How Narcissists Train You To Suppress
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ก.ค. 2024
- Because they carry so much unresolved inner tension, narcissists are driven by a wide array of suppressed emotions and desires. Dr. Les Carter describes how this prompts narcissists to pull you into a similar pattern of suppression, and their methods are not at all conducive to your personal well-being.
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I don’t even remember how many times I said “it’s ok” when it wasn’t. When I finally said “it’s not ok” that was the end of a life long relationship.
Whoa.. talk about "holding by a string". It's so sad that these people get there rocks off by making others miserable.. it's sickening.
Yes😊😊😊
Isn’t it amazing 👍
People pleasers say it's ok when it's not. Perfect partner for them to be as selfish as they want. I've been one. I see it now. I wouldn't say no, end it. Because I feared abandonment and wanted to be loved. But no boundaries.
i really HOPE never know narcissist but i do know now❤
The less you tell a narcissist about yourself and your life, the safer you are. All of your personal information will become ammunition against you.
Absolute truth!🤦🏻♀️
Especially on social media and thankyou for the reminder 😎❤️
@@Melly16yr10 Correct and you’re welcome.
And when it comes back, or gets spread, it is always embellished with untruths, distortions and imaginations. If nothing else, narcissists can lie like no one else.
I agree 💯 completely 😢❤❤
After 61 years, I am finished with apologizing for being a decent human being with emotions. Narcs can stick their suppression up their collective colons.
You don't have to apologize. They are assholes!
Amen to that ❤
@jackilynpyzo yes! Beware! cha662
Don't be vulnerable with a narcissist. They don't see it as an opportunity for compassion. Instead they think of you as weak, and that pleases them. When you stop sharing it really bugs them when you deny them that type of indirect supply. All the more reason to keep yourself to yourself. Share only with trusted people.
100pc! My sister is one. Before i realised what she was i've shared personal info, weak spots of mine. She's thrown every single one back in my face and usually in front of people plus a few imagined ones too. She has some odd idea that i'm jealous because she's taller than me and has better teeth than me. Well my teeth can be fixed. Her personality is unfixable at this point.
My brother says anytime you need to talk I'm here why would I do that with a narcissist and a drink who throws everything he does for me in my face and always brings up my mistakes never his best thing to do is not engage with him and keep everything I can to myself.
A lack of compassion is a narcissist trait, they dont understand the meaning of the word.
People who can't even have compassion for someone who is homeless I want nothing to do with them.
Unfortunately some , like me are a sucker for trying to keep conversation kind. I got gaslit 4 times this afternoon. You would think after 28 years We would learn how to protect ourselves better. 🥴. I love these videos and they are a great help but it’s challenging in som ways to apply. I guess it’s the unknown. So wished I married someone who I could have showered with affection rather than be a dog for service. .”Now and then there is a fool such as I.”
Malignant narcissists make you hide your joy, lest they destroy you for it.
Over the course of several decades my ex conditioned me to eliminate entire subject matters that I felt became unsafe to discuss with him.
One of his favorite "snares" was asking, "So what have you been up to?" No matter what I said, he criticized my choices. Eventually I just answered, "Nothing"- which he took literally and then accused me of being lazy. Everything is a battle that you never wanted and can never win.
So true.. stay strong! Love and light..
My dad was exactly the same way. I got in severe trouble no matter what choices I made, even back when I was naive enough to try and please him. So I stopped telling him anything and he accused me of being a shut in loser
Sounds exhausting 💀😴
Really seeing the behavior, I was so unaware of what it was. I knew it wasn't normal. Therapy at different times but it was so hard to describe what the dynamic between us was.
Trying hard to stay in the light, divorcing and he projects and makes me the problem. I survived a domestic violence event and got out! Best thing ever ❤️ Stay in the Light
@@aafm thank you. It took me a while to realize it, but I did just fine being out on my own and I realized I had a perfectly healthy social life without him. It was hard to maintain friendships in high school when I was sabotaged at every stage, but thankfully I moved out at 18 and had many rewarding relationships, including a wonderful marriage and in laws who showed me what parental love should look like.
I think they do whatever it takes to make us feel like they do. They deprive their kids of basic needs, supervision, withhold love and attention. The silent treatment is very painful as a child, completely ignored. You get nothing from them and the cycle for your life begins. Abuse and neglect, pretend kindness with breadcrumbs, ending with “discard”. Rinse, repeat. You are always waiting for the next good moment, so you conceal the pain you feel. You “learn” to “do without”.
wow tbunny, feeling your pain. you've worded this well. looking at this through my own children's perspective [being raised in our household]
sharing an experience one of my children mentioned: a game was being played while at the academy, where certain tunes/music were ▶️ played and the first to recognize would name the tune. when the tune to w.o.w [war of warcraft, a computer 🎮 game ] played, my child immediately named it and the cadets were impressed. reply from my child went something like *"no, nah, nothing else in this world makes the hair on my neck and the bile in my stomach rise as that dammed song does"*
should be no need to mention the other parent in this relationship, who spent close to a lifetime with their head buried in computer 💻 laptop 🎮 [on either w.o.w or diablo]
{exacerbated🤦♀️🤦♂️emoji }
@@Teacher369: sucks having to "learn" to do without
Yes. My caregiver had a favorite she used to describe how she handled her grown children - "I don't pay any attention". "My daughter thinks she is a princess". I was getting the same treatment, but did not realize it until I was summarily discarded. It was such a shock. I helped her fool 'myself' until she was done with me.
@@lifewithapurpose237 @karen Enos It feels good to be heard ❤
How narcissists teach you to suppress:
1. Blame shifting
2. Give frequent invalidations
3. Full of criticism
4. Throwing cornering questions
5. "prove it" communication
6. Showing general disinterest
What happens to all the emotions held inside?
- "trash sack analogy" - if trash not taken out, it gets sour and smelly.
it rots and you will get destroyed
Good rundown. This is the exact blueprint my oldest sister uses with me.
My toxic family system taught me that my needs weren't important. I wasn't important. I felt less than and powerless. The abusive cycle is endless. I finally had to leave.
"Families are the gas chamber of human emotions"
@@globalman That's a powerful statement!
I'm in the same place. It is absolutely horrific and sometimes it's hard to get away from them for a variety of reasons.
Same, i was too authentic for them
I have trouble with my self image till this day because of this
Another way that I have been suppressed is every time I open my mouth to form a word and start speaking, they talk. How in the world can you not suppress your emotions? Yep, they are controllers.
Yes! And now after decades of this, I really don’t have anything to say to them. I’m not being contrary. I really can’t think of anything I’d like to share. It’s sad.
Yes! It's like repeatedly being run over in any conversation, because it's only one way. One day I said to him "Tell you what. When you finish talking, you let me know, so I can say something." Doesn't last very long I can tell you.
The key is to have other people whom you can relate to on a normal level. Fight isolation furiously.
This will save you.
Thank you. That's exactly what I've been doing, isolating!! I appreciate your words about fighting isolation furiously!!
Yes I have learned so important to Not let yourself be easily entrapped by not engaging in enough and healthier relationships …
Thank God for my sister's and this doctor
Yes your right. It feels very lonely being around /with a narcissist. They always use any thing you say against you.undermining all good intention and destroying our integrity.
They also act like you’re the negative one for confronting them about their B.S. They can be rude as hell but act like YOU have issues for trying to make them accept responsibility for what they do.
Because they won't own up to their b.s.!
This!
@@jackilynpyzocha662Their enablers will help them downplay and minimize the toxic behaviors of the narcissist by blame shifting everything on to you. They then call you names and make false accusations against you for having the gall to stand up for yourself.
I've tried on many occasions in email, in person, and writing to communicate and address issues with my mom and she completely ignores me if it's challenging her in any way and twists everything I say to make me guilty. It's a total mindfuck.
I am 67 years old, this all hits home. I stayed married to a narc for 30 years, been divorced for almost 20 years.7 months ago I decided no contact, at this time, at least, or maybe no more, with my narc sister, and no one else who has only hate, jealousy, and dis-respect for me. I intend to finish this life in peace, kindness, and love. Thank you Dr. C for all of your help, I only wish I had made better choices 50 years ago, but finally learned a little about boundaries, and self respect. Better late than never. Peace!
Totally relate. I'm 51 and just realized my mother was a narcissist when she moved in with me 2 years ago. She's now in a home, but her behaviour with me brought it all back, the terror I had as a child. Sister was one too, I realized that 5 years ago when she wouldn't help me care for our parents.I was the SG, blamed for absolutely everything. Told I was mentally ill and ruined their lives and was disgusting. I married one too that's over. Maybe I'll get a little clarity before I'm gone.
I am 70 and it also took me most of my life to learn these lessons that you are testifying about. I am proud of you. Please enjoy a happier, healthier "rest of your life"!
@modes, that's me, even the age...... It's terrifying. I know I too need to take care of my parents. I'm afraid of it all the time. My brother is not going to help. As he and his wife are ignoring me for some time now. Or even better, I'm good enough only if I'm willing to be a useful idiot. And I was, for quite some time. I just want to hide and never ever be found.
@@dvegule920I feel for you. All I can say is don't ask them to move in, it was pure misery. And if you can't avoid it, then at least read a lot and know what to expect (not a loving relationship). I was unprepared, I was remembering my childhood through rose colored glasses and so blamed myself(just like then) when it went bad quickly.
Thank you.
Living with and dealing with narcissists - WE learn to stop disclosing who we are, what we think, what we care about - and this is the correct stance to take. Disclose next to nothing. (it can be a bit lonely and sad if this is a spouse or family member)
Sounds pretty much like a miserable existence but I do agree that you should not throw precious jewels in front of pigs who will just stomp on it and smell what they can eat and lose interest and crush it with their hooves.
bingo!💯🎯
I am learning this the hard way, it is all gathering information to later use against you, and I don't know if anyone else noticed that military people seem to be huge narcissistic people, it is one career where narcissists seem to be rewarded
I learned to not reveal, disclose, or divulge what I was feeling, thinking, and or what I needed. After the last infliction of pain, misery and/or suffering, I totally shut down. I decided the narc other wasn't worth my time, energy or stamina. When you look at, listen to, the narc & feel absolutely nothing, you have already left the relationship. The narc became someone that I used to know. Had no empathy, caring and/or respect for, with or toward. Hated even being in the same room, space or house. Wished on a daily basis that the narc would vacate, leave the premises. They were dull, ugly, evil, negative and toxic in every way.
True
My narc tells me that the MORE that I explain something the better. It took me a long while to realize it's because he likes to have more and more information to twist and make up a story of why I did something instead of accepting the story. Prove it...gosh that's my narc.
I have learned to shut down, I do not get close to anyone, and have not been in a relationship with anyone in over 12 years. I am 47 and single living with my mom who remind me every day how much I hate living. I hate the cost of living has surpassed a single person surviving. I really need prayers.
Sending you best wishes for healing and happiness on a daily basis
You need to move on, pray and God will send a way for you. Stay positive in a negative and you win. Don’t let them change you. Sounds like she already is. Make yourself stronger, God is letting the weeds stay among the wheat until harvesting day. Perseverance is key. Dr’s videos are helpful advice. Maybe follow up more personally with him.
It took me YEARS to realize that when he insisted, “I get it” during a conversation where I was sharing my side, that he was really saying, “Shut up!” (29+ years)
OMG!!!! What a realization!!! Thank you for sharing!!!!
They want to hear your problems and secrets only to the extent that they make them feel superior - actually caring or assisting is beyond their capability.
@@colleenshea2293 wow! That is so true now that I think about it
Holy cow I really needed to read this !!! 😯 Thank you.
Yup! I got "duly noted". LMAO. WTF?
As a child I had a guinea pig with whom I shared all my thoughts and feelings. It became my best (and only) "person" I could talk to. I wrote tons of diarys or just sat there and talked to myself. Sometimes I imagined a friendly person sitting next to me and talked to this imagination. My mother was/is a complete atheist and made fun of anyone who believes in anything "unnatural". So, at night when she fell asleep, I opened my window and talked to the stars or "something above" that I felt must be there... I learned early on not to share any personal information with my family. I think, I did some kind of "grey rock", but as a child I didn't know that it was a technique to protect myself from narcissistic abuse.
Even though you did not get the good foundation, it's still possible to re-educate yourself. Keep learning, Juli!
Juli, your adaptive and protective mechanisms were nothing short of amazing! I'm glad you survived to tell your story and hope you can help many other people who are now or have been imprisoned in an abusive situation.❤️🩹
Juli - your soul/self shined through astonishingly despite the fact your mom basically didn't believe in such a thing im rooting for you, relief is right around the corner
😢❤️
For me it was imaginary friends that I soon bonded to. They became a species of their own without any of the capacities for narcissism, depression anxiety, or suppression...or anything else that plagues so much of life on this planet. They even came to me, like out of nowhere! I wasn't even wishing them up to talk to. They would suddenly "be there". Eventually, they came in the form of auditory and tactile hallucinations, like someone was kissing me, giving me a full body hug, and or telling me all kinds of healthy positivity. I eventually came to idea that I was "channeling" the whole time, and they weren't *just* imaginary beings, that they were actually *out there.*
I eventually decided to stick with the idea that they're real, even if I know they're not or cannot prove they really do exist outside of my head. It's the thing that has kept me alive, kicking, and thriving for so long despite still living with this abuser. I hope one day I *will be able to leave*, show her the many drawings of my real inner family, and finally tell her "you are not my mother, and you never were. This is my real mother, not you!"
Just so you're aware, tonight for the 4th of July, I stood up against my abusive narcissistic "mother" and played some guinea pig noises just for you. I even gave you a mention, and said that i would write you, and here it is. She thinks it so "embarrassing" that I do, so I did it anyway for you. I was considering not doing it this year, but reading your comment helped me.
Worse is when you have children with them and stuck around for decades. Set boundaries for you but cross yours all the time without a care. Cut you off from friends and family (no support for you but they have support for themselves and highly worshipped by those close to them). Verbally abuse you but treat others better (because they are put on a pedestal by them). Sucked our finances, emotionally and spiritually drained you and make it hard for you to escape. I'm doing my best to not crack.
keep stepping away! its okay to crack, youve lived through a lot of horrible that tension is valid you are doing it!
Thus helps me to know I am not alone trying to get through all the hurt.
@@Paige-jn8ob It's OK for you to crack. Cry. Yell. Scream. Vent the stress (in a healthy was of course). Your body will thank you for it.
He told me that my openess and conduct is not always beneficial to relationship. I replied with" for the right relationship, my openess and honesty would be appreciated"
He is so unbelievably toxic and secretive.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: we all grew up like this! Not only is this behavior typical of many an Internet troll, but more importantly, it's the behavior of school bullies and harassers of all kinds, and this is EXACTLY what they do to their victims!
It does seem a very common occurrence - perhaps we just didn't have a label for it then.
This is so true. Have spent 30 years of marriage being told to be quiet or stop doing something that might make my husband look bad in front of others. Behind closed doors constant invalidating and disregard, rages and blatant disrespect.
Hoping you are out. XXOO
My ex contacted me recently. I gave him a hard time for manipulating and gaslighting me and when he minimised it I said "Do you not think I have a right to have boundaries with someone with a history of gaslighting me?" His response was that I am filled with hate. Im not the same person who had nothing but joy and love for him. That he cant be around my negative toxic behaviour. All I could do was laugh.
😂 good for you!
Training you to suppress is "crazy making"
Just listening to this video brings back all those feelings. All the times he deliberately embarrassed me in front of people; all the times I endured the criticism; all the times I was invalidated
My brain actually hurts right now, and my heart is racing 😢
I hear you. Keep coming back here. Dr. C. is a tremendous support. Take good care. ❤️
😔😔😔
Triggering-slow deep breathing helps
Hi Barb I felt so sad when I read your response - having had similar experience in the past - facing the truth, having it clarified shocks the system - truth can be very painful. But as you learn more about surviving and overcoming you'll strengthen up and the memories won't hurt any more but rather act as guides as to what you won't tolerate into your future. All the very best.
Sending you hugs
I've joked my grandmother's motto was: *any* thing you say *will* be used against you.
I learned to never say anything, and never show vulnerability.
Say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.
@@sharondrake5794 Better than being their prey!
My healthy boundaries have eliminated a few people but my level of Peace has increased immensely! Thanks Dr. C and Gus!
That's the point!
It's definitely quality nor quantity 🙏
Oh my gosh..so happy for you..stay strong..Be You. I made the mistake of answering a text..reengaging ...I WENT FROM FREE TO FEELING CAGED AGAIN.
@@annetteheintz9330 Don't take the hook😉, you'll be fine!
@@annetteheintz9330 it happens. sometimes in a panic, i don’t always think things through. i am learning to maintain others boundaries as well as my own. i appreciate the reminder.
My favorite narc truck is when they use something you share against you months or even years later.
I remembered how shocked I felt when he said he did everything 100% right and was never to blame. That would make me 100% wrong, I don't think It's possible to be that wrong that often, but it is in their minds. It has to be.
i like your attitude/approach about this!
Complete disinterest was my ex’s favourite tactic. Very damaging to the victim’s self-worth 😞
This one right here. I have a Neglectful Narc in my life. It's their tried and true method. I am so sorry I relate to your comment. For me, it feels like looking into the deepest biggest hole. A void.
Same here 😢
Oh yes. Walking out of the room while I was still taking. ( and it wasn't a time out from an argument)
@@reneelibby4885 *wince* oh, I’d forgotten about that happening too. Ugh. Sorry you experienced that, it’s incredibly hurtful. I hope you are healing well x
@@FionaC1 I am and I wish the same for you!
His quote when I wanted to discuss anything that wasn’t daisies and unicorns was. “Why do you want to argue with me?”. It was the most inane normal thing I’d say or ask or want to discuss and he shut me down and eventually I just kept everything to myself.
I'm blissfully independent for three years. The common denominator of my failed relationships was me. Now that I've taken myself put of the equation? Life has never been more simplified, peaceful and rewarding. I treat myself very nicely. I don't belittle my needs. I pay myself full attention. I honor my time. I accept my challenges with dignity. And I don't have to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life! I have happy feet :)
Sometimes suppression is a blessing. Sometimes you think
you found trustwothy people, but they can turn into maniacs too.
Yes, they suck the joy out of everything! But when they are actually joyous of something and you comment yes, it was, well then they they get pissed at you because they act like they are the reason for the joy in the situation. Omg! You can never just be in agreement. Definitely mental problems with the narcissist! No, it is NOT a tumor! Lol...god help us all! Thanks for the video.😉👍♥️
Narcissists stuff their stuff!! ... 🤦 & that never ends well just like you said Dr C. ... then they "throw up" on you!! .. (rage) .. AND finally blame you for being too sensitive! 🤦 ... the solution is, ... Flee the narcissist!! Just FLEE!! ... Run! .. run fast and don't look back! 🏃🏃🏃
This is especially true when you are a highly empathetic person raised by a narcissistic parent.
That's my situation. Added bonus, I was born with a birth defect. So, I've grown up forced to BE very dependent, on my parent. I'm 63 years old, also. I've been trapped all my life, psychologically. She also still has me scared to death, of standing up for myself. I still have a hard time, with that issue.
@@libra74677 My heart goes out to you. I hope that the situation becomes better for you. Living in fear is absolute hell.
My sister had MS for 30 years and was paralyzed from the neck down the last ten years. She passed last week at 55. When she got diagnosed my mother said “you don’t have a husband, you don’t have a family - what’s the big deal?” She had to move back hone to that horror of a mother who treated her so cruelly. She was in a nursing home the last 22 years and my mothers visits filled her with dread, since she was wheelchair bound and couldn’t just walk out of the room. It’s a very difficult thing you’re going thru and hard to explain to other people who don’t have a clue. I will pray for you that there is another door that will open for you. I known you’re in hell. Don’t give up hope. Listen to these videos, and try and do a meditation every day with headphones. I know how hopeless it seems when you’re in the fire. If you could even calm yourself for ten minutes a day in meditation, it will start a miracle for you. I will also include you in my meditation that you will soon be free 🌷
@Diane Blank I am so sorry to hear about your situation. That is a terrible way to have to live. Are you still dependent on her physically and financially?
I’m telling you man
I have a narcissist brother. Cut the communication w him. Now he is targeting my sister, she’s vulnerable and an easy target. Narcissist people are very evil, self centered, heartless and has no empathy towards anyone. No one can reason out with a narcissist. They don’t accept reasoning, they don’t listen. For me, deleting them from my life works.
Yes. Its the only way to go. Wish we could put them all on an island.
Thanks for explaining how I got colon cancer with no risk or genetic factors.
I've heard that from a few older women around me that cancer seems to appear in ppl who are very suppressed and unable to voice their real feelings.
It's a possiblity.
“Full of criticism” - check. Mine considered “me not talking” equaled “getting along”. What a waste of a relationship. Suppressing my emotions made me sick (high cortisol levels) and health issues due to this.
A late in life divorce was a very hard decision, but it was the right one for my health 🙏🏻
good for you!! its really difficult to entangle long relationships but as another who experiencing the misery of high cortisol's effect on quality of life, I'm really inspired by your follow through i have long periods of being fearfully frozen
Congratulations! You won!
@@user-uh5tb9er4o I like your fearfully frozen analogy, might I suggest that you start seeing the fearfully frozen you as a delicious pie you have taken out of the freezer to thaw . When I was fearful I would do headless chicken stuff , taking on major projects , moving house ,driving miles and miles , meeting other fearful people, all calm now and all the meanies gone, best wishes on your journey.
It is such an incredibly tragic waste.
I remember when my dads narc wife spoiled our pregnancy announcement and when we tried to express our huge disapointment and frustration, i was told to "just sweep it under the rug"... he sounded paniced as if he was afraid of his wife. That spoke volumes.
As a 50 year old grown child of a narc mother I still don't know who I am because my sense of self was never allowed to develop when growing up. I had to suppress everything I was feeling and was told it was wrong. Not even allowed to cry if she hit me. I had to figure out day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute what she wanted me to be so I wouldn't be punished or rejected. So, you lose yourself and only exist to fullfill that parents needs
Same....it should be criminal!!!!!!
A survivor is who you are dear
@@markhaddad7118 ...yes, I agree, these narc parents should be in jail for child abuse and child neglect. My narc mother got a kick out of breaking me. It was as if she got a release as soon as I cracked and broke, as if she got a sick twisted satisfaction from me breaking, from the control she had, she wasn't happy until I was terrified. She threatened me, hit me, kicked me, told me I was ugly, withheld love and affection, if I was hungry or thirsty and asked for food or something to drink I was called greedy and was punished. I always feared her. She locked me into a dark attic as a small child with no light, just complete darkness. I screamed in fear in the darkness. She was unpredictive and could explode at any moment. As a child having to tip toe and walk on eggshells around a sick individual like they are is damaging the core of a child. I will never fully heal. I'm so sorry you have gone through the same. I know your pain
@@erinmcenroe6596 ...thank you
@@Asa-wv1zb if that evil person did not face prison in this life, I can assure you she will face it in the next.
I am so sorry you went through that. Sending healing prayers your way❤️🙏
People who have been abused reserve their emotions because they have learned its not safe to express oneself. I think narcissists know how to role play which makes them dangerous. I've seen narcissists charm the devil with their words. They know how to lie.
For many years I thought I was the problem because I could never get through to my narcissist, now Ex husband until I spoke to others who knew him before I did; After 50 years of marriage, nine of which I'm now separated, I still don't know him any better than when we met. Everything I did was criticized and scrutinized, and after going into therapy, I'm finally coming to terms with who I am, and not what he told me I was.
For some reason, my self blame and self hatred would come and go. Like, sure I'd be all negative on myself but then I'd hear a voice like "do you really feel that way about yourself?" then I'd shrug it off until the next narcissist rage fit.
It seems that for an awakened or awakening empath or narc victim, the phase where you take back your power and install boundaries is somewhat daunting as much as it is liberating. In some ways, you might actually feel like a narc yourself, because you find yourself withholding information, trying to draw the Narc out like they did to you for so long. Not to take advantage of them but to escape their control and power.
That's not narcissism. That's self love and self protection. It's not a bad thing!
@@wendi-bnkywuv I agree but I was just saying how it may feel like it through. I know I have felt that way and lately have been suspecting that I am actually a narc, not an empath or narc victim. I have been targeted many times. I guess I feel and look like one because I stand up for myself now. Or I am one. Gosh I hope not.
@@donmulder8061 I hope I didn't offend you in any way, and I hope I won't. If you have empathy for others and genuinely care about oehrs, you are not a narcissist. Narcissists *lack empathy* for others. That's how they can do the horrible things that they do. Standing up for yourself also does *not* make someone a narcissist. it may feel like it though because if you've been trained to suppress, standing up for ones self can be seen as selfish and thus, felt like a selfish act when in reality, it's just you defending yourself and getting stronger. In fact, that's one of the ways narcissists take away your sense of empowerment. is to make the victim feel like the narcissist.
When I was dating a narcissist after a while he would contradict EVERYTHING I said! It was really confusing because I was sound of mind and I wasn’t saying anything wrong or incorrect. And yes he was the COLDEST person I ever knew
I learned to never show weakness. That was his signal to attack. I got in the habit of taking myself for a car ride, crying my face off and returning all smiles. Even if my eyes were puffy and swollen if I made the rest of the evening all about him I wouldn't be attacked. I got so he could just go on about whatever, I just let him. He wasn't interested in my opinions or feelings anyways. That was my life. Never again.
This. My Mother passed when I was 15 & my malignant Narc Father amped up the emotional & psychological abuse. Add to that mix, two younger siblings that I had to care for (parentification), I was expected to fall in line & never express a divergent thought. I completely lost my identity & any spark of individuality I once possessed.
Yes ~ before you've even formed an identity they block the formation. The script is already written.
They give you a function that necessitates emotional and thought suppression. How are you supposed to evolve when you have to rush home to cook a three course meal, do dishes, vacuum, care for siblings, wash floors do laundry etc.????
Half the time did my homework on the bus!
I can relate ~ latch key kid responsible for younger siblings and crucial to the upkeep of the household. It's too much on any 12 year old. Cheers to you
@@marieldavison5121 Back atcha, 🤗.
I think you have your spark back now 🤗
@@amandaliverpool3374 Thnx, Luv!😊
You got it please. You said im back, please, thank ya, it sucks, i mean to tell ya ,i heard that, your identity our Doctor is, wonderful, im still finding peace with my community
Very suppressed here. There’s no discussion here, only ghosting and blame.
My experience with two narcissist parents ,it's like dealing with two evil robots downloaded with a complex program, designed to deny all the joys of the human existence. After decades of succeeding with their evil ambitions creating a toxic slurry of pollution they blame you.
You summed that up -🙈🙊🙉🐒❤️💯
Narcs are robots at devaluing, like - constant devaluing. They are so boring...
Wow. You just described my “life “ with two highly narcissistic parents. It was like dying a slow death in a prison. There was no joy, no happiness. They were like two evil bots devoid of real humanity. I hope hell is real.
This is wonderful and needs to be converted into a children's book.
that was really well described... the robot and complex programming is like a mesmerizing tragic riddle that i actually went to college to learn how to understand my childhood trauma now i know its preverbal and socialized and body based and thats why it was so difficult to tease out and treat BUT that constant trying to understand their drive or something in order to collaborate and always being the source of their overwhelm is not easy to recondition yourself away from but WE SURE CAN AND ARE!! hope the toxic slurry is diluting
After many years of being careful around a certain person, I shared one vulnerable thing about myself. Then I got a mini-lecture that basically amounted to”Grow up and get over it.” I will never share ANYTHING with her again as all the stuff from 50 years ago (contempt, devaluing, superiority) came rolling back over me.
Me too. Then my mom still says, "You never open up. You never tell me anything."
Yes, Mother, just as you taught me. She also never let us "hang on the phone." The result of that: "You never call me." That one really bit her in the butt.
This is life with ny spouse all too often. Sometimes daily.
Or wise they use it against you. God bless.
I have one of those too. My sympathies.
Yes, I called Dad on his abusing me, he expected me to not to bring it up again. He's pathetic!
Apropos of "proving it", my narc once actually said "It's hilarious to back you into a corner and watch you try to justify yourself."
Sick puppies indeed. I stopped trying to prove myself when I had cancer and showed the medical reports. My narc said that I forged those records……. When I made the biggest achievement in my entire life, my Marc was invited to graduation but for some reason, could not show up, decided I forged my certificates too. It’s an endless battle of prove yourself only to be denied of actual facts. I don’t justify myself to my narcs anymore. In fact, I am no contact . No contact other than a text here and there. I see through it. I live in peace and pray that by some miracle they see the truth. I’m not obsessed with it though.
I've seen pastors wives that suppress their emotions. I've known a couple of wives who are extremely giddy, happy all the time, 24/7, like to prevent going crazy they pretend like everything is a million percent perfect all the time and they're just always always happy.
You've become the healthy family I've never known.
Thanks for being a sound voice of reason and rationale.
same here! its like sunshine helping me feel warm and grow safely
So true
I share nothing now, tired of being criticized, I overheard him telling a family member that I’m dumb, know nothing, a real idiot. It hurt at the time but ever since I don’t share anything with him.
This exactly describes the dynamic. You sense that something is quite wrong but can't put your finger on it. After awhile it becomes impossible to keep trying to relate. I'm too persistent and wasted years. Won't make that mistake again.
I *wish* mine was a mistake...then again, I was an unplanned child, and I've suspected for YEARS my "mother" holds that against me as well. I have autism and symptoms of schizotypal personality disorder, but I think those traits allowed me to survive. I'm not her "perfect" child, but I am in the eyes of my imaginary mother, my real mother.
@@wendi-bnkywuv You were smart to find the silver lining!
@@Elizabeth-yg2mg I'm not even sure if it was anything to do with smarts. My imaginary friends would just...come to me out of nowhere, as if I was channeling. I'd hear words of wisdom and positivity, and sometimes even feel someone hugging me or giving me a kiss, laying next to me when there was no one there. i suspect it could have been my intuition manifesting in such a way so that it wouldn't seem so much like wishful thinking. Just shows that I may have great survival instincts and resilience.
The one thing that got me down ironically *wasn't* my "mother". It was the culture and society around me. With all of this talk of "everyone has good in them somewhere" and "well people just have issues and cannot be held responsible for their actions because they have mental illnesses". Or simply just "forgive and forget! You'll get over it! look on the bright side..." that is what made me hurt the most!
I had already accepted my "mother' was (and still is...) abusive even at a young age of 10 to 12!
@wendi-bnkywuv I'll have to try the imaginary friend thing. You sound pretty balanced and stable to me. I know what you mean about the sayings - those are painful to hear. Take care xxxooo!
@@Elizabeth-yg2mg Not saying that it work for you, but it might! Yes, at 35 I *still* have imaginary friends. Sometimes imaginary friends have been my only source for cmfort.
My narcissistic mother caused to me to not express myself to her or talk to her on any kind of meaningful level because she would tell me how wrong i was to feel or think that way. So I suppressed my feelings, but i always knew i was more adult than she and felt good about myself for knowing so.
You were the scapegoat right? We always piss off the narcissist.
lucky
Same here
I think having the built in knowledge of knowing we're valid is some kind of an evolutionary advancement for some. In my case, it also manifested in imaginary friends that took on "lives of their own" to the point mild hallucinations of being hugged, kissed and given a dose of healthy positivity and validation by them was commonplace, to the point I thought I had schizophrenia or that I was channeling. I was smart about staying quiet about this with my "mother". My psychologist even complemented it, saying how I had a nice little support group in my head.
I am so good at stuffing my true emotions. I am almost never vulnerable with anyone and expect almost nothing from relationships. Only through this learning do I realize why. Thank you 🙏 ❤
Thanks for sharing this. Best wishes as you continue figuring it out!
They act like they wanna be open. They spew every thought that comes to mind but it’s always self serving and putting you down. Again… my daily life.
When I started saying things like I don't have to explain anything to you I lost a lot of narcissistic friends.
When you start standing up for yourself being truthful and not being afraid of being truthful you become a different person you have more self respect and it gets easier with time
being honest has to happen to stay healthy i recently came to realize
@@user-uh5tb9er4o
Yes you don't want to lose your identity through lying and trying to please somebody else it's like Lying to make other people happier but the only person that we have to be accountable to is our heavenly father and we know that we should not lie because the father of the lie is satan so important To be honest in all things even if it means people will get mad at you you have to stand up for right because if you don't you fall for anything.
Not only is it important to be true to our heavenly father but it's important to be true to ourselves and to love ourselves and I don't mean in a selfish way that becomes narcissistic but even Jesus said you gotta love your neighbor as yourself so keeping that in mind we wouldn't allow anybody to abuse us swear at us Treat us like garbage because that's not allowing ourselves to be loved.
We all got a little boy or a little girl inside of us that were neglected at some point or by some parent or by somebody either by abuse or by neglect you name it there's always a little child in Las that we have to start loving. It's not easy especially if you're used to not getting the love that you needed as a youth. I'm not talking about you in particular I'm just talking about in general there's a lot of people out there that never got that little boy or little girl nourished with love. So now is the time to look in the mirror and say I'm sorry to that little boy or that little girl inside please forgive me for allowing people to treat you like garbage I will never ever do that again. I will protect you all the time. So I don't know if that's too much texting And I apologize if I said too much to you because who wants to read long emails and long messages but have a good day
Oh, I remember the suppression tactic so so well. Indeed one incident was actually the turning point or rather my boiling point (which l suppressed of course!). But generally that feeling like you’re constantly walking on eggshells around the narc for fear of unintentionally poking the bear, and was both potentially terrifying and emotionally and physically exhausting. It eventually took its toll on my health to the point it made me so stressed that my blood pressure was sky high and on one occasion I was close to a TIA (mini stroke). It was then I knew I had to protect myself with all the tools Dr Carter suggests. I went low to now no contact, grey walling and living my best life on my terms. So glad I don’t have to tiptoe around her or her nonsense anymore and my health has improved immeasurably too. Consider this a cautionary tale.
Hi Honor...your description here is why I so often repeat the notion...don't let a narcissist set your pace. I wish you continued success as you progress. I'm pulling for you!
Thanks Dr C! 🤗
💜
I've had people like that in my life. Thank goodness there are resources like this to help us deal with them and avoid them.
I was like that also when I was in my 20s all through my 30s had arthritis symptoms, pain in my hands, joints swollen. Then I went to see a therapist and of coarse my narcissists stop all the yelling and screaming because they didn't want to give me anything to work with or complain to the doctor about. Either way, after getting my story out, the arthritis symptoms have subsided. Makes me wonder how many people with ailments are actually living with narcissists and don't even know there s a connection.
What I noticed about constant blame shifting, criticism, and complaining about other people can wear on people's souls. It doesn't matter if it is homelife, dating, work, or other volunteer organizations it is not healthy or good for morale. Amazing how narcs see themselves or project they are perfect and everyone else is wrong.
My housemate, when I'm playing with my dogs, something he doesn't do, would always tell me snidely, "Take your meds!" I got him to stop saying it - but I later realized that the reason he said it was because I was having fun by myself, doing something he doesn't know how to do. And so he had to try and squelch my happiness, by trying making me think I should feel embarrassed to be playing and having fun.
Ar. Have no peace or happiness and are furious if you do. Ignore them and be happy.
You are so right , narcs hate to see you feeling joy. I learned to hide my joy or not talk about a happy event I'd experienced because the narcissist in my life would devalue or ruin it.
They don't experience much joy and are jealous of it.
You hit the nail on the head. Took me YEARS to realize this ! All the snide comments and belittling everything I did was just him needing to steal my joy and bring me down to his miserable level. Took a long Time, but now it’s so apparent and obvious that it’s (almost) laughable - except I’m still here 🙃🤦🏻😔
@@ele2051 Yes, I started doing that in early childhood! My older sister constantly needed to ridicule me, so I didn't dare share what I enjoyed, and I never brought friends over. My mom's tactic was to always bring up potential worries, the minute I mentioned having any success.
An ex, a fellow artist, mocked MY particular category of painting. And he actually bought paintings by another woman (the only paintings he ever bought while we were together), who had the gimmick of painting abstracts using her nipples as the "brush"; which was hilariously passive aggressive towards me, in retrospect! 🤣 I mean, seriously!
Because, he already used the tactic of manipulating me by seeming to be really interested in sex with me, but then withholding sex and intimacy if I responded to him. Possibly it was a form of gaslighting, to make me feel baffled and confused; and possibly he did it just to make me wonder if there was something wrong about me.
I'm sure that his criticism of my particular painting genre (realism), and his going out of his way to buy paintings by another woman who used a sexual gimmick to create abstracts, was all tied together with the weird withholding behavior. It would be difficult to make up a situation so ridiculous! Sheesh! 🙄
Really glad I said bye-bye to that guy, a long time ago. I've also gone gray rock with that older sister, too. It's no wonder that I've had such a long history of being a narc magnet; but I'm glad I'm learning how to change that.
@Leigh Ann Walters I'm glad for you. As they say, "Dance like nobody's watching!" People who discourage us from dancing and singing are sour and envious.
Btw, your name reminds me... Back when I was little, and my sister was in the local ballet company, the prima ballerina was a beautiful girl, named Leigh Ann.
Most ballerinas don't look as pretty close up, as they do on stage - but she did. I thought she was one of the the most beautiful girls I had ever seen, and that her dancing was amazing, and that Leigh Ann was the most beautiful name I had ever heard.
Wondering if this was the grey rock behavior I learned to use, years before I knew anything about narcissism. It became a self-preservation tactic.
Same. Many years of "notes to self" re: DO NOT SHARE successes, things that made me happy, made me laugh, etc. Punishment was swift & nasty.
Absolutely. Their silent treatment and other tactics bring my “grey rock”. This is a regular occurrence and it can last for many weeks. Nonsensical.
@@mr.cardinal9182 That sure is the truth. We have to lessen our smile and our accomplishments better stay small. They are literally in mourning at our success or our kids success.
@@tbunnyshy1 yah... I didn't know what it was or why it happened, it made NO SENSE. That's why I had a lot of notes to self, lol. The excuses for the bad behavior were varied, and I had no idea that my eventual changed behavior actually had a name. It took me 30 years to find out.😒
@@mr.cardinal9182 Narcs: Anything you say or don't say can and will be used against you in the court of public opinion.
"Prove it!" I spent so much time to prove what my narc ex did, as months later he refused what happened even though in the moment of the event he already apologized.
When someone shows you they only care about themselves, believe them.
This is a huge piece for me. It has really defined the majority of my life. Very early on I learned to hide my feelings and as an internalizer, I suffered from depression as a kid from holding so much anger & sadness over injustices in.
I believe mine wakes up each day thinking what he can say and do to take further advantage of me. Setting boundaries is a joke. Trying to understand him causes angry outbursts. Suggestions to better our relationship are ignored. So I block his negativity and plan my happy getaway from him. Thank you Dr.Carter for speaking on this important issue 👏
how is the plan coming? no further advantage taken of you you got this!
@@user-uh5tb9er4oI am living separated from him but have to get together with our son. Yesterday he complained and was negative. I immediately changed the topic to our car being repaired since he smashed into a wall while making a turn. I prefer to solve our own problems rather than criticizing political parties, their leaders and me and our son. Thank you so much for asking how it's going. Hope all is well with you and your family!
My ex is the KING of “Prove it.” It used to make me feel like a crazy person. He was almost proud of his constant lies and manipulations whenever he said that.
Blame-shifting; crazy attacks on me for being excruciatingly "careful" in my words; knowing how hyper-critical the n had become - it all became too much. having a phone conversation was just not easy, light, nor fun. a smelly suppression blowout did finally happen. Thankfully I finally have the wisdom to just leave the fragments were they fell. snipped the line, and freed myself.
Reading down the page, your comment stood out. I'm 7 months into what I now realise is a "relationship" with a Narc. I am also "excruciatingly careful" with my words! I need to be, because if I'm not, all kinds of Hell rains down on me. I realise I've been clinging onto this destructive person because at times he is amazingly attentive, charming etc. Whilst the relationship started and was only by phone for months, the abuse was bad enough. However, recently I lost my best friend (my dog Ruby) after 15 years. He insisted on coming to stay with me, to help me through it. However, since he's been here I've been unable to grieve because of all the treading on eggshells and upset he's caused. I hadn't realised he's addicted to Cannabis and that has been a major issue too. Before he arrived I was solvent and had a good lifestyle, now I'm broke all the time because he needs this or that. I now have a major medical issue to deal with and am so frightened of what's to come, I'm even considering whether to tell him to go or if I should let him stay because, isn't it better to not be alone now than to get get shot and have nobody? Deep down I know what I have to do but I feel like I'm addicted to him and every time I think I have the strength to ask him to leave, he seems to reactivate the charm and I end up doubting myself and whether he truly is a narcissist. I pray I find the same strength that you have and am able to free myself from this toxic relationship, but at the moment I'm so frightened of being on my own again, I worry that I won't.
@@joannegreaves1310 This is so sad to read, Joanne. I pray you will take the steps to get "yourself" back. Their charm is superficial, insincere and a means to control. Those eggshells you are tiptoeing become shards of glass, with time. That is a minefield of stress that is not healthy; and you need your reserves to manage your medical issue. You need your peace. I was so elated when I finally was alone and not disappointing that person each day by merely being myself; it is a very healthy beginning. Sorry your Ruby has gone the rainbow trail; but you really don't need a companion who is draining you. I pray you have family or a friend that you can recruit to stand with you as you make your decision - for your best good. prayers for you, thanks for sharing. This forum and these videos are wonderful support.
This video title caught my attention. I never learned to laugh, love, or open up. It was insults or how stupid I was. Didn’t dare say or do much against their wishes cuz I was threatened I’d be gotten rid of to a boys ranch or given to the military or thrown out on the street. Id hear something funny and I’d do anything not to laugh or smile. Something sad happened and I wouldn’t cry or show sadness. Everything had to be run past them first or the consequences could be severe. Didn’t want to get hit either. When I did get hit I was told I did it to myself. Could never sleep and got yelled at for that too when I asked for help. I hope anyone being treated like this leaves. The earlier the better. I hung on for decades. No one deserves to be treated like this……..😭😭😭
It's almost as if they're trying to secretly murder us without using a weapon. Many creatures can die from stress and sleep deprivation and not venting emotions. I hope you're doing better, or will in the future.
My Mother was a Narcissist..one of the first things I was told in a Therapy group was that members experienced me as shallow.. No..I was trained to suppress.. I also was depressed..maybe it's not depression but suppression. What do other people think? I've worked hard to overcome my childhood and I'm still learning.
I’m very guarded with people. They pick up on that. Interestingly, I’ve been called stuck-up and haughty and such ideas. That’s just hilarious to me and so wrong. I learned as a very young child to hide in plain sight. That’s what people are seeing.
yes!!! its suppression then depression i was raised by two narcissists and at 47 yo moved home for 1 year i had healed and developed healthy habits and ways of relating a few months into living here, i could feel the old ways of being coming to the surface bc they were responding to my parents way so relating. i intentionally suppressed out of self preservation and bc i moved home to help care for my mom in hospice but as a result it was like i got to witness myself and what i lived within growing up and how it shaped me through not cultivating safe loving communication, etc. so yes, i felt myself get muscle tension, racing heart, selling myself out, losing opportunities, not being authentic, not feeling safe, not sleeping, feeling like i was going to jump out of my skin and the whole time i was realizing probably depression comes from being trapped in relationship dynamics (as children essentially are) that suppress us in a variety of ways wish my words were coming out more clearly but i want to convey that i agree with you i think youre onto something important in finding the source of depression wishing you deep healing!
Wow, this struck close to home for me. Coming from two narcissistic parents, I had so many things I needed to learn, like How to Be Human 101. I literally had to learn how to think about other people, how to ask them how they were doing, listen to the answer, and remember for the next time we talked. The feedback was painful and changing was a lot of hard work but so worth it. On the other hand, groups can be hierarchical, with everybody jumping on the bandwagon to give feedback in a way that is almost like a mob. I hope you have a one-on-one counselor that can help you with the group feedback. Here's the most important thing I could give you. YOU are not a bad person, you just have some habits and characteristics that don't work very well (along with every single person on the planet). You're way ahead of everyone else who is not even trying to heal. Hang in there!
From what Dr Carter says, it could be suppression leading to depression. (So both of them.) Regarding the 'shallow' comment, sometimes we 'cold' and 'shallow' people can turn out to be decent friends to those who take the time to get to know us...
Any friendships with a narcissist 💯will always end with our death by a thousand cuts just learn too dispose off them
Suppression is the perfect word for how I was treated my whole 18 years, until I left home. If I was "fire", she was "water". I felt the dousing of my thoughts and feelings and ended up unable to converse when I was 18. Great healing came with finding God and applying scriptures to my life. Now, even more healing with this Doctor and his wisdom. My folks are long gone, but this greatly helps even after so many years. I used to wonder, "What was all that about?" Now I know.....Narcissism. Thanks Doc!
Erase the narcs from your mind. Fill your mind with gritty thoughts that support you. Repeat! Practice self-supporting thinking at all times. Nothing helped me with narcs. Speaking up and protecting my emotions changed their behavior towards me. You have to be confident and convinced you are doing what's right for you, or it will not work.
When my kids were young they had a babysitter who was a nice, pleasant woman but the day came when she just exploded in anger at me for never bringing snacks. She might of mentioned snacks before but I kept forgetting. I ended up never taking my kids back there again.
The ones I've had to deal with were "the quiet type". With the parents, got beat or called a POS for any opposition. Ended up dating and marrying/divorcing what was familiar, thus continuing the cycle. Found out that people like them look for people like us, we are targets. Lived my entire life put down and ridiculed. Learned to defend myself and was told they were tired of my f-ing mouth. Now in therapy and unlearning the bad behaviors, learning that it's okay to defend myself, but be honest (no perceptions, stick to facts and state "I feel") and keep the emotions under control (that's difficult, but they want you to spiral out so they can say your crazy, out of control). Try to grey rock, but don't suppress. You have the right to feel upset or angry, defend yourself, but don't sink to their level. They don't want the truth out there. They don't want to believe they are wrong in their actions. And they don't want to give up their percieved control. I am a work in progress.
P.s.- give it 24 hrs. Someone will spam my comment.
Well said! I can relate to all of this!
Wonderful (your smart challenging and advice)! Onwards & upwards 🧡
I admire your dedication to yourself.
Very well said! Thank you!
They don't want the truth. ❤️
The narcissist in my life tackled me, broke my ribs and then started calling ME a "delicate flower." He tried to blame ME for his behavior. Unfortunately for him, when he broke my bones, my eyes were opened. I finally saw what a monster he was and couldn't unsee it.
He is now in my rearview mirror.
Thank you Dr. C....... and Gus.
I *wish* my "mother" would physically hurt me so that I could have her arrested and put in jail where she belongs. People such as this should *not* be allowed to walk the streets happy and free. To think in hunter gatherer times, people like this were killed and mocked! Now it's the opposite.
Sometimes calling out the narcissist's behavior not in an attack, but as "show and tell," can throw them off balance. Saying things like "What is it that you see that you say I'm being selfish?" "Why do you think it's OK to constantly be calling me?" "Why do you always criticize your brother, when he's not even in your life?" Holding up the bad behavior so he must respond to it at least shines a spotlight on it as it occurs. They may get angry as a defense or even swing their guns around at you to deflect the focus, but if it is done consistently and without malice, they will at least have to ask themselves those questions. Not only that, but they HATE to be held accountable, and if they feel their put-downs will bring on scrutiny, they may be less tempted to go there. I have to try this out more on the one I know.
Just politly asking them to repeat what they said word for word in front of others also does the trick because it gives them no way out. If they just say that they can't remember what they said 20 seconds ago or they actually do repeat their crazy talk- either way, they're getting exposed.
Surely Gus does not need to be dragged into this! In all seriousness, I think that now I have listened to your course "This is Me" 100 times now. Thanks a million. It has helped me tremendously.
Glad the course helped!!
It is vital to discern who your safe people are and disclose your emotions and vulnerabilities to them only. We should be wise and discerning who we allow into our inner circle. Thank you dr Carter. God bless you❤
You and your sidekick, Gus, have been more help and support than I can express. Thank you!
I thank you, and Gus thanks you!
Gus is the real deal :)
@@annewrites...8385 Guy is the Strong Silent type!
LoLoL 🤣
It made me laugh when you said the narcissists have "nefarious schemes". You and Gus are so nice to be with.
Schemers big time, so damn dishonest
The invalidation was common with me. Then they complain that I don't validate them enough!
Thanks for talking on this topic. I’ve been so closed off since ending a terrible toxic friendship with someone I think was a narcissist. They would minimize any feelings I expressed as less important than theirs and exploit any vulnerabilities I revealed to manipulate me. I’m still learning how to trust people again with my feelings and vulnerabilities. Sometimes it feels so much easier to keep it all hidden and not take the risk
You're doing great! It takes time to get yourself out there again and trust. Be patient with yourself, keep educating yourself on red flags, work on boundaries and you'll be able to start picking out who is safe and who isn't. And remember you can WALK at any moment if a flag appears!! ❤
Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of her law where she sits as the judge and jury.
My trash in the bag finally split open after 26 years! Constant invalidation to the point where there were many times I'd say something and she would contradict with a "no" then you could see the wheels in her mind spinning to find an opinion that will top mine and criticize it. It reached a point where a simple question like "how was your day " is answered with just "good" and no more. And yes, there is a big difference between asking a question and questioning. Thanks again, Dr. C for the inside scoop you got on my life without even having met me!👍🏻
I am nearly three years out of a toxic, codependent relationship with my ex-husband and the clan of narcissists from which he sprung. The number of these videos I have watched and the amount of therapy I have done have both brought to a place of healing, but it has taken completely excising them from my life to get me here. For those of you who are not as far along in the journey toward recovery, please remember what worthy and strong people you are.
❤
She was full of criticism and anger for everyone, and often discouraged anything I showed her or made for her. I witnessed her get into arguments with her fiance over absolutely nothing, and brag about saying horrible stuff online to "win" an argument in entirely inappropriate situations. I need to remember so that I don't keep thinking, "what if she was right about me? What if I'm the problem?" And I need to trust my other friends, because they show nothing like that attitude toward me.
Not being genuine - except for their lack of interest 🤔
Suppress emotions: blood pressure reacts, or perhaps intestinal issues develop…
Dr Carter you have helped me escape from a narcissist I have been listening to you for 2 years and man you have been my guardian angel and I am free and it took me a year to plan that and it worked and I did not lose anything but them and that is a blessing ….. Thank you so much. Thank you for the knowledge . So Big Hugs to you 🤗🤗
So pleased for you, Barb!
Man, this reminds me of living in my parents' house--how did I survive? Somewhere (not at home) I learned to become an independent-thinking, open person anyway.
I suspect that some people are born with such capacity.
They want to know how much information they actually need about you without asking too much about you and seeming interested, to throw you crumbs when you decide to leave
After 7-10 years of working with an OCPD/Narcissist I am finally becoming myself again, and it feels great. Grey Rocking has turned into an instantly accessible set of tools for me. I still work with them because I am advanced in my career and haven't found an equitable pivot and I'm overqualified for most available openings in my field. I don't bother informing him on anything in real detail. I play dumb to his supply seeking goose chases, while being nice enough to not stick out like I'm the problem. Which I am NOT the problem. I now see the panic and fear in his personality, and it is also not my problem. I take no satisfaction in his suffering, but I am the one in therapy, on meds, being a healthy person, and focusing on the value I bring to my entire community. I LOVE my life and my job right now. It's not my job to flail around trying to please a person that won't work on themselves to become healthier.
Those last two sentences. Yes!
Sounds spot on… ended up in therapy thinking I was the problem!
Filed for divorce and fighting back is one thing they do not like
I was doing genealogical research recently when I came across a census record from my Nmom's youth that surprised me. It indicated that she and her family lived in a circumstance of extreme hardship and poverty. I'd had no idea. When I told my mom about my finding she was defensive at first but eventually opened about it. If I'd have understood the reality of her upbringing, she would've made so much more sense to me over the years. The dots just never connected but they do now. It's positively tragic that some people feel they need to lock the truth of themselves away, even from family.
That's a perfect illustration for the fear-based pattern that grips a narcissist.
I may in the minority, but I'm not so sure that is truly a narcissist, or narcissistic personality disorder. That sounds more like an extreme defense mechanism. According to what I've come across, someone who is true narcissist can*not* self reflect. They literally lack that ability. They can*not* be reasoned with.
My brother in law actually said to me, 20 minutes after my marriage break up, that I had to learn to hold my emotions in. It's a shame he never heeded his own advice.
My life experiences have been incredible. I am not happy to talk about them because they will be used against me. Even small things are used against me. These amazing things I have witnessed are there to make me look stupid
i believe i can relate sometimes i catch myself wondering why wouldn't my dad want to get to know me and like me
I've had plenty of cornering questions from the narcissist, and it's patently obvious what her intentions are. I respond with a "grey rock" statement which works most of the time.
Everything you're saying now is what I'm doing.. I'm not the narcissist, I'm grey rocking and I'm trying to not give him the attention he seeks
Yup, I greyrock because when I talk I am criticized every time. She hates it and I refuse to give her more fuel. I'll be moving out soon.
As an adolescent, I got hit by my narc dad if I expressed an opinion different from his. My mother, too, received that treatment when she spoke up. I basically hid in my room for most of my teen years until I could escape at 18. Of course I ended up with a narc husband who belittled me, discounted my opinions, and blamed all of our problems on me. "You have a big mouth." and "I'm tired of you mouthing off to me" were his go to comments. I'm out of there, on my own, with divorce pending. The problem is that I'm afraid to ever date again for fear of getting entangled with another narc. They are so slick. Dr. C., maybe you could address this in your next Midweek show. How does one move forward after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse and ever find a relationship with someone who genuinely loves them?
Natalie - I agree & understand being "on guard" and cautious. I'm 72. BUT their "M.O." is that they are very good chameleons and wear very clever masks. IT NEVER STOPS even if you are retired in your 60s, 70s, 80's and involved at the Senior Citizens Center or church... I sometimes see not big red flags, but little pink flags b/c they are SO CLEVER. You KNOW something is not right with them at first, and you are suspicious as you try to put your finger on what is going on ... After a while the little pink 💗 flags start slowly turning a deeper color until they are full blown red... . A disappointment when their mask slips, you see their true color, and you had hopes that you might have met a genuine healthy nice person. Oh well - at least I am awake now & SEE them for what they are: wolves in Sheep's Clothing. Academy Award winning MASTER ACTORS.
By using Dr Cs many posts on improving your own boundaries, recognizing narcissists more quickly, and taking time with a therapist if possible to address past trauma so you can be a healthy partner.
there is a process (routes) to follow to recondition your habits of relating to self and others. therapy is a great place to start and then integrate other forms of healing and relationship building therapy is beneficial bc its evidene based and provides psychoeducation and skills; as well as a place to process emotions/thoughts/experiences and be in relationship with a compassionate witness that you have mutual trust and respect with... im so mad on your behalf that you had to hole up in your room as a teenager. that type of parental abuse makes me livid i hope you get to do tons of fun, creativce and spontaneous things for the rest of your life
@@user-uh5tb9er4o That type of parental abuse should be *illegal* even if it it just emotional and psychological abuse. But it only counts if you have a black eye and welts...
I'm glad you made the distinction between suppression and good discernment. This helps me differentiate what I thought was just negative suppression, but I realized I do a pretty god job withholding what would not serve me in a direct conflict. I will never change this person or make him feel compassionate for me when compassion is what I'm looking for in the exchange. There is no purpose in fighting for your needs when you have it in you to fulfill these needs yourself. Compassion has a lot of expressions. Sometimes it means taking a stand, sometimes it can mean to realize your own ability to give you what you expect from the other person.
This is the most unhealthy I have ever been in my life. My blood pressure is a problem now, having heart problems, i have 3 sleep disorders now. These people are so toxic. I was so naive.