What Narcissists Dislike More Than Anything
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 ก.ย. 2024
- Narcissists are posers who work hard to convey they are a step above you. They feel satisfied (smug) when it appears others are impressed by their public persona. Recognizing this, Dr. Les Carter identifies the one thing they dislike more than anything once you reveal you see their game of pretense.
If you are interested in online therapy, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. Go to our sponsor betterhelp.com... for 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help.
If you have any questions about the brand relating to how the therapists are licensed, their privacy policy, or therapist compensation model, check out this FAQ: www.betterhelp...
📣 Dr. Carter's new course, Anger Games, is now available! 📣
Learn more about the course and register at: courses.surviv...
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his TH-cam channel, his videos have received more than 120 million views.
Join the Team Healthy community HERE: survivingnarci...
Check out videos, articles, quizzes, and more at our website: survivingnarci...
You can follow Surviving Narcissism on:
Twitter: @SNarcissism101
Instagram: @survivingnarcissism101
Facebook: @survivingnarcissism101
Dr. Carter has three other courses that you may find to be useful:
Free to Be: Reclaim & rediscover your uniqueness survivingnarci...
This Is Me: Setting boundaries with the controllers in your life survivingnarci...
Ready, Set, Connect: Strengthen relationship skills; live authentically survivingnarci...
Dr. Carter's personal website: drlescarter.com/
Dr. Carter's other TH-cam channel: / drlescarter
Bookstore: survivingnarci...
They dislike YOUR Happiness
@@sirtedricwalker2979 Yes. YOUR misery is THEIR pleasure.
Yep, if they see you with a skip in your step... they attack to knock you down to their lowly level
Wrong. They hate your happiness. Dislike is way too soft a term.
This is the biggest tell for me. When your own happiness is threatening to someone, get as much distance from them as you can.
@@sirtedricwalker2979 So true. YOUR pain is THEIR pleasure.
They dislike YOUR confidence, AND N̈OT being able to brin̈g YOU down a peg or ten!!!
@@AS-zq5cs Of course!
Narcissist's ultimate goal is to bring other people down. Anything nice the narcissist does for other people is bait.
@@rwdchannel2901 Indeed!
@@rwdchannel2901 it's phony with their mask on. I give them the grey rock treatment.
They dislike it when you grow and become stronger within yourself and start to challenge them.
no wonder I was hated at young age
@@neilmcdougall4927 Same.
As a kid, we are constantly told that lying is bad, yet certain adults do it constantly. I started calling them out and it did not make me popular with those certain adults (parents and few teachers), to say the least.
@@neilmcdougall4927 First lesson I was taught as a child: self-loathing.
They dislike EVERY THING. Miserable people.
Wet blankets! What cruelty can we do today. Mean sh_t is all planned it. They must get tired from all that projecting
With the exception of free food & lodging someone else paid for.
And that’s not even an overstatement
Absolutely 💯
Ignoring them drives them nuts..no supply or manipulation or control...
Right?!
I ignored my narcissist's father insults. It was interesting to watch his behavior. At first, he doubled down on his insults to get a reaction out of me, then he ghosted me in an attempt to get me under his control. I used his ghosting to go no contact with him.
They'll try to push you around...whatever they feel like doing
My ex just demanded that I use more “please and thank you” in my texts with her.
Good grief.
Talk about control.
@JDog-tn8we yeah, that was a good thing about my bros dad. I have manners, I just thought getting hit in the head for putting my elbows on the table was a bit much. I used to think, "tell me once, maybe 2, 3 times at most and I'll stop."
They dislike themselves, a healthy person is just being a mirror for their dysfunctions.
That’s exactly what’s at the root of their issues….themselves, or more precisely, a lack of self. Latching on to other people’s lives, with the intention to manipulate and control, is a way to avoid “driving the bus” of their own life. That would require them to assume adult ownership over themselves, their actions and behaviour. Not going to happen, as long as they have people in their life that they can dump on…..
@@carmenm.9522exactly .. who would destroy good situations and be proud .. a sick narc 🤡
Narcissists detest being told or even suggesting they are not better than others.
Or what to do....
Yet they show how big of losers they are.
Think they are never wrong. And that they are better than others
@lindafrabizio2910 ikr? I told one if I had to choose between you or a maggot living, that maggot will live. At least maggots do something for the world, they eat $###. You're just a pos that does nothing but cause havoc and chaos everywhere you go. That's why you are less than worthless. I hate when I do that too. It is contagious. After being called names so many times, I end up doing the exact same thing to them. I told my ex, you see, now I'm calling you names. That isn't right. You're not supposed to do that to someone you say you love. But why is it so hard to stay away?
You feel like you're in some kind of competition. Pests!
They dislike your autonomy and independence.
“Some people will judge you for changing, others will celebrate you for growing. Choose your circle carefully.”
-Lewis Howes
That's a good one🌻 Thank you 😊
Basically they are hypocrites.
Ummm, That's an understatement!!
@@elizabethbowie9753Are you a narcissist?
I have never yet met a narcissist who was not a hypocrite. It is one of the first things I look for when I meet new people - I look for hypocrisy and that tells me when I find it to back away - they are not good people.
Narcissists dislike themselves the most!
Looks like we agree on this one Fred .
They should!
I believe this is true. In order to bear my narcissist, I had to remind myself that she didn’t choose to be this way-boundaries are life savers! 🛟
@Psychology-et-healing I don’t agree. Many studies show that narcissists become that way due to trauma in early childhood. Also, we don’t all feel it’s appropriate to abandon family members.
@Psychology-et-healing I agree with you; plus I think the evidence is that on a conscious level, they really love and overvalue themselves and think they’re awesome.
They dislike you being sick or tired
Questioning them or exposing them.
White hot!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Indeed!
They don't answer questions . They don't have to ...just ask them 😂😂
🎯
@@SurvivingNarcissism white person 2:25
My narc mum is 84. I am 63. There is so much we cannot talk about...there is nothing left to say at all.
I'm sure you've spent you're whole life trying....if you can rid your own self of the anger.....that is the victory and the best you can do. My mom started the silent treatment AGAIN a few weeks ago and I took the opportunity to let it all go. I will not feel guilty or obligated. Ive forgiven her and I'm not angry. But I'm letting her go and working on me. Heart goes out to you ❤️👊
They stay the same or get worse with age.
I’ve never heard a narc say,”I’m sorry”
@@Earthether ... that's because they aren't sorry EVER !
They get Worse...@@williamdillard8330
When you think They Don’t Matter. Them being insignificant to your eyes hurts them to the core.
That was the turning point. Exactly.
That is one of the things that they dislike!
This really resonates with me!
Sew Diva ....They couldn't care less what you think , their hurt was long ago & buried deep so no one can hurt them again . They take the role of being the one that does the hurting for protection of that very fragile ego . Pretty sick way to cope with life in my opinion 🤷
@@texaspatty458 I agree with you 💯
Narcissists refuse to acknowledge that their behaviors drive people away from them. That’s 1 factor why they don’t find love.
My ex husband absolutely hated it when I started refusing to engage in his “circular” arguments that went nowhere.
The greatest showdown I had with the ex was years after we had divorced. In a private environment, while remaining calm and confident, I proceeded to enlighten him on his defects. Lol, for the first time I was granted such an adolescent display of emotion from him, where he couldn't get the words out to defend himself, turning red and stuttering. I smiled, as I stood my ground, for the first time. Since that day, miles and years away, I've received word that his alcoholism, adultery, gambling, and overall garbage behavior continues. Karma, for the smear campaign that costs us our family.
A sad fact, they cannot change. Only their tactics chang overtime.
No conversation ever ends well. Sad reality😢
Oh yep 🎯
As you grow more aware, and previous tactics no longer work, they get angry at you "bc you cannot forgive & live in the past "
(Translation: the tactics of the past no longer function, as you remember how that specific form of abuse worked...) They get angry at you for it ... of course ... They do not understand they need to change their ways to be forgiven...
They think of new tactics. Then they'll play dumb...like they wouldn't hurt a fly
@@shar240 Like Norman Bates at the end of Psycho!
They dislike the fact that you grew up & went on with your life & they didn’t. They’re stuck back in a time period where they cannot lift themselves out of. Time goes by , they make very poor decisions & blame everyone around them for their disastrous outcome.
Truth.
They expect you to be the way you "were" before you GREW. Your growth is a huge problem in their eyes.
💯 on no responsibility for bad decisions 😢
They like to embarrass their long been an adult in public settings because they need attention and validation from strangers. At first, one doesn’t see the manipulation but it can destroy their child by creating a host of disorders an adult child may never recognize. It creates a lot of anger and resentment in the family.
They loathe themselves
They should, but why don't they know the best fix is to change yourself. I hate the competition with everything. I tell then the only one I'm trying to be better than is the me yesterday.
@@RobSlopezJr they always have to prove their better than you. It's so annoying because I don't want to compete with them.
Can you blame them?
@@TripleR-kb6uc 😆 🤣 😂 😹
They dislike your freedom.
I don't want him to change, i just want him to go.
Oh yes you do.
🤔Who,trump?
Thoughts and prayers from germany 🙏 😇
I really need for mine to leave. His Making me ill.
"I'm too old to change" -my mother
And stupid lol
I heard that
My mom too!!
Knowing you know what they are and will always be.
It's sad that they have to be this way, but not so sad that we should have to sacrifice our own happiness to keep them supplied.
They can’t stand when they lose control. Rage comes next.
Change? Me? Humiliate me, call me a loser, ask me to have humility, give up my victim's benefits, admit anything, what about you? They did it. Not me. You want me to give up control. Who are you to shame me? No surrender. No way. Never. Insidious.
Serving up their phony baloney. No admission, no growth, no freedom. Sad. Team Healthy looks to the better alternatives. I choose to mature in truth.
@@nancytwigg4631 Victim's benefits 😂
Tellement con 😂🤣😂
@nancytwigg4631 funny thing is they don't realize I grew up dealing with this from my bros dad. And I am so glad I tried my hardest to be nothing like him. That's why when my ex, who turned out to be one, trying to make me feel like I was my stepdad, I really didn't know what to do. I guess it was because my dad had just died and I just wanted to do like him. Have a family and be like him. But she was just using me. The love bombing thing caught me off guard and because I just ignored a lot of it as silly, I didn't see what they were actually doing. My stepdad never did that with us. He was pretty devoid of love at all. He was nice when we were like him, drinking and gambling (even though we were young children. Still in grammar school.) The one trait I picked up was my temper. I always hated that about myself. That was when I finally looked up ways to deal with my anger and I found Dr. C. HE IS SO AWESOME!!! I thank you for saving my life and saving others from my anger. I even questioned if I was a narcissist, but when I saw those traits starting to be in me, I kept telling myself, this is not normal. And thankfully logic kept me from having those traits stick permanently. But there was even one time my uncle just asked if I could get him a plate from the cupboard, because I was closer and he has a bad ankle. For some reason I got mad and told him no and I made him get his own. I apologized to him later and told him I don't even know what was wrong with me then. Thinking back, it was like I wasn't in control and how stupid of me. Especially, since I was in his house, eating his food, and my uncle has never done anything but treat me like a son. I was with my narc ex at the time, though. Not that I can even blame her for my actions, but it was weird.
@RobSlopezJr Dr. C. saves lives, strengthens spirits, and stabilizes survivors. I am so grateful for his generous teachings, too. Stay well. Go, Go Team Healthy.!
The strange thing is that the narcissist was constantly criticizing ME for not changing.
@@rosieE121 everything's inverted. Just like the devil. He inverts everything of God.
@@sandrathomas2893that is meant to confuse us about knowing right from wrong.
Yep. And when you change for them in a good way….they keep accusing you of not changing (gaslighting) it is crazy making.
@@JoyTracie-vm1qs damned if you do and damned if you don't! Just when you get the "rules" down the game changes lol
Scripture accurately describes it as witchcraft!
Narcissists have reversed self-acceptance. They can only "accept" lies and fantasies about themselves. And constantly project the truth about themselves onto others. This looks like they reflexively turn the truth around, as if it's personal.
Narcissistic reversal is fairly subversive, so it is wise to take nature walks and spend time looking at beautiful things. 😊 Talking to an honestly kind person also feeds the soul.
They hate once someone says something nice about you in front of them. You can see how " small " they feel and soon after , they will say something nasty about you just to put you down.
That they don't know how to love.
They only know the cleverly use of word salad!
🏆 sad, but true.
exactly. god forbid to have children under fakeness.
When I tried to bring up my concerns as gently as possible, my ex would blow up at me and say "the problem is YOU; you this and you that...". There was no way of a conversation, just attack and defence. I'm bad at speaking up for myself so I ended up losing...I got so tired of saying sorry for things that were no my fault. Constant mind games and lies made me sick. I felt I lost faith in mankind being with him.
Believe in womankind 😉
You is one off there favourite words to use it's constant and I got sick of it
deport the jerk
On more than one occasion while trying to have a serious conversation with him, he would stop me mid way and say, " hey, I am the man, you're the woman, and I'm in control of this".
This man is 56 and has zero self awareness, walking around with his head hella high with a deck of victim cards in his back pocket, waiting to deal you with them.
All that I can say is run and run quickly, they cannot and will not change. Change requires self awareness of which they lack. It is a very sad reality.
That's so misogynistic.
@@Unbreakablechic deck of victim cards 🤣😂
@@sandrathomas2893 lol
Yup!
My husband decided we should do marriage counseling. I'd tried for 5 years to get him to go. When I gave up, it suddenly became a good plan.
First question the counselor asked was: What do you see as the problems in the marriage?
Husband: I don't have any problems, they're all hers.
Counselor's jaw physically dropped. He then asked me. My response was that his answer is one of the problems. If all the problems are mine, I can fix all my problems by divorcing him.
Several sessions later, he was told if he didn't change I'd leave him. Counselor was right. I solved all my problems by divorcing him. Oh, there were other problems but they actually were mine to deal with.
@@demondogmom7221 This happens to me with my EX husband. He earned that title!!!
Narcissists are not exactly the poster child for self awareness!
@SurvivingNarcissism - and mine definitely lacked that and so much more. My life has been so amazing and in some ways he contributed to it. If he hadn't been so awful, I may have settled for a life of mildly miserable. Instead, I got out of it at 28 and have gone on to be happy.
@demondogmom7221 This happened with my divorce!
Congratulations, I know the feeling
Their playbook never changes. He stated that people keep telling him that something is wrong with him. He asked me and I said " You know exactly what you are doing and why". He didn't respond. He is fine with how he lives his life 😢. Causing destruction as he moves through life. The extraction process can be lengthy. It is not impossible. While moving through this, disconnect emotionally, create a plan and live life. Moving through this😢.
Once you know, if you can you go
Anything, Anyone that does not play the exact, and I mean exact - same script that is their inner dialogue! Their motto? "If it doesn't align with ME, I don't wanna see!" Flip the script! Seek Healthy! Stay Healthy!
@BaraSchmidt Yes. They are all about ME, MYSELF, and YOURS TRULY!!!
Truth, honesty, boundaries, being a person of their word, personal accountability. 😉
They will never admit to change. It is so sad especially if you are the one constantly dealing with it. 😢
After years of listening to my mother go on and on talking trash about one boyfriend after another, I asked her, “Why are you with him if he’s so awful?” She is shocked and replies that she loves him. So I ask, “What do you love about him?” She was practically rendered speechless. In fact I believe she changed the subject.
😂😂😂 they have no idea what love is. To them being in a relationship gives them endless supply, that's why they get into them.
"To confront a person with his own shadow is to show him his own light". -Dr. Carl Jung
He's so good.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Agreed 👍. What I've learned from Jung's work is that whatever irritates us about others is that which we have not recognized and accepted in our own selves. Whenever I become irritated by the narcissistic behaviors of others, I pause and reflect upon that "Jungian perspective"...
Does it make you recognise your own narcissistic tendencies?
@@adohrmartin Yes.
@@MasoudJohnAzizi Jung ripped that off from one greater than him:
"Judge not lest you be judged."
6:41 That is a great observation 👍💯. Fear of "losing social admiration" = Fear of "shame" = That which is an underlying psychological driver of narcissism.
@ 8:10 ' they've suspended their commitment to honesty.' - That's a Keeper Dr. C!
I like how radical acceptance is explained that they can change but won't
Trying to discuss our family's continuing dysfunctional communication styles was the issue that "broke the camel's back" for my tolerance. No contact followed soon afterward.
Same here...no contact!
Narcissist's dislike your boundaries and your success . But most of all they dislike them selves and protect it on to you.
It's truly sad, a life and soul lost.
They always want to be a winner but keep playing the victim. This is creepy behavior. 😨
Not sure! Not getting enough adoration probably.
Absolutely. Not being adored is devastating to them!!!
@@amandaliverpool3374 ❤
When they actually realize that an amount of change is in their benefit, /in order to polish their image/ they actually fake it perfectly in front of others.
The last time I confronted my father(after years of no contact) I told him I was 40 years-old and he needed to stop trying to control my life. He said to me 'Don't speak to me like that.' He didn't like hearing that because I was basically saying to him 'You need to change.' He's now 88 years-old and will never change. I've now learned to not tell people who are over 30 years-old they need to change because it's pointless in most cases.
I love how comfortable that dog is on the couch on almost every video ! He looks like he has such a nice life .
Exposure publicly & privately your rejection
As I was told, "you make me sound like such an a-hole."
When all I said was there are ways he talks about people and to me that I wish he would be more mindful of.
You should have told him: You're doing a good job of that all by yourself.
I used to think "its not all about you", then it would all become about him because of his health. Even as i prepared to leave after filing for divorce 8 months eariler, he claimed to be sooooooo sick, but not sick enough to miss a party, i finally got out. He used illness to feign neediness. I fell for it every time, until i didn't.
Each time I would say to my ex-narc "We need to talk about [Dr. C's verbiage]" it would ultimately end up with me being labeled selfish and that it's "all about me" every time. I learned to clam up and use the infamous silent treatment.
Yes, we all need to have a gentle approach with others, especially when they are failing so miserably right in front of our eyes. We need to remember that we've been wrong so many times, and how grateful we've been to receive Mercy and Grace.
@@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753 Oh my gosh, you made me realize I have to rephrase my entire comment.
@@elcee7800 it's hilarious how they say, " it's all about YOU" 🤣
@@sandrathomas2893 It's their boilerplate remark. Infinitely guilty.
I know my husband will never change as he is never wrong. I am done trying to explain or defend everything I say so I set boundaries. Not for the faint of heart! Your videos have helped me to gain myself respect and confidence back. I am still a work in progress Thank you.
My psychotherapist has turned out to be a narcissist he turned so angry just by me questioning how our last session went then he insisted I had an anger issue even when I kept saying I never got angry it was him he totally denied it just kept manipulating bullying tactics saying he was protecting himself from me it’s been a terrible experience
Wow! So sorry you had that response from a presumed professional.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you I have never came across someone with this personality before it’s left me devastated trusting in someone sharing my soul then after so many sessions he turned nasty it feels abusive to me but I am glad I can understand it a bit more now by your Chanel. Thankyou
T’inquiètes la plupart d’eux sont très très cons 😂😂😂
@@Polza-sd1sm his professional body actually said that to me when I said I can’t report him he is a clever clever man he will twist everything they said no he only thinks he is clever
😢
Wow, what timing!! Yesterday, i felt myself spiraling, wishing i could just immediately go see a psychiatrist who would tell me if it IS me, or if he is gaslighting me or WHAT?!! I literally felt insane, just saying WOW over & over, feeling so manic. So i watched your videos & 2 others that address how narcissists blame you for everything. Talk about instant validation! I thought a couple of the examples had you people in my home spying on us😂
He will tear my heart to shreds, and when i don't bounce back after a lackluster fauxpology, i get, "Do you think you have depression or something? You should go see somebody. I'm not responsible for your happiness. You are"
It's the blatant hypocrisy that gets me so pissed off, i try to talk, to tell him he has to at least find SOME empathy in order to deal with me... he said, "i am who i am, I'll never change," but meanwhile, I'm told constantly to change. I explain my frustration in that garbage, then i become "the bitch that can't let anything go". I see now it was totally wrong in trying to reason or resolve anything, but seems i can't change at the drop of a hat. i'm a smartass when hurt and angry. I'm learning in that department.
I hate planning each morning how i will behave, (don't talk too much, Debbie, he will lash out that you're bothering him) & having to constantly remind myself that i have value, but apparently, that's what it will take for now.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your videos. It will probably save my life, or at least my sanity!❤
@debbiedebster5806 Plan an exit strategy. If needed, get training to be self-sufficient. He will probably impede any progress in this knowing that you could bolt and run, but do it anyway. Make your move when you can. He will not change and this will be your whole life. It will break you. Best wishes.
So pleased it resonated!
@Psychology-et-healing I do care about me. Plan is in motion!
Dr Carter, I have not one memory of my n-ex ever admitting anything he did! I would ask one question or get one sentence out, and I'd immediately see a look on his face that I came to recognize as 'all the little gears turning in his brain', which was my cue that he wasn't listening anymore. He would interrupt me with his 'take' on things, which was always about what I'd said or done to cause his bad behavior! After that, it was usually the silent treatment. Even though I didn't know what narcissism was, I raised 2 kids and 'grandparented' several grandchildren, so I understood what both unacceptable behavior and ridiculous excuses were. I don't believe a person can live 70 years and not know the difference between good and evil, lovingkindness and hatefulness-- and not have learned to choose the better path! What I can't understand is how narcissists can literally choose to Embrace evil! My only conclusion is they must be demon- oppressed or demon- possessed souls. For that reason, I continue to pray for my n-ex. And many will not understand this, but even though I now know for certain that it was ALL fake, that I was NEVER truly loved by him, I did and do love him, such as he was and is, as I never expected perfection-- and I thank God for the sweet times we had together, because I had a very precious dream to know married love again, and I did! I did, but he didn't.
They could have laid hands on you and within minutes gaslight you that they never touched you! Dr C, they are truly psychotic; they dissociate, a la the film “Split” Its petrifying at first; until you become fearless 💪💪 Thanks to you and Gus always! 😇🐶💙
Omg,this is so true!!!! Last March I confronted my narc about something while I was recording on my phone for proof of what he said, and minutes later I was assaulted. He lunged towards me, grabbed my arm, and then grabbed my phone that I was holding. Within a minute he was already going on and on about how he's never laid his hands on ANYONE EVER. I was flabbergasted. He even started talking about race. I was sick.
@@reneegardner2286 I always say-Spin the roulette wheel each day and wherever it lands is the personality you’ll get…….not for the entire day, mind you……..maybe for that hour! Anything else that comes their way in that hour, eg a scolding from his mommy on the phone (he’s in his late 50’s BTW!!), that second hour is gonna be emotional vile personality #13 with potential to push and shove like a bully on the playground. They are stunted psychotic children with the potential for permanent and lethal damage (a la “The Bad Seed”)…..eg if that shove is when you’re standing at the top of the staircase. Whomever is reading this, DON’T KID YOURSELVES, they are DANGEROUS!!
I don't know why you'd be discussing them changing with them anyway. After some 30+ years in various forms of therapy, I would never, ever suggest anyone else needs to change. There is nothing more likely to bring down the wrath of everyone than suggesting someone else might need to change in some way. From therapists to family members to my church to mere acquaintances to complete strangers on social media, the reaction is pretty much always, "How dare you suggest anyone else needs to change! You need to change yourself! Go work on you!" I didn't start out as someone who believed you could change other people and by this point I've been absolutely traumatized over this. Just thinking about it causes severe anxiety.
I agree wholeheartedly. The only way a person can ever have a change of heart is when they have sorrow for their own words and actions, and ask others and God for forgiveness. It's physical, and it's spiritual. The Bible says God cannot forgive you until you forgive those who have offended you. And it says to go to those whom you've offended, and ask them for forgiveness. When a person does not do this, they are the ones who are 'bound up.' The Bible clearly states that unforgiveness is sin. To me, this is why our whole world is so messed up. I also don't understand how a person can think they can receive emotional healing before they forgive. I think everyone knows that unforgiveness leads to rumination and continued blaming. I don't think anyone can heal or move forward in the midst of that. I would even go as far as to say that that's how the narcissist became a narcissist-- they refused to forgive, so they bound their trauma and pain to themselves, and we see the results their trying to "live" with all that evil muck has produced.
@@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753 Letting go requires commitment and work, but forgiveness need not be a part of that process. The notion, that someone who has been abused is a sinner, for not forgiving their abuser, is victim blaming.
@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753 None of this is where I was going at all. I think rumination is the result of unresolved trauma. At this point, I've heard enough about sin to last me more than a lifetime, quite often very much misapplied. And I think research has pretty clearly established that you can let go without forgiving someone. I think forgiveness is a useless exercise when perpetrators are unrepentant and continuing to abuse. It accomplishes nothing in terms of stopping abuse to yourself or others. There is no peace when the abuser feels free to go right on abusing and does. Considering that this means abusers go right on abusing little children while everyone is busy forgiving them, I find this to be kind of a self-absorbed and pointless exercise that has no regard for the safety of others.
It was the most Exhausting relationship I ever Had. Im so happy they found someone New when I stopped engaging on all levels.
That's easy , they dislike themselves .
& will never admit it
@@bigdaddyfellowsh ...they can't admit that , it would lead to insight which is completely off limits to a narc .
@@texaspatty458 your response is sad & funny at the same time. My mother was narcissistic, she could always tell me why nobody liked me. But couldn't admit, & acted like she didn't have a clue why she was disliked. She always tried convincing me she was well liked & had so many friends. She was very good at projecting on to me how she felt about herself. Smh.
After being sick, I asked my parent to try to say how are you and ask about me, which I shouldn't even be asking. I was so tired of pretending to be well and never asked how I was. They continued to do so and told everyone all sorts of things, and completely excluded me from the family and friends and I've been isolated since and have had people avoiding me and I don't even know why. I just said I'm not well please try to be kind to me. After being very sad, I am finally accepting that. I mean if I don't matter to them, why should i care about them?
I stayed in my parents house for one week and none of them did not ask once about my health or life.
Apparently, I just married one last September. She changed literally the day after the wedding, from a kind, sweet, agreeable woman, to a contentious, argumentative, and combative woman. It was a shocking change. We have now been apart for 6 months in separate countries- and the change appears to be her true nature. Someone recently suggested to me that she might be a narcissist. This is the first video I have watched- and it describes the change to a T. This is insane. What happened to the woman I married?
The woman you married was a phoney, a fake, an award winning actress wearing a mask. They are evil.
Unfortunately they are good actors!
They wear a mask until they get what they want. Narcissistic people can be charming, but only if they stand to gain.
There were signs I'm sure. Think back until you find those signs. Just relax and think through the time before marriage. Were you with her for a long time? Did you marry soon after meeting? May I suggest that you listen to Dr Laura? She has a podcast that's easy to find. She's also on Sirius XM. 109 or 111 I think. She has a website, too. You can Google her. She's been on the radio for 50 years now. Many people call her with questions just like yours. She helps them work out what happened. She can be a little rough, but it's because there's only a few minutes to get to the heart of the issue. She'll ask you questions that may cause you discomfort or pain. I promise you she'll help you. Don't say you don't know. She wants you to be invested in your life so she can help. Don't say issues either. That doesn't explain anything in detail. So be prepared to describe what happened with clear details. Listen before you call. That'll help a lot. Finding out what happened, exactly, could seriously help you so you don't make the same mistake again. I hope this helps you.
Dr Laura is a very good resource, and so is The Royal We on TH-cam. I love Dr Les, too!! He's taught me so much. All three of them are excellent resources. Your question what happened to the person I married holds great meaning for me. I, too, did the same thing twice. You've got to understand there were signs or this will happen to you again. You can call into Dr Laura's program. She's on Sirius XM on 109 or 111. She has a podcast and if you google her, you'll be sure to find her. I encourage you to listen to her program before you call in. It'll help you to understand how things work with her. She can be a kinda tough on people, but she only has a few minutes to help. I recommend her to everyone. Keep listening to this channel. The three people mentioned here are very very good at what they do. They're extremely informative and caring. You'll find the answer to your very important question, however, it's going to take a lot of work on your part. I sincerely hope you don't make the same mistake that I did. I'm 65 now, and my poor decisions ruined my life by allowing others to be very disrespectful, critical, and allowing them to judge me quite harshly. I keep letting them do it repeatedly. I've no idea how to make it stop. It's a miserable way to live and even though I live a comfortable life because of them, my mind and heart are very damaged. It's my fault. I understand that, however kindness, love, and caring is so much more important. Don't let anybody take your happiness away. Please find out what happened so you can live a life filled with love and happiness.
Oh yes
....they are the embodiment of being a problem for every solution.....
Well said.
@@heathermixson1265 I'm with Hatbox. Well said!
Did you know that 100% of divorces started with a marriage 😉
Yup on the need to change.
My ex and I tried counseling 3 times. The first time he only went to 3 sessions even though we were contracted to pay for at least 4. He said she was no good and flatly refused to go.
The second time he just refused to cooperate and the pastor who was counseling us said he couldn't help us and stopped the counseling.
The third time he went to 3 sessions and then accused me of being the one who refused to change despite all 4 kids saying that they saw me working on it.
He was fine when I was told to change something but the minute he was told to change even 1 thing that was the end of counseling
It's crazy making...but trust who you are!
@@eph2vv89only1way if they need to change then that means they are " bad" and they must be better than at all costs.
I will never change. I am who I am. Your love is conditional. You need to accept me unconditionally. Um.. you committed work comp fraud, your son is now in prison for 6 years and your daughter dropped out of college with massive parent plus loans for lack of financial planning.. no, I don’t need to be anywhere near any of that.
Those are the words of a very disturbed person.
They'll deflect any conversation that triggers their shame, and so they double down on their denials, blaming, and conversational aversions.
5:25 to 7:35 was so incredibly accurate. My current partner almost word for word stated and has vocalized what was discussed here.
The major 2 points were accusing me of lying about a family members recent stroke, yet deflected with “If I knew YOU weren’t lying about it I would have asked if they were ok”
And 2nd, the shift to my friend groups and how said friends are what makes me so hard to rely on or deal with.
I have noticed that they truly react very negatively to the word "No".
I choose to isolate myself, tired of the manipulation and being used
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and wisdom. 😊
The comment about being committed to their anger which is also the root of it all felt so fresh and revelatory. Thank you
The narcissist is the victim with benefits . 🤦♂️
Remember the movie Friends With Benefits?
@duromusabc I must be old because to me that's a fairly new movie.
@@RobSlopezJrthat movie Friends With Benefits came out around 10 years ago starring Justin Timberlake
@@duromusabc Has it been that long? And 10 years is fairly recent to me. Lol
Truth
moving on and forgetting the inspiration can cause damage.
I have been in a narcissist relationship for 7 years. I didn’t realize it till about a year ago. When I try to fix things it comes of as me “attacking
“ this narcissist person. This person crossed so many lines, but I still feel scared to leave. When I try to the verbal abuse comes out and they scare me about being alone. Even when we resolve things I feel empty inside. I want to say so much more and tell this person how I feel but I know it’s not worth it. I know it won’t do anything but make things worse. After 7 years of this I feel so sad and empty inside but I still stupidly care about this person so much. I want things to change so bad, but I know deep down It won’t and I feel so anxious everyday. Thank you for these videos.. it gives me some clarity and feelings like I am not alone ❤
Good luck trying talk to them about changing. Even when it’s for the benefit of all concerned, they are stubborn to the last.
But, when circumstances force them to change their ways, they do so quickly and even boast about it!
So, what it comes down to is them saying : No way am I going to change FOR YOU. STOP MAKING SENSE!
So, don’t even try to communicate with them about change. Instead, change the circumstances.
Thank you for helping us maneuver this narcissistic minefield
God bless you Dr Carter 🙌🕊️✝️ excellent video! You help me soo much, thank you for always reminding us how important peace of mind is!!
The narcissist will call you a narcissist. They will call you what they really are. They re the victim and to them you are the villian. Everybody else is wrong and they are the only one that are right. They have no peace inside. They will try to gaslight you, manipulate and control, and when they see that they can't they hate that. They have no compassion, and no empathy. Full of pride.
We took a long road trip through Idaho and had to stop for the night and grab a bite after a long day of driving and dealing with his increasingly tyrannical behavior. We went to a very cool rustic bar where shortly after arriving the entire town lost electricity. The bar was packed with cool people in the dark laughing and making the most of it. and we started singing. I love to sing, got some pipes. I belted out Janis Joplin and everyone got quiet, could hear a pin drop. Then several came up to us to compliment me on my voice and gave me at lot of attention. HE HATED IT. Later that evening after starting a insane fight, he left me stranded on the side of the road to walk on a rural dangerous steep road for two miles at 1 o'clock in the morning
Wouldn't go back for seconds. Best wishes to you.
I have a son that has been diagnosed with a mental illness but in addition is very narcissistic. I've always been a person who tries to maintain peace with my neighbors but now because he lives on my property causes problems constantly. He complains about the neighbor's dogs, their bug zapper, the wind chimes and retaliates with playing loud music, calls to the animal control. Everyday is a new drama with someone or something. The police are regular visitors. Often they are called because he is loud and very abusive to me. Thanks to you and your videos I am able to listen and not respond and to remain a person of peace. Thank you Dr. Les Carter
The one thing the drives my covert narcissistic wife crazy is when other people compliment me in front of her and especially if it's directly to her. She responds with a sarcastic statement.
They despise everything in my experience
As a result, they actually catapult themselves out. Guess who they blame. Everybody else. 🤗
They are Dominated by addictions.
They dislike Gus because he has them 100% figured out...
How can anyone hate Gus? He’s great therapy 😂
Gus says: Whatever.
My only concern is that I don't think that we should be telling people they need to change. The only one we can change is ourselves.
They don't care anything about you. It's all about them and how they look
I'm autistic and often times wonder, if I'm a narcissist. I have very bad self esteem and impulse control on some things. I hate that I have these troubles, but I try to better myself through exercise. I love running and chase that famous runners high. My other faults are at times terrible sense of how to communicate with different people. I have become so withdrawn, because I don't trust new people at all.
I have heard these almost verbatim
Omg same! This video made me gasp aloud
This is common not just in narcissistic Relationships. It's human nature.
Nailed it Doc!!
They’re lazy too they don’t want to work at anything you mite want them to do. I got told once I will do what ever the F I want . He stop saying that after I said the same thing
This is why I just blocked a narc recently, pretty much verbatim "how I make you feel is not my problem" just like you said too, he said all these things and more. So shocking
Been married for almost 39 years. Drug three kids through this mess. Got labeled as the Problem-until we broke up for a year and he showed himself to everyone we knew together. He closed our businesses and refused to pay my spousal support, so I have been glued to him another 15 years. Three weeks ago he entered Hospice, for congestive heart failure. He called our kids to come. He lied his way, and we all knew he was about to do something…he kept saying he was going to a Heart Center for a true idea of his condition…he stated to everyone that he wanted no more treatment. After the catheter lab his dr called to get my permission for treatment my husband has Yelled that he didn’t want. I hung up on them. They called out of state son to get authorization, since the narc was sedated. Now the narc may be put on transplant list, if he responds well to this ghastly treatment.
I don’t want him coming back here. I was prepared to take care of him, but he now has a tube sticking out of his chest and I know he will contaminate it and there will be drama and danger. He has had more medical procedures than anyone I ever knew. He did this to himself. He hordes meds and plays with them. I have tried to care for this man, after having an ischemic stroke and a hemoraghic stroke -at same time- he lost use of one arm. When sent home he was told not to bend over…he would squat/bend forward and his hand would work. Then I went next door, and he took car and escaped, came home laughing. He climbed up on our roof and had to be rescued…need I go on. Every surgery he developed horrid infections and allergies, but now he may be getting a new heart. I have a text ready to send him asking him to get an extended stay hotel near his hospital. I can’t do this. He is already accusing me of trying to kill him with hospice.
My oldest son and I have been predicting this, dad only yells, stomps, throws things and gossips when he is hiding a lie. We knew that he was just too damned precious to just die like a normal broke ass person. Nope, our medical system raised this man and he wants everything he feels he has due to him.
These exact defense mechanisms are what took place when I asked my parents to respect my boundaries and that the way the family has been relating was unhealthy (with me being at the bottom of the rung of course). My mothers response was im not gonna walk on eggshells. My fathers response was….oh yeah he never responded.
No contact for me and don’t want to see them period.
Is it narcissism if I've fallen completely head over heels in love with myself - but don't know how to tell myself without looking like an idiot?
What if I say no?
Or worse, what if I go and make fun of myself to all my friends?
Would I be this worried about being rejected if I was a narcissist?
I mean, it's me so of course I can afford to be picky - but I have alot to offer me.
Well, wish me luck.
❤🎉TUSM FOR MAKING PEOPLE AWARE !
I find the thing that sets them off more than anything is saying to them "I am equal to you". This has caused 2 narc family members to discard me on two separate occasions.
Lucky you!!!😂😅😂
How does "being equal" upset them?
By the way, do they think by breaking someone, they repair themselves?
Or perhaps, they do not even want or intend to repair themselves?
@@tombuddy100 With them, it is all about power and control. You cannot be equal to them. You have to be lesser and subservient. It is very threatening to them to tell them that you are equal.
@@l.5832 Yet they only seem to respect resolute, decisive, and self-confident people.
What is puzzling though, is that narcissists seem to take it up as a challenge to confront those people, but narcissists tend to use failed strategies and tricks again, even though they know resolute people are at least just as "tough cookie" as the narcissist.
Nobody explained it better than you. They are jealous of everything that is you and when you don't accept the control of their dysfunctional personality, they hate you and give you the silence treatment. I just got nominated for my activity in a certain domain, and guess what, instead of congratulating me and be happy with me, he never said one single word, not one. It is a simple human reaction but he wants to punish me for my success. I find it very ugly and I don't know how this is possible in a normal human being. But that he is not.