I would say only convert narcissist. Other forms of narcissist are generally more obvious. They don't generally hide who they are. But covert narcissist definitely try to hide who they are. That's why people on the outside, tend to act like you are lying or exaggerating when you discuss their behavior.
They are notorious for going for the jugular vein, and then act like it was no big deal. The ironic thing is they think they are the nicest person in the room. When they reveal their ugliness you never look at them the same again.
That’s what gets me….they don’t recognize how the evil words hurt. My husbands siblings haven’t spoke to him since we have been married. His mom always said that “they (siblings) never excepted him”. How was a child supposed to live like that?
I’m currently moving house with one. I rang him to ask about the printer as I want to do the applications. I received “oh FFS” before I managed to get the question out. “I beg your pardon, who do you think you’re speaking to?” and then I hung up. I gave it a minute then rang again. This time he answered “try again”. Confused I asked what he meant. He had the gall to tell me I was rude in the last call. Wow. Completely and absolutely left out his initial disrespect so now he is angry with ME. How I wish I could go my own way but alas I cannot. So, it’s another 16 odd years of this until I’m 70 :(
@mountain blue oh yes. Until you tell them how their anger and aggression has impacted you terribly over the years and they reply with: “I haven’t yelled at you in 2 days”. 😔
💯 percent correct,they act as if they are the most loving and caring in front of people but hide their true character of anger, hurting, rudeness and manipulative behaviour
The meanness was ultimately a Godsend for me. If it wasn’t for the meanness, it would have just been the gaslighting slowly driving me crazy and further into severe depression. The meanness was the catalyst that allowed me to say that I’ve had enough of being treated like sh** and finally end the relationship.
I'm going crazy over here. I have tried so hard and never seen such a mean person! I've finally after almost 29 years realized its not me!! Thank you Dr. C! I'm learning!
The meanness on it's own is easier to deal with as an adult...you can just leave or stop listening It's all the hot/cold behavior, gaslighting, manipulation, and parentification (making you feel bad for them)....that really gets you stuck and ultimately does more damage
The mean narcissist was so horrible, it felt really good to be mean back and walk away forever without so much as a good bye. But the contempt they elicit needs to be dealt to because it's poison to hold on to.
I've heard people say sarcasm sows cleverness. I really don't agree with that in my opinion anyway, I'm not saying its wrong but all the sarcastic people I've me haven't been very nice individuals
Goodness they are more than mean, they’re like downright evil. They insult and like hurting others. Especially when they’re in the middle of a narcissistic rage. They can also be nice when they want something from you.
And they can sweet talk cops into thinking you are crazy even though you have bruises and your face is bleeding. He even pulled out a set of fake ID to "prove" he didn't live with me. Cops walked away. I was flabbergasted.
My relationship with my girlfriend 5 months old, in that short time I have been threatened with police she would make up events, my dinners thrown over me, verbal abused for hrs, they are truly evil monsters.
They are sadistic, jealous, covetous and need to escape should be their #1 goal. They will never change...no contact is the way to save yourself. I did after decades of abuse...I will never let them abuse me again.
The constant state of anger and temper tantrum after temper tantrum is so exhausting and draining. That whole atmosphere of tension and unease they generate is awful.
the worst as a kid was being told 'we will talk about this later' you always knew it meant 'your in trouble and nothing you can say will fix it' and youd spend the entire day on eggshells, not able to enjoy anything knowing your gonna get scolded or hit.
Narcissists are more than just mean. They manipulate every situation to make themselves look like the one who's being bullied. They know exactly what sticks in your craw, and they exploit those weaknesses mercilessly, making *you* irritable and short-tempered, and thus appear to be the abusive one. I am RELATED to a person like this.
The good old reactive abuse they love to enact. One thing I learned to do was to not take the bait. (I grey rocked most times, but the implosion that would occur if I mocked them or laughed at them). As Kris Godinez said in one of her YT videos, "The smear campaign was happening long before you noticed it." I've learned to take the so-called L on that one. (If someone is that committed to misunderstanding me and not hearing my side of the story--it's truly no loss to me! No one needs any flying monkeys or enablers!)
This is my husband 100%. We are separated now and WILL be divorcing. He actually came out and told me he was an asshole like he was proud of it.....that's who he wants to be. He is the meanest person I've ever met except maybe my father who is also a narcissist. I have never been SO glad to be away from someone in my whole life!!!!!
The pain is great. If you don't do exactly what they want when they want it, they try to emotionally destroy you. They break every promise that they swear to keep. They don't care who they hurt. They claim to love you but always flip into drama before intimacy. They do not care. They do not nurture. They use people as tools.
My daughter and son-in-law broke my heart. Five years and six months of hatred. Thank you for helping me. I broke loose. And my heart is healing - even if I never see my grandchildren.
Exactly. I just asked my husband how his mom would respond if we asked these questions of her and we agreed that dishes would literally go flying at our heads. You'd have to hog tie them and duct tape their mouths to even begin this sort of interrogation lol.
The most annoying thing is when they insult you blatantly and go “it’s just sarcasm.” And “I hate filtering myself around you cuz you’re so sensitive” and “My other friends and I are just mean to each other! It’s affection” like no. It’s bullying
@@SurvivingNarcissism at one point during a group dungeons and dragons game where I am in charge as the dungeon master, she basically said to another player “I just don’t understand why me showing up with 20% of my effort and attention isn’t good enough.” Like her 20% is equal to everyone else’s 100%. So arrogant and egotistical.
My narcissist was able to be an angel around other people. The lightbulb finally came on during therapy when I realized that he was cruel to me because he chose to be.
Honestly, I think the narcissist is an extremely good actor. They actually rehearse and practice and plan pranks and manipulative techniques ahead of time. They are focused on money, a lot of the time, and getting whatever it is they want. When they cry, it is a big show. When they’re angry, yes, they could actually hurt you, but is the anger honestly for manipulation purposes? Most of the time, yes. They are proud of themselves for being con artists and doing what they do to people daily and frequently each day. They really love the power and control.
Yes, My husband & I. are in a power and control relationship. He’s kind & I’m mean. I can berate him in public come home and have the best sex either one of us have had. I plan out scenarios to get him mad but I hate using and hurting others around us . Just him. and we both agree to it. I was told by a cousin I had a temper as a kid( I had no idea!!!) He will humiliate me in public and I’ll be hurt but then we end up back in bed. It gets a little scary with the sex but Intrust him not to hurt me. Some of this is similar to Nicole Kidman’s relationship in Big little lies. That movie opened my eyes to some of our behaviors…Weird ha?
Yes 💯 We’re all acting to a degree but the narcissists are academy award level drama!! Murder, Mayhem , Drugs, adrenaline, tragedy ,comedy ….it’s life 🤷♀️
I think the meanness comes from the fact that they’re still children emotionally, maybe even toddler level. it’s just that they’re in adult bodies and they have more options of things they can do as adults.
So true, I always said that my mom was never allowed to grow up. She acts like a spoiled child @ the age of 71 and actually pouts when she does not get her way. It's sick.
@no chains no more It is, especially when they are able to use cold empathy and sociopathic tactics to become successful in their careers. Especially when they go into the helping professions where they are often over vulnerable people.
I guess they all come in different shapes and sizes ! Mine was the most charming, funny and “ happy go lucky “ individual you ever met. And the secret to his happiness was rather simple : don’t give a hoots about anyone but yourself !
they will never be sorry, and never change(for the better). never acknowledge any wrong doing, even though they mistreat other people on a regular basis
It’s super low cause they never want to talk about their emotions. They don’t see themselves as any problem. And of course they rationalize and justify everything they do.
Jessica: yes and deny their abusive behavior. " I Never said that", " I Never did that", " You are lying". I have made it a goal to stop engaging, but sometimes I slip and call them out. These are their responses to being called out...
When narcissist start screaming insults they are camouflaging their projections by traumatizing you from making the connections! They think they walk away with satisfaction by forcing you to accept shame, but what they have actually done is tell you who they are and what it is they have been doing behind your back.
My Mom was known as the mean Mom among my friends. When I was a child no one wanted to come to my house to play. It was embarrassing. As I got into my teens we all had nic names for our Moms. My mother was called evil kanival. Little did my friends know the extent of the abuse I was going through
The number one reason they are mean is to get to supply! They love seeing us uncomfortable, they love our reactions and seeing us roast on a slow spit that they turn round and around. Yep. That’s basically it. It’s their fun. Their sport! And everyday it’s the Olympics for them.
Yep. I realized that they do know what they're doing and they get off on it. That's why they get that sly grin when you react. They are poking you to get a rise out of you on purpose. It's sick and sad.
The malignant ones love, LOVE to harm others and control them.They are cold and remorseless. Even if they supposedly practice a religion. Churches full of blind people.
My Narcissist husband can't 😴 at night his mind games just won't let him sleep it's just like a 🐹 on a wheel in his head he's constantly thinking for me
as for the Covert it's a game they play with your mind, it's just a game with them until you find that truth. then their feelings of superiority are much easer to see because they become much more rude, much sharp, meaner. truth is there is ONLY 2 ways to win over them. that is ether to win in court, or just walk out of their life. ether way tho, they will send their Flying Monkey's at you. and just know their Monkeys may not show up for a few years.
If you land a valid criticism, on a narcissist, they will do one, of three things : Either they will fall-silent, because they won’t give to you, the victory, -or- they will, (in a deflection-tactic), turn-around and immediately accuse you of doing the identical thing, that you are accusing them, of, and the naturally doubting personality, will consider that it MAY possibly be true, and slink-off, into a corner, -or-, the narcissist will lash-out, at you, because the narcissist can’t psychologically accept the blame .
Their lack of moral character is so bad that if you just barely escape death during an encounter with them using violence against you through you using only the force necessary to get away from that violence to see another day then according to them they instead were the one being victimized at the time.
@@francesbernard2445 I started my relationships with telling anyone who would listen that I have cast iron skillets in different sizes. The small one is in case they annoy me, the big 14" one matches the imprint of a car steering wheel to make it look like an accident.
My sister kicked me when I was down with severe illness. Called me disgusting, isolated me and denied med doctors help. Didn't know she could be that evil. I have wenr in to No contact now. I never want to see her ever again!
@@gryl.4030 I’m so sorry you had to go trough all of this ! It’s the time of needs that we find out who are the people that truly care about us are ! Surrounded yourself with good soles !
Oh I got one! My narc mother visited her sister in the ICU with a heart problem and proceeded to tell her that she was a burden to her children. Sweet huh?
You have reduced me to tears, yeah am hurting so bad today, am an empath, never had boundaries, people pleaser all my life, I have left the relationship as I can't do this anymore, he's such a toxic individual, I listen to you alot, you give me the strength to keep fighting on, am a survivor, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to experience, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Love to you all 💕
I call that the " Mean Nice " cycle. While this is happening, ( for decades), they rarely admit their bad behavior and the gaslighting continues between episodes of mean or nice. I would love to have a forgiving spirit, but I don't want to go back to being a naive doormat either.
I can’t agree with you more!!!! I just found out my mean person has been invited to my son and daughter-in-law’s baby shower in two weeks. Thank goodness for Dr C and his teaching!! This person’s own daughter-in-law called her a heartless b%$@h. Her daughter-in-law is one of the sweetest people I know. How in the world can people be so horrible!?!?!?
@@kingsdaughter1647 Some so-called “sweet” people can put on such a good act in front of others that they deserve to win an Oscar. Those are the kind of people who will help others while they watch you struggle so everyone else will think they are an angel with light shining out of their rear and you end up with others thinking that you are the bad one, especially when trying to expose them.
@@nataliehelmig920 so so true and the character I knew would also put on the angelic "boyfriend" front even causing envy. But then when there was no audience to act for he would sit there ogling other women, 🔼..FFS how twisted
You can forgive to set yourself free but never go back to them. Please remember if we don't forgive how can God forgive us? Forgive but never ever go back. It's just a life lesson.
The reason why the narcissist is the way they are is self image. The narcissist creates a false reality to make those around the narcissist believe they are better than everyone else to protect their shallow egos. To the narcissist they need to be the one's in control because their false reality depends upon the need to be acknowledged by external individuals that makes the narcissist feel important. If you are not with the narcissist the narcissist believes that you are against them thus the narcissist will consider you their enemy. It's an extremely childish behavior but it's the narcissist's coping mechanism to deal with their fragile egos and being able to push around those that won't become a part of their flying monkeys (which gives the narcissist their sense of entitlement / superiority). Plain and simple, narcissists are damaged goods, mentally speaking. Since NPD is a permanent lifelong mental disorder that has become an integral part of their personality there is little to nothing that modern science and medicine can do for the narcissist.
You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the false reality the narcissist lives in -- that and the accompanying negative, manipulating behavior is my sister to a T!
I never understood why these maniacs are so mean. I remember someone talking about how they'd rather be feared than loved. They think that saying mean things and insults will motivate that victim. It actually chisels away at their self esteem and soul, and it also garners a hatred that could become dangerous to that mean person.
My mom who’s a narcissist hit me and insulted me a lot thinking that it would motivate me but she also chiseled away my self esteem. I’ve been believing that everyone who knows me thinks I’m stupid.
Always Remember IT'S NOT YOU IT'S THEM...Their anger is their problem NOT your's. This has helped me on my path of seeing through mine..As he yells and insults. I repeat that in my head and a lot of times it calms me and I don't even react to him.
Sadly, so familiar. At the age of 59, right after my mother passed, I shut down my narcissist sister and cut up our sister card. My life has been so good since.
That's exactly it. I would never be able to treat the narcissist the way they treat me. And I don't. No response when I ask if they would like me to treat them the way they treat me. 🤷 And no empathy.
Everybody deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. If we are faced with mean narcisists it is best to acknowledge who we are dealing with and walk away. Thank you dr Carter.
Even my Cat recognizes my husband's meanness, Jasper stays his distance. Reflecting on the competition the Narcissists lives with, he is very jealous of my relationship even with my cat. So sad of a human being .
Wow I thought inwas just imagining things.. we recently got a kitten names Simba and he always runs whenever he sees my partner .. he cuddles next to me but not him .
My narc ex was jealous of my cat. When my cat went missing and he never came back I was heart broken and my ex got angry and frustrated with me that I was making too much of a fuss. Looking back now I think it made his day. They are demons in human form.
Many thanks Les, after 42 yrs of confusion and torture I finally get it. When someone makes a deep emotional bond with a fake persona it's hard to except the reality of being used by a very sick covert Narcissist. I'm a people pleaser who can't say no, and was easy supply. Your videos have helped me understand the mind of someone with no awareness of the feelings of others. Thank you very much for your help.
It’s like being in the twilight zone when you come to terms with the realization they never cared about you at all. 40 yrs gone! It took me some time spent on the rumination of that fact. It’s hard to swallow. Time to recover and revalue your self. You deserve all the dignity, respect, and civility you were born to have Charles. God hold your fragile heart in his hands, while you regain the strength to propetuate the happiness you also deserve.
@@melianelson9036 I feel so sorry that you were used for so long. It can happen to anyone. If you had some happy moments it was not all wasted. Good, decent people are taken advantage of so much. You were just fooled by a broken person trying to survive in a world that they are afraid of. You are free now. Good luck.🌈♥️🎶💐
@@leanne123 that is a good way to describe it. I agree it is so hardwired in them. But for me, the meanness was like a switch she could turn off/on at will. As an 8 year old I was without guile, innocent, and wanting to love and be loved. What kind of monster victimizes that? There was no escape. I had 9 more years to go, and I made it. I left.
26 years for me and though I get it now I am still here. I am past denial so I think Ive moved on to pretending, pretending this type of nothing matters life is acceptable. And thats how it becomes, nothing can matter, he makes sure of that. On those "nice" days I think I pretend that all the "other" days dont exist. I still can be completely shocked at how evil and mean he can be and I hate myself for still being here
@@christinelaurins551 look, don't hate yourself, that's his doing. Like that one comment said, they are the ones who are afraid. You'll figure out what to do (and when you do, know that Les's comment section will cheer you on! Keep us posted, Christine! ((Hugs))
From my experience, they don’t want to connect with you, they want to have control over you. As long as they have that they are not “ sad “ by any stretch of imagination !
@@matilda1505 That obsessive need for control is an expression of their trance. Narcissists don't know a better way of thinking, relating, and living. They know right from wrong. They know they hurt people. They see the pain of others as a victory. They only care about others as long as they can manipulate, harm, and use them. They just love to be evil. Narcissists do not know true sadness. They only relate to their own suffering. A narc's unhappiness goes back strictly to their inner pain, and their distress is always hand-in-hand with their rage.
A “trance” is an excellent way to describe it. My narc husband walks around with a blank look on his face, like Mr. Spock from Star Trek. He never smiles or laughs at home. Just a blank, apathetic look. When he is out in public, though, smiles and laughs abound.
@@ryanvtec3885 Yep that is the most manipulative trick to attack the person being bullied with false accusations. Rather then cooperation and kindness they like to instigate confrontation while blaming others for their own behavior. This is an epidemic in the U.S. many are encouraged to behave this way and not care about how they affect other people. Avoid those people because they are toxic and exhausting to be around.
@@hikerhobby1204 I never believed it until I actually got sick for 14 days with a headache, stomachache, lack of appetite and no energy. I thought it was covid until I went to go get tested and the test came back negative. I took two of them to be sure. Both were negative. The doctor told me that maybe it was a common virus...? But the more I came around this bastard, the worse I got. Both limbs were hurting and I would get this wave of pain shoot through both my arms and legs. When my husband finally left for deployment, is when I finally started to heal and I got most of my health recovered. He is just a barrel of toxicity.
This female narc told me once she was made a manager and thus was responsible for firing people...I said o gee I would hate that...to let someone down like... She answered I loved every minute of that!! Mean u say o hell yes
My dear, they 'choose' to derive pleasure by hurting their targets...they enjoy it - they know they are evil...their manipulation is very very deliberate..the name-calling, verbal & emotional abuse to destroy the target's self-worth, the backbiting and smearing the target's name...in order to isolate them...to dominate & play ugly power games..they know what they are doing. May the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob severely punish all such evil persons and administer them an unbearable taste/dose of their own medicine. And may the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob encircle and protect and deliver with His divine intervention...all those that need deliverance from these cowards, abusers. Amen.
Looking back on it it amazes me how many of them were so cruel, raging at me for no reason all the while telling me and acting like I was the devil. I was very sick and very quiet while they went on with their antics yet according to them I was soooo bad. Huh?!
I know several narcissistic people, who think they are only being honest, when they actually insult and hurt people all the time It is like they once and for all dicided, that their opinion is the only truth that counts and that they have a right to express it unfiltered all the time, regardless of what others might feel.
They don't think they are being honest. They know they are being insulting, demanding, rude, controlling, manipulative, and obnoxious. They just use that whole I'm just saying or doing what I feel is best for you as a cover up. They know they don't mean well. They just want to keep you under their thumb as their supply.
everyTime I listen to one of your videos, I feel like you are talking Directly to Me. I didn’t have a name for what to call the person I lived with for seven years. I named him “ The Supreme Over Lord “. I thought he was a Sociopath. But now I know he is a Narcissist. I was living in a military compound because he put up an eight foot fence to keep the deer out of the yard. He’s also the Only person who Ever called me a Dumb Ass. I have a degree in chemistry and have a hobby of designing purses and bags. I used to celebrate the anniversary of the day I moved out his house. Anyone who finds themselves involved with a narcissist, Run Away From Them As Fast As You Can and Remember to Never Look Back because they will always be the person who fooled you into getting involved with them in the first place. Move along and find new opportunities to share your Joy of living with others.
Hey Jola. I was commenting on when I come across you and all what you just said in your comments is great and amazing, I will like us to been a friend's, is that's okay with you..??
Someone called my narc mom a demon. She smiled, laughed and loved it. She surrounds herself with actually nice and forgiving people so she can pull her crap and everyone forgives her. Of course that makes her worse for me to deal with because she wouldn't do anything mean to her public audience/enablers.
My mother was not very aware. Her own mother told her all the time how stupid she was. I didn’t learn that fact until I was taking care of her the last 10 years of her life. She lived to be 101. Several aspects helped me to forgive her and process my emotions of being emotionally neglected, never encouraged, no affection. Yada Yada. I still feel cheated at times, yet I consider the source of her own low esteem. I motivated myself to accomplish quite a bit, so they say, but to me I never had the confidence to achieve “ my best.” My kids are great, and that is satisfying to me. Some of us have to be pioneers to build the future. I’m ok with that at 70.
My possible narc was in the air force. "I'm the one with a career" "I don't know why your smiling you work at dominos" being called garbage, broken, trash. Good times. I'm glad she's out of my life but the damage is done
Not possible. Definitely so. Mine was in the military. I’m a single mom and took time off after I had my son and when looking for work I wanted something in my field so I refused to take a job lower than my experience level as I new what I deserved and in time I would find what’s for me. He would always call me a bum and tell me I needed to get a life because he has a career and I’m not working instead of being supportive and reminding me I shouldn’t settle and to keep looking and he’ll be here no matter what. Now I’m much better, doing way better than him financially and I’m super happy I decided to just ghost him as I couldn’t take the disrespect anymore and he seen no problem w they way I was treated. If you don’t love me at my worst you definitely can’t be w me at the highest point in my life
Wow. My narc says I'm nobody because I don't own any property. I asked if it ever occurred to him I may not want to own any property other than a vehicle?
The worst part was the ‘sarcasm’ and ‘jokes’ that were so hurtful but you’re made to feel too sensitive for speaking up and telling them you don’t like it. It’s so cowardly and really breaks you down and steals your confidence over time.
He tells me horrible things. Like why would he apologize for being him. He likes who he is an “asshole” . Tells me the worst things that hurts me to the core. Mad because he got caught cheating and now it’s my fault. I’m in therapy I’m having nightmares. I feel he has taken eveything from me emotionally and mentally
If you pay attention the violent behavior runs in cycles..after they blow up there is a period of remorse and regret that lasts until the next violent episode....this period of sweetness is what hooks you in..you hope they have seen the light and will change....it is deceptive and will never happen... as time goes on the blow up become more violent..the only rational thing to stop the event is to walk away and never look back
Power and Control Wheel absolutely applies. They get mean. They are not always mean, that's how we fall for them. Fall, downhill all the way. It never gets better, only worse. We deny the mean streak for YEARS, we are complacent, fear leaving...it takes great strength to leave them. We leave shattered, losing so much. They continue on and never change. If we don't change we will never know peace and happiness.
@@choosepeacetoday A true friend will believe and support you. And find a good therapist to help you stay grounded and strong. Staying in a relationship with them will slowly eviscerate you-you will become an empty shell.
@@madeittothepromisedland...7670 True. One of them has left, probably because I maintained my boundaries. Working on the last remaining one in the house. Thank you. I am looking forward to the promised land too. Thank you for the reminder about true friends.
My relative who is a narcissist is so mean to anyone she views as "beneath her". She justified her awful behavior and attitude by saying she is justified because she had such a terrible childhood! So she doesn't have to account to anyone about her behavior! I never saw her ever apologize to anyone for anything.
Yes, just try to get away from them. If you try to point out that they're mean, they'll say they were just joking and you're just being overly sensitive. A lot of their mean behavior is disguised as just joking around.
My ex was a narcissist and I found it literally impossible to talk to him. My mom was also a narcissist and same -- there is just no talking with these people. You can never get through. It's utterly frustrating and you get nowhere with them.
They label others mean because it's the only way of thinking they understand. They are incapable of understanding selflessness and goodness, and they live in a world where they think everybody is as mean as them. It gives me perspective to appreciate the simple joy of being able to perceive true goodness and have peace of mind.
The cruelty is shocking This is the worst making you cry than laughing at you . It’s childish. They don’t like it when you say something normal not meant to hurt them they fly off the handle and attack you.
It has helped me to think about my narc as an addict. I think they are addicted to rage and control! it has helped me to recognize my own enabling and codependency in the relationship. Their behavior is a reflection of their illness, not anything I am or am not doing. I can't fix them and I'm not even helping, they gotta find their own rock bottom and I don't want to be down there with them!!
I am afraid that I am becoming mean after all the years of dealing with the narcissists in my life. Being kind only makes me weaker in their eyes and a target.
You need to do whatever you can to not let that happen. Do not lose your kindness. It is a beautiful gift! Get away from them if you must, but do not let them rob you of your sweet soul!!
Sadly its an unavoidable occurrence. Can’t much be helped. We can only try to do damage control and change ourself once we’ve extricated from the relationship.
I recently questioned when the narcissist verbally love bombed me - suddenly showing interest in me for the first time in months. My questioning them started a battle with no end in sight.
You are absolutely right, because I have experienced this more than once. One thing I learned, actually 2 things. Number 1, STOP hating yourself, Number 2, look at the situation, and get real, be honest about it, and try to correct the person, if not, adios.
Mean? Evil, calculating, nasty, demeaning, manipulating, moody. And they love it. My question is why are they like this? So many narcs all with the same traits. Is it a missing part of their brain, abuse, trauma? There must be an answer because so many of them exist and they're all alike.
Dr Carter. You just explained 38 years of mental abuse I had no idea existed in 12 minutes that completely depicts my MOTHER. Imagine being the child of a Narcissistic person. She has turned my life upside down.
I had a narcissistic supervisor and when I was diagnosed with breast cancer she pretended to be supportive just so I would share more information about my diagnosis and treatment. When I went back to work after having had three major surgeries and 30 rounds of radiation treatment I was still not feeling well. She was so mean that she assigned me on a case requiring for me to work 60 hour weeks when there were other cases that required a 40 hour a week schedule. I really do not know how I made it through those harrowing weeks and months. I am so glad that this malignant narcissist was forced to retire last year during the pandemic because her job was made redundant. I hope that she receives the karma that she deserves.
Antoinette...may God continue to bless you. Im so sorry for all that you endured.. I have 2 things to say about karma. Karma is Satan's sister and KARMA is a patient gangsta. All in due time my friend. 🥰
My dad is a narcissist, and he's a major bully. He always feels the need to insert his way into my daily activities, as if I am not allowed to do things alone, but worst, he's a compulsive liar, he is dishonest with anyone and everyone, so he breaks promises with me and others, I want to leave him for good, and I hope I get my chance, the first opportunity I get.
Omg Dr C… everything is absolutely true what you said. Insulting you, then saying “you took it the wrong way“, being on the receiving end of their rage, not even knowing what the hell they’re even mad about. But they let you know for certain, YOU’RE the reason they’re angry..this, after saying the nastiest things to you. The list goes on and on…. I’m so over it, and glad I’m out of it. Thanks Dr C for what you do.♥️
One of the biggest "mind f's" for me (many years back, as a very young adult) was that in public and in front of her friends, MIL was sickeningly sweet to me. Behind closed doors, totally different. Made me think *I* was the bad one, and that all of her friends and family members thought so too. They were witnessing her being SO NICE to me, how on earth could I have any kind of problem with her, or that she could possibly be mistreating me?? I saw through her, but no one would believe me. Glad she hasn't been (physically) a part of my life for the last 3 plus decades!
I dealing with same behaviour, absolute evil monster, brother plan ahead get out, I'm almost out of my toxic sick relationship, it's making sick typing this. Get out asap.
I totally relate to your msg..you really get to see a person's true colours when you live with them and people don't know what's really going on on the homefront..they only see the good side of the narcissist..then they think there's something wrong with you when you tell them. And when noone believes you, you have no support..so dealing with it on your own is sheer hell.
Being honest, this is the first time that I have cried listening to one of these videos. My husband (and I use this term lightly), is one of the most most evil human beings. Bringing up mistakes that I made 30 years ago, screaming, screaming at me for any suggestions I make especially if it will cost money. I lost my job because of him and now it’s “his” money only. I have to pay him back for anything I buy including groceries. It’s Christmas and I have to pay for the gifts that I’m buying for my sons. Yes I need to leave, but it’s hard to find an apartment without pay stubs. I’ve even had to hide in my closet at times to stop his verbal abuse. Oh well, thank you for letting me vent. 😢
I believe because some of them were overlooked and treated badly in childhood. I know my soon to be ex was. However, that's not my problem. I refuse to live my life being his punching bag.
Many are covertly mean (as it suits their agenda). Such an articulate discussion. Thank you. So helpful. And they think it's their job to insult you when no one is looking.
Yes. Outwardly my covertly narcissistic Dad could say all the right things. And it seems he did know right from wrong, kind from mean. But in passive aggressive, manipulative ways, he could do truly mean things to his closest family and friends. Looking back it was a form of gaslighting. And I can forgive myself now for taking so long to see what he was doing.
The meaness is lack of empathy. They know they don't feel the love that others feel and they are jealous. They have to make others miserable to make themselves feel anything. People only have a use for them.
Dr. C! I needed this I am going through this now. I didn’t understand I was letting these people into my life. Now I know the red flags!they tell me who they are and I keep drinking gather punch. 1. Gossip about others. Talking bad about exes, talking badly about friends, they have no fault in any dissolution of relationships. 2. Drama. Their ill ways Drama. They argue and fight through no fault of their own. 3.insecure. They have to make sure your perspective of them is always good. 4. Love bombing. They will do anything for you until you disappoint them. 5. They pretend to be perfect and if you draw a boundary they feel less than perfect they cut you out of their life. Be strong know who you are because when you know who you are they will crumble, they hate happiness and independence and the ability to love because they have no idea how to love.
If you met my ex narc, you'd think that she was a really nice stable person but if you called her out on a lie, you'd see the real her. I didn't see just how mean she could be until she found the new supply. The cruelty she's capable of blew me away. I once, once brought up the possibility that our son was disabled because of her heavy smoking while she was pregnant with him. She exploded and tried to turn it around on me. Some of her family have seen her for what she is but others continue to act as her enablers. Don't fall for a narc if you can help it.
Same. I tell everyone who has yet to meet him- “You’re going to love him. He is literally a ‘great guy.’ He will make sure you don’t see the person he is when he’s around me.”
It took me a while to realize that the nastiness is a reflection of the deep seated fears and insecurities. Why do they act out whenever they fear they are not in control? It's possibly part Machiavellian. Niccolo Machiavelli in his work "The Prince" spoke about using fear. Narcs figure that they can get others to comply by using fear.
Unfortunately there are many of these "creatures" around. I've had contact with them throughout my life - these episodes were not pretty. However, I've become quite adept at recognizing their "deficiencies". As soon as I become cognizant of their true motives I disengage - as soon as possible. You can't change these individuals but you can be the master of your own destiny and protect yourself. Don't waste your time on these people who really only care about themselves. Develop relationships with human beings who share your outlooks on life, are worthy of your time and attention and return your empathy and love.
I feel like I have been around these things all my life. Starting with my mother - and ending with ex husband - and a number of former friends. They are just awful. No contact with them all.
@@bronwyntanner4501 Same here. My mother precipitated so much bullshit, abuse and grief to me. Following that several relationships, a broken engagement, and then a horrendously ridiculous marriage. I would rather spend the rest of my days alone, like a recluse, than to ever have to go through any of that shit again. There's a huge difference between "being alone" and "being lonely".
They’re mean but want to appear like angels. Especially covert narcissists.
They sure do … so meak, mild humble and vulnerable … but underneath they have a nasty poisonous streak that strikes when least expecting it
Esp coverts....
@@Ski7440 SO TRUE!
So true
I would say only convert narcissist. Other forms of narcissist are generally more obvious. They don't generally hide who they are. But covert narcissist definitely try to hide who they are. That's why people on the outside, tend to act like you are lying or exaggerating when you discuss their behavior.
Their meanness is yet another way to dehumanize you.
Exactly. Dr. C
Yes gross disregard and disrespect to those they treat with such arrogance and disdain.
They are notorious for going for the jugular vein, and then act like it was no big deal. The ironic thing is they think they are the nicest person in the room. When they reveal their ugliness you never look at them the same again.
exactly- we call Toxic W the Female Wrecking Ball- one woman TRAIN WRECK... never a lady.(my cousin. ug)
That’s what gets me….they don’t recognize how the evil words hurt. My husbands siblings haven’t spoke to him since we have been married. His mom always said that “they (siblings) never excepted him”. How was a child supposed to live like that?
I’m currently moving house with one. I rang him to ask about the printer as I want to do the applications. I received “oh FFS” before I managed to get the question out. “I beg your pardon, who do you think you’re speaking to?” and then I hung up. I gave it a minute then rang again. This time he answered “try again”. Confused I asked what he meant. He had the gall to tell me I was rude in the last call. Wow. Completely and absolutely left out his initial disrespect so now he is angry with ME. How I wish I could go my own way but alas I cannot. So, it’s another 16 odd years of this until I’m 70 :(
@mountain blue oh yes. Until you tell them how their anger and aggression has impacted you terribly over the years and they reply with: “I haven’t yelled at you in 2 days”. 😔
💯 percent correct,they act as if they are the most loving and caring in front of people but hide their true character of anger, hurting, rudeness and manipulative behaviour
The meanness was ultimately a Godsend for me. If it wasn’t for the meanness, it would have just been the gaslighting slowly driving me crazy and further into severe depression. The meanness was the catalyst that allowed me to say that I’ve had enough of being treated like sh** and finally end the relationship.
If nothing else, the meanness can prompt you to say...I can do better, I WILL do better. Dr. C
God, yes! Me too. I couldn’t understand how someone could be so mean. I knew there was no point in staying after that.
I'm going crazy over here. I have tried so hard and never seen such a mean person! I've finally after almost 29 years realized its not me!! Thank you Dr. C! I'm learning!
The meanness on it's own is easier to deal with as an adult...you can just leave or stop listening
It's all the hot/cold behavior, gaslighting, manipulation, and parentification (making you feel bad for them)....that really gets you stuck and ultimately does more damage
The mean narcissist was so horrible, it felt really good to be mean back and walk away forever without so much as a good bye.
But the contempt they elicit needs to be dealt to because it's poison to hold on to.
A lot of them think their sarcasm, irreverence and bitchiness is attractive, or appealing. To me, it's an instant (and permanent) turn-off.
Same here! Dr. C
Exactly
I've heard people say sarcasm sows cleverness. I really don't agree with that in my opinion anyway, I'm not saying its wrong but all the sarcastic people I've me haven't been very nice individuals
I agree! Extreme turn off!
Mine used to enjoy saying they were an asshole. Never understood that.
‘I have no desire to clear my name in your book of fiction’
Don’t remember where I read that but I thought it was liberating.
Goodness they are more than mean, they’re like downright evil. They insult and like hurting others. Especially when they’re in the middle of a narcissistic rage. They can also be nice when they want something from you.
And they can sweet talk cops into thinking you are crazy even though you have bruises and your face is bleeding. He even pulled out a set of fake ID to "prove" he didn't live with me. Cops walked away. I was flabbergasted.
Lawyers and judges get charmed too for him to fool others and get all lying.
My relationship with my girlfriend 5 months old, in that short time I have been threatened with police she would make up events, my dinners thrown over me, verbal abused for hrs, they are truly evil monsters.
They are sadistic, jealous, covetous and need to escape should be their #1 goal. They will never change...no contact is the way to save yourself. I did after decades of abuse...I will never let them abuse me again.
This is an accurate description of my mother and sister
The constant state of anger and temper tantrum after temper tantrum is so exhausting and draining. That whole atmosphere of tension and unease they generate is awful.
They’re not always mean. They can be super nice..when they want something from you!
Oh, you mean the sneaky nice that they do? Sneaky nice is also mean .... countless empty gestures and half gestures that go nowhere.
Jacqueline . Well that is mean in my book. If they have to resort to manipulation . That's not nice . Their wolf's !
Unapologetic of course he can go jail . You kidding . That's rape surely . Unless you say yes it's rape even if married . The monster
Unapologetic calls cops I would . Wrong wrong wrong . That not ove . I'm sorry to be brutal but he a monster . Where's love ?
Apologetics go to police . Not acceptable .♥️
They even boast about the crappy things they've done to other people
Many of them hold their meanness as a badge of honor. They're proud of it.
Disgraceful behaviour and dysfunctional sick nonsense from an adult
That's the truth.
sick people
Yep
Yes, my narcissist older sister is very proud of her meanness & has openly laughed about her vile behaviors for years.
the worst as a kid was being told 'we will talk about this later' you always knew it meant 'your in trouble and nothing you can say will fix it' and youd spend the entire day on eggshells, not able to enjoy anything knowing your gonna get scolded or hit.
One of my favorite quotes, some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others
👍💕🙏
Love it
Know a woman at work who wears platform shoes in order to appear commanding. 🙄
Narcissists are more than just mean. They manipulate every situation to make themselves look like the one who's being bullied. They know exactly what sticks in your craw, and they exploit those weaknesses mercilessly, making *you* irritable and short-tempered, and thus appear to be the abusive one. I am RELATED to a person like this.
The good old reactive abuse they love to enact. One thing I learned to do was to not take the bait. (I grey rocked most times, but the implosion that would occur if I mocked them or laughed at them). As Kris Godinez said in one of her YT videos, "The smear campaign was happening long before you noticed it." I've learned to take the so-called L on that one. (If someone is that committed to misunderstanding me and not hearing my side of the story--it's truly no loss to me! No one needs any flying monkeys or enablers!)
Wow. You described exactly what I'm dealing with right now from my adult son who has moved back in with me! It's a living nightmare!
This is my husband 100%. We are separated now and WILL be divorcing. He actually came out and told me he was an asshole like he was proud of it.....that's who he wants to be. He is the meanest person I've ever met except maybe my father who is also a narcissist. I have never been SO glad to be away from someone in my whole life!!!!!
congrats
Good luck with everything,Amy !
Same here. He laughed when he called himself that. He thought it was fun.
Mines tells me the same. And that I make him do and say these mean things. My heart and mind will never understand
Mine actually referred to himself as cruel, mean and nasty. Which he revealed fully when I divorced him after 32 long years.
They're devoid of all emotions. Then they shift the blame and play victim. "Oh im the one suffering" all of a sudden.
@sunshine8495 absolutely. I'm the one with cancer, yet no I get no support or empathy, and he's the one suffering somehow.
The pain is great. If you don't do exactly what they want when they want it, they try to emotionally destroy you.
They break every promise that they swear to keep. They don't care who they hurt. They claim to love you but always flip into drama before intimacy.
They do not care. They do not nurture. They use people as tools.
I am so sorry.
@no chains no more God Bless you
My daughter and son-in-law broke my heart. Five years and six months of hatred. Thank you for helping me. I broke loose. And my heart is healing - even if I never see my grandchildren.
You just described my mother.
It is a constant roller coaster of highs and very crashing lows. Confusion.
If you asked a narcissist those questions, they would fly off the handle.
Exactly. I just asked my husband how his mom would respond if we asked these questions of her and we agreed that dishes would literally go flying at our heads. You'd have to hog tie them and duct tape their mouths to even begin this sort of interrogation lol.
My point. Dr. C
@@chelleb3055 oh you have one of these mother in law's too? LOL 😂
They would never assume the question is directed to them.
They may also start planning a retaliation behind your back.
Dont reason with them as though they are humans with integrity, they are not.
The most annoying thing is when they insult you blatantly and go “it’s just sarcasm.” And “I hate filtering myself around you cuz you’re so sensitive” and “My other friends and I are just mean to each other! It’s affection” like no. It’s bullying
Bullying indeed! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism at one point during a group dungeons and dragons game where I am in charge as the dungeon master, she basically said to another player “I just don’t understand why me showing up with 20% of my effort and attention isn’t good enough.”
Like her 20% is equal to everyone else’s 100%. So arrogant and egotistical.
My narcissist was able to be an angel around other people. The lightbulb finally came on during therapy when I realized that he was cruel to me because he chose to be.
Yes...make sure you watch next Thursday's new video about a narcissist's charm and wit. Dr. C
He knew he could get away with it.
Honestly, I think the narcissist is an extremely good actor. They actually rehearse and practice and plan pranks and manipulative techniques ahead of time. They are focused on money, a lot of the time, and getting whatever it is they want. When they cry, it is a big show. When they’re angry, yes, they could actually hurt you, but is the anger honestly for manipulation purposes? Most of the time, yes. They are proud of themselves for being con artists and doing what they do to people daily and frequently each day. They really love the power and control.
I watch once my N husband crying but there was no tears coming out of his eyes
Yes,
My husband & I. are in a power and control relationship. He’s kind & I’m mean. I can berate him in public come home and have the best sex either one of us have had. I plan out scenarios to get him mad but I hate using and hurting others around us . Just him. and we both agree to it. I was told by a cousin I had a temper as a kid( I had no idea!!!) He will humiliate me in public and I’ll be hurt but then we end up back in bed. It gets a little scary with the sex but Intrust him not to hurt me. Some of this is similar to Nicole Kidman’s relationship in Big little lies. That movie opened my eyes to some of our behaviors…Weird ha?
Persefone Exactly a narcissistic is very controlling, conniving, and calculating that’s how they are they will do whatever it takes to get there way.
Yes 💯 We’re all acting to a degree but the narcissists are academy award level drama!! Murder, Mayhem , Drugs, adrenaline, tragedy ,comedy ….it’s life 🤷♀️
Yes my ex-husband is in love with money. It's the love of his life, and he will do anything for it.
I think the meanness comes from the fact that they’re still children emotionally, maybe even toddler level. it’s just that they’re in adult bodies and they have more options of things they can do as adults.
Strange!
So true, I always said that my mom was never allowed to grow up. She acts like a spoiled child @ the age of 71 and actually pouts when she does not get her way. It's sick.
I CONSTANLY tell my husband he has the emotional age of a 2yr old!
@no chains no more It is, especially when they are able to use cold empathy and sociopathic tactics to become successful in their careers. Especially when they go into the helping professions where they are often over vulnerable people.
@@foxiefair123 It's the classic main ingredient for the communal narcissist of the year!
The Narcissists that I have personal dealt with are very toxic miserable people.. sad existence, life is to short, have a great day...
@chris. This is my view as well. Miserable , mean spirited and they love to try to bring you down. Yes life is too short to be this way.
I guess they all come in different shapes and sizes ! Mine was the most charming, funny and “ happy go lucky “ individual you ever met. And the secret to his happiness was rather simple : don’t give a hoots about anyone but yourself !
they will never be sorry, and never change(for the better).
never acknowledge any wrong doing, even though they mistreat
other people on a regular basis
I have found that as well very miserable and unhappy.
It’s like they are pissed off at you for being happy!! It’s not my fault you wasted 1/2 your life in prison 😌
It’s super low cause they never want to talk about their emotions. They don’t see themselves as any problem. And of course they rationalize and justify everything they do.
Jessica: yes and deny their abusive behavior. " I Never said that", " I Never did that", " You are lying". I have made it a goal to stop engaging, but sometimes I slip and call them out. These are their responses to being called out...
That's my Narcissist Husband he's bent on hurting me he hates me and he loves to use me to his advantage
When narcissist start screaming insults they are camouflaging their projections by traumatizing you from making the connections!
They think they walk away with satisfaction by forcing you to accept shame, but what they have actually done is tell you who they are and what it is they have been doing behind your back.
My Mom was known as the mean Mom among my friends. When I was a child no one wanted to come to my house to play. It was embarrassing. As I got into my teens we all had nic names for our Moms. My mother was called evil kanival. Little did my friends know the extent of the abuse I was going through
The number one reason they are mean is to get to supply! They love seeing us uncomfortable, they love our reactions and seeing us roast on a slow spit that they turn round and around. Yep. That’s basically it. It’s their fun. Their sport! And everyday it’s the Olympics for them.
☝️🏆
@Just Megs; BRAVO!! well said!
So true! And it is so sad. 👍🏼
Yep. I realized that they do know what they're doing and they get off on it. That's why they get that sly grin when you react. They are poking you to get a rise out of you on purpose. It's sick and sad.
The malignant ones love, LOVE to harm others and control them.They are cold and remorseless. Even if they supposedly practice a religion. Churches full of blind people.
It's like they walk around with an invisible chip on their shoulder just waiting for someone to come along and knock it off.
Good description every narc I know has this invisible chip
Many of them do, it seems to me.
@@alonzomosley7 and if you DO knock it off u better watch out because if they’re even a low level narc, they’ll absolutely fly off the handle.
They enjoy hurting others, with spiteful words and deeds. They are restless and generally never seem to be content.
Oh, you've met my roommate?
This is my brother in-law and sister , even trying to sell my house out from under me
My Narcissist husband can't 😴 at night his mind games just won't let him sleep it's just like a 🐹 on a wheel in his head he's constantly thinking for me
as for the Covert it's a game they play with your mind, it's just a game with them until you find that truth. then their feelings of superiority are much easer to see because they become much more rude, much sharp, meaner.
truth is there is ONLY 2 ways to win over them. that is ether to win in court, or just walk out of their life. ether way tho, they will send their Flying Monkey's at you. and just know their Monkeys may not show up for a few years.
He was lovely to everyone else…but not me. Everyone thinks I’m crazy for high tailing it out of there. lol
They're so mean until we can't take their meanness anymore.
Then they freak out and get even meaner! Lol
@@EphemeralProductions I can attest to that!!
Me too
Monstrous. They use another person as a 'biting stick' to alleviate their personal pain, and distract from their inadequacies and shortcomings.
Best to have minimal or no contact!
It's amazing how they can go in and out of character. They truly show you who they really are once they get what they want.
If you land a valid criticism, on a narcissist, they will do one, of three things :
Either they will fall-silent, because they won’t give to you, the victory, -or-
they will, (in a deflection-tactic), turn-around and immediately accuse you of doing the identical thing, that you are accusing them, of, and the naturally doubting personality, will consider that it MAY possibly be true, and slink-off, into a corner, -or-,
the narcissist will lash-out, at you, because the narcissist can’t psychologically accept the blame .
Their lack of moral character is so bad that if you just barely escape death during an encounter with them using violence against you through you using only the force necessary to get away from that violence to see another day then according to them they instead were the one being victimized at the time.
@@francesbernard2445 I started my relationships with telling
anyone who would listen that I have cast iron skillets in different
sizes. The small one is in case they annoy me, the big 14" one matches
the imprint of a car steering wheel to make it look like an accident.
Yes their so unaware of themselves it’s comical. The more they engage the funnier it is
Narcissists that are also psychopaths will attack you
@@abaialsa712 😂
Double “ brownie points “ if they kick you while you’re down !
My sister kicked me when I was down with severe illness. Called me disgusting, isolated me and denied med doctors help. Didn't know she could be that evil. I have wenr in to No contact now. I never want to see her ever again!
@@gryl.4030 I’m so sorry you had to go trough all of this ! It’s the time of needs that we find out who are the people that truly care about us are ! Surrounded yourself with good soles !
Thank you ❤️ That is true words. I wonder how my sisters daughter got her empathy and heart of gold from. Not from her mother!
@@gryl.4030 Happy to hear that you see goodness in people. By the same token there are lots of people out there that will see goodness in you !
Oh I got one! My narc mother visited her sister in the ICU with a heart problem and proceeded to tell her that she was a burden to her children. Sweet huh?
You have reduced me to tears, yeah am hurting so bad today, am an empath, never had boundaries, people pleaser all my life, I have left the relationship as I can't do this anymore, he's such a toxic individual, I listen to you alot, you give me the strength to keep fighting on, am a survivor, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to experience, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Love to you all 💕
I call that the " Mean Nice " cycle. While this is happening, ( for decades), they rarely admit their bad behavior and the gaslighting continues between episodes of mean or nice. I would love to have a forgiving spirit, but I don't want to go back to being a naive doormat either.
I can’t agree with you more!!!! I just found out my mean person has been invited to my son and daughter-in-law’s baby shower in two weeks. Thank goodness for Dr C and his teaching!! This person’s own daughter-in-law called her a heartless b%$@h. Her daughter-in-law is one of the sweetest people I know. How in the world can people be so horrible!?!?!?
@@kingsdaughter1647 Some so-called “sweet” people can put on such a good act in front of others that they deserve to win an Oscar. Those are the kind of people who will help others while they watch you struggle so everyone else will think they are an angel with light shining out of their rear and you end up with others thinking that you are the bad one, especially when trying to expose them.
@@nataliehelmig920 so so true and the character I knew would also put on the angelic "boyfriend" front even causing envy. But then when there was no audience to act for he would sit there ogling other women, 🔼..FFS how twisted
I hear you on that my friend it can be awful but unfortunately that's the way they are
You can forgive to set yourself free but never go back to them. Please remember if we don't forgive how can God forgive us? Forgive but never ever go back. It's just a life lesson.
The reason why the narcissist is the way they are is self image. The narcissist creates a false reality to make those around the narcissist believe they are better than everyone else to protect their shallow egos. To the narcissist they need to be the one's in control because their false reality depends upon the need to be acknowledged by external individuals that makes the narcissist feel important. If you are not with the narcissist the narcissist believes that you are against them thus the narcissist will consider you their enemy. It's an extremely childish behavior but it's the narcissist's coping mechanism to deal with their fragile egos and being able to push around those that won't become a part of their flying monkeys (which gives the narcissist their sense of entitlement / superiority).
Plain and simple, narcissists are damaged goods, mentally speaking. Since NPD is a permanent lifelong mental disorder that has become an integral part of their personality there is little to nothing that modern science and medicine can do for the narcissist.
This is my Narcissist husband the selfish ness is real even down to the way he dress it's ALL about him and what he wants
Yep, they are delusional delinquents!
You know them and their games well .
You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the false reality the narcissist lives in -- that and the accompanying negative, manipulating behavior is my sister to a T!
Very true, very good observations.
I never understood why these maniacs are so mean. I remember someone talking
about how they'd rather be feared than loved. They think that saying mean things
and insults will motivate that victim. It actually chisels away at their self esteem and
soul, and it also garners a hatred that could become dangerous to that mean person.
Because they feed off if ! They are emotional vampires !
My mom who’s a narcissist hit me and insulted me a lot thinking that it would motivate me but she also chiseled away my self esteem. I’ve been believing that everyone who knows me thinks I’m stupid.
@@michaeljameson8496 No you are not ! It brakes my heart to think that you think that you are stupid . We are all perfectly imperfect humans ! Hugs !
It's easier to be feared than loved.
You are so right!
Always Remember IT'S NOT YOU IT'S THEM...Their anger is their problem NOT your's. This has helped me on my path of seeing through mine..As he yells and insults. I repeat that in my head and a lot of times it calms me and I don't even react to him.
Sadly, so familiar. At the age of 59, right after my mother passed, I shut down my narcissist sister and cut up our sister card.
My life has been so good since.
Same here!
This man has gave me a new view of how some people work against you.
Describing a narc as mean is waaaaaaay tooooooo kind!
That's exactly it. I would never be able to treat the narcissist the way they treat me. And I don't. No response when I ask if they would like me to treat them the way they treat me. 🤷 And no empathy.
That’s because we’re decent human beings who could never treat another that way.
One of the best videos on narcissistic people
Everybody deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. If we are faced with mean narcisists it is best to acknowledge who we are dealing with and walk away. Thank you dr Carter.
Trumps everywhere dam dam
Even my Cat recognizes my husband's meanness, Jasper stays his distance.
Reflecting on the competition the Narcissists lives with, he is very jealous of my relationship even with my cat. So sad of a human being .
Bless u Jasper for your unconditional love
Get out as soon as you can...
Wow I thought inwas just imagining things.. we recently got a kitten names Simba and he always runs whenever he sees my partner .. he cuddles next to me but not him .
Our cat is also aware, he is afraid of her and comes to me for safety. How pathetic is that, she can not even get along with a cat !
My narc ex was jealous of my cat. When my cat went missing and he never came back I was heart broken and my ex got angry and frustrated with me that I was making too much of a fuss. Looking back now I think it made his day. They are demons in human form.
Many thanks Les, after 42 yrs of confusion and torture I finally get it. When someone makes a deep emotional bond with a fake persona it's hard to except the reality of being used by a very sick covert Narcissist. I'm a people pleaser who can't say no, and was easy supply. Your videos have helped me understand the mind of someone with no awareness of the feelings of others. Thank you very much for your help.
It’s like being in the twilight zone when you come to terms with the realization they never cared about you at all. 40 yrs gone!
It took me some time spent on the rumination of that fact. It’s hard to swallow. Time to recover and revalue your self. You deserve all the dignity, respect, and civility you were born to have Charles. God hold your fragile heart in his hands, while you regain the strength to propetuate the happiness you also deserve.
@@melianelson9036 I feel so sorry that you were used for so long. It can happen to anyone. If you had some happy moments it was not all wasted. Good, decent people are taken advantage of so much. You were just fooled by a broken person trying to survive in a world that they are afraid of. You are free now. Good luck.🌈♥️🎶💐
@@leanne123 that is a good way to describe it. I agree it is so hardwired in them. But for me, the meanness was like a switch she could turn off/on at will. As an 8 year old I was without guile, innocent, and wanting to love and be loved. What kind of monster victimizes that? There was no escape. I had 9 more years to go, and I made it. I left.
26 years for me and though I get it now I am still here. I am past denial so I think Ive moved on to pretending, pretending this type of nothing matters life is acceptable. And thats how it becomes, nothing can matter, he makes sure of that. On those "nice" days I think I pretend that all the "other" days dont exist. I still can be completely shocked at how evil and mean he can be and I hate myself for still being here
@@christinelaurins551 look, don't hate yourself, that's his doing. Like that one comment said, they are the ones who are afraid. You'll figure out what to do (and when you do, know that Les's comment section will cheer you on! Keep us posted, Christine! ((Hugs))
I think they are mean because they can't break their trance and connect. So they power-trip instead. Sad life.
From my experience, they don’t want to connect with you, they want to have control over you. As long as they have that they are not “ sad “ by any stretch of imagination !
@@matilda1505 That obsessive need for control is an expression of their trance. Narcissists don't know a better way of thinking, relating, and living. They know right from wrong. They know they hurt people. They see the pain of others as a victory. They only care about others as long as they can manipulate, harm, and use them. They just love to be evil. Narcissists do not know true sadness. They only relate to their own suffering. A narc's unhappiness goes back strictly to their inner pain, and their distress is always hand-in-hand with their rage.
@@dianefarley37 Entranced and fascinated by the power of their evil. The devil has got ‘em.
@@dianefarley37 Great perception and intuition. Great post. You nailed it.
A “trance” is an excellent way to describe it. My narc husband walks around with a blank look on his face, like Mr. Spock from Star Trek. He never smiles or laughs at home. Just a blank, apathetic look. When he is out in public, though, smiles and laughs abound.
The weirdest thing a narcissist will do is accuse the person being abused to be a narcissist. That is a real strange situation!
Yup how my mom treats my dad
@@ryanvtec3885 Yep that is the most manipulative trick to attack the person being bullied with false accusations. Rather then cooperation and kindness they like to instigate confrontation while blaming others for their own behavior. This is an epidemic in the U.S. many are encouraged to behave this way and not care about how they affect other people. Avoid those people because they are toxic and exhausting to be around.
They can make you physically sick. Thank you, Dr. C. I still have my DRC mug!
Glad you have the mug! Dr. C
Yes, I believe that! They get you so extremely stressed out and your anxiety so high that you become physically sick. They're that toxic.
@@cecemajors6143 Agree 100%!
I did get sick. I had so many symptoms of stress.
@@hikerhobby1204 I never believed it until I actually got sick for 14 days with a headache, stomachache, lack of appetite and no energy. I thought it was covid until I went to go get tested and the test came back negative. I took two of them to be sure. Both were negative. The doctor told me that maybe it was a common virus...? But the more I came around this bastard, the worse I got. Both limbs were hurting and I would get this wave of pain shoot through both my arms and legs.
When my husband finally left for deployment, is when I finally started to heal and I got most of my health recovered. He is just a barrel of toxicity.
This female narc told me once she was made a manager and thus was responsible for firing people...I said o gee I would hate that...to let someone down like...
She answered I loved every minute of that!!
Mean u say o hell yes
Yes, they don't know they're narcissists, they're not introspective enough to know. They think they're wonderful people, and you're not.
Char don't make excuses they know .
💯
My dear, they 'choose' to derive pleasure by hurting their targets...they enjoy it - they know they are evil...their manipulation is very very deliberate..the name-calling, verbal & emotional abuse to destroy the target's self-worth, the backbiting and smearing the target's name...in order to isolate them...to dominate & play ugly power games..they know what they are doing. May the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob severely punish all such evil persons and administer them an unbearable taste/dose of their own medicine.
And may the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob encircle and protect and deliver with His divine intervention...all those that need deliverance from these cowards, abusers. Amen.
Looking back on it it amazes me how many of them were so cruel, raging at me for no reason all the while telling me and acting like I was the devil. I was very sick and very quiet while they went on with their antics yet according to them I was soooo bad. Huh?!
@Mary Carroll exactly! I was just thinking BS they aren't oblivious
I know several narcissistic people, who think they are only being honest, when they actually insult and hurt people all the time It is like they once and for all dicided, that their opinion is the only truth that counts and that they have a right to express it unfiltered all the time, regardless of what others might feel.
They don't think they are being honest. They know they are being insulting, demanding, rude, controlling, manipulative, and obnoxious. They just use that whole I'm just saying or doing what I feel is best for you as a cover up. They know they don't mean well. They just want to keep you under their thumb as their supply.
@@ladennayoung2939 Thank You!
@@ladennayoung2939 Yes! The “I’m just saying” was always the go to quip from my ex. when I would call her out.
Occasionally when no one asked.
everyTime I listen to one of your videos, I feel like you are talking Directly to Me. I didn’t have a name for what to call the person I lived with for seven years. I named him “ The Supreme Over Lord “.
I thought he was a Sociopath. But now I know he is a Narcissist. I was living in a military compound because he put up an eight foot fence to keep the deer out of the yard.
He’s also the Only person who Ever called me a Dumb Ass. I have a degree in chemistry and have a hobby of designing purses and bags.
I used to celebrate the anniversary of the day I moved out his house.
Anyone who finds themselves involved with a narcissist, Run Away From Them As Fast As You Can and Remember to Never Look Back because they will always be the person who fooled you into getting involved with them in the first place.
Move along and find new opportunities to share your Joy of living with others.
Jo La,You are beautiful 🌷,you don’t deserve such person in your life
Hey Jola.
I was commenting on when I come across you and all what you just said in your comments is great and amazing, I will like us to been a friend's, is that's okay with you..??
Someone called my narc mom a demon. She smiled, laughed and loved it. She surrounds herself with actually nice and forgiving people so she can pull her crap and everyone forgives her. Of course that makes her worse for me to deal with because she wouldn't do anything mean to her public audience/enablers.
Amen🐒
Because they are her flying monkeys
Don’t give in to it ‘ My mother was the same , but I would politely tell her .. I see the real You mother !!
My mother was not very aware. Her own mother told her all the time how stupid she was. I didn’t learn that fact until I was taking care of her the last 10 years of her life. She lived to be 101. Several aspects helped me to forgive her and process my emotions of being emotionally neglected, never encouraged, no affection. Yada Yada. I still feel cheated at times, yet I consider the source of her own low esteem. I motivated myself to accomplish quite a bit, so they say, but to me I never had the confidence to achieve “ my best.” My kids are great, and that is satisfying to me. Some of us have to be pioneers to build the future. I’m ok with that at 70.
I heard a demon laughing come out of his mouth while he slept one night.
My possible narc was in the air force. "I'm the one with a career" "I don't know why your smiling you work at dominos" being called garbage, broken, trash. Good times. I'm glad she's out of my life but the damage is done
Not possible. Definitely so. Mine was in the military. I’m a single mom and took time off after I had my son and when looking for work I wanted something in my field so I refused to take a job lower than my experience level as I new what I deserved and in time I would find what’s for me. He would always call me a bum and tell me I needed to get a life because he has a career and I’m not working instead of being supportive and reminding me I shouldn’t settle and to keep looking and he’ll be here no matter what. Now I’m much better, doing way better than him financially and I’m super happy I decided to just ghost him as I couldn’t take the disrespect anymore and he seen no problem w they way I was treated. If you don’t love me at my worst you definitely can’t be w me at the highest point in my life
Wow. My narc says I'm nobody because I don't own any property. I asked if it ever occurred to him I may not want to own any property other than a vehicle?
The worst part was the ‘sarcasm’ and ‘jokes’ that were so hurtful but you’re made to feel too sensitive for speaking up and telling them you don’t like it. It’s so cowardly and really breaks you down and steals your confidence over time.
He tells me horrible things. Like why would he apologize for being him. He likes who he is an “asshole” . Tells me the worst things that hurts me to the core. Mad because he got caught cheating and now it’s my fault. I’m in therapy I’m having nightmares. I feel he has taken eveything from me emotionally and mentally
The narcisistic person I dealt with had very subtle way of digging the meaness knife into me.
If you pay attention the violent behavior runs in cycles..after they blow up there is a period of remorse and regret that lasts until the next violent episode....this period of sweetness is what hooks you in..you hope they have seen the light and will change....it is deceptive and will never happen... as time goes on the blow up become more violent..the only rational thing to stop the event is to walk away and never look back
Power and Control Wheel absolutely applies. They get mean. They are not always mean, that's how we fall for them. Fall, downhill all the way. It never gets better, only worse. We deny the mean streak for YEARS, we are complacent, fear leaving...it takes great strength to leave them. We leave shattered, losing so much. They continue on and never change. If we don't change we will never know peace and happiness.
Christine p: yes I put in the link, I usually share about that video but somehow gets erased 🤔
There are approx ~ 4 to 5 of those video each explaining the "power & control" of these toxic ones
The fear in leaving mine is : he is nice to everyone else. Would I have any friends or family support me?
@@choosepeacetoday A true friend will believe and support you. And find a good therapist to help you stay grounded and strong. Staying in a relationship with them will slowly eviscerate you-you will become an empty shell.
@@madeittothepromisedland...7670 True. One of them has left, probably because I maintained my boundaries. Working on the last remaining one in the house. Thank you. I am looking forward to the promised land too. Thank you for the reminder about true friends.
My relative who is a narcissist is so mean to anyone she views as "beneath her". She justified her awful behavior and attitude by saying she is justified because she had such a terrible childhood! So she doesn't have to account to anyone about her behavior! I never saw her ever apologize to anyone for anything.
Yes, just try to get away from them. If you try to point out that they're mean, they'll say they were just joking and you're just being overly sensitive. A lot of their mean behavior is disguised as just joking around.
It’s also been my experience that they’re not generous with their money at all.
My ex was a narcissist and I found it literally impossible to talk to him. My mom was also a narcissist and same -- there is just no talking with these people. You can never get through. It's utterly frustrating and you get nowhere with them.
They label others mean because it's the only way of thinking they understand. They are incapable of understanding selflessness and goodness, and they live in a world where they think everybody is as mean as them. It gives me perspective to appreciate the simple joy of being able to perceive true goodness and have peace of mind.
They just project their insecurities outward to feel like saints, bloody evil shits.
Their mean words are enhanced behind alcohol. Indifference and gray rocking have made a difference. Refusing to argue has truly been a blessing.
Narcissism and alcoholism are not a good combination. Dr. C
The cruelty is shocking This is the worst making you cry than laughing at you . It’s childish. They don’t like it when you say something normal not meant to hurt them they fly off the handle and attack you.
Such fragile egos!
Yes, they manipulate dominate and exploit as further ways to exercise their immense meanness. Hard line attitude clothed in smooth, pushed charm.
"mean individuals have no business in your inner circle"
Yep. Saved a relatives life, and weeks later proof! I am the enemy just out of the blue.
It has helped me to think about my narc as an addict. I think they are addicted to rage and control! it has helped me to recognize my own enabling and codependency in the relationship. Their behavior is a reflection of their illness, not anything I am or am not doing. I can't fix them and I'm not even helping, they gotta find their own rock bottom and I don't want to be down there with them!!
Indeed. An addict in denial, scheming for their next fix.
I am afraid that I am becoming mean after all the years of dealing with the narcissists in my life. Being kind only makes me weaker in their eyes and a target.
True. If you can go no contact. It gives you the space it sound you need
If they go far enough, you WILL change, but you will not be mean like them
You need to do whatever you can to not let that happen. Do not lose your kindness. It is a beautiful gift! Get away from them if you must, but do not let them rob you of your sweet soul!!
Sadly its an unavoidable occurrence. Can’t much be helped. We can only try to do damage control and change ourself once we’ve extricated from the relationship.
I’m simply dropping out of society. I’m lucky to live in the country far removed from people.
Because theyre demonspawns who work to transmute your beautiful energy onto themselves and view your destruction as a casualty of their war with life!
@Morenita Scorp. Wow. You really can describe them.
along those lines ... dark scorpion 🦂
That's spot on.
The one thing is we have double minds until we get a single upward mind the devil wants to use the energy and light of God in all he can to feed .
I recently questioned when the narcissist verbally love bombed me - suddenly showing interest in me for the first time in months. My questioning them started a battle with no end in sight.
You are absolutely right, because I have experienced this more than once. One thing I learned, actually 2 things. Number 1, STOP hating yourself, Number 2, look at the situation, and get real, be honest about it, and try to correct the person, if not, adios.
Mean? Evil, calculating, nasty, demeaning, manipulating, moody. And they love it. My question is why are they like this? So many narcs all with the same traits. Is it a missing part of their brain, abuse, trauma? There must be an answer because so many of them exist and they're all alike.
Dr Carter. You just explained 38 years of mental abuse I had no idea existed in 12 minutes that completely depicts my MOTHER. Imagine being the child of a Narcissistic person. She has turned my life upside down.
"Seek first to understand rather than being understood" is inverse to the world of the narcissist. It's a huge basis of how they live their life.
I had a narcissistic supervisor and when I was diagnosed with breast cancer she pretended to be supportive just so I would share more information about my diagnosis and treatment. When I went back to work after having had three major surgeries and 30 rounds of radiation treatment I was still not feeling well. She was so mean that she assigned me on a case requiring for me to work 60 hour weeks when there were other cases that required a 40 hour a week schedule. I really do not know how I made it through those harrowing weeks and months. I am so glad that this malignant narcissist was forced to retire last year during the pandemic because her job was made redundant. I hope that she receives the karma that she deserves.
Antoinette...may God continue to bless you. Im so sorry for all that you endured.. I have 2 things to say about karma. Karma is Satan's sister and KARMA is a patient gangsta. All in due time my friend. 🥰
I have come to the conclusion that they are already suffering Karma when they are abusing you. They are miserable and they will never be happy.
I hope you are feeling better.
Karma is a bitch and they will receive it!
It happens more than we know. You didn't deserve that. God will hold her accountable. Best wishes.
They attack and blindside you!!!
My dad is a narcissist, and he's a major bully. He always feels the need to insert his way into my daily activities, as if I am not allowed to do things alone, but worst, he's a compulsive liar, he is dishonest with anyone and everyone, so he breaks promises with me and others, I want to leave him for good, and I hope I get my chance, the first opportunity I get.
❤
Omg Dr C… everything is absolutely true what you said. Insulting you, then saying “you took it the wrong way“, being on the receiving end of their rage, not even knowing what the hell they’re even mad about. But they let you know for certain, YOU’RE the reason they’re angry..this, after saying the nastiest things to you. The list goes on and on…. I’m so over it, and glad I’m out of it. Thanks Dr C for what you do.♥️
One of the biggest "mind f's" for me (many years back, as a very young adult) was that in public and in front of her friends, MIL was sickeningly sweet to me. Behind closed doors, totally different. Made me think *I* was the bad one, and that all of her friends and family members thought so too. They were witnessing her being SO NICE to me, how on earth could I have any kind of problem with her, or that she could possibly be mistreating me?? I saw through her, but no one would believe me. Glad she hasn't been (physically) a part of my life for the last 3 plus decades!
Exactly.
I absolutely understand this situation. Unfortunately, been there, done that...
I dealing with same behaviour, absolute evil monster, brother plan ahead get out, I'm almost out of my toxic sick relationship, it's making sick typing this. Get out asap.
I totally relate to your msg..you really get to see a person's true colours when you live with them and people don't know what's really going on on the homefront..they only see the good side of the narcissist..then they think there's something wrong with you when you tell them. And when noone believes you, you have no support..so dealing with it on your own is sheer hell.
@@sharenwatson7352 I agree
My mother is one thank for sharing.
Being honest, this is the first time that I have cried listening to one of these videos. My husband (and I use this term lightly), is one of the most most evil human beings. Bringing up mistakes that I made 30 years ago, screaming, screaming at me for any suggestions I make especially if it will cost money. I lost my job because of him and now it’s “his” money only. I have to pay him back for anything I buy including groceries. It’s Christmas and I have to pay for the gifts that I’m buying for my sons. Yes I need to leave, but it’s hard to find an apartment without pay stubs. I’ve even had to hide in my closet at times to stop his verbal abuse. Oh well, thank you for letting me vent. 😢
Even if it takes time to be able to afford it, I hope you keep your eye on the goal...being true to who you are!
I believe because some of them were overlooked and treated badly in childhood. I know my soon to be ex was. However, that's not my problem. I refuse to live my life being his punching bag.
Many are covertly mean (as it suits their agenda). Such an articulate discussion. Thank you. So helpful. And they think it's their job to insult you when no one is looking.
Yes. They are.
Yes. Outwardly my covertly narcissistic Dad could say all the right things. And it seems he did know right from wrong, kind from mean. But in passive aggressive, manipulative ways, he could do truly mean things to his closest family and friends. Looking back it was a form of gaslighting. And I can forgive myself now for taking so long to see what he was doing.
The meaness is lack of empathy. They know they don't feel the love that others feel and they are jealous. They have to make others miserable to make themselves feel anything. People only have a use for them.
Dr. C! I needed this I am going through this now. I didn’t understand I was letting these people into my life. Now I know the red flags!they tell me who they are and I keep drinking gather punch.
1. Gossip about others. Talking bad about exes, talking badly about friends, they have no fault in any dissolution of relationships.
2. Drama. Their ill ways Drama. They argue and fight through no fault of their own.
3.insecure. They have to make sure your perspective of them is always good.
4. Love bombing. They will do anything for you until you disappoint them.
5. They pretend to be perfect and if you draw a boundary they feel less than perfect they cut you out of their life.
Be strong know who you are because when you know who you are they will crumble, they hate happiness and independence and the ability to love because they have no idea how to love.
Today I feel better listening to you! PEACE
If you met my ex narc, you'd think that she was a really nice stable person but if you called her out on a lie, you'd see the real her. I didn't see just how mean she could be until she found the new supply. The cruelty she's capable of blew me away. I once, once brought up the possibility that our son was disabled because of her heavy smoking while she was pregnant with him. She exploded and tried to turn it around on me. Some of her family have seen her for what she is but others continue to act as her enablers. Don't fall for a narc if you can help it.
Same. I tell everyone who has yet to meet him- “You’re going to love him. He is literally a ‘great guy.’ He will make sure you don’t see the person he is when he’s around me.”
I learned long time ago not to expect people to call my partner on his behaviour. People don’t want to get involved.
@@matilda1505 yup there’s that also
I feel like Rodney Dangerfield's phrase "I get no respect"(paraphrased) from the narcissist!
Why are narcissist people mean that's a good question.
Mean and vicious, therefore you cannot trust them.
Thank you for your work Dr. Carter.
It took me a while to realize that the nastiness is a reflection of the deep seated fears and insecurities. Why do they act out whenever they fear they are not in control? It's possibly part Machiavellian. Niccolo Machiavelli in his work "The Prince" spoke about using fear. Narcs figure that they can get others to comply by using fear.
That’s spot on.. ClusterB in DSM5 Machiavellian sadists, Egotistic even addicts to self..creepy coverts too as self aware’ as Abusers -
Unfortunately there are many of these "creatures" around. I've had contact with them throughout my life - these episodes were not pretty. However, I've become quite adept at recognizing their "deficiencies". As soon as I become cognizant of their true motives I disengage - as soon as possible. You can't change these individuals but you can be the
master of your own destiny and protect yourself. Don't waste your time on these people who really only care about themselves. Develop relationships with human beings who share your outlooks on life, are worthy of your time and attention and return your empathy and love.
So true
That's it in a nutshell. And you don't even have to bother letting them know why. It can only lead to trouble.
I feel like I have been around these things all my life. Starting with my mother - and ending with ex husband - and a number of former friends. They are just awful. No contact with them all.
@@bronwyntanner4501 Yay, you're awake now. Once you see it, you can't un-see it.
@@bronwyntanner4501 Same here. My mother precipitated so much bullshit, abuse and grief to me. Following that several relationships, a broken engagement, and then a horrendously ridiculous marriage. I would rather spend the rest of my days alone, like a recluse, than to ever have to go through any of that shit again. There's a huge difference between "being alone" and "being lonely".
It is so creepy to me when I see and notice the behaviors that I learn about here. Mostly It makes me realize I really am on Team Healthy!
We will never know. These devils don’t won’t and never will get real