What's worse, is that we can't ever see them as they really are, even if we listen to them and accept their truth. No one can see your true self. No one can see your "naked" soul!
I saw your "naked" soul before there was a"naked" gene to suffer any trace of doubt. Before anything was there to be accepted, rejected, created, protected, or projected, the soul is always "naked". It is the nature of the soul to remain "naked" before, remain "naked" during, as well as remain "naked" after all of the perceivable drama.
Because my grandparents and my mother taught me when I was younger to "see the best in everyone" and to "give people the benefit of the doubt". This was gravely erroneous parenting, because firstly, it taught me to trust them regardless of how they behaved toward me. Secondly, it set me up for a string of terrible and toxic relationships-- one that ended up being 36 years til I woke the hell up and questioned it, questioned him, questioned myself. I removed myself from that one four years ago. I have a lot of work on myself to do yet, but I am healing and gradually shedding all of the erroneous things I was programmed to believe. It's a process. But all of this is still causing me to be unable to trust someone again.
I'm glad to hear that you're working through this. It's definitely not easy to break out of this pattern, but with time and awareness I think it becomes easier.
I grew up in what seemed like a "normal" family, but in reality, my parents were neglectful, and my sister was openly hostile-both verbally and, at times, physically. There was no one to protect me or to truly understand what I was going through. As a result, my coping mechanism became idealizing them, seeing them as better than they actually were. This has affected my ability to form healthy friendships for decades. It's terrible what these defenses do to us, especially when we're not even aware of the shield we've built around ourselves. I'm realizing at this very moment that I lift this shield the very moment I meet someone who is willing to give me acceptable kind of attention and be potentially my friend. Potentially is the key word. I look at them through this filter and later on when I realize that they are not what I wanted them to be, I get angry with them. And it's not their fault. Also, when it comes to my family I made myself "bad", doing things that I wasn't supposed to, not to get their attention as much I wanted to meet them in the middle and be more like them in order to get closer to them. Pretty screwed up, but probably not that uncommon... Thank you so much for sharing your work and insights with us, I feel like I had a great conversation which helped me to get clarity about myself and my patterns. Ευχαριστώ πολύ!
I'm so glad this resonated with you and that you were able to have this awareness about your relationships! It's definitely not an easy awareness to come too, so it's important to also show yourself some grace and forgiveness for the cycle because it can be a normal aspect to insecure attachment with family/caregivers.
I've been watching this video on repeat for the past few day and I have to say it has been immensely helpful throughout my healing journey. I've been "in meshed" with my ex for the past 4 years, was fully aware of how much of a narcissist she was, yet I've allowed myself to fall in love with a fantasy - that she'll someday change and that I will be the man to truly change her. This video helped me to pick apart my own ego which allowed me to accept not just the breakup but myself as well, it helped me take responsibility over the fact that I viewed myself as someone who doesn't deserve true love, someone who is willing to take physical and emotional abuse because just for the sake of a "potential" that no one else has seen but me... Furthermore, it helped me in seeing my own worth regardless of how attached I was and how I perceive her to be. Thank you Kat
What you said made total sense and made me realize something. We not only do this with other people, we might even do this with ourselves or parts of ourselves in our own minds.
Yes, that's so true too! That could be an entire episode on its own tbh. We sometimes hold onto a fantasy image of who we want to be or who we think we are and deny ourselves the opportunity to see our truth. What a shame!
This hits home, and is why I stayed with my ex so long... until I woke up to the reality, and why he's my ex! Since then, I constantly try to show up as I truly am, and to pay attention to when I'm hoping someone is a certain way, versus accepting who they are presenting to be. Great topic!💜
It's a bit harder when they confirm that they are how you see them because they tell and promise you that they are, only to then do the complete opposite and betray you. For example, my ex told me that she'd never hurt or betray me because she cared about me so much, then later that same night met a guy who gave her butterflies and that was it, she left me a week later. 3 years gone for guy she met the same night she confirmed that I could trust her.
This is so goddamn many modern women. Their emotional needs have been exalted so much, society has encouraged them to be narcissists... and many have become that. This podcast is actually feeding into that.
Danger of seeing the best in people. See people for what they are. Big part of the male sex drive is overly focusing on the idea of someone rather than letting actions overtime inform you of them
Seeing people as only good or only bad denies them all the facets of their humanity. We're all a mixture of good and bad, so idealizing or villainizing someone isn't going to lead to healthy, authentic connections.
@kat.eleftheriou I agree and I admit my mind struggles to do this. The best solution I can come up with is to see people as human beings, not fantasy. This makes them less appealing, but keeps me grounded. Judging only their actions in the moment gives me less certainty about their character, but again keeps me closer to reality, even if the reality is that I don't know enough to presume.
I'm focused on staying anchored to a magical, timeless, ever present reality. That's my character, summed up. Even the concepts of good and bad by their nature, invite judgment, prejudice, praise and blame which is divisive and leads to only suffering, elation and disappointment. I think ALL of us, every single one of us, the greatest and the least of us, can find ourselves caught up in it.
grief and terror debilitate and paralyze me. I desperately despair for true love, I long for it so deeply, I suppress it so much, I could literally faint from the desire... I can no longer bear the darkness that is my life. I am trapped in hell; I cannot find escape.
My mom would do things like celebrate my birthday and invite my family over from time to time but weird things would happen like being the only one left out of family events.
Id make all kinds of excuses for it in my mind and had a bit of a mental breakdown over it during which she told me to "Go to the hospital". I've been bitching her out since.
Of course, I start off with an archetype, my idea of what constitutes a woman. The way it is I see her. Then I get to know you and the archetype fades away. The trick is if I refuse to modify or get rid of my concept of a woman. Then we have a problem on our hands.
Unfortunately, our fantasies aren't always possible to achieve in real life because real life is messy and imperfect. To find authentic connection with someone we have to accept them as they are, not as who we want them to be, and decide if who they are is aligned with us and our intentions.
I wonder how many narcissists watch/listen to this podcast, and continually go through partners, leaving human wreckage, telling yourself as you check out, "I finally see them for who they are... a narcissist!" Ladies out there... Is that something you've done? Be honest. Own it, then work on it.
Every relationship requires us to see each other for who we actually are, not the fantasy we project on to the other person. This doesn't really have to do with narcissism as much as it has to do with patters of attachment. People also change throughout the process of relationships, which means both people have to come to terms with who their partner is becoming and whether that's someone they still want to be with. Unfortunately, this is a normal part of life and relationships. And there's nothing wrong with deciding that you are no longer aligned with another person. To force someone to stay in a relationship that they no longer align with is the more concerning thing here.
The red flag of this podcast is never really encouraging women to ask themselves if *their* actions are commensurate with how their partner has treated them. Biggest problem in relationships today... Look, people are imperfect. We are all messy. How you see your partner is asking the wrong question. Journaling can be another way of expressing emotions, but emotions aren't reality- perception may, indeed, be reality. But, also, reality is reality. I just got out of a relationship where most of my energy went into a woman and her daughter... and ultimately, by the end, she was "setting boundaries" with me by pushing me completely out of her life, out of her child's life, whom I had bonded with, and more importantly, who had bonded with me. She threw it all away under the pretext of what you're talking about in this video. I know for a fact women listen to the message you're spreading, and using it as an excuse to dispose of *good men* because "now they see who they really are." But, ladies, I ask you this: Are you seeing who they "really are" then looking at someone new, and "realizing" how great the new person is? If you are, congratulations: You're literally doing the exact same thing, starting the same process, that ultimately got you into the relationship you're in, *AND* , despite how much work, effort, or roots have been formed, you're ripping all of them out, and completely devaluing your partner under the guise of, "It's not fair if I stay with him because I wouldn't be with him for the right reasons." Absolute BS. Relationships are *hard* . It's *always* easier with someone new. *ALWAYS* . But, easier isn't better, and human beings, especially ones who invest in *you*, are not disposable. This is not an easy fact of life to face. But, as someone on the receiving end of this philosophical relationship mumbo jumbo, I can tell you the damage it causes is so immense. More than I could ever explain in a single text comment. Take the difficult path. Work through your problems. You, your partner, and your kids will ultimately benefit from it.
I think you've misinterpreted the message of this video. I don't ever talk about men or women specifically because my focus is on people. We all struggle with and experience the same things, just in different ways. It seems that just because I am a woman you're having a hard time seeing past that and assuming that my content is directed only to women. I also don't only refer to romantic relationships when I discuss topics like these; I'm referring to platonic and familial relationships as well--particularly familial ones because that's where this habit of idealizing or romanticizing people often begins. My podcast is called "Nobody Is Doing It Right" for a reason--everything I discuss is about things that we are ALL capable of and always suggest we hold ourselves accountable for. Your comment shows me that you haven't listened to any of my other episodes, which is a shame. And the irony of all of this is that your ex isn't the only person who "saw them as you wished they were"...it's also you. You saw her as you wished she was and now you've seen who she actually is. And I can tell that this has been a deeply painful experience for you and I'm sorry you've had to experience it. The grief of loss is never easy to work through, especially when it's the loss of a life you thought would have unfolded a specific way. However, now you have an opportunity to decide if this image of her is something you hold on to and try to force to work despite being shown that this probably isn't the most aligned partner for you, or something you accept and move on from so that you can find a more aligned partner. Awareness and accountability are required on all sides here, not just one. We all have to recognize when we participate in exactly the thing we shame others for or call them "narcissists" for and decide what our next step is. Honestly, I have some great episodes about the process of realignment and reconnecting with our authentic selves after giving too much of our energy to others, if you're open to checking them out!
Always projecting my good intentions and honesty on to people who were cynical and hateful
:(
“The lack of clarity is the Clarity” this
What's worse, is that we can't ever see them as they really are, even if we listen to them and accept their truth. No one can see your true self. No one can see your "naked" soul!
I would agree with that, we are probably meant to project since that is what we do for our own experience and evolution
@@alreadymind_774yall are just justifying narcissism
I think projection is part of the experience of connection to a certain extent, but awareness and acceptance of our projections is also important.
I saw your "naked" soul before there was a"naked" gene to suffer any trace of doubt. Before anything was there to be accepted, rejected, created, protected, or projected, the soul is always "naked". It is the nature of the soul to remain "naked" before, remain "naked" during, as well as remain "naked" after all of the perceivable drama.
Because my grandparents and my mother taught me when I was younger to "see the best in everyone" and to "give people the benefit of the doubt".
This was gravely erroneous parenting, because firstly, it taught me to trust them regardless of how they behaved toward me.
Secondly, it set me up for a string of terrible and toxic relationships-- one that ended up being 36 years til I woke the hell up and questioned it, questioned him, questioned myself.
I removed myself from that one four years ago.
I have a lot of work on myself to do yet, but I am healing and gradually shedding all of the erroneous things I was programmed to believe.
It's a process.
But all of this is still causing me to be unable to trust someone again.
I'm glad to hear that you're working through this. It's definitely not easy to break out of this pattern, but with time and awareness I think it becomes easier.
I grew up in what seemed like a "normal" family, but in reality, my parents were neglectful, and my sister was openly hostile-both verbally and, at times, physically. There was no one to protect me or to truly understand what I was going through. As a result, my coping mechanism became idealizing them, seeing them as better than they actually were. This has affected my ability to form healthy friendships for decades. It's terrible what these defenses do to us, especially when we're not even aware of the shield we've built around ourselves.
I'm realizing at this very moment that I lift this shield the very moment I meet someone who is willing to give me acceptable kind of attention and be potentially my friend. Potentially is the key word. I look at them through this filter and later on when I realize that they are not what I wanted them to be, I get angry with them. And it's not their fault. Also, when it comes to my family I made myself "bad", doing things that I wasn't supposed to, not to get their attention as much I wanted to meet them in the middle and be more like them in order to get closer to them. Pretty screwed up, but probably not that uncommon...
Thank you so much for sharing your work and insights with us, I feel like I had a great conversation which helped me to get clarity about myself and my patterns.
Ευχαριστώ πολύ!
I'm so glad this resonated with you and that you were able to have this awareness about your relationships! It's definitely not an easy awareness to come too, so it's important to also show yourself some grace and forgiveness for the cycle because it can be a normal aspect to insecure attachment with family/caregivers.
I've been watching this video on repeat for the past few day and I have to say it has been immensely helpful throughout my healing journey.
I've been "in meshed" with my ex for the past 4 years, was fully aware of how much of a narcissist she was, yet I've allowed myself to fall in love with a fantasy - that she'll someday change and that I will be the man to truly change her.
This video helped me to pick apart my own ego which allowed me to accept not just the breakup but myself as well, it helped me take responsibility over the fact that I viewed myself as someone who doesn't deserve true love, someone who is willing to take physical and emotional abuse because just for the sake of a "potential" that no one else has seen but me...
Furthermore, it helped me in seeing my own worth regardless of how attached I was and how I perceive her to be.
Thank you Kat
What you said made total sense and made me realize something. We not only do this with other people, we might even do this with ourselves or parts of ourselves in our own minds.
Yes, that's so true too! That could be an entire episode on its own tbh. We sometimes hold onto a fantasy image of who we want to be or who we think we are and deny ourselves the opportunity to see our truth. What a shame!
This hits home, and is why I stayed with my ex so long... until I woke up to the reality, and why he's my ex! Since then, I constantly try to show up as I truly am, and to pay attention to when I'm hoping someone is a certain way, versus accepting who they are presenting to be. Great topic!💜
I'm glad you were able to work out of that dynamic!
It's a bit harder when they confirm that they are how you see them because they tell and promise you that they are, only to then do the complete opposite and betray you. For example, my ex told me that she'd never hurt or betray me because she cared about me so much, then later that same night met a guy who gave her butterflies and that was it, she left me a week later. 3 years gone for guy she met the same night she confirmed that I could trust her.
This is so goddamn many modern women. Their emotional needs have been exalted so much, society has encouraged them to be narcissists... and many have become that. This podcast is actually feeding into that.
@@CalmBeforeTheStorm76dude shut up. We've all been betrayed by lovers. I've had a man do similar to me, are you gonna put that on him being a man?
@@isa-morena Not All.
@@CalmBeforeTheStorm76yeah, not all women.
Danger of seeing the best in people. See people for what they are. Big part of the male sex drive is overly focusing on the idea of someone rather than letting actions overtime inform you of them
Seeing people as only good or only bad denies them all the facets of their humanity. We're all a mixture of good and bad, so idealizing or villainizing someone isn't going to lead to healthy, authentic connections.
@kat.eleftheriou I agree and I admit my mind struggles to do this. The best solution I can come up with is to see people as human beings, not fantasy. This makes them less appealing, but keeps me grounded. Judging only their actions in the moment gives me less certainty about their character, but again keeps me closer to reality, even if the reality is that I don't know enough to presume.
I'm focused on staying anchored to a magical, timeless, ever present reality. That's my character, summed up. Even the concepts of good and bad by their nature, invite judgment, prejudice, praise and blame which is divisive and leads to only suffering, elation and disappointment. I think ALL of us, every single one of us, the greatest and the least of us, can find ourselves caught up in it.
Whoa! Thank you for the clarity and reality check
I enjoy listening to you, you have a really sophisticated voice and way of expressing yourself
Thank you!
One minute in and yes! You are slaying the truth!
grief and terror debilitate and paralyze me.
I desperately despair for true love, I long for it so deeply, I suppress it so much,
I could literally faint from the desire...
I can no longer bear the darkness that is my life.
I am trapped in hell; I cannot find escape.
Such a wonderful message! I wish I knew this years ago.
Thank you ❤
Usually enmeshment has to do with narcissistic relationships
Red flag
My mom would do things like celebrate my birthday and invite my family over from time to time but weird things would happen like being the only one left out of family events.
Id make all kinds of excuses for it in my mind and had a bit of a mental breakdown over it during which she told me to "Go to the hospital". I've been bitching her out since.
I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that :(
Just what I needed to hear ❤ I loved your tik tok videos - deleted the app because I am addicted. Glad you are here 🎉🎉🎉
I'm glad you were able to find me here!
This was very helpful, thank you
You're welcome!
Of course, I start off with an archetype, my idea of what constitutes a woman. The way it is I see her. Then I get to know you and the archetype fades away. The trick is if I refuse to modify or get rid of my concept of a woman. Then we have a problem on our hands.
Unfortunately, our fantasies aren't always possible to achieve in real life because real life is messy and imperfect. To find authentic connection with someone we have to accept them as they are, not as who we want them to be, and decide if who they are is aligned with us and our intentions.
@ I think you just missed everything that I said. I hope you find what you’re after.
Always so much wisdom from you KE
Glad you think so!
Wow, that was a really good video, thank you so much for sharing!
You're welcome!
Thank you Girl! 🙏😌💜
You're welcome!
Thank you
Yea, thanks
I wonder how many narcissists watch/listen to this podcast, and continually go through partners, leaving human wreckage, telling yourself as you check out, "I finally see them for who they are... a narcissist!" Ladies out there... Is that something you've done? Be honest. Own it, then work on it.
Every relationship requires us to see each other for who we actually are, not the fantasy we project on to the other person. This doesn't really have to do with narcissism as much as it has to do with patters of attachment. People also change throughout the process of relationships, which means both people have to come to terms with who their partner is becoming and whether that's someone they still want to be with. Unfortunately, this is a normal part of life and relationships. And there's nothing wrong with deciding that you are no longer aligned with another person. To force someone to stay in a relationship that they no longer align with is the more concerning thing here.
The red flag of this podcast is never really encouraging women to ask themselves if *their* actions are commensurate with how their partner has treated them. Biggest problem in relationships today... Look, people are imperfect. We are all messy. How you see your partner is asking the wrong question. Journaling can be another way of expressing emotions, but emotions aren't reality- perception may, indeed, be reality. But, also, reality is reality.
I just got out of a relationship where most of my energy went into a woman and her daughter... and ultimately, by the end, she was "setting boundaries" with me by pushing me completely out of her life, out of her child's life, whom I had bonded with, and more importantly, who had bonded with me.
She threw it all away under the pretext of what you're talking about in this video. I know for a fact women listen to the message you're spreading, and using it as an excuse to dispose of *good men* because "now they see who they really are." But, ladies, I ask you this: Are you seeing who they "really are" then looking at someone new, and "realizing" how great the new person is? If you are, congratulations: You're literally doing the exact same thing, starting the same process, that ultimately got you into the relationship you're in, *AND* , despite how much work, effort, or roots have been formed, you're ripping all of them out, and completely devaluing your partner under the guise of, "It's not fair if I stay with him because I wouldn't be with him for the right reasons." Absolute BS. Relationships are *hard* . It's *always* easier with someone new. *ALWAYS* . But, easier isn't better, and human beings, especially ones who invest in *you*, are not disposable.
This is not an easy fact of life to face. But, as someone on the receiving end of this philosophical relationship mumbo jumbo, I can tell you the damage it causes is so immense. More than I could ever explain in a single text comment. Take the difficult path. Work through your problems. You, your partner, and your kids will ultimately benefit from it.
I think you've misinterpreted the message of this video. I don't ever talk about men or women specifically because my focus is on people. We all struggle with and experience the same things, just in different ways. It seems that just because I am a woman you're having a hard time seeing past that and assuming that my content is directed only to women.
I also don't only refer to romantic relationships when I discuss topics like these; I'm referring to platonic and familial relationships as well--particularly familial ones because that's where this habit of idealizing or romanticizing people often begins. My podcast is called "Nobody Is Doing It Right" for a reason--everything I discuss is about things that we are ALL capable of and always suggest we hold ourselves accountable for. Your comment shows me that you haven't listened to any of my other episodes, which is a shame.
And the irony of all of this is that your ex isn't the only person who "saw them as you wished they were"...it's also you. You saw her as you wished she was and now you've seen who she actually is. And I can tell that this has been a deeply painful experience for you and I'm sorry you've had to experience it. The grief of loss is never easy to work through, especially when it's the loss of a life you thought would have unfolded a specific way. However, now you have an opportunity to decide if this image of her is something you hold on to and try to force to work despite being shown that this probably isn't the most aligned partner for you, or something you accept and move on from so that you can find a more aligned partner.
Awareness and accountability are required on all sides here, not just one. We all have to recognize when we participate in exactly the thing we shame others for or call them "narcissists" for and decide what our next step is. Honestly, I have some great episodes about the process of realignment and reconnecting with our authentic selves after giving too much of our energy to others, if you're open to checking them out!