Do you want to know something hilarious? I once had this conversation with my now separated husband. I was talking to him about how I thought certain behaviour was disrespectful towards me, and that it crossed my boundaries. He actually didn't seem to know what I meant by that so when I explained what boundaries are, he *actually* said it sounded like boundaries are "controlling" because you're telling someone they can't act the way they want to! Believe me, I explained the concept of boundaries very well-- he just didn't want to understand. However, I was totally floored by his response. I just don't understand how a person can feel so entitled to act however they want and that they really don't expect anyone to be upset about it? But this is how it is; if I call him out on disrespectful behavior, he rolls his eyes at me or acts in a way that lets me know that he thinks *I'm* the one creating the problem! It's so absurd that I'm laughing about it right now, but it's also incredibly tragic.
His explosion was likely nothing but a smoke screen for what had been brewing for a very long time. You matter!! Setting simple boundaries to care for yourself is essential for our emotional and physical health. What a sad statement of who he is that he responded that way after 30 years of marriage. Blessings Michelle.
I keep running into Narcs, my exes, my roommates, now my landlord. It's a constant battle with them to make and enforce boundaries. They are offended that you would love yourself enough to set expectations of them and then the retaliation ensues with tantrums and punishing behaviors. The thing I can't get is why so many people say they want someone to love, but really all they want is someone to abuse, demean, injure and condescend to. What is the purpose of this? It's like all they want is a slave or hostage to take all their sh*t out on and then have them cook, clean, look nice, listen to them, care and pat them on the back whenever they think they deserve it. You'd have to be a real dunce to not see how off this treatment of others is. They know this is abuse (all of it: verbal, mental, sexual, physical) and they feel entitled to enacting this onto the person they say they love. Behind closed doors and then a hero-face or gentleman in front of others. It's a total lack of integrity and vacant of virtue. I like to say, even a snake has backbone, but a worm does not.
Don't know if this was the right thing to do. But I told him IF he destroys anymore of my things, I was going to go in his garage and hose down his power tools. His eyes lit up in shock. We shall see if this works
Nanny Tucker good grief! mine loves to destroy my stuff. he never admits he did anything. the other day he was angry at me and put a shovel on the floor of the garage right near the tire. thank god it somehow didn't peirce the tire. I guess the shovel just flew under my car. they are so transparent once you know.
Leann, disordered personalities are rigid and lack the flexibility necessary to fully embrace change. When faced with the possibility of losing their supply, toxic personalities can put on a show and make all sorts of empty promises. The change is generally little more than a show. 💜
I was married 15 years to a cheater, bully, control freak! 2nd marriage no kids together. It's final and I've moved out but we sold the house and I have 30 days to pack and purge a ton of stuff to prep for movers. He is a business owner so he is constantly there. He shoots me dirty looks, take verbal cheap shots, Polices what I'm packing etc. I get anxiety so bad I end up leaving. Then he starts texting telling me a need to give a move date, arrange movers, start a donate pile, etc. It's like he is a parent telling me what to do. We are divorced! Why won't he just move on and leave me alone? I just want my things out of there, then no contact. He will not let up! Why??????
Lucy, this is exactly what I'd expect from someone who mistreated you in the past. The Narcissist doesn't change and if they think you are anywhere but in their corner the behavior towards you will get increasingly cold and cruel. You may want to take someone with you as the N will generally behave better when someone else is watching.
Dr Dart I am going through a divorce with my narcissistic husband who mentally emotionally and at times physically abused me. Divorce was his choice yet he is making things extremely difficult for me and my child from previous relationship. He has presented me like I was some monster and he was the poor victim. He did the same with his ex wife. The whole divorce and financial separation will take months from now and I am running out of energy to fight his thwarting attempts. What can I do? I also haven't let go fully as genuinely believed we were united in presence of God and as he had a tough childhood I always felt sorry for him Ps I am separated from him for past 2 months.
I'm in a 11 yr marriage with a covert narcissist.....he now will not spend time with me.....no intemecey......says cruel things and then acts like he never said them.....I am a Christian and in the past we attended church together.....people would make comments about how sweet our marriage was......I felt like a lier and a fraud..... because I knew better. Now I have left my church and I am looking for another one.....BUT....my boundry was he can not go with me.....because I don't want the burden of feeling fake again. He got really mad. Do you think it was wrong to set this boundry. I'm so tired. I just want this all to be over.
What do I do or say if that boundry, which I have asked multiple times in 3-4 years for her to stop is shouting, using a nasty tone with our son mostly when helping with homework? Other times its over silly innocent mistakes any typical 9 year old makes such as grass stains, muddy shoes, puddy on his shirt and on. I have said it affects me in a bad way, makes me sad and angry she questioned that comment and laughed. So much wrong in this marriage I could go on and on.
I have had multiple trauma’s in my lifetime including several toxic relationships. I have a hard time setting boundaries but I’m learning. When you gave the example of what a boundary looks like I had a fearful reaction and felt like I was somehow being disciplined and at the same time challenged even though this was not personal. Why is that? My last toxic relationship was to a malignant narcissist/psychopath and I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. Any advice would be most appreciated 🙏
Great video! Thank you. - However, could you, would you, please go over what to do, when the other person immediately acts agressively…. either yells, attacks directly verbally or indirectly eg. silent-treatment, ignoring and then manipulating the situation, so that your boundry is difficult to uphold. What to do in situations like that?
He always got out of work an hour before I closed my store. He would stop by after he got out and hang out, wanting me to listen to his entire day. This was not a problem most of the time , unless I had deadlines to meet or things to wrap up. I asked him for YEARS to please shoot me a message and ask if it was a good day to stop, otherwise I had to stay late to finish or come in early the next day to catch up. It was like he never heard me. He just continued stopping. I would get angry but not say anything b/c it wasn't worth the fight that would ensue. For months after I left he would continue to stop. I lost my temper one day I said, "you continue to stop without contacting me to see if it's a good day for me , I have asked you to do this for years" He said' I'll never come here again " Next thing I know, he's dating my cousin. I got SO TIRED of being punished. Why did he resent this ? I just don't get it .
its called manipulation and he found a loop hole to date your cousin at your expense... he pretended not to hear your request ( boundary conversation a reasonable one at that - not over the top or disrespectful) - for all you know he was probably setting this up all along having someone in his scope in the wings so to speak in not your cousin someone else, try not to take it personally - its nothing to do with you - its more to do with him - Denise, I am sorry this happened to you the way it did.
I began with my mother than my sister in law now I'm focused on him already started wy first no with him no to sex he got mad no to other things he I'd doing on his own now
By stating that you will not participate in a conversation when you are being yelled at. Put your hand up and simply say STOP. If the person continues restate this and calmly leave the room or house depending on the situation. You can set this boundary at a calmer time when you are not in the heat of an argument. If there is any physical aggression immediately contact DVIS in your area for guidance and support. 💜
Please help! I have been learning these things recently and I've tried to set a boundary with answering phone calls from my mama. She expects me to drop everything and answer. She won't leave a voicemail. She doesn't text so she will just keep blowing up my phone till I give in. I'm not gonna lie I've been gray rocking her because I'm still trying to absorb and understand npd and I need time (to heal and forgive) and she's one of the main persons I need to avoid, but I don't have any idea how to keep doing this long term. She has gotten so frustrated before that she has said "At least let me know your alive" and I was thinking "So you still have your supply at your fingertips? Oh joy"! Can you help me Dr. Dart? Am I doing the right thing?
How do I set a boundary about being invalidated? Either verbal or physical signs of invalidation? What are the consequences of being invalidated through either denial of my feelings or through the physical aspects such as eye rolling etc?
The one person who disliked this video is the narcissist who is wriggling by one's boundaries!
Do you want to know something hilarious?
I once had this conversation with my now separated husband. I was talking to him about how I thought certain behaviour was disrespectful towards me, and that it crossed my boundaries. He actually didn't seem to know what I meant by that so when I explained what boundaries are, he *actually* said it sounded like boundaries are "controlling" because you're telling someone they can't act the way they want to!
Believe me, I explained the concept of boundaries very well-- he just didn't want to understand. However, I was totally floored by his response. I just don't understand how a person can feel so entitled to act however they want and that they really don't expect anyone to be upset about it? But this is how it is; if I call him out on disrespectful behavior, he rolls his eyes at me or acts in a way that lets me know that he thinks *I'm* the one creating the problem!
It's so absurd that I'm laughing about it right now, but it's also incredibly tragic.
30 years and six kids. I set boundaries and he exploded. Walked away like we never existed. Game over.
His explosion was likely nothing but a smoke screen for what had been brewing for a very long time. You matter!! Setting simple boundaries to care for yourself is essential for our emotional and physical health. What a sad statement of who he is that he responded that way after 30 years of marriage. Blessings Michelle.
@@DrDeniseDart thankyou. I so appreciate your work. ❤️
I keep running into Narcs, my exes, my roommates, now my landlord. It's a constant battle with them to make and enforce boundaries. They are offended that you would love yourself enough to set expectations of them and then the retaliation ensues with tantrums and punishing behaviors. The thing I can't get is why so many people say they want someone to love, but really all they want is someone to abuse, demean, injure and condescend to. What is the purpose of this? It's like all they want is a slave or hostage to take all their sh*t out on and then have them cook, clean, look nice, listen to them, care and pat them on the back whenever they think they deserve it. You'd have to be a real dunce to not see how off this treatment of others is. They know this is abuse (all of it: verbal, mental, sexual, physical) and they feel entitled to enacting this onto the person they say they love. Behind closed doors and then a hero-face or gentleman in front of others. It's a total lack of integrity and vacant of virtue. I like to say, even a snake has backbone, but a worm does not.
Don't know if this was the right thing to do. But I told him IF he destroys anymore of my things, I was going to go in his garage and hose down his power tools. His eyes lit up in shock. We shall see if this works
Nanny Tucker good grief! mine loves to destroy my stuff. he never admits he did anything. the other day he was angry at me and put a shovel on the floor of the garage right near the tire. thank god it somehow didn't peirce the tire. I guess the shovel just flew under my car. they are so transparent once you know.
Men don’t change no matter how much they promise.. I always got 2 weeks and then he went back to normal.
Leann, disordered personalities are rigid and lack the flexibility necessary to fully embrace change. When faced with the possibility of losing their supply, toxic personalities can put on a show and make all sorts of empty promises. The change is generally little more than a show. 💜
I was married 15 years to a cheater, bully, control freak!
2nd marriage no kids together.
It's final and I've moved out but we sold the house and I have 30 days to pack and purge a ton of stuff to prep for movers. He is a business owner so he is constantly there. He shoots me dirty looks, take verbal cheap shots, Polices what I'm packing etc.
I get anxiety so bad I end up leaving. Then he starts texting telling me a need to give a move date, arrange movers, start a donate pile, etc. It's like he is a parent telling me what to do. We are divorced! Why won't he just move on and leave me alone? I just want my things out of there, then no contact. He will not let up!
Why??????
Lucy, this is exactly what I'd expect from someone who mistreated you in the past. The Narcissist doesn't change and if they think you are anywhere but in their corner the behavior towards you will get increasingly cold and cruel. You may want to take someone with you as the N will generally behave better when someone else is watching.
1. Keep your hands to yourself
2. No more belittling
3. Don't ever come here drunk
4. Game over and that's why im watching this vido
14 years latter😁
You give some many beautiful and educational content. Great advice and great lessons!
Great litmus test! Thank you ☺
Dr Dart I am going through a divorce with my narcissistic husband who mentally emotionally and at times physically abused me. Divorce was his choice yet he is making things extremely difficult for me and my child from previous relationship. He has presented me like I was some monster and he was the poor victim. He did the same with his ex wife. The whole divorce and financial separation will take months from now and I am running out of energy to fight his thwarting attempts. What can I do? I also haven't let go fully as genuinely believed we were united in presence of God and as he had a tough childhood I always felt sorry for him
Ps I am separated from him for past 2 months.
I'm in a 11 yr marriage with a covert narcissist.....he now will not spend time with me.....no intemecey......says cruel things and then acts like he never said them.....I am a Christian and in the past we attended church together.....people would make comments about how sweet our marriage was......I felt like a lier and a fraud..... because I knew better. Now I have left my church and I am looking for another one.....BUT....my boundry was he can not go with me.....because I don't want the burden of feeling fake again. He got really mad. Do you think it was wrong to set this boundry. I'm so tired. I just want this all to be over.
What do I do or say if that boundry, which I have asked multiple times in 3-4 years for her to stop is shouting, using a nasty tone with our son mostly when helping with homework? Other times its over silly innocent mistakes any typical 9 year old makes such as grass stains, muddy shoes, puddy on his shirt and on. I have said it affects me in a bad way, makes me sad and angry she questioned that comment and laughed. So much wrong in this marriage I could go on and on.
I have had multiple trauma’s in my lifetime including several toxic relationships. I have a hard time setting boundaries but I’m learning. When you gave the example of what a boundary looks like I had a fearful reaction and felt like I was somehow being disciplined and at the same time challenged even though this was not personal. Why is that? My last toxic relationship was to a malignant narcissist/psychopath and I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. Any advice would be most appreciated 🙏
Great video! Thank you. - However, could you, would you, please go over what to do, when the other person immediately acts agressively…. either yells, attacks directly verbally or indirectly eg. silent-treatment, ignoring and then manipulating the situation, so that your boundry is difficult to uphold. What to do in situations like that?
He always got out of work an hour before I closed my store. He would stop by after he got out and hang out, wanting me to listen to his entire day. This was not a problem most of the time , unless I had deadlines to meet or things to wrap up. I asked him for YEARS to please shoot me a message and ask if it was a good day to stop, otherwise I had to stay late to finish or come in early the next day to catch up. It was like he never heard me. He just continued stopping. I would get angry but not say anything b/c it wasn't worth the fight that would ensue. For months after I left he would continue to stop. I lost my temper one day I said, "you continue to stop without contacting me to see if it's a good day for me , I have asked you to do this for years" He said' I'll never come here again " Next thing I know, he's dating my cousin. I got SO TIRED of being punished. Why did he resent this ? I just don't get it .
its called manipulation and he found a loop hole to date your cousin at your expense...
he pretended not to hear your request
( boundary conversation a reasonable one at that - not over the top or disrespectful) -
for all you know he was probably setting this up all along having someone in his scope in the wings so to speak in not your cousin someone else, try not to take it personally -
its nothing to do with you - its more to do with him -
Denise, I am sorry this happened to you the way it did.
I began with my mother than my sister in law now I'm focused on him already started wy first no with him no to sex he got mad no to other things he I'd doing on his own now
How do I set a boundary with a yeller?
Andrea Parisi I tried to set one he started yelling
By stating that you will not participate in a conversation when you are being yelled at. Put your hand up and simply say STOP. If the person continues restate this and calmly leave the room or house depending on the situation. You can set this boundary at a calmer time when you are not in the heat of an argument. If there is any physical aggression immediately contact DVIS in your area for guidance and support. 💜
Thanks Dr. Denise; I will utilize this
You are beautiful and such an inspiration to me! Thanks for the wonderful informative videos and tips!
You are welcome! I appreciate you taking the time to provide feedback.
Please help! I have been learning these things recently and I've tried to set a boundary with answering phone calls from my mama. She expects me to drop everything and answer. She won't leave a voicemail. She doesn't text so she will just keep blowing up my phone till I give in. I'm not gonna lie I've been gray rocking her because I'm still trying to absorb and understand npd and I need time (to heal and forgive) and she's one of the main persons I need to avoid, but I don't have any idea how to keep doing this long term. She has gotten so frustrated before that she has said "At least let me know your alive" and I was thinking "So you still have your supply at your fingertips? Oh joy"! Can you help me Dr. Dart? Am I doing the right thing?
Your videos have given me strength to persevere through a challenging time in my life when my narrasstic ex put me through.
Perfect !!
How do I set a boundary about being invalidated? Either verbal or physical signs of invalidation? What are the consequences of being invalidated through either denial of my feelings or through the physical aspects such as eye rolling etc?