My boyfriend is in the process of getting a formal diagnosis for what I believe is autism. Our primary issue has always been empathy and a general coolness I feel from him. He can speak at lengths about his fixations (gardening is an example), but has no sense of awareness when he’s lost his audience or shows little to no interest in passions of my own. These are things we’ve been navigating for years, unfortunately. But, I have often wondered if he was a narcissist because there is always a sense that when I communicate that he’s hurt me, ignored me, etc., that he has to “get even.” He will often do this by looking for what I call a “gotcha moment” where he picks a snippet of a sentence I haven’t fully finished or anticipates what he thinks I mean or will say and then uses that to invalidate my whole argument/point. He will also lie. He does this by saying a broad sweeping statement that is *partially* true, but isn’t fully true. For example, I told him recently that I’ve been really missing going to a place that he and I go to nearly every year. It’s a little over an hour away, but it’s a lovely trail that leads to the beach and, aside from gas, is free. We discovered the spot together and have shared a handful of trips there that were lovely. This year has been financially difficult and I confided in him that I felt like life was passing me by and that I would love to prioritize going to this place with him more and that it would bring me great joy without causing a financial burden. I know he enjoys it there, too. Well, less than a week later, at my encouragement to connect with a friend, his friend suggested going to none other than that place. A half a day trip and my partner was all in. He didn’t mention to me anything about what I had discussed with him and even came back from the trip saying they were going to make it a “monthly thing.” This hurt my feelings because I had just told him how I wanted to go there with him and how important it was to me. It has always felt like “our place.” Of course, he could not understand why I was upset that he wasn’t considerate and it left me wondering about how specific I need to be in the future with him. It seems saying that I feel/miss/need something isn’t enough unless I’m telling him I need it right this absolute second. In his mind, if I really feel/need/want something then I need to make it happen myself and if I don’t want him to be inconsiderate, then I need to tell him ahead of time to consider me. Exhausting. Anyhow, in the midst of this days long conversation, he went to check the front door (I don’t know why). He came stomping around the corner demanding to know why the front door was “unlocked,” which it wasn’t. The door was locked, but the deadbolt wasn’t. I had to remind him that what he said was an untruth and these are the kinds of things he seems to do when he’s overwhelmed. He will say, “You saw me do such and such!!” because I was in the same room/area but I didn’t actually see him. Little lies and assumptions like these. Is this normal for autism?! I’m sorry for blathering on but I truly feel like I’m going insane.
Adding to this because I think it’s important. So, when my boyfriend asked why I left the door “unlocked,” not only was it not really true, it was a problem because he will remember not was actually happened, but what he *said*. It’s the strangest thing really. He seems to store memories based on how he feels or thinks about things, rather than based on the tangible evidence or by actually listening to me when I tell him what I really meant, said, or did. So, when he recalls this incident, if I didn’t make it an absolute point to call out that the door was, in fact, locked and make sure he could *say* that he also knows that it was locked, he would recall that it wasn’t because that is what he said and felt in the moment. Is that common, as well?
My autistic ex told me she has a problem with lying. She said she started doing it when she was a little kid. She said she never understood why she’s like that bc her parents never lied, they always emphasized honesty & telling the truth even if it hurts. Then again, she is also a closeted gay woman who was trying to balance me & her boyfriend. She’d lie to me that he wasn’t at a family function but the truth is that he was there. Or she’d make an excuse about why she can’t get together with me “Oh I feel so tired, I had such a long day” but the reality is that she was being distant on purpose bc she’s feeling guilty and ashamed about who she is. Her family is very religious & isn’t a fan of the lgbtq community. Meanwhile we’re both in our 30’s & she still cares so much about what they think. She always said her intention is to never hurt me but at this point I think it is manipulative lying.
Wow, I’m glad you made this video because lately, my boyfriend who I believe is autistic (not diagnosed) has been doing this exact same thing. We’ve been together a year and a half and we just never see eye to eye. Me, a neurotypical female, always assumed he was just being a jerk and maliciously hurting me but then I would notice that he didn’t seem malicious at all… I’ve had boyfriends who were abusive and I’ve told him about this and sometimes I see his behavior as how men used to treat me, and so he would start to angry with me because I was comparing him, not knowing most of these traits are also similar to autism. Within the year and a half, and now knowing why he is this way, he has told me “I’m not good for you, you need to leave, move out right now.” He usually says this after he does something “wrong” and I question him about it. He always thinks I “hate” him, and he always thinks I’m going to break up with him, so he will try to break up with me first. He sometimes will go by friends houses and complain about me or call his family during this rage and say I refuse to leave our home since he broke up with me, I am not contributing to the house as much as he is, or I am just using him, but then he will come home and would act like nothing happened, treating me still like his girlfriend, not trying to kick me out or anything…. His family and friends have started treating me differently and they have told me he is saying these things and now no one believes me, they think he is the victim now. He is trying to make me look bad, to change focus on the fact that he is doing all of these hurtful things to ME. We argue a lot because when I say he is lying, or I ask him why is he lying to his family and friends, he looks at me like I’m crazy and will tell me he’s not lying and that I just don’t understand or I’m not listening, OR he will say I am manipulating him. And it could be that in his mind, he’s speaking “the truth” and to me, it’s not true at all, it’s very confusing. Another thing my boyfriend does is, I’ll ask him if he is alright and he will ignore me. He never tells me how he feels, but recently his uncle passed and I have not experienced a death while dating him so I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I know he doesn’t like affection or hugs so I just told him I was sorry and he stood quiet. He continued going on about his day as usual and then he wanted to distract himself I guess by us going out that evening and we had a great night grabbing some dinner. As we got home, he kind of got into this rage and told me to go away and leave him alone. So that’s when I asked if he was alright, and he said “I already told you that I’m going thru a lot with my uncle passing”, but he didn’t. He never did tell me that. He usually does this A LOT where he acts as if he told me how he feels or acts as if he told me something, but he never did, then he will tell me “yeah well, you should’ve caught on”. Obviously I knew he was hurting and I knew he was trying to still go about his day after the news of his uncle passing but once he was driving home after our fun evening, he just became angry and I knew I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m guessing it took him the day to process it all and it just hit him and that’s why he became angry, but he usually lashes out on me whenever he has a bad day or something has happened to him. I’ve confused his behavior with bipolar disorder and I’ve called him a narcissist as well but I’m not sure anymore what is going on with him. And because I have called him these names, he tell me he hates me… We tried going to couples therapy but he kept lying to the therapist and now won’t participate. Should I not call him a liar anymore because his way of thinking is “correct”? I know I’m wrong for accusing him of other traits but with both of us unsure of his behavior or disorders, it leaves us BOTH confused. How do we handle this?
Based on what you’ve written, there are a lot of dysfunctional dynamics in your relationship that are causing you both harm. Even if you believe he is autistic, his behavior is still very harmful to you and to the relationship. Understanding the underlying cause of lying doesn’t excuse the behavior - it’s still a lie. It’s also possible to have neurodiverse (autistic) as well as toxic personality traits which are a bad combination. I recommend that you take my course with a quiz to help you get more clarity about this. It’s free right now. jodicarlton.com/autism-versus-narcissism
Lying and cheating? And refusing to admit to it when there is evidence clear as day.. avoiding answering all together when confronted so he’s not “technically” lying? Insists he loves me and wants to be with me then busted taking ex away for a weekend… make it make sense please
What makes sense is that this is not about neurodivergence/autism. This is toxic abuse and is NOT a characteristic of autism. Deception like this goes well beyond lying to avoid confrontation - this involves lying to keep you invested and "hooked." Please do not mistake this behavior as autistic - it is not. Take a close look at this behavior and believe it for what it is - his words are not to be trusted.
@@BGP_23 I thought I was answering your question - this video is about when a neurodivergent partner lies. Perhaps you can clarify your question for me?
@@JodiCarlton Ok, I think I figured out the disconnect. I had commented on two of your videos, and I got confused by the "It's really no different" comment. I was thinking that comment was related to the other video, which was how I got confused, my apologies for the confusion with that. Now that I have had a chance to go back and rewatch this particular video to reset my scope and frame, I believe my question was related to the emotional dysregulation associated with ADHD. I think that is the difference I was referencing. I wish when TH-cam showed notifications for a reply, they gave more context. Once again, my apologies for being confusing in my previous response.
My boyfriend is in the process of getting a formal diagnosis for what I believe is autism. Our primary issue has always been empathy and a general coolness I feel from him. He can speak at lengths about his fixations (gardening is an example), but has no sense of awareness when he’s lost his audience or shows little to no interest in passions of my own. These are things we’ve been navigating for years, unfortunately. But, I have often wondered if he was a narcissist because there is always a sense that when I communicate that he’s hurt me, ignored me, etc., that he has to “get even.” He will often do this by looking for what I call a “gotcha moment” where he picks a snippet of a sentence I haven’t fully finished or anticipates what he thinks I mean or will say and then uses that to invalidate my whole argument/point. He will also lie. He does this by saying a broad sweeping statement that is *partially* true, but isn’t fully true. For example, I told him recently that I’ve been really missing going to a place that he and I go to nearly every year. It’s a little over an hour away, but it’s a lovely trail that leads to the beach and, aside from gas, is free. We discovered the spot together and have shared a handful of trips there that were lovely. This year has been financially difficult and I confided in him that I felt like life was passing me by and that I would love to prioritize going to this place with him more and that it would bring me great joy without causing a financial burden. I know he enjoys it there, too. Well, less than a week later, at my encouragement to connect with a friend, his friend suggested going to none other than that place. A half a day trip and my partner was all in. He didn’t mention to me anything about what I had discussed with him and even came back from the trip saying they were going to make it a “monthly thing.” This hurt my feelings because I had just told him how I wanted to go there with him and how important it was to me. It has always felt like “our place.” Of course, he could not understand why I was upset that he wasn’t considerate and it left me wondering about how specific I need to be in the future with him. It seems saying that I feel/miss/need something isn’t enough unless I’m telling him I need it right this absolute second. In his mind, if I really feel/need/want something then I need to make it happen myself and if I don’t want him to be inconsiderate, then I need to tell him ahead of time to consider me. Exhausting. Anyhow, in the midst of this days long conversation, he went to check the front door (I don’t know why). He came stomping around the corner demanding to know why the front door was “unlocked,” which it wasn’t. The door was locked, but the deadbolt wasn’t. I had to remind him that what he said was an untruth and these are the kinds of things he seems to do when he’s overwhelmed. He will say, “You saw me do such and such!!” because I was in the same room/area but I didn’t actually see him. Little lies and assumptions like these. Is this normal for autism?! I’m sorry for blathering on but I truly feel like I’m going insane.
Adding to this because I think it’s important.
So, when my boyfriend asked why I left the door “unlocked,” not only was it not really true, it was a problem because he will remember not was actually happened, but what he *said*. It’s the strangest thing really. He seems to store memories based on how he feels or thinks about things, rather than based on the tangible evidence or by actually listening to me when I tell him what I really meant, said, or did. So, when he recalls this incident, if I didn’t make it an absolute point to call out that the door was, in fact, locked and make sure he could *say* that he also knows that it was locked, he would recall that it wasn’t because that is what he said and felt in the moment. Is that common, as well?
Run from this! It does not get better after marriage; it gets worse.
My situation too!!!!
My autistic ex told me she has a problem with lying. She said she started doing it when she was a little kid. She said she never understood why she’s like that bc her parents never lied, they always emphasized honesty & telling the truth even if it hurts. Then again, she is also a closeted gay woman who was trying to balance me & her boyfriend. She’d lie to me that he wasn’t at a family function but the truth is that he was there. Or she’d make an excuse about why she can’t get together with me “Oh I feel so tired, I had such a long day” but the reality is that she was being distant on purpose bc she’s feeling guilty and ashamed about who she is. Her family is very religious & isn’t a fan of the lgbtq community. Meanwhile we’re both in our 30’s & she still cares so much about what they think. She always said her intention is to never hurt me but at this point I think it is manipulative lying.
Wow, I’m glad you made this video because lately, my boyfriend who I believe is autistic (not diagnosed) has been doing this exact same thing. We’ve been together a year and a half and we just never see eye to eye. Me, a neurotypical female, always assumed he was just being a jerk and maliciously hurting me but then I would notice that he didn’t seem malicious at all… I’ve had boyfriends who were abusive and I’ve told him about this and sometimes I see his behavior as how men used to treat me, and so he would start to angry with me because I was comparing him, not knowing most of these traits are also similar to autism. Within the year and a half, and now knowing why he is this way, he has told me “I’m not good for you, you need to leave, move out right now.” He usually says this after he does something “wrong” and I question him about it. He always thinks I “hate” him, and he always thinks I’m going to break up with him, so he will try to break up with me first. He sometimes will go by friends houses and complain about me or call his family during this rage and say I refuse to leave our home since he broke up with me, I am not contributing to the house as much as he is, or I am just using him, but then he will come home and would act like nothing happened, treating me still like his girlfriend, not trying to kick me out or anything…. His family and friends have started treating me differently and they have told me he is saying these things and now no one believes me, they think he is the victim now. He is trying to make me look bad, to change focus on the fact that he is doing all of these hurtful things to ME. We argue a lot because when I say he is lying, or I ask him why is he lying to his family and friends, he looks at me like I’m crazy and will tell me he’s not lying and that I just don’t understand or I’m not listening, OR he will say I am manipulating him. And it could be that in his mind, he’s speaking “the truth” and to me, it’s not true at all, it’s very confusing. Another thing my boyfriend does is, I’ll ask him if he is alright and he will ignore me. He never tells me how he feels, but recently his uncle passed and I have not experienced a death while dating him so I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I know he doesn’t like affection or hugs so I just told him I was sorry and he stood quiet. He continued going on about his day as usual and then he wanted to distract himself I guess by us going out that evening and we had a great night grabbing some dinner. As we got home, he kind of got into this rage and told me to go away and leave him alone. So that’s when I asked if he was alright, and he said “I already told you that I’m going thru a lot with my uncle passing”, but he didn’t. He never did tell me that. He usually does this A LOT where he acts as if he told me how he feels or acts as if he told me something, but he never did, then he will tell me “yeah well, you should’ve caught on”. Obviously I knew he was hurting and I knew he was trying to still go about his day after the news of his uncle passing but once he was driving home after our fun evening, he just became angry and I knew I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m guessing it took him the day to process it all and it just hit him and that’s why he became angry, but he usually lashes out on me whenever he has a bad day or something has happened to him. I’ve confused his behavior with bipolar disorder and I’ve called him a narcissist as well but I’m not sure anymore what is going on with him. And because I have called him these names, he tell me he hates me… We tried going to couples therapy but he kept lying to the therapist and now won’t participate. Should I not call him a liar anymore because his way of thinking is “correct”? I know I’m wrong for accusing him of other traits but with both of us unsure of his behavior or disorders, it leaves us BOTH confused. How do we handle this?
Based on what you’ve written, there are a lot of dysfunctional dynamics in your relationship that are causing you both harm. Even if you believe he is autistic, his behavior is still very harmful to you and to the relationship. Understanding the underlying cause of lying doesn’t excuse the behavior - it’s still a lie. It’s also possible to have neurodiverse (autistic) as well as toxic personality traits which are a bad combination. I recommend that you take my course with a quiz to help you get more clarity about this. It’s free right now. jodicarlton.com/autism-versus-narcissism
@@JodiCarltonis this survey still available?
Lying and cheating? And refusing to admit to it when there is evidence clear as day.. avoiding answering all together when confronted so he’s not “technically” lying? Insists he loves me and wants to be with me then busted taking ex away for a weekend… make it make sense please
What makes sense is that this is not about neurodivergence/autism. This is toxic abuse and is NOT a characteristic of autism. Deception like this goes well beyond lying to avoid confrontation - this involves lying to keep you invested and "hooked." Please do not mistake this behavior as autistic - it is not. Take a close look at this behavior and believe it for what it is - his words are not to be trusted.
Yes I agree, this sounds like personality pathology, not Autism.
How does this work where the person suspected of being on the spectrum is also ADHD with significant emotional dysregulation, and strong RSD?
It’s really no different. Lying has the same different kinds of purposes regardless of the diagnosis.
@@JodiCarlton I don't understand the "lying" reference. Do you mean lying to oneself, or in a different scope?
@@BGP_23 I thought I was answering your question - this video is about when a neurodivergent partner lies. Perhaps you can clarify your question for me?
@@JodiCarlton Ok, I think I figured out the disconnect. I had commented on two of your videos, and I got confused by the "It's really no different" comment. I was thinking that comment was related to the other video, which was how I got confused, my apologies for the confusion with that.
Now that I have had a chance to go back and rewatch this particular video to reset my scope and frame, I believe my question was related to the emotional dysregulation associated with ADHD. I think that is the difference I was referencing.
I wish when TH-cam showed notifications for a reply, they gave more context.
Once again, my apologies for being confusing in my previous response.