My narc. called it a debate, and would take the opposite side. If I said yes, he would be all about NO, if I said white he would go black, if I tried to be happy, he was all about angry... crazy making indeed.... Thanks for being here.....
Withholding affection, compliments, support in general, or withholding healthy perspective by finding something negative to say about any goal or dream. Silent treatments are then used just for not agreeing to this insanity.
OMG!!!!! Literally you took the words right out of his mouth. He would never tell me anything. He started saying that I always flip the conversation around to about me. What I was doing was trying to explain how he hurt me and what normal human behavior is and he was avoiding accountability. Deflecting and projecting. I've now realized that if I want to figure out what the truth is, to flip what he says around because everything he told me was a lie. It's been over seven months now since I left.
Just saw this video today and it really helped. Trying to move forward after 21 years of exactly what you described. After leaving, just being treated like I never existed and expected by every one to just pick up and move one. This is just the most insane experience. One day at a time. Thank you so much and I also thank God.
Oh my god. I thought I was going crazy. I had finally realized what he was doing a lot of the time but I didnt even notice withholding was a manipulative tactic.
When I sat and thought about it, I have been married to my narcissist for 25years, and I felt like we just met yesterday. Meaning that I never knew him he kept me at a distance during the entire marriage. I never felt that closeness that a marriage of 25years should feel....I felt so lonely and unhappy in this marriage.
Saying "I know you better than you know you" is an insidious and dangerous tactic used by the emotional abuser. No one can know you better than you! No one can know what you are thinking! No one can know what you are feeling! In healthy relationships the partners understand this and check in with each other. Sometimes you have a pretty good idea and might even be right, but healthy people recognize and respect that their partner's internal world is a private and sacred space. Healthy people check out their hunches about what's going on with their mate: "You seem angry to me...are you? What's going on?" In emotionally abusive relationships the victim often finds themselves feeling that they have to argue about their own thoughts, feelings, perceptions etc. as the emotional abuser INSISTS they know what's going on inside you better than you. It's incredibly painful stuff....
Honestly Dr. Dart I have used those words with him Because what I mean when I say that to him is that I know the cycle of what he’s about to do such as the silent treatment followed by the hoover, But I think what you mean in this instance is that they are also trying to say they know what’s best for us too??? I started calling him out on his narc stuff 2 yrs ago And that’s when I started saying that to let him know I know your game plan before you even start it!
Your videos have been very helpful to me. I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years, married for 1 year and I’m so emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed. My husband used to be very attentive and considerate, but over time became more and more self focused. I’m constantly walking on egg shells trying to make sure I don’t anger him or cause a fight. It’s gotten to the point that I’ve developed some health issues that I believe are connected to the overwhelming stress I’m feeling. I’ve come to the point where I think I might need to leave and am making careful arrangements to do so, but all of a sudden my husband is becoming more levelheaded and trying to be more understanding. He’s saying he recognizes he has problems and is trying to work on them. I’m so confused because these are all things he has said before, but I also don’t want to be the one to quit and give up. I don’t want to be unforgiving or untrusting, but my husband has wounded me deeply, over and over again. I don’t know when it’s okay to say enough is enough. And I’m frustrated that now that I’m finally realizing I might need to leave, he seems to be trying to change. It’s so confusing.
I have experienced being contradicted like this many times eg "your NOT hot, youre COLD". My answer back to this behaviour now is "I hope you keep believing what you believe". I repeat that. and then I repeat it a last time with. "I hope you keep believeing what you believe. Don't contact me again, or ill involve the police with your stalking and harssment" as of 3.45pm. 8 February (todays date) (And I keep an awareness about myself, that I don't fit with intolerant personalites. long term or short term), and so I set distance as early as I spot it.
All his great ideas, about what I should to do.... was his 5 minute likes... Next day, he asked me... "Don't you remember what we talked about it yesterday.... That what you like to doing?... But I can't to force you to do anything"... "Nope, that was your idea not my" ...I replied...
My ex husband fits this to a T. The only time I speak to him now is to discuss our children, but sometimes he still tries to pull this rubbish with me. I don't engage in his mind games anymore. Thanks for making these videos, they are very helpful, even when dealing with a narcissistic ex!
I wish I had this knowledge about 20 yrs ago... I would have saved huge amount of moneys and time spent uselessly and getting hurt soo deeply. Thank you, now I can refer my clients to your video and prevent or end abuse in my clients' lives.
Once I said " oh look custard apple " he started blabbering about how I would go insane about custard apple... How I have no control on myself... It just didn't make any sense to me what he was taking about if I utter a word he literally attacks me with his words... Every time..
Carsons mom here! Conversations ARE debates. Ive played the game too. If you say *Oh the sky is so blue today*.. he replies *NO ITS NOT.. ITS RAINING*. *Ok its raining*.. him.. rolls his eyes like Im annoying and thinks of the next thing he could debate me on. I told him one time that I LONG for adult convdrsation besides debating and talking round n round about racing and fighting over stability. Its a hamster wheel of NOTHING
Love this video, never was really sure what he was doing when he'd do this but I hated it. He always made me feel like i didnt know myself or what i wanted or liked.. he would always do this in public especially and people would actually laugh caused I'd always go right back at him to knock it off...sad I thought he was normal, just irratating and always had to be in control...I'll never forget one of my birthdays, he argued with me in front of a waiter cause I asked for a steak sandwich and he said you dont want that.. so I kinda of casually looked at the price thinking why is he doing this on my Birthday...he would never buy two but one of something and make me share, but not before he ate most of it cause I needed to watch my weight...sorry, I dont read long comments, sorry this is long, but you find before awareness there was or not even now is there someone to talk with and understand you. I gave this man 7.5 years and like many of us, he discarded me after I put my foot down on how he talks down to me, hovered about a week, then POOF nothing, when I was the one ignoring him. Almost 6months of no contact #best thing he could have ever done. Thanks for listening
It’s right on the point. Aways Shift focus. Switch something so insignificant during our conversations. Look. Football is on. Look lucky/ the dog is looking at us. Listen. Do you hear something? It’s mind bugling when he does that. It made me feel less important. All my affect took as jock. My thoughts doesn’t resonate with him in any shape or form. He is doing this to minimize my pain. Or he don’t answer his phone. Because he aways in important meetings. He is hard to reach. Very small window for me to talk to him. He purposely made communications are one side of it. Only when he need it. Which is only as informative something I need know. Normally is unpleasant, sometimes insulting the choice he made. Under the conditions that he know I won’t tolerate. He would say. I have to do what i have to do. You should understand. You need understand. Suppressed Me to the level I can’t accept in million or years. I can’t accept what is unacceptable! He crosses my boundaries like it was nothing. So inhuman. It really damaged me internally and spiritually . My body took many traumas as life went on, I drink more to feel better. I drink more to feel good about myself. I self medicate.then i regret the limit I set for myself . But he says. Drink more. You are more fun when you drink. Look back now. I am glad I left. It was hell. He is hell!
I have experienced countering so many times. I did not know there was a specific name for it. I would say “You’re right, you’re always right,” in order to make it 🛑. I ignored my gut 1,000 times and that’s where I went wrong.
Thank you for the information it's been very helpful my guy who I'm no longer with would not make eye contact with me and it would go on for days short answers no sharing and then usually came a big fight or ghost it bread crumbs nothing more I really didn't understand what was happening to me during the relationship until I started educating myself thank you for this this information it has set me free and now I understand my partner has an illness that I can't fix. Everything was a competition with him and the jealousy he had towards me was incredible. I just wanted to love him but he could not receive my love and now I realize he never did love me and he was incapable of loving me. He did me a favor when he ghosted me one year ago. It has been very painful but I understand now why he acted the way he did thank you so much for all your giving us it's so helpful
My ex husband always had to do something else when I spoke and when I finished speaking most of the time he wouldn’t respond and if he did respond he would start talking about something completely different.
Kayleigh Hutchings I can relate. My husband at times walks out of the room while I'm talking. He has even put his headset on while I'm talking. When I'm done talking I'll ask his feedback and he'll say he doesn't have any or say tell me what you want me to say and I'll say it. This is very disrespectful and demeaning.
All of your videos are so my life. My first red flag was before we even got married. I wanted to be a stay at home mom and he agreed BUT when I wanted to talk about finances...with a smile on his face said we will after we’re married. I responded I’m not marrying you then and he said “The f**k your not” 5 minutes later it was like NOTHING happened but my insides were crushed. Fast forward 12 years of marriage the more independent I become(now my kids are older) the worse its getting. I told him to stop calling me a POS so he chooses C**t. Then the nice period happens of I’m never going to treat you that way again. Its more over the top every time now he is putting in the chefs kitchen I always wanted but I know I’m going to pay for it somehow. I’ll never be allowed another gripe because he did something so wonderful for me. The trapped feeling is the worst. I hope every woman that listens to your videos feels strong after. Kindness isn’t weakness and making yourself happy isn’t selfish. Every single day I’m thinking about past conversations and WHY is he doing this to me. What have I done? Thank you for making these videos!!! I feel so much less alone!
Painful and yet classic behavior for this personality type. It was always unbelievable when he denied something happened which was usually followed by, "You know I'm really starting to worry about you." Wow is right 💜
Dr. Denise Dart yes I was told exactly that I'm starting to worry about you and I was also told I'm crazy then I started educating myself on narcissism and I totally stop communicating with that. Healthy person I feel 10,000% better
One topic I don’t see much is info about how emotionally vacant they are. In my fix-it mindset I thought my narcissist partner was just out of touch with her feelings or afraid to be vulnerable.Mine could barely look me in the eye in a loving/Intimate manner. If i ask about her dreams andPlans for the future my experience was- I didn’t get much. I asked her to run through those 36 questions the New York Times published that they say you really get to know someone if you sit down and ask each other those 36 questions. We got through like one and a half and she got very uncomfortable. One time I asked straight out “who are you” and it seem to be a very puzzling question to her. Because nothing direct can ever be answered directly. I’d like to see more information about that. For me this was very educational for the future to never get involved and anyone that cannot express who they are where they want to go and so forth. Of course I was trapped for over four years in this trick and they got I’m finally out and mostly really happy but sometimes struggling to not be angry and hurt and Wanting to lash out in a hostile email..
Lol yep. He thinks he knows me better than I know myself. It plays with your head. Makes you question who you are. I was miserable. Anx yet my heart still breaks. I know I deserve better. It was a 14 year marriage. I left 4 months before our 14th anniversary. He said he really loves me. He doesn't know what love is. Mixed signals with holding love, money and me getting a career. Bug i love you he says... I have learnt this isn't what love is. It's still early days for me. I still get dreams of him and almost seperation anxiety. Because I was so codependent on him. And i get depressed and sad. But i know this is it for me. I couldn't do it anymore. But i did love him. But no more.
Hi Denise, thanks for your video!! Very helpful to me. My story- my husband is a master emotional abuser, all you stated in these videos match EXACT tactics, expect that he ever want to stay in our marriage. All he wants is to GIVE UP on the marriage after HIS emotional abuse on me. And I feel so stupid to be a NICE person all this long time and to had been his toy at his disposal. Also, I feel so angry WHY THESE PEOPLE ARE SO GOOD IN JUDGING A CHARACTER OF A PERSON AND GET ALL THE PERKS OF CHOOSING A CORRECT PARTNER FOR THEMSELVES( LIKE ME, WHO ARE SELFLESS AND END UP FEELING LIKE STUPID) AND THEY GET THE WINNER CARD OF SMARTNESS AFTER ALL IS DOING IS BREAKING RULES OF BASIC HUMAN RESPECTFUL BEHAVIOUR?? I hope you get where I am coming from. Because for me is to follow rules and for hin is to HOW break rules and that proves his smartness and my dumbness. This in between us has become a battle of intelligence ...where moral grounds HOW can be broken and WHO does it is smartness...
Again, I appreciate every one of your videos!! Within the first few months of our dating, he would out of the blue, jump in mid- sentence, in a point I was making. Often, we would be riding in the car, and he would suddenly have to point out something. When I mentioned it to him, he went silent and withdrew. Interestingly enough, this would occur after I had to sit through repeats of tales already told x? I think I married him because I felt his "Lovebombing" (though I had not heard the term before) was SO effective, and I was so needy, that I was willing to overlook what I now see as BIG RED FLAGS. By the way, once we were married, his loving behaviors fell away. I was with him 3 yrs and spent most of that emotionally abandoned, and sleeping alone. Been out 8 months. Whooohoo!!!
One thing that has bothered me throughout my marriage is that he doesn't give me a straight answer as to the time he wants me to wake him up for work and the time he has to leave. He always says its the same time as usual. Which is confusing and useless. Because there has never really been a certain time. He adds so much confusion and does not explain. It's strange because I'm helping him, but sadly He won't help me. Even when it's all for him. After 21 years of marrage, I don't know even know when he gets paid or how much he gets paid. Honestly, I can't explain why I do not know. I also don't know if it's because of him or if it's because of me.
Withholding.... I hadn’t heard this tactic identified, but it is a very common tactic for my husband. I can’t simply ask how his day was. I never get any details.... even when I ask more specifically. I am only asking to feel closer and take an interest in his work and daily life. Your example is dead on! It’s infuriating and exhausting. Do they all read the same textbook? So strange.
Dr. Dart, I was in the process of establishing a friendship with a man and encountered these behaviors including blatant disrespect with a 'I am a straight forward type of guy nonsense.' I ended the friendship.
when asked how2as your day? his go to response was always "just another day' .. it was so frustrating... with holding also comes in the form of with holding intimacy.. 6 to 8 weeks was standard.... I was so lonely.... the worst was when he portrayed raising babies was hell!!! I asked him why he was thinking this way since I was the one who did 95 percent of that part ..his answer was 'DON'T YOU REMEMBER?I THOUGHT I was going crazy because I didn't remember it that way at all... to me what we had was normal ... he would laugh and snicker when the girls were 6 and 8 years old when someone èlse announced the birth of a new baby... it was sad.. he said Ha now it's their turn..good luck with that! I was heart broken he viewed our years so poorly out of the blue... he new family was important to me so when he started this new view on our family it must've been when he needed his excuse to leave... and hurt me on the way out ha
The reason I say "men" is because I speak primarily to a female audience. There are male and female abusers and male and female victims. Some abusive personalities traits are seen primarily in men and some are seen primarily in women. Narcissism is seen more in males and Borderline is seen more in females. Neither is gender specific or exclusive. I have chosen to target my message to women and will continue to use male pronouns for that reason alone 💜
Thank you for sharing Dr! I'm in the process of divorcing but still residing with my covert narcissist also have health problems. GUT problems, imagine that!! Lol 18 years of neglect...I have become awakened and I have begun using grounding, I am also an empath.. I am 50 have been abused my whole life...I am done!!! I now know what I NEED and WANT and this is NOT what I've been living! I want to walk in the woods and breathe in life..Feel mud been my toes....Always looking for shiny stuff when all the good stuff is at our feet! They feed off us, we're are their food supply...Its so heartbreaking! But I thank my narcissist for showing me what I am missing and giving me the strength to WANT to find myself! Thank you for letting me get that off my chest! We can do this!!!!!
My ex used to move my belongings. I spent 8 years swearing I just had something a few minutes ago to tearing apart the house. I thought I was losing it. When I found my flute in the trees and my keys on the garage I confronted him and he got mad at me. A major trigger for me now is when I do misplace something I feel my blood boil and I want to scream.
Very helpful and absolutely true . I never realized it at first but my x would do the emotional withholding of love affection force me to put extra energy into conversations that should be simple . U r right. I’m glad I left him
I'm so glad I found your channel. I think I will be learning a lot. Just got out of a 1.5 year relationship with a man. He broke it off with me. I used to think there must be some brain damage here and thought that is the strangest relationship I have ever been in. I am in my early 50's and haven't gone out with anyone in years, so on my own for a long time and finally opened my heart to someone who I thought was such a nice and caring man. After about 4 months in the relationship he was like a wolf in sheeps clothing. Emotionally could be very cold when he was feeling threatened and I was not able to discuss anything with him. He turned around and put it all onto me. It was all my fault, I was using wrong thinking, I don't know how to be in a relationship on and on it went. Looking back I don't know why I stayed so long. I thought I really loved him. Maybe I was hooked on the pain and mistook pain for love. For most parts I did not know what hit me with this man, but because he was so incredibly helpful and caring at the beginning I thought I must be making this all up. Over this last while via TH-cam I have come across other channels with Narc Abuse Information and Emotional Abuse. I am in for a ride of getting my self esteem and confidence back. At least I am out of the relationship now. Hopefully the rebuilding can begin and some healing on my end, that I will not attract a situation or person like this ever again. Thank you so much for posting this very helpful and valuable information online...
You know the way you convey countering is exactly what my husband was doing before I left him and it's also belittling and it also shows how much self-esteem a man have about themselves if they have to do that to somebody or anyone that does this
This is so true I was always told that I never listen and I couldn't articulate. I was so frustrated that things never were resolved and he would bring them up on our next argument. This was so exhausting. Yes no one could see this and he always looked like he was with a lovely man. I so glad to be out of this toxic relationship so I can move forward as it is very slow for you really don't realize how much damage has been don't until after you have left. These people are pure evil . I hope one day I find a health relationship of respect and love. As now I'm learning to love me and take a step at a time to rebuild myself . This is becoming quick empowering now.
I love it when you explain your feelings and why with facts to back it up. They turn around and say " it is all in your head". Such gaslighting. Experience that with my ex boyfriend that is why he is my ex forever. Got that from my boss which I am smart enough to only do enough work to get by. No going out of my way. These kind of people from what I experience are only fair and kind to those who do not deserve it. They say birds of a feather flock together.
Im glad that you are talking about “withholding” because for a while i didnt think of it as an abuse tactic. I think other people and myself included just think well maybe they dont want to talk about it yet or its too touchy or something similar..but after a while you can feel that somethings not right and it wanst like that in the beginning. I remember being the only one really asking questions and felt as if he wasnt trying to get to know me. That he could be saying more but wasnt...And Basically just getting crumbs like you said. And when confronted tried to accuse me of not being open. I remember specifically asking a question about something he was reading and instead of telling me anything about it he said get it from the library ..... He never made eye contact with me. He was always on his phone like something else was so much more important and so on. Even though they say their listening and so on. And ive also dealt with countering with multiple people Which is extremely annoying and the message is even worse. So Thank you.
Hi Dr Glassmoyer. I have enjoyed your videos. Im new here & I would really like for you to do a video on "Why a Narcissist keeps hoovering a Former Supply & at times goes back 2 them for a wk or two, & then goes back to their Primary Source of Supply? This has happened to me 3 times in the past yr & a half. He tries 2 suck me in about every 3-4 months, once he does that, he goes back to his Primary Source of Supply that he's been seeing for 1 1/2 yrs now. You see, I was his Primary Source of Supply for 8 yrs! Everytime he sucks me back in, after about a wk or two, I find out he's been seeing his Primary Source of Supply also! Matter of fact he even admitted it this last time, something he's Never done! Then he stops talking to me & his reason is Always "I haven't been a very good girlfriend again!" I would really appreciate it if you could do a video on this! I'm ready to write him a GOODBYE FOR GOOD letter instead of texting him because I have Blocked his number! And Ive got some things I want to get off my chest before I do say goodbye because there's No Way I would ever get to say these things to his face. He wouldn't let me finish, I'm sure of that! Thank you so much!! Have a happy Easter Weekend!!
this is so recognisable! A friend I had used to tell me she knew me better than I did all the time. She also used to say she was sort of psycic, she felt what others feel etc. She was extremely manipulative!
After a 6 month period where he moved out of our house, we decided to "give it another try". When he returned, any and all references to his past were before he met me 14 years previous. He never ever mentioned anything we had done together. Only talked about events and people that had existed prior to our marriage. Literally, erasing me. So bizarre.
I have experienced this with my last relationship with a narcissist. it is unexplainable to me how you can share a life with someone and they talk and treat you like you are no part of their life at all, past or present.
what about arguments? Could an abuser use fights and arguments against you? I think my mom is abusive because I'm not allowed to be angry. If she's angry, she takes it out on me. If I'm angry, she gets mad at me for it. If I tell her I'm not ready to talk about what's upsetting me, she gets mad. I'm terrified of her because of this. It makes me feel like my feeling are invalid. When I was younger, I felt like I wasn't allowed to cry. She made me feel stupid when I couldn't do homework. She freaked out when we were late and to this day, I get a panic attack if I'm late to something. I feel like it's some kind of abuse, but I'm not sure. She could just be being a parent. I'm only 19 so I recognize I could be being over-dramatic. She makes me go to church (which I understand), if I want to use the car for school. But I'm not sure I believe in God. I don't know how to say that though because my parents are very devoted, strict parents. And I could say no about taking away my books and the car when I've pissed her off, but I can't. yes, she would take away TV, and electronic device privileges, but I don't care about that. I just can't handle her anger; it terrifies me.
thank you thank you thank you!!! for this video!!! i knew i wasnt crazy... something felt wrong after a while.. deep down in the pit of my stomach!! ... and now i truly know why!!!
I just had this exact thing happen to me. Now I have a label to attach it to, withholding. I asked where my husband was the evening before. His response: I was out! Me: yeah, I know that. But where? Him: I'm a grown man, I don't have to tell you! I don't ask where you go. I was settling for just being roommates but I can't continue like this.
Withholding is painful and invalidating. Hopefully even a roommate would be more courteous and respectful than this. That moment when you realize you deserve better is an important one! Hang on to that 💜
My narcissistic partner started withholding intimacy in a way I can now see in retrospect was designed to cause upset and humiliation. It presented like this; cozy snuggling that looked like it was a pretty obvious precursor to something more then boom, stand up walk away, change the subject. I mean from kissing to jumping up and saying I need to get you some firewood. Or him requesting intimacy then when I put on something nice an immediate 180 degree turn "I'm tired I need to go to sleep". I understand now (via HG Tudor) that this was withholding so I would push or become upset. That would have set the scene for labeling me a nymphomaniac and I guess the firewood was about 'I was just trying to do something for you' cue victim guilt trip. Out of left field I am an aged care nurse with decades of experience so I put it into my own thinking template and concluded "Oh dear the poor boy (47 YO) has pre-senile dementia, I can't deal with telling him this yet." Hence I showed gentle understanding every time and happily moved with the new subject/ plan. Looking back I can see how that was infuriating him. My private thought was that's two minutes of my life that I don't consider a great loss.
When we were talking about different things, might have been only talking about opinions he would get very cold and controlling. I would just as hey what is it with the one up business? He just looked at me confused and did not know what to say then somehow made it sound like it is because of my independence or I am not every bodies cup of tea or what I am saying or it is the way I am saying it. Wow the more I think about this whole situation the more I realize how toxic and how emotionally abusive this whole situation really was.
My Narc mother and I used to disagree about the color teal. She would say it’s green, I would say it’s teal. She would laugh and ridicule me by asking lots of people, to embarrass and shame me and cause me to feel less competent in my abilities to judge simple things. Years later after learning terms like gaslighting, I discovered all of this was intentional and for power, and all about herself, especially how she was perceived. No wonder she would go hours enjoying this.
If I were to say "I love California or anyplace, mine would just sit there like I never spoke! He will say nothing. And I will end up saying "did you hear me?" and his response always is yeah, you said You like California or whatever I just said. Then I say "Well then say something" and he gets the mad face. He always ignores me. He withholds everything on me including the finances. He will get angry over something he did and then act like it is my fault he is so aggravated! I used to think he was very angry all the time and knew nothing about abuse. He would yell so much my ears now ring. He would get in my face and say "YOU RESPECT ME!" It wasn't until a friend said to me one day after I explained some of his behavior to her that he was abusing me. I was confused. I then bought the book by Patricia Evens and found out how many things he does that she mentions. He is controlling and also can act so nice. That is how he fools me and keeps me around. But I've had it and though I'm now 62, I'm going to divorce this jerk. I wasted 19 years with him. Second marriage. I am a good person and guess I'm some kind of target. Done.
My hope is that you come to a place where you realize deep in your heart that abuse is not about you. It's not something you deserve and not something you can control. These tactics are not used by healthy people! Remember, love shouldn't hurt. You husbands bad behavior is on him...no you.
Oh yes your are! You are educating yourself, honoring yourself, having the courage the look at a dynamic in your relationship that is painful and hurtful and NOT ok. Thinking about how to protect yourself and others this person may be hurting. Thinking about new boundaries! Thinking about a different way of responding where you are no longer drawn in. Oh yes!! You are thinking...how convenient for this person to suggest you are not! Hugs Arline!
I wish I could explain better what's happened to me for 7.5 years. It's taken me and a therapist two years, trying to figure out exactly what was happening with him. My therapist also sees my husband. I haven't found anything anywhere that explains exactly what my husband does. I imagine there are others out there going through this though and I wish I could help them.
If you are having troubling defining what is happening you may want to download the Top Ten Signs from my website. www.drdenisedart.com You may be able to identify what your husband is doing as you go down the list. Abusive behavior has many commonalities and it may help to start there.
I was never heard. I did feel confused n sad. He would always say he was being truthful n i would end up crying. I felt like he talked down to me. He would have a snyde laugh n would always say sorry. N yet kept doing them. Degraded me n called me moron, idiot, very verbally abusive n most recent physical. We r no more. With him i felt anxiety n stress. He would always say i was too emotional. I couldnt control my feelings. I was aggressive because i wanted to be close. He was distant n hardly spoke. Would say there was nothing to say. I felt so alone. Worse than being alone. I was very afraid. He would say ge loved me, he was a con.
My narc husband told me 36 years ago “ It ruins the music when you sing”, and claims he never said it. I love to sing, and I can sing pretty well, which is NOT the point. He wanted to make me insecure. I started singing when I feel like it after all that time, and he utterly ignores it. I learned to sing in other languages; he still will not acknowledge that I have any ability at all. He will never, ever, ever give me a compliment. If I sing, he will start lawn mower, chain saw, go to the basement, anything to drown it out. Did I stop? No!!! I became a street performer, and I give public discussions with music, to tell people not to let anyone steal your joy, and to do what you love! Never mind the person who emotionally abused you. Rise and shine!❤️
This is very interesting, my son in laws mother did this to me. She told me what I should feel about something, I just smiled and let it go because I wasn't wanting to get into an argument with her. I see now how her family got to be the way they are, denying any expression of someone else's thinking simply because it isn't theirs.
Can the abuser withhold by saying he feels sick and putting himself to bed for hours every time you bring up something he does not want to hear or discuss?
thank you much Dr Glassmoyer. This video really helped me. I was with a altruistic narcissist. He convinced me that I was the selfish and disordered person and that I deserved being abandoned and betrayed with another woman... This is a description of my ex.
This is an EXCELLENT video. You just described my ex to a T. I just got out of the relationship but I really thought I was crazy. I was so confused and every single thing you described happened. Crazy! Thanks so much. You are great. These videos are so important.
I can relate to your video. I know you're only speaking from personal experience. However, this can happen to men as well because I lived it for 21 years with a very abusive (Emotional & Physical) narcissist/sociopath (Although they appear normal to marriage counselors and judges) . Even now I find myself in another toxic relationship. I have seen too many videos were women portray men as the only one who can be abusive.
Hi Rick, thanks for taking the time to comment. You may be interested in this video where I talk about abusive behavior in both women and men. This particularly channel is designed primarily for a female audience, although if you can get pack the pronouns the information is not gender specific. All the best to you! th-cam.com/video/7a61vlgDHCI/w-d-xo.html
Mine told me I was not SACRIFICING enough in first month of marriage. He would say it to me say that in front of me when he was on phone to friend , acquaintance or his son.
Yes, yes, yes. Is there a devils handbook for these people? How do they all follow the same rules? You must be a fly on the wall in my home. I have been told how I feel. He will say "You dont feel that way, you feel like this . . ." He said its because he knows me so well. He will even hijack my own memories and tell me "that's not what happened" So much so that I began to question my own judgment. The kids would even say "mommy dont you remember". Truely makes me sick to my stomach.
Individuals whose personality is dominated by narcissism have a pretty narrow repertoire of ways of interacting with others. They are driven to get their needs met above all else.
He tells me how I feel. That I am full of hate and anger. And I dont hate anyone or anything, and I am not an angry person. If I defend myself, I am being hateful and angry ??? Or I am crazy if I have a different opinion?
When my boyfriend broke it off with me he sent me a text message 2 days before Christmas. I wanted to get together with him. I told him after all this time you look a woman in the face and tell her there is not future there. He just completely avoided me, but text and said I told you over and over again. I don't know what caused him to break it off, really. I can only guess. And looking back it had been month since we had talked anything about the relationship and there was not ever any mention of an "us". That did no exist in his vocabulary.
My narc would never tell me anything about his day because I was stupid and had no idea how the "corp" was run. But of course when he had a pickle and needed me to "help" him or "fix" his dilemmas. His boss (high level narc) was a female alcoholic as well. In reality he just wanted to keep his "questionable" behavior and "relationships" on the low raider. I learned to stop asking because I would be told I was to stupid...
I've had so many things like this with my brothers and father especially. recently with a guy I met who ended up stalking me online and off (he even moved up from another state just to volunteer at my favorite cafe, just to run into me again??) I hesitated to add him on facebook as there was something not quite right there and when I first met him he even admitted to being a stalker and a sociopath but I figured who would actually admit to that?? Turns out...he would. :D He proceeded to send me text after text and it was annoying. I began ignoring him and he'd even send me texts saying he was going to come to my suburb...just in case I'd be out and about and we might run into each other (I said I had no plans to leave the house and did not take the bait and invite him over), and later asked me out to dinner. On facebook...within two days he'd already followed every single page I followed and began engaging me in discussions and debates on subjects and making assumptions about my personal views without really reading what I was saying, condescending to me and generally being an ass. He did notice he was being aggressive though and said he'd stop and did...which I appreciated. The next day he'd come on to a trauma page I was on and start crazy making the psychologist, who I respected, just to amuse himself. I called him out and then blocked him as I'd decided he was a dick and not worth the trouble. He opened a new account and sent me a message apologizing for behaving childishly...I said ok, but not interested...and then blocked him again. Next day he pops up on my artist page under ANOTHER account, saying he wanted to discuss it with me, and then discounting my final comment by saying "WHere did you get that crazy idea from" (in regard to me saying I was not interested in dating him...he'd asked me out to dinner two days before and was then saying it never happened) This was a guy I'd met exactly twice who was texting me too much and following me on social media and acting like a dick on every thread I was on, then opened 3 accounts in 2 days to try and engage with me. I deleted my artist page and deactivated my regular page and opened a new account under a different pseudonym to lose him. What I find so interesting is that he did not even try and hide the fact that he behaves like and possibly IS a stalker and sociopath??
A narc likes what he does. Hurting. Is his ointment . Opposite to the victim. If a narc/ drunk maniac claims that 'there's a fly sitting on the wall the only thing to do is to consent/admitting to the fact that this is the case. Most likely it's not. Thanks
Yes I never knew the correct word for this. Yet it's witholdingnto me yet shares with everyone else. Yep he picks up the phone and says. I forgot I'm supposed to call so and so. So everyone else knows more about the person. I've lived with almost 3 yrs. Yet it's always my fault.mi used to laugh and talk. Yet now I'm quite and only talks certain times. Because he never listens. I was there for him while he went thru a very bad divorce. Even if for it. Because he didn't have the money. Which was true. Ohmi did not start dating him until his wife had been gone for 16 months. I was his Goddess yet now I his footstool. He is so good at flipping the script. I now know why he made A’s in Acting in College.
I have a question, what is "gaslighting" the reason is, my husband and my sister have had or still having a relationship, he keeps accusing me. Since last year, they have "kept in touch" and he talked to her first about asking me for a divorce. Talking about a slap in the face, right under my nose.
My narc. called it a debate, and would take the opposite side. If I said yes, he would be all about NO, if I said white he would go black, if I tried to be happy, he was all about angry... crazy making indeed.... Thanks for being here.....
Withholding affection, compliments, support in general, or withholding healthy perspective by finding something negative to say about any goal or dream. Silent treatments are then used just for not agreeing to this insanity.
OMG!!!!! Literally you took the words right out of his mouth. He would never tell me anything. He started saying that I always flip the conversation around to about me. What I was doing was trying to explain how he hurt me and what normal human behavior is and he was avoiding accountability. Deflecting and projecting. I've now realized that if I want to figure out what the truth is, to flip what he says around because everything he told me was a lie. It's been over seven months now since I left.
Just saw this video today and it really helped. Trying to move forward after 21 years of exactly what you described. After leaving, just being treated like I never existed and expected by every one to just pick up and move one. This is just the most insane experience. One day at a time. Thank you so much and I also thank God.
There are many abusive relationships not only partners, parents, grown up kids, siblings, bosses and also friends. Abuse is EVERYWHERE!
Oh my god. I thought I was going crazy. I had finally realized what he was doing a lot of the time but I didnt even notice withholding was a manipulative tactic.
When I sat and thought about it, I have been married to my narcissist for 25years, and I felt like we just met yesterday. Meaning that I never knew him he kept me at a distance during the entire marriage. I never felt that closeness that a marriage of 25years should feel....I felt so lonely and unhappy in this marriage.
Never realised the massive countering I've experienced until you pointed it out, thank you so much, this is real education for me
Saying "I know you better than you know you" is an insidious and dangerous tactic used by the emotional abuser. No one can know you better than you! No one can know what you are thinking! No one can know what you are feeling! In healthy relationships the partners understand this and check in with each other. Sometimes you have a pretty good idea and might even be right, but healthy people recognize and respect that their partner's internal world is a private and sacred space. Healthy people check out their hunches about what's going on with their mate: "You seem angry to me...are you? What's going on?" In emotionally abusive relationships the victim often finds themselves feeling that they have to argue about their own thoughts, feelings, perceptions etc. as the emotional abuser INSISTS they know what's going on inside you better than you. It's incredibly painful stuff....
Dr. Denise Dart took me"only" 21 years to recognize I was living with monster...
Honestly Dr. Dart I have used those words with him Because what I mean when I say that to him is that I know the cycle of what he’s about to do such as the silent treatment followed by the hoover, But I think what you mean in this instance is that they are also trying to say they know what’s best for us too??? I started calling him out on his narc stuff 2 yrs ago And that’s when I started saying that to let him know I know your game plan before you even start it!
Dr. Denise Dart my wife constantly claims she knows how I feel and think about things it's so freaking frustrating
Your videos have been very helpful to me. I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years, married for 1 year and I’m so emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed. My husband used to be very attentive and considerate, but over time became more and more self focused. I’m constantly walking on egg shells trying to make sure I don’t anger him or cause a fight. It’s gotten to the point that I’ve developed some health issues that I believe are connected to the overwhelming stress I’m feeling. I’ve come to the point where I think I might need to leave and am making careful arrangements to do so, but all of a sudden my husband is becoming more levelheaded and trying to be more understanding. He’s saying he recognizes he has problems and is trying to work on them. I’m so confused because these are all things he has said before, but I also don’t want to be the one to quit and give up. I don’t want to be unforgiving or untrusting, but my husband has wounded me deeply, over and over again. I don’t know when it’s okay to say enough is enough. And I’m frustrated that now that I’m finally realizing I might need to leave, he seems to be trying to change. It’s so confusing.
I offer 1:1 coaching which can help you gain clarity and a workable plan 💜
I have experienced being contradicted like this many times eg "your NOT hot, youre COLD".
My answer back to this behaviour now is "I hope you keep believing what you believe".
I repeat that. and then I repeat it a last time with.
"I hope you keep believeing what you believe. Don't contact me again, or ill involve the police with your stalking and harssment" as of 3.45pm. 8 February (todays date)
(And I keep an awareness about myself, that I don't fit with intolerant personalites. long term or short term), and so I set distance as early as I spot it.
As I read your comment D I thought of the old quote, would you rather be right or happy? The narcissist wants to be right, they must be right!
"Us" doesn't exist in any real sense for an emotional abuser. There is no mutuality only one up, power over plays.
All his great ideas, about what I should to do.... was his 5 minute likes... Next day, he asked me... "Don't you remember what we talked about it yesterday.... That what you like to doing?... But I can't to force you to do anything"... "Nope, that was your idea not my" ...I replied...
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My ex husband fits this to a T. The only time I speak to him now is to discuss our children, but sometimes he still tries to pull this rubbish with me. I don't engage in his mind games anymore. Thanks for making these videos, they are very helpful, even when dealing with a narcissistic ex!
I wish I had this knowledge about 20 yrs ago... I would have saved huge amount of moneys and time spent uselessly and getting hurt soo deeply. Thank you, now I can refer my clients to your video and prevent or end abuse in my clients' lives.
Excellent explanation of this chaos! Putting words to all the confusion.
Once I said " oh look custard apple " he started blabbering about how I would go insane about custard apple... How I have no control on myself... It just didn't make any sense to me what he was taking about if I utter a word he literally attacks me with his words... Every time..
You really are helping me. Wow it has taken me so long to let go.
i don't give more details to my BPD/NPD about my day because honestly, she just doesn't care. I stick to responses like "it was good"
Fed Up this is a challenging dynamic because it's not safe to open up to people with problematic behavior.
Carsons mom here! Conversations ARE debates. Ive played the game too. If you say *Oh the sky is so blue today*.. he replies *NO ITS NOT.. ITS RAINING*. *Ok its raining*.. him.. rolls his eyes like Im annoying and thinks of the next thing he could debate me on. I told him one time that I LONG for adult convdrsation besides debating and talking round n round about racing and fighting over stability. Its a hamster wheel of NOTHING
Love this video, never was really sure what he was doing when he'd do this but I hated it. He always made me feel like i didnt know myself or what i wanted or liked.. he would always do this in public especially and people would actually laugh caused I'd always go right back at him to knock it off...sad I thought he was normal, just irratating and always had to be in control...I'll never forget one of my birthdays, he argued with me in front of a waiter cause I asked for a steak sandwich and he said you dont want that.. so I kinda of casually looked at the price thinking why is he doing this on my Birthday...he would never buy two but one of something and make me share, but not before he ate most of it cause I needed to watch my weight...sorry, I dont read long comments, sorry this is long, but you find before awareness there was or not even now is there someone to talk with and understand you.
I gave this man 7.5 years and like many of us, he discarded me after I put my foot down on how he talks down to me, hovered about a week, then POOF nothing, when I was the one ignoring him. Almost 6months of no contact #best thing he could have ever done.
Thanks for listening
It’s right on the point. Aways Shift focus. Switch something so insignificant during our conversations. Look. Football is on. Look lucky/ the dog is looking at us. Listen. Do you hear something? It’s mind bugling when he does that. It made me feel less important. All my affect took as jock. My thoughts doesn’t resonate with him in any shape or form. He is doing this to minimize my pain. Or he don’t answer his phone. Because he aways in important meetings. He is hard to reach. Very small window for me to talk to him. He purposely made communications are one side of it. Only when he need it. Which is only as informative something I need know. Normally is unpleasant, sometimes insulting the choice he made. Under the conditions that he know I won’t tolerate. He would say. I have to do what i have to do. You should understand. You need understand. Suppressed Me to the level I can’t accept in million or years. I can’t accept what is unacceptable! He crosses my boundaries like it was nothing. So inhuman. It really damaged me internally and spiritually . My body took many traumas as life went on, I drink more to feel better. I drink more to feel good about myself. I self medicate.then i regret the limit I set for myself . But he says. Drink more. You are more fun when you drink. Look back now. I am glad I left. It was hell. He is hell!
I have experienced countering so many times. I did not know there was a specific name for it. I would say “You’re right, you’re always right,” in order to make it 🛑. I ignored my gut 1,000 times and that’s where I went wrong.
Thank you for the information it's been very helpful my guy who I'm no longer with would not make eye contact with me and it would go on for days short answers no sharing and then usually came a big fight or ghost it bread crumbs nothing more I really didn't understand what was happening to me during the relationship until I started educating myself thank you for this this information it has set me free and now I understand my partner has an illness that I can't fix. Everything was a competition with him and the jealousy he had towards me was incredible. I just wanted to love him but he could not receive my love and now I realize he never did love me and he was incapable of loving me. He did me a favor when he ghosted me one year ago. It has been very painful but I understand now why he acted the way he did thank you so much for all your giving us it's so helpful
My ex husband always had to do something else when I spoke and when I finished speaking most of the time he wouldn’t respond and if he did respond he would start talking about something completely different.
Kayleigh Hutchings
I can relate. My husband at times walks out of the room while I'm talking. He has even put his headset on while I'm talking. When I'm done talking I'll ask his feedback and he'll say he doesn't have any or say tell me what you want me to say and I'll say it. This is very disrespectful and demeaning.
All of your videos are so my life. My first red flag was before we even got married. I wanted to be a stay at home mom and he agreed BUT when I wanted to talk about finances...with a smile on his face said we will after we’re married. I responded I’m not marrying you then and he said “The f**k your not” 5 minutes later it was like NOTHING happened but my insides were crushed. Fast forward 12 years of marriage the more independent I become(now my kids are older) the worse its getting. I told him to stop calling me a POS so he chooses C**t. Then the nice period happens of I’m never going to treat you that way again. Its more over the top every time now he is putting in the chefs kitchen I always wanted but I know I’m going to pay for it somehow. I’ll never be allowed another gripe because he did something so wonderful for me. The trapped feeling is the worst. I hope every woman that listens to your videos feels strong after. Kindness isn’t weakness and making yourself happy isn’t selfish. Every single day I’m thinking about past conversations and WHY is he doing this to me. What have I done? Thank you for making these videos!!! I feel so much less alone!
Painful and yet classic behavior for this personality type. It was always unbelievable when he denied something happened which was usually followed by, "You know I'm really starting to worry about you." Wow is right 💜
...they are worrying about to not loose their victims... They spent so time to get...
Dr. Denise Dart yes I was told exactly that I'm starting to worry about you and I was also told I'm crazy then I started educating myself on narcissism and I totally stop communicating with that. Healthy person I feel 10,000% better
One topic I don’t see much is info about how emotionally vacant they are. In my fix-it mindset I thought my narcissist partner was just out of touch with her feelings or afraid to be vulnerable.Mine could barely look me in the eye in a loving/Intimate manner. If i ask about her dreams andPlans for the future my experience was- I didn’t get much. I asked her to run through those 36 questions the New York Times published that they say you really get to know someone if you sit down and ask each other those 36 questions. We got through like one and a half and she got very uncomfortable.
One time I asked straight out “who are you” and it seem to be a very puzzling question to her. Because nothing direct can ever be answered directly. I’d like to see more information about that. For me this was very educational for the future to never get involved and anyone that cannot express who they are where they want to go and so forth. Of course I was trapped for over four years in this trick and they got I’m finally out and mostly really happy but sometimes struggling to not be angry and hurt and Wanting to lash out in a hostile email..
Lol yep. He thinks he knows me better than I know myself. It plays with your head. Makes you question who you are. I was miserable. Anx yet my heart still breaks. I know I deserve better. It was a 14 year marriage. I left 4 months before our 14th anniversary.
He said he really loves me. He doesn't know what love is. Mixed signals with holding love, money and me getting a career.
Bug i love you he says... I have learnt this isn't what love is.
It's still early days for me. I still get dreams of him and almost seperation anxiety. Because I was so codependent on him. And i get depressed and sad. But i know this is it for me. I couldn't do it anymore. But i did love him. But no more.
Hi Denise, thanks for your video!! Very helpful to me. My story- my husband is a master emotional abuser, all you stated in these videos match EXACT tactics, expect that he ever want to stay in our marriage. All he wants is to GIVE UP on the marriage after HIS emotional abuse on me. And I feel so stupid to be a NICE person all this long time and to had been his toy at his disposal.
Also, I feel so angry WHY THESE PEOPLE ARE SO GOOD IN JUDGING A CHARACTER OF A PERSON AND GET ALL THE PERKS OF CHOOSING A CORRECT PARTNER FOR THEMSELVES( LIKE ME, WHO ARE SELFLESS AND END UP FEELING LIKE STUPID) AND THEY GET THE WINNER CARD OF SMARTNESS AFTER ALL IS DOING IS BREAKING RULES OF BASIC HUMAN RESPECTFUL BEHAVIOUR??
I hope you get where I am coming from. Because for me is to follow rules and for hin is to HOW break rules and that proves his smartness and my dumbness. This in between us has become a battle of intelligence ...where moral grounds HOW can be broken and WHO does it is smartness...
Again, I appreciate every one of your videos!! Within the first few months of our dating, he would out of the blue, jump in mid- sentence, in a point I was making. Often, we would be riding in the car, and he would suddenly have to point out something. When I mentioned it to him, he went silent and withdrew. Interestingly enough, this would occur after I had to sit through repeats of tales already told x? I think I married him because I felt his "Lovebombing" (though I had not heard the term before) was SO effective, and I was so needy, that I was willing to overlook what I now see as BIG RED FLAGS. By the way, once we were married, his loving behaviors fell away. I was with him 3 yrs and spent most of that emotionally abandoned, and sleeping alone. Been out 8 months. Whooohoo!!!
One thing that has bothered me throughout my marriage is that he doesn't give me a straight answer as to the time he wants me to wake him up for work and the time he has to leave. He always says its the same time as usual. Which is confusing and useless. Because there has never really been a certain time. He adds so much confusion and does not explain. It's strange because I'm helping him, but sadly He won't help me. Even when it's all for him.
After 21 years of marrage, I don't know even know when he gets paid or how much he gets paid. Honestly, I can't explain why I do not know. I also don't know if it's because of him or if it's because of me.
countering is the thing that finally got me. When combined with gaslighting, it's quite the 1-2 punch, hardly noticed at the time, powerfully present.
Withholding.... I hadn’t heard this tactic identified, but it is a very common tactic for my husband. I can’t simply ask how his day was. I never get any details.... even when I ask more specifically. I am only asking to feel closer and take an interest in his work and daily life. Your example is dead on! It’s infuriating and exhausting. Do they all read the same textbook? So strange.
Dr. Dart, I was in the process of establishing a friendship with a man and encountered these behaviors including blatant disrespect with a 'I am a straight forward type of guy nonsense.' I ended the friendship.
Thanks you from the depths of my soul for your helpful videos. these have been by far the most concrete, comprehensive videos I have seen yet.
You're welcome! I feel called to share this message. It's important to me and definitely from the heart. Thank you for your kind feedback 💜
when asked how2as your day? his go to response was always "just another day' .. it was so frustrating... with holding also comes in the form of with holding intimacy.. 6 to 8 weeks was standard.... I was so lonely.... the worst was when he portrayed raising babies was hell!!! I asked him why he was thinking this way since I was the one who did 95 percent of that part ..his answer was 'DON'T YOU REMEMBER?I THOUGHT I was going crazy because I didn't remember it that way at all... to me what we had was normal ... he would laugh and snicker when the girls were 6 and 8 years old when someone èlse announced the birth of a new baby... it was sad.. he said Ha now it's their turn..good luck with that! I was heart broken he viewed our years so poorly out of the blue... he new family was important to me so when he started this new view on our family it must've been when he needed his excuse to leave... and hurt me on the way out ha
The reason I say "men" is because I speak primarily to a female audience. There are male and female abusers and male and female victims. Some abusive personalities traits are seen primarily in men and some are seen primarily in women. Narcissism is seen more in males and Borderline is seen more in females. Neither is gender specific or exclusive. I have chosen to target my message to women and will continue to use male pronouns for that reason alone 💜
My husband would withhold his love and affection from me and also sex to try to control me. He wanted everything to he his way. I felt invisible.
One of the best videos on the subject. Thank you
Thank you for sharing Dr! I'm in the process of divorcing but still residing with my covert narcissist also have health problems. GUT problems, imagine that!! Lol 18 years of neglect...I have become awakened and I have begun using grounding, I am also an empath.. I am 50 have been abused my whole life...I am done!!! I now know what I NEED and WANT and this is NOT what I've been living! I want to walk in the woods and breathe in life..Feel mud been my toes....Always looking for shiny stuff when all the good stuff is at our feet! They feed off us, we're are their food supply...Its so heartbreaking! But I thank my narcissist for showing me what I am missing and giving me the strength to WANT to find myself! Thank you for letting me get that off my chest! We can do this!!!!!
My ex used to move my belongings. I spent 8 years swearing I just had something a few minutes ago to tearing apart the house. I thought I was losing it. When I found my flute in the trees and my keys on the garage I confronted him and he got mad at me. A major trigger for me now is when I do misplace something I feel my blood boil and I want to scream.
The beginning was like you were describing my life. Thank you for this.
Very helpful and absolutely true . I never realized it at first but my x would do the emotional withholding of love affection force me to put extra energy into conversations that should be simple . U r right. I’m glad I left him
Yes, you’re so right on.
THANK YOU!
Extremely helpful video thank you very much I was once in a very unhealthy very toxic relationship and I'm gone thank God
I'm so glad I found your channel. I think I will be learning a lot. Just got out of a 1.5 year relationship with a man. He broke it off with me. I used to think there must be some brain damage here and thought that is the strangest relationship I have ever been in. I am in my early 50's and haven't gone out with anyone in years, so on my own for a long time and finally opened my heart to someone who I thought was such a nice and caring man. After about 4 months in the relationship he was like a wolf in sheeps clothing. Emotionally could be very cold when he was feeling threatened and I was not able to discuss anything with him. He turned around and put it all onto me. It was all my fault, I was using wrong thinking, I don't know how to be in a relationship on and on it went. Looking back I don't know why I stayed so long. I thought I really loved him. Maybe I was hooked on the pain and mistook pain for love. For most parts I did not know what hit me with this man, but because he was so incredibly helpful and caring at the beginning I thought I must be making this all up. Over this last while via TH-cam I have come across other channels with Narc Abuse Information and Emotional Abuse. I am in for a ride of getting my self esteem and confidence back. At least I am out of the relationship now. Hopefully the rebuilding can begin and some healing on my end, that I will not attract a situation or person like this ever again. Thank you so much for posting this very helpful and valuable information online...
You know the way you convey countering is exactly what my husband was doing before I left him and it's also belittling and it also shows how much self-esteem a man have about themselves if they have to do that to somebody or anyone that does this
Thanks Rob for taking the time to leave feedback. Sounds like you've set some healthy boundaries and are taking care of yourself.
Everything you say in all of your videos is my life.
This is so true I was always told that I never listen and I couldn't articulate. I was so frustrated that things never were resolved and he would bring them up on our next argument. This was so exhausting. Yes no one could see this and he always looked like he was with a lovely man. I so glad to be out of this toxic relationship so I can move forward as it is very slow for you really don't realize how much damage has been don't until after you have left. These people are pure evil . I hope one day I find a health relationship of respect and love. As now I'm learning to love me and take a step at a time to rebuild myself . This is becoming quick empowering now.
Wow! Spot on from my abuser! Wow! Thank you. These videos help so much.
Happy to help Crystal! Thanks for taking the time to leave feedback.
I love it when you explain your feelings and why with facts to back it up. They turn around and say " it is all in your head". Such gaslighting. Experience that with my ex boyfriend that is why he is my ex forever. Got that from my boss which I am smart enough to only do enough work to get by. No going out of my way. These kind of people from what I experience are only fair and kind to those who do not deserve it. They say birds of a feather flock together.
This is soooooo true...I've gone though this and have for so long. I'm sick of it!
Im glad that you are talking about “withholding” because for a while i didnt think of it as an abuse tactic. I think other people and myself included just think well maybe they dont want to talk about it yet or its too touchy or something similar..but after a while you can feel that somethings not right and it wanst like that in the beginning. I remember being the only one really asking questions and felt as if he wasnt trying to get to know me. That he could be saying more but wasnt...And Basically just getting crumbs like you said. And when confronted tried to accuse me of not being open. I remember specifically asking a question about something he was reading and instead of telling me anything about it he said get it from the library ..... He never made eye contact with me. He was always on his phone like something else was so much more important and so on. Even though they say their listening and so on. And ive also dealt with countering with multiple people Which is extremely annoying and the message is even worse. So Thank you.
Thank you!💛
Hi Dr Glassmoyer. I have enjoyed your videos. Im new here & I would really like for you to do a video on "Why a Narcissist keeps hoovering a Former Supply & at times goes back 2 them for a wk or two, & then goes back to their Primary Source of Supply? This has happened to me 3 times in the past yr & a half. He tries 2 suck me in about every 3-4 months, once he does that, he goes back to his Primary Source of Supply that he's been seeing for 1 1/2 yrs now. You see, I was his Primary Source of Supply for 8 yrs! Everytime he sucks me back in, after about a wk or two, I find out he's been seeing his Primary Source of Supply also! Matter of fact he even admitted it this last time, something he's Never done! Then he stops talking to me & his reason is Always "I haven't been a very good girlfriend again!" I would really appreciate it if you could do a video on this! I'm ready to write him a GOODBYE FOR GOOD letter instead of texting him because I have Blocked his number! And Ive got some things I want to get off my chest before I do say goodbye because there's No Way I would ever get to say these things to his face. He wouldn't let me finish, I'm sure of that! Thank you so much!! Have a happy Easter Weekend!!
this is so recognisable! A friend I had used to tell me she knew me better than I did all the time. She also used to say she was sort of psycic, she felt what others feel etc. She was extremely manipulative!
Describes Nex to a "T" Argue for the sake of arguing, with held any affection, real communication, because "didn't "chase me (him) enough".
After a 6 month period where he moved out of our house, we decided to "give it another try". When he returned, any and all references to his past were before he met me 14 years previous. He never ever mentioned anything we had done together. Only talked about events and people that had existed prior to our marriage. Literally, erasing me. So bizarre.
I have experienced this with my last relationship with a narcissist. it is unexplainable to me how you can share a life with someone and they talk and treat you like you are no part of their life at all, past or present.
what about arguments? Could an abuser use fights and arguments against you? I think my mom is abusive because I'm not allowed to be angry. If she's angry, she takes it out on me. If I'm angry, she gets mad at me for it. If I tell her I'm not ready to talk about what's upsetting me, she gets mad. I'm terrified of her because of this. It makes me feel like my feeling are invalid. When I was younger, I felt like I wasn't allowed to cry. She made me feel stupid when I couldn't do homework. She freaked out when we were late and to this day, I get a panic attack if I'm late to something. I feel like it's some kind of abuse, but I'm not sure. She could just be being a parent. I'm only 19 so I recognize I could be being over-dramatic. She makes me go to church (which I understand), if I want to use the car for school. But I'm not sure I believe in God. I don't know how to say that though because my parents are very devoted, strict parents. And I could say no about taking away my books and the car when I've pissed her off, but I can't. yes, she would take away TV, and electronic device privileges, but I don't care about that. I just can't handle her anger; it terrifies me.
thank you thank you thank you!!! for this video!!! i knew i wasnt crazy... something felt wrong after a while.. deep down in the pit
of my stomach!! ... and now i truly know why!!!
I just had this exact thing happen to me. Now I have a label to attach it to, withholding. I asked where my husband was the evening before. His response: I was out! Me: yeah, I know that. But where? Him: I'm a grown man, I don't have to tell you! I don't ask where you go. I was settling for just being roommates but I can't continue like this.
Withholding is painful and invalidating. Hopefully even a roommate would be more courteous and respectful than this. That moment when you realize you deserve better is an important one! Hang on to that 💜
My husband always counter argues with a reason why his behavior is my fault.
My narcissistic partner started withholding intimacy in a way I can now see in retrospect was designed to cause upset and humiliation. It presented like this; cozy snuggling that looked like it was a pretty obvious precursor to something more then boom, stand up walk away, change the subject. I mean from kissing to jumping up and saying I need to get you some firewood. Or him requesting intimacy then when I put on something nice an immediate 180 degree turn "I'm tired I need to go to sleep". I understand now (via HG Tudor) that this was withholding so I would push or become upset. That would have set the scene for labeling me a nymphomaniac and I guess the firewood was about 'I was just trying to do something for you' cue victim guilt trip. Out of left field I am an aged care nurse with decades of experience so I put it into my own thinking template and concluded "Oh dear the poor boy (47 YO) has pre-senile dementia, I can't deal with telling him this yet." Hence I showed gentle understanding every time and happily moved with the new subject/ plan. Looking back I can see how that was infuriating him. My private thought was that's two minutes of my life that I don't consider a great loss.
When we were talking about different things, might have been only talking about opinions he would get very cold and controlling. I would just as hey what is it with the one up business? He just looked at me confused and did not know what to say then somehow made it sound like it is because of my independence or I am not every bodies cup of tea or what I am saying or it is the way I am saying it. Wow the more I think about this whole situation the more I realize how toxic and how emotionally abusive this whole situation really was.
My Narc mother and I used to disagree about the color teal. She would say it’s green, I would say it’s teal. She would laugh and ridicule me by asking lots of people, to embarrass and shame me and cause me to feel less competent in my abilities to judge simple things.
Years later after learning terms like gaslighting, I discovered all of this was intentional and for power, and all about herself, especially how she was perceived. No wonder she would go hours enjoying this.
If I were to say "I love California or anyplace, mine would just sit there like I never spoke! He will say nothing. And I will end up saying "did you hear me?" and his response always is yeah, you said You like California or whatever I just said. Then I say "Well then say something" and he gets the mad face. He always ignores me. He withholds everything on me including the finances. He will get angry over something he did and then act like it is my fault he is so aggravated! I used to think he was very angry all the time and knew nothing about abuse. He would yell so much my ears now ring. He would get in my face and say "YOU RESPECT ME!" It wasn't until a friend said to me one day after I explained some of his behavior to her that he was abusing me. I was confused. I then bought the book by Patricia Evens and found out how many things he does that she mentions. He is controlling and also can act so nice. That is how he fools me and keeps me around. But I've had it and though I'm now 62, I'm going to divorce this jerk. I wasted 19 years with him. Second marriage. I am a good person and guess I'm some kind of target. Done.
I think it can happen in working situations , as well as in relationships.
My husband does this but I never thought anything of it. I thought it was my issue.
My hope is that you come to a place where you realize deep in your heart that abuse is not about you. It's not something you deserve and not something you can control. These tactics are not used by healthy people! Remember, love shouldn't hurt. You husbands bad behavior is on him...no you.
He said. There you go thinking again
Oh yes your are! You are educating yourself, honoring yourself, having the courage the look at a dynamic in your relationship that is painful and hurtful and NOT ok. Thinking about how to protect yourself and others this person may be hurting. Thinking about new boundaries! Thinking about a different way of responding where you are no longer drawn in. Oh yes!! You are thinking...how convenient for this person to suggest you are not! Hugs Arline!
I wish I could explain better what's happened to me for 7.5 years. It's taken me and a therapist two years, trying to figure out exactly what was happening with him. My therapist also sees my husband. I haven't found anything anywhere that explains exactly what my husband does. I imagine there are others out there going through this though and I wish I could help them.
If you are having troubling defining what is happening you may want to download the Top Ten Signs from my website. www.drdenisedart.com
You may be able to identify what your husband is doing as you go down the list. Abusive behavior has many commonalities and it may help to start there.
I was never heard. I did feel confused n sad. He would always say he was being truthful n i would end up crying. I felt like he talked down to me. He would have a snyde laugh n would always say sorry. N yet kept doing them. Degraded me n called me moron, idiot, very verbally abusive n most recent physical. We r no more. With him i felt anxiety n stress. He would always say i was too emotional. I couldnt control my feelings. I was aggressive because i wanted to be close. He was distant n hardly spoke. Would say there was nothing to say. I felt so alone. Worse than being alone. I was very afraid. He would say ge loved me, he was a con.
My narc husband told me 36 years ago “ It ruins the music when you sing”, and claims he never said it. I love to sing, and I can sing pretty well, which is NOT the point. He wanted to make me insecure. I started singing when I feel like it after all that time, and he utterly ignores it. I learned to sing in other languages; he still will not acknowledge that I have any ability at all. He will never, ever, ever give me a compliment. If I sing, he will start lawn mower, chain saw, go to the basement, anything to drown it out. Did I stop? No!!! I became a street performer, and I give public discussions with music, to tell people not to let anyone steal your joy, and to do what you love! Never mind the person who emotionally abused you. Rise and shine!❤️
Way to go! Sounds like you not only found your joy but are sharing it with others!
This is very interesting, my son in laws mother did this to me. She told me what I should feel about something, I just smiled and let it go because I wasn't wanting to get into an argument with her. I see now how her family got to be the way they are, denying any expression of someone else's thinking simply because it isn't theirs.
I said something about the time I offered to help him pay something off and he denied it happened
Thank you so much from the the bottom of my heart
Can the abuser withhold by saying he feels sick and putting himself to bed for hours every time you bring up something he does not want to hear or discuss?
thank you much Dr Glassmoyer. This video really helped me. I was with a altruistic narcissist. He convinced me that I was the selfish and disordered person and that I deserved being abandoned and betrayed with another woman... This is a description of my ex.
This is an EXCELLENT video. You just described my ex to a T. I just got out of the relationship but I really thought I was crazy. I was so confused and every single thing you described happened. Crazy! Thanks so much. You are great. These videos are so important.
Shit !! Story of my life !!! Please people watch this and spread this, before anybody’s life is destroyed like mine!! Thanks for uploading this video
I can relate to your video. I know you're only speaking from personal experience. However, this can happen to men as well because I lived it for 21 years with a very abusive (Emotional & Physical) narcissist/sociopath (Although they appear normal to marriage counselors and judges) . Even now I find myself in another toxic relationship. I have seen too many videos were women portray men as the only one who can be abusive.
Hi Rick, thanks for taking the time to comment. You may be interested in this video where I talk about abusive behavior in both women and men. This particularly channel is designed primarily for a female audience, although if you can get pack the pronouns the information is not gender specific. All the best to you! th-cam.com/video/7a61vlgDHCI/w-d-xo.html
If I feel like I am being demeaned, I am being demeaned.
Mine told me I was not SACRIFICING enough in first month of marriage. He would say it to me say that in front of me when he was on phone to friend , acquaintance or his son.
Have you got a video like this but for abusive ladies as I think my ex gf was like this
This is my first time meeting you:)
Wow and I have this book!
I jumped from frying pan to the FIRE!
Yes, yes, yes. Is there a devils handbook for these people? How do they all follow the same rules? You must be a fly on the wall in my home. I have been told how I feel. He will say "You dont feel that way, you feel like this . . ." He said its because he knows me so well. He will even hijack my own memories and tell me "that's not what happened" So much so that I began to question my own judgment. The kids would even say "mommy dont you remember". Truely makes me sick to my stomach.
Thank you
I WISH I KNEW A looooooong time. once you know, they are ALL CLONES
Individuals whose personality is dominated by narcissism have a pretty narrow repertoire of ways of interacting with others. They are driven to get their needs met above all else.
He tells me how I feel. That I am full of hate and anger. And I dont hate anyone or anything, and I am not an angry person. If I defend myself, I am being hateful and angry ??? Or I am crazy if I have a different opinion?
When my boyfriend broke it off with me he sent me a text message 2 days before Christmas. I wanted to get together with him. I told him after all this time you look a woman in the face and tell her there is not future there. He just completely avoided me, but text and said I told you over and over again. I don't know what caused him to break it off, really. I can only guess. And looking back it had been month since we had talked anything about the relationship and there was not ever any mention of an "us". That did no exist in his vocabulary.
My narc would never tell me anything about his day because I was stupid and had no idea how the "corp" was run. But of course when he had a pickle and needed me to "help" him or "fix" his dilemmas. His boss (high level narc) was a female alcoholic as well. In reality he just wanted to keep his "questionable" behavior and "relationships" on the low raider. I learned to stop asking because I would be told I was to stupid...
I've had so many things like this with my brothers and father especially. recently with a guy I met who ended up stalking me online and off (he even moved up from another state just to volunteer at my favorite cafe, just to run into me again??) I hesitated to add him on facebook as there was something not quite right there and when I first met him he even admitted to being a stalker and a sociopath but I figured who would actually admit to that?? Turns out...he would. :D
He proceeded to send me text after text and it was annoying. I began ignoring him and he'd even send me texts saying he was going to come to my suburb...just in case I'd be out and about and we might run into each other (I said I had no plans to leave the house and did not take the bait and invite him over), and later asked me out to dinner. On facebook...within two days he'd already followed every single page I followed and began engaging me in discussions and debates on subjects and making assumptions about my personal views without really reading what I was saying, condescending to me and generally being an ass. He did notice he was being aggressive though and said he'd stop and did...which I appreciated.
The next day he'd come on to a trauma page I was on and start crazy making the psychologist, who I respected, just to amuse himself. I called him out and then blocked him as I'd decided he was a dick and not worth the trouble. He opened a new account and sent me a message apologizing for behaving childishly...I said ok, but not interested...and then blocked him again. Next day he pops up on my artist page under ANOTHER account, saying he wanted to discuss it with me, and then discounting my final comment by saying "WHere did you get that crazy idea from" (in regard to me saying I was not interested in dating him...he'd asked me out to dinner two days before and was then saying it never happened)
This was a guy I'd met exactly twice who was texting me too much and following me on social media and acting like a dick on every thread I was on, then opened 3 accounts in 2 days to try and engage with me. I deleted my artist page and deactivated my regular page and opened a new account under a different pseudonym to lose him. What I find so interesting is that he did not even try and hide the fact that he behaves like and possibly IS a stalker and sociopath??
What is the abuser's motive in doing this?
A narc likes what he does. Hurting. Is his ointment . Opposite to the victim. If a narc/ drunk maniac claims that 'there's a fly sitting on the wall the only thing to do is to consent/admitting to the fact that this is the case. Most likely it's not. Thanks
What if you want to leave this person but can't go no contact because child custody will be shared -any advice?
Yes I never knew the correct word for this. Yet it's witholdingnto me yet shares with everyone else. Yep he picks up the phone and says. I forgot I'm supposed to call so and so. So everyone else knows more about the person. I've lived with almost 3 yrs. Yet it's always my fault.mi used to laugh and talk. Yet now I'm quite and only talks certain times. Because he never listens. I was there for him while he went thru a very bad divorce. Even if for it. Because he didn't have the money. Which was true. Ohmi did not start dating him until his wife had been gone for 16 months. I was his Goddess yet now I his footstool. He is so good at flipping the script. I now know why he made A’s in Acting in College.
Omg! So on point. Can a person be both? Thank you.
Absolutely! 💜
Oh yes! Exactly
I have a question, what is "gaslighting" the reason is, my husband and my sister have had or still having a relationship, he keeps accusing me. Since last year, they have "kept in touch" and he talked to her first about asking me for a divorce. Talking about a slap in the face, right under my nose.