Not-so-binary identity; "coming out" more

[@erikh8645]

I've been watching your videos since I first started questioning my own gender. I didn't start questioning until my early 30s, I'm an academic, and a bit of an over-thinker so I could relate to a lot of your experiences. I've recently embraced my identity as a trans man, and realized that doesn't mean I have to let go of all my life experience and knowledge up to now. I feel more comfortable being seen as masculine and using male pronouns, but there's definitely a non-binary aspect to me as well. Thanks for putting a lot of what's been bouncing around my head into words!

[@Greyedable]

I've been watching your videos since before you transitioned. It makes absolute sense to me that you would land in this place. It would also make sense to me that you might feel differently in a couple or few years. You seem to be extremely self-aware, and as humans who are self-aware tend to do, you recognize your needs and tend to them. I don't know if you've ever read Deleuze and Guattari, but I understand human identity to be rhizomatic rather than linear, or arboreal. At least, it can be, if we allow it. At any rate, I don't know you, but I am proud of you for speaking your truth, regardless of the 'thumbs down.'

[@stephanieparrish9059]

I relate in different way. I grew up in one country and now live in a different country. I don't have an accent and could pass as a native, but I make sure to mention that were I'm from - my 19 years before living here are a HUGE part of my identity and experience.

[@TheSLOfox]

I like that connection!

[@crowolfe290]

Thank you for sharing this with us. I am feeling very similarly as my transition progresses. I tend to find that people who begin this journey when over the age of 30, generally speaking of course, seem to feel a similar way. I began at age 39 and 3 years later, I just can't feel comfortable keeping my experiences as a woman in the world quiet from those closest to me, and even some in my acquaintance circle. Especially in the current political client. There are many ways to be trans* as I am learning, and it is really nice to hear another person with a similar feeling in this world. Thanks again.

[@DangerDonut]

"If people are at all close to me (like as friends or even coworkers), I want them to know I'm trans. If they don't know that, they don't know me, and I want to be known for who I really am." Wow, I love this. I have considered going stealth when I can, but I don't feel like I could give my full self to people if I do that. It sounds like physically and socially you are male-aligned, but politically and experientially (like you said in your last video) you are woman-aligned due to transitioning later in life. I have often considered identifying as nonbinary for this very reason, but because the physical and social aspects are more important to me personally than my past experiences, I identify as male.. I guess. I like what you said about not wanting to be confined to an overly simplistic label, so maybe I will change that. I feel like we've had lots of similar thoughts on this issue.
It's very important for me to not be grouped in with cis men when I'm in queer spaces, but I would like to be treated as 100% male. Male is male, cis or trans. Furthermore, I'm a man, but I have had what I would call a "genderqueer experience", but it's so tricky to put a label on this particular phenomenon. I'm not sure if the majority of other trans men feel this way and I'm misusing the nonbinary label, or if the majority of trans men identify the same as a cis man would (eg politically and experientially male-aligned whether due to early transition, personal preference, or simply knowing they were a boy their whole lives) and I SHOULD be using the nonbinary label to express my identity. Of course, labels are not mandatory, but it has always been very important to me to be able to define myself. It helps my understanding of myself and it helps me grow.
This was a bit of a ramble but I hope I made some sense. Great video.

[@SikanderG]

Your experience is as a trans man, not a cis man. Just 'man' doesn't cover it because it doesn't distinguish between trans and cis men. Some trans men identify as trans men but not men (sounds contradictory but it may not be). In your case it seem you do identify as a man, but the type of manhood you have is trans manhood and you want that acknowledged, which is cool.

[@sierraroseprzybyla3333]

Hi! I found your channel!
...wow! This is so deeply personal and real; it's so brave to put this all out...and so important for others to be able to relate to this kind of honesty. *high fives*

[@TheSLOfox]

Hello! Thank you, Sierra! I appreciate that. :)

[@ajmaverick4903]

Reassuring thumbs up on the "politically a woman" video! That was a very important/valid point of view/experience/sharing of thoughts! Thumbs up and thanxs for that!

[@EarlCornbread]

Thanks for another great video! I came out to one of my classes last year. It was pretty obvious that I'm transitioning and so I took them to my studio and talked about my work - which is about me & I'm trans so ... it went REALLY well. It brought us closer. The rest of the semester was better than the beginning part. Now, as I'm looking more masculine every day, it's not as obvious and I know it will be harder to come out. I agree it's important and I'll do it as long as I feel even a little bit safe. I think it's important especially now. I feel you. So glad your voice is here on TH-cam. I appreciate the connection!

[@andrewchester7675]

Glad to see you're making videos again! I always love your videos because I feel like my thoughts and feelings regarding my trans identity are so similar to yours. Hearing your thoughts/feelings/experiences and seeing your transition really helped me decide to transition because for awhile I felt so different than a lot of trans guys, but at the same time I wanted what they had too. Now I'm three months on T and so much happier, so thank you! I agree with feeling and wanting to be seen as a transman with female experience. Also with the visibility. Ever since the day I came out and made it public that I was trans and starting transition, I have really been putting myself out there. I want to be seen and visible as a trans person to spread awareness and normalize it. A lot of people have neutral or negative feelings towards the trans community because they don't know us. I also wish I had known someone like me when I was younger or anytime that I could talk to about it and connect with. And since coming out I have had a couple people private message me about their own identity struggles, and knowing I'm helping or giving someone a safe space to come talk about it with makes me feel amazing.

[@taylorbarrack8059]

Thank you so much for this. Over the past few months I have formed these same feelings and it feels really great to hear someone express them so eloquently.

[@TheSLOfox]

Cool! Thanks. I'm glad you can relate.

[@Speakingyeah]

So interesting Allen, when I hear you talking it's like you're reading my mind. I totally feel you, I have a similar experience to what you say about identifying as a transgender man. Sometimes when I talk to people about this, they say things in the line of: 'but at a given moment, you'll just be a man, right?' but similar to you, I feel it is too simplistic to just state that I'm a man, although it will mostly be the first thing people will perceive me as. I very much agree with it being powerful to be out, I experience that it definitely does matter, also to have people think of gender in more broader terms than the binary.

[@maxtaylor2395]

Yo I feel the same way as you. If I do go on testosterone it wouldn't be because I am a man but more so because I would feel more free and like myself in a masculine body. I worry about the same thing you do when it comes to how people would read me, so I would honestly do the same thing and be super vocal and candid and hope that that makes people feel safer around me. This was an awesome video and I don't think people talk about this much but gender is so fluid and finding yourself is difficult and it's nice to know that someone feels the same as me. Thank you.

[@Ollielover11]

This video described exactly how I feel as well. It is for the reasons that you described here that I have delayed transitioning, so I'm glad to hear that you share my experience on the other side of transition. Thanks for the video!

[@TheSLOfox]

Glad to hear that you can relate. Best wishes!

[@metallicleoraa]

As far as society goes it's often when people are happy in themselves that they can feel happy for others and want what is best for them.

[@originalgabbo]

you're amazing

[@andrewkiwi1]

Being trans is complex isn't it.

[@TheSLOfox]

yes, it definitely is complex!

[@amfaib]

May we get the link to the letter to the editor?

[@guiseofyouth]

This is very relatable.
DId you work at a different university before and during the early stages of your transition? Or are these colleagues people who were hired later?

[@TheSLOfox]

Thanks! Yeah, I was working at different colleges when I began transition. Then I moved back to my hometown, so my current colleagues didn't know me before my transition.

[@my.life.journey13]

Helped me a lot! Thank you! :)

[@TheSLOfox]

cool! I'm glad.

[@desireew4613]

I’m going to try to keep a positive attitude in spite of the presidential election results. I’m so glad we got a new governor, Gov. Roy Cooper, here in North Carolina. Hopefully, we can get the HB2 bathroom bill repealed ( the one our ex-gov. Pat McCrory signed). As far as gender identity goes, I still refer to myself as a gender non-conforming woman. I’ve dealt with gender policing most of my life. I preferred hanging out with men and masculine women throughout the years. My thought processes are often like that of a man’s. Even now, I don’t feel like I relate to most women except on a physical level and having certain emotions.

[@mayaanderson01]

Watching this video was so refreshing! Thanks for sharing your ideas with us. I think about these topics a lot. Gender identity is hard to understand for me, with sex and gender all intertwined in my head. Personally I love women and what they stand for in US culture (generally more emphathetic and liberal). I've identified as a woman for so long, though I felt that I should physically be male. It's hard for me to find the right cultural identity for myself as a transguy since even though I want to be physically male, I feel like my history and "culture" is so female that "he" pronouns and male names feel wrong (just as a woman's name does for other reasons). I want to be a "woman" with a completely male body...not sure what that would be like, but I'm trying to figure it out. "They" pronouns and non binary doesn't seem right either since I am a man. Just not culturally. Stupid US culture!

[@TheSLOfox]

I get it. Sometimes I feel similarly. Just know that you can be whatever type of person you want; you can define "man" and live as a man however you see fit. But yeah, I agree it's hard to find the right cultural identity, as you say.

[@bitterlemon3526]

My reflexion is that identity is sa complex, multilayer problem and things which we belive for 100% can change completely in few years when we started to realize things we haven't noticed earlier. In my opinion trans identity is never the same identity as biological man- different body, different past, different socialization.

[@Lglory]

You sir are gorgeous. Second of all, I think you should be proud to be a trans man who doesn't discount his pre-transition experiences and beliefs. Society could use more cis/trans men who care about women's issues.

[@TheSLOfox]

thank you! I appreciate that.

[@apollicino1705]

Yeah, I definitely felt more of an urge to be openly pro-BLM with the current climate. Also, the more I hear my binary trans friends talk about feeling unsafe to be loud and proud about their identity, the more I want to be open and visible myself. I'm nonbinary and will literally never be read properly, so I have no desire to keep my trans identity quiet. I know for others this is not as simple or safe. So for them, I tend to push visibility and share their experiences when I can.

[@SourPatches2077]

I am right with you on this. Feel the same way especially after the election. I think I'm going to take your idea about the buttons and shirts. I identify as a transsexual man because i feel like that best described my situation. I mostly use this title with doctors or other situations where i need to be out.

[@CarbonUnitX]

Thanks for this important video! I don't even know you and I'm so proud of you :) I can relate to a lot of this. I strongly identify as a "trans guy" rather than a "guy". While I know cis guys who aren't all that different from me and aren't stereotypically masculine, I still feel I have a different perspective to the world than a cis man, having lived as a "woman" for so long (I'm just starting transitioning and not a spring chicken...)
It's still hard to think of myself as a "real man " (even if I have more balls than many guys, heh) because I look too feminine which is awful but I'm not non binary either because I hate everything feminine about my body and am not comfortable not fitting anywhere, despite generally disliking confining boxes. I want to be able to call myself something and a dude with a dude's name is what feels most comfortable. I'm just not your average dude. Too early to say whether I'd wanna go stealth or be open once I pass but I'm certainty out now. If the world ends that's too bad... I only live once.

[@walls116]

I thought I was the only one fearing that people might assume I voted for trump! I've found myself coming out to everyone right away, and talking non-stop about feminism so people feel more comfortable around me. Interesting that being a feminist is now comforting to strangers because at least they know for a fact that I didnt vote for that person!

[@Tonestire]

6:57 onward - what do you mean by having a body that has certain possibilities for being intimate that a "fully male" body doesn't?

[@jennyheinrich7928]

you really look great allan you do so always be proud of you you are ok if people cant expect you then its there problem ok i never judge anyone i coudnt do that i love everyone so you look so cute and great ok you do hugs to

[@RiverofSouls]

good video!! :) i totally get what u r saying :)

[@DoctorLeMeow]

nice

[@carollink]

I just couldn't identify more with. Allan, let me ask u something, did u also have fear of getting a male name in the beginning? I mean, when u were pre T and some friends started to treat u as a male, did it also sound wrong to u? Because to me it's ackward, don't know how to put it but it's just uncomfortable to me, I'm pre-T and after having watched most of ur videos I can imagine this is also connect with this thing of "Male" that sounds so strange, rude and brutish. It feels like I'm gonna lose my identity by changing my name, it sounds crazy I know, but it's scared me so badly.

[@TheSLOfox]

Yeah, I did feel uncomfortable trying out a male name and pronouns, for a long time. It didn't feel like it fit. But eventually, certain experiences got me to the point where it felt fitting, actually. Being "MALE" sounded weird and foreign and not very desirable, because I was looking at it as something outside myself, something based on stereotypes or my view of other men with whom I had nothing in common. Now that I know what it feels like for ME to be/feel male, it feels much more fitting than I ever thought it would. It's MY version of maleness. It's just ME. :) I also experienced a lot of fear around transition. So, don't do it if you don't feel inclined. It's OK if it takes time to sort things out. For me, though, the fear never went away 100 percent; at some point I just had to take the plunge, having realized that I'd more likely be a little more happy on T than without it, even though I knew it wouldn't magically make me happy all the time. Do you think you'd feel a little better in your body on T than you do now? (You don't have to feel 100 percent enthusiastic about ALL the T changes in order to be trans or go on T and have it be the right thing.) Many aspects of maleness, like more body hair, for example, feel much more right to me now, experiencing them "from within," (in my own body) than I ever would have expected they would, based on looking at guys and trying to imagine how it would feel to have their body (which I did a lot of pre-T). Well, I hope that's some food for thought!

[@carollink]

TheSLOfox wow that's exactly what I think, I really identify with you, I've now realized that I am not trans because I've always liked to play with "toys for boys" or whatever because I know it does not define our identity (I had good childhood and teenagehood... neither rebeled nor tried to suicide, just like u said on the video, had a normal life, maybe because I was not aware of many things back then, not connected with MY intuition). So now, after reflecting upon all the things u said and my experiences, I have no doubts this is what I want for me. I'm a trans because I noticed that my maleness goes beyond clothes, hair cut, or whatever, it's about envying other men (cis and trans), it's about looking at my photos and getting disappointed when I realize how tinny and delicate I am, although to my mind I'm so masculine, it's about avoiding speaking in public because my voice doesn't fit me. So, the thing is: none of these issues will be solved naturally, which makes me sure that going on T will somehow help me live better. Alan, I'm also a teacher, I'd be glad to know how you managed to work on it after u decided to go on T, I though that maybe I should talk to all my groups, dunno what to do because some people don't even know what transexuality is. I live in Brazil, and this subject has been introduced and made public recently, but most of my students are very kind people so they may understand me.
Thanks in advance Alan!!

[@TheSLOfox]

That's great that you are gaining more clarity! I think I made a video or two about being a trans teacher, a couple or a few years ago. My situation wasn't too hard, though, because I never had to tell any students. As a college professor, I usually have all new students every few months, so I didn't really have any students who saw my transition. In the spring I was a female teacher, and after I went through the first few months of transition, in the fall I was a male teacher, with all new students who hadn't met me before. So it would be more complicated for teachers who see the same students or families over a long period of time. Since I haven't experienced that, I don't have much advice for you, unfortunately.