This was me 8 years ago. My wife sat me down and explained that she is miserable because of my miserable attitude because of my job. Basically, you find a new job or a new wife. That lit the fire, I found a different job for the same pay with in 2 years. Flash forward 6 years and I am making way more than I would be in the previous job and our relationship is way better. I am always in a good mood when I come home.
You, JRV, sure solved the root cause to the household misery! Good team-work! It is not the amount you earn - it is the mood you bring home that has made the change. A couple can live a good simple life on a surprisingly low income, if they want to. I think people would be happier if they wanted to learn how to do it with good cheer. It's learnable, it's doable! Just refer back to what really matters. All the best wishes to all of you struggle with mood-challenges! They are not personality issues. There a re practical solutions to them, and you'll find the right once when you open up to finding them!
Love this!!! I actually read it wrong and thought you said teach women that they are. Lol. Yes, from childhood women are taught to be responsible for everyone's feelings and emotions including our own. It's absolutely exhausting. Have you ever noticed how often women say that they're sorry??!
But your husband is part of you. And if my husband don’t feel good I would not feel good. It’s not responsible it’s when you love someone you feel everything and it’s inevitable
@@nata9832 that’s called codependency. When you love someone, you allow them to take responsibility for their own behavior. You may feel their pain emotionally, but you are both responsible (key word here) for your own emotions, projections, and reactions. This woman is trying to fix her husband’s emotional outbursts by taking the blame. None of it is her responsibility, especially since he hasn’t even asked for her to fix it.
My ex-husband used to tell me when he got home from work that he needed some peace. So after I greeted him I let him be. I've already been to work and now get dinner ready. He would still be in his need peace mode by the time dinner was ready. I would start to tell him about my day and he would shut it down. So I wouldn't say anything else. By the time I get ready to go to bed he'd have the audacity to ask me why I don't talk to him.
Girl this hit home big time. Currently going through this and I truly and so done being treated like dirt and feeling like I have to beg my husband to be seen. Things were so different the first 3 years together. Ever since I was diagnosed with MS and I’m physically unable to work FT I’m now seen as some lesser half who doesn’t deserve basic decency and respect.
@BurchBunny drop that loser. I have MS, my husband has been amazing and with me every step of the way, supporting me. This isn't a you problem, it's a him problem. You're better off alone and happy than have to tip toe around a jerk. Cut him lose and be happy.
@@princessamber18Yes! My ex didn’t want any physical intimacy like kisses, hugs, cuddles ever but then couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to be intimate with him after no connection outside of the bedroom.
I hope you told him step by step how he trained you not to speak to him. Then asked : 1. When did he decide that you *are* allowed to speak to him? He has said not to speak with him when he first comes home, not before dinner, not during dinner... When did he decide he doesn't like this after all? 2. When did he make up his mind about *when* you are allowed to speak to him? Did he change his mind about any of his previous instructions to you or did he think of a time when it is OK to open communication with him? Has he even come up with an answer to that, or are you supposed to know by magic when he doesn't? 3. When did he communicate this instead of just shutting down every attempt you made at communication, even today? He has the marriage he repeatedly asked for. ...And which he asked for *again* earlier this evening. " Think it over. I'm not talking with you about this until you take some time to think about what you *want.* If you really want something from me, you can't also keep telling me not to give it to you." Tomorrow, invite me into a conversation. Or not. Don't wait until the day is over and blame me for listening to you when you said (and keep saying) 'Not now, honey, I'm tired.' .... YOU start the conversation next time. " Honestly, I would have probably been flummoxed at his cluelessness and not handled the moment well. I hope that you did better.
I grew up with a father like this. He would argue with all of us and my mom would just let it happen. If it wasn’t a grumpy attitude, it was rage. Now I distance myself intuitively from adults like this.
How can your Mother 'let' your Father argue, or not. His emotions & argumentative nature is his responsibility not your Mother's. Must Mothers be to blame for everything? Why not blame your Father for his miserable ways?!
@@prettydreammy I generally agree that mothers get more than their fair share of blame. But in the case that one parents is mistreating the children, it’s the other parent’s duty to do whatever they can to protect their children and get them out of that situation.
@@queenwhatever5217and then they are blamed by both children, father, family and community for leaving such man. They become overwhelmed because everything is on them, finances suffer, children can't get what they need, they can't get the attention of overworked mom etc. and children suffer because of it.
I prioritise calling my boyfriend when he finishes work because in the 25mins it takes for him to drive home, he is able to vent about his day and get all the negative stuff off his chest. By the time he walks in the door, he feels heard, supported and validated. He vents, I listen. When he arrives home, he is greeted with a smile, a hug and a kiss. If he can slog it out at a job he detests, that’s the very least I can do ❤ This is one of the ways we protect the peace and calm in our home.
My husband and I do a similar thing, he doesn’t so much vent on the call but just talk for a bit, about my day or about plans with the kids etc. it gets him out of work mode and into home/family/relax mode. And then we’re all happy to see him. And if he tracks mud through the house or throws his shirt on the floor.. it’s a small price to pay to clean up, for a great husband and father.
My late husband was always in a bad mood. I thought it was his job because he would complain. Later we found out he was bipolar and had a drinking problem. Rough journey.
That is sad isn't it! My self-centered aka: narcissistic passive aggressive silent critical verbally abusive husband who basically was my , unappreciative, ungrateful third child. He was not a participant in the family nor in our relationship. He was the controller. With me he was soul sucking, blaming me for his failures, did-no-wrong, a victim, grown adult who never engaged as a husband or a father other than to sometimes play with them. The kids saw him as great. I had to 'raise' them. In the 26 years with him I never knew what it was to be seen & cared about even during sex. He didn't hold 'me' during sex. I felt like a piece of meat or a porn photo. I never knew kindness nor 'love'. Yet he looked divine to others. Too much TMI. Sorry for derailing.
I had a job and behaved very negative to people. My friend told me "i don't have room in my life for such a negative person right now. No one wants to be friends with an angry person"".
And there seems to be an unconscious sentiment among some men that anger/rage isn’t an emotion. They’ll believe they aren’t emotional because they don’t let themselves be emotionally vulnerable when upset, but they don’t see the anger they take out on you and the rest of the family as an emotional response. WEIRD.
I own my own company and it is not easy. One thing I require of my girlfriend or wife is that I come home to peace and tranquility. Not a bunch of nagging
@@kenandrieling5885, the Irony is that she is bringing her work into the marriage as soon as he gets home. If sh. is not satisfied right when he gets home what does that say about her
Having a shower as soon as I got home from a previously toxic job immensely helped me not carry that stress and toxicity home. It was like I was washing that place off of me
My partner has an incredibly tense job, he works 80 hours a week, and has problems with management all the time. But you know what happens when he comes home? He walks through the door, gives me a big smile, and says "yes! The best part of my day is finally starting!" If your job is affecting your family that much, your family isn't the priority.
I’ve been married for over 20 years. I don’t tolerate after work venting anymore. I’m not responsible for fixing or absorbing a bad mood. I’m not a garbage dump. However, I love offering advice and support if asked. I don’t feel guilty for setting boundaries to guard my inner peace.
Yeah I used to be all smiles and happy when my husband would come home, till his cheating became PERMANENT in our marriage (of 12 years) I found out the first time when I was 5 months pregnant, and big mistake not leaving then... I am done mentally and emotionally... just waiting for a few more weeks before I call it quits He does not deserve my smiles, my emotions, my loyalty, My dedication or my love. I am done being put down, disrespected, berated and belittled on an almost daily basis especially in front of my 11 years old son
The only advice I can give is don't jump into any new relationships right away. Those types of men can smell you from a mile away. Put your children first.
Please save yourself and your son now. I stayed and now my son treats me as horribly as my husband does. My son learned that it’s ok to act this way. You still have time to give your son a better chance at good adult relationships.
Many times husbands resent their wives for their own choices and turn around and mistreat or abuse their wives. Like if he had a certain dream or goal and couldn’t accomplish it because his wife mysteriously got pregnant and now he has to put his dream on hold or forget it altogether, he’ll blame her.
My husband and I were lucky enough to be able to commute together for a long time. That ride home was so precious for venting, discussing, planning, everything - and then when we got home we were already on the same mental page. We got so much peace at home from that.
My mother worked a job at a church where she had a couple of horrible bosses who constantly disrespected her and who made her job much harder and more stressful than it needed to be. She chose to stay in that job and do it anyway because the church as a whole benefitted. She was very stressed for several years, but she did not take her stress out on her children or her husband. Making other people suffer because you're miserable is not a healthy way to deal with the situation.
As one who grew up with a minister/missionary father, this was very affirming. The constant criticism was such that I was relieved to be sent away to boarding school and did not experience an iota of homesickness. It seems to me that many ministers relish having the God card up their sleeves in order to beat back any challenges. Sadly, it is my opinion that my father's illegitimate interpersoanl style damaged everyone in the household more than it damaged me.
Unfortunately a lot of narcissistic people hide in clergy. They are the wolves in sheep’s clothing the Bible talks about. Sorry that was your experience.
Where are all these happy married couples that society keeps telling us about? Married people are suppose to be happier than single people they tell us yet i see nothing but stressed out married couples like the callers on this show
Happiness is relative. Saying married couples are happier than singles, does not mean married people are always happy ALL the time. It takes work to make a marriage happy and successful, but it can really be worth the work.
I’ve tried this myself explain that my husband‘s energy washes over me and makes me so miserable that I’d rather go live in a cardboard box then spend one more day with him but he’s basically telling me that’s just how he is and won’t go get help get checked for Depression nothing so I am looking to have to leave soon because after 22 years I can’t see the rest of my life looking like this with this dark cloud of gloom over for me .. and I mean everything bothers him even if the dogs bark outside. Or someone cuts their grass. He’s never happy about anything and refuses to count his blessings. I’m out.
unless hes a drinker or drug user, the #1 reason for depression is a marked deficiency of Vit D3, easy fix! take 10,000 iu/VitD3 every day! they are tiny pills, take 10 before bed with sip of water, it helps a LOT and is cheap and easy to do. we keep a small container of 200 pills on our night tables and on our coffee table so we remind ourselves to take it every day; great stuff!
I remember on some tv programme, forget which, the husband had a stressful job. So when he came home he had a ritual of sitting in the car for a few minutes to shake off his work mood before going in to greet his wife and children. I thought that said a lot about his character. A wise but also thoughtful man.
I went through a period where my job was stressing me out hardcore. I was unhappy and not pleasant to be around. I was able to transfer out of the job where I was being taken advantage of to a better group. Now I'm doing much better, much happier, and making more money. I am working to keep getting better. It's a conscious decision.
I needed to hear this. Boyfriend is stressed and has shut down. He's no longer affectionate or loving. He just says he's stressed and is too tired. I try to give him space and support him but it hurts to be in the same room with him and feel so alone. I want someone who doesn't treat me like this just because they can't handle stress.
I live with a divided heart on this. I work from home, and I tend to fit chores around my pomodoro timer breaks. Something about having a tidy, clean, uncluttered home is so lovely to me. My spouse works outside of the home. While I don't mention it, I get so, so tired when our togetherness (which I LOVE!) is taxed by my spouse's messiness. Within 30 minutes of my other half being home, there is crap all over the entrance, crap all over the kitchen table, food wrappers, crumbs and sticky utensils all over the counter and water on the kitchen floor. It's like living with a 14yo boy. I stopped cleaning my spouse's bathroom counter and nightstand years ago. Like Dr. Delony's wife, I have carved out a no mess zone for myself and battle the mess and filth for more hours than I deserve. I adore my spouse, and I also spend time fantasizing about moving us to a duplex where I could close the door on the whirlwind of filth and relax in my clean, tidy space.
Not all guys are like that. Disregard my username as I'm a guy. My mother taught me right. It's my wife who's not as clean I alI am. Like I said, this is a problem that started with his parents. It fucks me off to no end when I'm forever picking up hair, water all over bathroom bench tops, dirty toilets, kitchen counter tops, never takes out garbage, crumbs and crap all over the floor.
I solved this problem years ago. As soon as my husband got home I grabbed a black garbage bag and started loading up all his clothes, work boots lunch box everything he dropped as soon as he walked in. I tied the bag up set it by the door and asked him to take the garbage out. This solved the issue.
@@jasminejj5097 Try new practical solutions, and use your own organizing skills to get it right from the start - new year, new habits and take the Montessori-principle, aim for instant success. You are the leader. Inside the door, what huge spaces are there to drop things off? In the bath - what shields against water are there? Suggest a radical haicut. Have cleaning wipes handy everywhere as needed and a visible basket for those wipes that need to go into the washing mashine asap. For toilets use cleaning sticks that you put into the water container - it helps a lot. Put the full carbage-bags in her way on the door-mat when she goes out and keep the main garbage bin on the way out when she leaves for work. Think the better plan through with her and count the steps she must take, to minimize them. For the crumbs on the floor - would she prefer a pretty broom, a hand vacumcleaner, or an automatic one even if it is not cheap. (My hubby avoids the costs, and so rather does the work himself.) Buy the expensive stuff that helps you if she doesn't do her part. When is the best time for both to turn on a timer and together make "clean ship" - when the home is getting tidy once a day. Working on it simultaneously, of course.
Third marriage? Probably should stop after 2. If you have a miserable job you need to learn how to turn it off when home. If you are unable to then it’s time to look for a new job. It’s not fair to the family to take out work frustration daily on them.
In my 3rd, Dr John says you marry your unfinished business: #1 cold, aloof, unaffectionate, critical; #2 abusive, gas lighting. Got therapy, #3 married to Wonder Hubbie 37 years! Kind, thoughtful, validating, does acts of love, & verbalizes it❤
It’s not that easy. I had a difficult supervisor and it was hard to switch from being tense and angry to being relaxed and happy after work. I had a toddler that required my full attention and by the time I get home I was emotionally drained and miserable. My patience was low, I was overly anxious and tired. Could t get an alone time to reset. As soon as I switched my life got so much better. I’m a much better mom now. I’m more patient. I enjoy playing time. I’m more energetic. Life is great. So I understand the husband in the story. People spend most of their time at work so if it’s toxic it is likely to bleed over your personal life.
I was literally talking to my coworker about this. She said her daughter likes her job and is great at it but management is stressing her out. I told my coworker that if the daughter is really good at what she does, she has options. And that may mean exploring them.
Pretty sure if the husband didn't act like a child the wife wouldn't feel the need to "mother" him. Should she just ignore that his shoes are dirtying the floor she just cleaned or...
One important thing to remember listening to these calls is there are 3 sides to every story. She was clearly able to recognize that she was also contributing to his grumpyness unentionaly. Hopefuly these two can work towards being happy again.
Hah, many years ago, after an endless daily stream of grouchy complaints, my then-husband said to me, "I'm really tired of you being angry all the time. You don't have to be angry, so quit choosing it." Whoa, wake up call! He was right. I quit being angry about nearly everything after that. Still had my moments, but it wasn't overwhelming like it had been.
I am a teacher and I come home so overwhelmed every afternoon. My husband is retired and while he does his work with the yard and the bills, etc.i do return home to what I view as my second job. Dishes, laundry, clutter,etc.feels like too much for me. I am the grumpy one and I think it is all my doing. My job is hard and I honestly feel ineffective as a teacher and wife and person. It is so mundane to complain about yet it is the tape that I replay in my head.
If he’s retired and you aren’t, can you tell him you’re exhausted and need to divide up the labor more evenly within the house? When you’re both retired, I guess you can go back to him doing the lawn and bills and you doing all the laundry, dishes, kitchen, cooking, etc, if that’s how you’re both more comfortable, but while you’re still working and he’s home all day, a reasonable partner should be able to see that they should take on more of the domestic responsibilities so their spouse isn’t miserable and stressed as all get out. Have you asked him to start doing the laundry for you both every week or to please clean the kitchen during the weekdays before you get home? He might just be being stupid about things because that’s been y’all’s domestic chore pattern for so long and he honestly didn’t even think about it after retiring. I hope I wouldn’t need to be told in his shoes, but I’ve been genuinely, unbelievably stupid in the past about needing to help out in new ways- I’m embarrassed I didn’t realize sooner for those instances in my life, and looking back I wish someone had bought me a clue and smacked me over the head with it. Instead, it took years for me to realize what pro-social things I wasn’t doing that I should have been, which definitely hurt some of my friendships looking back. Maybe make a monthly or weekly chore wheel, even, so he can see how fairly you want to divide everything up and get a visual representation of all the invisible labor tasks that go into keeping the inside of your house decent, then get his buy-in to start using it to evenly split up and assign each of you half of the weekly domestic labor tasks.
@@GeorgiaMostly ty for your input. The only response I have is that I raised five children and having to raise another one, as in my husband, just makes me feel sick.
It’s unreal to me the amount of crap women put up with from men over long periods of time and how they let their peace and happiness systematically drain away until all that’s left is a husk of their former selves. I wish women would learn their value once and for all and stop thinking they « need » a man to have a full life. It’s a rare woman indeed whose life is improved and enhanced ongoingly by the man in her life.
Yes, I have allowed men to steal my peace and break me for far too long. Staying single for life. Can’t deal with the heartache any more. I just broke it off with a man I love with all my heart because of this. His negativity and victim mentality were just too draining. He complained about his family members every single day. I would try to tell him that you can’t change others, to let go and accept people as they are. Instead of blaming others, looking at ourselves and doing the work to change is what I’m focusing on. I finally realized I can’t change him, and it’s time to move on. It hurts so much. I miss him, when it was good it was really good with us. 😢😢😢
Goes both ways. I’ve seen both men and women be overworked and completely unappreciated and demoralized by their constantly miserable, unproductive, unhelpful, vicious spouses. I never understand why they stay when that dynamic settles in and the stress, blame, and misery becomes their normal day.
I don’t think it’s totally on the husband. Yes, he SHOULD NOT take this out on his wife…. However, I don’t agree that all jobs are supposed to be miserable and you should just suffer through it. My husband used to work plumbing and his back ached all time time, he was incredibly stressed, he started to lose his hair etc. My parents kept telling us he should stay and that all jobs suck etc. He was getting paid very well but it just wasn’t worth after his management starting making comments on his personal appearance(he is Mexican so his beard is a little more curly so they asked him to shave it after working there for a full year!) it so he finally quit! It was the best decision for us. His back began healing, he was far less stressed out, and his hair began to grow back. He may get paid less but we would never go back to that company and it was the best decision we ever made!
Yep, there are definitely levels of miserable at a job that you shouldn’t put up with. I left a job making $85k/yr because the CEO was mocking myself and my colleagues and subordinates personally and professionally, in public, and clearly deriving pleasure from breaking people down. My predecessor had a much more epic story when he quit- he pulled the $5 fee the CEO had been endlessly chastising him for from his wallet in cash, balled it up, and threw it at him. Apparently the CEO cowered like he was terrified he was going to punch him, but he just told him he quit and breezed out. He owns his own HVAC business with his BIL in law now, going on 5 years. I felt myself losing confidence as he started to work on me as his next victim and I just typed up a notice within 3 months, worked my 2 weeks remotely, and he hasn’t spoken to me since. Meanwhile, he’s still got the office cowed, but at least within 6 months of me leaving, his Practice Manager, Lead Administrative Assistant, and the Lead’s 2IC also all quit for the same reason. I’m glad I took the chance. After leaving, my next salary was significantly lower at $55k/yr, but I was promoted after 4 months and now make the most money (salary + good commission) I have ever made. It’s nothing crazy, but it’s more than I’d been making with him working like a rented mule and being treated like a tapeworm. That said, my current job IS aggressively boring. I don’t see that as a reason to quit. I think that’s closer to acceptable job frustration, whereas the person at the top of the hierarchy actively trying to demean and demoralize me and the rest of my coworkers wasn’t.
I literally had this convo with my husband recently. He has adhd and ptsd, works for himself and really struggles to consistently keep up with work which exhausts him. As a person, you couldn’t get a nicer more loving guy. But he was in a cycle of coming home and being so grumpy and impatient not at me or our kids particularly, but acted like everything in general was annoying. It was a horrible vibe which made our home feel dull and sad. And I didn’t want to feel this way, but I started to feel as though it was nicer when he wasn’t home. The other day I finally said I can’t handle anymore and feel as though he’s in a bad cycle of negativity. And it’s impacting all of us terribly. He didn’t even realise he was in that cycle and the past week has really been working on it, and it has completely changed everything! We have all benefited from that change! We love having him home.
When my husband & I were both working we had an agreement that whoever got home first would give the other one 20 minutes of being left alone to get settled in after getting home. Look at the mail, change clothes, whatever. Whatever needs attention can wait that long.
From my family of origin I did not learn that key piece. I felt I had to take the role of protector for my little sister, be alert, observant & read her quietness to see how & why she was hurting so I could anticipate or see her need so as to lessen her pain. Exhausting. I was the fixer. The protector.
I love this meaningful discussion. Two months ago, my husband died angry and miserable. I'm now unpacking the fact that this was the way he chose to live his life. I tried to help, but he was too afraid to try. Don't let this happen to you.
My husband loves to come home to the smell of our crockpot cooking something for dinner. He works a dirty job so he has to take a shower when he gets home before we can eat. Both of those things help make him feel better after a hard day. He can look forward to the food while he washes his difficult day off.
"When you track in dirt, I feel unsafe." What the hell? Opening up that way is a great way to make sure he takes nothing she says after that seriously.
She should get a boot tray, and have a small broom near the door and then ASK him nicely to sweep any mud clumps out of the door (encourage him to make that his new routine). Have a pair of clean comfy shoes there for him to slip into. HOW we talk to people is everything.
The sad truth of this is, the people that he works with that he may encounter when he runs to the store never quite sees the side of him that his wife and his children see when he’s home and that’s just the sad truth of itl
Life will beat you up so bad, you become depressed, anxious and uncontrollably angry. Not an excuse, not justifying, simply pointing out the ugly truths.
I am listening to this because I have a husband who is miserable, and he takes it out on me. I'm beginning to avoid him now. Because I have tried to understand him and put up with his outburst every time. I let him have his space, have hobbies, and have as much free time as he could possibly have because I don't want to be the one to be blamed. But it's only pushing us apart.
Dr John I wish I had your teaching when I was married to a man that was cranky because I was the same way telling him to take his dirty boots 🥾 I am so grateful that to hear these pod cast are healing to the soul 🙏
It’s not always as easy as that especially knowing you have to go back and deal with the same stuff tomorrow but at the same time don’t take it out on loved ones
This is my situation except my wife is always miserable. She blames work, but it sure makes for bad weekends. Im tempted to get a 2nd job so im gone on the weekends.
Or just start helping. Don't ask her what's wrong, look at what she prioritizes in her day and take on some of it without saying anything. We all have pressures. As married women though, it's a full time job working, full time job meal prepping (groceries, recipes, chopping)/cooking/cleaning after cooking, and then maybe we can think about enjoying the rest of our day. Take something off her plate and I guarantee, she will be less miserable.
Smart people learn from other people's mistakes that lead to misery. I wonder why that got you so triggered that you had to give that passive-aggressive response. Hmmm 😂😂😂 @@greenAbbot Edit: typo
I think she was being self-mocking becaise he said she was being her husband's "mommy" -she was acknowledging her error and actions, poking fun at herself, she was NOT serious-just recognizing her own behavior. Listen to it again.
Let's hide our feelings and displeasure to fake it so we can pretend to be happy! Sorry, I have a lot of problems with this call...Sure bad bosses have always been a thing and perhaps they are better nowadays because a lot less toxic behavior is tolerated. But bosses can follow us home now through our super connected world. Even if not, we hide stuff less than we did 50 years ago; we see that bottling stuff up is unhealthy. Now, it is up to us to find proper vents that aren't our spouse, like exercise, and we need to make sure we aren't bringing a super heated, bad energy home, but sometimes we need a soundboard.
It took several years for my husband to figure out that when he has a bad day, he needs to go for a drive before he comes home to me. He actually did that today. By doing so, he is protecting me from his grumpy side and dumping things on me. I also, am so damn tired of hearing him complain. He loves where he works but management stinks. I'm almost 50 and I want us to be happy.
This is the best! The way we communicate and come around to each one another. I got this that we think and function on a different level than how we communicate on a daily basis. Everything we say and do needs respect and love presence more instead of words just falling out of our mouths. As I like to say Everything you say, Everything you do, Everything you think effects everyone around you and even people you don't even know!
Anyone listen to the story and think this man is tired of being in the husband and dad role and has eyes for someone else…that would explain his resentment towards home life 🤷♂️! I can promise you he doesn’t act miserable at work - that ish he saves for the folks at home. The ones he has to provide for…
Agreed... This is always the case! Marriage 3 and they all have done this!!! Caught current fella on tinder!! 😂😂😂 I'm gonna say, I don't think I'm perfect. but I'm 100%a house wife and figured out why they do it. They hate providing and bordem. 🤷
As a man I will never get married because I don't see it as a desirable position. Providing,working a job you hate with people you can't stand with an awful boss. Doesn't strike me as fun to be honest. As a single man I have the choice to quit and be broke by myself until I figure something out, when you have a wife and kids you're trapped and can't do that. I'm not saying that women have it better by any means. Being a woman sounds like it sucks as well. Hmmm maybe life just fucking sucks fir everyone.
I love this! It’s made me so self aware in bettering myself as a wife. The whole “Hey! don’t put your shoes inside this house!” comment sounds just like me. I will do better.
Obviously I can’t make you happy no matter what. That’s what you tell him as soon as he starts. Venting is one thing but after that get back to me with a good mood or I’ll find other people to hang out with.
I was like this last year. I'd come home and cry to my bf about how awful my job was. I was a teacher and it sucked the soul out of me. I knew my attitude wasn't great but he let me vent and held me. I knew i had to leave because it put a lot of extra stress on both of us. Dude needs to evaluate his priorities and if he cant get a new gig right away, vent and spend time with the people you love. Make it worth it.
Love how John integrates his HIP HOP influence in his greetings!!! EPMD- Redman- HeadBangas ”Help me Rhonda!!! Help! Help me Rhonda! “ Taking responsibility is the first step to changing behavior.
Bad bosses were born that way. My sis had a boss who went to high school with me. She was a terrible person high school whom no one liked. She was the same after college. No one likse this women in the town either. She was just born with anasty disposition. She told an employee who wa on vactaion and discovered she had cancer when she returned that she can't take time off to see the doctor because she was just on vacation. The lady eventually died and that SOB had no remorse. Her parents were educators, one a principal. My sis retired early due to depression.
I had a father like this. It’s exhausting as a kid and I definitely emulated him and spread that misery to other kids around me at times cause that’s what kids do, they emulate their parents. Or I distanced myself from him anytime I was happy or in a good mood since I know he would kill my vibe. Even as an adult I tend to keep my good emotions away from him just so I can have some happiness without getting dulled down😅
True, but you're responsible for your own happiness, so if you aren't taking steps to improve a miserable situation you can't expect people to wear the brunt of it
This is a very complex problem when on the outside looking in. People don't know what's really going on. I was on son in law side for along time. I took a closer look. So when someone says they don't do there part look at both parties first.
This will not be a popular comment but here goes. With how expensive, stressful, demanding, and nasty the world is, I give credit to anyone who can get to 50 something and not be grumpy!! My hat is off to you all.
I think Dr. John assumes to much about the other person in this equation. It's not fair to tell the woman all this stuff without speaking to the husband and finding out if his assumptions are correct.
Oh man. We’re just coming out of that now. He changed jobs. It’s been a world of a difference!!! 2 months into it. We’ll see if that’s the difference we needed. Whew!!!! We have and are overcoming. He would literally tell me not to approach him when he got home. Now we hug and kiss at the door. We worked really hard to make changes. We accept each others crazy and want to grow together. We’re learning as we go.
He works a hard day and then comes home to nitpicking and nagging and she’s shocked why he’s grumpy. This is her THIRD marriage and I can see why. Statistics say there is a 75% to 80% chance she is going to fail at this marriage. Glad John called her out on that!!
My husband works a hard labour job, when he comes home after a 10 hour shift I let him decompress and if I have anything important to tell him I wait till he has time to rest and eat his dinner. She probably starts nagging him the minute he comes home, no wonder he is grumpy.
When my husband and I would drive home from work, we made it a rule to not talk…….just to be quiet, as we each unwound from the stresses of our job. By the time we got home, things were a little more relaxed. I would cook our dinner, and by that time, we were back to our normal jovial selves and could share our day with eachother. It saved many an argument for us.
Men don't want another Mother. Im a single female and didn't want a Daddy. I've stayed single for 20 years now and have the love of my life my cat Rocky boo boo. Hes grumpy but keeps the house clean.
To work for a Religious organization and have a difficult boss says a lot about that Religious organization. I have worked for a couple of religious organizations and they are the worst bosses. I have strong religious beliefs but I will not never again work for a religious organization. Definitely this guy needs to find another job.
They all are. They use the name of god to manipulate people to get more out of them. They even use the phrase “we want to USE you” every day so at least they’re up front about it.
@@Price890340 minutes-hour. I’m a woman and I need about that much time. It’s not hard to figure out. You don’t bombard people with lists and work when they come through the door.
It can actually be due to a bad work environment. If you’ve never had a soul sucking job then you don’t know how draining it can be. Granted, he shouldn’t take it out on his family, but it can be overwhelming to a person. Plus she’s a bit much with the whole “behave” weirdness. 😂 She probably feels similar to his boss and it can be just too much.
Yep lol. We are empty nesters. My husband and I work opposite shifts. He leaves for work at 2pm. I get home from work at 3:30. I get up for work at 6am and he comes home at 6-7am. I enjoy coming home from work to just my dogs. It's peaceful.
Man, I know I feel like another boss my husband can never please, but it's hard when my health is bad enough that just trying to be self-sufficient for daily tasks is enough to make my body crash. I really wish I could be self-reliant, so I wouldn't feel the need to have him do A, B, and C all the time for fear of my mental and physical well-being. At the beginning of this, my EEG showed my brain was operating so inefficiently that it would be normal to take me all day to do what a normal person can do in 30 minutes. I'm so tired of poor health that limits my abilities to take care of myself and love my husband well...
Sounds familiar my wife is moving out week I think I was so angry bc I was living a lie not being honest with myself on how I felt about wife. Our marriage was simply loveless. Prayers needed for us all
I think part of this was first needing to reset intentions and expectations by sitting down with the spouse and discussing that the emotional environment of the home is not what either of you want, that you want to work on changing that and making it a home you both want to return to every day, then figuring out what you both want your home to feel like when you walk in the door and how to compromise in ways that will support the construction of that feeling. I liked his example of his own wife asking him to turn the outside lights on if he gets home first, because coming home to a dark house made her feel like he didn’t care whereas coming home to a lit house made her feel cared for by her husband. It’s a super small thing that I’m sure her husband is happy to do as a small compromise on his part to accommodate her feelings and let her know he’s thinking of her and actively supporting her needs each and every day, no matter that lights on or off really shouldn’t upset anyone. The fact is that it made her feel unwelcomed and frustrated and that he was being inconsiderate of her each and every day, and she told him, and once he knew that he committed to performing a small action that not only resolves the problem, but also reminds his wife every day that he is committed enough to their marriage to consistently do that small thing for her. It’s lovely. And I’d 100% be saying that if the sexes were flipped as well, before anyone gets into that. Clearly that was just one example he gave and the exercise has to go both ways, with both parties owning up to what behaviors would help move each of them closer to or further away from what they, as a married couple, decide they want their home to feel like. I had a similar daily frustration that I’m sure was largely invisible to my family- I used to get home from work last every day to a locked front door (very safe area). It minutely worsened my mood every single time I walked up to that door and twisted that handle, anticipating that it wouldn’t turn; it was so freaking annoying to me that every single day, my loved ones had so little regard for me that they’d always just inconsiderately lock me out and make me struggle with the key. It absolutely made me feel like they weren’t happy to have me returning home. Illogical? Maybe. But that’s definitely what it felt like. What was usually a small inconvenience and transient frustration on normal days would, on the occasional very frustrating, miserable day, result in me getting home, stalking up to the front door internally grousing about how my ungrateful and inconsiderate family for sure locked me out again, twisting the knob and having that suspicion confirmed, fumbling for my keys and having the lock jam slightly, and then I’m suddenly yanking back and forth on the locked door and using my fist to loudly bang on it in frustration. Someone would open it for me 10 seconds later and act all surprised at my bad mood and scowl, and I’d brush by with a snide comment and glare and isolate myself alone in the bedroom, grousing. It literally never occurred to me that I’d never told my family that coming home to a locked door made me feel that they were being deliberately inconsiderate of me, which felt like a behavioral indication that I was unloved, and that they didn’t want me home. I’d just griped repeatedly to please stop locking the freaking door before I get home from work, which they never understood as anything that really mattered to me despite that internally, it bothered me slightly to moderately on a daily basis. In other words, they never saw deliberately not locking the door behind them after getting home first as a way to practice loving me, as a small gesture that would have, each day upon returning home, reminded me that they care enough about me to make that consistent effort to do that differently for me. I’m sure looking back that if I had approached it that way and told my family how it would help me feel loved and wanted to have that door unlocked upon returning home, they would have, happily. But I assumed they knew and just didn’t care enough despite me telling them to stop locking it constantly over years. All that to say, the doc’s suggestion actually gives couples the opportunity to identify behaviors they can each regularly perform to better meet the specific emotional and environmental needs of their partner. In addition to reducing the problematic behaviors and introducing positive behaviors, just seeing your partner make the effort every day to remember and bother to consistently perform those small compromises to their behavior would be huge in feeling loved and supported by your partner. Also, it gives you a way to show that same level of love, consideration, and compromise back in ways that your spouse tells you matter to them. Great suggestion.
I have a mother who no matter how many times I have this conversation with her does not feel the need to change her behavior, not even when I told her that her negativity triggers my eating disorder and she is literally helping me kill myself. She doesn't care and won't stay distanced from me enough for me to heal myself.
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This was me 8 years ago. My wife sat me down and explained that she is miserable because of my miserable attitude because of my job. Basically, you find a new job or a new wife. That lit the fire, I found a different job for the same pay with in 2 years. Flash forward 6 years and I am making way more than I would be in the previous job and our relationship is way better. I am always in a good mood when I come home.
You, JRV, sure solved the root cause to the household misery! Good team-work! It is not the amount you earn - it is the mood you bring home that has made the change. A couple can live a good simple life on a surprisingly low income, if they want to. I think people would be happier if they wanted to learn how to do it with good cheer. It's learnable, it's doable! Just refer back to what really matters. All the best wishes to all of you struggle with mood-challenges! They are not personality issues. There a re practical solutions to them, and you'll find the right once when you open up to finding them!
Nice
Very impressive. I understand how difficult this situation is. Love that you put your family first.
That’s amazing! Thank you for sharing 💪🏼
@@SappyAmon ???
Teach women they aren’t responsible for every one’s emotions, even their husband’s.
AMEN!! It's unbelievable how many women behave this way.
Love this!!! I actually read it wrong and thought you said teach women that they are. Lol. Yes, from childhood women are taught to be responsible for everyone's feelings and emotions including our own. It's absolutely exhausting. Have you ever noticed how often women say that they're sorry??!
But your husband is part of you. And if my husband don’t feel good I would not feel good. It’s not responsible it’s when you love someone you feel everything and it’s inevitable
@@nata9832 that’s called codependency. When you love someone, you allow them to take responsibility for their own behavior. You may feel their pain emotionally, but you are both responsible (key word here) for your own emotions, projections, and reactions. This woman is trying to fix her husband’s emotional outbursts by taking the blame. None of it is her responsibility, especially since he hasn’t even asked for her to fix it.
@@angelcare5969I’m one of them trying to do anything to keep the peace in my marriage
My ex-husband used to tell me when he got home from work that he needed some peace. So after I greeted him I let him be. I've already been to work and now get dinner ready. He would still be in his need peace mode by the time dinner was ready. I would start to tell him about my day and he would shut it down. So I wouldn't say anything else. By the time I get ready to go to bed he'd have the audacity to ask me why I don't talk to him.
Girl this hit home big time. Currently going through this and I truly and so done being treated like dirt and feeling like I have to beg my husband to be seen. Things were so different the first 3 years together. Ever since I was diagnosed with MS and I’m physically unable to work FT I’m now seen as some lesser half who doesn’t deserve basic decency and respect.
@BurchBunny drop that loser. I have MS, my husband has been amazing and with me every step of the way, supporting me. This isn't a you problem, it's a him problem. You're better off alone and happy than have to tip toe around a jerk. Cut him lose and be happy.
And then get mad bc you don’t want sex… I live this daily :/
@@princessamber18Yes! My ex didn’t want any physical intimacy like kisses, hugs, cuddles ever but then couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to be intimate with him after no connection outside of the bedroom.
I hope you told him step by step how he trained you not to speak to him.
Then asked :
1. When did he decide that you *are* allowed to speak to him?
He has said not to speak with him when he first comes home, not before dinner, not during dinner... When did he decide he doesn't like this after all?
2. When did he make up his mind about *when* you are allowed to speak to him? Did he change his mind about any of his previous instructions to you or did he think of a time when it is OK to open communication with him? Has he even come up with an answer to that, or are you supposed to know by magic when he doesn't?
3. When did he communicate this instead of just shutting down every attempt you made at communication, even today?
He has the marriage he repeatedly asked for.
...And which he asked for *again* earlier this evening.
" Think it over. I'm not talking with you about this until you take some time to think about what you *want.*
If you really want something from me, you can't also keep telling me not to give it to you."
Tomorrow, invite me into a conversation. Or not. Don't wait until the day is over and blame me for listening to you when you said (and keep saying) 'Not now, honey, I'm tired.' .... YOU start the conversation next time. "
Honestly,
I would have probably been flummoxed at his cluelessness and not handled the moment well. I hope that you did better.
I grew up with a father like this. He would argue with all of us and my mom would just let it happen. If it wasn’t a grumpy attitude, it was rage. Now I distance myself intuitively from adults like this.
Same! I hope you are living your best life 💙
Survival instinct.
How can your Mother 'let' your Father argue, or not. His emotions & argumentative nature is his responsibility not your Mother's. Must Mothers be to blame for everything? Why not blame your Father for his miserable ways?!
@@prettydreammy I generally agree that mothers get more than their fair share of blame. But in the case that one parents is mistreating the children, it’s the other parent’s duty to do whatever they can to protect their children and get them out of that situation.
@@queenwhatever5217and then they are blamed by both children, father, family and community for leaving such man. They become overwhelmed because everything is on them, finances suffer, children can't get what they need, they can't get the attention of overworked mom etc. and children suffer because of it.
I prioritise calling my boyfriend when he finishes work because in the 25mins it takes for him to drive home, he is able to vent about his day and get all the negative stuff off his chest. By the time he walks in the door, he feels heard, supported and validated. He vents, I listen. When he arrives home, he is greeted with a smile, a hug and a kiss. If he can slog it out at a job he detests, that’s the very least I can do ❤ This is one of the ways we protect the peace and calm in our home.
❤️❤️❤️
The universe will never give you peace in something you were never meant to settle in. I hope if hes looking for a new job, that he finds it soon.
❤❤❤❤
my bf and I do this too. It works nicely.
My husband and I do a similar thing, he doesn’t so much vent on the call but just talk for a bit, about my day or about plans with the kids etc. it gets him out of work mode and into home/family/relax mode. And then we’re all happy to see him.
And if he tracks mud through the house or throws his shirt on the floor.. it’s a small price to pay to clean up, for a great husband and father.
My late husband was always in a bad mood. I thought it was his job because he would complain. Later we found out he was bipolar and had a drinking problem. Rough journey.
That is sad isn't it! My self-centered aka: narcissistic passive aggressive silent critical verbally abusive husband who basically was my , unappreciative, ungrateful third child. He was not a participant in the family nor in our relationship. He was the controller. With me he was soul sucking, blaming me for his failures, did-no-wrong, a victim, grown adult who never engaged as a husband or a father other than to sometimes play with them. The kids saw him as great. I had to 'raise' them. In the 26 years with him I never knew what it was to be seen & cared about even during sex. He didn't hold 'me' during sex. I felt like a piece of meat or a porn photo. I never knew kindness nor 'love'. Yet he looked divine to others. Too much TMI. Sorry for derailing.
@@darondatoole7439sounds like you may need therapy too.
@@darondatoole7439 it may be an excellent idea to see someone to talk to if you're not already. Look after yourself stranger
That was my ex, no one should have to live with someone who's angry all the time.
Are you still single though? People are really quick to bail then to work on a relationship.
@@ellencox8415 20 years was long enough.
I had a job and behaved very negative to people. My friend told me "i don't have room in my life for such a negative person right now. No one wants to be friends with an angry person"".
Yup. I left a friendship for this reason.
I notice that some men rage because they can’t communicate.
And there seems to be an unconscious sentiment among some men that anger/rage isn’t an emotion. They’ll believe they aren’t emotional because they don’t let themselves be emotionally vulnerable when upset, but they don’t see the anger they take out on you and the rest of the family as an emotional response.
WEIRD.
Some men are just abusive. It's to gain power over you. This is a clear pic of selfishness. Dump him please.😊
I can't stand people who bring their work home with them. I have worked plenty of jobs I hated. You have to leave that irritability at the door.
oh look. another female acting like she is never the problem.
I own my own company and it is not easy. One thing I require of my girlfriend or wife is that I come home to peace and tranquility. Not a bunch of nagging
@@kenandrieling5885, the Irony is that she is bringing her work into the marriage as soon as he gets home. If sh. is not satisfied right when he gets home what does that say about her
@@kenandrieling5885 That's fair
Having a shower as soon as I got home from a previously toxic job immensely helped me not carry that stress and toxicity home. It was like I was washing that place off of me
We're all responsible to learn how to manage our emotions. If you choose to act out, you're going to find yourself alone.
THIS!!!!!!
My partner has an incredibly tense job, he works 80 hours a week, and has problems with management all the time. But you know what happens when he comes home? He walks through the door, gives me a big smile, and says "yes! The best part of my day is finally starting!" If your job is affecting your family that much, your family isn't the priority.
That's amazing!
I hope my husband would be like that. 😊 when I find him
I’ve been married for over 20 years. I don’t tolerate after work venting anymore. I’m not responsible for fixing or absorbing a bad mood. I’m not a garbage dump. However, I love offering advice and support if asked. I don’t feel guilty for setting boundaries to guard my inner peace.
That's so healthy.
Couldn’t agree with you more.
"you can sleep better at night blaming his boss" BAM, nailed it. Everyone needs someone to blame...
Ok but with my husband it is personal...
Yeah I used to be all smiles and happy when my husband would come home, till his cheating became PERMANENT in our marriage (of 12 years) I found out the first time when I was 5 months pregnant, and big mistake not leaving then... I am done mentally and emotionally... just waiting for a few more weeks before I call it quits
He does not deserve my smiles, my emotions, my loyalty, My dedication or my love.
I am done being put down, disrespected, berated and belittled on an almost daily basis especially in front of my 11 years old son
The only advice I can give is don't jump into any new relationships right away. Those types of men can smell you from a mile away. Put your children first.
You all deserve better. Seek help, secretly make a plan with an attorney, then run.
He sounds like a narcissist. Google it. I lived with one 22 years before I learned what narcissism is. They make life hell.
Please save yourself and your son now. I stayed and now my son treats me as horribly as my husband does. My son learned that it’s ok to act this way. You still have time to give your son a better chance at good adult relationships.
Men would apparently prefer to change families than their jobs. Wash rinse, repeat,
Many times husbands resent their wives for their own choices and turn around and mistreat or abuse their wives. Like if he had a certain dream or goal and couldn’t accomplish it because his wife mysteriously got pregnant and now he has to put his dream on hold or forget it altogether, he’ll blame her.
Going through that now! 😢
Women blame men for getting pregnant and not being able to achieve their dreams as well. It goes both ways.
My husband and I were lucky enough to be able to commute together for a long time. That ride home was so precious for venting, discussing, planning, everything - and then when we got home we were already on the same mental page. We got so much peace at home from that.
My mother worked a job at a church where she had a couple of horrible bosses who constantly disrespected her and who made her job much harder and more stressful than it needed to be. She chose to stay in that job and do it anyway because the church as a whole benefitted. She was very stressed for several years, but she did not take her stress out on her children or her husband. Making other people suffer because you're miserable is not a healthy way to deal with the situation.
As one who grew up with a minister/missionary father, this was very affirming. The constant criticism was such that I was relieved to be sent away to boarding school and did not experience an iota of homesickness. It seems to me that many ministers relish having the God card up their sleeves in order to beat back any challenges. Sadly, it is my opinion that my father's illegitimate interpersoanl style damaged everyone in the household more than it damaged me.
Unfortunately a lot of narcissistic people hide in clergy. They are the wolves in sheep’s clothing the Bible talks about. Sorry that was your experience.
Where are all these happy married couples that society keeps telling us about? Married people are suppose to be happier than single people they tell us yet i see nothing but stressed out married couples like the callers on this show
They don't exist!!
Conflict and stress is the price you pay for companionship. If you don't think it's worth it, that's ok.
We were one of those happy couples.
Happiness is relative. Saying married couples are happier than singles, does not mean married people are always happy ALL the time. It takes work to make a marriage happy and successful, but it can really be worth the work.
The happy ones don't need this service. You don't see / hear them because they are busy being happy
I’ve tried this myself explain that my husband‘s energy washes over me and makes me so miserable that I’d rather go live in a cardboard box then spend one more day with him but he’s basically telling me that’s just how he is and won’t go get help get checked for Depression nothing so I am looking to have to leave soon because after 22 years I can’t see the rest of my life looking like this with this dark cloud of gloom over for me .. and I mean everything bothers him even if the dogs bark outside. Or someone cuts their grass. He’s never happy about anything and refuses to count his blessings. I’m out.
unless hes a drinker or drug user, the #1 reason for depression is a marked deficiency of Vit D3, easy fix! take 10,000 iu/VitD3 every day! they are tiny pills, take 10 before bed with sip of water, it helps a LOT and is cheap and easy to do. we keep a small container of 200 pills on our night tables and on our coffee table so we remind ourselves to take it every day; great stuff!
I’m 33 years in. It doesn’t get better. Save yourself and leave…I wish I had!
why cant you leave @@lucybrenton149
It's Not to Late! Save yourself
I left someone like this. The dark cloud over my life disappeared
I remember on some tv programme, forget which, the husband had a stressful job. So when he came home he had a ritual of sitting in the car for a few minutes to shake off his work mood before going in to greet his wife and children. I thought that said a lot about his character. A wise but also thoughtful man.
I went through a period where my job was stressing me out hardcore. I was unhappy and not pleasant to be around. I was able to transfer out of the job where I was being taken advantage of to a better group.
Now I'm doing much better, much happier, and making more money.
I am working to keep getting better. It's a conscious decision.
I give him PLENTY of time to decompress after work, and yet I'm still yelled at by him.🙄
Same here i have heart failure
I needed to hear this. Boyfriend is stressed and has shut down. He's no longer affectionate or loving. He just says he's stressed and is too tired. I try to give him space and support him but it hurts to be in the same room with him and feel so alone. I want someone who doesn't treat me like this just because they can't handle stress.
Why don’t you tell him that instead of strangers on the internet
Now the next step is to take action and get that pile of miserable junk out of your life (if you haven't done that already).
I really needed to hear this episode. This is so relatable to so many people including myself. ❤ Thank you Dr. John!!
I live with a divided heart on this.
I work from home, and I tend to fit chores around my pomodoro timer breaks. Something about having a tidy, clean, uncluttered home is so lovely to me.
My spouse works outside of the home. While I don't mention it, I get so, so tired when our togetherness (which I LOVE!) is taxed by my spouse's messiness. Within 30 minutes of my other half being home, there is crap all over the entrance, crap all over the kitchen table, food wrappers, crumbs and sticky utensils all over the counter and water on the kitchen floor.
It's like living with a 14yo boy. I stopped cleaning my spouse's bathroom counter and nightstand years ago. Like Dr. Delony's wife, I have carved out a no mess zone for myself and battle the mess and filth for more hours than I deserve.
I adore my spouse, and I also spend time fantasizing about moving us to a duplex where I could close the door on the whirlwind of filth and relax in my clean, tidy space.
Not all guys are like that. Disregard my username as I'm a guy. My mother taught me right. It's my wife who's not as clean I alI am. Like I said, this is a problem that started with his parents. It fucks me off to no end when I'm forever picking up hair, water all over bathroom bench tops, dirty toilets, kitchen counter tops, never takes out garbage, crumbs and crap all over the floor.
I solved this problem years ago. As soon as my husband got home I grabbed a black garbage bag and started loading up all his clothes, work boots lunch box everything he dropped as soon as he walked in. I tied the bag up set it by the door and asked him to take the garbage out. This solved the issue.
@@jasminejj5097 Try new practical solutions, and use your own organizing skills to get it right from the start - new year, new habits and take the Montessori-principle, aim for instant success. You are the leader. Inside the door, what huge spaces are there to drop things off? In the bath - what shields against water are there? Suggest a radical haicut. Have cleaning wipes handy everywhere as needed and a visible basket for those wipes that need to go into the washing mashine asap. For toilets use cleaning sticks that you put into the water container - it helps a lot. Put the full carbage-bags in her way on the door-mat when she goes out and keep the main garbage bin on the way out when she leaves for work.
Think the better plan through with her and count the steps she must take, to minimize them. For the crumbs on the floor - would she prefer a pretty broom, a hand vacumcleaner, or an automatic one even if it is not cheap. (My hubby avoids the costs, and so rather does the work himself.) Buy the expensive stuff that helps you if she doesn't do her part. When is the best time for both to turn on a timer and together make "clean ship" - when the home is getting tidy once a day. Working on it simultaneously, of course.
@@lovelife7343wow, you sound like a total delight. I'm amazed your husband is still around
@@lovelife7343what if he never leaves the house
Third marriage? Probably should stop after 2.
If you have a miserable job you need to learn how to turn it off when home. If you are unable to then it’s time to look for a new job.
It’s not fair to the family to take out work frustration daily on them.
In my 3rd, Dr John says you marry your unfinished business: #1 cold, aloof, unaffectionate, critical; #2 abusive, gas lighting. Got therapy, #3 married to Wonder Hubbie 37 years! Kind, thoughtful, validating, does acts of love, & verbalizes it❤
@@jangrosemartindale8740thats good, but 3rd marriages have a ridiculously low success rate
It’s not that easy. I had a difficult supervisor and it was hard to switch from being tense and angry to being relaxed and happy after work. I had a toddler that required my full attention and by the time I get home I was emotionally drained and miserable. My patience was low, I was overly anxious and tired. Could t get an alone time to reset. As soon as I switched my life got so much better. I’m a much better mom now. I’m more patient. I enjoy playing time. I’m more energetic. Life is great. So I understand the husband in the story. People spend most of their time at work so if it’s toxic it is likely to bleed over your personal life.
I was literally talking to my coworker about this. She said her daughter likes her job and is great at it but management is stressing her out.
I told my coworker that if the daughter is really good at what she does, she has options. And that may mean exploring them.
Pretty sure if the husband didn't act like a child the wife wouldn't feel the need to "mother" him. Should she just ignore that his shoes are dirtying the floor she just cleaned or...
One important thing to remember listening to these calls is there are 3 sides to every story. She was clearly able to recognize that she was also contributing to his grumpyness unentionaly. Hopefuly these two can work towards being happy again.
Everyone blaming her as if he shouldn't control his re-entry back into his home.
Hah, many years ago, after an endless daily stream of grouchy complaints, my then-husband said to me, "I'm really tired of you being angry all the time. You don't have to be angry, so quit choosing it." Whoa, wake up call! He was right. I quit being angry about nearly everything after that. Still had my moments, but it wasn't overwhelming like it had been.
I am a teacher and I come home so overwhelmed every afternoon. My husband is retired and while he does his work with the yard and the bills, etc.i do return home to what I view as my second job. Dishes, laundry, clutter,etc.feels like too much for me. I am the grumpy one and I think it is all my doing. My job is hard and I honestly feel ineffective as a teacher and wife and person. It is so mundane to complain about yet it is the tape that I replay in my head.
@guenethcorrigan4096 Why not request some help with he chores, as he is at home, (well, if you can).
If he’s retired and you aren’t, can you tell him you’re exhausted and need to divide up the labor more evenly within the house?
When you’re both retired, I guess you can go back to him doing the lawn and bills and you doing all the laundry, dishes, kitchen, cooking, etc, if that’s how you’re both more comfortable, but while you’re still working and he’s home all day, a reasonable partner should be able to see that they should take on more of the domestic responsibilities so their spouse isn’t miserable and stressed as all get out.
Have you asked him to start doing the laundry for you both every week or to please clean the kitchen during the weekdays before you get home? He might just be being stupid about things because that’s been y’all’s domestic chore pattern for so long and he honestly didn’t even think about it after retiring.
I hope I wouldn’t need to be told in his shoes, but I’ve been genuinely, unbelievably stupid in the past about needing to help out in new ways- I’m embarrassed I didn’t realize sooner for those instances in my life, and looking back I wish someone had bought me a clue and smacked me over the head with it. Instead, it took years for me to realize what pro-social things I wasn’t doing that I should have been, which definitely hurt some of my friendships looking back.
Maybe make a monthly or weekly chore wheel, even, so he can see how fairly you want to divide everything up and get a visual representation of all the invisible labor tasks that go into keeping the inside of your house decent, then get his buy-in to start using it to evenly split up and assign each of you half of the weekly domestic labor tasks.
@@GeorgiaMostly ty for your input. The only response I have is that I raised five children and having to raise another one, as in my husband, just makes me feel sick.
It’s unreal to me the amount of crap women put up with from men over long periods of time and how they let their peace and happiness systematically drain away until all that’s left is a husk of their former selves. I wish women would learn their value once and for all and stop thinking they « need » a man to have a full life. It’s a rare woman indeed whose life is improved and enhanced ongoingly by the man in her life.
Yes, I have allowed men to steal my peace and break me for far too long. Staying single for life. Can’t deal with the heartache any more.
I just broke it off with a man I love with all my heart because of this. His negativity and victim mentality were just too draining. He complained about his family members every single day. I would try to tell him that you can’t change others, to let go and accept people as they are. Instead of blaming others, looking at ourselves and doing the work to change is what I’m focusing on. I finally realized I can’t change him, and it’s time to move on.
It hurts so much. I miss him, when it was good it was really good with us. 😢😢😢
This is normal relationship stuff. I bet you're great to deal with every single day
Goes both ways. I’ve seen both men and women be overworked and completely unappreciated and demoralized by their constantly miserable, unproductive, unhelpful, vicious spouses.
I never understand why they stay when that dynamic settles in and the stress, blame, and misery becomes their normal day.
That was me, when my kids were growing up. Now, everybody is all grown and out, but never come home to visit.
I don’t think it’s totally on the husband.
Yes, he SHOULD NOT take this out on his wife…. However, I don’t agree that all jobs are supposed to be miserable and you should just suffer through it.
My husband used to work plumbing and his back ached all time time, he was incredibly stressed, he started to lose his hair etc.
My parents kept telling us he should stay and that all jobs suck etc. He was getting paid very well but it just wasn’t worth after his management starting making comments on his personal appearance(he is Mexican so his beard is a little more curly so they asked him to shave it after working there for a full year!) it so he finally quit!
It was the best decision for us.
His back began healing, he was far less stressed out, and his hair began to grow back.
He may get paid less but we would never go back to that company and it was the best decision we ever made!
Also, this is her 3rd marriage. What's going on with her that she is unhappy in all of her marriages?
Yep, there are definitely levels of miserable at a job that you shouldn’t put up with. I left a job making $85k/yr because the CEO was mocking myself and my colleagues and subordinates personally and professionally, in public, and clearly deriving pleasure from breaking people down.
My predecessor had a much more epic story when he quit- he pulled the $5 fee the CEO had been endlessly chastising him for from his wallet in cash, balled it up, and threw it at him. Apparently the CEO cowered like he was terrified he was going to punch him, but he just told him he quit and breezed out. He owns his own HVAC business with his BIL in law now, going on 5 years.
I felt myself losing confidence as he started to work on me as his next victim and I just typed up a notice within 3 months, worked my 2 weeks remotely, and he hasn’t spoken to me since. Meanwhile, he’s still got the office cowed, but at least within 6 months of me leaving, his Practice Manager, Lead Administrative Assistant, and the Lead’s 2IC also all quit for the same reason.
I’m glad I took the chance. After leaving, my next salary was significantly lower at $55k/yr, but I was promoted after 4 months and now make the most money (salary + good commission) I have ever made. It’s nothing crazy, but it’s more than I’d been making with him working like a rented mule and being treated like a tapeworm.
That said, my current job IS aggressively boring. I don’t see that as a reason to quit. I think that’s closer to acceptable job frustration, whereas the person at the top of the hierarchy actively trying to demean and demoralize me and the rest of my coworkers wasn’t.
I literally had this convo with my husband recently. He has adhd and ptsd, works for himself and really struggles to consistently keep up with work which exhausts him. As a person, you couldn’t get a nicer more loving guy. But he was in a cycle of coming home and being so grumpy and impatient not at me or our kids particularly, but acted like everything in general was annoying.
It was a horrible vibe which made our home feel dull and sad. And I didn’t want to feel this way, but I started to feel as though it was nicer when he wasn’t home. The other day I finally said I can’t handle anymore and feel as though he’s in a bad cycle of negativity. And it’s impacting all of us terribly.
He didn’t even realise he was in that cycle and the past week has really been working on it, and it has completely changed everything!
We have all benefited from that change! We love having him home.
I can't even put my purse down. My husband will start telling/talking to me about his day or what needs to be done
When my husband & I were both working we had an agreement that whoever got home first would give the other one 20 minutes of being left alone to get settled in after getting home. Look at the mail, change clothes, whatever. Whatever needs attention can wait that long.
Right lol
Tell him to stfu. jk, ask for a few minutes to chill.
Its never another adults job to manage or fix any other adults' deep emotional problems they haven't dealt with
From my family of origin I did not learn that key piece. I felt I had to take the role of protector for my little sister, be alert, observant & read her quietness to see how & why she was hurting so I could anticipate or see her need so as to lessen her pain. Exhausting. I was the fixer. The protector.
I love this meaningful discussion. Two months ago, my husband died angry and miserable. I'm now unpacking the fact that this was the way he chose to live his life. I tried to help, but he was too afraid to try. Don't let this happen to you.
My husband loves to come home to the smell of our crockpot cooking something for dinner. He works a dirty job so he has to take a shower when he gets home before we can eat. Both of those things help make him feel better after a hard day. He can look forward to the food while he washes his difficult day off.
8:46 "I need him to behave.." girl WHAT
"When you track in dirt, I feel unsafe." What the hell? Opening up that way is a great way to make sure he takes nothing she says after that seriously.
Lol I agree! 😂
She's soooo unsafe lmao!
Unheard, not cared about would've been better terminology
She should get a boot tray, and have a small broom near the door and then ASK him nicely to sweep any mud clumps out of the door (encourage him to make that his new routine). Have a pair of clean comfy shoes there for him to slip into. HOW we talk to people is everything.
The sad truth of this is, the people that he works with that he may encounter when he runs to the store never quite sees the side of him that his wife and his children see when he’s home and that’s just the sad truth of itl
Dr. John, you are so good at your job! And thank you for calling out bad bosses. I hope some of them took it to heart.
Life will beat you up so bad, you become depressed, anxious and uncontrollably angry. Not an excuse, not justifying, simply pointing out the ugly truths.
It’s easier to be single dealing with a job and a relationship is to much work
I am listening to this because I have a husband who is miserable, and he takes it out on me. I'm beginning to avoid him now. Because I have tried to understand him and put up with his outburst every time.
I let him have his space, have hobbies, and have as much free time as he could possibly have because I don't want to be the one to be blamed. But it's only pushing us apart.
Beware, if he is constantly blaming you for his own actions, it may be emotional abuse. I’m there right now :( it’s painful, but I’m better out of it
@@sarahelo009 are you still in the relationship?
Dr John I wish I had your teaching when I was married to a man that was cranky because I was the same way telling him to take his dirty boots 🥾 I am so grateful that to hear these pod cast are healing to the soul 🙏
When you leave job leave your attitude at work.
It’s not always as easy as that especially knowing you have to go back and deal with the same stuff tomorrow but at the same time don’t take it out on loved ones
This is my situation except my wife is always miserable. She blames work, but it sure makes for bad weekends. Im tempted to get a 2nd job so im gone on the weekends.
Or just start helping. Don't ask her what's wrong, look at what she prioritizes in her day and take on some of it without saying anything. We all have pressures. As married women though, it's a full time job working, full time job meal prepping (groceries, recipes, chopping)/cooking/cleaning after cooking, and then maybe we can think about enjoying the rest of our day. Take something off her plate and I guarantee, she will be less miserable.
@@ellencox8415 I appreciate the assumption that I just gawk at her and don't help at all.
@@Chet_24 you're welcome.
You didn't deny it either.
you signed up for this
@@ellencox8415typical Feemale telling a man to take responsibility but yet all we see here are Fmale victims lmao
You need him to “behave”?? That’s why I’m happily single.
Good for you. You’ve given up hope for all the wonderful things that marriage can bring in order to protect yourself from what you’re afraid of.
Smart people learn from other people's mistakes that lead to misery. I wonder why that got you so triggered that you had to give that passive-aggressive response. Hmmm 😂😂😂 @@greenAbbot
Edit: typo
@@greenAbbotif she's happy, whats the problem?
@@greenAbbot lol idiot
As sweet as she sounds, she lost me with the word, "behave ". No man wants to be hen-pecked. I wish her and her and her husband well though too.
Yep, third marriage makes sense now. And this is a ten minute conversation, not a ten year partnership/marriage.
I think she was being self-mocking becaise he said she was being her husband's "mommy" -she was acknowledging her error and actions, poking fun at herself, she was NOT serious-just recognizing her own behavior. Listen to it again.
It’s way easier to blame someone else than own your own stuff.
Let's hide our feelings and displeasure to fake it so we can pretend to be happy!
Sorry, I have a lot of problems with this call...Sure bad bosses have always been a thing and perhaps they are better nowadays because a lot less toxic behavior is tolerated. But bosses can follow us home now through our super connected world. Even if not, we hide stuff less than we did 50 years ago; we see that bottling stuff up is unhealthy.
Now, it is up to us to find proper vents that aren't our spouse, like exercise, and we need to make sure we aren't bringing a super heated, bad energy home, but sometimes we need a soundboard.
It took several years for my husband to figure out that when he has a bad day, he needs to go for a drive before he comes home to me. He actually did that today. By doing so, he is protecting me from his grumpy side and dumping things on me. I also, am so damn tired of hearing him complain. He loves where he works but management stinks. I'm almost 50 and I want us to be happy.
This is the best! The way we communicate and come around to each one another. I got this that we think and function on a different level than how we communicate on a daily basis. Everything we say and do needs respect and love presence more instead of words just falling out of our mouths. As I like to say Everything you say, Everything you do, Everything you think effects everyone around you and even people you don't even know!
Anyone listen to the story and think this man is tired of being in the husband and dad role and has eyes for someone else…that would explain his resentment towards home life 🤷♂️!
I can promise you he doesn’t act miserable at work - that ish he saves for the folks at home. The ones he has to provide for…
How creative.
@@WillIam79-c7fsounds like a coward to me.
Agreed... This is always the case! Marriage 3 and they all have done this!!! Caught current fella on tinder!! 😂😂😂
I'm gonna say, I don't think I'm perfect. but I'm 100%a house wife and figured out why they do it. They hate providing and bordem. 🤷
As a man I will never get married because I don't see it as a desirable position. Providing,working a job you hate with people you can't stand with an awful boss. Doesn't strike me as fun to be honest. As a single man I have the choice to quit and be broke by myself until I figure something out, when you have a wife and kids you're trapped and can't do that. I'm not saying that women have it better by any means. Being a woman sounds like it sucks as well. Hmmm maybe life just fucking sucks fir everyone.
I love this! It’s made me so self aware in bettering myself as a wife. The whole “Hey! don’t put your shoes inside this house!” comment sounds just like me. I will do better.
Obviously I can’t make you happy no matter what. That’s what you tell him as soon as he starts. Venting is one thing but after that get back to me with a good mood or I’ll find other people to hang out with.
I was like this last year. I'd come home and cry to my bf about how awful my job was. I was a teacher and it sucked the soul out of me. I knew my attitude wasn't great but he let me vent and held me. I knew i had to leave because it put a lot of extra stress on both of us.
Dude needs to evaluate his priorities and if he cant get a new gig right away, vent and spend time with the people you love. Make it worth it.
Love how John integrates his HIP HOP influence in his greetings!!! EPMD- Redman- HeadBangas
”Help me Rhonda!!! Help! Help me Rhonda! “
Taking responsibility is the first step to changing behavior.
Choosing our attitude is our one only true freedom in life!❤
If a slightly dirty house makes you feel unsafe there’s bigger issues to work on
Hit home in so many ways! Thank you!
Bad bosses were born that way. My sis had a boss who went to high school with me. She was a terrible person high school whom no one liked. She was the same after college. No one likse this women in the town either. She was just born with anasty disposition. She told an employee who wa on vactaion and discovered she had cancer when she returned that she can't take time off to see the doctor because she was just on vacation. The lady eventually died and that SOB had no remorse. Her parents were educators, one a principal. My sis retired early due to depression.
Maybe she should work?? Take some financial burden off him. She prob cheerful n stress free cuz she aint helpin out, he prob resents her
They're empty nesters so it's just the two of them.
Who said she doesn’t work? It’s very common for people to get off at different times and her start dinner before he gets home!
Exactly
@@flashthecorgi2053is she putting into the household?
@@flashthecorgi2053she doesn't.... She waits around until he gets home to b***h at him...
FINALLY
A COUPLE THAT WILL GET THRU THE ISSUE FOR SURE.
Love and respect, thank you so much for your heart to help others. So appreciate your show and your direct approach. Blessings ❤
Been there, done that. My ex was diagnosed as bi-polar also late in life. But, IMO he was really a narcissist.
I had a father like this. It’s exhausting as a kid and I definitely emulated him and spread that misery to other kids around me at times cause that’s what kids do, they emulate their parents. Or I distanced myself from him anytime I was happy or in a good mood since I know he would kill my vibe. Even as an adult I tend to keep my good emotions away from him just so I can have some happiness without getting dulled down😅
Nobody is perfect
True, but you're responsible for your own happiness, so if you aren't taking steps to improve a miserable situation you can't expect people to wear the brunt of it
How can he be a pastor and on 3rd marriage, usa is lost if thats so
The same way Dave Ramsey is always telling everyone to go out and get married as if it will solve all your problems in life
😂
I have an uncle that’s been married 5-6 times and ended up as a pastor. 😅
I thought he was a Facility Maintenance guy working for a church.
This is a very complex problem when on the outside looking in. People don't know what's really going on. I was on son in law side for along time. I took a closer look. So when someone says they don't do there part look at both parties first.
So why not find a job doing the same thing but with better management?
Because it’s church and he’s a pastors son and that’s what’s expected of him. Even John won’t go against that stupid expectation.
Simple. Don’t bring your work stress home. Your wife and children did nothing to you. Leave work at the door and the wife do the same thing.
This will not be a popular comment but here goes.
With how expensive, stressful, demanding, and nasty the world is, I give credit to anyone who can get to 50 something and not be grumpy!! My hat is off to you all.
Amen. I just let it all hang out now.
Ha! Appreciate the honestly, man 😆
I think Dr. John assumes to much about the other person in this equation. It's not fair to tell the woman all this stuff without speaking to the husband and finding out if his assumptions are correct.
Oh man. We’re just coming out of that now. He changed jobs. It’s been a world of a difference!!! 2 months into it. We’ll see if that’s the difference we needed. Whew!!!! We have and are overcoming. He would literally tell me not to approach him when he got home. Now we hug and kiss at the door. We worked really hard to make changes. We accept each others crazy and want to grow together. We’re learning as we go.
He works a hard day and then comes home to nitpicking and nagging and she’s shocked why he’s grumpy. This is her THIRD marriage and I can see why. Statistics say there is a 75% to 80% chance she is going to fail at this marriage. Glad John called her out on that!!
I guarantee that she stopped having sex with him and treating him nicely once they got married
Exactly!
Yup
@@simshengvue5799I can see that happening
Yes! Exactly....
My husband works a hard labour job, when he comes home after a 10 hour shift I let him decompress and if I have anything important to tell him I wait till he has time to rest and eat his dinner. She probably starts nagging him the minute he comes home, no wonder he is grumpy.
Lucky man
Your husband appreciates that. Its not that he doesn't care about your issues. He just want to settle down first.
You get it, she doesnt. Sadly, Dr John would never tell her this
You are a saint. People don't realize how much certain individuals NEED to decompress, both men and women.
Some men will still complain. I don’t say a word until he decides to talk. He finds anything to complain about. Every man is different.
You can sense the frustration in her voice. Taking it all out on his family
This was my husband but he is THE boss- owns his own business. He was so unhappy and so was everyone one else :(
Leave now!!!!!!!!!!!!
Praying now that I can transfer this in how I parent my boys.
Living with my husband is like trying to live with a tornado.
When my husband and I would drive home from work, we made it a rule to not talk…….just to be quiet, as we each unwound from the stresses of our job. By the time we got home, things were a little more relaxed. I would cook our dinner, and by that time, we were back to our normal jovial selves and could share our day with eachother. It saved many an argument for us.
Men don't want another Mother. Im a single female and didn't want a Daddy. I've stayed single for 20 years now and have the love of my life my cat Rocky boo boo. Hes grumpy but keeps the house clean.
To work for a Religious organization and have a difficult boss says a lot about that Religious organization. I have worked for a couple of religious organizations and they are the worst bosses. I have strong religious beliefs but I will not never again work for a religious organization. Definitely this guy needs to find another job.
Imagine that a church being a hell hole to work 😂
They all are. They use the name of god to manipulate people to get more out of them. They even use the phrase “we want to USE you” every day so at least they’re up front about it.
She said "religious organizations;" not church.
@@judypaladino4957 good one
When she said he needs to "behave" I knew that she was probably the issue lol. A lot of contempt from her.
@@wordsalad01how long does one need to decompress. What if the whole time he’s home he’s in a bad mood…?
@@Price8903if she is up his butt all the time, he'll never decompress
@@Price890340 minutes-hour. I’m a woman and I need about that much time. It’s not hard to figure out. You don’t bombard people with lists and work when they come through the door.
@@Price8903the nagging is what extends the bad mood.
You know a woman lacks maturity when she says "behave" when talking about her husband.
My husband acts like he doesn't have any work problems!!!
It can actually be due to a bad work environment. If you’ve never had a soul sucking job then you don’t know how draining it can be. Granted, he shouldn’t take it out on his family, but it can be overwhelming to a person. Plus she’s a bit much with the whole “behave” weirdness. 😂 She probably feels similar to his boss and it can be just too much.
As he is coming in the door you're heading out the door to your evening job! Problem solved. Worked for my parents. 😂
Yep lol. We are empty nesters. My husband and I work opposite shifts. He leaves for work at 2pm. I get home from work at 3:30. I get up for work at 6am and he comes home at 6-7am. I enjoy coming home from work to just my dogs. It's peaceful.
Man, I know I feel like another boss my husband can never please, but it's hard when my health is bad enough that just trying to be self-sufficient for daily tasks is enough to make my body crash. I really wish I could be self-reliant, so I wouldn't feel the need to have him do A, B, and C all the time for fear of my mental and physical well-being. At the beginning of this, my EEG showed my brain was operating so inefficiently that it would be normal to take me all day to do what a normal person can do in 30 minutes. I'm so tired of poor health that limits my abilities to take care of myself and love my husband well...
Sounds familiar my wife is moving out week
I think I was so angry bc I was living a lie not being honest with myself on how I felt about wife. Our marriage was simply loveless. Prayers needed for us all
I'll pray for you both. Hope you both find your way to love and peace.
@@MegaTrollbait thanks 🙏
Are you still in love with an ex?
It’s hard to be hilarious when he walks in the door and starts questioning, complaining and being overbearing.
I think part of this was first needing to reset intentions and expectations by sitting down with the spouse and discussing that the emotional environment of the home is not what either of you want, that you want to work on changing that and making it a home you both want to return to every day, then figuring out what you both want your home to feel like when you walk in the door and how to compromise in ways that will support the construction of that feeling.
I liked his example of his own wife asking him to turn the outside lights on if he gets home first, because coming home to a dark house made her feel like he didn’t care whereas coming home to a lit house made her feel cared for by her husband. It’s a super small thing that I’m sure her husband is happy to do as a small compromise on his part to accommodate her feelings and let her know he’s thinking of her and actively supporting her needs each and every day, no matter that lights on or off really shouldn’t upset anyone. The fact is that it made her feel unwelcomed and frustrated and that he was being inconsiderate of her each and every day, and she told him, and once he knew that he committed to performing a small action that not only resolves the problem, but also reminds his wife every day that he is committed enough to their marriage to consistently do that small thing for her. It’s lovely.
And I’d 100% be saying that if the sexes were flipped as well, before anyone gets into that. Clearly that was just one example he gave and the exercise has to go both ways, with both parties owning up to what behaviors would help move each of them closer to or further away from what they, as a married couple, decide they want their home to feel like.
I had a similar daily frustration that I’m sure was largely invisible to my family- I used to get home from work last every day to a locked front door (very safe area). It minutely worsened my mood every single time I walked up to that door and twisted that handle, anticipating that it wouldn’t turn; it was so freaking annoying to me that every single day, my loved ones had so little regard for me that they’d always just inconsiderately lock me out and make me struggle with the key. It absolutely made me feel like they weren’t happy to have me returning home. Illogical? Maybe. But that’s definitely what it felt like. What was usually a small inconvenience and transient frustration on normal days would, on the occasional very frustrating, miserable day, result in me getting home, stalking up to the front door internally grousing about how my ungrateful and inconsiderate family for sure locked me out again, twisting the knob and having that suspicion confirmed, fumbling for my keys and having the lock jam slightly, and then I’m suddenly yanking back and forth on the locked door and using my fist to loudly bang on it in frustration. Someone would open it for me 10 seconds later and act all surprised at my bad mood and scowl, and I’d brush by with a snide comment and glare and isolate myself alone in the bedroom, grousing.
It literally never occurred to me that I’d never told my family that coming home to a locked door made me feel that they were being deliberately inconsiderate of me, which felt like a behavioral indication that I was unloved, and that they didn’t want me home. I’d just griped repeatedly to please stop locking the freaking door before I get home from work, which they never understood as anything that really mattered to me despite that internally, it bothered me slightly to moderately on a daily basis. In other words, they never saw deliberately not locking the door behind them after getting home first as a way to practice loving me, as a small gesture that would have, each day upon returning home, reminded me that they care enough about me to make that consistent effort to do that differently for me. I’m sure looking back that if I had approached it that way and told my family how it would help me feel loved and wanted to have that door unlocked upon returning home, they would have, happily. But I assumed they knew and just didn’t care enough despite me telling them to stop locking it constantly over years.
All that to say, the doc’s suggestion actually gives couples the opportunity to identify behaviors they can each regularly perform to better meet the specific emotional and environmental needs of their partner. In addition to reducing the problematic behaviors and introducing positive behaviors, just seeing your partner make the effort every day to remember and bother to consistently perform those small compromises to their behavior would be huge in feeling loved and supported by your partner. Also, it gives you a way to show that same level of love, consideration, and compromise back in ways that your spouse tells you matter to them. Great suggestion.
I have a mother who no matter how many times I have this conversation with her does not feel the need to change her behavior, not even when I told her that her negativity triggers my eating disorder and she is literally helping me kill myself. She doesn't care and won't stay distanced from me enough for me to heal myself.