THIS Is How An Avoidant Experiences Romantic Feelings
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 พ.ค. 2024
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In today's video, Thais Gibson explains how the avoidant attachment style (dismissive avoidant attachment style) experiences romantic feelings. Watch now to find out what you can do if you or a loved one can related to this avoidant pattern as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "Advanced Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style Course: Your Guide to Thrive in the 6 Stages of a Relationship", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:17 - What is an Avoidant Attachment Style
00:02:13 - How An Avoidant Experiences Romance in Stages
00:02:56 - Infatuation
00:03:16 - Attachment
00:04:26 - Withdrawing
00:05:58 - What Can You Do
00:06:05 - Speak Up for Your Needs
00:07:31 - Set Boundaries
00:09:13 - Maintain Safety and Consistency
00:09:38 - Encourage Vulnerability
00:10:29 - Conclusion
00:10:41 - Advanced DA Reprogramming
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I’ve spent 18months being consistent and offering as much safety as I can. I’m now at the point where I feel like I’m becoming avoidant. Trying to have a relationship with someone who is dismissive avoidant is the biggest head jerk I’ve ever experienced. Do not recommend,
Been there done that. Honestly find a secure attached person and tell yourself you deserve a healthy relationship with a partner willing to discuss in an open and vulnerable manner their feelings. Instead of running away.
It's time to leave, if you feel yourself "turning into an avoidant" it's time to go and consider your own sanity and well being. There's people in these comments saying they have been with an avoidant 10 or even 22 years and clearly not happy and deeply impacted,don't let this be you. This is a perfect "advert" to show why they really should not be dated at all. I hope and pray there is a drop of secure attachment style in you if you were one before you started dealing with this avoidant. If you were not now is the time to get secure and then get you a secure attachment style partner!!
When avoidants start to either:
1. Turn you off via their behaviour.
2. Make you feel that you're going downhill yourself.
3. Trying to run through you with their behaviour
It's always time to go. I stopped at point 1 and decided never again 💯. This fearful avoidant I met never even got a chance to mess me up or run through me and the truth is I think it shocked them I was the one that said "your behaviour is not for me " 🧹 I swept it away and offered "friendship " from a far.... And I mean really far. Great person but for me un-date-ble and un-loveable I found the behaviour too much of a turn off.
Was FA and now after 3 years in "something" with a DA, I'm leaning dismissive as well.
@@justme9514 Law of Attraction 🤔
@@dig-in8bo I’m avoidant but I also am very open with my partner about the fact that I am feeling avoidant.
Being in a relationship with a DA was more lonely than actually being alone. It was progressive torture. It’s hard to believe they don’t know what they are doing when they deactivate. She may aswell have put a jet pack on after intimacy and launched herself into the thermosphere. I’d need a space probe to make a connection.
😂
I chuckled because that is a great way of putting it, even though it hurts to experience it.
Sooo true
I would never date an avoidant again. The minute i realize theyre an avoidant, im out.
😂 now watch all the avoidant types pull up on your comment and try to "correct you" for saying the quiet part out loud about dealing with avoidant people. You're not wrong and I agree, and this is how I'd say 99 percent of people would feel once they experience the problematic behaviour and learn about what an avoidant person is and that it's a classified personality disorder 😳.
The 1 percent that stay and tolerate it are anxious types, or other avoidant people! Or just plain crazy or desperate in some way.
I said the same exact thing you have here on another video and they ( avoidant people) all lost their minds ,😆 it was rather entertaining to read and watch,but I just hope they can see this is the reality , and there is nothing wrong with saying that part out loud and watching these videos so you can notice behaviour and then be out like a light when you realise you've stumbled on an avoidant ⛔ once is enough to never go there again.
Good luck to you finding the right person 💯
You are a wonderful lady. sharing a great approach. However. the reality is, that if the avoidant does not recognise the need to change, the lovely human trying to love them is going to have a horrid experience whatever approach they take
Although it wasn't romantic, I was very close friends with an avoidant for nearly 25 years, and observed some of their romantic relationships. What I have learned, is that when you're with an avoidant, you play by their rules; although AVPD is distinct from NPD, they do share similar traits, and it can be difficult to distinguish at times. One defining trait that divides the two, is reason for the behavior. Deep down , a true avoidant cares and wants to be loved, and out of defense, they detach and put a wall up (silent treatment) in order to protect themselves when they feel someone is getting too close, (they don't want to be vulnerable) because it leads to hurt and rejection. An NPD will do a similar thing, but do it to punish you (coldly and cruel), to show you they're in control and enjoy it. Although I question who that friend really was, the one who is experiencing this, does have a choice; you don't have to stay in a relationship that's not healthy, AVPD/NPD or not (the behavior is abusive), and it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, or you're a dependent/anxious; be very aware of the wording and semantics they use on you🧐
I’m single healing my attachment style and loving myself. All these videos help me realize so much more about people. We all need a big hug, especially our inner child. Sending my love and positivity! Love is beautiful, love is patient.
beautifully said 💕
I recently left a fearful avoidant. These videos helped me understand and be able to classify the treatment. I have never dated one before and it was the most confusing experience of my life. Thank you for this content it has saved me a lot of trauma
Why do we have to do all the work for avoidants and tiptoe around their feelings... Why can't they do the work for themselves and the relationship? It gets draining after a while.
You don't. If it's not the relationship for you then you have every right to leave.
I guess if you really like someone, have a fulfilling life, have kids, and are not in a hurry, you have lots of time to let the FA/DA grow at their own pace.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakesI see this comment a lot. It feels a bit like telling a person who wants their partner to help with housework to just move out. A bit extreme. Surely there is a solution between one person feeling like they are doing all the work and just leaving the relationship.
@@stoutpig I predominantly date avoidants and we communicate well, but if I continued to not feel valued with anyone after I verbalized this then I would leave. I'm not interested in staying in situations that make me unhappy for a prolonged period of time. Of course try working it out, but sometimes I just chalk it upto it being the wrong relationship for me.
@@stoutpignot if one party refuses or shows no interest. I’m a DA and generally I think I have a firm idea of what I want and where I will budge. I have flat out said no I don’t want to/will not do that only for the other party to stay, pretend to accept, and then try to get their way shortly after directly or through veiled manipulation. They keep running into the wall of my boundaries and then cry “discard” when I end it because in most cases if I don’t end it, they will not.
It's quite confusing. Seeing actions and words completely disconnected from each other. When you call out an action and just get flooded with words
affirming the opposite over and over and over again. No real self reflection just avoid the situation over and over again.
Trying to pull a DA into secured is like teaching a robot how to be human.
exactly - only this robot is also resistant as well as unequipped
Yes very accurate
😂😂😂
very true! LMAO 🤣
Trying to pull an AP into secured is like teaching a baby how to read a book
i was hoping more for the experience as felt by the avoidant, an explanation of the feelings from their perspective. the title led me to believe this would be a video more on the thoughts and feelings as experienced by those with avoidant attachment styles.
Im tired of hearing how to dance around these people. They draw you in with everything they have and then they drop the mask at some point and dissapear. Its false advertisement extreme and you dont learn it for sometimes years. You call them on the carpet and about it and the go run and hide and blame you. If you cant show up in a relationship and you have to keep people at a distance...then dont start one
That's bc you lack self-awareness of what others have to put up with about YOU. I promise you're just as exhausting to others in your own way.
A man who keeps ignoring you is not ready for you. Long story short...
I was lucky enough to engage with 2 of these types. First I thought he was gay. Then I started noticing the similar behaviors that I had already experienced... On going circles, backing out when it gets deep... BLA BLA... All the insecurities.. they are a lot of work , this man are not able to take care of you, they are exhausting and very very stressful to deal with ... It's up to you
I would call this a personal disorder?
3 years together I’m a FA she’s a DA. I’ve been doing a lot of work on my issues. Birthdays were never important to my family so I told her 2 weeks ago I wanted to make this year important. I told her a week ago I just wanted to spend time with her. Today she decided there was something else she needed to do. Didn’t tell me. When I asked if I was going to see her she said no. My instinct is to run.
Ouch
That person is mean. Doesn’t matter what type of attachment style. Just mean. Now think of all the other ways they have been mean to you and leave.
this is so sick.. you deserve better
Don't ever settle for someone who is not choosing you. Dive deep on why you allow this behavior and do yourself a favor and let her go she's not the one for you.
They do that. This is some sort of shutting down mechanism. I have experienced this a lot. 6 years into the relationship with a DA. I am securely attached. It's very hard to understand this but unless there's a form of affection that doesn't change with time, these relationships won't stand with time. You need to be able to reflect on your feelings and how you want to do this. There's always this option to move out of it. Work on yourself and then the answers will come to you.
I have been with a DA for 3 years and there is so little physical affection it is killing me i have expressed that I like and need affection and nothing changes. Sometimes it feels like we are just friends
I was in the same situation. I had to leave because he’d never love me the way I needed to be loved. We still remained very good friends, but a romantic relationship didn’t work.
if they liked you enough in the first place they wouldnt make it impossible to communicate.
This video accurately reflects my experience with a DA over the past year.
The flaw finding trait can be so subtle. My DA used to applaud me in the early days as I don’t tend to complain about things. Great I thought, she appreciates this and will reciprocate. Time passed, conflicts emerged and I would feel strongly attacked - she was now complaining about me!
I would state my needs - recognising I'm unskilled sometimes with my words (I’m an AP moving towards Secure) - but this was often seen as clear criticism towards her, and for no good reason (her perception)! My DA is super sensitive to ANY perceived criticism, upsetting harmony for hours and days at a time.
More videos specifically bringing into view the DAs many practical, but ultimately unhelpful, strategies/traits would be fantastic. It’s great you’ve mentioned a few here - withdrawing intimacy, stonewalling, sensitivity to criticism. I’d add: harsh verbal responses (due to shame and/or defensiveness?), intolerance to others’ slip-ups (maybe perfectionism?), and feeling liking I’ve fallen from a pedestal (idolisation/devaluation maybe?).
Such videos might allow a helpful discussion to take place and if nothing else, might challenge the DAs view that “they are okay and it’s others who are not”.
Thank you for the practical words used in your positive framing examples 🙏This is so valuable, and the more the merrier please going forward, as some of us don’t know how to do this as we’ve not had the role models in our lives.
Your PDS courses are helping me a lot with my reprogramming. It’s taking time, but I’m on it and will continue towards secure attachment and can’t wait to see how the world looks then!
I went through the exact same pattern and details. She grew resentful over time for me "criticizing" her (I actually was trying to help her by pointing out something she could improve with her work, and yes, she had asked me for that kind of help before). She "let it pass", which meant she shut down on the issue, never talked about what actually hurt her, did not even give me an idea back then I got misunderstood, and much later brought it up as a flaw found in me. She could forget the act of criticizing itself, but not the bad feeling it gave her. It seems the DA tends to sort of pile up the "bad feeling " experiences with their partners unrelated to the actual cause or conflict. Even a calm and deescalating attempt to clarify that misunderstanding later got dismissed by her, as she simply could no longer "forgive" the bad feeling it gave her. This could be a personality trait. though.
Over time this behavior of not communicating problems she experienced but silently blaming me for my "flaws" drowned all good emotions and feelings of her for me. It made the relationship feel complicated, burdensome and annoying more and more. At the same time she grew more and more convinced, that the problem was our incompatibility. She was not blaming only me for this, she often said that she's the one not matching me well enough. Which funnily a few weeks earlier was completely opposite - back then she expressed how excited she felt about us matching and understanding each other so well.
I am still puzzled this can go so quickly (about 5 months).
@@corumeachSpot on and a beautiful summation of something I’ve experienced (but couldn’t articulate as well as you have here)
@@MinorKey135Hope you are doing better, I still have a long way to go.
@@corumeach I am (it’s been rough but I’m in the end stages now). We both have a ways ahead, yet we can take heart knowing we’re doing our best to keep putting our best foot forward. That’s really all we can do
@@corumeach Thank you for sharing your experience and for doing it so clearly. I can relate when you say your DA piles up "bad feeling". Mine does the same, which over time becomes a dominant experience for them. On top of that, I now occasionally hear about the toxicity (in their eyes) of our relationship. DAs may not be aware they do this; it's a subconscious process and therefore out of their awareness.
You've also reminded me about how my DA talks of incompatibility! It's so frustrating as it's often used as evidence when blame doesn't work or is challenged. This again may be a subconscious process whereby the DA cannot see any fault in themselves but does in others.
It comes down to whether both parties want to do the work to heal their attachment style and move to a secure place. I've started this (using Thais's PDS courses) and it's a priority for me. My DA has shown interest in attachment work, but I am unsure how committed she is and how big a priority it is for her to get to a secure place. Sometimes there's a hint that her life would be better/easier if she just met a secured attached person!
22 years married, 15 of it sexless, she sees no problem being avoidant, distanced and living in her head and in her safe space walls. She acknowledges it, but is seems to she doesn't want me, she just wants me around. Still have kids in the home, but it's getting to the decision point soon. She simply refuses to address it, seek help (medical, psychological, anything)..
I just cheat. Yep
Sounds like you have a choice. To either give more of the best years of your life for nothing. Or go find your happiness with a healthy mentality.
If avoidants don’t recognise that they have a disorder, & cultivate progression from it, even though it takes time, if they are unwilling to move forward, you’ve got to leave them where they are.
15+ years experience me, I’m SA, she’s Fearful Avoidant. She’s progressed much being with me.
Tbh, you quote 15 of 22 years married as sexless, you could & most definitely should have left after maximum one year of the 15.
I would, in fact, with the ex wife who I initiated divorce with 34 years ago, I left her 6 months into marriage after she revealed her true nature, paranoid psychotic.
@@paulfitzpatrick6566 It started about 2 years after we adopted 4 kids (3 sisters / siblings) - not sure leaving after the first year of this would have benefitted them or myself financially as I was the only source of income. This is the trap - men are essentially indentured servants once you have children or live in an alimony state.
I hear what you're saying. However I was with an avoidant for 18 months, ran circles around him to respect his many needs and then came to the point that what I'm getting out of this relationship is not even a fraction of what I put in. His past trauma is not his fault, but neither is it mine to bear. His emotional instability is not worth my emotional instability caused directly by him. Happily single now.
Tbh DAs act so uninterested in my experience… like there is no winning with them.
😂😂 there is no winning with clingy anxious types either
It’s SO much work for the partner of a DA to get to a base status of stability within the relationship, it sounds exhausting and I’ve done a lot of it at different times. What does the Anxious attached get in return? DA’s don’t suddenly become loving and take accountability or make up for their past hurts. They just expect people to just adapt to them.
It is a difficult relationship dynamic to resolve, I often think it delves into the world of true incompatibility (that’s what Teal Swan sometimes says about the dynamic) even though nature wants each other to heal each other’s wounds and that is the attraction. However, I don’t think it is possible by percentages. I don’t see very many couples able to overcome the dynamic and be truly happy. Maybe they don’t post online or comment, but I’d really like to hear from couples who are in a happier place dating a DA or Avoidant partner. 👀
I think you'll find that there are no success stories for the partners of avoidants, without a serious impact on the avoidant's partner.
I asked myself the same question,did the research and even sites like Free To Attach clearly state, it's a "dysfunctional, demotivating, and draining experience to date or try to relate to an avoidant, especially if you're a secure attachment person". Based on that, I'd not hold your breath for a success story.
And if there is one I bet the partner of the avoidant has one or all of these :
1. Looks ten or twenty years older than they are due to being ran through with avoidant behaviour .
2. Has a lot of stress that has not only aged them but f**ked them up too and they now need therapy due to dealing with an avoidant.
3. Wishes that they would have left earlier.
Watch for education the videos that expose the problems with avoidants and dating them , don't expect a happy outcome. All though these comments on these TH-cam videos you see the misery for the partner silly enough to hold on, knowing it's not for them.
The thing is that no seriously insecure person can have a stable relationship, no matter their attachment style, they have to heal before they can choose a suitable partner. But those who are secure enough, find a good enough partner and make it work. I'm convinced that anxious people and avoidants have no business being together, they have opposing needs and can't even see or accept each other for who they really are. How can anyone have a stable relationship with such a dynamic? Avoidants do well with other avoidants, this I know coming from an avoidant background, but I don't know if anxious people form strong relationships with other anxious. We never know these things, because as you mentioned, the majority of people who made their relationshps work, don't share much about their relationships in attachment groups.
@@anzelaiv my parents are SA and DA. Been reasonably happily married 48 years.
@@Littleowl85352 I can see that dynamic working. I find that a lot of people who say they're secure are in fact not and that contributes their relationship not working with a DA.
Precisely. Connection doesn’t mean compatibility.
I was led on by a dismissive avoidant who then did a 180 and told me that we were in the “very early stages of a friendship” when I took their bait and it got too real for them. “Very early stages” was oddly specific and a deactivating strategy from them. Some dismissive avoidants in the comments claim it’s annoying when others demand things of them. Well, stop sending mixed signals then or date each other and leave the rest of us alone.
I'm sorry but it so hard to deal with a DA. Why would I want to when I can find a women that really wants to be with me, to be in my life and easy to get along with?
I always wonder this. I’m a DA and also a straight shooter. I have told men nothing will ever happen, not sex, not romance, nothing. They pretend to understand for a few weeks, then circle back around to play victim as if my bodily autonomy is negotiable. I swear I think one of the biggest issues in dating is everyone wants ppl who don’t want them. I met a man who had women interested in him. He would ignore them to be on the phone with me all day (in our 7 months of knowing one another I never texted nor called him first once but I’m ok with conversation.) He’s now crying discard when I told him I don’t think we should continue contact. But I did it because he was growing increasingly agitated when I didn’t respond to his sexual innuendos that he’d slip in between conversations about the news and work-I no longer felt safe. Anyone who would keep pushing at someone’s boundaries and then lashing out as if victims is potentially dangerous to me. Long story short, I agree.
@@sj3969 that's the main issue I'm having. I'm not interested in or attracted to available people at all. So I don't date or pursue anyone. That's what the red flag was in me that I had some sort of subconscious programming that led me to continually put myself in impossible mental loops. But I guess I, unlike many others and unlike the guys bothering you, don't feed into the issue. My inbox is full of past undesirables that come up out of the distant past, too.
@@sj3969May I ask, why do you date if you don't want romance or sex?
@@MadisonEstesyes, exactly. It’s not rocket science is it?
Unless she’s saying that she attracts men in the course of going about her life, but then, sex & romance don’t present with casual acquaintances.
If you can’t give sex & romance, you need to stop playing with guys.
If you don’t, & it’s highly selfish & destructive, you’re going to be assaulted.
I’d say to the lady in question, sort your life out.
True. When the relationship became real and he expressed deep feelings is when he began the slow fade. Eventually, he monkey branched. He wanted to be friends. Nope!! I have forgiven him since I understand. Never again!! I am mostly secure.
what is monkey branched?
This is a textbook description of my experience with my ex-boyfriend, during our 2 1/2 year relationship.
I'm so avoidant that I have a crush from afar but am afraid to even ask someone out (let alone go on a date or get into a relationship). But I still experience these stages towards them, and it keeps cycling. I don't know how to get out of the cycle 😭
I found that my DA actually respects and appreciates when I communicate my needs if I'm able to be very specific and practical about it. It's actually in line with a DA worldview of looking out for yourself / being self sufficient. Because advocating for your needs is a confident and secure way of looking out for yourself. Which I think a DA can relate to. "Nobody else is going to be willing to communicate what I need. So I get why this person needs to tell me. Because nobody else will." But yes if I'm overly negative or if I'm blaming for how I feel / see things he is going to shut down or feel triggered and frustrated /anxious. That being said inhave called him out for shitty apologies lol which left him a little bit speechless but made an impact. He said "I didn't mean to make you feel that way I am sorry that isn't what I intended" and I said "a better apology would be where you say sorry and reflect on what part you played in how I feel because i believe if you care which I think you do you could listen better to what you can do to help me finding better or finding a resolution " or whatever. And I was like "I'm sure someone has told you that a shitty apology beforr" and he laughed and said no they haven't. And he stopped saying that to me.
The flaw finding thing is I think better than "oh, they've got flaws, let me fix them into what I think they should be!" I admit to flaw finding. That's why it's hard to find someone I actually want to be with. I guess being in flight or fright for many years you're on the lookout for the next person who'll irredeemably irritate you. So I'm working on my mental health so that I can manage people's limitations more readily.
Experiencing romantic feelings feels like a very bad idea when it happens to me. It's not what seems morally correct somehow. Sure, let's me think about someone- a person- when I should be focussing on my work and study and personal/emotional healing! No time for that... gotta focus on my responsibilities. That seems to be the thought process. I'm working on the idea that I can let myself have feelings if they make me happy.
You are irritating me with your childish comments. Go away spewing your nonsense! Leave people alone if they irritate you, focus on your work and hobbies, no one needs you !
@@ld921 you don't think it's helpful to hear views from an avoidant's perspective? I enjoy this person's comments personally.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes I can't see that comment anymore. I'm not their ex. Don't know why they decided to try and ruin my day. But it's their problem if they want to attack people for no reason... would be wise of them not to... what goes around comes around. Thanks for enjoying my perspective 🌹
@@Littleowl85352if you click on newest comments you can see it. And no problem. I love my DA friends.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes no because they are all regressive in their thought processes. Childish and immature. Life is about balance why don’t they see the give and take? It’s me me me, flaw finding is a primitive defense mechanism, gimme a break, everyone on earth is flawed, sooo who will he find that’s perfect?
Siiiick of being hated on in the comment section of these videos 😂
Signed, a DA.
It sucks for us but carrying that bitterness and hatred is worse for them. They are out of their minds.
@@Littleowl85352 I'm a healed FA, but I used to think similarly to the commenters. It's easy to spot unhealed people...even the ones that claim they're secure...because I was one of them. It's also easier to blame then to dare say they had any part of the turmoil within their relationship with the avoidant. My attachment style gets smashed in the comments sometimes too, but I rarely jump in because unhealed FA's can be a scary site to behold. 😂 I know because I live in my own body.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes yep my encounter with one irl was the most terrifying event in my life and I'm fairly unshockable! But I figured it must suck to be that way so I'm not going to be too twisted about it. It is cool to be here and learn about FAs because I was in utter wtf mode for two years at least. I'm still unconvinced I didn't startle a wild chimpanzee. But I definitely should have explained better at the time why I was enacting a cutoff... although the possibility of fruitful discussion with an unhealed FA is probably fairly low? But DAs can be ruthless too, there's a whole string of people I simply ghosted when they began to bore me and that was hardly kind.
@@Littleowl85352 “didn’t startle a wild chimpanzee” is hilarious. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with some emotional control, yall!
@@mayasevelen the comedown off those fits of rage must be terrible, yes emotional control needs to be learned... in a way that's not just emotional repression. Working on it!
LOVE IS A TWO WAY STREET
Best advice is don't date these jerks. YEARS AGO I tried to do all these things, encourage therapy, etc. He didn't care, screw him. They can stay avoidant &boring. Hope they find some1 just like them.
GOLDEN. Thank you
Another great video. Thank you Thais!
I’m in a long term relationship and we are both in couples therapy. I realized that I have elements of an avoidant attachment style. I sabotage relationships by trying to hedge my bets and keep my options open. I was only in open relationships for 8 years bc I needed to feel like I wasn’t dependent on one person. I engage in flaw finding and convince myself the relationship is going to fail. As soon as my partner started desiring less sex I started sleeping in another room and going on long vacations because I couldn’t handle being around the perceived rejection. Im attracted to “impossible” relationships because subconsciously I feel comfortable in them. I was with someone who was 30 years older than me for 4 years, and I was with another man who lived on a different continent for a year! I love my current bf so much and I’m hoping that I can overcome these tendencies so we can make it. We’ve been together for almost 4 years and I want to wake up in 4 more years and have him next to me.
This was an awesome breakdown - thank you!
Hello, Thais. I am really liking the introductions jumping right in to the topic while showing peaceful images of couples interacting. Your helpful, brief instructions give guidance for navigating coupledom with avoidant-leaning people. Thank you, Thais.
Thankyou ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤!!!
I'm beginning to believe it's not worth the effort
Thank you for bringing this topic up but the content has been addressed before. this video is not about how they are experiencing romantic feelings per say, like I wanted to know. I’m in a relationship with an avoidance I often wonder if he loves me and he shows love more in a practical type of way like he does things for the family but he rarely shows me any affection, or very little.
Engaged to a DA and an FA myself, there is a lot if work needed specifically with communication. We both got individual therapy as well as couples therapy and its made all the difference. I am learning to regulate my more volatile feelings and he is learning to share his inner world with me... overall, it gets better and better with time. The underlying commitment that we have to each other is what makes it work. Our communication was so poor at one point that we (a few times) almost didnt make it where we are and we both considered walking away - and we are both glad we didnt. Many of the relationships are DOA because to commit to someone like a DA is a leap of faith. But if you and your partner are both willing to make changes to become earned secure, there is a chance.
This is so true. Too much work for me. He eventually monkey branched to another. and wanted to be friends. I am mostly secure with some avoidance tendencies myself. I like independence also. I am feeling happier without him. Healing and moving on…
You can not have a healthy relationship with an avoidant unless they work on themselves and develop a secure attachment eventually. It will always be an unequal give and take with them, without their emotional intelligence and compassion for hurting you.
Well, if they had these developed anyway, they would be securely attached 🙃
Being SA with DA traits, I wonder if any research has shown that sometimes people move too quickly than what the DA is comfortable with. I've learned to never to discuss things such as commitment unless the woman brings it up first because it's easier to gauge where she wants the relationship to go. If she's no longer interested in you, she'll stop going on dates with you. If she IS interested, she'll bring up commitment. Works better for me. 🤷🏿
Ha! I'm you, but female, so the conundrum is if we are both SA with DA traits, dating each other, we're both waiting on the other to mention commitment and will be on a hamster wheel (but to be fair, I think women in general would bring it up first, but if I get a whiff of the guy not being interested in moving towards the next step, it kicks up my some of my DA traits.
@@kellikakes81 I find women typically fall in love much slower than men, so knowing those things up front I wouldn't be asking an SA/DA about commitment at all.
We know that sometimes people move way too quickly even for SA comfort levels. Thais made a few videos on this. Your strategy to let the woman lead is understandable, but it still allows you to avoid acknowledging and addressing your own interpersonal needs and desires by waiting for her to decide, instead of making your intentoions and wishes clear upfront. A relationshiop can really benefit from a bit more clarity and intentionality from both partners. It helps your partner to know where they stand with you, instead of wondering and guessing.
@@anzelaiv while I understand your sentiment, I argue that a woman knows full well a man's intentions if he's taking her on dates. Dating is a vetting process in which two people decide whether or not they are right for each other and because of that, I'm not going to try and force someone to commit to me. A woman will decide whether or not she wants a commitment and whether or not there is enough chemistry or emotional connection as well. No amount of me demanding we place a label on things is going to raise her interest level. In fact, it's likely to LOWER it. This is actually why I continue meeting and dating other women in the meantime. No sense in waiting around for something that may or may not happen, as that only blocks the RIGHT person from coming into your life.
@@sifublack192I agree that at the end of the day, it is the woman who controls these things and there's little use trying to "lobby" for more. Generally, it is not equal, but that's the nature of things.
BTW I love the way you do your makeup. Your vids are helpful. I have an avoidant wife. If a sexless marriage is defined as 10 times a year or less, most of the marriage has been sexless. No intimacy, very little physical contact at all, any situation which suggests the slightest intimacy, such as being in the enclosed space of a car together to go on a short trip, lots of hostility. It has been hard on me, more than I can describe to anybody who hasn't experienced it. After 35 years of this treatment, it is hard for me to claim that I love my wife, but I am very much devoted to my wife--it could be the way I am built, the way I was raised, or it could simply be because I am an Anxious-Insecure attachment type. Going thru vids on TH-cam, and you seem to have done more that are really helpful than anybody I have encountered yet, seem to be helping me navigate the minefield of her reactions. At least I understand what she is doing as self-protection more than outright rejection, intentional humiliation, and hostility. Sorry for the rant. Thanks again, and keep posting.
I tried everything for years big waste of time, nothing changed.
Thank you for your experience and information!
As an avoidant, I can’t imagine being disrespectful, disparaging, or, in any way, abusive towards someone I deeply care about could be constructive. However, when this type of behavior is leveled against me, I don’t see any point in sticking around. Hypothetically, if I were to accept this behavior as the cost of being in a relationship, the behavior will escalate. Maybe I’m wrong about my observations. If so, please enlighten me.
Se eles fogem... Deixem fugir. Cada pessoa tem o seu tempo.
Thank you for everything that you do. You have been so helpful ❤
This is not different from all the other avoidant attachment styles videos, it would be really interesting to see a video what do they experience what are they doing thinking feeling/ do they feel anything or are they numb?
I wish in the video titles we could distinguish between which avoidant
I think this could be really helpful you gave real examples also for neurodivergents!! Often times we take things very literal and having generalized examples helps loosen the rigid view
I have a question. If a relationship with an avoidant person reaches Phase 3, will it always stay in Phase 3? Never going back to Phases 1 and 2?
❤ great question ⁉️
Can I ask you if this is the same pattern for someone Online ? My online friend seems to be avoidant, how can I tell ONLINE only ???
Is it a good way for a dating stage is to be friends with benefits with the person and see how things go with them. Also see how each other communicate and work in relationships before officially date them?
I am thinking of chunking into easy steps before going into big one then another big one without both wanting to take the step wanted without feeling comfortable.
That's risky business. While it may be more comfortable for them, you run the chance of developing strong feelings and if they aren't interested in a relationship, you take the risk of getting hurt. I prefer going with the flow like your approach, but it hasn't always worked out in my favor.
How do you know an FWB wouldn't grab your heart, thys making it harder to recognize and pull out of a bad situation. Second, if you start FWB, you may stay that way.
For a moment, forget about attachment. The truth is, this is a dangerous approach with anyone. Society has sometimes sold this idea, to give things a test run, but it usually doesn't work well. Likely, one party will experience heartbreak. It may seem boring and old-fashioned, but saving physical intimacy for within a solid relationship, or even marriage if your principles dictate it, can go a long way.
You need to learn immediately that you don't condition or otherwise manipulate someone into being in a relationship with you. You need to be absolutely clear with them from the start that you want a relationship with them and if they say no you do the dignified thing and look elsewhere. If you can't do that you have no business dating until you have healed your attachment style.
My crush online seem to be this way. She is afraid of REAL commitment. Yet, she seeks toxic relationship with people, usually men, and things ends a few days after, sometimes a week. She has high lows and feel depressed. I dont know what to do anymore, seeing her like this makes me feel sick. I cannot be there for her physically, since she is online and a few countries away from me, I wish I was able to help. I have a feeling she might be avoidant, I dislike labels tho.
How do you heal as an avoidant? I've tried talk therapy but it feels so deeply ingrained in my way of being.
possibly emdr therapy? i’m not sure but it could help. good luck friend and good on you for trying to heal!
Somatics
Does this video only apply to Dismissive Avoidants or also Fearful Avoidants? Sorry I just thought there could be some confusion.
I see it as DA and DA leaning FA's.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes I'm definitely an Fa leaning DA except when I'm pursuing a DA then the anxious side comes out and it's not strong at first it's like I'm fighting to remain avoidant, but they do it better and nothing will change unless I do it, and also because it has worked in the past, even if it didn't last it worked to like reconnect for abit or get sex even if they went avoidant again, but I don't really like leaning anxious it's not a good feeling at all.
@@mws12345same. I've taken PDS courses and now test SA but I've always been the same as you...FA leaning DA. Being in my anxious side feels awful.
I’m FA, got out of a relationship with a DA. She definitely brought out the anxious side to me. I hated feeling like that.
Cool video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, I was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but I couldn't just let her go I did all I could to get her back, I had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do I reach her?
Her name is Maurice Gleti, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, I just looked her up online. impressive
Check out coach Ken. He’s amazing. His videos are on here yet you can book a session with him as well.
The more I listen to these videos, the more it seems to me these avoidant folks are emotionally stunted, seems they need to be coddled, and all the effort falls on the non avoidant. Relationships are already challenging enough, let alone having to carry their weight as well. Am I wrong?
I agree. I just got broken up with. At the time I wasn't aware of attachment theory. But now it makes a bit of sense. This was my first relationship so I have no idea what I'm doing.. I'm just acting in good faith.
description:
This girl was my best friend before. We started dating when I told her I started liking her more than a friend. She began relying on me for everything, motivate her for studies, bring up emotional talks, encourage her to improve her work situation and etc etc. I would do this for this girl and only after she broke with me I realized how much of a toll this took on me. Everything was going great besides though, except communication. She was actually less open to me then when we were friends. Hiding all emotions.. And only willing to communicate about relationship stuff over text while we saw eachother in person all the time. I told her many times I don't want to talk about it over text I'm super bad at texting about things with an emotional load.
So what happened...
I texted something a bit too bluntly. It was in the late evening so I was sleeping when she reacted. The entire night she is sending messages and getting mad at me for not replying.
In the morning I apologize. She lashes out at me and never spoke to me again.
Now I know about attachment styles. I'll be honest. If I think I'm dating an avoidant I'll straight up ask them if they are aware of this. If not. I'm OUT.
This girl really screwed me over. Leaving me with unanswered questions and heartbroken right before finals week...
When did this channel become alllll about people with an avoidant attachment style?
Hate to say it but it's because noone is interested in anxious types. They put themselves out there too much and complain a lot, there's no mystery or interest to them.
@@Littleowl85352 😂
@@Littleowl85352 ouch. Truth 💣. Lol Ironically enough, I've talked with some anxious attachments on here and they've admitted not being attracted to anxious types either. I then ask them to reflect on that for a sec. You can't be mad when an avoidant avoids you then turn around and do the same to someone more anxious than you are. 🤷♀️
Because they're the most problematic, ‼️hate to say it but anxious types would be easier to deal with and as a secure attachment person I'd rather deal with anxious behaviour and totally avoid the avoidant.
Education on avoidant behaviour is 🗝️ to help navigate the drama in dating because it's the most toxic 💯.
@@nianicole91sad but true
There are so many excuses made for men (or women) who act selfishly, and callously. Love should never be this hard! A relationship with an avoidant is exactly the same as having to raise another child in an adult's body and face (this makes having sex with the avoidant disturbing; it's like having sex with a kid in an immature adult). My advice to my kids is to stay away from people who cannot love and are emotionally unavailable. The avoidant needs to grow the f^ck up. I married an avoidant, but the biggest mistake I ever made was to have children with one. I worry about my kids in their future relationships. Stop ego stroking these people. They make others' lives miserable. They're emotionally abusive. They have a high propensity to cheat, flirt... all "coping" mechanism bullshit 🙄
I am an avoidant. My husband of 20 years is not. However my husband had 2 affairs and since then I just can't seem to forgive and forget and I believe that is part of why I just can't change from an avoidant like he wants me to. I have no idea what to do as I can't leave because I have 3 kids and he is the breadwinner. Any ideas what I can do?
How about he change from being a cheater?? There’s no excuse for that
Nah, I'm sorry don't blame your non avoidant husband and his affair for "why you can't change". The reason you can't change is nothing to do with him, and everything to do with you, and you probably should not have wasted twenty years of that man's life with your avoidant behaviour that you don't seem to want to change from your above statement. That's all I've got to say about that.
Avoidant people always want to see the fault in others never them, you are not avoidant because of your non avoidant husband, the joke is on you for saying that 😳
honestly, sounds like you'd both greatly benefit from marriage counseling! speaking from my own past pain! before even being able to truly address any marital issues, each party must deal w/their own issues 1st for any kinda healing to be possible! best of luck to u both ❤️🙏
Get a job and become financially independent.
Not all cluster B's Stonewall out of manipulation or control all the time .. lets not generalise here.. We do out of protection aswell as like Dismissive Avoidants.
i often hear this comparison with cluster B personalities and avoidants. its offered in mitigation but thats not really helpful. If my tyre goes flat, it generally doesnt matter to me what caused it, its the impact of the tyre being flat that matters. It needs to be repaired before i can continue to drive. it could be that i just hit a curb or the valve is faulty, or it could be that somebody slashed it with a knife. point is, the result the same. Now, I know I should drive carefully to prevent accidental damage but thats not always as easy as it sounds. Same applies to dating avoidants. That tyre will go flat eventually and i can fix it but its going to keep on happening so its better to buy a better tyre.
I actually read the DSM -5 and can confirm yes from page 600 onwards ( if I got the page right ) avoidant behaviour is classed as a borderline personality disorder. Mmm, it's a thing.
@@justme9514 mostly the comparisons I see are about the discard. People try to say that an avoidant doesn’t mean to cause pain as opposed to say a narcissist who does. But as I say above, the end result is the same if you are on the receiving end. It’s just not worth the pain.
@@Crypto-Live that's a good observation and you're right. That said do be aware that avoidant behaviour has its own "special diagnosis" as a borderline personality disorders in the DSM-5 that is to say that, regardless of whether they "mean to harm or not" it's still an actual personality disorder that is used to diagnose people medically with this issue.
I only learned this as I read that it's a BPD and said to myself, it not that deep is it? And when I read the DSM-5 used by therapists or doctors working with those they need to diagnose and treat avoidants then 💥 boom, it was there in black and white.
I think you make a great point,but whether they mean it or not it could be argued as it's irrelevant.... It's a personality disorder regardless. But hey, this just my view after looking over documents and various sites so I understood if I could risk losing my own SA style and sanity to deal with an avoidant and it was a hard pass after learning exactly what they're about in terms of behaviour and character, they may be nice people but their issues they need to work on and become healthy before they are really worth investing in. It's always good to do the reading to help yourself.
@@justme9514 completely agree with you. I’ve used the DSM-5 many times over the last ten or so years and of course I believe it is a valuable and well researched source but always remember that the “science” of people is never cut and dried. But yes, I do stand by my view and your point about losing your sanity is another critical part of the picture.
Thy no exactly what there doing..go to therapy and figure it out and change, simple or stay single for god sake.
Stop trying to change avoidants. They will only change if they want to, not because you want them to. Besides, how selfish is it to want someone to change just so you can have your dream partner or fantasy relationship. Let them be or let them go. So annoying...
It is somewhat reminiscent of the "Hedgehog's Dilemma" from Evangelion.
The general concesus from these comments is DAs aren't worthy of love, makes me feel so much better 🙄
No... the avoidant does not engage in mutual love...
@marilynharrington9821 maybe we want to but we don't know how due to shitty upbringings ever think of that? 🤔🙄
Looking in a mirror
I am a " DA" who is completely content with my adjustment to life. I don't want to rely on 99% of ALL people who will betray you. My dog never will. Woof ! The only way to be disappointed or hurt by a DA is to expect too much of them in a codependent manner.
Yeah, except DAs think that wanting to hang out once a week and a daily goodnight text is "codependent," even in a multi-year relationship 😐 the truth is the DAs and APs BOTH take things to the extreme. Yes, anxious folks tend to want a lot of time and attention from their partners - certainly more than what an avoidant can give. But, avoidants also expect too much from their partners, in the form of distance and solitude. Like, truly, what is even the point of being in a relationship with someone if you never want to see them? That's why APs and SAs get so frustrated with DAs.
I think it's great that you're honest with yourself, and have decided you'd rather be alone than navigate others' feelings, if that's what a good life looks like for you. You're doing the responsible thing by not wasting your or anyone else's time. I mean this genuinely, go enjoy your peace!
@@lilymulligan8180 well-said! couldn't agree more!
Stop repeating the definition of an avoidant st the beginning. Just get to it.
Just get to it? Entitled much? 🙄
might be some peoples first video and you can skip it if it bothers you that much lol
Rude