the best version of myself everyday, and if no one sees that, then they have a false narative of who I am"
This video comes in great time. Got out of a very abusive and toxic relationship last year and since then I've been confused between feeling lonely and not wanting to ever date again.
Get a cat.
Ayy wanna start dating?
(Kidding... Unless?)
Taking your time and spending it to figure your current feelings out could be a good idea maybe.
Whatever u do. Dont date @maddog2314
Red flag😂
when the amydala does a bit of trolling
Gave up dating 20 years ago and I'm not sure why I would go back as being alone at the end of the day brings me such peace.
I wish I had received this advice a few years ago. Being single and not able to get a single date through dating apps made me suffer so much I was suicidal.
Then I eventually gave up on dating apps and felt less confronted by the fact I was always alone and unhappy, this made things a little better but I still suffered everytime I'd see a cute girl or a young couple on a date.
I am currently working on giving up on the entire idea that I'll ever have a relationship but I can't find anything else to make life worth living...
It's a long process, guys. I've been trapped in this for a whole decade now, I hope that you can make it out of there faster than me.
Yeah this is exactly my experience as well. Same length of time for me too, it's been about a decade now. Every time I see a cute girl or especially a young couple or anytime I even think about them I want to die. I've been trying to give up on the idea of ever having a relationship but it's extremely hard. I haven't really tried to find one in several years but the hope is still there. But I'm getting older every day and so many factors just make everything feel hopeless. I'm trying but I really don't know how much longer I can do this honestly.
@@solbradguy7628I honestly wish that food, water, air and sleep were the only things needed for a human being to function but no, we have to deal with all of this bs nonsense because we are "social creatures". If I don't want to have a partner, let me get it out of my damn system then.
@@solbradguy7628yeah same. I'm a girl and I always hear people talk about how it's easier for girls but it's not for me. I strongly believe I'll die alone. I don't know what happened, I used to have hope/ wasn't too interested in a relationship then sudenly I begin to realize it was going to be impossible for me. I'm too awkward. Everytime I see a cute guy not even look at me in class or on out and about I realise I'm not pretty enough. Or a couple I compare myself to the girl. I die inside eveytime I see people. I try to dress well to impress but nothing works and I end up feeling like a dork. Than laying in bed thinking about hurts my heart
Maybe its just me, but this is what I would consider being defeated, rather than anything else.
Even if I could eventually accept such a thing... I don't think I would want to.
@@solbradguy7628Dude.. hit the gym get physically stacked, it will give you confidence and you have to keep swinging till you get a hit. Even if it takes years.. it’s 100% a numbers game.
No woman is going to randomly knock on your door one day and say “Hey wanna go out?! 👩 “ lol we have to do the work as men and get out of our comfort zone and put ourselves out there.. and be the ones to initiate.
Less you wallow in self pity and more you initiate.. ironically the less nerve racking it becomes. Our bodies eventually get used to doing something we do over and over (like working out to get confidence and eventually start initiating talking with women in social settings, and then asking for a number (not a “date” but a number, it’s less creepy off the bat lol). Take it slow approach.
You got this man, but it’s on you. Ultimately the fact we have to work hard for it also makes it that much more rewarding when you do land someone. It’s possible.. trust me, but it’s all on you.
It took me many many years of tries (1000s of tries) and learning and adjusting, working on myself (did I mention work out at a gym? This is underrated) and eventually I landed one from oddly enough a friend request and Facebook message lol, but did get dates from going to various night scenes too. End of day .. I tried and kept taking action.
I’m now been with someone going on 8 years and weve been married for about 1 year. You can do it man, but it’s on you.
God Bless 👍✝️
been watching for a while just want to say thanks for all the advice
luv u bro i get too high a week ago no video helped me but when i watched your video i calm down and my senses get back slowely after that
I’ve given up on dating. I’ve never really even tried before. I’ve asked one girl out, we dated for a few months and she cheated on me. The pain I went through when it happened was something I can’t do again.
Finding your forever person and spending the rest of your life with them is such a beautiful thing, but I don’t think I deserve it. I dived way too deep into the red pill rabbit hole and it completely screwed my brain up.
I took an evolutionary psychology class in college and it basically reinforced all the red pill ideas I desperately didn’t want to believe
@@varnishyourboard evo psych is a joke to most of the scientific community
@@varnishyourboard i consumed a lot of red pill content but unlearned a lot of it. When I dated that girl and she cheated everything they preach was 100% aligned with my situation. Very hard to get toxic beliefs out of your head when you've seen it happen to you.
@@varnishyourboardevo psych isn’t taken seriously by most of the scientific community
@@fiat_ow7876 i hear that bro but what can you do except keep trying, you're a man and you should go for what you want in life it's easier said than done but you owe it to yourself to achieve the things you want and work damn hard to get there. you are absolutely capable of creating the reality you wish to live in, nobody's gonna become a millionaire overnight but with work, failures and setbacks you eventually make progress towards your goals. don't give up bro you only got a limited amount of time here, even if you fail your goals at least you can die on your deathbed knowing you gave it your best. fuck the redpill stuff and just live normally and IRL
I get it now! Finally I understand.
Finding an adequate help, finding a therapist, who would actually diagnose me correctly, moreover, getting adequate therapy, which would have a chance to be successful is just like taking the square root from a negative number.
Tre result is imaginary.
Having Dr.K summarize at the end of the video is helpful for me to make sure I understand correctly the topics he discussed
It makes it easier to break it down into steps and apply it to my life also
i like these longer form videos where you talk over yourself without editing out all the “filler” or sticking to a script, i feel like a conversation is easier to follow than a presentation
I have to say thank you so much to my HG coach, Andre, for helping me stay centered while I navigated new dating experiences over the summer. He helped me see the inflated importance I'd placed on relationships and let go when someone I fell for was uncertain of me due to our places in life. I was able to let go with little scarring and preserve more dignity than I had in previous relationships. Things have rekindled organically since my coaching ended and we're now in a stronger-than-ever committed relationship. It wouldn't have happened if I had fallen into old patterning and shattered trust by projecting my fixations onto my partner. The work I did with my coach meant so much to me. There's so much truth to this approach to dating.
"That pulling pain in the middle of my chest"
Ah, I remember that feeling from 5th grade to around college.
You get used to it.
Then it doesn't hurt anymore.
I don't think I want to get used to this. It hurts so much
It always hurts. You just learn to tolerate it.
Part of therapy is processing and releasing that pain. Many TH-cam comments are whiny losers that found ways to cope but not solve their problems. Often working with a therapist or mentor can help you figure out and process those painful feelings in a healthy way.
@@Naxthuralit does go away when you address the problems, i use to have them for a decade (im 20 now) and it would get so intense id pass out literally or go blind momentarily (also literally). But now I dont experience it anymore, and no its not numbness. Just peace.
No anxiety, no overthinking, no people pleasing, no crushing feelins, etc. Sure you get them time from time when in new experiences but thats life, but its definitely not all day, let alone longer than 10 minutes. And they arent that intense.
When they are, it means i have something new to deal with. And then i deal with it and it goes away. The issue is like Dr. K says, we gravely misunderstand how to approach it and how to think and process emotions, expectations, boundaries, attachments.
They stop as you finish developing entirely and your hormones level out.
Keep the sense of humor your advice is awesome Thanks!
Thank you for making content it reallly is a blessing ❤️
I know that for my case I spent my whole life chasing after relationships and trying be the way I thought would get me into a relationship.
Until I eventually "gave up" and accepted that "it will never happen, so I might as well do whatever else makes me happy", I got into a relationship a couple months after that.
Hey that happened to me too! I’d been doing therapy for a couple of months. Then, I decided that I would do whatever it took to be happy single. Month or so later I stumbled into my current relationship
heyy i did that about 10 years ago and i have now totally accepted it!
I love dates. They are sweet, nutty and go super well with chocolate. They also are great for iron or so I have heard
They're expensive
@@krox477 they are cheap here
Thank you, I heard you talk about it before and really wanted you to elaborate further for better understanding
I'm going thru a 2 yo break up rn because of my partner's depression and how it made her feel. This really helped me to think differently about relationships and the way she was seeing things, and why I wasn't able to understand her pov. Thank you.
I’m gonna be honest, when I heard the advice to stop placing so much importance on finding a relationship, I believed that I already did because I’m not seeking one. In reality, I only just gave up on dating, and my mind still places significant importance on a relationship, to the point where I can only communicate with women that I know for certain that I cannot date, whether it be due to them already being in a relationship or them being an internet personality or content creator. I avoid situations where there may actually be potential partners, such as social gatherings, parties, public spaces, or dating apps, because it’s less painful to turn down 100% of opportunities than be rejected by 99% of them.
I wish my being aware of this helped me, but in reality, I have way too much in terms of personal life and mental health issues to worry about before I can even approach this aspect of my life.
I think a lot of people out there just aren’t built for what dating has become, but want a spouse, family, or other sort of long term relationship which creates a significant amount of anxiety for them. They just want to get to the 1 out of 100 and move on.
Dr.K matching his shirt to the couch in the background is just so next level
As an avid Dr. K watcher, this is his best video for me thus far. And it's not even about dating, really. You can substitute the topic for anything that you value but constantly choke at.
As a 30 year old guy whos never been on a date or had physical interaction with a girl, i used to get attention from girls in my early 20's and i never really understood these signs and sometimes never cared to pay attention. Nowadays i regret not making a single move back then. Now in my early 30's, i actuslly try to make moves like asking for phone numbers who dating is brutal in 2024. I feel bad for Gen Z guys.
That work on yourself part i will never get tired of hearing you talk about it. It is the thing I hear all the time, but I hit a point where I realized that I can only do so much on my own. I don't even know how much improvement I've made that could make that more achievable. That ache you mentioned, I think I hit a point where I subconsciously couldn't deal with it anymore. After years and years of it, one day it just...stopped. Not really happy about accepting things as they are until I die alone, but at least its not tearing me up like it used to.
Daaaamn I can't believe that sonebody feels 100% the same way I do at least according to what you wrote. That hit differently.
@@Haboobz88you are definitely not alone. There are many many people just like us. Somehow this makes me feel not so bad about myself.
Hit the nail in the head doc, this is exactly me, Im gonna use those questions to help next time in therapy
The timing of this video was perfect for me and a special thanks for your story at 21:00 it helped alot and hit me just when needed.
The thing about giving too much importance to relationships is so true even when you're not at the dating stage. I've been in a relationship 9 years and I still have a similar issue of having a fantasy and then being disappointed and then thinking something's wrong with my partner or our relationship. When in reality I should probably focus on the actual relationship we have, on the real person I'm with rather than compare it to the fantasy. And when I do that it turns out there's a lot of good things about him and about our relationship :)
Also thank you for helping me understand my tendency to want to run away. I have a thought regularly about wanting to end things with my partner. I'm starting to see that, since I had a pretty lonely childhood with parents who couldn't give me the care I needed, I'm really really scared sometimes (still, after 9 years!) that my partner will also one day become this un-emotional, un-loving and egoistical person.
After 7 years of involuntary celibacy, Ive actually become quite content being sexless and single. However my ego is in a lot of pain every day. The fact that I am so inferior that I couldn’t attract a woman even if I wanted to is extremely painful. How can I solve this problem?
Read untethered soul by micheal singer
Going on 10 years now for me. That pain doesn’t go away. It just fades enough that you can ignore it. There are ways to block it out, as well. Drinking is the biggest one, but i don’t recommend it. I only drink into a stupor on Valentine’s Day now. I try to fill the void with noise. Music, podcasts, what friends I have, these kinda help.
get together with a man
You can't. Best thing you can do is to practice being content in solitude.
Of course you can. Don't listen to life advice from TH-cam comments. Find yourself a therapist willing to work with you on this. You are not alone in this. There's a ton of guys in the same place as you right now. Don't give up.
Apart from the direct advice value for dating, this video is also a very good parental advice, especially about the last part about the conclusions that our mind draws (I'm often worried about my daughters, and I find Dr. K's advice to be consistently useful).
I believe when a kid that had to compete among older kids gets suddenly transfered to a group with kids of equal age, it is likely that that kid would suddenly perform expeptionally well. I want this to be an encouraging thought to all people: Life is harsh, but you can wrestle useful wisdom from it if you pay attention.
I specially liked how you described abused people, that when a good person starts treating them well, they expect abuse and run away.
I struggle with dating because I feel like my standards aren't very high but I'm always told i'm being unrealistic.
I would like to date a women who I don't hate. And have at least one thing in common with that we could do together. And our lives must be better together than apart
I've been told by many other men that my criteria for dating should be "a women who will look at me" and that enjoying their presence in my life is just absurd.
As a woman I would feel disrespected if I knew the person I was with was dating me just because they could put up with me. Lowering your standards to that degree hurts you and the person you're with. I hope you don't listen to the people telling you that
expecting to have something in common may be too much. men and women's interests are generally different.
you can build shared experiences together
I mean, those standards may well be too high depending on the proportion of women you hate, the commonality of things you enjoy doing and the value you add to people's lives. Eg, if the only women you wouldn't hate is one so absurdly perfect that no one that good has ever actually existed, obviously you're not going to have much success looking for someone who meets your criteria.
I don't think your standards are that high.its just that they are very vague.
I thought I was the only one and there was something wrong me. It kinda feels wholesome knowing many other guys go through this
Make it less important
Dont discount yourself or pick partners you dont really want because of low self esteem
work on yourself
If you have no good experiences/limited bad experiences, its obvious that you have no frame of reference and hence make up fantasies
Plus, its hard to imagine good times (the bitter medicine and never putting anything in my mouth again analogy got me)
Precisely portray problem so you can work on it
Most imp -- dont pigeon hole yourself into an identity. Or fall into the trap of believing that your actions dont influence /shape your life.
They do.
Love this video! Going to keep coming back to this
Thanks dr k
I feel much better ❤
“Ask yourself why a relationship is so important to you”
Because my entire life I’ve hated myself, but the three months two years ago that I somehow found myself in a relationship I actually got to experience self worth for a moment because everytime I would start to feel worthless I could say “well at least someone likes me” but then we broke up and I went back to having no defense against my self-loathing, and it’s even kinda worse now because for a moment there I got to experience a break in the darkness so yeah, it’s pretty important to me and somehow magically suddenly caring less and thus putting in even less effort into dating (because if I didn’t care, why would I?) is only going to give me even less results than I already have right?
And if Michael Phelps doesn’t know how to derive a sense of self-worth from accomplishment then that’s on him. Skill issue. If I won some kind of award like that, I’d never be sad again. Cuz anytime I got sad I could just be like “you’ve got a gold medal, you have proof that you matter.” Honestly, I don’t think I’d even need a relationship at that point if I had that
Medals are worthless pieces of trash. They are a stand-in for human appreciation, but that appreciation comes with terms. If you are self-loathing, that right there is the problem. What do you hate yourself for? What keeps you from going out and changing it? To believe that you are important enough for the universe to make you that one person that is somehow worthless is an arrogance unto itself.
@@Kit-kk9cb medals aren’t worthless if you get them for actually accomplishing something generally seen as impressive and I’m definitely not the only person the universe made that sucks :p
@@redgreen2453 They are still worthless. They have no inherent value, only the value you attach to them. Let me explain it better. If you go to a restaurant and show your medal, no one will give you a free meal. No one will even pay you respects (maybe only to be polite). You may be the best in any given field, people from a different field still won't know or respect you. In other words, there's always more people that don't know you or don't care about you than those who (supposedly) do.
Also, it doesn't mean you have to be the only person that sucks. But it seems like you think you may be unfixable. Thinking that means assigning oneself at least some kind of specialty. But none of us are so special as to be unfixable. We're all just normal people and follow the same laws. The more we work on ourselves, the better we get.