You are right. That’s the big problem with the victim, we try to understand the narcissist, we waist energy and time.First of all, we have to understand ourselves, the rest is not our problem
That is why I asked if she meant physical space or mental. I watch dance videos and performances but I no longer am a professional dancer.@@muhammadsteinberg
I would add to this list a few other reasons for a narc’s verbiage: to shame, mock, guilt trip, humiliate, hurt, gaslight, dismiss, spew contempt, deny, contradict, distort, or insult.
@@jared8038 yeah. Centre of attention so for anyone else that would mean empathy at its highest level. But they can't tell the difference because they can't compare with something they don't have, there is only blindness of survival.
Dad would accuse me of what his mideeds were. He nitpicks and pretends to care. It is a monologue: his needs and wants, time, matter, only. One-way trip to hell.
This is why a narcissist will often say, "what does that mean?" Because everything they say is in code. It means something else so they think everyone talks that way. They have a goal every time they open their mouth. Listen and you'll see
My dad is a narcissist and its best to just keep things very basic, I know now why my great grandmother used to say, " least said, is best done", yep, good advise with a narcissist. My silence is deafening, because I am NOT a supply anymore.
Learn from this, these videos. If you CAN'T leave, you CAN learn how to live with this, yet, still be happy and be yourself. Remember, THEY are the ones suffering if they realise they can't overrule or manipulate you any longer.
Yes and as my mom gets older and needs more help, taken to more doctors etc, he gets angry at me. I can’t keep up with his demands (household) and her 100%. She is my priority right now, she is getting weaker etc. it seems he gets jealous of the attention going to her. I am a people pleaser so it’s very emotionally exhausting. I’m not going to abandon my mom!
This happened to me a week ago! A guy in a bar started talking to me. He had been staring at me for a while. He is a musician and talked about music for 15 minutes straight (a MONOLOGUE), then I told him that he was a "mine" of information and that I could listen to him for hours (I was IN AWE!!!). He told me that he could speak for hours. The interesting thing is that I was asking him questions at the beginning but, after a few minutes, I started to forget what I wanted to say. My mind went completely blank. Then he told me that he wanted to play with the other musicians in the bar and left. It was at that moment when I understood what had just happened. I felt confused at first and then stupid. He wanted SUPPLY and oh boy did he have it! Thank you Sam Vaknin for this channel. I'm learning, still making mistakes, but I'm getting faster at spotting the narcs' dynamics. This time it took me 20 minutes instead of 10 years! Not that bad!
Sounds like an utter bore to me. Should have said "don't you think you could allow an amount of interchange with me rather than forcing me to nod my head and provide nothing to this conversation?"
That could just be a lonely person cope. Someone with anxieties. We're labeling people narcs with a small sample size. The person has insecurities for sure. Nobody is required to sign up for dealing with that in another person.
I thought you'd be better off experiencing narcissism first hand but this isn't enough of a sign to brand anyone as a narcissist. Beware of becoming the person you hate the most.
Me too about my “ma”. She set out to destroy my self existence and pretty much succeeded. It started when she accidentally got pregnant and abortion was illegal. She said to me she wished she hung herself when she was pregnant with me. I was a constant annoyance in her life. She is a textbook narcissist and I just found out at 53. Thanks to these videos. Then I unknowingly married one. I’m so broken…
It took ma a good 15 years to realise exactly WHAT I'm dealing with. That's when I began to study a Narcissist and learnt how to live with it if you have to.
Omg the stories !!! Never asking questions, only assumptions as truth, correcting everything, even when I express MY emotions he corrects me!! I’m just starting to recover, the last 5 yrs has taken a toll on my health😢
I ended up in the hospital after my pseudo-relationship ended, a mass of stress and betrayed emotions. I developed acid reflux so severe that as I was sleeping one night, I ended up inhaling my own stomach acid and my lungs shut down and I almost suffocated. I thought I was going to die that night - all from a toxic relationship full of lies. Your health is your most important asset and NO ONE is worth that.
I had a narcissist who was bothering me. My friend had just one word. One response. One question. Why? Under a barrage of why's, the narcissist crumpled and folded like the paper people they really are.
This is brilliant. I might try it if I ever run into my ex narc. But the ideal situation would be to never see him again. Four months total no contact so far.
@@musicfundiMy Narc Mom tried to start an argument with me about something stupid, I just kept saying "Why are you arguing with me", after saying that 3 times she stopped talking after getting frustrated and just said "Whatever" before changing the subject and acting like nothing happened. She acts like such a spoiled little child. It's shameful.
I remember a man who worked on a horse ranch. The boss was a malignant narcissist who mercilessly beat the horses, as well as engaging in underhanded tactics with his workers. When a wild horse was brought in for breaking, the boss beat on it and tortured it for non-compliance. One day the man I'm mentioning was alone with the boss, watching as he got into an enclosure with the wild horse. It reared up and struck the boss down. The boss looked at the man in question, pleading for him to help, but the man just sat there on the fence, watching as the horse killed the boss. The point of my story is that narcissists are inherently unintelligent people. If the boss had been smart, he would've gained the empathy of his workers instead of alienating them, something that would've saved his life.
You have a good point about narcissists being dumb. I have several in my family. They have made stupid decisions about basic things in life that came back to bite them in the butt.
In the depths of the worst of it, I wrote in my journal “Your words seep like poison into my bones”. I couldn’t understand why someone who claims to love, would speak to me at times with such utter contempt. I am grateful for your videos that help make me some sense of the crazy-making nonsense. It’s very, very difficult in the midst of it and trying to survive- like being in the fog of war.
Amazing, not so? One minute they're all over you, covering you with love and respect, yet a few hours late it can be the exact opposite. God gave me strength to deal with it and to take the best out of it and simply dismiss the bad. Like Prof said : Ignore them! Their words means nothing if you don't react to it. Slowly, slowly he will realise he's not getting the results anymore . It's difficult sometimes, but worth the hard work you'll put in to try and understand HOW to live with it. That's if (number 1) you CAN'T leave.
THIS IS PURE GOLD! I couldn’t imagine a more succinct explanation of why the narc-psychopath ever speaks. Period! It’s NEVER about the said communication itself, but rather WHY the communication. Every single word is for the purpose of manipulation to benefit their ultimate goal in that moment. And their ongoing goals have no end. Thank you for putting this out there Prof. Sam Vaknin. This deserves a Nobel Prize 👏👏👏👏
WoW. Thank you all for sharing here. Before, it was years ago, I didn't know about narcissist, I just know he needs help, I told my children's father to go to therapy, he refused , said seeing psychologist or psychiatrist is for crazy people. If we did seek therapist Who didn't know narcissist , it must be worsen hell. Thanks God. From TH-cam, we knew and learnt a lot. Thanks Dr. Sam.
Wow! This is exactly what I thought after counselling with my ex wife narc.. the therapist did NOTHING of value to assist.. like she didnt pick up on anything happening.
My ex-husband Narcissist kept asking me if I had my taxes done, and kept saying "A girl I know works at your accountant's office now" then I asked myself why he keeps asking me and telling me that! He was planning to get my tax return leaked to him! He's cheating on his new wife/source! He is like a caged gorilla now!!! I was literally scared to death, after many years of divorce. Last week was a wake-up call: They NEVER change!!!
He didn't think I would figure it out and stop him! When I did, he went NUTS! Plus now he knows I can tell his wife about the "Girl" in the office! I won't, I don't care about his wife, she was one of his mistresses when we were married, so he's her problem. They really can play the long game...our children and I have suffered this abuse for 34 years.
Yes, dig deeper into the intent, what do they really want? Ignore the superficial mask/act they are giving you. Also pay attention to how they make you feel.
Usually they leave you feeling drained. That's why - after doing a lot of work post narc abuse ....you have to surround yourself ONLY with people who lift you up.
Spot on when it comes to my mother. I didn't think she had ever had a deep or intellectual conversation with anyone. And she makes things up to suit her about anything. I never had a real conversation her.
My mum is exactly the same. When she was working full time (she's mid-70s and retired now), she would regale her female colleagues with tall tales of where she went and what she did on the weekend (all made up). Sailing with a Texan oil millionaire she met at a posh pub was her favourite. These women ate it up whereas my sisters and I were shocked and incredulous that anyone could believe such nonsense. My mum isn't deep or intellectual. She has no hobbies or pastimes, no interests, no friends and no partner. She just sits at home and watches tv. We've seen her watch tv and it looks like she's in a trance. When she "comes to", we ask her what she was watching and it would always be so completely different from what she actually watched. Same with her recounting an actual even she witnessed. Between the eyes seeing, the brain processing and the mouth speaking, there would be a complete disconnect and it was astonishing the difference in reality to her recollection of it. She never wants to learn anything new. She doesn't want to go anywhere, especially if she has to pay for it herself. She's not interested in anything, really. Makes me wonder why she's even in this life. Her ability to connect with anything or anyone, including herself, is severely compromised and we are just counting the days until dementia starts taking a hold of her.
@@audrablue515My mother with sugar coats reality. It pisses me off because it is lying. She lives in LaLa land. That is what I call it. An entirely different reality from the rest of humanity.
The power dynamic in interpersonal relations is determined by the one who gives it away. Being weak in any given moment does not define any one or mean that person can never learn ways to handle it.
Feeling that you cannot leave the Narc? As long as they are not physically harming you, just try to dwell as long as you can, not allowing them to break you down. Conquer the evil with the good. I will assure you, they always overplay their hand and something will happen to bring you some peace. Just stay focused on getting through each day. Ofcourse you will have to find ways to cope, like being active with a support group, or a family member you trust to be able to help you stay strong while you work on making your exit. It won't happen overnight, but you will get to where you want to be in your life. They usually always self-destruct.
I am legit shocked and I am only 30 seconds in. My entire life I have been saying that I am not nearly as interested in what people say or do as I am interested in why they say or do it, what was/is their motivation. Nobody has ever ag agreed with me or even said they understood why I felt that way. You have just made me feel so much more understood and normal. I often feel like I have a different way of thinking or looking at life than others. Truly thank you.
@@TheWealthOfNationz That's pretty much true with all biosurvival learning... We learned that which we need to survive our everyday life.. The more challenges you got in life, the more you need to learn, teach thyself
I believe they are giving you their playbook in segments of how they truly feel and think. I also think it helps them relieve negative thoughts by doing it in a coded or covert way because they feel superior to their sources. My covert Narc wanted to gauge my level of sharpness and/or ability to see how fast I caught onto the comments from day 1 of the relationship to the end via how I responded. Ultimately, I believe it gives them sense of dominance over their source(s).
The crazy things they say in a positive or neutral tone is so confusing. I think he was testing mt boundaries too to see how I would take and what he could get away with. Only 6 months with him, but have been single for 8 years
Yeah she preferred when I was compliant and unaware of her bs. Her facial expressions were betraying her and i could spot the inconsistencies and incongrueties. She knew i was on to her.
Reasons: 1) impress you! convert you into their narcissistic supply / manage your image of them. 2) confabulation! Create versions of short stories which they don’t actually recall. 3) support grandiosity or shared fantasy of “perfect” sense of self! Speech that elevates them in hopes you believe it too. 4) manipulation! To get you to do their bidding, cater to them, provide for their wishes. WOW YOU DESCRIBED THE PERSON IN MIND PRECISELY! I’m shook!
I know several and it's impossible to have a balanced conversation. As soon as a gap in the conversation arrives and I speak, it's clear they are not listening. They are looking around and wanting to be the only one talking.
My covert narcissist friend will just not let me speak. Every time she pauses or finishes what she is saying I manage to get one word in if I’m lucky then she speaks right over me about HER subject or topic. I may as well just shut up and listen to a podcast while she just talks and talks and talks and talks. 5 hours later we say goodbye with out me having had an opportunity to just chat.
Exactly. A former friend would disengage the minute I started talking. They’d be scanning the room not listening at all. They’re wondering what image they’re portraying to anyone in the area including the person they’re with. That made so much sense.
That s called power play. He wants to see you suffer because thats his healing. Don t fall for his trap otherwise you will drown too. Seek helped and speak to people about it ❤ and of course NO contact!
I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you and anyone that has experience a Narcissist. The “trauma bond” is the worst. They are actually messing with chemicals in your brain. Hippocampus and Amygdala ( fight or flight). The trauma bond reminds me of a frog that is slowing being boiled. I remember becoming so exhausted, while the narc lived rent free in your head. I lost myself, I felt brainwashed. I stopped dreaming, the brain fog was off the charts, cold chills, blood pressure changed, startled so easily, irritable and telling myself that I want off this rollercoaster, but had this grandiose idea that I will try harder or I need a little more time to make a breakthrough to show the Narc love and consistency can change this person. I was wrong, it changed me for the worse. They select us because we are quality. Yet, they are facade/fake and they study us/you. At first I believe the Narc really likes the person. But, once you harm them by saying something wrong, you will become enemy number one and it only gets worse. You might not say anything wrong, yet they take it as if you were attacking them. You are quality and deserve so much better. It is hard because myself and others fell for what we thought was our perfect person only to realize this individual is a shell of grandiose ,self promoting, entitled individual that can’t be alone because they fear their own silence. My best suggestion if possible run and don’t look back or talk to a person who specializes in Narcissistic behavior, ect. My heart and prayers go out to you.
It took me years to realise this on my own. Once I had, it all became very obvious to me, I saw absolutely no purpose in letting her know that I now understood, or point out her true motives, as it always resulted in it being twisted by her to me being 'abusive' and her a victim. I grey rocked, and then told her straight, with no detailed explanation, that this relationship was over. She love bombed for a while but when that had no impact, and elicited no response, she was gone. Vanished.
my husband is going through the exact same thing right now, it's been a tough road to get here....I'm happy for your escape from the dark emotional cloud in your life
In our first few meetings he repeated back to me what I said. I dismissed it at first but it felt unnatural, mechanical & eerie so I remember googling why a person would mirror speech back like that…I suppose it was hypnosis/entrainment…the rest is a painful and eye opening history. Thanks to a lot of what I learned from Prof. Vaknin I walked away but it has been a long grieving process and I remind myself to just keep going.
Not saying he wasn’t narcissistic, but crisis management are also trained to repeat back because it signifies that you are being heard and that what you say matters. This could have just been part of the entrapment phase of lovebombing?
Yep, it’s because they have no originality. They steal pieces and traits they admire and think will work. But because they’re not the originals, it can’t be sustained and they scramble for more supply on how to look smart or normal.
Suddenly I understand in detail why I believe I am crazy. I understood to a point what is going on but now the explanation of these intricacies - I feel like I now have Hope to break Free. I have no words. Thank you for explaining this to me.
You can break free. I did . My self esteem and confidence was shit to the ground. I lost my spirit but once I learned about this I've gained so much control over myself. You can do it I promise you. They are weak beings who are terrified of people who fight back So fight for your right to love yourself and be yourself
“Good luck” are the most relevant words. It’s always dangerous to have an individual with high PD in your surrounding. On financial, personal or physical level.
Dr Vaknin, your knowledge and use of the English language is extraordinarily good especially given it is not your native language. I commend you on this and your content. It is absolutely correct in my opinion and experience with an extreme narcissist.
You are a genius…..that’s all you have to think when talking to them and give them as little information as possible and never show your annoyed no matter what triggers they pull!great advice and video 👍⭐️
You're a smart man. I just left a crack addicted narcissist man child. I'm in a shelter for abused women Day 3. Thank you for this content. It sure helped me
Fascinating! I just recently detected that my covert narc husband speaks to manipulate - to make me feel bad, feel less than, to goad me into an argument. I haven’t taken the bait in weeks, no physical intimacy in weeks (finally figured out he never genuinely loved me). I’m experiencing the silent treatment, and out of my earshot he’s mentioned divorce. Which is something to look forward to!
I have done this for as long as I can remember. This is second nature to me. All my life other people say that I'm being too nitpicky about every single little word that people say. I need to stop analyzing every single word people say. I knew I was right!
👉Can confirm this. My Narc father GENUINELY had no memory of the stories and lies he gave, it was a PTSD type response. Screwed up my reality compass for DECADES!
Narcissists never communicate only manipulate then praise for there own recognition if they still have control or not over you, push pull always becomes push to shove use and abuse
My sister in law looks for information to use to criticise us behind our backs so she can manipulate her position and how she looks to other family, friends and community! Are we getting a pool, who wanted the pool and who didn’t, what furniture are you buying and why, and on and on. Then will bad mouth me and when people meet me they come with that judgement. Quite horrible to me while no one is looking, like not answering me, ringing me to tell me what’s wrong with me, and then tells me I’m too sensitive… put up with it for about 18yrs…. We finally said no more, no contact … been together 27yrs now, she has just contacted our daughter loved bombed her had her up to stay asked her to move in with her and wants her to come on holidays…. We got a 2 hr visit at the end of daughters week long stay as if to say you don’t matter! We give up! 🤷🏼♀️ We didn’t react… acted like it didn’t bother us… what ever will be will be.. but it is like watching evil at work!
My father was a narcissist, my first husband was a sociopath. All I have to say is that I count myself so lucky because I know who I am, I am now a lot more astute and can get a "mental visual" on a lot of people straight away. If you come across anyone with narcissism or sociopathy, think of yourself and get away from them because they WILL try to use you. Run... I feel sorry for people with these mental issues, my father was physically abused as a child. My first husband had a very unusual upbringing and I think his sociopathy stemmed from nuture. It is sad to think that a lot of people go barging through their lives ignorant of who they really are and how much they mentally injure others. 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭
So very true. They really are sad people. My Narc also had a Narc Dad and he had a terrible childhood. That's why I tried to make excuses for home for 15 of our 30 years together..... Only because of studying the Narcs and learning how to cope with them, can I say that the last few years of the last 15 years brought me out on top!
My mother’s intention is always to dominate in one form or another. Monologues, talks over, interrupts as if you are not concentrating on something else and sits on her mighty throne with a spirit of entitlement to dictate, demand obedience or there is consequences, wants worship and complete and total devotion without question. Rules with an iron fist and thinks she’s a Canonized Saint.
my narcissist ex always tells me that I am a shameless child, I am uncontrollable and therefore everything is always my fault. and I was just tired of listening to him. I felt like he was trying to pierce my brain. at one time I was very scared when he synchronized with me and began to speak out loud my momentary thoughts
I've noticed this since I was a kid I never could understand why they could never come out and say what they wanted what they needed or what they meant it always was a manipulated conversation with some other support system
I recently learned this. They talk at you not to you. And more likely it’s half truths and or to suit them personally. Luckily we use a parenting app only and 99% of this crap o just plain ignore.
So timely! Thank you Dr. Banking. My narc just went on a full psycho event against me. I don’t live with him, so just left the room ( no point in escalating the situation) and haven’t spoken to him since. We’ve been seeing one another about a year and half, he’s looking for me to move in, how much money do I make, etc. Hasn’t worked yet, so I think that’s what it was about. Control, supply, manipulation, etc. Bye , bye!
Narcissists are simply not good. Some people are born with big faults. I have no shame in saying that my family members who are narcs simply aren't good people. You can't fix them and leaving is the best thing we can do for ourselves.
Thank you for this. Best advice concerning narcissism Ive heard. And it has truly helped the capacity for critical thinking in this regard instead of wondering WHY I am feeling this or that.
I need to listen to this several times. I know what I went through for over 40 years, but I couldn't put it into words. Im positive he was a psychopathic covert narcissist. .My faith saved my mind and self-esteem in spite of him, but Im still recovering from c-ptsd and physical issues. I'd have been long dead if not for God.....
In being left isolated by my 2 psychopath narc sisters, in clutching at the straws for human contact, I found an inverted narcissist to befriend. It's just, "repeat, repeat, repeat" how brilliantly she did a certain thing. It was like a cracked record. Also quoting from the bible. One wonders if there is anyone out there to actually receive a group of words and come up with an answer or a human response. I used to think my younger sister was drinking in my words so as to give me help, but, no, what she was doing was listening so as to build her outward persona/mask. It really is shocking how depraved these entities are.
Having moved back into my mom's after hitting rock bottom, I've truly seen what it's like living with this type of people. And one's own strength is fundamental to one's ability to cope. Optmistically, I now know why my life's been such a mess. Which in turn means that this deeper degree of understanding myself can be used to bettering my life. It's very important to understand one's own emotions and that they should not be bad in any sense. And if you're feeling bad and also feel confused as to why, you can be sure that the loss of clarity is signifying an underlaying neuroticism likely caused by a reawakening of trauma. With these tools one could possibly navigate oneself to a better place over time. By being mature enough to accept fate as it is, and realize that one's life can only become better by consistently making good decisions (at any rate that's the only thing within one's own power; luck helps). Realize you've been a victim but do not adopt a victim mentality. A person who isen't identifying themselves as a victim psychologically (despite realizing the factual nature of their past) can take the necessary steps to become someone who doesn't allow themselves to be victimized or masochistic. It's actually very simple, but as Jung once said: Simplicity is very difficult in real life.
Wow, the confabulation bit really struck me! It makes sense- the new narrative needs external validation because somewhere their psyches are unsure of what’s real, some part of them must vaguely remember the denial and the lies.. or at least is aware of gaps, so it needs back up, confirmation. Their memories are a piecemeal quilt stitched together with denial, truth and fantasy all mixed in! It’s so bonkers. Don’t expect rhyme or reason. It’s really sad to think of people so traumatised that they are living a permanently foggy, apparition-filled half real existence. It’s tragic, but they have to seek healing for themselves, you can’t do it for them. I really hope there are more therapists trained in helping people like this. The world needs to heal this.
Can you help us understand why a person who is not a narcissist experiences psychosis, their behaviors look just like NPD? They use DARVO, manipulation, blame-shifting, move goalposts, dehumanize, devalue, etc. I see a total personality shift for some people who experience psychosis, and they end up alienating and hurting everyone around them. One thing that is confounding is that people who have always been able to accept accountability and apologize if they made mistakes, who were genuinely very invested in being responsible and honest with themselves and others, are not able to accept any responsibility for their actions and impact on others when experiencing active psychosis.
Just a thought, I'm not an expert or anything, but could it be that they are in a more primal/instinct state? I think a lot of these behaviors come from paranoia and a sense of grandiosity. Like, there are people in psychosis who think they are Jesus come back and they see themselves as the savior of the world and everyone needs to listen to them. Maybe their brain is just trying to survive a mental crisis? In a way, it seems that narcissists are in a constant type of psychosis. When someone is in psychosis they lose their sense of self, become a false self (temporary mental crisis). Narcissists don't have a self; they have a false self. Maybe this is the connection? Also, it's interesting how addicts can become exactly like narcissists while actively using, but many that recover are the kindest, most honest, and responsible people you will ever meet. While at its worst, addiction can consume someone to the point they will do the worst things to get their substance, and then when high or drunk can be such terrible people to those they claim to love. All of these situations are really sad for everyone involved.
Hello professor, could you please make a video about narcissistic grandparents and how they treat their grandchildren? I have found very little information online about this topic and it’s mostly superficial things that don’t go into details.
One of the things I like to do when my brother is talking, is fall asleep🤣🤣. He startles me awake saying I’m interrupting him! And so I ask what did I snort because I fell asleep while you were having a full on conversation with yourself.
You are dead right! This is really helpful, so thank you. My wife really has no real emotions and it’s so boring! But goals are no problem to her. I can really see that now, so thank you
A very easy lesson to understand, but if your heart is involved, almost impossible to implement. The Cognitive Dissonance is very loud. You have to accept: 1). you are in Love with a robot that only simulates being human, and that (My perception completely failed me) 2). they don't know they are a robot. (I can't justify anger or passions) 3. your identity must solidify around being an individual (No more "US" with a robot) 4). Accept 1, 2, 3 while robot is actively manipulating you. (Intellect sorting signal from noise) With my Covert Narcissist the strongest clues that brought me to my tipping point was WHEN she did and did not act and speak. Recognition of her tactical TIMING triggered my logic circuits.
I've done a ton of research on narcs and this confabulation you speak of is the piece that has been missing for me to get my head around my mother-in-law. She lies when the truth will do, so she's just saying what she thinks will be the most believable. It isn't necessarily believable, but it can never be authentic. She has such a limited number of sentences in her vocabulary that for years I thought she was not a native speaker!
Sam you helped me many years ago to break free from inside a narcisists world. I had no idea such people existed and was so confused as to what I was doing wrong.
My adult son expects flattery from me. That is my role: I must always tell him how marvelous he is and I must always congratulate him. If I don't, he will punish me by not texting me for weeks, and criticizes me terribly, even though we've been living in separate countries for many years now.
Yes, they need to validate their delusional world view, often through getting the validation from others. A lot of my family is like this and unfortunately I was the youngest and had to suffer from this garbage, stunting my academic development I am sure. Luckily I am now gone and every time I see them, maybe once a year at most, I am pretty happy to leave them. Hell, I don't even wish my mom "happy mothers day" because she simply doesn't deserve it.
This is the most accurate video and I watched a lot about this topic in the past few month to understand what is happening. Thank you, this helps a lot.
Im into dance and music scenes of different types. I met the narcissist at one of them. I then introduced him to another scene which he completely molded himself to, buying a whole new wardrobe spending £100s on new shoes record's. All the while telling me he had been into this scene all his life ?? like he'd forgotten he hadn't dressed that way when i met him and he didn't have the record's or go to the events until i introduced him to it. I then started taking dance lessons with my son and started on another path of dancing and music ( rock n Roll) i did this without telling him because i didn't want fhe criticism. He found out what i was doing so i took him along to a dance with a live band. Then suddenly he completely changed his whole wardrobe again with in weeks he was dressing in a 50s style again he spent £100s on clothing shoes record's, and again telling me he'd always been into the 50s scene he even started taking dance lessons in his own area. He had absolutely no issue about lying to my face saying this is what he'd always been into, he even started looking at 50s style motor bikes and cars.
What is behind the "memory loss" issue? Is it documented or testable? I would like to hear more about what this experience could feel like to the narcissist. I've seen this confabulation happening in front of my eyes, to my amazement, but I attributed it to simply a strong propensity to lie. What was unusual to me was that the person lied or made up stories even when they didn't have to - when there was no threat, benefit or reason to. Almost like lying was a hobby, and they felt others were too stupid to notice (which was quite irritating, btw). What helped the narcissist who I knew "win" at her game, at least for a time, was that she was so utterly convinced of her lies that it left me bewildered - like, 'didn't she just tell me something else yesterday? Did I really hear what I just heard?' In my experience, narcissism is truly a profound mental illness and delusional to such an unanticipated extreme, that if you go with them too far down the rabbit hole, you also end up deeply mentally disturbed and questioning reality.
It's very fascinating how you deliver the information. Very appreciated. I remember 2 situations with my ex-girlfriend when I questioned why she was making some statements. I remember when she introduced her self to a new work group, she said her name following it by her ex-husband incidence to murder her in the past. Which made all the people in the room empathize. The other situation is similar, When she met with a higher status ( her words) person as a co worker, she introduced her self by saying her name following it by mentioning a letter she had received in the past from an organization that she were qualified for something. That was not relevant to the ( higher status) co worker. In our everyday conversations, she was either talking about some achievements she has done and how idiotic people around her who's cannot appreciate her. Or she is ( teaching) me something like a child ( how to walk the dog.... How to drive in tunnels.....) At the same time she was addicted to different kinds of drugs. When I confronted her she told me that it's her only way to handle anxiety before meetings at work, which was daily. She has a really bad memory, especially about people she has been dating in the past. But she could remember situations but not relating to people. She calls out other people's behavior in a robotic way. Like ( this person made this..... This is not good.... We don't do this things...) this can be something that normal person doesn't have to react to. Not that way at least
This is extremely important information, thank you, I really enjoy your videos. 🎉 This is why my 2 narc husbands each left me (one 22 years, the other 22 months) because I kept asking them about their motives. I didn’t realize that was the #1 no no for a narcissist. Happily for me, I’m an intensely curious person and like puzzles, so I was trying to “put together” what was happening so I good naturedly asked a lot of questions. 😂 It drove them crazy. I found out that the first man was not the worst of the worst because a couple years after the divorce, he actually apologized to me for how he treated me. The second one was worse than even our malignant mother. Off the charts horrible. Thanks to TH-cam and excellent videos like this, I’ve learned to understand this whole issue and also inform others. I’m so so grateful
Its like the copycat behaviors they try too become you its very invasive control and they hang around in the becoming a treacherous monster but ita lesson drom the blessings that i am grateful for.
This was the best video! I took a lot from it. It will really help me when my husband gets out of prison, when the time comes I have to deal with him again.
Narcissists don’t talk to you they talk at you
Talk to you and talk at you are the same thing. Try; they don’t talk with you, which means they would be open to your views and opinions.
@@Harvardfacebookyes. The word “ with” was on my mind
Narcs re-write history, huh?
The speech and communication could be communist propaganda
Or over you!
Why do Narcs talk?
For 4 weaponized reasons:
1) impress 2) invent a story 3) elevate themselves 4) manipulate
absolutely - they actually start to believe their own confabulations
ALL OF THE ABOVE And Sometimes all at the same TIME lol....watch out! every single word can be a trick
I would say 1. Impress others/elevate self 2. Manipulate/control 3. Revenge/Antagonism/Spite/Anger/Resentment 4. Protect/justify self 5. Sadistic pleasure/entertainment/humiliate/abase others.
To gain supply to spread gossip.lie
I totally agree. You've described my ex-husband.
Don't bother trying to figure out why they abuse you and Manipulate you. Just get the hell out! RUN AND HAVE A LIFE! A NORMAL LIFE!
A good life☀️🙏 t Best life 🎉
Yes!
You are right. That’s the big problem with the victim, we try to understand the narcissist, we waist energy and time.First of all, we have to understand ourselves, the rest is not our problem
A happy, drama free life 😊
Just no good if you have a boss like that.
The narcissist no longer occupies my space.
It's called divorce.
Yet you are here commenting after watching this video🧐 unless you meant physical space?
@melbaT2770 I no longer participate in track & and field, but I still watch it.
What's your point?
Me too! Divorce is Heaven! 🙌😂😂😂
Mine is going to be called retirement.
That is why I asked if she meant physical space or mental. I watch dance videos and performances but I no longer am a professional dancer.@@muhammadsteinberg
I would add to this list a few other reasons for a narc’s verbiage: to shame, mock, guilt trip, humiliate, hurt, gaslight, dismiss, spew contempt, deny, contradict, distort, or insult.
Boy oh boy you've nailed it now! It was hard work to work through this, but I came out on top of it!!!
One more: to bait/ start an argument.
@@liana2136 yes, absolutely that should be added to the list!
All these
@Kerri7021 thats a very extremely accurate list for sure.
They talk but never listen
@@jared8038 yeah. Centre of attention so for anyone else that would mean empathy at its highest level. But they can't tell the difference because they can't compare with something they don't have, there is only blindness of survival.
They're always trying to cover up their dishonesty.
Dad would accuse me of what his mideeds were. He nitpicks and pretends to care. It is a monologue: his needs and wants, time, matter, only. One-way trip to hell.
This is why a narcissist will often say, "what does that mean?" Because everything they say is in code. It means something else so they think everyone talks that way. They have a goal every time they open their mouth. Listen and you'll see
Hey! Don't talk shit about my mom!
My dad is a narcissist and its best to just keep things very basic, I know now why my great grandmother used to say, " least said, is best done", yep, good advise with a narcissist. My silence is deafening, because I am NOT a supply anymore.
Bro same with me keep things very basic
Exactly
For sure- turn off the tap and they go away
Definitely they talk at you!! My husband thinks I should fulfill all his expectations, but criticize everything I do every day.
Learn from this, these videos. If you CAN'T leave, you CAN learn how to live with this, yet, still be happy and be yourself. Remember, THEY are the ones suffering if they realise they can't overrule or manipulate you any longer.
Yes and as my mom gets older and needs more help, taken to more doctors etc, he gets angry at me. I can’t keep up with his demands (household) and her 100%. She is my priority right now, she is getting weaker etc. it seems he gets jealous of the attention going to her. I am a people pleaser so it’s very emotionally exhausting. I’m not going to abandon my mom!
They do nothing for you, hut TAKE!!!
This sounds like my boyfriend. 😢
Criticize ALL day, Errrday
imagine all the politicians and celebrities that are narcissists (maybe even 100%)
Definitely
Imagine? That is factual.
This happened to me a week ago! A guy in a bar started talking to me. He had been staring at me for a while. He is a musician and talked about music for 15 minutes straight (a MONOLOGUE), then I told him that he was a "mine" of information and that I could listen to him for hours (I was IN AWE!!!). He told me that he could speak for hours. The interesting thing is that I was asking him questions at the beginning but, after a few minutes, I started to forget what I wanted to say. My mind went completely blank. Then he told me that he wanted to play with the other musicians in the bar and left. It was at that moment when I understood what had just happened. I felt confused at first and then stupid. He wanted SUPPLY and oh boy did he have it! Thank you Sam Vaknin for this channel. I'm learning, still making mistakes, but I'm getting faster at spotting the narcs' dynamics. This time it took me 20 minutes instead of 10 years! Not that bad!
Sounds like an utter bore to me. Should have said "don't you think you could allow an amount of interchange with me rather than forcing me to nod my head and provide nothing to this conversation?"
That could just be a lonely person cope. Someone with anxieties. We're labeling people narcs with a small sample size. The person has insecurities for sure. Nobody is required to sign up for dealing with that in another person.
Well done on spotting these ticks earlier, you do get better at narc-spotting.
@KelseyNineMusicplease don't spread stupidity
I thought you'd be better off experiencing narcissism first hand but this isn't enough of a sign to brand anyone as a narcissist. Beware of becoming the person you hate the most.
it all makes sense now, I wish I had known this 40 years ago, but, better late than never! Thank you.
Me too about my “ma”. She set out to destroy my self existence and pretty much succeeded. It started when she accidentally got pregnant and abortion was illegal. She said to me she wished she hung herself when she was pregnant with me. I was a constant annoyance in her life. She is a textbook narcissist and I just found out at 53. Thanks to these videos. Then I unknowingly married one. I’m so broken…
@@Loriburnett but knowing you’re not alone really does help! I have watched a ton of videos and I am honestly so much stronger now.
It took ma a good 15 years to realise exactly WHAT I'm dealing with. That's when I began to study a Narcissist and learnt how to live with it if you have to.
Me too
Me too honey.But better late than not at all.
Omg the stories !!! Never asking questions, only assumptions as truth, correcting everything, even when I express MY emotions he corrects me!! I’m just starting to recover, the last 5 yrs has taken a toll on my health😢
I ended up in the hospital after my pseudo-relationship ended, a mass of stress and betrayed emotions. I developed acid reflux so severe that as I was sleeping one night, I ended up inhaling my own stomach acid and my lungs shut down and I almost suffocated. I thought I was going to die that night - all from a toxic relationship full of lies. Your health is your most important asset and NO ONE is worth that.
Healing energy 💫its Evil the shyt narcs do to ppl smh!!
I had a narcissist who was bothering me. My friend had just one word. One response. One question. Why? Under a barrage of why's, the narcissist crumpled and folded like the paper people they really are.
This is brilliant. I might try it if I ever run into my ex narc. But the ideal situation would be to never see him again. Four months total no contact so far.
Sorry, you've lost me. What do you mean by Why? Please let me know, we can never learn too much about this.
Lov this
@@musicfundiMy Narc Mom tried to start an argument with me about something stupid, I just kept saying "Why are you arguing with me", after saying that 3 times she stopped talking after getting frustrated and just said "Whatever" before changing the subject and acting like nothing happened. She acts like such a spoiled little child. It's shameful.
@@ChineseChicken1 spot on, thank you.
I remember a man who worked on a horse ranch. The boss was a malignant narcissist who mercilessly beat the horses, as well as engaging in underhanded tactics with his workers. When a wild horse was brought in for breaking, the boss beat on it and tortured it for non-compliance. One day the man I'm mentioning was alone with the boss, watching as he got into an enclosure with the wild horse. It reared up and struck the boss down. The boss looked at the man in question, pleading for him to help, but the man just sat there on the fence, watching as the horse killed the boss.
The point of my story is that narcissists are inherently unintelligent people. If the boss had been smart, he would've gained the empathy of his workers instead of alienating them, something that would've saved his life.
You have a good point about narcissists being dumb. I have several in my family. They have made stupid decisions about basic things in life that came back to bite them in the butt.
They bring it on themselves💩💀
What a story. Wow
Yes I have noticed they are not intelligent.
"All appearance no substance " literally have said this 💯
In the depths of the worst of it, I wrote in my journal “Your words seep like poison into my bones”. I couldn’t understand why someone who claims to love, would speak to me at times with such utter contempt. I am grateful for your videos that help make me some sense of the crazy-making nonsense. It’s very, very difficult in the midst of it and trying to survive- like being in the fog of war.
Amazing, not so? One minute they're all over you, covering you with love and respect, yet a few hours late it can be the exact opposite. God gave me strength to deal with it and to take the best out of it and simply dismiss the bad. Like Prof said : Ignore them! Their words means nothing if you don't react to it. Slowly, slowly he will realise he's not getting the results anymore . It's difficult sometimes, but worth the hard work you'll put in to try and understand HOW to live with it. That's if (number 1) you CAN'T leave.
THIS IS PURE GOLD! I couldn’t imagine a more succinct explanation of why the narc-psychopath ever speaks. Period! It’s NEVER about the said communication itself, but rather WHY the communication. Every single word is for the purpose of manipulation to benefit their ultimate goal in that moment. And their ongoing goals have no end.
Thank you for putting this out there Prof. Sam Vaknin. This deserves a Nobel Prize 👏👏👏👏
Absolutely! One of the best I've seen. So important to know.
Therapists need to have this in mind in couples therapy when one of the clients is a narcissist.
You're absolutely right..I wouldn't recommend therapy with a narcissistic partner...just concentrate on self care ❤
Therapist need to pull the non narcissist aside and advise them to leave the relationship.
Assuming the therapist isn't also a narcissist. Now there's a combination. Been there, done that. Never again.
WoW.
Thank you all for sharing here.
Before, it was years ago, I didn't know about narcissist, I just know he needs help, I told my children's father to go to therapy, he refused , said seeing psychologist or psychiatrist is for crazy people.
If we did seek therapist Who didn't know narcissist , it must be worsen hell.
Thanks God.
From TH-cam, we knew and learnt a lot.
Thanks Dr. Sam.
Wow! This is exactly what I thought after counselling with my ex wife narc.. the therapist did NOTHING of value to assist.. like she didnt pick up on anything happening.
My ex-husband Narcissist kept asking me if I had my taxes done, and kept saying "A girl I know works at your accountant's office now" then I asked myself why he keeps asking me and telling me that! He was planning to get my tax return leaked to him! He's cheating on his new wife/source! He is like a caged gorilla now!!! I was literally scared to death, after many years of divorce. Last week was a wake-up call: They NEVER change!!!
He didn't think I would figure it out and stop him! When I did, he went NUTS! Plus now he knows I can tell his wife about the "Girl" in the office! I won't, I don't care about his wife, she was one of his mistresses when we were married, so he's her problem. They really can play the long game...our children and I have suffered this abuse for 34 years.
A good go-to answer for those types of questions is "Are you offering to pay?"
Involve payment and they'll back off immediately.
Yes, dig deeper into the intent, what do they really want? Ignore the superficial mask/act they are giving you. Also pay attention to how they make you feel.
Usually they leave you feeling drained. That's why - after doing a lot of work post narc abuse ....you have to surround yourself ONLY with people who lift you up.
Spot on when it comes to my mother. I didn't think she had ever had a deep or intellectual conversation with anyone. And she makes things up to suit her about anything. I never had a real conversation her.
My mum is exactly the same. When she was working full time (she's mid-70s and retired now), she would regale her female colleagues with tall tales of where she went and what she did on the weekend (all made up). Sailing with a Texan oil millionaire she met at a posh pub was her favourite. These women ate it up whereas my sisters and I were shocked and incredulous that anyone could believe such nonsense. My mum isn't deep or intellectual. She has no hobbies or pastimes, no interests, no friends and no partner. She just sits at home and watches tv.
We've seen her watch tv and it looks like she's in a trance. When she "comes to", we ask her what she was watching and it would always be so completely different from what she actually watched. Same with her recounting an actual even she witnessed. Between the eyes seeing, the brain processing and the mouth speaking, there would be a complete disconnect and it was astonishing the difference in reality to her recollection of it. She never wants to learn anything new. She doesn't want to go anywhere, especially if she has to pay for it herself. She's not interested in anything, really. Makes me wonder why she's even in this life. Her ability to connect with anything or anyone, including herself, is severely compromised and we are just counting the days until dementia starts taking a hold of her.
@@audrablue515Sad
@@audrablue515My mother with sugar coats reality. It pisses me off because it is lying. She lives in LaLa land. That is what I call it. An entirely different reality from the rest of humanity.
Absolutely. Problem is that others around you don't see it, don't "hear it"
Oh yes you so right.
They think there wonderful .
True
@@whynot5846 I really wish I wasn't. Sad truth
The abuse is a "dog whistle" that only YOU can hear. Be careful of looking for support from those who can't "hear" it.
Not everyone is in a position to ‘leave’ a narc.
Brutal, and true...
I felt like I couldn't leave the NPD in my daily life so stayed for nearly a decade, so I really understand what you're saying.
The power dynamic in interpersonal relations is determined by the one who gives it away. Being weak in any given moment does not define any one or mean that person can never learn ways to handle it.
Oh yes they are. They have to make sacrifices but it will ve worth it
Feeling that you cannot leave the Narc? As long as they are not physically harming you, just try to dwell as long as you can, not allowing them to break you down. Conquer the evil with the good. I will assure you, they always overplay their hand and something will happen to bring you some peace. Just stay focused on getting through each day. Ofcourse you will have to find ways to cope, like being active with a support group, or a family member you trust to be able to help you stay strong while you work on making your exit. It won't happen overnight, but you will get to where you want to be in your life. They usually always self-destruct.
I am legit shocked and I am only 30 seconds in. My entire life I have been saying that I am not nearly as interested in what people say or do as I am interested in why they say or do it, what was/is their motivation. Nobody has ever ag agreed with me or even said they understood why I felt that way. You have just made me feel so much more understood and normal. I often feel like I have a different way of thinking or looking at life than others. Truly thank you.
God bless you then ❤
Most people do not think deeply about topics like this unless their life circumstances force them to.
You've always had narc radar. In the voice of Napoleon Dynamite " LUCKY"
@@TheWealthOfNationz
That's pretty much true with all biosurvival learning... We learned that which we need to survive our everyday life..
The more challenges you got in life, the more you need to learn, teach thyself
I believe they are giving you their playbook in segments of how they truly feel and think. I also think it helps them relieve negative thoughts by doing it in a coded or covert way because they feel superior to their sources. My covert Narc wanted to gauge my level of sharpness and/or ability to see how fast I caught onto the comments from day 1 of the relationship to the end via how I responded.
Ultimately, I believe it gives them sense of dominance over their source(s).
The crazy things they say in a positive or neutral tone is so confusing. I think he was testing mt boundaries too to see how I would take and what he could get away with. Only 6 months with him, but have been single for 8 years
Yes......I look beyond their words....
Their INTENTIONS are what you need to learn in order to protect yourself.
i remember when she pointed out to me that i was paying too much attention to details to the how and why.
@Estebar33, she noticed you were acting up and resisting the bs
Yeah she preferred when I was compliant and unaware of her bs. Her facial expressions were betraying her and i could spot the inconsistencies and incongrueties. She knew i was on to her.
Like when they first meet you, roping you in with sweet words....
Hi Sam.
Im laughing too.
Now divorced.
No covert narcissist wven breathing around me.
Fresh air! FINALLY😂
Reasons:
1) impress you! convert you into their narcissistic supply / manage your image of them.
2) confabulation! Create versions of short stories which they don’t actually recall.
3) support grandiosity or shared fantasy of “perfect” sense of self! Speech that elevates them in hopes you believe it too.
4) manipulation! To get you to do their bidding, cater to them, provide for their wishes.
WOW YOU DESCRIBED THE PERSON IN MIND PRECISELY! I’m shook!
I know several and it's impossible to have a balanced conversation. As soon as a gap in the conversation arrives and I speak, it's clear they are not listening. They are looking around and wanting to be the only one talking.
So true!
My covert narcissist friend will just not let me speak. Every time she pauses or finishes what she is saying I manage to get one word in if I’m lucky then she speaks right over me about HER subject or topic. I may as well just shut up and listen to a podcast while she just talks and talks and talks and talks. 5 hours later we say goodbye with out me having had an opportunity to just chat.
exactly.
Absolutely!
Exactly. A former friend would disengage the minute I started talking. They’d be scanning the room not listening at all. They’re wondering what image they’re portraying to anyone in the area including the person they’re with. That made so much sense.
One minute he insults me and pushes me away, next minute he wants to see me...Why is that?
That s called power play. He wants to see you suffer because thats his healing.
Don t fall for his trap otherwise you will drown too. Seek helped and speak to people about it ❤ and of course NO contact!
I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you and anyone that has experience a Narcissist.
The “trauma bond” is the worst. They are actually messing with chemicals in your brain. Hippocampus and Amygdala ( fight or flight). The trauma bond reminds me of a frog that is slowing being boiled.
I remember becoming so exhausted, while the narc lived rent free in your head. I lost myself, I felt brainwashed.
I stopped dreaming, the brain fog was off the charts, cold chills, blood pressure changed, startled so easily, irritable and telling myself that I want off this rollercoaster, but had this grandiose idea that I will try harder or I need a little more time to make a breakthrough to show the Narc love and consistency can change this person. I was wrong, it changed me for the worse. They select us because we are quality. Yet, they are facade/fake and they study us/you. At first I believe the Narc really likes the person. But, once you harm them by saying something wrong, you will become enemy number one and it only gets worse. You might not say anything wrong, yet they take it as if you were attacking them.
You are quality and deserve so much better. It is hard because myself and others fell for what we thought was our perfect person only to realize this individual is a shell of grandiose ,self promoting, entitled individual that can’t be alone because they fear their own silence. My best suggestion if possible run and don’t look back or talk to a person who specializes in Narcissistic behavior, ect.
My heart and prayers go out to you.
He seems like a person with BPD
Because you're friggen annoying sometimes? Idk 😎 (I'm kidding, I hope for the best for you and anyone else reading this)
Or bpd? 😅
It took me years to realise this on my own. Once I had, it all became very obvious to me, I saw absolutely no purpose in letting her know that I now understood, or point out her true motives, as it always resulted in it being twisted by her to me being 'abusive' and her a victim. I grey rocked, and then told her straight, with no detailed explanation, that this relationship was over. She love bombed for a while but when that had no impact, and elicited no response, she was gone. Vanished.
my husband is going through the exact same thing right now, it's been a tough road to get here....I'm happy for your escape from the dark emotional cloud in your life
@@magdahernandez6924 Thank you, and he will get there, and he will gladly let all thoughts of them go.' It's them not you'.
In our first few meetings he repeated back to me what I said. I dismissed it at first but it felt unnatural, mechanical & eerie so I remember googling why a person would mirror speech back like that…I suppose it was hypnosis/entrainment…the rest is a painful and eye opening history. Thanks to a lot of what I learned from Prof. Vaknin I walked away but it has been a long grieving process and I remind myself to just keep going.
Not saying he wasn’t narcissistic, but crisis management are also trained to repeat back because it signifies that you are being heard and that what you say matters. This could have just been part of the entrapment phase of lovebombing?
ive also experienced this weird repeating thing with them
Yep, it’s because they have no originality. They steal pieces and traits they admire and think will work. But because they’re not the originals, it can’t be sustained and they scramble for more supply on how to look smart or normal.
@@critter_pawsyep!
The actions tell you everything. Words are essentially meaningless until you see their outcomes
Suddenly I understand in detail why I believe I am crazy.
I understood to a point what is going on but now the explanation of these intricacies - I feel like I now have Hope to break Free.
I have no words. Thank you for explaining this to me.
You can break free. I did . My self esteem and confidence was shit to the ground. I lost my spirit but once I learned about this I've gained so much control over myself. You can do it I promise you. They are weak beings who are terrified of people who fight back
So fight for your right to love yourself and be yourself
“Good luck” are the most relevant words. It’s always dangerous to have an individual with high PD in your surrounding. On financial, personal or physical level.
Dr Vaknin, your knowledge and use of the English language is extraordinarily good especially given it is not your native language. I commend you on this and your content. It is absolutely correct in my opinion and experience with an extreme narcissist.
You are a genius…..that’s all you have to think when talking to them and give them as little information as possible and never show your annoyed no matter what triggers they pull!great advice and video 👍⭐️
You're a smart man. I just left a crack addicted narcissist man child. I'm in a shelter for abused women Day 3. Thank you for this content. It sure helped me
Fascinating! I just recently detected that my covert narc husband speaks to manipulate - to make me feel bad, feel less than, to goad me into an argument. I haven’t taken the bait in weeks, no physical intimacy in weeks (finally figured out he never genuinely loved me). I’m experiencing the silent treatment, and out of my earshot he’s mentioned divorce.
Which is something to look forward to!
I have done this for as long as I can remember. This is second nature to me. All my life other people say that I'm being too nitpicky about every single little word that people say. I need to stop analyzing every single word people say. I knew I was right!
This point is absolute gem! The intention behind the speech is where the actual truth lies 🤭 no intended.
👉Can confirm this. My Narc father GENUINELY had no memory of the stories and lies he gave, it was a PTSD type response. Screwed up my reality compass for DECADES!
Narcissists never communicate only manipulate then praise for there own recognition if they still have control or not over you, push pull always becomes push to shove use and abuse
My sister in law looks for information to use to criticise us behind our backs so she can manipulate her position and how she looks to other family, friends and community! Are we getting a pool, who wanted the pool and who didn’t, what furniture are you buying and why, and on and on. Then will bad mouth me and when people meet me they come with that judgement. Quite horrible to me while no one is looking, like not answering me, ringing me to tell me what’s wrong with me, and then tells me I’m too sensitive… put up with it for about 18yrs…. We finally said no more, no contact … been together 27yrs now, she has just contacted our daughter loved bombed her had her up to stay asked her to move in with her and wants her to come on holidays…. We got a 2 hr visit at the end of daughters week long stay as if to say you don’t matter! We give up! 🤷🏼♀️ We didn’t react… acted like it didn’t bother us… what ever will be will be.. but it is like watching evil at work!
My father was a narcissist, my first husband was a sociopath.
All I have to say is that I count myself so lucky because I know who I am, I am now a lot more astute and can get a "mental visual" on a lot of people straight away.
If you come across anyone with narcissism or sociopathy, think of yourself and get away from them because they WILL try to use you.
Run...
I feel sorry for people with these mental issues, my father was physically abused as a child.
My first husband had a very unusual upbringing and I think his sociopathy stemmed from nuture.
It is sad to think that a lot of people go barging through their lives ignorant of who they really are and how much they mentally injure others.
😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭
So very true. They really are sad people. My Narc also had a Narc Dad and he had a terrible childhood. That's why I tried to make excuses for home for 15 of our 30 years together..... Only because of studying the Narcs and learning how to cope with them, can I say that the last few years of the last 15 years brought me out on top!
They use text and email so you are less able to see the verbal cues and tone of voice.
My mother’s intention is always to dominate in one form or another. Monologues, talks over, interrupts as if you are not concentrating on something else and sits on her mighty throne with a spirit of entitlement to dictate, demand obedience or there is consequences, wants worship and complete and total devotion without question. Rules with an iron fist and thinks she’s a Canonized Saint.
I could give this video unlimited likes! Prof Sam Vaknin is a genius! And that laugh makes me smile every time!
my narcissist ex always tells me that I am a shameless child, I am uncontrollable and therefore everything is always my fault. and I was just tired of listening to him. I felt like he was trying to pierce my brain. at one time I was very scared when he synchronized with me and began to speak out loud my momentary thoughts
True they have anger outbursts due to their inflated ego and blame others instead of themselves. They are self righteous
I've noticed this since I was a kid I never could understand why they could never come out and say what they wanted what they needed or what they meant it always was a manipulated conversation with some other support system
This video is one of THE BEST videos on the NPD on TH-cam I’ve seen, rising well above the rehash out there.
I recently learned this. They talk at you not to you. And more likely it’s half truths and or to suit them personally. Luckily we use a parenting app only and 99% of this crap o just plain ignore.
So timely! Thank you Dr. Banking. My narc just went on a full psycho event against me. I don’t live with him, so just left the room ( no point in escalating the situation) and haven’t spoken to him since. We’ve been seeing one another about a year and half, he’s looking for me to move in, how much money do I make, etc. Hasn’t worked yet, so I think that’s what it was about. Control, supply, manipulation, etc. Bye , bye!
Run! Fast!
No run away and never ever contact again.
Narcissists are simply not good. Some people are born with big faults. I have no shame in saying that my family members who are narcs simply aren't good people. You can't fix them and leaving is the best thing we can do for ourselves.
Thank you for this. Best advice concerning narcissism Ive heard. And it has truly helped the capacity for critical thinking in this regard instead of wondering WHY I am feeling this or that.
I need to listen to this several times. I know what I went through for over 40 years, but I couldn't put it into words.
Im positive he was a psychopathic covert narcissist.
.My faith saved my mind and self-esteem in spite of him, but Im still recovering from c-ptsd and physical issues. I'd have been long dead if not for God.....
They patronize you, how true is this!
In being left isolated by my 2 psychopath narc sisters, in clutching at the straws for human contact, I found an inverted narcissist to befriend. It's just, "repeat, repeat, repeat" how brilliantly she did a certain thing. It was like a cracked record. Also quoting from the bible. One wonders if there is anyone out there to actually receive a group of words and come up with an answer or a human response. I used to think my younger sister was drinking in my words so as to give me help, but, no, what she was doing was listening so as to build her outward persona/mask. It really is shocking how depraved these entities are.
I must admit I had to look up “confabulate” 😂 Good stuff Professor thanks.
Having moved back into my mom's after hitting rock bottom, I've truly seen what it's like living with this type of people. And one's own strength is fundamental to one's ability to cope.
Optmistically, I now know why my life's been such a mess. Which in turn means that this deeper degree of understanding myself can be used to bettering my life. It's very important to understand one's own emotions and that they should not be bad in any sense. And if you're feeling bad and also feel confused as to why, you can be sure that the loss of clarity is signifying an underlaying neuroticism likely caused by a reawakening of trauma. With these tools one could possibly navigate oneself to a better place over time.
By being mature enough to accept fate as it is, and realize that one's life can only become better by consistently making good decisions (at any rate that's the only thing within one's own power; luck helps). Realize you've been a victim but do not adopt a victim mentality. A person who isen't identifying themselves as a victim psychologically (despite realizing the factual nature of their past) can take the necessary steps to become someone who doesn't allow themselves to be victimized or masochistic.
It's actually very simple, but as Jung once said: Simplicity is very difficult in real life.
Wow, the confabulation bit really struck me! It makes sense- the new narrative needs external validation because somewhere their psyches are unsure of what’s real, some part of them must vaguely remember the denial and the lies.. or at least is aware of gaps, so it needs back up, confirmation. Their memories are a piecemeal quilt stitched together with denial, truth and fantasy all mixed in!
It’s so bonkers. Don’t expect rhyme or reason.
It’s really sad to think of people so traumatised that they are living a permanently foggy, apparition-filled half real existence.
It’s tragic, but they have to seek healing for themselves, you can’t do it for them.
I really hope there are more therapists trained in helping people like this. The world needs to heal this.
I love your explanation. Reminds me of liminal space honestly....
I found your understanding of the motives of Psychopathic Narcissists insightful: Thank you.
Can you help us understand why a person who is not a narcissist experiences psychosis, their behaviors look just like NPD? They use DARVO, manipulation, blame-shifting, move goalposts, dehumanize, devalue, etc.
I see a total personality shift for some people who experience psychosis, and they end up alienating and hurting everyone around them.
One thing that is confounding is that people who have always been able to accept accountability and apologize if they made mistakes, who were genuinely very invested in being responsible and honest with themselves and others, are not able to accept any responsibility for their actions and impact on others when experiencing active psychosis.
Just a thought, I'm not an expert or anything, but could it be that they are in a more primal/instinct state? I think a lot of these behaviors come from paranoia and a sense of grandiosity. Like, there are people in psychosis who think they are Jesus come back and they see themselves as the savior of the world and everyone needs to listen to them. Maybe their brain is just trying to survive a mental crisis? In a way, it seems that narcissists are in a constant type of psychosis. When someone is in psychosis they lose their sense of self, become a false self (temporary mental crisis). Narcissists don't have a self; they have a false self. Maybe this is the connection? Also, it's interesting how addicts can become exactly like narcissists while actively using, but many that recover are the kindest, most honest, and responsible people you will ever meet. While at its worst, addiction can consume someone to the point they will do the worst things to get their substance, and then when high or drunk can be such terrible people to those they claim to love. All of these situations are really sad for everyone involved.
Psychotic? Maybe they are psychotic.
Psychosis causes a lack of "insight" so ppl may truly not see what's wrong with their behaviour and they may feel everyone else is crazy
I talk about my future plans and outlook then the narc brings up the hurt and pains and ailments that they are currently going through.
Hello professor, could you please make a video about narcissistic grandparents and how they treat their grandchildren? I have found very little information online about this topic and it’s mostly superficial things that don’t go into details.
One of the things I like to do when my brother is talking, is fall asleep🤣🤣. He startles me awake saying I’m interrupting him! And so I ask what did I snort because I fell asleep while you were having a full on conversation with yourself.
They talk at you. Having come to learn about narcissism I am on my healing journey.
You are dead right! This is really helpful, so thank you. My wife really has no real emotions and it’s so boring! But goals are no problem to her. I can really see that now, so thank you
A very easy lesson to understand, but if your heart is involved, almost impossible to implement. The Cognitive Dissonance is very loud. You have to accept:
1). you are in Love with a robot that only simulates being human, and that (My perception completely failed me)
2). they don't know they are a robot. (I can't justify anger or passions)
3. your identity must solidify around being an individual (No more "US" with a robot)
4). Accept 1, 2, 3 while robot is actively manipulating you. (Intellect sorting signal from noise)
With my Covert Narcissist the strongest clues that brought me to my tipping point was WHEN she did and did not act and speak. Recognition of her tactical TIMING triggered my logic circuits.
I love that. Verbal apotheosis. Got all kinds of people trying to "recruit" as you say.
I've done a ton of research on narcs and this confabulation you speak of is the piece that has been missing for me to get my head around my mother-in-law. She lies when the truth will do, so she's just saying what she thinks will be the most believable. It isn't necessarily believable, but it can never be authentic. She has such a limited number of sentences in her vocabulary that for years I thought she was not a native speaker!
They don't allow 'feel'. Never.
Sam you helped me many years ago to break free from inside a narcisists world. I had no idea such people existed and was so confused as to what I was doing wrong.
Omg I think this is the first ever time that I’ve heard Sam giggle out loud LOL too funny! 😂
It was so sweet, I really giggled myself...
Happy Belated Birthday, Professor Vaknin!
Ka-Bam, Sam! Thank you. Simple tools. Easy to remember. I like how you laid it out here.
Genius talk..makes total sense to think about the 'why' rather than the content..thank you Sam
My adult son expects flattery from me. That is my role: I must always tell him how marvelous he is and I must always congratulate him. If I don't, he will punish me by not texting me for weeks, and criticizes me terribly, even though we've been living in separate countries for many years now.
@@OxyRay-ms8bm Do you have kids?
Aka u took the words out of my mouth. And then some..
Yes, they need to validate their delusional world view, often through getting the validation from others. A lot of my family is like this and unfortunately I was the youngest and had to suffer from this garbage, stunting my academic development I am sure. Luckily I am now gone and every time I see them, maybe once a year at most, I am pretty happy to leave them. Hell, I don't even wish my mom "happy mothers day" because she simply doesn't deserve it.
I’m a live in caretaker for a malignant narcissist I’m getting out of here SOON 😩
Never try to love the red flags out of someone; stay woke friends. 🤙
that sentence is a dimond, thanks
nailed it!
Awake is true spiritual liberation. 'Woke' is a left leaning political agenda
Awake, never woke.
🤩💎🤩
This is the most accurate video and I watched a lot about this topic in the past few month to understand what is happening.
Thank you, this helps a lot.
Im into dance and music scenes of different types. I met the narcissist at one of them. I then introduced him to another scene which he completely molded himself to, buying a whole new wardrobe spending £100s on new shoes record's. All the while telling me he had been into this scene all his life ?? like he'd forgotten he hadn't dressed that way when i met him and he didn't have the record's or go to the events until i introduced him to it.
I then started taking dance lessons with my son and started on another path of dancing and music ( rock n Roll) i did this without telling him because i didn't want fhe criticism. He found out what i was doing so i took him along to a dance with a live band. Then suddenly he completely changed his whole wardrobe again with in weeks he was dressing in a 50s style again he spent £100s on clothing shoes record's, and again telling me he'd always been into the 50s scene he even started taking dance lessons in his own area. He had absolutely no issue about lying to my face saying this is what he'd always been into, he even started looking at 50s style motor bikes and cars.
What is behind the "memory loss" issue? Is it documented or testable? I would like to hear more about what this experience could feel like to the narcissist. I've seen this confabulation happening in front of my eyes, to my amazement, but I attributed it to simply a strong propensity to lie. What was unusual to me was that the person lied or made up stories even when they didn't have to - when there was no threat, benefit or reason to. Almost like lying was a hobby, and they felt others were too stupid to notice (which was quite irritating, btw). What helped the narcissist who I knew "win" at her game, at least for a time, was that she was so utterly convinced of her lies that it left me bewildered - like, 'didn't she just tell me something else yesterday? Did I really hear what I just heard?' In my experience, narcissism is truly a profound mental illness and delusional to such an unanticipated extreme, that if you go with them too far down the rabbit hole, you also end up deeply mentally disturbed and questioning reality.
Search the Mind playlist.
OMG this is spot on! How I wish I heard this decades ago.
It's very fascinating how you deliver the information. Very appreciated.
I remember 2 situations with my ex-girlfriend when I questioned why she was making some statements. I remember when she introduced her self to a new work group, she said her name following it by her ex-husband incidence to murder her in the past. Which made all the people in the room empathize.
The other situation is similar, When she met with a higher status ( her words) person as a co worker, she introduced her self by saying her name following it by mentioning a letter she had received in the past from an organization that she were qualified for something. That was not relevant to the ( higher status) co worker.
In our everyday conversations, she was either talking about some achievements she has done and how idiotic people around her who's cannot appreciate her. Or she is ( teaching) me something like a child ( how to walk the dog.... How to drive in tunnels.....)
At the same time she was addicted to different kinds of drugs. When I confronted her she told me that it's her only way to handle anxiety before meetings at work, which was daily.
She has a really bad memory, especially about people she has been dating in the past. But she could remember situations but not relating to people.
She calls out other people's behavior in a robotic way. Like ( this person made this..... This is not good.... We don't do this things...) this can be something that normal person doesn't have to react to. Not that way at least
wow you got this one on the TARGET!!
This is brilliant. And creepy. Thanks for your insight.
This is very helpful Sam. I have a narcissist brother. Thanks.
Dr. Vaknin, You are the Best,As usual!
Thank you Prof. Vaknin. The conversations never real. I can see this and it’s making sense.
This is extremely important information, thank you, I really enjoy your videos. 🎉
This is why my 2 narc husbands each left me (one 22 years, the other 22 months) because I kept asking them about their motives. I didn’t realize that was the #1 no no for a narcissist. Happily for me, I’m an intensely curious person and like puzzles, so I was trying to “put together” what was happening so I good naturedly asked a lot of questions. 😂 It drove them crazy.
I found out that the first man was not the worst of the worst because a couple years after the divorce, he actually apologized to me for how he treated me.
The second one was worse than even our malignant mother. Off the charts horrible.
Thanks to TH-cam and excellent videos like this, I’ve learned to understand this whole issue and also inform others. I’m so so grateful
Thank you. She would remember my response but not her initial remark or question I was responding to. It used to buffle me.
Convenient memory gaps....
My mother would do that all the time. I didn’t know what was going on.
Yes.
Its like the copycat behaviors they try too become you its very invasive control and they hang around in the becoming a treacherous monster but ita lesson drom the blessings that i am grateful for.
That is brilliant. I never thought about it. Intentions behind the speech... Why he is saying what he is saying?
Thank you.
Ty professor Vaknin ♥
This was the best video! I took a lot from it. It will really help me when my husband gets out of prison, when the time comes I have to deal with him again.
get into therapy for yourself right now ! before your husband gets out, to understand yourself..
Wow, didn’t know about the lack of memory thing.
1. Impress you
2. Confabulation - memory gaps
3. To support their grandiosity; not listen 👂; lecture; elevate them
4. Manipulation