Narcissistic Parents: Twisted SELFISH Reasons they Had Children
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 ก.ย. 2024
- In this video, I talk about the selfish reasons narcissistic parents choose to have children. Understanding this will help you see through the facade of their actions and realize that their motives often center around their own needs and desires. This will empower you to break free from any guilt or obligation they may try to impose, allowing you to focus on your own well-being and self-differentiation.
HERE'S HOW I CAN HELP YOU👇🏼
🆓 [RECOMMENDED] Access my free training ‘Build the true self you were never allowed to have’- jerrywise.eweb...
🔥🔥🔥 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their life!- www.jerrywiser...
🔥🔥🔥 Coaching packages- www.jerrywiser...
➡️ RECOMMENDED PLAYLISTS:
** Break Free from Narcissistic Parents & Families- • Break Free from Narcis...
** Escape family roles (Scapegoat, hero, golden child, black sheep)- • Escape Family Roles: S...
** Overcome Toxic Guilt & Shame - • Overcome Toxic Guilt &...
** Going No/Low Contact with Narcissistic Family- • Going No-Contact with ...
** Build Your True Self- • Self-Differentiation: ...
🌐 More free resources available on my website:
www.jerrywiser...
➡️ FOLLOW ME:
Instagram: / jerrytwise
Facebook: / jerrytwise
Twitter: / jerrytwise
Spotify: open.spotify.c...
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 10,000s of people heal from family dysfunction and become the true self they were never allowed to be. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he leverages 45 years of experience to help clients permanently break free from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a strong sense of self.
***DISCLAIMER: THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. BE SURE TO CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL TO HELP YOU INTEGRATE AND UTILIZE THESE CONCEPTS.***
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Hi Jerry,
Would you please be so kind to consider making a video explaining how children, siblings, who grew up together at the same time, with the same biological parents, in the same house, can still have such different experiences regarding their narcissistic parent(s)?
For example:
Me and my 2y younger brother were raised by our (divorced) mother, who took on the role of victim after her divorce and became more and more narcissistic throughout the years. She severely manipulated, neglected and abused me.
I broke off all contact with her about 11 years ago.
However, my brother doesn't seem to have any problems at all with her behavior and is still in close contact with her. He doesn't see her narcissism at all and he is blaming me for breaking her heart by going no-contact.
Throughout the years he was always her favourite and additionally she has regularly told me she was disappointed in how I turned out. She (of course) denies both claims.
How can it be, that my brother has such a different experience with her as a mother? Is he so decepted or manipulated by her? Does she have two faces or two personalities, one for him (and the rest of the world) and one for me?
How does this work with narcissistic parents of multiple children? I'd like to understand.
Thanks in advance.
Your videos have helped me to recognise what has happened to me and to find my own strength and to stand by it.
@@BabyMieuwsame here!!
To use their kids as bragging trophies in front of their peers and relations and to use as a retirement plan.
Both of those things.😳 Exactly what my mother did and said.
Wow. Spot on.
My parents had me so I serve them and be their punchingbag.
I was not created because they wanted to love and protect me.
Don't forget to be used as pawns to manipulate their spouse.
So what everyone does when they have kids.
You missed one huge reason. For little slaves. We were made to do all the work around their house. Us 3 girls were made to please our mother by doing all the cooking cleaning washing and ironing etc. If we sat down on a Sat morning to maybe watch some cartoons my father would be yelling “do something to help your mother “. Now you can imagine how puffed up and narcissistic my mother was. She was the only one in the house that mattered. At 62 I finally walked away from this toxic family.
😡 I’m so sorry
It’s on them.
Some people aren’t right in the head. Kids get the worst of it
Same! ✌️🙂At 62 I saw the light and walked away. Coming up on two years now.
Sums it up
I walked away at 58. I'm 65. There are quite a few people who hung in there for too long. We didn't know any better.
I'm 55 and was an unpaid slave on my narc father's business. Got sick in my thirties, was discarded like trash when I was no longer any use to them and disinherited too lol. I'm now disabled, homeless and basically living in my car, just me and my dog who is the only friend I need . 🇬🇧
I’ve grown more in the last 2 years from going no contact than I have in the 34 years of my life. If you’re on the verge of going no contact, do it!!! You deserve peace, healing, and to be surrounded by those who are for YOU.
Totally and 💯 agree. I’m so sorry I waited so long to walk away. After being excluded all the time from family events and being told numerous times that my parents didn’t really care about me I would just keep going back for more. The last episode of my father screaming at me and looking me in the eye and telling me they just didn’t care did it. I walked out and haven’t gone back. That was 1 1/2 years ago and no regrets whatsoever. My parents are in their 90s and have always been like that. They aren’t going to change. I’m done.
I did it recently. My turn. My new life
It completely sounds like my mum.
66 & went no contact before it was in vogue so can say it was the only possibility to survive & thrive
@@ZaraBird-Wood Mine too.
My mother used to say as a “Joke” that was way too honest, “I had children because I cannot afford servants.”
Wow that’s horrifying 😢
I feel that. Mine said that you can dress babies up and take them out to get attention from neighbours, then when they’re toddlers they’re amusing, then they can help with housework, gardening, decorating etc, then when they’re older they’ll live nearby, take you on holiday, invite you round for dinner, still do your housework…🙄
@@Handle70770 Horrible: it’s a known fact that narcissists tell the truth in their jokes.
they love repeating those 'little jokes' don't they?
Probably easier that admitting she couldnt keep that scumbag outta her pants. The lies abound. God help the parents when the kids learn the truth.
My parents had me because they didn't think to use birth control. Then due to social norms of the era, they had to get married, and they never forgave me for happening.
Sounds like a narcissist parent
Same here. My mother always said she married my father 'because of me." I remember responding "I'm not the one who spread my legs." She did not like that. LOL
@@nancysavard4322- 💯% truth
How can the child be blamed for their birth! But narcissistic parents find a way.
This just breaks my heart.💔💔💔 I'm so sorry.
Lots of people have kids out of wedlock and love their kids. You deserved to be loved!!
My mom used to make me responsible, for regulating her mood. If she was mad, I had to fix it. If I didn't I paid for it.
Thank you for this - my abusers aka caregivers told me and my sister EVERYDAY how much they hated having children. As a child scapegoat I was soooo confused when they would 'act nice' in front of strangers, but show nothing but contempt for me behind closed doors. At 44 I am finally healing .... thank you for helping so many people!!!
Amen!
One time I got into an argument with my mother about not letting her do whatever she wants with me. She said to me, "I curse you so you won't have any success in this life." I told her, "Grow up."
And I was thinking at the time you don't have to do that because you are the curse.
1. Gain narc supply
2. Control & dominate (kids are supposed to obey parents)
3. Fulfill narc needs (loneliness; desire to be seen by society as nurturing)
4. To live vicariously via kids
5. To enhance their image, to seem more respectable, etc.
6. To secure a Caregiver for the future (I guess they fear the nursing home)
7. Bind their partner (using child to control partner)
8. Gain sympathy & attention (struggling parents; use kid as excuse)
9. To prove their worth
10. Validate themselves, via kid's accomplishments, which reflects well on parent socially
11. Avoid their own problems/insecurities
12. To have unquestioning loyalty
13. To recreate a dysfunftional family dynamic
Instead:
1. Focus on building yourself instead of the narcissist
2. Reduce reactivity to the past & their selfishness....things will never be just, narcs will never be punished
3. Work on being SELF-focused, rather than on them
Merci, Jerry
Thank you for the very helpful summary
The sad thing is so much of society SUPPORTS THESE REASONS FOR HAVING KIDS. :( Talk about being born with a job ...
I hear you @a.nonymous2089. I hear you.💜 When my Narc Mom passed 3 years ago, my younger brother was still strongly supportive of the notion that I was born to give her the love SHE needed. I was supposed to be "honored" to sacrifice my life to meet her emotional needs.That was supposed to be MY life's purpose while HE pursued his own life. Now where might he have gotten such an idea?🤔🤦🏽♀️❤️🩹💜
And they wonder why I don't talk about anything personal anymore. After a Narc mother and a Narc husband, I'm still trying to put the pieces of my own life together. I'm rooting for you, too! 💜
I was an anchor baby to hold my father down, and punching bag. She thought she was having a little doll baby but I turned out to have my own personality and that was a problem for her. No-Contact saved my life.
My mom told me the reason she had children was becasuse everyone was getting married and having children. My mom and my dad were not married, but living together. All of my dads friends told him do not marry my mom. He would not marry her, but lived with her. So my mom got off her birth control. She never told my dad. My mom told my dad she was pregnant, my dad was so mad he didn't talk to her for 3 month. She told me she knew dad would never leave her if she got pregnant. They got married when she was 6 month pregnant. She is such awful woman. I am the black sheep and scape goat in the family. My mom has done so much harm and such hateful things to me. I am so thankful for your wisdom Mr. Wise. You have helped me so much! God bless.
Are your parents still together?
@@baileyjohn5010 They are. My dad doesn't believe in divorce. He feels that no matter what he has to stay with her.
@jillbaerg imagine how many people lose out on a nice mentally healthy mate bc of narcissism. My mother has this and I always knew something was very 'off' about her, even when I was very young. I have become aware of high narc tendencies of my dad also since watching informative videos. Mine are still married also
I totally understand. I am blessed with such a amazing husband. I couldn't imagine being married to someone with narcissim. My husband has shown me so much grace and kindness, love and patience.My mom has done so much harm, not just to me, but my dad, Who now acts SO much like my mom. And my 2 sisters and to all of our extened family. I knew when I was about 5 years old, something wasn't right with my mom. It just got worse and worse the older I got. My dad worked away from home a lot. He was a lineman. So my sisters and I had to deal with her moods, rage and outbursts. I am thankful that I am not alone in this. I always thought I was. That it was me. My heart goes out to everyone that is and has been though this. When I went no contact, I had people telling me I was a awful person and that I just hated my family. That I was to honor my father and mother. That is not true at all. I don't hate them, but I don't love them and I just couldn't put up with it anymore.
Why is your Dad a saint for sleeping with a woman he didn’t want to commit to?
Yes! And when children and animals don't fill that hole, they take in vulnerable youth from the neighborhood or foster, which solidifies their status as a heroic and selfless caregiver. Meanwhile, their children get to watch as the new person gets the love and attention they never received. Thank you Jerry for the validation as always.
My mother got the gender she wanted on the first try, so had jo more children, then tried to foster supposedly for me! They didn't get to do that but she picked up a waif at school with her pity party of how their mother couldn't pick them up until later. My father used to pit us against each other in spelling tests to see who was the quickest! He knew I was a clever kid but this boy was super smart, that one in a million protégé kid. He would talk to my friends more than me and it made me jealous and I, lost friendships through it because I was dumb and bout it. Now I see what he did. My mother said she had me 'because it was the right time'! Urrgghh
The triangulation they always use, such a pathetic beings .... I am sorry for you, at the end they did so to hurt you since the very beginning they thought to adopt a kid, so you both always compete for their "love", my narc psychopath malignant mother did and still does it all the time, I never enrolled in the game, so I became the scapegoat.... It took me years to realize all this bulschit , thanks God I am healing but sadly none of my siblings have a clue about narc abuse, my father was also a psychopath narcissist...
Bella and Dallin Lambert. TH-camrs who bought a child to exploit and use her for clicks and views. And for bragging rights.
Agree. A child of a mother with NPD is doomed to s life of neclect and heartbreak, even the golden child has to perform, utter pressure.
They had us only because they couldn’t stop us pitiful accidents. But we soon devolved into the whipping posts of their resented entrapment.
My covert narcissistic mother tells me she loves me as a way to gaslight me. I don't understand how you can make someone so miserable, ruin their childhood, talk sh!t about them behind their back, hit them on a regular basis, constantly tell them there's something wrong with their brain and so on... and think you love that person. They think decades of abuse was just a simple human mistake, NO, it was a CHOICE.
My mom did this also. It was very creepy feeling and I always wondered how she could do all she did plus be so mean and neglectful then casually say that (like on the phone). One of the best things is to listen to your body .. this will point to the things we can't put into words right away imo
This not choice this is crime
it is a choice. They know enough not to do it in public...
Omg that's what I've been saying for so long! I think the same way. It was about 20 years ago when I concluded that my narc father never loved me. I refuse to accept any kind words he may have uttered because the venom of his insults was too real. I know what he REALLY felt about me when he insulted me.
Dealing with a narcissist is different than healthy adults. Because it's true that sometimes healthy adults will accidentally offend us. But IF healthy adults ACCIDENTALLY offend us, they would also sincerely apologize or explain themselves.
Dealing with a healthy adult is an entirely different scenario and I hate it when people try to conflate the two scenarios.
I am a 58 y.o. male single without children, son of pathologically narcissist abusive father and enabler mother. My sister married and had 2 daughters, who are now adults and having their own children. I was never given anything by my parents, not even a gift for Christmas or my birthday, they don’t even remember. They never did anything for me that required any though, timo, or money. I can live with that, but now I am living to take care of my parents and all the narcissism that they had toward me has turned into love and generosity toward their grand daughters. They think about them all the time, talk about them all the time, give them money all the time, watch their videos and photos, know their birthdays and give them money (they are relatively wealthy working adults) while they never gave me a penny as a child and still don’t remember my birthday. So, beyond a lifetime of narcissistic abuse, what now hurts and offends me the most is how they can be so selfish to me, and so generous and loving with their grand daughters. I wonder if it is common that narcissistic parents have an opposite behavior with grand children.
That is a great question. Your situation makes sense, knowing narcissists. Because often their actions seem puzzling until you see some sick agenda. I hate to say this, but I'm sure there's some narcissistic agenda to doting on grandchildren. They must be getting some supply from it. Maybe they are bragging about their grandkids in their social circles to gain status. Something... But it's still not coming from a place of genuine love. It's some sort of manipulation. I would be wary of it.
The danger, I fear, is if they're getting some supply from the grandkids and then the grandkids somehow threaten that supply, they would be abusive to the grandkids. For example, if they're getting supply from bragging, and then one of the kids decides not to go to college. They wouldn't like that because they want to brag about their "successful" grandkids. OR if the grandkids choose some occupation that they don't "approve" (because it's not something they can brag about)....
Just makes me worried... I wouldn't trust their kindness to the grandkids.
I believe what you say is common as I saw it multiple times, I believe it might also be about time and energy - when you grew up they had to pay for you and work and do all things necessary so you were a weight on their shoulders and they didn't like you for that. Now the grandkids - the grandkids are taken care of, all they can do is have fun with them and if they are tired give them back to you. So - it's just an expression of their selfishness, really....
They are narcs. They are giving to your kids specifically to hurt YOU. Read your post. Their behavior is making you REACT and be hurt. That is their goal. Also, your children won't understand your situation and pain if they do this, and they are trying to rob attention away from you from your offspring. They are evil. I am sorry.
Another thing I noticed besides being slaves to our parents is when coming out of childhood and becoming a “person” I really started seeing much hate and resentment. As if as long as I was totally programmable I was useful. Becoming a person who starts to see the truth was forbidden and very punishable. I haven’t stopped seeking the truth ever since.
And when you don't fallow the script they assigned to you, you automatically become the scapegoat....
Well I wasn't given a script and became a scapegoat as far back as I can remember Maybe 5? If not younger. She often said we began to have problems when I learned to say 'no'. I'll let you do the math.
@@nancysavard4322 that's what I metaphorically meant by "script", it's the role they want us to play for their convince, when we said "no" or didn't act the way they want us to react it's when we become the scapegoat
My narc stepmom married my dad, who had two young children, seeing his children could be used as domestic slaves. Other than that, she had no use for us except to raise the two kids she later had with my dad. I was totally abused, and as an adult I made sure I had no children so I could live my life as I wanted.
I have no children either.
Same 🖐️ I was too afraid I'd parent like my parents. "No child deserves that." Says me in the present to child me of the past. 😆
I determined to never have kids by 10 years of age. Because I refuse to treat anyone that way, and I knew that I would, I had no other way to be. I KNEW that I would, and I refused. 74 now, and I know that I was right.
@@jeankipper6954 you beat me in deciding that by 3 years, I was 13. My stepmom made me raise her kids when I was only a kid myself. I even remember the exact moment when I said to myself "I will NEVER raise another child, I'm going to have MY life as an adult!" I've never regretted that decision, I am 62.
@@jeankipper6954 p.s. I am an artist, a writer, a scholar and I've had a wonderful life! Without kids.
14. Narcissistic parents have children because they made a mistake. I was always told by my mom that I was born by mistake.
Yes, I was told I was a "surprise " myself.
I wish they would call it carelessness or gambling. A mistake implies that some thought went into it and it just didn't turn out quite as planned. Carelessness and gambling is much more fitting, so many parents let loose and have fun and say "it'll probably be fine" until it's not and then oops as if they're so shocked because they were so careful, yeah right...
@@AA-iy4gmIrresponsible, Ignorant, Promiscuous, and Trifling can also describe them.
My Father falls under every term.
My parents said I was an accident. Like they ran their car into a pole. Didn’t help my self worth.
You should've said, "Right back at you. I always thought fate made a mistake making you as my mother."
Wish I had understood these things years ago. My mother dies not love me, I was a tool for her worship. I don't matter unless she gains something. I'm irrelevant. What a lost life.
Robert your not alone brother 🤝 hang tough man you got this 👊🏼
I feel like my life has been wasted too 😢
We all wish we understood years ago .. and so thankful we do now. I think the internet really helps us access such important informative content such as Jerry's. Otherwise we would not know where to begin. Not all therapists understand this condition to the point they can give countless real world examples
Her life not yours
My mother told me she didn't want more children because she already had 2 from a previoys marriage. I was told my father only wanted my brother (a son) and she tried to abort me by bathing too hot and drinking. I hated her. I chose to be childless because I was so afraid of becoming her, which I did not. I chose dogs. My friends tell me that the way I doted on my dogs and took care of them, I would have been a great mom. Too late, Im 63, I got another puppy to raise and love, he is my furbaby.
Similar here. I never wanted to risk tormenting someone the way my mother did me.
Same. I was also worried how they'd be affected by my parents. I have now fur companions (I always did growing and it was the best part of my childhood. I learnt to give love and caring from them. I learnt im not some sott bof aelfish, thoughtless person my mother made me out to be. My grandmothers who died when I was young taught me how love felt, though it was fleeting and hurts to this day that I didn't have them for long). Watching people with animals tells me a lot about them. My mother and father with my cats (this was accidental as they were rescued as kittens) is exactly how they would have been with any children had I had them! Luckily cats are very independent and they're not stupid! My eldest knows my father is an idiot and that my mother gives of stand offish vibes. I remember her coming round my house, it was funny because my cat was making one of her 'calls' combining trilling with an uptake in tone, meaning I need your attention some food please. I turned automatically to do this and my mother looked on disdainful and said in an irritated voice "oh, she doesn't need anything". That's exactly how she was with me! ✌
You are so spot on. Not once have I ever seen these parents hug and love their kids.
My husband only has one picture of his late mom, and she's smiling and hugging him, it's such a loving moment.
I have loads of family photos. No one is touching, hugging or genuinely smiling. Not one.
When I realized that, it hit me hard.
@@madeleinegrayson8372 That was my epiphany too! On a visit to "pay homage" to the long-suffering martyr on her birthday, and being ignored, I took a walk down the hallway and really looked at the gallery of family photos on the wall, and there it was plain as day staring me in the face. The totally ambivalent mother.
@@sharonthompson672 in a way, I feel sorry for them. It must be cold, and lonely. I'm grateful to be alive but I just don't get why they have kids. I know he answers that here, lol. But it still amazes me. Especially those of us who were left to raise ourselves. Why bother? My mother's family had alcoholism and drug addiction in the house, and I was never raised or taught to be aware of what that meant, or how it damaged and shuts down a whole family.
I wish we'd both had affectionate parents. We certainly deserve them.
My mom didn't start hugging me and saying she loved me until I was an adult. She had awful family herself so this I understand and forgive. I just cannot forgive how she continues to behave and I am close to 50. It's painful to have a child for a parent.
@@madeleinegrayson8372my mom said several times she had me to have someone to love her. It's really delusional. They know that children naturally care for their parents. No care about what the child needs, though.
This describes my mom, in-laws and ex-husband. I’m so grateful I chose to stop the generational trauma at me and be the parent I needed toward my own kids (and myself).
👏🏼 good! I am a chain breaker as well! ❤
I’m the oldest of nine kids in my family. My parents are both emotionally immature in lots of ways. My mom is has borderline personality disorder and strong malignant narcissist tendencies. She seems to fit several of these categories. Beginning at age nine I was put in charge of my younger siblings while she went to the “grocery store” for hours on end. I am also her scapegoat. I stopped contact with her 4 1/2 years ago. She is exploitative and cruel to everyone including her family; she’s a predator.
I was 6 when my mom put me in charge. She started out by making us take a nap in her bedroom. And closing us in the room, telling us to stay until she came back. Which could be hours on end. I'm a mother, I don't even let my teen son stay home alone 😂. So sorry you experienced this. No contact is wonderful!!!
There's a time my narc father told us that his cousin, who was abroad, had told him he will never amount to anything and in response, he said that by the time she comes back, he will have settled with a wife and kids. Now I understand why we came into existence, for him to prove a point that he can be in control and control we have been, my mom included. But we are healing, knowing more and getting better.
Yeah ... gotta agree here. The sad thing is when THEY DON'T EVEN REALIZE THIS.
This is what I’ve found to deal with narcissistic parents-
First off, it realizing their entire relationship was TRANSACTIONAL. There was literally no love at all but rather a means to gain some kind of control (sex, money, etc.).
This was the case with my father and mother… he was allegedly a veteran based in South Korea during the Vietnam conflict, while she allegedly worked at a restaurant. He looked to satisfying his loins and a servant to clean his clothes while she was on the prowl for money (though it wasn’t mentioned outright, prostitution might have been involved back then).
Their getting eventually getting married stemmed from his narcissism and need for control.
All this came to a head when I was hospitalized for a stroke back in May.
That’s when things came to a head with not only their relationship (lots of talk of money and transactions) but with me as well (my father said, “I don’t care if he lives or dies!” were his exact words, as I was talking to my wife at the time- she told him of my situation, and he made that statement to her).
Since realizing the nature of their relationship, I’ve realized that neither are worth my time, as they’re both guilty of what was mentioned in the video. I’ve realized that neither were “parents” in the traditional sense, but they had simply let a scheme play out for their own purposes until they couldn’t any longer.
As such, neither person holds a “parental” title, or has the gravitas associated with it. Since both people took part in a transactional relationship, they are not parents, and their status is nonexistent as a result.
When you look at the nature of their relationship as transactional and nothing more, and that you’re not to blame for it, it changes your perspective immensely.
❤
I like how you articulated your thoughts..bravo, friend! ...there could've been prostitution involved had me laughing..thx
@@charging7 lots of women in certain Asian countries are encouraged by their families to entertain Western men as a means of financial attainment. Such was the case when I lived in Thailand. Funny but truth!
I'm sorry you experienced this but it's wonderful that you gained an understanding and established a boundary no matter how unfortunate. My mom was same with my dad, she just needed a family and attention and I am positive my purpose was to keep him around.
Number 4 really sat with me, my mom always tried living her life through me. Even a divorce, she always wanted me to divorce my husband because “because her parents never allowed her to divorce.” She tried to control also what I studied in college and what kind of man I married.
A sick woman. As if your a little pawn for her to use just for kicks.
My parents check off almost all of these
Yep.
My narc mother and sister check these as well. Same.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent, I recognize so much of this. I finally had to go no contact and it was one of the best things I've done and it has brought so much peace.
However, one out - another in - the mother of my partner's kids is a full on narcissist. Her reason for having them was simply because one of her little fluffy dogs died prematurely....she uses them as an excuse and a constant source for acting the martyr and playing the perfect and self sacrificing mother for attention and sympathy. She pretends the father and I aren't in the picture and caring for them half of the time. She's on social media telling everyone how extremely busy she is because of the kids and how much work it is and why she isn't getting anything done (they're teens btw in high school, not toddlers)….It's yuck. I guess the good part about it is that we see right through it, the virtue signaling, the extreme attempts at control, even using the kids as pawns to try to control my boyfriend and cause chaos in our home and relationship (even though they've been divorced for 7 years)... all we can do is continue to provide normalcy in our home when they are with us. It's disappointing and frustrating to see the damage being done.
Narcissists who are really into shady business and dealings love to use children and animals as shields because if you bring them down their family suffers too. In my area I've noticed a lot of narcissistic types weaponise dogs in order to harass and escape accountability by blaming the dog.
You're right, they use dogs for supply, when they're outside they practically shove their dogs at other people by letting them off the leash or extend their leash into other people's space just waiting for someone to compliment them or if someone asks them to not do that then welcome the drama to play victim, they also use it as a weapon and revenge like against neighbors, they leave the dog out and don't train it properly and are amused that they're inconveniencing neighbors, if they are bored or feel down well so will everyone around them.
ESPECIALLY Pitbull and other fighting breed owners. Multiple peer-reviewed psychology/sociology papers have been written about this.
@@truthiseverything9511YES. One of my neighbors has a pitbull that she lets roam around all of the time! I have a small child and when we go in the front the dog is out in everyone's yard! They had another pit that somehow "disappeared". No regard at all.
_My narcissistic mother was uneducated but very beautiful when she was young. She married a very erudite and wealthy older man i.e. my father. He finally divorced the miserable and hateful woman after 27 years of marriage. He is traveling the world with a younger sibling and having fun!_ 😆💙
Image, ego, spite, an infinite source of supply for all three.
@@DrmCom2003All is just about that, nothing else. 100%.
My mom's amends to me was that she never loved my dad and she did not want to have kids.. It is brutal but it is the truth that will set me free...
In other words, they never had them because they had an abundance of love to give--and wanted to love and care for another person.
I mean even that is kind of narcissistic. There are billions of unloved people in the world, all of whose lives would be better if people with so much love to give directed it at humanity and charity.
Why does abundance of love have to be given to our specific direct descendants?
Like excuse me but most people don’t even know how to love, bc they were never loved. Caretaking is not loving.
It’s why tons of people get paid to take care of others they don’t love, and why we can truly love someone we don’t take care of. Perhaps they even take care of us!
But to bring someone into the world who will NEED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF….
Just so you can be the one to take care of them….. when there are already BILLIONS of people that need to be taken care of, and are not….
Is literally what he’s talking about.
If you can love, truly, then love all the people that exist. Why do you need to make more just for YOUR LOVE to have somewhere to go? “To love” is a verb right?
It’s not a noun. So it’s not actually a resource of which there can be an abundance.
Just love at all times .
And caretaking is noble and wonderful and of course we’d do it for those we love….
So why would we have to create new humans to do it?
Narcissists literally think somehow they have an abundance of love to give and that they’re good caretakers.
That’s why they have children. That’s why it’s described in this video and many books.
💯 Exactly!
@@nataliaalfonso2662 You are a narcissist. Very obviously. Why are you here?
??? Uh, no
Everything is so true in my case. Also, I am 30 and unemployed and found that they never taught me to get a job despite I being a good student and now when I know it then I find myself completely exhausted and torn down and unable to get out of this house which is a prison for sure.
When I was young, I literally moved in with the first person who would have me. I had to pay for driving lessons since they never taught me or encouraged independence. The best thing I did was getting a job in a nursing home that paid for my CNA training. Little did I know then that agency CNAs can now make nurse's wages. That would've saved me a student loan and additional job stress. I pray for your independence.
Narc parents want children to be financially dependent on them
Never give up learning researching planning and executing and believing in yourself. Best wishes
This video explains my mother's reasoning fairly well. But for the life of me I can't figure out why my father had children. He wanted nothing to do with us, and when he did have anything to do with us, he complained the entire time or he was roped into punishing us. He seemed to take a lot of glee when punishing my brother and me. He never asked us our side of the story or why we 'did what we did'. He took my mother's word and enacted the punishment. There was never any discussion. He told me numerous times in the past "I let your mother raise you." which was a horrible thing to do because my mother was too destroyed by her own childhood trauma to be a proper mother. He flat out didn't care. He ruined our family with his indifference and his negligence and then abandoned us because he wanted a life free of the responsibilities HE CHOSE TO UNDERTAKE.
I found out this morning that my father has a brain tumor. My stepmother is pretty torn up, but she doesn't know the man that I know. She was expecting me to be sad, but all I could think of was that I hoped it killed him and finally ended his miserable, hateful existence. I feel nothing for him but contempt.
He had the power to change things, to give us a better childhood than he had, and he chose to do nothing. I won't forgive that.
Thank you, Jerry. Hang in there, survivors!
Sounds like my story but I came to the conclusion that it was the stepmom who was the narcissit but dad was just a "narcissist enabler" - I think your dad might also have been "enabler" - for these enablers do what the narc wants them to do (not care about you but them...) - which is sort of just as bad...
@@okshadowbannedjet7981 enablers are abusive. Allowing abuse is abusive. Fathers that are passive and hate families they created are disgusting.
My father had me as his kid because of everything other than love
My NPD father wanted someone to reflect his greatness, a mini-me. Being a different person, I never succeeded at reaching his imagined level of perfection and, despite many positive things about me, he perceives me as a failure because I am not the carbon copy of him. He writes letters telling me what a terrible person I am and telling me how wonderful he is.
Sorry, but what a bastard!
Why you are letting him still to abuse you with those letters?
@@FreedomAboveAll4 That's why I am looking for a therapist.
@@LarrySmith-fk8hs I understand. My father is grandiose narcissist, similar to yours he think he is perfect, and mother is covert so i need very good therapist. Hang in there.
@@FreedomAboveAll4 I got a similar combination. My father is Covert/Vulnerable Narcissist . My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder. They divorced when I was thirteen years old. It was a difficult childhood.
This quesrion bothered me for a long time. My mother thought kids wouls make her happy, complete and fullfilled. Yet my father....no love, no affection, support of any kind but control, domination and constant abuse
This was my family dynamic too. It was terrible.
Somebody had to do the work around the house, keep the yards nice , paint the house , remodel the bathroom, cook dinner , dust ,vacuum ,
Watch my little brother, and protect my little sister, pick up the dog poop, take out the trash trim the trees ,wash the windows,change the oil in her car , detail her car, replace starter batteries water pumps etc etc etc 🕳️
Dads passed now 10 years gone , Mother still alive and took my 2 daughters because she has money to leave them 👀
No contact is better than an inheritance ⁉️. 🪤🐁👈don’t be like I was choose freedom 👉🧀 away from the trap 🥀
While dad was with his mistress and mom was kicking my ass because I was the easy target (Empath) 🫤
In my life I loved them all 🙏🏼😔
Sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic. I hope you haven’t been estranged from your daughters as a result.
After 44 years of abuse I can't decide between possible inheritance or no contact. I was the scapegoat and target for the whole family of these NPD demons.
Mine had two more (me and my brother) b/c she got attention when we were infants. When we grew out of that I got ignored, bro became the golden child.
My moms 3rd marriage had 3 kids to give here a lot of supply. Mainly 2 of the 3.
7 children throughout the marriages
Both parents; six marriages,11 children
Oooh at 6:00, I have suspected for SO long, how destructive dysfunctionals probably do all their chaos creation as a big distraction. Keep other people from paying too much attention to detail, because their whole messy life is constantly on fire. Or, even to stay constantly distracted themselves so they don’t have to face their inner turmoil, mess, and sickness. I knew it! Thanks Mr. Jerry Wise. Another home run.
I believe my parents checked most of these points. My parents didn’t “have” me, they adopted my sister and me. Talk about “wonderful” people, lol!
My mom recently died and I’ve found notes/ugly comments about me. I haven’t even gone through all of the stuff she left for me to see. It’s super weird.
There’s a lifetime of stuff to fully process.
I had my own labels for my parents when we were planning on having kids…all I knew was that I was not going to raise them the way I was raised. Things I stuffed down came up after our first child was born. It’s been an interesting 63 years let’s say!
Mother in law said she wanted 12 kids,stopped at five as the marriage was going down the tubes,my husband was sadlu the scapegoat,he suffered.terribly and took his mom to court at 12 to be set free from the abusive family system.
Wow! Good for him! That was a very remarkable 12 year old!
My mother, when asked if I was planned, said I basically just “happened”, so basically I wasn’t planned, but also not necessarily wanted. That shot me in the heart. It’s been years since that, but I will never forget that. Smh. 🤦🏾♀️ but I will NOT let my family of origin dictate the family that will come from me.i can also remember my mother would always get annoyed when we would ask to talk to my dad when she was on the phone with him. It was always an issue. Not to mention the phone voice vs her actual self.
Jerry Wise here going scorch Earth with some facts. It’s interesting to ask parents why they brought their children into the world, especially within the context of their place in life at that time. I rarely hear a good reason.
i wish i had the nerve to forward this to my sister. i feel so sorry for my niece
I have gone no contact with Dad but then one parent gets ill and all of us are dragged back in. My bp is up and stomach is back to hurting. I hate this.
All that worked for me is NC with any of them. The narc pitted everyone else against me, the scapegoat. Absolutely ruined any relationship w them w snide misleading comments. Guess they never cared or dared to investigate further. This is why it was 'easy' to walk away
@@nmc1859 that's the frustrating part, isn't it? That no one bothered to ask for your side? I went no contact 30+ years ago, and it cost me most of my family.
@nancysavard4322 it is frustrating. She really has a game going. Won't 'let' anyone have a relationship, see or talk to me without her presence or acknowledgement. Makes comments to make it seem like she is the victim in all this. Now after 8 mos NC she says she wants to meet with me. Never asked how I was or anything. Just says she hopes we can meet. W a kiss smiley ???
Last time she wrote was a letter 6 mos ago saying I'm not allowed to have a relationship w them (if I tell the truth).
Haven't responded to either. I don't want that bad energy or abuse back
You don't have to talk to them. I am NC and I meant it. My brother tried to reach out to me when our BPD mom was sick, I told him to keep me posted and then blocked his calls. There is nothing I can do, nothing that I want to do. I have done more than enough. Let them handle it while you rest. They use emergencies to suck you in. The more recent one was our family dog dying. I said I am sorry to hear that and reblocked the numbers. You are not obligated.
My mother said to me long ago that it was "too risky" to have only one child.... she wanted replacements in case the golden girl would die.
Horrible!
Your amazing Jerry !! Out of 100’s of TH-camrs discussing this issue your one of the few that gives us the tools to deal with it not just understand it
My sisters and I couldn't be better than them. Financially
Same. Both mine for different reasons didn't want a successful child. Then they act as if they're hero's for giving me money after I turned 40! They didn't like having a clever child and worked against me being better. Ended up in dead end jobs.
Yes! Thank you for this brutally honest explanation.
I agree, naive or in denial people say apologetic and fake things like "they did their best" bla bla or don't believe these reasons, so how would they explain so many children that grew up with it and as a result of having such parents ended up having challenges and issues, anxiety, health problems, imposter syndrome, trauma, people pleasing, depression and so on? Just because they find the truth uncomfortable, these children are supposed to shut up about their experiences or minimize it once again for the sake of appearances, yeah right. Glad Jerry is shedding light on all of this.
I used to joke that cinderella had it easy! Father hated me as a little girl.
He hates my 2 brothers , envy!
Excellent list! My mother used me for labor in her rentals. At 14 I was scrubbing floors and painting walls. She did pay me, but I don't remember ever having a choice in the matter. I get angry now just thinking about it.
I mentioned it to my brother recently, and he sort of defended her, saying it's a good thing to let kids earn money. But this was pretty intense labor, and he admitted his own kids would never scrub floors!
Same here - people leave "the nest" for various reasons, but I left because they would never leave me alone: "Have you got something to do? We need this done and that..." just passing by would get me a few more tasks to do...
Imagine the ex male parent leaving, abandoning own child but joining another family where he can be the “hero” for seven (7!!!) other children.
I waited 27 years for him to sit down with me and just talk. He always said: he loves me - but he refuses to talk every single time and disappears for a few more months/years. I turned 40 this summer and I asked him to let go of me, but he refused that too. He literally enjoys being unavailable, worse than any “romantic relationship” kind of narc.
He broke my heart thousand times, and he would do it again. My only protection is diving into my art and not thinking about him. (Demonic behavior full of emotional incest)
Sounds like my mum.
My parents let me go when I set boundaries and stopped doing everything they want. It was very unexpected how fast this happened after that. I am still surprised. I had to ignore 2 hoovers but there is nothing more to say. ❤
My mother with NPD told me that marriages without children are not normal
You're most likely the most grown-up mature rational thinking person around that looks at the situation you bring a child into and someone that'll be on the earth for 100 years bless you
I heard that too from my late evangelical friend 🤣🤣🤣
my narc mother taught me to cook and clean at 5yo. i made them breakfast in bed one or two times at 5-7 yo and didnt want to do shelaid a guilt trip on me. she had me to be her caregiver. there is 7 yrs difference between myself and gcn bro. she made his bed up to age 15.
Literally my narcissistic father said was so great about having children was that "it was so amazing to create something that was half made of me". Nothing about being able to love another human.
Profound! Thank you, Jerry! It's as if you've peered into our parents' family life. Seems Mom and Dad were compelled to distract everyone outside the family, leading others to believe how wonderful they were while neglecting their children while disregarding the obvious problems at home, primarily Mom and her pathological behavior.
I found the most effective method for resolving the issues was to walk away.
Such helpful advice -everything has to revolve around them no matter who miserable it is making their children and everyone around them ..
Your videos are so helpful! I'm finally coming to terms with my narcissistic family dynamic and letting go of the past. This has brought me to my self focus. I've listened to you talk so much about a self focused perspective, but I wasn't able to engage with it until I was done obsessing over the abuse and ready to move past it. It feels sooooooo good and I cried tears of joy in therapy today ❤
I was born so my father would "calm tf down and stop his physical abuse" of my mother. Oh and, "it's a duty to replenish the population also, have two" love my mother pregnant with my sibling on her second marriage to incidentally to the man whom... groomed me.
Point by point- dead on- do you know my Mom?😂
I remember my narc FIL told how he asked my husband when he was 4 if he wanted a sibling. My husband (who was *4*) of course said no. Fil took it literally. I suspect he didnt want anymore kids and if asked he could just blame my husband. " well he said he didnt want any siblings so.." Nasty work.
Yeah, he checks all these points.
Someone at work today, after being asked, told a coworker that he did not choose to have his own kids - although he likes them - as he knows that when he makes his bed, he will have to lie in it. Not a decision to be taken lightly , he said, laughing the whole time. 😂
Once again - Jerry Nailed it.
Wise man never misses
Children are old age insurance policies in 3rd World countries. Population reduction in these places would consist of a guaranteed standard of living for the elderly, (aka adequate food, clothing, shelter). When the living standard goes up, the population decreases. It's unfortunate that entire cultures operate like this.
my mom had 4 Trophies! she WARPED all 4 lives she CREATED
Letting go of needing things to be just, fair, or anything else!😊
It is so sadly true. Your list of reasons why narcisists have children hits hard when I look back at my life with my parents 😢
Building up oneself is great advice.
For this reason which you have stated I rigorously reject drama in my life and create stability for myself. Thank you Dr Wise.
One more reason to expand on the comments saying that some did it out of social expectations - Narcissists seem like deep down they're actually cowards so that reasoning makes sense. As much as they judge others and try to stick out as special, they dislike very much to stick out for not meeting expectations, they dislike being on the spot and being different in ways that are not so popular, in this case being child free.
They don't have the guts to be authentic, they don't have the guts to challenge others in healthy ways. They know how to fake their existence and how to talk behind people's backs and say what they think through passive aggressive, snarky "jokes", at least this applies to some of them if not all.
For my mom, she had a family to control others. Its too obvious looking back at my childhood as well as the way she treats me as an adult. Even to this day, she cant take my advice on anything merely because it was my idea. Ive always played sports and musical instruments. So if I never took advice from others, I would've never been a varsity golfer in high school or toured our great country as a musician. Advice is HUGE in my world.
How do you think having a woman stay in a house for 15 years and be taken care of having babies affects a person in their early twenties the rest of their life
My older sister helped raise me and my brother when she was a teen, and she is now 46 with no kids. My parents ruined that for her
My mother used to tell me often “being your parent is a thankless chore.”
Topical! The behavioral divide between private and public (bragging rights & bragging rites) parenting too often yawns like a chasm. I suspect (though I have not researched this) that many psychotherapists and psychiatrists have been created by narcissistic parenting.
00:18 🧠 Narcissistic parents often have children to gain constant admiration and boost their self-esteem.
01:19 🎯 Children are used by narcissistic parents to fulfill their own emotional needs and desires for control.
01:55 🌟 Narcissistic parents may use their children to achieve personal goals and enhance their image.
02:33 👥 Children may be seen as future caregivers or tools to bind partners and gain sympathy.
03:01 🏥 Narcissistic parents may use children to avoid their own issues and focus outward.
03:34 💔 Narcissistic parents might seek unquestioning loyalty and recreate dysfunctional family dynamics through their children.
08:02 🛠️ Self-differentiation is crucial for overcoming trauma and building one's own identity apart from the narcissistic family.
09:01 🧘♂️ Reducing reactivity to past issues and the narcissistic behavior is important for personal growth and healing.
10:09 🔄 Focus on personal growth and self-awareness rather than trying to change the narcissists.
THANK ❤YOU SIR!
#13 is a mystery to me. Why do they want to recreate suffering and pain?
I guess it's easier than healing themselves. Also, they want to be the bullies. I guess they see it like it's their turn to be the dictators... revenge.
Many people take revenge in their couples what their mothers and fathers did to them so, why not their children too?
My guess: they want someone to experience what they experienced, so that they will feel less lonely; bonding through shared suffering.
In my opinion, No real answers indeed.
Only
*The banality of evil*
(quoting Hannah Arendt)
And yes, it's a revenge of theirs, too. Against anyone they meet on their way
@@matthewdietzen6708 yes they like bonding through shared suffering
Why did you decide my life? 💯 of the reasons. This cycle is done and Brocken because of me, I’m focused on me.
I didn't have children because I didn't want them (at the time I didn't understand why exactly ), to feel as bad as I did. Nor did I want to perpetuate things. I couldn't be certain I wouldn't be jealous of them. Now I know I could have done it but it was the right decision overall.
@@bereal6590 Wow. It’s interesting you feel that way. I had to realize that I am not like the horrible people that raised me. I’m myself
#6: Retirement plan/Life insurance policy
My mother had kids because she would automatically have power and authority over us and would be required no questions asked to love, worship, and adore her.
I felt like a maid to my family and at my dad's wake i found out he never mentioned me to his friends i guess i embarrassed him
I want to give you a HUGE thank you!! I've been using all the advice you have given on your videos about how to handle narcissistic family members and it feels sooo good to not react, to keep my boundaries. I feel so free from their terror! Absolutely wonderful! I worked on me for years but just didn't have the right tools to handle them but now, thx to you, l do. Thx again and l will recommend you to anyone l know dealing with the same. ❤❤❤
My father wanted someone to worship his every word, fear him, and obey him. My mother wanted to play long suffering martyr and dress up doll and went so far as to drug me to make me sick until I wised up to it. Joke was on both of them. I had undiagnosed AuDHD, ODD, and was a huge tomboy. Nobody got what they wanted, and even though I paid for it plenty, in the end I went no contact after my father's death and my abusive mother died alone.
I see two paths in my life. If I’d had a marriage and kids in my 20s I would have perpetuated dysfunction because I had no clue about narcissistic family systems. Or do what I did which was to go to grad school for a career. So why do healthy parents have kids?
I'm realizing more and more that my mother is pretty narcky. Now I understand what she meant when she'd say things like " ... a good reason to have many kids is you always have some who won't let you down when the others let you down... " Why, recently, I was being kind to my younger brother who struggles with addiction on top of his TBI. She yelled at me "... don't be nice to him!..." Sickening. Gee, I wonder why my sweet brother has issues with the occasional binge drinking! My heart is broken 💔 but, i will continue to rally for him! No matter what the witch says or does to me! Btw, kindness doesn't work with her. She'd prefer to complain. She doesn't even consider that just because I don't complain, it doesn't mean I don't have pain. Washing my hands🫸🧼🫧🫷stick a fork in it, I'm done wasting precious time & resources.
Addiction is result of trauma. It's a way to numb the pain, the anxiety and depression, although it depress more the nervous system.
@@Lyrielonwind yes, I know. 🕊️
Favorite therapist on TH-cam ❤🎉
My mother often proudly told me that she used my older sister’s birth as a way to make my dad marry her. And he admitted that he did it so my sister would have his last name. I was also frequently told by both that I was supposed to be the boy so they could have one of each. That wasn’t the case, so he completely shut off and she decided my role was to be her therapist and mini-me while my truth-teller sister should be the scapegoat. And yet, in the many 3 - 4 hour interrogation sessions disguised as “needing to talk” with my mother, I was always accused of being the selfish one. The more I say and see my truth written out, the more I have to laugh at the absurdity of it all.
After they abuse and neglect us what us to care for them. I only want my child to take care of my will and funeral directive and get my inheritance.
Exactly. Cremate me and have a party with the money. 😂 No one has time to sit around and take care of needy people for the sake of it. That is what they bet even though most of them don't even need care when they are older. My mom is fine, I'm the one with challenged health dealing with her.
EXCELLENT - ALL!!! Clear and powerful...!! GREAT video, Jerry! 🌹
Narcissists love families and religion.
To prove virility.
My parents were perfect people, and could do no wrong: and it was important for everyone to see them as perfect and infallible.
When they got married - the perfect union! 😉- I am convinced that they had us so that nobody would ask them what was wrong with them.
Of course they were better than everyone else, and never tired of reminding us that nobody reached their own high standards - and my father would have a meltdown if you looked at him sideways.
They might have shown off about us, I don't know, but never showed us off in our presence, and never praised or complimented us, or passed on compliments from outside the family. That wasn't their job. Their job was purely to tell us what we'd done wrong.
And they had my brother's degree and profession mapped out for him before he could talk. He ended up mapping out his own life - good for him!
Straight to the point.