Boy’s Don’t Cry? How To Help The Wounded Man I Masculine Mental Health I Inner Work Library [65/500]
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 ก.ค. 2024
- Is there a Male Mental Health Crisis? Men are suffering, and this episode of Inner Work Library Q&A explore the intersection between Depth Psychology and Trauma Therapy to reveal the relationship between Unresolved Trauma, Repressed Emotions and the Wounding and Healing of the Male Heart.
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⏱️ TIMESTAMPS ⏱️
00:00 Vulnerability Won't Work?
01:32 Men Lack Emotional Courage
03:27 Inner Work Question (Q&A)
04:32 Male Trauma & Masculine Healing
06:57 Most Men Don't Cry
09:33 Why I Cried This Morning
10:21 How To Heal The Male Heart
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Topics explored: jungian shadow; jungian; masculine psychology; male psychology; carl jung masculinity; king warrior magician lover; traditional masculinity; divine masculine; masculine archetypes; male archetypes; archetypal psychology; archetypes; jungian archetypes; toxic masculinity; masculine energy; male energy; embrace masculinity; masculine motivation; mens work; masculine theory; men psychology; male tears; male mental health; wounded men; wounded masculine; the wounded masculine; mental health;
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Jordan thank you, tough topic. I saw my father cry more often than my mother. She was exceptionally Stoic while my Pop was the more emotional. I think Mediterranean culture tolerates overt emotion in men, Nordic culture less. When i was drinking, tears flowed more easily. With therapy, crying became more accessible. But usually briefly, auto shutdown kicks in. Important to breathe & relax, lean into it. . In women, i noticed black women cry in the restrained way of men, white women sob w/abandon. In recovery groups, we see crying often, sometimes it seems self injurious, as if the person is choosing to suffer, particularly to judgemental observers. I do not buy that. No one chooses that. Yet the phenomenon of reenactment is hard to interrupt. Paradoxically the taboo to not cry keeps us stuck. When i was a teacher, i noticed how very sensitive are some little boys, how Stoic are some little girls. So much we don't understand
Interesting observation about black women crying in a restrained manner! As a woman of color I know what you mean. And honestly, it's for the same reasons: part of our culture tells us not to cry, that crying is shameful. As a race that was subjected to slavery and racism, we are supposed to be "stronger" than that. We HAVE to be stronger. To this day, with all the trauma I've suffered through, I still have difficulty in openly crying. Therapy has helped
Thank you for holding space for men... It's so beautiful and healing to know that there are healthy masculines out there holding loving space for one another to become their healthiest/divine part of who they truly are...
Growing more and more by the day, I see it happening!
@@jordanthornton This Truth warms my heart in a way I can hardly express in words! I am & always will be an ally to the Divine Masculine within all of us. I believe that we all must heal and become healthy masculines within ourselves as a collective and especially those brave souls that came in the form of man/identify as a man. May Love, courage for emotional Vulnerability as a Strength and sacred space to heal - find their hearts like a beacon of Light, on their journey. Thank you again for modeling and empathizing through your heart. What you do is crucial for men's healing. I am eternally grateful. My heart honors yours.
@@IntegrationpathHeartBodyMind this comment brought tears to my eyes, thank you Jenn,
My heart honors yours,
Idan.
@@idank777 Thank you & right back at you, dear brother. Courage & Love to you on your healing journey...
This 2nd watching got me. Got into me. Feeling many sensations, I looked out at nature; butterflies passing. I listened to your voice, and your words, felt the support, and I cried deeply. "I can't believe they did that to you", but THEY did, they did so many absolutely unbelievably harmful things, and I'm sad as fuck (and angry) and I know I have to feel this and there is still more here. Just watched the Primal Therapy/Primal Scream video, and that resonated as well.
Your words regarding the inane methods of medicate and behaviorally modify versus deeper work for healing/wholing is part of my personal struggle. "I can't believe they did this to you", and to me; to so many.
So deep, the well, and so early the wounds, it feels, that it is hard to be encouraged, but your videos are both distressing (yes, this shit is deep) and hopeful, in that, it matches my intuition.
"Both men and women have two tear ducts; both experience sadness, and this is a method by which the body discharges sadness. Have you ever noticed the clarity in a man/woman's eyes after tears have flowed? It is a cleansing."-OSHO
Thanks again Jordan.
Jordan, I feel a deep resonance with the idea you shared about how in order to see the awe, beauty, and wonder inherent in life we must have the courage to feel and heal the compacted mass of pain that almost no men in our era have been untouched by. I have done this and continue to do this. One of my most memorable breakthroughs was inside of a Lakota Sweat Lodge, I was praying to those that listen to be lifted from the resentment that I harboured toward my mom for being emotionally unavailable and chaotic in my early and adolescent years. The chief motivator of this prayer was to be relieved of the cancer that is bearing unforgiveness. At this point I had no contact with her for roughly 12 months by my own choosing. Ever since, the tears have begun to flow easier and within the right context. And likewise, my imagination, curiosity, and the lens with which I can look through to see the beauty of life is much more within reach, a lot more. As a consequence of this inner work, among a mosaic of other similar work (namely 3+ years sober from the grip of alcoholism, and engagement with the subsequent spiritual tenants that have assisted me in this journey), I recently was able to reengage contact with my mom on my own terms, utilizing the interpersonal skills that I have forged all the while to be sensible about just how to navigate what a relationship with my mom might look like.
Moreso, I work at a 12-Step based addiction treatment center, working specifically with young men ages 18-25 years, and I very much look forward to screening this video with them and the processing to follow. Our young guys are positively starving to be in and seek guidance from the integrating mature masculine. Thank you brother for all the countless hours you've devoted to yourself and to all those who seek out your generous guidance.
All the best regardless of the form,
Spencer
A truly beautiful comment to read, I hope that the screening went well and provoked some conversations - it's noble and valuable work that you are doing with these guys, thank you Spencer.
Toxic masculinity & toxic shame - telling males they shouldn't cry. Thanks for this, I'm sending it to my teenage sons.
Happy to help 🌲
Out of all your videos, this one is the one that hits the deepest. So much so that it descends to where the blood boils under the rubble of broken dreams and trauma.
It pierced so hard that I feel my inner scorching pain steaming through my hardened and cold shell. It makes me angry that no person in my life could take a few minutes of presence and do this, it makes me furious to think that I might do the same to others.
But it lifts a weight from my chest, and I can breathe, and now I begin to hear the wind and birds outside, because of the healing silence that settles in. I feel heard, and this is not just another youtube video to me.
It is one of the lowest lows that I still experience....
This is just a step along the way, but thank you for this, Jordan.
Deeply grateful for your comment, here to help 🌲
I feel this brother.
I am one of the men you speak about who lurk in the shadows...Your videos, and instagram stories, have been so valuable for me since I came across your channel towards the end of last year, and I want to thank you for all the content you create and share. This video really spoke to me.. you spoke to me... I have always found it hard to cry or connect with any emotions, and can understand why based on my life story and the amount of trauma I have experienced. I agree with the need to share with 'safe' people who can hold space and not judge or fix me, and I am blessed to have 3 or 4 close friends where this trust has been built up over a few years. I can share anything, they know everything.. I can get angry.. I know they won't abandon me.. but I still can't cry.. I so want to cry... the most I'll experience is a welling up and my eyes gloss over. Sometimes they cry for me as they see the pain I am in and my inability to feel and let go of emotions. I released some deep grief and anger and shed tears in a few months of somatic experiencing work earlier this year which has given me hope.. but I feel my body has doubled down again, probably a trauma response of protection? Thanks again for the space you have created. I see you as a teacher, please continue to shine your light Jordan...
An exceptionally meaningful comment to read today, thank you for sharing this here brother. I know the frustrations of not being able to let go, although it’s excellent to know you’ve got close support… give it time, and maybe see what happens when you give yourself movement in the form of swaying, rocking or swinging, got a feeling it might help you in particular 🌲
@@jordanthornton thanks for your reply and appreciate the advice... I remember one of your earlier videos about somatic work and getting in to the body which inspired me to hold myself lovingly. I was doing this daily but stopped. I will try holding myself again and swaying or rocking.. I'm off to order 'The Voice of the Body' by Alexander Lowen.. well overdue! You have mentioned it a few times brother!
Thanks for your great content! This video really spoke to me. I had this feeling on off for about 1-3 years now of feeling really sad although nothing bad really happened and feeling the want to cry and just get this energy out but it is as if there is a blockage stopping me. Also I remember my Aunt dying 3 years ago and I didnt shed a single tear although being sad until I saw my father crying which then made me cry too. I just had an emotional moment with my mom last week which is also one of the only people I have cried with. Its very hard for me to cry by myself which I have noticed more and more as time passes. Although I dont have any great Trauma that I can remember, I feel it started at about the time where my mother first got Cancer and had to go to the hospital. I never cried about her having cancer. Its as if I just block it out. Our psyche is very interesting and I find it very interesting to discover these things about myself and get to know myself better as I age. Hope this helps someone in some way :)
I like very much how you are sharing tips for conversation to be had in a private calm moment with a close friend, or relative. I also admire that all what you did was identifying where the behavioral source relies in childhood for either men or women, as a public speaker you proved that you know what you're talking about since you didn't emphasize on the following steps of acknowledging and validating the wounds being talked about. and I guess it's better this way not because I presume your viewers get defensive feeling exposed to you or in a position of pity if you go deeper, but because collective receptivity goes on different degrees for each viewer, also depends on the age their wound comes from and whether those wounds should be talked about by a male or a female figure, girlfriend, boyfriend, mother, long term relationship basis necessity or other figures . this is some respectful therapy you gave us today. thank you for sharing !
Respectful and intentional conversation is always the aim, and it’s certainly a challenge to speak to a wider audience rather than known individuals… but we get there, thank you 🌲
Everything you said is pretty much spot on to my experience in relationships.
It hurts being thrown out like trash for expressing myself or being vulnerable.
Its happened to me over and over again in my life. I think its built into womens sub conscious via societal programming. So I've given up on being upset with women for this behavior.
Awareness is everything.
don't open yourself up to women if your emotions are still raw and unfiltered, just don't go there. You can express your emotions when they have been integrated that's a whole different story
men need to sort themselves out psychologically, it's a solo journey
Actually this is the way it should be, men are the protectors and providers of women and children and are the force which should navigate itself in this world, men shouldn't be seeking outside help
Cry alone, and cry to close male friends, and to your brothers
I’ve spoken with female friends about this, and there is certainly something about the split conditioning between ‘wanting sensitivity’ & ‘not wanting sensitivity’ - it’s a hard one, thanks for sharing brother 🌲
Saying men shouldn't cry is like saying men shouldn't go to the toilet. A strong man holds it in.
Emotional constipation - what a video that would be
Thanks for sharing your experience mentoring a grieving male client.
I honestly struggled a lot to hold the emotions of my ex husband, who was emotionally unavailable, and suffered a lot of physical symptoms such as frequent headaches and muscle pain and shoulder/neck stiffness. I used to tell him these symptoms are signs of emotional repression. It did not make sense that him. When we divorced I fell into deep sadness and he fell into great anger ! This is now making sense to me, when you say men get angry when they grief while women feel sad when they are angry !! Exactly what took place in my divorce 😮
His powerful rage destroyed my relationship with our son who is now holding his father’s anger/grief.
I'm sorry to hear this, and hope you both get what you need to heal.
The thing is, for dismissive avoidant emotional unavailable men. They don’t accept any help unless they are aware of their problems and willing to work on it
I see what you're saying, but it's usually not that hard to open up these types of men if they are in the presence of someone they can respect (whatever that means to them) - always a way in, although there is some willingness required for sure.
@@jordanthornton yeah after they opened up and showed their vulnerability. They ghost and withdraw
@@theo8261 read again previous comment
I've been aware since my late teens that when I feel strong emotions there is a barrier which springs up between my feelings and the outer world. In that first moment I may begin to well up with tears or to start opening up my heart to the person I'm having that moment with, but almost immediately my brain goes into a censoring mode and I start experiencing a dissociation from those intense emotions. I start to feel like that emotional reaction is completely invalid. I experience a paranoia that the reaction may be an attempt to manipulate people, and remind myself that I am a grown man and I have a responsibility to control myself. Do you have any book recommendations which would pair well with this topic?
I have been watching your videos and reading the books for about 9 months now. I feel like I've really elevated the foundations of my emotional self-awareness. Thank you from my heart for your role in that Jordan.
I deeply appreciate your words and commitment to this work over the last 9 months, and will make an extended video off your question when I can. In the meantime, I recommend Trauma And The Soul by Donald Kalsched + The Betrayal of The Body by Alexander Lowen. If you've read both of these, then I recommend something like The Primal Wound by John Firman and Ann Gila! Good luck, my friend.
I'm so grateful for all my guy friends over the years for holding that space for me and grateful that I could be that friend for them as well so we were both able to feel safe. ❤🙏
Beautiful comment, thank you
Great video!! I relate so much to most of what you spoke of, as someone who was raised as a boy/man in the ways you speak of - being queer is such a gift - it’s much easier to not continue to live into that toxic understanding of masculinity- softness doesn’t have to take away from one’s manhood or strength. Crying is still difficult for me, when I was 5 I witnessed an abuse that left me mute for an extended period of time, when I could finally speak again, I developed a trauma response to potential conflict - which caused me to hysterically cry which infuriated my father and caused him to attack me more, I couldn’t control it and I didn’t understand why. I don’t even remember what abuse I witnessed or much of anything prior to age 12. To say the least It has been quite a complicated journey that even at age 44 with lots of healing - am deeply wounded. In the last few years, I have a couple big cries with myself and with others, each time I was so afraid to cry, I thought I would never recover. Often times film, music and art are the only time where I can safely emote, usually when I am alone or in the right company. Not sure all this made sense but I wanted to get a bit of this out. Thx for your work. 🤍🙏🏻🤍
Appreciate you taking the time to share, and wishing you my best for your next steps 🌲
I know you don't recommend psychedelic use but there is a technique that's really amazing. With a low to medium dose of mushrooms or lsd, in the morning on a sunny day in a safe place, you can look at photographs of yourself when you were a child, of your parents, ex partners... And the things I would see always made me cry very healing tears.
The principle is beautiful, and I appreciate you sharing this moment. I’ve likewise experienced similar spaces while sober and so have my clients, so it’s absolutely worthwhile to see what happens without the substances. It’s all there 🌲
I know that men have a lot of pressure to 'hold it together'. On occasion when I notice a male in my life upset about something I acknowledge them as sensitive beings as well as their feelings. Something like, "You're a sensitive person. I'd feel the same way." So that hopefully, it's sending the opposite message of what most men learn when they are in their hearts. xo, Aurora
I love that
In addition to use the word sensitive, you can also see what happens if you phrase it like “you’re sharp in your perceptions” or “I can tell you’re accurate in seeing what’s happening emotionally” - not always necessary, but sometime men respond better to ‘flanking’ language hahah
@@jordanthornton Do you mean putting it in a 'thinking sense' instead of 'feeling sense'?
@@LavenderHazelwood That’s it! I’ve found it helps a major section of men to still ‘feel strong’ or ‘in control’ while creating space for dissolving emotional felt sense moments. You got it.
@@jordanthornton Thanks :)
I feel so deeply sad for all these men I doubted having emotions at all, like my father, grandfather 💔
Thank you for commenting this, Larah 🌲
15:07 Thank you for that :)
I am quite familiar with unexpressed emotions and I was reminded of the physical mental and emotional effects from repeated suppressing.
I am female and was hoping you could elaborate more on the right approach To reaching that part of someone you really care about to open up especially that first time being such a sensitive first step?
Check out episode 52/500 - 'you're not Jesus, stop trying to save people' - I explore this kind of question in detail, even if the title is a little clickbait.
Do you have any advice for the feminine trying to hold the anger? I want to be able to hold a consistent true safe space for my man in the rawness of his emotion, but at times I get so afraid and I take it so personally and my own emotions get in the way.
I get so timid and forget how to speak up and think straight,but immediately after I do that I always feel so dumb because I know that I didn’t need to react like that and I took the situation in a direction that I don’t stand by.
I'll make a video on this as soon as I can, in the meantime I have a video coming out this month on 'relationship inner work' which you'll find great value in. Practically speaking, you might find some power in focusing on your individual expressive ability before putting the demands on yourself to be able to 'speak up' when under pressure to help - things like throat clearing & general articulation empowerment will really help!
Oh I forgot to ask you a question ;
Do you consider plant medicine as a useful tool helping to help release the deeply buried and frozen emotions, for men who struggle with dissociation and avoidant pattern ?
Not something I recommend or work with. I'm more interested in incremental, conscious re-structuring which tends to be more permanent as opposed to ecstatic state breaks (useful for some, but not my style!)
@@jordanthornton thanks for replying. I appreciate your point of view ❤️
The whole world suffers because men can’t/won’t/don’t cry. We women love men who can cry. In fact we wish we could find emotional, clean, energetic, creative and spiritual men. We want gay men, basically, but, unfortunately they aren’t available. The only reason we end up with macho types is because they come after us and drag us into their caves by the hair. We get captured and pay the consequences.
With respect to your intentions, this comment presents a very limiting and harmful stereotype of masculinity.
I’m sorry if you’ve had difficult experiences with some men, but I can’t read this and not call out the extremist separation between ‘clean and spiritual gay men’ vs ‘abusive macho men’ - I’m wishing you all the best, but this is damaging and unfair.
@@jordanthornton Sorry. Didn’t mean to hit the thumbs down button. Thought I was hitting “reply”. Anyway, you’re right. It’s an unfair generalization. Probably triggered by the attempted rape I experienced, in a cave by the beach, when I was 15. My daughter is the result of a rape. So, being raised in a dysfunctional family, I would come up with that either/or, black or white distinction. Maybe? It’s all so fucking complicated. Time to take a walk.
@@rebeccapeterson7405 I'm sorry to hear about these dreadful experience, and appreciate your attention to healing for both you and your family. Thank you for being likewise receptive of my feedback - keep going.
@@rebeccapeterson7405 female solipism in every video of male issues... a classic