If i didnt exist, this wouldnt have happened. @20:55 deep transformation of grief to validate who are you, to validate that child... bring that child into matueiry. that's integration. Thats decades of pain. But you dont need to through decades of grieving. @22:35. To communicate the hurt... Not desperate tears.. the most painful raw tears... @22:35 they were sorrowful surrender to heartbreak. Tbe loss of what you've wanted to give... its the loss of you. It doesn't go away, but it didn't control you. @26:35 show up for life, not as a plea, but as a question. @27:15 The mystery of it all. of what awaits you. And you are here. and you can begin to be who you really are. Thank you Sam. ❤🙏
“Islands of memory”-what a perfect description, thinking back I don’t remember there being a series of incidents rather than being born into one Mother load ever evolving trauma which fifty years later I’m still struggling with. You popped up in my feed today Sam, I started watching over four hours ago & just so much emotion ya know. Thank you Sam, loud & clear buddy.
Of all the people I've come to listen to, when it comes to healing, you are genuinely the only person I truly find inspirational because of your genuine understanding and willingness to consistently find ways to get into the intimate knowing of your own pain/cause of suffering with the realest of intentions of getting back in touch with your humanity and simply being true. By sharing personally/honestly in the way you do, including the difficulties in capturing that honesty in terms of timing or, for instance, to not have it potentially be turned at crucial points into a kind of simply spectacle (in place of your otherwise authentic experience), it allows me to truly believe in anything hopeful you might share about this process which otherwise I just don't buy in others' cases.
@@Call-Me-Sam Nearly everyone I hear about that touts whatever success in their programs or just people who attest to healing and otherwise share about themselves still use whatever contrived social measure of success rather than simply their innate ability to connect with love, beauty, nature, and their own humanity as reflected in purely a matter of their perceptions, reception, and vulnerability, along with their ability to process their emotions as can further be experienced through poetry/music/art (in the way you share in your experience of reading David Whyte, for example) and whatever ways in which they can deeply come to know/understand and authentically relate to people in their lives. These are the things that show me genuine healing, coming from genuine insight/acknowledgement of ways in which formerly we may have in whatever ways been broken. I mean, honestly, do you know of anyone but yourself that shares in this way who's been where you have been? Everywhere else I look, people are trying to make a profit and its all selling points - proclamations of knowledge/experience or people simply claiming how good or otherwise okay they are - how they get to carry on with their deluded lives within this system. Even the most honest/genuine of testimonies or sharing of whatever stories just relatively lack so much profundity as compared to the depths at which true cases like ourselves are otherwise wounded. You speak to the genuine nature of those wounds and actively try not to bullshit the incredibly painful and arduous process of trying to heal (and the minimal results of restoring whatever tiny parts of yourself). I really wish I had the time/space/allowance within whatever network of individuals such as yourself where I can focus my energy/attention for just learning how to be again - where that was the goal and sufficient enough an, otherwise seemingly self-centered, aim... I'd do anything to meaningfully suffer again and struggle to be conscious as opposed to this completely pointless suffering - unable to finish grieving, unable to choose what to keep and what to let go, just stuck in all manner of needless hell - suffering for the falsity imprinted on me over the truth of myself rather than for even any kernel of truth I can sustain in my current condition and otherwise isolated/otherwise forced to partake in this artificial world.
I don't really look at any other channels, except Soft White Underbelly, sometimes. I just do what I do and try my best to be honest . Materially I have very little, which can be scary sometimes. So my own healing was at the expense of financial and material security . There is a cost for all of us but what is more important. It is our choice where we place our attention. For me I simply could not go on , my life fell apart as I fell apart, my choice was made by a deeper part of myself , long buried and insisting now to live free. You will get there, I feel it.
Thanks again Sam. You find the honest articulated richness in words transformed from the deepest feeling's. Sometimes we just can't find these feeling's through words. ...
I came here today, because all the news about Ukraine and Israel and other places of chaos got me so full of worry and fear that I needed a spot to charge some different energy. You are so wonderfully intense that it helps me to come back to my energy and to my essence. I didn't notice your new videos for quite a while, because TH-cam stopped putting you on my front page. Damn! Well, I just wanted to tell that I did not drop you, it was the machine. I'm glad to be back and I found inspiration and strength here, as always. Loved the poem as well. Thanks!
Hi Lisa, if you click the bell next to the subscribe button you should get a notification for each video. I am glad to have lifted your mood . Best wishes Sam
I was interested in your reference to the Seals, Sam. We live in a world where the war machine has spread war, in every way, into every home. All our families have suffered from it, in one way or another. And, even in so-called peace time, our institutions are weaponised against us. The real pandemic is trauma. But, as you so articulately say, we can heal. The fact that you have healed and are healing and are here for us to connect with, shows that the time of healing is here. The war machine is wounded and dying (and very dangerous!), but we can heal! Credit to you for your love of truth and for not perpetuating what was done to you!
I did just that. I crashed and burned. I’m still on fire. Mum left the family, I am the youngest of 4, kids. That primed me for Cptsd. My dads words were “your mothers gone, if you don’t like it, get the f out!!!” I was 7. My dad got rid of my bro. A half way house, (he’s still there). In prison. My 2sisters died. I had Stockholm syndrome. My dad died in 2020, he discarded me and gave every penny to a gf! I got away. I lived in denial. I thought it ALL was my fault. Hospitals, etc.. isolation. Devastation. I put all my life’s belongings on the side of the road. And left. It’s been 6 yrs. It’s my mom who Hoovers me now and I can’t get far enough away from life. Mum says none of it happened. She saved herself no one got their needs met but her. Thank you for helping me. I’m making that u-turn inward. I’m outside the jar now. I have not killed my self and I know where that voice comes from, from that 7 yr old thinking life hurts. (I want out.) I packed my bags that day. Ran away a lot got sent back to my dad.. at 15!an unexplained pregnancy, at seven months given a saline abortion. It destroyed me. I am not here to hurt anyone. I’m simple easy and yet, I am not a lay down. Thank you for listening. ❤️from my heart to yours.
You are strong to have survived so much . We are troubled and can be very cruel to ourselves but change can happen much more easily if we learn to be gentle with our self, be compassionate to our self. It takes time to learn how to be a different way and to speak to ourselves with kindness but you have the strength to survive, so you already know you have the strength and will to change. It takes will and the hunger to actually get through and give your self the life you deserve. Bless you.
@@Call-Me-Sam I’ll be ok. I have realistic expectations now. Sam. I have a library of books. Any suggestions as to where I could donate them ? Any where in the world ?
You are an incredible inspiration! Even though every individual needs to find their path of healing, it is so comforting to come upon others who are having meaningful healing and positive life changes. Encountering you has been another synchronicity that my guides have, no doubt, had a hand in. The poetry left me slack jawed! I’ll have to do a deep dive. Big hugs and lots of love!
Hi Nicola. It takes time, be gentle with yourself. There are no miraculous cures, just gradual growth in our capacity to do the work necessary to heal. Still, I manage all the usual stuff, doubt, isolation, otherness etc. Just know that you are enough, you always have been and always will be enough. Just be yourself. I know ! in a way we don't even know what that means. There are hidden depths to you , yet undiscovered, all there right now. Your quiet presence is enough , beautiful human that you are. 😊
I’m glad you posted this. You are a gifted speaker, able to capture your thoughts so clearly. I suffered abuse only for 5 years but I know how that pain feels from the bottom of your soul. I don’t know how you did it so many years. You seem like such a nice person. ❤️
Hi Sam you speak to me on a deep level... I really value all of your videos!! You are real, raw sometimes but real... I have pulled my life into few connections. Isolation is safer than too many unreal associations. I'm a short time out of major remembering of past buried deep traumatic experiences.. I feel too hurt to connect much and afraid of triggers... Its easyer to live alone. I had a traumatic childhood then my children turned away from me because of how I've been.... A double whammy... My inner light nearly went out, I lost hope, didn't want to be here and as a mum and grandmother I could leave behind all that grief... I'm doing better at this moment, looking for a new modem if healing! Your talks give me hope and I deepl appreciate you in this world 😌Derp Graditude Sam 🙋♀️Joanna
I'm glad to hear that you are doing better. My Mother and I took years to heal, a part of that healing was learning about her own experiences . My empathy for her own heartbreak is really what helped me let go of anger. I hope that your own children can find their way to compassion for their Mother. Love Sam
Dear Sam, I am so grateful for your capacity to share your process. You are ahead...on the pathway that leads out of hell, carrying your lantern, shining its light, now here and now there. Your sharing via your videos are a God-send in my life at this time. Been feeling so trapped, afraid of ending up after death as a ghost, a haunt, forever stuck in "unreachable". Yes, every word you shared I understand. I can feel that constant PLEA, from all my primal unmet need to be seen, heard, to be well met. So much loss and hurt, always present, yet the habitual deflection at work of coping/denying. Thank you for shedding light on the utter imperative, which I do feel and know to be true, to STOP the denial of myself/my heartbreak. Yet, to go about this not as another attempt to fix the situation, which feels too familiar...another coping strategy, another form of self-invalidation. Rather to lean into my heartbreak right here in each moment of anguish, desolation and disconnection that is intimately connected there. Thank you. Love, Kathy
Thank you. In the words of David Whyte " I feel like a blind child trying to put together a world. " I'm happy that my sharing helps in some way. Please Kathy, be very , very gentle with yourself ... don't force anything, treat yourself with kindness. The heartbreak is an inevitable acceptance of how we really feel and is validating but deeply painful and if we rush , can be extremely destabilising.... Be gentle. Do you have support, someone that understands and can be with you when you need. ?
Thank you, Sam. A blind child. Yes. Gentleness, softness, spaciousness... my hope is in finding ways to step back, reapproach, innovate... I tend to confuse gentleness with indulgence... I find gentleness out of reach as far as when I am triggered by stuff: cringe. I have my dreamwork analyst I've known since 1996 who has great depth of understanding. I get to talk with him regarding my dreams and my process by phone 1/2 hour 2-3 times a month. Since, 2016, I have lost "my people" (my husband, Mike, and my mother (abuser) who lived with us her last 6 years d/t suffering with dementia), those I lived with and saw daily. What a combo, huh? Through death. Others, because I could no longer tolerate the dynamics with several friends that weren't able to understand or support me in my grief and my deconstruction. Too many empty platitudes and emotional abandonment due to their own discomfort/fear of where I landed. So, I have my cat, Zu. I have my horse, Raven, whom I see 2x's a day. I have human contact at the stables every day, but no one is a friend. I have a wonderful new person I see once a week and I read from books out loud and discuss with. She is an artist, author, retired professor who is now 89 years old. All the other animals I interact with dogs, cats, raccoons, birds, etc. The beauty and presences in Nature. I am blessed to live in a beautiful home in the woods. I do feel support periodically from the Divine and from those that have passed, especially my husband and my Dad, but not on demand! Still, the reality of the level of denial of myself...the losses/grief/regret have exposed more clearly all original heartbreak/desolation that is and always has been present. How I deal with that...yes...needs gentleness...this is a dilemma/irony of doing the hard work, committing to myself, without the push and impatience....and dealing with run ins with my own refusals to cooperate. I am allergic to the notion of self-re-parenting. I am drawn more to becoming friends with myself. My mind and my desires tend to out race my ability to keep up. So, stuff is easy to know, harder to do. Thank you for your response about need to be gentle with myself and for asking about support. I feel like I need to apologize to you for my intensity and wordiness...which I'm sure erupts from neediness...over the top. Yet, I realize, from what you've shared, your understanding of this, as well. Thank you, Sam. My hope is to further inhabit and own my own process/experience in what seems a required season of hermitage/aloneness. Love, Kathy
@@kathyweinstock3264 Hi Kathy, what you describe sounds lovely, relationships with animals , nature and people passed and present. I see no reason we cannot continue our healing with those now gone. Meaningful healing with those we have had unresolved conflict with can still occur. I see in my own process that as we heal the most mundane experience resolves into ever more intimate and nourishing richness. I think I said in a video a few weeks ago, we are already here, already enough, already occupying the space we need to inhabit, we're just not fully present yet. You're not wordy or intense, you write beautifully. It's lovely and encouraging for me and others to read your experience . There are many who understand and will gain something from you sharing here. Love Sam
Thank you, Sam. Yes, I have hope for continuing to relate with and find greater resolution with my Mike and my Mother, etc. I love when you speak of the present moment. That the past isn't actually here, now. We are. Yes, to be born anew, to arrive, in the present moment...like in the poem you read of D. Whyte's, Twice Blessed. Like moments when I have experienced glimpses of belonging, peace, stillness, and nourishment. BTW, I just recently ordered 3 of his books, as I love hearing the poems you have shared. Consolations, Still Possible and The Bell and the Blackbird. Love, Kathy
@@kathyweinstock3264 Essentials by David Whyte was my first book of poetry and still my favourite I think. I hope his work helps you. Consolations will open a whole new understanding of the language we use. Back soon. Love Sam
Our quiet presence has always been enuf. Thank you. I remember when I came out of denial. Slowly the details titrated in to the light. I would like if you could compare and contrast how healthy families vs. dysfunctional families operate. Thank you for the video! I still ooze. I’m sorry
Hi Sam, I noticed that your latest conversation with Corinna Cohn is no longer available. I saved it for later but unfortunately could not listen to it till the end. Is there any chance that the unlisted video/audio are still available? I do not really care about technical issues or quality. I just find your thoughts valuable. They stay with me and they linger. Your channel matters more than you know. I hope you are doing well.
Hey Sam i think your very wierd, but also very relatable. I see me in you. I had a near death expirience just by myself, and it left me scared for death for along time. I felt like i lost everything, completly stripped away from any illusion until only truth was seen. I struggled with suicidality heavely, until that also dissapeared. The thing right now is that i struggle sometimes with feelings that appear like anomalies. Today i felt like puking because i ate food and was disgusted somehow. That went away. Later i went to shower and i got very panicy feelings, that i might pass out. After the shower was done, i layed in bed and after ten minutes the whole turmoil dissapeared and i was happy again to be alive. Everyday there is some strange anomalities with me going on. A feeling that eats at me. Which i cant explain. My mother recommended therapy, did you get therapy?
Hi Sam, I’ve watched your videos for quite awhile now and still have no understanding of what happened to you. You describe complex trauma but in a rather vague way. I wonder if you might attempt to share your story from the beginning. Something like a video biography? Wishing you real peace from the Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ.
Thank you for your kind wishes. In this video and others I do say that I experienced severe neglect, psychological abuse and some physical . As I said, the minutiae of the detail of what happened and how it affected you continues to resolve into clarity over a long time. This set in motion a life of desperation and disfunction , the usual elements of drug abuse , self harm etc . A year or two ago I did make a long video where I went into more detail but I realised that there was just too much I had to leave out that I couldn't talk about or felt that it wouldn't be right. to talk about. Also I do need some privacy, I share as openly as I can for the benefit of those others who are suffering. What I say already reveals that I understand what it is to live with the consequences of complex trauma and that is more important. Maybe I'll have another go soon and see how it feels.
Sam, I’m happy that you explained so well. It does make sense. Thank you. I want good for people and it makes me feel bad when I hear about what people do to others. I also want to speak out to God and ask help for those who experience pain in all of its many manifestations. I don’t know if God intervenes into our affairs but the hope is there. If divine peace is available, I wish it into peoples lives. When I listen to your videos I fear that God isn’t answering my prayers because you are still suffering. I’m not sure of what to make of that. Please forgive me for my initial request for a biography type presentation from you. You certainly can’t be expected to go into every detail about your life. I’ll continue to ask God to help you.
@@KA2HRO I am still suffering but I am learning to manage those feelings. God and Gods helpers continually guide me of that I am certain . I am given space to make mistakes and learn but even so I feel a patient and guiding intelligence that keeps me on track. Thank you for your prayers.
Sam, when you refer to Gods helpers, who do you refer to? Angels? People? The thought just came to me about the loss of an actor recently who when speaking of addiction said that it’s important to engage with people. Don’t stay alone because that is when the addiction will win. Obviously I don’t know your social situation, but I hope you have people around who can support you. Don’t stay alone for long periods. That’s the time the enemy will choose to attack. Hope you have a good day. Stay warm.
@@KA2HRO Hi Terry, yes I have relationships. As I said in a video a few weeks ago, I think that is where we really heal and find our self.... in relationship. By Gods helpers, I mean non physical and physical. I believe that the non physical influence those people who are aligned with Gods will, truth, love and morality. Those of us that are doing our best to change for the better and to help others , then, we can be open to the forces of good that work through us, helping us to help each other . Conversely, the forces of evil equally have those that they work through. Just this morning I received an email from someone that was very moving and very soon afterwards under an older video someone left a poorly thought out , almost spiteful comment. It was removed by YT. Those comments are always from people that hate. Proving my point, evil uses the weak minded.
Love your intro, the beauty and sound of the water is so calming, thank you.
Thank you lovely human being, you are a gem on the filthy Internet. Love you dearly
Oh , thank you Karin
If i didnt exist, this wouldnt have happened.
@20:55 deep transformation of grief to validate who are you, to validate that child... bring that child into matueiry. that's integration. Thats decades of pain. But you dont need to through decades of grieving.
@22:35. To communicate the hurt... Not desperate tears.. the most painful raw tears...
@22:35 they were sorrowful surrender to heartbreak.
Tbe loss of what you've wanted to give... its the loss of you.
It doesn't go away, but it didn't control you.
@26:35 show up for life, not as a plea, but as a question.
@27:15 The mystery of it all. of what awaits you. And you are here. and you can begin to be who you really are.
Thank you Sam. ❤🙏
“Islands of memory”-what a perfect description, thinking back I don’t remember there being a series of incidents rather than being born into one Mother load ever evolving trauma which fifty years later I’m still struggling with. You popped up in my feed today Sam, I started watching over four hours ago & just so much emotion ya know.
Thank you Sam, loud & clear buddy.
Of all the people I've come to listen to, when it comes to healing, you are genuinely the only person I truly find inspirational because of your genuine understanding and willingness to consistently find ways to get into the intimate knowing of your own pain/cause of suffering with the realest of intentions of getting back in touch with your humanity and simply being true. By sharing personally/honestly in the way you do, including the difficulties in capturing that honesty in terms of timing or, for instance, to not have it potentially be turned at crucial points into a kind of simply spectacle (in place of your otherwise authentic experience), it allows me to truly believe in anything hopeful you might share about this process which otherwise I just don't buy in others' cases.
Wow ! Thank you so much
@@Call-Me-Sam Nearly everyone I hear about that touts whatever success in their programs or just people who attest to healing and otherwise share about themselves still use whatever contrived social measure of success rather than simply their innate ability to connect with love, beauty, nature, and their own humanity as reflected in purely a matter of their perceptions, reception, and vulnerability, along with their ability to process their emotions as can further be experienced through poetry/music/art (in the way you share in your experience of reading David Whyte, for example) and whatever ways in which they can deeply come to know/understand and authentically relate to people in their lives. These are the things that show me genuine healing, coming from genuine insight/acknowledgement of ways in which formerly we may have in whatever ways been broken. I mean, honestly, do you know of anyone but yourself that shares in this way who's been where you have been?
Everywhere else I look, people are trying to make a profit and its all selling points - proclamations of knowledge/experience or people simply claiming how good or otherwise okay they are - how they get to carry on with their deluded lives within this system. Even the most honest/genuine of testimonies or sharing of whatever stories just relatively lack so much profundity as compared to the depths at which true cases like ourselves are otherwise wounded. You speak to the genuine nature of those wounds and actively try not to bullshit the incredibly painful and arduous process of trying to heal (and the minimal results of restoring whatever tiny parts of yourself).
I really wish I had the time/space/allowance within whatever network of individuals such as yourself where I can focus my energy/attention for just learning how to be again - where that was the goal and sufficient enough an, otherwise seemingly self-centered, aim... I'd do anything to meaningfully suffer again and struggle to be conscious as opposed to this completely pointless suffering - unable to finish grieving, unable to choose what to keep and what to let go, just stuck in all manner of needless hell - suffering for the falsity imprinted on me over the truth of myself rather than for even any kernel of truth I can sustain in my current condition and otherwise isolated/otherwise forced to partake in this artificial world.
I don't really look at any other channels, except Soft White Underbelly, sometimes. I just do what I do and try my best to be honest .
Materially I have very little, which can be scary sometimes. So my own healing was at the expense of financial and material security . There is a cost for all of us but what is more important. It is our choice where we place our attention.
For me I simply could not go on , my life fell apart as I fell apart, my choice was made by a deeper part of myself , long buried and insisting now to live free.
You will get there, I feel it.
Thanks again Sam. You find the honest articulated richness in words transformed from the deepest feeling's. Sometimes we just can't find these feeling's through words. ...
It's good to see you Karen. Thank you
Great to listen to you sam
I came here today, because all the news about Ukraine and Israel and other places of chaos got me so full of worry and fear that I needed a spot to charge some different energy. You are so wonderfully intense that it helps me to come back to my energy and to my essence. I didn't notice your new videos for quite a while, because TH-cam stopped putting you on my front page. Damn! Well, I just wanted to tell that I did not drop you, it was the machine. I'm glad to be back and I found inspiration and strength here, as always. Loved the poem as well. Thanks!
Hi Lisa, if you click the bell next to the subscribe button you should get a notification for each video.
I am glad to have lifted your mood .
Best wishes
Sam
I was interested in your reference to the Seals, Sam. We live in a world where the war machine has spread war, in every way, into every home. All our families have suffered from it, in one way or another. And, even in so-called peace time, our institutions are weaponised against us. The real pandemic is trauma. But, as you so articulately say, we can heal. The fact that you have healed and are healing and are here for us to connect with, shows that the time of healing is here. The war machine is wounded and dying (and very dangerous!), but we can heal! Credit to you for your love of truth and for not perpetuating what was done to you!
I still feel pain, but I still feel love. It forces me to know I am it to give. Love.
Infinite, Layne
I wish you peace Layne.
I did just that. I crashed and burned. I’m still on fire. Mum left the family, I am the youngest of 4, kids. That primed me for Cptsd. My dads words were “your mothers gone, if you don’t like it, get the f out!!!” I was 7. My dad got rid of my bro. A half way house, (he’s still there). In prison. My 2sisters died. I had Stockholm syndrome.
My dad died in 2020, he discarded me and gave every penny to a gf! I got away. I lived in denial. I thought it ALL was my fault. Hospitals, etc.. isolation. Devastation. I put all my life’s belongings on the side of the road. And left. It’s been 6 yrs.
It’s my mom who Hoovers me now and I can’t get far enough away from life. Mum says none of it happened. She saved herself no one got their needs met but her.
Thank you for helping me. I’m making that u-turn inward. I’m outside the jar now. I have not killed my self and I know where that voice comes from, from that 7 yr old thinking life hurts. (I want out.) I packed my bags that day. Ran away a lot got sent back to my dad.. at 15!an unexplained pregnancy, at seven months given a saline abortion. It destroyed me. I am not here to hurt anyone. I’m simple easy and yet, I am not a lay down. Thank you for listening. ❤️from my heart to yours.
You are strong to have survived so much . We are troubled and can be very cruel to ourselves but change can happen much more easily if we learn to be gentle with our self, be compassionate to our self.
It takes time to learn how to be a different way and to speak to ourselves with kindness but you have the strength to survive, so you already know you have the strength and will to change. It takes will and the hunger to actually get through and give your self the life you deserve.
Bless you.
@@Call-Me-Sam I’ll be ok. I have realistic expectations now.
Sam. I have a library of books.
Any suggestions as to where I could donate them ? Any where in the world ?
@@Thatsbannanas-d8c Not sure, maybe somewhere local to you.
You are an incredible inspiration! Even though every individual needs to find their path of healing, it is so comforting to come upon others who are having meaningful healing and positive life changes. Encountering you has been another synchronicity that my guides have, no doubt, had a hand in. The poetry left me slack jawed! I’ll have to do a deep dive. Big hugs and lots of love!
I hear and see you deeply!
Thank you. 🙏🏻
I think your bravery and determination are what touch people so deeply. You show them how it’s done.
Thank you
That is so Beautiful your forgiveness of your mother and father …..
I can so relate to the layers of protection, I'm trying to figure out how to access that hurt and release it.. Thank you 🙏🏻❤️
Hi Nicola. It takes time, be gentle with yourself. There are no miraculous cures, just gradual growth in our capacity to do the work necessary to heal.
Still, I manage all the usual stuff, doubt, isolation, otherness etc.
Just know that you are enough, you always have been and always will be enough.
Just be yourself.
I know ! in a way we don't even know what that means.
There are hidden depths to you , yet undiscovered, all there right now.
Your quiet presence is enough , beautiful human that you are. 😊
@@Call-Me-Samthank you, for being loving. I’ve looked high and low for sentimental relating. It was not my post. I just appreciated your reply.
I’m glad you posted this. You are a gifted speaker, able to capture your thoughts so clearly. I suffered abuse only for 5 years but I know how that pain feels from the bottom of your soul. I don’t know how you did it so many years. You seem like such a nice person. ❤️
Thank you so much. Haven't always been but definitely nicer nowadays
We find out what it’s all about. Pity the ones who are older and mean.
Hi Sam you speak to me on a deep level... I really value all of your videos!! You are real, raw sometimes but real... I have pulled my life into few connections. Isolation is safer than too many unreal associations. I'm a short time out of major remembering of past buried deep traumatic experiences.. I feel too hurt to connect much and afraid of triggers... Its easyer to live alone. I had a traumatic childhood then my children turned away from me because of how I've been.... A double whammy... My inner light nearly went out, I lost hope, didn't want to be here and as a mum and grandmother I could leave behind all that grief... I'm doing better at this moment, looking for a new modem if healing! Your talks give me hope and I deepl appreciate you in this world 😌Derp Graditude Sam 🙋♀️Joanna
I couldn't leave behind all that grief. I meant to say...
I'm glad to hear that you are doing better. My Mother and I took years to heal, a part of that healing was learning about her own experiences . My empathy for her own heartbreak is really what helped me let go of anger.
I hope that your own children can find their way to compassion for their Mother.
Love
Sam
@@Call-Me-Sam thank you Sam 😌I do to...
"surrender to heartbreak" you're brilliant
wow exactly wat I needed to hear ,well spoken you make so much sense thank you sam
I'm glad this helped you.
Sam, your videos are such a treasure. Thank you!
Thank you so much
Dear Sam, I am so grateful for your capacity to share your process. You are ahead...on the pathway that leads out of hell, carrying your lantern, shining its light, now here and now there. Your sharing via your videos are a God-send in my life at this time. Been feeling so trapped, afraid of ending up after death as a ghost, a haunt, forever stuck in "unreachable". Yes, every word you shared I understand. I can feel that constant PLEA, from all my primal unmet need to be seen, heard, to be well met. So much loss and hurt, always present, yet the habitual deflection at work of coping/denying. Thank you for shedding light on the utter imperative, which I do feel and know to be true, to STOP the denial of myself/my heartbreak. Yet, to go about this not as another attempt to fix the situation, which feels too familiar...another coping strategy, another form of self-invalidation. Rather to lean into my heartbreak right here in each moment of anguish, desolation and disconnection that is intimately connected there. Thank you. Love, Kathy
Thank you. In the words of David Whyte " I feel like a blind child trying to put together a world. " I'm happy that my sharing helps in some way.
Please Kathy, be very , very gentle with yourself ... don't force anything, treat yourself with kindness.
The heartbreak is an inevitable acceptance of how we really feel and is validating but deeply painful and if we rush , can be extremely destabilising.... Be gentle.
Do you have support, someone that understands and can be with you when you need. ?
Thank you, Sam. A blind child. Yes. Gentleness, softness, spaciousness... my hope is in finding ways to step back, reapproach, innovate...
I tend to confuse gentleness with indulgence... I find gentleness out of reach as far as when I am triggered by stuff: cringe.
I have my dreamwork analyst I've known since 1996 who has great depth of understanding. I get to talk with him regarding my dreams and my process by phone 1/2 hour 2-3 times a month. Since, 2016, I have lost "my people" (my husband, Mike, and my mother (abuser) who lived with us her last 6 years d/t suffering with dementia), those I lived with and saw daily. What a combo, huh? Through death. Others, because I could no longer tolerate the dynamics with several friends that weren't able to understand or support me in my grief and my deconstruction. Too many empty platitudes and emotional abandonment due to their own discomfort/fear of where I landed. So, I have my cat, Zu. I have my horse, Raven, whom I see 2x's a day. I have human contact at the stables every day, but no one is a friend. I have a wonderful new person I see once a week and I read from books out loud and discuss with. She is an artist, author, retired professor who is now 89 years old. All the other animals I interact with dogs, cats, raccoons, birds, etc. The beauty and presences in Nature. I am blessed to live in a beautiful home in the woods. I do feel support periodically from the Divine and from those that have passed, especially my husband and my Dad, but not on demand!
Still, the reality of the level of denial of myself...the losses/grief/regret have exposed more clearly all original heartbreak/desolation that is and always has been present. How I deal with that...yes...needs gentleness...this is a dilemma/irony of doing the hard work, committing to myself, without the push and impatience....and dealing with run ins with my own refusals to cooperate.
I am allergic to the notion of self-re-parenting. I am drawn more to becoming friends with myself. My mind and my desires tend to out race my ability to keep up. So, stuff is easy to know, harder to do.
Thank you for your response about need to be gentle with myself and for asking about support. I feel like I need to apologize to you for my intensity and wordiness...which I'm sure erupts from neediness...over the top. Yet, I realize, from what you've shared, your understanding of this, as well. Thank you, Sam.
My hope is to further inhabit and own my own process/experience in what seems a required season of hermitage/aloneness. Love, Kathy
@@kathyweinstock3264 Hi Kathy, what you describe sounds lovely, relationships with animals , nature and people passed and present. I see no reason we cannot continue our healing with those now gone. Meaningful healing with those we have had unresolved conflict with can still occur.
I see in my own process that as we heal the most mundane experience resolves into ever more intimate and nourishing richness. I think I said in a video a few weeks ago, we are already here, already enough, already occupying the space we need to inhabit, we're just not fully present yet.
You're not wordy or intense, you write beautifully. It's lovely and encouraging for me and others to read your experience . There are many who understand and will gain something from you sharing here.
Love
Sam
Thank you, Sam. Yes, I have hope for continuing to relate with and find greater resolution with my Mike and my Mother, etc.
I love when you speak of the present moment. That the past isn't actually here, now. We are. Yes, to be born anew, to arrive, in the present moment...like in the poem you read of D. Whyte's, Twice Blessed. Like moments when I have experienced glimpses of belonging, peace, stillness, and nourishment.
BTW, I just recently ordered 3 of his books, as I love hearing the poems you have shared. Consolations, Still Possible and The Bell and the Blackbird. Love, Kathy
@@kathyweinstock3264 Essentials by David Whyte was my first book of poetry and still my favourite I think. I hope his work helps you. Consolations will open a whole new understanding of the language we use.
Back soon. Love
Sam
I bought Essentials yesterday 😊 Thanks for introducing him to me...
That was my first book of his work. I recommend Consolations too.
So raw, and honest. So very spiritual (not the poem you!).
Thank you Sam!
Thank you Michelle
💯 food “phenomenon” fowda dark side I hear you !!!
I resonate deeply with your plight of it all …..
Wonderful ❤️ thank you.
I'm glad this helped .
Our quiet presence has always been enuf. Thank you.
I remember when I came out of denial. Slowly the details titrated in to the light.
I would like if you could compare and contrast how healthy families vs. dysfunctional families operate.
Thank you for the video!
I still ooze. I’m sorry
Thank you
Hi Sam, I noticed that your latest conversation with Corinna Cohn is no longer available. I saved it for later but unfortunately could not listen to it till the end. Is there any chance that the unlisted video/audio are still available? I do not really care about technical issues or quality. I just find your thoughts valuable. They stay with me and they linger. Your channel matters more than you know. I hope you are doing well.
Thank you. I'll make the videos you asked for public again for a few days. I hope it helps.
@@Call-Me-Sam thank you so much, Sam, I can see it now. I really appreciate it.
@@ailuyb No worries. 😊
You look good🖤
Thank you Devi
Hey Sam i think your very wierd, but also very relatable. I see me in you. I had a near death expirience just by myself, and it left me scared for death for along time. I felt like i lost everything, completly stripped away from any illusion until only truth was seen. I struggled with suicidality heavely, until that also dissapeared. The thing right now is that i struggle sometimes with feelings that appear like anomalies. Today i felt like puking because i ate food and was disgusted somehow. That went away. Later i went to shower and i got very panicy feelings, that i might pass out. After the shower was done, i layed in bed and after ten minutes the whole turmoil dissapeared and i was happy again to be alive. Everyday there is some strange anomalities with me going on. A feeling that eats at me. Which i cant explain. My mother recommended therapy, did you get therapy?
I have a guide, not a therapist.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Hi Sam, I’ve watched your videos for quite awhile now and still have no understanding of what happened to you. You describe complex trauma but in a rather vague way. I wonder if you might attempt to share your story from the beginning. Something like a video biography? Wishing you real peace from the Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ.
Thank you for your kind wishes. In this video and others I do say that I experienced severe neglect, psychological abuse and some physical . As I said, the minutiae of the detail of what happened and how it affected you continues to resolve into clarity over a long time.
This set in motion a life of desperation and disfunction , the usual elements of drug abuse , self harm etc .
A year or two ago I did make a long video where I went into more detail but I realised that there was just too much I had to leave out that I couldn't talk about or felt that it wouldn't be right. to talk about. Also I do need some privacy, I share as openly as I can for the benefit of those others who are suffering. What I say already reveals that I understand what it is to live with the consequences of complex trauma and that is more important.
Maybe I'll have another go soon and see how it feels.
Sam, I’m happy that you explained so well. It does make sense. Thank you. I want good for people and it makes me feel bad when I hear about what people do to others. I also want to speak out to God and ask help for those who experience pain in all of its many manifestations. I don’t know if God intervenes into our affairs but the hope is there. If divine peace is available, I wish it into peoples lives. When I listen to your videos I fear that God isn’t answering my prayers because you are still suffering. I’m not sure of what to make of that. Please forgive me for my initial request for a biography type presentation from you. You certainly can’t be expected to go into every detail about your life. I’ll continue to ask God to help you.
@@KA2HRO I am still suffering but I am learning to manage those feelings. God and Gods helpers continually guide me of that I am certain . I am given space to make mistakes and learn but even so I feel a patient and guiding intelligence that keeps me on track.
Thank you for your prayers.
Sam, when you refer to Gods helpers, who do you refer to? Angels? People? The thought just came to me about the loss of an actor recently who when speaking of addiction said that it’s important to engage with people. Don’t stay alone because that is when the addiction will win. Obviously I don’t know your social situation, but I hope you have people around who can support you. Don’t stay alone for long periods. That’s the time the enemy will choose to attack. Hope you have a good day. Stay warm.
@@KA2HRO Hi Terry, yes I have relationships. As I said in a video a few weeks ago, I think that is where we really heal and find our self.... in relationship.
By Gods helpers, I mean non physical and physical. I believe that the non physical influence those people who are aligned with Gods will, truth, love and morality. Those of us that are doing our best to change for the better and to help others , then, we can be open to the forces of good that work through us, helping us to help each other .
Conversely, the forces of evil equally have those that they work through.
Just this morning I received an email from someone that was very moving and very soon afterwards under an older video someone left a poorly thought out , almost spiteful comment.
It was removed by YT.
Those comments are always from people that hate. Proving my point, evil uses the weak minded.