Yes, but there was something different from what you discribe, he showered me with love, attention and dedication, lots of Love messages in the early stages of dating, and when I was secure in the relationship months later, he almost stopped sending messages, especially in the morning, when we were both on our way to work. I asked him why and the answer was that we spent the evening before having a coffee, a dinner, whatever it was and he was tired in the morning. I found the answer strange at the time, but now I feel i was lovebombed. Avoidants lovebomb too, or is it just a narcissistic trait?
I dated a DA for six months without having a clue about relationship types, that he was a DA and I have a secure attachment style. I found out your channel while watching random TH-cam videos about breakups and trying to give meaning to his actions and contradicting words. Thanks for all the clarifications Thais, you did me a great help in finding closure 💕And you are almost always describing my ex bf which is kinda funny as well😂 It seems he was developing strong feelings for me and said all these things in different formats except the sixth one. He was surprisingly open to healthy communication, would listen, sleep on it and then randomly open the discussion again. He would also try to meet some of my needs and wants but at turtle pace! For the more “demanding” ones like going on vacations, he just said he could not yet. It’s a pity it ended… I was wondering if you could also make some videos about “breaking up with a DA”. I understand it is generally the DAs ending the relationship but some people including myself also break up with them. Anyhow, thanks for the information you are providing. It really helped me post-breakup!
The most heartbreaking thing is when both FAs and DAs assume the relationship is not fixable. Yet it is. It’s just a matter of being vulnerable and working thru that trauma and meeting each others needs 💔
To be honest maybe one has better or more satisfactory things to do than attempt to perform cpr on a relationship... it seems a very draining, overly complicated and tumultuous operation with little point to it. One is much more inclined to grab at peace and quiet which is sooooo much more healing. Imagine you made a lasagna, you put too much crazy spices in it, would you spend hours picking out each individual spice so you could eat that specific lasagna or would you throw the lasagna out and then concentrate on learning how to be a better cook and then make another lasagna when you're ready?
Yes and no. Just because there is a way to fix it in theory, doesn't mean it's possible to do so at any stage of someone's healing or awareness. It's easy to say that all it takes is vulnerability and meeting each other's needs, but majority of avoidant deal with all kinds of childhood trauma and they have to face it in their own time, not when a relationship needs fixing. The relationship is not the point of healing for the majority of avoidants. It can trigger the motivation to heal, but that's because we want to overcome our struggles and be better people, not to save a relationship that is already falling apart.
Beautyfull message. I've never had a real relationship. Before I was selfaware I only fell for people that were the furthest of compatable as if it was some sort if challange. So basically the selfsabotage started already with just the attraction. If it went a bit further I always felt like an anxious fixer. Than realised how toxic it was, how I was the only one trying and giving but also expecting to much from the wrong people.. Anyways. Those connections weren't worth saving. They actually traumatised me even more. But it also made me research en discover the attachementstyles. The thing is.. Nobody sees you are fearfull avoidant. Friends just wonder why I am always single. But nobody grasps the amount or trauma that's in me. Especially as I am outwardly so focused on connection, positivity and growth. Long story short nobody understands and shows compassion of how tough life has been for me, nobody shows some flexibility when I am showing up vulnerable got dismissed and respond in an automatic push behaviour. Suddenly I am at the same place as always, anticipating and empathising with others but making one mistake and inmediatly got left. I never had people around me that had patience with me. And therefor I just tried to be perfect. How could I communicate that I could make mistakes (activation) when it was always punished? This weekend I did the same thing after working on my FA now for a few years.. I got in a situation that me and my best friend kissed. I asked what he was thinking as it confused me. But he started talking about what we talked about before that. I felt inmediatly ignored and rejected and unimportant. I didn't think I just graped his coat and said it's time you go home. For the first time ever I realised.. I am doing it right now. I saw his shock on his face. And I said, sorry I don't know what came over me. Why don't you sit down? Can we talk about it? He said he was shocked about me rushing him away and I admitted that I think I pushed him away because I felt ignored.. And he said.. I get that.. I was just so surprised I couldn't really process what just happend hance I talked about what happend before it. I think you went on automatic pilot aswell? It's good we can talk now. And I never ever been forgiven like that... I am 32 and have never been forgiven of being inperfect for having activation or deactivation tactics because of all my trauma. I have never had conversations about why sudden subjects are triggering for me and how vulnerability can make me feel very unstable and insecure. I didn't think I could come along someone who would show softness to my defence meganisms as it has always been punished. Even tho I know there are many like me who wants to understand and have empathy for people's trauma background and copings.. I always thought they wouldn't find me as I am the one that was there for others. People who want to see and undertand you past your copingmeganismes that sometimes slip in are the ones healing the world. Learning it is safe to be vulnerable even if your defense meganism shows up. Not saying it's a good behaviour but it's understandable as long as we take accountability and work on it.
I agree with you. The choice to run rather then even try leaves the dumpee deflated and makes them feel like the relationship initself was a fruitless endeavor. Running away out of self preservation instead of trying is sad. 10 years of knowing someone gone over a weekend.
I'll tell you what they do... once they start to fall in love their fears get triggered and they quickly start falling out of love they flaw find, deactivate, and surpress their feelings and bc they're not self aware, they will just assume you must be the wrong person for them and they'll end the relationship.
Thanks for sharing your experience! This can happen if someone isn't aware of their attachment style or doing the work to heal. Just don't forget that anyone with an insecure attachment style can do the work the heal and become securely attached! ❤🩹
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool yep. The most heart breaking and gut wrenching experience of my life. DAs run so hot and cold and love sending mixed signals. One minute I'm getting a text that says "wish you were here" and less than 2 weeks later she tells me she's past the point of no return 🤷♂️
I have to push back on this. The DA's I've been acquainted with don't fall out of love easily once they're in it. I have a very DA friend who has been in love with the same woman for over 10 years past their break up. I think she is a DA too. She's now married with kids and he still finds reasons to bring her up. Also, my ex DA is still in love with me regardless of how many times I've walked away. I'd say maybe if they have love FOR you but not be IN love with you that might be true. I'm not saying they won't walk away if they're in love. I'm saying if they're really in love, they don't easily fall out of it. Again, that's just my experience.
@@LeeChrissyyou are very much correct. People fall for us and we don't want to hurt their feelings, we will try and play along when we are younger but it's hard for us to really fall. When we do it's deep but we won't put up with nonsense just to maintain a relationship.
@@tumbleweedconnection7906 This just happened to me. I'm SA but AP-Leaning (former full Anxious-Preoccupied) and she went from "I miss you" "I wish you were here with me" "I love __ about you etc." to "something's missing" to ending it completely without verbally voicing her needs, being open to reframing how she views emotions and vulnerability in general, and actually letting me in so I can help her. It happened so fast because we were doing great for 2 months, I push back one time to try and develop more emotional closeness and then she leaves me a few days later. I'm now stuck here in awe and confusion about how someone can throw away such a promising dynamic if they were just willing to trust a tiny bit and take the risk knowing they had someone to help guide them. It really sucks.
As a senior citizen who has experienced many episodes of "love" throughout my life, I've noticed similar parallels & challenges in the love language of dogs I've adopted over the years; abuse & neglect does some serious damage to the brain. I've consciously decided to remove myself from the human pool of "love " to further focus on more rewarding endeavors. WOOF !
Great & insightful observation 😃 My Scooby has been far more of a faithful friend in the last 27 years than any person. He’s also my Emotional Support Partner.
I had to tell my semi-daughter you said this bc a couple months we "diagnosed" the cat with bpd/cptsd with disorganized attachment bc the behaviors are so consistent. if she was still a kitty, it'd be reactive attachment disorder hahaha but it's so true!
I wanna shout out to Thais Gibson and her team at PDS. I’ve literally just left a therapy session after a break from one year and I can GLADLY say I am far more secure. I used to be DA but after a lot of journaling, reflection, somatic processing, therapy, and most importantly using the PDS program I feel soooooo much better. For the first time I actually want companionship and want to give to other people. You feel it in your soul when you’re becoming more secure. Much love everybody.
Just reminded ofmy DA ex saying ‘I’m so happy when I see you ‘ and ‘ I want to spend more time with you’. Still his fears won even though I could feel he was in love with me 🤷♀️
She said to me once: You are the best of all what has happened to me. Only on some of my birthdays she flooded me with loving and kind messages with huge amount of emojis. Once she brought a birthday cake in the middle of the day w/o any prior calling. I stepped out of the door and there she was - a cake and a few burning candles in front of me. I was really positively shocked. Because on normal days her affection felt like rationing (food stamps or the like)…
I’m an FA and I’ve been involved with a DA for quite some time. Your videos have helped me put a lot in perspective. In some type of funny way, it feels like we are each other’s kryptonite. As in there are times where we don’t know how to handle each other because it feels like we’re dealing with a version of ourselves in a certain way. Throughout my experience, it’s made me realize how I’ve treated others in my past when my avoidant side surfaced. Now I’m more mindful of this and making the necessary changes. Some people may think I’m naive for sticking around as long as I have with her. I’ve noticed some of the signs you’ve mentioned and I’m willing to be patient and work with her when she’s ready. It may hurt me in the end and we may not end up together. From the person I’ve gotten to know, I love and care about her enough to take that chance even if it seems ever so slight. Appreciate you Thais🙌🏽
the way they said to me _"so i love you. i would be crushed to lose you. probably my biggest fear."_ in motherhumping 1993 and have kept me on a barbed wire leash ever since my god i am so done being a neglected service animal
"i don't want anything bad to happen, so i will protect myself & my comfort zone so ruthlessly that i will _make_ something bad happen" -typical DA logic also "i want successful relationships, so i must defend my autonomy" is gold these ppl are walking logic traps
It’s not a trap. Replace the word “but” with “only if”. Avoidants are driven by fear. I’m FA with a DA and it’s ok. People have to be super honest. And most people have that problem with honesty more than anything else. And if your words are not always reliable, then all the fears an avoidant has will come true.
@cecilang9721 as a recovered disorganized binch, nuh-uh. you can't allow your fear to weaponize itself against your relationships with ppl & other parts of life. it's like any other part of you that you must take responsibility for, like trauma & triggers & quirks or whatever-we cannot go around doing what protects our unchallenged perception of safety & comfort, then, when confronted with the way our actions impact others, assert that we are also victims instead of holding ourselves accountable, bc fear. your fear is not a hall pass. everyone is scared, life is terrifying. bravery isn't a feeling, it is a choice that you can make into a habit. treat ppl right anyway or maybe you're not a good person. conversely, if you want to feel like a good person, stop protecting yourself from acting right when you feel scared
@@cecilang9721 ALSO? I just think it's interesting to note that "i'm allowed to be aggressively defensive and cause harm bc I have a history of intense trauma" is the justification an entire country is trying to use rn, and it's really not okay on any scale don't coddle this anxiety or it will expand the borders of its hardline intolerance for discomfort
This is so funny bc my partner & I are BOTH D-A’s we speak each others language… lok😅 We will say “I have a very deep appreciation for you.” “I feel deep feelings” and we both know what the other means
I got married to an FA- leans more dismissive/avoidant. Even that was a struggle and he always had space between us sexually and emotionally. I never felt I could reach him. It was painful to a certain extent. We are now divorced
Could you reach him as you say, before marriage? Interested Q. If so, what went wrong? If not, why did you marry him? Hope that marriage may change the circumstances maybe? 🤔 Interested Q from a 61 year old in relationship with a fearful avoidant lady of 2 decades younger.
Very helpful, thanks. I noticed a lot of nuances in DAs approach to me, his language, intense and prolonged eye contact, when he was allowing any good feeling. Then it would change next day like I was a stranger. His actual body language on seeing me, was like a dog with 2 tails both wagging and he'd smile so much, eyebrows up and facial delight , almost incandescent. People noticed he was very protective of me. But he had himself on a tight emotional leash and eventually he did that horrible cruel cold exile. What he said didn't make sense, no actual basis for this and I got a rehearsed speech which itemised my flaws. Said that he had to protect himself (from me). I didn't know anything about the attachment styles and behaviours and I did know that we shared physical childhood sexual abuse experiences. After a week of shock and trying to figure out what TF had just happened, I stumbled across the different attachment styles and behaviours and found he's a DA. Went to see him 3 weeks in before I knew that and about the NC rule. Was trying to get clarity. What I got was a dissociated child ( he's over 50 and having therapy) who couldn't deal with anything except surviving. But his body language was delighted to see me, voiced fear that I would leave and then tried so hard to stay present for me. I couldn't go to any depth in this situation and sadly left him alone. Back to NC, which is the best thing for me. I got a huge gift from this experience tho. I've found out a lot about myself and how to heal after a dismissal dump. And I understand him so much better and feel great compassion for him, he's got the biggest kindest heart and is a beautiful person. His inner child aged about 6 or 7 showed himself to me and asked me to love him. And I said that I would, and I do. Myself as an adult and my hurt survivor inner child too. I know how much effort it takes to survive and try to live a normal life.
I've seen that there really is no love in life. My parents proved that, every boyfriend that my sisters had proved this. I only hope that my two sisters' newest boyfriends keep treating them right since they are too used to being mistreated and even abused by their exes. Fortunately, I have hope and belief in their new boyfriends being good men and proving my concept of love being wrong. The world can only hope, as I have. Anyway, enough about my personal life and over-sharing. -Zach
To be more specific, their new boyfriends have never shown anger towards them or ever mistreated them. So I believe that they are good men, unlike the exes that my sisters had before. -Zach
Love does exist. (FA out of a relationship with a DA here) The problem arise when we hold on our self-limiting beliefs, and don’t realize what our experiences left us with : poor boundaries, inability to recognize / leave toxic behaviors in time, less than average self-respect, suspicion and discomfort in time of peace/towards healthy people. Fears, inability to work through conflict in constructive ways. Learned helplessness so on. I’m healing myself (it takes a lot of work but my quality of life + family & friendships live definitely improved). It’s a stark difference from where I was at 4 years ago. Emotionally safe people changed the game for me. So I will tell you to keep your hopes high and never give up (on yourself first, on others next). Love definitely exist.
Thank you for your vulnerable share Zach, I appreciate it! I'm sorry to hear about your families negative experiences and abuse. Nobody deserves that and I wish you all find happy and healthy love ❤
In current times people are so confused about avoidant attachment style and calling their exs and thier partners an avoidants but before calling someone avoidant make sure that the person is avoidant or someone who is not genuinely interested in you. because on this planet insecure attachment style is very rare. Dont fool your self if somebody is not interested in you accept it and leave them there are always good options remains.💕😊
I get your point, but you are wrong about the commonness of insecure attachment; it is MUCH more common than you think. Most people are NOT securely attached at all.
I heard a statistic on another channel that 50% of people are securely attached and of the other 50%, 2/3 are avoidant and the other 1/3 are anxious. I haven’t verified but I do think there are more avoidants out there than you think. Also, I think a lot of us are on here because we were in long term relationships with avoidants and then received the full DA treatment with deactivation and brutal discard. Obviously I can’t speak for everyone but it seems that most here were not simply dating and met someone who just wasn’t interested in us and then is calling them avoidant.
@@jennifers.8772 I was also thinking same about myself that I'm an avoidant untill I didn't fall in love with a man. I always tried to avoid men who were genuinely interested in me but because I don't have feelings for them so I always avoid them and then I fall for a man and I became totally anxious for him. It is true that avoidants exists but not every individual is avoidant and sorry but your statistics are wrong. Just think about the time you were not aware about attachment styles. Didn't you think about your partner and their behaviours logically? But now as you are aware about attachment styles so you calling your every ex as an avoidant! Because their behaviours were totally similar to avoidant people but in actual they were the one those were not interested in us and did never care about us. And sorry for any grammatical mistake as English is not my native language.
All Im hearing over and over again is that these avoidants simply cannot face emotion. Not in a healthy way. Unless they are working on themselves and trying to break out of the attachment style, avoidants should actually be avoided!
This is true, emotions do not compute, I am trying but honestly damn what do you even do with them when they are not being good emotions... no need to answer 😂😂
Mouth wide open!!! This place is FABULOUS!!! It’s like I can feel the sun and smell those nice scents they have in all the lobby’s at the resort. What an awesome gift for your mom!! Your video is great! I have the DJI Stabilizer too 😊 your room is extremely nice. We did a time share tour and the units were so tastefully decorated, but of course you would have to purchase a timeshare to get one. Very nice video!! Thanks for sharing ❤
I only hear him say "I miss you" , "we have some kind of chemistry" and "why are we having such great time together when we see each other?" On text. When I asked him personally how he felt that we saw each other he said good, but he thought we should try to see each other more often. He didn't follow through on the more often part. After the break up he came back with text four months after and apologised for bad behaviour. And I said okay but you didn't want anything serious, just "casual and uncomplicated = fwb ". He wrote no, stop it. But then he asked why do we have such good time together then? And I wrote because I fell in love with you. He ghosted me.
@@Littleowl85352 we didn't only had sex, I slept over and chilled at his house, playing video games, drinking, even saw each other in pubs. He offer me rides to my job the mornings I slept over. I have known him on and off for ten years.
@@Littleowl85352No, we didn't only had sex. We chill out at his house and we cooked food, was having a drink, watching sports, even went to a bar occasionally. He drove me to work every time after I had slept over the night before and even picked me up after work as he works close by. I have known him on and off for ten years almost. He is definitely an avoidant. Even admitting that he crawls back to his shell when he gets scared /goes to fast.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchoolthank you. And I always said to him honestly is the only way. I even knew that he would stonewall me after saying that. What do you think about his behaviour? Big fan of all of your videos.
@@UnicornsAreReal1 You're not wrong - but some people think they so one thing and they are so much the very opposite that it's nuts - and that's the DA - you can lack some self-awareness but still be in the ball park of your actions matching your words. It is comically pitiful that the DA can think they're all these things when they completely are not
@@UnicornsAreReal1I think the main difference is that DAs don't tend to be willing to change, while others put in work to be different and not repeat the pattern.
@@oOOoOphidian I agree to an extent but I've dated plenty of APs and even secure people who had flaws and were unwilling to break their patterns. Surprisingly, it's been the FAs in my life who have made the most change. Just my experience though
@@oOOoOphidian I don't share this experience. Maybe because the DA's I dated I knew my whole life so I've got to watch them grow and progress throughout the years. Most people are just in relationships with them so they don't see this growth. DA's change at their own pace and it's MUCH slower. There was a DA I met in high school and we kept crossing paths in life and I never wanted to date him because I knew we wouldn't match emotionally. After his mom passed some year later, he softened and within a few years we started dating. Full disclosure, it wasn't enough for me to get my needs met because I am at a different stage in my growth and healing, however, it has still been a beautiful site watching his change. I do see some AP's and FA's grow as well. Their transformation, including mine (FA) is beautiful too. It's honestly a person to person thing, not a attachment style issue. It's the human that behind the attachment.
What if your with someone who keeps hurting you over and over and it makes you feel like your getting gut punches or in a ring, so its hard to get words out cause of all the pain from all the constant rejection. I dont think thats an avoidant but something entirely different, a lack of feeling safe, and a lot of pain blocking the good feelings
And what if you're married for 23 years, with problems for nearly 7 of them, and you realize your husband is avoidant and doesn't want to communicate when there are problems? What should one do?
I appreciate your vulnerable share and am sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult situation. I did a previous video that may help guide you on some steps to help. I'm also offering a 14 free trial right now and have many courses within PDS which can provide you with more in depth tools❤ Here is the link for the video, th-cam.com/video/zVEDEDH0MW4/w-d-xo.html
@@helgacristinafonseca you don’t need a 7 day course, which she will potentially charge you for. You need a 7 minute answer. Which I’ll give you freely. In any relationship in life, albeit lovers or friends or familial, constant communication, input & effort is required. It’s called commitment. If this has been withdrawn, or was not present at initiation, you must leave. Biblically & im a Bible scholar of 28 years, God recognises this as emotional distress & abuse & is not to be tolerated. In ancient Jewish times, the families knew well the families of prospective marriage partners, prior to the relationship beginning. In fact, espousals were arranged prior to, but included the highly important element of mutual agreement. The newly weds were allocated rooming adjacent to the groom’s home, privacy was respected but this nearness provided emotional & financial support, stability & encouragement. Also, in Hebrew ideology which initiated with Almighty God, commitment was highly regarded. As were the responsibilities of the man in loving caring & respecting his potential wife, & again all relationships with ladies. Becoming engaged in Hebrew society, betrothed, was recognised as a commitment as deep as marriage, before any wedding had yet taken place. Which is exactly how a man-woman relationship should be conducted. In the West today, this commitment has been eroded, with the highly destructive result that commitment is not recognised, & people enter into foolish relationships which will damage them, as is clearly seen in decadent Western society.
What when needs greater clarification. Your DA needs to recognise, in order to maintain your relationship & indeed any relationship be it friends or deeper, constant effort & input is required. If this is not being done, or offered, it’s a No Win outcome.
Tbh ... Mine used to claim that same sentence over and over again after he knew how much he had messed up (ghosting, silent treatment for months, even blocked me out of nowhere). Did that make him stop his hurtful behaviours ? Absolutely not and he was already in therapy. I tried to communicate my needs, setting a boundary towards ghosting, even tried compromises. He never ever kept his words. So I chose me, and his answer to the break up was to block me. Says enough imo. Heal yourself and move on. They're not worth the mental and emotional bs they put you through, especially if they don't want to change and take real actions towards it.
When I fell in love I expressed it cautiously because would it make sense to go from 0-100 all at once? Hardly. I don't think it would have made any difference if I'd been very extreme in my expression because I fell in love with a mentally unwell person in any case.
Iv found in life experience, I’m now age 61, that you can stop yourself ‘falling’ for another person. You have to consider the pros & cons of taking a relationship further upon meeting someone. If the consequences outweigh the pros, which is often the case, you immediately halt the proceedings. And create healthy boundaries which may indeed mean no further interaction. May sound stoical, but is highly necessary for self preservation. Only mature people in life can 1) discern this & 2) apply it.
My DA doesnt say these things 😢 But he does say "even if i love someone it doesnt mean ill be in a relationship " Or "i care about you but" Or "i want the same things eventually as you to an extent" Or "i know i really like you" Or "i am definitely committed" And in the context of our bdsm relationship . He would love me to get a tattoo of his name and he says "you will always be mine" Is that falling in love!?@? Lol
DA's focus inward, unhealed and/or unaware AP's do the opposite. They don't know how to or that they're allowed to. It's just different coping mechanisms. But like APs can't fix their partner if the will isn't there, same can be said for AP's.
Psychotherapist who taking clients every day on the other hand so Severe case of FA , 7 years of Marriage emotional abuse physical abuse fighting calling cops on me trying to to take me son away from me , still Psychotherapist didn’t not realize she have deep childhood trauma. Still have to deal with her , I don’t want to communicate , she is being pushing away and then constantly texting me about how is a son doing today, how to get away from Crazy Lady. I’m thinking to place order of protection but then She is a mother of my Son, how to not communicate with her, at this Point I’m really carrying individual, not I Don’t give a flying monkey about all others
Soooo, if they don't express how they might be feeling to me, they're not in love with me?? If I tell him that I love him, he tells me he loves me too but, nothing on his own 🫤
Have you experienced any of these six things from a dismissive avoidant while falling in love? Let me know what your experience was like! ❤
Yes, but there was something different from what you discribe, he showered me with love, attention and dedication, lots of Love messages in the early stages of dating, and when I was secure in the relationship months later, he almost stopped sending messages, especially in the morning, when we were both on our way to work.
I asked him why and the answer was that we spent the evening before having a coffee, a dinner, whatever it was and he was tired in the morning. I found the answer strange at the time, but now I feel i was lovebombed. Avoidants lovebomb too, or is it just a narcissistic trait?
I dated a DA for six months without having a clue about relationship types, that he was a DA and I have a secure attachment style. I found out your channel while watching random TH-cam videos about breakups and trying to give meaning to his actions and contradicting words. Thanks for all the clarifications Thais, you did me a great help in finding closure 💕And you are almost always describing my ex bf which is kinda funny as well😂 It seems he was developing strong feelings for me and said all these things in different formats except the sixth one. He was surprisingly open to healthy communication, would listen, sleep on it and then randomly open the discussion again. He would also try to meet some of my needs and wants but at turtle pace! For the more “demanding” ones like going on vacations, he just said he could not yet. It’s a pity it ended… I was wondering if you could also make some videos about “breaking up with a DA”. I understand it is generally the DAs ending the relationship but some people including myself also break up with them. Anyhow, thanks for the information you are providing. It really helped me post-breakup!
The most heartbreaking thing is when both FAs and DAs assume the relationship is not fixable. Yet it is. It’s just a matter of being vulnerable and working thru that trauma and meeting each others needs 💔
To be honest maybe one has better or more satisfactory things to do than attempt to perform cpr on a relationship... it seems a very draining, overly complicated and tumultuous operation with little point to it. One is much more inclined to grab at peace and quiet which is sooooo much more healing. Imagine you made a lasagna, you put too much crazy spices in it, would you spend hours picking out each individual spice so you could eat that specific lasagna or would you throw the lasagna out and then concentrate on learning how to be a better cook and then make another lasagna when you're ready?
Yes and no. Just because there is a way to fix it in theory, doesn't mean it's possible to do so at any stage of someone's healing or awareness. It's easy to say that all it takes is vulnerability and meeting each other's needs, but majority of avoidant deal with all kinds of childhood trauma and they have to face it in their own time, not when a relationship needs fixing. The relationship is not the point of healing for the majority of avoidants. It can trigger the motivation to heal, but that's because we want to overcome our struggles and be better people, not to save a relationship that is already falling apart.
Very well said! Thank you for sharing ❤
Beautyfull message. I've never had a real relationship. Before I was selfaware I only fell for people that were the furthest of compatable as if it was some sort if challange. So basically the selfsabotage started already with just the attraction. If it went a bit further I always felt like an anxious fixer. Than realised how toxic it was, how I was the only one trying and giving but also expecting to much from the wrong people.. Anyways. Those connections weren't worth saving. They actually traumatised me even more. But it also made me research en discover the attachementstyles. The thing is.. Nobody sees you are fearfull avoidant. Friends just wonder why I am always single. But nobody grasps the amount or trauma that's in me. Especially as I am outwardly so focused on connection, positivity and growth. Long story short nobody understands and shows compassion of how tough life has been for me, nobody shows some flexibility when I am showing up vulnerable got dismissed and respond in an automatic push behaviour. Suddenly I am at the same place as always, anticipating and empathising with others but making one mistake and inmediatly got left. I never had people around me that had patience with me. And therefor I just tried to be perfect. How could I communicate that I could make mistakes (activation) when it was always punished? This weekend I did the same thing after working on my FA now for a few years.. I got in a situation that me and my best friend kissed. I asked what he was thinking as it confused me. But he started talking about what we talked about before that. I felt inmediatly ignored and rejected and unimportant. I didn't think I just graped his coat and said it's time you go home. For the first time ever I realised.. I am doing it right now. I saw his shock on his face. And I said, sorry I don't know what came over me. Why don't you sit down? Can we talk about it? He said he was shocked about me rushing him away and I admitted that I think I pushed him away because I felt ignored.. And he said.. I get that.. I was just so surprised I couldn't really process what just happend hance I talked about what happend before it. I think you went on automatic pilot aswell? It's good we can talk now. And I never ever been forgiven like that... I am 32 and have never been forgiven of being inperfect for having activation or deactivation tactics because of all my trauma. I have never had conversations about why sudden subjects are triggering for me and how vulnerability can make me feel very unstable and insecure. I didn't think I could come along someone who would show softness to my defence meganisms as it has always been punished. Even tho I know there are many like me who wants to understand and have empathy for people's trauma background and copings.. I always thought they wouldn't find me as I am the one that was there for others. People who want to see and undertand you past your copingmeganismes that sometimes slip in are the ones healing the world. Learning it is safe to be vulnerable even if your defense meganism shows up. Not saying it's a good behaviour but it's understandable as long as we take accountability and work on it.
I agree with you. The choice to run rather then even try leaves the dumpee deflated and makes them feel like the relationship initself was a fruitless endeavor. Running away out of self preservation instead of trying is sad. 10 years of knowing someone gone over a weekend.
I'll tell you what they do... once they start to fall in love their fears get triggered and they quickly start falling out of love they flaw find, deactivate, and surpress their feelings and bc they're not self aware, they will just assume you must be the wrong person for them and they'll end the relationship.
Thanks for sharing your experience! This can happen if someone isn't aware of their attachment style or doing the work to heal. Just don't forget that anyone with an insecure attachment style can do the work the heal and become securely attached! ❤🩹
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool yep. The most heart breaking and gut wrenching experience of my life. DAs run so hot and cold and love sending mixed signals. One minute I'm getting a text that says "wish you were here" and less than 2 weeks later she tells me she's past the point of no return 🤷♂️
I have to push back on this. The DA's I've been acquainted with don't fall out of love easily once they're in it. I have a very DA friend who has been in love with the same woman for over 10 years past their break up. I think she is a DA too. She's now married with kids and he still finds reasons to bring her up. Also, my ex DA is still in love with me regardless of how many times I've walked away. I'd say maybe if they have love FOR you but not be IN love with you that might be true. I'm not saying they won't walk away if they're in love. I'm saying if they're really in love, they don't easily fall out of it.
Again, that's just my experience.
@@LeeChrissyyou are very much correct. People fall for us and we don't want to hurt their feelings, we will try and play along when we are younger but it's hard for us to really fall. When we do it's deep but we won't put up with nonsense just to maintain a relationship.
@@tumbleweedconnection7906 This just happened to me. I'm SA but AP-Leaning (former full Anxious-Preoccupied) and she went from "I miss you" "I wish you were here with me" "I love __ about you etc." to "something's missing" to ending it completely without verbally voicing her needs, being open to reframing how she views emotions and vulnerability in general, and actually letting me in so I can help her. It happened so fast because we were doing great for 2 months, I push back one time to try and develop more emotional closeness and then she leaves me a few days later. I'm now stuck here in awe and confusion about how someone can throw away such a promising dynamic if they were just willing to trust a tiny bit and take the risk knowing they had someone to help guide them. It really sucks.
As a senior citizen who has experienced many episodes of "love" throughout my life, I've noticed similar parallels & challenges in the love language of dogs I've adopted over the years; abuse & neglect does some serious damage to the brain. I've consciously decided to remove myself from the human pool of "love " to further focus on more rewarding endeavors. WOOF !
Absolutely! I appreciate your share 🤗
Great & insightful observation 😃
My Scooby has been far more of a faithful friend in the last 27 years than any person.
He’s also my Emotional Support Partner.
I had to tell my semi-daughter you said this bc a couple months we "diagnosed" the cat with bpd/cptsd with disorganized attachment bc the behaviors are so consistent. if she was still a kitty, it'd be reactive attachment disorder hahaha
but it's so true!
I wanna shout out to Thais Gibson and her team at PDS.
I’ve literally just left a therapy session after a break from one year and I can GLADLY say I am far more secure. I used to be DA but after a lot of journaling, reflection, somatic processing, therapy, and most importantly using the PDS program I feel soooooo much better.
For the first time I actually want companionship and want to give to other people. You feel it in your soul when you’re becoming more secure.
Much love everybody.
“You feel it in your soul” wow 💓
Just reminded ofmy DA ex saying ‘I’m so happy when I see you ‘ and ‘ I want to spend more time with you’. Still his fears won even though I could feel he was in love with me 🤷♀️
She said to me once: You are the best of all what has happened to me. Only on some of my birthdays she flooded me with loving and kind messages with huge amount of emojis. Once she brought a birthday cake in the middle of the day w/o any prior calling. I stepped out of the door and there she was - a cake and a few burning candles in front of me. I was really positively shocked. Because on normal days her affection felt like rationing (food stamps or the like)…
I’m an FA and I’ve been involved with a DA for quite some time. Your videos have helped me put a lot in perspective. In some type of funny way, it feels like we are each other’s kryptonite. As in there are times where we don’t know how to handle each other because it feels like we’re dealing with a version of ourselves in a certain way. Throughout my experience, it’s made me realize how I’ve treated others in my past when my avoidant side surfaced. Now I’m more mindful of this and making the necessary changes. Some people may think I’m naive for sticking around as long as I have with her. I’ve noticed some of the signs you’ve mentioned and I’m willing to be patient and work with her when she’s ready. It may hurt me in the end and we may not end up together. From the person I’ve gotten to know, I love and care about her enough to take that chance even if it seems ever so slight. Appreciate you Thais🙌🏽
resonates with me
the way they said to me _"so i love you. i would be crushed to lose you. probably my biggest fear."_ in motherhumping 1993 and have kept me on a barbed wire leash ever since
my god i am so done being a neglected service animal
I asked mine today how he feels when I tell him I love him and miss him (2 years) and he said awkward.
I love your videos because you offer resolutions instead of saying things like "the other person is awful!"
So true.
"i don't want anything bad to happen, so i will protect myself & my comfort zone so ruthlessly that i will _make_ something bad happen" -typical DA logic
also "i want successful relationships, so i must defend my autonomy" is gold
these ppl are walking logic traps
It’s not a trap. Replace the word “but” with “only if”. Avoidants are driven by fear. I’m FA with a DA and it’s ok. People have to be super honest. And most people have that problem with honesty more than anything else. And if your words are not always reliable, then all the fears an avoidant has will come true.
@cecilang9721 as a recovered disorganized binch, nuh-uh. you can't allow your fear to weaponize itself against your relationships with ppl & other parts of life. it's like any other part of you that you must take responsibility for, like trauma & triggers & quirks or whatever-we cannot go around doing what protects our unchallenged perception of safety & comfort, then, when confronted with the way our actions impact others, assert that we are also victims instead of holding ourselves accountable, bc fear. your fear is not a hall pass. everyone is scared, life is terrifying. bravery isn't a feeling, it is a choice that you can make into a habit. treat ppl right anyway or maybe you're not a good person. conversely, if you want to feel like a good person, stop protecting yourself from acting right when you feel scared
@@mn0g0nm👏💯
@@cecilang9721 ALSO? I just think it's interesting to note that "i'm allowed to be aggressively defensive and cause harm bc I have a history of intense trauma" is the justification an entire country is trying to use rn, and it's really not okay on any scale
don't coddle this anxiety or it will expand the borders of its hardline intolerance for discomfort
@@mn0g0nm👏🏾👏🏾
This is so funny bc my partner & I are BOTH D-A’s we speak each others language… lok😅 We will say “I have a very deep appreciation for you.” “I feel deep feelings” and we both know what the other means
I'm FA leaning DA, with a DA partner, and I know exactly what you mean.
I'm glad you are both on the same page and know what the other means 😅❤
Mine says “I’m so in like with you.” Haha
I got married to an FA- leans more dismissive/avoidant. Even that was a struggle and he always had space between us sexually and emotionally. I never felt I could reach him. It was painful to a certain extent. We are now divorced
Could you reach him as you say, before marriage?
Interested Q.
If so, what went wrong?
If not, why did you marry him?
Hope that marriage may change the circumstances maybe? 🤔
Interested Q from a 61 year old in relationship with a fearful avoidant lady of 2 decades younger.
Very helpful, thanks. I noticed a lot of nuances in DAs approach to me, his language, intense and prolonged eye contact, when he was allowing any good feeling. Then it would change next day like I was a stranger. His actual body language on seeing me, was like a dog with 2 tails both wagging and he'd smile so much, eyebrows up and facial delight , almost incandescent. People noticed he was very protective of me. But he had himself on a tight emotional leash and eventually he did that horrible cruel cold exile. What he said didn't make sense, no actual basis for this and I got a rehearsed speech which itemised my flaws. Said that he had to protect himself (from me). I didn't know anything about the attachment styles and behaviours and I did know that we shared physical childhood sexual abuse experiences. After a week of shock and trying to figure out what TF had just happened, I stumbled across the different attachment styles and behaviours and found he's a DA. Went to see him 3 weeks in before I knew that and about the NC rule. Was trying to get clarity. What I got was a dissociated child ( he's over 50 and having therapy) who couldn't deal with anything except surviving. But his body language was delighted to see me, voiced fear that I would leave and then tried so hard to stay present for me. I couldn't go to any depth in this situation and sadly left him alone. Back to NC, which is the best thing for me. I got a huge gift from this experience tho. I've found out a lot about myself and how to heal after a dismissal dump. And I understand him so much better and feel great compassion for him, he's got the biggest kindest heart and is a beautiful person. His inner child aged about 6 or 7 showed himself to me and asked me to love him. And I said that I would, and I do. Myself as an adult and my hurt survivor inner child too. I know how much effort it takes to survive and try to live a normal life.
I've seen that there really is no love in life. My parents proved that, every boyfriend that my sisters had proved this. I only hope that my two sisters' newest boyfriends keep treating them right since they are too used to being mistreated and even abused by their exes. Fortunately, I have hope and belief in their new boyfriends being good men and proving my concept of love being wrong. The world can only hope, as I have. Anyway, enough about my personal life and over-sharing. -Zach
To be more specific, their new boyfriends have never shown anger towards them or ever mistreated them. So I believe that they are good men, unlike the exes that my sisters had before. -Zach
Love does exist. (FA out of a relationship with a DA here) The problem arise when we hold on our self-limiting beliefs, and don’t realize what our experiences left us with : poor boundaries, inability to recognize / leave toxic behaviors in time, less than average self-respect, suspicion and discomfort in time of peace/towards healthy people. Fears, inability to work through conflict in constructive ways. Learned helplessness so on.
I’m healing myself (it takes a lot of work but my quality of life + family & friendships live definitely improved). It’s a stark difference from where I was at 4 years ago. Emotionally safe people changed the game for me.
So I will tell you to keep your hopes high and never give up (on yourself first, on others next). Love definitely exist.
Thank you for your vulnerable share Zach, I appreciate it! I'm sorry to hear about your families negative experiences and abuse. Nobody deserves that and I wish you all find happy and healthy love ❤
I know love exists because I have it. The real challenge is finding two people who can love each other in mutually fulfilling ways.
This is interesting. It's like learning how to speak someone's unique language like I learned in business marketing.
Its exhausting
Thank you. Now I understand her.
In current times people are so confused about avoidant attachment style and calling their exs and thier partners an avoidants but before calling someone avoidant make sure that the person is avoidant or someone who is not genuinely interested in you. because on this planet insecure attachment style is very rare. Dont fool your self if somebody is not interested in you accept it and leave them there are always good options remains.💕😊
I get your point, but you are wrong about the commonness of insecure attachment; it is MUCH more common than you think.
Most people are NOT securely attached at all.
I heard a statistic on another channel that 50% of people are securely attached and of the other 50%, 2/3 are avoidant and the other 1/3 are anxious. I haven’t verified but I do think there are more avoidants out there than you think. Also, I think a lot of us are on here because we were in long term relationships with avoidants and then received the full DA treatment with deactivation and brutal discard. Obviously I can’t speak for everyone but it seems that most here were not simply dating and met someone who just wasn’t interested in us and then is calling them avoidant.
It's common. 😊
@@jennifers.8772 I was also thinking same about myself that I'm an avoidant untill I didn't fall in love with a man. I always tried to avoid men who were genuinely interested in me but because I don't have feelings for them so I always avoid them and then I fall for a man and I became totally anxious for him. It is true that avoidants exists but not every individual is avoidant and sorry but your statistics are wrong. Just think about the time you were not aware about attachment styles. Didn't you think about your partner and their behaviours logically? But now as you are aware about attachment styles so you calling your every ex as an avoidant! Because their behaviours were totally similar to avoidant people but in actual they were the one those were not interested in us and did never care about us.
And sorry for any grammatical mistake as English is not my native language.
All Im hearing over and over again is that these avoidants simply cannot face emotion. Not in a healthy way. Unless they are working on themselves and trying to break out of the attachment style, avoidants should actually be avoided!
This is true, emotions do not compute, I am trying but honestly damn what do you even do with them when they are not being good emotions... no need to answer 😂😂
@@Littleowl85352 fix yourself before causing chaos?
@@Crypto-Live sir I have been single seven years entirely by choice and why do you think I am here learning?
@@Crypto-Live maybe don't date avoidants.
@@Littleowl85352 not meaning to be rude to you - sorry
Mouth wide open!!! This place is FABULOUS!!! It’s like I can feel the sun and smell those nice scents they have in all the lobby’s at the resort. What an awesome gift for your mom!! Your video is great! I have the DJI Stabilizer too 😊 your room is extremely nice. We did a time share tour and the units were so tastefully decorated, but of course you would have to purchase a timeshare to get one. Very nice video!! Thanks for sharing ❤
You video production is top notch. Well done.
I only hear him say "I miss you" , "we have some kind of chemistry" and "why are we having such great time together when we see each other?" On text. When I asked him personally how he felt that we saw each other he said good, but he thought we should try to see each other more often. He didn't follow through on the more often part. After the break up he came back with text four months after and apologised for bad behaviour. And I said okay but you didn't want anything serious, just "casual and uncomplicated = fwb ". He wrote no, stop it. But then he asked why do we have such good time together then? And I wrote because I fell in love with you. He ghosted me.
Women fall in love when they have sex, men don't. That's the issue there, it's got nothing to do with being avoidant, he's just immature.
@@Littleowl85352 we didn't only had sex, I slept over and chilled at his house, playing video games, drinking, even saw each other in pubs. He offer me rides to my job the mornings I slept over. I have known him on and off for ten years.
I appreciate your vulnerable share and am sorry to hear things didn't work out ❤🩹
@@Littleowl85352No, we didn't only had sex. We chill out at his house and we cooked food, was having a drink, watching sports, even went to a bar occasionally. He drove me to work every time after I had slept over the night before and even picked me up after work as he works close by. I have known him on and off for ten years almost. He is definitely an avoidant. Even admitting that he crawls back to his shell when he gets scared /goes to fast.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchoolthank you. And I always said to him honestly is the only way. I even knew that he would stonewall me after saying that. What do you think about his behaviour? Big fan of all of your videos.
the lack of self-awareness of a DA is breathtaking - no thanks
I'd say the same with a lot of people, not just DA's.
@@UnicornsAreReal1 You're not wrong - but some people think they so one thing and they are so much the very opposite that it's nuts - and that's the DA - you can lack some self-awareness but still be in the ball park of your actions matching your words. It is comically pitiful that the DA can think they're all these things when they completely are not
@@UnicornsAreReal1I think the main difference is that DAs don't tend to be willing to change, while others put in work to be different and not repeat the pattern.
@@oOOoOphidian I agree to an extent but I've dated plenty of APs and even secure people who had flaws and were unwilling to break their patterns. Surprisingly, it's been the FAs in my life who have made the most change. Just my experience though
@@oOOoOphidian I don't share this experience. Maybe because the DA's I dated I knew my whole life so I've got to watch them grow and progress throughout the years. Most people are just in relationships with them so they don't see this growth. DA's change at their own pace and it's MUCH slower. There was a DA I met in high school and we kept crossing paths in life and I never wanted to date him because I knew we wouldn't match emotionally. After his mom passed some year later, he softened and within a few years we started dating. Full disclosure, it wasn't enough for me to get my needs met because I am at a different stage in my growth and healing, however, it has still been a beautiful site watching his change. I do see some AP's and FA's grow as well. Their transformation, including mine (FA) is beautiful too. It's honestly a person to person thing, not a attachment style issue. It's the human that behind the attachment.
Me: I missed you.
Her: Sorry..
What if your with someone who keeps hurting you over and over and it makes you feel like your getting gut punches or in a ring, so its hard to get words out cause of all the pain from all the constant rejection. I dont think thats an avoidant but something entirely different, a lack of feeling safe, and a lot of pain blocking the good feelings
And what if you're married for 23 years, with problems for nearly 7 of them, and you realize your husband is avoidant and doesn't want to communicate when there are problems? What should one do?
I appreciate your vulnerable share and am sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult situation. I did a previous video that may help guide you on some steps to help. I'm also offering a 14 free trial right now and have many courses within PDS which can provide you with more in depth tools❤
Here is the link for the video, th-cam.com/video/zVEDEDH0MW4/w-d-xo.html
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I only find a 7 day trial. Am I checking the right course?
@@helgacristinafonseca you don’t need a 7 day course, which she will potentially charge you for. You need a 7 minute answer.
Which I’ll give you freely.
In any relationship in life, albeit lovers or friends or familial, constant communication, input & effort is required. It’s called commitment.
If this has been withdrawn, or was not present at initiation, you must leave.
Biblically & im a Bible scholar of 28 years, God recognises this as emotional distress & abuse & is not to be tolerated.
In ancient Jewish times, the families knew well the families of prospective marriage partners, prior to the relationship beginning. In fact, espousals were arranged prior to, but included the highly important element of mutual agreement. The newly weds were allocated rooming adjacent to the groom’s home, privacy was respected but this nearness provided emotional & financial support, stability & encouragement.
Also, in Hebrew ideology which initiated with Almighty God, commitment was highly regarded. As were the responsibilities of the man in loving caring & respecting his potential wife, & again all relationships with ladies. Becoming engaged in Hebrew society, betrothed, was recognised as a commitment as deep as marriage, before any wedding had yet taken place.
Which is exactly how a man-woman relationship should be conducted.
In the West today, this commitment has been eroded, with the highly destructive result that commitment is not recognised, & people enter into foolish relationships which will damage them, as is clearly seen in decadent Western society.
What when my DA says “I don’t wanna lose you?”
What when needs greater clarification. Your DA needs to recognise, in order to maintain your relationship & indeed any relationship be it friends or deeper, constant effort & input is required.
If this is not being done, or offered, it’s a No Win outcome.
Tbh ... Mine used to claim that same sentence over and over again after he knew how much he had messed up (ghosting, silent treatment for months, even blocked me out of nowhere). Did that make him stop his hurtful behaviours ? Absolutely not and he was already in therapy. I tried to communicate my needs, setting a boundary towards ghosting, even tried compromises. He never ever kept his words. So I chose me, and his answer to the break up was to block me. Says enough imo. Heal yourself and move on. They're not worth the mental and emotional bs they put you through, especially if they don't want to change and take real actions towards it.
Same if they’re FA/DA? Or are FA more loving?
When I fell in love I expressed it cautiously because would it make sense to go from 0-100 all at once? Hardly. I don't think it would have made any difference if I'd been very extreme in my expression because I fell in love with a mentally unwell person in any case.
I'm sorry to hear that and appreciate your share. Stay strong and the right person will come at the right time ❤
Iv found in life experience, I’m now age 61, that you can stop yourself ‘falling’ for another person.
You have to consider the pros & cons of taking a relationship further upon meeting someone. If the consequences outweigh the pros, which is often the case, you immediately halt the proceedings. And create healthy boundaries which may indeed mean no further interaction.
May sound stoical, but is highly necessary for self preservation.
Only mature people in life can 1) discern this & 2) apply it.
@@paulfitzpatrick6566 this is exactly what I've done 💯
My DA doesnt say these things 😢
But he does say "even if i love someone it doesnt mean ill be in a relationship "
Or "i care about you but"
Or "i want the same things eventually as you to an extent"
Or "i know i really like you"
Or "i am definitely committed"
And in the context of our bdsm relationship
. He would love me to get a tattoo of his name and he says "you will always be mine"
Is that falling in love!?@? Lol
Wow it seems everybody’s back? That anxiously attached video comment section is a ghost town. Yes, I’m choosing violence 😂
LOL Right?! I have said this before. The ones that expect the avoidants to heal will not heal themselves.
DA's focus inward, unhealed and/or unaware AP's do the opposite. They don't know how to or that they're allowed to. It's just different coping mechanisms. But like APs can't fix their partner if the will isn't there, same can be said for AP's.
Isn’t this just a reupload of an old video?
Psychotherapist who taking clients every day on the other hand so Severe case of FA , 7 years of Marriage emotional abuse physical abuse fighting calling cops on me trying to to take me son away from me , still Psychotherapist didn’t not realize she have deep childhood trauma. Still have to deal with her , I don’t want to communicate , she is being pushing away and then constantly texting me about how is a son doing today, how to get away from Crazy Lady. I’m thinking to place order of protection but then She is a mother of my Son, how to not communicate with her, at this Point I’m really carrying individual, not I Don’t give a flying monkey about all others
😑
Soooo, if they don't express how they might be feeling to me, they're not in love with me?? If I tell him that I love him, he tells me he loves me too but, nothing on his own 🫤