Ep. 39 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave by discussing Bert's drinking the night before, during which he sent text messages to Tom and Nadav about the 1972 Miami Dolphins. This prompts a conversation about the best NFL teams of all time. They then discuss Shaq and Charles Barkley's bench press contest, Charles Haley, Nick Cannon's recent controversy, Will and Jada Pinkett Smith's Red Table Talk, the celebrity "Responsibility" video, and what celebrities Bert is more famous than.
yourmomshousepo...
www.merchmethod...
/ yourmomshousepodcast
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“The Washington R-words” is the funniest thing bert ever said
That would be perfect. Take the logo off the helmet....just go plain like the browns.....and call themselves the R words. Would immediately be my new team. And play clips of Forrest gump on the jumbo tron between every play.
Pardon my take been saying “r-words” for like 2 years now
@@BahamaBoyz PFT particularly
Bahama Boyz shit, more like 4 but I was waiting for this comment. Lol good call.
Omg this is the funniest thing you said you got less then 100 likes... Good job.
I like how they don't even know Barkely's weights were actually foam plates, and it was a joke.
That old man?! 405? Yall should be ashamed lol
Cause Bert doesn’t do any investigating after seeing or reading shit. Then proceeds to talk about it like gospel haha
If there is someone who would be fooled by that shit, even after they revealed the joke in the video, it's Bert.
Drove me crazy the whole time lol
Jake Peters Same, man, same. Clearly Shaq would be able to bench more than Barkley.
there are these amazing moments where Bert says something, and then the shot switches to Tom and he has that look of utter disbelief in whatever it was he just heard
I love how Bert puts all of his family business out there, but he gets upset when his family does it. Damn Bert, you have got to be kidding me.
well yea. he's a hypocritical narcissist.
It's in line with his character 😅
He literally makes them be okay with it cause he’s the breadwinner and you can tell when his wife talks that’s he gives her a lot of shit when she even agrees with something someone says about him
Yeah, cause they’re stealing his content! Hahahahaha
@@franktavarez6765 lol
Bert googling his fame is one of the most Burt things Bart has done.
Uh 100%
May have spelled his name wrong
This comment is so underrated! Lmao
Brandon Shock yea its spelt Burnt Chrysler
“Had a wine.” = Had a bottle of wine in “bert talk”
Same
Bert used to drink a box of wine
*box
Bert- " anyone who eats ice cream is out of control!"
Also Bert - "drinks 2 gallons of kool-aid and doesn't shower"
"had a couple beers" = 6 - 8 beers
Bert tells us about the book he's reading(listening to): "It's called Conquerors: How the Portuguese...how port...how Portugal....it's called Conquerors.
Bert legit reminds me of one of Tom’s old jokes in how small children tell the absolute worst stories alive. Bert just jumps around from half-attempted word to the next, just hoping to land somewhere.
@Your Comment Changes Nothing Bert is a moron who can't talk without a script.
When I heard that, it reminded me of “Two Brothers” from Rick and Morty. Sometimes Bert talks like he’s on Interdimensional Cable.
Yea, don't tell them what the haitians did to the french.
Tom and Bert are shitting on white people because it's easy and promoted by the mainstream
@YungSumGuy OyVey, I guess I asked myself
Best part of my Monday .. along with “Bad Friends!”
Bill burrs mmpc!
And then there is always the Tuesday blues until Wednesday.
@@josephkeefer4865 burrs podcast is trash
I was just thinking wow good Monday
Billy "Red Pube's"
Monday Morning Podcast
“I’ve seen a lot of bad things and they’ve all made me come” is my new favorite quote ever
Bert: "I dont want my kids to talk about my personal life on a podcast"
Also Bert: *talks about daughter's period party on live TV and comedy special*
He’s really starting to bother me
@@haileygreer93 Probably best not to consume and support his comedy/brand then.
@@haileygreer93 he's too fascinating to look away tho
Bert: ‘72 Dolphins are a fluke. Any team can do that.
Tom: But they didn’t.
😂
Who we talking? Tom segura or tom Brady?
Vincent Hucknall Brady after the ‘07 season
Time stamp?
He’s not wrong tho, ‘85 Bears would have taken that title from them if McMahon wasn’t such a pussy.
And they’re a better team.
Bert is such an idiot.
I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life. That little four-year-old is definitely Tom’s son.
I genuinely will not be surprised if he murders someone in the future
Can't wait to find out how Bart justifies his alcoholism this week
switched koolaid for titos mix, its healthy.
its whats plants crave!!!
He ran four miles dood!! It cancels out
okay, he switched to "fit wine"... so its healthy i guess :D
He hasn’t drank in 6 months
@@canoalbert8194 Absolutely nobody believes that
Tom: I'm uncomfortable that my 4 year old son is into watching videos where snakes eat other animals.
Also Tom: Hey come check out this hilarious video where a guy gets impaled through the chest by a lead pipe.
Yeah, wonder where his son's interests come from...
That isn't how things work lol
@@FlyQWanderer you know Adam you know the vast intricacies and understand the gray area of genealogy and environment influences on the persons personality do you Adam do you
I want Washington R-Words merch. Shirts, posters, all of it, but if you're out of posters I'll take a mouse pad. Piss on me beat me.
"Never heard of American Horror Story."
It's whats currently going on in your digestive tract Burnt.
I bet Bert shits out better food than you take in
@@carynmartin6053 I bet my shyte smells better then Bert does after a pool shower.
@@carynmartin6053 either way it would be a great meal for Norm
@z z that is awesome. He seems like a great guy.
@z z Used to live in Airdrie. Wish I had met him.
"The Washington R-words" I laughed so hard...
"I'm not saying I didn't want to be a dad but I wanted a career more" BErT KrEiSchHLER FAtTEr oF tHe YeAR
You sound like a whiny baby
@@billz05183 Elaborate?
That's not what he meant. He meant he wanted to be further along first atleast
Sounds like someone needs to get milked. Are you angry ball hog?
@@qwerty4134 right. There's nothing wrong with wanting the means to provide for your family before you start a family.
"I guess we're gonna have 5 cars, because we don't wanna look rich" 😂😂😂
Bert is actually becoming more shallow - quite an achievment considering his starting point
But he bought a black guy's jersey!
He is an absolute beating to listen to. I don't dislike anyone more than Bert.
shanefoster333 Yet here you are
@@shanefoster333 As you listen to him. Hypocrisy is one of the worst human traits.
@@robertschmidt3196 Tom is my second favorite podcaster. I listen to everything he does, and unfortunately, this just happens to have captain clown shoes wheeze-laughing the majority of the time.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder.....
Disturbing thing,He would probably be happy being a highly famous comedian than being the funniest comedian.
"When I'm serious, it's funnier than when I'm trying to be funny." -Burp Kremshaw
I agree wholeheartedly
“we got some beer you should have one”
Tom and Burt are worse Bad Friends than Andrew and Bobby lmao
Lmao literally encouraging his drinking problem
16:30 did bert watch the whole thing? they used real plates for shaq and fake ones for barkley to prank shaq, at the end they throw one of barkley fake ones at shaq
I watched that video years ago!... Today I learned they are fake plates... I trust no one 😖
Typical racist mistake from Burnt
You think Bert watches more than 10 seconds of something before jumping to conclusion? He makes up his own memories. Most competitions on Inside the NBA have something rigged in it so clearly Bert never watches.
I know he’s so r worded
I like how Bert has never heard of American Horror Story when he just is one.
Factsssssss
Hahaha nice
Tom’s face when Bert says “by any stretch of means” in the first 3 mins.
😂😂😂😂
Bert believing Charles Barkley benched 405 is the equivalent of me believing Bert doesn’t smell like death
I was watching my favorite commercials and 2 Bears 1 Cave started playing
Who else walks around the house randomly singing «Nadav is googeling»
Me dood
It really gets stuck in your head doesn't it? I've only heard it twice now and I still find myself singing it. Lmao
everytime I see a post about that damn song I smile
"googling" you mean?
This comment EVERY episode
What got me with Nick Cannon was he didn't just talk like a racist....he talked like a racist 150 years ago haha. He sounded like Leonardo DiCaprio in Django.
Bert complaining about what his wife is saying about him on her podcast as if he hasn't said the complete worst shit about his whole family for years to millions of strangers
Tom such a good friend for offering to drive bert home if he wants to drink. Tom is such a nice guy.
He just wanted to see him drunk lol
he just want's a reason to show off his ride
"we are gonna have 5 cars, because we dont want to look rich" might be the funniest single joke in the podcasts history
For a dude with a million mental hiccups and worries about his own image and life, it’s hilarious that he disregards his own kids desire not to be ridiculed by their classmates for appearing as a spoiled kid.
2 Bears 1 Cave, The Church of What's Happening Now, and Bad Friends! A TREMENDOUS Monday!!!
Anyone else not buying that Bert has 6 and a half inches? He’s got like 5 max
5 inches looks like 9 inches when its going in a chihuahua
Matt Hardman-Zimmerman that is the best fucking reply I’ve ever read
Legendary reply
I don't wanna think about it, let his wife deal with that
im sure thats the one thing hes being totally honest about
"How many beers?" "I don't know, 4-6, they come in packs of 4." Okay so definitely at least 8 beers.
bert slowly losing the enthusiasm in his voice as he concentrates on reading the ad is so good.
You put it into words😂😂😂
You listen to that?
finding every little thing to critique Bert on is so good
DNYG hey, buddy, it’s a comedy podcast.
zeranzeran I agree with you but they do offer a paid channel membership that includes ad free ymh episodes that are also a day early but it isn’t the same for all shows on the channel. I agree that ads blow
Lol the person whos name they bleeped out was Bobby lee and he's said that story openly
Time stamp plz
Lmao holy shit
Time stamp
Yup lol
He did it to Steve Byrne , Jesus Trejo and somebody else, forgot who.
I'd pay money to see a podcast where bert and Tom legit do lines of coke. Talk about an interesting discussion right there.
Jesus Burnt Crystals on coke would be a frigging nightmare
Bert turned me off the podcast at around ep20, not even that could bring me back 😂 Bert is annoying as it is
The Many-Faced God haven’t watched any since ep 20, I just like the comments. guess you can’t read considering I said I haven’t watched
@@jamieissorry99 yet here you are
SL33PY this is a terrible idea they should make happen.
Bert "I tell a joke about my daughter's first period on Netflix, but please don't put out a podcast about how my daughter's don't like that I wear speedo's" Kreischer
He's the absolute worst trash bag of a human.
The second half of this felt like a Bert therapy session. Tom is showing Jedi level patience in this episode!
I really enjoyed this one, Bert didn’t talk over Tom the whole time and the conversational ratio was nice, and NADAV IS BACK!
Same. Bert didn't piss me off this time. No forced Nadav drama. Tom spoke when he wanted to. Covered a range of topics. (Wish Tom & Bert wouldn't pull out their phones so much though.)
I want a "Washington R-words" T-shirt, that joke landed well.
Besides the fact that there is alcohol in Burnt's system right now, he's practically been sober a decade.... Besides last night.
;)
If you only count the times he doesn't drink, technically he has never even had a drink.
This IS the best statement of his rationale. 😂
I’m amazed every time Bert successfully gets through a Ad read. It’s the equivalent of the Ape who can use sign language to communicate
I feel like Bert makes Tom gut laugh while having absolutely no clue WHY Tom is laughing so hard
It always seems like he just starts laughing when Tom does... when he has no idea why Tom is laughing lmao
That’s what good friends do
I disagree. I think he's usually more self-aware than he lets on
@@derrekgillespie413 Exactly. They're good friends, they know what kind of conversations are most appealing to them.
@@derrekgillespie413 maybe
"if you wanna study history..." says someone whos never studied history
Pretty much a pattern with bert
Niether of them have. Clearly. 😂
“I’m back to toilet paper now...”
- Bert krochler
Barnd kragler
Bartholomew KoolAid
Beast Kochsucker
Born Cuckold
"I misspelled Bark's name" -
Every YMH Fan
Oh he’s 7’1” so he is a few inches taller than James Brown
On his mommas shoulders
11 inches James brown was 6 foot I'll die by that
He’s 3 inches taller than James brown.
I noticed my hair was thinning and wanted to do something about it so I contacted for ForHims. Turns out, not only am I balding but I also suffer from being Canadian as they do not ship here
No need for hair, you guys have those goofy ass hats up there
Travis you mean a beanie that everywhere else in the word has?
Dylan Todd well aware bud, but the Americans don’t know. I’m living in Alberta rn from NL
Jamie Tuttauk
world*
dukstedi ! thanks dad
Next week (Bert): Oh I didn’t need to brush this morning I just had mint chocolate chip ice cream
"I've only seen Aaron Paul in one thing"
Aaron Paul - *literally in a movie that was based on Bert's College lifestyle.*
Branden VanTil - Bert claims that he’s never seen it! I think he watches it every night then falls asleep fantasising about being best friends with Ryan Reynolds.
@@sweetbabyrick5382 Let me tell you why he's not seen it and I believe it and have heard this form someone who would know... Burt has been saying Van Wilder was about him.... for 2 decades... when you actually watch the movie... the only thing that lines up... is that the character didn't graduate on-time... Burt knows it's not really about him... influenced by the story, but not actually HIS LIFE... The main character barely drinks, dad's a famous Politician, the character is not at all a goof or the joke of the party, rather the brains behind the party... is wildly popular.... not just party popular... etc... do you really want to watch it knowing this and it's thee story you embellished more than any.... nah better not knowing...
@@auteur3779 the reason for that is the many many rewrites that script went through. The original idea came after his RS article but the finished product was what it was.
As far as bert not watching it...not likely
@@winkweindel Yeah, Wink, agree I was going to come back and edit if came across wrong but I don't disagree in any way that Burt and the article was the influence. No, just pointing out how little the "orginal" influencer made it on screen and that's why he say's he hasn't seen it... I'll only suggest he maybe really didn't if did know about the final version... if he didn't, he def watched. Burt is more cunning than he leads on and I think he knows if he says yes then people will ask which scenes he remembers doing in real life... there is like no scenes from his actual life if what I know is true about the re-writes and you point out. The only thing left over was the not-graduating for years and throwing big parties... that's it. Pretty Thin. lol
I want Washington R-words merch more than anything in the world
Every week Bert amazes me with how little he knows. He's almost 50...
His first sentence was "did you hear about the boy who rescued his daughter... sister... dog"
Bert talks about his daughters periods to the entire world, they do a podcast saying they don’t like him wearing speedos and he melts down. 😂 Don’t dish it if you can’t take it baby.
Essentially said “I don’t care if I make them uncomfortable. I’m not changing. But also how dare they have an opinion”
I love how Bert got mad at his wife for talking about him but as a comedian they all literally tell embarrassing and crazy stories about their families for a career. I mean the minute after he starts complaining he goes into a story revealing some stuff his wife and his kids probably wouldn’t like to be aired.
The amount of ads I got during this episode was unbelievable.
Some would say unacceptable
adblock is a wonderful thing
5 ads in, and I hate it so much that I looked for a comment like this
You can see they've put most of them towards the beginning - 8 (EIGHT) in the first 20 mins.
Same, had to stop watching. Way too many ads. I get they’re trying to maximize their profits but this is ridiculous
"Im not laughing at this kid at all by any stretch of the means" - Brat Kratzels (by any stretch of the means?) wut?
What he was trying to say was by any means and stretch of the imagination this kid sucks.
World in the what?
Nightmeers and suupposbly.
I literally thought the same exact thing. It's any stretch of the imagination.
@@joescarborough8434 ..chill-bumps
Oh nice! Tom let Nadav out of the dungeon for this one. I like that.
He does really physical producing.
I really like that
Stop crying.
Let the conversation begin
Tom gave Bert the same feeling of joy with his stories that Bert gave Tom with the Kool Aid in this episode. Bert has to hear more stories.
Bert - “I feel like tethered to Nick Cannon in a weird way”.... Bert uses the 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon to connect himself to anyone famous to try and make himself sound more famous
Remember when he was talking to Adam Sandler during that live comedy fundraiser thing? LOL
Bert knocks down the Kool Aid man’s wall
The best,,,
That would be a great shirt
A cartoon of kool-aid knocking the machine over, would be so funny
“Sweeter than sour sauce” I need this on a shirt 😂😂😂
Bert just now finding out that "teen" porn isn't actually young teenagers is surprisingly not shocking after everything else we've found out he doesn't know.
Not as shocking as believing they’re all adults 😂.
They should do a segment where they find obvious common sense things that Bert should know but doesn't
He has nightmeers about it
He never ever said that
@@qwerty4134 Watch it again. Bert looks surprised or shocked when told they're not actually teens. He's been going through life thinking PornHub is showing blatant kiddie porn
New drinking game: drink whenever Bert says "cancel culture"
Dude is a one trick pony in every way
Anyone else frustrated that they didnt play the full shaq vs charles barkley clip when you see that barkley was using fake plates?
Luke Vilaseca finally someone says it lol was looking for it to be brought up..
YES! its bothering me more than it should.
I smelt this one coming 😏
my dog yelped at berts voice
Lol
All I could smell was cherry kool-aid and dog shit
@@NotYetEst 😂😂
@@NotYetEst nothing a pool bath can't fix
Bert thought Charles Barkley was a 6'2" dominant power forward.
I think he was like a legit 6'4" and a half, but always tried to claim he was 6'5",6'6"ish. He played and rebounded like he was 6'9" or bigger though.
@@SR91313 , there's plenty of pictures of him standing next to MJ. Looks like 6'6" is about right. Definitely played taller, though
Scott R he’s def 6’6 the rock is 6’4 look at him next to the rock
@@Jakem763 -there's a lot of articles if you Google it, about Barkley's height. The announcers would joke about it all the time during games back in the 90s, but they all knew he was a serious baller and if anything his being a little shorter made me respect his game even more. Either way, he's pretty fucking tall compared to most normal sized people. lol. Also, supposedly the Rock is not really as tall as the WWE had him listed, so maybe they're both a tad shorter than everyone thinks.
That makes me craaaaaaaaaaaaaazy
"I've seen a lot of bad things. And they've all made me come." - Tom 2020
Cum*
facciabella85 imagine getting mad about a sarcastic comment
Bert: ‘play the video’ also Bert ‘HOLD ON ONE SECOND’
I was so proud of Tim for FINALLY cutting Bret off for once at 1:21:28 😂
5 minutes in and Bert already mumbled his way through "by any stretch of the means" and "a marriage made in heaven".
He's like Anthony Quinn in "The last Action Hero"😂😂😂😂
Give the man a break he obviously has the downs
R word people.
15 minutes in and I already been hit with 4 ads. 🤦🏽♂️ What am I doing wrong other than not paying for Premium?
Wait, is "a marriage made in heaven" not right?
bert is someone's father
hes two peoples fathers
LMAOO
And he needs to knock his daughter upside the head for being obtuse (metaphorically, of course) I WILL TAKE THE DAMNED BMW!!
I don’t care if the kid gets a Lamborghini as a hand-me-down, kids DO NOT GET NOR DESERVE NEW CARS.
Zah Hall Georgia is definitely his lol
The fact he thought he is more known all time than Aaron Paul was pretty sad. He also did not realize these are just from google search. These people are more known.
Please, everybody start saying the Washington R-words! 🤣🤣
The cut before the feetures Ad was gold! "It's a guy who is 6'4 and can kill you"
Tom "I would be a serial killer if I wasn't a comedian" Segura is disturbed by his son's fascination with snakes eating other animals...sweet
The irony when Bert says he doesn’t want his kids to talk about things that happen at home when he has a stand up called secret time lol.
Sounds like Tom’s son is a mini Garth in the making.
So you're saying Tom should get a blood test in case Garth is the real father?
Tom is low-key smart. I like episodes where you talk a lot more, Tom. No knock, on Bert at all.
Tom is an idiot.
All the knocks on Bert. Bert is a fucking clown. Only rivaled by Brendan Shaub.
Tom has always displayed the attributes typically granted to an individual with above average intelligence. Bert is wildly impulsive, lacks a filter, and woefully ignorant. This is what provides their niche and content. If Bert speaks for long enough, he will 100% say something preposterous...then they hilariously attempt to navigate Bert’s logic.
Santino and Bobby Lee share a similar dynamic.
Seth Anderson Marry me.
“The Washington R-words” 😂😂😂😂
I too, thought Bert was referring to himself when he said "As his life partner." loool
This was the best episode they’ve had in awhile for me. Felt like they were just shootin the shit rather than constantly trying to get a bit out of Bert.
Last time I was this early, Bert smelled good and liked to wear pointy hoods.
He still loves the pointy hats...
@@Donkeykongington nope he is an inspiring vet now
Things (in these unprecedented times) change fast.
Pretty sure he has always banged dogs.
I like how Bert thinks a whole NFL team fluked an undefeated season. But he made a career out of hard work...
his career was made because of the machine bit went viral on Facebook
Dammmnnn
Bert is a person who you laugh at.. but I cringe when I see his stand up
I have a new found respect for Bert after listening to this podcast. Wanting to provide for your family is a very honorable thing and I want the best for Bert. I hope he finds that balance of a having a great family life while also providing.
There are definitely Dads out there identifying with both of you. 100%. both of you guys are awesome and doing life in your own correct way. Much love/respect
Tom please PLEASE make a merch shirt that says "The Washington R******s"
No no no.
The WASHINGTON R-WORDS
I’ll buy a case.
Judi Duggan I vote for that version as well
lol Charles had fake weights. It shows at the end of the video
I've seen you mention you were a fan of these guys, nice to see you in the comments!
As always I love Bert, but his Alcohol CTE usually blurs his memory XD. I remember the fake weights as well at the end of the clip.
Thx, I thought so. That much weight should move differently. Looked weird
Just letting you know I love your channel!
Oh! I just saw your video on the Nick Cannon thing. Thank you for a reasonable thoughtful response.
Bert saying "I've never heard of American Horror Story" like that's some definitive nail in the coffin that Sarah Paulson isn't famous is so classic Bert.
Bert: "I dont like teen porn"
Also Bert: "nubile has some good shit."
“Yea I’ll have a beer” Pretty sure these are recorded at like 10 am
“In the 90s it was fun, now it’s sexual assault” - the machine
Bert should make this a tshirt
Going along with this. Now that we know this isnt being shutdown. Tom please rename the show to 2 Bears 1 therapy. This has pretty much just become counseling for bert . Maybe Tom can get a tax write off for charity cases. Lolol
I'm 30 minutes in and I've already had 8 ads. Kinda overkill guys.
3 minutes later, another ad. Whats the deal???
It’s fuckin ridiculous. I blame TH-cam
You can fast forward or stop being such a baby about free entertainment and the bears paying the bills
Guys/girls youtube put most of the ads at the beginning because thats usually when you have most viewer. Look at the upside, you where going to have to watch them anyways. Might as well get the majority out of they way first.
I’ve never gotten an ad EXCEPT when starting the video
Bert acts surprised that he didn’t recognize those celebrities in the “I take responsibility” video like he didn’t say Drake wasn’t famous
Joe cackling in the background 😂😂
Always amazes me that Bert is 6’1”. He just seems like he would be 5’9” for some reason
Bert "I bet I'm more famous than 80% of these people" Kreischer
Tbh, he is trending harder... Must count for something.
I may be wrong but trending doesn’t exactly mean more famous, doesn’t it just mean his fans are talk more about him online. But in terms of house hold names people on the street would know, I would bet Sarah Paulson is more “famous” than him.
@@rosieh8641 I didn't know who she was till Segura said American Horror Story.
Aaron Paul sounds like he’s auditioning to be the next batman.
@K. he had good scenes but overall was the worst actor in that show
"Barkley says himself at the end of the video that only his first two bench presses were legit."
the guy is a drunk give him a break
His dog distracted him
Bert has a 20 second attention span at best. He wouldn't have gotten to the end just jumped to conclusion. Probably didn't even read the 1st comment which mentions it being fake.
the name being blurred out in Berts story about a comic jerking of in the back of a car is Jim Norton, classic O&A story
That's the first name that popped into my head when Bert told the story. Sounds pretty judgemental coming from a guy that bangs beagles.
I thought Bobby lee🤣
“We’re gonna have 5 cars cuz we don’t want to look rich” -Bert 🤣