How to Stop Beating Yourself Up - Self-Compassion and Self-Esteem - The Friend Advice Technique
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 มิ.ย. 2024
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Today we’re going to talk about beating yourself up. Whether you made a stupid mistake, you lost your cool with someone you care about or you’re just a perfectionist with imposter syndrome - It’s easy to get sucked into the toilet hole of beating yourself up.
And then you do this ridiculous thing which I’m going to call the “The Self-Exemption-Bias” which keeps you trapped in the cycle.
Being too hard on yourself decreases your confidence and your sense of self-esteem and self-worth.
But the good news is that you can learn to stop beating yourself up, improve your self-esteem and learn to feel self-compassion and love.
Most of you are highly sensitive people, you internalize things, you’d never treat another person the way you’re treating yourself. This is what I call the self-exemption-bias where for some ridiculous reason, you believe that you’re the exception to this whole-kindness thing. That everyone else out there deserves gentle understanding, second chances, and a listening ear, but you’re the only person in the entire population of 8 billion people who deserves to be treated like crap. You really value it when your friend opens up about their struggles, but if you share then you spend the next day beating yourself up for oversharing.
0:00 Introduction
0:35 Beating Yourself Up
1:51 How the Self-Exemption Bias Leads to Beating Yourself Up
2:52 How to Practice Self-Compassion
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Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.
And deeper than all of that, the Gospel of Jesus Christ orients my personal worldview and sense of security, peace, hope, and love www.churchofjesuschrist.org/c...
If you are in crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or your local emergency services.
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No joke, I literally just thought to myself "why can I only criticize myself, and not praise myself for things I'm doing well" and this video popped up. Perfect timing!
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looool! serendipity :D
lol same. figured out that it’s because i was never given praise, positive affirmations, and love as a child from my parents 🙃
@@taariqq stay strong 💪
0 ok 9
You were able to say "Emma, you are worthy of love" without choking up and fighting off tears. I'm doing that just THINKING about putting my name in there.
Probably doing it over and over everytime something goes wrong makes it easier
“We’re all just pretending the back of our hospital gowns aren’t flying open”🤣 yes! Love it!
Double that yes! I'm thinking a t-shirt is in order here!
Triple it!!! 🤣 definitely deserves a t-shirt!
Can you do one on how to cope when people hurt us or anger us please? It's hard not to ruminate over it and obsess. That would be so helpful. Thanks for all this great content.😊
I guess this would be related to control. We can't control what happens. All we can control is our reaction to it. I know that's pretty cliched. I guess Emma would probably suggest creating mental space, naming our emotion, questioning it, and looking for secondary emotions that are influencing our response. We might have expectations of others that are unreasonable, or we are making presumptions that we haven't communicated. In other words perhaps the boundaries are/were unclear for that other person, and we just presumed they know how we really feel. Perhaps they are going through something they haven't told us. And think about our values and what kind of relationships we want to have and how we can work towards that. And then write things down, rather than just talking to ourselves in our head. I don't know if that makes sense, it's just my suggestion based on the advice I've seen on this channel, as I've interpreted it. There are videos on rumination and emotions response, but maybe that's not exactly what you're asking.
@@Ruylopez778 That's is exactly what Emma will suggest. Coping is not a long lasting alternative. Going thru the process of managing emotions bring alternatives that will help us understand and create an emotional muscle to feel and act better. Hope you find this helpful.
Love this idea. I fight the rumination trap like non other and she always has the best info!
You should know why you were hurt. I mean, what part or parts of you were hurt, since there could be a few causes not just one. For example, you lost your job and ruminating on this, you feel angry, you feel as a looser or fool, etc. Maybe somebody lied about you to superiors (which may be true), or you didn't worked hard enough (could be true) or maybe you had a bad luck (it happens too). No matter what cause on the outside - you should look inside and think what caused this huge pain. Is it greed, ambition, self-esteem? And be honest with yourself as much as possible. The less honest you are, more and for longer you will suffer. In fact, some people are so badly hurt they remembers and ruminates about certain things for decades for false reasons they think are true. And here is a problem. Many people who suffers from lost job will not tell it's their ambitions, greed, love for coasting and easy life were hurt. No, they will blame economic crisis, war, inflation, politicians, co-workers, managers, UFO - if there are a small chance of blaming something other than themselves they will take it. Even if person understands reason of his suffering lies inside he likely will not be able to correctly identify it. People usually suffers from reasons they don't like about themselves and tries, consciously or not, not name them. Then there is a big task - even if reason is clear, what person can do? This task sometimes could be so huge person tends to ruminate instead of dealing with it. And in some cases they hardly have a choice. For example, there was a young driver who killed his girlfriend by hitting a truck on a roadside. It was likely not his fault 100% since a truck was left blocking part of a road. Young driver took his own life two days later, likely cos he couldn't bear his guilt, not because feared a prison time and repays to victim's family.
Back to a question. Of course, taking anti-depressants and forgetting are ways let you cope with but not fix a problem. The true thing which helps is changing yourself and, as have mentioned, for many people this task seems to be insurmountable. That's why certain people chooses gambling and theft instead of a job to make money. And ruminating is much easier thing to do instead of changing your personality. Also, everyone can ruminate alone. To change personality you need others and, as a rule, obsessive people are not social at all. Likely the easiest way is compacting your personality. Choose only 2-3 persons, 2-3 interests and 2-3 goals in your life. Let those persons be simple (typically younger family members), interests not anything special (such as knowing a lot about The Moon) and goals not too hard to achieve (such as growing your own strawberries for the first time). Remove everything else. Keep a good relationship with these persons, become an expert in these interest fields, achieve these goals. Once you have finished start expanding your relationships, interests and goals. By that time you exactly will know what is important to you, what do you want to do with yourself, what you can do for others and others can do for you. You will know what exactly you expect from new relationships, what tasks you can take and is any new goal achievable. In severe situation it may take two years to recover. Obsessive thoughts may still be there though. You laugh at when they resurface. This approach also works when you doesn't know what caused rumination. If you think you know a cause - simply do an opposite thing. If you suffer of a greed - do a six month unpaid job for local communities. If you have overly narcissistic feelings about yourself - find a small, fat girl with glasses and spend your free time with her for six months. But, as I have mentioned, knowing a real cause is unlikely. Searching for it is like digging into rabbit's hole, you may find things you don't like and never wanted to know in a first place.
you wouldnt get hurt if you were in peace with yourself, everything external is just there to start a reaction
As children we can’t rationalize so we have to come up with an explanation for why we feel unloved or unwanted. The two most common “survival explanations” are blame and shame. Blame...(there is something very wrong with everyone else) Shame (there’s something very wrong with me) We repeat this explanation over and over so many times, it becomes a conditioned response whenever anything goes wrong. Solution.....1) journal every evening what shame feelings popped up over the day. 2)begin to challenge those thoughts. You will feel a difference after only a couple of weeks!
Thanx
I really need a video about dealing with comparisons with friends and jealousy over what others have and do. I get worried about my future and how fast time goes and I still won’t be successful.
I still think about my past EVERYDAY what went wrong and what I could have done over and over. I also wait for the “perfect” time to get started back in my career but not sure i do it because of redemption or money. The list goes on
Get those thoughts on paper! It helps so much to get our whirlwind of thoughts into some kind of structure by writing them down, start with your "problem", then write a bunch of solutions, and slowly work through each. It may take weeks or months or years to do this, and your original "problem" may start branching out into many sub-problems that now need to be confronted, but it's better than the constant loop of ruminating thoughts that gets us nowhere.
Related video of hers: th-cam.com/video/Q0guTERGPK0/w-d-xo.html
I think many people are trapped in this thinking, especially with social media being such a big part of our world today. I guess from the buddhist perspective, we need to focus more and present and gratitude. Often people trick themselves into thinking that they will be 'happy' or 'satisfied' once they meet a particular future goal. But in reality, we know this logic doesn't work. If we apply it to a previous goal we had that we've achieved; the satisfaction was short lived and replaced with another goal. Of course, there's nothing wrong with having goals, but it's our mindset about how satisfied we are going to be that is flawed. I think a big part of this channel is 'acting in accordance with our values'. So perhaps the best first step is to define what those values are, write them down on paper, and then try to act in accordance with them, knowing that there will always be setbacks along the way. You could define what 'success' is to you, on paper, and then think about what small steps you can take towards that in combination with your values. I certainly think the 'gratitude' aspect will help a lot. Emma has videos on that, I think.
i have this concern too! it feels like I'm trapped in regrets of what I've done and what path I've chose. I am really worried about my future and constantly feeling not enough to apply for anything, like a job or continue to get my master degree? what do i really have to pursue?
Im currently waiting for the "perfect" time and moment to restart my choice and consciously taking action but when the information and deadline comes, i feel overwhelmed and anxious the point that i cant think of anything but run, like paralyzed by fear or something. I hope i can get through this, because i feel like the clock is ticking and my parents are demanding my answer:(
I also love a Matthew McConoughey(sp?) motivational video titled something like “[This is why you’re not happy”. It preaches the same thing-but with some specific encouragement for overcoming external ~addictions and strengthening your own internal voice for following your values.
I left a cult. Was a Christian from pre-teens through my 20's. The Bible beats into your head that you're a wretch that deserves hell. Yes, it says God forgives you, but it's sets you up to take on all the responsibility you can and let's you know that you are the cause of your failures.
My personality is one of constant rumination and even though I'm not a Christian anymore I still have a massive habit of self criticism and neglecting my own needs to help others. I feel guilty for even taking a few hours for myself.
God has issues.
I definitely feel my core content is "I'm broken and need fixing" because of RTS
Jesus is loving and merciful! He is the only one that will set you free from your bondage and does not remember your failures 🙏
I feel you. I’ve been an atheist since 2016 and I haven’t been perfect or without self-hating and self-harm by any means, but I’ve definitely been happier and I’ve had a happier and healthier outlook since then. 😊❤
@@beverlykotobalavu7192yet he keeps track of all your sins and says once he throw yous into hell that he never knew you even tho he did. That makes no sense.
This should get a standing ovation and I'm here giving you one❤ This is what we all need to remember.
I tell myself this often. I would never speak to a friend, or even a stranger, the way I speak to myself. Negative self talk is truly destructive. I'm nearly 60, have done lots of therapy, and I'm still working on this.
A big part of loving yourself is accepting your flaws. It’s very easy to beat yourself up when things go wrong.. but to learn from your mistakes & keep moving on, that takes COURAGE & I believe everyone is capable of this.
I'm literally going through this right now. I can't snap myself out of the negative loop. Part of me wants to ask for help. Part of me wants to push away anyone who would actually care or pretend to care about me. I'm not worth anyone's time or effort.
Hey, I'm just a stranger, but you were worth my time and effort to make sure to send you a message while I was scrolling through the comments. People care about you, even when from your point of view there isn't any reason to. I promise. Don't believe me? Prove it and ask them.
I feel this way too, but we have to believe that we are worthy of help and love.
Many call other's losers, it artificially raises there ego's.
In growing narcissism, even a kindergarten teacher can spot the red flags.
Our spleen is the organ of compassion. Have it for self first, just like love, you can't give from an empty cup. No one is perfect.
I hate it when people call people losers.
One sentence
You are an amazing therapist.
My paid therapist never told me this.
You are one main reason why I still able to cope bc of your free videos. I always wanted to go in therapy but I cannot afford it. Sometimes I just cry, I'm over feeling that way again and again. Thank you for making these videos and making mental health, free and accessible
You are so awesome. I cried just hearing you talk so warmly and compassionately to yourself. I’ve always been extremely hard on myself (while being much more compassionate toward other people), but recently I started incorporating positive self-talk into my meditation practice. Before I meditate, I hug myself for probably about 30 seconds and speak to myself just like a loving mother would, reassuring myself that I’m a good person and I’m doing the best I can. I actually say the words out loud. It sounds like a weird thing to do, but it actually does make me feel loved. I feel like that positive voice is finally starting to get ingrained in my mind.
This was from heaven. I just lost my temper yesterday and was literally yelling at my spouse because he wouldnt listen to me and repaired the wrong thing and made our living situation stressful and worse. Prayer works. My pastor prayed and the landlord finally sent a plummer to access our situation. No water for two days no normal toliet accessability no way to shower etc./ I was at the breaking point and just kept yelling. Your wonderful advice is just what I need to hear, thank you.
stuck in an emotionally abusive home,( stuck means impossible to leave) low self-esteem and chronic stress is a reality that no amount of self-compassion can fix. when friends have abandoned you and others call me useless and unlovable and idiot all day long for 3 years now( currently stuck here with cancer ,dealing with healing) and not beating myself up doesnt help in this condition. i'm terrified to return to my work( show buiz) as any tiny bit of rejection now will push me to the edge. and no, therapy doesnt work, cos therapists in my country are indifferent.
Growing up with parents who expected their kids to be “the star”, I find myself still beating myself up despite having achieved much in my career. And they still don’t stop expecting I would get married and give them grandkids. At times I just feel like it’s so difficult feeling happy. This talk is really a breath of fresh air which I’m trying to get in order to feel whole again. Thank you
I’m at home with 3 kids under 6 with a sick 5 months old baby.
You just described me.
Wow, small revelation. I beat the crap out of myself every day. My own worst enemy for what I don't think I'm good enough for or never will be. Now I need to start writing :) Thank you so much for this. This will do until I start Tae Kwon Do :) And maybe continue then :)
Thank you. I'm writing a letter to myself now, and I asked my husband to remind me to read it next week. Also - my husband says your hair looks nice.
Ok, for the last 2 years I have been in basic panic mode 24/7 to the point I have locked my back up. MRI shows no major issue. I just connected the dots that this is psychosomatic.
Long story short, I had to say put my dog down 2 months ago. My entire day/life revolved around taking care of him (diabetic, went blind). As an anxious person I just became in more and more pain, in a literal constant panic I would lose him.
Well, thats exactly what happened.
I'm stuck in grief and panic.
I dont know how to tell my brain/body it can relax now.
Please help.
That is very correct. I live in Boston and I am tired of hearing about all the bad news. Whether it is in this state, country or everywhere else in the world!
Love yourself. Love! Key to a happy life!
True no point hating yourself you spend alot of time with yourself.
It is absolutely ridiculously hard to raise kids. Ours are grown now. To quote Richard Harris in the Gladiator, “your faults as a son are my failures as a father.”
Thank you for what you do.
This is really helpful! At the beginning of this year, I wrote two letters to myself. One was to 2022 me and one was to 2024 me. The letter to my past self was to let go of some things and the letter to my future self was to encourage and to think about what I can do now that would make my future self feel secure.
Why is TH-cam calling me out like this. The algorithm has gone too far!
This type of thing even leads me to self injury (physically beating myself) and even telling myself that I should be dead. This is a major struggle for me. Glad I watched this video.
same here
🥺
Dear Emma, i live in turkey where has been impacted by huge earthquakes currently, I live far from that area but as a nation it is traumatic for us right now, I would like to learn more about handling these negative feelings on such bigger issues, thanx for what you have done here 🙏
Yelling at my kids is the thing I beat myself up for the most, and it's usually the result of me being stressed/tired/running out of time, it happened yesterday after doing the grocery shopping, and I struggled to get to sleep for and hour and a half after weeks of being able to fall asleep well. But today is another day, and I'm going to try better, because that's what we all deserve. Thanks for your example, it's nice to know I'm not alone!
I have attempted to meditate many times in my life and prior to this CD the only success I've experienced is with live guided meditation. th-cam.com/users/postUgkxzpa8CIfZcihW4Z0F_ja0QF3W9KIatrsq This is the first CD I've used that cuts through my unmedicated ADHD and enables me to truly relax and experience a quiet and energizing interval. The instructors voice is very soothing and pleasant to listen to. I am easily able to sit successfully through the entire CD, and for quite some time after. I cannot adequately express how tremendously helpful this CD has been on my spiritual journey!! Two thumbs up and 10 stars!
I’m terrified of becoming or being seen as self-centered, so I focus on being perfect and overly kind towards others and neglect myself to maintain forced humbleness.
Whenever I feel down and scared I search your videos to help me cope up with what Im feeling and your videos really helped me a lot.
People who are suffering from postpartum depression need to see this video. I felt like a terrible mother and CPS was going to kick my door down and take my new baby because I told myself that I didn't deserve him. I would never say those things to another woman.
I'm in immigration and I have to deal with so many things at the same time, but the worst thing is that no matter how much I do, it still feels like I don't do enough. There's so much unnecessary gatekeeping in this new country, so a lot of time gets wasted just to do one step forward. I beat myself up for wasting money and not working, even though there's no way to physically put work into my schedule. Your videos, especially this one, help me relieve stress and look realistically at what is going on. Thank you so much! In the end of the day, I'm doing something that no one I know has done and I believe it's gonna lead me and my family to a better future
I moved countries 23 years ago and was pregnant with my first child. Had no money , home, car and 2 weeks grace to stay with a friend while getting this all sorted. Raised 3 kids working full time from the time they were tiny babies, bought a small home, fought and struggled and pushed our way through.
You will succeed if you keep at it. All the best
@@noremac4807 Thank you. Your story is inspiring 🫶
My therapist always taught me to think of others and not myself as to avoid narcissistic tendencies. To remind myself that the self isn’t as important as the group.
Thank you for advertising about the merchandise for helping others afford support for mental wellness.
I just started a new job and the imposter syndrome is unreal. Watching this on my lunchbreak and hoping to not be crying when my colleagues come back in a few minutes.
Being a mother and trying to model a healthy and positive person for my daughters to look up to just leads me to pretend than I’m ok and put my emotions away.
This has helped me so much! 2 Years my mom develop primary lateral sclerosis and I'm her primary caretaker along with my dad. While still trying to maintain a job as social life and of course take care of my mental. I realize how much on my plate I have and it's okay but sometimes I can't do it all. Thank you ❤️
Ya know, I'm just gonna say this off the top of my heart~ To not know Emma anymore than any other stranger, she sure seems like an incredible friend, maybe even the kind I need more than I want at times, if that makes sense. It does to me. i think it does to a lot of you out there too.
I can never say thank you enough for this video. 😎👍
Thank you! My wife has been working really hard being a stay at home mom for our first child, and she is constantly being too hard on herself. Hopefully this can help her as well.
The weird thing I notice is that when a period of time goes by that I struggled in, I feel like when I’m in the next moment that time that went by wasn’t anything compared to now. And I “miss” that time in the past. Like I can forget all the struggles from it when I’m in the next struggle. A weird yearning for a made up nostalgic experience.
Letter to you: dearest Emma, we love you for being the best version you can be right now. We love your vulnerability and your help to yourself that you kindly extend to us all. Forgiving ourselves helps us to give ourselves the opportunity to heal and do better next time. We love you, Emma, for getting back on your feet each time, and for bringing us along. We love you. Emma. Love from Marja Merryflower
So true and I’m definitely highly sensitive. 🙏🏾
This is really true. I try this when I make mistakes, my therapist taught it to me. And it really does ease the self judgement and helps me make better choices going forward.
All real and close relationships get a little bit messy. Don't berate yourself everytime you mess up. Treat yourself as you would treat another person, with compassion.
As a mother of 4, 8 and under, I felt so seen!
I soooo needed this!!! ❤ 🙏 😁
Wrote a letter to myself. Was so helpful. Thank you!
Thank you for this. It’s so true!
Thank you so, so, much for this ♥️
this really helped me...thank you!
Thank you for this 🥰
Thank you. I really needed this today.
APPRECIATE ALL YOUR WORK
Thank you for the advice!
Thank You! Dr. Emma. You are a blessing and a breath of a fresh start.
It's difficult to release past trauma's of fear, blame, guilt and shame of ourselves first then others. 💚 Thank You again for these videos they're very helpful.
I have been beating myself up for two days about an honest mistake. A person kindly asked me not to do something but I was so embarrassed that I did it in the first place. But this video actually made me feel better. 💚 Thank you!
this made me feel so so much better - thank you so much!
This is such a great video.Thank you!!!
This is incredibly helpful. Thank you.
I really needed this today ❤️ thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️
So needed and perfectly timed. Thank you! ❤️
This woman is an angel from heaven. Her anxiety videos have bailed me out of many panic attacks.
God Bless you for the work that you do, anyway for a one time donation @Therapy in a Nutshell?
Need this one. Also I like your shirt.
So grateful for your videos. ❤
Really need this, thanks❤
Truly wonderful video. Thank you
Would love more on this topic ❤
Thank you Emma, you are such a blessing!!
This blowed me, thank you for the video
Thank you for being vulnerable with us here. I needed this today.
I loved this episode a lot. Thank you for helping people
I love how honest you are. ❤
Amen, love this! Thanks therapist ❤❤
Great advice! I’ll give it a try. TY
You are an awesome therapist. Thanks for these video’s.
why do all your videos make me cry! these have been very helpful, thank you!
This channel is a godsend for people too busy for therapy
We love you Emma, awesome advice, definitely trying next time this situation happens.
You are so sweet! Thanks for all your videos.
This video was amazing timing not only do I struggle with this but my best friend/ roommate also does. Most of our conflict comes from one person doing something super insignificant than getting caught in the self criticism cycle and completely shutting down and getting self destructive.
I've heard the saying about learning to be your own best friend and didn't understand it till now. That was cute Emma writing her letter. You are doing good. Thanks for this video. 🙂
Man, I LOVE the advice about the letter! That’s wonderful for real!! ;)
I love your open and honest interpretations, really hits home. Thanks for clearing things up. 👍👍
Thank you so much for actually putting this into practice for us- so helpful. Thank you ! 💓
This is a hard one because it would require, at least for me, to believe that I do not deserve to beat myself up. An that is a lot of my problem, I just do not believe that i do not deserve anything good in my life. And the proof is in how many times I keep trying to make my life better, and fail, over and over and over.
Thank you Emma. You've come a long way, i was when u have few subscribers and now u have 1.2M. 😭
I love this content ❤️ very helpful and super therapeutic ❤️ lots of love
I love that every video you have how to deal with those things as a guide
Just wanted to say thank you so much for this letter idea, I sat down tonight and wrote out a letter as recommended and it really truly helped... Thanks so much for your content and the compassion that you bring to the table for all of us....
I just found your channel and am so glad I did! I love your direct, simple style that hits the point!
Well said 🙏🏾
I gotta commend you! I have been to so many therapists and so much self help stuff but YOU are the best therapist I've never paid for!! Thank you for being such a great actual person! Your info means so much to me and I send you to everyone I know!!! 💗
A fantastic video and an incredibly important topic. I'll be playing it over and over and hopefully one day it will sink in. Thank you!!
I really needed to hear this today. Saving this video for the next time I get in this self bullying cycle
Appreciate your explanation, what a lovely technique! 👋
So good! Great bite sized bit of info that was like a meal! Awsome! Thank you!
BEST 7 minutes of my day girl!!! 😂🎉🎉🎉🎉