4 Common mistakes to avoid with narcissists
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 พ.ค. 2024
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT. - บันเทิง
When I was starting researching narcissism, my narcissist husband heard one of the videos I was watching & said sounds like you. I quipped "says the narcissist"! Oh he got so mad, stomped out of the room. He didn't talk to me for a week, ah blissful quiet. Then he was mad because I didn't react the way he wanted.
Courage ❤
He threw a stone and you threw a boulder at his glass house. Good for you!!!
My ex calls me a narcissist all the time. She is in therapy. I'm in therapy.
I learned that you should never call out a narcissist. It's dangerous. My therapist gave me tools to deal with my ex.
I often find myself wondering about what goes on in my ex's therapy sessions.
Why would her therapist advise her to call me a narc, to my face, again and again ?
I got the silent treatment from my wife for listening to a video about Reactive Abuse. I was in “trouble” again.
sounds so familiar.
The narcissist somehow manages to become the victim. While you are blasted for being uncaring, mentally disturbed and "the real problem." Don't let them win, THEY are the problem in any relationship."It's Not You!"
My mother & sister are a deadly duo. Unbelievable the things they have done. They are truly dangerous & they get away with it. I’m no contact & have been for a few years now. You have helped me so much!! Thank you! ❤
yes, you & me in same situation... i'm in no contact bc i really cant cant anymore, sadly my partner cant see it. and also mega sad for my father, he lets 'get him' by them & is in fear (for death etc) since he is very ill, i could call him & comfort him etc, i donno when he'll be alone... i already tried, immediately is the topic 'my wife, your mother is fantastic' and that i'm 'not kind' that i'm so distant, that they deserve better etc, its one insane circle, i need therapy, i got an official online therapist community from my gp, i didnt find the courage yet... 'glad' for u u can be in no contact, gosh, greetings from Belgium
Well done! I know it’s hard. ❤ They’ll never be who we need them to be. Our lives are better without people who don’t see or value us.
Sounds like mom’s golden child/flying monkey combo isn’t as unique as they would have you believe. Good on you for breaking free from that toxic dynamic
Im cheap 40000 for both
They always put their interests above us..We feel very lonely while in the relationship. There's always a hidden agenda if they are nice
yep. i was in a 4 years relationship and we seriously never fought. so when i dated my ex who was a covert narcissist i was honestly so tired of the fight, the back and forth. my bf of 4 years would literally say, "I love the fact we communicate so well" so I KNEW this energy wasn't coming from me. I genuinely prefer peace over drama. If i never dated such a nice guy with an amazing family. coming from my own narcissistic family i probably would have thought it was me.
Glad my 1st relationship 17-21 was genuinely so nice. We grew apart but ended the relationship well.
My ex narc, still says he's not over me bcuz i never game him closure.
OHHHH, once he told me after we broke up since we lived together. "You're not nice to me, you offer me food but never ask what i want." EXCUSE ME I DONT EVEN HAVE TO OFFER U SHIT. the entitlement is serious.
My 1st bf always cooked for me bcuz at the time i never cooked. i left after a year but i lost feelings after 6 months.
I can say ANYTIME he was ever civil not even nice he wanted something
@@420lisia yep
100%
Turning right back around and accusing you of being a narcissist is their signature move.
As a recovering narcissist I’ve been able to look in the mirror and that has given me the ability to see narcissist tendencies in others. The road to healing has been extremely challenging and humbling at the same time. I’m so thankful I’ve found Dr. Ramani. I never knew I was as bad as I was until I looked in the mirror.
Your insight is a huge gift! Dr Ramani’s helped me recognize and eliminate my narc tendencies as well
We pick up somuch from the environment we grow up and stay in the relationships Couse we can't do better at that time. We have to be looking talking and behaving like the narcs to suit their needs. Narcs have a life time pal like little sheep following them and worship what they got to give 💩
The excuses I made were, "it's because of the culture he grew up in," or "it's all the beatings in childhood, " or "his Dad was a misogynist " or his last wife was yadda yadda yadda . . . 20 years of abuse resulted for me
I'm so sorry you went through this. , narcissistic abuse is so hard to bounce back from
I have made all the same excuses
I called out my narcissistic sister only when I was at the point that I knew I was completely finished with her. She did the whole DARVO thing on me and has since reached out to me several times offering to “discuss our differences.” She wanted me to apologize to her. I told her I don’t have anything new to say. I never heard from her again. This was in 2012. She has gone on to trash me to everyone else in my family, so I am estranged from the whole lot, but I have so much peace in my life. No regrets.
❤What is DARVO?
@@heleneisotta4288 Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender
@@heleneisotta4288 deny, attack, reverse victim & offender. Basically twist everything around to blame others for one’s behavior.
@@heleneisotta4288DARVO;
Deny,
Attack,
Reverse Victim & Offender.
Once you recognize and truly understand how cowardly and unstable the source is, it will cease to be 'personal'.
0:15 For me, Rosie, it can only be personal. He took so much from me. Made me not like the person he turned me into. Whether it was on purpose,or not, it was his fault and that just can't be tolerated or just "let go". I'll have to find away to absorb the new outlook on life I have now and try and turn it around.
I'm just so angry and blown away that people like this are not made to be accountable for the excruciating pain they cause. Somehow, as the victims who are irreputably damaged, we have to find a way for this to happen.Otherwise, what kind of society are we to allow such, what I would call, criminal abuse!
Haha. Never had your life ruined by one
True!!
The section at 30:07 about not taking it personally explains how this point is NOT intended to invalidate the *deeply* personal harm and suffering narcs cause. It's about helping to *heal* that harm by recognizing it was NEVER about us and our supposed failings even though narcs use every trick in the book to make us *think* that to protect their fragile egos.
@@Felix4art192your emotional trauma from the narcissist is making you misinterpret comments. Personal doesn’t have anything to do with “on purpose” or not. It WAS on purpose, no one is saying it isn’t. but it was about them not you, they are sick and twisted and would act that way with anyone. Of course you still are affected, and that’s meaningful to you! It messes us all up! But they still did what they did because they are a narcissist and not because you are you.
Oh, the years of my childhood I've lost to the endless cycle of provocation, screaming accusations, the silent treatment and then... Acting like nothing ever happened.
My grandmother got to the age of 98, but never matured beyond the age of 3.
I call them out every time, not because they must know but because society must know; there are too many sadists, narcissist, psychopaths, doing jobs that should be done by empaths, by people that have morals. I just want to attract attention that the devil will not bring people to paradise. When I am dead, someone else, is going to have to take my place. I know at some point society will wake up from this madness but I think there should be more law-involved psychiatrist empaths that can help the legal system protect against certain types of individuals especially when people are most vulnerable.
I wish it would end; the Bible warns of people being "lovers of themselves" in the last days. We seem to be coming closer to the end of time. Hopefully, those who have good consciences will keep our sanity.
Treat the narcissist like a roommate.
Absolutely so. Compartmentalize and enjoy whatever benefits there are to this relationship, but find your deeper connections, joy, and self expression elsewhere
good idea
I do. I am going to be 40 next month and been married for 20 years. I was only 19 when I got married. I would never recommend marriage for a woman that age. Our son is 9. I won’t wait until he’s too old to get out but I will get out while I still have a little life left in me. I’m glad is only one. I am so happy when he’s not home. He’s in the military and has been now for 27 years. One thing I do while he’s home is to block his phone. I do that so he can’t send me mean texts messages at 2AM when I am sleeping because I would have anxiety when I wake up in the morning to mean text messages. I now use that morning to think and reflect on positive thoughts.
Always be selfish around such people, coz you will be giving for a lifetime and you get back a fucked up brain and body. Stop giving chances. And always be away from such people as much as possible.
Why? For what reason?
My narcissists favorite rebuttal is “Your Crazy”. - then either - “I never said that” or “that did not happen” or his new one “why don’t you go to therapy and I’ll go with you“
It’s disgusting how they treat you
Most don’t offer to go with you to therapy. But if they do, it’s only to point out your flaws. They will stop going if the therapist calls them out, but if you have been with them and want to stay, then you can go and win the help of your therapist. Most therapist will not call them out so as to keep them coming to therapy. This should be communicated to you in private conversation with your therapist. Good luck and remember that you’re dealing with a person who is incapable of growing.
sounds so familiar , I can't believe it made me even smile for any odd reason .. it's deff not funny or happiness , it's just weird😮
I called out my dad after he shamed me for being sad that an animal I loved and cared for passed away suddenly. I told him that it hurt me and made me feel like he didn’t like me, that I am human and allowed to feel sad when someone even an animal dies. He didn’t respond. Not a word. Totally ignored me. Super messed up. So tired of it all. I no longer care what he thinks of me. Not trying to win them over anymore. I deserve better. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
So sorry for your loss 😢 animals are part of the family. I just went no contact with my dad when he showed off his narc side. Back then I didn't know anything about what even narcissism is but I got tired of his never ending mind games and almost purposeful cruelness. Now after about 5 years of no contact, I don't regret anything.
my mom berated me at the Memorial for my murdered bestfriend, because I was sobbing. She said I was embarrassing her.
So sorry you had to be subjected to such a cold person growing up and now. Continue to protect and take care of you!
My mom invalidated me the other night when I was feeling stressed about difficult work issues. She was annoyed and rolled her eyes, and didn’t want to talk when I just needed a hug and reassurance. My family does this to me all the time. So tired of it. I no longer try to get their approval. I approve and validate myself. They can be real jerks. Focusing on myself. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I totally get you. My mom is the same. Whenever I'm suffering she just rolled her eyes on my pain, when I'm crying she laughs and call me dramatic or minimizes my experiences, however the worse is when I am happy and have good news, she gets so angry. Having to hide, not only your pain but even your happiness can take a toll on your physically and mentally. Love yourself and try to find loving people and a zen environment to grow. Sending you love ❤❤❤
I totally get you. My mom is the same. Whenever I'm suffering she just rolls her eyes on me. When I'm crying she laughs and calls me dramatic or minimizes my experiences. However, the worst is when I am happy and have good news, she gets so angry and jealous. Having to hide, not only your pain but even your happiness can take a toll on you physically and mentally. Love yourself and try to find loving people and a zen environment to grow. Sending you love ❤❤❤ 17:16
@@crystalclear7453I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I think what you’re going through is the worst. I got that from my husband, but he has his focus on some other people now and it’s like a business relationship between us. It is Heaven! I can only wish that someway your mom will find another target or give you some relief. However, I have a narcissistic son who weaponizes my granddaughter. He makes my life uncomfortable in the exact same way. So while I have some relief with the husband, I’m crying over the relationship with the son.
What ever the reason why they're a narcissist, whether they're just born a bad seed or were raised by abusive parents. Mental screenings is a good start to breaking the cycle and should be mandatory before getting married and starting a family.
Agreed, but I want to add is that there’s a third possibility becoming a narcissist, parents wanted the best for their children and spoiled them to much, that doesn’t mean that the parents are narcissists, just don’t know what’s bad for their children
And hi there 👋🏻
I wish the government would listen to you and mentally check people before allowing them to get married/ reproduce.
Lots of miserable kids out there, of ALL ages.
Trying to raise children slowly, and properly, leads to your population getting replaced by massive amounts of immigration encouraged by the government and large corporations to keep the economic GDP rising.
But it's a slippery slope, youngblood. Once you start forced testing and legislating for stuff like that, you open more doors for narcissistic leaders to bring healthy societies down. I like what you say and look forward to seeing your posts.
Maybe the government would listen to voters who write school boards and ask them to include Resistance To Narcissism in their civics, social studies, and health -related courses.
I just love your deep understanding of this condition. I love your examples. They are just so true and accurate 😊
Thank you for your reassuring work, Dr. Ramani. You help me get through my days with the narcissistic person in my life as I move towards leaving him for myself.
I look forward to the silent treatment if it means not having to hear their negativity, insults, and invalidation.
i used to lovenit when my dad gave me the silent treament for 2 weeks at a time. very peaceful!
And then my wife realized that I enjoyed her silent treatment for those very reasons. 😅 that ended that because God forbid that I enjoy something in life that she hasn't dictated.
I could never understand why my narc mother thought her sulking was a punishment. It was a relief to not have to deal with her .Then I went no contact with her over her long term bad behaviour. OMG she could NOT stand it. Bombarded me with threats to make me come back. Not apologies, not discussion, not promises to behave better. Threats. Like that will make me want to spend time with her.
Thank you Dr Ramani. All the narcissistic people (Mom/Husband of 26 years) have passed away.
Your videos help so much to understand how I enabled their narcissistic behavior.
I’m healing. Still have a lot of work to do.
But I’m free. Free at last.
The first common mistake to avoid with narcissists is associating with a narcissist.
Thanks…it is difficult to “not associate” with one’s parent/s.
@@KiKiQuiQuiKiKi Unfortunately true, particularly in childhood.
I don’t think a narcissist would ever question “am I a narcissist” I feel better knowing that anytime I’m worried I’m one
I do question myself very often, maybe I am the one, instead of my husband why!?
is that really true, if you question yourself , you're deff not one! that would give me peace with my self doubt
Watch their actions, not their words. They are great pathological liars. If you are married, do not do marriage counseling together with them. This will just waste time thinking you can fix something that is not fixable. Go on your own, get support, and leave. Peace will follow.
💯💯💯🙌🏻
Spot on! After 15+ years my partner agreed to couples therapy
After he enjoyed hurting me and then watching me cry on a ride together I finally accepted that he’s a piece of s-
I called my therapist and said we won’t be attending therapy together bc it’s a waste of time
He’s an abusive narcissist and it’s a waste of time
Unfortunately- I’m dependent on him and need to make a plan- but this channel helped me realize that I can’t continue on this path- I’m so sad that even breathing hurts
Thank you for nailing it on the head!!!
@@zeusbk26 A good therapist will be able to spot this and should ensure you do separate counseling. I'm glad you were wise enough to make that decision. They do enjoy hurting you and watching you cry. Sick creatures.
Absolutely, wish I knew that back then.
I thought taking my ex narc to marriage counselling would make him think that I really wanted to make our 25 yr marriage work.....
He told the councillor, For every action there,s a reaction.
Afterwards he was raging in the journey home, it was a waste of time
What did I expect was going to happen
.
He was right, I then started to prepare for what I deserve
Peace, tranquillity, now 5yrs free
Calling out my ex narcissist put me on 30 plus years of mental life support. OMG 😱
I made excuses for my mother, my grandmother, my aunt, my father and my children, all because I believed that I had to suffer their abuse just because of family loyalty. Just because I am related to someone doesn't mean that I need to stay in relationship with them if I am being abused by their behavior. I am me and they are them, I won't change the type of person I am for anyone ever again!
I will always personalize what they do because of how severe and intentional their relentless abuse comes off as, and thus it's hard not to take it personal, though 'hard' really is the understatement of the day here.
Incredible insights as always! Your breakdown of the narcissist's reaction to being called out really highlights the complexity of such interactions. Thanks for providing practical advice on handling these challenging situations!
This was a wonderful talk. My mother passed away 11 years ago and I’m still trying to deal with her abuse.
Noticing when I find myself thinking about how to appease someone is now one of my best Red Flags to instead STAY AWAY. 🚩👺🛑 I don't need to wait to confirm if they're a narc or not to know they're not good for me. Yay boundaries! 😃Thanks, Dr. Ramani!
I had a narcissistic mother, she wasn’t wealthy but a covert narcissist, jealous of her own daughters, trying to sabotage my jobs, never told me she was proud, mentally abusive. When I was in hospital as a teenager she didn’t visit and made it about her. Now that I’m older I look back and I can see a lot of my exs were successful grandiose narcissists, I’d enjoy the love bombing and when the devaluation started I’d do anything to win them back, I’d get discarded then get in a similar relationship and try and make the guy love me. I think I was just used to that set up. It took me a long time to recognise the patterns and heal. I thought I was lucky they were even talking to me and that I should be greatful for that because I wasn’t good enough
Really great and extremely helpful! Especially the analogy of the rain ☔️!!!
Thank you for your service to our society, especially to women as we take our sanity and dignity and power back. 😊
OMG, so packed full of great healing info!!! I especially like the part about using a bad childhood as an excuse at 12:00 min!!! thank you so much!!! 👍❤❤❤
My narcissistic sibling once compared me to the person who raised us, who was also narcissistic. I told them NEVER to compare me to them because I'm the complete opposite. They responded, "You have the traits; you just don't know it." When I called them a narcissist in return, their rage was intense, even though it was via text. Our family had a saying: "If you can't handle the heat, get the heck out of the kitchen." I guess the sibling missed the memo on that one. Despite being raised by severely narcissistic parents, my sibling's manner of speaking made it seem as if they were highlighting all my flaws. I acknowledge my narcissistic traits and recognize the potential to become a true narcissist, yet I've grown to be the antithesis of my upbringing. Rather than condoning their actions, I find myself more empathetic and understanding towards them. This perspective is solely mine.
Chances are you both suffer from narcissistic traits if you were raised by narcissistic parents, even if you aren't a pathological narcissist. The likelihood that you don't is astronomically low
@@blinkyy1088 Despite being raised by severely narcissistic parents, my sibling's manner of speaking made it seem as if they were highlighting all my flaws. I acknowledge my narcissistic traits and recognize the potential to become a true narcissist, yet I've grown to be the antithesis of my upbringing. Rather than condoning their actions, I find myself more empathetic and understanding towards them. This perspective is solely mine.
You are wonderful Dr. Ramani, your analysis of the narc s behaviour. Once he said to me I will even tell you what to say. Where I got astonished and I started questioning about his sanity. Thank you . What you do is an answer to my prayers that these people must be exposed and revealed in society😮
That "look" you get for saying ANYTHING that upsets them or rubs them the wrong way. I just ignore him or repeat what I said as matter-of-fact as possible. It can be the dumbest thing that sets him off. They major in insecurity.
Mine would pick a fight over anything he could think up so he could storm out. Now I'm finally realizing it was to see"people"😢
I recently have walked away from my place of worship due to a narcissist and the community’s enabling of them. I’ve spent 2 years being psychologically, emotionally and verbally abused by this person (others have as well), but it seems I was expected to accept this treatment and since I refuse to -it is me that has to leave the space.
My narc mom demanded me,a child,to apologise for her abusive behaviour. My father didn’t even dare to say anything against this pattern.
Just now it occurs to me that when a narcissist is born (and this is not necessarily right outta the womb) they wear a costume. The fabric is called "ButImHurt!!" whereas non-narcissists, when they are also 'born,' take on the costume made from a fabric called, "ImHurtBut..." #yesIAmUI 🍃 🌬️💨💙❣️
So it’s like that movie War Games. The only way to win is not to play. 🤗
I have to confront very allegation levelled at me by my narcissist via text because when I don’t those issues are brought into court by him and stated as fact. It is exhausting but necessary. When my texts are reviewed by the lawyers it shuts down all his lies. I hate it but I have to.
I have learned to wound his ego anytime he contacts me about anything but childcare issues to stop his harassment of me. I hate that I have to do it but it is the only way I have peace.
They'll ruin your life. It's best not to engage with anyone at all just in case. No excuses no in and out of relationship. I recognized we weren't compatible and left before I knew they were a narcissist. For the last 8 years after the break-up they've been using our child as a pawn to hurt me. I and out of court with lawyers 4 times trying to take my custody and take my parental rights trying to waste my limited finances. Trying to ruin all my other relationships. In these situations all you can do is either abandon your child for your own well-being or continue to fight so your child doesn't feel abandoned. It's sick.
Yes, they always blame you for everything!! My narc partner who suddenly blocked me a month ago laughed at me on the phone. I confronted him with lying to me many times and he just laughed at me telling I was saying so much nonsene. One thing was that he had a tinder account when we were a couple (long distance) and he also lied about his age on his profile😂. In our relationship he has blocked me many times and unfriended me on social media because of rage. He would sulk over things like me not having time to call him even though I explained why. We were a couple but not ever friends on social media, because of him. But when I confronted him- he blamed me! Saying he unfriended me because I wanted a break. Its all lies lies lies and so many explanations and drama. Do they believe their own lies?! I think they do😢 do they feel bad at all for treating people/loved ones so badly?
Nope. They’re not doing that.
📼17:13 “Trying to Appease and Please Them”: Hindsight speaking here… As soon as my ex understood that it was important to me that “I get it right” with him, he weaponized that need in me against me. In the beginning, I was clueless and so utterly confused and frustrated. Later on in the marriage, I started to catch on to the gaslighting. I realized that I was being set up. You know.. gas lit. Even if, I managed to follow his script exactly one day, he would always find some hair to split, have some temporary and specific memory loss of him demanding it in recent past, or would simply not acknowledge any traits of mine that didn’t line up with his disparaging narrative of me. No matter how petty or small, I never got it right.
You can't win. It is so destabilizing. He's like a snake waiting for something to abuse me over. Then the abuse, the apology by me, the silent treatment. I'm on my way out and never looking back.
When I first met my ex. One of the first things he said was “I need you to learn to read my mind”. I thought it was so outrageous. He was serious!!
Thank you Dr Ramani for your great advice. You are 100% correct....
Yes, I was accused of being a Narcissist. Always talking about ‘myself’. Even if it was in defence. To make themself look like the better person they set off to give you the silent treatment and co-existing without demands.
Made excuses on my youngest sisters behavior for years now. By seeing her growing up in her childhood she most probably was traumatized in some way.
Till recently no excuses because I'm fed up with all the scapegoating and triangulation that comes from her side.
My heart felt so broken because our Mom tries her best to treat us equally. ...
Yes! Those were my words exactly! “Just tell me what to say” or “just tell me what you want”…thank you, Dr Ramani for your insightful and affirming videos. At 67 yo i’m learning so much and it is helping me immensely!!!
Yes my life the last 5 years!
Your videos are gold to me. Thank you so much.
Wohh… the part about making excuses for them hit hard…I have occasionally sent self help videos like the ones from ‘Gabor Mate’ to the narcissist in my life in the hope of helping them deal with their issues.
Not sure how they perceive and process these things; but does little if any difference to the relationship.
They use it against you. Narcs take self help books and flip them upside down. If this helps then doing the opposite should bring harm. The planning begins... 🤔😈
I asked mine why he was always so angry and he told me to "fuck off", so I asked again and he attacked me.
I so have a degree in narcissism 😅 I only apply radical acceptance, anything else is pointless. What annoys me the most is when they darvo you 🙄 it's like pulling off the reverse card on you while playing Uno.
A catch 22 indeed. Don't waste your time or energy, they simply don't care and the only one loser or bigger loser would be you.
Excellent -- especially the last 15 minutes. Thank you so much.
I wish I had better skills to manage a narcissist ex-friend who has decided to involve themselves in a hobbyist community that I am involved in. Constantly it feels like they are only involved in order to antagonize me, as retaliation for me rejecting them.
I am constantly being told that my sense of reality is not real, and that I really need to get my mind straight.
Gaslighting. There are several videos explaining it in detail and how to deal with it. Your abuser is trying to to set you up. Be cautious.
I live with my narc sister. I LOVE the silent treatment because every attempt at conversation descends into her either accusing or defending. There is no normal conversation between us. We were raised by a narc mom who attacked Dad every chance she got. So silence for me is a relief. I do feel a pang of love when she asks me a normal question, like maybe there's hope. But inevitably she will attack me.
Thank you very much, Dr. Ramani,
You crystallize it for me, I lived in a marriage for 30 years, gaslighted ,humiliated ignored never validated and often
given silent treatment !
First time in my life, I’m happy and healthy after I listen to you videos for over a year I learned to put boundaries and disengaged from any unnecessary communication, I couldn’t thank you enough, God bless your soul❤
It is virtually impossible to please the narcissist. They have a script to follow and we do not have that script! It is exhausting and makes you want to give up.
That's why it's good for everyone to have the opportunity to write their own story - "their own book" - to clarify their relationships with others and with themselves. Then let them talk about their "problems" - which are the same as yours. Just a matter of time and work done. If you want to live - you have to start writing....... this is your evidence in plain sight without arguing.
In time there's nothing you can do right, there's nothing you can say that isn't wrong.
My X left me for a rebound guy after a few years together. I appreciate the time we had together. I don't appreciate her insecurities that she was raised by a toxic family. I was walking on eggshells. After my experience with her, I believe she may had narcissistic tendencies and behavior. Its a shame that she didn't change her ways. Such a beautiful woman with potential. I was trama bonded. After she left, I had to develop my A game 🎮. After a few months of detoxing and working out at the gym. I started to rebuild myself mentally, physically and spiritually. If my X even attempted to return. No Bueno girl. Cry me a river by Justin Timberlake.
I had often wondered what I was supposed to say or supposed to do to make my ex happy. I usually thought there was something I wasn't doing that would lead to him raging at me and in the end would make me cry. This was after usually 3 days or so of him completely ignoring me. Then it was my fault that I kept asking him what was wrong when he gave me the silent treatment for so long. All the while I take care of all of the chores and everything at home, so they can do what they "need" to do.
The fantasy that if I just show him there isn't anything to act suspicious and mean ,if I just give it time to show how I am he would be different ,is a miserable trap I put myself in the middle of that seems inescapable
Very helpful. So many validating points.
I have walked from my younger covert sis, and now, it's close to me walking away from my overt narcissist sister. I have created distance with her. She will message me and be her usual self. Outright abusive. I will block. My health is very poor 😞 and not one person in my family has offered to help. ( I have an autoimmune disease, and it's been pretty tough. The cruelty. I still think I can rebuild my health.
You cannot heal in the environment in which you were wounded. Love and care for yourself. Dr. Gabor Mate has excellent information the effect of stress and autoimmune conditions.
@@marywilson6266 I love Gabor .. ❤️. Thank you for your comment It means alot 🙏 ❤️
Thank you! You’re amazing
You literally cannot converse with them about anything rationally. Only superficial or yes or no questions
Excellent video and advice.
Hello, can you also make more videos about narcissistic mothers? Thanks a lot.
How about please?
Fkn rude.
She has... Look at her playlist.
I used to practice with my boyfriend on the 2 1/2 hour drive home from college. I would say, "If she says this, what is the best response?" We would play this game the entire way home. I was such a nervous wreck about the unknown that awaited me, that I tried to prepare myself for every single interaction that *might* take place. I shake my head thinking about it.
Been there too 😢
@@springBloomsinAwe 😥
Dr. Ramani… This is so interesting because I always understood that don’t personalize to mean don’t say things that are personal to him. He will always try to personalize and always try to get under my skin, but I will not engage in personalizing my communication with him.
18:30 my ex husband did this. I would finally just ask, “So how am I supposed to feel here? Just tell me so we can go back to normal.” His response was, “I’m not here to teach remedial maturity here, Linda. If you can’t figure it out then that’s something you need to learn in therapy because obviously your parents failed to teach you how to communicate as an adult.”
I feel so guilty by thinking to leave my Narc. He is covert. I got very tired, old and ill in this relationship. 19 years together. I afraid to tell him I want divorce and...I think if I tell him that I want to leave I will afraid him even more. Maybe I watch to much ID murder cases.. Dr.Ramani please help with some advice on this. Thank you so much for helping people
How amazing your future will be, you have made the 1 st most important decision, that you deserve Better
Find your supports, good True friends
Plan your move
Don't look back
I have been in your situation it was hard, but soldier on, there will be times when you think you can't go on, BUT then everything falls into place, with great supports.
Life is great, has so much to offer
Proud of you
@@user-uz8np4iv8g Thank you so much for supporting me, HUG❤
I got into huge chaos when I pointed a toxic ex-coworker out. He wreaked havoc on the workplace. 😖😆😅
I find this video very helpful, because it saves years of abuse time for everyone.
If I am playing gray rock by being silent -not reactive-, how does that differ from the narcissist's abusive silent treatment?
My first thought is that one is abusive, the other is survival
Gray rock isn’t a game to play. It’s a technique to keep you safe from the narcissists attempts to engage you in bad faith and get fueled by your reaction.
It’s not the same and its intent is not the same. It is typical for narcissistic people to claim it’s on par with their behaviors. Anytime they aren’t getting their way, it’s “abuse.”
Gray rock is not the silent treatment.
The intention.
One is intended to escalate tensions and quarrels and the other is intended to to descalate
Mine has a non-life threatening but life long cancer so I know besides being judged by his lies and flying monkeys I will also be judged for leaving him because of him having that illness even though he works and is pretty much fine (and actually refuses to take care of his health in anyway at all and has let his health completely go.) so I feel I will be 100% alone if I ever can leave.
After the honeymoon, it lasted for 4 years, then down hill. 2016 is when the physical, emotional,psychological. Name calling, neglect, manipulation. Bad phrases, hurtful saying. They use things you tell them in private. Discard needs, I can look back now I know why he started relationship, he knew his dad would need caring for. Four years I was a choir provider for husband and father. I wish I could talk to you
Dr Ramani was the first TH-cam channel I found several years ago, after my therapist suggested I was living with a covert narcissist. Your research has been so helpful to me, as I have chosen to stay married and set boundaries for myself.
I’ve pondered lately how my husband would respond to identifying his Love Language… because I think he’s only mentioned what he desires to feel love…. Not how he shows love to others!
I have never had the experience of any of the narcissist exes in my life ever googling anything that is related to personality disorders because they simply don't want to find out
I always felt something was off about my ex husband. Always used everything against me. My mind wanted to believe he an empath , i even told my therapist that his suspicions of him being narcissistic are false. I loved him so much.. but the way he broke up with me confirmed its good riddance to bad rubbish. 🚮 he ticks most of this . Good luck to his next
They're experts at fooling others. Makes it scarey to commit to someone. Am reading your books but Love the videos. You are helping so many ..thank you!
Our TIME is our most valuable commodity- every single one of us.
Ask yourself if you really dont mind wasting your valuable time listening to those creatures bullshit drama day in and day out. This is called setting BOUNDARIES!!!
Hey Dr Ramani….I should write a book about what happens when you don’t listen to the professional advice. I’ve done everything I should not have done out of my arrogance for believing that my husband loves his family enough to change. I’ve learnt the hard way and wasted decades. I think I probably would have regretted it if I hadn’t done it all as that’s who I am but I realise I was arrogant believing it would be different for me.
I'm to the point where I know without a doubt that for my own sanity that I need to leave. Why does it hurt so bad. Why do I still love him. I should hate him.
On using a hard past as an excuse: My best friend of 22 years is the perfect textbook example of a narcissist. It’s exacerbated by addiction. She was abused verbally and physically by her parents and she will always say after hurling insults and abusive language at me, “Well, I was raised by a mother who used her words as weapons so what do you expect? Guess where I learned this from!” And she says this without irony, wearing it like a badge.
Not personal because they act like you're not really a person.
oh my gosh... spot on
You talk about mind-reading...
My narcissist taught me while I was growing up that he could literally do magic! Multiple times over, he's told me he used mindreading to gauge my interest in a topic, or to try to pounce on any doubts I had of him before I could even formulate the thought.
Now, free from my mind-shackle, I think freely in his presence about the baits, the hooks, and the tactics he uses to reel me in. Not once has he called me out on it.
Oh yea mine says he can travel through dreams and has black magic ect..
@@Krazykal Mine told me once that he could speak to the spirits of the dead in their own realm. Even disproving Einstein's theory of relativity to the man himself!
Because he's so smart and cool, and all that 😊
Wow did our guys go to the same wizard school?
@@Krazykal Maybe, lol. I gotta ask, though, does yours happen to believe in some neo-Pagan spiritual system? Mine pretends to be a druid :/
@DopaminedotSeek3rcolonthree No he just always said he had psychic power and could leave his body while he slept and interact with the world.
I got to that point literally last night with my husband. I asked what do you want me to do or feel. Is this a business arrangement marriage, should I just accept you can only love me on the surface. The response: make you happy, don’t rely on me for your happiness. (Which is not what I do, but that’s what he perceives), And I found these videos this morning, which is really helping me. Thank you
Thank you sooo much.
Rolling eyes are so prevalent after they trigger you - for the spectators.
Ground game is a new one for me.
Don’t try to handle one yourself. Don’t forget like I did. Don’t create a bigger mess for yourself. Don’t get lost in one. It’s all bad.
The excuses I make for the narcissist, is, that I’m all nice and fine unless they mess with me. I have to learn how to handle my anxiety and fears and not raise my voice when I’m scared. It’s going to be a process.
It’s hard too because your nervous system being exposed to narcissistic abuse for a long enough period of time makes you hyper vigilant for signs of manipulative behavior and it’s hard controlling how angry and revolted I am when confronted with possible reminders of the abuse
This all makes me feel so much better.😁💕
I have called out my ex boyfriend on his bad behaviors as much as possible and I wish I would have done it more when we were together. I never used the word narcissist when calling him out(sometimes I wish I would have) A lot of his shame and anger and rage came out and sometimes it scared me and after our break up he went after my family to try and get back at me. I wasn’t perfect in this relationship at all I made huge mistakes as well and at the same time it doesn’t excuse his behaviors and actions.
I feel your pain 🤗🫂
My excuses always ended up with blaming myself for screwing up somehow. It took me 5 years to fully see what was going on and that nothing I could ever do was the solution, because the goal kept being moved, and in the end, I had to sell my horse farm and everything I loved and move away to escape that toxic presence in my life. .... It's hard but I am free now except for the healing I have to do. But maybe I am making progress.
I guess I'm conflicted on this topic. In Domestic Violence therapy I learned that we are supposed to tell. That not telling is a form of enabling. I feel that being discernment is really important on what should or should not be said. But if it's a situation that impacts someone's life, the chances are extremely good that they'll do it to someone else. It's never just one person. The abuser wants you to think that, but this is how they operate. But I also appreciate and think this is good advice. At times I'm confused about what to do.
Would love to see some videos on creating mental/ emotional distance.