When I was younger I hated being different, and now.. meaning several years, I love it. Enjoy your differences. But I recently , watching these videos, I’m seeing I have things in common with others in aspire , which I like . I feel connected in a way. Always love your uniqueness
I always thought the goal was to be as likable as possible and hide the things others didn't like about myself.. I'm 30 and I realise now that I'm autistic.. I'm starting the process of getting a diagnosis tomorrow morning with a specialist..
I've found it helpful to point out specific characteristics others may find unusual in a way they would understand, as opposed to simply saying I'm autistic. For example, I say, "talking to me can be a bit like talking to Alexa," and they get it. I don't have to go into a big story or elaborate more than that. It's enough for them to grant me some leeway when I need them to rephrase something I don't understand.
True. After some unfortunate arguments, I learned that it can be prevented by telling those I'm closed to that "if I can't finish a sentence that's already lined up in my head, it feels like I have ants crawling around my brain." It's easy to understand, and people accept and sympathize with it surprisingly often.
First, I must say that I am really grateful I found this channel a few weeks ago, so thanks a lot Paul for your content. Actually, I have a question about masking, and I would be really interested to hear what people think of it. I’m in my thirties and discovered for the first time about autism a few months ago, and recognized myself basically in all autistic traits from strong social/professional difficulties to routines, sensitivity to sound/light/smells etc. It was a big discovery for me, because things started to make sense, and for the first time in my life, I felt that maybe I belonged somewhere. Of course, I will try to do my best to get officially diagnosed. The “masking” part though puzzles me a little bit. Because I feel that the main reason why I don’t manage to make friends is actually that I’m unable to mask, while “normal people” seem to do so naturally. Socially, I feel somehow like a sloth, while normal people would be super agile and fast monkeys, understanding, adapting and dealing with things without struggling. For example, my ex-gf was a really sociable clearly not autistic person, and observing her, I felt that her success to connect socially was probably due in part to her ability to adapt naturally to the person she was talking to, to always pretend being interested etc. In a way, she had many faces depending on the person she was talking to. As of me, I feel that my social handicap comes from the fact that I am unable to show anything but my own face. I feel like I am too raw and unable to adapt or make even small lies, while normal people seem to be much smoother in doing so. While totally relating to the social struggles of Paul and others and feeling like I share the same experience, does this sounds strange if I say that to me normal people are the ones who look like they wear masks - and are therefore hard to read and understand - while I am the one who doesn’t manage to as if I was always too naked?
In response to your last paragraph I feel the same way as I always notice when talking with other ‘normal’ people that they seem to act more interested then they actually are when it comes to certain discussions. Despite not following the social norms of society I at least now feel happy with the way I interact with my family or friends since I used to struggle to express my worries as a child and I still do to some extent as an adult. I mainly use the masking effect when talking with strangers or people I don’t really like as it helps me feel better in those scenarios and it’s almost like a defence mechanism that I can’t help but do now, however I always try to be polite to people whenever I can as my parents raised me to always be kind to others and whenever I can help people out it makes me feel a lot happier with myself. I know that by simply being myself I do feel much more happy in my life and I hope that everyone has the chance to try and find the best version of themselves and to never give up when things seem to be going not so great.
@@Awe5omegamer64 Thanks a lot for your answer! I totally agree with you. It’s of course essential to always be polite and respectful of other people, but to find happiness it's important to manage to be ourselves. I guess that I really started to find some kind of peace when I became able to say to myself "it's ok even if you don't fit in".
@@pico6596 I do feel similar/get what you mean and feel like it fits into masking: Essentially others do it (certain things in conversation and interaction) naturally without altering themselves/their core, whereas we have to hide (or mask) certain or all of our autistic traits to be "socially acceptable" - so, for example, in certain situations I hold eye contact strongly to get a better result, but it absolutely drains me (immensely depending on length and intensity of the interaction), while for others it's a small thing that happens subconsciously, is completely natural, costs no energy, and does not "go against their brain's wiring". Ugh, this is kinda difficult to explain, I hope I got my main points across. :)
Not every autistic person masks. It tends to be a little more common in women and girls, but that is a very general statement. You're right that non-autistic people are a lot more socially adaptive and fluid. For them it is natural and instinctive, so much of it happens intuitively without thought. Sometimes autistic people can learn to act that way but it takes huge effort and that is a form of masking. There are other forms of masking too - learning scripts, mimicking other people or characters from TV shows, being incredibly self-conscious and self-monitoring, forcing uncomfortable eye contact. Masking often generates shame and anxiety or is done as a result of those feelings and fear of rejection. It definitely comes with a cost. Non-autistic people aren't necessarily masking, but they can be very inauthentic and even dishonest compared to an autistic person who tends to be more blunt, factual, open and honest. It is very fair to question who it really is that has the communication "disorder". In fact neither group of people do, it's just different communication styles. Autistic people are very effective communicators with each other! Congratulations on your Autistic Awakening.😄 It is definitely an intense time for those of us late-identified with a lot of reframing of identity and memories. Professional diagnosis is not absolutely necessary - there are pros and cons and it's a choice.
As someone about to turn 47 who is most definitely on the spectrum but not diagnosed, I would say you are completely correct. I think that nurotypical people mask nearly constantly without even thinking about it. Whereas people on the autistic spectrum have to work much harder to be able to mask if we are even able to at all. I have learned to mask fairly well. (That's more common for autistic females than for autistic males.) But I've worked really hard to learn how to. It has not come easily. And it seems like it would be really nice not to have to. I wonder if NT people find it easier to see through masks. Or maybe they are happy to just interact with other people's masks and don't care much who they really are. I feel like I'm constantly trying to see who someone is behind the mask. I can see where life would be very hard for you with the inability to mask at all. With no protection at all. I am glad that I am mostly able to mask when needed. At the same time, it would be nice if we were in a world where there was no need to mask at all. I don't know if this helps at all. But if nothing else, maybe know that some people do understand.
It’s interesting that you say you feel comfortable in a group of women as the only man. I can totally see your point of view. As a female, being in a group of females makes me feel like I need to mask even more. In a group of men, I’m usually more natural and don’t mind standing out since I’m already different, like you said.
I'm glad my life has been pretty rural. I can be "the farm-girl" in a familiar group of women situation. It explains my clothes/hair/lifestyle, and why I also hang out with men. Chit chat is where my terror ramps up! I have so little in common with most women that I am in a constant panic trying to think of conversation gambits.
I just want to thank you for your videos. I have a teenage son with aspberger. You help me so much with understanding and with how to talk with him. He's a great young man. 16 worked 2 jobs this summer and just bought his first vehicle. Again thank you.
I really, really like this video. And I've done both as well. When I moved from the northern US to the southern US it was as if I had moved to a different country. I looked, sounded, and acted different from everyone else. Suddenly my differences were associated with my not being from there. Not with my just being odd. I also colored my hair Celtic red. Because I liked it that way. But it looked so natural on me that I looked even more Celtic than I already am. And it made it even more obvious that I wasn't from there. Suddenly the question was, "Where are you from?" instead of the unspoken, "Why are you odd?" It was really nice. I also do choose to reveal certain parts of myself based on what would be best accepted in a situation. And I allow the rest to be unknown. Not hidden. Just not necessarily revealed. I don't pretend to be something I'm not. But I don't need to broadcast all of who I am to everyone. I can pick and choose what to show to whom and when. That allows me to show an authentic version of myself without just flopping my whole personality down on the table for review. It was encouraging to see that you do pretty much the same. Thank you. 👍
I can totally relate to your Malaysia story. I noticed that while living abroad if there was a miscommunication it could be chalked up to me speaking a 2nd language. Any awkwardness could be perceived as me being from a different culture. People are much harder on me in my own country when I miscommunicate because I don't have an obvious excuse.
Same. Only I moved to a vastly different part of the same country. Northern US to Southern US. I am clearly from a different world here. So some people cut me some slack. In the bigger cities anyway. In the smaller towns different in any way is often considered bad.
That is one of the best descriptions of being honest and private at the same time! Self control and integrity! My problem (up until now) has been understanding who I really am! We shouldn’t need to hide, but we don’t need ‘put it all out there’. Thank you!
This has really helped me in sorting out why it hasn't worked out for me to be able to stay in the senior women's church group class 😓 I have been trying so hard, repeatedly, to go and "fit in"/participate, but it has failed to the point where I don't want to go back anymore. I did try repeatedly to talk to the teacher and even told her I am Neuro-divergent (I still don't feel safe telling anyone I have ASD), and she even told me several times that I didnt do/say anything bad/wrong/inappropriate BUT there were 3 women that I felt hated/couldn't tolerate/like me, and after they were rude, nasty, bullying to me, I can't put myself through it anymore, even though the teacher and rest of the women don't have a problem with me. I have NOT been able to figure out how to cope with the "mean people" that keep me from going to groups. Im still trying to figure it out...
I think self love and self acceptance is the way, as always. Being treated unfairly and not even thinking about internalizing their behaviors as self doubt. Sending you love❤️
🤯You videos are like cheat codes! All of these things happen to me and only 1 of them I had figured out. I love Asia and I realized part of it was because no one expects me to get things right it's so much easier to learn and they are normally willing to help. The comfort around women thing especially,totally the same but never made the connection (also old granda farmer types🤷🏻). Thank you as always, you help remind me I'm not alone out here.
Hi Paul, I am so fond of your wise views on these topics! And I see those views as more a matter of humanitarian views, than just regarding people on the spectrum. It may count for all people who stand out. You don't want to let go of your autentic self, neither do you want to be provocative for no good cause. I am not autistic, just a bit of a nerd in my family and in other surroundings. My older siblings used to laugh a bit when I said something with a sarcastic tone. Later on, when I got more mature, I stared to talk about my 'inner values' - and to my surprise the whole conversation became much more difficult. I had dropped my sarcastic mask.. Some topics we do not tuch so much. Nowadays I am very content when we talk about gardening and the like, as I realized that I may have startled their inner sense of security, not only the sense of group values. Which of course was not expected from the little sister in a gang of 5 sibling. Group values often become some kind of inner security system. :D
I always appreciate your nuanced discussion of masking. There seems to be a common idea that circulates in the autistic community that masks should just be simply dropped entirely. I am not sure that is a good, healthy goal, or even possible. If it's a subconcious survival instinct it can't just be switched off, and the environment must be safe to even think about doing it or there is risk of more rejection-based trauma. I like this idea of presenting parts of your authentic self. It is certainly true that having an inauthentic, masked self accepted feels like rejection, I've experienced that and it is incredibly, deeply painful. I also find masking by choice as an empowered, deliberate, considerate act to make others feel comfortable is sustainable and feels affirming when it's just short interactions - eg someone in a shop.
Agree!, masking is necessary for me to feel comfortable in social situations. It can be draining but I leave when I start to feel that way and go home and relax and recooperate.
For me, Paul is an explorer and adventurer showing others how to increase their Awareness of their masked state, versus their "true" state. Awareness of their True state (autistic) has immense value.
A word of caution...I was explaining a lot of this, and the thought processes that go behind masking, to my wife a few weeks ago and she was absolutely horrified at the effort and constant concentration that's required in any social or professional situation. While we may see it as a practical thing, just a part of life that we have to deal with, NTs (particularly those who are sufficiently invested in our lives) often won't see it that way at all; not only is there the "So...you're just pretending when you're with me?" hurdle to get over, but once they try to empathise and put themselves in that situation, it apparently starts to look like every day is a waking nightmare even with them. Basically...it's worth being aware that you may need to be gentle before you go into such a conversation, rather than just bluntly dumping the details on them.
.....No, your wife WAS NOT WAS NOT WAS NOT WAS NOT horrified at anything "required". She was horrified at how YOU PERSONALLY DECIDE to do those things,.and how you MADE A FALSE CLAIM that this is somehow "required". Your wife could have, theoretically, talked to any other autistic non-disabled adult instead, and would have then been NOT horrified AT ALL because they would have said zero words about any "masking" and have probably never even heard of it since obviously most autistic don't read all this weird language on the Internet like this. And then that other autistic adult who is a very similar job and level as you, your wife would say absolutely nothing because the grand total of that adults description of what they do at work would be something like, "Umm, I go to work? I file the paper? I'm annoyed if someone yells at me when I'm too late?". Your wife might have been horrified by a description of how some asshole boss yells for a stupid reason or some other employees are incompetent and you have to go and fix what they did and it's therefore stressful and if applicable can be astounded about that. Bit definitely not about any so-called "masking" being so-called "required", because there is literally no situation in existence when it is "required" besides a dangerous psychiatrist evaluation!
I don't think I can point out a public version of my "authentic self". I'm not sure if it actually exists. I can change from (for example) an academic precise type to a simple country person with ease. I will often change dialect (or language) depending on where I'm trying to fit in (or not). The term "authentic self" really just puzzles me.
That’s so true!!! I was a German in Malaysia for many years. And I also found it easier. I also feel more comfortable in the company of men rather than fellow women. All this helped me a lot, on the regular day-to-day level. But I was also doomed to feel alone and solitary most of the time. It was fine, though. It is easier to stand out. When I’m masking I feel weak and can’t give my best - because I am simply not my authentic and best self 😊 Glad you’ve pointed this out. Awesome!!!
Just been watching to learn recently, and I'm struck at how I often really genuinely love the social weirdos. Extreme haircuts, loud music, tattoos, piercings, fantasy or sci-fi buff, too much knowledge in one area... I'm always intrigued, even if they come off as a little pompous. I think passion is beautiful, even if the person is completely unaware.
I found your channel (and a few others) not too long ago, and it's really helped me understand my own life e experiences a lot better. Thanks for all the educational videos you put out! I'm going to try to find a local autism group this weekend since I've heard your story and thoughts
I've had all my sessions (6 in total, 2-3 hrs each) of Q&A concerning ADD and autism. Results and diagnosis should be in within a week or 5 and in the meantime some of my relatives are being interviewed. I turned 50 in June.
Same here, except I'm turning 50 next year. Went to the doctor for depression/burnout, he referred me to a psychiatrist, we dug into my past for PTSD and found autism. It's been 6 months of "oh so *that* is why I my teachers said I had to pay more attention, *that* is why I was bullied, *that*'s why I pretty much allways got sick just before a party, why I like to be alone, etc etc. If I had known this 40 years ago....
I turn 47 this month. I'm still not diagnosed. I tried when I was seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist in my mid 20s. But at that time girls were thought to not have autism. And I mask well. So, my suggestion was brushed off by both doctors. I am positive that I am, though. Life would probably have been much different had I been diagnosed back then. I'd have been on disability, for one thing. Which would have saved me a lot of heartache. But so it goes. I'm glad that you guys are finally being diagnosed now.
Some of these topics are so sensitive that it becomes difficult to explain my thoughts. Masking is one of those subjects that I rarely find myself in congruence with the larger autistic community on but this video is solid and realistic. I may experience differences of opinions on this topic because I'm so late diagnosed and so much other baggage/disorders have piled on over a lifetime. I have complex trauma woven into my autism and have from early childhood. I learned to mask without knowing I was masking because I needed to blend in. I didn't want to be noticed, I wanted to be invisible. It seems to me that neurotypicals mask as well but they learn to integrate with their masks early on in a more seamless fashion. Neurotypicals are, for the most part, one with their masks which is what I'd call 'personality'. Personally, I can't really help but be authentic but my authentic self is often something not appropriate to display. My 'authentic mask' is honestly more of a filter than a mask. I have to be conscious in a given situation what features of my authentic self are appropriate. If I'm feeling anxious, distressed, depressed or of low value, I'm not wanting to display that. There is hardly a situation in which I want to be authentic in that regard. I feel there is no other option but to mask/filter that. Many people with autism also struggle with trauma and people not struggling with trauma may not understand. I read often in these forums that we autistics must throw away the mask. Not a chance. My mask is the tool in which I can interface with others. It can be burdensome but without it I have no way to ease and regulate my social/interpersonal interactions.
That comment feels like you stole my thoughts of out my head and translated them into words. When I say translated into words, I do not mean text, I mean actual words in full. I struggle hard with doing that and will often talk way too much trying to translate what my mind is thinking to words (only one reason for my excess talking, when I do talk that is). If I am just writing and time is not a constraint in the moment, then what looks like I wrote in 1 minute or 2 minutes may have had 30 minutes to an hour of time spent on it. That makes seeing typos I made after I send it off (as a post, a reply in something, etc.) very difficult for me to be okay with even though if another person made the same typos, I wouldn't think anything of it. Anyway, I'm going off into the weeds again as I always tend to do (another issue I have). It was surprising to see that comment you put here (well done too) and also felt nice to see it. All that you wrote would be something I would like to hear more talk about.
@@mythias I gave a round of applause to this comment. As I didn’t know what else to say as I couldn’t find the words. And it is like you translated the answer for me, well not the answer but my reply/thoughts! I too experienced significant trauma age 3 to 21. And I’m just going through my diagnosis of Asperger’s now aged 39. When explaining things I don’t just go around the block I go around the whole of the city completely unintentionally as I can’t make a point of what I’m trying to say or explain. This also means that when typing a reply to a post such as this as I can’t put it in a nutshell and it usually ends up looking more like an essay. So I want to thank you for your reply as it’s really helped me as I feel exactly the same as the comment itself and your reply. At present I am suffering significantly with PTSD which is another factor to add into the mix which blurs lines and the other answers or explanations. I too have masks on the whole life and not been aware of it so it is inbuilt and it helps me immensely. I would not manage any social situation without this. That does not mean I am being fake or false, it just means but I have found a way to get through and get through I must. I am also disabled with 20 different diseases and conditions with a son with autism also. I got my son diagnosed with autism age 8 and he also has other diagnoses. I have fought for him from day one including getting him onto specialist educational provision. I did all that to do the best by him, whilst still not knowing I was autistic myself. I won every battle that I fought because I knew that these were ‘needs and not wants’- and it now makes sense why I understood it all so well. I am proud to say I got him through education to his dream job and now it’s time to sort me. Thanks again for writing in words what was in my head to both of you🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
@@itsjomckinlay8160 and T. Eli Ahrens, Thank you for your replies. Some of these thoughts are very difficult to put down in words, I believe because language and writing needs to be put forth in a linear form while our thoughts are anything but linear. Personally, I often grasp to express the much bigger picture inside my head and it's hard to translate that one word at a time. Metaphorically, it's like trying to express the full contents of a tube of toothpaste by squeezing it out, line by line. It can be done but it's frustrating and I get impatient hoping I don't miss anything. Jonathan, I think it's great you are aware enough to advocate for your son. In some ways, the autism isn't the biggest challenge I face. Autism has it's challenges for sure but I'm learning to accept it as part of who I am. It's the trauma and intense, poorly regulated emotions that has brought me the greatest misery in my life. I have recently been delving into the CPTSD that has been nearly as constant a part of my life as the autism. Among many other experiences I had in early childhood, my mother also likely had Asperger's and was broken and devastated by her failing marriage. She was not available to aid me with my emotional needs and difficult life experiences at the most critical times. She meant to but she just couldn't. That has left me with strong avoidant and fearful attachment difficulties that is making the formation of any close personal relationships nearly impossible. Without friends, without trust, healing seems nearly impossible. I don't have the tools to do it. At 59 years of age, I fear I wont learn them in time. Again, your son is fortunate to have you for his advocate. You are gifted with each other. Your son may not have to fight his way through as much trauma with you being there for him. In terms of masking, I wonder sometimes if what I think of as masking is the same as what others think of as masking? Around 20 years ago I had pretty much a complete breakdown, became effectively homeless and isolated myself onto a piece of land in the woods(that I fortunately owned). I hid out for more than a decade. There was no mask for me, there was no one to mask for. I still had some interactions with people( I have an adult daughter), but I allowed few to come and see me. In that time I stripped away all that might be interpreted as inauthentic and slowly put some semblance of life back together. Rather than a mask, I face the world now with the best authentic expression of myself I can. It's a tool, not a mask. I am learning to be more aware of myself and what is most appropriate to express to others. Sometimes my authentic self forgets that what I want to talk about isn't interesting to others. Sometimes my opinions are better left unsaid. Sometimes I can come across as course and insensitive because I don't read or understand people and situations correctly. Sometimes I'm so caught up in my own thoughts and emotions that I fail to pick up on what others are trying to express to me. Sometimes my moods are not something I should be sharing with others and I need to filter these things out. I make no apologies for trying to be conscious of how I come across to others and filtering to me is not masking. Neither is it inauthentic. The thing I appreciate about Paul and this channel is that Paul seems to get it. He's not some disconnected clinician, he's working on things from the inside and he's able to get these things across to those of us trying to make sense of it all. Thank you, Paul.
Something that i found very useful and makes my social life considerably easier, is not to "mask" literally, but rather "only show what is necessary"; I'm not showing myself completely, but i'm not hiding either; I'm only showing what is being asked of me: i give people what they want or need, but i also make my limits and differences clear IF NEEDED. Its all a matter of balance. That way people notice that i'm different, but don't get "annoyed" with my differences, because i am just being honest and straightfoward without too much exposure.
I used to mask essentially all of the time, it led me to being emotionally and sexually abused because the default instinct became "conform to their expectations". Eventually I had a psychotic breakdown, recovered and was diagnosed 3 years later at 26. Something I learned to do was hide in plain sight. Most of the time I wear tie-dyed and rainbow clothing. I am left alone because I stand out too much, and additionally there is zero expectation that I will interact according to normal social expectations (statistical normal) simply by the virtue of the external presentation. I have found that social expectations are the predominate cause of a lot of my and my friends mental health issues. So, game the system. If part of autism is a sort of obsessive focus, then if we can aim that at social interaction then we may find them easier to deal with. Of course there are limits to this due to the vast number of contradictions within the standard set of social expectations, but it can help a bit. The one I find the most difficult is the "we want you to talk about your feelings and problems, but if those problems and feelings don't conform to our expectations then we expect you to lie." Especially when I say that contradictions like this ARE the problem. Want me to tell the truth and lie at the same time? Yeah, no. Being alone is better than dealing with that constant anxiety and stress load.
That's a genius method you explained in the beginning - love it! About the last part: that's why I look for friends who don't expect me to lie about anything (try telling it up front) and then talk about feelings... But that's much easier said than done. :/
@@anthonywarwick I'd argue that's a good thing (as long as it's not shrunk to a point your mental health is affected negatively). :) May your friendships keep going strong!!
Either I mask a lot to the point I feel fake and relationships thereby also feel fake, yet things at least go easier around others, or I cut all connections so I can be myself fully. Wish I could be myself and have long-term rewarding connections. And I've been working hard on social interaction since I was a teen, I'm 33 now. I have cycles of being super social, have co-workers, girlfriends, family connections, friends, groups, and then cycles of literally no one. Reasons for these shifts: I can't keep up contact / I feel like the relationships start impacting me negative in some way where I can't accept the compromise / we have a conflict and both sides see it so differently (ND Vs NT), / I grow to feel the relationship is not for me anymore as I progress and they are stuck / I get burned out socially / I come back to if I can't be myself why do this, even for the social benefits, which are sparse to begin with unless you are the type to really reap them (Think social expert NT type) AND minimal in any case if it is not on authenthic terms (being myself). How great was that night out with a group of friends if I wasn't really in it as myself, just playing a role? That's why I'm the type who chooses even long-term loneliness even when I could go do some social activity just like that. I have to be in the right space with myself, and the actual space has to be right to, like the people and the environment. That takes a lot because of my history and issues. As for why I go back to trying the social thing again and again, well I always want to grow and progress and obviously ideally I want some version of a social life for myself, to some degree.
I am 20 years old and i have had the idea that i was autistic a few times in my life because i always felt so alienated in school and in my family growing up, but my family (and unfortunately even myself) brushed it off as me just being really “gifted” and funny, because nobody expects a pretty girl who is in AP and Honors classes and participated in business club could be autistic. I have hyper fixated on self-development, emotional intelligence, social behavior, body language skills, and become amazing at masking. Over the last 2 years i have ghosted numerous people and literally disappeared from friendships because i was burning myself out and i couldn’t understand why. A few months ago my sister started expressing her frustration with herself because my nephew (her son) had been exploding in tantrums and emotions and she didn’t know why and we started exploring autism research. Although I thought my sister was trying to make good use of my incredible ability to research any topic I’m interested in and become an expert on it within a few months to help my nephew, when i started telling her i oddly relate to a lot of the symptoms she told me she has thought i was an aspie since i was around 12 years old. I had never simultaneously felt so much validation, fear, and relief at the same time. I was diagnosed with adhd about 6 months ago but something about it still felt off, like it wasn’t really adhd and it was something more. I am terrified to talk to my psychiatrist about this and I feel like because I’ve masked so well in front of her too she wouldn’t take me seriously. I live alone now and i love it because it’s the first time in my life I’ve been able to actually listen to myself and act the way i want. It turns out if you’re autistic you can only fake it for so long. Scrolling through the comments while watching these videos has taught me so much already about how to really feel comfortable with who i am and not get frustrated and burnt out. I feel like a combination of masking and unmasking will really help me sustain relationships in the future
Yes the whole area of (blending in : standing out) is complex. I think that I have settled for authentic polite me with the loud exuberant me but of cause I am almost always precariously close to slipping into hyper-vigilant mode because somehow much of the world seems to see these two 'me's' as in conflict. After writing this I'm now thinking and wondering; is being loud and exuberant rude..?.. I don't know, that's the problem I think it can be..... It's not an easy life :)
I am really grateful for your videos. Well considered, and considerate, delivered in a nice temperament. Really helping me settle into this (still feels) new discovered aspect of myself.
I'm watching your videos because for the last two days I have had trouble at work due to being autistic. I had a meltdown and had to leave a store meeting. Then the next day I got written up. So I am now trying to learn how to balance work and my personal life. And also how to be myself, yet how to have boundaries and not overshare. It is confusing thus far.
It is very thoughtful, what you said. Total masking takes a lot of energy and works short term. Bringing out aspects of yourself that are 'passable' (under particular circumstances) seems to work better.
Thank you for your video. I wear a badge promoting either an autistic charity or an organisation that works with autistic people. I feel that enough people have a friend or relation on the spectrum to make a badge work as a mark of community. I agree with you that there is a need to be authentic whilst also having a clear set of aims. I used to 'float into situations', which was often the worst thing for me to do. Then other times I would repeat a good day rather like a rigid formula of success but find it all turned into anxiety. Between these two extremes is where I would most like to be. I also wanted to mention that high levels of noise can rapidly reduce my ability to fit in.
Great video. I love your point about restructuring the way you think about why you stand out. It can be other practical things, like you said. Having an alternative explanation (e.g. clothes that stand out, being the only man/woman/enby) kind of feels like masking with a twist.
Passing in this way is essentially still masking, except the mask is an elevated version of yourself. Outside of a small number of specific situations where I felt physically unsafe, I never mask using a false or imagined persona. My mask is me, but with a consciously regulated affect, and more consciously constrained body language. This is still a mask, it is still a cognitive drain, and it's still nearly impossible to maintain when I'm burnt out. But, when I am burnt out and the mask starts to fall off, I don't seem like a completely different person. At worst, people misinterpret my exhaustion for anger. For me this is a *better* way of masking, but it's still somewhat fraught.
I agree, this is how I mask. When I am tired and the mask falls and people get the blank zombie stare they ask me "Are you ok?" I just tell them that I am tired and stressed, which is true if not terribly detailed. This seems to satisfy most people. Some people are going to think I'm a bit weird, which is expected, and I am ok with that.
I mask all the time. It is very hard work as I come across as normal. It is nice to be accepted in one way. But then ppl don't understand me. It is a catch 22 situation. I get ppl take advantage of me though sometimes and I feel angry at myself for ppl taking advantage of me trying to fit in. But I don't want to keep educating ppl and explaining about myself to everyone.
Thanks for this video. Will definitely check out the other ones as well. I think masking has become my main way of behaving in the last decade or so. Probably because a psychiatrist had said to me I definitely didn't have autism. But now I know I do, but it is very hard to see now what is me and what is the masking. Am going to work on that with a therapist, hope it helps.
I spent the first 20 years after graduate school being an artist. Being different, standing out, being WEIRD were all advantages. Anything you can do to get your work noticed is a good thing. I got to do things my way, on my own schedule, and I could be as moody and mysterious as I wanted to be. For the last 15 years, I’ve worked as a musician in an opera company. While it’s still "The Arts," it’s a completely different working environment. Conformity is needed and expected. Everyone must work together, all on the same schedule, all with a cooperative attitude, with no one standing out, in order to get an opera rehearsed and then performed in front of thousands of people. There, I don’t want to be noticed. I want to keep my head down and do my job without anyone paying attention to me. If someone notices me, it’s almost always because I did something wrong. All of this was done before my diagnosis with ASD. Due to this little global pandemic we’ve had going on, I haven’t worked for a very long time. It’s going to be very interesting to see how things go when I finally do get to perform again, now that I’ve been working at trying to remove all my masks. I’m debating whether or not to announce my diagnosis to my coworkers. It’ll explain why I don’t socialize with any of them, why I don’t go out drinking with everyone after each performance, that kind of thing. I think they think I’m just unfriendly and and antisocial, when the reality is that I don’t enjoy any of that and I’m unable to do that stuff very well. Or, I can just keep on keeping my head down and doing my job...
Good coaching material... i would like more on this, that is, on intentionally involving true aspects of ourselves without moving into another level of masking. I am partly understanding, but not clear on how this might look and feel as opposed to acting. I am thinking this is great advise, simply needing more help!
For those of us in our fifties who were children before any of this was even recognised in the main stream, masking was the only realistic choice...going to a parochial school like I did, any sort of standing out at all resulted in beatings and ridicule Backfiring was how you learned by precedent.
Now I knew your former styling I like you even more ;) I loved Dream Theatre at a time but am more into hardcore Punk and Grunge now. But I am not totally strict. Yeah, I always was one of the freaks. In school, university, Jobs. That’s my identity so I do not have to act normal. My friends were also always quite diverse. I simply say: I hate being touched, I can not control my voice sometimes, I do not understand social lies, so do not be angry if I am brutally honest. Most people understood or at least accepted. In public I stand out but not enough for being spotted. In social groups it is ok for me to be a freak. I am just now at 30 trying to get a diagnosis, so being autistic was never something I could explain differently than with different little quirks. But I learned early that I have to be my true self with just a little acting. Being „normal“ NEVER worked. I use facial expressions and certain social skills like verbal language to express myself and it is quite normal to me - if I do not have to be social all day. I think I am happy with my level of masking and the balance between standing out and fitting in.
I live in South Korea and anytime I'm out with a Korean servers/shop owners completely ignore my existence even if I'm the one in need of something. I've been here a long time so my language skills are advanced but honestly I love not having to interact with strangers haha I've meet a lot of NT people who hate being trated that way after studying so much
For me it wasn't just being autistic and not knowing that made me stick out, I'm also half Chinese, have a hyphenated surname and hypermobility. So right out the gate I felt different and was treated that way. I'm now 42, I've never disclosed my autism in a job interview since I didn't realise that was a part of my identity until last year. When I did come out my boss said that he sussed that out in the interview. So yes now its the first job when I've been open about it and for the most part that's fine. So I guess its hard to know when and how much I mask because I'm not sure I ever tried to fit in in the first place. I just stuck to being my weird and awesome self from day one. If I go to a job in the future I'd probably focus on skills and capabilities first and decide on coming down from the attic as Autistic later on once I know the company will understand and be supportive.
*brainblown* :O I never considered that was why I prefer to hangout with boys, men or masculine presenting people because then I can standout or be different around them without feeling like a total weirdo. Awesome insight thank you Paul 👍 :)
For me, it's the company of girls that gets me away from the negative energy which I don't want to call masculine but it's kind of like that. girls tend to be more gentler. that's why I enjoyed spending four years at university with a class full of girls. from about 30 students I was one of the two or three boys.
@@murtazaarif6507 I just realized that for me it's both. Girls are gentler, more open, so it's easier. On the other hand, I find them even harder to "read" than NT men, as then also gender dynamics come into play, females behave differently which is not clear to me as a man.
@@Dezzyyx It seems there are many unique individual factors involved that reflect the deep structures of our deeper states of mind as aspies but one thing we have in common is that we stand out from the mainstream neurotypicals.
This was really good and thought provoking. The bit about how to stand out in a positive way made me realize why I have always liked traveling in Europe and why I was so happy to be able live in Tokyo and Moscow. And the part about how you prefer to hang out with women made me realize this is way various gay guys are always hanging around straight women.
I used to purposely hide my Aspergers when I live in Australia. I moved to Budapest Hungary in 2020 for business reasons due to the lockdowns in Australia crippling my entrepreneurship. In Budapest I don’t even bother hiding my Asperger’s. People here see my Asperger’s as something normal in an Aussie.
I think possibly the parts which you feel comfortable with. Or try to keep noticing which parts you are not comfortable with, (you can rule these out) and see what is left and what you would like to keep.
I find the concept of true self and conditioned outer self of masking interesting. rejection is the story of my life. so I shut the world out after becoming a victim of bullying. bullies do not even allow others to accept our true self when we try to express it. I think those are the underlying currents that cyberbullies operate on. I prefer the company of girls maybe because I look masculine and men expect me to act tough but when I don't they use me to show off by intimidating me. I enjoyed four years of my life studying in a class full of girls because they tend to be gentle creatures.
...."Men" do not do that ever because HAVING A PENIS DOES NOT REQUIRE ANY PARTICULAR BEHAVIOR OR OPINION OF ANY KIND FUCKING PERIOD. Let alone does it require bullying and being aggressive without cause!!! "Men" have done this to you literally never. SPECIFIC men have done this do you, and that's not even normies, that's jocks! Plenty of normies are decent human beings in this particular regard! Let alone geeks or scientists or "extreme novel enthusiasts" or hippies or even vegans even though vegans can also be normies too! TALK TO MEN WHO ARE NOT BOTH NORMIES AS WELL AS IMMATURE JOCKS AND/OR BIKERS AND/OR ETC AND THEN MEN WILL NO LONGER BULLY YOU FOR THIS REASON. SO GODDAMN SIMPLE!!!!
Hello Paul. I struggle with the whole idea of the term 'authentic self'. I am trying to start a channel that includes autism (I was diagnosed over 40 years ago) but I am more than 'an autist'. (Aren't we all, though?) I also carry the diagnosis of ADD (stimulants slow my mind down/help me focus). And OCD. I feel all autists I've met have pieces of each of these diagnoses. (Plus are sensory defensive AND are socially awkward to some degree) But I also train dogs, work in many mediums of art, am musically inclined. I am very health and wellness focused, including exercise and nutrition. (Hence the potential channel name) But where to start? (At the beginning) Introductions are always the most difficult for me; the blank page my most formidable nemesis. I tend to over-think over-thinking. So many thoughts, so little time. Maybe we'll 'meet' one day, if I can get on track; a track. I find your videos very informative and a little amusing. You are quite talented. Do you have a discord? I'm looking for an active discord for autists.
Interesting that you say it's easier for you to be around women. Many female aspies including me find it easier to spend time with men. There are also many of us who move to another country so we are automatically different. Interesting. Also your thoughts on masking at job interviews is why I have left so many jobs with a bang, I mask well and then it all falls apart a few months down the line. But then if you don't mask, you don't get the job in the first place. Catch22
"Never take a knife to a gun fight" I never take my authentic self into general social situations. Because? No one else in that social situation needs to bother with the idea, as in general they have the privilege to think themselves the norm and to never have to consider how they will present themselves. As a result they don't often have the ability or empathy to readily accomodate who I actually am. However when i am going into a peer situation (in one of my intersectional locations) I am ready to be authentic because here I generally find a range of genuine experiences and expressions that mean to reveal myself will have a degree of safety. Yes, a degree of safety. Lateral agression is a thing - the demand that one is the 'right' version of something is a common form of gaslighting in vulnerable communites I have learnt to avoid.
I see a lot of Autistic people getting frustrated and asking why we should have to mask to make them less uncomfortable, but we have to accept that their need for social masking from others is just as valid as our need not to mask. Should we be hurt by our own masking, or should we be allowed to hurt other people so we can be ourselves?
The terrible truth is, when we mask, we may be taken for normal and demanded to be it, and "punished" for not getting it and not being able or even willing to doing it like they say. I want my legal rights back and my home. My health and life-time too, as well as honour and social place.
@@Medietos But if you don't mask, they will still demand it because masking is a requirement for human beings to function socially. Everyone masks, including "normal" people, we just struggle more with it than they do. The blind can't see, the deaf can't hear, and because of my Autism I can't function socially. I was born with a disability, and unless you believe in God, no one can be blamed for that. No one is punishing me.
@@buttercxpdraws8101 Humans can't function without social rules, and we wouldn't have survived and evolved to this point without our social behavior. My Autistic father once called my sister manly in front of her boyfriend. She started to cry. Autistic authenticity often hurt other people, and can break their self-esteem. We can't ask someone to tolerate that.
@@JWildberry Of course, I meant the excessive, exhausting Aspergers part, to the point of not being oneself.Idk what leg to stand on, however i "am", it is wrong. Even if blaming is not constructive, there are reasons. Idk what you last paragraph refers to, not what I said? Be well.
Hi Paul, hello Everyone. I really enjoy videos on this channel. I have recently come across them via Yo Samdy Sam channel. I have a question on how an autistic person can find balance between staying themselves and creating healthy relationships. What I have in mind is particularly the case when people around don't accept the "quirks" and refuse cooperation. To what extend shall one push themselves to fit in and when it's time to step in and say "that's enough, I can no longer live like that"? What is your experience in creating close relationships in adulthood without having to tame and discipline yourself all the time? Millie
I have had a few friends over the years that didn't really understand what being an Aspie means. They would get frustrated with certain decisions of mine from time to time, such as choosing to opt out of some activities. I just realized that they don't get it, so I didn't get mad at them, but at the same time I stuck to my decisions. I know myself and my limits. At times I have to accept that people will misunderstand me as being "lazy" or something else. Those people, however aren't usually the people I am super close with. The people I am close with are more willing to at least try to understand me or meet me in the middle on some level.
How do others experience not fitting in? I feel it deep inside but struggle to articulate just how or why I feel it. I do seem to get a lot of angry looks from people when I speak (or, for that matter, when I don't speak)!
As a woman I have always preferred the company of men. I always stand out in job interviews, but that is chalked up to me being a woman in a male dominated industry and career path. I have also felt for the first time I fitted in since I started my career as a software engineer. We're usually introverts and a bit different, and that is OK.
How come, when I return from social gatherings [amongst friends, relatives or even strangers] especially large grooups with 'mingling' involved, I find myself reliving all the conversations and having a sinking feeling regardless of how I percieve them [negative or positive or 'the mask' doing the talking]. The rest of my day [at least] will be lost to all this mental energy spent disecting what, on the whole was probably just chit-chat and 'making nice' - which was a nightmare to 'act out' in the first place. Oh, and the 'sinking feeling' ? its more like 'sinking thought' its not a physical response but a mental one - like being chewed out by your own conscience!
I don't mean to criticize, but I found the "noise-cancelling" effect when you stopped talking to be a little off-setting... maybe settings were a little too high. Anyway, great practical video as always. Thank you.
I was thinking of having a bunch of t-shirts made that say "I have both autism and low vision, so good luck getting my attention". How does that sound?
Hi, I'm 15 and I suspect I have ASD. I don't have many friends and I'd usually rather stay home and read a physics book than do social activities that involve many people, which are very stressful for me. I'm only afraid that when I grow up I'll regret non having fully enjoyed this age. Do you have any advice?
I hope it's OK I answer you? There can be a lot of pressure on adolescence being some great, amazing time in your life but so often it is not that. For everyone, autistic or not, but especially when autistic, it's a really challenging time of life navigating change in identity and social dynamics. It's OK if you are just doing what makes YOU happy and not living up to the expectations of others. What is successful and what is fulfilling depends on the individual and it's OK if it's very different for you than for most other people. 😊
I'm 37, so been there done that. If its stressful, and not fun for you, you are not going to regret opting out of an activity. I actually congratulate myself that I didn't do a lot of the awfully stupid teen nonsense that my peers got into. That said, you may find yourself gradually enjoying some social activities, but at a later age than others, a late-late bloomer if you will. I think I got more interested in socializing in my twenties and opened up more during that time. Don't try to make yourself conform to the cultural age standards. Do things at your own pace.
Paul, I know i am off-topic...Is it just you that finds it easier to relate to women (as oppose to men), or is this charateristic of most Aspies?...And if so, would you please elaborate on it at a later time, perhaps as a future topic?...I think your insight could prove to be quite beneficial to NT wives like me who want to better understand their respective Aspie husband...By the way, I already have an idea as to why an Aspie would feel much more comfortable relating to women...Greetings from Southern California ☺
If people would reject the real you, why are you with them? Masking takes energy, and over time, can lead to depression and suicidal ideation. Seems, a better solution, is to find/create a more comfortable environment.
Which various disability (and discrimination) advocates and groups have been at for quite some time; change takes time and for certain things/for now one has to "play by the rules" - I have an autistic friend who used to work in retail, so her job relied on her masking.
Also, the fear of rejection can be great due to negative past experiences, but ultimately unfounded (which part of my brain reminds me of), so I still try, or I'd stop trying in most cases - as very few have the gift of calming anxious people intuitively and effectively. That's how it is for me.
We’d love for a better solution,but it’s not a conscious choice. I’m 39 and just going through diagnosis. I’ve only JUST realised I’ve been masking my WHOLE LIFE! I’ve had to tell my husband and son everything. Which now means my brain has unconsciously unmasked lots of things. I just do or say things. Unaware I was different about it before! I’m disabled, extremely ill with many diseases, and have suffered many,toooo many traumas in my life to now find out IM AUTISTIC! My son is 21 and I’ve supported him every day through diagnoses,medication, specialist educational settings and fought for and with him forever yet NEVER looked at myself. But…..now my whole world maukes sense! To me,husband and son! And I never looked at me as females display very differently so only studied/researched males. Masking and therefore socialising is beyond draining. Due to my disabilities I can say I’m going for a rest. LUCKILY! As after over analysing the whole way there,then with others,trying to gauge and read and mask,then going to rest but not getting one as you’re over analysing every detail and word since you arrived,THEN it’s time to start again. I dread any holiday season, which is sad but true. Even though I have to mask and it’s subconsciously….it frequently goes wrong causing stress,anger and tension,so..it has it’s downfalls. But I’m not choosing it. And still waiting official diagnosis. Son has Asperger’s. Drained due to physical disabilities now,sorry if it doesn’t make sense 😬🤞🏻
Also.. they would only reject the ‘us’ that they may see immediately. As what we would say and do initially would probably come across wrong and be read wrong. That does not mean that once people got to know the real us that they would reject us then. I have had difficulties in my marriage as has anybody that I know and my husband said to me earlier this year, that I was not the person that he met. I was distraught and devastated and knew that I was that same person and so could not fathom what on earth he was talking about. We somehow got through that with talking, communicating which whilst it’s difficult, it is possible with time and learning even more about each other. And now that it has come up that I am highly likely autistic of which I’m positive my son is positive and my husband at first was mixed/confused to say the least. He has since then realised, that every problem we have ever had is down to my autism. This is because we all have unbelievable memories and therefore remember very specific details of arguments and disagreements of where things went wrong, and now when he thinks about me and being autistic, he says that the world, and our lives, and everything that I have ever done to make him potentially doubt me certain times….all now makes perfect sense. We have been able to sit there for hours upon hours dissecting every situation being able to explain why I appeared different or seemed different or acted differently or acted differently to the time before with the same people etc. So the point being I’ve been with my husband for 17 years and I have never seen him love me so much now he understands. We were truly happy anyway and I’ve gotten through so many difficult times that we always said we could get through anything, but that does not change the fact that it is now 100% easier. It is like the Sun moon and planets have aligned. So my husband has seen every side of me and now understands why there are different sides and still loves me as me as he always has for the real me. I’m really lucky I found my forever as many don’t! But, I suffered many atrocities first. I wish you all luck 🍀
At this point I have no idea if and when I’m asking I have no idea if and when I’m not masking all I know is that it is extremely confusing trying to figure out other people and trying to figure out what to say and what to do at specific times so I just avoid as much as I can because I’ve looked at it I’ve been looked at it’s very strange unusual and looked at is kind of stupid and I identify more as a sloth than anything
The thing with you finding it easier to relate to women is kind of interesting: For me as an autistic female person it has always been easier to relate to men ^^.
I wonder how much of my acting and hiding is Aspergers and whether some is more neurotic, because of all the layers of mobbing stress from authority officials not getting me, and Doctors. What shall I do, can't even file a police report or get my stolen money and home back, nor get health- and psychiatric help, am too stress exhausted and paralyzed with fear. It's called dorso-vagal stress response. Must get out of it, dangerous.Can't even get myself treatment for trauma, they want clients with normal problems and behaviour. The worst thing is not homelessness in itself, but them intimidating, harming me without warning or saying why, keeping me scared as to what they might do to me next or if they might come and take me, traffick my body and person. Found an online therapist who wants to treat me. But he doesn't know Aspergers and i have become sick with some things he did the 2 trial sessions. but the good parts make it hard to turn it down, since I really need help. But I fear it hs gone too far and that i might get harmed and die, or kill myself.
At first i thought it would be about this mask-wearing craze 😂😂 I don't know about you but i really hate it to my core and just can't stand this whole bs.. I video on the effects of corona on people with ASD would be really great once 👍 Btw, using abother but self-authentic part of you in a given situation is a brilliant piece of advice! Just made me realise i have started doing this recently and it feels like the final solution to my life-long problem finally!!! Especially in the past few years, trying to fit in and suppressing my own self has caused me unbearable levels of anxiety, which means it is clearly not an eligible strategy for me... nice vid!
People always seem to know I’m a foreigner even though I’ve been here for almost 10 years lol I guess I stick out like a sore thumb and I’m not autistic. So because I stand out that’s why people are always bugging me lol well I will never blend in ever
Guys should be friends with guys. But guys don't sit down and chat, they are generally more functional and problem solving. Thus i'm actually more comfortable finding females as friends. Right now I have 2 guy friends and 2 female friends. I tend to initiate conversation with the two female friends(separately) rather than the guy friends...
It's good to compliment the person on their achievement before you go over them, and when you do, do it gently. Being brutally honest in such situations can be career killers b/c noone likes you anymore. (I can know, it is my life story) And when talking to a fellow autistic, do the above with even more caution! If you thought an NT & and an aspie getting along was tough, try two aspies together...It can work great, but it can also botch seriously if both are a bit cocky. I've learned to mask my authentic self when in work situations. It's better that way. I have to bite on my tongue many times a day, otherwise I'd blurt out way more than necessary.
@@giftedgreen2152 10% of people have ADHD, yeah the thing with ADHD is that if you're not on top of it everyday of the week you get like that. I have ADHD but I'm also autistic officially diagnosed a little bit over a year ago. I theorize that most people who clash with Autistic people are those undiagnosed with ADHD, diagnosed but not owning it, or people who have close relatives or first, second, or third cousins of people with ADHD expressing some traits but not enough to get the full diagnosis.
I hate masking. If I could give an example of something and someone, a woman who works at my local Woolworths admitted to me that she likes Hanson. Now, hell would freeze over before I'd vote One Nation, and after the ignorant rant she gave about us, I was furious! Hanson said nothing about autistic kids being bullied by neurotypical kids, she was all about defending the rights of neurotypical kids. So, she might be wondering why I don't talk to her anymore or if I do, I keep it to a minimum, but, for me it was a case of a clash of core values. I couldn't deal with somebody in a situation whereby they'd say, "What do you think of Hanson?" and I don't know their opinion, and have to say, "Well, what do you think about Hanson?" To me, that's insincere and nonsensical. To give an example of where it became a bit positive, I was sitting near a woman, one day, when I was waiting to see my rheumatologist, and she lived in Dutton's electorate. She didn't mention him, and neither did I, and my belief was, "You're here to see a doctor, not to start a political discussion. She might hate him as much as I do, but she might not, either." So, it was better to leave it. Like you, I tend to get on better with women than men. I might have told you why before, but as I have no interest in football (I am happy if the Canberra Raiders win, but that's because I like Ricky Stuart and he has an autistic daughter, Emma) I have no common ground, and was always ridiculed as not being a real male. I only have one male doctor I'm comfortable with, and that's my rheumatologist, and part of why I get on with him is we're both from marginalised backgrounds. He's Australian-born to Sicilian immigrant parents and they worked as cane-cutters in Far North Queensland. He has olive skin and dark features, so he stands out, and he also wears flamboyant clothes. I had the misfortune of seeing a doctor with whom I had a serious personality clash, and he blended in because of his red hair and fair skin and had assimilated too well. My rheumatologist, however, could really only integrate. My GP is Chinese and we get along really well. I remember being REALLY uncomfortable, and this is also why I reject evangelical churches, when a pastor told me I should talk to more guys. I had nothing in common with them!
1. If you are homeless and you meet a cheerleader/normie/veryverysoccermom female or a "jock" Gen X male. In this case, "masking" is not beneficial, obviously, but pretending is. You do this long enough to obtain the money, ride, or bed, and then you can stop with the Gen X male but might have to continue for a while with the cheerleader type, if you are living with her and if she also fully understands eviction-related rulings and statutes for your area. 2. If you have stupidly done this at some prior time in your life, and you also currently work in mid-level management (Drew Carey's level) at a sociopathic company but you want to keep that job anyway. 3. While at court and the judge is also an asshole. 4. Literally never.
When I was younger I hated being different, and now.. meaning several years, I love it. Enjoy your differences. But I recently , watching these videos, I’m seeing I have things in common with others in aspire , which I like . I feel connected in a way. Always love your uniqueness
I always thought the goal was to be as likable as possible and hide the things others didn't like about myself.. I'm 30 and I realise now that I'm autistic.. I'm starting the process of getting a diagnosis tomorrow morning with a specialist..
I've found it helpful to point out specific characteristics others may find unusual in a way they would understand, as opposed to simply saying I'm autistic. For example, I say, "talking to me can be a bit like talking to Alexa," and they get it. I don't have to go into a big story or elaborate more than that. It's enough for them to grant me some leeway when I need them to rephrase something I don't understand.
That’s a really great technique!
True. After some unfortunate arguments, I learned that it can be prevented by telling those I'm closed to that "if I can't finish a sentence that's already lined up in my head, it feels like I have ants crawling around my brain." It's easy to understand, and people accept and sympathize with it surprisingly often.
Thank you for saying that. I tend to just tell people I’m autistic but using an example is much better.
That’s so unbelievably helpful! THANKYOU🙏🏻
"Explain to me like I'm 5" is what I usually say xD
First, I must say that I am really grateful I found this channel a few weeks ago, so thanks a lot Paul for your content.
Actually, I have a question about masking, and I would be really interested to hear what people think of it.
I’m in my thirties and discovered for the first time about autism a few months ago, and recognized myself basically in all autistic traits from strong social/professional difficulties to routines, sensitivity to sound/light/smells etc. It was a big discovery for me, because things started to make sense, and for the first time in my life, I felt that maybe I belonged somewhere. Of course, I will try to do my best to get officially diagnosed.
The “masking” part though puzzles me a little bit. Because I feel that the main reason why I don’t manage to make friends is actually that I’m unable to mask, while “normal people” seem to do so naturally. Socially, I feel somehow like a sloth, while normal people would be super agile and fast monkeys, understanding, adapting and dealing with things without struggling.
For example, my ex-gf was a really sociable clearly not autistic person, and observing her, I felt that her success to connect socially was probably due in part to her ability to adapt naturally to the person she was talking to, to always pretend being interested etc. In a way, she had many faces depending on the person she was talking to. As of me, I feel that my social handicap comes from the fact that I am unable to show anything but my own face. I feel like I am too raw and unable to adapt or make even small lies, while normal people seem to be much smoother in doing so.
While totally relating to the social struggles of Paul and others and feeling like I share the same experience, does this sounds strange if I say that to me normal people are the ones who look like they wear masks - and are therefore hard to read and understand - while I am the one who doesn’t manage to as if I was always too naked?
In response to your last paragraph I feel the same way as I always notice when talking with other ‘normal’ people that they seem to act more interested then they actually are when it comes to certain discussions.
Despite not following the social norms of society I at least now feel happy with the way I interact with my family or friends since I used to struggle to express my worries as a child and I still do to some extent as an adult.
I mainly use the masking effect when talking with strangers or people I don’t really like as it helps me feel better in those scenarios and it’s almost like a defence mechanism that I can’t help but do now, however I always try to be polite to people whenever I can as my parents raised me to always be kind to others and whenever I can help people out it makes me feel a lot happier with myself.
I know that by simply being myself I do feel much more happy in my life and I hope that everyone has the chance to try and find the best version of themselves and to never give up when things seem to be going not so great.
@@Awe5omegamer64 Thanks a lot for your answer!
I totally agree with you. It’s of course essential to always be polite and respectful of other people, but to find happiness it's important to manage to be ourselves. I guess that I really started to find some kind of peace when I became able to say to myself "it's ok even if you don't fit in".
@@pico6596 I do feel similar/get what you mean and feel like it fits into masking:
Essentially others do it (certain things in conversation and interaction) naturally without altering themselves/their core, whereas we have to hide (or mask) certain or all of our autistic traits to be "socially acceptable" - so, for example, in certain situations I hold eye contact strongly to get a better result, but it absolutely drains me (immensely depending on length and intensity of the interaction), while for others it's a small thing that happens subconsciously, is completely natural, costs no energy, and does not "go against their brain's wiring".
Ugh, this is kinda difficult to explain, I hope I got my main points across. :)
Not every autistic person masks. It tends to be a little more common in women and girls, but that is a very general statement.
You're right that non-autistic people are a lot more socially adaptive and fluid. For them it is natural and instinctive, so much of it happens intuitively without thought. Sometimes autistic people can learn to act that way but it takes huge effort and that is a form of masking. There are other forms of masking too - learning scripts, mimicking other people or characters from TV shows, being incredibly self-conscious and self-monitoring, forcing uncomfortable eye contact. Masking often generates shame and anxiety or is done as a result of those feelings and fear of rejection. It definitely comes with a cost.
Non-autistic people aren't necessarily masking, but they can be very inauthentic and even dishonest compared to an autistic person who tends to be more blunt, factual, open and honest.
It is very fair to question who it really is that has the communication "disorder". In fact neither group of people do, it's just different communication styles. Autistic people are very effective communicators with each other!
Congratulations on your Autistic Awakening.😄 It is definitely an intense time for those of us late-identified with a lot of reframing of identity and memories. Professional diagnosis is not absolutely necessary - there are pros and cons and it's a choice.
As someone about to turn 47 who is most definitely on the spectrum but not diagnosed, I would say you are completely correct.
I think that nurotypical people mask nearly constantly without even thinking about it. Whereas people on the autistic spectrum have to work much harder to be able to mask if we are even able to at all. I have learned to mask fairly well. (That's more common for autistic females than for autistic males.) But I've worked really hard to learn how to. It has not come easily. And it seems like it would be really nice not to have to.
I wonder if NT people find it easier to see through masks. Or maybe they are happy to just interact with other people's masks and don't care much who they really are.
I feel like I'm constantly trying to see who someone is behind the mask.
I can see where life would be very hard for you with the inability to mask at all. With no protection at all. I am glad that I am mostly able to mask when needed. At the same time, it would be nice if we were in a world where there was no need to mask at all.
I don't know if this helps at all. But if nothing else, maybe know that some people do understand.
It’s interesting that you say you feel comfortable in a group of women as the only man. I can totally see your point of view. As a female, being in a group of females makes me feel like I need to mask even more. In a group of men, I’m usually more natural and don’t mind standing out since I’m already different, like you said.
I'm glad my life has been pretty rural. I can be "the farm-girl" in a familiar group of women situation. It explains my clothes/hair/lifestyle, and why I also hang out with men.
Chit chat is where my terror ramps up! I have so little in common with most women that I am in a constant panic trying to think of conversation gambits.
I just want to thank you for your videos. I have a teenage son with aspberger. You help me so much with understanding and with how to talk with him. He's a great young man. 16 worked 2 jobs this summer and just bought his first vehicle. Again thank you.
Oh my goodness. This is so lovely. I resonated deeply. I was homeschooled and have been using this to describe why I’m different my entire life!
I really, really like this video. And I've done both as well. When I moved from the northern US to the southern US it was as if I had moved to a different country. I looked, sounded, and acted different from everyone else. Suddenly my differences were associated with my not being from there. Not with my just being odd.
I also colored my hair Celtic red. Because I liked it that way. But it looked so natural on me that I looked even more Celtic than I already am. And it made it even more obvious that I wasn't from there.
Suddenly the question was, "Where are you from?" instead of the unspoken, "Why are you odd?" It was really nice.
I also do choose to reveal certain parts of myself based on what would be best accepted in a situation. And I allow the rest to be unknown. Not hidden. Just not necessarily revealed. I don't pretend to be something I'm not. But I don't need to broadcast all of who I am to everyone. I can pick and choose what to show to whom and when. That allows me to show an authentic version of myself without just flopping my whole personality down on the table for review.
It was encouraging to see that you do pretty much the same. Thank you. 👍
I can totally relate to your Malaysia story. I noticed that while living abroad if there was a miscommunication it could be chalked up to me speaking a 2nd language. Any awkwardness could be perceived as me being from a different culture. People are much harder on me in my own country when I miscommunicate because I don't have an obvious excuse.
Same. Only I moved to a vastly different part of the same country. Northern US to Southern US. I am clearly from a different world here. So some people cut me some slack. In the bigger cities anyway. In the smaller towns different in any way is often considered bad.
There is no communication problem between NTs and Aspies. NTs are just retarded plan and simple, and need to leave Aspies alone.
Exactly.
That is one of the best descriptions of being honest and private at the same time! Self control and integrity! My problem (up until now) has been understanding who I really am! We shouldn’t need to hide, but we don’t need ‘put it all out there’. Thank you!
This has really helped me in sorting out why it hasn't worked out for me to be able to stay in the senior women's church group class 😓 I have been trying so hard, repeatedly, to go and "fit in"/participate, but it has failed to the point where I don't want to go back anymore. I did try repeatedly to talk to the teacher and even told her I am Neuro-divergent (I still don't feel safe telling anyone I have ASD), and she even told me several times that I didnt do/say anything bad/wrong/inappropriate BUT there were 3 women that I felt hated/couldn't tolerate/like me, and after they were rude, nasty, bullying to me, I can't put myself through it anymore, even though the teacher and rest of the women don't have a problem with me. I have NOT been able to figure out how to cope with the "mean people" that keep me from going to groups. Im still trying to figure it out...
I think self love and self acceptance is the way, as always. Being treated unfairly and not even thinking about internalizing their behaviors as self doubt. Sending you love❤️
🤯You videos are like cheat codes! All of these things happen to me and only 1 of them I had figured out. I love Asia and I realized part of it was because no one expects me to get things right it's so much easier to learn and they are normally willing to help. The comfort around women thing especially,totally the same but never made the connection (also old granda farmer types🤷🏻). Thank you as always, you help remind me I'm not alone out here.
Hi Paul, I am so fond of your wise views on these topics! And I see those views as more a matter of humanitarian views, than just regarding people on the spectrum. It may count for all people who stand out. You don't want to let go of your autentic self, neither do you want to be provocative for no good cause. I am not autistic, just a bit of a nerd in my family and in other surroundings. My older siblings used to laugh a bit when I said something with a sarcastic tone. Later on, when I got more mature, I stared to talk about my 'inner values' - and to my surprise the whole conversation became much more difficult. I had dropped my sarcastic mask.. Some topics we do not tuch so much. Nowadays I am very content when we talk about gardening and the like, as I realized that I may have startled their inner sense of security, not only the sense of group values. Which of course was not expected from the little sister in a gang of 5 sibling. Group values often become some kind of inner security system. :D
I always appreciate your nuanced discussion of masking.
There seems to be a common idea that circulates in the autistic community that masks should just be simply dropped entirely. I am not sure that is a good, healthy goal, or even possible. If it's a subconcious survival instinct it can't just be switched off, and the environment must be safe to even think about doing it or there is risk of more rejection-based trauma.
I like this idea of presenting parts of your authentic self. It is certainly true that having an inauthentic, masked self accepted feels like rejection, I've experienced that and it is incredibly, deeply painful. I also find masking by choice as an empowered, deliberate, considerate act to make others feel comfortable is sustainable and feels affirming when it's just short interactions - eg someone in a shop.
Agree!, masking is necessary for me to feel comfortable in social situations. It can be draining but I leave when I start to feel that way and go home and relax and recooperate.
For me, Paul is an explorer and adventurer showing others how to increase their Awareness of their masked state, versus their "true" state. Awareness of their True state (autistic) has immense value.
A word of caution...I was explaining a lot of this, and the thought processes that go behind masking, to my wife a few weeks ago and she was absolutely horrified at the effort and constant concentration that's required in any social or professional situation. While we may see it as a practical thing, just a part of life that we have to deal with, NTs (particularly those who are sufficiently invested in our lives) often won't see it that way at all; not only is there the "So...you're just pretending when you're with me?" hurdle to get over, but once they try to empathise and put themselves in that situation, it apparently starts to look like every day is a waking nightmare even with them.
Basically...it's worth being aware that you may need to be gentle before you go into such a conversation, rather than just bluntly dumping the details on them.
As someone who has had this conversation with my husband and close friends, I absolutely agree with you.
.....No, your wife WAS NOT WAS NOT WAS NOT WAS NOT horrified at anything "required". She was horrified at how YOU PERSONALLY DECIDE to do those things,.and how you MADE A FALSE CLAIM that this is somehow "required". Your wife could have, theoretically, talked to any other autistic non-disabled adult instead, and would have then been NOT horrified AT ALL because they would have said zero words about any "masking" and have probably never even heard of it since obviously most autistic don't read all this weird language on the Internet like this. And then that other autistic adult who is a very similar job and level as you, your wife would say absolutely nothing because the grand total of that adults description of what they do at work would be something like, "Umm, I go to work? I file the paper? I'm annoyed if someone yells at me when I'm too late?". Your wife might have been horrified by a description of how some asshole boss yells for a stupid reason or some other employees are incompetent and you have to go and fix what they did and it's therefore stressful and if applicable can be astounded about that. Bit definitely not about any so-called "masking" being so-called "required", because there is literally no situation in existence when it is "required" besides a dangerous psychiatrist evaluation!
I don't think I can point out a public version of my "authentic self". I'm not sure if it actually exists. I can change from (for example) an academic precise type to a simple country person with ease. I will often change dialect (or language) depending on where I'm trying to fit in (or not).
The term "authentic self" really just puzzles me.
That’s so true!!! I was a German in Malaysia for many years. And I also found it easier. I also feel more comfortable in the company of men rather than fellow women. All this helped me a lot, on the regular day-to-day level. But I was also doomed to feel alone and solitary most of the time. It was fine, though. It is easier to stand out. When I’m masking I feel weak and can’t give my best - because I am simply not my authentic and best self 😊 Glad you’ve pointed this out. Awesome!!!
Just been watching to learn recently, and I'm struck at how I often really genuinely love the social weirdos. Extreme haircuts, loud music, tattoos, piercings, fantasy or sci-fi buff, too much knowledge in one area... I'm always intrigued, even if they come off as a little pompous. I think passion is beautiful, even if the person is completely unaware.
I found your channel (and a few others) not too long ago, and it's really helped me understand my own life e experiences a lot better. Thanks for all the educational videos you put out! I'm going to try to find a local autism group this weekend since I've heard your story and thoughts
I've had all my sessions (6 in total, 2-3 hrs each) of Q&A concerning ADD and autism. Results and diagnosis should be in within a week or 5 and in the meantime some of my relatives are being interviewed.
I turned 50 in June.
Same here, except I'm turning 50 next year.
Went to the doctor for depression/burnout, he referred me to a psychiatrist, we dug into my past for PTSD and found autism. It's been 6 months of "oh so *that* is why I my teachers said I had to pay more attention, *that* is why I was bullied, *that*'s why I pretty much allways got sick just before a party, why I like to be alone, etc etc. If I had known this 40 years ago....
I turn 47 this month. I'm still not diagnosed. I tried when I was seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist in my mid 20s. But at that time girls were thought to not have autism. And I mask well. So, my suggestion was brushed off by both doctors. I am positive that I am, though. Life would probably have been much different had I been diagnosed back then. I'd have been on disability, for one thing. Which would have saved me a lot of heartache. But so it goes. I'm glad that you guys are finally being diagnosed now.
Some of these topics are so sensitive that it becomes difficult to explain my thoughts. Masking is one of those subjects that I rarely find myself in congruence with the larger autistic community on but this video is solid and realistic. I may experience differences of opinions on this topic because I'm so late diagnosed and so much other baggage/disorders have piled on over a lifetime.
I have complex trauma woven into my autism and have from early childhood. I learned to mask without knowing I was masking because I needed to blend in. I didn't want to be noticed, I wanted to be invisible. It seems to me that neurotypicals mask as well but they learn to integrate with their masks early on in a more seamless fashion. Neurotypicals are, for the most part, one with their masks which is what I'd call 'personality'.
Personally, I can't really help but be authentic but my authentic self is often something not appropriate to display. My 'authentic mask' is honestly more of a filter than a mask. I have to be conscious in a given situation what features of my authentic self are appropriate. If I'm feeling anxious, distressed, depressed or of low value, I'm not wanting to display that. There is hardly a situation in which I want to be authentic in that regard. I feel there is no other option but to mask/filter that. Many people with autism also struggle with trauma and people not struggling with trauma may not understand. I read often in these forums that we autistics must throw away the mask. Not a chance. My mask is the tool in which I can interface with others. It can be burdensome but without it I have no way to ease and regulate my social/interpersonal interactions.
👍🏻🙏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
That comment feels like you stole my thoughts of out my head and translated them into words. When I say translated into words, I do not mean text, I mean actual words in full. I struggle hard with doing that and will often talk way too much trying to translate what my mind is thinking to words (only one reason for my excess talking, when I do talk that is). If I am just writing and time is not a constraint in the moment, then what looks like I wrote in 1 minute or 2 minutes may have had 30 minutes to an hour of time spent on it. That makes seeing typos I made after I send it off (as a post, a reply in something, etc.) very difficult for me to be okay with even though if another person made the same typos, I wouldn't think anything of it.
Anyway, I'm going off into the weeds again as I always tend to do (another issue I have). It was surprising to see that comment you put here (well done too) and also felt nice to see it. All that you wrote would be something I would like to hear more talk about.
@@mythias I gave a round of applause to this comment. As I didn’t know what else to say as I couldn’t find the words. And it is like you translated the answer for me, well not the answer but my reply/thoughts! I too experienced significant trauma age 3 to 21. And I’m just going through my diagnosis of Asperger’s now aged 39. When explaining things I don’t just go around the block I go around the whole of the city completely unintentionally as I can’t make a point of what I’m trying to say or explain. This also means that when typing a reply to a post such as this as I can’t put it in a nutshell and it usually ends up looking more like an essay. So I want to thank you for your reply as it’s really helped me as I feel exactly the same as the comment itself and your reply. At present I am suffering significantly with PTSD which is another factor to add into the mix which blurs lines and the other answers or explanations. I too have masks on the whole life and not been aware of it so it is inbuilt and it helps me immensely. I would not manage any social situation without this. That does not mean I am being fake or false, it just means but I have found a way to get through and get through I must. I am also disabled with 20 different diseases and conditions with a son with autism also. I got my son diagnosed with autism age 8 and he also has other diagnoses. I have fought for him from day one including getting him onto specialist educational provision. I did all that to do the best by him, whilst still not knowing I was autistic myself. I won every battle that I fought because I knew that these were ‘needs and not wants’- and it now makes sense why I understood it all so well. I am proud to say I got him through education to his dream job and now it’s time to sort me. Thanks again for writing in words what was in my head to both of you🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
@@itsjomckinlay8160 and T. Eli Ahrens, Thank you for your replies. Some of these thoughts are very difficult to put down in words, I believe because language and writing needs to be put forth in a linear form while our thoughts are anything but linear. Personally, I often grasp to express the much bigger picture inside my head and it's hard to translate that one word at a time. Metaphorically, it's like trying to express the full contents of a tube of toothpaste by squeezing it out, line by line. It can be done but it's frustrating and I get impatient hoping I don't miss anything.
Jonathan, I think it's great you are aware enough to advocate for your son. In some ways, the autism isn't the biggest challenge I face. Autism has it's challenges for sure but I'm learning to accept it as part of who I am. It's the trauma and intense, poorly regulated emotions that has brought me the greatest misery in my life. I have recently been delving into the CPTSD that has been nearly as constant a part of my life as the autism. Among many other experiences I had in early childhood, my mother also likely had Asperger's and was broken and devastated by her failing marriage. She was not available to aid me with my emotional needs and difficult life experiences at the most critical times. She meant to but she just couldn't. That has left me with strong avoidant and fearful attachment difficulties that is making the formation of any close personal relationships nearly impossible. Without friends, without trust, healing seems nearly impossible. I don't have the tools to do it. At 59 years of age, I fear I wont learn them in time. Again, your son is fortunate to have you for his advocate. You are gifted with each other. Your son may not have to fight his way through as much trauma with you being there for him.
In terms of masking, I wonder sometimes if what I think of as masking is the same as what others think of as masking? Around 20 years ago I had pretty much a complete breakdown, became effectively homeless and isolated myself onto a piece of land in the woods(that I fortunately owned). I hid out for more than a decade. There was no mask for me, there was no one to mask for. I still had some interactions with people( I have an adult daughter), but I allowed few to come and see me. In that time I stripped away all that might be interpreted as inauthentic and slowly put some semblance of life back together. Rather than a mask, I face the world now with the best authentic expression of myself I can. It's a tool, not a mask.
I am learning to be more aware of myself and what is most appropriate to express to others. Sometimes my authentic self forgets that what I want to talk about isn't interesting to others. Sometimes my opinions are better left unsaid. Sometimes I can come across as course and insensitive because I don't read or understand people and situations correctly. Sometimes I'm so caught up in my own thoughts and emotions that I fail to pick up on what others are trying to express to me. Sometimes my moods are not something I should be sharing with others and I need to filter these things out. I make no apologies for trying to be conscious of how I come across to others and filtering to me is not masking. Neither is it inauthentic. The thing I appreciate about Paul and this channel is that Paul seems to get it. He's not some disconnected clinician, he's working on things from the inside and he's able to get these things across to those of us trying to make sense of it all. Thank you, Paul.
This is a great video. I'm resonating heavily with everything here.
Something that i found very useful and makes my social life considerably easier, is not to "mask" literally, but rather "only show what is necessary"; I'm not showing myself completely, but i'm not hiding either; I'm only showing what is being asked of me: i give people what they want or need, but i also make my limits and differences clear IF NEEDED. Its all a matter of balance. That way people notice that i'm different, but don't get "annoyed" with my differences, because i am just being honest and straightfoward without too much exposure.
I used to mask essentially all of the time, it led me to being emotionally and sexually abused because the default instinct became "conform to their expectations". Eventually I had a psychotic breakdown, recovered and was diagnosed 3 years later at 26.
Something I learned to do was hide in plain sight. Most of the time I wear tie-dyed and rainbow clothing. I am left alone because I stand out too much, and additionally there is zero expectation that I will interact according to normal social expectations (statistical normal) simply by the virtue of the external presentation.
I have found that social expectations are the predominate cause of a lot of my and my friends mental health issues.
So, game the system. If part of autism is a sort of obsessive focus, then if we can aim that at social interaction then we may find them easier to deal with.
Of course there are limits to this due to the vast number of contradictions within the standard set of social expectations, but it can help a bit.
The one I find the most difficult is the "we want you to talk about your feelings and problems, but if those problems and feelings don't conform to our expectations then we expect you to lie." Especially when I say that contradictions like this ARE the problem. Want me to tell the truth and lie at the same time? Yeah, no. Being alone is better than dealing with that constant anxiety and stress load.
Wow Ket. Pretty much the same thing has happened to me. I’ve been where you’re at for a while now. Hugs. 🤗
That's a genius method you explained in the beginning - love it!
About the last part: that's why I look for friends who don't expect me to lie about anything (try telling it up front) and then talk about feelings... But that's much easier said than done. :/
@@buttercxpdraws8101 hugs indeed 🤗 probably already know this but, not your fault.
@@tabitas.2719 in the last couple of years my friendship group has definitely shrunk! Though I am closer now with the friends I do have.
@@anthonywarwick I'd argue that's a good thing (as long as it's not shrunk to a point your mental health is affected negatively). :)
May your friendships keep going strong!!
Either I mask a lot to the point I feel fake and relationships thereby also feel fake, yet things at least go easier around others, or I cut all connections so I can be myself fully. Wish I could be myself and have long-term rewarding connections. And I've been working hard on social interaction since I was a teen, I'm 33 now. I have cycles of being super social, have co-workers, girlfriends, family connections, friends, groups, and then cycles of literally no one. Reasons for these shifts: I can't keep up contact / I feel like the relationships start impacting me negative in some way where I can't accept the compromise / we have a conflict and both sides see it so differently (ND Vs NT), / I grow to feel the relationship is not for me anymore as I progress and they are stuck / I get burned out socially / I come back to if I can't be myself why do this, even for the social benefits, which are sparse to begin with unless you are the type to really reap them (Think social expert NT type) AND minimal in any case if it is not on authenthic terms (being myself). How great was that night out with a group of friends if I wasn't really in it as myself, just playing a role? That's why I'm the type who chooses even long-term loneliness even when I could go do some social activity just like that. I have to be in the right space with myself, and the actual space has to be right to, like the people and the environment. That takes a lot because of my history and issues. As for why I go back to trying the social thing again and again, well I always want to grow and progress and obviously ideally I want some version of a social life for myself, to some degree.
I am 20 years old and i have had the idea that i was autistic a few times in my life because i always felt so alienated in school and in my family growing up, but my family (and unfortunately even myself) brushed it off as me just being really “gifted” and funny, because nobody expects a pretty girl who is in AP and Honors classes and participated in business club could be autistic. I have hyper fixated on self-development, emotional intelligence, social behavior, body language skills, and become amazing at masking. Over the last 2 years i have ghosted numerous people and literally disappeared from friendships because i was burning myself out and i couldn’t understand why. A few months ago my sister started expressing her frustration with herself because my nephew (her son) had been exploding in tantrums and emotions and she didn’t know why and we started exploring autism research. Although I thought my sister was trying to make good use of my incredible ability to research any topic I’m interested in and become an expert on it within a few months to help my nephew, when i started telling her i oddly relate to a lot of the symptoms she told me she has thought i was an aspie since i was around 12 years old. I had never simultaneously felt so much validation, fear, and relief at the same time. I was diagnosed with adhd about 6 months ago but something about it still felt off, like it wasn’t really adhd and it was something more. I am terrified to talk to my psychiatrist about this and I feel like because I’ve masked so well in front of her too she wouldn’t take me seriously. I live alone now and i love it because it’s the first time in my life I’ve been able to actually listen to myself and act the way i want. It turns out if you’re autistic you can only fake it for so long. Scrolling through the comments while watching these videos has taught me so much already about how to really feel comfortable with who i am and not get frustrated and burnt out. I feel like a combination of masking and unmasking will really help me sustain relationships in the future
Yes the whole area of (blending in : standing out) is complex. I think that I have settled for authentic polite me with the loud exuberant me but of cause I am almost always precariously close to slipping into hyper-vigilant mode because somehow much of the world seems to see these two 'me's' as in conflict. After writing this I'm now thinking and wondering; is being loud and exuberant rude..?.. I don't know, that's the problem I think it can be..... It's not an easy life :)
I am really grateful for your videos. Well considered, and considerate, delivered in a nice temperament. Really helping me settle into this (still feels) new discovered aspect of myself.
I'm watching your videos because for the last two days I have had trouble at work due to being autistic. I had a meltdown and had to leave a store meeting. Then the next day I got written up. So I am now trying to learn how to balance work and my personal life. And also how to be myself, yet how to have boundaries and not overshare. It is confusing thus far.
Thanks man, this is really helpful. I have long been unsure on the right balance to have, especially at work
It is very thoughtful, what you said. Total masking takes a lot of energy and works short term. Bringing out aspects of yourself that are 'passable' (under particular circumstances) seems to work better.
Thank you for your video. I wear a badge promoting either an autistic charity or an organisation that works with autistic people. I feel that enough people have a friend or relation on the spectrum to make a badge work as a mark of community. I agree with you that there is a need to be authentic whilst also having a clear set of aims. I used to 'float into situations', which was often the worst thing for me to do. Then other times I would repeat a good day rather like a rigid formula of success but find it all turned into anxiety. Between these two extremes is where I would most like to be. I also wanted to mention that high levels of noise can rapidly reduce my ability to fit in.
Great video. I love your point about restructuring the way you think about why you stand out. It can be other practical things, like you said. Having an alternative explanation (e.g. clothes that stand out, being the only man/woman/enby) kind of feels like masking with a twist.
Passing in this way is essentially still masking, except the mask is an elevated version of yourself. Outside of a small number of specific situations where I felt physically unsafe, I never mask using a false or imagined persona. My mask is me, but with a consciously regulated affect, and more consciously constrained body language. This is still a mask, it is still a cognitive drain, and it's still nearly impossible to maintain when I'm burnt out. But, when I am burnt out and the mask starts to fall off, I don't seem like a completely different person. At worst, people misinterpret my exhaustion for anger. For me this is a *better* way of masking, but it's still somewhat fraught.
I agree, this is how I mask. When I am tired and the mask falls and people get the blank zombie stare they ask me "Are you ok?" I just tell them that I am tired and stressed, which is true if not terribly detailed. This seems to satisfy most people. Some people are going to think I'm a bit weird, which is expected, and I am ok with that.
I mask all the time. It is very hard work as I come across as normal. It is nice to be accepted in one way. But then ppl don't understand me. It is a catch 22 situation. I get ppl take advantage of me though sometimes and I feel angry at myself for ppl taking advantage of me trying to fit in. But I don't want to keep educating ppl and explaining about myself to everyone.
Thanks for this video. Will definitely check out the other ones as well.
I think masking has become my main way of behaving in the last decade or so. Probably because a psychiatrist had said to me I definitely didn't have autism. But now I know I do, but it is very hard to see now what is me and what is the masking. Am going to work on that with a therapist, hope it helps.
I spent the first 20 years after graduate school being an artist. Being different, standing out, being WEIRD were all advantages. Anything you can do to get your work noticed is a good thing. I got to do things my way, on my own schedule, and I could be as moody and mysterious as I wanted to be.
For the last 15 years, I’ve worked as a musician in an opera company. While it’s still "The Arts," it’s a completely different working environment. Conformity is needed and expected. Everyone must work together, all on the same schedule, all with a cooperative attitude, with no one standing out, in order to get an opera rehearsed and then performed in front of thousands of people. There, I don’t want to be noticed. I want to keep my head down and do my job without anyone paying attention to me. If someone notices me, it’s almost always because I did something wrong.
All of this was done before my diagnosis with ASD. Due to this little global pandemic we’ve had going on, I haven’t worked for a very long time. It’s going to be very interesting to see how things go when I finally do get to perform again, now that I’ve been working at trying to remove all my masks. I’m debating whether or not to announce my diagnosis to my coworkers. It’ll explain why I don’t socialize with any of them, why I don’t go out drinking with everyone after each performance, that kind of thing. I think they think I’m just unfriendly and and antisocial, when the reality is that I don’t enjoy any of that and I’m unable to do that stuff very well. Or, I can just keep on keeping my head down and doing my job...
Great video! Thank you sir!
Good coaching material... i would like more on this, that is, on intentionally involving true aspects of ourselves without moving into another level of masking. I am partly understanding, but not clear on how this might look and feel as opposed to acting. I am thinking this is great advise, simply needing more help!
Thanks that’s really helped slot some things into place for me.
For those of us in our fifties who were children before any of this was even recognised in the main stream, masking was the only realistic choice...going to a parochial school like I did, any sort of standing out at all resulted in beatings and ridicule
Backfiring was how you learned by precedent.
I disclosed to my workplace and requested accommodation. Guess that makes me standing out.
Good luck with that 🤞🏼
please part II
Right on the point.
Now I knew your former styling I like you even more ;) I loved Dream Theatre at a time but am more into hardcore Punk and Grunge now. But I am not totally strict.
Yeah, I always was one of the freaks. In school, university, Jobs. That’s my identity so I do not have to act normal. My friends were also always quite diverse. I simply say: I hate being touched, I can not control my voice sometimes, I do not understand social lies, so do not be angry if I am brutally honest. Most people understood or at least accepted. In public I stand out but not enough for being spotted. In social groups it is ok for me to be a freak.
I am just now at 30 trying to get a diagnosis, so being autistic was never something I could explain differently than with different little quirks. But I learned early that I have to be my true self with just a little acting. Being „normal“ NEVER worked. I use facial expressions and certain social skills like verbal language to express myself and it is quite normal to me - if I do not have to be social all day. I think I am happy with my level of masking and the balance between standing out and fitting in.
I live in South Korea and anytime I'm out with a Korean servers/shop owners completely ignore my existence even if I'm the one in need of something. I've been here a long time so my language skills are advanced but honestly I love not having to interact with strangers haha I've meet a lot of NT people who hate being trated that way after studying so much
For me it wasn't just being autistic and not knowing that made me stick out, I'm also half Chinese, have a hyphenated surname and hypermobility. So right out the gate I felt different and was treated that way. I'm now 42, I've never disclosed my autism in a job interview since I didn't realise that was a part of my identity until last year. When I did come out my boss said that he sussed that out in the interview. So yes now its the first job when I've been open about it and for the most part that's fine. So I guess its hard to know when and how much I mask because I'm not sure I ever tried to fit in in the first place. I just stuck to being my weird and awesome self from day one. If I go to a job in the future I'd probably focus on skills and capabilities first and decide on coming down from the attic as Autistic later on once I know the company will understand and be supportive.
Hope to have you back at a festival if those ever come back here in germany :D
I am me take it or leave it
*brainblown* :O I never considered that was why I prefer to hangout with boys, men or masculine presenting people because then I can standout or be different around them without feeling like a total weirdo. Awesome insight thank you Paul 👍 :)
For me, it's the company of girls that gets me away from the negative energy which I don't want to call masculine but it's kind of like that. girls tend to be more gentler. that's why I enjoyed spending four years at university with a class full of girls. from about 30 students I was one of the two or three boys.
@@murtazaarif6507 I just realized that for me it's both. Girls are gentler, more open, so it's easier. On the other hand, I find them even harder to "read" than NT men, as then also gender dynamics come into play, females behave differently which is not clear to me as a man.
@@Dezzyyx It seems there are many unique individual factors involved that reflect the deep structures of our deeper states of mind as aspies but one thing we have in common is that we stand out from the mainstream neurotypicals.
This was really good and thought provoking. The bit about how to stand out in a positive way made me realize why I have always liked traveling in Europe and why I was so happy to be able live in Tokyo and Moscow. And the part about how you prefer to hang out with women made me realize this is way various gay guys are always hanging around straight women.
I used to purposely hide my Aspergers when I live in Australia. I moved to Budapest Hungary in 2020 for business reasons due to the lockdowns in Australia crippling my entrepreneurship. In Budapest I don’t even bother hiding my Asperger’s. People here see my Asperger’s as something normal in an Aussie.
How do I know which is the authentic part of me
I think possibly the parts which you feel comfortable with. Or try to keep noticing which parts you are not comfortable with, (you can rule these out) and see what is left and what you would like to keep.
I find the concept of true self and conditioned outer self of masking interesting. rejection is the story of my life. so I shut the world out after becoming a victim of bullying. bullies do not even allow others to accept our true self when we try to express it. I think those are the underlying currents that cyberbullies operate on. I prefer the company of girls maybe because I look masculine and men expect me to act tough but when I don't they use me to show off by intimidating me. I enjoyed four years of my life studying in a class full of girls because they tend to be gentle creatures.
...."Men" do not do that ever because HAVING A PENIS DOES NOT REQUIRE ANY PARTICULAR BEHAVIOR OR OPINION OF ANY KIND FUCKING PERIOD. Let alone does it require bullying and being aggressive without cause!!! "Men" have done this to you literally never. SPECIFIC men have done this do you, and that's not even normies, that's jocks! Plenty of normies are decent human beings in this particular regard! Let alone geeks or scientists or "extreme novel enthusiasts" or hippies or even vegans even though vegans can also be normies too! TALK TO MEN WHO ARE NOT BOTH NORMIES AS WELL AS IMMATURE JOCKS AND/OR BIKERS AND/OR ETC AND THEN MEN WILL NO LONGER BULLY YOU FOR THIS REASON. SO GODDAMN SIMPLE!!!!
Hello Paul. I struggle with the whole idea of the term 'authentic self'. I am trying to start a channel that includes autism (I was diagnosed over 40 years ago) but I am more than 'an autist'. (Aren't we all, though?) I also carry the diagnosis of ADD (stimulants slow my mind down/help me focus). And OCD. I feel all autists I've met have pieces of each of these diagnoses. (Plus are sensory defensive AND are socially awkward to some degree)
But I also train dogs, work in many mediums of art, am musically inclined. I am very health and wellness focused, including exercise and nutrition. (Hence the potential channel name)
But where to start? (At the beginning)
Introductions are always the most difficult for me; the blank page my most formidable nemesis.
I tend to over-think over-thinking. So many thoughts, so little time. Maybe we'll 'meet' one day, if I can get on track; a track.
I find your videos very informative and a little amusing. You are quite talented. Do you have a discord? I'm looking for an active discord for autists.
Interesting that you say it's easier for you to be around women. Many female aspies including me find it easier to spend time with men. There are also many of us who move to another country so we are automatically different. Interesting.
Also your thoughts on masking at job interviews is why I have left so many jobs with a bang, I mask well and then it all falls apart a few months down the line. But then if you don't mask, you don't get the job in the first place. Catch22
nice hair paul
"Never take a knife to a gun fight"
I never take my authentic self into general social situations. Because? No one else in that social situation needs to bother with the idea, as in general they have the privilege to think themselves the norm and to never have to consider how they will present themselves. As a result they don't often have the ability or empathy to readily accomodate who I actually am.
However when i am going into a peer situation (in one of my intersectional locations) I am ready to be authentic because here I generally find a range of genuine experiences and expressions that mean to reveal myself will have a degree of safety.
Yes, a degree of safety. Lateral agression is a thing - the demand that one is the 'right' version of something is a common form of gaslighting in vulnerable communites I have learnt to avoid.
I see a lot of Autistic people getting frustrated and asking why we should have to mask to make them less uncomfortable, but we have to accept that their need for social masking from others is just as valid as our need not to mask. Should we be hurt by our own masking, or should we be allowed to hurt other people so we can be ourselves?
The terrible truth is, when we mask, we may be taken for normal and demanded to be it, and "punished" for not getting it and not being able or even willing to doing it like they say. I want my legal rights back and my home. My health and life-time too, as well as honour and social place.
How about we all try to be more authentic and tolerant, NT and ND?
@@Medietos But if you don't mask, they will still demand it because masking is a requirement for human beings to function socially. Everyone masks, including "normal" people, we just struggle more with it than they do.
The blind can't see, the deaf can't hear, and because of my Autism I can't function socially. I was born with a disability, and unless you believe in God, no one can be blamed for that. No one is punishing me.
@@buttercxpdraws8101 Humans can't function without social rules, and we wouldn't have survived and evolved to this point without our social behavior.
My Autistic father once called my sister manly in front of her boyfriend. She started to cry. Autistic authenticity often hurt other people, and can break their self-esteem. We can't ask someone to tolerate that.
@@JWildberry Of course, I meant the excessive, exhausting Aspergers part, to the point of not being oneself.Idk what leg to stand on, however i "am", it is wrong.
Even if blaming is not constructive, there are reasons. Idk what you last paragraph refers to, not what I said? Be well.
Most of my friends growing up were either mostly female or in band with me.
Thank 6ou
Hi Paul, hello Everyone. I really enjoy videos on this channel. I have recently come across them via Yo Samdy Sam channel.
I have a question on how an autistic person can find balance between staying themselves and creating healthy relationships. What I have in mind is particularly the case when people around don't accept the "quirks" and refuse cooperation. To what extend shall one push themselves to fit in and when it's time to step in and say "that's enough, I can no longer live like that"?
What is your experience in creating close relationships in adulthood without having to tame and discipline yourself all the time?
Millie
I have had a few friends over the years that didn't really understand what being an Aspie means. They would get frustrated with certain decisions of mine from time to time, such as choosing to opt out of some activities. I just realized that they don't get it, so I didn't get mad at them, but at the same time I stuck to my decisions. I know myself and my limits. At times I have to accept that people will misunderstand me as being "lazy" or something else. Those people, however aren't usually the people I am super close with. The people I am close with are more willing to at least try to understand me or meet me in the middle on some level.
How do others experience not fitting in? I feel it deep inside but struggle to articulate just how or why I feel it. I do seem to get a lot of angry looks from people when I speak (or, for that matter, when I don't speak)!
It's a joy to be seen. A disaster to be heard. We are doomed to be solitary and split.
I had a temp job a few years ago, me the solitary male, and nine females. I actually found it better than nine males and a solitary female.
As a woman I have always preferred the company of men. I always stand out in job interviews, but that is chalked up to me being a woman in a male dominated industry and career path. I have also felt for the first time I fitted in since I started my career as a software engineer. We're usually introverts and a bit different, and that is OK.
How come, when I return from social gatherings [amongst friends, relatives or even strangers] especially large grooups with 'mingling' involved, I find myself reliving all the conversations and having a sinking feeling regardless of how I percieve them [negative or positive or 'the mask' doing the talking]. The rest of my day [at least] will be lost to all this mental energy spent disecting what, on the whole was probably just chit-chat and 'making nice' - which was a nightmare to 'act out' in the first place.
Oh, and the 'sinking feeling' ? its more like 'sinking thought' its not a physical response but a mental one - like being chewed out by your own conscience!
I don't mean to criticize, but I found the "noise-cancelling" effect when you stopped talking to be a little off-setting... maybe settings were a little too high. Anyway, great practical video as always. Thank you.
Also love prog metal. That video was great
Omg i just watched the 'metal mornings' i was like oh no 🤣🤣
I was thinking of having a bunch of t-shirts made that say "I have both autism and low vision, so good luck getting my attention". How does that sound?
Hi, I'm 15 and I suspect I have ASD. I don't have many friends and I'd usually rather stay home and read a physics book than do social activities that involve many people, which are very stressful for me. I'm only afraid that when I grow up I'll regret non having fully enjoyed this age. Do you have any advice?
I hope it's OK I answer you? There can be a lot of pressure on adolescence being some great, amazing time in your life but so often it is not that. For everyone, autistic or not, but especially when autistic, it's a really challenging time of life navigating change in identity and social dynamics. It's OK if you are just doing what makes YOU happy and not living up to the expectations of others. What is successful and what is fulfilling depends on the individual and it's OK if it's very different for you than for most other people. 😊
@@linden5165 thank you so much for your answer, it really helped.
I'm 37, so been there done that. If its stressful, and not fun for you, you are not going to regret opting out of an activity. I actually congratulate myself that I didn't do a lot of the awfully stupid teen nonsense that my peers got into. That said, you may find yourself gradually enjoying some social activities, but at a later age than others, a late-late bloomer if you will. I think I got more interested in socializing in my twenties and opened up more during that time. Don't try to make yourself conform to the cultural age standards. Do things at your own pace.
Paul, I know i am off-topic...Is it just you that finds it easier to relate to women (as oppose to men), or is this charateristic of most Aspies?...And if so, would you please elaborate on it at a later time, perhaps as a future topic?...I think your insight could prove to be quite beneficial to NT wives like me who want to better understand their respective Aspie husband...By the way, I already have an idea as to why an Aspie would feel much more comfortable relating to women...Greetings from Southern California ☺
😄 here's one guy that really prefers to be left alone, to blend in; or even better, to find my own quiet corner and work productively right there.
If people would reject the real you, why are you with them?
Masking takes energy, and over time, can lead to depression and suicidal ideation.
Seems, a better solution, is to find/create a more comfortable environment.
Which various disability (and discrimination) advocates and groups have been at for quite some time; change takes time and for certain things/for now one has to "play by the rules" - I have an autistic friend who used to work in retail, so her job relied on her masking.
Also, the fear of rejection can be great due to negative past experiences, but ultimately unfounded (which part of my brain reminds me of), so I still try, or I'd stop trying in most cases - as very few have the gift of calming anxious people intuitively and effectively. That's how it is for me.
We’d love for a better solution,but it’s not a conscious choice. I’m 39 and just going through diagnosis. I’ve only JUST realised I’ve been masking my WHOLE LIFE! I’ve had to tell my husband and son everything. Which now means my brain has unconsciously unmasked lots of things. I just do or say things. Unaware I was different about it before! I’m disabled, extremely ill with many diseases, and have suffered many,toooo many traumas in my life to now find out IM AUTISTIC! My son is 21 and I’ve supported him every day through diagnoses,medication, specialist educational settings and fought for and with him forever yet NEVER looked at myself. But…..now my whole world maukes sense! To me,husband and son! And I never looked at me as females display very differently so only studied/researched males. Masking and therefore socialising is beyond draining. Due to my disabilities I can say I’m going for a rest. LUCKILY! As after over analysing the whole way there,then with others,trying to gauge and read and mask,then going to rest but not getting one as you’re over analysing every detail and word since you arrived,THEN it’s time to start again. I dread any holiday season, which is sad but true. Even though I have to mask and it’s subconsciously….it frequently goes wrong causing stress,anger and tension,so..it has it’s downfalls. But I’m not choosing it. And still waiting official diagnosis. Son has Asperger’s. Drained due to physical disabilities now,sorry if it doesn’t make sense 😬🤞🏻
Also.. they would only reject the ‘us’ that they may see immediately. As what we would say and do initially would probably come across wrong and be read wrong. That does not mean that once people got to know the real us that they would reject us then. I have had difficulties in my marriage as has anybody that I know and my husband said to me earlier this year, that I was not the person that he met. I was distraught and devastated and knew that I was that same person and so could not fathom what on earth he was talking about. We somehow got through that with talking, communicating which whilst it’s difficult, it is possible with time and learning even more about each other. And now that it has come up that I am highly likely autistic of which I’m positive my son is positive and my husband at first was mixed/confused to say the least. He has since then realised, that every problem we have ever had is down to my autism. This is because we all have unbelievable memories and therefore remember very specific details of arguments and disagreements of where things went wrong, and now when he thinks about me and being autistic, he says that the world, and our lives, and everything that I have ever done to make him potentially doubt me certain times….all now makes perfect sense. We have been able to sit there for hours upon hours dissecting every situation being able to explain why I appeared different or seemed different or acted differently or acted differently to the time before with the same people etc. So the point being I’ve been with my husband for 17 years and I have never seen him love me so much now he understands. We were truly happy anyway and I’ve gotten through so many difficult times that we always said we could get through anything, but that does not change the fact that it is now 100% easier. It is like the Sun moon and planets have aligned. So my husband has seen every side of me and now understands why there are different sides and still loves me as me as he always has for the real me. I’m really lucky I found my forever as many don’t! But, I suffered many atrocities first. I wish you all luck 🍀
At this point I have no idea if and when I’m asking I have no idea if and when I’m not masking all I know is that it is extremely confusing trying to figure out other people and trying to figure out what to say and what to do at specific times so I just avoid as much as I can because I’ve looked at it I’ve been looked at it’s very strange unusual and looked at is kind of stupid and I identify more as a sloth than anything
I have aspergers
The thing with you finding it easier to relate to women is kind of interesting: For me as an autistic female person it has always been easier to relate to men ^^.
I wonder how much of my acting and hiding is Aspergers and whether some is more neurotic, because of all the layers of mobbing stress from authority officials not getting me, and Doctors. What shall I do, can't even file a police report or get my stolen money and home back, nor get health- and psychiatric help, am too stress exhausted and paralyzed with fear. It's called dorso-vagal stress response.
Must get out of it, dangerous.Can't even get myself treatment for trauma, they want clients with normal problems and behaviour. The worst thing is not homelessness in itself, but them intimidating, harming me without warning or saying why, keeping me scared as to what they might do to me next or if they might come and take me, traffick my body and person. Found an online therapist who wants to treat me. But he doesn't know Aspergers and i have become sick with some things he did the 2 trial sessions. but the good parts make it hard to turn it down, since I really need help. But I fear it hs gone too far and that i might get harmed and die, or kill myself.
This is a reason why I would love to move to another country... to have a feasible explanation for my weirdness.
At first i thought it would be about this mask-wearing craze 😂😂 I don't know about you but i really hate it to my core and just can't stand this whole bs.. I video on the effects of corona on people with ASD would be really great once 👍
Btw, using abother but self-authentic part of you in a given situation is a brilliant piece of advice! Just made me realise i have started doing this recently and it feels like the final solution to my life-long problem finally!!! Especially in the past few years, trying to fit in and suppressing my own self has caused me unbearable levels of anxiety, which means it is clearly not an eligible strategy for me... nice vid!
What about female autism?
People always seem to know I’m a foreigner even though I’ve been here for almost 10 years lol I guess I stick out like a sore thumb and I’m not autistic. So because I stand out that’s why people are always bugging me lol well I will never blend in ever
Hard not to stand out, if one is outstanding. *giggle*
Guys should be friends with guys. But guys don't sit down and chat, they are generally more functional and problem solving. Thus i'm actually more comfortable finding females as friends. Right now I have 2 guy friends and 2 female friends. I tend to initiate conversation with the two female friends(separately) rather than the guy friends...
I have to one under everything people say or they get passive aggressive.
It's good to compliment the person on their achievement before you go over them, and when you do, do it gently.
Being brutally honest in such situations can be career killers b/c noone likes you anymore. (I can know, it is my life story)
And when talking to a fellow autistic, do the above with even more caution! If you thought an NT & and an aspie getting along was tough, try two aspies together...It can work great, but it can also botch seriously if both are a bit cocky.
I've learned to mask my authentic self when in work situations. It's better that way. I have to bite on my tongue many times a day, otherwise I'd blurt out way more than necessary.
@@paulmichaelfreedman8334 I wish I had autistic friends. Instead I have annoying as f**k ADHD friends.
@@giftedgreen2152 10% of people have ADHD, yeah the thing with ADHD is that if you're not on top of it everyday of the week you get like that. I have ADHD but I'm also autistic officially diagnosed a little bit over a year ago. I theorize that most people who clash with Autistic people are those undiagnosed with ADHD, diagnosed but not owning it, or people who have close relatives or first, second, or third cousins of people with ADHD expressing some traits but not enough to get the full diagnosis.
I hate masking. If I could give an example of something and someone, a woman who works at my local Woolworths admitted to me that she likes Hanson. Now, hell would freeze over before I'd vote One Nation, and after the ignorant rant she gave about us, I was furious! Hanson said nothing about autistic kids being bullied by neurotypical kids, she was all about defending the rights of neurotypical kids. So, she might be wondering why I don't talk to her anymore or if I do, I keep it to a minimum, but, for me it was a case of a clash of core values. I couldn't deal with somebody in a situation whereby they'd say, "What do you think of Hanson?" and I don't know their opinion, and have to say, "Well, what do you think about Hanson?" To me, that's insincere and nonsensical. To give an example of where it became a bit positive, I was sitting near a woman, one day, when I was waiting to see my rheumatologist, and she lived in Dutton's electorate. She didn't mention him, and neither did I, and my belief was, "You're here to see a doctor, not to start a political discussion. She might hate him as much as I do, but she might not, either." So, it was better to leave it.
Like you, I tend to get on better with women than men. I might have told you why before, but as I have no interest in football (I am happy if the Canberra Raiders win, but that's because I like Ricky Stuart and he has an autistic daughter, Emma) I have no common ground, and was always ridiculed as not being a real male. I only have one male doctor I'm comfortable with, and that's my rheumatologist, and part of why I get on with him is we're both from marginalised backgrounds. He's Australian-born to Sicilian immigrant parents and they worked as cane-cutters in Far North Queensland. He has olive skin and dark features, so he stands out, and he also wears flamboyant clothes. I had the misfortune of seeing a doctor with whom I had a serious personality clash, and he blended in because of his red hair and fair skin and had assimilated too well. My rheumatologist, however, could really only integrate. My GP is Chinese and we get along really well.
I remember being REALLY uncomfortable, and this is also why I reject evangelical churches, when a pastor told me I should talk to more guys. I had nothing in common with them!
1. If you are homeless and you meet a cheerleader/normie/veryverysoccermom female or a "jock" Gen X male. In this case, "masking" is not beneficial, obviously, but pretending is. You do this long enough to obtain the money, ride, or bed, and then you can stop with the Gen X male but might have to continue for a while with the cheerleader type, if you are living with her and if she also fully understands eviction-related rulings and statutes for your area.
2. If you have stupidly done this at some prior time in your life, and you also currently work in mid-level management (Drew Carey's level) at a sociopathic company but you want to keep that job anyway.
3. While at court and the judge is also an asshole.
4. Literally never.
The most basic reason why I have so many problems with women.
Men don't expect me to act like them.
I am totally against Masking. I feel whyn should you pretend your someone you`re not! It draining. By saying it benefical is wrong.
Blending in = impossible
MASKING IS NEVER BENEFICIAL ARE U OBTUSE. AND WHY SPREADING TO THIS IMPRESSIONABLE PEOPLE THAT IT IS OKAY TO MASK
I am not an attention seeker but an attention getter.