Ep. 40 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer start off this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave by calling NFL Hall of Famer Warren Sapp. Warren suggests that the Bears and him start a podcast. Tom and Bert then discuss their excitement over the idea and what guests they would like to have on. Bert tells stories about Christian Okoye and Big Jay Oakerson, and then the two of them analyze Tracy Morgan ESPN video game commercials. They also discuss building home gyms, and Tom shares a story about Jennifer Aniston which leads to the hardest laughter ever on the show.
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the Aniston story was Tom's peak comedy, I fuckin believed every second of it.
I was truly upset when he said it was a joke
Cole Daniel me too, man. I was hoping he was gonna play her body guard in the movie. I’d love to see Tom and Bret in a big comedy movie.
Jazz Prince the only time I questioned it was when he said Ross was Rachel’s brother and “Jen” agreed.
So did I, so did I
I didn't believe it after about 30 seconds
This show is basically just about how impressive it is that Bret's lived this long.
Yeah bret’s surprisingly old
Absolutely
Aren't most of his podcast? This is the only one I watch that involves him.
You win.
Every week I’m like “damn brets alive, too bad Tom has to sit in the room that smells like shit”
I never realized how emotionally invested I am in these guys until I found myself getting genuinely excited for them landing Warren Sapp, despite having no personal interest in football. I just like seeing these guys happy.
same here. i like how they do shit on the podcast, it feels more like a sitcom in some ways
Literally could be the world's #1 football pod!
Well Brett never stays on topic so I doubt they would even talk about football. I'm a Bucs fan but I am probably sticking to just McAfee and Hawk when it comes to sports podcast.
I 100 called my buddy immediately and just screamed. "They did it!" haha
1:25:25 is the start of the best moment in history, has me in tears. FOR SAFETY!!!!
Fr
Thank you.
But we would never hurt you sent me on a second round of struggling for oxygen
Bert sounded like he was getting mauled by an actual bear lol 🤣🤣🤣
i uh-gree uh-hundred percent!
There’s no way anyone can convince me that Bret didn’t have a stroke at the end of this episode
We can only hope
Tom is going to kill Brent in one of these fuckin episodes
Nah, just his normal forced laughter
sappermills Brent? Lol
he had four strokes
Tom is obviously race neutral and identifies as a black man only when he’s talking to another black person. And we should respect that.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Whenever I catch my white friends doing this I explain to them that we instantly notice when they switch up how they talk in order to save them from any future embarrassment
Tom is race fluid.
I believe the term Tom identifies as is trans racial
I think the correct term is transracial
Tom is the Steven Seagal of comics when talking to other races. Seriously, that football podcast is gonna be dope!
I was thinking the same thing but what else do you expect from the master of accents?
I'm not surprised. He's been doing comedy for like 47 years
@@lessonlearned6782 found a cool guy.
Tom Segura en bláck
He could also be the Quentin Tarantino.
“For safety” **dying pterodactyl noises**
So that's how you spell that.
Ahahahahaha it’s still pronounced paterradacktyl
gawd
Warren should have a fishing and football podcast called “Bait and Tackle”.
How’s that working out for you?
L Rod how’s what working out?
Being clever
Thats really funny!
They MUST review the long list of Everglades organisms that Mr. Sapp consumes.
A clip of Tom’s Jennifer Aniston story should be part of a MasterClass on storytelling
I love that Bret thinks breathing wrong makes him fat instead of his overall eating habits/lifestyle.
I had that exact thought. Buddy talks about eating 10 Big Macs like 3 episodes ago
Hahahahahah
First off hes an athlete. Second. How could he go wrong. 1.2 liters of koolaid before lunch? What's the poor guy gotta do. Olympians don't have that level of sedication
I think that what bret means about explosivity
Carbon dioxide must weigh more than oxygen. He just isn't getting enough oxygen.
If you make Bert laugh hard enough, he turns into an elderly Korean man.
HAHA best comment here
안전을 위해 ! 하 하 하 하 하 하 하 하 하 하...
More like a drastically wounded bird or whatever your mind can concoct.
Or a man climaxing
Or one of those giant rubber chickens you squeeze all the air out of so they scream
Bruh when Tom talks to black people it's always "ay man" 😭
Tom "Yo, crack me one" Segura
"I be tellin"
Welp, they don't call him Tom "code-switching" Segura for nothing
Sup’ Dee
MAYNNE
Bret at the start: please don't call Warren
Bret 10 minutes in: we're gonna be best friends
Moral of the story....take risks people
Brett*
Edit: Burt at the beginning
Brett 10 minutes in....
Lmao
That classic Tom blackspeak making yet another appearance.
Code switching*
HES BEEN DOIN BLACKSPEAR FO' 27 YEAR!
Yeah, it's very human. But I can't wait fo dat Sapp!
He studied at the Tarantino College of Appropriation in Appalachia.
Chris Witry man that’s cricket right dere
I was so positive Bert was gonna die this episode.
The colour of his face there
I thought he had a heart attack
connor geslak pretty sure he did
Who's bert
His head is so swollen lmao
If “For Safety” and “I have never had this much fun with my family” aren’t on a T-shirt in the next 60 days I’m gonna start wearing my pants low and loose.
THIS
YESSS
I’ve yet to buy merch because I’m a broke bitch, but I tell ya what, I’d find money to buy both of those.
@@FrostyJokerr Hell I just might gift it to ya if they do!
Dianna ❤️❤️ Thank you for wearing your jeans high and tight mommy
I swear Tom's only goal in life is to make Bert actually laugh himself to death.
like in Roger Rabbit
Ah 100%
Or eat or drink.
but how can you not, berts laugh is so amazing
straight up it cannot be healthy how Bert is reacting to "for safety"
My favorite thing in the world today is Tom making Bret lose his shit.
Tom is the older brother we shouldn't listen to
This show is what gets me through COVID-19
I love how Brett linked his obesity, high blood pressure, and anxiety to MOUTH BREATHING and not his ALCOHOLISM 🤣🤣🤣
That conversation was the dumbest fucking thing I've heard in awhile
He could get hit by a bus and on the way to the hospital will be like "Man I can't believe my blood pressure finally caught up to me"
"We would never hurt you."
**Menacingly turns red with laughter**
Shit. Is. HILARIOUS!!!!! I feel sick when I laugh that hard
my jaw locks when I laugh this hard....Don't be scared Rachel, just let the two bears in.
I love the jackboys pic. That’s all
That shit nearly gave me a heart attack loool
Brett turned purple like 6 times he's gonna hurt himself lmao.
The sound of Bert's laugh will be the last thing Jennifer Aniston hears. Besides maybe a muffled yelp from a small dog.
Bret*
Do the Yelp!
Haaaaaaaaaaaa
😂😂😂
because she'll go deaf? damn Bret, you loud xD
Brett: My wife is building a separate room for her to sleep in.
Tom: O.O
Yeah and he's paying for every square fucking inch of it too.
@@bigdaveyjoyce7890 Small price to pay for her to have been by his side all these years. Comedian or not, the way he talks about her for cheap laughs, she's a saint. Bert is a narcissistic, self-conscious loser, and Tommy Bunz is the man.
“That’s a sign of a healthy marriage I think”
@@samalama918 jokes people, they are jokes.
my husband gets kicked into our spare room if he snores to a insane level some nights. nothing wrong with that. both gotta sleep and i dont want to hate him.
Bert’s laughing fit sounds like a dying elephant.
*brett
Well he's the same size as one and probably smells worse
It does! 🤣🤣🤣
Have you ever listened to a dying elephant?
I thought you were talking in general, but then I got to the part and know exactly what you're talking about XD
bert kreischer's take on his wife: "it's so much easier talking to warren sapp" lmaooo
Also Bret: "No one could love that bitch as much as I do"
Bret*😂
Tom's talkin' that "jive" talk every time he talks to a black dude.
@@TrailerParkChris oh boy does that video sucks
lmao he code switches immediately. I always looked at him as the good one in the group so I pray nothing bad ever comes out about him
You can tell when he gets super insecure.
Na, he's codeswitched waaaaay harder on other occasions.
@@TrailerParkChris You should recopy those video files and go ahead and send them to a prospective therapist.
2 bears 1 cave makes my week start off good. Hearing berts self sabotage makes me feel like a better human.
Knowing that someone so stupid can be so wealthy keeps me going
Bret* 😂😂😂
"I'm reading a samurai book right now."
"Okay."
"Five Rings."
"Is it good?"
"I don't know if that's the name of it."
"I think you uh- is it a martial arts book?"
"Yeah, it's a martial arts book. I'm reading it. I don't really understand it."
"That sounds right."
"I'm reading it because I'm writing a self-help book and I'm kinda building it around samurai culture."
"Okay."
Jennifer Aniston presents two bears one restraining order
underrated comment 😂
Jennifer Aniston presents two bears one restraining order Feat. Warren Sapp ****
Jen, if you have Brett over, hire a dog sitter. You know, for safety
Bret: We had Todo two episodes today.. cut that out.
Nadav: *doesn't cut that out*
Trying to get nadav killed?
I like it
Who the f*** is Todo?
@@Peter.Sky.Walker nobody. Hes using a word. Like i have something " To do" later.
Are you illiterate?
@@hunterthompson6295 you sound horrifically literal. I can't imagine how much you dislike fun.
His name isn’t Nadav anymore; it’s Worse Nadav
The “For Safety” laughs might be better than the “Kool-Aid” laughs. 🤣☠️
Finding out that Bert is literally a mouth breather is the most unsurprising thing ever.
I thought the same. I'd also bet that when he says he's "reading a book" he means "listening to an audiobook."
@@youngAmills he has said that several times
Tom clarifying they were not a threat saved my day.
"for safety" NEEDS TO BE ON A T SHIRT
"That might send the wrong message." LOLOLOLOLOL
😂 surprised they didn’t say it
My thoughts exactly! "We would never hurt you ", 😆
“Be prepared for anything!”
peterwall625 😂
"Can She bring a dude??... For Safety" - gotta put that on a T-shirt 😂😂🤣🤣
That Jennifer Aniston story was like an episode out of the Twilight Zone. I can't believe I bought into it.
Tom makes Bret laugh like he's being crushed by a car
It’s genuinely alarming how he turns so red
I love how happy that phone call made Bret and Todd.
Todd is going to have kidnap some woman and strangle her to death to balance his mood.
Shpongle what are you talking about?! That wouldn’t balance him out, that’d just make him happier.
@@TrailerParkChris 🤣
"You know the smell of throw up when it comes out your nose" is the essence of Bret Krysler in one sentence.
The Aniston story felt like a scene in a David Lynch movie. I don't know why I imagined her walking down a halway lined with torches...
“I’ve never breathed through my nose” not a surprise lmao
New podcast must be called “Two Brett’s One Sapp”
Thanks for spelling it right too 🤣🤣
🎯
That will work!!!!
This was a great episode. Tom that straight-faced, 100% made up story is probably the most psycho-like thing you’ve done.
More psycho than getting one of his friends to cut off his finger in college?
Jen might be safe but she might want to hide her dog.
Her dog isn't safe
Kreischer should call his next special "Bret."
It's officially his name now
Or The Bretaneers
Bert Krieschers’ new special “Bret khrystler”
100% Bret
Brent
“Three Bears, One’s Black”
Tom doing his best Dennis Reynolds impression... "She needs to protect herself. You know... Because of the implication."
I said the same thing! The “Implications...”
I HAVE TO HAVE MY TOOLS!
I am the golden god!
''I am untethered and my rage knows no bounds!!!!''
Steve Hunt Like the gust of a THOUUUUUSAND winds!
I’m OFFENDED nobody suggested “ballhogs” #ballhogs
Might be my favorite title so far! 👏🏽
this has to be it, hahah Ball Hogs w/ Warren Sapp
Everyone just keep reposting ball hogs in the comments. It’ll get there attention...
#Ballhogs
this is genuinely a fantastic idea
The best thing berts ever said was “I really hope no one finds this podcast unless they’re looking for it”
Brett *
Bert was actually listening to Tom and not interrupting him in this ep, must be all the breathing
Yah that’s the difference between Bert and Bret
I love how every episode of this show is Tom's gentle manipulations of Bert.
Bret*
*Bart
That jennifer anniston story was truly amazing.
That was delivered so well by Tom
@@CJJC42 its called acting
Would love to see a surreal JAM style sketch based on this with actual Jennifer and Tom.
ev1bl Delivery.
“Low key threatened Jennifer Anniston” 😂😂😂😂😂😂
I've never laughed harder. I literally would be their best friend. They're both Brett now. #2Bretts1Sapp.
I literally posted this 3 mins before Bert said @2bretts1sapp. I swear on eveything. Hell yea. I give it 3 episodes when Sapp figures out tho.
Hearing people laughing in the background is almost as funny as the actual “for safety” part haha
1:27:22 I would like to start a go fund me to have a defibrillator in the studio.
Why wouldn’t you call this the BBW podcast. Who doesn’t love some BBWs? Bret Bret and Warren
I know its gonna be good because the table is littered with alcohol.
Mind blown within the first 5 minutes what the fuck
I remember like 4 podcasts ago when Bert was "not drinking" lol love to see him always fall back into the hole
I love that the background laughter of this podcast and TigerBelly is better than any live reality show laugh track ever. The producers laughing kills me.
Bert : "Can she bring a guy?"
Tom : "For Safety"
Bert : *5 minutes of laughter*
The last ten minutes is pure comedy
Bret*
I loved this moment almost as much as The Kool-Aid Moment.
That's not laughter, it's wild animal torture
Tom said it naturally but it got funnier and funnier the more they riffed on it.
There better be “”for safety” and “it sends the wrong message” merch after this
I’m trying to imagine the horror on Jennifer Anniston’s face when that message gets to her and I’m just tickled.
I just replayed the Aniston story again because it was soooo good. LOL
Tom: "for safety"
Bert: *almost dies heaving*
I did too
Bret*
And just like that. Jennifer Anniston has 2 restraining orders drawn up... got to protect her dogs.
This is the highest energy podcast, did they finally do cocaine
Dogaine
They probably got an iv drip of red koolaid
That would explain the beers.
TrailerParkChris *bret
I never thought I would laugh harder than the bert drinking koolaid bit and yet it happened in the first ten minutes of this episode
Bart: "I haven't had a Tito's and soda in awhile"
Me: "Yesterday! It was YESTERDAY on Instagram!"
its filmed a week before but yeah lol
You know how much time he has left? 1 day is a long time in comparison.
Chris M it’s like a dog, he has no concept of time
That Bret guy looks like he smells bad.
atleast hes not rasict though
I can smell him with my eyeballs...
He was in my neck of the woods the other day. I think he knows that he smells bad, he kept sniffing my dog's ass. Probably trying to figure out if that stink the dog or him... I think
probably a caninophile...
I heard he does something with dogs too. Wierd guy...
“He needs to be our bestfriend, will he comes out here and live with us” 😂😂😂😂😂
Are we sure hes not racist cause that sounds alot like really nice slavery
@@duffmanzee when you trick your "bestfriend" into building a nation for you
@@Stephen_Eee BROOOOOOO‼😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 U Win with that 1 👌
Oh Bret's so excited for friends!
That Bert is a mouth breather, should be a surprise to no one.
Can we please get a shirt with Bert's hysterical face saying "for safety"
3 Bears, 1 Boat?
Strap some Go pro's to the boat, mic everyone up, and make sure everyone has alcohol.
This was my first thought. Thatll be like a special maybe after this Corona.
Ron is the captain. no concessions. do it nadav.
“My 4 door..sedan” thank you Tom for not flexing too hard on us peasants
“My sedan” lol
They should really have an EMT on standby for the next time Bret laughs that hard
Locke Lancer i'm more interested in seeing what happens without one
LMAOOOOO RIGHT!??!
"He grew up privileged."
-guy who went to college for nearly a decade
I may be wrong on this but didn’t he essentially go to college so long so that he could continue to party. Paying thousands to party essentially.
@@codycannon5563 and about having his daughters not talk about his personal life, like he didn't talk about the period party ect
He’s pretty open about growing up privileged. It’s not like he pretends not to have
Cody Cannon but he says it himself that he grew up privileged? Multiple times, it’s not like he’s saying he or his family struggled? Hell he even said it in his special.
He's called himself the poster boy of white privilege several times
Obviously the podcast should be called "What's Sappenin'?"
The way tom switches up how he talks when hes talking to a black guy lmao 😂😂
Multicultural
know your surroundings
Ok so you have to read this:
So I’m a mobile technician that goes to customers homes to work on their cars. I have my air pods in while listening the podcast of this. Audio only. With a customer standing outside as usual just casually watching me work. Imagine how fucking hard it was to contain myself when for safety hit. Holy shit. I was pissing myself biting my lip still laughing my ass off. My customer thought I was stroking out with some fucking corona coughing. Eyes watering. I’m turning away head against my van for 10 minutes the last segment until it went off. I could not contain myself. 6 years at this job and this will be a memorable moment in it.
I'm a mobile service tech for home depot and this exact scenario has happened to me more than once lol
Brett looks like bam margera’s dad when he laughs uncontrollably
Phil never looked as bad as beth
who is Brett
Yeah seth looks so bad
Chet truly looks like hell
Zack Ruddick Bart looked horrible
Jesus Christ man...Bert's gonna drop dead during this podcast one of these times lol
✌🤞
“I have never had this much fun with my family” lol
"They say that 6 breaths a minute is healthy. I've been at like 15.. So I got it down to 2 breaths a minute." Does he even listen to himself? 😂🤣
Bert: "Comedians have total freedom"
Also Bert: "Ill tell you his name after the show"
"Let me tell you this story it's SO fucking funny, it's SOOOO fucking funny Tom you're gonna love it. Oh wait I can't say this on air I'll tell you after the show."
Whos Bert? Oh you mean Brett. Yeah hes quite a jokester!
It’s cause bert is an LA comic and they are all pussies.
Because it’s not his story to tell or doesn’t wanna get another comic in trouble
@@chrisdever that's exactly why people don't talk about certain things in the office. so as to not potentially upset coworkers and employers (other comics, celebs, club owners, network owners, executives, agents etc....) those are their coworkers
They are EXACTLY as restricted as everyone else and share no special privilege.
Their business is just entirely contractors, imagine if that's how google worked, it's the same thing. They are just as shackled as everyone, just about different things and in a different way. they aren't more free. they're wrong, or liars.
Nobody:
Bret out of nowhere: “I’ve ever had this much fun with my family”
Well of course, his kids have never called Warren Sapp or threatened a cast member of “Friends”.
“Two Bears One Cave, Dripping With Sapp”
dude amazing
"Tom and Warren's Football Talk...with bret"
Tom called him ‘Bret’ 😂
No shit?
The look Tom gives Bert when he tells him about Leanne not sleeping on their bed😳😭 39:12
Sad af
Also tom is the best friend for his answer
They need a divorce
He judged his friend right there 🤣🤣🤣
He is getting closer to an ''intervention'' everyday
The “for safety” bit reminded me of “the implication” from it’s always sunny in Philadelphia 😂 THERES NO DANGER
this is gold
I love how the guys in the background laugh their asses off the whole time
Please make a Merch mask that says “For Safety?!?”
Genius
Well this has to happen now
DO ITTTT
Netflix: are you still watching?
Somebody's daughter: 30:33
I woke up my roommate thanks 😂
"Help me" makes it that much better
Brilliant
Bert's laugh in the end sounds like an animal crying
Bret should try mixing that Tito’s with his gallon of Kool-aid
When are we getting some sexy YMH mousepads in the store?
Need
With those mushy purples on it
I CERTAINLY GOT SOMETHING INTERESTING IN THE MEEL TODAY
This is my FUCKING mommy Tina mouse pad from amazon.com 😂
A bert mouse pad with a hairy gel gut wrist pad
When he’s on the podcast it’s going to be 2 cubs one bear 😂
Bert's wife ask him a simple question and Bert doesn't even answer.
Bert: "ugh, you see how difficult she is"
@bkstacker 247 So true! He could drop 20 pounds like that If he truly quit drinking.
But is he??? He definitely have a problem with alcohol consumption but he can stop if he wants, most alcoholics can't, it's weird stuff, of course he is going to end up dying of alcohol related shit
"You sleep with something in your mouth?!?" - Bart "literally tapes his mouth shut at night" Kringle