I have come to accept that as people learn that I am trans/intersex I also must be educator. But it can be exhausting. In my own journey I’ve learned that I become frustrated with questions along the lines of “have you completely transitioned” or “how long before you completely transition”. Such questions are assuming a linear progression of transition with definitive milestones including various surgeries. It often seems to imply that if all steps are not completed, then I am not completely a man. Perhaps I’m just overly sensitive to the topic, but those are the questions and statements that get to me.
It’s so lovely to see you again and to hear you’re doing well. ❤️ I started watching you before I started transitioning and you helped me SO MUCH. So, I just wanted to say thank you. Coming up on my sixth year of T soon and it’s crazy how time flies. I get the “you don’t look trans” a lot, mostly like you said, it’s meant as a compliment... but it’s always so awkward!!
Thank you very much for your videos. You have started a little earlier than me and I found your videos always very helpful. In regards to the backhanded compliment: I would replace "offensive" with "harmful". I am rarely offended by these things (and you probably aren't either), but it does harm to think like that and spread this way of thinking about us.
Hey :) (insert name as I don’t know how to spell yours). I really like your video. It’s nice to see folks past their teens/early twenties sharing their experience as it’s so much more relatable for me. One of the things I’d dislike about the comment „looking like a man“ is them implying that in their view you’re not a man, while you are a man no matter if you’re „passing“ as cis or not. Hopefully we’ll see more of you again ♥️
Yes! I don’t think many people have the ability to explain how much it’s on your mind before transition - and how obsessed you become with it - and how your every waking thought is questioning everything and analysing every movement and word you say. And that’s part of how it starts to impact on your own (and other people’s) lives - my wife gets furious about the amount of time I spend listening to trans youtubers. But I literally am desperate for an answer and am searching obsessively for it in other people’s stories and experiences and trying to work out if THAT would solve the underlying feelings of feeling weird and not fitting in - especially in places where people say you should fit in - like lesbian spaces.
Thanks for continuing to make videos. I remember watching your back in 2012 when I was taking Gender Studies courses and it's been cool to follow your journey.
Good to hear from you! You make a lot of good points and these two are really big ones as far as common comments go. On the subject of the second phrase, it's the same as renovating your home or putting an addition on to it. Somebody who likes your home or sees your decision to change as "unnecessary", e.g. "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" functional mentality, they're going to see your changes to be a waste of energy or a waste of a good wall or backyard or roof. You as the homeowner feel it is your right to change the color of your paint, the structure of the property, and whether you put a freaking addition or an extra storey on your house, as a benefit because you either just felt like it, or it suits you. Your decision is making the best of your house in the way that suits you, functionality be damned, whether or not it preserves what's good about your house in other people's opinion is not the point. The point is that you as the homeowner see this change as necessary, good, and justifiable. The other person doesn't have to understand, but they should at least understand and or respect human autonomy. It sounds like a long winded answer for "my body, my choices", but I hope this analogy illustrates both mindsets about people who make these comments. It seems well meaning but in a very clinical way of preserving naturalness over the sentiments of the person. If anything, pushing back against this preservation can drive home the intenseness of your desire, but not everyone has the desire to pursue surgery and so combating such a sentiment can be challenging for people who transitioned a certain way but can't agree with the harmful comment's (un)said assumptions. Yes, they did decide not to pursue surgery, and it may align IN A WAY with the sentiments of the harmful comment, but the opposite reasoning doesn't stand to logic either. The person making the harmful comment doesn't realize that the person who is transitioning is making a choice that is best for them but not because they care about the practicality of preserving their natural state for other people or for the sake of moderation. At least I hope not socially: not getting a hysterectomy in order to have a child or having a medical condition that prevents you from having surgery are circumstances that technically follow under this category. You are doing it for someone else or for moderation, but hopefully the person transitioning is doing it mainly for themselves and their well-being. OTHERWISE, YOU'RE KEEPING WHAT YOU GOT BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. So someone saying this harmful comment doesn't seem to get how doing things for one's well being doesn't have to be practical, it can just be to get a better experience of life. Anyway, what a great subject and it really brings up plenty of points of discussion. I totally agree that these are harmful things to say and are not helpful at all. I hope as a society we can get past this point and have better things to say LOL
I have watched your videos since 2009, and I miss the higher energy in your earlier videos. You are such a positive and warm person but you seem to have a lot of heaviness now. Continue being comfortable in your skin and worrying about others perceptions and everything will work out
I've been thinking about the "Things NOT to say to trans people" videos and how I wish we would see more "Things you CAN ask trans people" instead. I've noticed the majority of people around me are walking on eggshells and afraid to ask me questions about my transition and about my experience. It's felt really isolating and saddens me because it's such a huge part of my life. It comes across as people not caring, but really they just seem hesitant or scared to say the wrong thing and offend me. I wonder if videos with a more positive reinforcement style in having respectful dialogue. For me personally, I'd rather people ask the wrong questions than just avoid talking to me altogether. And I can use those "wrong" questions as teaching moments. Anyways, just some thoughts swirling about.
I've been trans for 4 years now and I wouldn't mind at all if someone complimented me saying "wow you look 100% male, I can't even tell you used to be a girl". So I think its just different for everyone. Each person is just individual in their feelings and preferences. I dont go around telling people I'm trans but if they've became a good friend, I end up telling them.
Hey Allen, do you know where Forrest went or how hes doing? I remember yall were friends and he introduced me to your channel a few years ago, I also remember watching his top surgery and you were there to assist him which is so sweet. Do you still hang around together? I think the video was called "Interview: Waiting 8 years to start T" That was a loooooooooong time ago, can't believe I followed both of yall for that long!
Definitely understand both those things. Sometimes people definitely don’t think before they speak. And yeah “you don’t look trans” is not nice to say. Because your saying people that don’t pass aren’t the gender they wanna be. People should definitely educate themselves more. It’s something I get tired of doing as a trans individual.
Hey! I am so glad to see that you are posting again. I have been going through all your earlier videos and seeing the progression of your thoughts has really helped. This comment is unrelated to this video, but I was curious if you still fell any resonance with the word "butch" (th-cam.com/video/c0XZKbVvrK4/w-d-xo.html)? I am asking because i am a transmasc person but I am wondering if the connection I feel to the word butch matches with someoen else.
I guess I disagree with your saying a compliment is negative. I think it is affirming of your decision and you are reading into it in my opinion. There is nothing wrong with looking gender affirming. Most transmen from my experience transition well. Perhaps I am from a different school of thought but my comments are what they are. I taught Safe Zone training at my college employment and I always told people never to ask for surgeries. It is deeply personal. But in this time when girls are fast tracking to be trans some have a problem with the look and I think it is because of their body development. I bet if you ask 100 transmen do they want to look like a man probably 90% would agree. I don’t see anything wrong with that and in my opinion your remarks are coming from a defensive position which is understandable since those of us who are not trans (I dislike the word cisgender I think it is an insulting word and segregates us into a box) don’t have that issue. We aren’t privy to the complex world of being trans.I think embracing us non trans people is something that would benefit transgender people. I find your comment off putting and these types of comments about the compliment fit into that separation. It is a phenomenon being seeing with the trans community . It is too bad because it will further alienate people like me.
I think your thinking too much into that comment...I don't see a problem .. not offensive to me at all sooooo if people see me as a man great because that who I am although I'm ftm ... I live a carry as a man n love it....
I dunno, the amount of time and money I've spent, I'd want the complements. All of the good vibes. I did the work. I want to feel good. Same way I'd give a cis person a complement on how good they look when you know they put in the time and effort. I mean you look like a slob and don't get complements, what do you expect? You put in 0 effort into your life, but want validation for that. No thanks.
I have come to accept that as people learn that I am trans/intersex I also must be educator. But it can be exhausting. In my own journey I’ve learned that I become frustrated with questions along the lines of “have you completely transitioned” or “how long before you completely transition”. Such questions are assuming a linear progression of transition with definitive milestones including various surgeries. It often seems to imply that if all steps are not completed, then I am not completely a man. Perhaps I’m just overly sensitive to the topic, but those are the questions and statements that get to me.
It’s so lovely to see you again and to hear you’re doing well. ❤️ I started watching you before I started transitioning and you helped me SO MUCH. So, I just wanted to say thank you. Coming up on my sixth year of T soon and it’s crazy how time flies.
I get the “you don’t look trans” a lot, mostly like you said, it’s meant as a compliment... but it’s always so awkward!!
Thank you very much for your videos. You have started a little earlier than me and I found your videos always very helpful.
In regards to the backhanded compliment: I would replace "offensive" with "harmful". I am rarely offended by these things (and you probably aren't either), but it does harm to think like that and spread this way of thinking about us.
These kinds of comments are so frustrating to hear, thank you for speaking up about these things Alan
Hey :) (insert name as I don’t know how to spell yours).
I really like your video. It’s nice to see folks past their teens/early twenties sharing their experience as it’s so much more relatable for me.
One of the things I’d dislike about the comment „looking like a man“ is them implying that in their view you’re not a man, while you are a man no matter if you’re „passing“ as cis or not.
Hopefully we’ll see more of you again ♥️
Yes! I don’t think many people have the ability to explain how much it’s on your mind before transition - and how obsessed you become with it - and how your every waking thought is questioning everything and analysing every movement and word you say. And that’s part of how it starts to impact on your own (and other people’s) lives - my wife gets furious about the amount of time I spend listening to trans youtubers. But I literally am desperate for an answer and am searching obsessively for it in other people’s stories and experiences and trying to work out if THAT would solve the underlying feelings of feeling weird and not fitting in - especially in places where people say you should fit in - like lesbian spaces.
Thanks for continuing to make videos. I remember watching your back in 2012 when I was taking Gender Studies courses and it's been cool to follow your journey.
I am here for your voice, so calming, you look like a typical Irish man .❤👍🇮🇪
Good to hear from you! You make a lot of good points and these two are really big ones as far as common comments go.
On the subject of the second phrase, it's the same as renovating your home or putting an addition on to it. Somebody who likes your home or sees your decision to change as "unnecessary", e.g. "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" functional mentality, they're going to see your changes to be a waste of energy or a waste of a good wall or backyard or roof.
You as the homeowner feel it is your right to change the color of your paint, the structure of the property, and whether you put a freaking addition or an extra storey on your house, as a benefit because you either just felt like it, or it suits you. Your decision is making the best of your house in the way that suits you, functionality be damned, whether or not it preserves what's good about your house in other people's opinion is not the point. The point is that you as the homeowner see this change as necessary, good, and justifiable. The other person doesn't have to understand, but they should at least understand and or respect human autonomy.
It sounds like a long winded answer for "my body, my choices", but I hope this analogy illustrates both mindsets about people who make these comments. It seems well meaning but in a very clinical way of preserving naturalness over the sentiments of the person. If anything, pushing back against this preservation can drive home the intenseness of your desire, but not everyone has the desire to pursue surgery and so combating such a sentiment can be challenging for people who transitioned a certain way but can't agree with the harmful comment's (un)said assumptions. Yes, they did decide not to pursue surgery, and it may align IN A WAY with the sentiments of the harmful comment, but the opposite reasoning doesn't stand to logic either. The person making the harmful comment doesn't realize that the person who is transitioning is making a choice that is best for them but not because they care about the practicality of preserving their natural state for other people or for the sake of moderation. At least I hope not socially: not getting a hysterectomy in order to have a child or having a medical condition that prevents you from having surgery are circumstances that technically follow under this category. You are doing it for someone else or for moderation, but hopefully the person transitioning is doing it mainly for themselves and their well-being. OTHERWISE, YOU'RE KEEPING WHAT YOU GOT BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.
So someone saying this harmful comment doesn't seem to get how doing things for one's well being doesn't have to be practical, it can just be to get a better experience of life.
Anyway, what a great subject and it really brings up plenty of points of discussion. I totally agree that these are harmful things to say and are not helpful at all. I hope as a society we can get past this point and have better things to say LOL
I have watched your videos since 2009, and I miss the higher energy in your earlier videos. You are such a positive and warm person but you seem to have a lot of heaviness now. Continue being comfortable in your skin and worrying about others perceptions and everything will work out
Just went back over your previous videos to check my comments, and thank goodness it wasn't me. :P
Just got to say this house (or this small backdrop at least) looks like it suits your personality so much. Looks really nice!
I've been thinking about the "Things NOT to say to trans people" videos and how I wish we would see more "Things you CAN ask trans people" instead. I've noticed the majority of people around me are walking on eggshells and afraid to ask me questions about my transition and about my experience. It's felt really isolating and saddens me because it's such a huge part of my life. It comes across as people not caring, but really they just seem hesitant or scared to say the wrong thing and offend me. I wonder if videos with a more positive reinforcement style in having respectful dialogue. For me personally, I'd rather people ask the wrong questions than just avoid talking to me altogether. And I can use those "wrong" questions as teaching moments. Anyways, just some thoughts swirling about.
I find this a very good idea (things you CAN ask or even HOW to ask). I would totally appreciate it. 😊
hmm, that's a good idea! I will think about that.
Ditto!
I've been trans for 4 years now and I wouldn't mind at all if someone complimented me saying "wow you look 100% male, I can't even tell you used to be a girl". So I think its just different for everyone. Each person is just individual in their feelings and preferences. I dont go around telling people I'm trans but if they've became a good friend, I end up telling them.
I agree it's a compliment.
thanks for sharing that. It's true that people have different preferences!
Hey Allen, do you know where Forrest went or how hes doing? I remember yall were friends and he introduced me to your channel a few years ago, I also remember watching his top surgery and you were there to assist him which is so sweet. Do you still hang around together?
I think the video was called "Interview: Waiting 8 years to start T"
That was a loooooooooong time ago, can't believe I followed both of yall for that long!
Same!
Definitely understand both those things. Sometimes people definitely don’t think before they speak. And yeah “you don’t look trans” is not nice to say. Because your saying people that don’t pass aren’t the gender they wanna be. People should definitely educate themselves more. It’s something I get tired of doing as a trans individual.
Nice to see you!
Really good points!
Very well put. Great vidio.
I'm a transwoman and I think you're really really cute
Hey! I am so glad to see that you are posting again. I have been going through all your earlier videos and seeing the progression of your thoughts has really helped.
This comment is unrelated to this video, but I was curious if you still fell any resonance with the word "butch" (th-cam.com/video/c0XZKbVvrK4/w-d-xo.html)?
I am asking because i am a transmasc person but I am wondering if the connection I feel to the word butch matches with someoen else.
It is
I guess I disagree with your saying a compliment is negative. I think it is affirming of your decision and you are reading into it in my opinion. There is nothing wrong with looking gender affirming. Most transmen from my experience transition well. Perhaps I am from a different school of thought but my comments are what they are. I taught Safe Zone training at my college employment and I always told people never to ask for surgeries. It is deeply personal. But in this time when girls are fast tracking to be trans some have a problem with the look and I think it is because of their body development. I bet if you ask 100 transmen do they want to look like a man probably 90% would agree. I don’t see anything wrong with that and in my opinion your remarks are coming from a defensive position which is understandable since those of us who are not trans (I dislike the word cisgender I think it is an insulting word and segregates us into a box) don’t have that issue. We aren’t privy to the complex world of being trans.I think embracing us non trans people is something that would benefit transgender people. I find your comment off putting and these types of comments about the compliment fit into that separation. It is a phenomenon being seeing with the trans community . It is too bad because it will further alienate people like me.
👍
Pretty Buddhist flags in the background.
👍
He's cute.
I think your thinking too much into that comment...I don't see a problem .. not offensive to me at all sooooo if people see me as a man great because that who I am although I'm ftm ... I live a carry as a man n love it....
I dunno, the amount of time and money I've spent, I'd want the complements. All of the good vibes. I did the work. I want to feel good. Same way I'd give a cis person a complement on how good they look when you know they put in the time and effort. I mean you look like a slob and don't get complements, what do you expect? You put in 0 effort into your life, but want validation for that. No thanks.
You don't look trans. 😂 but true.