Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
This is so real. AP male here and walked away from an FA woman. I’ve gone no contact and moved to a new town. Had to get away from the anxious avoidant trap. My abandonment wound from childhood is lit like a Christmas tree. I refuse to reach out but the grief and rumination is horrific. I’ve sobbed from my core for three days straight. Can barely get off the couch. This is so real. I’m just “sitting with it”. Thank you Alan. Been listening to your videos all weekend
I hope you're doing well. You've given me motivation to sit with the pain of it, through your comment as well. Wishing you strength. Thank you for sharing what you're going through.
It is longing for loving relationship and to be seen & loved as we are & for some of us it is the best relationship we have ever had even though it wasn't healthy one. I am aiming to heal my wounded inner child & to learn to be happy alone & if I happen to meet someone I can be happy with, brilliant, if not,that would be fine too. I am now going to appreciate me & will not stay with anyone who doesn't feel the same.
You are not your thoughts, you are not your mind. You are the awareness that is aware of them. That is where we must learn to find our security. The rest, is memories replying and hijacking your true self which is already free of fear and of lack.
Alan, so well explained. I’ve experienced the same phenomenon, ending a relationship because I knew I deserved more than crumbs intellectually but then my mind flipped the script that he was rejecting me. I so appreciate your explanation of the mirroring of my trauma, it explains a lump in my throat I’ve had for as long as I can recall. Thank you for all of your work!
I hope to get to this place of where my mind will triumph over the irrational two year old tantrum that is my heart, sadly my most illogical organ that doesn’t know self respect or boundaries. The heart wants what the heart wants. I’m so happy this video was made, the content insightful. Like so many others I want relief. I hope to get there and help others who might be in this awful stuck place someday.
So right!! The intensity of longing makes us tell ourselves this MUST be LOVE!! If it hurts so bad to break up it must be love, so you go back, and you accept crumbs for a relationship or you become friends with benefits, and tell yourself it's ok.
Thanks for watching. Yes, we oftentimes end up in cycles and patterns that we want to change and know that we should change. This is an important topic that deserves attention and conversation. My course The Four Attachment Distress Responses discusses in-depth how behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. Learn more about this course by taking the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
You are welcome. Glad it resonates. I too am like you that when I stumbled upon the info that mirrored my experience it was quite satisfying, affirming, and even freeing. I appreciate the feedback. Thank you.
I have ended rotten relationships and repeatedly gone back to them!! I feel like I am being rejected when I reject them!! Thank you for explaining why I do this.
The physical pain I feel in my chest, although psychosomatic, feels incredibly real and distracting, sometimes debilitating. And I definitely relate to your example of how I react to ending unhealthy relationships. It's quite the mindfuck.
Childhood neglect and attachment trauma led to codependency and desperate need for attention. 20 years later add a large helping of PTSD and the paranoia that came after. I have no hope of fixing myself. I am so screwed up, my longing causes me to always feel unheard and desperate for attention, drives people away. Age of 43, spend most of my life alone because it is safer, and less painful-what a great life, can't wait for it to be over
I hope you can find enough compassion to give it yourself. You deserve to treat yourself kindly. I am doing inner child work and no matter what I don't give up on myself. I don't force myself to be perfect. I am doing my best to love myself unconditionally and protect from anything that can bring me harm, including my own inner & outer critic. I find a lot of helpful information in Pete Walker's book "Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving" can be found in amazon.com Do give yourself enough attention that your child never have had enough. Don't give up on yourself. Age doesn't matter, you're still alive "STOP treating yourself the way abusers treated you" that idiom helped me a lot to overcome abandonment depression etc... Wish you the best! You are not alone. You have yourself. You've come this far, thanks to yourself. You can do it more. Much love to you 💖💖💖
Its been 1.5 years and I still think about it. What you described is me. Doing the inner work is the only way out. Thank you for being here for us to help.
First time I was longing for almost 5 years, now 4 months longing after 2 month of relationship... This stuff really opens up the eyes... Hope we can all heal from from it thou
Me too :'( This is me everyday. I do all the right things in meditating and listening non-stop to healing podcasts even subliminal stuff. All the cliches out there too put even more pressure on you and you question what the hell is wrong with me.
This is SUCH a powerful and concise teaching. I've watched 4 times now. Thank you Alan, so much. You are blessed with these (hard-earned) insights and understandings.
OMG!! I have the same reaction to ending toxic relationships as you had!!!!!! I thought I was the only one unlucky enough to experience this!!!!! When I have ended relationships that I knew were unhealthy for me I would take the steps to end it and a short time after start to feel like they abandoned me and that would set off a series of unhealthy reactions within me!! I would try and get them to come back so my brain would stop thinking IT had just been abandoned!!! thanks for all your videos!!! they are so helpful!!!!
Donna Perry Same for me I already felt emotionally abandoned and lonely in the relationship but after I've had enough of the humiliation and said I break up I'd beg them back eventually even though they were totally ok with the breakup themselves and did not want to change anything to make things actually work. That would just cause me to compromise more and more of my needs each time it happened and made the relationship more toxic.
So true. We end it bc of the neglect. But what we really want is them to be available and nurturing, meed needs. Then when they don't fight for us or even blonk an eye it's tripple wammy abandonment. I also go running back to where i already determined was unsafe and not enough. It's sad. a@justynawisniewska1213
You've just described what I've been trying to explain for a very long time. I experience deep pain in my chest, total panic, total abandonment and rejection; I feel like the only relief is reaching back out to the person who continously hurts me. Like when they call, even though its usually a toxic conversation, it feels like a 'hit' so to speak. Its so disorienting. 😢
I appreciate hearing that feedback. Glad this content is helpful for you. Thanks for valuing my work. If this video is helpful then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
This is how I have been feeling for a few weeks with ending my relationship. Thank you for this video. I am starting to understand who I am and how to handle these triggers. God bless you for helping me.
Empathy to you. Thank you for sharing this video was helpful. Longing is a topic that comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Until I began healing my anxiousness, I was not even totally aware of how ubiquitous a background longing for an intangible something, or perhaps times that didn't even ever really exist was. And it's been surreal for it to begin to evaporate. Not to mention extremely peaceful and grounding
Its unreal how much this fits my problem. I was sure, that i'm just crazy and nobody can help me. I'm thinking about my first love (from almost 20 years ago) every day since about 2 years and I just can't stop. I cried about this and tried everything. Thank you for making these videos.
Glad this video resonates. Many of us can relate. I remember when this topic was mentioned in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The conversation was similar to your comment. If you haven't heard about the Community learn more by taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
This is one of the best ones that I've seen yet! I'm going to end up watching all of your videos - I just know it 😊 I'm coming up on 17 (SEVEN.TEEN!!!) years in a marriage to someone that I knew wasn't right for me. I knew it! But, I was a 24 year old girl working through her traumas from childhood and didn't know that my attachment traumas were the driving force behind my choice to lock it down for life with someone that I thought that "the love would eventually come." He is a good guy in a lot of ways. He's never hit me, only once has he called me a derogatory name, no drug or alcohol issues, and he's an incredibly hard worker. But, he's the most emotionless distant and non-self-aware person that I've ever known. Of course, with my attachment issues, I long for connection. (I'm an INFP, so I definitely love connection.) He gets upset with me over it. Like, he can stonewall for daaaays, and weeks or months if need be. The times that he's legit nicest to me is when he thinks that I'm leaving. (Possible hoovering?) We don't touch. We don't kiss. He controls the finances and tells me to keep my "hands out of it" (he's not into budgeting and I'm more of a Dave Ramsey kind of girl). Birthdays and anniversaries are not relevant to him. He absolutely refuses to pay for me to finish my college degree and will not say a word, stonewalling, when I try to talk about it. (I want to go to school to be a psychologist, preferably working with children and teens.) We live within a 5 mile radius of his entire immediate family and he has the bare bare bare minimum to do with them. His dad has cancer right now and he calls (calls, now. Again, we live about 2 miles from them) once a week and takes our children to see him once a week. And he will say that he thinks we have a good marriage! Watching your videos has opened my eyes to the fact (from my point of view) that while his behaviors aren't necessarily excusable, where am I to blame in this? Because I stay and expect him to be someone that he's not. That I'm wanting him to change to meet my needs (and I have begged him to so many times). Oh, that profound realization hurt! In one video, you said something along the lines of, "You just want to b***h." I was like, "Hold up! Dude's crossed the line!," but something told me to just keep watching, to keep listening. Them it all fit together! This is ME hanging, clinging on to something in someone who is who HE IS and if he wanted to change, he would. (Tying in to your video about "he's not going to change.") I realize now that the whole foundation for this relationship, this marriage has been me trying to get my needs met because of my father abandoning me and because I was sexually abused as a little girl and then my violent, drug addict stepfather (that my mom started seeing when I was 13 and he beat both of us) hated me and couldn't wait to kick me out and started trying to do so when I turned 16. I left home when I was 17. I was neglected and abused in some form or fashion my entire childhood and constantly felt worthless and like I was in everyone's way. My 24 year old, single mother self subconsciously thought that I could surely make this man love me like I deserve to be loved and that would thereby validate me and heal all of my wounds! Ummmmmm, NO. ✋🚫 Oh, "if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't dive in, I wouldn't bow down." (Thank you, Katy Perry, for the magnificent song, 'Wide Awake'!) I've learned so much from your videos (some that I've replayed over and over and over until the message sunk in) and recommend them to anyone who has attachment traumas (a term that I hadn't heard of until you). I had to keep an open mind and let my defenses down so that I could be open to what you're trying to teach us about our personal responsibility in all of this. I had to remember one of my favorite quotes, 'I did then what I knew how to do. Once I knew better, I did better." Thank you for helping me to know better. Now, it's time for me to do better. God bless you and your amazing gift for helping me get to the root of the root of my relationship issues so that I can move on to living my best life with an awareness of my wounds and a fresh perspective of how I love and accept love based off of them.. Now, I'm off to watch another video! 💕
exactly. boundaries.when you are with someone who does not respect them, they become like your parent. even when we are good with rejection, when it comes from THAT person, your partner in life, it is pretty unbearable. next level!
i'm doing ifs therapy... meeting your videos is huge because you are the first specialist i've ever met and even the commentators words give me a wonderful feeling of relief that i;m not alone!!!!! thank you. i've known about this for years but never heard anybody talk about it.
Thank you so much for this , the longing to go back to my ex partner who was abusive was overwhelming. Logically I knew it was from childhood but you have explained it so well. It’s not him I am longing for it’s a part of childhood that needs to be healed and resolved. I’m so delighted I have found you on TH-cam and thank you so much for the wealth of knowledge you are sharing on here .. your one of the best on trauma attachment I have come across
Glad this video sparked reflection for you. Great insight. I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my efforts to offer quality content. This is the kind of unpacking we do in the Improve Your Relationships Community Program. Some members have been there for over four years now. You may like participating in these kinds of conversations: www.alanrobarge.com/community
It's like hearing my own self out loud. I have been beating my head on a wall for the last 4 years. Thank you for the video. My counselor thanks you too
Alan, you are an angel in a human body. You are the modern Freud of physiology. Thanks so much for all your support and wisdom as to why we do what we do.
I bumped into this channel 3 years ago, coming out of what I now know was a toxic and abusive relationship, and I was floored by withdrawal. Here I am again after a year of an even more intense yet more abusive and crazy-making relationship, with someone ( I know its overused) Who is probably pretty high on the narcissistic scale. It was the most magical yet terrifying relationship I have ever had, not counting my mother. So I am back, but it’s not the same, the work I have done in the last three years shows, but it seems I needed another kick in the face to really dig deep, connect the dots, take responsibility, and get ready for another layer of healing. I am now in a much closer connection with my body, and what it’s trying to tell me. I have decided to detox from relationships for at least six months, and carry on my healing work, I highly recommend “Pete Walker’s: the Tao of fully feeling”. A Great book on childhood trauma, and healing it. At first I was terrified to break up with this person, even though I did know that she was going to destroy me on the long run, but now I get more and more of myself back every day, my creativity, my power, my agency, my freedom, my friends and relatives, and most importantly my children. Anyway this was the equinox of all that crappy, childhood related messed up relationships I have had. Enough is enough, I will never betray myself again like this. I have just turned 49 by theway. This road is difficult, but very rewarding and liberating. I wish all the best to you, and a lot courage. Oh, and don’t forget to set boundaries. :)
I honestly think you are one of the most knowledgeable and articulate people when it comes to explaining some of these types of behaviors we all experience. I want to thank you for sharing your knowledge with those of us who are suffering.
Alan, I wish to offer you my sincere thanks for posting this video. I found this today, right in the middle of what is a breakthrough after 46 years of pain. I have been seeking clarity and pattern changing for many years, after my children were hurt by a former partner. Along with appropriate legal measures, I sought to resolve whatever emotional issues had meant I was in the wrong relationships in the first place. Having been forced to live with my mother as part of the fallout, I was triggered in many issues from childhood - including her abuse and abandonment of my brothers and myself. Your explanation was clear, and I finally had the lightbulb realisation that attachment trauma had affected my complete sense of self. It has been very painful facing the subsequent abuse by one of her partners, and linking that to the insidious expectation of mistreatment which I carried through all my adult relationships. I Don't want my children to suffer the same fate, so I'm focused on the three of us healing. Sadly other members of my family don't support this, or wish to do any inner work on themselves and have cut me loose - very painful indeed, but hopefully ultimately freeing. I was struck by the honesty with which you spoke about your own experiences and will be watching your other videos too. Thank you.
This is absolutely exactly what I experience and have experienced. I initiate the separation the distance and then I feel rejected and sad! It is crazy!
I'm 34, I just found out I have preoccupied attachment in relationships and fearful attachment with my parents. My whole life I believed that people were being manipulative, I I believed that my intense feelings of love (in a short space of time) were real. I thought that rumination was normal and that I was just unlovable. I didn't realise that these feelings were due to an attachment injury. It's been a roller-coaster the past few days after finding this out. It's going to be a long road 🙏
That intense pain of feeling abandoned is an echo of the inner child feeling abandoned by their parent. Those reeling thoughts are really a panic to the occuring situation. This makes so much sense. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on it. I'm so glad I found your channel. Like REALLY glad. I spent my whole life feeling guilty for being weird. Now I know it's just processes playing out. It is so much easier to deal with it now. I truly feel liberated. ps. I like the painting you have there in the background. I swear I was paying attention, just couldn't help but notice it, it's so pretty.
omg Alan, Im sitting here bawling. This touched places in me I think I knew about but didnt understand or acknowldege. I have SO MUCH work to do on me. Just where to even begin.....:( thanks for posting this. So very eye opening for me.
Sandi Donnally I feel the EXACT same way! It’s just layer upon layer of insult to injury. Of course as a child we have no clue how to resolve the pain and trauma. But now there are tools and people that can facilitate us helping ourselves. Look up Louise Hay on here and “the holistic psychologist” I’ve attracted handsome, intelligent, partners before. I can attract even better once I’m on the path to healing. You can too. Don’t give up!! 😊
i wish i had found your video sooner. i never knew i had this trauma, even after having been through 2 courses of therapy! i felt i would die when my husband recently dumped me after 12 years. i have keep it together, do not ask me how. i thank you ever so much!
Me too. sometimes therapy is useless. sometimes the therapist isn't experienced enough or just don't care. I say self help is the best. no man's an island and we all need help and while self helping you may meet helpers along the way . therapy isn't always helpful . It all depends on how experienced the therapist is
Hi Jennif S, Recently came across Alan's channel & your words caught my attention. I hope you are doing better. It must have been extremely difficult to go through your situation with your husband. You are fortunate to have kept it together. Sometimes it's a matter of stamina, support & videos like this to enable us to cope. Best wishes!
@@tigerprint7960 Thank you for caring. Doing better after no contact. Self help is working for me, and crying it all out with Alan's videos. I think the key is to slow way down, and expect nothing except putting one foot in front of the next, and to keep breathing. Salt baths are good too.
My longing is for closure. The trauma from broken relationships plagues me to this day. I'm doing what I can to recover on my own, but damn it, it would help so much if I could get some kind of closure from the other people who were involved. Some part of me wants to make things right, and reconnect with these people, but at the end of the day I just want closure. I want to move on and have good relationships and leave my pain behind. I've dealt with the intrusive obsessive thinking for so long, I'm exhausted with it. I want to heal, it's just very difficult. Change comes so slowly, and I know having healthy relationships will serve me better than trying to salvage broken damaging and traumatic relationships in the long run.
Amazing video. I am just now understanding attachment trauma and how I've been suffering with it through 7 breakups over 3 decades. You are correct... the remuneration can last months..... it's hellish. Wish I'd known about this ages ago. Thank you thank you thank you.
@@Tutume1111 I'm so sorry. Ditto on feeling this again. Even through all of my therapy, with EMDR, CBT, and somatic therapy, I'm scared chitless to get involved again. I keep getting asked out on dates and I'm shuddering at the thought of going through it again after being ghosted by my last heart destruction, even though it was long ago. I'm afraid of the looping again!!!
@@fernyfern5300 what I have learnt is making self love a daily practice, putting myself first with men and from now on making sure it a man who invests into me more than I do.. Its about changing our behavioural habits I believe
Thanks Alan, I recently initiated the end of a relationship with my old pal. I was getting obsessed about him too much but I got so depressed, sick, shivering after ending it. I started to long for him after 2 days and started sending him text messages as if l am the victim. I felt so lonely and abandoned.. I am getting better now. I always long for him because I felt some form of comfort, love, cuddling etc when ever I talk to him but now I know it's not about him but about my childhood attachment injury. Thanks
This has come at the perfect time for me. I went back and forth in a what started loving relationship turned bad, basically I got out of denial and became the enemy! Ive no contact now for a long time but the pain, thoughts etc would not go away. I'd get clear and wonder why I needed to reconnect when I don't even like him! I knew it was childhood trauma but no clue as to how to heal. Having done lots of stuff to gradually free myself I feel its working at last. your video explains it all in a clear concise manner and I finally get it. My journey which I will continue in taking care of my little child, for me is the answer. Thank you so much for this you are truly heaven sent.
I went through the exact same thing. I don't know how to do the inner child work yet though. I'm still longing for him even though I know his wrong for me and was using me.
Nine minutes in when you start talking about I need that connect with this person. I need to connect with this person and repeat it again and again and again. that is me 100% ! These videos are gold ! And you my friend are a saint
Thank you for the kind words. Glad my work brings you value. I hear you about those moments where we keep repeating it again and again. It's so important to keep talking about this. Many of us can relate. This conversation comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Glad to hear this video offered clarity. Thank you for letting me know this video was helpful. If this content is helpful then you may also benefit from taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Thanks again for your comment. Here's the link. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I was aware it was the ache of loneliness I was feeling rather than the person... I knew I was seeking comfort to sooth the withdrawal of up the daily comfort I had. When I would consider contacting the person I am no longer with, I got a “big no” from my body - and I listened to that. This video is just what I needed: to realize it is my childhood trauma bond needing to be healed and comforted. Great realization. Thank you!
@@ebutuoywrw I'm actually in trauma focused somatic therapy by two psychologists ( I do yoga too). I've been crying and reacting to things I never thought possible and releasing all of this trauma stored in my body. It's incredibly painful, exhausting to the point it's bringing on massive atypical migraines, but I'm progressing and healing finally!! I wish you well.
@@fernyfern5300 Oh all the best, I betcha those headaches are the brain making new connections ;) You are growing a new way to be fully you with a bright future! I was having headaches too now I drink 3000 ml of water each day, installed water filter under the sink. Here's to a new era of health and happiness to you
@@ebutuoywrw thanks Bill!! I'm a completely straight edge person who does not drink or use drugs or any of that. I drink water and green tea and that is it with a lot of veggies during the day. I run a lot and do yoga too, and lots of meditation but wow the brain hurt!!! I've had to turn on the GPS sometimes driving home on roads I know well because I can't even see straight, and sometimes I'll also get home and pass out for a good two hours. I'm working my brain hard!!
I had to pause watching this vid as was getting emotional. This all describes me in the smallest detail!im 35 and only now start to realise that what I have been feeling last few months post breakup suffering which by the way I initiated the breakup since the relationship wasn't healthy for me at all and only now I start to understand that is actually all the trauma experiences coming up to the surface... This is the most moving, yet most eye opening vid I have ever watched! Thank you from the botton of my ❤️🙏
Wow!! Almost a year I've been going thru this EXACTLY as you said. It just didn't make any sense to me . I was so confused why I kept finding myself feeling this way over n over n over n over . Exactly that's what we both thought was we had something special and needed to reconcile. I had straight up given up on giving up on our relationship cuz I knew full well there was no way I was going anywhere. Big time intense and just gets stronger and stronger and nothing helps not other people not distractions nothing until you give in and reach back out. Ive been studying psychology and healing trauma ECT for many many yrs. Am so grateful for your channel. No one I've found actually gives content like you do so valuable. Others just state all the problems and what they are but nothing on what to do about it. Very grateful. Thank you so much for posting these videos with all my heart. I appreciate you!!!!!! ; *
My mother suffered clinical depression. Low and behold I met a great guy who is goinging through a bad depressive episode. Its triggered all sorts of anxiety in my mind and body. Everything youve said is spot on with me right now. Thanks so much.
Hello - This is the first time I’ve ever realized the complexity and the truth behind my attachment disorder. I am 55 years old and this video really helped greatly. Everything explained here makes perfect sense and finally some lights are coming on inside my mind letting me know that yes this is all very true. Extremely enlightening and helpful for me to know this. It’s comforting to know that I can take the longing and attachment off the actual person and place it where it actually belongs - and also be aware of its origins. Thank you Alan. You have a gift of helping others.
Extremely helpful Alan! I am going such withdrawls and am now able to see the reality of my feelings which enables me not to go back to a situation that does not either serve or nurture me : )
Samantha, Many of us can relate to this desire to move on and be done with it. We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Answering the "how to" is complex and rooted in many things we do on a daily basis. With the Self-Directed Healing approach I developed, you are in charge of how you engage the material of "how to". Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Like so many others here, I wish I had known this before. Have had the worst episode of my entire life on splitting up with my man who has had a major mid life crisis. Thank you so much for posting, I thought I had lost my mind.
Me too. I was his queen for 20 years. When i tell u he held me so high, u wouldnt believe it. Then bam. One day he said he needs to be alone. Massive mid life crisis. As now his attractions are for girls 4 years older then our oldest son.. DISGUSTING. now i have ptsd. I cant sleep with out him . How could he do this to our future and 3 boys..to our baby. What man doesnt exhaust all avenues to keep his family together before calling it quits..
I've been hung over for the past year and a half on my ex (yes I know that is a LONG time) constantly replaying in my head the events that lead up to me ending the relationship, wondering what I could have done or said differently. For the past year and a half i've had this internal turmoil, like hell in my own mind and no one knows. I initiated the breakup and I began to want that relationship back, unfortunately she had already moved on to a new relationship. Perhaps it was a combination of this attachment injury and the fact that I could no longer have her that has been so devastating to me physically and mentally. I know something is wrong me with so i've finally started looking for answers and these videos have really helped honestly. For the first time in months i've had peace of mind and I cherish the moment. Thank you so much Alan
Alan - This has been more helpful than you could know. Thank you so very much. I am a survivor of a family of origin that was severely dysfunctional and only recently learned was impacted by Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I believe of my five FOO members, I was the only one who got out alive. But I did not get out unscathed. I suffer some pretty major wounds. This 'Longing' is definitely one, and for the reasons you describe - Emotional, verbal and mental abuse caused by a Narcissistic Parent made life growing up completely unstable. Self-assuredness, self-esteem, etc. have constantly played a role in my relationships with others, especially one person from my past. It has been maddening for me at times. But now I see what this actually is - A result of an Attachment Trauma. I've got more work ahead of me. But I now see what I am working on. Thank you.
Thanks for the comment GF. Sounds like you have more clarity. Good for you. Thanks for watching the video. If you find value in the videos, then you will find continued value in the membership community with the 8-week program of thematic, group discussions that I created. The community is somewhat new. I welcome you into the group if you think it's the right fit. Please learn more by checking out this info page. Details to register are on the page as well. Thanks so much for your comment and kind words. I"m glad the content resonates. alanrobarge.clickfunnels.com/register
You have great information and a calming and compassionate voice,. You provide an easy practical explanation in order for your audience to relate and to understand, and at the same time you have worked on yourself with the same healing journey that you share with us today. These are the things we cannot even speak about even to our narcissist siblings or old parents.
I have just discovered your channel and it is so liberating! It’s exactly what I’ve been looking to explain my behavior. You’ve done more for me in a few videos than a year in therapy! Thank you for your content!
This is my second video of yours I have seen. Thank you for appearing on my TH-cam suggested videos! I just wish I had heard all this back in 1974! I’ll continue to watch all your videos. Yes, it’s hard work...... sad and devastating work. But I’m hoping the reward is achievable: being at peace with myself, by myself, alone-not lonely. 🙏🏻❤️
I hear you. Longing can be a challenging emotion. Glad this is helpful. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn more about what is fueling the longing, then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
My world, welcome to it. This video really explained the intense loneliness I've been experiencing for the last year. Thank you for the work you are doing.
You literally give the most in depth explanations. I’ve never felt so understood when listening to your videos. You put all my thoughts and feelings into words. Thank you ☺️
Felicia, thank you for the kind feedback. I'm glad to hear my videos have been helpful for you. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again.
Alan, I cannot thank you enough. You’re so incredibly skilled and experienced at this. This has been so very helpful!! I’ve been working on deep inner work for many years. I’m also a qualified holistic therapist but despite having a lot of understanding I’ve been really stuck on this one aspect and was not fully understanding why the deep inner work was working but there was a missing piece and this is it. Thank you so much 🙏 I can now also put this into context in other areas of my life too. Just this morning I was reflecting on how even though despite some very recent big achievements in my business I have still been experiencing the “not enough” feeling. I now know this is my inner child. Wow what a revelation. It’s quite phenomenal how even despite many years of self work it’s still playing out. I really like how you teach and am very pleased to have found you. This is advanced stuff and so needed. You’re amazing ❤️
This video is the most important and accurate video I have watched given my current situation. I was dumped in September 2018 by my girlfriend of two years, she was there for me when my mother died January 2017, the trauma attachment is there from that event. The manor in which she dumped me was callus and cruel, she was mentally abusive and my mind knows I deserve better, however, even though I know there is no way i can be with her again my longing and missing her is unbearable, I have insomnia and suffering from depression as a result. I have seen numerous therapists where I am able to vent and release thoughts that haunt me everyday. To make matters harder she moved on to a new relationship a month after we split and I found out this over christmas, it was devastating and the thoughts and longing became more intense, it is now March and I am still going in circles. All is not lost, i have amazing friends and family for support, I will overcome these feelings in time but all I want right now is relief as you say, I just want to heal and work on me. i hope this comment finds you, or someone else can relate, we live in a time where expressing ones' feelings is now excepted and I welcome any source of comfort for this, more than 2 hours sleep would help too!
Why people we love choose to be cold, cruel and cowardly (I have to add the third adjective to yours) is beyond me. I wish someone would explain that, because that's what hurts so deeply.
Molly A. Badgett there should be a video on why our loved ones treat us this way! After I was dumped, my ex told me she spoke to me like dirt because she cared for me??! It’s a bizarre way to show affection, I think it stems from a lack of attention from childhood, manifested onto the relationship
I just wanted to say thank you so much for being vulnerable and also talking about your personal experience. For some reason personally, it really drove your point home because you know what it feels like you've gone through the same situations and you're sharing what's worked for you to stop these intrusive thoughts (both as a professional and someone who's gone through it). I really appreciate it thank you.
I wish you could do just an overview of attachment trauma and theory video, Alan. Thank you for all of your magnificent and life changing content. I would have never made it through this summer, mending after a very difficult breakup, without watching your videos nearly every day.
Alan...where have you been the last 20 years?! I get it, finally, I have some insight into why I feel/think so topsy turvy and, at times, obsess over him, him, him, knowing that I in fact initiated the break up. Thank you so much for posting this video!
You are literally the only person in my 32 years of life that explains what I experience, so well. I know this video is old but I’m gobbeling up every single thing you posted. Thank you
Thanks for the supportive comment and for valuing my videos. It's good to know how impactful this content is for you. I am so glad to hear you receive benefit from my work. If you'd like to learn more about The Four Attachment Distress Responses, check out the quiz below. It is a great introduction to this topic. And please consider joining us in the membership community. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You're invited to contribute to the great conversations happening there. Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful. Take The Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for sharing how helpful this video was for you. It's always great to hear because it's affirming when others connect with what we share. I remember when this topic came up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's awesome how much we learn from each other. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Your videos have answered so many questions! I'm in my 50's.. It's so sad that I wasted years because of this.. I'm Soo sad but happy for your answers!!!
Excellent info thank you 😀 I'm in the process of leaving a 15 year relationship with a narcissist. Over the past year I've been intentionally teaching myself to detach and not allow guilt or shame enter my mind . It's a very dysfunctional relationship and hopeless . This has forced me to look at my own healing and my own attachment trauma . Yes it's very difficult but it can be done .
Hi A M, I agree that the subject content of this video is "excellent." Fifteen yrs. is a long time to cope with a narcissist personality type. Totally understand the steps you're going through to detach without allowing "guilt or shame" to take place. I admire your courage to "take the bull by the horn" & end a toxic situation. And I hear your hopelessness. I, too, had a on/off relationship with a covert narcissist which lasted for approx. 13 yrs. Numerous x's I felt guilty about something I said or didn't say that caused him to leave for wk.-mo. @ a time. Currently 3 mo. no contact. However, I still have ruminating, nagging thoughts about him. Finally, I too got the message loud & clear. We have to look @ our own issues that has abuse in many forms as the basis for the problem. I hope we both can remain true to ourselves, hold ourselves steadfast & not return to a psychologically damaging relationship. Thoughts and hope...
This is soooooo on point. As I wad listening, it made me think of the relationship between myself and a guy friend and my mom and I. In fact, dayum near all of my relationships are/have been trauma bonds. I'm mostly always alone, but I've been holding on to these connections due to fear of further isolation. Honestly, I think I now realize isolation is healthier than remaining in unhealthy attachments. Thank you!!!
Thank you for your comment. I hear you. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community Also, Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Alan you are a gift to us all!! What an intelligent man! Sums it up so perfectly and always with pointers on how to overcome these destructive patterns! Thank you!!!
Thank you Alan hearing this has really put things into perspective for me. This has been my complete thought process around a relationship that I have been in for over nearly twenty years. I can finally close this chapter of my life and start a new chapter with myself and finally get some awareness around who I am and finally give myself what I truly deserve. And start to heal from all my trauma 🙏🏻
Glad my work speaks to you. Thank you for the meaningful comment and thank you for valuing my effort. Good to hear you are finding new awareness. If you haven't already heard about it, this topic also comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow! This is spot on. Thank you. I have always wondered why some breakups are so hard, even in a bad relationship! Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge in this important matter!
Kelly, I am glad this material resonates with you. If you would like to deepen your understanding of attachment distress, please consider entering the conversation in the online membership community I started. You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating. Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Correctly going thru this now. Really appreciate this knowledge❤️👏🏽 Also a feeling of relief that I’m not going crazy & that other people are going thru the same thing.
Ha, at last some clarity! At a point l thought there was something wrong with me when l experienced this behaviour patterns. It's so exhausting!!. I knew this intrusive thinking was not healthy but l had no idea what to about it. Alan, it's as if you are right in my head reading all the brain fireworks and translating what they all mean to me. I feel like l just had church with you!!!!. Really appreciate your in depth knowledge in this very confusing of human relating dynamics. GOLD AWARD TO YOU!
Dear Alan, thank you for producing all this valuable content. I've suffered from attachment trauma in my relationships to the extent that it has hijacked my life and made me deeply sad, even when other things were going well. I now grieve all my past relationships with the concepts you present and hopefully healing will naturally come. Thank you, again!
Yes, that's true it is hard work and self-commitment. Thank you for letting me know my videos are helpful. Many people find benefit learning new relating skills with others. It's like how it's always better to have "gym buddies" to go the gym with. In the Improve Your Relationships Community members are encouraged to create their own Self-Directed Healing plans. You get to decide your healing focus. Members have reported learning quickly through sharing and having conversations. You're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
After childhood trauma, I was so determined to make my marriage work, I stayed in this horrible situation for 39 years and kept getting further traumatized by husband and his subtly toxic family. I could have used this information many years ago and even though I am now in a new relationship of 13 years, I have just in the past month forgiven myself for breaking up my first marriage, not the husband but the marriage. Thanks for your videos.
Excellent video Alan. I went through this a few years ago. I instigated the end, then fell to pieces thinking I had made a massive mistake. Being aware of what our brain is telling us, or even how it’s tricking us, is the first step on a long road of recovery. I’ve so moved on from the person, but every so often intrusive thoughts still try to sabotage what I’ve achieved. I’ve learned to recognise those thoughts as meaningless intrusive thoughts.
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Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Dissociation
Thankyou 🦋
How do you know so much about me when I never met you geez lol 🎯
ur quiz isn't working
The longing distorts reality and make us believe that we really need to be with that person.
Ed P. That right there is the truth
Words to live by..
How do you stop it ugh fml
Bingo!💯
Not longing for the person, but longing for the comfort 🙏❤
It was such a “whoa” moment.
Yea...that saying for me in my feels
Yeeeeeessssssss
This comment says it all.
Yes
The longing is so intense...and it feels like it's just always and forever been a part of me and my inner existence.
So resonating with what you said Lisa!
I relate 100%
I'm so sorry. I know that feeling..I hope you come to love yourself and feel whole. It is possible!
I’m in it right now!!! I miss my girl so much I can’t stop thinking about her..
I feel you
This is so real. AP male here and walked away from an FA woman. I’ve gone no contact and moved to a new town. Had to get away from the anxious avoidant trap. My abandonment wound from childhood is lit like a Christmas tree. I refuse to reach out but the grief and rumination is horrific. I’ve sobbed from my core for three days straight. Can barely get off the couch. This is so real. I’m just “sitting with it”. Thank you Alan. Been listening to your videos all weekend
Empathy to you. Sounds painful. Wishing you self-gentleness.
I hope you're doing well. You've given me motivation to sit with the pain of it, through your comment as well. Wishing you strength. Thank you for sharing what you're going through.
It is longing for loving relationship and to be seen & loved as we are & for some of us it is the best relationship we have ever had even though it wasn't healthy one.
I am aiming to heal my wounded inner child & to learn to be happy alone & if I happen to meet someone I can be happy with, brilliant, if not,that would be fine too.
I am now going to appreciate me & will not stay with anyone who doesn't feel the same.
this is healing
This is exactly what I suffer from. Obsession, intrusive thoughts I cannot control. Thank you so much for this video.
you're not alone.
i wake up and the buzz from these thoughts is already on.
@@rsmpride8267 Wow... I thought I was all alone thank you so much Alan you are so helpful!!!
You are not your thoughts, you are not your mind. You are the awareness that is aware of them. That is where we must learn to find our security. The rest, is memories replying and hijacking your true self which is already free of fear and of lack.
Alan, so well explained. I’ve experienced the same phenomenon, ending a relationship because I knew I deserved more than crumbs intellectually but then my mind flipped the script that he was rejecting me. I so appreciate your explanation of the mirroring of my trauma, it explains a lump in my throat I’ve had for as long as I can recall. Thank you for all of your work!
Suzanne M same here
Wow that’s exactly what I go through as well. Glad to know I’m not the only one.
I hope to get to this place of where my mind will triumph over the irrational two year old tantrum that is my heart, sadly my most illogical organ that doesn’t know self respect or boundaries. The heart wants what the heart wants. I’m so happy this video was made, the content insightful. Like so many others I want relief. I hope to get there and help others who might be in this awful stuck place someday.
So right!! The intensity of longing makes us tell ourselves this MUST be LOVE!! If it hurts so bad to break up it must be love, so you go back, and you accept crumbs for a relationship or you become friends with benefits, and tell yourself it's ok.
Thanks for watching. Yes, we oftentimes end up in cycles and patterns that we want to change and know that we should change. This is an important topic that deserves attention and conversation.
My course The Four Attachment Distress Responses discusses in-depth how behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
Learn more about this course by taking the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Like listening to my own behaviors being described. I have been looking for this info for a long time, THANK YOU for sharing this! What a gift!
You are welcome. Glad it resonates. I too am like you that when I stumbled upon the info that mirrored my experience it was quite satisfying, affirming, and even freeing. I appreciate the feedback. Thank you.
You are a gift from Universe to us, Mr. Robarge!
Thank you Alan for sharing insight. I am in a similar situation as you described in the video. What should I do?
Same here
Exactly like that. Wow.
I have ended rotten relationships and repeatedly gone back to them!! I feel like I am being rejected when I reject them!! Thank you for explaining why I do this.
This is me :(
Me too... Finally i know what I've been doing all these years!!
The physical pain I feel in my chest, although psychosomatic, feels incredibly real and distracting, sometimes debilitating. And I definitely relate to your example of how I react to ending unhealthy relationships. It's quite the mindfuck.
Childhood neglect and attachment trauma led to codependency and desperate need for attention. 20 years later add a large helping of PTSD and the paranoia that came after. I have no hope of fixing myself. I am so screwed up, my longing causes me to always feel unheard and desperate for attention, drives people away. Age of 43, spend most of my life alone because it is safer, and less painful-what a great life, can't wait for it to be over
I hope you can find enough compassion to give it yourself. You deserve to treat yourself kindly. I am doing inner child work and no matter what I don't give up on myself. I don't force myself to be perfect. I am doing my best to love myself unconditionally and protect from anything that can bring me harm, including my own inner & outer critic. I find a lot of helpful information in Pete Walker's book "Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving" can be found in amazon.com Do give yourself enough attention that your child never have had enough. Don't give up on yourself. Age doesn't matter, you're still alive "STOP treating yourself the way abusers treated you" that idiom helped me a lot to overcome abandonment depression etc... Wish you the best! You are not alone. You have yourself. You've come this far, thanks to yourself. You can do it more. Much love to you 💖💖💖
tw perfect explanation! beautiful!
Get involved in CODA. Do it now. Find a Meeting and GROUP to get involved
Augford P. Doggie I hope you let Jesus into your heart and life. He will change everything for the better..
I see no need to enter into anything romantic ever again. Not worth it. I have other close relationships in other aspects of my life.
Its been 1.5 years and I still think about it. What you described is me. Doing the inner work is the only way out. Thank you for being here for us to help.
First time I was longing for almost 5 years, now 4 months longing after 2 month of relationship... This stuff really opens up the eyes... Hope we can all heal from from it thou
Me too :'( This is me everyday. I do all the right things in meditating and listening non-stop to healing podcasts even subliminal stuff. All the cliches out there too put even more pressure on you and you question what the hell is wrong with me.
This is SUCH a powerful and concise teaching. I've watched 4 times now. Thank you Alan, so much. You are blessed with these (hard-earned) insights and understandings.
OMG!! I have the same reaction to ending toxic relationships as you had!!!!!! I thought I was the only one unlucky enough to experience this!!!!! When I have ended relationships that I knew were unhealthy for me I would take the steps to end it and a short time after start to feel like they abandoned me and that would set off a series of unhealthy reactions within me!! I would try and get them to come back so my brain would stop thinking IT had just been abandoned!!! thanks for all your videos!!! they are so helpful!!!!
Donna Perry Same for me I already felt emotionally abandoned and lonely in the relationship but after I've had enough of the humiliation and said I break up I'd beg them back eventually even though they were totally ok with the breakup themselves and did not want to change anything to make things actually work. That would just cause me to compromise more and more of my needs each time it happened and made the relationship more toxic.
Damn, this is EXACTLY what I do :(
So true. We end it bc of the neglect. But what we really want is them to be available and nurturing, meed needs. Then when they don't fight for us or even blonk an eye it's tripple wammy abandonment. I also go running back to where i already determined was unsafe and not enough. It's sad. a@justynawisniewska1213
You've just described what I've been trying to explain for a very long time. I experience deep pain in my chest, total panic, total abandonment and rejection; I feel like the only relief is reaching back out to the person who continously hurts me. Like when they call, even though its usually a toxic conversation, it feels like a 'hit' so to speak. Its so disorienting. 😢
Thank you. I thought I was going mad and was the only person who thought this way. To have a path forward and tools to do that is such a relief!
I appreciate hearing that feedback. Glad this content is helpful for you. Thanks for valuing my work.
If this video is helpful then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
This is how I have been feeling for a few weeks with ending my relationship. Thank you for this video. I am starting to understand who I am and how to handle these triggers. God bless you for helping me.
Empathy to you. Thank you for sharing this video was helpful.
Longing is a topic that comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Until I began healing my anxiousness, I was not even totally aware of how ubiquitous a background longing for an intangible something, or perhaps times that didn't even ever really exist was. And it's been surreal for it to begin to evaporate. Not to mention extremely peaceful and grounding
This is intense, and your efforts are saving lives, Alan. Thank you.
Its unreal how much this fits my problem. I was sure, that i'm just crazy and nobody can help me. I'm thinking about my first love (from almost 20 years ago) every day since about 2 years and I just can't stop. I cried about this and tried everything. Thank you for making these videos.
Glad this video resonates. Many of us can relate.
I remember when this topic was mentioned in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The conversation was similar to your comment. If you haven't heard about the Community learn more by taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
This is one of the best ones that I've seen yet! I'm going to end up watching all of your videos - I just know it 😊 I'm coming up on 17 (SEVEN.TEEN!!!) years in a marriage to someone that I knew wasn't right for me. I knew it! But, I was a 24 year old girl working through her traumas from childhood and didn't know that my attachment traumas were the driving force behind my choice to lock it down for life with someone that I thought that "the love would eventually come." He is a good guy in a lot of ways. He's never hit me, only once has he called me a derogatory name, no drug or alcohol issues, and he's an incredibly hard worker. But, he's the most emotionless distant and non-self-aware person that I've ever known. Of course, with my attachment issues, I long for connection. (I'm an INFP, so I definitely love connection.) He gets upset with me over it. Like, he can stonewall for daaaays, and weeks or months if need be. The times that he's legit nicest to me is when he thinks that I'm leaving. (Possible hoovering?) We don't touch. We don't kiss. He controls the finances and tells me to keep my "hands out of it" (he's not into budgeting and I'm more of a Dave Ramsey kind of girl). Birthdays and anniversaries are not relevant to him. He absolutely refuses to pay for me to finish my college degree and will not say a word, stonewalling, when I try to talk about it. (I want to go to school to be a psychologist, preferably working with children and teens.) We live within a 5 mile radius of his entire immediate family and he has the bare bare bare minimum to do with them. His dad has cancer right now and he calls (calls, now. Again, we live about 2 miles from them) once a week and takes our children to see him once a week. And he will say that he thinks we have a good marriage! Watching your videos has opened my eyes to the fact (from my point of view) that while his behaviors aren't necessarily excusable, where am I to blame in this? Because I stay and expect him to be someone that he's not. That I'm wanting him to change to meet my needs (and I have begged him to so many times). Oh, that profound realization hurt! In one video, you said something along the lines of, "You just want to b***h." I was like, "Hold up! Dude's crossed the line!," but something told me to just keep watching, to keep listening. Them it all fit together! This is ME hanging, clinging on to something in someone who is who HE IS and if he wanted to change, he would. (Tying in to your video about "he's not going to change.") I realize now that the whole foundation for this relationship, this marriage has been me trying to get my needs met because of my father abandoning me and because I was sexually abused as a little girl and then my violent, drug addict stepfather (that my mom started seeing when I was 13 and he beat both of us) hated me and couldn't wait to kick me out and started trying to do so when I turned 16. I left home when I was 17. I was neglected and abused in some form or fashion my entire childhood and constantly felt worthless and like I was in everyone's way. My 24 year old, single mother self subconsciously thought that I could surely make this man love me like I deserve to be loved and that would thereby validate me and heal all of my wounds! Ummmmmm, NO. ✋🚫 Oh, "if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't dive in, I wouldn't bow down." (Thank you, Katy Perry, for the magnificent song, 'Wide Awake'!) I've learned so much from your videos (some that I've replayed over and over and over until the message sunk in) and recommend them to anyone who has attachment traumas (a term that I hadn't heard of until you). I had to keep an open mind and let my defenses down so that I could be open to what you're trying to teach us about our personal responsibility in all of this. I had to remember one of my favorite quotes, 'I did then what I knew how to do. Once I knew better, I did better." Thank you for helping me to know better. Now, it's time for me to do better. God bless you and your amazing gift for helping me get to the root of the root of my relationship issues so that I can move on to living my best life with an awareness of my wounds and a fresh perspective of how I love and accept love based off of them.. Now, I'm off to watch another video! 💕
Dana Hinson you are so self aware. Psychology? Absolutely yes you should!
exactly. boundaries.when you are with someone who does not respect them, they become like your parent. even when we are good with rejection, when it comes from THAT person, your partner in life, it is pretty unbearable. next level!
i'm doing ifs therapy... meeting your videos is huge because you are the first specialist i've ever met and even the commentators words give me a wonderful feeling of relief that i;m not alone!!!!! thank you. i've known about this for years but never heard anybody talk about it.
I appreciate the feedback. Thanks for letting me know this content is helpful for you.
Thank you so much for this , the longing to go back to my ex partner who was abusive was overwhelming. Logically I knew it was from childhood but you have explained it so well. It’s not him I am longing for it’s a part of childhood that needs to be healed and resolved. I’m so delighted I have found you on TH-cam and thank you so much for the wealth of knowledge you are sharing on here .. your one of the best on trauma attachment I have come across
Glad this video sparked reflection for you. Great insight. I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my efforts to offer quality content.
This is the kind of unpacking we do in the Improve Your Relationships Community Program. Some members have been there for over four years now. You may like participating in these kinds of conversations:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
You're intensely so so SMART, YOU'VE STUDIED THIS AND KNOW IT, FRONT AND BACK. I'M speechless with this knowledge. Thank you.
It's like hearing my own self out loud. I have been beating my head on a wall for the last 4 years. Thank you for the video. My counselor thanks you too
The best presentation of attachment problems on TH-cam. Thank you!
Alan, you are an angel in a human body. You are the modern Freud of physiology. Thanks so much for all your support and wisdom as to why we do what we do.
This is very helpful. Excellent work, thank you.
I bumped into this channel 3 years ago, coming out of what I now know was a toxic and abusive relationship, and I was floored by withdrawal. Here I am again after a year of an even more intense yet more abusive and crazy-making relationship, with someone ( I know its overused) Who is probably pretty high on the narcissistic scale. It was the most magical yet terrifying relationship I have ever had, not counting my mother. So I am back, but it’s not the same, the work I have done in the last three years shows, but it seems I needed another kick in the face to really dig deep, connect the dots, take responsibility, and get ready for another layer of healing. I am now in a much closer connection with my body, and what it’s trying to tell me. I have decided to detox from relationships for at least six months, and carry on my healing work, I highly recommend “Pete Walker’s: the Tao of fully feeling”. A Great book on childhood trauma, and healing it. At first I was terrified to break up with this person, even though I did know that she was going to destroy me on the long run, but now I get more and more of myself back every day, my creativity, my power, my agency, my freedom, my friends and relatives, and most importantly my children. Anyway this was the equinox of all that crappy, childhood related messed up relationships I have had. Enough is enough, I will never betray myself again like this. I have just turned 49 by theway. This road is difficult, but very rewarding and liberating. I wish all the best to you, and a lot courage. Oh, and don’t forget to set boundaries. :)
I honestly think you are one of the most knowledgeable and articulate people when it comes to explaining some of these types of behaviors we all experience. I want to thank you for sharing your knowledge with those of us who are suffering.
Alan, I wish to offer you my sincere thanks for posting this video. I found this today, right in the middle of what is a breakthrough after 46 years of pain. I have been seeking clarity and pattern changing for many years, after my children were hurt by a former partner. Along with appropriate legal measures, I sought to resolve whatever emotional issues had meant I was in the wrong relationships in the first place. Having been forced to live with my mother as part of the fallout, I was triggered in many issues from childhood - including her abuse and abandonment of my brothers and myself. Your explanation was clear, and I finally had the lightbulb realisation that attachment trauma had affected my complete sense of self. It has been very painful facing the subsequent abuse by one of her partners, and linking that to the insidious expectation of mistreatment which I carried through all my adult relationships. I Don't want my children to suffer the same fate, so I'm focused on the three of us healing. Sadly other members of my family don't support this, or wish to do any inner work on themselves and have cut me loose - very painful indeed, but hopefully ultimately freeing. I was struck by the honesty with which you spoke about your own experiences and will be watching your other videos too. Thank you.
This is absolutely exactly what I experience and have experienced. I initiate the separation the distance and then I feel rejected and sad! It is crazy!
Wow. I cried listening to this.
I'm 53 Alan. And you just helped me 100 % so grateful and thank you. X
I'm 34, I just found out I have preoccupied attachment in relationships and fearful attachment with my parents. My whole life I believed that people were being manipulative, I I believed that my intense feelings of love (in a short space of time) were real. I thought that rumination was normal and that I was just unlovable. I didn't realise that these feelings were due to an attachment injury. It's been a roller-coaster the past few days after finding this out. It's going to be a long road 🙏
That intense pain of feeling abandoned is an echo of the inner child feeling abandoned by their parent. Those reeling thoughts are really a panic to the occuring situation. This makes so much sense. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on it. I'm so glad I found your channel. Like REALLY glad. I spent my whole life feeling guilty for being weird. Now I know it's just processes playing out. It is so much easier to deal with it now. I truly feel liberated. ps. I like the painting you have there in the background. I swear I was paying attention, just couldn't help but notice it, it's so pretty.
omg Alan, Im sitting here bawling. This touched places in me I think I knew about but didnt understand or acknowldege. I have SO MUCH work to do on me. Just where to even begin.....:( thanks for posting this. So very eye opening for me.
Sandi Donnally I feel the EXACT same way! It’s just layer upon layer of insult to injury. Of course as a child we have no clue how to resolve the pain and trauma. But now there are tools and people that can facilitate us helping ourselves. Look up Louise Hay on here and “the holistic psychologist” I’ve attracted handsome, intelligent, partners before. I can attract even better once I’m on the path to healing. You can too. Don’t give up!! 😊
i wish i had found your video sooner. i never knew i had this trauma, even after having been through 2 courses of therapy! i felt i would die when my husband recently dumped me after 12 years. i have keep it together, do not ask me how. i thank you ever so much!
Me too. sometimes therapy is useless. sometimes the therapist isn't experienced enough or just don't care. I say self help is the best. no man's an island and we all need help and while self helping you may meet helpers along the way . therapy isn't always helpful . It all depends on how experienced the therapist is
Hi Jennif S,
Recently came across Alan's channel & your words caught my attention.
I hope you are doing better. It must have been extremely difficult to go through your situation with your husband.
You are fortunate to have kept it together. Sometimes it's a matter of stamina, support & videos like this to enable us to cope.
Best wishes!
how are you doing now
@@tigerprint7960 Thank you for caring. Doing better after no contact. Self help is working for me, and crying it all out with Alan's videos. I think the key is to slow way down, and expect nothing except putting one foot in front of the next, and to keep breathing. Salt baths are good too.
My longing is for closure. The trauma from broken relationships plagues me to this day. I'm doing what I can to recover on my own, but damn it, it would help so much if I could get some kind of closure from the other people who were involved. Some part of me wants to make things right, and reconnect with these people, but at the end of the day I just want closure. I want to move on and have good relationships and leave my pain behind. I've dealt with the intrusive obsessive thinking for so long, I'm exhausted with it. I want to heal, it's just very difficult. Change comes so slowly, and I know having healthy relationships will serve me better than trying to salvage broken damaging and traumatic relationships in the long run.
Amazing video. I am just now understanding attachment trauma and how I've been suffering with it through 7 breakups over 3 decades. You are correct... the remuneration can last months..... it's hellish. Wish I'd known about this ages ago. Thank you thank you thank you.
Same here... 2nd time I'm experiencing the same thing.. Knowledge is power indeed
@@Tutume1111 I'm so sorry. Ditto on feeling this again. Even through all of my therapy, with EMDR, CBT, and somatic therapy, I'm scared chitless to get involved again. I keep getting asked out on dates and I'm shuddering at the thought of going through it again after being ghosted by my last heart destruction, even though it was long ago. I'm afraid of the looping again!!!
@@fernyfern5300 what I have learnt is making self love a daily practice, putting myself first with men and from now on making sure it a man who invests into me more than I do.. Its about changing our behavioural habits I believe
@@Tutume1111 I don't date men I'm a lesbian so I don't know anything about that;)
Thanks Alan, I recently initiated the end of a relationship with my old pal. I was getting obsessed about him too much but I got so depressed, sick, shivering after ending it. I started to long for him after 2 days and started sending him text messages as if l am the victim. I felt so lonely and abandoned.. I am getting better now. I always long for him because I felt some form of comfort, love, cuddling etc when ever I talk to him but now I know it's not about him but about my childhood attachment injury. Thanks
This sounds painful, I hear you. Also this sounds like helpful insight. Thank you for commenting.
This has come at the perfect time for me. I went back and forth in a what started loving relationship turned bad, basically I got out of denial and became the enemy! Ive no contact now for a long time but the pain, thoughts etc would not go away. I'd get clear and wonder why I needed to reconnect when I don't even like him! I knew it was childhood trauma but no clue as to how to heal. Having done lots of stuff to gradually free myself I feel its working at last. your video explains it all in a clear concise manner and I finally get it. My journey which I will continue in taking care of my little child, for me is the answer. Thank you so much for this you are truly heaven sent.
I went through the exact same thing. I don't know how to do the inner child work yet though. I'm still longing for him even though I know his wrong for me and was using me.
What did you do to recover?
Nine minutes in when you start talking about I need that connect with this person. I need to connect with this person and repeat it again and again and again. that is me 100% ! These videos are gold ! And you my friend are a saint
Thank you for the kind words. Glad my work brings you value. I hear you about those moments where we keep repeating it again and again.
It's so important to keep talking about this. Many of us can relate. This conversation comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
You’re so good at revealing the root of my illogical feelings- they’re not so illogical
You just explained so clearly something I’ve been trying to resolve within myself for nearly 30 years. Thank you!
Glad to hear this video offered clarity. Thank you for letting me know this video was helpful. If this content is helpful then you may also benefit from taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Thanks again for your comment.
Here's the link.
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I was aware it was the ache of loneliness I was feeling rather than the person... I knew I was seeking comfort to sooth the withdrawal of up the daily comfort I had. When I would consider contacting the person I am no longer with, I got a “big no” from my body - and I listened to that. This video is just what I needed: to realize it is my childhood trauma bond needing to be healed and comforted. Great realization.
Thank you!
SAME. I credit maturing from somatic healing (yoga) with tuning me in despite those urges.
@@ebutuoywrw I'm actually in trauma focused somatic therapy by two psychologists ( I do yoga too). I've been crying and reacting to things I never thought possible and releasing all of this trauma stored in my body. It's incredibly painful, exhausting to the point it's bringing on massive atypical migraines, but I'm progressing and healing finally!! I wish you well.
@@fernyfern5300 Oh all the best, I betcha those headaches are the brain making new connections ;) You are growing a new way to be fully you with a bright future! I was having headaches too now I drink 3000 ml of water each day, installed water filter under the sink. Here's to a new era of health and happiness to you
@@ebutuoywrw thanks Bill!! I'm a completely straight edge person who does not drink or use drugs or any of that. I drink water and green tea and that is it with a lot of veggies during the day. I run a lot and do yoga too, and lots of meditation but wow the brain hurt!!! I've had to turn on the GPS sometimes driving home on roads I know well because I can't even see straight, and sometimes I'll also get home and pass out for a good two hours. I'm working my brain hard!!
I had to pause watching this vid as was getting emotional. This all describes me in the smallest detail!im 35 and only now start to realise that what I have been feeling last few months post breakup suffering which by the way I initiated the breakup since the relationship wasn't healthy for me at all and only now I start to understand that is actually all the trauma experiences coming up to the surface... This is the most moving, yet most eye opening vid I have ever watched! Thank you from the botton of my ❤️🙏
this video was more effective than 5 years of therapy. thank you.
Wow!! Almost a year I've been going thru this EXACTLY as you said. It just didn't make any sense to me . I was so confused why I kept finding myself feeling this way over n over n over n over . Exactly that's what we both thought was we had something special and needed to reconcile. I had straight up given up on giving up on our relationship cuz I knew full well there was no way I was going anywhere. Big time intense and just gets stronger and stronger and nothing helps not other people not distractions nothing until you give in and reach back out. Ive been studying psychology and healing trauma ECT for many many yrs. Am so grateful for your channel. No one I've found actually gives content like you do so valuable. Others just state all the problems and what they are but nothing on what to do about it.
Very grateful. Thank you so much for posting these videos with all my heart.
I appreciate you!!!!!! ; *
My mother suffered clinical depression. Low and behold I met a great guy who is goinging through a bad depressive episode. Its triggered all sorts of anxiety in my mind and body. Everything youve said is spot on with me right now. Thanks so much.
Hello - This is the first time I’ve ever realized the complexity and the truth behind my attachment disorder. I am 55 years old and this video really helped greatly. Everything explained here makes perfect sense and finally some lights are coming on inside my mind letting me know that yes this is all very true. Extremely enlightening and helpful for me to know this. It’s comforting to know that I can take the longing and attachment off the actual person and place it where it actually belongs - and also be aware of its origins. Thank you Alan. You have a gift of helping others.
Such great in depth info, my psychologist couldn't even explain this one to me. Thank you Alan for clearing our heads
Extremely helpful Alan! I am going such withdrawls and am now able to see the reality of my feelings which enables me not to go back to a situation that does not either serve or nurture me : )
Samantha, Many of us can relate to this desire to move on and be done with it. We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Answering the "how to" is complex and rooted in many things we do on a daily basis. With the Self-Directed Healing approach I developed, you are in charge of how you engage the material of "how to". Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Like so many others here, I wish I had known this before. Have had the worst episode of my entire life on splitting up with my man who has had a major mid life crisis.
Thank you so much for posting, I thought I had lost my mind.
Me too. I was his queen for 20 years. When i tell u he held me so high, u wouldnt believe it. Then bam. One day he said he needs to be alone. Massive mid life crisis. As now his attractions are for girls 4 years older then our oldest son.. DISGUSTING. now i have ptsd. I cant sleep with out him . How could he do this to our future and 3 boys..to our baby. What man doesnt exhaust all avenues to keep his family together before calling it quits..
@@ericagomez9023 it's a horrible place to be I send my love self love is important now.
I've been hung over for the past year and a half on my ex (yes I know that is a LONG time) constantly replaying in my head the events that lead up to me ending the relationship, wondering what I could have done or said differently. For the past year and a half i've had this internal turmoil, like hell in my own mind and no one knows. I initiated the breakup and I began to want that relationship back, unfortunately she had already moved on to a new relationship. Perhaps it was a combination of this attachment injury and the fact that I could no longer have her that has been so devastating to me physically and mentally. I know something is wrong me with so i've finally started looking for answers and these videos have really helped honestly. For the first time in months i've had peace of mind and I cherish the moment. Thank you so much Alan
Another absolute gem I feel you are one of the best sources of healing on the internet today! Bravo
Alan - This has been more helpful than you could know. Thank you so very much. I am a survivor of a family of origin that was severely dysfunctional and only recently learned was impacted by Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I believe of my five FOO members, I was the only one who got out alive. But I did not get out unscathed. I suffer some pretty major wounds. This 'Longing' is definitely one, and for the reasons you describe - Emotional, verbal and mental abuse caused by a Narcissistic Parent made life growing up completely unstable. Self-assuredness, self-esteem, etc. have constantly played a role in my relationships with others, especially one person from my past. It has been maddening for me at times. But now I see what this actually is - A result of an Attachment Trauma. I've got more work ahead of me. But I now see what I am working on. Thank you.
Thanks for the comment GF. Sounds like you have more clarity. Good for you. Thanks for watching the video. If you find value in the videos, then you will find continued value in the membership community with the 8-week program of thematic, group discussions that I created. The community is somewhat new. I welcome you into the group if you think it's the right fit. Please learn more by checking out this info page. Details to register are on the page as well. Thanks so much for your comment and kind words. I"m glad the content resonates. alanrobarge.clickfunnels.com/register
Alan,you are always so right on ... its miraculous to me. You're such a gift and blessing
You have great information and a calming and compassionate voice,. You provide an easy practical explanation in order for your audience to relate and to understand, and at the same time you have worked on yourself with the same healing journey that you share with us today. These are the things we cannot even speak about even to our narcissist siblings or old parents.
This videos keep me going and probably alive in ways tbh. Thank you
Thank you for acknowledging my effort. Glad it brings benefit.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma you are a blessing to humanity and very much appreciated. Hope you look after yourself, too
I have just discovered your channel and it is so liberating! It’s exactly what I’ve been looking to explain my behavior. You’ve done more for me in a few videos than a year in therapy!
Thank you for your content!
This is my second video of yours I have seen. Thank you for appearing on my TH-cam suggested videos! I just wish I had heard all this back in 1974!
I’ll continue to watch all your videos.
Yes, it’s hard work...... sad and devastating work. But I’m hoping the reward is achievable: being at peace with myself, by myself, alone-not lonely.
🙏🏻❤️
This is one of the best renditions of attachment trauma. You are so insightful. I am grateful to you.
Just broke a short term relationship for valid reasons..this is helpful information for trying to get past the longing for an attachment.
I hear you. Longing can be a challenging emotion. Glad this is helpful. Thank you for valuing my work.
If you'd like to learn more about what is fueling the longing, then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
My world, welcome to it. This video really explained the intense loneliness I've been experiencing for the last year. Thank you for the work you are doing.
Me too love. Im lost
You literally give the most in depth explanations. I’ve never felt so understood when listening to your videos. You put all my thoughts and feelings into words. Thank you ☺️
Felicia, thank you for the kind feedback. I'm glad to hear my videos have been helpful for you. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again.
Alan, I cannot thank you enough. You’re so incredibly skilled and experienced at this. This has been so very helpful!! I’ve been working on deep inner work for many years. I’m also a qualified holistic therapist but despite having a lot of understanding I’ve been really stuck on this one aspect and was not fully understanding why the deep inner work was working but there was a missing piece and this is it. Thank you so much 🙏 I can now also put this into context in other areas of my life too. Just this morning I was reflecting on how even though despite some very recent big achievements in my business I have still been experiencing the “not enough” feeling. I now know this is my inner child. Wow what a revelation. It’s quite phenomenal how even despite many years of self work it’s still playing out. I really like how you teach and am very pleased to have found you. This is advanced stuff and so needed. You’re amazing ❤️
This video is the most important and accurate video I have watched given my current situation.
I was dumped in September 2018 by my girlfriend of two years, she was there for me when my mother died January 2017, the trauma attachment is there from that event. The manor in which she dumped me was callus and cruel, she was mentally abusive and my mind knows I deserve better, however, even though I know there is no way i can be with her again my longing and missing her is unbearable, I have insomnia and suffering from depression as a result. I have seen numerous therapists where I am able to vent and release thoughts that haunt me everyday. To make matters harder she moved on to a new relationship a month after we split and I found out this over christmas, it was devastating and the thoughts and longing became more intense, it is now March and I am still going in circles. All is not lost, i have amazing friends and family for support, I will overcome these feelings in time but all I want right now is relief as you say, I just want to heal and work on me.
i hope this comment finds you, or someone else can relate, we live in a time where expressing ones' feelings is now excepted and I welcome any source of comfort for this, more than 2 hours sleep would help too!
Why people we love choose to be cold, cruel and cowardly (I have to add the third adjective to yours) is beyond me. I wish someone would explain that, because that's what hurts so deeply.
Molly A. Badgett there should be a video on why our loved ones treat us this way! After I was dumped, my ex told me she spoke to me like dirt because she cared for me??! It’s a bizarre way to show affection, I think it stems from a lack of attention from childhood, manifested onto the relationship
Omg your words are surgical instruments so precise and making clean incisions into my broken childhood and current non functional relationships
You hit this nail on the head. The actual pain is a need for comfort for a particular "longing" that occurred in the past
I just wanted to say thank you so much for being vulnerable and also talking about your personal experience. For some reason personally, it really drove your point home because you know what it feels like you've gone through the same situations and you're sharing what's worked for you to stop these intrusive thoughts (both as a professional and someone who's gone through it). I really appreciate it thank you.
I wish you could do just an overview of attachment trauma and theory video, Alan. Thank you for all of your magnificent and life changing content. I would have never made it through this summer, mending after a very difficult breakup, without watching your videos nearly every day.
Thank you so much. Just knowing what it is makes it so much better.
Alan...where have you been the last 20 years?! I get it, finally, I have some insight into why I feel/think so topsy turvy and, at times, obsess over him, him, him, knowing that I in fact initiated the break up. Thank you so much for posting this video!
You are literally the only person in my 32 years of life that explains what I experience, so well. I know this video is old but I’m gobbeling up every single thing you posted. Thank you
Thanks for the supportive comment and for valuing my videos. It's good to know how impactful this content is for you. I am so glad to hear you receive benefit from my work. If you'd like to learn more about The Four Attachment Distress Responses, check out the quiz below. It is a great introduction to this topic. And please consider joining us in the membership community. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You're invited to contribute to the great conversations happening there. Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
Take The Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Someone finally made sense of what my mind does. Hallelujah. This has been incredibly helpful.
I cannot tell you how much this video helped me. Thank you. ❤
Thank you for sharing how helpful this video was for you. It's always great to hear because it's affirming when others connect with what we share. I remember when this topic came up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's awesome how much we learn from each other. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Your videos have answered so many questions! I'm in my 50's.. It's so sad that I wasted years because of this.. I'm Soo sad but happy for your answers!!!
Im also in my 50s and feel sad that I too didnt understand what was happening or how to work on it until now. Wish Id known sooner...
I think I’m obsessed with Alan lol your work/videos are so spot on and insightful! Thank you!
Excellent info thank you 😀 I'm in the process of leaving a 15 year relationship with a narcissist. Over the past year I've been intentionally teaching myself to detach and not allow guilt or shame enter my mind . It's a very dysfunctional relationship and hopeless . This has forced me to look at my own healing and my own attachment trauma . Yes it's very difficult but it can be done .
Hi A M,
I agree that the subject content of this video is "excellent." Fifteen yrs. is a long time to cope with a narcissist personality type.
Totally understand the steps you're going through to detach without allowing
"guilt or shame" to take place. I admire your courage to "take the bull by the horn" & end a toxic situation. And I hear your hopelessness.
I, too, had a on/off relationship with a covert narcissist which lasted for approx. 13 yrs. Numerous x's I felt guilty about something I said or didn't say that caused him to leave for wk.-mo. @ a time. Currently 3 mo. no contact. However, I still have ruminating, nagging thoughts about him.
Finally, I too got the message loud & clear. We have to look @ our own issues that has abuse in many forms as the basis for the problem. I hope we both can remain true to ourselves, hold ourselves steadfast & not return to a psychologically damaging relationship.
Thoughts and hope...
This is soooooo on point. As I wad listening, it made me think of the relationship between myself and a guy friend and my mom and I. In fact, dayum near all of my relationships are/have been trauma bonds. I'm mostly always alone, but I've been holding on to these connections due to fear of further isolation. Honestly, I think I now realize isolation is healthier than remaining in unhealthy attachments.
Thank you!!!
This is very sophisticated work, thank you
I cried through this whole video. I'm am struggling with this very thing. My eyes have been opened and I hope I can find peace.
Thank you for your comment. I hear you. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Also, Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Alan you are a gift to us all!! What an intelligent man! Sums it up so perfectly and always with pointers on how to overcome these destructive patterns! Thank you!!!
You're welcome. Thank you for the kind words.
Thank you for un- riddling this deeply complex riddle i can discern what i can and cannot trust. Life changing information.
Alan, your way of explaining is simply brilliant!
Alan, your experience of NOW being the victim is fascinating. Proof of your premise of reliving the original Attachment.
Thank you Alan hearing this has really put things into perspective for me. This has been my complete thought process around a relationship that I have been in for over nearly twenty years. I can finally close this chapter of my life and start a new chapter with myself and finally get some awareness around who I am and finally give myself what I truly deserve. And start to heal from all my trauma 🙏🏻
Glad my work speaks to you. Thank you for the meaningful comment and thank you for valuing my effort. Good to hear you are finding new awareness.
If you haven't already heard about it, this topic also comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow! This is spot on. Thank you. I have always wondered why some breakups are so hard, even in a bad relationship! Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge in this important matter!
Kelly, I am glad this material resonates with you. If you would like to deepen your understanding of attachment distress, please consider entering the conversation in the online membership community I started. You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating. Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Correctly going thru this now. Really appreciate this knowledge❤️👏🏽
Also a feeling of relief that I’m not going crazy & that other people are going thru the same thing.
Ha, at last some clarity! At a point l thought there was something wrong with me when l experienced this behaviour patterns. It's so exhausting!!. I knew this intrusive thinking was not healthy but l had no idea what to about it.
Alan, it's as if you are right in my head reading all the brain fireworks and translating what they all mean to me. I feel like l just had church with you!!!!. Really appreciate your in depth knowledge in this very confusing of human relating dynamics. GOLD AWARD TO YOU!
Mirroring. Unresolved childhood issues being projected. Genius 👌 thank you
Dear Alan, thank you for producing all this valuable content. I've suffered from attachment trauma in my relationships to the extent that it has hijacked my life and made me deeply sad, even when other things were going well. I now grieve all my past relationships with the concepts you present and hopefully healing will naturally come. Thank you, again!
Painful to listen to, but I am so grateful, thank you.
Thank you for your videos they have changes my life for the better! Your awesome but this is alot of work to heal!
Yes, that's true it is hard work and self-commitment. Thank you for letting me know my videos are helpful. Many people find benefit learning new relating skills with others. It's like how it's always better to have "gym buddies" to go the gym with. In the Improve Your Relationships Community members are encouraged to create their own Self-Directed Healing plans. You get to decide your healing focus. Members have reported learning quickly through sharing and having conversations. You're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
After childhood trauma, I was so determined to make my marriage work, I stayed in this horrible situation for 39 years and kept getting further traumatized by husband and his subtly toxic family. I could have used this information many years ago and even though I am now in a new relationship of 13 years, I have just in the past month forgiven myself for breaking up my first marriage, not the husband but the marriage. Thanks for your videos.
Excellent video Alan. I went through this a few years ago. I instigated the end, then fell to pieces thinking I had made a massive mistake.
Being aware of what our brain is telling us, or even how it’s tricking us, is the first step on a long road of recovery. I’ve so moved on from the person, but every so often intrusive thoughts still try to sabotage what I’ve achieved. I’ve learned to recognise those thoughts as meaningless intrusive thoughts.
Thanks for the feedback. Glad this content is helpful. Great work processing.