First, I’m glad I found you, I enjoy your videos. The thought of being autistic never crossed my mind until my mask disintegrated due to the emotional and mental toll that grief exacted on me 3 years ago at the age of 54. I felt like I was loosing my mind and I knew it was a different stress than my grief. I was no longer able to tolerate all the sensory discomforts I had taught myself to ignore. I was no longer able to fake coherence while figuring out what a person meant in my head; either coming to an understanding during the interaction or pretending to understand until I worked it out. I was frazzled and on edge and found myself walking around in circles tapping my fingers next to my ears. When I realized what I was doing I’d quickly stop myself for fear of looking “crazy” if I was caught. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon a TH-cam video about masking in ADHD women that I started making the connection to what I was feeling. That led to researching sensory overload and I was finally able to get some mental and physical relief by purchasing ear plugs and keeping the lights dim wherever I was in the house. I have never been diagnosed, as I said, the thought of being on the spectrum never crossed my mind, but looking back on my life I recognize that sensory overload was at the root of cranky behavior and lashing out at seemingly small things.
Welcome, lexadaily. I'm glad you're enjoying my videos. We were not picked up earlier in life, and there's usually >something< that happens, in my experience to make us think twice. -Mike :)
My experience, at 65 (turning 66 this Friday) is so much like yours, I empathize deeply. I didn't realize it at the time but the Russian invasion of Ukraine, which turned my whole life upside-down and, much worse, the lives of the nearest and dearest people on earth to me, threw me into a yearlong kind of panic-mode that took 30 pounds off me, thrust me into non-stop crisis mode, cancelling, as crises will do, my every normal instinct during this relenteless, adrenalin-fueled scramble to find places to live, work to survive, in the midst of anguish over the people back home--this experience, even while I didn't yet know about my ASD status, prepared me for the discovery. The discovery came this May when I was in a place of solitude where, by God's mercy, I was also in an INNER "place" where I was ready to learn this and process it. When the discovery came, unambiguously and like a steamroller, it brought the same paradoxical blend of grief and relief (maybe we autistics should coin that phrase: grief-relief) that I'm sure you and countless others know so well. I knew during the Ukraine-Russia crisis (still going on, of course, but I'm not in 24/7 adrenalin mode anymore) that there was something vastly different about my reactions (I could cry at the mere mention of Ukraine for over a year), and, yes, it was a bit embarrassing but there was NOTHING I could do about it. Now I understand the difference.
I had similar experince to yours only it took over a decade from when my emotional collapse began in 2009 until my formal diagnosis in 2022 at age 57 to understand what was going on. I litterally thought I was going mad. It was my girlfreind who suggested I might be autistic in 2021. I dove into the topic on TH-cam and was stunned by the sense of recognition and empathy I felt for people like you - and me. ...and I wore earplugs for decades. I never leave the house without sunglasses either, and it's been like that since I was a teenager. I thought what I expereinced in crowded noisy places were panic attacks and agoraphobia. I saw psychologists and psychiatrists for decades trying to find relief. I fired my last and final shrink after litterally begging him to tell me what was wrong with me. ...and getting no answer. I was suic*dal at that point. It was 2018 - another 4 years to go before I found the answer. With the help of people like you, and creators like Autistic AF. As a final note, it was ketam*ne infusion theraphy admisntered by an anethesiologist that snapped me out of the suic*dal thought loop that tortured me. It was an intense expereince, and I'm medically phobic, but I did it as a last resort. It worked. Immediately. If you or anyone reading this is struggling with such thoughts, please consider it. There are many more clinics now. Good luck, and thanks for being couragious enough to share your experience. It matters, and so do you.
I tried it once and it wasn’t for me, but then again I don’t like whip its either and that’s the closest thing I could compare it to. I’m also late diagnosed level 1 asd and I’m genuinely interested in the experience you had with k and how it affected you? What did it feel like?
Crying about war, displacement and brutality is the only sane response, you are not alone. I cry about the wars in Ukraine and Gaza and elsewhere on a daily basis. I pray daily for deliverance from the ravages of war for all concerned. Bless you for your morality and humanity. I’m so sorry for all you have been through. May we learn to be peaceful and find strength in solidarity.
@@antman7673 That was similar to my first thought, too. But... Umm... counting bullying for 5 min per instance x 8 people participating each instance = 40 "times" ... @ 6 (5-min segments) per hr = 240 times... he might achieve reach a higher count... ??
My Autistic brain has noticed a pattern. The ratio of likes to comments will be near 1:1 for autism channels. Or at the very least it's much closer to 1:1 than most other channels. You will also see that the comments are much longer in comparison. I love how I am starting to understand WHY we are like this. You have a great grasp of what's going on in my old knowledge bowl!
Excellent points. I’ve got a couple of comments that I **want to** sit and read really well to give a proper understanding and answer. That’s think unusual too outside the autism space.
I’m also picking up on patterns in the lifestyles of autistic individuals like religiosity and lgbqt status. I would like to see a video for more of this research
For real. I say exactly what I mean. And I don't mean anything else by it. People are always trying to read into something I say rather than just listen to the words I am saying. This has led to several awkward and confusing moments. Many times with me telling them that I was being literal. And I meant exactly what I was saying and no more. I don't play the mind games.
Yeah honestly, why would people do that, sarcasm and such? Why do people not just say straight? Sometimes they even look uncomfortable when I ask them, or when I correctly guess their attention. I don't like doing these extra steps just to make comfortable conversation
@@erwinzer0I recently sorted out that the purpose of sarcasm is to say things that would get someone in trouble to say without actually saying them, as in “Oh, yeah, the boss is GREAT, just AWESOME!”. 🙄 Rather like the point of calculus is to divide by zero without actually dividing by zero. 🤓
Yes! The "Why didn't anyone EVER TELL me that?" experience. The story of my life. Turning 66 this week, discovered my ASD status this May. I live in a completely different world now--no, two different worlds, both of them totally alien to the one I used to live in. But this is good because the one I used to live in was a miasma of surreality. The two worlds I live in now are both real: the real experience of my autism, and the real experience of a neurotypical world around me. They are both real, they are both manageable, they are compartmentalizable, and I can now make choices I could never make before. The old world, which was no real world at all, is dead and gone forever, thank God. The new ones, I am learning creatively, even joyfully, how to straddle, how to move in and out of one and the other, and how to be consciously at peace if I must make the CHOICE to mask in certain ways, no longer because I'm at the deepest level ashamed of my most instinctive, visceral reactions but because I can now honor them within yet hold some of them at bay, telling them, "Not now, it's okay, relax, just play this moment as necessary, not because your 'real' self is bad, but because you need to concede to these people's incapacity to relate, so consider it 'noblesse oblige,' a concession to weaker people." And that works. Conscious, strategic masking is nothing like as devastating, psychologically and, yes, physically, as a lifetime of desperate pretending. In fact, I don't find the conscious, stragetic, good-humored kind of "masking" devastating at all. As long as I'm not berating and demeaning myself, not even on the subtlest of levels, within. Plus, the conscious kind of masking isn't a lifestyle, it's not a life sentence, you know it's a moment social concession, not a cognitive prison. Yes, just like you said, you no longer assume, even without the vocabulary but viscerally, that you are a "broken (incompetent, hopeless, misfit) neurotypical"; rather, you now know you are a stellarly resourceful, creative, autistic human being, with a wealth of experience and insight that came very hard but, yes, it's yours now, and it's something incredibly unique and powerful in society, arming you with insights that other people, autistic AND allistic, profoundly need.
"the conscious kind of masking isn't a lifestyle, it's not a life sentence, you know it's a moment social concession, not a cognitive prison" I could not have put it better myself. Thanks for being here, Ken.
I’m very struck by the wisdom, humor, and acceptance of what you wrote here. I was diagnosed three years ago at age 51, and although I generally feel much more balanced now, I still deeply struggle sometimes. I tend to view self-acceptance and masking as opposites, which creates so much internal tension. Your description of Conscious Masking really helps me conceptualize how both can exist and help me navigate life. I suspect that, if I can truly integrate this, I can find my beautiful autistic joy again. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences 🌻✨
This is a precious comment you left, Ken. I guess I clicked on this video because I was looking for alternatives. All the other autism channels say "unmask, unmask, unmask"! And I know it is a process I will go through in some form, but... it sounds exhausting. I am about to have my third baby, and just discovering I am autistic. Is now REALLY the best time to reshape and rediscover my entire identity? Your comment gave me just the perspective that I needed. As long as I'm getting by alright I don't have to unmask right now. The mask is a tool I can choose to use. And in the meantime I can give myself more grace, and change my self-talk, because I am not a broken neurotypical. ❤️ I hope to soon be as in-touch with my inner world as you are.
I found out I am autistic about 3 weeks ago by a psychologist. Watching videos on autism, I realised that my quirks and uphill battles were not due to me being stupid and lazy (well, mostly), and that my constant exhaustion is directly linked to masking. This video speaks to me in so many levels.
After I received my ASD diagnosis, I analyzed my masking and figured that it would be best for MY sake to keep masking. Allistic people are not able to bend even a little bit to understand what I am saying when I am not masking. So I go to great lenghts to adapt and deliver the information their way. Otherwise they will not understand and they will not care even though they should've - in my job for example. Needless to say I spend a lot of my time home alone waiting for my Oscar to arrive.
A very close friend wanted to hang out with me one Saturday. He has a partner now, so this is the first time we've been able to just relax and chat alone together for some time. It was a wonderful day by my reckoning. Such a great reconnection. But, on Monday morning he texted me and told me he was so worried for me and thought I should see a doctor. As it turns out, I thought it was a glorious day of chatting, he didn't understand anything, not a sentence, I said. He spent the next day trying to make sense of all the diversions and twists and asides and side quest stories and analog proofs, and he just couldn't make out what I was trying to explain. I love this guy dearly as a friend, but I'm not going back. He'll have to learn anew, just like I have to. We've since *texted* and we both have understanding of what was going on that day. Welcome to meeting your good friend for the first time as an autist. I realized later that night, after our convo, that he is the first person I've ever totally 'dropped shields' with. He and I met the 'realer' me for the first time that day. I guess this is how it works as you unmask. I'm not alarmed. I'm just beginning as my new, previously sublimated, Self emerges.
I completely agree in that masking is completely necessary if you are in an allistic work environment. They can't handle someone who doesn't. Even if an autistic person is just minding their own business. They can't handle it. It upsets them terribly.
I bring a crochet project with me most places I go. It is a soothing, repetative motion. And I am often counting stitches as I go. And it keeps my hands busy. And most neurotypical people end up asking questions about what I am making. It's an easy way to slip past neurodivergent detectors.
I always wondered why interacting with people makes me so tired and exhausted. I have always needed a lot of alone time. It's all of the small talk, the feigning enthusiasm, and keeping up appearances. "The Social Dance" is what I like to call it. I DO find, however, I sort of have a sixth sense for seeking out... open-minded (?) people. I seem to gravitate towards them naturally. The people I am closest to (which are very few) accept that I'm a bit odd and may react in unexpected ways. I usually let my guard down around them, and I'm not as tired after having spent time with them. 🖤 But with strangers, I'm forever vigilant. At least until I can figure out if they're "safe". 🙂 I absolutely love it when my dark, sarcastic, bitter, ironic and self-deprecating humor is appreciated. There are not that many people that "get" me like that. But boy, do I love the ones that do. 🖤 Lovely video! 🖤 And I would have to concur. Late diagnosed autistics are kind of "stuck". I would love nothing more than to be able to completely unmask. But my inner critical voice (she sounds an awful lot like my mom, btw) would never allow for that. And truth be told, until there is more understanding and acceptance of neurodivergents, masking is sometimes the lesser of two evils. 🤔😞 Thanks for the upload! 😸 🙂👍 X Sara
Well, they expect us to understand them, maybe we should insist they at least try to understand us? We don’t need their permission to exist. Theoretically they are just our peers, why should we jump through their hoops? It’s a 2 way street.
I very much relate to this, as do a lot of the late diagnosed. I love my wife dearly, but how much of “me” is carefully assembled to fit in with her neurotypical friends and family?
I personally have gotten to the point where I do what I call “being aggressively autistic”, and by this I mean i disclose my autism right away to pretty much anyone i decide to be friends with and if they happen to be allistic, I give them a whole speech where i tell them about my stimming and why i do it, and that I’m gonna do whenever i want and if they don’t like then I don’t need them in my life. I now have a nice circle that includes a handful of allistic people who understand :)
First off, you're the first person that ever mentioned the leg bouncing. I've done that my whole life, and, I don't bother trying to hide it. I'm glad at least one other person beside me does it. I get told a lot to stop shaking the table, the chair, the sofa, etc. And, "can't you sit still?!" (Why actually...since you asked...nuh-uh). Second, I'm nearing 60. I went a lifetime undiagnosed, never REALLY fitting in but always trying. I've been to the doctors. ADHD is a given; Autism was likely but since I already know, and they know, I told them I didn't see the purpose of an official diagnosis, and they understood and didn't bother enforcing it. Knowing personally definitely provides a reason for a lifetime of not-fitting and the pain of exclusion. And knowing definitely means I understand those moments when I'm frozen because autism says 'no' and adhd says 'heck yeah'. I also have begun cutting myself slack when the same simple things bring me to the point of overhwelm, like getting dishes done, or organizing my home, but perform like a pro in any situation where adrenaline is naturally occurring. I found your video extremely entertaining and personable. Thanks for sharing.
Ditto. Others have shamed me for it at times. It's not even a conscious act. Now I run my fingertip around the knuckle of my thumb in a circular motion, only realizing I'm doing it when it starts burning.
I feel the emotions you express about the masking predicament we find ourselves in. Really feel for you. I was diagnosed at 57. Everything made sense, except how to move forward. I've trying to reboot ever since, but keep losing my social footing. I'm either too much or not enough for most people. I'm smart, so I can't be disabled. Groups....the worst aspects of people seem to come out when they form herds. There's no going back. Diagnosis of autism is the ultimate red-pill journey. We are alien to allistic culture and norms. They are based on concealment and lies. They are enforced by exclusion and shame. Silently. Secretly. They are dangerous to us. Our masks are not the same thin paper party favors worn by neurotypicals. Society forces us into toxic leaden armor. To survive. and it slowly kills us. Either way, we lose. I've chosen to remove my armor. I fight exist openly now as an autistic person. Fight using the love in my heart for humanity, one person at a time. Fight for connection and understanding and recognition through my music and writing. I fail. Mostly. But not always.... ;-) What a strange place we find ourselves in eh? Nobody saying what they mean, and we are the a$$holes. Feared and hated for speaking the truth. Being ourselves. Not conforming to expectations. Not pursuing covert agendas. Makes no sense, except that it makes perfect sense. You feel me, autistic people?
I was just diagnosed Autistic 4 weeks ago at age 40, so I'm on this journey of self discovery and acceptance with you. It's been difficult to process and try and figure out "where do I go from here", but videos like yours helps me to feel like I'm not alone in this journey.
Thank you, Angel - you are too kind. I didn’t know if these videos would be seen by anyone yet alone help them - I’m so glad I’ve been able to help even in a small way. You’re not alone. -Mike
@@Autistic_AF Please keep doing what you are doing and putting your voice and lived experience as a fellow Autistic person out into the world. We are not alone, we have a community of literally "like minded" people, and we can be there for each other in a world that sometimes seems confusing, overwhelming, and isolating at times.
This was a great video! I am almost 42 and not diagnosed autistic but going to look into it. My half brother is autistic and my youngest daughter is showing signs of autism. It didn’t occur to me that I might be autistic until my current boyfriend, who is diagnosed autistic, told me he thinks I might be. And it’s a lot of lightbulb moments and information I never knew about, I’m almost hoping I am at this point because it would explain so much.
I'm currently in the pre-assessment researching phase of the journey (which is primarily watching and listening to autistic creators like yourself). The "not a broken neurotypical but a good autistic person" comment really hits hard in a good way. Thank-you for making this journey easier.
I was diagnosed a few years ago at 35 years old. Nobody ever suspected I was autistic, and that includes several psychologists, therapists and councillors. I randomly stumbled on a TH-cam video and the years of torment suddenly made sense. I sought an official diagnosis immediately, and was told my very high intelligence likely allowed me to muddle through life without anyone figuring it out. I have been trying to unmask since my diagnosis, but have found I am a hollow shell. I do not know who I am, or even what I like. Everything I ever did was in furtherance of this other person who I wanted people to see. I don't know what I am or if I ever will know...
Hey! Your partner pointed me in the direction of your videos. Your videos are excellent. You cover some things that I’ve been internally deliberating/fighting over and hearing your thoughts as a second opinion has been really validating. Will be continuing to watch. Edited to add: I’m 35 and have come to the realisation (revelation!) very recently that I likely am autistic.
👋 Hello, Kristina and thank you so much for your lovely comments 😊. In my opinion, non-autistic people don’t spend a lot of time thinking that they might be autistic - you could well be right. I only considered this possibility at 42 so, try not to worry about the late part of the late self diagnosis :) The Autistic community online generally welcomes self diagnosis for many reasons (I’ll go into soon!). Take care, Mike x
I have always tried so hard to understand my son but I know I fail. I just can not wrap my brain around how he sees the world and how he feels. I try to let him do what makes him comfortable. I just found your videos about 15 minutes ago and already have a slightly better understanding of how he may see the world around him. Thank you!
I'm honestly blushing, not sure where that compliment came from! But thank you. And yes, whilst we hear a lot about how unmasking is better for our mental health (sure, it can be) - masking serves a useful purpose. I think the ultimate goal is to mask consciously and demask reliably.
I have been trying to live unmasked for the last 3 years and I have found that I am much less desirable, I didn’t really think about them being related. Thank you for your videos and helping me understand.
Thank-you for being so vulnerable Mike. I could actually feel the distress with you as you spoke. I like the way @NeurodiverJENNt said it: "I'm not a broken neurotypical person.. I've been a perfectly fine neurodivergent person this whole time!".
It’s the biggest revelation I’ve ever had - it turns your internal story around, like the biggest plot twist. “You mean to say, I’m autistic now?” “You always were…”
*Him saying that neurotypical people tend not to interact with neurodivergent people *Me being proud that I’m neurotypical and am still friends with neurodivergent people *Him saying that neurodivergent people tend to seek out neurodivergent people *Me: uhh, am I…
I actually struggled to mask growing up, I never even got diagnosed until 25-ish. I thought I was just bad at being "normal", but right after highschool (all grade school was hell), I went to art school, and I WAS NORMAL! EVERYONE there was just weird in some way, so no one really minded anything that anyone did. Sadly, I wasn't really good enough at art, but from ages 18-20 I was just accepted as "the weird creative person" and life was so much better. Then I had a year of hell as a professional chef working in a hospital kitchen. I got bullied there worse than I did in grade school. So I got burnt out, and ended up moving away and going to university again. This time I did Anthropology. Studying humans and the diversity of their existence was my calling. I learned ways to act that were way easier and less stressful than regular masking, and learned how to explain things in this mix of academic language and analogies. The best part was that (almost) everyone loved me because I was so good at asking the right questions to figure out why and what the "social/cultural norms" were for any given group or activity, observing it in great detail naturally, and I could even easily spot the biases that other researches bring to their research from their own background growing up. I only got diagnosed at age 25, and that was because I was already getting diagnosed for something else and the psychiatrist went "if you would like to, I would like you to book another appointment because you may have ASD judging by our conversation.", and tbh it feels good to know I just have autism and am not broken or cursed or anything. But back to anthropology, because of my autism, I was naturally removed enough from the subconscious biases of what is "normal" or "mundane", the nuances and intuitive reasons as to why, that I was writing research on a near graduate level before even getting half way through my undergrad. I had deep conversations with professors in the philosophy, sociology, anthropology, and psychology departments because of my ability to spot things that allistic people don't think twice about. Just today I had a chat with a naturopathic doctor who gave a guest lecture for my class, and we talked about my paper on a better way to evaluate (and alleviate) food insecurity (and the health issues that surround it), and she wants to get me in touch with the health sciences department to get me started on a thesis rewrite of my paper. I'm not finished my undergrad yet still. Autism is a superpower when you find the environment that vibes with with you. I wish everyone can find the environment they thrive in.
Good video. I was diagnosed at 30 years old, which is very recent. I am not good at masking; I pass my life, even in familiar settings, as a "direct person." This has made my relationships with my family very difficult. At work, I noticed I was constantly tired. I tried not to socialize too much to have energy for work, but socialization is always there. The good thing is that I observed patterns of conversation that people like, and I try to incorporate them into my conversations; this works for some time. However, trying to fit in causes more scars than giving me good things. No matter how hard I try, people will choose those who can socialize more easily. In a work culture, if you are a savant, they will support your traits because you are too valuable. If you are autistic but not a savant, they will still support you, but if you don't have those specific traits, don't be too much yourself. I am trying to unmask at home as much as I can and working on the mental problems that a late autistic diagnosis can bring. I hope all autistic people who discover that they are autistic finally realize that they are valuable, and it doesn't matter what people think. Continue to work on yourself.
Thanks, Caren. I know what you mean - and I believe the majority of autistic people sit somewhere in the ‘uncomfortable zone’ - like you say, not supported at all. I agree with your hope - that all autistic people realise that they are valuable. In and of themselves - not because of what they can contribute, but just as they are. Thanks for being here. -Mike
Hi, Mike! Thank you for sharing these thoughts 💜 I’m 54, and in therapy since I was diagnosed about 3 years ago. I used to chronically burn out from all the (unknown) masking, and mess up friendships regularly. Now I use a lot of energy dealing with consequences when I’m very unmasked- but mayyyyybe it’s somewhat less chronically stressful (?). I’ve been fortunate that nothing has been cataclysmic, but there’s a lot of strain. And I fear I’ve lost the spinny-Joy I had decades ago, after all the stress of juggling the masks and relationship stressors. I’m going to check if you’ve done a video on that yet- when you feel you’ve already lost pieces of yourself from being so late-diagnosed. If you haven’t, I’d be grateful to see that someday, if you feel like addressing that topic. Subscribed✨
I am still on the fence to consider myself autistic It’s been quite a journey and I am trying to find more documentation on what I think, feel and do. This sir is so far the channel I needed. You gained one more subscriber Thank you for the content you’re putting out there
I don’t really care what family and/or friends of mine think. If they can’t accept me as is they can go to hell because they certainly do expect me to accept them as is. If the respect can’t be mutual, screw them. The real problem is with employment. They’re literally paying you no t to be yourself( which is exhausting). I chose to give up fighting my nature and settle for unskilled employment. It’s less of a sacrifice and I don’t have to tolerate nearly as much from disrespectful people as I have much less to lose. Sometimes it’s very inconvenient, but overall it’s best for me.
Yes. I have a masters degree but I’m working as a custodian. I had gotten so far into burnout from office jobs that I couldn’t even look for a job for three years.
The last 5 minutes of this is simply splendid. At least for me, and I imagine for many others. The realization that being Autistic isn't something we need to FIX about ourselves, but something we can EMBRACE is simply amazing. The problem is not us, it is the idea that we are all supposed to be similar or even the same. I'm new to this, but it is hard to not have neurodivergence explain most, if not all of my life struggles. Keep up the great work, Mike
I'm so happy I found your channel. I was diagnosed last year at 46. I'm also a developer. You have made me feel much less alone in so much and taught me quite a bit already. I'm happy to hear someone mention that research, btw. Love your stuff!
Thanks, Christopher! Developers unite! 👨💻 👨💻. I’m glad you’re here and I’m so happy to hear I’ve been able to help even in a small way through TH-cam videos. Take care and thank you for your kindness. -Mike
It will forever infuriate me that people who are neurotypical will mistreat and even abuse neurodivergent people I get bullied at work all the time and I don't even bother to try fitting in anymore.
As soon as you said "bouncing my leg" I started bouncing my leg and now I can't stop. Apparently just mentioning similar stimming traits triggers such stimming to start - in other aspies 😅😅
Hi Mike! I just found your channel and I really like the way you speak. Your videos are also so visually pleasing with the low background lighting. Subscribed!
70 year old female... Realized I was autistic during pandemic, which gave me time I had never had in life. Unmasking, even more than dealing with others, is a question of discovering who I may be... after masking so very effectively for decades. Using what is left of my life to revel in the relief of just having permission to be myself. Definitely reading Devon Price's book for all the tips on doing that more effectively.
IM neurodivergent and have PTSD. i gotten to a point where IM having to give up and fall so i can rebuild the things i like and can live whit about myself and my environment. but it made me self isolate a lot, unable to work. and don't socialize whit ppl much right now. my self worth sucks. un the up though. i don't have paralyzing and numbing Panic attacks nearly as often. and IM learning to accept and explain reactions and thought better to those i do socialize whit. one day i will make the voices less influential in my everyday life and self worth. i already made progress in this at times. but its a struggle. had no chose sens i crashed trying to keep everything inside. offing myself was a struggle mental battle rather then just find a way to be. not over it yet, not even close sens there is ptsd trauma to deal whit as well. but every battle won is a something i treasure now. and the joy of managing to clean the house, go to a gathering or have meningsfull interactions whit others whit out going home anxious is worth it i think.
Fab content! I'm recalling the encouragement/ reassurance from my allistic partner before encountering new people: "you'll be fine love, just don't be yourself" 😂 You've covered such a lot here and, this is a suggestion not a criticism, shorter videos will reach more people ( many of us have ADHD too) eg this could've been split into 3
Hi Mike, great video! The part of task-loading for social situations really rings with me, I knew it before knowing I'm autistic that most people are much more natural at this and it's tiring for me. I masked heavily to the point that a lot of people think that I'm an outgoing person, I am very capable of lying to the point of being compulsive especially on small issues (which gets big later on), I lied to let people know that I'm okay, I'm tough and can take more tasks, or worse because I actually don't know how to answer how I'm feeling at the moment, it took a toll on my mental health and my ability to be genuine. Since my autism journey I tried a lot of things that helped: started mindful meditation to learn to identify my feelings, chosing a select few people who I trust that I can unmask, talk about my autism, and other struggles. I do agree it's not all good to completely unmask in every situation suddenly, people did freak out and some think I acted autistic for attention and leniency. It's not safe in a lot of situations and it hurts more from closed ones. The career choice was really hard, balancing my mental health needs cs what I like vs what pays took some grieving. Steering away from jobs that require me to do spontaneous responses and needing my body language to match with what I mean. I have a mechanical engineering degree and now I'm learning game development. On another hand I think I have inconsistent social tolerance too, I happen to enjoy music busking while I dread sales jobs. Relating to music being one of my intense interest maybe? (Yes, I found the word intense interest more suitable) Cheers from Thailand!
Hello again 👋 and thank you 🙏 Sometimes we hit a crunch point and HAVE to make a decision balancing how draining a job role can be and how much it pays. In one of my contract jobs, I begged to quit - it was so draining but the client did not want to let me go… a story for another video. I’ve uploaded a video on employment issues, the first of many, I hope - there’s much to discuss. -Mike
I should be sleeping, as it's past 4 am, but after watching your latest video, and finding you so well spoken and charming, that I wanted to check out your channel/other videos. This may sound odd, but I particularly enjoyed watching your expressions and mannerisms as you were speaking. 😅☺ To be honest, most of the people I've met, who I only later found out are autistic, I simply found them quirky and quite talkative (I met them via online gaming or at university in the 'geeky/nerdy' clique). Ended up dating someone with ASD, as well, and, honestly, I felt he had superpowers and his quirky traits quite endearing. 😅 I have wondered in the past if I might be on the spectrum, and have even had friends/close acquaintances suggest or joke about it, but I don't fit quite a lot of the criteria, imo. However, after speaking with a therapist recently to help with depression, they suggested that I could have ADHD. From my, admittedly, minimal understanding, there's some overlap between ASD and ADHD. Perhaps that's why I've had people make that suggestion. Who knows? Apologies for rambling. As stated, it was already past 4 am when I started this comment. 😂 Subscribed and looking forward to watching your other vids and seeing new ones, as well. ☺
Thank you for your lovely comment, @nemisiscat! ☺️. I’m really glad you’ve enjoyed watching my videos :). Your dating/university story is evidence that neurodivergent people seek each other out! ADHD and ASD are related conditions, and have many similar symptoms. And it is only relatively recently (DSM5) that psychologists have been able to diagnose both! (AuDHD) and the majority of Autists have ADHD symptoms. Including, me. Thank you again for such a lovely comment, and I hope you get the most restful sleep! 🛌 -Mike
Whenever I have talked to NTs about autism and what we struggle with, I have never been met with a negative response even once! But I tend to speak more indirectly as I don't see why i should be brutal all the time. So while I can read social cues, it's my lack of energy and my anxietu that I struggle with. I do think we should be getting the help we deserve, despote how uncomfortable others get. Because human rights. Who wants others temporary feelings to be among the few obstacles between you and your needs being met? It the roles were reversed, there would be mass protests across the globe.
I completely forgot about how often people would immediately accuse me of faking when I would do things like what you did in school, just imitate someone else. I think the sort of bullying that came out of that very quickly led to me learning to just not talk and not be myself and to create a really really good masked persona so no one could threaten me again or so I would stop losing friends that I liked.
Terrific video. I quietly observe others without staring and notice when they are representing themselves based on the people whom are in their presence. I learned to have three masks: quiet and apparently still while carefully tensing and relaxing muscles throughout my body, pleasant and productive while smiling and occasionally glancing at others and nodding, and my favorite mask is the friendly extroverted actor where I can introduce myself and pose prepared questions about some current event and feigning ignorance with the goal of them leaving me alone while they’re engaged in their respective conversations. Someone had asked if I was an actor and I replied that only when I’m around other people.
THANK YOU for your wonderful videos! DX'ed at 58, I'm struggling with at the same time experiencing the greater expression of my autistic Self and unmasking as an upper-level manager in a large bank. Return to office has been a nightmare for me. Over the last year, I've been working every day to unmask, just a little bit, incrementally. After a year, I'm finally feeling happy as me, however I present to others. With that happiness has come the self-acceptance where I find I'm at least partially unmasked most days now. It helps that I'm LGBTQ+ and out, so I'm used to collecting odd stares and comments from some and just ignoring them or chuckling. Their discomfort loses impact once you accept yourself and realize, the commenter has likely never encountered their own Self, hence the comments. Your comments about allistic masking are both so true and so inspiring. I've been (what seems to be) hyper masking all my adult life starting around age 10 after lots of brutal teasing. I'm one whose brain just ran out of energy and focus at 58 making me feel like I was going crazy. No. My brain was taking me home to learn to know and honor my Self.
Unfortunately, the forms of repetition I came up with (in part because others were en-forcefully stopped by my schooling) turn to things that were typical of people with anxiety. I have done some of this to the point of damage. Biting at nails and cuticles to the point of damage to both fingers and teeth. Pacing, lots and lots of pacing. Cracking knuckles and stretching fingers back. Stroking my chin in thought. All automatically shifted to due to being easier to explain away honestly without scrutiny. "I pace to think" or "I'm just nervous" or "I'm just tired" were easy to explain away the actions.
Giving AF about social pageantry can't be all there is to masking though. If that would be the essence of masking, which I never cared about the first place, I would not have been missed by "the system" for the first 35 years of my life and I wouldn't have to advocate for myself still trying to convince people without a diagnosis at 38 that 3 out of 4 manifestations of the autistic experience, are my experience. I don't know how to unmask and be myself, because I can't relate to being anyone else than I portray myself to be by default. But I still have a mask on. How can I tell? The last two weeks I trained myself not to suppress when I am stressed, because apparently that's a thing I did, and I only noticed it with a new fitness tracker. I wear a smart watch with a continuous stress tracker. First I thought it was a gimmick, then one day I saw a graph, a daily summary which has shown, in minute-precision when I have received an unpleasant phone call, when I have been arguing with a family member, when I underwent medical examination on the same day. That's when I started training myself with the use of the watch to listen to my body when I am having a stress response. After 2 weeks I can reliably tell when I am stressed by feeling the symptoms, then looking at my watch for confirmation, and now I barely miss a stress episode. I am stressed right now as I am sharing this, and I don't have to look at the watch for confirmation anymore, I feel it, I learned to recognize it (there, I just looked, I was right). So apparently this was part of my masking. What else there is to my mask? I have no clue... and that annoys me, because I have proof that I was suppressing things, proof that I am doing something that is not a deliberate effort, so I can't just stop doing it.
I now believe at 35 that I was masking Autism my whole life 😂 I seem a lot more Authentically Autistic since I've been out of school 😅 I'm self diagnosed by the way but I have told my doctor about it. My family also think I have it too 😂
Self-diagnosis is valid! And yes, if you're 35 and autistic, then you have been masking autistic symptoms for your whole life. Except maybe the earliest first bits :)
When I dropped the masking in conversations with family members and explained what was going on behind the scenes ie that I am autistic and there are some unusual skills I have but also some deficits that cause me to be misunderstood, it did not go well. I was re-evaluated as a self-professed incompetent who could not be taken seriously even in areas where I excelled beyond anything they were capable of. In one case the person who re-evaluated me negatively was a very obvious autist, but in denial. Some autists KNOW what they are. This person did NOT. It led me to re-evaluate THEM (sympathetically), realising their past social difficulties were due to their own autism, not the people they were with. My attempts to explain to inform them of their own autism were rebuked severely, as if I was telling them they had some horrible disease (that they were happy for me to have, but didn't want it themselves). I came to the conclusion that it is only safe to drop the mask with others who are (a) autistic and (b) KNOW they are. With NTs, just keep up the mask, it saves a hell of a lot of wasted time, and it avoids a change from what they are used to. They don't want to make the effort to understand.
this was amazing! i was diagnosed autistic over a year ago now. learning about my brain has helped so much with my mental health. the concept of masking changed my life. it’s been really hard to process this diagnosis but it’s easier every day. now i’m proud of being autistic! i was absolutely gutted at first lol! i’m still learning about my autism, this video was very helpful for that. thank you
I said to a therapist once, 'Kids can spot autism and any differences, in seconds. The NHS could speed through autism pre assesment wait list by asking a kid! In a room full of ppl a kid can spot us a mile off.
in my experience, kids did indeed spot there was something different about me well before the adults came around to the idea that I wasn't being this way on purpose...
this is the most relatable video on this topic i've seen yet! 💛💚 i've been an "expert" at masking for 40 years because i've never been called out on it (as far as i'm aware.) i only just found out i've had inattentive ADHD all my life and started working through it the best i can. there seems to be a lot of overlap with autism but from the videos i've seen about autism i didn't quite fit the (self) diagnosis. thank you 🙏 the way you explain it in your videos, it has finally clicked with me 💙💜
Thanks, Nolan. I’m really glad my video was relatable. Honestly, until starting this channel a month ago, I was moderately concerned about feeling out of place. But thought, what the hell and did it anyway lol. There is lots of overlap with Autism - in terms of symptoms, but the underlying reasons are different. And it wasn’t until DSM5 that it was possible to be diagnosed/identified with both. Thank you 🙏 -Mike
Mike, your content and all the terrific comments continue to be a lifeline for me of feeling seen and understood, of a place I belong and can be accepted. I’m so grateful to you for your courage and community service in creating and providing this channel. Thank you!!!!!
I've been so harshly "corrected" which really equated to abuse IMHO, I've had to go no contact and lost literally all my friends. Late dx after surviving breast🎀 bc I couldn't hold masking together anymore nor could I handle how ppl I thought loved me were treating me. I am as unmasked as I can be at home. Everywhere else I'm pretty Masked up to keep myself safe. Dreaming of a day where I can just go for a walk & be in Autistic Joy 😊
"I'm not broken.". That's a phrase that always tears me up, in a good way. I agree 100% with everything you said about the catch-22 between masking and unmasking. Thank you. It's good to feel like I'm not alone in that. No matter how many times I am reminded that I'm not broken, and not alone, the impact of it never lessens.
In our class ( adults learning a new job) we have communication lessions. We were talking about the ice berg model and had to analyze sentences like " coffeee is empty, I have no time, we talk later" etc. I sat there and said: But I don 't feel something, there is no hidden meaning etc. And the other "normal" people talked about the meaning etc. like they had a decode key or something like that.
Amazing video! I'm 54 and have understood I'm Autistic for about a year and a half. I can't say that I really learned anything new from your video because I have been digging into every resource I can in that time. What I can say is that I felt things hit me at my core, not in an abstract intellectual way particularly around 16:00. I feel like I'm discovering myself now in so many ways m
This will be long but please read because I need help. I am a self diagnosed autistic adult, and that is the first time I have ever said or written those words. It's something I've known about myself for a few years now but didn't feel like I needed a label. But this isn't about me. I am a father and my 8y/o daughter is without a doubt autistic. I figured that out around the same time I figured myself out. Actually I figured myself out in the course of figuring her out. She does well in school and apart from being a little "weird" she seems to fit in (or she _did,_ until recently). So I have not sought out a diagnosis for her, for the same reasons I did not seek one for myself. I thought (and still think) she is capable of "making it" in the world and doesn’t need a diagnosis, a label, or a "crutch" to quote my mother... and I don’t want to attach a stigmatized term to her that might do her more harm than good. Recently she has started to get bullied and she has started to complain that the other kids don't like her. She had friends before, and now she doesn’t. It's like they got old enough to realize there was a turkey in the hen house and ostracized her. Now I am conflicted. I started giving her tips on how to be "more normal" but I feel like I am selling out, and selling her out at the same time. Teaching her to be fake just like me. This is heartbreaking. I comfort myself saying it's inevitable; I had to learn it the hard way on my own and at least she has me to guide her. Tonight I told her (in a less blunt way) "you can be yourself and not have friends or be someone else." Great, now I'm crying. Please tell me what I am supposed to do. I think it is time to get her diagnosed because this course of instruction in "how to be normal" can only go so far if she doesn't know why she isn't normal. But specifically about masking; is that something I should teach and encourage? I feel like "just be yourself" should be the only right answer, but I have a pile of traumatic real world experience that suggests that phrase is a worse-than-worthless platitude when addressed to anyone who is neurodivergent.
Get her a diagnosis before she feels it’s her fault she’s different. Pressures on girls/women and socializing are very high. Things may be even harder for her than for you, because gender expectations are unfortunately a thing. Maybe she can find a friend who is also neurodivergent. Also, find out as much as you can about Autism so you can both better understand how to best cope and support each other. Don’t sign her up for behavioral therapy unless she fully wants it herself. See if there are support or friend groups in your area, or at least find some online. And don’t go anywhere Autism Speaks because that is a self-serving trash organization that doesn’t actually care for or accept neurodivergent people.
I second pursuing an evaluation if it’s feasible in your situation. An accurate diagnosis is a tool not a crutch. It isn’t going to suddenly change her brain to be something new. It can, however, provide some legal protections and supports for her in school if you choose to disclose. Some schools are great at working to make accommodations while others won’t make any changes without the official piece of paper. It could also give you more certainty to advocate for her with schools, family, etc. Hope this helps!
@@KypCaprice thanks. Some progress has been made since I posted this. She is on the waiting list to be seen by a private doctor for this and also got the process started for her to be evaluated by the psychologist who works for the school district.
@@philsophkenny Ah nice to meet you! I’ve just been summonsed to do jury duty/service today. I was thinking; it’s probably better to have autistic jurors than neurotypical ones…. Hmm, topic for another video I think!
im working to unmask at home but i dont see it happening at work....however the work from home days we are lucky to get is sooo helpful for me as i can bounce my legs, fidget with my hands, and adjust my seating position (too frequently to be considered normal) since ppl on video have a narrower, limited view of me. there is so much talk these days of businesses bringing ppl back 5 days a week and this would just really be disheartening for me since i feel like i can be more myself when i work from home and that also means i perform better with work
I have a neighbor who will never even look at me. If we happen to walk down the hall or street at the same time they will actively turn their head to look the other way. I've not done anything to them and trust me I've wracked my brain trying to figure out what I could possibly have done, and the only thing I can think of is that he's taking my facial expression, which is often flat, as something offensive toward him. Honestly I can't be bothered caring anymore as he's far from the first person to just dislike me for no reason. It's just annoying as I'm being rejected for something I can't help
I don't think they are, as I do see them having friends over a lot and sitting on their balcony smoking and making eye contact with them 🤷 I'd also love to just live in a place with just neurodivergent people. Makes communication so much more straightforward 😆@@Autistic_AF
You mentioned in another video that stimming sounds infantilizing like you're talking to young children and I actually think that's true about masking as well. It makes sense because most research about autism has been done on children so the vocabulary is made to be more suitable for that demographic, but to say you mask your true self or whatever just doesn't sit quite right with me either though I understand the logic behind it. I think the deeper question becomes what it even means to be authentic. As a trans person I see similar vocabulary i.e. passing, which is literally the same thing as masking except whereas masking with regards to neurodiversity is about trying to diminish your neurodiverse traits in order to come across as neurotypical, to pass as a trans person means to blend in as good as much as the gender you identify with to the point no one could suspect you're trans. This is also where the idea that trans people are lying about their gender in intimate relationships crops up, because they were just pretending to be something they're not. I think unfortunately minority groups will always be considered fake relative to the majority for trying to fit into the majority. As for the word itself, I think a word like social adaptation would be much better and also imo isn't nearly as confusing since it isn't metaphorical. One thing I've seen researchers keep highlighting as a main difference between autistic and allistic people is that allistic people want to be a part of the group because the group and its needs is more important than your own personal needs and interests. Of course there's a spectrum here, but this was completely new to me because I thought all people were intrinsically motivated by their own desires first, the needs of the group second. In other words, allistic people enjoy and value conformity more than autistic people do, and may therefore never develop strong interests or identities outside of the group. Which in retrospect makes sense because it lines up very well with my own personal observations of people and why I could never understand how so many have the tendency to essentially just go with the flow.
Thank you for sharing - especially about the comparison with the trans experience. It’s very helpful for me to learn, not just by way of being an ally, but also to look from the outside as though looking on the autism community.
Autistic people don’t because even if we try, it still won’t work because of those first few seconds. So why try to fit in at all. It’s better just to be invisible.
Well, that video was certainly packed with a lot of good insights on the topic. I have a philosophy of picking and choosing how much I want to mask. In work or academic situations, I will be masking a lot. When I am around my family and friends, not so much. I have found that when it comes to making friends, yes there are some people who aren't going to like you no matter what you do and to not stress about that. The are plenty of other people who are unbothered by my weirdness and more than willing to be friendly. In fact, I have noticed that many people like my eccentricity because it gives them permission to drop some of their own self-imposed masks a bit.
What, I'm not the only one who wiggles their toes secretly, and keeps a running behaviour checklist while in conversation? Thank you, my fellow neurodivergents, for sharing, and thus allowing me to discover who I am. I feel like the ugly duckling that just discovered that she's really a swan. I'll keep quaking when it's suitable though. I don't want to scare the ducks. Also, swan down is valuable. I don't want to get killed and become a pillow.
I have just been diagnosed. I've suspected for 4 years. I am currently on sick leave due to burnout and I am actually facing that I might need to quit my job due to how it influences my mental health. I feel I actually cannot mask. I even started to avoid eye contact which was rare for me. I feel I need to hide because being me in the world is still something I am scared off given how many negative reactions being me brought me in the past. I have a career I would like to follow. I'm a certified coach and really like the 1 on 1 work with people (it's the only space where my attention to patterns is welcomed and people can bemefit from it). But marketing is new to me so I am still in the process of letting people know how can I can help them and that I exist. This burnout came to early for how I initially wanted to do the career switch. And now I am mostly scared about my future. Planning anything has become a nightmare. Mental health professionals aren't exactly supportive making the formalities overly complicated for my current state of mind. And asking for help is difficult cause I feel I need help yet cannot really explain to people what kind of help it is. I feel like a little lost child when it comes to dealing with everything that dropped on my head in the recent time. And I am just afraid that if I go out among other humans my unmasked self will take over completely cause I lack the resources to keep it up like I did to this moment.
Thanks you Mike for sharing this. im also discovering the me that is not my hypercompetent mask. I have my ASD peer reviewed but not confirmed with a formal diagnosis. Combined with ADHD and Dyslexia, my life has been working really hard to be normal at a glance and to work harder and be better than my colleagues so I could get away with the quirks that I couldn't hide
Hello, Sam, thank you ☺️ for your lovely comment. I can relate! Working hard to appear ‘normal’ and then extra hard to put some distance between the capabilities of others and ourselves can be utterly relentlessly tiring.
@@Autistic_AF only now in my early mid 30's am I untangling this. Having suffered from burnout time and time again getting worse each time untill here I am working part time not in my home country. Just learning who I want to be
@@SamHerring404 Thank you for sharing your experience of burnout. That was what led me to try to learn, "Why is this happening/why am I like this?", at the time to see if I could make it stop. It lasted about four months. It's horrible - that feeling of tiredness and worn-out abilities. I felt like a shadow. I know how it feels. You've got this. - Mike
I had advance training in masking when I was sent (by an essentially secular family) to a very Evangelical Baptist skool. I started in third grade, where I had had enough experience to hopefully start blending in, but I also had to instantly learn everything about making sure I never said anything I truly felt/knew during anything religious being discussed. This kind of skool, though, the religion extends to history and science. One of our field trips was out to a blasted-out mountain (for an interstate highway) to look at the various layers in the rock and the exhibits the state provided to explain a bit about the fossil record and how old this exposed rock is. Our purpose there was to learn how the world lies to us because the world is actually 6000 years old and evolution was complete bull. It was an insane time, and I did everything I could to hide under the disciplinary radar while doing everything I could to resist - reread g my Prehistoric ZooBooks when I got home, reading nothing but Star Trek/Wars, Harry Potter, and Tolkien when always bored at skool, and spending a lot of time in thought trying to figure out if any of the day’s proverbial bull made any sense, which it almost never did. Masking is a result of life experiences. It takes experience to even develop it effectively, but it can also destroy you if you lose too much of yourself when working with those masks…
When you said the bias goes away with text based communication, suddenly my love for discord makes a lot more sense, and probably why most my discord friend group is neurodiverse
I think stimming is more accurately described as discharging neurological tension or involuntary movement aiding neural networks to light up that are linked differently to cognitive/neurological activity than allistic brains. “Stimming” is a moniker that implies an intentional action to “self stimulate” or “self soothe” when in my experience it is my system running a reset, cognitive activation sequence or steam escape valve involuntarily and I have to clamp down neurologically and focus a lot of energy to accomplish not stimming when I am overwhelmed (good or bad overwhelm doesn’t matter) which then creates deficits for me in other cognitive/neuro functions involved. For example: Experience of dyspraxia/hand coordination getting far worse under masking is part of this hypothesis for me that it is a way of my neuro system attending to itself not an infantile self comforting behavior. If I was allistic maybe that interpretation might be valid but I’m not so I am curious how others on the spectrum see it thru this lens. The language applied to the experience or expression of autism impacts us all because it impacts the narrative and perspective. So… neuro reset movements? “NRM’s” as in - “normalizers” - hey I’m just “NRM-ing here. That’s what I’m going to call it from now on- would anyone care to join me? Let’s take the narrative back from the allistic allopaths who pathologize OUR norms.
As a totally blind person who grew up in an institution I am firmly of the belief, as I await assessment for an autism diagnosis, that we need to unmask. The more the 'normal' majority is exposed to differences, the greater the chance that our quirky traits will be absorbed into that 'normal' and be accepted. It's too easy for people to mythologise what they don't understand; and exposure to real individuals is the only way I know to counteract this. It's not easy for we individuals so exposed to deal with the ignorance and prejudice but many disabled people learn early that, for our own societal comfort if for no one elses's, part of our lives must be spent as educators - whether we want it or not. (Sighs deeply).
Yeeah, I'm trying to figure out just who I am, what stims help etc. I lived 40 years under the impression I was a broken person only to learn, "nope, I'm a perfectly fine autistic that is struggling not because she is lesser than, but because the world is NOT designed for her!" This video was especially relatable. I look back on my life and realize how much bullying I have taken over the years.
Super late to the party but so glad to have the 100's of seemingly unrelated characteristics and habits finally come together. Living with autism most of my life and not knowing this has battered my self image, particularly in American society, where strength and confidence (even aggression) are adored. It has left me feeling terribly inadequate. I have something bordering on agoraphobia at this point. Would love to have an autistic friend though.
The being discovered in the first few seconds is the worst part. Going through an interaction when the other person has a mental "I'm with stupid ➡️" shirt on, is demoralizing.
I'm not diagnosed with autism (though I highly suspect it), however I do know that I mask- rather unsuccessfully usually I've found out from others. The only thing that seems to help with not being as socially isolated or singled out as "that's the one we don't talk to" sort of thing, is embracing alternative cultures and ways of dressing that I like. I think it may be because then neurotypical people think "oh, it's not that they are unfriendly that they are acting this way, it's just because they are into something a bit different that I'm into". Sort the "they're quirky" instead of "they're weird" thing.
Yes! I like to lean into the "she's crazy" label a little bit and use humour along with boldness (since I can't run and hide anyways might as well be the center of attention!) And all of a sudden it's goes from "she's crazy" to "she's *CHARISMATIC*!" Being a major fan of pro wreslting has helped me with that btw. Like I think how would I behave if I was Ric Flair right now?
I feel like I pick out other people who are on the spectrum anybody that I've ever considered a friend is on the spectrum only to have things like years later they have kids and end up getting their kids tested and that's how they find out and I'm like you didn't know?
i was diagnosed with autism around a year ago now i found out i was masking for my whole due to bullying it sucks that people bully us just bc they think we’re weird when our brains just function diffrent :(
My both kids (adult (🤣) at 19 or even 23) are autistic, my doc believes that me too, but no formal diagnosis national insurance is poor this year). I have masked my difference (no matter the name it has) for years and enough. Stress shortens my life. It costs too much and somebody's comfort is not worth it. I got disability for both my kids so if they will be hired, they will be hired as who they are. Sometimes stimming, not smiling to people, not having small talks. The people who find it too wired to try to get to know them, will be filtered out first. The rest might be worth talking too. With time. Of course we behave cultural mostly. But why ppl care if my girl goes to Lidl in pajamas and jacket? Our dogs do not care, you know? Why we care about strangers so much. Few ppl around me is quite enough for me.
I found that when Covid hit, we went online and I found how intensely my participation went up when writing in chat. It's almost miraculous, but if I stim, or just leave a podcast chat, no one seems bothered. It's very freeing. After too many low scores on student evals, I decided to stop livestreaming, and only teach asynchronously. My numbers went up. All this time I thought it was my incompetence, but it was probably linked to typical students rejecting me in the first few encounters.
I am trying. But I cannot seem to unmask. Even identifying when, is remarkably difficult. And if I somehow catch a moment and halt the masking, it is followed by a release of adrenaline and fear. When I do mask, I have an almost constant knot in my stomach and shallow breathing. So it seems to be a choice between deep anxiety and outright fear. I am 50 and I have been at it for about half a year. I find the most difficult aspect to be the sorrow of looking back at fifty years of life not knowing why? -All that misplaced self criticism and anguish over failure upon failure to meet expected standards. I desperately want to reach back in time, to ten year old me and tell that boy it isn't his fault. (Dammit, now I made myself cry at a bloody keyboard)
I no longer think my masking is actually improving how I'm perceived at all. My max level masking only makes me seem quiet awkward insecure, and to the more paranoid allistics sneaky and untrustworthy. I might pass on public transport, but not when actually talking to people (and ironically I'm masking much less while commuting, I'm just listening to podcasts and relaxing mostly). I don't think masking ever helped even in job interviews, because with the possible exception of my previous employer*, I think every successful interview has been with at least one interviewer who is autistic or ADHD or both. Every interview with clearly neurotypicals has quickly deteriorated and never gone anywhere. But ever since I started in the current company during the lockdowns, I've gradually started experimenting more with gender expression, I never got used to non stop physical presence after almost 2 years of near 100% virtual meetings; so I only go to the office about once a week on average. I have also gone from suspecting I might be autistic for about 20 years to now feel certain I am, an I'm going to a diagnosis in December; so I have gradually allowed myself to be more weird and dress more feminine and quirky, and not lie (mostly by saying nothing) about how I feel about things differently than neurotypicals. And if anything, everyone and allistics in particular seems more comfortable with my (still slightly) less masked self. I think the mask mostly just makes me seem more sneaky and untrustworthy because I literally am lying about my feelings; but it doesn't actually make me appear "normal" anyway, I still think and talk eccentrically. But by dressing and behaving clearly eccentric too, my overall impression is more congruous and seems more honest. So instead of untrustworthy I'm seen more like an eccentric creative or nutty professor or entertaining amateur comedian. Of course I have the great advantage that I'm really good at my job so they will excuse a lot of weirdness because I'm so productive and I have a sense of humour and comedic skill so I can make jokes that even allistics get out of my divergence. But in any case, I think it's much more useful to be seen as an honest weirdo, than a suspicious weirdo, because "normal" is not an option anyway. And an added advantage of being more overtly neurodivergent is even though allistics might be slightly less inclined to include me, other neurodivergent people is more likely to notice me and include me. I've also noticed with several TH-camrs who came out as autistic, how much more comfortable they are to watch for me when I know that, and blatant unmasking (or failure to mask) has the same effect that I know for sure that they're ND.
Oh, here’s the video where you mentioned Sheldon Cooper and Rain Man! I look forward to hearing your take on perceived or accurate autistic representation in media.
Im imagining a world full of autistic people for example in a store you enter you fellow autistic person he /she is working you dont bother to say hi all of those protocols just take the product leave money go You dont even have to smile pretentiously, say thanks . Nobody is staring nobody in the eye just chill and be your self and always truth Its sound really relieving
I actually get quite angry over the word "masking", and the suggestion by (usually) allistic tormentors that I should "show my true self". My true self is considerate of others, not wanting to make them uncomfortable, and mission-focused, not wanting to generate any distractions from the business at hand. So.. if they can "act professional", so can I. And my true self is also cynical, and suspects that the tormentor is just upset that by "masking", I'm hiding some juicy nugget of "weirdness" that they are denied as further justification for their antisocial behavior. I'm not "diagnosed", nor do I want to put myself through that process, having had health issues where, for example, a score of 13 was required for official recognition and my consistent score was 12.
I dont have an autism diagnosis. I am 30 and I can't find a doctor in my area that will even treat my ADHD let alone consider autism. Even though I used to lay in my room for days just drawing and singing and wondering if I was autistic more than ADHD and Depressed and they just didn't want to tell me because I'm a woman. I still hope some day they'll just treat my ADHD. Last Psychiatrist I went to told a judge I was drug seeking and probably using, said on paper my diagnosis was self assessed even though I told her I'd been diagnosed at 7 and went through various student aide orograns due to it because I couldn't focus on schoolwork. Always to busy with music, drawing and writing by that time. It feels like I'm speaking old english to mondern english speaking people. It's the same language but something always gets lost in translation and then misinterpreted by allistic people. It's awful with doctors.
I think you should report the doctor to their regulatory authority. It is one thing to not be knowledgeable about autism as a professional but it is quite another to give factually incorrect information to a judge with all associated implications
@@camellia8625 I have tried. I keep getting led in a circle with administration. Whether it's for mental or physical health. Lol Sometimes I just auto-dissociate when they do that stuff because there is genuinely nothing you can do as a patient or anyone who needs care. Like... Nothing. And telling them that apparently means you're going to unalive yourself and need detained. Sometimes its like "I'm glad we agree that you're creating severe distress and hopelessness but how am I somehow responsible? 😅" I genuinely do not understand it. My therapist says you have to guide your drs to their own decisions but I don't have the luxury of having the reserves to be holding the hand of a financially, socially, and educationally better off people who absolutely believe they are better than me, to a conclusion several professionals got to before them. It feels both like manipulation and self degradation.
![[Raw & Uncut] Autistic Women Reveal the Truth About High Masking - FULL INTERVIEW](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ZRZVkx9481Q/mqdefault.jpg)
First, I’m glad I found you, I enjoy your videos. The thought of being autistic never crossed my mind until my mask disintegrated due to the emotional and mental toll that grief exacted on me 3 years ago at the age of 54. I felt like I was loosing my mind and I knew it was a different stress than my grief. I was no longer able to tolerate all the sensory discomforts I had taught myself to ignore. I was no longer able to fake coherence while figuring out what a person meant in my head; either coming to an understanding during the interaction or pretending to understand until I worked it out. I was frazzled and on edge and found myself walking around in circles tapping my fingers next to my ears. When I realized what I was doing I’d quickly stop myself for fear of looking “crazy” if I was caught. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon a TH-cam video about masking in ADHD women that I started making the connection to what I was feeling. That led to researching sensory overload and I was finally able to get some mental and physical relief by purchasing ear plugs and keeping the lights dim wherever I was in the house. I have never been diagnosed, as I said, the thought of being on the spectrum never crossed my mind, but looking back on my life I recognize that sensory overload was at the root of cranky behavior and lashing out at seemingly small things.
Welcome, lexadaily. I'm glad you're enjoying my videos. We were not picked up earlier in life, and there's usually >something< that happens, in my experience to make us think twice. -Mike :)
My experience, at 65 (turning 66 this Friday) is so much like yours, I empathize deeply. I didn't realize it at the time but the Russian invasion of Ukraine, which turned my whole life upside-down and, much worse, the lives of the nearest and dearest people on earth to me, threw me into a yearlong kind of panic-mode that took 30 pounds off me, thrust me into non-stop crisis mode, cancelling, as crises will do, my every normal instinct during this relenteless, adrenalin-fueled scramble to find places to live, work to survive, in the midst of anguish over the people back home--this experience, even while I didn't yet know about my ASD status, prepared me for the discovery. The discovery came this May when I was in a place of solitude where, by God's mercy, I was also in an INNER "place" where I was ready to learn this and process it. When the discovery came, unambiguously and like a steamroller, it brought the same paradoxical blend of grief and relief (maybe we autistics should coin that phrase: grief-relief) that I'm sure you and countless others know so well. I knew during the Ukraine-Russia crisis (still going on, of course, but I'm not in 24/7 adrenalin mode anymore) that there was something vastly different about my reactions (I could cry at the mere mention of Ukraine for over a year), and, yes, it was a bit embarrassing but there was NOTHING I could do about it. Now I understand the difference.
I had similar experince to yours only it took over a decade from when my emotional collapse began in 2009 until my formal diagnosis in 2022 at age 57 to understand what was going on. I litterally thought I was going mad. It was my girlfreind who suggested I might be autistic in 2021. I dove into the topic on TH-cam and was stunned by the sense of recognition and empathy I felt for people like you - and me.
...and I wore earplugs for decades. I never leave the house without sunglasses either, and it's been like that since I was a teenager. I thought what I expereinced in crowded noisy places were panic attacks and agoraphobia. I saw psychologists and psychiatrists for decades trying to find relief. I fired my last and final shrink after litterally begging him to tell me what was wrong with me.
...and getting no answer.
I was suic*dal at that point. It was 2018 - another 4 years to go before I found the answer. With the help of people like you, and creators like Autistic AF.
As a final note, it was ketam*ne infusion theraphy admisntered by an anethesiologist that snapped me out of the suic*dal thought loop that tortured me. It was an intense expereince, and I'm medically phobic, but I did it as a last resort.
It worked. Immediately. If you or anyone reading this is struggling with such thoughts, please consider it. There are many more clinics now.
Good luck, and thanks for being couragious enough to share your experience. It matters, and so do you.
I tried it once and it wasn’t for me, but then again I don’t like whip its either and that’s the closest thing I could compare it to. I’m also late diagnosed level 1 asd and I’m genuinely interested in the experience you had with k and how it affected you? What did it feel like?
Crying about war, displacement and brutality is the only sane response, you are not alone. I cry about the wars in Ukraine and Gaza and elsewhere on a daily basis. I pray daily for deliverance from the ravages of war for all concerned. Bless you for your morality and humanity. I’m so sorry for all you have been through. May we learn to be peaceful and find strength in solidarity.
“I’m autistic. Not a broken neurotypical.”
That hit me, it was good to hear it said, thank you! ❤
If I had 1$ for every time I was bullied and did not understand why, I'd be at the very least a millionaire by age 25.
(A whole life with roughly 80 years is just 1.8 million hours.)
@@antman7673 That was similar to my first thought, too. But... Umm... counting bullying for 5 min per instance x 8 people participating each instance = 40 "times" ... @ 6 (5-min segments) per hr = 240 times... he might achieve reach a higher count... ??
My Autistic brain has noticed a pattern. The ratio of likes to comments will be near 1:1 for autism channels. Or at the very least it's much closer to 1:1 than most other channels. You will also see that the comments are much longer in comparison. I love how I am starting to understand WHY we are like this. You have a great grasp of what's going on in my old knowledge bowl!
Excellent points. I’ve got a couple of comments that I **want to** sit and read really well to give a proper understanding and answer. That’s think unusual too outside the autism space.
Yes
My jaw just dropped reading this comment!
Oh my God, if no one is gonna make a spreadsheet, then I will.
I’m also picking up on patterns in the lifestyles of autistic individuals like religiosity and lgbqt status. I would like to see a video for more of this research
I definitely relate to the desire to be more straight forward as a society rather then rely on social cues, hints, or insinuations.
Why didn't anyone give me the instruction guide to this place!?😂
For real. I say exactly what I mean. And I don't mean anything else by it. People are always trying to read into something I say rather than just listen to the words I am saying. This has led to several awkward and confusing moments. Many times with me telling them that I was being literal. And I meant exactly what I was saying and no more. I don't play the mind games.
Yeah honestly, why would people do that, sarcasm and such? Why do people not just say straight?
Sometimes they even look uncomfortable when I ask them, or when I correctly guess their attention.
I don't like doing these extra steps just to make comfortable conversation
it's so hard being real while the rest lives a fake af life. I'm so tired of humanity and their stupidity!!!!
@@erwinzer0I recently sorted out that the purpose of sarcasm is to say things that would get someone in trouble to say without actually saying them, as in “Oh, yeah, the boss is GREAT, just AWESOME!”. 🙄 Rather like the point of calculus is to divide by zero without actually dividing by zero. 🤓
Yes! The "Why didn't anyone EVER TELL me that?" experience. The story of my life. Turning 66 this week, discovered my ASD status this May. I live in a completely different world now--no, two different worlds, both of them totally alien to the one I used to live in. But this is good because the one I used to live in was a miasma of surreality. The two worlds I live in now are both real: the real experience of my autism, and the real experience of a neurotypical world around me. They are both real, they are both manageable, they are compartmentalizable, and I can now make choices I could never make before. The old world, which was no real world at all, is dead and gone forever, thank God. The new ones, I am learning creatively, even joyfully, how to straddle, how to move in and out of one and the other, and how to be consciously at peace if I must make the CHOICE to mask in certain ways, no longer because I'm at the deepest level ashamed of my most instinctive, visceral reactions but because I can now honor them within yet hold some of them at bay, telling them, "Not now, it's okay, relax, just play this moment as necessary, not because your 'real' self is bad, but because you need to concede to these people's incapacity to relate, so consider it 'noblesse oblige,' a concession to weaker people." And that works. Conscious, strategic masking is nothing like as devastating, psychologically and, yes, physically, as a lifetime of desperate pretending. In fact, I don't find the conscious, stragetic, good-humored kind of "masking" devastating at all. As long as I'm not berating and demeaning myself, not even on the subtlest of levels, within. Plus, the conscious kind of masking isn't a lifestyle, it's not a life sentence, you know it's a moment social concession, not a cognitive prison. Yes, just like you said, you no longer assume, even without the vocabulary but viscerally, that you are a "broken (incompetent, hopeless, misfit) neurotypical"; rather, you now know you are a stellarly resourceful, creative, autistic human being, with a wealth of experience and insight that came very hard but, yes, it's yours now, and it's something incredibly unique and powerful in society, arming you with insights that other people, autistic AND allistic, profoundly need.
"the conscious kind of masking isn't a lifestyle, it's not a life sentence, you know it's a moment social concession, not a cognitive prison"
I could not have put it better myself. Thanks for being here, Ken.
@@Autistic_AF 🙂 (my misprint; "a moment's social concession") Thank you!
I’m very struck by the wisdom, humor, and acceptance of what you wrote here. I was diagnosed three years ago at age 51, and although I generally feel much more balanced now, I still deeply struggle sometimes. I tend to view self-acceptance and masking as opposites, which creates so much internal tension. Your description of Conscious Masking really helps me conceptualize how both can exist and help me navigate life. I suspect that, if I can truly integrate this, I can find my beautiful autistic joy again.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences 🌻✨
This is a precious comment you left, Ken. I guess I clicked on this video because I was looking for alternatives. All the other autism channels say "unmask, unmask, unmask"! And I know it is a process I will go through in some form, but... it sounds exhausting. I am about to have my third baby, and just discovering I am autistic. Is now REALLY the best time to reshape and rediscover my entire identity? Your comment gave me just the perspective that I needed. As long as I'm getting by alright I don't have to unmask right now. The mask is a tool I can choose to use. And in the meantime I can give myself more grace, and change my self-talk, because I am not a broken neurotypical. ❤️ I hope to soon be as in-touch with my inner world as you are.
Just seen this comment. Thank you for sharing. I quite agree. Thanks for watching and reading. Thanks, Ken too as always. -Mike
I found out I am autistic about 3 weeks ago by a psychologist. Watching videos on autism, I realised that my quirks and uphill battles were not due to me being stupid and lazy (well, mostly), and that my constant exhaustion is directly linked to masking. This video speaks to me in so many levels.
After I received my ASD diagnosis, I analyzed my masking and figured that it would be best for MY sake to keep masking. Allistic people are not able to bend even a little bit to understand what I am saying when I am not masking. So I go to great lenghts to adapt and deliver the information their way. Otherwise they will not understand and they will not care even though they should've - in my job for example. Needless to say I spend a lot of my time home alone waiting for my Oscar to arrive.
I relate to this ❤
A very close friend wanted to hang out with me one Saturday. He has a partner now, so this is the first time we've been able to just relax and chat alone together for some time. It was a wonderful day by my reckoning. Such a great reconnection. But, on Monday morning he texted me and told me he was so worried for me and thought I should see a doctor. As it turns out, I thought it was a glorious day of chatting, he didn't understand anything, not a sentence, I said. He spent the next day trying to make sense of all the diversions and twists and asides and side quest stories and analog proofs, and he just couldn't make out what I was trying to explain.
I love this guy dearly as a friend, but I'm not going back. He'll have to learn anew, just like I have to. We've since *texted* and we both have understanding of what was going on that day. Welcome to meeting your good friend for the first time as an autist. I realized later that night, after our convo, that he is the first person I've ever totally 'dropped shields' with. He and I met the 'realer' me for the first time that day. I guess this is how it works as you unmask. I'm not alarmed. I'm just beginning as my new, previously sublimated, Self emerges.
I completely agree in that masking is completely necessary if you are in an allistic work environment. They can't handle someone who doesn't. Even if an autistic person is just minding their own business. They can't handle it. It upsets them terribly.
Yeah. They're kinda fragile in that way.
Yes! I mask whenever in public for that reason.
Yep. Ignoring allistic people and leaving them alone hurts their feelings. They need lots of verbal pets, like dogs need physical pets… 🤔
Defecate in a normies food
@kyriacostheofanous1445 um no thank you..
I bring a crochet project with me most places I go. It is a soothing, repetative motion. And I am often counting stitches as I go. And it keeps my hands busy. And most neurotypical people end up asking questions about what I am making. It's an easy way to slip past neurodivergent detectors.
I do the same! I'm so happy to have found crochet.
I always wondered why interacting with people makes me so tired and exhausted. I have always needed a lot of alone time. It's all of the small talk, the feigning enthusiasm, and keeping up appearances. "The Social Dance" is what I like to call it.
I DO find, however, I sort of have a sixth sense for seeking out... open-minded (?) people. I seem to gravitate towards them naturally. The people I am closest to (which are very few) accept that I'm a bit odd and may react in unexpected ways. I usually let my guard down around them, and I'm not as tired after having spent time with them. 🖤 But with strangers, I'm forever vigilant. At least until I can figure out if they're "safe". 🙂
I absolutely love it when my dark, sarcastic, bitter, ironic and self-deprecating humor is appreciated. There are not that many people that "get" me like that. But boy, do I love the ones that do. 🖤
Lovely video! 🖤 And I would have to concur. Late diagnosed autistics are kind of "stuck". I would love nothing more than to be able to completely unmask. But my inner critical voice (she sounds an awful lot like my mom, btw) would never allow for that. And truth be told, until there is more understanding and acceptance of neurodivergents, masking is sometimes the lesser of two evils. 🤔😞
Thanks for the upload! 😸
🙂👍 X Sara
Hey, Sara! Nice to see you again. I can heavily relate to your comment! Thank you for your kind words about my video. Take care :)
Well, they expect us to understand them, maybe we should insist they at least try to understand us? We don’t need their permission to exist. Theoretically they are just our peers, why should we jump through their hoops? It’s a 2 way street.
I’m 47 years old, I’ve been at this so long I don’t even know who the hell the real me is.
I appreciate this channel.
I appreciate your comment! I know the struggle too as a fellow late identified autistic person. We’ll get there.
I very much relate to this, as do a lot of the late diagnosed. I love my wife dearly, but how much of “me” is carefully assembled to fit in with her neurotypical friends and family?
I personally have gotten to the point where I do what I call “being aggressively autistic”, and by this I mean i disclose my autism right away to pretty much anyone i decide to be friends with and if they happen to be allistic, I give them a whole speech where i tell them about my stimming and why i do it, and that I’m gonna do whenever i want and if they don’t like then I don’t need them in my life. I now have a nice circle that includes a handful of allistic people who understand :)
Great way of filtering out people you likely wouldn’t click with anyway
First off, you're the first person that ever mentioned the leg bouncing. I've done that my whole life, and, I don't bother trying to hide it. I'm glad at least one other person beside me does it. I get told a lot to stop shaking the table, the chair, the sofa, etc. And, "can't you sit still?!" (Why actually...since you asked...nuh-uh). Second, I'm nearing 60. I went a lifetime undiagnosed, never REALLY fitting in but always trying. I've been to the doctors. ADHD is a given; Autism was likely but since I already know, and they know, I told them I didn't see the purpose of an official diagnosis, and they understood and didn't bother enforcing it. Knowing personally definitely provides a reason for a lifetime of not-fitting and the pain of exclusion. And knowing definitely means I understand those moments when I'm frozen because autism says 'no' and adhd says 'heck yeah'. I also have begun cutting myself slack when the same simple things bring me to the point of overhwelm, like getting dishes done, or organizing my home, but perform like a pro in any situation where adrenaline is naturally occurring. I found your video extremely entertaining and personable. Thanks for sharing.
Ditto. Others have shamed me for it at times. It's not even a conscious act. Now I run my fingertip around the knuckle of my thumb in a circular motion, only realizing I'm doing it when it starts burning.
I feel the emotions you express about the masking predicament we find ourselves in. Really feel for you. I was diagnosed at 57. Everything made sense, except how to move forward. I've trying to reboot ever since, but keep losing my social footing. I'm either too much or not enough for most people. I'm smart, so I can't be disabled. Groups....the worst aspects of people seem to come out when they form herds.
There's no going back. Diagnosis of autism is the ultimate red-pill journey. We are alien to allistic culture and norms. They are based on concealment and lies. They are enforced by exclusion and shame. Silently. Secretly.
They are dangerous to us. Our masks are not the same thin paper party favors worn by neurotypicals.
Society forces us into toxic leaden armor. To survive.
and it slowly kills us.
Either way, we lose. I've chosen to remove my armor. I fight exist openly now as an autistic person. Fight using the love in my heart for humanity, one person at a time. Fight for connection and understanding and recognition through my music and writing.
I fail. Mostly. But not always.... ;-)
What a strange place we find ourselves in eh? Nobody saying what they mean, and we are the a$$holes. Feared and hated for speaking the truth. Being ourselves. Not conforming to expectations. Not pursuing covert agendas. Makes no sense, except that it makes perfect sense.
You feel me, autistic people?
I was just diagnosed Autistic 4 weeks ago at age 40, so I'm on this journey of self discovery and acceptance with you. It's been difficult to process and try and figure out "where do I go from here", but videos like yours helps me to feel like I'm not alone in this journey.
Thank you, Angel - you are too kind. I didn’t know if these videos would be seen by anyone yet alone help them - I’m so glad I’ve been able to help even in a small way. You’re not alone. -Mike
@@Autistic_AF Please keep doing what you are doing and putting your voice and lived experience as a fellow Autistic person out into the world. We are not alone, we have a community of literally "like minded" people, and we can be there for each other in a world that sometimes seems confusing, overwhelming, and isolating at times.
Well said! 💚
This was a great video! I am almost 42 and not diagnosed autistic but going to look into it. My half brother is autistic and my youngest daughter is showing signs of autism. It didn’t occur to me that I might be autistic until my current boyfriend, who is diagnosed autistic, told me he thinks I might be. And it’s a lot of lightbulb moments and information I never knew about, I’m almost hoping I am at this point because it would explain so much.
I'm currently in the pre-assessment researching phase of the journey (which is primarily watching and listening to autistic creators like yourself). The "not a broken neurotypical but a good autistic person" comment really hits hard in a good way. Thank-you for making this journey easier.
I was diagnosed a few years ago at 35 years old. Nobody ever suspected I was autistic, and that includes several psychologists, therapists and councillors. I randomly stumbled on a TH-cam video and the years of torment suddenly made sense. I sought an official diagnosis immediately, and was told my very high intelligence likely allowed me to muddle through life without anyone figuring it out. I have been trying to unmask since my diagnosis, but have found I am a hollow shell. I do not know who I am, or even what I like. Everything I ever did was in furtherance of this other person who I wanted people to see. I don't know what I am or if I ever will know...
Hey! Your partner pointed me in the direction of your videos. Your videos are excellent. You cover some things that I’ve been internally deliberating/fighting over and hearing your thoughts as a second opinion has been really validating. Will be continuing to watch.
Edited to add: I’m 35 and have come to the realisation (revelation!) very recently that I likely am autistic.
👋 Hello, Kristina and thank you so much for your lovely comments 😊. In my opinion, non-autistic people don’t spend a lot of time thinking that they might be autistic - you could well be right. I only considered this possibility at 42 so, try not to worry about the late part of the late self diagnosis :)
The Autistic community online generally welcomes self diagnosis for many reasons (I’ll go into soon!).
Take care, Mike x
I have always tried so hard to understand my son but I know I fail. I just can not wrap my brain around how he sees the world and how he feels. I try to let him do what makes him comfortable. I just found your videos about 15 minutes ago and already have a slightly better understanding of how he may see the world around him. Thank you!
You are very welcome. 🤗 regards to your son!
Welcome ;)x
Autistamatic is also an excellent source on TH-cam. Well recommended. X
Wooo! Late diagnosed asd leg-bouncer club!!!!!
I find you insanely charming 🌸 thank you for taking a useful contrarian opinion.
I'm honestly blushing, not sure where that compliment came from! But thank you. And yes, whilst we hear a lot about how unmasking is better for our mental health (sure, it can be) - masking serves a useful purpose. I think the ultimate goal is to mask consciously and demask reliably.
I have been trying to live unmasked for the last 3 years and I have found that I am much less desirable, I didn’t really think about them being related. Thank you for your videos and helping me understand.
Thank you! ☺️
Thank-you for being so vulnerable Mike. I could actually feel the distress with you as you spoke. I like the way @NeurodiverJENNt said it: "I'm not a broken neurotypical person.. I've been a perfectly fine neurodivergent person this whole time!".
It’s the biggest revelation I’ve ever had - it turns your internal story around, like the biggest plot twist.
“You mean to say, I’m autistic now?”
“You always were…”
*Him saying that neurotypical people tend not to interact with neurodivergent people
*Me being proud that I’m neurotypical and am still friends with neurodivergent people
*Him saying that neurodivergent people tend to seek out neurodivergent people
*Me: uhh, am I…
I actually struggled to mask growing up, I never even got diagnosed until 25-ish. I thought I was just bad at being "normal", but right after highschool (all grade school was hell), I went to art school, and I WAS NORMAL! EVERYONE there was just weird in some way, so no one really minded anything that anyone did. Sadly, I wasn't really good enough at art, but from ages 18-20 I was just accepted as "the weird creative person" and life was so much better. Then I had a year of hell as a professional chef working in a hospital kitchen. I got bullied there worse than I did in grade school. So I got burnt out, and ended up moving away and going to university again. This time I did Anthropology. Studying humans and the diversity of their existence was my calling. I learned ways to act that were way easier and less stressful than regular masking, and learned how to explain things in this mix of academic language and analogies. The best part was that (almost) everyone loved me because I was so good at asking the right questions to figure out why and what the "social/cultural norms" were for any given group or activity, observing it in great detail naturally, and I could even easily spot the biases that other researches bring to their research from their own background growing up. I only got diagnosed at age 25, and that was because I was already getting diagnosed for something else and the psychiatrist went "if you would like to, I would like you to book another appointment because you may have ASD judging by our conversation.", and tbh it feels good to know I just have autism and am not broken or cursed or anything. But back to anthropology, because of my autism, I was naturally removed enough from the subconscious biases of what is "normal" or "mundane", the nuances and intuitive reasons as to why, that I was writing research on a near graduate level before even getting half way through my undergrad. I had deep conversations with professors in the philosophy, sociology, anthropology, and psychology departments because of my ability to spot things that allistic people don't think twice about. Just today I had a chat with a naturopathic doctor who gave a guest lecture for my class, and we talked about my paper on a better way to evaluate (and alleviate) food insecurity (and the health issues that surround it), and she wants to get me in touch with the health sciences department to get me started on a thesis rewrite of my paper. I'm not finished my undergrad yet still. Autism is a superpower when you find the environment that vibes with with you. I wish everyone can find the environment they thrive in.
I am 63 and just recently figured out I am autistic. Thanks for putting these videos together, they are very helpful!
Congratulations on your realisation! And you’re too kind 😊
61 and same. In the process of getting a diagnosis…
Good video. I was diagnosed at 30 years old, which is very recent. I am not good at masking; I pass my life, even in familiar settings, as a "direct person." This has made my relationships with my family very difficult. At work, I noticed I was constantly tired. I tried not to socialize too much to have energy for work, but socialization is always there. The good thing is that I observed patterns of conversation that people like, and I try to incorporate them into my conversations; this works for some time. However, trying to fit in causes more scars than giving me good things. No matter how hard I try, people will choose those who can socialize more easily. In a work culture, if you are a savant, they will support your traits because you are too valuable. If you are autistic but not a savant, they will still support you, but if you don't have those specific traits, don't be too much yourself. I am trying to unmask at home as much as I can and working on the mental problems that a late autistic diagnosis can bring. I hope all autistic people who discover that they are autistic finally realize that they are valuable, and it doesn't matter what people think. Continue to work on yourself.
Thanks, Caren. I know what you mean - and I believe the majority of autistic people sit somewhere in the ‘uncomfortable zone’ - like you say, not supported at all. I agree with your hope - that all autistic people realise that they are valuable. In and of themselves - not because of what they can contribute, but just as they are. Thanks for being here. -Mike
Hi, Mike! Thank you for sharing these thoughts 💜 I’m 54, and in therapy since I was diagnosed about 3 years ago. I used to chronically burn out from all the (unknown) masking, and mess up friendships regularly. Now I use a lot of energy dealing with consequences when I’m very unmasked- but mayyyyybe it’s somewhat less chronically stressful (?). I’ve been fortunate that nothing has been cataclysmic, but there’s a lot of strain. And I fear I’ve lost the spinny-Joy I had decades ago, after all the stress of juggling the masks and relationship stressors.
I’m going to check if you’ve done a video on that yet- when you feel you’ve already lost pieces of yourself from being so late-diagnosed. If you haven’t, I’d be grateful to see that someday, if you feel like addressing that topic.
Subscribed✨
Hi Lisa, you're welcome, of course. I've only touched on it, but I'll add this to my video backlog list! Thank you for being here -Mike
I am still on the fence to consider myself autistic
It’s been quite a journey and I am trying to find more documentation on what I think, feel and do. This sir is so far the channel I needed. You gained one more subscriber
Thank you for the content you’re putting out there
I don’t really care what family and/or friends of mine think. If they can’t accept me as is they can go to hell because they certainly do expect me to accept them as is. If the respect can’t be mutual, screw them. The real problem is with employment. They’re literally paying you no t to be yourself( which is exhausting). I chose to give up fighting my nature and settle for unskilled employment. It’s less of a sacrifice and I don’t have to tolerate nearly as much from disrespectful people as I have much less to lose. Sometimes it’s very inconvenient, but overall it’s best for me.
If you are autistic, your family likely is and their mask is unable to accept the truth at the time. Remember, empathy.
Yes this
Love your comment 😍
Yes. I have a masters degree but I’m working as a custodian. I had gotten so far into burnout from office jobs that I couldn’t even look for a job for three years.
The last 5 minutes of this is simply splendid. At least for me, and I imagine for many others. The realization that being Autistic isn't something we need to FIX about ourselves, but something we can EMBRACE is simply amazing. The problem is not us, it is the idea that we are all supposed to be similar or even the same. I'm new to this, but it is hard to not have neurodivergence explain most, if not all of my life struggles. Keep up the great work, Mike
Thank you, Kew. I completely agree. 👍
I'm so happy I found your channel. I was diagnosed last year at 46. I'm also a developer. You have made me feel much less alone in so much and taught me quite a bit already. I'm happy to hear someone mention that research, btw. Love your stuff!
Thanks, Christopher! Developers unite! 👨💻 👨💻. I’m glad you’re here and I’m so happy to hear I’ve been able to help even in a small way through TH-cam videos. Take care and thank you for your kindness. -Mike
I'm so glad I learned that masking isn't a weird think to do. Thanks for uploading!
It will forever infuriate me that people who are neurotypical will mistreat and even abuse neurodivergent people
I get bullied at work all the time and I don't even bother to try fitting in anymore.
As soon as you said "bouncing my leg" I started bouncing my leg and now I can't stop. Apparently just mentioning similar stimming traits triggers such stimming to start - in other aspies 😅😅
Hi Mike! I just found your channel and I really like the way you speak. Your videos are also so visually pleasing with the low background lighting. Subscribed!
Hello 👋
Thank you so much. Honestly, I didn’t think anyone would watch these so I’m really grateful you liked them!
☺️
70 year old female...
Realized I was autistic during pandemic,
which gave me time I had never had in life.
Unmasking, even more than dealing with others,
is a question of discovering who I may be...
after masking so very effectively for decades.
Using what is left of my life to revel in the relief of just having permission to be myself.
Definitely reading Devon Price's book for all the tips on doing that more effectively.
IM neurodivergent and have PTSD. i gotten to a point where IM having to give up and fall so i can rebuild the things i like and can live whit about myself and my environment. but it made me self isolate a lot, unable to work. and don't socialize whit ppl much right now. my self worth sucks. un the up though. i don't have paralyzing and numbing Panic attacks nearly as often. and IM learning to accept and explain reactions and thought better to those i do socialize whit. one day i will make the voices less influential in my everyday life and self worth. i already made progress in this at times. but its a struggle. had no chose sens i crashed trying to keep everything inside. offing myself was a struggle mental battle rather then just find a way to be. not over it yet, not even close sens there is ptsd trauma to deal whit as well. but every battle won is a something i treasure now. and the joy of managing to clean the house, go to a gathering or have meningsfull interactions whit others whit out going home anxious is worth it i think.
💙"every battle won is a something i treasure now" - absolutely. You've got to celebrate the wins.
Fab content! I'm recalling the encouragement/ reassurance from my allistic partner before encountering new people: "you'll be fine love, just don't be yourself" 😂
You've covered such a lot here and, this is a suggestion not a criticism, shorter videos will reach more people ( many of us have ADHD too) eg this could've been split into 3
That’s some advice lol! Haha. Thanks for your kind words - and your suggestion to break the content down further. -Mike
Never thought about it like maybe I’m just good at being an autistic adult, like not broken just autistic thank u bestie
We're not broken neurotypicals, but whole autistics! :-)
Hi Mike, great video! The part of task-loading for social situations really rings with me, I knew it before knowing I'm autistic that most people are much more natural at this and it's tiring for me. I masked heavily to the point that a lot of people think that I'm an outgoing person, I am very capable of lying to the point of being compulsive especially on small issues (which gets big later on), I lied to let people know that I'm okay, I'm tough and can take more tasks, or worse because I actually don't know how to answer how I'm feeling at the moment, it took a toll on my mental health and my ability to be genuine.
Since my autism journey I tried a lot of things that helped: started mindful meditation to learn to identify my feelings, chosing a select few people who I trust that I can unmask, talk about my autism, and other struggles. I do agree it's not all good to completely unmask in every situation suddenly, people did freak out and some think I acted autistic for attention and leniency. It's not safe in a lot of situations and it hurts more from closed ones.
The career choice was really hard, balancing my mental health needs cs what I like vs what pays took some grieving. Steering away from jobs that require me to do spontaneous responses and needing my body language to match with what I mean. I have a mechanical engineering degree and now I'm learning game development.
On another hand I think I have inconsistent social tolerance too, I happen to enjoy music busking while I dread sales jobs. Relating to music being one of my intense interest maybe? (Yes, I found the word intense interest more suitable)
Cheers from Thailand!
Hello again 👋 and thank you 🙏
Sometimes we hit a crunch point and HAVE to make a decision balancing how draining a job role can be and how much it pays. In one of my contract jobs, I begged to quit - it was so draining but the client did not want to let me go… a story for another video.
I’ve uploaded a video on employment issues, the first of many, I hope - there’s much to discuss. -Mike
@@Autistic_AF I saw the thumbnail after watching your video of the reddit wedding story. Will watch and thanks in advance!
You are so spot on and well spoken putting all of this to words. I relate to this. Thank you for making and sharing these videos❤️
Thank YOU so much! ☺️
I should be sleeping, as it's past 4 am, but after watching your latest video, and finding you so well spoken and charming, that I wanted to check out your channel/other videos. This may sound odd, but I particularly enjoyed watching your expressions and mannerisms as you were speaking. 😅☺
To be honest, most of the people I've met, who I only later found out are autistic, I simply found them quirky and quite talkative (I met them via online gaming or at university in the 'geeky/nerdy' clique). Ended up dating someone with ASD, as well, and, honestly, I felt he had superpowers and his quirky traits quite endearing. 😅
I have wondered in the past if I might be on the spectrum, and have even had friends/close acquaintances suggest or joke about it, but I don't fit quite a lot of the criteria, imo. However, after speaking with a therapist recently to help with depression, they suggested that I could have ADHD. From my, admittedly, minimal understanding, there's some overlap between ASD and ADHD. Perhaps that's why I've had people make that suggestion. Who knows?
Apologies for rambling. As stated, it was already past 4 am when I started this comment. 😂
Subscribed and looking forward to watching your other vids and seeing new ones, as well. ☺
Thank you for your lovely comment, @nemisiscat! ☺️. I’m really glad you’ve enjoyed watching my videos :).
Your dating/university story is evidence that neurodivergent people seek each other out!
ADHD and ASD are related conditions, and have many similar symptoms. And it is only relatively recently (DSM5) that psychologists have been able to diagnose both! (AuDHD) and the majority of Autists have ADHD symptoms. Including, me.
Thank you again for such a lovely comment, and I hope you get the most restful sleep! 🛌 -Mike
Whenever I have talked to NTs about autism and what we struggle with, I have never been met with a negative response even once!
But I tend to speak more indirectly as I don't see why i should be brutal all the time. So while I can read social cues, it's my lack of energy and my anxietu that I struggle with.
I do think we should be getting the help we deserve, despote how uncomfortable others get. Because human rights.
Who wants others temporary feelings to be among the few obstacles between you and your needs being met? It the roles were reversed, there would be mass protests across the globe.
Omfg, you made the NHS spine?! That's super impressive. I always thought that software was freaking amazing.
I completely forgot about how often people would immediately accuse me of faking when I would do things like what you did in school, just imitate someone else. I think the sort of bullying that came out of that very quickly led to me learning to just not talk and not be myself and to create a really really good masked persona so no one could threaten me again or so I would stop losing friends that I liked.
I am glad I found you. I love your work. You are smart and enjoyable. Your videos are a gift.
Awww thank you :)
Terrific video. I quietly observe others without staring and notice when they are representing themselves based on the people whom are in their presence. I learned to have three masks: quiet and apparently still while carefully tensing and relaxing muscles throughout my body, pleasant and productive while smiling and occasionally glancing at others and nodding, and my favorite mask is the friendly extroverted actor where I can introduce myself and pose prepared questions about some current event and feigning ignorance with the goal of them leaving me alone while they’re engaged in their respective conversations. Someone had asked if I was an actor and I replied that only when I’m around other people.
Brilliant channel... love your honesty and charisma! And the very coherent analysis and discussion :) look forward to seeing more
Thank you so much! 😊 you’ve made my day with your ultra kind comment! 🙏 -Mike
THANK YOU for your wonderful videos! DX'ed at 58, I'm struggling with at the same time experiencing the greater expression of my autistic Self and unmasking as an upper-level manager in a large bank. Return to office has been a nightmare for me. Over the last year, I've been working every day to unmask, just a little bit, incrementally. After a year, I'm finally feeling happy as me, however I present to others. With that happiness has come the self-acceptance where I find I'm at least partially unmasked most days now. It helps that I'm LGBTQ+ and out, so I'm used to collecting odd stares and comments from some and just ignoring them or chuckling. Their discomfort loses impact once you accept yourself and realize, the commenter has likely never encountered their own Self, hence the comments. Your comments about allistic masking are both so true and so inspiring. I've been (what seems to be) hyper masking all my adult life starting around age 10 after lots of brutal teasing. I'm one whose brain just ran out of energy and focus at 58 making me feel like I was going crazy. No. My brain was taking me home to learn to know and honor my Self.
Unfortunately, the forms of repetition I came up with (in part because others were en-forcefully stopped by my schooling) turn to things that were typical of people with anxiety. I have done some of this to the point of damage. Biting at nails and cuticles to the point of damage to both fingers and teeth. Pacing, lots and lots of pacing. Cracking knuckles and stretching fingers back. Stroking my chin in thought. All automatically shifted to due to being easier to explain away honestly without scrutiny. "I pace to think" or "I'm just nervous" or "I'm just tired" were easy to explain away the actions.
Giving AF about social pageantry can't be all there is to masking though. If that would be the essence of masking, which I never cared about the first place, I would not have been missed by "the system" for the first 35 years of my life and I wouldn't have to advocate for myself still trying to convince people without a diagnosis at 38 that 3 out of 4 manifestations of the autistic experience, are my experience.
I don't know how to unmask and be myself, because I can't relate to being anyone else than I portray myself to be by default. But I still have a mask on. How can I tell?
The last two weeks I trained myself not to suppress when I am stressed, because apparently that's a thing I did, and I only noticed it with a new fitness tracker. I wear a smart watch with a continuous stress tracker. First I thought it was a gimmick, then one day I saw a graph, a daily summary which has shown, in minute-precision when I have received an unpleasant phone call, when I have been arguing with a family member, when I underwent medical examination on the same day. That's when I started training myself with the use of the watch to listen to my body when I am having a stress response. After 2 weeks I can reliably tell when I am stressed by feeling the symptoms, then looking at my watch for confirmation, and now I barely miss a stress episode. I am stressed right now as I am sharing this, and I don't have to look at the watch for confirmation anymore, I feel it, I learned to recognize it (there, I just looked, I was right).
So apparently this was part of my masking. What else there is to my mask? I have no clue... and that annoys me, because I have proof that I was suppressing things, proof that I am doing something that is not a deliberate effort, so I can't just stop doing it.
I now believe at 35 that I was masking Autism my whole life 😂
I seem a lot more Authentically Autistic since I've been out of school 😅
I'm self diagnosed by the way but I have told my doctor about it. My family also think I have it too 😂
Self-diagnosis is valid!
And yes, if you're 35 and autistic, then you have been masking autistic symptoms for your whole life. Except maybe the earliest first bits :)
When I dropped the masking in conversations with family members and explained what was going on behind the scenes ie that I am autistic and there are some unusual skills I have but also some deficits that cause me to be misunderstood, it did not go well.
I was re-evaluated as a self-professed incompetent who could not be taken seriously even in areas where I excelled beyond anything they were capable of.
In one case the person who re-evaluated me negatively was a very obvious autist, but in denial.
Some autists KNOW what they are. This person did NOT. It led me to re-evaluate THEM (sympathetically), realising their past social difficulties were due to their own autism, not the people they were with.
My attempts to explain to inform them of their own autism were rebuked severely, as if I was telling them they had some horrible disease (that they were happy for me to have, but didn't want it themselves).
I came to the conclusion that it is only safe to drop the mask with others who are (a) autistic and (b) KNOW they are.
With NTs, just keep up the mask, it saves a hell of a lot of wasted time, and it avoids a change from what they are used to. They don't want to make the effort to understand.
You learned about true human nature just being a bucket of crabs due to the drive of the ego
you speak so well, i enjoy watching your vids :-)
Thank you ☺️ 💚
Excellent! Thank you.
this was amazing! i was diagnosed autistic over a year ago now. learning about my brain has helped so much with my mental health. the concept of masking changed my life. it’s been really hard to process this diagnosis but it’s easier every day. now i’m proud of being autistic! i was absolutely gutted at first lol! i’m still learning about my autism, this video was very helpful for that. thank you
I said to a therapist once, 'Kids can spot autism and any differences, in seconds. The NHS could speed through autism pre assesment wait list by asking a kid! In a room full of ppl a kid can spot us a mile off.
That's a fair point! Get those thin slice judgements into the diagnostic criteria! :)
in my experience, kids did indeed spot there was something different about me well before the adults came around to the idea that I wasn't being this way on purpose...
Autistic people can also often spot other autistic people from a mile away
this is the most relatable video on this topic i've seen yet! 💛💚
i've been an "expert" at masking for 40 years because i've never been called out on it (as far as i'm aware.)
i only just found out i've had inattentive ADHD all my life and started working through it the best i can. there seems to be a lot of overlap with autism but from the videos i've seen about autism i didn't quite fit the (self) diagnosis. thank you 🙏 the way you explain it in your videos, it has finally clicked with me 💙💜
Thanks, Nolan. I’m really glad my video was relatable. Honestly, until starting this channel a month ago, I was moderately concerned about feeling out of place. But thought, what the hell and did it anyway lol. There is lots of overlap with Autism - in terms of symptoms, but the underlying reasons are different. And it wasn’t until DSM5 that it was possible to be diagnosed/identified with both. Thank you 🙏 -Mike
Mike, your content and all the terrific comments continue to be a lifeline for me of feeling seen and understood, of a place I belong and can be accepted. I’m so grateful to you for your courage and community service in creating and providing this channel. Thank you!!!!!
I've been so harshly "corrected" which really equated to abuse IMHO, I've had to go no contact and lost literally all my friends. Late dx after surviving breast🎀 bc I couldn't hold masking together anymore nor could I handle how ppl I thought loved me were treating me. I am as unmasked as I can be at home. Everywhere else I'm pretty Masked up to keep myself safe. Dreaming of a day where I can just go for a walk & be in Autistic Joy 😊
💜 -Mike
"I'm not broken.". That's a phrase that always tears me up, in a good way. I agree 100% with everything you said about the catch-22 between masking and unmasking. Thank you. It's good to feel like I'm not alone in that. No matter how many times I am reminded that I'm not broken, and not alone, the impact of it never lessens.
@@PaulaRoederer 🧡
Excellent video! Nailed it.
Awww ☺️ thank you, Jenn! I love your content! 😍 ⭐️-Mike
In our class ( adults learning a new job) we have communication lessions. We were talking about the ice berg model and had to analyze sentences like " coffeee is empty, I have no time, we talk later" etc. I sat there and said: But I don 't feel something, there is no hidden meaning etc. And the other "normal" people talked about the meaning etc. like they had a decode key or something like that.
Definitely sharing. This is an awesome channel😭😭❤️
Thank you, Crystal!
Amazing video! I'm 54 and have understood I'm Autistic for about a year and a half. I can't say that I really learned anything new from your video because I have been digging into every resource I can in that time. What I can say is that I felt things hit me at my core, not in an abstract intellectual way particularly around 16:00. I feel like I'm discovering myself now in so many ways m
Thank you! ☺️
This will be long but please read because I need help. I am a self diagnosed autistic adult, and that is the first time I have ever said or written those words. It's something I've known about myself for a few years now but didn't feel like I needed a label. But this isn't about me.
I am a father and my 8y/o daughter is without a doubt autistic. I figured that out around the same time I figured myself out. Actually I figured myself out in the course of figuring her out. She does well in school and apart from being a little "weird" she seems to fit in (or she _did,_ until recently). So I have not sought out a diagnosis for her, for the same reasons I did not seek one for myself. I thought (and still think) she is capable of "making it" in the world and doesn’t need a diagnosis, a label, or a "crutch" to quote my mother... and I don’t want to attach a stigmatized term to her that might do her more harm than good.
Recently she has started to get bullied and she has started to complain that the other kids don't like her. She had friends before, and now she doesn’t. It's like they got old enough to realize there was a turkey in the hen house and ostracized her. Now I am conflicted.
I started giving her tips on how to be "more normal" but I feel like I am selling out, and selling her out at the same time. Teaching her to be fake just like me. This is heartbreaking. I comfort myself saying it's inevitable; I had to learn it the hard way on my own and at least she has me to guide her. Tonight I told her (in a less blunt way) "you can be yourself and not have friends or be someone else." Great, now I'm crying.
Please tell me what I am supposed to do. I think it is time to get her diagnosed because this course of instruction in "how to be normal" can only go so far if she doesn't know why she isn't normal. But specifically about masking; is that something I should teach and encourage? I feel like "just be yourself" should be the only right answer, but I have a pile of traumatic real world experience that suggests that phrase is a worse-than-worthless platitude when addressed to anyone who is neurodivergent.
Get her a diagnosis before she feels it’s her fault she’s different. Pressures on girls/women and socializing are very high. Things may be even harder for her than for you, because gender expectations are unfortunately a thing. Maybe she can find a friend who is also neurodivergent. Also, find out as much as you can about Autism so you can both better understand how to best cope and support each other. Don’t sign her up for behavioral therapy unless she fully wants it herself. See if there are support or friend groups in your area, or at least find some online. And don’t go anywhere Autism Speaks because that is a self-serving trash organization that doesn’t actually care for or accept neurodivergent people.
I second pursuing an evaluation if it’s feasible in your situation. An accurate diagnosis is a tool not a crutch. It isn’t going to suddenly change her brain to be something new. It can, however, provide some legal protections and supports for her in school if you choose to disclose. Some schools are great at working to make accommodations while others won’t make any changes without the official piece of paper. It could also give you more certainty to advocate for her with schools, family, etc. Hope this helps!
@@KypCaprice thanks. Some progress has been made since I posted this. She is on the waiting list to be seen by a private doctor for this and also got the process started for her to be evaluated by the psychologist who works for the school district.
Such a completely relatable video. I'm also late diagnosed at the age of 45. An excellent channel! x
Really appreciating this content.
Thank you, Philip :) -Mike
@Autistic_AF No worries! I'm a freelance autistic advocate from Ireland and having videos like these are a valuable resource.
@@philsophkenny Ah nice to meet you! I’ve just been summonsed to do jury duty/service today. I was thinking; it’s probably better to have autistic jurors than neurotypical ones…. Hmm, topic for another video I think!
im working to unmask at home but i dont see it happening at work....however the work from home days we are lucky to get is sooo helpful for me as i can bounce my legs, fidget with my hands, and adjust my seating position (too frequently to be considered normal) since ppl on video have a narrower, limited view of me. there is so much talk these days of businesses bringing ppl back 5 days a week and this would just really be disheartening for me since i feel like i can be more myself when i work from home and that also means i perform better with work
I have a neighbor who will never even look at me. If we happen to walk down the hall or street at the same time they will actively turn their head to look the other way. I've not done anything to them and trust me I've wracked my brain trying to figure out what I could possibly have done, and the only thing I can think of is that he's taking my facial expression, which is often flat, as something offensive toward him. Honestly I can't be bothered caring anymore as he's far from the first person to just dislike me for no reason. It's just annoying as I'm being rejected for something I can't help
I’m sorry! Maybe they’re autistic though? I’d love to have neighbours like this, it’s a feature not a bug :)
I don't think they are, as I do see them having friends over a lot and sitting on their balcony smoking and making eye contact with them 🤷 I'd also love to just live in a place with just neurodivergent people. Makes communication so much more straightforward 😆@@Autistic_AF
You mentioned in another video that stimming sounds infantilizing like you're talking to young children and I actually think that's true about masking as well. It makes sense because most research about autism has been done on children so the vocabulary is made to be more suitable for that demographic, but to say you mask your true self or whatever just doesn't sit quite right with me either though I understand the logic behind it. I think the deeper question becomes what it even means to be authentic. As a trans person I see similar vocabulary i.e. passing, which is literally the same thing as masking except whereas masking with regards to neurodiversity is about trying to diminish your neurodiverse traits in order to come across as neurotypical, to pass as a trans person means to blend in as good as much as the gender you identify with to the point no one could suspect you're trans. This is also where the idea that trans people are lying about their gender in intimate relationships crops up, because they were just pretending to be something they're not. I think unfortunately minority groups will always be considered fake relative to the majority for trying to fit into the majority.
As for the word itself, I think a word like social adaptation would be much better and also imo isn't nearly as confusing since it isn't metaphorical. One thing I've seen researchers keep highlighting as a main difference between autistic and allistic people is that allistic people want to be a part of the group because the group and its needs is more important than your own personal needs and interests. Of course there's a spectrum here, but this was completely new to me because I thought all people were intrinsically motivated by their own desires first, the needs of the group second. In other words, allistic people enjoy and value conformity more than autistic people do, and may therefore never develop strong interests or identities outside of the group. Which in retrospect makes sense because it lines up very well with my own personal observations of people and why I could never understand how so many have the tendency to essentially just go with the flow.
Thank you for sharing - especially about the comparison with the trans experience. It’s very helpful for me to learn, not just by way of being an ally, but also to look from the outside as though looking on the autism community.
Autistic people don’t because even if we try, it still won’t work because of those first few seconds. So why try to fit in at all. It’s better just to be invisible.
Lovely to meet you sir ❤❤
And you :D
Well, that video was certainly packed with a lot of good insights on the topic. I have a philosophy of picking and choosing how much I want to mask. In work or academic situations, I will be masking a lot. When I am around my family and friends, not so much. I have found that when it comes to making friends, yes there are some people who aren't going to like you no matter what you do and to not stress about that. The are plenty of other people who are unbothered by my weirdness and more than willing to be friendly. In fact, I have noticed that many people like my eccentricity because it gives them permission to drop some of their own self-imposed masks a bit.
What, I'm not the only one who wiggles their toes secretly, and keeps a running behaviour checklist while in conversation? Thank you, my fellow neurodivergents, for sharing, and thus allowing me to discover who I am. I feel like the ugly duckling that just discovered that she's really a swan. I'll keep quaking when it's suitable though. I don't want to scare the ducks. Also, swan down is valuable. I don't want to get killed and become a pillow.
I have just been diagnosed. I've suspected for 4 years. I am currently on sick leave due to burnout and I am actually facing that I might need to quit my job due to how it influences my mental health. I feel I actually cannot mask. I even started to avoid eye contact which was rare for me. I feel I need to hide because being me in the world is still something I am scared off given how many negative reactions being me brought me in the past. I have a career I would like to follow. I'm a certified coach and really like the 1 on 1 work with people (it's the only space where my attention to patterns is welcomed and people can bemefit from it). But marketing is new to me so I am still in the process of letting people know how can I can help them and that I exist. This burnout came to early for how I initially wanted to do the career switch. And now I am mostly scared about my future. Planning anything has become a nightmare. Mental health professionals aren't exactly supportive making the formalities overly complicated for my current state of mind. And asking for help is difficult cause I feel I need help yet cannot really explain to people what kind of help it is. I feel like a little lost child when it comes to dealing with everything that dropped on my head in the recent time. And I am just afraid that if I go out among other humans my unmasked self will take over completely cause I lack the resources to keep it up like I did to this moment.
Thanks you Mike for sharing this. im also discovering the me that is not my hypercompetent mask. I have my ASD peer reviewed but not confirmed with a formal diagnosis. Combined with ADHD and Dyslexia, my life has been working really hard to be normal at a glance and to work harder and be better than my colleagues so I could get away with the quirks that I couldn't hide
Hello, Sam, thank you ☺️ for your lovely comment. I can relate! Working hard to appear ‘normal’ and then extra hard to put some distance between the capabilities of others and ourselves can be utterly relentlessly tiring.
@@Autistic_AF only now in my early mid 30's am I untangling this. Having suffered from burnout time and time again getting worse each time untill here I am working part time not in my home country. Just learning who I want to be
@@SamHerring404 Thank you for sharing your experience of burnout. That was what led me to try to learn, "Why is this happening/why am I like this?", at the time to see if I could make it stop. It lasted about four months. It's horrible - that feeling of tiredness and worn-out abilities. I felt like a shadow. I know how it feels. You've got this. - Mike
@@Autistic_AFhow do you mitigate the burnouts
With difficulty and some prior planning.
I had advance training in masking when I was sent (by an essentially secular family) to a very Evangelical Baptist skool. I started in third grade, where I had had enough experience to hopefully start blending in, but I also had to instantly learn everything about making sure I never said anything I truly felt/knew during anything religious being discussed.
This kind of skool, though, the religion extends to history and science. One of our field trips was out to a blasted-out mountain (for an interstate highway) to look at the various layers in the rock and the exhibits the state provided to explain a bit about the fossil record and how old this exposed rock is. Our purpose there was to learn how the world lies to us because the world is actually 6000 years old and evolution was complete bull.
It was an insane time, and I did everything I could to hide under the disciplinary radar while doing everything I could to resist - reread g my Prehistoric ZooBooks when I got home, reading nothing but Star Trek/Wars, Harry Potter, and Tolkien when always bored at skool, and spending a lot of time in thought trying to figure out if any of the day’s proverbial bull made any sense, which it almost never did.
Masking is a result of life experiences. It takes experience to even develop it effectively, but it can also destroy you if you lose too much of yourself when working with those masks…
When you said the bias goes away with text based communication, suddenly my love for discord makes a lot more sense, and probably why most my discord friend group is neurodiverse
Hi, Alison! 👋 I agree! Discord is fab for neurodivergent communities. Much better than traditional social media apps.
the one thing I dislike about it, though, is that tone is a nightmare to tell, especially when people don’t always use tone indicatoes
I think stimming is more accurately described as discharging neurological tension or involuntary movement aiding neural networks to light up that are linked differently to cognitive/neurological activity than allistic brains. “Stimming” is a moniker that implies an intentional action to “self stimulate” or “self soothe” when in my experience it is my system running a reset, cognitive activation sequence or steam escape valve involuntarily and I have to clamp down neurologically and focus a lot of energy to accomplish not stimming when I am overwhelmed (good or bad overwhelm doesn’t matter) which then creates deficits for me in other cognitive/neuro functions involved. For example: Experience of dyspraxia/hand coordination getting far worse under masking is part of this hypothesis for me that it is a way of my neuro system attending to itself not an infantile self comforting behavior. If I was allistic maybe that interpretation might be valid but I’m not so I am curious how others on the spectrum see it thru this lens.
The language applied to the experience or expression of autism impacts us all because it impacts the narrative and perspective. So… neuro reset movements? “NRM’s” as in - “normalizers” - hey I’m just “NRM-ing here. That’s what I’m going to call it from now on- would anyone care to join me? Let’s take the narrative back from the allistic allopaths who pathologize OUR norms.
As a totally blind person who grew up in an institution I am firmly of the belief, as I await assessment for an autism diagnosis, that we need to unmask. The more the 'normal' majority is exposed to differences, the greater the chance that our quirky traits will be absorbed into that 'normal' and be accepted. It's too easy for people to mythologise what they don't understand; and exposure to real individuals is the only way I know to counteract this. It's not easy for we individuals so exposed to deal with the ignorance and prejudice but many disabled people learn early that, for our own societal comfort if for no one elses's, part of our lives must be spent as educators - whether we want it or not. (Sighs deeply).
Yes! 💖
We're not broken! 🤸♀️
Its never never too late to come to that realization and acceptance! 💃
Yeeah, I'm trying to figure out just who I am, what stims help etc. I lived 40 years under the impression I was a broken person only to learn, "nope, I'm a perfectly fine autistic that is struggling not because she is lesser than, but because the world is NOT designed for her!" This video was especially relatable. I look back on my life and realize how much bullying I have taken over the years.
Super late to the party but so glad to have the 100's of seemingly unrelated characteristics and habits finally come together. Living with autism most of my life and not knowing this has battered my self image, particularly in American society, where strength and confidence (even aggression) are adored. It has left me feeling terribly inadequate. I have something bordering on agoraphobia at this point. Would love to have an autistic friend though.
The being discovered in the first few seconds is the worst part. Going through an interaction when the other person has a mental "I'm with stupid ➡️" shirt on, is demoralizing.
I relate!
I'm not diagnosed with autism (though I highly suspect it), however I do know that I mask- rather unsuccessfully usually I've found out from others. The only thing that seems to help with not being as socially isolated or singled out as "that's the one we don't talk to" sort of thing, is embracing alternative cultures and ways of dressing that I like. I think it may be because then neurotypical people think "oh, it's not that they are unfriendly that they are acting this way, it's just because they are into something a bit different that I'm into". Sort the "they're quirky" instead of "they're weird" thing.
Yes! I like to lean into the "she's crazy" label a little bit and use humour along with boldness (since I can't run and hide anyways might as well be the center of attention!) And all of a sudden it's goes from "she's crazy" to "she's *CHARISMATIC*!"
Being a major fan of pro wreslting has helped me with that btw.
Like I think how would I behave if I was Ric Flair right now?
I feel like I pick out other people who are on the spectrum anybody that I've ever considered a friend is on the spectrum only to have things like years later they have kids and end up getting their kids tested and that's how they find out and I'm like you didn't know?
i was diagnosed with autism around a year ago now i found out i was masking for my whole due to bullying it sucks that people bully us just bc they think we’re weird when our brains just function diffrent :(
Yep we are confusing and visible sometimes here
Welcome, Melanie! 👋
I struggle alot with social ques, like tones in voice etc etc, i repeat myself and people findbme werid, im currently trying to learn to unmask 💗
My both kids (adult (🤣) at 19 or even 23) are autistic, my doc believes that me too, but no formal diagnosis national insurance is poor this year).
I have masked my difference (no matter the name it has) for years and enough. Stress shortens my life. It costs too much and somebody's comfort is not worth it.
I got disability for both my kids so if they will be hired, they will be hired as who they are.
Sometimes stimming, not smiling to people, not having small talks.
The people who find it too wired to try to get to know them, will be filtered out first. The rest might be worth talking too. With time.
Of course we behave cultural mostly.
But why ppl care if my girl goes to Lidl in pajamas and jacket?
Our dogs do not care, you know?
Why we care about strangers so much. Few ppl around me is quite enough for me.
I found that when Covid hit, we went online and I found how intensely my participation went up when writing in chat. It's almost miraculous, but if I stim, or just leave a podcast chat, no one seems bothered. It's very freeing. After too many low scores on student evals, I decided to stop livestreaming, and only teach asynchronously. My numbers went up. All this time I thought it was my incompetence, but it was probably linked to typical students rejecting me in the first few encounters.
I am trying. But I cannot seem to unmask. Even identifying when, is remarkably difficult. And if I somehow catch a moment and halt the masking, it is followed by a release of adrenaline and fear.
When I do mask, I have an almost constant knot in my stomach and shallow breathing. So it seems to be a choice between deep anxiety and outright fear.
I am 50 and I have been at it for about half a year.
I find the most difficult aspect to be the sorrow of looking back at fifty years of life not knowing why? -All that misplaced self criticism and anguish over failure upon failure to meet expected standards.
I desperately want to reach back in time, to ten year old me and tell that boy it isn't his fault. (Dammit, now I made myself cry at a bloody keyboard)
Scripting is interesting. My wife find it really funny when I use the wrong script. I don't even notice then she points it out.
I no longer think my masking is actually improving how I'm perceived at all. My max level masking only makes me seem quiet awkward insecure, and to the more paranoid allistics sneaky and untrustworthy. I might pass on public transport, but not when actually talking to people (and ironically I'm masking much less while commuting, I'm just listening to podcasts and relaxing mostly).
I don't think masking ever helped even in job interviews, because with the possible exception of my previous employer*, I think every successful interview has been with at least one interviewer who is autistic or ADHD or both. Every interview with clearly neurotypicals has quickly deteriorated and never gone anywhere.
But ever since I started in the current company during the lockdowns, I've gradually started experimenting more with gender expression, I never got used to non stop physical presence after almost 2 years of near 100% virtual meetings; so I only go to the office about once a week on average. I have also gone from suspecting I might be autistic for about 20 years to now feel certain I am, an I'm going to a diagnosis in December; so I have gradually allowed myself to be more weird and dress more feminine and quirky, and not lie (mostly by saying nothing) about how I feel about things differently than neurotypicals. And if anything, everyone and allistics in particular seems more comfortable with my (still slightly) less masked self.
I think the mask mostly just makes me seem more sneaky and untrustworthy because I literally am lying about my feelings; but it doesn't actually make me appear "normal" anyway, I still think and talk eccentrically. But by dressing and behaving clearly eccentric too, my overall impression is more congruous and seems more honest.
So instead of untrustworthy I'm seen more like an eccentric creative or nutty professor or entertaining amateur comedian.
Of course I have the great advantage that I'm really good at my job so they will excuse a lot of weirdness because I'm so productive and I have a sense of humour and comedic skill so I can make jokes that even allistics get out of my divergence.
But in any case, I think it's much more useful to be seen as an honest weirdo, than a suspicious weirdo, because "normal" is not an option anyway.
And an added advantage of being more overtly neurodivergent is even though allistics might be slightly less inclined to include me, other neurodivergent people is more likely to notice me and include me. I've also noticed with several TH-camrs who came out as autistic, how much more comfortable they are to watch for me when I know that, and blatant unmasking (or failure to mask) has the same effect that I know for sure that they're ND.
Oh, here’s the video where you mentioned Sheldon Cooper and Rain Man! I look forward to hearing your take on perceived or accurate autistic representation in media.
I will! Thank you for being here :)
Im imagining a world full of autistic people for example in a store you enter you fellow autistic person he /she is working you dont bother to say hi all of those protocols just take the product leave money go You dont even have to smile pretentiously, say thanks . Nobody is staring nobody in the eye just chill and be your self and always truth Its sound really relieving
I actually get quite angry over the word "masking", and the suggestion by (usually) allistic tormentors that I should "show my true self". My true self is considerate of others, not wanting to make them uncomfortable, and mission-focused, not wanting to generate any distractions from the business at hand. So.. if they can "act professional", so can I.
And my true self is also cynical, and suspects that the tormentor is just upset that by "masking", I'm hiding some juicy nugget of "weirdness" that they are denied as further justification for their antisocial behavior.
I'm not "diagnosed", nor do I want to put myself through that process, having had health issues where, for example, a score of 13 was required for official recognition and my consistent score was 12.
I dont have an autism diagnosis. I am 30 and I can't find a doctor in my area that will even treat my ADHD let alone consider autism. Even though I used to lay in my room for days just drawing and singing and wondering if I was autistic more than ADHD and Depressed and they just didn't want to tell me because I'm a woman. I still hope some day they'll just treat my ADHD. Last Psychiatrist I went to told a judge I was drug seeking and probably using, said on paper my diagnosis was self assessed even though I told her I'd been diagnosed at 7 and went through various student aide orograns due to it because I couldn't focus on schoolwork. Always to busy with music, drawing and writing by that time.
It feels like I'm speaking old english to mondern english speaking people. It's the same language but something always gets lost in translation and then misinterpreted by allistic people. It's awful with doctors.
I think you should report the doctor to their regulatory authority. It is one thing to not be knowledgeable about autism as a professional but it is quite another to give factually incorrect information to a judge with all associated implications
@@camellia8625 I have tried. I keep getting led in a circle with administration. Whether it's for mental or physical health. Lol Sometimes I just auto-dissociate when they do that stuff because there is genuinely nothing you can do as a patient or anyone who needs care. Like... Nothing. And telling them that apparently means you're going to unalive yourself and need detained. Sometimes its like "I'm glad we agree that you're creating severe distress and hopelessness but how am I somehow responsible? 😅" I genuinely do not understand it. My therapist says you have to guide your drs to their own decisions but I don't have the luxury of having the reserves to be holding the hand of a financially, socially, and educationally better off people who absolutely believe they are better than me, to a conclusion several professionals got to before them. It feels both like manipulation and self degradation.