You Can't Help Someone Who Doesn't Want To Change
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 ก.พ. 2024
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dr k dropping facts as usual
Yes!!🎉🎉
Troggies!! HAHAHAH
Straight up!
Not really.
Some people aren't changing because they are deeply depressed
@@penderyn8794Keyword some, and he said sometimes.
Some people really don't understand this until they have a person like this in their life too. I tried explaining this to another person but they didn't believe me. I didn't say this out loud but all I could think was, "Then you're lucky. To not know someone that you want to help so badly but you can't. To not know someone for whom you've tried everything for, to no avail."
Fuck, man. Too relatable.
The truth hurts. I wish I was one of them who didn't understand. It feels so bad to be in that position
It's not for you to change them. Everyone can do this for themselves. But no one has to 😊❤
@@joyfool1225 there is obviously not anyone you care deeply about who is in a bad place and is oblivious to the need to change or afraid to try. The anguish at the lost potential and suffering of someone you love and not being able to help them is difficult to bear.
I felt this badly. There is someone I knew, who no matter what I tried, they didn't give a thing. No matter how many times they agreed, it didn't matter. In the end, they didn't change at all.
Then I met someone who was in a bad situation in their life and they realized they had something going wrong in their lives. That's when I managed to help someone change and it felt really good, healthy and fulfilling. Now we have an everlasting friendship :D.
Most ppl only start to change when staying the same hurts more than going through the change
True, I only wanted to change when the "comfort zone" became uncomfortable.
@@Ryosuke1208 As someone with social anxiety I can relate. Sooner or later the sht you try to avoid is knocking at your door
@@Ryosuke1208 I feel atacked
Been hurting my entire life, unlimited pain
@@randomdude0fficialI’ve been running from my problems all my life, and it’s manifested in my life as anxiety, I think the best thing you can do to combat this is staying ahead of your problems
Feels like every time I got told "you're not living up to your potential/you're justnbeing lazy/just try harder" only to find out the entire time it's been an environment issue and I'm already doing above and beyond just to survive in it.
I feel that. I used to put in way too much effort only to find out that people in my life were actively working against me
I've been in a relationship where my partner at the time refused to change. Everything was always someone else's fault, and when I point out something I'm concerned about, the blame was shifted towards me. It was incredibly toxic and unhealthy, and I didn't realize it was for so long.
Then, a recent relationship was the opposite. My partner then was incredibly kind, caring, and wanting to figure out the next steps. There were some overwhelming moments, but the want to change was still there. Steps were made.
Seeing that really has changed my view on what to look for when it comes to relationships. It's the core of a healthy one, and if the mutual feelings are there between partners, it can go a long way.
Having been with my husband for almost 10 years now and going through hell and back together - openness and willingness to adapt and change, to empathy and feel, to see other perspectives, to entertain another idea even if you disagree, to just keep a vow to always be there even when it’s hard. To admit when you’re wrong and how you can improve. These are all vital. On top of it, I recommend dating for lifestyle and values over most everything else. Even if you love someone if you live different lifestyles and have different values, it’s not going to work out well.
Yes!!! & congrats!!🎉🎉🎉
Looks like you were in a relationship with a narcissist. Must be so relieving to be out of it.
I'm often seen as the person that doesn't want to change but I do want to. And have been, just slowly!
Same here. Keep up the good work. 😄
Often it's not that one don't want to change, but one is afraid of change. Some brave one will still try to change despite the fear, do it more slowly and carefully. The skilled one will be able to find that fear and address that first, then change become easy.
Then that means those friends are thinking, "good for you, but you aren't worth my time helping you move centimeters for free." And they're not wrong for thinking that
@@BittzenHuh, no friends I have are generally this petty or transactional. Can you be more specific?
@@BittzenOh goodness my friends aren't like that at all, yikes!
No my friends have gave me more than plenty of help and chances, there is just simply a point where help doesn't do anything anymore, you can't completely change someone through help, they have to help themselves and that is what I have been doing.
They didn't refuse to help me like you said they would, I cut myself off of them to not be so dependent on them and to focus on myself and it has worked 😁
I think metacognition plays a huge role in wanting to change. Without the ability to see yourself with some objectivity, you can't even know that change is possible, let alone create strategies to rewire your brain.
For me it was more intuitive and trusting myself. But in any case it’s living life intentionally.
Sometimes it’s fear of change, or feeling unworthy of changing for the better. I am in the latter camp, and making slow steady progress out of it.
Exactly. It isn't always obliviousness to the need for change or resistance expressed passively aggressively (i didnt really try anything or I took a brief half hearted single action, and now i convinced myself i made a sincere effort and now i will just tell people I tried and it doesn't work for me) or by rationalization to any suggestions (i tried that already. Those suggestions don't work for me. My trauma and damage are too severe to be repaired. I can't because of yada yasa. Yes I know, but yadda yadda). Lack of effort can happen even if one recognizes the need for change and isnt resistant or unwilling in the traditional sense, but fears failure too much to try.
"The quickest way for someone to lose their freedom is when they try to control someone else." - Dr.K
It's difficult to witness a loved one setting themselves on fire, but often, awareness comes with a cost. It's challenging to effect change without a compelling reason, yet with the appropriate level of awareness, the desire to change ceases to be an obstacle.
"It is better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one, then have an opportunity and not be prepared". Absolutely true though. Intrinsically it is important for the person to change.
For anyone needing it, learn Motivational Interviewing. This is an intervention that can be used in multiple professions and it assesses a person's motivations for changing and also gives you insight to whether they are ready or not.
And finally, if they are not ready then of course letting them know that they can come back or have a plan if they ever want to try again.
Good stuff 👍
My life started changing when I both understood and accepted there was something that I could do about where it was going.
I'm feeling sad today, that's okay, if I'm still feeling sad an year from now it is my fault.
You could feel sad at any moment, and that's also okay. No telling what might happen, and sometimes the feeling is normal and healthy to have. You could also be dealing with a chronic issue. I've personally been focusing on frequency. More and more, I've been feeling good and automatically speaking and thinking well of myself. Those negative thoughts are fewer and farther between. But yeah it's been several years and things still aren't perfect. I think part of life is accepting that it can always be improved.
@@RP-uu7oq I mean, specifically in my case, I felt sad for 5 years, but I couldn't count on my family.
Thankfully I was "forced" to join therapy in my last year of highschool because the Teachers realised there was something wrong with my behaviour. I was way too fond of the idea of dying.
I do appreciate the moments I feel sad now, but that's because it isn't my everyday life anymore.
@@davidaugustofc2574 Definitely helps to remove the negative pressures and influences from your life. I had to do the same. It's a lot of hard work! I'm so glad you achieved it!
@@davidaugustofc2574 i’m glad you see the good and bad in all emotions, it’s a telling of a more mature person. I’m very happy to hear you’re in a better place now, I hope you only continue that.
He gets this wrong and sometimes after trauma you will not be ok for years but the right people will support you and not leave!
My Sister finally got some help, but she didn't want to change. She just wanted someone to tell her she was right.
Oh boy do I feel you, dude. PLEASE tell me the therapist saw through her!? My family member kept switching around therapists till they found one to be their yes-man.
Exactly!!, The person who doesn't We leave & find a partnership of mutual support for change. 😊
Learned helplessness is a powerful thing
Dr. K, how do I want to change? I want… to want… to want to change, if that makes sense, I don’t know.
i get what u mean😔
I asked the same thing to the nurses at the behavioral health clinic I was sent to and they all either looked at me weird or ignored my question
My problem is that unless I hit a sort of rock bottom I don't get motivation. It mostly comes from a place of well I could keep doing what I'm doing or do something else and if it sucks I can just go back to the usual routine.
@@alien1162 Dr K actually explained that you are overmotivated to continue not wanting to change. So you need to get rid of that bad motivation, or redirect it. He explained it in one of his videos I believe.
To-be-maybe-one-day-Dr. S here. Why do you "want to want to" change? Either you want to change or you don't! Putting an extra layer here tells me, it is not YOU that wants the change but someone else. Society? Family? Partner? Is it the "idea" of the outcome that compells you but without wanting to go through the process of, you know, changing?
It is your life, and if YOU do not want to change yourself - for better, worse or any direction you want - you do not have to! Saying you want to but don't know how? That's fair and plenty of resources like HealthyGamerGG are available. But you can lead your life as you like. You can even complain afterwards! Neat, right? Well, you still have to bear the consequences... and they might turn out just fine.
While I do believe in how doing good or bad deeds "transmits" from one person to the next, I do not believe it will necessarily come back around to you. There are "good" people leading miserable lifes and "bad" people getting handed everything on a silver tablet. That's life for you.
The possibilities are there, the resources are there, but what is it that YOU want? What is it about you that you want to change? Or you think "should" be changed? It ain't easy to do so and everyone that promises otherwise will probably hope you will be guillable enough to fork over some money, again and again.
"I think I should want this" does not make sense. So find sense and meaning in yourself first before trying to change something you might not really want. Else, as explained in the short here, it won't happen.
"I want to change THIS about me, because it is not good for me!" Well, then you actually want to change. "I want to change THIS about me, because I hurt other people". Well, if you care about other people, then it is still YOU that wants to change, despite it benefiting other people first (and you in the long run, maybe, again: no gurantee for a desired outcome, just likelihood).
Ask yourself these things: "What is important to me in life? What do I value in relationships, work, family, hobbies, friends, myself?" "Who do I WANT to be as a person? When I dream up the ideal self of me, how would that look like?"
Do you think answering those questions and become what you are supposed to be is worth the time, effort, pain, blood, fear and misery you will likely go through to achieve it? Then you have your answer. If not: You still have an answer. Might it be at odds with how I or others want to live their life? Maybe, but in the end, nobody can make that choice for you.
I hope you find some inspiration in these words to help you find what you are looking for.
Best of luck
David (LiveLearnGame)
This is why I'm getting tired of my friends. I'm evolving and they still want to be on the same bullshit since college
I feel. Just keep going, if they fall away keep fucking growing, you will find new ones that are on your wavelength
just don't fall into the trap of thinking you are better than other people because you are more "mature". It's just another way the ego tries to inflate itself no matter what you are doing in practice.
@@muscleman125 I say just remember where you came from, because you WILL see the immaturity in others when you start growing. And distancing yourself is completely ok. You’re meant to evolve past yourself, not others
@@veronicat5890 I’ve been around that in my earlier 20s and it’s a miserable life as I was part of the problem too. There’s so much to life outside of that, best of luck on your journey 👍🏼
You begin to change once you stop asking why can't I change and start asking how can I change.
Edit: I may have caused some confusion so I'll be more clear on what I meant. Take action, that's how you change. And it starts by asking how. I'll leave some tips I left on a previous Dr. K video.
"1. Get clearer objectives to achieve your goals and make sure to follow through on them (write them down to stay aware of what you need to do).
2. Reduce the difficulty as much as you can (set smaller goals to accomplish the bigger goals. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.)
3. Overcome your discomfort (by doing difficult tasks and gaining experience you *WILL* get closer to your goal.)
4. Reflect on the rewards that real life has to offer when you reach your goal. Understand that taking risks are required for real-life rewards."
I've been asking myself this question for 2 years and still im in the same place
I've been asking that question half my life now.. 12 damn years.
At some point I gave up on finding the answer and became content with the resulting answer being that I'll never change. Two years ago I became discontent again and started searching yet again. One doesn't change when they ask questions. One changes when they act on the answers they find.
💫
@@inventiveowl395 that's very true!! You need a plan to start changing (A VERY GOOD D**M PLAN!!)
We all talk about those who choose not to change as if we aren’t in some way or some aspect of our lives that very person. Don’t judge them. Many people refuse to change aspects of themselves. Many healthy people do.
This is a lesson I have recently learned. If someone doesn't want to change, it doesn't mean I have to give up. It just means, don't get mad at *them* if they don't listen. Manage your expectations. Manage your emotions. These things are your own responsibility.
I used to expect everyone to take everything on. Sometimes it takes time, for the information you've told them to finally settle in. Maybe in the future they will take it on board. If not, you can find people who do and who will.
Some people are more open to communicating than others, so put more effort into those friendships and relationships and you'll just be happier.
It doesn't mean you have to cut off anyone or despise someone who doesn't listen. I think it is better to forgive these people, give grace to these people and allow them to take the time they need. Love people and help them, just make sure to take care of your emotions too. I think that's where a lot of my own happiness lies.
Thank you so much for sharing. I noticed that I would want people to do what I wanted them to do and when they didn’t I would get upset because they weren’t meeting my expectations.
I’m learning to meet people where they are and accept whatever they decide to do because I cannot control others. Love is definitely key to all relationships.
Well said. After all, it is their life and their decision if they want to change or not. We can’t decide for anyone except ourselves.
But we can give them information about alternative choices.
@@sx90__ yeah exactly. and be aware of some evil people, that might take advantage of your kindness!
The moment you say "I wish..." you're holding yourself back to achieve it.
I WILL ✨
This is so true. I started walking away from people who aren't willing to communicate... Not from negativity though because I appreciate people who go against my views. But we should be able to communicate with each other. Makes life so much better!
Thank you ❤
The brilliance and reason this man possesses continues to floors so simple really when the feelings aren’t in the way.
I may dislike doing something, but I don't have to feel the dislike. I can abstract and stand back one level from my feelings and just recognize intellectually I dont like something. I don't have to feel it. Doing that thing doesnt have to cause suffering, if I stand outside of myself and merely look at my thoughts and feelings on an observational or intellectual level.
i don’t tell people about my problems because i don’t want them to waste time trying to help me lol. i want to change but not enough i guess
Sometimes you have to be able to take in order to give back my friend. Getting help can help you help others. So it's not a waste of time, it's more like an investment.
If you don’t want to change then you simply won’t. You’ll hit a point in your life hopefully where you absolutely can’t wait anymore to change and you’ll just do it
@@SimonWoodburyForget everything is a choice
Awesome! An attempt at self doscovery even if not entirely accurate is a start!
@@nicosanchez_music You cant quit wanting things, start wanting things you never thought you wanted previously, or raise or lower how much you want something? That never happens?
Do you just let that person's life collapse and suffer while you can't help them because of their refusal?
You support them until they make the choice to change. It takes a lot of patience and you will have to decide whether you want to maintain that relationship until that point.
You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. But you can support them from afar and be there for them when they fall. But there comes a point where you can say no more and distance yourself because you've said your peace so many times.
@@rw5622 ok thanks
@@infinitecurlie thanks for the info it will help me in the future
I've had to let a best friend go for this reason myself. It can get really difficult at times, and i definitely blamed myself for things that happened in their life that i wasn't there for, but i've learned to forgive myself. I know now that if i hadn't gotten out when i did, i would have been exposed to worse and worse things for my own health, and i wouldn't have been able to change anything just as i never could before then.
I hope you find peace in whatever it is you decide from here on as well. You deserve to be safe and healthy just as much as I or the people you care about or anyone else.
I'd love to see you collab with Cinema Therapy.
"Change happens when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing."
Sad but true. Can't help someone who isn't willing to do anything different.
We see lots of examples of resistance and rationalization in this comment section. I used to have a big urge to try to use logic to help them overcome rationalizations of why they cannot or will not make even the smallest effort. However you can't logic someone out of a position they did not use logic to reach.
@@Bf26fge nope...
sadly we cannot do others peoples changing for the them or make them come to any realization. We can support them but it's always wise to leave them figure it out for themselves. If they aren't putting in the effort, were just enabling and prolonging the evitable. There is no growth in constant comfort. Don't get me wrong, I hate and curse hardship too but at the same time some of my greatest strength and lesson's came through me for me in really hard time's. Those who don't appreciate hardship and realize it's a part of life are destined for a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering.
"bro there's nothing wrong with the system......it's all your fault bro"
You can't control what the system does. You can be in charge of yourself however. A man's greatest error is doing nothing when he can only do a little. Edmund Burke. He also said ambition may soar, but it may also creep.
My therapist would say a lot "you are capable of changes" and only after half a year I understood that I'm wasting the capabilities to change by doing nothing. So I finally I'm taking small steps to change because I understood I WANT to.
When one of my friends voiced something considerably more mature than how I used to remember them, it gave me a newfound respect and desire to connect with them because it means that problems in the friendship can be worked through.
Contrast that with another friend who I felt like I was continuously butting heads with because he didn't know how to 'play fair', or at least didnt align with my style. So we parted ways.
They don't necessarily have to change either. like it's their life still whether or not you might thing something is wrong. I don't know it's just an aspect to consider but I think its a tangent to what he's trying to communicate here.
WOW. This is So Much ahead of most advice you'll ever hear about relationships in a short social media post Ever !!
nah this man never fucking misses
Sorry dear Doc but I need to disagree with you on this one. In deepest depression you can’t really “want”. In my case it took a catalytic event (cutting myself off of my narcissistic family) to learn I was even allowed to “want”. Since then my life is developing swimmingly!
Same experience here, you are spot on.
In a way, the cutting off the family was the change you needed. I had similar experience where I was able to really develop when I moved away from all that
@@nicosanchez_music The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Chosen bonds will always be greater than ones forced upon us.
Wants are always there, at least under the surface, no matter how severe the depression and hopelessness. Cutting off parents was an act of change. You chose to take a step. You wanted relief from some of the suffering and had identified a source.
I bet my psychiatrist sees me this way because i reject his therapy, but I want to get better, I’ve tried his therapy before and I know what its about and it doesn’t help. Im waiting for new research to come out. Im not putting hope into something thats gonna fail again, so i can be even more hopeless at the end of it.
You just described my life
My best friend needed this ten years ago
Unfortunately now they're stuck with a person who is so unwilling to change or fix themselves they're entirely useless, so instead my friend has to care for them almost 100% and can't even trust them to take care of the pets without guiding them through step by step
It's scary seeing an able-bodied adult be so unable to do literally anything except wallow and moan, when you've seen people missing limbs and organs, or even days away from dying putting in more effort into living than someone sat on a couch regretting their distant childhood
My problem is an extreme lack of motivation. I want to do things. I want to achieve things. I just have absolutely zero motivation to do them.
MANNNNN THIS IS SO TRUE, I've personally experienced this
I do want to change, but it has to happen in the way that I want it to. I want to be in a proper environment, around proper people, and then I'll change because I will have "hope" in place.
See, trying to change in my current situation, is just giving up my coping mechanisms, and my brain ain't letting that happen until it can see that it's safe to.
I feel the exact way
But thats also a problem.
Its kinda like motivation. If you are waiting on it to come to you. You will be waiting a long time.
When i try to get my friends to go workout, they always say they don’t want to. But then complain later that they need to workout.
I dont feel like going to the gym either, but ive trained myself to push past that feeling. You HAVE to if you want to change. No easy way around it unfortunately
@@alejandroc7357this doesn't seem like a fair comparison. It's more like the only gym available is one that has unsafe equipment (like it's all greased or something), and every time i go i injure myself. I might get a bit stronger eventually, but I'll probably sustain a life altering injury or three along the way. The key word OP used was that they need to feel "safe." Like finding a gym that has proper equipment and will teach you to use it if you don't know how. Whatever that means in the analogy for OP, I can't say, but i know from experience that some environments are just not conducive to growth or healing. I just wanted to point that all out because some key language was used that it seems like you may have missed.
@@waterlemon3885Very good reply. You understand the situation and nuance.
If I was surounded by people that wanted to help me and encouraged me, I would change. No one cares, so I don't care. I dropped out of high school because no one cared about my grade.s School didn't say shit about me failing. Parents dind't give ashit about my grades. Never got any consequencees. Basically neglect. No one cares, so I don't. I don't change, because no cares for me to. @droc7357
I also don't work out because I don't know how. I don't know if i'm doing it right. I don't know if my posture is right. I don't know. I assume it's wrong, so I don't bother. No one helps me. That's what a trainer is there to do. A trainer is there to help you and make sure you do it properly. Well I need a trainer like that, but for other things other than exercise.
I just don't bother with anything if I'm not gonna do it perfectly. Too OCD. Too ADHD.
Anyway, simply put. People did this to me. And only People can undo it. Neglect did this to me. And only the oposite of neglect can heal it. It's not gonna happen by myself.
Hey, I was just thinking about this the other day.
I‘m a new speech therapist and one kid particularly was bugging me.
He‘s one of those kids that rarely heard no for an answer from his parents.
No matter how many times we practise something, his heart just isn’t in it and nothing really changes. I tried making it clear to him that this is important when he goes to school next year but he just claims he’s still just a baby and doesn’t wanna go to school.
I felt pretty frustrated at first but I can’t raise a kid for it’s parents.
Omg, what an amazing insight. I expected smth like "accept that you can't change others blah blah blah", but this sounds really refreshing.
I really did want to change and I am currently doing well with your advice thank you so much
Thank you for this.
Makes sense!
I do this to every of my close friends (when I let them in my circle / bubble, and of course everyone is different and have their own uniqueness, what we want them to change is their negative traits and behaviours)... And I (somehow) has a skill (?) that would let me see people's darkest side, so I can just get rid of them immediately without having to interact for too long... Well, could also be a curse (?) 🤷 lol because it's hard for me to find good friends since I can easily see the dark side in people 😭😭
I often argue with friends, and I just cut off (or manage a good distance) those who don't want to change (can't live alongside toxic people, sorry), or who's not willing to at least listen and give my words some thoughts... Most of them just think they're right and everyone else is wrong... I always try to put myself on other's shoes, then judge, if I can't put myself in the scenario, I won't give any opinions whatsoever...
(Note: I'm a very tolerant person and rarely complain, when I do, I assure you I'm 98% correct)
Love this. Many are stuck in right field.😂😂😂
I want to change and become something bigger but I don't know how.
I have a family member that is living with BPD and other mental disorders, and they seem so miserable you’s think they’d want to get better. But over the years I watched as this family member weaponized their mental illness, infantilized themselves, and sat back and had everyone do EVERYTHING for them. So, they’re miserable, alright, but they’re “comfortably miserable”.
And getting help/getting better means work… work I KNOW this family member is not at all willing to do. When my family want cleaning to sell our house, this family member sat on their ass and played games, laughing as my mom and worked to get the place as clean as possible.
This family member likewise is ALWAYS hosting a “misery Olympics”, which I just never understood. Our whole immediate family deals with chronic pain, why is this person trying to constantly make it out to sound as if their’s is worse? CONSTANTLY. If they’re not in more pain, then they’re more depressed. It’s annoying!
I want to help them, but they’ve taken far too much a mental toll on me. Been considering going no contact.
Thanks, that's what i need to heard
one of the better and more hard-hitting shorts in my opinion, not sure why maybe it's a personal thing
I want to help her out but she doesn't listen.. that break my heart
Doc, what about if I think I want to change, I feel that, but still can’t change/ fix my issues? Do I deep down don’t want to, or is it something else? And if it is that I don’t want to deep down, how do I go about improving myself and my life then?
I broke up with my gf because there where some things about her that where detrimental to our relationship and I told her about it but didn't push her to change because i don't believe in changing other people and it feels a bit selfish to have someone change, specially for what in the end is also my own interest. Maybe i shouldn't have resolved it that way
There is a subtle line between encouraging someone and controlling them. Seperating the two is the hardest part for most and end up blurring the line. Encouragement is often with the intent to help them change so that it benefits them while controlling them/ forcing them to change is often with the intent of bringing a solution to your problems caused by their behavior which you are so possessively trying to change. Often controlling someone looks like encouragement at face value, which is why it can be crucial to dig deeper and understand your motives behind helping them change. Two ways of dealing with this is usually to either compromise with them and their problem causing behaviors (goes both ways unless one of you is perfect) and continue encouraging them(hard part) NOT controlling (makes things worse) or leave if you cannot afford to compromise with them. Most end up jack hammering their way into hell in hopes of digging gold by forcing people in their lives to change and even destroy what little relationship they have with them.
I want to change, I’m just waiting on someone else to change me because god knows I’m never going to be able to change myself
Absolutly, i was also doing something wrong and apologyzed, the other Person behave like irational in the past. And in the now too. Hope she changed
Don't try to save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
However if you try to save someone who wants to be saved, be very careful about it.
I wanted to change and did everything. If you have clinical depression it stays with you forever. Doesnt matter how you think
That is a broad conclusion with no evidence. Sounds like a way to rationalize doing nothing. " I tried a couple of things for a little while. Of course i did them perfectly with 100 percent motivation for as long as necessary, and if it wasnt working I tried to trouble shoot and tried other things too." The obvious conclusion is that nothing changes in depression and nothing can possibly help. Brilliant, Einstein.
If you believe in your friends long enough and are patient enough the change sometimes happens slowly over time. It doesn’t happen instantly
I want to change. I've been changing and it doesn't seem to be enough for them :( I don't know what else to do.
I think I am at this point in my life now:
I often hate how my life is, but changing anything seems both impossible and pointless. But I also don't want to die but living also sucks. And just ugh... 😕
I see, now i understand, that's why.
Bro is awesome ❤️
This ❤
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink
"and don't lose heart" oh alright I thought that was just part of it.
I used to not want to change. Turns out I had some realllllly fucked up ideas from childhood that caused me to believe that if I changed, I would become a bad person. It took a very long time and a lot of work to begin to unlearn those so I could change.
How do you change your emotional reactions in moments? Or just controlling the emotions around the person who's causing those feelings.
The type of patience, resources and dedication decribed to something like a rock garden. Seems so antithetical to how most people live their lives.
Its amazing.
Despite its utter unproductiveness 😂.
Perhaps its rather aristocratic.
Beyond survival.
Change what? You can’t change your basic psychological traits. Someone who has always been anxious before exam, competition or something similar, and can’t catch sleep the night before, will never become like someone who can sleep like a baby no matter what lies in the day ahead.
This example is easily seen, but there are many such traits that we think are changeable. Everything in our lives is build around and according to those basic traits. It had been possible to become like the sound sleeper if your upbringing were to be of a particular kind which exclusively payed attention to not develop anxiety in you. But once you are adult, you can’t do anything about that. It is an autonomous psychic being inside you and you have no control whatsoever over it.
Finally, someone spills facts here
I never was able to get enough sleep knowing I have to do something important the next day
But how do I want to? Like in my mind I want to and logically I want to, but when it comes to it, it’s halfhearted effort or procrastination on doing things that’ll help me
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
What about if I just learned I have ADHD? I want to change, I seem to not be changing, and failing to get my brain to follow through on priorities has been with me all my life. It's so difficult for me that it causes me distress. I never shrug it off. I know that executive function can be severely impaired, and that's why I am in the middle of figuring out the correct medication dosage with my psychiatrist. I just want more assurance that Dr. K is only referencing people that don't have ADHD symptoms
What about situations where you want to want to change but can't. You start changing but become so tired after a few days you go backwards.
Its like this big loop.
My last two relationships said they wanted to change but both were lip service. That’s hard to see through
if they don't want to change don't force it, let them lift their own weight.
you can bring a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink
What if you are aware that you don't want to change, but want to want it? Idk if that makes sense
Yeah I had a friend just like that. We haven't been friends for at least 5 years at this point. I'm not putting up with that crap anymore. 10 years of him being a toxic, childish, abusive asshole was way too much.
Great to be building that skillset for later, but for now I'm codependent
Perfect loop
I was in a relationship where my ex wanted to change me to fit the kind of girl he wanted me to be. I just couldn't do it. I didn't feel there was anything wrong with me.
He saw it as "healing" me even though I never really asked to be "healed". I guess that's to say it's degrading to have someone you love point fingers and say you need to be "helped" but in reality they just don't accept you.
First, give a good reason to change. Then we can start talking.
Damn. Dont tell me exactly what i need and wanted to hear 😤
So... Is there no self that a person can be and also be accepted. What is this box I'm told to fit in and why?
Oh .. I'm someone... Nuts
What if you want to want to change but you really dont want to change?
I don't know the context of this but Id be careful getting a ballooned head and thinking you can change everyones life. There is value to accepting people for who they are, if they are bumming you out its fine to meet other people. You can encourage change but it is there journey.
Sheesh, I rush to Dr K content but this is the 2nd short today that lands really terribly without more context. So, i just watched a longer Dr. K interview where he was explaining that we may be approaching psuchology wrong. We make it about the individual rather than about their relationships (broadly soeaking). Yet here, the willingness to change is set out on its own and not met with other factors like ability or, importantly, opportunity. Just judging by the short alone, this also gives the impression that the helper/supporter here is doing the right things. I assume he provides more context in some other video. This probably isn't the best material for a short.
I’ve wanted to change for the past 4 years, but how do I change? I’ve tried everything it seems…
The first person I changed was myself I employed myself by hiring myself to change myself and it works.😂
Which video is this from? I can’t find it in the transcripts of the corn addiction or dating videos where he’s wearing this shirt.
What if I want to change, and know it on a congnitive/rational level, but just can't bring my emotions in line with that? E.g. wanting to break of a toxic relationship, but just not being able to cultivate the desire/want to move away from them? (As an example, also a huge problem in other aspect of my life).
I'm no expert, but I would look into the possibility you have ADHD, which can heavily impair the ability to execute simple/difficult actions + Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, which could have a role in the negative feelings that can come with breaking it off
I think the fault in this kind of thinking is the though of "everyone can change so radically that thei will find joy in their life again" when this just seems to not be true. not wanting help because you are a masochist and not ACCEPTING help because you know it doesnt work for you are two different things.
I am still looking for what helps, but people seem to be so entitled with this "either you accept MY help, or I decide for you that you are a masochist and enjoy the pain" attitude
how do you become willing to change if it's difficult for you?
How to change that then, I even don’t what else should I diagnose me with 😂
What if people don't know what is wrong with them or there is nothing wrong with them, but they are just ugly?
Welcome to AA
How do you you learn to want to change? I need to know.
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