I am a Romanian woman living in Belgium and i left my ex narc 6 months ago after 7years of mental hell. I couldn't have done it without listening to you, Dr. Ramani. Thank you!!
Also Romanian here, but living in England. I had a similar experience over many years, in almost all my long term relationships. I always ignored the red flags, and I didn't know any better, ab*se was all I knew from my childhood. Now I'm single and I have been ab*se free for years! Please stay STRONG and NO CONTACT!!!!
Bravo to this genius of a caring expert. This is a good quote. What just burned itself onto my brain forever- "Narcissistic relationships are where trust goes to die"
I heard someone saying that American culture creates narcissistic citizens. I always thought they grow as arrogant people because of the culture as well.
I have surface friends. No one I can REALLY share with. But they are good for a laugh occasionally. You don't have to trust 100% there are degrees to trust. God bless.❤
Narcs ask you most of the time to do something for them. They treat you like a servant. You on the other side are conditioned to do it all by yourself and wont even ask for help.
Yes!!! I started to realise this many years into the relationship so started to call it out as 'bossy' behaviour whenever it happened. It struck me as really interesting that I hadn't noticed previously (just how much my pleasing was on autopilot). It's very funny to watch them scramble for excuses when you call it out 'oh, but you're closer, I would do it for you, or if I was sitting there and the dog wasn't resting next to me...'
@jilross4892 Agreed 👍 Including even taking care of My own sexual needs. He certainly never understood what it takes!! Groping and hurting you, isn't going to work. My Ex thought it would turn Me on 🤦♀️ Thanks to Porn. Those poor women who do that for a living have to be desperate for the money. They aren't groaning in pleasure, they are in pain. ❤️🩹 This world is full of evil people. Find Safe People 🙏 ❤️ and don't put up with people who don't treat you with respect. They aren't worth your Soul being high jacked! 30 years taught Me a lot and I'm so glad God opened My eyes and I got out! 🙌 🙌 If you can get out Run! You will never regret it. We all deserve to be treated with love and respect. Best of luck to Everyone who is trying to leave or has found freedom from the abusive narcissist. I'm so happy you found your freedom 💛 !
My mother did everything because it allowed her to control, then moaned about it. My father the worst of the two expected a wife like that but she took that initiative regardless because it gave her the control over him and me and the perception of the good wife. Now he can't function without her and when I left home I didn't have a clue how to do anything! My next who has traits like her was the same (I didn't realise at the time), I wasn't allowed to cook, do washing, decorate, nothing. What both did expect is total compliance. They control their world's by making those around them incapable and tied to them. Left me thinking I couldn't make it without them. Add in the criticisms, put downs, passive aggression, guiltily, gaslighting. Invisible chains. Far more damaging to me that my father's overt rage and aggression. My ex turned violent and I got out. There are different forms of how they control.
@@bereal6590 thats horrible indeed, thats where it starts in most cases. In the home. Try to do things on your own and when you need help ask someone. You can do it👍
I’ve been in a narcissistic relationship since I was 19. I’m now 50. It feels like this is all I’ve known all my adult life. I grieve for all the lost time and opportunities and for the betrayal. Only thing that rescued be somewhat was education and faith. Much love to Dr. Ramani and other survivors out there ❤✊❤✊
I can totally relate. I'm 50 now too. I'm haunted by wasting 1000's of hours of conversation hoping satan would change. Excuse me I meant she would change, grow and mature. May God bless you and increase your strength, love and peace!🙏
I can't relate. I am happy that you are free from that abuse. it's hard for me to understand how narcissists are tolerated. it's my shortcoming ill admit but when I was young I developed a pervasive intolerance for b.s. maybe I should thank my parents for that.
This is SO true. With two narc parents and a violent psychopath older brother, I learned I had to be invisible. To be noticed was to be blocked and attacked. Best not to be seen at all. It does not lead to success in life, jobs, frienship and relationships etc.
You are likely surprised, as I continue to be, that our sense of isolation and confusion, is a common experience for so many. It seems impossible that we felt so incredibly ALONE in our lives with the narc, but now we see, we were not alone! At least, that's how I perceive it! All the best to you! ❤
@@WritingArcadia I interntionally chose "Could," because no matter how hard I wish, dream, and try to manifest it in reality, nothing is ever a "Should" when involving another person. No matter who I am or who I become, no matter the sadness sufferend - I don't get to set imperitives in another person's life. That's what THEY think. That's how THEY act.
@@Play-All-The-Games I apply "What Should Have Been" to the situation as opposed to applying it to the people. So, basically, having an affinity for a version of the past with completely different people: people who were kind by default instead of people who were cruel by default.
A narcissistic relationship is where trust goes to die...you lose trust in life itself most notably loss of our own trust in ourselves.... basically an existential loss of trust"
He yelled at me "you will never find a man like me again"... back then percieved it as a threat and questioned to die lonely. Today I think "I really hope so"
Yep, one of my kids once told me if something happened to their dad they wanted me to marry again so I could be happy. Nope. Don’t need a man to be happy. No chances of losing myself in another again.
@@goldbrick2563 some of us old women were taught our place was to make a home for a man and his children. Lots of women used their talents to do that ( doing it right aint easy !!) but a certain segment of the culture felt they needed us to generate corporate income and taxes more than our homes needed us. I could be happy either way… just didn’t understand that the dysfunctional family I married into was run by a narcissist who raised narcissist twins! Thank God the worse one wasn’t interested!
My mother always speaks with pride about when I was a little girl, I used to play hours and hours by myself in my room. I hate to draw any kind of attention (even in my 50s), even if positive. I'm most comfortable when I'm not seen.
This makes me want to cry because I feel exactly everything that you’re talking about. I never knew me. I was abused as a child and I went right into an abusive marriage at 16 years old. Had kids stayed with him for 37 years. He was very abusive, both mentally emotionally physically sexually everything And now my kids don’t talk to me although I always thought I was a good mom. Yes, I made mistakes but I always felt like I was there for them. In hindsight now I wished I never would’ve stayed with him. I thought I was doing good for the kids, but now I know I wasn’t. It was more harmful to them than helpful, I am working on myself now going to counseling, but you were spot on what you’re saying how narcissistic abuse follows you. I thought once I left my ex-husband I would be good but it’s not that easy trauma follows me into my daily life. It affects everything I do, but I’m working on it day by day, finding my own voice, knowing who I am and just taking it one day at a time. Thank you for sharing these videos they make me feel that I’m not crazy and I’m not alone in this fight.
I see you and understand the pain that you have suffered throughout your life. Me too. A 75, I am finally beginning to know my authentic self. Dr. Ramani‘s videos and a few others I have found on TH-cam have literally saved my life. Sending you a warm hug and a heart filled with hope for you and me.❤
You better hold back on your empathy with a narcissist until you get out. That's what they prey on at any level. You cannot radically accept if you continue to cater to their needs as it will keep you in the trauma bond.
There are many narcissist in the church! They love to sing so they can be seen & heard. They want ppl to think they're such good ppl. If they're not seen or heard they won't do anything. They must get their supply!!!
Oh no. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I felt this way, and sometimes I still trust the wrong people, but I am pleading with you not to give up trusting yourself. It feels impossible at first, and you will probably need a very clued in therapist to help you, but in time you can regain trust in your own opinions, choices etc. and eventually you will learn how to protect yourself from, and identify, these monstrous narcissists. Then you will start to instinctively know who you can trust, and who you can't. There are lots of us survivors out there too. 🙏🏻💐🌼🕊️
10 years of call center work taught me to "glaze over" and just shut down/remove myself emotionally from people's screaming and cussing and personal attacks. Good lesson actually as I transferred that ability to the rest of my life and began to see the abusive people in my life in a new light. I knew I FELT abused by them but eventually shifted to "I sure as Hell don't need this in MY life." I went from feeling "then who will be my friend?" to "there are literally billions of other people on this planet, so why the "F" do I continue to allow this hateful idiot to affect MY life?" It's taken a couple of decades but once you begin that process of putting yourself first, it kinda' grows on yuh and as you begin to feel better about yourself you also begin to recognize the abusive crap a lot more easily and quickly. Trust me, when you see it coming It's a whole lot easier to side step it or block it or just turn and go another direction to avoid it entirely. It sure does make breathing a lot easier for me. (My main sense of self control is holding my breath which I began doing as a young child).
This explains so much as I was always super independent until a car accident forced me to move in with my family, and the emotional abuse in terms of gaslighting, shaming, blaming, invalidating and undermining from them made my mental health so bad I could barely function. So grateful to learn it’s not me and not who I am. I’m am very strong and capable. 💪🏼 Taking my true self back!! ❤Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I hear you! When we get injured or seriously ill they turn into complete predators! Well.. they already were. They just victimize us when we are at our lowest. Happened to me also!
Yes 💯. Not Interested in any relationship again but also don't trust casual conversation with anyone but here the thing. I'm fine with that. My entire goal and the only goal is never let these people back. Thank you.
Dr. Ramani's talks are like a hug for the soul ❤i don't where i would be without her calming and knowledgeable voice. It has been life changing to gain insight into my upbringing and what i was taught to tolerate. I'm finding my way through and am so grateful for her gift and the love of my friends ❤
My mom told me I should go to the gym because I could have a nice body if I tried (it didn't occur to me how weird that was in itself until typing it out;) after learning that exercise could help boost academic performance, I started going to the gym when at university. Then my mom asked if I was looking for attention next time she saw me. Lol going no contact was one of the best gifts I've ever given myself.
"There is no recognition [of the children] as separate human beings" "[The children are treated as] things to satisfy the narcissistic parent's wants and needs" Thank you for describing and validating the experience of everyone who grew up with a narcissist in a parental role.
Exactly iv given up walked out of last toxic job highly narcissistic once again but this time seen all un fold in 7 weeks then year at last one 5 years one befor that now no idea where I'm headed work for myself maybe been no job 2 months now amazing how calm I feel without the toxicity
I needed to hear this. I was never frightened she would leave. Actually wanted her to. But she kept begging and manipulating for us to continue. I just believed she would finally grow up and change one day. Of course it never happened. I care less about her being gone. I'm just very disappointed in myself that I wasted so much time thinking change was possible.
'Narcissistic abuse follows you into the future', until you put a stop to the cycle.' Lesson learned from a survivor of 59 years now. Both childhood & adulthood. Recognizing the cycle and the abusers MO is key to recovering for you. Until then, you are stuck as a 'ferret in a wheel'.
At 68 I am still a mess. Never was sexually intimate but I did have sex. Learned to hug touch and am ok with that. Never trusted anyone but my mom and brothers my daughter who betrayed me with a narcissist . I learned what I can trust in others. I still love others but at about an arms length . I am still learning to trust myself. But I know I’ve still have come a long way in my healings. It has always been a lonely existence.. but watcha gonna do.. one step at a time and hold tight to enjoyable moments. Ty Dr Ramani
A friend of mine had a Near Death Experience years ago. While on 'the other side,' he was told, "You are a great, mighty, spiritual person, with dignity, direction and purpose." He also has said, "If someone harms your dignity, it can skew your direction and then your purpose." I believe this is part of what you may be saying in this video. Just a thought.
OMG!! It's like you were in my room last night listening to me pour my heart out to God! I cried my self to sleep last night, over EVERYTHING you just went over!!!! He is so Blessed and living a rich and happy life. Even after years of him physically and mentally abusing me. I feel like I'm the one being punished. And like I can't do anything right😢😢😢
Having been married to a BPD with narcissistic traits as well, I have lived through pretty much everything Dr Ramini has listed. I am dumbfounded that everything I experienced is textbook trauma and that so many of us are experiencing this same thing! It’s scary how many narcissists there are out there. Now that I’m free, I want to stay home with my cats and stream Bridgerton! I’ll never have enough courage to start another relationship.
I was with my narc for over 40 years. I was calling a useless PC of shit for so long I started believing it myself. For so many years I've said that I would just assume get the physical abuse than being treated the way I was treated. Bruises disappear, but the hurt of the words never does. I never knew what a narcissist was, I was always calling toxic. Thank you Dr Ramani for opening my eyes. I have realized I deserve better, I now believe I am not this toxic person and I am a better person to myself.
Dr. Ramani, this episode was SO good! You described my life experience so well, and helped me see some of the resulting signs of the trauma. I am healing and finding my voice, and you've helped a lot! Thank you 😊
Thank you dr Ramani. Your videos are a great comfort in extremely painful days. Could you please make a video about us empaths feeling guilt after leaving a narcissist?
I’ve had that many narcissistic partners and each one presented so differently, making me think I finally dodged a narcissist, that now I stay away from relationships completely because I don’t trust my judgment. But when I look back, my gut instincts were strong, so maybe there is hope. Dr Ramani, you are our guardian angel, thank you
I have been listening to you for a couple years and this is HANDS DOWN the most clear, on-point presentation of what victims struggle with, and narcissism a practical level. Forwarding this to my kids! And I’m hoping they learn to recognize and navigate this now, and not in their 60s like me
14:20 Any attempt to express my needs was met with mocking and invalidation by one of the narcissistic parents. The rest of the family usually joined by adding extra humiliation and name calling.
Trusted all the wrong people, have been living largely in self isolation for many months. My therapist is leaving and it wasn't enough anyway - 30 minute sessions once every 2 weeks. I am not working and have no meaning and purpose. When my dog of 14 years died I had a nervous breakdown. Being an adult -- no family, 2 elderly narc parents, sibling died I believe she couldn't take the abuse anymore but I'll never know how it happened. I am feeling suicidal ideation. Thank you for being you and putting out this content. It means a lot.
Hang in there. Get another dog or cat so you'll have someone to love. Life is short anyway, find joy within yourself and animals and nature. Don't give these despicable humans the satisfaction of your suffering. Success is the best revenge. There's a lot of self help books out there in addition to Dr Ramani's, like Dr Gabor Maté and Bessel Van der Kolk. Know you're not alone, so many of us are in a similar situation, even Dr Ramani herself. No one is immune to narcissists ruining their life. Take care ❤🌹🍀
are you ok? wanna talk? don't let other people's choices shape your life... I've been through hell..and can see the way back.. want a seat next to me? :-)
I hear you. I had a complete breakdown at 25-31. I was lucky I had the best therapist and dragged myself out of the hole. Nobody cared what was happening to me, no support, nothing. An only child and both uncles both grandmothers died. Only my narc parents, all others estranged due to family rifts. Ended up in narc relationship and d.v., a bad job etc... I went back to school and got a degree and boy did that feel good after decades of feeling bad. What truly hurt was my mother. Mid breakdown, my mother made comments like what are you telling the therapist, what are you wearing, (new nex, now kicked to the kerb after the d.v.) are you having sex, are they married with a look of disdain and contempt, your degree didn't get you a better job did it. When I left the nex, she suggested I go back to them. Fast forward and now have medical trauma from a sugeon who disabled me and lies about it, denies it, my mother is at it again! Every devaluation going. What stopped my suicidal ideation (though it's always there) has been realising my poor pets would be left with her! and seeing her weeping by my grave saying something like 'I did everything I could'! In fact she once said that if someone she knew ended it she would know she had tried her best. Every day is a struggle of pain and illness but this woman and her husband are not going to win! YOU are worth breathing air as much as the next person, remember that. I don't know you but I do know that I care that you make it through the next day and the next and get your chance, you're worth that chance. Take it. Just getting up in the morning is a win! Thank you for your comment today. ✌
Yes. All of it. I am in a crisis moment now. I will be contacting my Dr's and get a therapist now or asap that understand this dynamics. Pray I fund the right person to help! Taking a breath and relax technique right now and settle at the moment. Then, call for help. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤ it's with my parents ( caregiver burnout with narc ect) and other relationships.
I definitely feel like part of the reason I'm kind of isolating is because of the fact that empathy is such a natural part of me.. at the moment I don't know that I can be inauthentic, so I'm just laying low while I do the healing work. Eventually I know I'll trust myself enough to see the red flags and leave much earlier, but for now, as you say, "alone is safe." Thank you for the work that you do, Dr. Ramani. You've played a major role in me safely getting out of my 10yr narcissistic relationship earlier this year & I'm forever grateful for you.
Dr Ramani, I just said to my wonderful therapist last week, as a child, my abusive, mentally ill parents, always left me feeling inside disappointed. There were no promises to me, in fact they rarely talked to me unless it was anger or command. As with two relationships I let go of. No fight, but always internally; feel disappointed. I could never let down people, I would walk through “fire.”: to not disappoint people.
After moving away from my narcissistic, toxic family, I tried to have a relationship. But somehow it seemed that I unconsciously chose only men who were very similar in mentality and behavior to my abusive father and brother. They even had the same smirks and tantrums :(
All of this rings so true. I've just realized that during and post- relationship EVERYTHING makes me afraid = massive lack of trust in myself, in my abilities, especially financially, lack of trust in a good God, in justice, in hope, in love . . . EVERYTHING makes me afraid, anxious, uncertain and ultimately depressed. EVERYTHING is excruciatingly hard. My health and the health of my kitties have taken a hit, my executive functioning too. I feel like I've lost everything. I feel like I've lost my very soul.
DEEP DEEP DIVE dr Ramani! Gonna take me some journaling to unpack it all. Been in counseling for more than 25 years and I see how the trauma component hasn’t really ever been addressed in a meaningful way. Thank you for the education and support. Ps. Loving your book!
Thank you so much for this Dr Ramni. This is exactly how I feel....both parents were narcissistic and my husband. I've been a solo parent for 7.5 years. But I find it impossible to ask for help, even though I desperately need it. I haven't got close relationships....because I can't afford to put myself out there like that. I need to be present for my kids, and that's my whole focus....
Fear of abandonment is less so for me. Fear of being let down repeatedly is what hurts more. Even when I try to let people in and give them small, perfectly do-able expectations to see if I can develop a better relationship with this person, they still manage to disappoint me. It's stunning how so little people care about others and how deeply self absorbed they can be. I guess I'll just be alone because at least at this stage all my decades of high functioning and doing everything myself has prepared me for further isolation. I don't trust anyone. I tried and it blew up in my face every single time. I don't want to try anymore either. That's just how I feel now. Keep to myself and heal as much as I can. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. This compilation had a lot of great information in it.
I left my job almost six months ago and I'm struggling with all of these aspects so much! It's been hard to become a freelancer because I doubt my capabilities and people. The good news is that now I know better and I will never again be in a narcissist relationship. It was my mother, then my husband, next this job. There won't be a fourth.
I don't know why my current therapist doesn't know about these behaviors and hasn't yet realized that it's actually what has been going on in my marriage and with my husband! I've been in it for so long that I was starting to lose hope in ever understanding what is really happening to me!! At times, I just thought I was losing my mind! Definitely have signs of ptsd after 30 years of verbal, emotional abuse, and gaslighting/manipulating!! Porn has played such a big role in it all but mostly the constant lying, pretending, being obsessed with what he wants and when he wants. When he doesn't want me, he just ingots my boundaries, etc. This is so unhealthy, and I know I need to get out!! Thank you for all your content!! It is helping me to see, It's not me! I will be getting your book soon. It's Not You. 😊
The most amazing moments in therapy was when a) my therapist told me that how they usually don't diagnose someone who is not in front of them.. But it's very clear that my mom is a full blown narcissist (and she thought I knew already but I always excused her "she's difficult because of her childhood") and the second revelation that "there's no happy ending" and it will hurt me to realize that. Boy, I cried and cried, mourning, griefing, accepted it and slowly changed my mind and behavior with usual fall backs... It took me two years to see entitlement and exploitative attitudes and run away in peace instead of trying to make them behave nicely (like I did with my mom). The worst part is losing trust and hope, I went through a depression as well until I go better. ❤
Being with a hard core, stinking and traumatised narcissist with all the unhealthy side pain symptoms in play also is like living in pure hell. I am out now and are slowly beginning to wake up to myself. However, the worst pain and sorrow for me is that I had to leave my seven-year-old daughter behind in another country far from me. My daughter is now living with her unempathic and revengeful narc mother. And I know that my daughter will be hurt and gradually destroyed and taken over by the narc toxicity transferred to my daughters body, brain, mind, heart, soul and spirit...its so heartbreaking ...I will call narcs abusive criminals
Dr. Ramani you are so right! Narcissistic abuse follows me to work. Just recently my new coworker who got along with me and this person had a smile on their face when I spoke to them. Suddenly one day when I was speaking to this same new coworker, there was an unexplainable change. My new coworker was serious and spoke to me in an angry tone of voice. I never did anything to this person. I didn't understand why the sudden change and I never will.
At around minute 14:00 Dr. Ramani speaks of silencing yourself and your needs as a child of narc parents- I did the opposite & ran off leaving them a note saying, “you have no idea what I’m capable of”. I hope they kept it somewhere safe and look at it.. I’ve been killing it at life since precisely BECAUSE I refused to silence myself. Of course I’m paying the price by being dissed & belittled by the rest of the family thanks to my narc parents but, living this way feels SO TRUE & it feels so good and light in my heart, soul & body.
How do you overcome when you realize that multiple friends did not have your back, where even the simplest version of friendship requires a very minimum of decency? A total stranger might tell you if you if they just saw your bracelet fall off, but your narc friend? Maybe not. And I don't always mean material items, although it could be, but everything and anything, such as when they see someone else very clearly doing something harmful to you, your home, your friendships, etc.
Excellent group of videos. I’ve been navigating my relationship with both my narcissistic daughters. No matter how I try to twist the facts, they are evil and use me when they can. These videos have helped me take care of myself for the first time in my life. I’m 75 years old. Thank you again Doctor.❤
I’ve been together with my husband for 26,5 years, before that we were collegues for 4 years. The first year we were a couple, we lived 600km apart, and only met a weekend a month. Those meetings were ”paradise”, and there were fabulous love letters. Now I think there must have been love bombing. Since 22 years, we have moved back to where he is from, 100km from my home town. Since we had children many years ago, (pr since we moved here, before the children), we quarrel a lot, about everything, things I didn’t know where things, that I now suspect was gaslighting (the moon is descending, not ascending! Don’t you see that this road is ascending, not descending?! Etc)and there is no communication about things on the farm that needs to be done, which is very stressful to me. If I ask what has been done and not, I get vague answers (”The animals are not thin.”)I have felt mocked when I have danced in the kitchen, so I stopped. When I have felt in danger (canoeing with snall children, car-rides in snow storms etc), I al over-reactimg or there is no possibility to do as I please (drive more slowly). Since many years now, I don’t like physical closeness. I feel that the need for attention, admiration etc (loong monologues, no questions, annoying ”hush!” if I comment) is soo tiring. I have had depression and anxiety and burn out, pains and aches. Now I often hear that I, as a wife, should care more for him, but I am just not able to! The demands still lake me feel like a horrible person. Am I? Do I have to be caring to someone that I feel have not been nice to be?
You are NOT a horrible person, HE is! You should care for yourself! Watch all of Dr Ramani's videos and look up Dr Gabor Maté on the Channel "Your Inner Child Matters" and read his book "When the body says no" and learn as much as you can. If you keep going the way you are you will get very sick, cancer or auto immune disease. Trust me, I am speaking from experience. This guy doesn't love you and you owe him NOTHING. You should move on and find happiness within yourself, in animals and nature. Life is too short, read Oliver Burkeman's "Four thousand weeks". Do you really want to waste your time left on this earth on a waste of oxygen like this man. Put yourself first and move on, for the sake of your health. I too am looking after a disabled man who abused me emotionally for years. Now he can't talk. Yay! One of these days he will end up in residential care. And yes, I too feel guilty because in the beginning it was nice, it always is, until it isn't! Take care. I hope things will work out for you. If you can't leave him, for whatever reason, at least use radical acceptance, Dr Ramani often talks about it. You disengage from him, you know what he's like, do not respond to his cruelty and look for kindness and support in others. ❤🌹🍀
this video came at the right time, as i'm currently connecting the dots between my father's behavior and my ex narcissistic boyfriend's. i can see how my father primed me to accept mistreatment. i see him in many of the listed behaviors. however, i don't think my dad is narcissistic. i would be interested in learning more about "antagonistic" people as i dont know much about that in theory and can see so many overlaps with narcissism.
"Not upholding the fundamental duties of a relationship." Yep. That about sums it up. Probably why every narcissist I've ever known said not to have *any* expectations. Eg. No expectation is too low for them to fail in meeting it.
In my case everyone tried to warn me away from this person but I thought my capacity to endure suffering was far greater than anything they could do. But the emotional emptiness even in the face of acceptable behaviour was just too depressing to deal with.
After a lifetime of brutal parental narcissitic abuse and decades of therapy, now I'm my forties I find myself with no empathy for others or for myself, I only feel anger. Dr. Ramani can you make a video about how to show empathy to ourselves without feeling that we're just victims? It would be deeply appreciate it
I am currently seeing a therapist who is causing me to doubt myself and my way of dealing with abuse issues by saying I'm" giving away my power" when I confront the abuser( via gestalt), or the issues of betrayel by abusive people, with anger ...or just getting pissed off about it. I will have to end this therapist / client relationship as it is undermining my credibility. It also wears away my ability to trust the therapist, as I thought therapists were supposed to support their clients. A sad loss for both of us.
Unfortunately, therapists jobs are not to support us, it’s to get us in a place where we can be productive to capitalism. 99% of them do not care at all about their clients, they often hate them and talk badly about them with their coworkers. I’ve seen it. I’ve never met any medical professional as kind as Dr. Ramani in real life. There’s so many awful therapists these days I’d swear they don’t actually go to school, they just buy their degree. It’s a hard pill to swallow that a large portion of the medical community, not just therapists, are exactly of the same mindset as the people who broke us, that’s why so many therapists and doctors victim blame. I did a program for researchers out of a medical school this year, and I haven’t been around people with malignant egos like that since I was forced to live with my abuser as a kid. I was so triggered every day and started up with old bad habits to cope. You know how people say ACAB? All cops are bad? That’s how I feel about the medical community. They’re all bad cause they’re trained bad, and then they never question what they’re doing because they’re easily brainwashed and don’t have the mental capacity for deep thought. Id personally be questioning why the standard is to tell an 8 year old “dad is right, the phone does work both ways. A parent child relationship is a two way street” or “but did you lead your uncle on?” Like no! Why does a small child have any responsibility in an interaction with adult men?
I'm only 16 minutes into this video and I've already written down three notes and had a realization: I was/am not as defiant as I was made to believe, but rather I was trying to be myself while in the midst of narcissistic abuse and therefore punished for being a separate person. 🤦♀️ I have to come back later, after I process this. Thanks, Dr. Ramani! ❤
It's a great blessing to understand you are in this position, why, because you can find yourself again. Let go walk away. Nothing will change. Thank you so very much. It was sad you shocked me... but it is enabling TO KNOW ! 5:45
I have been watching your videos for about a year now and I can't thank you enough for the work you do. I was severely betrayed by a childhood friend a few years ago because she spread false rumors about me and your videos have helped me both heal and understand fully what happened to me. You are a lifesaver Dr. Ramani and I hope you continue to do this and help others, thank you.
Almost every single word you spoke described my experience and the effects. Try explaining this to a therapist without getting side tracked 🤔, just so good to hear someone say it for me to me. That understanding means a whole lot Dr Ramani Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤.
I spent my entire adult life 30 years being let down constantly and learned how to do everything myself and as a byproduct I almost never ask anything of others. I guess it's a coping skill but it also means I don't trust other people to do things.
Wooo...the way God saved me from so much. How He healed me and built me up from what I was so ignorant of. Praying for all those that are in their healing journey.
I am a Romanian woman living in Belgium and i left my ex narc 6 months ago after 7years of mental hell. I couldn't have done it without listening to you, Dr. Ramani. Thank you!!
Congratulations! Hope you’re doing well now ✊👌I’m still in mine waiting for the nearest exit 😊
God bless you dear one. Trust in God only who really loves you 🙏 be happy in God
Also Romanian here, but living in England. I had a similar experience over many years, in almost all my long term relationships. I always ignored the red flags, and I didn't know any better, ab*se was all I knew from my childhood. Now I'm single and I have been ab*se free for years! Please stay STRONG and NO CONTACT!!!!
@uzmazaidi2887 please try sooner than later, I've been single for a few years and I'm still self doubting and healing
It takes a very long time to get back to normal, if that is even possible
A narcissistic relationship is a "study in dissappointment". So very true.
Bravo to this genius of a caring expert. This is a good quote.
What just burned itself onto my brain forever- "Narcissistic relationships are where trust goes to die"
Wow. That pretty much sums it up.
@@donnamorley1040 Absolutely and coming to terms with a reality that wasn't real
😢@@Soleil_Lumiere
@@Soleil_Lumiere- & death of our souls
These days are hard to find real people, narcs are abundantly spread.
I heard someone saying that American culture creates narcissistic citizens.
I always thought they grow as arrogant people because of the culture as well.
I told someone I don’t want to even try to make a friend anymore, because I don’t TRUST ANYBODY.
💯
I don't trust anybody, either.
Same here.
I have surface friends. No one I can REALLY share with. But they are good for a laugh occasionally. You don't have to trust 100% there are degrees to trust. God bless.❤
Darling let go.. you can start to live again, you do it. 10:07
Narcs ask you most of the time to do something for them. They treat you like a servant. You on the other side are conditioned to do it all by yourself and wont even ask for help.
That’s me.
Yes!!! I started to realise this many years into the relationship so started to call it out as 'bossy' behaviour whenever it happened. It struck me as really interesting that I hadn't noticed previously (just how much my pleasing was on autopilot). It's very funny to watch them scramble for excuses when you call it out 'oh, but you're closer, I would do it for you, or if I was sitting there and the dog wasn't resting next to me...'
@jilross4892
Agreed 👍 Including even taking care of My own sexual needs. He certainly never understood what it takes!!
Groping and hurting you, isn't going to work. My Ex thought it would turn Me on 🤦♀️ Thanks to Porn. Those poor women who do that for a living have to be desperate for the money. They aren't groaning in pleasure, they are in pain. ❤️🩹
This world is full of evil people. Find Safe People 🙏 ❤️ and don't put up with people who don't treat you with respect. They aren't worth your Soul being high jacked!
30 years taught Me a lot and I'm so glad God opened My eyes and I got out! 🙌 🙌
If you can get out Run! You will never regret it. We all deserve to be treated with love and respect. Best of luck to Everyone who is trying to leave or has found freedom from the abusive narcissist.
I'm so happy you found your freedom 💛 !
My mother did everything because it allowed her to control, then moaned about it. My father the worst of the two expected a wife like that but she took that initiative regardless because it gave her the control over him and me and the perception of the good wife. Now he can't function without her and when I left home I didn't have a clue how to do anything! My next who has traits like her was the same (I didn't realise at the time), I wasn't allowed to cook, do washing, decorate, nothing. What both did expect is total compliance. They control their world's by making those around them incapable and tied to them. Left me thinking I couldn't make it without them. Add in the criticisms, put downs, passive aggression, guiltily, gaslighting. Invisible chains. Far more damaging to me that my father's overt rage and aggression. My ex turned violent and I got out. There are different forms of how they control.
@@bereal6590 thats horrible indeed, thats where it starts in most cases. In the home. Try to do things on your own and when you need help ask someone. You can do it👍
Listening to your own body helps.
Yes. This is very true
Certainly
💯 you're body will sound the alarms.
I’ve been in a narcissistic relationship since I was 19. I’m now 50. It feels like this is all I’ve known all my adult life. I grieve for all the lost time and opportunities and for the betrayal. Only thing that rescued be somewhat was education and faith. Much love to Dr. Ramani and other survivors out there ❤✊❤✊
I can totally relate. I'm 50 now too. I'm haunted by wasting 1000's of hours of conversation hoping satan would change. Excuse me I meant she would change, grow and mature. May God bless you and increase your strength, love and peace!🙏
I can't relate. I am happy that you are free from that abuse. it's hard for me to understand how narcissists are tolerated. it's my shortcoming ill admit but when I was young I developed a pervasive intolerance for b.s. maybe I should thank my parents for that.
Same. I grieve wasted years and opportunities…lost trust… life could be so different…and i owe my new life to Dr. Ramani❤
@@theothercheek777 Hmmm. Interesting. What's your reason for consuming narcissistic content? Have you ever had a narcissistic relationship?
@@d.c.9854 I live in america
With a narcissist, there is no trust. All you can do is find workarounds where you do all the work, and they’re never around.
At this point, I prefer him to NOT be around! He is exhausting and depressing to be around.
@@annjohnson8437 The narcissist is inattentive, absent, neglectful, and in every way not there for you.
"workarounds" is a good way to put it.
I love this!
I found that a way to heal is to find people who are worthy of my trust even as I am worthy of their trust.
This is SO true. With two narc parents and a violent psychopath older brother, I learned I had to be invisible. To be noticed was to be blocked and attacked. Best not to be seen at all. It does not lead to success in life, jobs, frienship and relationships etc.
I'm so sorry you had to live through such hell.
Yes! I totally know what you mean.
Wow! I did the same thing growing up and even now as an adult.
I feel you. It must have been hell. Know that you are not alone
Same except my brother wasn’t a psycho psychopath, just very angry. Also stopped hating me the day he left home away from our covert mother
Extreme Hypervigilance becomes a way of life
It does.
Every time I watch one of these videos im astounded at how you describe my exact experiences and, somehow it STILL surprises me.
You are likely surprised, as I continue to be, that our sense of isolation and confusion, is a common experience for so many. It seems impossible that we felt so incredibly ALONE in our lives with the narc, but now we see, we were not alone! At least, that's how I perceive it! All the best to you! ❤
Nothing haunts you more than learning how it could have been.
Many people develop a deep love for What Should Have Been.
@@WritingArcadia I interntionally chose "Could," because no matter how hard I wish, dream, and try to manifest it in reality, nothing is ever a "Should" when involving another person. No matter who I am or who I become, no matter the sadness sufferend - I don't get to set imperitives in another person's life.
That's what THEY think. That's how THEY act.
@@Play-All-The-Games I apply "What Should Have Been" to the situation as opposed to applying it to the people. So, basically, having an affinity for a version of the past with completely different people: people who were kind by default instead of people who were cruel by default.
A narcissistic relationship is where trust goes to die...you lose trust in life itself most notably loss of our own trust in ourselves.... basically an existential loss of trust"
Wisely said.
He yelled at me "you will never find a man like me again"... back then percieved it as a threat and questioned to die lonely.
Today I think "I really hope so"
YES 🙌
Once again, Dr. Ramini nailed it. Loss of trust is the blast zone from being exposed to the narcissist and their enablers.
💯
Yep, one of my kids once told me if something happened to their dad they wanted me to marry again so I could be happy. Nope. Don’t need a man to be happy. No chances of losing myself in another again.
@@appaloosa42i dont understand people that think they need to be in a relationship to enjoy life
@@goldbrick2563 some of us old women were taught our place was to make a home for a man and his children. Lots of women used their talents to do that ( doing it right aint easy !!) but a certain segment of the culture felt they needed us to generate corporate income and taxes more than our homes needed us.
I could be happy either way… just didn’t understand that the dysfunctional family I married into was run by a narcissist who raised narcissist twins! Thank God the worse one wasn’t interested!
My mother always speaks with pride about when I was a little girl, I used to play hours and hours by myself in my room. I hate to draw any kind of attention (even in my 50s), even if positive. I'm most comfortable when I'm not seen.
I can identify with you! ❤🌹🍀
Yes can be a very lonely childhood
“I’m safe when I’m invisible” is how I lived most of my life.
Same here ❤ It turned into maladaptive daydreaming and a subconscious need to find a rescuer which only exposed me to more narcissists.
@@Jess-kn8vl I'm a chronic daydreamer, still!!! 😆
This makes me want to cry because I feel exactly everything that you’re talking about. I never knew me. I was abused as a child and I went right into an abusive marriage at 16 years old. Had kids stayed with him for 37 years. He was very abusive, both mentally emotionally physically sexually everything And now my kids don’t talk to me although I always thought I was a good mom. Yes, I made mistakes but I always felt like I was there for them. In hindsight now I wished I never would’ve stayed with him. I thought I was doing good for the kids, but now I know I wasn’t. It was more harmful to them than helpful, I am working on myself now going to counseling, but you were spot on what you’re saying how narcissistic abuse follows you. I thought once I left my ex-husband I would be good but it’s not that easy trauma follows me into my daily life. It affects everything I do, but I’m working on it day by day, finding my own voice, knowing who I am and just taking it one day at a time. Thank you for sharing these videos they make me feel that I’m not crazy and I’m not alone in this fight.
I see you and understand the pain that you have suffered throughout your life. Me too. A 75, I am finally beginning to know my authentic self. Dr. Ramani‘s videos and a few others I have found on TH-cam have literally saved my life. Sending you a warm hug and a heart filled with hope for you and me.❤
I love you. You matter
You are just the right amount of "crazy" but as Johnny Depp said as the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland. All the best people are. Hugs
@@beverlyadams7205 Thank you.
@@dougcoleman8972 Thank you.
You better hold back on your empathy with a narcissist until you get out. That's what they prey on at any level. You cannot radically accept if you continue to cater to their needs as it will keep you in the trauma bond.
There are many narcissist in the church! They love to sing so they can be seen & heard. They want ppl to think they're such good ppl. If they're not seen or heard they won't do anything. They must get their supply!!!
I have lost that, trusting myself, afraid of everyone.
Oh no. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I felt this way, and sometimes I still trust the wrong people, but I am pleading with you not to give up trusting yourself. It feels impossible at first, and you will probably need a very clued in therapist to help you, but in time you can regain trust in your own opinions, choices etc. and eventually you will learn how to protect yourself from, and identify, these monstrous narcissists. Then you will start to instinctively know who you can trust, and who you can't. There are lots of us survivors out there too. 🙏🏻💐🌼🕊️
Do you ever have. Face time intervention 24:12 24:15 . To help in assaying what method of approach for treatment.
May you find one person who is truly worthy of trust.
10 years of call center work taught me to "glaze over" and just shut down/remove myself emotionally from people's screaming and cussing and personal attacks. Good lesson actually as I transferred that ability to the rest of my life and began to see the abusive people in my life in a new light. I knew I FELT abused by them but eventually shifted to "I sure as Hell don't need this in MY life." I went from feeling "then who will be my friend?" to "there are literally billions of other people on this planet, so why the "F" do I continue to allow this hateful idiot to affect MY life?" It's taken a couple of decades but once you begin that process of putting yourself first, it kinda' grows on yuh and as you begin to feel better about yourself you also begin to recognize the abusive crap a lot more easily and quickly. Trust me, when you see it coming It's a whole lot easier to side step it or block it or just turn and go another direction to avoid it entirely. It sure does make breathing a lot easier for me. (My main sense of self control is holding my breath which I began doing as a young child).
Yes, we Hold our Breath. And, it's not healthy. 💜
GREAT MESSAGE 💜🕊️🙏
It made me absent minded because i was constantly making myself close my ears and mind to shut down.
This explains so much as I was always super independent until a car accident forced me to move in with my family, and the emotional abuse in terms of gaslighting, shaming, blaming, invalidating and undermining from them made my mental health so bad I could barely function. So grateful to learn it’s not me and not who I am. I’m am very strong and capable. 💪🏼 Taking my true self back!! ❤Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I hear you! When we get injured or seriously ill they turn into complete predators! Well.. they already were. They just victimize us when we are at our lowest. Happened to me also!
I think my mother, husband, mother in law and daughter are narcissists and I wonder if I become one as well.
I was losing myself in those toxic relationships
Yes, my life (at 48 yrs) is just one big let-down after another........👍❤
Yes 💯. Not Interested in any relationship again but also don't trust casual conversation with anyone but here the thing. I'm fine with that. My entire goal and the only goal is never let these people back. Thank you.
Dr. Ramani's talks are like a hug for the soul ❤i don't where i would be without her calming and knowledgeable voice. It has been life changing to gain insight into my upbringing and what i was taught to tolerate. I'm finding my way through and am so grateful for her gift and the love of my friends ❤
I don't trust anybody. That's how it follows you.
My mom told me I should go to the gym because I could have a nice body if I tried (it didn't occur to me how weird that was in itself until typing it out;) after learning that exercise could help boost academic performance, I started going to the gym when at university. Then my mom asked if I was looking for attention next time she saw me. Lol going no contact was one of the best gifts I've ever given myself.
"There is no recognition [of the children] as separate human beings"
"[The children are treated as] things to satisfy the narcissistic parent's wants and needs"
Thank you for describing and validating the experience of everyone who grew up with a narcissist in a parental role.
An extreme narcissistic boss will make some afraid of job searching again
Exactly iv given up walked out of last toxic job highly narcissistic once again but this time seen all un fold in 7 weeks then year at last one 5 years one befor that now no idea where I'm headed work for myself maybe been no job 2 months now amazing how calm I feel without the toxicity
What a stellar breakdown of my struggles. Thank you so much Dr Ramani.
I like the distinction here presented by Dr Ramani between intimacy and false intimacy. That one is excellent.
I needed to hear this. I was never frightened she would leave. Actually wanted her to. But she kept begging and manipulating for us to continue. I just believed she would finally grow up and change one day. Of course it never happened. I care less about her being gone. I'm just very disappointed in myself that I wasted so much time thinking change was possible.
Dr Ramani dropping the TRUTHS in this one, WOW!! So many spot-on moments, I'm going to have to replay this one multiple times.
'Narcissistic abuse follows you into the future', until you put a stop to the cycle.'
Lesson learned from a survivor of 59 years now. Both childhood & adulthood.
Recognizing the cycle and the abusers MO is key to recovering for you.
Until then, you are stuck as a 'ferret in a wheel'.
At 68 I am still a mess. Never was sexually intimate but I did have sex. Learned to hug touch and am ok with that. Never trusted anyone but my mom and brothers my daughter who betrayed me with a narcissist . I learned what I can trust in others. I still love others but at about an arms length . I am still learning to trust myself. But I know I’ve still have come a long way in my healings. It has always been a lonely existence.. but watcha gonna do.. one step at a time and hold tight to enjoyable moments. Ty Dr Ramani
A friend of mine had a Near Death Experience years ago. While on 'the other side,' he was told, "You are a great, mighty, spiritual person, with dignity, direction and purpose." He also has said, "If someone harms your dignity, it can skew your direction and then your purpose." I believe this is part of what you may be saying in this video. Just a thought.
I used to work with an individual whose motto was: "Trust no one, suspect everyone" I am beginning to believe he was correct.
I had an ex whose motto was "Do unto others before they do unto you"
I trust you, Dr. Ramani. You are truly a beautiful gift to humanity. Thank you. 💗
OMG!! It's like you were in my room last night listening to me pour my heart out to God! I cried my self to sleep last night, over EVERYTHING you just went over!!!! He is so Blessed and living a rich and happy life. Even after years of him physically and mentally abusing me. I feel like I'm the one being punished. And like I can't do anything right😢😢😢
Having been married to a BPD with narcissistic traits as well, I have lived through pretty much everything Dr Ramini has listed. I am dumbfounded that everything I experienced is textbook trauma and that so many of us are experiencing this same thing! It’s scary how many narcissists there are out there. Now that I’m free, I want to stay home with my cats and stream Bridgerton! I’ll never have enough courage to start another relationship.
I was with my narc for over 40 years. I was calling a useless PC of shit for so long I started believing it myself. For so many years I've said that I would just assume get the physical abuse than being treated the way I was treated. Bruises disappear, but the hurt of the words never does. I never knew what a narcissist was, I was always calling toxic. Thank you Dr Ramani for opening my eyes. I have realized I deserve better, I now believe I am not this toxic person and I am a better person to myself.
It was exhausting proving myself doing things unacceptable
Dr. Ramani, this episode was SO good! You described my life experience so well, and helped me see some of the resulting signs of the trauma. I am healing and finding my voice, and you've helped a lot! Thank you 😊
Thank you dr Ramani. Your videos are a great comfort in extremely painful days. Could you please make a video about us empaths feeling guilt after leaving a narcissist?
You can love someone and realize you cant help them. But you can love them ❤
I’ve had that many narcissistic partners and each one presented so differently, making me think I finally dodged a narcissist, that now I stay away from relationships completely because I don’t trust my judgment. But when I look back, my gut instincts were strong, so maybe there is hope. Dr Ramani, you are our guardian angel, thank you
Sounds like my story: I can relate!
I have been listening to you for a couple years and this is HANDS DOWN the most clear, on-point presentation of what victims struggle with, and narcissism a practical level. Forwarding this to my kids! And I’m hoping they learn to recognize and navigate this now, and not in their 60s like me
4mins 40 secs 🔥
The bulk of my current friendships are transactional.
Thank you dr Ramani ❤ I really liked the advice to try the empathy for yourself and see how it feels. We need our empathy for ourselves to heal.
14:20 Any attempt to express my needs was met with mocking and invalidation by one of the narcissistic parents. The rest of the family usually joined by adding extra humiliation and name calling.
Same.
@@LUA_LUA_LUAme too!
MY story too 🙏🕊️💜
MY story too 🙏🕊️💜
Trusted all the wrong people, have been living largely in self isolation for many months. My therapist is leaving and it wasn't enough anyway - 30 minute sessions once every 2 weeks. I am not working and have no meaning and purpose. When my dog of 14 years died I had a nervous breakdown. Being an adult -- no family, 2 elderly narc parents, sibling died I believe she couldn't take the abuse anymore but I'll never know how it happened. I am feeling suicidal ideation.
Thank you for being you and putting out this content. It means a lot.
Hang in there. Get another dog or cat so you'll have someone to love. Life is short anyway, find joy within yourself and animals and nature. Don't give these despicable humans the satisfaction of your suffering. Success is the best revenge. There's a lot of self help books out there in addition to Dr Ramani's, like Dr Gabor Maté and Bessel Van der Kolk. Know you're not alone, so many of us are in a similar situation, even Dr Ramani herself. No one is immune to narcissists ruining their life. Take care ❤🌹🍀
are you ok? wanna talk? don't let other people's choices shape your life... I've been through hell..and can see the way back.. want a seat next to me? :-)
I hear you. I had a complete breakdown at 25-31. I was lucky I had the best therapist and dragged myself out of the hole. Nobody cared what was happening to me, no support, nothing. An only child and both uncles both grandmothers died. Only my narc parents, all others estranged due to family rifts. Ended up in narc relationship and d.v., a bad job etc... I went back to school and got a degree and boy did that feel good after decades of feeling bad. What truly hurt was my mother. Mid breakdown, my mother made comments like what are you telling the therapist, what are you wearing, (new nex, now kicked to the kerb after the d.v.) are you having sex, are they married with a look of disdain and contempt, your degree didn't get you a better job did it. When I left the nex, she suggested I go back to them. Fast forward and now have medical trauma from a sugeon who disabled me and lies about it, denies it, my mother is at it again! Every devaluation going. What stopped my suicidal ideation (though it's always there) has been realising my poor pets would be left with her! and seeing her weeping by my grave saying something like 'I did everything I could'! In fact she once said that if someone she knew ended it she would know she had tried her best. Every day is a struggle of pain and illness but this woman and her husband are not going to win! YOU are worth breathing air as much as the next person, remember that. I don't know you but I do know that I care that you make it through the next day and the next and get your chance, you're worth that chance. Take it. Just getting up in the morning is a win! Thank you for your comment today. ✌
Yes. All of it. I am in a crisis moment now. I will be contacting my Dr's and get a therapist now or asap that understand this dynamics. Pray I fund the right person to help! Taking a breath and relax technique right now and settle at the moment. Then, call for help. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤ it's with my parents ( caregiver burnout with narc ect) and other relationships.
I really needed to hear this. It gets so confusing...even when I KNOW what's up, I still flip to shame and self-question. Thank you, Dr Ramani
Trust is like virginity ,it can only be lost once .
I definitely feel like part of the reason I'm kind of isolating is because of the fact that empathy is such a natural part of me.. at the moment I don't know that I can be inauthentic, so I'm just laying low while I do the healing work. Eventually I know I'll trust myself enough to see the red flags and leave much earlier, but for now, as you say, "alone is safe."
Thank you for the work that you do, Dr. Ramani. You've played a major role in me safely getting out of my 10yr narcissistic relationship earlier this year & I'm forever grateful for you.
Dr Ramani is the truth. For years. Speaking our experiences.💜💜💜
Dr Ramani, I just said to my wonderful therapist last week, as a child, my abusive, mentally ill parents, always left me feeling inside disappointed. There were no promises to me, in fact they rarely talked to me unless it was anger or command. As with two relationships I let go of. No fight, but always internally; feel disappointed. I could never let down people, I would walk through “fire.”: to not disappoint people.
People pleasing will make you sick. Read Dr Gabor Mate's "When the body says no" Good luck ❤🌹🍀
Every time I listen to this beautiful lady I learn something new…
Thank you 🙏 ❤
After moving away from my narcissistic, toxic family, I tried to have a relationship. But somehow it seemed that I unconsciously chose only men who were very similar in mentality and behavior to my abusive father and brother. They even had the same smirks and tantrums :(
Me too I thought the more I heal I will meet good people but it seems there are only monsters everywhere it's so fustrating
Narcissism is rewarded in our society.
After growing up with a narcissistic mother and ex, the only things I Trust is Myself and Animals ❤
Wow…! Just when I can’t explain the feeling… your video finds its way to me! 🔥
All of THIS 💯‼️. It's a daily healing struggle ... sometimes hourly !
All of this rings so true. I've just realized that during and post- relationship EVERYTHING makes me afraid = massive lack of trust in myself, in my abilities, especially financially, lack of trust in a good God, in justice, in hope, in love . . . EVERYTHING makes me afraid, anxious, uncertain and ultimately depressed. EVERYTHING is excruciatingly hard. My health and the health of my kitties have taken a hit, my executive functioning too. I feel like I've lost everything. I feel like I've lost my very soul.
DEEP DEEP DIVE dr Ramani! Gonna take me some journaling to unpack it all.
Been in counseling for more than 25 years and I see how the trauma component hasn’t really ever been addressed in a meaningful way.
Thank you for the education and support.
Ps. Loving your book!
Thank you so much for this Dr Ramni. This is exactly how I feel....both parents were narcissistic and my husband. I've been a solo parent for 7.5 years. But I find it impossible to ask for help, even though I desperately need it. I haven't got close relationships....because I can't afford to put myself out there like that. I need to be present for my kids, and that's my whole focus....
Fear of abandonment is less so for me. Fear of being let down repeatedly is what hurts more. Even when I try to let people in and give them small, perfectly do-able expectations to see if I can develop a better relationship with this person, they still manage to disappoint me. It's stunning how so little people care about others and how deeply self absorbed they can be. I guess I'll just be alone because at least at this stage all my decades of high functioning and doing everything myself has prepared me for further isolation. I don't trust anyone. I tried and it blew up in my face every single time. I don't want to try anymore either. That's just how I feel now. Keep to myself and heal as much as I can.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. This compilation had a lot of great information in it.
I am right there with yuh.
I left my job almost six months ago and I'm struggling with all of these aspects so much! It's been hard to become a freelancer because I doubt my capabilities and people. The good news is that now I know better and I will never again be in a narcissist relationship. It was my mother, then my husband, next this job. There won't be a fourth.
I don't know why my current therapist doesn't know about these behaviors and hasn't yet realized that it's actually what has been going on in my marriage and with my husband!
I've been in it for so long that I was starting to lose hope in ever understanding what is really happening to me!! At times, I just thought I was losing my mind! Definitely have signs of ptsd after 30 years of verbal, emotional abuse, and gaslighting/manipulating!! Porn has played such a big role in it all but mostly the constant lying, pretending, being obsessed with what he wants and when he wants. When he doesn't want me, he just ingots my boundaries, etc. This is so unhealthy, and I know I need to get out!!
Thank you for all your content!! It is helping me to see, It's not me! I will be getting your book soon. It's Not You. 😊
The most amazing moments in therapy was when a) my therapist told me that how they usually don't diagnose someone who is not in front of them.. But it's very clear that my mom is a full blown narcissist (and she thought I knew already but I always excused her "she's difficult because of her childhood") and the second revelation that "there's no happy ending" and it will hurt me to realize that.
Boy, I cried and cried, mourning, griefing, accepted it and slowly changed my mind and behavior with usual fall backs... It took me two years to see entitlement and exploitative attitudes and run away in peace instead of trying to make them behave nicely (like I did with my mom).
The worst part is losing trust and hope, I went through a depression as well until I go better. ❤
Being with a hard core, stinking and traumatised narcissist with all the unhealthy side pain symptoms in play also is like living in pure hell. I am out now and are slowly beginning to wake up to myself. However, the worst pain and sorrow for me is that I had to leave my seven-year-old daughter behind in another country far from me. My daughter is now living with her unempathic and revengeful narc mother. And I know that my daughter will be hurt and gradually destroyed and taken over by the narc toxicity transferred to my daughters body, brain, mind, heart, soul and spirit...its so heartbreaking ...I will call narcs abusive criminals
Dr. Ramani you are so right! Narcissistic abuse follows me to work. Just recently my new coworker who got along with me and this person had a smile on their face when I spoke to them. Suddenly one day when I was speaking to this same new coworker, there was an unexplainable change. My new coworker was serious and spoke to me in an angry tone of voice. I never did anything to this person. I didn't understand why the sudden change and I never will.
Thank You So Much Dr. Ramani!!! So Very Very True!!!🎉❣️
Much love and respect, Dr.R. Your info is spot on. ❤️❤️❤️
At around minute 14:00 Dr. Ramani speaks of silencing yourself and your needs as a child of narc parents- I did the opposite & ran off leaving them a note saying, “you have no idea what I’m capable of”. I hope they kept it somewhere safe and look at it.. I’ve been killing it at life since precisely BECAUSE I refused to silence myself. Of course I’m paying the price by being dissed & belittled by the rest of the family thanks to my narc parents but, living this way feels SO TRUE & it feels so good and light in my heart, soul & body.
Thank you for this video,your knowledge has saved me from my issues with self blaming & self gaslighting.
0:29 Trust Issues
10:29 Intimacy Issues
18:31 Low self-esteem
26:41 Fear of being let down
26:41 Holding back on empathy
How do you overcome when you realize that multiple friends did not have your back, where even the simplest version of friendship requires a very minimum of decency? A total stranger might tell you if you if they just saw your bracelet fall off, but your narc friend? Maybe not. And I don't always mean material items, although it could be, but everything and anything, such as when they see someone else very clearly doing something harmful to you, your home, your friendships, etc.
Excellent group of videos. I’ve been navigating my relationship with both my narcissistic daughters. No matter how I try to twist the facts, they are evil and use me when they can. These videos have helped me take care of myself for the first time in my life. I’m 75 years old. Thank you again Doctor.❤
This is the best video to date!!
This resonates deeply. The all-encompassing loss of trust is a major piece, worst of all trust in yourself.
I’ve been together with my husband for 26,5 years, before that we were collegues for 4 years. The first year we were a couple, we lived 600km apart, and only met a weekend a month. Those meetings were ”paradise”, and there were fabulous love letters. Now I think there must have been love bombing. Since 22 years, we have moved back to where he is from, 100km from my home town. Since we had children many years ago, (pr since we moved here, before the children), we quarrel a lot, about everything, things I didn’t know where things, that I now suspect was gaslighting (the moon is descending, not ascending! Don’t you see that this road is ascending, not descending?! Etc)and there is no communication about things on the farm that needs to be done, which is very stressful to me. If I ask what has been done and not, I get vague answers (”The animals are not thin.”)I have felt mocked when I have danced in the kitchen, so I stopped. When I have felt in danger (canoeing with snall children, car-rides in snow storms etc), I al over-reactimg or there is no possibility to do as I please (drive more slowly). Since many years now, I don’t like physical closeness. I feel that the need for attention, admiration etc (loong monologues, no questions, annoying ”hush!” if I comment) is soo tiring. I have had depression and anxiety and burn out, pains and aches. Now I often hear that I, as a wife, should care more for him, but I am just not able to! The demands still lake me feel like a horrible person. Am I? Do I have to be caring to someone that I feel have not been nice to be?
You are NOT a horrible person, HE is! You should care for yourself! Watch all of Dr Ramani's videos and look up Dr Gabor Maté on the Channel "Your Inner Child Matters" and read his book "When the body says no" and learn as much as you can. If you keep going the way you are you will get very sick, cancer or auto immune disease. Trust me, I am speaking from experience. This guy doesn't love you and you owe him NOTHING. You should move on and find happiness within yourself, in animals and nature. Life is too short, read Oliver Burkeman's "Four thousand weeks". Do you really want to waste your time left on this earth on a waste of oxygen like this man. Put yourself first and move on, for the sake of your health. I too am looking after a disabled man who abused me emotionally for years. Now he can't talk. Yay! One of these days he will end up in residential care. And yes, I too feel guilty because in the beginning it was nice, it always is, until it isn't! Take care. I hope things will work out for you. If you can't leave him, for whatever reason, at least use radical acceptance, Dr Ramani often talks about it. You disengage from him, you know what he's like, do not respond to his cruelty and look for kindness and support in others. ❤🌹🍀
Commenting so the algorithm reaches the people who need to hear you like I most needed to hear you Dr Ramani❤
this video came at the right time, as i'm currently connecting the dots between my father's behavior and my ex narcissistic boyfriend's. i can see how my father primed me to accept mistreatment. i see him in many of the listed behaviors. however, i don't think my dad is narcissistic. i would be interested in learning more about "antagonistic" people as i dont know much about that in theory and can see so many overlaps with narcissism.
"Not upholding the fundamental duties of a relationship." Yep. That about sums it up. Probably why every narcissist I've ever known said not to have *any* expectations. Eg. No expectation is too low for them to fail in meeting it.
In my case everyone tried to warn me away from this person but I thought my capacity to endure suffering was far greater than anything they could do. But the emotional emptiness even in the face of acceptable behaviour was just too depressing to deal with.
Post narcissistic abuse: Emotionally feel like a former shell of your old self.
After a lifetime of brutal parental narcissitic abuse and decades of therapy, now I'm my forties I find myself with no empathy for others or for myself, I only feel anger. Dr. Ramani can you make a video about how to show empathy to ourselves without feeling that we're just victims? It would be deeply appreciate it
This is GOLD. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Saving this one.
I am currently seeing a therapist who is causing me to doubt myself and my way of dealing with abuse issues by saying I'm" giving away my power" when I confront the abuser( via gestalt), or the issues of betrayel by abusive people, with anger ...or just getting pissed off about it. I will have to end this therapist / client relationship as it is undermining my credibility. It also wears away my ability to trust the therapist, as I thought therapists were supposed to support their clients. A sad loss for both of us.
Unfortunately, therapists jobs are not to support us, it’s to get us in a place where we can be productive to capitalism. 99% of them do not care at all about their clients, they often hate them and talk badly about them with their coworkers. I’ve seen it. I’ve never met any medical professional as kind as Dr. Ramani in real life. There’s so many awful therapists these days I’d swear they don’t actually go to school, they just buy their degree. It’s a hard pill to swallow that a large portion of the medical community, not just therapists, are exactly of the same mindset as the people who broke us, that’s why so many therapists and doctors victim blame. I did a program for researchers out of a medical school this year, and I haven’t been around people with malignant egos like that since I was forced to live with my abuser as a kid. I was so triggered every day and started up with old bad habits to cope. You know how people say ACAB? All cops are bad? That’s how I feel about the medical community. They’re all bad cause they’re trained bad, and then they never question what they’re doing because they’re easily brainwashed and don’t have the mental capacity for deep thought. Id personally be questioning why the standard is to tell an 8 year old “dad is right, the phone does work both ways. A parent child relationship is a two way street” or “but did you lead your uncle on?” Like no! Why does a small child have any responsibility in an interaction with adult men?
I'm only 16 minutes into this video and I've already written down three notes and had a realization: I was/am not as defiant as I was made to believe, but rather I was trying to be myself while in the midst of narcissistic abuse and therefore punished for being a separate person. 🤦♀️ I have to come back later, after I process this.
Thanks, Dr. Ramani! ❤
I had to parent two narcissistic “parents.” Wasn’t even given the capacity to trust. Just starting to trust myself now after going no-contact.
It's a great blessing to understand you are in this position, why, because you can find yourself again. Let go walk away. Nothing will change. Thank you so very much. It was sad you shocked me... but it is enabling TO KNOW ! 5:45
So true. You hit the nail squarely on the head. As trust is destroyed; fear is enhanced.
We will not trust the same others but we will trust ourselves. After the healing journey I learned to trust my Intuition without second thought.
I have been watching your videos for about a year now and I can't thank you enough for the work you do. I was severely betrayed by a childhood friend a few years ago because she spread false rumors about me and your videos have helped me both heal and understand fully what happened to me. You are a lifesaver Dr. Ramani and I hope you continue to do this and help others, thank you.
Almost every single word you spoke described my experience and the effects. Try explaining this to a therapist without getting side tracked 🤔, just so good to hear someone say it for me to me. That understanding means a whole lot Dr Ramani Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤.
Yup, there's always a cost. One way or another. It's never a neutral impact on you.
I spent my entire adult life 30 years being let down constantly and learned how to do everything myself and as a byproduct I almost never ask anything of others.
I guess it's a coping skill but it also means I don't trust other people to do things.
Wooo...the way God saved me from so much. How He healed me and built me up from what I was so ignorant of. Praying for all those that are in their healing journey.