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6:20 - 7:00 - That’s what my brother and my mother dud yesterday… I decided to leave the house yesterday and my dad raged out, saying: “go let’s see who’ll pay your bills?”; that’s all he does is rage out and my mother enables it and then due to women’s hypergamous hypocrisies she victimologically neglects my manhood during my interpersonal abuses wuth my father stating even that we are hurting each other when clearly I’m the one being the scapegoat you can try and try to explain all of these things that doctor Wise is explaining and she deflects from it all. Only I’m the monster who has to be subjected to psychiatric treatment as advice from my lawyer after my sister made false allegations of domestic abuse against me. I don’t see the African continent developing until the familial dysfunction is eradicated, being more common in the upper classes by what I can tell.
I heard someone say “if you live in a two parent household with one abusive parent, you have two abusive parents”. Enablers are abusers, too. Often enabling parents gaslight kids into thinking they’re also a victim & they’re all on the same level against the abusive parent, or that it’s the kids fault for triggering the abuser. Do not forget, they were also an adult who knew better and chose to please the abuser for their own sake instead of protecting the children.
they also make you feel like they have a 'different' relationship somehow with the abusive parent, as if they're in a better position to be treated fairly. it sends the message that you're on your own, and it's very invalidating
When my Malignant Narcissist mother finally died at age 74, all the adults in the family apoligized for not protecting me. Of course I consoled them, but I was thinking "For my whole childhood, I was alone & helpless & miserable, and every one of you pretended her abuse was all MY fault. Just once, couldn't one of you have stood up for me?" To this day, it infuriates me how 99% of people will cater to bullies & sacrifice others to avoid a tiny bit of conflict.
I am so sorry for your pain. I think i know a bit how it feels. I wish you had never have to experience this Hurt and loneliness. Take good care of yourself. Love you. You deserve it. God bless you.❤
My enabling parent would now respond alternately between 'It wasn't that bad,' 'No parent is perfect,' 'It didn't happen that way,' 'You misunderstood things,' and 'You deserved it because you were a bad child.'
😅 My mother wouldn't even have such conversation. She laughed when I told her I didn't respect my dad because of his violence. And she, for letting him, she was always present. But, I would not dare say that to her.😖
We build a house upon a foundation with the tools that we are given to build with and the instructions that we are given to build. Our parents are those that teach us how to build that foundation and give us the tools to do it. You did the best with what you were given, give yourself Grace and move forward with your head held high. Be the person you want to be. And don't let their words of the past cloud your present. Stay strong!
My dad defended my NM until the day he died. She could do no wrong, ever. No matter how many times anyone tried to talk to him and tell him things weren't right, he woudn't listen. She controlled everything. I got so sick of hearing him tell me that she's my mother, and I have to love and respect her because she's sacrificed so much. In which lifetime? Not this one. He was her biggest flying monkey, and now he is gone. She is now in a nursing home and she controls nothing. Karma is great.
My mom is also a NM. I remember asking my dad why does he let our mom treat us that way. He only said he didn’t want our family to live in separate ways if he tries to intervene. Oh yes, now I know why, he is the enabler. He was silent after all these years even if he knew my mom is wrong.
@@Maria_Maria_SanI know the feeling. I've sat across the table from my mom as her boyfriend screamed at me and she did nothing. These people aren't human
"She's your mother" was the CONSTANT justification my Dad gave for her abuse when I was growing up! I had such a bad impression of mothers that I swore I'd never have any of my own - and I didn't. I've been happily married for over 40 years now, and only recently started to realize what I missed by not having kids.
I had this conversation with my father about 2 years ago. I was 47. I told him he never protected me. He should have reacted when we were young (my sister and I). He said to me that he was not strong enough to fight against her. He said « It’s like the way it is », meaning that I had to accept the situation and my life. By saying this, he kind of helped me. Suddenly, everything became clear to me. I had always thought he was a victim of her as well, so I would help him when he would ask me for help (for example, he would ask me not to fight with her when I was at their place, because then she would be evil with him when I go back to my home). He asked me for the protection that I never had from him ! We had reversed the roles. Since this conversation, I don’t feel sad anymore for my father. He can be sick, have surgery, die…. I feel like I don’t care at all. Because HE has chosen HIS life. I CAN CHOOSE MINE. I have to take care of myself now, and heal from my childhood. Needless to say, when I fight with my mother, he defends her, even on the phone, he takes the phone and tells me to STOP ! like I’m the evil daughter. Besides, without being the narcissist that she is, he infantilizes me lot. I’ve realized that both my parents are toxic and impaired my development.
oh dear, I am sorry to hear that but, do you really still get into arguments with your mother? Maybe it's time to stop giving her what she is looking for.
I realized that about my stepdad. He wasn't another victim, he was part of the problem. I cut all communication between mom and him. Friends suggested it long ago, but cutting family off seems wrong. I'm 13, 14 months free of them and life is good. That stress is out of my life.
Yes -- this was/is my experience, too, except my dad never asked for my help. I saw how my mother treated him and I would step in between them. I would not let gaslighting and bad treatment go without trying to make her see (which she never did/does) that she was being mean, unfair, illogical, etc. The hardest part sometimes was that he would sometimes get mad at ME and tell me I was being difficult. Now THAT is a lonely place to stand! He never acknowledged that *I* shouldn't have had to fight her behavior ---- that it was actually HIS job. If he had ever said, "Honey, I appreciate you fighting for me, but that's my role."...it would have made all of it worth it to me. I try to find the place to forgive him...to see that this was just not something he was capable of doing. It takes the sting out of it, though the memories still make me sad/mad.
True. My enabling dad would constantly throw me under the bus to appease my narc mom. He will also mirror her abusive behavior towards me so that her wrath is focused on me and not him. My enabling dad is just as evil, if not more, than my narc mom.😢
They didn’t protect you from abuse bc they’re selfish and only care about their “peace”. They’d rather you be the sacrificial lamb than actually fighting for what’s right and for you.
EXACTLY. If both narcissistic then it's more they can't be bothered to do what's right, if enabler they either fear blow back or protect only their denial and "peace" which is still essentially narcissistic.
I think sacrificial lamb should replace scapegoat ....it definalty is much more fitting, and although the term may seem more "cut throat " so to speak...if we look at it as a metaphor when comparing the emotional pain and anguish alongside the cutting of the throat and bloodshed I feel it successfully...and properly illustrates (in a metaphorically speaking obviously kind of way ...lol) what it feels like when trying to have your voice be heard, while in conversation with one narcissist and one enabler ..
Omg preach, this is exactly what my mother did constantly letting my dad get away with his awful behaviour, and she was also acting passive aggressively towards me and my wife as well. Once when my dad had been blanking me for months(for stopping him punching my brother in the face and inadvertently knocking him over) and still doing it on my birthday I told her that I'm going to let him know what I think. All she replied with was "ill be really upset if you do". My feelings didn't matter.
My father ran into burning buildings on the lower east side of Manhattan for a living, but couldn’t manage to protect his children from the hell of living with their covert narcissistic mother
My father was also NYFD-decorated. Approached a 150 IQ. My mother was fairly bright too. I’ve come to the conclusion that people lock horns for a reason. In their childhoods my mother was abused and my father gravely neglected. How much is genetic? Genomic? Situational? I dunno. Probably all involved. To be fair we don’t get out of our childhoods unscathed. W/awareness we have to cope. As for locking horns-birds of of a feather…I try to filter new people. No new fast-friends. I seem to attract other such products and see them coming. I live in Philippines. I see expats coming. Many are men running from their ingrained losing. A white American can’t be here without income and cannot have a bad moment in public. My litmus test is screening for self destructive tendencies. I don’t attract mean people but people who were raised as me.
When I confronted my mother about my father’s abuse, including sexual, she said “If it’s even true, you should get over it because it’s in the past!” She then started sobbing because my father was in love with another woman. She is still with him. Her fear of being alone and having less than she has now, is bigger than the pain of abuse. She willingly put an abuser before her own children. I cut all ties with them 15 years ago and moved abroad.
I'm sorry that happened to you, it's so fxcking schitt.. I stood up to my Mum a few weeks ago and she said the same thing, "They say you should just someone because of their past" 😐😐😐😐😐
my mom was very abusive and prone to screaming narcissistic tantrums. this was a weekly routine. my dad was so sweet, and we got along great. i loved when it was just the two of us running errands and bonding. he never yelled or tried to hurt me. however, he was so scared of my mom, when she flew off the handle he would beg me to apologize to her just to keep the peace. he was too afraid to stand up to her, and minimized her behavior. he wanted to believe she was a good person and would be better if we just did as she wanted, but nothing would ever be good enough. she was miserable and loved making us miserable. i begged him to leave her, but she threatened him with custody. when i was 18, they finally split, and when she left it was like opening the window and letting fresh air into the room. i had a wonderful time living with my dad until he passed away. our relationship was everything it should have been without my mom ruining our lives. i’m almost 40 and a parent myself, and my mom will never ever take accountability. she still insists we deserved everything she did and she was the victim. i struggled to forgive my dad for enabling her, but i know his kind heart prevented him from admitting he married a monster. i still love both my parents, but i only forgive my dad. i do not forgive my mom or welcome her in my life because she isnt sorry and will keep behaving her way.
Same but opposite parents. I brought not protecting me and my mom cried. I’m a naturally forgiving person though, and I am very impacted by everything, but I have moved past it with them and healed some of it. I told my dad off but never asked for him to say sorry cause it’s pointless. I’m very lucky because they actually relaxed a lot in older age so a lot of the dynamics have shifted.
We had a version of the dynamic you describe. My mom was a borderline. My dad would admit to us kids that our perceptions of our mom were correct. After Mom died I had a great time taking care of my dad. My brother's said they loved him but rarely gave him any time. Not addressing these myriad problems hurts the entire family. These situations are so very common. I think mental illness is why so many are accepting a fascist cult.
The commitment and bond the enabler has towards their narcissistic spouse is stronger than the commitment to themselves and consequently, their children as well.
I’m speaking from the place of someone who is noticing the same patterns creeping up in my own life after growing up in them. If you are a child growing up with those circumstances, your self-esteem and capacity for self-respect will take a hit (If you don’t receive it elsewhere.) I’m in a position now of always trying to “prove myself,” or earn the respect of others at my own expense. I will try to please the one person in the room who is unpleased or try to interest the one person who is disinterested. Even when there are other people who seem to indicate some level of interest or act kindly. I am not a source of my own validation or self-image. How I am seen by others (or how I think I am seen) affects me greater than how I see myself. I find myself defined by other people, and always rubbing up against the confines of their inadequate and inaccurate definitions. I see myself becoming a page in other people’s book with every action I take. Im acutely aware of objectification in my life and my oppositions to it have made relationships very difficult. My life tends to be living in response rather than initiation. Pursuit becomes inconceivable, only surrender. When your existence as an individual is diminished, and you become a “thing,” or mere possession, the potential, significance, and weight of anything you produce is diminished too. ❤️ I can see myself in the same process of setting myself up for a bad partner. I too see myself blinded by my own ideal and intoxicated by a certain attention of acceptance. I see when someone has become more important to me than myself and I feel when everyone has become more important than myself. I see when I recede into the background while others take the foreground.
I adored my father but never forgave him for turning a blind eye to the abuse I got from my mother. I tried to talk to him about it once a few years before he passed away but he acted bewildered. Yet when he was seriously ill and mum made it all about her he said 'I thought that we would look after each other, I looked after her for years and I thought she would look after me' it was then I realised he had no idea who or what he had married and had children with.
Absolutely true! My mom was like an innocent victim in my perspective for decades. It took a long time to realize she was part of the game. She took no action, and didn't protect me. It's painful and relieving getting closer to the truth.
This is exactly how I’ve felt my entire life. I’ve always had self awareness - able to recognize my patterns of behavior….but I just couldn’t retrain my brain. Watching the emotional neglect childhood trauma videos has made me feel more validated than I ever have in my entire life. I finally pinned down the root cause. Sending positivity your way 🙏🏼
I was adopted into a family like this. Dad was alcoholic, bipolar and a narc; my brother eventually left home because of him and I stayed to help “protect” my adoptive mum, but a few years ago I finally had to admit, I should have left much earlier myself. She made excuses for a grandmother harassing me over being an atheist, and they all turned a blind eye to my dad’s creepy behaviour while I was growing up (trying to follow me into the bathroom, ogling etc).
Wow, we had the same mother. What's worse is her playing dumb. She used to act like she didn't understand why we hated our stepfather. REALLY?! Then, when I got older (and married a different kind of narcissist), he told her to come live with me when she got cancer. I was a part of their game for years. I now help my daughter deal with her narcissist father. Fun.
Just figuring this out myself. My narc dad and passive mom. I am 45 with 2 kids and was married to a narcissist man for 18 years. I have NEVER acted like my mother. I teach my kids about narcissism and I left their dad 3 years ago. I never make my kids feel like anything is their fault or make them feel bad nor responsible for adult behaviors.
Learned helplessness, neglect, and a hidden message that the abuse was tolerable or somehow “okay”… I was an adult before I even realized the abuse (it was all verbal/emotional narcissistic abuse which is harder to see unless you know about it)… I’ve spent the past 20 years learning and trying to understand the abuse, unpack everything it did to me, and find healing…
Same experience here! But with the Mom/Dad roles reversed. My father invaded my ADULT life and utterly destroyed my life and family...a replay of my childhood. My mom defended it and his narcissistic, destructive intrusion "This is how he shows his love..." I exploded and confronted her, "That's not love! He's NEVER loved anyone! Including you!.." She broke down in tears and cut off the conversation😭💔😭 Truly tragic. For her and all of us.
"you were fed clothed and you had a roof over your head" is always thrown at me... I didn't ask to be born and my parents made me feel like I was the burden, my mother is much worse then my father but NOW I can see that it was never my fault... and there's nothing I can do to change things... I just need to try and become the best I can be, but growing up like this makes you into your own worse enemy.
@@LilPoopsie it's a hard lesson to learn that you aren't to blame and it takes many attempts to learn but thankfully I'm getting there... I'm on my second attempt of no contact... First attempt my now husband didn't believe what was going on and encouraged me back... But now seeing what was going off even as an adult he completely respects my choice. I don't blame him it was a lesson I needed to learn
Those words are probably my biggest trigger for disassociatio, flash backs, full on panic attack, etc. Except for me, it was always combined with "I don't need to tell you I love you."
@@ashleyclark6202 I'm sorry you had to go through the same things too... I found things get a lot better the more distance is put between myself and them... I'm a nicer person too family isn't what you are born into it's what you make xxx surround yourself with people who accept you for being you... This is a lesson I learnt once and have had to relearn it.... Good luck with your new life it will get better and easier
@@katietereszczak I'm working on it. It took me getting sick to the point my doc told me the common cold would kill me and my mother being pissed I had to leave after helping her move for 6 hours (I spent the next 4 days in bed unable to move) and not staying to help longer, for me to finally realize who she really was. Since then I've been realizing the other toxic members of my family and cutting them out one by one. It's kind of lonely right now, but I'm in counseling and know it'll get easier. Thank you for your kind words.
Possible response to this statement: "Well Mom, sadly, he may have truly done the best he could, but what does it help to know he truly 'loved me', when I never felt it?"
@@sbsman4998mine just confessed that he “did everything for his own happiness, *had* no concept of consequences, didn’t take my mom seriously when she told him the consequences of serial cheating, and that ‘he did what he thought he could get away with” Yeah I’m starting to get a reeeeeally different picture from “trying his best” all this time. I relate.
@@jerrywisebrilliant response, thank you. I'm going to write it down and practise it in the mirror. I have a huge deficit in knowing how to respond to certain things --what to say -- growing up with a screaming Narcissist mother and enabling doormat father.
@@sbsman4998 I know someone else who was told that when she was recounting how their father would just walk in to a room when they were little and bash them for no reason That is not love and that behaviour should be acknowledged for what it is Those who don't are just self serving cowards
My father was the enabling parent and was happy that she was torturing me instead of him. She had to torture someone. That was just the normal. He never put her in her place. Never defended us. He would join in the torture to please her. Awful.
it's hard when the enabling parent is also financially dependent on the overtly abusive spouse :( Edit: IM TALKING ABOUT MY DAD. Stop assuming the women is always the victim in my replies!!!
@@frusia123ohhh when my father got really sick, seriously. My mother got the upper hand financially. Even more so when mid-stage Alzheimer's set in for him; she calls all the shots dealing with money now, NOT him. And what was more difficult to take was learning how my NM manipuated HER father (yes, my maternal grandmother was covert and he was an enabler too) into saving up to what became her $7M inheritance. I wish I was joking. While NG's father (my 2X maternal great-grandfather) was narcissistic, most of my extended family narcs are female. Yes, they dump on my wife, too. I'm just saying the shoe can firmly be on the other foot - but I refuse to carry on the tradition of being trapped.
My father was a enabler and one day he looked me straight in the eye when I was in my late 40s and said, “ Every day you get up and life kicks you in the ass”, like that was news to me. I had already freed myself of my malignant narcissist mother and him. He was clueless. I did not get any comfort, he just stayed out of it. I had to try really hard not to laugh in his face when he said that.
It is so heartbreaking when your enabling parent is watching you suffer but says and does nothing to protect you. If your parents were your biggest bullies and you have survived, and you heal from the traumatic ordeal, you become unstoppable. Thank you 🙏 Jerry 😊 God bless you❤
Exactly. I suffered a heart attack on the spot - twice - when being abused by my mother in front of my dad as a teen and young adult. He did absolutely nothing. Now years later I confronted him about that and he said, "Well I worked a lot you know and was never there, " - completely disregarding the fact that he was actually physically present at the time.
It took me til age 32 to finally tell my abusers to get f****d even my dad who was the enabling parent. They wouldn't see reason so I said my piece and took my peace back. Most empowering thing I've ever done for myself 🥹 trauma cannot and will not be forgiven and won't be forgotten. History doesn't have to repeat itself
I have come to be like "this is how I am too". And then I proceed to say and do whatever I like no matter how much they get irritated. As Elon Musk said: "F**k them".
My mom was the narcissist and my dad was the passive quiet type that ignored everything. When I asked him why mom treated me that way he would just tell me to try and ignore it. I really feel like both of my parents never loved me. There is no real love shown in my family, I was the scape goat child that my mother hated and heaped mental abuse on my my whole life.
My parents told me to ignore my brother's abusive behavior, but when I did, the abuse got worse. I started fighting back and then I got punished for "starting a fight"
Thank you so much. It's something that bothered me for years. Why didnt the so-called "healthy" or "well" parent protect us? You're so right, we internalized self-neglect.
Because i stood up to my father during his raging punishment, trying to reason with him to stop, my mother insisted i caused the rage myself and deserved every blow and shaming remark.
Are you me? That was my teens and 20s. He’d get right up in my face spitting and screaming at me.I’m a girl. I was terrified but pissed and would scream right back. But it was my fault of course.
Same thing, different generational role. Keep your distance from them all when you can. They're already making up their own narrative about who you are, whether you are there or not. 😢
I've caught my parents making up lies to cover up the awful things my three siblings have done that no longer in contact with. (1 out of 3 didn't do anything terrible like the other two, he's on my list too to never speak to again. What can be called an ENABLER! PS--the worst offender of the three claimed in an anonymous phone text that it was supposedly him and my older sister who encouraged him to hack my phone)
My narc father would say that my enabler mother was an angel. She could do no wrong. She defended him and allowed the abuse. And the us kids thought of her as above reproach. She was no victim, she used it to her advantage. Always deferring to him and coming to his aid, leaving us to our confusion and pain with no help.
My mom is a narc; my dad was an enabling/co-dependent secret alcoholic. I used to put my dad on a pedestal because he was a kind and loving person, but he would stand by and watch my mom's abuse and tell me that "we just have to let your mother have her own way.' I live 8000 km away and went no contact with my mother at Christmas. I have been experiencing grief, but not for what I lost, but for what I never had. 😢
My story too, other than the distance. I’m 3,300 miles away. My grief comes in stages, and I accept it as a natural part of healing. It’s truly sad. Now I am practicing spiritual kintsugi and gathering up my broken parts, mending myself into wholeness with golden thoughts. Our childhoods were not ideal to say the very least. BUT we can repair ourselves. The narcissists and the enablers of the world will not or cannot. Pat yourself on the back and give yourself a hug. You are you. Most likely you have a *heart* of gold.
I desperately BEGGED my father twice as a child to divorce my mother and get my sister and i away from her. He didn't. He spent his marriage hiding at work to avoid the chaos at home and when home he hid in his room to avoid conflict. It's one thing i can't completely forgive my father for. He should have protected his children. He did not and we have suffered our entire lifetimes because of it. My sister died relatively young of cancer but had she lived in sure she would still be suffering the effects of my mother as i am. It's completely shaped my life (destroyed my social skills and any chance of happiness or a relationship)
@@TinaButcher-r6m isn't that sad???? My dad just did his best to avoid everything which unfortunately included his 2 daughters. We were all walking on eggshells 24/7 and that was the only way he could find to deal with it. He should have gotten a divorce. At the very least he would have escaped her wrath and it would have possibly been less volatile at home for my sister and I. But idk, she may have just increased her attacks on us:/
@@TinaButcher-r6mmy dad did the same thing always pretending to be “busy” especially when other people would come over to the house probably out of embarrassment of his own cowardly behavior and trying to avoid conflict. Is this stuff that common or what
Spent 20yrs with my wife and I see now I was the enabler, unknownly for few reasons mentioned here,but for me it was my duty to protect and help my wife. The abuse I suffered was destroying me but I stayed, the abuse of my children was very well hidden from me for many reasons. Then it got so bad I couldn’t not see it and that was it, my 3 children are with me and we have not seen or heard from her for almost 2yrs. We have got professional help and support and we’re healing and happy, some men just love blindly are to loyal and want to save everyone in there family. That was me but a soon as I was aware I saved my babies and live with the guilt of not saving them sooner..
God bless you bladen.💛 It’s not easy to accept your role in the dysfunction, but you did and you did something about it; which is commendable. 💛 Try to imagine what it would feel like if one day you could release that guilt and replace it with feelings of empowerment, humility, compassion and empathy for yourself and the pride of knowing that you found a way out of the narcissistic fog and a way to help yourself and children start anew. ✨ Although you can’t change the past try to allow yourself to celebrate and embrace the fact that you were able to remove yourselves from the cycle and give yourself and your children a chance for a healthier and happier future. 🫶 The trauma bond is a debilitating place to be but you found the strength and courage to break free from it which took a large amount of courage and resilience to do. 💛 Sending you and your children healing prayers of continued strength, peace, faith, hope and forgiveness of yourself and each other as you continue to move out of the darkness and into the light. 🙏💪✨🕊️
I find it hard to believe parents don’t know the other is abusive to kids. I think it’s just not bad enough for them to take a stand. If we are very tuned into our child’s moods and how they operate we will see it. And abusers don’t abuse just when the other parent is not around I think it’s more like we didn’t know how to deal with it or didn’t want the co n sequences. We parents who grew up in dysfunction will become dysfunctional parents and often don’t see it because we grew up with that being normal.
Butterfly I do believe as you say that we all try to deal with it in the best way we know how which can be extremely challenging when you are being gaslit all the time and don’t even know what that word means until you become awakened and aware in recovery. ✨ Personally I used to fight the Nex all the time and try to make him aware of the effect of his behavior was having on me and our children and it would go on deaf ears. In response he would then tell me I was crazy, making stuff up and tried to convince my children that I was trying to break up our family. After being hammered with that so often you start to question the reality of it all. There were many times I would try to tell the kids to stop fighting him and to change the subject because I knew distracting him and redirecting his focus would make it stop for all of us temporarily in the moment. It wasn’t turning a blind eye it was more of a defense mechanism to help us survive in the chaos. The enabling spouse often is the one that emotionally regulates the narc spouse; which is an awful place to be in, but the alternative is often much worse. ✨ I agree with you butterfly that dysfunction breeds dysfunction which is why I have so much empathy and respect for a parent like bladen that finds a way out for him and his children once he saw what he could not unsee. Twenty years of narcissistic abuse and the CPTSD that comes along with that is not something that I would wish on my worst enemy and the fact that he chose to lead a different path is something that many wish they could do, but so few actually find the courage, strength and awareness to make happen.💛
@@abutterfly7975 yes I was raised with abusive mother, and what I seen with my wife was similar and I would lose it. Some how I would be manipulated by her vulnerability and childhood into be leaving she need help learning different and she was a victim too. I also work very very long hours and didn’t see my family a lot because I had my own business. Once I got a better understanding business went and I got my kids away. Yes I played a part with my own dysfunction but without a conscious awareness how is one to see it? Though I agree with some of what you’re saying it’s never black and white and it comes across as victim blaming. Again once aware I got my kids out how many can say that..
My mom was cheating on my dad before I was born, and she benefited from him taking it all out on me. She had a good reason not to protect me. I was begging her to let me leave so I could at least finish my school in peace, but it didn't happen. They destroyed me completely. I learned my profession at the age of 40.
Proper: Congratulations for your tenacity, strength, and determination. You survived, got out, and learned many life skills. May you continue healing, and go forth with pride toward your own personal goals. There is many, many good things the earth has to offer you! 🌟
Mom always said I wasn't uni material so I got a student loan and college degree instead, some people are never even that fortunate, cut your losses count your blessings, 🎉❤😊
They didn't destroyed you completely ... even it feels like that. It's you who went and learned your profession at the age of 40!😃😎 It's also you who learns about these dysfunctional patterns and work on your own healing. You're still here and rebuilding yourself. 🙂💪 And we are in this together with you.
My mother still enables my narcissistic father. Even after he left her for a younger woman. It’s taken me years to finally realize that my parents were the problem, not me.
Mine too! My dad cheated serially on my mom and she KNEW. yet she chose to stay. I was 14-15 when he watched hardcore porn on the family computer in front of me and went to the bathroom for a conspicuous time after as I watched tv. I was the one who had to overhear him yelling at my mom. “What does it matter who’s effing in the bed next to us?” As he tried to coerce her into swinging which he did. I learned from my mom to go along to get along, stay with abusers, put up with disrespect and control, and neglect myself in favor of the man’s needs. My dad normalized awful sex crap that abusive partners have repeated on me. Turned out those things were felony SA. My mom still treats me like a burden and prioritizes my POS alcoholic father who, every night when she falls asleep, goes to the computer room to chat up women via gaming and watch porn at 74. The best part? They’re both Fox News devotees, as in that’s the only channel they watch and they believe every word. 😢
My Dad worked away Monday to Friday. My Mum was cruel to me and lied about me constantly. If I tried to tell him it wasn't true he would shout me down telling me not to answer back. Mother smirking behind his shoulder. When I was early twenties with two toddlers of my own he told me that he knew exactly what went on. I broke down crying and asked why he didn't help me, he said he was tired from work and didn't want the hassle. Biggest betrayal of my life.
Adult child of an emotionally and verbally abusive mother here. My dad was the passive enabler. He never stood up to her and allowed her to destroy the lives of three children, but for the golden child. Healing from this hell has been taking me my entire lifetime. And I am still not fully recovered, hence my comments here, and video watching. Wishing you well on your road to recovering the TRUTH of your being and the happiness you deserve.
The nap thing with Dad is really something. At times I wish my Dad would have just leave us. He was a teacher and would get home at 3:30 and nap till 6. Then eat til 7. Then do paperwork till 9. We were not allowed to speak to him till after 9. Only for 30 min. Most of the time he faked a headache and went to lay down. Great Dad.
Sometimes the enabler is also being abused and that's the best they can do. It sucks, it hurts, it causes so much damage - but it's the dynamic that the abuser creates. Its survival in the moment
I came from a narcissistic dad and a weak mother. I ended up marrying narcissist. They say you go with what you know. I got help. I got out. I have been making it up to my kids ever since. Most have forgiven me. One hasn't. I was scared and unsure. But I am still to blame for my part. I live with that. Reach out to your kids. They are in pain.
This is very important. But… Something no one talks about is that when you leave your narc spouse, you are often NOT supported by your family , friends, or community , and often directly undermined, and that means you can end up losing your child to your ex, or to the very dysfunctional “system” who can sides against you when your child acts out because of the abuse by the other parent and the abandonment or abuse by the others . Yes sone parents could have left and had a lot of support, but others will only be undermined and can lose their child , putting them in a worse predicament. We live in a very dysfunctional world now where people don’t support their own family & friends even in crisis.
Yes. Absolutely. Despite the pain of living with my mother, his greatest fear was losing us to the system if they divorced. He was afraid bc he wouldn’t be in the house
exactly, all these therapists just say leave your family , thinking of a small part only missing the bigger picture. life is a lesson we all have to learn, and it’s never easy
@@SanctuaryGoodLife that is very true It is quite common for families, so called friends and the community to side with the narc no matter how bad they are I knew a girl who left her crazy husband All her children , siblings and so called friends went against her When l left my violent ex most do called friends did not support me and my mother and sister did affidavits supporting him saying their was nothing wrong with him and he should have custody of the children They both knew how dangerous he was He ha already cut off half my hand with his saw and nearly did the same thing to our young daughter I don't talk about it because on the odd occasion l have l am met with a blank look and the subject is changed Most people have no idea what it is like not are they interested as it may ruffle their comfortable lives So l press on with my children and the few people who are trustworthy
That’s where my father the enabler is. “Well, you had food, clothes, a roof over your head….i did my part.”, he would say. He wouldn’t get, that he blew it especially for me.
They have children and treat them like livestock basically. Completely neglect them spiritually, emotonally and psychologically. Actually, they sometimes treat animals better than their own children.
Pathetic that's what he is legally obligated to do and that's the bare minimum. If a parent doesn't provide adequate food, clothing, and shelter that's called child neglect and a crime. SMH. That's the equivalent of telling someone you should be thankful I didn't violently assault you.
Once i’ve seen how my enabling father was comforting my cousins, he was gentle and happy. I was 27 (same age as my cousins). He NEVER was so kind to me. Like he became a different person. Now i realise he loved them. Not me.
I remember 1 time my mother left my father and she asks me and my brother's if we wanted to go with her or stay with our father right in front of our father.. We were all terrified of our father, so we chose our father. My mother slammed the van door and my father drove away. I remember looking out the back window at mother as we drove away.. I wanted to cry for her to save us but I was so scared.. At 8 years old I also knew already the toxic cycle with my parent's. I knew my mother would eventually return back to my father. So I made a survival decision by staying with my father because if my mother went back to my father with us then we would all get beaten for choosing our mother..
Aka “so why were you expecting anything better?” with blank stares. It’s like … hello… you were supposed to be teaching me to be a successful person but bait and switched me to raise myself AND uncover what you are AND how not to die….It’s gut wrenching.
My mom is the malignant narcissist in my family. My dad has done all of these enabl-y things. The realization of how aloof my dad was is a recent discovery for me. He told me that he stayed so that he could have as much access to us kids as possible. He didn’t think that he would ever get to see us if he divorced my mom because she is relentless in her pursuit of vengeance and punishment- which is absolutely true. That said, he downplays the severity of our experiences in childhood. My anger and sadness from his behavior is a new discovery for me. It seems like the list of things to heal from gets longer faster than it gets shorter. 😣😕
My enabling dad wouldn't even admit to any of the abuse going on, even when she would call us abusive names or speak rudely or beat us or play way too roughly with us or dunk us repeatedly in pools or the beach to where I would end up gasping and crying and running away from her. By the time I was around 8 I refused to put on a bathing suit and swim when taken to a pool or beach. She did a lot of it in front of him but we got it so much worse when he was at work. Good luck❤
My father too, he knew if he left she would make sure he never saw his kids again and would strip him of every possession and penny he had for the rest of his life.
Aw man. This hit hard. Both of my parents are cluster Bs. They have major trauma from their childhoods that they didn't bother to resolve. Of course, they passed it on to my brother and me. My mother is a fire breathing monster. We all were tormented by her daily because she would not, could not control her emotions. My parents were married for 30 years before my dad packed up his shit and abandoned the family. And then he had the nerve to say he stayed so long because of us, his kids. He blamed us for it as if we had any say in the matter. It's been three years since my 'marriage' collapsed and I had to move back 'home' to the toxicity that I learned what my father was. I hated him for leaving us with her while he got free to have a nice life without his burdens that HE CHOSE to undertake. He was the enabler who sat in his recliner completely zoned out and disassociated when my mother would go on her rampages. He did not protect us from her. I don't know why he had children. He never cared about us even a little bit, and he resented having to do anything with us. He was a provider, but he thought that's all he was required to do. My dad was "safer." He didn't yell the way my mom did. I realized he wasn't screaming at me because he didn't care I existed. You can't be angry at something you don't care about and as a result hardly see. My bro is completely estranged from him because he is deeply, deeply enmeshed with our mother. My bro is a monster now too. Both of us are irredeemable failures in my old man's eyes. Failures that he hung out to dry. I'm nothing like my brother, yet he compares me to my bro constantly. At age 40, he has no idea who I am. He never bothered to care. I'm a pretty decent person. I was a good kid. I had to be. When I started figuring out what my dad was, his selfish, cowardly behaviors made sense. But I couldn't figure out why he was so hard on me now that I was home and seemed to hate me. I hadn't done anything majorly wrong in my life or to him personally. I struggled with no help from anyone. I did pretty good considering, could have turned out a lot worse. When I confronted him to hold him accountable -- not blame -- he lost his mind. Gaslighting galore. His favorite phrase is "That's just your opinion." Zero empathy for me trying to explain how much he hurt me, hurt us. Anger and denial and trying to force me into feeling sorry for HIM, that HE was the victim in all this. His mask fell off and has been off ever since. Demonic narcissist through and through. Now he's lovebombing me, and I feel so confused. I can't go no contact with any of them right now. But when I can, I am out. They all have hurt me too much and pushed me too far. I grieve what I never had, but I won't shed a tear when any of them croak. We were nothing to each other. Thank you, Jerry. Merry Christmas, survivors. I hope you all manage to have a pleasant holiday in spite of all the hardships and struggles.
I relate to your story. I have difficulty cutting my family off at 52 yrs old. The love bombing is to keep you around. I’m coming to terms with my family dynamics and that it will never change. My son has cut them off but I still keep one foot in even though I feel disconnected.
I feel so sorry for the pain. Sadly i am also feeling it. The truth of no love no caring no ... went jo contact 3 months ago hope you cen do the same . It is not easy though
Damn bro you need to gtfo of there. I have a very similar story man, and I walked away from my parents, brothers, aunts, uncles, and everybody i knew 5 yrs ago. It was so hard lol, but it taught me so much about myself, and what im made of. Seriously its like a long vacation. Its amazing how good life gets without these toxic demons out of your life. 🙏God Bless brotha
Everyone psychologically gamed each other for how long, only got their own needs met at any cost, your brother obviously fell into the pit. For the love of everything decent you were the one who cared but just stop. These jerks cosmically owe you. Take what you need from them now, don’t give one single damn how it seems or how they might feel. Then when it’s safe for YOU and works for YOU, drop them like a pair of crutches you don’t need anymore and learn to dance! Screw em, they don’t know what decency is and they owe you your karmic reparations. Take it from them and then go be healthy and teach other people. This is why I hate these sick people. They want healthy people to be their emotional support pets that need nothing back.
Holy moly. I grew up with this family dynamic, went no contact (finally) just a few years ago. The amount of anguish and problems this caused me with making friends and relationships and self esteem is just something I dont think I'll ever be able to forgive. The fact that my enabler parent never drew the line or stood up for themselves (or me) just makes my blood boil. Its so unfair. Ive spent so much money on counseling and coaching to undo the damage and I've made significant progress. God damn its an uphill battle though. Learning how to not be ashamed of your very existence is quite difficult bit its entirely doable. Get help as soon as you can if you grew up like this, don't wait like I did.
It's okay. I am almost 63 and educating myself on narcissism 3 years and a year ago, reading letters my narcissist mother wrote to her sister, I finally connected with why I have always had an underlying sense of not feeling safe. My older brother terrorized me and I cried alot and she made it out like all we did was fight and he picked on me. At 6 months old! That letter spoke volumes! Not a tear shed at her memorial 16 yrs ago and just now understanding why.
I grew up with this family dynamic as well, and I’ve been no contact for two years. Spent endless amounts of money on therapy to heal decades of abuse. I’m angry and it’s unfair. You’re not alone ❤
I am glad you got help and were able to break free. It is a lonely road. I married into it and it nearly destroyed me! I can't imagine growing up that way.
You're not alone I went through exactly the same thing and went no contact about 4 years ago. I feel better now but it's like life is just spending every day getting over how you were treated. And how it affects your relationships and friendships in later life. I feel you.
I kept wondering why I couldn't pick a guy who didn't end up treating me badly until I saw how I fit into the pattern growing up. My life was all about being the doormat and believed what ever I contributed was never enough or good enough.
You used the term “Flying Monkey” and I’ll never forget the one time I told my dad that he was my mothers Flying Monkey and that was probably the one and only time I’ve ever seen him get so upset and angry with me. I feel bad for my dad and it breaks my heart to see the way my mother treats him. Some times I really wonder if he knows what’s going on or if he’s really that oblivious to it all.
100%!! When my enabler father was dying he told me I had to do more to take care of my narcissistic mom and to “be nicer to her.” I said you know she was highly abusive to me as a kid. He told me to “get over it.” Those were some of his last words to me and I never saw him alive again.
I would lie awake at night as a young adult, terrified that my Dad would die first & I'd be left to take care of her. Thank God, she died in her mid-70s while Dad lived to 87. I never fully relaxed until she was gone for good - it's the most wonderful feeling in the world!
This video hit home. The narcissist is dead but I'm still dealing with (low contact) a 90 year old enabler who is still in denial. I don't think "narcissist" goes with addiction. Addiction can contribute to someone becoming selfish and manipulative in order to feed their habit, but they don't usually tend to think highly of themselves and they don't get pleasure from it.
"Sometimes there's 2 narcissistic parents." Thank you! On another channel I won't name the guy says that narcissists never choose other narcissists and so one of them is codependent (they both can't be narcissists). This was always so confusing to me because I was so sure both my father and stepmother were both narcissists. Thanks for giving another point of view legitimacy.
@@monaj33 Yes, come to think of it. I think they are both the covert type and not the grandiose type. And it is starting to make more sense now thinking about it how two coverts could 'work' together.
Not sure which channel you're referring to, but there is assuredly a war on territory about information on narcissism. Narcissists are very threatened by the truth and if they can fudge it they will go for it. Stay safe and don't stop thinking.
@@3nrika I think it's just a difference in opinion and worldview. People can be incorrect or just have different definitions of things or ways of looking at things. I tend to gravitate toward teachings that resonate with and clarify and explain my own experience and clear up cognitive dissonance. I think the other channel was well intentioned, but that particular teaching was very confusing for me.
11 years No Contact with my FOO - so glad I walked away from their toxicity. I’m not sure who their new scapegoat is now, and I don’t care. I just can’t believe it took me decades to realize that my alcoholic father was an overt narcissist and my enabling mother is a covert narcissist. I used to think that once my father died - and my two siblings moved out of my parents’ house - I could finally have a “relationship” with my mother. That was over 11 years ago, and my siblings are still living with her. One is in his 50s, and the other is in her 60s. They’re all co-dependents. Thank God I went NC with them and am finally living a peaceful, normal life. Happy Holidays, everyone! 🌲
Without siblings who deal with your toxic parents you wouldn't have been able to stay away from them 😢. I have known very well for over a decade, no two decades what monsters my parents are, but since I'm the only child and they are very dysfunctional yet not enough to be put into institutionalised care, I have to occationally go meet them and take care of some legal, and household stuff. I'm doing the minimum but even that is too much now. The madness I have to sometimes encounter is just too much. I'm trying to find ways to make it easier to arrange them to be taken care off somehow by professionals.
My Golden Child 60 yo sister lives with my narc Mom. She's the new scapegoat. The forever Golden Child 68 yo Brother makes my sister's life miserable. My Mom does nothing about it. Same as when we were kids. I told her to move out.
@@LoveBeliefTruth Great!!! I was the scapegoat all my life. Then I moved away from them all for good 20 years ago. Never been happier!!! I'm Very Low contact now!!! Yes, we All Knew the 68 yo was Always the Golden Child. But my Mom was great at making the other children feel better than me. So they settled for that.
@@c4tmh133 good for you, then. I've also been as minimal as possible but as only child all those roles on me. And unfortunatelly when police or ambulance or social worker or construction repair or digital assistance is needed, I'm the one to be called first, then police, ambulance... etc. Sometimes before lawyer too.
I was 11 or 12 years old. It was done by my mother, my grandparents saw the whole thing happening, as it happened in their house and did nothing to convince or stop my mother. They let it happen because they also were being lied to about a key to the storage. The key went missing for days. We kept looking for it. A couple of days later I came home from school, my grandparents were out for work, and I found that key right in front of the door of that storage. My first reaction was like "This can't be! We looked over here! Check this out, mom!" But I was immediately suspected by my mother that I knicked the key, put it in my pocket and forgot about it. That was the lie that my mother wanted to hear out of my mouth. It just wasn't true. So I got grounded. For weeks. I was being interrogated for days about that key, after it was found. I kept resisting, until I finally yielded after a week or so and abided by her lie. I just wanted to be done with and get over it. So I 'admitted' (=lied) to my grandparents, about putting the key in my pocket, forgot about it and losing it in the laundry bin and apologized for lying about it. This moment was taken by my mother as an example to try to gaslight me as a pathological liar, a person who can't stop telling lies, throughout my whole adolescent youth. Therefore, throughout my whole youth, any argument, anything that came out of my mouth, was a lie. Regardless. "Remember that key!?" But it was my mother who put the key there for me to find.
@@Anime-chan-gl4pe this was only the start of it. Really, my childhood and adolescence were insane. Sick times. I can write whole books about my youth.
As the Family Scapegoat of my own narc egg donor, I would have NEVER agreed to the lie. I was very stubborn and refused to go along with her false narrative and hypocrisy. Of course she made my life miserable just the same.
@@BlackSheep380 we have already been through a trauma that year. But that's a whole other book to write. But at 11 years old, I had to contemplate to make this lie to my grandparents to make the humilliating interrogations and isolation stop. I can still vividly remember to make that decision during a sleepless night. So I apologized for lying about the key. Not for making it disappear. The lie was that I lied about the key, and I immediately apologized to my grandparents for it. In front of my mothers eyes. None of them understood about wich lie I was talking. However it just wasn't enough to prevent my mother to use this against me. She needed something to gaslight me to get me under control. So the more my mother tried to use this against me later on, the more I started to resist and rebel against her. The more I started to suspect her and confront her about that key whenever she tried me again, the more insane she behaved. I also grew a habit of walking the dog for hours, or walking away from home for days, sometimes weeks. Just have some peace of mind. Just to be away from her 3 days a week precence. Even that was too much. My stubborness and resistence is what my egg donor hated the most about me. We truely hated eachother with passion. 😂
Excellent video, thank you! For decades, my enabling father excused my narcissistic mother's rages with, "she does it because she loves you so much." They're now in their 70s; I've been honest about needing therapy for C-PTSD resulting from her abuse, and he STILL gives the same excuse, and insists I need to get over my "feelings" and come back to the family dynamic. He continues to downplay her behavior and to proclaim her love as "boundless." It's so sad and dismaying. Both of these individuals can't function outside of the toxic system they've created.
The problem is that the way to stop the narcissist is to end the marriage. A lot of people could not end their marriage for financial reasons or other reasons. So if one dominant person within a family is a narcissist, the whole family will behave like they are narcissists as well. Usually your siblings are narcissists as well. If you are the scapegoat, you will have to realize that.
My adoptive dad was a narc, but his bio son and I didn’t act like he did. Adoptive brother was somewhat cast in a golden child role, being the only grandson… but actually turned out pretty healthy as an adult in spite of all the crap going on (somehow!).
Yes, and since I left I've been technically homeless and now he's died and the adult children have control of all the assets. I have become the victim of my children.
IMO, enablers are often also narcs as well. They engage in the same tactics like gaslighting and manipulation. All my enablers later unmasked themselves as abusers, too ... only more covert. No one who allows someone to be abused for their own convenience, comfort, or the family image is a good person.
Absolutely. As a kid I’d see my mom stand up to my dad when she wanted money for an addition to the house or new appliances but stand back and watch him physically, verbally and emotionally abuse us without blinking. Totally narcissistic.
Your comment and the replies below give me peace because I have observed and recognized so many patterns a covert narc would have in my mom but she was the by that time still deified victim.. I thought I was mad to believe she could be both enabling my dad and be a narc herself at the same time. Now I know that I am not crazy but this is very much so real. Thank y'all 🙏🌈 Have a great day and healing journey ♥️
My mom says, I don't want to upset you but, and then proceeds to bring up my deceased daughters and wife. They have been gone over 15 years. It's a very sad story that my parents bring up every holiday, family event or whenever they feel like it. I'm 62, my parents are over 90. It won't stop until they are gone.
Maybe they are just oblivious. I'm not sticking up for them, I just know that people grieve in different ways. Some people want to talk about them to remember. Other people like you it's all inside so you can function. Neither one is wrong. I've lost a child and never got to grieve properly so I'm stove up emotionally. I sincerely hope that you tell yourself, your feelings and the way you need to grieve is valid. Would they get it if you told them how you feel? Our society makes us screw emotions all up. If we could just have them, we would all be healthier. The grief never goes away but for me it changes. My dad was killed when I was 17. When I started wirewrapping jewelry like he did, it started another wave of it. Be kind to yourself, whatever that means.❤
I used to feel sorry for my dad bc his mom physically abused him. My mom left him, and then my cruel stepmom married him. She made it clear he wasn't in charge of me anymore SHE was. She threatened to leave him if he took up for me or my siblings. So he just let her have full control of us and be as cruel as she wanted. Sometimes though, he took a cue from her and was mean to us too. That's what makes it hard to forgive him. As an adult, they both neglect me, and I've come to the conclusion "he chose her over you, so just let them both go." They can stay in their evil empire together and I just have to move on. It hurts sometimes that he didnt lift a finger to help me to this day, but no contact is going to be my only peace of mind. Thanks for another great video, Dr. Wise ❤
You are brilliant. I am 74 years young. This teaching has just connected dots for me that I struggled with my entire life. THANK YOU! Dr. Wise, indeed!
Religion plays a big role in this for a lot of ppl especially depending on the sexes my mom came from an extremely religious background. One of her parents was a pastor and her own mother told her to go back to my abusive father. I'm also aware that my mom has her own flaws. I just think sometimes theres a lot at play in situations like this. So many ppl just blindly repeat patterns they themselves saw. I am doing my best to move on from my traumatic childhood and trying to form a better life for myself.
Powerful feelings aren't they? Mine was when I watched a video on a "blank face study" or whatever, in which the parent shows no emotion or support to the child, after showing happy facial expressions. The reaction by the children were scary similar to my experiences (only she's always blank faced).
Being influenced to neglect ourselves because the enabling parent did -- Wow. That turned on s couple of lights for me. It's clear how the narc affects us into adulthood but I never thought about how we were learning how to treat ourselves from the enabler, too. If you have one abusive parent, you have two. Thank you Dr.
This is important to hear at this time of year, I have a terribly toxic family situation and I am particularly sensitive around holidays, birthdays etc. My sibling has always wished I was dead and my mother enabled this to my detriment. I don't talk to sibling and not seeing mum christmas to keep myself well. It's sad but necessary. Thank you for addressing people like me, so much of the time I feel invisible.
I'm so sorry this is your experience. If it's ever possible to have a conversation with your sibling, you may want to ask why they don't like you or ask about a specific event. I say this because when I did this with my family member, I realized they had been fed a story by my mother that was a complete lie. So once they understood my side, they slowly came back around and we had a decent relationship.
I have stopped communicating with my family for months now. And it saddens me every day. My mother is critical on everything I do and my father sometimes tries to tame it down, but inevidently, he doesn't tell her to knock if off. My older sister is worse than my parents and my younger sister just follows along with my older one. My birthday in July came and my older sister ignored it. My younger sister finally texted late in the day. Their birthdays are in December and I ignored both. My mother commented on a post I made and I removed it because I didn't want to show my reaction. So I sent her a private message instead. No response from it. I could literally cry every day over this. I know some people say it's a relief to no longer communicate with a toxic family, but it makes me sad and weighs on me every day. Because I know that they all talk to each other regularly and not one has reached out to me to even try to make amends. No responses to my text messages or FB private messages. I'm completely abandoned by them. Ignored, left out, ostracized for doing nothing to cause this behavior. It's quite painful. Especially seeing all families together, happy, pictures of extended family celebrating the holidays. And I'm with my immediate family only. My children with no cousins to hang with (though they were never nice to my kids anyways, so no loss). But separate from grandparents, aunts, etc.
@@openmindedcenterist my sister and her husband have scammed my mum for money and I get in the way. When I attempted suicide no one cared or even came to the hospital, I have turned to God and that has helped, my mum has dementia so I will be saying goodbye for good soon. My nephew got married recently and they didn't invite me, it feels cruel and when I built up the courage to ask my sister she said she didn't want to involved with a mess like me, after that things turned out bad for her.
@@simonenyman4077In 2001, when I was 27-yrs old, I got left out of my younger brother's wedding despite living 2300 mi away because according to my mom, it was because I was going to bring my ex-girlfriend there to pick me up 5 hours away from my hometown after its conclusion. In 2007 my older brother got married and I didn't even get an excuse this time. Fast forward a decade later almost and my older sister starts a smear campaign just because I'm not going to go along with some order to go to rehab. Now I no longer talk to any of my siblings (I had no idea what a harbinger of things to come that would be. But once you see someone without the MASK on one too many times, you CANNOT UNSEE IT anymore!)
@@simonenyman4077PS- I'm glad that you decided to stick around too. They didn't get to destroy you as much as they hoped to, and that's a victory in itself
This is what I realize I’ve been living with all along with this type of enabling parent (as a scapegoat myself with a narcissist, golden child sibling that targeted me pretty much, my entire life). Early on there was(and still is)lots of favoritism towards the Golden Child to the point I was forced to learn very early on, that I had only myself to depend on emotionally. Although I’m 52 now, the dynamic is still there, but I am not. I refuse to allow myself to be treated this way, so I gray rock a lot when forced to interact with the sibling. I’m also limited contact with the sibling, but I’m the one who stepped up to take care of our mother, despite not always having the emotional support I needed from her growing up. I’ve been more vocal with this over the last couple years, and she is trying, but I’m afraid the damage has already been done because this is a deep seated issue from early childhood. Right now I’m just trying not to rock the boat between me and my sibling and taking things a day at a time . I just got wise a couple of years ago while researching this subject for a fiction book I am working on. As I read other peoples stories, I started to realize lots of similarities with this and I couldn’t believe it. While it’s good to understand the toxic family dynamic, still, It’s a tough pill to swallow.
@@rturney6376 it’s difficult because I care about my mom. I love her more than anything but I just wish that things had gone differently too. The treatment I got as a child shaped me as an adult and gave me a low self-esteem along with severe anxiety problems, depression, etc. On top of that I have ADHD and autism, so I am overly sensitive to many things. The sibling always feels that I’m being dramatic(gaslighting) but honestly I know now that I suffer from rejection sensitivity dysphoria. that’s difficult because you literally feel like everyone hates you and everything you do is wrong etc. and you don’t understand why people are angry at you all the time with sometimes they aren’t at all. It’s a mess and I’ve been in therapy most of my adult life trying to work it all out. my mom is in her 80s and I take care of her but literally she is the glue holding the family together at this point. Of course, the golden child is nowhere to be found to help me with anything but it’s to be expected. and even while I know that I am appreciated, I still feel like I have to struggle for equal treatment when it comes to my mother, having to choose between me and my sibling from an emotional standpoint. so, I stick to my self I don’t talk about anything I’m doing to anybody and I’m just taking it a day at a time.
Oh I feel so much for you. We are in the same boat. I was a golden child to avoid a beatdown. School and music saved me. At least there were clear parameters to being successful. Then I was told to hide my straight A report card because it may hurt my siblings feelings. There you go. My nephew stays with mom to “take care of her” while bullying her and selling off my father’s things out of the garage, smokes weed and refuses to get a job, get any training. It’s a rude awakening to see this. I had to do an elder abuse flag on her checking accounts and I’ll audit her bank statements bc she is afraid to spend money on food.
@@kerrymartinez4463 I am so sorry you're going through that. It's a shame that we are made to feel that we're not as important. It's a lot of why I don't tell anybody anything anymore. Either they feel I am showing off or they fear I am 'getting too high'. You know? The less everyone knows, the better.
@@Cassie-pt7mt hey there. yes it is very sad. And I’m so sorry that you’re going through similar situations along with many of us in the same boat. In my case good with my mom we seem to be okay when it’s just me and her. Anybody else gets involved outside of that, that’s when we struggle because I’m never the choice. It’s difficult but we do what we have to survive. I’ll pray for you as well, because yes, the holidays are difficult with all of the stuff going on. But I had to do it as a defense mechanism as far as not really going to family functions because I just got tired of being unprotected. someone will legitimately wrong me and I’ll get a lecture on the way home as to why I had to be difficult to start a problem or make waves. That makes me feel like I’m not being seen because why don’t I have the same protection that everyone else gets from my mom? So, I stopped going. And I figured if I’m not at an event in the first place no one can target me for anything because I wasn’t even there. Or sometimes they do and I hear about it later from my mom and that’s when I will stand up and tell her that I don’t want to hear about it. And she should know better because since we live together if I don’t go to something and she does obviously she knows I wasn’t there to do whatever it is I’m being smeared on. Her thing is wanting to appear like the perfect family to outside people. I don’t care about outside people because they have nothing to do with our family situation. And when I say outside people, I mean just the general public. She doesn’t want to look like a bad mother in front of people and she wants to portray that this is the perfect family and we don’t have problems except for when I do this that or third. And that’s where the scapegoating comes in. But she’s only putting it towards me because the golden child narcissist sibling is setting the tone for that and she’s enabling it by pushing their narrative. Over the past few years, there’s even been some kind of sabotage by her because I think she senses I’m at the end end of my rope with all of this that all I wanna do is move away now, and be on my own. But then who will take care of her if I’m not here? The golden child certainly won’t, and has not stepped up to help in any capacity. I know it upsets her that my sibling and I are not close, but it’s something quite honestly honestly that was created by her by enabling the narcissist behavior from the start and choosing sides. Surely she cannot expect things to be hunky-dory now after she created the condition. And this is what I’m still trying to work out is who really has what role because this started from when I was very young and as I grew up. I always knew that my sibling was the favorite. I had to learn how to be self-reliant and self-sufficient emotionally from a very young age. Its difficult for me to ask anybody for help because I’m so used to doing everything myself. I don’t wanna bother other people. And if it’s something really bad and I have to ask to help sometimes that’s when I get excuses and people hem and haw about why they can’t help me with this that or the third. I have never Done others like that when they were the ones that needed help. So I made a decision to take myself out of the equation and just not bother with anybody. They only have stop blowing up my phone when they need help with something or for me to take them somewhere or anything else. Other than that I’m not asked about anything I’m doing in my life or stuff that I’m working on it’s like I’m not even here . so I completely cut off any one that I feel is not giving me equal treatment. Changed my phone number, blocked them on social media the whole nine .Didn’t mean to ramble, but I hear what you’re saying.
This was so helpful. My enabling parent is my Dad. He was very passive and often pretended to be busy. To this Day He remains in total denial and often resorts to passive aggressive behaviour. He is also a hoarder who needs to be surrounded by clutter. Despite all His chaotic ways He remains extremely controlling at times and often refuses to spend money even on basic things. I find it emotional exhausting being arround Him because He is obviously in emotional distress but is in total denial about it.
My Dad used to shut himself into his shed to get away from confrontation, he was too weak to stand his ground with my mother and eventually took an overdose! hard times indeed!
Being told "I love you." by my either enabling or covert narcissistic mother has messed my life up, it's taken me years to get out of my toxic family but the "I love you." has caused me to have a very difficult relationship with everyone because I associate it with lying and abuse.
@@ccdm515 same with people and dating using gifts/money to shortcut a relationship and boy how mad when you refuse a person you accepted gifts from. that's why I don't like gifts until AFTER the relationship is established.
Same. I hate when my mother says she loves me and I always thought there was something wrong with me for ‘rejecting’ her love. Now I know her love is toxic and I have no need for it.
You just keep describing my childhood and now my adulthood with every video of yours I watch. It's sad but at the same time validating since I know it is an actual pattern in these kinds of family dynamics. I grew up being told I was making stuff up and it was in my head/attitude/perspective by one parent, and the problems completely ignored and denied and sugarcoated by the other parent. You describe my experiences perfectly.
This was my childhood also...A Narcissistic extremely abusive father and a mother who didn't want us (also the enabler).... These lectures are validating and so helpful...
The beauty of this scenario is that typically both parents are left alone in their older years. Yes I was still in contact with my enabler mom but the relationship was so superficial and limited.
Jerry, I want to thank you for this very impactful video. I came to terms with the fact that my father is a narc many years before I realized that my enabling mom is just as abusive in her own way. That hit FAR harder. It was like the one parent that I thought was ok only looks that way in comparison to him. I couldn't see that until I went no contact with him for 10 years while they remain married. Eventually, through the years, I realized I was still being abused, but now he wasn't wasn't the only perp, and all that was left was her. I went no contact with her 3 years ago. They raised me with a foundation built with confusion. I have spent most of my life learning how to raise the house and rebuild that foundation properly. It's a LOT of work and on some days it feels absolutely impossible. But I have come a long way and my hard work shows through in my own children. They saved me in the sense that I was able to parent them in the ways I longed to be parented. This includes keeping them safe and separated from my parents by standing up to them in family court and having a Judge validate my decision to keep my kids safe from them. My children helped me realize that I am capable, loving, and kind of a bad ass.
Some people only care about the bad behaviour when it's directed at them. They learn nothing from the abuse they suffer and willingly let others suffer because they're awful, too.
Same thing with my mother. My mother is overt self proclaimed grandiose narcissist and my father is BPD / covert malignant narcissist who can switch personalities and get on a sadistic level of delusional delirium. It's almost as if he was schitzofrenic part time and humble guy part time. Untile he gets to the momentarily grandiose narc phase where he openly declares normal rules don't bind him and he can do what ever he wants simply because he is he.
Enablers can change. I know because I was one, although it was not consciously done. I was raised in a narcissistic home, married a malignant narcissist, and excusing the inexcusable was just normal for me to do. Eventually I learned about narcissism (from reading self-help books, not from any therapist from whom I sought help for my chronic confusion and misery, of which there were several). Learning about the cluster B disorders changed me, and it made me want to change.
My late mother was a Narcissist "Enabler" ... I was absolutely DISGUSTED at her... She owed me a duty of care as a child (As the person who gave birth to me) she failed and she betrayed me.
Those enabling parents mostly fell victims to their own false picture of a happy marriage and happy family. If something did not work for them in building that ideal picture, they blamed on themselves instead of giving up that picture.
For me that started in childhood - being treated like a burden & made to feel/believe that other people's abuse toward me was my fault. That's how I sleepwalked from an abusive family dynamic right into an abusive relationship & became an "enabling" link in the chain of generational abuse 💔 All I can do now is try to explain which false beliefs about myself led me to fail my son as a parent, so he can hopefully overcome the same false beliefs about himself & make better choices for himself in his young adulthood, than what I was able to do in mine. I hope & wish the best things for him in life.
But you are different from your parents. They would never blame themselves. Or self examine. They blame others. They blame YOU. YOU DID NOTHING wrong as a child to deserve this treatment.
So many families with this dynamic seem to be from the Silent generation or early Baby Boomers. I don't think the non-narc/enabling parent even understood what was going on and simply allowed the strong-willed narc to be in control of things. The Silent generation also seems to be especially resistant to talk about any issues in the family - they can't even say "I Love You" very easily. Anyway, I don't see discussing the past with my enabling parent or narc parent as part of my healing process.
Terrific video! My enabling parent was childlike emotionally. They weren't about to do the right and necessary thing. My belief is narcissists should not be breeding because they are psychologically and physiologically (altered anatomy of brain) damaged. These lectures are greatly helping. I work now to allow myself the "right" to take care of my own needs; and to further develop my own identity. To be sure, even in my 60s I have learned just how profoundly I was affected by having narcissistic parents. The changes the experience has caused are pernicious, far reaching and long lasting. These lectures are revealing an underlying infection that must be cured. I am truly grateful for these lectures!
@@glendalouis8784 These have to be the greatest times in history. I have found so much incredible information and experienced growth thanks to places like TH-cam. I was just looking at Google Maps... I remember in the 1980s I wanted to move to California. [I was living in Austin, Texas at the time - Who knew everyone from California now wants to move to Austin?!] To make the move I had to find things out about California. Soon, I found myself in the big public library looking at phone books of California. It was of no help. Finally, with what little money I had, I went there to look about... But I just didn't have enough information to make the permanent move. Today, myself and many friends have easily relocated outside of the USA thanks to helpful information on the internet! And now this: healing after all of these years! I am truly grateful. Blessings from Nature Island.
I agree that evil people shouldn't be breeding. But I won't give them the excuse of having no choice for medical, or any other, reasons. They change their behaviour when it suits them. That alone condemns them.
@@joannageorge7305 Narcissists want power. They will maneuver themselves into positions of power. The problem: By and large, through the ages, the herd rewards narcissists with power and privilege’s. This compulsion may remnants of an ancient protection mechanism (sentiment): to fall behind the meanest toughest SOB and you will be safe. As a direct result, narcissists are ruling a significant portion of political, corporate, religious and social hierarchies. The resulting destruction to the cultural and individual psyches cannot be overstated. Every time they suck the blood from a victim they create yet another vampire predator. To be sure, epidemiologists tell us that the ranks of narcissists are on the rise. Narcissists internalize the periphery into their own personal (fantasy) world and feel compelled to assert complete dominion over the external world. They will micromanage, impose bureaucracy and institute cult dynamics within the purview of their control. Imaging of narcissists brains show they share many things with autism - Such as significant atrophy of the insula (resulting in, among other things, lack of empathy). Narcissism is much more than a thought or personality disorder. It is a disorder arising out of significant organic alterations of the physical architecture of the brain! The horrors of bad government, malevolent corporations and cults will remain among us until the people, by and large, fully understand the dynamics of narcissism - And discontinue rewarding them with privilege and power.
I'm amazed at how many others constantly heard "She's your mother" (or father) growing up, as if that justified the endless spectrum of abuse! All it did was reinforce my negative view of motherhood, so nobody was surprised that I never had kids. Only now, after 40+ years of happy marriage, do I think about what I missed.
God, yeah. When I first got my first cat, I was a professional gamer. Someone in my chat called me a “cat mom” and I visibly bristled upon reading it. I then said “ew, please don’t call me a mom,” causing this person to leave my stream and never come back. I alienated this viewer and it took me years to realize I wasn’t a bad person, I was actually just traumatized by my malignant narcissist mother - she tainted my view of motherhood, leading to repulsion around the term.
...and of course, some enablers do not try to pick up the pieces, do not even stay neutral, but they join in, stand up for, justify, protect, side with and fight for the narcissist....
This is the dynamic duo of my parents. My mom is the raging narcissist and my dad was the silent/invisible enabler when she would go off! Thank you, Jerry, for your continued information and support!🙏🏽
Wow. Opened by eyes. My Mom was an enabler. The narcissistic abuse she took from my Dad, and then my brother, made her not want to take care of herself. This explains so much!
LOVE this topic! The mother allowed the stepfather to get away with whatever he wanted. She allowed it to happen and never, ever stopped it from happening. If anything, she made excuse after excuse after excuse as to why the narcissist was allowed to what they did… to innocent children who never deserved abuse. Thank you very much for touching on this subject. It’s a difficult concept to wrap your head around, why someone would allow abuse to happen and continue.
I feel like the excuses or ignoring the behavior was just a way to keep the person my *mother* wanted to have a relationship with, no matter the coat to me.
@@darcymoon2109 Bingo! My therapist validated last week that the mother allowed such things to happen because she wanted to be with the man, she chose “him” over her own children.
My father once stated that he married my mother to save her. Her personna was that of a "sick" needy person. As her oldest daughter I was her "caregiver" ....starting at a very young age. Her idea of a career that I should go into was nurse! She passed away this year at the age of 93. All I felt was relief.
My dad knew my mom was mean to me because she was mean to him, too. But she hid her true self. My dad and I were the only ones who knew how she was. I'm so thankful for my grandmother because her love and devotion counteracted all the negative things of my mom.
The only other adult in the house and she wants to pretend everything is perfect, and if I complain I'm the problem. I was such a sweet kid and made out to be a problem, while my dad bullied me all the time. Then she wonders why we aren't close. I wish I didn't have to carry around the burden of this. Thank you for trying to help us.
My enabling parent came from an abusive, alcoholic parentage. They were in foster care for eight years. I empathize with their plight and etiology of pathology.
To this day whenever i ask my mom why didnt she divorce my dad. he was toxic as hell and rocked the family with his tantrums each and every single day. her single response women get treated like shit always so just learn to bear with it. whenever i asked my mum that why are you with him even after he physically harasses her, she said dont be a ungrateful brat and respect your father. and to think i stepped in so many times to protect my mother who was a victim in my mind from the very beginning. she chose the narcissist over herself and us.
My father, that I adore, passed way 2 yrs ago. I don’t blame him much because he had to listen to mom’s nagging and guilt tripping if he defended me. He was mostly aware of my treatment, but he worked and even growing up, her monstrous behavior towards me, was always done behind his back. Once, we finally had time alone and I told him. I guess he went after her, and all I know is, she came to me (I was 30, married and had kids) saying I wasn’t going to ruin her marriage 😳 It wasn’t about her, but she twists everything to make things about her. It’s frustrating! I wish it were my father that was still here. I adore him regardless, I just understood the hell he had to deal with on the regular.
"Sometime you have two narcissistic parents and one's more of an enabled and the other is more malignant". It was my Dad who was obviously abusive in childhood, and my mum who was always in control, which was not obvious to me as a child. It took me 3 years to figure this out in my mid-40s! In my case it makes most sense to me seen through the lens of enmeshment, which is also the historic paradigm between my Mum and I.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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Similar here in Angola.
Thank you Mr. Wise.
6:20 - 7:00 - That’s what my brother and my mother dud yesterday… I decided to leave the house yesterday and my dad raged out, saying: “go let’s see who’ll pay your bills?”; that’s all he does is rage out and my mother enables it and then due to women’s hypergamous hypocrisies she victimologically neglects my manhood during my interpersonal abuses wuth my father stating even that we are hurting each other when clearly I’m the one being the scapegoat you can try and try to explain all of these things that doctor Wise is explaining and she deflects from it all. Only I’m the monster who has to be subjected to psychiatric treatment as advice from my lawyer after my sister made false allegations of domestic abuse against me. I don’t see the African continent developing until the familial dysfunction is eradicated, being more common in the upper classes by what I can tell.
Your videos, and this one particular, have been a blessing! Thank you 🙏🏻
Oh yeah, that’s not how I think of it. I 100% BLAME MYSELF DAILY, for not leaving when my kids were small.
I heard someone say “if you live in a two parent household with one abusive parent, you have two abusive parents”. Enablers are abusers, too. Often enabling parents gaslight kids into thinking they’re also a victim & they’re all on the same level against the abusive parent, or that it’s the kids fault for triggering the abuser. Do not forget, they were also an adult who knew better and chose to please the abuser for their own sake instead of protecting the children.
they also make you feel like they have a 'different' relationship somehow with the abusive parent, as if they're in a better position to be treated fairly. it sends the message that you're on your own, and it's very invalidating
This is so true. Abuse is not always physical or even emotional. Sometimes it's just seeing things go on and looking the other way.
God it hurts to realize this...but it must be done for your sanity
Definitely not impressed with either of my parents, one aggressive and overt, the other passive but also undermining me my whole life. 😮
Also if you live in a one parent home and they allow the abusive person to have partial custody
When my Malignant Narcissist mother finally died at age 74, all the adults in the family apoligized for not protecting me. Of course I consoled them, but I was thinking "For my whole childhood, I was alone & helpless & miserable, and every one of you pretended her abuse was all MY fault. Just once, couldn't one of you have stood up for me?" To this day, it infuriates me how 99% of people will cater to bullies & sacrifice others to avoid a tiny bit of conflict.
I am so sorry for your pain. I think i know a bit how it feels. I wish you had never have to experience this Hurt and loneliness. Take good care of yourself. Love you. You deserve it. God bless you.❤
My enabling parent would now respond alternately between 'It wasn't that bad,' 'No parent is perfect,' 'It didn't happen that way,' 'You misunderstood things,' and 'You deserved it because you were a bad child.'
Nah even worse - my siblings tell me "it didn't happen that way". Gotta love the co-dependant children.
😅 My mother wouldn't even have such conversation. She laughed when I told her I didn't respect my dad because of his violence. And she, for letting him, she was always present. But, I would not dare say that to her.😖
We build a house upon a foundation with the tools that we are given to build with and the instructions that we are given to build. Our parents are those that teach us how to build that foundation and give us the tools to do it. You did the best with what you were given, give yourself Grace and move forward with your head held high. Be the person you want to be. And don't let their words of the past cloud your present. Stay strong!
I was in my 30s and I had left a job without another one and I got shouted at over this and got told I had heard things wrong which was rubbish!
Kind of the same things my parent said...
My dad defended my NM until the day he died. She could do no wrong, ever. No matter how many times anyone tried to talk to him and tell him things weren't right, he woudn't listen. She controlled everything. I got so sick of hearing him tell me that she's my mother, and I have to love and respect her because she's sacrificed so much. In which lifetime? Not this one. He was her biggest flying monkey, and now he is gone. She is now in a nursing home and she controls nothing. Karma is great.
It is. Enjoy that.
My mom is also a NM. I remember asking my dad why does he let our mom treat us that way. He only said he didn’t want our family to live in separate ways if he tries to intervene. Oh yes, now I know why, he is the enabler. He was silent after all these years even if he knew my mom is wrong.
@@Maria_Maria_SanI know the feeling. I've sat across the table from my mom as her boyfriend screamed at me and she did nothing. These people aren't human
"She's your mother" was the CONSTANT justification my Dad gave for her abuse when I was growing up! I had such a bad impression of mothers that I swore I'd never have any of my own - and I didn't. I've been happily married for over 40 years now, and only recently started to realize what I missed by not having kids.
I had this conversation with my father about 2 years ago. I was 47.
I told him he never protected me. He should have reacted when we were young (my sister and I). He said to me that he was not strong enough to fight against her. He said « It’s like the way it is », meaning that I had to accept the situation and my life. By saying this, he kind of helped me. Suddenly, everything became clear to me. I had always thought he was a victim of her as well, so I would help him when he would ask me for help (for example, he would ask me not to fight with her when I was at their place, because then she would be evil with him when I go back to my home). He asked me for the protection that I never had from him ! We had reversed the roles.
Since this conversation, I don’t feel sad anymore for my father. He can be sick, have surgery, die…. I feel like I don’t care at all. Because HE has chosen HIS life. I CAN CHOOSE MINE.
I have to take care of myself now, and heal from my childhood.
Needless to say, when I fight with my mother, he defends her, even on the phone, he takes the phone and tells me to STOP ! like I’m the evil daughter.
Besides, without being the narcissist that she is, he infantilizes me lot. I’ve realized that both my parents are toxic and impaired my development.
Sounds very familiar!!!
Sounds so very similar to what I had to deal with!
oh dear, I am sorry to hear that but, do you really still get into arguments with your mother? Maybe it's time to stop giving her what she is looking for.
I realized that about my stepdad. He wasn't another victim, he was part of the problem. I cut all communication between mom and him. Friends suggested it long ago, but cutting family off seems wrong. I'm 13, 14 months free of them and life is good. That stress is out of my life.
Yes -- this was/is my experience, too, except my dad never asked for my help. I saw how my mother treated him and I would step in between them. I would not let gaslighting and bad treatment go without trying to make her see (which she never did/does) that she was being mean, unfair, illogical, etc. The hardest part sometimes was that he would sometimes get mad at ME and tell me I was being difficult. Now THAT is a lonely place to stand! He never acknowledged that *I* shouldn't have had to fight her behavior ---- that it was actually HIS job. If he had ever said, "Honey, I appreciate you fighting for me, but that's my role."...it would have made all of it worth it to me. I try to find the place to forgive him...to see that this was just not something he was capable of doing. It takes the sting out of it, though the memories still make me sad/mad.
True. My enabling dad would constantly throw me under the bus to appease my narc mom. He will also mirror her abusive behavior towards me so that her wrath is focused on me and not him. My enabling dad is just as evil, if not more, than my narc mom.😢
They didn’t protect you from abuse bc they’re selfish and only care about their “peace”. They’d rather you be the sacrificial lamb than actually fighting for what’s right and for you.
Well said .
EXACTLY. If both narcissistic then it's more they can't be bothered to do what's right, if enabler they either fear blow back or protect only their denial and "peace" which is still essentially narcissistic.
I think sacrificial lamb should replace scapegoat ....it definalty is much more fitting, and although the term may seem more "cut throat " so to speak...if we look at it as a metaphor when comparing the emotional pain and anguish alongside the cutting of the throat and bloodshed I feel it successfully...and properly illustrates (in a metaphorically speaking obviously kind of way ...lol) what it feels like when trying to have your voice be heard, while in conversation with one narcissist and one enabler ..
This lecture describes my mother to a T.
Omg preach, this is exactly what my mother did constantly letting my dad get away with his awful behaviour, and she was also acting passive aggressively towards me and my wife as well.
Once when my dad had been blanking me for months(for stopping him punching my brother in the face and inadvertently knocking him over) and still doing it on my birthday I told her that I'm going to let him know what I think. All she replied with was "ill be really upset if you do". My feelings didn't matter.
My father ran into burning buildings on the lower east side of Manhattan for a living, but couldn’t manage to protect his children from the hell of living with their covert narcissistic mother
This is a mind blowing perspective
💔💔💔
The complexities within a family with a resident narcissist are immense 😢
My father was also NYFD-decorated. Approached a 150 IQ. My mother was fairly bright too. I’ve come to the conclusion that people lock horns for a reason. In their childhoods my mother was abused and my father gravely neglected. How much is genetic? Genomic? Situational? I dunno. Probably all involved.
To be fair we don’t get out of our childhoods unscathed. W/awareness we have to cope.
As for locking horns-birds of of a feather…I try to filter new people. No new fast-friends. I seem to attract other such products and see them coming.
I live in Philippines. I see expats coming. Many are men running from their ingrained losing. A white American can’t be here without income and cannot have a bad moment in public.
My litmus test is screening for self destructive tendencies. I don’t attract mean people but people who were raised as me.
When I confronted my mother about my father’s abuse, including sexual, she said “If it’s even true, you should get over it because it’s in the past!”
She then started sobbing because my father was in love with another woman.
She is still with him. Her fear of being alone and having less than she has now, is bigger than the pain of abuse.
She willingly put an abuser before her own children.
I cut all ties with them 15 years ago and moved abroad.
That's terrible! I'm sorry that happened to you and your mom still refused to acknowledge your pain.
Well done! I did the same.
I'm sorry that happened to you, it's so fxcking schitt..
I stood up to my Mum a few weeks ago and she said the same thing, "They say you should just someone because of their past"
😐😐😐😐😐
sounds eerily familiar
Omg I'm so sorry 😢
my mom was very abusive and prone to screaming narcissistic tantrums. this was a weekly routine. my dad was so sweet, and we got along great. i loved when it was just the two of us running errands and bonding. he never yelled or tried to hurt me. however, he was so scared of my mom, when she flew off the handle he would beg me to apologize to her just to keep the peace. he was too afraid to stand up to her, and minimized her behavior. he wanted to believe she was a good person and would be better if we just did as she wanted, but nothing would ever be good enough. she was miserable and loved making us miserable. i begged him to leave her, but she threatened him with custody. when i was 18, they finally split, and when she left it was like opening the window and letting fresh air into the room. i had a wonderful time living with my dad until he passed away. our relationship was everything it should have been without my mom ruining our lives. i’m almost 40 and a parent myself, and my mom will never ever take accountability. she still insists we deserved everything she did and she was the victim. i struggled to forgive my dad for enabling her, but i know his kind heart prevented him from admitting he married a monster. i still love both my parents, but i only forgive my dad. i do not forgive my mom or welcome her in my life because she isnt sorry and will keep behaving her way.
Same but opposite parents. I brought not protecting me and my mom cried. I’m a naturally forgiving person though, and I am very impacted by everything, but I have moved past it with them and healed some of it. I told my dad off but never asked for him to say sorry cause it’s pointless. I’m very lucky because they actually relaxed a lot in older age so a lot of the dynamics have shifted.
We had a version of the dynamic you describe. My mom was a borderline. My dad would admit to us kids that our perceptions of our mom were correct. After Mom died I had a great time taking care of my dad. My brother's said they loved him but rarely gave him any time. Not addressing these myriad problems hurts the entire family. These situations are so very common. I think mental illness is why so many are accepting a fascist cult.
You just described my family!
The commitment and bond the enabler has towards their narcissistic spouse is stronger than the commitment to themselves and consequently, their children as well.
Keen insight, painful for me to accept about my mother’s handling of my father’s rage and verbal abuse.
When your meal ticket is your everything but your narc too and you have no strength or self love to walk away for good.
I’m speaking from the place of someone who is noticing the same patterns creeping up in my own life after growing up in them. If you are a child growing up with those circumstances, your self-esteem and capacity for self-respect will take a hit (If you don’t receive it elsewhere.) I’m in a position now of always trying to “prove myself,” or earn the respect of others at my own expense. I will try to please the one person in the room who is unpleased or try to interest the one person who is disinterested. Even when there are other people who seem to indicate some level of interest or act kindly. I am not a source of my own validation or self-image. How I am seen by others (or how I think I am seen) affects me greater than how I see myself. I find myself defined by other people, and always rubbing up against the confines of their inadequate and inaccurate definitions. I see myself becoming a page in other people’s book with every action I take. Im acutely aware of objectification in my life and my oppositions to it have made relationships very difficult. My life tends to be living in response rather than initiation. Pursuit becomes inconceivable, only surrender. When your existence as an individual is diminished, and you become a “thing,” or mere possession, the potential, significance, and weight of anything you produce is diminished too. ❤️
I can see myself in the same process of setting myself up for a bad partner. I too see myself blinded by my own ideal and intoxicated by a certain attention of acceptance. I see when someone has become more important to me than myself and I feel when everyone has become more important than myself. I see when I recede into the background while others take the foreground.
Well said.
I adored my father but never forgave him for turning a blind eye to the abuse I got from my mother. I tried to talk to him about it once a few years before he passed away but he acted bewildered. Yet when he was seriously ill and mum made it all about her he said 'I thought that we would look after each other, I looked after her for years and I thought she would look after me' it was then I realised he had no idea who or what he had married and had children with.
Absolutely true! My mom was like an innocent victim in my perspective for decades. It took a long time to realize she was part of the game. She took no action, and didn't protect me. It's painful and relieving getting closer to the truth.
This is exactly how I’ve felt my entire life. I’ve always had self awareness - able to recognize my patterns of behavior….but I just couldn’t retrain my brain. Watching the emotional neglect childhood trauma videos has made me feel more validated than I ever have in my entire life. I finally pinned down the root cause.
Sending positivity your way 🙏🏼
I was adopted into a family like this. Dad was alcoholic, bipolar and a narc; my brother eventually left home because of him and I stayed to help “protect” my adoptive mum, but a few years ago I finally had to admit, I should have left much earlier myself. She made excuses for a grandmother harassing me over being an atheist, and they all turned a blind eye to my dad’s creepy behaviour while I was growing up (trying to follow me into the bathroom, ogling etc).
@@ShintogaDeathAngelI am a freethinking Atheist too. It's great to not have religious shaming, manipulation, threats, etc added in the abuse
Me too, friend! 🙏🏻 I went no contact a long time ago, best thing I ever did for myself.
Wow, we had the same mother. What's worse is her playing dumb. She used to act like she didn't understand why we hated our stepfather. REALLY?! Then, when I got older (and married a different kind of narcissist), he told her to come live with me when she got cancer. I was a part of their game for years. I now help my daughter deal with her narcissist father. Fun.
I alwyas thought that my mother was "the good one" despite never protecting me.
Looking back, she was just as narcissistic; she was just more covert.
Same. Sending much healing and positivity to you
@@Charmainecharmainecharmaine Same 🫂❤️
Just figuring this out myself. My narc dad and passive mom. I am 45 with 2 kids and was married to a narcissist man for 18 years. I have NEVER acted like my mother. I teach my kids about narcissism and I left their dad 3 years ago. I never make my kids feel like anything is their fault or make them feel bad nor responsible for adult behaviors.
Same.
Same here
Learned helplessness, neglect, and a hidden message that the abuse was tolerable or somehow “okay”… I was an adult before I even realized the abuse (it was all verbal/emotional narcissistic abuse which is harder to see unless you know about it)… I’ve spent the past 20 years learning and trying to understand the abuse, unpack everything it did to me, and find healing…
“You know your mother loves you.”
Sorry Dad, but that’s not love.
"Yes, Dad, I believe Mom is enmeshed or intense with me, but Love, not sure I would agree."
My dad used to say that to me. He was the enabler and he was also an alcoholic. Both my parents were a hot mess!
Exactly. He's codependent. He has to be or he'd have been ostracized.
I heard those words from my dad too. And until now, I am still looking for that “love”.
Same experience here! But with the Mom/Dad roles reversed. My father invaded my ADULT life and utterly destroyed my life and family...a replay of my childhood. My mom defended it and his narcissistic, destructive intrusion "This is how he shows his love..." I exploded and confronted her, "That's not love! He's NEVER loved anyone! Including you!.." She broke down in tears and cut off the conversation😭💔😭 Truly tragic. For her and all of us.
"you were fed clothed and you had a roof over your head" is always thrown at me... I didn't ask to be born and my parents made me feel like I was the burden, my mother is much worse then my father but NOW I can see that it was never my fault... and there's nothing I can do to change things... I just need to try and become the best I can be, but growing up like this makes you into your own worse enemy.
Giving a child you CHOSE to have the bare minimum required does NOT make anyone a good parent smh
@@LilPoopsie it's a hard lesson to learn that you aren't to blame and it takes many attempts to learn but thankfully I'm getting there... I'm on my second attempt of no contact... First attempt my now husband didn't believe what was going on and encouraged me back... But now seeing what was going off even as an adult he completely respects my choice. I don't blame him it was a lesson I needed to learn
Those words are probably my biggest trigger for disassociatio, flash backs, full on panic attack, etc. Except for me, it was always combined with "I don't need to tell you I love you."
@@ashleyclark6202 I'm sorry you had to go through the same things too... I found things get a lot better the more distance is put between myself and them... I'm a nicer person too family isn't what you are born into it's what you make xxx surround yourself with people who accept you for being you... This is a lesson I learnt once and have had to relearn it.... Good luck with your new life it will get better and easier
@@katietereszczak I'm working on it. It took me getting sick to the point my doc told me the common cold would kill me and my mother being pissed I had to leave after helping her move for 6 hours (I spent the next 4 days in bed unable to move) and not staying to help longer, for me to finally realize who she really was. Since then I've been realizing the other toxic members of my family and cutting them out one by one. It's kind of lonely right now, but I'm in counseling and know it'll get easier. Thank you for your kind words.
"You know your father really loved you, he did the best he could" ~
Possible response to this statement: "Well Mom, sadly, he may have truly done the best he could, but what does it help to know he truly 'loved me', when I never felt it?"
That is great response@@jerrywise My actual response was "yeah mom, all for the glory of dad" ~
@@sbsman4998mine just confessed that he “did everything for his own happiness, *had* no concept of consequences, didn’t take my mom seriously when she told him the consequences of serial cheating, and that ‘he did what he thought he could get away with”
Yeah I’m starting to get a reeeeeally different picture from “trying his best” all this time. I relate.
@@jerrywisebrilliant response, thank you.
I'm going to write it down and practise it in the mirror.
I have a huge deficit in knowing how to respond to certain things --what to say -- growing up with a screaming Narcissist mother and enabling doormat father.
@@sbsman4998 I know someone else who was told that when she was recounting how their father would just walk in to a room when they were little and bash them for no reason That is not love and that behaviour should be acknowledged for what it is Those who don't are just self serving cowards
My father was the enabling parent and was happy that she was torturing me instead of him. She had to torture someone. That was just the normal. He never put her in her place. Never defended us. He would join in the torture to please her. Awful.
Codependency - horrible role.
Same
Same here.
Same here. He always took her side and he never once asked mine.
Same. My mother abused me & my dad neglected me. It feels like he put be up to be the whipping post instead of him.
it's hard when the enabling parent is also financially dependent on the overtly abusive spouse :(
Edit: IM TALKING ABOUT MY DAD. Stop assuming the women is always the victim in my replies!!!
It is very hard for the enabling parent in an abusive marriage.
They need our support.
I like to encourage their strong sides
That's why wanting to become a stay at home mum is a very s4itty career plan.
@@frusia123ohhh when my father got really sick, seriously. My mother got the upper hand financially. Even more so when mid-stage Alzheimer's set in for him; she calls all the shots dealing with money now, NOT him.
And what was more difficult to take was learning how my NM manipuated HER father (yes, my maternal grandmother was covert and he was an enabler too) into saving up to what became her $7M inheritance. I wish I was joking.
While NG's father (my 2X maternal great-grandfather) was narcissistic, most of my extended family narcs are female. Yes, they dump on my wife, too. I'm just saying the shoe can firmly be on the other foot - but I refuse to carry on the tradition of being trapped.
Maybe get a job. A man is not a plan.
@@amberinthemist7912 my dad is the victim of the abuse actually 🤨
My father was a enabler and one day he looked me straight in the eye when I was in my late 40s and said, “ Every day you get up and life kicks you in the ass”, like that was news to me. I had already freed myself of my malignant narcissist mother and him. He was clueless. I did not get any comfort, he just stayed out of it. I had to try really hard not to laugh in his face when he said that.
It is so heartbreaking when your enabling parent is watching you suffer but says and does nothing to protect you. If your parents were your biggest bullies and you have survived, and you heal from the traumatic ordeal, you become unstoppable. Thank you 🙏 Jerry 😊 God bless you❤
Thank you….
Exactly. I suffered a heart attack on the spot - twice - when being abused by my mother in front of my dad as a teen and young adult.
He did absolutely nothing.
Now years later I confronted him about that and he said, "Well I worked a lot you know and was never there, " - completely disregarding the fact that he was actually physically present at the time.
I’m just stuck
It took me til age 32 to finally tell my abusers to get f****d even my dad who was the enabling parent. They wouldn't see reason so I said my piece and took my peace back. Most empowering thing I've ever done for myself 🥹 trauma cannot and will not be forgiven and won't be forgotten. History doesn't have to repeat itself
@@Mantras-and-MysticsI'm so sorry
Me: "But Dad, I didn't do anything wrong!"
Dad: "Just tell your mother you're sorry. You know how she is."
I have come to be like "this is how I am too". And then I proceed to say and do whatever I like no matter how much they get irritated. As Elon Musk said: "F**k them".
*Buried memory unlocked*
Just nod your head and do what he asked! - my mother every time her husband screamed at me and threatened me.
YEP
How many times did I hear that in my life, wow.
My mom was the narcissist and my dad was the passive quiet type that ignored everything. When I asked him why mom treated me that way he would just tell me to try and ignore it.
I really feel like both of my parents never loved me. There is no real love shown in my family, I was the scape goat child that my mother hated and heaped mental abuse on my my whole life.
I’m learning it’s more common than I thought.
I am so sorry. I feel like I am in a similar situation. I messed up my mom's life by being born. It's hard not to let the lack of love not hurt.
My parents told me to ignore my brother's abusive behavior, but when I did, the abuse got worse. I started fighting back and then I got punished for "starting a fight"
It’s bittersweet to see I’m not alone in this.
@@bradyryan5105 yeah, I know that feeling and it’s not very good
Thank you so much. It's something that bothered me for years. Why didnt the so-called "healthy" or "well" parent protect us? You're so right, we internalized self-neglect.
Because i stood up to my father during his raging punishment, trying to reason with him to stop, my mother insisted i caused the rage myself and deserved every blow and shaming remark.
Are you me? That was my teens and 20s. He’d get right up in my face spitting and screaming at me.I’m a girl. I was terrified but pissed and would scream right back. But it was my fault of course.
“Don’t rock the boat” my Mom would say every time I tried to fight back. Thank you so much for sharing insight! Much love.
Mine says the same thing about my sibling. I think there's actual fear because of the narcissistic/anger issues involved.
Ditto!
The exact words my father used about my mother... 💡
What about when your parents enable your narcissistic sibling by telling you to "just ignore her, you know what she's like" for over 40 years?
Yep. Those parents are abusers, too.
Same thing, different generational role. Keep your distance from them all when you can. They're already making up their own narrative about who you are, whether you are there or not. 😢
I've caught my parents making up lies to cover up the awful things my three siblings have done that no longer in contact with. (1 out of 3 didn't do anything terrible like the other two, he's on my list too to never speak to again. What can be called an ENABLER! PS--the worst offender of the three claimed in an anonymous phone text that it was supposedly him and my older sister who encouraged him to hack my phone)
Your folks are like that too?
Well. Hello there!
Yes
My narc father would say that my enabler mother was an angel. She could do no wrong. She defended him and allowed the abuse. And the us kids thought of her as above reproach. She was no victim, she used it to her advantage. Always deferring to him and coming to his aid, leaving us to our confusion and pain with no help.
My mom is a narc; my dad was an enabling/co-dependent secret alcoholic. I used to put my dad on a pedestal because he was a kind and loving person, but he would stand by and watch my mom's abuse and tell me that "we just have to let your mother have her own way.' I live 8000 km away and went no contact with my mother at Christmas. I have been experiencing grief, but not for what I lost, but for what I never had. 😢
My story too, other than the distance. I’m 3,300 miles away. My grief comes in stages, and I accept it as a natural part of healing. It’s truly sad. Now I am practicing spiritual kintsugi and gathering up my broken parts, mending myself into wholeness with golden thoughts. Our childhoods were not ideal to say the very least. BUT we can repair ourselves. The narcissists and the enablers of the world will not or cannot. Pat yourself on the back and give yourself a hug. You are you. Most likely you have a *heart* of gold.
“Any resistance to others that treat me badly only makes it worse”. That hits so hard.
Very true
Brainwashing you to be a door mat for bullies.
meaning?
“Why didn’t you protect me, Dad?” “Well, I was the one that had to live with her.”
Exactly 💯 😂
I desperately BEGGED my father twice as a child to divorce my mother and get my sister and i away from her. He didn't. He spent his marriage hiding at work to avoid the chaos at home and when home he hid in his room to avoid conflict. It's one thing i can't completely forgive my father for. He should have protected his children. He did not and we have suffered our entire lifetimes because of it. My sister died relatively young of cancer but had she lived in sure she would still be suffering the effects of my mother as i am. It's completely shaped my life (destroyed my social skills and any chance of happiness or a relationship)
Oh yes!! Dad worked 6 days a week left at 7am returned at 6pm, ate then went into the garage to 'fix the car' until 10pm.
@@TinaButcher-r6m isn't that sad???? My dad just did his best to avoid everything which unfortunately included his 2 daughters. We were all walking on eggshells 24/7 and that was the only way he could find to deal with it. He should have gotten a divorce. At the very least he would have escaped her wrath and it would have possibly been less volatile at home for my sister and I. But idk, she may have just increased her attacks on us:/
I can totally relate. These narcs ruined our lives -our childhood and adulthood.
@@TinaButcher-r6mmy dad did the same thing always pretending to be “busy” especially when other people would come over to the house probably out of embarrassment of his own cowardly behavior and trying to avoid conflict. Is this stuff that common or what
Spent 20yrs with my wife and I see now I was the enabler, unknownly for few reasons mentioned here,but for me it was my duty to protect and help my wife. The abuse I suffered was destroying me but I stayed, the abuse of my children was very well hidden from me for many reasons. Then it got so bad I couldn’t not see it and that was it, my 3 children are with me and we have not seen or heard from her for almost 2yrs. We have got professional help and support and we’re healing and happy, some men just love blindly are to loyal and want to save everyone in there family.
That was me but a soon as I was aware I saved my babies and live with the guilt of not saving them sooner..
God bless you bladen.💛 It’s not easy to accept your role in the dysfunction, but you did and you did something about it; which is commendable. 💛 Try to imagine what it would feel like if one day you could release that guilt and replace it with feelings of empowerment, humility, compassion and empathy for yourself and the pride of knowing that you found a way out of the narcissistic fog and a way to help yourself and children start anew. ✨
Although you can’t change the past try to allow yourself to celebrate and embrace the fact that you were able to remove yourselves from the cycle and give yourself and your children a chance for a healthier and happier future. 🫶
The trauma bond is a debilitating place to be but you found the strength and courage to break free from it which took a large amount of courage and resilience to do. 💛
Sending you and your children healing prayers of continued strength, peace, faith, hope and forgiveness of yourself and each other as you continue to move out of the darkness and into the light. 🙏💪✨🕊️
I find it hard to believe parents don’t know the other is abusive to kids.
I think it’s just not bad enough for them to take a stand.
If we are very tuned into our child’s moods and how they operate we will see it.
And abusers don’t abuse just when the other parent is not around
I think it’s more like we didn’t know how to deal with it or didn’t want the co n sequences.
We parents who grew up in dysfunction will become dysfunctional parents and often don’t see it because we grew up with that being normal.
Butterfly I do believe as you say that we all try to deal with it in the best way we know how which can be extremely challenging when you are being gaslit all the time and don’t even know what that word means until you become awakened and aware in recovery. ✨
Personally I used to fight the Nex all the time and try to make him aware of the effect of his behavior was having on me and our children and it would go on deaf ears. In response he would then tell me I was crazy, making stuff up and tried to convince my children that I was trying to break up our family. After being hammered with that so often you start to question the reality of it all. There were many times I would try to tell the kids to stop fighting him and to change the subject because I knew distracting him and redirecting his focus would make it stop for all of us temporarily in the moment. It wasn’t turning a blind eye it was more of a defense mechanism to help us survive in the chaos. The enabling spouse often is the one that emotionally regulates the narc spouse; which is an awful place to be in, but the alternative is often much worse. ✨
I agree with you butterfly that dysfunction breeds dysfunction which is why I have so much empathy and respect for a parent like bladen that finds a way out for him and his children once he saw what he could not unsee. Twenty years of narcissistic abuse and the CPTSD that comes along with that is not something that I would wish on my worst enemy and the fact that he chose to lead a different path is something that many wish they could do, but so few actually find the courage, strength and awareness to make happen.💛
@@abutterfly7975 yes I was raised with abusive mother, and what I seen with my wife was similar and I would lose it. Some how I would be manipulated by her vulnerability and childhood into be leaving she need help learning different and she was a victim too. I also work very very long hours and didn’t see my family a lot because I had my own business. Once I got a better understanding business went and I got my kids away.
Yes I played a part with my own dysfunction but without a conscious awareness how is one to see it? Though I agree with some of what you’re saying it’s never black and white and it comes across as victim blaming. Again once aware I got my kids out how many can say that..
BRAVO!! ALL THE BEST TO YOU AND YOUR KIDS.
My mom was cheating on my dad before I was born, and she benefited from him taking it all out on me. She had a good reason not to protect me. I was begging her to let me leave so I could at least finish my school in peace, but it didn't happen. They destroyed me completely. I learned my profession at the age of 40.
Proper: Congratulations for your tenacity, strength, and determination.
You survived, got out, and learned many life skills.
May you continue healing, and go forth with pride toward your own personal goals.
There is many, many good things the earth has to offer you!
🌟
I'm 39 and looking to find my profession. You are not alone. Thanks for sharing
Mom always said I wasn't uni material so I got a student loan and college degree instead, some people are never even that fortunate, cut your losses count your blessings, 🎉❤😊
They didn't destroyed you completely ... even it feels like that. It's you who went and learned your profession at the age of 40!😃😎 It's also you who learns about these dysfunctional patterns and work on your own healing. You're still here and rebuilding yourself. 🙂💪 And we are in this together with you.
you're an inspiration I hope to be where you are im 33 and making my way bit by bit
My mother still enables my narcissistic father. Even after he left her for a younger woman. It’s taken me years to finally realize that my parents were the problem, not me.
Mine too! My dad cheated serially on my mom and she KNEW. yet she chose to stay. I was 14-15 when he watched hardcore porn on the family computer in front of me and went to the bathroom for a conspicuous time after as I watched tv. I was the one who had to overhear him yelling at my mom. “What does it matter who’s effing in the bed next to us?” As he tried to coerce her into swinging which he did. I learned from my mom to go along to get along, stay with abusers, put up with disrespect and control, and neglect myself in favor of the man’s needs. My dad normalized awful sex crap that abusive partners have repeated on me. Turned out those things were felony SA.
My mom still treats me like a burden and prioritizes my POS alcoholic father who, every night when she falls asleep, goes to the computer room to chat up women via gaming and watch porn at 74.
The best part?
They’re both Fox News devotees, as in that’s the only channel they watch and they believe every word. 😢
My Dad worked away Monday to Friday. My Mum was cruel to me and lied about me constantly. If I tried to tell him it wasn't true he would shout me down telling me not to answer back. Mother smirking behind his shoulder. When I was early twenties with two toddlers of my own he told me that he knew exactly what went on. I broke down crying and asked why he didn't help me, he said he was tired from work and didn't want the hassle. Biggest betrayal of my life.
Adult child of an emotionally and verbally abusive mother here. My dad was the passive enabler. He never stood up to her and allowed her to destroy the lives of three children, but for the golden child. Healing from this hell has been taking me my entire lifetime. And I am still not fully recovered, hence my comments here, and video watching.
Wishing you well on your road to recovering the TRUTH of your being and the happiness you deserve.
The nap thing with Dad is really something. At times I wish my Dad would have just leave us. He was a teacher and would get home at 3:30 and nap till 6. Then eat til 7. Then do paperwork till 9. We were not allowed to speak to him till after 9. Only for 30 min. Most of the time he faked a headache and went to lay down. Great Dad.
My mom did that crap too. Smirking behind peoples backs.
Sometimes the enabler is also being abused and that's the best they can do. It sucks, it hurts, it causes so much damage - but it's the dynamic that the abuser creates. Its survival in the moment
I came from a narcissistic dad and a weak mother. I ended up marrying narcissist. They say you go with what you know. I got help. I got out. I have been making it up to my kids ever since. Most have forgiven me. One hasn't. I was scared and unsure. But I am still to blame for my part. I live with that. Reach out to your kids. They are in pain.
This is very important. But… Something no one talks about is that when you leave your narc spouse, you are often NOT supported by your family , friends, or community , and often directly undermined, and that means you can end up losing your child to your ex, or to the very dysfunctional “system” who can sides against you when your child acts out because of the abuse by the other parent and the abandonment or abuse by the others .
Yes sone parents could have left and had a lot of support, but others will only be undermined and can lose their child , putting them in a worse predicament.
We live in a very dysfunctional world now where people don’t support their own family & friends even in crisis.
So true!!!
Yes. Absolutely. Despite the pain of living with my mother, his greatest fear was losing us to the system if they divorced. He was afraid bc he wouldn’t be in the house
So true My mother supported my violent ex when l ran away with three small children
exactly, all these therapists just say leave your family , thinking of a small part only missing the bigger picture. life is a lesson we all have to learn, and it’s never easy
@@SanctuaryGoodLife that is very true It is quite common for families, so called friends and the community to side with the narc no matter how bad they are I knew a girl who left her crazy husband All her children , siblings and so called friends went against her When l left my violent ex most do called friends did not support me and my mother and sister did affidavits supporting him saying their was nothing wrong with him and he should have custody of the children They both knew how dangerous he was He ha already cut off half my hand with his saw and nearly did the same thing to our young daughter I don't talk about it because on the odd occasion l have l am met with a blank look and the subject is changed Most people have no idea what it is like not are they interested as it may ruffle their comfortable lives So l press on with my children and the few people who are trustworthy
That’s where my father the enabler is. “Well, you had food, clothes, a roof over your head….i did my part.”, he would say. He wouldn’t get, that he blew it especially for me.
They have children and treat them like livestock basically. Completely neglect them spiritually, emotonally and psychologically. Actually, they sometimes treat animals better than their own children.
wow! What a cop-out. No wonder why so many of us "survivors" want to or eventually do move far, far away.
Pathetic that's what he is legally obligated to do and that's the bare minimum. If a parent doesn't provide adequate food, clothing, and shelter that's called child neglect and a crime. SMH. That's the equivalent of telling someone you should be thankful I didn't violently assault you.
My mother would say the same exact thing.😡
Once i’ve seen how my enabling father was comforting my cousins, he was gentle and happy. I was 27 (same age as my cousins). He NEVER was so kind to me. Like he became a different person. Now i realise he loved them. Not me.
I remember 1 time my mother left my father and she asks me and my brother's if we wanted to go with her or stay with our father right in front of our father.. We were all terrified of our father, so we chose our father. My mother slammed the van door and my father drove away. I remember looking out the back window at mother as we drove away..
I wanted to cry for her to save us but I was so scared..
At 8 years old I also knew already the toxic cycle with my parent's. I knew my mother would eventually return back to my father. So I made a survival decision by staying with my father because if my mother went back to my father with us then we would all get beaten for choosing our mother..
Every time I tried to talk to my father about my narcissist mother all I got was "that's just how she was raised."
Aka “so why were you expecting anything better?” with blank stares. It’s like … hello… you were supposed to be teaching me to be a successful person but bait and switched me to raise myself AND uncover what you are AND how not to die….It’s gut wrenching.
That was her brother's excuse (my uncle). My Dad just said "She's your mother," as if mothers are allowed/expected to be viciously abusive.
Oh, narcissists deliberately surround themselves with enablers.
My mom is the malignant narcissist in my family. My dad has done all of these enabl-y things. The realization of how aloof my dad was is a recent discovery for me. He told me that he stayed so that he could have as much access to us kids as possible. He didn’t think that he would ever get to see us if he divorced my mom because she is relentless in her pursuit of vengeance and punishment- which is absolutely true. That said, he downplays the severity of our experiences in childhood. My anger and sadness from his behavior is a new discovery for me. It seems like the list of things to heal from gets longer faster than it gets shorter. 😣😕
My enabling dad wouldn't even admit to any of the abuse going on, even when she would call us abusive names or speak rudely or beat us or play way too roughly with us or dunk us repeatedly in pools or the beach to where I would end up gasping and crying and running away from her. By the time I was around 8 I refused to put on a bathing suit and swim when taken to a pool or beach. She did a lot of it in front of him but we got it so much worse when he was at work.
Good luck❤
Highly recommend you check out Jesse Lee Peterson
My father too, he knew if he left she would make sure he never saw his kids again and would strip him of every possession and penny he had for the rest of his life.
Aw man. This hit hard. Both of my parents are cluster Bs. They have major trauma from their childhoods that they didn't bother to resolve. Of course, they passed it on to my brother and me.
My mother is a fire breathing monster. We all were tormented by her daily because she would not, could not control her emotions. My parents were married for 30 years before my dad packed up his shit and abandoned the family. And then he had the nerve to say he stayed so long because of us, his kids. He blamed us for it as if we had any say in the matter.
It's been three years since my 'marriage' collapsed and I had to move back 'home' to the toxicity that I learned what my father was. I hated him for leaving us with her while he got free to have a nice life without his burdens that HE CHOSE to undertake.
He was the enabler who sat in his recliner completely zoned out and disassociated when my mother would go on her rampages. He did not protect us from her. I don't know why he had children. He never cared about us even a little bit, and he resented having to do anything with us. He was a provider, but he thought that's all he was required to do.
My dad was "safer." He didn't yell the way my mom did. I realized he wasn't screaming at me because he didn't care I existed. You can't be angry at something you don't care about and as a result hardly see. My bro is completely estranged from him because he is deeply, deeply enmeshed with our mother. My bro is a monster now too. Both of us are irredeemable failures in my old man's eyes. Failures that he hung out to dry. I'm nothing like my brother, yet he compares me to my bro constantly. At age 40, he has no idea who I am. He never bothered to care.
I'm a pretty decent person. I was a good kid. I had to be. When I started figuring out what my dad was, his selfish, cowardly behaviors made sense. But I couldn't figure out why he was so hard on me now that I was home and seemed to hate me. I hadn't done anything majorly wrong in my life or to him personally. I struggled with no help from anyone. I did pretty good considering, could have turned out a lot worse.
When I confronted him to hold him accountable -- not blame -- he lost his mind. Gaslighting galore. His favorite phrase is "That's just your opinion." Zero empathy for me trying to explain how much he hurt me, hurt us. Anger and denial and trying to force me into feeling sorry for HIM, that HE was the victim in all this. His mask fell off and has been off ever since. Demonic narcissist through and through.
Now he's lovebombing me, and I feel so confused. I can't go no contact with any of them right now. But when I can, I am out. They all have hurt me too much and pushed me too far. I grieve what I never had, but I won't shed a tear when any of them croak. We were nothing to each other.
Thank you, Jerry.
Merry Christmas, survivors. I hope you all manage to have a pleasant holiday in spite of all the hardships and struggles.
I relate to your story. I have difficulty cutting my family off at 52 yrs old. The love bombing is to keep you around. I’m coming to terms with my family dynamics and that it will never change. My son has cut them off but I still keep one foot in even though I feel disconnected.
Fuck parents.!!!!!! Same here !!!!!!!
I feel so sorry for the pain. Sadly i am also feeling it. The truth of no love no caring no ... went jo contact 3 months ago hope you cen do the same . It is not easy though
Damn bro you need to gtfo of there. I have a very similar story man, and I walked away from my parents, brothers, aunts, uncles, and everybody i knew 5 yrs ago. It was so hard lol, but it taught me so much about myself, and what im made of. Seriously its like a long vacation. Its amazing how good life gets without these toxic demons out of your life.
🙏God Bless brotha
Everyone psychologically gamed each other for how long, only got their own needs met at any cost, your brother obviously fell into the pit. For the love of everything decent you were the one who cared but just stop. These jerks cosmically owe you. Take what you need from them now, don’t give one single damn how it seems or how they might feel. Then when it’s safe for YOU and works for YOU, drop them like a pair of crutches you don’t need anymore and learn to dance! Screw em, they don’t know what decency is and they owe you your karmic reparations. Take it from them and then go be healthy and teach other people. This is why I hate these sick people. They want healthy people to be their emotional support pets that need nothing back.
Holy moly. I grew up with this family dynamic, went no contact (finally) just a few years ago. The amount of anguish and problems this caused me with making friends and relationships and self esteem is just something I dont think I'll ever be able to forgive. The fact that my enabler parent never drew the line or stood up for themselves (or me) just makes my blood boil. Its so unfair. Ive spent so much money on counseling and coaching to undo the damage and I've made significant progress. God damn its an uphill battle though. Learning how to not be ashamed of your very existence is quite difficult bit its entirely doable. Get help as soon as you can if you grew up like this, don't wait like I did.
It's okay. I am almost 63 and educating myself on narcissism 3 years and a year ago, reading letters my narcissist mother wrote to her sister, I finally connected with why I have always had an underlying sense of not feeling safe. My older brother terrorized me and I cried alot and she made it out like all we did was fight and he picked on me. At 6 months old! That letter spoke volumes! Not a tear shed at her memorial 16 yrs ago and just now understanding why.
I grew up with this family dynamic as well, and I’ve been no contact for two years. Spent endless amounts of money on therapy to heal decades of abuse. I’m angry and it’s unfair. You’re not alone ❤
I am glad you got help and were able to break free. It is a lonely road. I married into it and it nearly destroyed me! I can't imagine growing up that way.
I feel this.
I'm just seeking therapy now, and LC with that part of the family.
It's hard.
I believe in all of You ❤️
You're not alone I went through exactly the same thing and went no contact about 4 years ago. I feel better now but it's like life is just spending every day getting over how you were treated. And how it affects your relationships and friendships in later life. I feel you.
I kept wondering why I couldn't pick a guy who didn't end up treating me badly until I saw how I fit into the pattern growing up. My life was all about being the doormat and believed what ever I contributed was never enough or good enough.
You used the term “Flying Monkey” and I’ll never forget the one time I told my dad that he was my mothers Flying Monkey and that was probably the one and only time I’ve ever seen him get so upset and angry with me. I feel bad for my dad and it breaks my heart to see the way my mother treats him. Some times I really wonder if he knows what’s going on or if he’s really that oblivious to it all.
Sounds like he knows on a subconscious level, otherwise he wouldn’t have been so angry when you called him a flying monkey.
You called him out on his crap and he knew it.
We were always isolated. The enabler was always working. The abusive narcissistic step father would bully us if he saw us, so we hid ourselves away.
100%!! When my enabler father was dying he told me I had to do more to take care of my narcissistic mom and to “be nicer to her.” I said you know she was highly abusive to me as a kid. He told me to “get over it.” Those were some of his last words to me and I never saw him alive again.
Wow I’m so sorry
@@jerrywise thanks, your content is outstanding and very helpful
Learn as much as u can bout relationships ..boss friends family etc . B protected they coukdnt😢
To this day, my family hopes my mom goes before my dad. For everyone's sake. Such a sad fucking reality.
Same!
I would lie awake at night as a young adult, terrified that my Dad would die first & I'd be left to take care of her. Thank God, she died in her mid-70s while Dad lived to 87. I never fully relaxed until she was gone for good - it's the most wonderful feeling in the world!
This video hit home. The narcissist is dead but I'm still dealing with (low contact) a 90 year old enabler who is still in denial.
I don't think "narcissist" goes with addiction. Addiction can contribute to someone becoming selfish and manipulative in order to feed their habit, but they don't usually tend to think highly of themselves and they don't get pleasure from it.
They also turn it around and it like YOU are abusing THEM if you call them on their sh*t.
"Sometimes there's 2 narcissistic parents." Thank you! On another channel I won't name the guy says that narcissists never choose other narcissists and so one of them is codependent (they both can't be narcissists). This was always so confusing to me because I was so sure both my father and stepmother were both narcissists. Thanks for giving another point of view legitimacy.
Covert and Covert make an Awesome couple 😅 💑
@@monaj33 Yes, come to think of it. I think they are both the covert type and not the grandiose type. And it is starting to make more sense now thinking about it how two coverts could 'work' together.
@@JohnSmith-ks5xwWell now I've got another thing to have nightmares about😅.That sounds like an absolute match made in Hades😳.
Not sure which channel you're referring to, but there is assuredly a war on territory about information on narcissism. Narcissists are very threatened by the truth and if they can fudge it they will go for it. Stay safe and don't stop thinking.
@@3nrika I think it's just a difference in opinion and worldview. People can be incorrect or just have different definitions of things or ways of looking at things. I tend to gravitate toward teachings that resonate with and clarify and explain my own experience and clear up cognitive dissonance. I think the other channel was well intentioned, but that particular teaching was very confusing for me.
11 years No Contact with my FOO - so glad I walked away from their toxicity. I’m not sure who their new scapegoat is now, and I don’t care. I just can’t believe it took me decades to realize that my alcoholic father was an overt narcissist and my enabling mother is a covert narcissist. I used to think that once my father died - and my two siblings moved out of my parents’ house - I could finally have a “relationship” with my mother. That was over 11 years ago, and my siblings are still living with her. One is in his 50s, and the other is in her 60s. They’re all co-dependents. Thank God I went NC with them and am finally living a peaceful, normal life. Happy Holidays, everyone! 🌲
Without siblings who deal with your toxic parents you wouldn't have been able to stay away from them 😢. I have known very well for over a decade, no two decades what monsters my parents are, but since I'm the only child and they are very dysfunctional yet not enough to be put into institutionalised care, I have to occationally go meet them and take care of some legal, and household stuff. I'm doing the minimum but even that is too much now. The madness I have to sometimes encounter is just too much. I'm trying to find ways to make it easier to arrange them to be taken care off somehow by professionals.
My Golden Child 60 yo sister lives with my narc Mom. She's the new scapegoat. The forever Golden Child 68 yo Brother makes my sister's life miserable. My Mom does nothing about it. Same as when we were kids. I told her to move out.
@@c4tmh133 so the 60 yo really isn't golden child. Mom's prefer the golden sons. Anyways, narcs usuaĺly have those roles on rotation too.
@@LoveBeliefTruth Great!!! I was the scapegoat all my life. Then I moved away from them all for good 20 years ago. Never been happier!!! I'm Very Low contact now!!! Yes, we All Knew the 68 yo was Always the Golden Child. But my Mom was great at making the other children feel better than me. So they settled for that.
@@c4tmh133 good for you, then. I've also been as minimal as possible but as only child all those roles on me. And unfortunatelly when police or ambulance or social worker or construction repair or digital assistance is needed, I'm the one to be called first, then police, ambulance... etc. Sometimes before lawyer too.
I was 11 or 12 years old. It was done by my mother, my grandparents saw the whole thing happening, as it happened in their house and did nothing to convince or stop my mother. They let it happen because they also were being lied to about a key to the storage. The key went missing for days. We kept looking for it. A couple of days later I came home from school, my grandparents were out for work, and I found that key right in front of the door of that storage. My first reaction was like "This can't be! We looked over here! Check this out, mom!" But I was immediately suspected by my mother that I knicked the key, put it in my pocket and forgot about it. That was the lie that my mother wanted to hear out of my mouth. It just wasn't true. So I got grounded. For weeks. I was being interrogated for days about that key, after it was found. I kept resisting, until I finally yielded after a week or so and abided by her lie. I just wanted to be done with and get over it. So I 'admitted' (=lied) to my grandparents, about putting the key in my pocket, forgot about it and losing it in the laundry bin and apologized for lying about it.
This moment was taken by my mother as an example to try to gaslight me as a pathological liar, a person who can't stop telling lies, throughout my whole adolescent youth. Therefore, throughout my whole youth, any argument, anything that came out of my mouth, was a lie. Regardless. "Remember that key!?"
But it was my mother who put the key there for me to find.
Oh wow I am so sorry to hear that.
@@Anime-chan-gl4pe this was only the start of it. Really, my childhood and adolescence were insane. Sick times. I can write whole books about my youth.
As the Family Scapegoat of my own narc egg donor, I would have NEVER agreed to the lie. I was very stubborn and refused to go along with her false narrative and hypocrisy. Of course she made my life miserable just the same.
@@BlackSheep380 we have already been through a trauma that year. But that's a whole other book to write. But at 11 years old, I had to contemplate to make this lie to my grandparents to make the humilliating interrogations and isolation stop. I can still vividly remember to make that decision during a sleepless night. So I apologized for lying about the key. Not for making it disappear. The lie was that I lied about the key, and I immediately apologized to my grandparents for it. In front of my mothers eyes. None of them understood about wich lie I was talking. However it just wasn't enough to prevent my mother to use this against me. She needed something to gaslight me to get me under control. So the more my mother tried to use this against me later on, the more I started to resist and rebel against her. The more I started to suspect her and confront her about that key whenever she tried me again, the more insane she behaved. I also grew a habit of walking the dog for hours, or walking away from home for days, sometimes weeks. Just have some peace of mind. Just to be away from her 3 days a week precence. Even that was too much. My stubborness and resistence is what my egg donor hated the most about me. We truely hated eachother with passion. 😂
Sounds like something my narcissist Mom would pull
Excellent video, thank you! For decades, my enabling father excused my narcissistic mother's rages with, "she does it because she loves you so much." They're now in their 70s; I've been honest about needing therapy for C-PTSD resulting from her abuse, and he STILL gives the same excuse, and insists I need to get over my "feelings" and come back to the family dynamic. He continues to downplay her behavior and to proclaim her love as "boundless." It's so sad and dismaying. Both of these individuals can't function outside of the toxic system they've created.
The problem is that the way to stop the narcissist is to end the marriage. A lot of people could not end their marriage for financial reasons or other reasons. So if one dominant person within a family is a narcissist, the whole family will behave like they are narcissists as well. Usually your siblings are narcissists as well. If you are the scapegoat, you will have to realize that.
My life
My adoptive dad was a narc, but his bio son and I didn’t act like he did. Adoptive brother was somewhat cast in a golden child role, being the only grandson… but actually turned out pretty healthy as an adult in spite of all the crap going on (somehow!).
Yes, and since I left I've been technically homeless and now he's died and the adult children have control of all the assets. I have become the victim of my children.
Once they're adults, it's their job to take responsibility for hurting you.
THAT...was me! Spot on comment!
IMO, enablers are often also narcs as well. They engage in the same tactics like gaslighting and manipulation. All my enablers later unmasked themselves as abusers, too ... only more covert. No one who allows someone to be abused for their own convenience, comfort, or the family image is a good person.
Yep enablers are often time weaker narcs.
Absolutely. As a kid I’d see my mom stand up to my dad when she wanted money for an addition to the house or new appliances but stand back and watch him physically, verbally and emotionally abuse us without blinking. Totally narcissistic.
Yes, absolutely agree.
His family enablers are worse than the narcs, and they married even more narcissistic people.
Your comment and the replies below give me peace because I have observed and recognized so many patterns a covert narc would have in my mom but she was the by that time still deified victim..
I thought I was mad to believe she could be both enabling my dad and be a narc herself at the same time.
Now I know that I am not crazy but this is very much so real.
Thank y'all 🙏🌈
Have a great day and healing journey ♥️
Every one of us who endured such neglect, we were all traumatized and now suffer from Complex Trauma. I’m so sorry for us.
My mom says, I don't want to upset you but, and then proceeds to bring up my deceased daughters and wife. They have been gone over 15 years. It's a very sad story that my parents bring up every holiday, family event or whenever they feel like it. I'm 62, my parents are over 90. It won't stop until they are gone.
or you leave.
Maybe they are just oblivious. I'm not sticking up for them, I just know that people grieve in different ways. Some people want to talk about them to remember. Other people like you it's all inside so you can function. Neither one is wrong. I've lost a child and never got to grieve properly so I'm stove up emotionally. I sincerely hope that you tell yourself, your feelings and the way you need to grieve is valid. Would they get it if you told them how you feel? Our society makes us screw emotions all up. If we could just have them, we would all be healthier. The grief never goes away but for me it changes. My dad was killed when I was 17. When I started wirewrapping jewelry like he did, it started another wave of it. Be kind to yourself, whatever that means.❤
Don’t subject yourself to that abuse.
@@TheREALLibertyOrDeath I have to say that they did make me mentally strong and I am one tough cookie!
@@sarah06ish wow! If I didn't share the responsibility of caring for them., I would tell you to leave! They just get worse as time passes
I used to feel sorry for my dad bc his mom physically abused him. My mom left him, and then my cruel stepmom married him. She made it clear he wasn't in charge of me anymore SHE was. She threatened to leave him if he took up for me or my siblings. So he just let her have full control of us and be as cruel as she wanted. Sometimes though, he took a cue from her and was mean to us too. That's what makes it hard to forgive him. As an adult, they both neglect me, and I've come to the conclusion "he chose her over you, so just let them both go." They can stay in their evil empire together and I just have to move on. It hurts sometimes that he didnt lift a finger to help me to this day, but no contact is going to be my only peace of mind. Thanks for another great video, Dr. Wise ❤
What Jerry is describing is what most of us experienced growing up, whether too little or too much was expected from us, congratulations if resisted.
You are brilliant. I am 74 years young. This teaching has just connected dots for me that I struggled with my entire life. THANK YOU! Dr. Wise, indeed!
Religion plays a big role in this for a lot of ppl especially depending on the sexes my mom came from an extremely religious background. One of her parents was a pastor and her own mother told her to go back to my abusive father. I'm also aware that my mom has her own flaws. I just think sometimes theres a lot at play in situations like this. So many ppl just blindly repeat patterns they themselves saw. I am doing my best to move on from my traumatic childhood and trying to form a better life for myself.
Many of Us Were Groomed to Be An Enabler...
Much Peace to All those Choosing to Rebuild Thier Former "Purpose".
* Respect
Did this refresh anyone else’s memory? I just had so much emotional come flooding back. Very eye opening, thank you for this video 🙏🏼✨♥️
Powerful feelings aren't they? Mine was when I watched a video on a "blank face study" or whatever, in which the parent shows no emotion or support to the child, after showing happy facial expressions. The reaction by the children were scary similar to my experiences (only she's always blank faced).
Being influenced to neglect ourselves because the enabling parent did -- Wow. That turned on s couple of lights for me. It's clear how the narc affects us into adulthood but I never thought about how we were learning how to treat ourselves from the enabler, too. If you have one abusive parent, you have two. Thank you Dr.
This is important to hear at this time of year, I have a terribly toxic family situation and I am particularly sensitive around holidays, birthdays etc. My sibling has always wished I was dead and my mother enabled this to my detriment. I don't talk to sibling and not seeing mum christmas to keep myself well. It's sad but necessary. Thank you for addressing people like me, so much of the time I feel invisible.
I'm so sorry this is your experience. If it's ever possible to have a conversation with your sibling, you may want to ask why they don't like you or ask about a specific event. I say this because when I did this with my family member, I realized they had been fed a story by my mother that was a complete lie. So once they understood my side, they slowly came back around and we had a decent relationship.
I have stopped communicating with my family for months now. And it saddens me every day. My mother is critical on everything I do and my father sometimes tries to tame it down, but inevidently, he doesn't tell her to knock if off. My older sister is worse than my parents and my younger sister just follows along with my older one. My birthday in July came and my older sister ignored it. My younger sister finally texted late in the day. Their birthdays are in December and I ignored both. My mother commented on a post I made and I removed it because I didn't want to show my reaction. So I sent her a private message instead. No response from it. I could literally cry every day over this. I know some people say it's a relief to no longer communicate with a toxic family, but it makes me sad and weighs on me every day. Because I know that they all talk to each other regularly and not one has reached out to me to even try to make amends. No responses to my text messages or FB private messages. I'm completely abandoned by them. Ignored, left out, ostracized for doing nothing to cause this behavior. It's quite painful. Especially seeing all families together, happy, pictures of extended family celebrating the holidays. And I'm with my immediate family only. My children with no cousins to hang with (though they were never nice to my kids anyways, so no loss). But separate from grandparents, aunts, etc.
@@openmindedcenterist my sister and her husband have scammed my mum for money and I get in the way. When I attempted suicide no one cared or even came to the hospital, I have turned to God and that has helped, my mum has dementia so I will be saying goodbye for good soon. My nephew got married recently and they didn't invite me, it feels cruel and when I built up the courage to ask my sister she said she didn't want to involved with a mess like me, after that things turned out bad for her.
@@simonenyman4077In 2001, when I was 27-yrs old, I got left out of my younger brother's wedding despite living 2300 mi away because according to my mom, it was because I was going to bring my ex-girlfriend there to pick me up 5 hours away from my hometown after its conclusion.
In 2007 my older brother got married and I didn't even get an excuse this time.
Fast forward a decade later almost and my older sister starts a smear campaign just because I'm not going to go along with some order to go to rehab. Now I no longer talk to any of my siblings
(I had no idea what a harbinger of things to come that would be. But once you see someone without the MASK on one too many times, you CANNOT UNSEE IT anymore!)
@@simonenyman4077PS- I'm glad that you decided to stick around too. They didn't get to destroy you as much as they hoped to, and that's a victory in itself
This is what I realize I’ve been living with all along with this type of enabling parent (as a scapegoat myself with a narcissist, golden child sibling that targeted me pretty much, my entire life). Early on there was(and still is)lots of favoritism towards the Golden Child to the point I was forced to learn very early on, that I had only myself to depend on emotionally. Although I’m 52 now, the dynamic is still there, but I am not. I refuse to allow myself to be treated this way, so I gray rock a lot when forced to interact with the sibling. I’m also limited contact with the sibling, but I’m the one who stepped up to take care of our mother, despite not always having the emotional support I needed from her growing up. I’ve been more vocal with this over the last couple years, and she is trying, but I’m afraid the damage has already been done because this is a deep seated issue from early childhood. Right now I’m just trying not to rock the boat between me and my sibling and taking things a day at a time . I just got wise a couple of years ago while researching this subject for a fiction book I am working on. As I read other peoples stories, I started to realize lots of similarities with this and I couldn’t believe it. While it’s good to understand the toxic family dynamic, still, It’s a tough pill to swallow.
Yes 🙌, I am the same age and feel like 👍 you perfectly described my situation. 😢😢❤❤❤😊😊😊
@@rturney6376 it’s difficult because I care about my mom. I love her more than anything but I just wish that things had gone differently too. The treatment I got as a child shaped me as an adult and gave me a low self-esteem along with severe anxiety problems, depression, etc. On top of that I have ADHD and autism, so I am overly sensitive to many things. The sibling always feels that I’m being dramatic(gaslighting) but honestly I know now that I suffer from rejection sensitivity dysphoria. that’s difficult because you literally feel like everyone hates you and everything you do is wrong etc. and you don’t understand why people are angry at you all the time with sometimes they aren’t at all. It’s a mess and I’ve been in therapy most of my adult life trying to work it all out. my mom is in her 80s and I take care of her but literally she is the glue holding the family together at this point. Of course, the golden child is nowhere to be found to help me with anything but it’s to be expected. and even while I know that I am appreciated, I still feel like I have to struggle for equal treatment when it comes to my mother, having to choose between me and my sibling from an emotional standpoint. so, I stick to my self I don’t talk about anything I’m doing to anybody and I’m just taking it a day at a time.
Oh I feel so much for you. We are in the same boat. I was a golden child to avoid a beatdown. School and music saved me. At least there were clear parameters to being successful. Then I was told to hide my straight A report card because it may hurt my siblings feelings. There you go. My nephew stays with mom to “take care of her” while bullying her and selling off my father’s things out of the garage, smokes weed and refuses to get a job, get any training. It’s a rude awakening to see this. I had to do an elder abuse flag on her checking accounts and I’ll audit her bank statements bc she is afraid to spend money on food.
@@kerrymartinez4463 I am so sorry you're going through that. It's a shame that we are made to feel that we're not as important. It's a lot of why I don't tell anybody anything anymore. Either they feel I am showing off or they fear I am 'getting too high'. You know? The less everyone knows, the better.
@@Cassie-pt7mt hey there. yes it is very sad. And I’m so sorry that you’re going through similar situations along with many of us in the same boat. In my case good with my mom we seem to be okay when it’s just me and her. Anybody else gets involved outside of that, that’s when we struggle because I’m never the choice. It’s difficult but we do what we have to survive. I’ll pray for you as well, because yes, the holidays are difficult with all of the stuff going on. But I had to do it as a defense mechanism as far as not really going to family functions because I just got tired of being unprotected. someone will legitimately wrong me and I’ll get a lecture on the way home as to why I had to be difficult to start a problem or make waves. That makes me feel like I’m not being seen because why don’t I have the same protection that everyone else gets from my mom? So, I stopped going. And I figured if I’m not at an event in the first place no one can target me for anything because I wasn’t even there. Or sometimes they do and I hear about it later from my mom and that’s when I will stand up and tell her that I don’t want to hear about it. And she should know better because since we live together if I don’t go to something and she does obviously she knows I wasn’t there to do whatever it is I’m being smeared on. Her thing is wanting to appear like the perfect family to outside people. I don’t care about outside people because they have nothing to do with our family situation. And when I say outside people, I mean just the general public. She doesn’t want to look like a bad mother in front of people and she wants to portray that this is the perfect family and we don’t have problems except for when I do this that or third. And that’s where the scapegoating comes in. But she’s only putting it towards me because the golden child narcissist sibling is setting the tone for that and she’s enabling it by pushing their narrative. Over the past few years, there’s even been some kind of sabotage by her because I think she senses I’m at the end end of my rope with all of this that all I wanna do is move away now, and be on my own. But then who will take care of her if I’m not here? The golden child certainly won’t, and has not stepped up to help in any capacity. I know it upsets her that my sibling and I are not close, but it’s something quite honestly honestly that was created by her by enabling the narcissist behavior from the start and choosing sides. Surely she cannot expect things to be hunky-dory now after she created the condition. And this is what I’m still trying to work out is who really has what role because this started from when I was very young and as I grew up. I always knew that my sibling was the favorite. I had to learn how to be self-reliant and self-sufficient emotionally from a very young age. Its difficult for me to ask anybody for help because I’m so used to doing everything myself. I don’t wanna bother other people. And if it’s something really bad and I have to ask to help sometimes that’s when I get excuses and people hem and haw about why they can’t help me with this that or the third. I have never Done others like that when they were the ones that needed help. So I made a decision to take myself out of the equation and just not bother with anybody. They only have stop blowing up my phone when they need help with something or for me to take them somewhere or anything else. Other than that I’m not asked about anything I’m doing in my life or stuff that I’m working on it’s like I’m not even here . so I completely cut off any one that I feel is not giving me equal treatment. Changed my phone number, blocked them on social media the whole nine .Didn’t mean to ramble, but I hear what you’re saying.
This was so helpful. My enabling parent is my Dad. He was very passive and often pretended to be busy. To this Day He remains in total denial and often resorts to passive aggressive behaviour. He is also a hoarder who needs to be surrounded by clutter. Despite all His chaotic ways He remains extremely controlling at times and often refuses to spend money even on basic things. I find it emotional exhausting being arround Him because He is obviously in emotional distress but is in total denial about it.
My Dad used to shut himself into his shed to get away from confrontation, he was too weak to stand his ground with my mother and eventually took an overdose! hard times indeed!
Sounds just like my parental situation.
Being told "I love you." by my either enabling or covert narcissistic mother has messed my life up, it's taken me years to get out of my toxic family but the "I love you." has caused me to have a very difficult relationship with everyone because I associate it with lying and abuse.
yes they love using that phrase so meaninglessly and menacingly. I stopped listening to words and watching intentions and actions.
@@ccdm515 same with people and dating using gifts/money to shortcut a relationship and boy how mad when you refuse a person you accepted gifts from. that's why I don't like gifts until AFTER the relationship is established.
Same. I hate when my mother says she loves me and I always thought there was something wrong with me for ‘rejecting’ her love. Now I know her love is toxic and I have no need for it.
You just keep describing my childhood and now my adulthood with every video of yours I watch. It's sad but at the same time validating since I know it is an actual pattern in these kinds of family dynamics. I grew up being told I was making stuff up and it was in my head/attitude/perspective by one parent, and the problems completely ignored and denied and sugarcoated by the other parent. You describe my experiences perfectly.
This was my childhood also...A Narcissistic extremely abusive father and a mother who didn't want us (also the enabler).... These lectures are validating and so helpful...
The beauty of this scenario is that typically both parents are left alone in their older years. Yes I was still in contact with my enabler mom but the relationship was so superficial and limited.
Exactly 1:09 sometimes there 2 narcissistic parents. That's my complex abusive family situation.
Jerry, I want to thank you for this very impactful video. I came to terms with the fact that my father is a narc many years before I realized that my enabling mom is just as abusive in her own way. That hit FAR harder. It was like the one parent that I thought was ok only looks that way in comparison to him. I couldn't see that until I went no contact with him for 10 years while they remain married. Eventually, through the years, I realized I was still being abused, but now he wasn't wasn't the only perp, and all that was left was her. I went no contact with her 3 years ago.
They raised me with a foundation built with confusion. I have spent most of my life learning how to raise the house and rebuild that foundation properly. It's a LOT of work and on some days it feels absolutely impossible. But I have come a long way and my hard work shows through in my own children. They saved me in the sense that I was able to parent them in the ways I longed to be parented. This includes keeping them safe and separated from my parents by standing up to them in family court and having a Judge validate my decision to keep my kids safe from them. My children helped me realize that I am capable, loving, and kind of a bad ass.
My mother could see how my step dad was towards her but not towards us. Always the ONLY victim of the abuse.
He was malignant, she was covert
Some people only care about the bad behaviour when it's directed at them. They learn nothing from the abuse they suffer and willingly let others suffer because they're awful, too.
@@lordfreerealestate8302 very true
Same thing with my mother. My mother is overt self proclaimed grandiose narcissist and my father is BPD / covert malignant narcissist who can switch personalities and get on a sadistic level of delusional delirium. It's almost as if he was schitzofrenic part time and humble guy part time. Untile he gets to the momentarily grandiose narc phase where he openly declares normal rules don't bind him and he can do what ever he wants simply because he is he.
Enablers can change. I know because I was one, although it was not consciously done. I was raised in a narcissistic home, married a malignant narcissist, and excusing the inexcusable was just normal for me to do. Eventually I learned about narcissism (from reading self-help books, not from any therapist from whom I sought help for my chronic confusion and misery, of which there were several). Learning about the cluster B disorders changed me, and it made me want to change.
My late mother was a Narcissist "Enabler" ... I was absolutely DISGUSTED at her... She owed me a duty of care as a child (As the person who gave birth to me) she failed and she betrayed me.
Those enabling parents mostly fell victims to their own false picture of a happy marriage and happy family. If something did not work for them in building that ideal picture, they blamed on themselves instead of giving up that picture.
For me that started in childhood - being treated like a burden & made to feel/believe that other people's abuse toward me was my fault. That's how I sleepwalked from an abusive family dynamic right into an abusive relationship & became an "enabling" link in the chain of generational abuse 💔 All I can do now is try to explain which false beliefs about myself led me to fail my son as a parent, so he can hopefully overcome the same false beliefs about himself & make better choices for himself in his young adulthood, than what I was able to do in mine. I hope & wish the best things for him in life.
But you are different from your parents. They would never blame themselves. Or self examine. They blame others. They blame YOU. YOU DID NOTHING wrong as a child to deserve this treatment.
OMGosh you are so right !
So many families with this dynamic seem to be from the Silent generation or early Baby Boomers. I don't think the non-narc/enabling parent even understood what was going on and simply allowed the strong-willed narc to be in control of things. The Silent generation also seems to be especially resistant to talk about any issues in the family - they can't even say "I Love You" very easily. Anyway, I don't see discussing the past with my enabling parent or narc parent as part of my healing process.
I have always struggled to understand why my father would admit what was happening was bad but still not stand up for us kids.
Terrific video!
My enabling parent was childlike emotionally. They weren't about to do the right and necessary thing. My belief is narcissists should not be breeding because they are psychologically and physiologically (altered anatomy of brain) damaged.
These lectures are greatly helping. I work now to allow myself the "right" to take care of my own needs; and to further develop my own identity.
To be sure, even in my 60s I have learned just how profoundly I was affected by having narcissistic parents. The changes the experience has caused are pernicious, far reaching and long lasting. These lectures are revealing an underlying infection that must be cured.
I am truly grateful for these lectures!
I too am in my 60's and struggle with the abusive and trauma of my childhood...These lectures are a so validating and helpful!
@@glendalouis8784 These have to be the greatest times in history. I have found so much incredible information and experienced growth thanks to places like TH-cam.
I was just looking at Google Maps... I remember in the 1980s I wanted to move to California. [I was living in Austin, Texas at the time - Who knew everyone from California now wants to move to Austin?!]
To make the move I had to find things out about California. Soon, I found myself in the big public library looking at phone books of California. It was of no help. Finally, with what little money I had, I went there to look about... But I just didn't have enough information to make the permanent move.
Today, myself and many friends have easily relocated outside of the USA thanks to helpful information on the internet!
And now this: healing after all of these years! I am truly grateful.
Blessings from Nature Island.
I agree that evil people shouldn't be breeding. But I won't give them the excuse of having no choice for medical, or any other, reasons. They change their behaviour when it suits them. That alone condemns them.
@@joannageorge7305 Narcissists want power. They will maneuver themselves into positions of power.
The problem: By and large, through the ages, the herd rewards narcissists with power and privilege’s. This compulsion may remnants of an ancient protection mechanism (sentiment): to fall behind the meanest toughest SOB and you will be safe.
As a direct result, narcissists are ruling a significant portion of political, corporate, religious and social hierarchies. The resulting destruction to the cultural and individual psyches cannot be overstated. Every time they suck the blood from a victim they create yet another vampire predator. To be sure, epidemiologists tell us that the ranks of narcissists are on the rise.
Narcissists internalize the periphery into their own personal (fantasy) world and feel compelled to assert complete dominion over the external world. They will micromanage, impose bureaucracy and institute cult dynamics within the purview of their control.
Imaging of narcissists brains show they share many things with autism - Such as significant atrophy of the insula (resulting in, among other things, lack of empathy). Narcissism is much more than a thought or personality disorder. It is a disorder arising out of significant organic alterations of the physical architecture of the brain!
The horrors of bad government, malevolent corporations and cults will remain among us until the people, by and large, fully understand the dynamics of narcissism - And discontinue rewarding them with privilege and power.
Breeding😂yep or do deep healing and self-reflection before thinking about making offspring because that DNA will be passed on
I'm amazed at how many others constantly heard "She's your mother" (or father) growing up, as if that justified the endless spectrum of abuse! All it did was reinforce my negative view of motherhood, so nobody was surprised that I never had kids. Only now, after 40+ years of happy marriage, do I think about what I missed.
God, yeah. When I first got my first cat, I was a professional gamer. Someone in my chat called me a “cat mom” and I visibly bristled upon reading it. I then said “ew, please don’t call me a mom,” causing this person to leave my stream and never come back. I alienated this viewer and it took me years to realize I wasn’t a bad person, I was actually just traumatized by my malignant narcissist mother - she tainted my view of motherhood, leading to repulsion around the term.
...and of course, some enablers do not try to pick up the pieces, do not even stay neutral, but they join in, stand up for, justify, protect, side with and fight for the narcissist....
This is the dynamic duo of my parents. My mom is the raging narcissist and my dad was the silent/invisible enabler when she would go off!
Thank you, Jerry, for your continued information and support!🙏🏽
The enabler is not a victim, they are the abusers who put the childs on platters to be served to the one with the knives.
Wow. Opened by eyes. My Mom was an enabler. The narcissistic abuse she took from my Dad, and then my brother, made her not want to take care of herself. This explains so much!
LOVE this topic! The mother allowed the stepfather to get away with whatever he wanted. She allowed it to happen and never, ever stopped it from happening. If anything, she made excuse after excuse after excuse as to why the narcissist was allowed to what they did… to innocent children who never deserved abuse.
Thank you very much for touching on this subject. It’s a difficult concept to wrap your head around, why someone would allow abuse to happen and continue.
I feel like the excuses or ignoring the behavior was just a way to keep the person my *mother* wanted to have a relationship with, no matter the coat to me.
@@darcymoon2109 Bingo! My therapist validated last week that the mother allowed such things to happen because she wanted to be with the man, she chose “him” over her own children.
My father once stated that he married my mother to save her.
Her personna was that of a "sick" needy person.
As her oldest daughter I was her "caregiver" ....starting at a very young age.
Her idea of a career that I should go into was nurse!
She passed away this year at the age of 93.
All I felt was relief.
My dad knew my mom was mean to me because she was mean to him, too. But she hid her true self. My dad and I were the only ones who knew how she was. I'm so thankful for my grandmother because her love and devotion counteracted all the negative things of my mom.
The only other adult in the house and she wants to pretend everything is perfect, and if I complain I'm the problem. I was such a sweet kid and made out to be a problem, while my dad bullied me all the time. Then she wonders why we aren't close. I wish I didn't have to carry around the burden of this. Thank you for trying to help us.
They defend/ ignore the abusive parent they are weak.
Yes. My narc mother called my father "weak". She was right. That could be why she picked him in the first place. Easy to dominate.
My enabling parent came from an abusive, alcoholic parentage. They were in foster care for eight years. I empathize with their plight and etiology of pathology.
To this day whenever i ask my mom why didnt she divorce my dad. he was toxic as hell and rocked the family with his tantrums each and every single day. her single response women get treated like shit always so just learn to bear with it.
whenever i asked my mum that why are you with him even after he physically harasses her, she said dont be a ungrateful brat and respect your father. and to think i stepped in so many times to protect my mother who was a victim in my mind from the very beginning. she chose the narcissist over herself and us.
My father, that I adore, passed way 2 yrs ago. I don’t blame him much because he had to listen to mom’s nagging and guilt tripping if he defended me. He was mostly aware of my treatment, but he worked and even growing up, her monstrous behavior towards me, was always done behind his back. Once, we finally had time alone and I told him. I guess he went after her, and all I know is, she came to me (I was 30, married and had kids) saying I wasn’t going to ruin her marriage 😳 It wasn’t about her, but she twists everything to make things about her. It’s frustrating! I wish it were my father that was still here. I adore him regardless, I just understood the hell he had to deal with on the regular.
I tried taking all that into account with my mother till I realised how she was quite able to be anything she needed to be to the outside world ❤
You got the enabling parent to a tee.
My dad watched mother abuse us like he was.part of the wall. He was in total denial and feckless.
"Sometime you have two narcissistic parents and one's more of an enabled and the other is more malignant". It was my Dad who was obviously abusive in childhood, and my mum who was always in control, which was not obvious to me as a child. It took me 3 years to figure this out in my mid-40s! In my case it makes most sense to me seen through the lens of enmeshment, which is also the historic paradigm between my Mum and I.