Alone is better than this. I am speaking from experience, Ashley. I left an abusive marriage of 20 years with 3 kids with a little money and no parents to rely on. We lived in an apartment provided by the local battered women's shelter. We slept on the carpeted floor with no furniture. And it was 1000% better than living in a 2000 sq ft furnished house with a monster. Leave ... please, God ... leave.
Ashley and I have been with an abuser..once the line of abuse gets moved they dont stop!! It gets worse and worse and they will keep pushing that line and you will get hurt honey..please leave!! It doesnt mean that the love for him stops but please love yourself and those babies more!! You cannot make him love you by staying..and your love doesnt change him...I love you and want you to be ok!! I have been there and it gets better and you will see more clearly once you are free!!!
"He's a horrible husband but an amazing father" is not possible. A man can't treat the mother of his children terribly and be a good father. This woman is so psychologically damaged. I hope she gets herself and her children away from that man.
Yep agree the two don't go together. The only reason she said that is she's justifying him. She's trying to make him a good dad when clearly he's not. A good dad is also a good husband.
@@Spacemomma4426So somehow, as an adult, you still think your dad was superman even tho he treated your mom like trash?!🤔 A person cant be "good" if they treat one person great but another horribly. Sounds like you inherited some delusion from him
It actually is possible. Some parents are even good to one child and not the other child. People can be kind and loving toward one person and mean and hateful to another person even in the same house.
She is terrified, paralyzed with fear. He's an abuser. She is scared have a conversation with him about anything, which has led to her be scared to have a conversation with anyone. She's at her most vulnerable with two babies and pregnant. Praying she gets help.
WHY DOES SHE KEEP GETTING PREGNANT! 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡 lord. She wanna be a victim. He is also a terrible person! Both of them are terrible. Poor kids. He has beat her in past but she birth three kids nonsense. She loves him? What a joke. Gives all excuse not to get help. Irresponsible. I understand depression, I have been in a situation where I just kept victimizing myself but seeking love over safety of your kids and yourself is crazy😊
@@shachede6828 She feels powerless,the longer her mind and body is paralyzed by fear, the harder it is to break. She called so hopefully she's ready to leave.
This woman is incredibly brave. Translation of what she was saying: “my husband has nearly killed me before. I broke myself to stay quiet enough to give him no reason to rage at me. He will definitely kill me or my children if he knows I’m talking. And he’ll stalk us if we leave. If I want my kids to live, I have to stay and accept it. The police can’t offer protection from this level of abuse. She’s not giving up and being a martyr. She’s being held captive. There’s a difference.
@@ethanrubin6679 The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she tries to leave. She needs help and a place where she and her kids can be safe.
@@ethanrubin6679 Yes, it is THAT serious. Previous murder attempts, and even threats to kill her, and/or the children, shoot her to the top of the list of needing serious protection right now. Unfortunately, like many victims at that point, they believe if they can just appease the abuser, no harm will happen (wrong!) She is in huge denial as to the situation she is currently in.
You stated this woman’s situation perfectly. This podcaster is just another person in along line of persons in this woman’s life attempting to shut her up with systemic punishment. A man rages, woman must collect the children and raise them on her own . That is what our broken system has to offer, and this podcaster just drives another nail in her coffin. Staying with this monster unfortunately, is far better for this lady than anything the police will do to her and her children. This lady knows it too, you can her her clam up and double back and beg for this not to happen. WTF. When will anyone wake up?
Yeah, when she kept saying, “he’s an amazing father” I said out loud, “NO, HE’S NOT!” 🙁 He doesn’t love and care for his children’s mother, he leaves them screaming when she’s trying to make dinner or take a dang shower, only engages and plays with them when she tells him to…sorry - that is NOT an amazing father. Not by any stretch of the imagination.
My mom was in this EXACT position. With a 4 yr old, a 1 yr old, and 3 mos pregnant. She left. He found us and almost killed her. We moved again and hid from him. No one believed he was an abuser, including the judge. He never spent even a single night in jail. He was awarded every other weekend visitation rights. I was terrified of him. It was hard for her and us. Justice was never served to the abuser. Five yrs later she remarried and he stopped the stalking.
People don't realize women will stay to prevent the visitation rights forcing their child to spend more time with Dad than they would if they stayed married.
I was in a narcissistic relationship for 5 years, we had a son & unfortunately now that man is still in my life. But when I met my husband, I said “you never know what the sun feels like because you’ve been living in the shade” I just never knew how bad he really was to me…I thought it was me. I am praying for this woman. She has been completely broken down
This!! I was in an abusive relationship that was on and off for 9 months. he hit me, he belittled me, he told me my family didn't care about me, he threatened to hurt himself when he could see I was on the verge of leaving, yet he could leave and not say a word to me for days. He left bruises all over my body, including my face. I was never willing to call it abuse when I was with him, I made up excuses for him, and most devastatingly I stayed because I thought I had found the person I deserved. My friends witnessed the abuse and nobody tried to stop it, until a new kid at school (I'd never met him, but my ex had known him from church and they'd been to school together in earlier years) saw him trying to shove me to the ground. I started becoming friends with him, and my ex told me to stay away from him because he was bad news. At that point, I had no respect for his opinion and started to open up to the new kid at school about what I was going through. He would stick up for me, and eventually told me I had to block all contact with him or he was going to "make him dissappear". obviously it was an empty threat, but I only left because I thought it would protect my ex. Once I blocked him, there was such an overwhelming sense of freedom throughout my whole body. I kept talking to the new kid, and eventually he became my boyfriend. We're still together, and he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's chivalrous, kind, and understanding. In the beginning, he always took our firsts slow, and made sure I was okay every step of the way. I wish I could go back to myself as a freshman and tell her all the wonderful things that would happen once I cut out that leech, and I wish I could've been able to see what that relationship was while I was in it, but I'm so glad I am where I am right now.
@glowieokenney7915 amen. I pray you are kept safe. I was too. Over 10 yrs and was afraid of him as well. Finally had a DV and took the kid's. Separated 4yrs but he recently took his life. Never did I think he'd do that. Thought he'd take mine before he do what he did.
@@Monalisa0622 omg! He took his life!!! Wow, I’m sorry to hear that. Life is certainly challenging. We never know what is going to happen. I’m glad you got away, but what a tragedy for your family to go through. I’ve been with Adam for 25 years. I’m ready for my own place and peace and quiet. Husband is an alcoholic on top of being a narcissist. So sad!
@glowieokenney7915 I understand. So proud that you have made the decision to get out and to be set free. I am single and plan on being single for some time while we heal. I've been listening to this podcast Tim Fletcher on complex trauma, it's a series. It's helped me process my emotions and to have grace with myself. I hope the best for you. I hope you heal and have the life you deserve. For us for now it's just us 3, it's peaceful and hard belly laughs at time. We will heal with God's grace
@@Monalisa0622 thank you so much I really appreciate all your kind words. Yes I’m in agreement with you. God will heal our wounds and it’s gonna take some time but I’m so glad that I am leaving and not have to deal with him anymore. God bless you.
People are so judgmental. Yes, it's frustrating to hear about a situation, but we aren't living in it, with an abuser and two little kids. Years of abuse and mind games can make you feel almost paralyzed. Stop blaming the victim.
I agree. We can all become stuck in situations that aren't good for us and denying that only serves to fool ourselves into believing that it could never happen to us because we are somehow better.
No man or woman is perfect. But shaming and gaslighting people doesn't help anyone! You don't scream and yell at a woman who's been beat most of her life and hope she will just be fine and happy. The cycle of abuse will continue. You don't hit people you love.
Not blaming, but it is necessary to be clear about what she needs to do! I understand 100% being paralyzed in fear, stuck in a abusive situation. She needs to hear it loud she needs to leave, until she does. It can take a while, she needs therapy asap.
What a horror long term abuse is, this poor woman lives in perpetual terror. It was such an act of strength she even made this call. I hope she and her children get out safely.
So many of us have been here. SOOOOOO many of us. Drowning, dying, feeling our lives were in danger, having young children without support... Dr. John is sooooo good. I wish a show like this existed for me years ago. This woman has been so programmed to believe she has no value, and an abusive jerk is the best she can get. Girl, get out. In 5 years you can be in a complete 180 of happiness.
@@dr.jenniferma3914 what the main concern is that she had kids I am hoping that she can get her some resources and get someone to back up with her and stand with her
@tonibe6671 That is 180 degrees backward. There was never 'a marriage', that, and the children, were a means to an end to tie the victim to the abuser. Most abusers do not start out that way (superficially), they wait until the victim is trapped with few options to get away (a pile of children really seals that deal). It is an abuser strategy. He engineered the marriage and children to trap her and tie her to him.
Typically shortly after the wedding. I know a few women who said their abuse started thd night of the honeymoon. Mine started 2 months after the wedding.
@@joyfulrealtor DV happens over extended periods of time. No one is abused from the beginning. It is after you are cut off and have children keeping you from leaving. Not everyone has family to call.
She’s scared to say what’s in her head. It doesn’t matter how nicely she says it to him, it will be the wrong time , wrong tone wrong words. You can’t communicate properly with an abuser. They immediately get defensive and play the victim and turn the situation around on you and at the end of it you end up apologizing to them. It’s frustrating and feels incredibly hopeless
It's true. You'll be crying because they've been ignoring you and they will somehow turn it into, "Your tears are your problem. You can't handle your emotions. You're needy and asking for too much." You believe them on some level and the train just keeps going.
This must be the toughest call. The mental state of abused people is so so difficult to penetrate. This is very heart breaking, cause I have seen this in someone very close to me.
It is not 'difficult to penetrate' at all. If you were in a bank, it got held up, and everyone there was threatened to be killed, how would you react? Basically you behave, to try to buy time, and hopefully escape. What you could do for your friend, is research whatever resources may be available locally. Shelters, exit planning, helping her move or secure her treasured items, whatever. Be the lifeline.
@@Cafeallday222 I understand more than you know, and "when they are ready" is the least common reason. And spoken like a true outsider who knows little. Main reasons include lack of resources (places, financial), fear of retribution, mental state of being broken down in confidence, etc. All of the reasons are generally overcome by some kind of outside support. "When they are ready" is such a dumb assessment of the situation. "When they have adequate support" is actually the true answer. But getting to the bottom of why someone does not make that move is the critical factor.
You can find good single men with no judgment in their hearts. I just met a gal with 5 kids. She’s 31 and sweetest most genuine person I ever met. I don’t mind she has 5 kids. She’s a package deal.
Sir, you are a God send. 👏Stay awesome. You are a solid unselfish man. You have blessed this mom and her children. I hope you find every happiness and success in life. ❤
I hope she doesn't read the comments here. I imagine the people attacking her here either don't understand how abuse works or are abusers themselves. Sexual abuse includes being pushed to have children as an effort to control and isolate. Financial abuse may include her not having a job. I can hear the effects of emotional and psychological abuse; she could be a shell of herself and completely overwhelmed. I imagine she is not safe, and may be scared to even say she is worried about being killed. She may be worried about having the police come to her home because its possible that they could put her life in danger. What is going to happen to her after the police leave? Look at what happened to Gabby Petito, she was crying and devastated, and he was as cool as a cucumber; look at who the police believed. The family court system is a disaster and abusive men know how to turn the charm on and off. There is a distinct possibility that leaving could mean her kids are with him 50% of the time, the natural default of the court system, with lack of her supervision. Abuse is a complex web of deceit and lies.
Yes! You get it! Simply put, she’s stuck in cognitive dissonance by being trauma bonded to a narcissist who likely keeps promising and future faking that he will be a better Husband.
Next month will make a year since I abruptly left with our 8 month old. I literally told him I was fearful of him. I told him when he throws things, hits things around me, slaps himself, I get scared and am scared that he will take things further. I didn’t realize this was abuse. We he screamed at me and berated me in front of our son who was one month old at the time I knew I needed to leave to protect myself and my child. Best decision I have ever made. I was able to grieve. I’m finally happy and can celebrate the joyous holidays again. Our divorce is finalized yet (he’s dragged it out intentionally) but I can breathe. “You cannot grieve until you are safe” You, my dear are living to survive. Save yourself. Save your babies. The deserve a happy, whole, and healed beautiful mother. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU DID NOT BREAK UP YOUR FAMILY. Kid become adults, eventually. I love you and am sending you so many hugs and love right now!
This was me years ago when my kids were small. I felt 100% trapped. I couldn’t see the whole truth of my situation until I got away and could look at it from the outside. I wish I could go get this mom and kids and rescue her 😔
I have very deep understanding for this unhappy woman. Narcissts are manipulative. They are perfect in disturbing the Partner. The emotional abuse is overwhelming, that the partner is loosing the reality. And the question:"Why are you till there ?" ...doesn't help. She is frozen from panic. And needs somebody to take her hand and leed her to a safe place. Oh, my God, there must be an understanding, kind person to help her out. Explanations don' t reach her in such a situation of complete desparation.
When my baby was a month old I went through abuse. He beat the ish out of me and I called the police, got a restraining order, and pressed charges. He served a year in prison. I left with absolutely nothing and moved out of state with my newborn and 3 year old. I got a job and apt. You can do this. Now I am happy this happened 7 years ago. You can do this. Youre stronger than you know. My now husband is amazing. You will find better for you and your little ones.
I hope she reads this. I left an abusive marriage and have been a single mom of 2 for the last year and a half. I was a stay at home mom before, I had no money to my name. He had me in loads of credit card debt, left me with no electricity and gave me no money for groceries at the time. Looking back I’m so ashamed that I even wanted that “man” to love me. Please realize that you don’t want a “man” like that to love you! He doesn’t know what love is. There are so many men out there that would be happy to love you and your kids, but you need to get out of there and gain some self confidence back first. You are not safe and there is a better life out here waiting for you. You will see❤️
Men and women, please recognize your love in not enough for an abuser. They don't love themselves, so they can't love you in the proper way. Ladies, I would strongly reconsider having additional children with a person whose shown they're abusive. Go on birth control for a bit. Even though your abuser may tell you you'll never be anything, or find anyone to love you - you are something very special and amazing. You will find a person who will value all of who you are. Take back your voice!
@@michellesimmons3150 Good people can be strong and confident too and they should. Because if they believe in the goodness and value of everybody except their own, then their goodness is questionable. And it actually is because it's "people pleasing " not goodness. This is why they don't mind sacrificing their children's wellbeing whose approval they don't need , since children love and trust unconditionally for the sake of the abuser whose validation they can't live without. They have a pattern of putting abusers above themselves and everyone else who actually loves and cares for them, and there's no sacrifice they wouldn't give for and to the abuser. The main reason why people stay in abusive relationships has more to do with them than with "goodness " or the abuser, unless the abuser is locking them inside and taking the key. Usually it's self loathing that convinces them they deserve that ( it's in the subconscious,not in the conscious mind) and the subconscious runs our lives regardless what we may vocalise to like or not want. She has to deal with her deep beliefs about herself if she ever wants to be free
i disagree, they choose people with low self-esteem and a saviour complex. Mostly women who were very young when they met and see marriage as their biggest accomplishment, or have no options to turn to. A good hearted person would be unable to stand such evil and would leave. Most people i've noticed who stay give excuses because they aren't strong enough to leave @@michellesimmons3150
I was in this almost same situation 2 years ago. My husband finally left me. At the time I was devastated but Omgosh I am SO happy 2 years out!!! Yes I am a single mother, but my body feels like it can finally breathe. And I can LIVE! I was a stay at home mother as well. Girl you GOT THIS.- from one single mom to another ❤
happy he left u, i hope you find a partner that will accept you and your baby and if not i hope you take care of yourself and the baby it’s what you deserve
This was hard to hear. As a child from abusive marriage, I resented my mom for staying too long in a hostile marriage. I tried to forgive my mother, but her maladaptive behavior affected all aspects of her life as a woman and mother. Her children are being abused by the environment they live in. I hope the caller gets away from her abusive husband. Then, get her tubes tied.
How can you resent the woman that made sure you are alive today? Seems like you would show her some mercy and love from the personality change inflicted by your father. I hope you can find it in your heart to do so. She will be gone someday.
I'm so sorry you went through that. It is very normal to blame your mother. It's because she is safer to be angry with. It must be so difficult. I get it. I hope you an come to a place of forgiveness and peace in your life. ❤
@@klk3230 I have forgiven and love my mom. However, she will not be given another opportunity to hurt me or my family again. It is for physical safety as well, not just mental. I
I was in the same situation, he was abusive towards both her and me and my siblings, she didnt leave until i became a teen and went to social workers myself and got us out of there, it took me many years to get rid of the anger I had towards her, but what makes me angry most of all is that he didnt get punished that I will not get over
Made sure they are alive by keeping them in the presence of the abuser? Her inability to leave shows them weakness not strength and deep down inside they know she isnt doing it for them, it is for herself@@klk3230
Simply put, she’s stuck in cognitive dissonance by being trauma bonded to a narcissist who likely keeps promising and future faking that he will be a better Husband. She knows the rage that he’s capable of and doesn’t want to push his limits by asking too much of him nor by leaving him. Instead, she feels the need to die inside in an effort to “save” the marriage and pacify him.
@@fauxbro1983How’s this …. she likely is so used to walking in eggshells that she is afraid of his reaction if she attempts to leave or complain. Every attempt in the past to change things has ended in punishments by him… yelling, physically, withdrawing, blaming, or other negatives. A person becomes accustomed to shutting up and dealing… It happens so much that the abuse is viewed as normal. ( People who have messed up childhoods don’t see the red flags as easily. A person with happy relationships modeled as a child with boundaries would have ended the relationship years ago. Controlling abusive people eventually find a victim that tolerates it. It’s a cycle that is hard to break. )
Exactly, they (the people saying just leave) dont have to live with the consequences of that. They dont know if the man will stalk and kill her or her children, they dont know if she will be homeless. The country is bleeding money and the programs that help domestic violence victims, often cant help long if at all in some areas….she may not have family that will help or worse they may believe the abuser. Abusers are often charming and very manipulative.
Tell me about it. And it's not to be discouraging either. It's just the truth that all guys don't let you leave peacefully even when they are in the wrong. Especially when they know they have really no one to help or they feel as tho no one is there to help.
That's still not the worst case scenario. The worst case scenario is she could traumatize her kids and watch them become adult addicts or dysfunctional like their dad. She could have a stillbirth because toxic fathers cause that to pregnant mothers according to Dr Gabor Maté She could end up with autoimmune diseases and spend her old age in agony and spending the money she doesn't have to cope Because being exposed to prolonged negative emotions increases women's possibility to have cancer by 70%, and auto immune diseases. She could die. He could leave her penniless for another woman. She thinks it's the best solution to stay , it's not. It's the safest in her mind that is focused on surface level thinking, not in reality or in the long run.
Exactly! It’s easy to say just leave, but it’s much more difficult than that. A lot of times, abuse victims don’t have anywhere to go. There are shelters, but there can be a lack of space and funding so sometimes people are turned away. Abusers also like to isolate their victims so they may not have anyone to reach out to for help. And if they are being financially abused, a lot of times they don’t have the funds to leave to get a hotel temporarily or a new place. That’s not to mention that a lot of abusers also track their victims by having cameras, gps devices, etc to know where the victim is at all times.
This was an odd one. The confusing responses is likely trauma bonding and stockholm's syndrome. You want help, but when offered you decide you don't want it. I really hope she can find someone to help her get out of this situation. It really sounds awful.
She’s not ready to leave him she’s in the excuse faze. I’ve been there lady and from experience I started with counselling and little by little my eyes opened up. A word of advice don’t tell him everything and keep some things to yourself because he will use your words against you.
Hey ma'am, I was in this exact kind of marriage for that long with 3 kids, isolated, no support, no money, no car and so on. It doesn't get better. And if it ever were to, it's not worth your mental health and physical safety. You can't be around someone sick and not catch a cold too. Everyday with him is death to you. And then you won't have anything worthwhile to teach your kids about life and love. I'm a year separated and I wish I had left earlier when the signs were there. It. Doesn't. Get. Better. Well wishes to you.
I was her just two years ago. Leaving was terrifying and it took me two years to realize I had no sense of worth from being in that relationship. Leave leave leave and use that better help he’s giving you.
You're courageous. I hope things got better for you. It's sad that these stories are so very common. Good on you for coming to the realization that things weren't gonna get better. You saved yourself and your kids. I hope life is treating you very well.❤🙏🏾💪🏽
PLEASE GET IN CONTACT WITH HER TO FOLLOW UP! I beg you Dr Delony! Anyone who has 3 or more children ther are close in age like this young mother will understand exactly what my concern is for her. Especially in an abusive marriage like this. If she is already that stressed and overwhelmed and at her breaking point trying to manage everything while simultaneously living in constant fear that anything whe says or does... Or doesn't do or doesn't do right is going to set her unpredictable husband off... When that 3rd baby is born, that little thread she's been holding onto her sanity with is going to break and send her crashing to the ground. Hard. she already felt isolated and alone. She already felt overwhelmed and inadequate. He was already mean to and angry with her for her having these emotions and for needing help. He has already made it very clear that she and the kids are more of a burden than a blessing to him. He had already msde it clear that he doesn't want to help and doesn't even feel obligated to help. He has no empathy at all, for her or her children. And be shows no signs of remorse or regret, hell he doesn't even seem to take any responsibility for how much his shitty behavior is negatively affecting his entire family. The level if stress and pressure that a 3rd kid can have on even a healthy stable household can often times push parents and marriages right to the edge of their breaking point. In a situation like this young mother who is already at that edge and she's genuinely terrified of what her husband might do if he ever hits his breaking point... I'm genuinely concerned for their safety. Please follow up with her. Make sure she reached out to her family and that they are supporting her. And that she is actually getting professional help from a therapist... Possibly taking something to help with postpartum depression... 💔
@@Mica-e4p This is a woman who, in my guess and from the commenst made, is trauma bonding with her abuser. He may or may not allow her to go anywhere without his permission. He may want more kids just to keep her in line. If he wants sex, I'm guessing he takes it. In some places that's called r@pe. She so wants to be loved by him and he doesn't care. She's trapped with a violent man with 2 small children and a baby on the way. And maybe she's completely isolated from anyone who can help. It doesn't even sound like her family of origin can be of much help. When someone is in survival mode, the last thing they are thinking about is the future (birth control) she's thinking of surviving in the moment.
I was here when my teen daughter was a baby. Now these days, almost everyone has the means to record. Please, if you have an abusive partner GET PROOF. When I tried to tell the court the mediator said "he didn't seem abusive and no judge will jeep this father from his child" I got LUCKY because he had a new domestic violence charge from his new girl so he faded from our lives after that and I was happy to let him. WE ARE AFRAID TO LEAVE BECAUSE IF WE SPILT UP THE ABUSIVE PARTNER WILL HAVE VISITATION UNCHECKED WITH A VIOLENT EX.
If she lives with him for years she will regret that she didn't leave when she grows old.She will realize she wasted her life away.She might grow bitter and angry.
Sometimes you stay so that you don't have to split custody and you can keep your kid out of a more toxic environment. For fear they will be mistreated when you're not around.
I think you're right. She doesn't want to leave. She wants to fix him and make him care. My feeling is that if she had a feeling of self worth, she'd be gone already.
Calling the authorities may make it worse. She needs to quietly make a plan of escape and educate herself on psychological abuse so she understands exactly what she is dealing with. You have to stay one step ahead of them. Some of these abusers will try to destroy you. This is nothing to play around with.
Behaviour is a language that’s powerful. I feel for her. The lack of self worth is stemming from gaslighting, coercive control and isolation. Poor lady she might even be susceptible to postpartum here. Bless her.
If he lets the one year old cry, while you try to do a practical, necessary thing - and you’ve got another baby on the way, he is NOT a good father. Playing with the kids doesn’t make him one. I hate all this for her and the kids.
I have just left my abusive husband. I have a two children under 2. I went to the police and he is being charged with assault. There are supports out there. I endured years of physical, emotional, and financial abuse. It took me forever to leave. You can do it
I’m not at the part where he stops blaming her yet. Dr John you jumped so fast on her. You didn’t hear her desperation. She’s not a martyr. She’s in the mental box of abuse. Oh god. Dr. You’re so discerning so often. But you’re beating down on her before you understood her situation. Ashley, you’re not alone. My heart is broken for you. You are worth getting out. You are worth kindness. I know you’re so beaten down. You deserve to rise up. I’m sending you so much love. ❤
Geez, she shouldn't tell a dangerous husband she's going to leave, she needs to make a plan then when he's out of the house for a few hours just take the kids and go.
You CAN leave him! There are better men out there! Please get help! I've left 3 abusive relationships, 2 were marriages. One children from each marriage. I'm finally with a good man who takes care of us and loves me. Praying for you!
@@NatalieS-kh3ck It was what I can only describe as a divine encounter. I didn't think God would trust me with any man at all, after what I've done. But a dangerous situation lead us to meeting each other, and he was the only one willing to stick his neck out to protect us, even though we never met before. We discovered we had many things in common and fell in love. Now we're married and just had our first child together. 🥰
I gotta say, sometimes the courts do take the sides of a master manipulator which is 100% what she thinks. HOWEVER she can't break out of this cycle because she hopes he can change. She hopes that he will love her the way she loves him. It's so so hard for women to leave when they're stuck in this delusional loop. It's not reality. I feel so much for her.
Get out! I’m 68 and I have been through a lot in my lifetime. Your kids need you to do whatever you need to do to pick yourself up. Tell your people around you that you need help. It’s possible to start from scratch, I’ve done it 3 or 4 times. You will be so glad you did.
My heart broke into a million pieces listening to this. Parents….please help her!!!! He is not going to change or love you back, Ashley. I don’t know you, but I know you deserve love, respect and compassion. Let it go and build new ❤❤❤
Poor thing. This is distressing. You can't make him love you. Something tells me that she ignored all the warning signs that this man was a bat. I hope she gets the help that she needs. She remains with her husband because she feels trapped. He is the provider. Ladies, life is messy and don't (always) go according to plan. Make it possible (for you) to provide for yourself and the kids just in case the relationship heads south. She has stockholm's syndrome. She needs help and she needs it NOW. My kids, not our kids? How can a father babysit his children? This is madness.
My sister has finally gotten out of her abusive relationship of 20 years. She finally left last week. He destroyed everything and she was only able to save a few things she needed for her job. Other than that, he’s leaving her with absolutely nothing. He is incredibly vindictive. And the kids are teenagers and we’re joining in the abuse against their mom. She’s lost not only her husband, but her kids and everything else. This kind of situation just breaks my heart. I hope Ashley can find peace enough to get a plan together so she and her kids can stay safe
Well I heard it right...PREGNANT with number 3. What is wrong with these women who are in a dead marriage and keep having kids. Sorry but you need to know to STOP
@May I'm so glad that your sister got out. At this point If it were me, I wouldn't care what he dstroyed - as far as things are concerned. What matters is she still has her life. Thank God. There will be a day that comes, when her kids realize that their thinking was not coming from themselves. That it was coming from their father and they were just following. Tell her, right now, she should focus on getting HERSELF back to a comfortable mental state and not to focus too much on how they feel about her, but she can still love them the same. She needs to realize that she needs to take care of herself first and with the situation currently, that's what's most important. I would rather live under a bridge than live with someone who is abusing me. Sending love and light to your sister. She got away and that's the biggest part. Tell her NEVER GO BACK! EVER!
The most heartbreaking thing in the world for me was hearing a woman who is scared of being killed by her husband weep about all she wants is for him to love her back.
I wasn’t married nor did I have children, but I found myself in an abusive situation where I was too fearful and anxious to leave. My exit from the relationship was not at all graceful and required my parents, and his parents, involvement to physically remove me from the situation as safely as possible. I am eternally grateful to have left and that I had people to care for me when I didn’t care for myself. healing wasn’t easy and sometimes felt like I was on a rollercoaster but it is possible. May she find peace and healing.
I agree with so many former comments. I WAS this woman in many ways. Here’s the thing. He has her terrified and my money is also on severe postpartum depression. But also, when I was in that same situation and talked about leaving, my ex told me he would take the two kids and disappear deep in South America. I knew he was capable so I stayed. What I’d say NOW is, let him huff and puff, but one day while he’s at work, pack yourself and the kids over to your parents’ house and get help for yourself. If he’s as bad as you say (and he could be) you will LATER regret staying and thinking you can work through the grief of a non-marriage. Your kids will be MESSED UP. Mine were and went through he((. It is SO not worth being the martyr. There IS help out there. Love YOUR KIDS enough to find it, work on yourself and put him in the rear view mirror. IF you’re not just reporting through a postpartum depression lens.
She doesn't want to leave the stability of having a nice house and two parents together but if he is abusive and doesn't love her, that would be far worse for the kids to live with and will cause more damage in the long run. They feel the tension and mommy's despair. It seems impossible now but you take it one step at a time. Even if it isn’t what you wanted, you will be far happier in time as a divorced mom who's healthy and whole and not abused, neglected and unloved. I was once broken and Jesus has been with me through it all. I'm 2-1/2 years out and in a much happier and peaceful place now and my tweens are doing great.❤
My mom chose to stay. Somewhere along the way she began channeling her anger and damage onto her children and redirected my father to do the same. Of their 7 kids 3 grew up to be addicts, 1 felon, 3 are bipolar, 2 are narcissists, and 2 are physically violent/abusive to others. If you stay with an abuser one of two things will happen 1) You die internally or literally, or 2) You adapt into a monster yourself. Those are your options. Also your children will be totally fucked up and miserable.
@thestorybehindthat5236 Yes, absolutely. I specifically divorced in the end (with all biblical grounds as evidence) because I saw myself only dying inside if I stayed and the cancer of abuse would spread to my kids. So sorry to hear what happened in your family. That sounds awful.
@@blueseptember2174yea i knew some women who also left thier jobs for thier kids. I ran a home daycare so I could be with my daughter and still make very very good money. Before that I was a nanny and brought her with me. There are options
@@blueseptember2174 I went back to work after each baby. We used baby sitters, day care etc. spent quality time with the kids on my days off. Sacrificed all my weekends so I’ll be off on school days. I didn’t want to have a break in my resume. It’s difficult being a mom. But it is more difficult if you let go of your individuality and personal growth. Being a mom should not be all we are.
Ashley, I am crying with you. Please know: You are worth being and feeling safe You are worth being loved You are worth asking for help and getting OUT. I thought I was dealt cards that I couldn't exchange as well. I felt I chose my ex and I made my bed so I had to sleep in it. That thinking was WRONG. I was and AM worth more than how I was being treated and used. Please, please make a secret plan to leave. Even if you have to go to a woman's shelter, they are safe and have so many resources for you to get on your feet ❤ I am praying for you, my friend!!
Yes and make the decision to leave even if you don't know if it's right or not or keep second-guessing yourself. Leave. Create distance so you can see the abuse for what it is.
Going through similar situation as this poor woman calling and this podcast kept me sane. Can’t tell anyone what I’m going through and listening to all these podcasts gives me hope and comfort that I will get out of it alive and it will end soon
I divorce an abuser after almost 43 years. I’ve been asked if I’m lonely since I live alone. Heck No!!! I’m not lonely whatsoever and I’m happy and getting healthy once again. I have no desire to be any other relationship other than my kids, grandchildren , my dogs and MYSELF !!! I’m enjoying my life for the first time since I was in high school! Please don’t settle for the bare minimum crumbs and please understand you will be more better off after you leave and receive consulting than for the many years of abuse . Life is too short! I waited way too long to realize that. Living this life with your abusive partner isn’t worth your health issues that you will have.
Sending prayers of strength to Ashley. I hope she finds the will to leave with the kids, and keep them and herself safe. My heart breaks for her. There a new life out there for her.
It's so very very heartbreaking to hear her keep defaulting to stick up for him. When her inner self is screaming, begging, pleading, for her to be honest and be truthful. But the the thing is, she is worrying about being taken away from her because he is crazy. But if CPS hears this conversation, they can take them now. Because she is keeping them and herself in a physically, emotionally, mentally abusive home. They can take them and make her be out and etc at getting them back. She is also not hearing herself. She wants it to work, she wants what isn't there and that is then putting herself and her kids in danger. Her self esteem is completely shattered and broken to the point she doesn't think there is any possible option. It's scary. She needs help. She needs help. Immediately.
@pinkpugginz that's easy enough to say, but it's a whole different story being the one in that situation. She has been going through this for years, so to say she shouldn't have gone through with the 3rd pregnancy. You could say the same about the first 2. But that is just not factual or a real option at this point. It's also not the unborn child's fault and there for is it fair to terminate that pregnancy, when she had brought 2 other kids into the world. I think that would be more detrimental to her overall stability and mental/ emotional health and wellbeing than her being in the situation she's in right now. Now that being said, it doesn't change the facts of current that are 1. She's admitted to staying and wanting the relationship to work, while knowing it's not a safe situation for her kids. The Child system will be able to look at that and say she is knowingly placing herself and the wellbeing of her kids in danger, there for she is not suitable at this time to continue having custody of those children. Until she removes herself from that situation and can prove to the system that she has gone through each step they require before even thinking about getting her kids back. It's just hard listening to the fact that she is more concerned with what she wants, what she has been conditioned to believe she wants due to lack of self-esteem and personal respect. Rather than knowing she needs to put her kids first and remove them from that situation willingly before they get removed from her forcefully.
The happy ending is to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get the hell out of a horrible marriage. No one is going to come rescue you. You have to get out, get some help, and march on with your life because it is worth saving. Your children's lives are worth saving. You are stronger than you think. You made the phone call to this program. You get out one step at a time to a much better future. And don't get married again thinking it will solve all your problems. It won't. Chances are you'd end up in the same situation. Fix yourself and fix your life. Stand tall and all my best to you and your children.
Ashley, I am the now adult child in your story. My mom didn't have the courage to leave. My grandma rescued us when I was 5. We packed up a few items and drove away. It was hard; we were poor and had to start from nothing, but I could finally relax. Parents think young kids don't remember, but I remember all the abuse and attempts on our lives. And now, in my 30s, I'm estranged from my family and in therapy trying to figure out why I can't have healthy relationships. Make an escape plan and execute it. You have to want a better life for yourself and your kids. Other people can't wish this away for you.
I'm eight minutes in but so far, I feel like Dr. Delony didn't do this one well. Counsellors are allowed to have an off day, it's just heartbreaking that it fell on the day when this terrified mom with fried nerves reached to hear a kind voice.
Yes, he wasn't aware of what was going on at first, but the AHA moment I saw was when he realized that her husband had been violent with her in the past. Then he shifted gears and handed her off to his assistant with the promise that the police would be called if she felt in danger. (Maybe his assistant had more resources at the ready...)
@@StephaniePasq-hg7vt I did watch till the end. There should be NO being dismissive of your callers at a help line at all. Again, even counsellors are allowed to have a bad day. But eight minutes are too long.
So sad to hear You say He doesn’t hurt me anymore because I don’t put myself in that situation anymore. Honey he is gonna really hurt you even more than he already does. I’m Definitely speaking from Experience. I finally had to have him arrested after an Assault. Ashley save yourself and your Babies PLEASE 🙏🏾❤
I found a woman.. in a similar situation.. 3 kids. Not exactly the same but close. And i love her and her kids more than anything. Dont be afraid of the future! Never know who can walk into your life.
My kids are now grown…but I was this woman. I didn’t have parents as they passed when I was 26 then the other 22. I thought because he loved the kids that would transfer to me…it never did. I left him once kids were out. Never been happier, but hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had had you to tell me these things back then. I was so scared he could somehow take my kids. He wasn’t physically abusive, but very silently intimidating. It’s what he didn’t say. The constant threat that he could take my kids if I left….he didn’t want me, but he didn’t want me gone…it made no sense. I walked on eggshells and worse I trained him how to do it by not standing up for myself. I had lost both parents, my fears were unreasonable looking back. I wish you luck and thought it looks bleak..find your happiness…for your kid’s sake. You are living my story…it did turn out for me. You can get out…never say never. ☺️
Question-if you had had someone like Dr John providing some advice, if you had some support (in the past) would you have likely listened to it? May I also ask what are the ramifications to your children having lived in a difficult home environment like that?
Possibly I would have listened…I had no one to speak about it to with no family. My kids luckily were the first priority to myself and my now x husband. If he did nothing else he followed my lead on raising them. We did not argue in front of the kids…in fact we didn’t argue…it was more of a silent existence except for the needs of the kids. He simply didn’t engage with me on any level except for the kids. We co-habituated until they were raised and our children have thrived as adults.
I stayed in an abusive marriage for 31 years. I became so lonely and isolated because I didn't have any support. Both my parents were dead and I was not living anywhere near my siblings. But the saddest thing is that my one daughter watched all this and has turned out to be just like her father. I should have left the first year I was married to him but hindsight is 20/20. If you are reading my comment, trust me it is never going to get better in fact it will just get worse. I'm lucky to be alive. Get out while you're young enough to start over.
She doesn't have a support network. She's vulnerable. He's the only person she knows. You can't fix him. It's overwhelming with children. Does she have any money?
This is why it is so important for women to be financially independent so when a man acts up you leave , I will never be stuck and more women are in this situation I hope you all come out, alot of women also think having another baby is going to save a marriage no its not , that is a broen women.
I relied on mine and that was a joke 😅. Never again. I will wait til I have my own income til I get into a relationship. His money will be ours and mine will be mine just in case.
I have witnessed very wealthy women who were the breadwinners in their homes stay while being victims of abuse, physical and mental. It is crazy to think about considering the fact that they had every means to leave but couldn't. It is more of a mental bondage than a financial or physical one. Those are easier to deal with.
Ashley and any other woman caught in this situational trap, please please find a domestic violence advocate to help you walk through this. A good advocate will help you see the cycles and tactics that keep you trapped, help you regain your voice and personhood, inform you of the options available to you, and help you achieve whatever options you choose while maintaining safety. There are local as well as national (if you are afraid for anyone in your community to be involved) organizations wanting to help you.
If you're still with your husband because you're afraid he'll kill you for leaving, it's time to leave. She's emotionally broken down to where she can't see a way out. I feel her pain. There's a way out but she has to be safe about it.
She isn’t going to tell the truth now. Fear the unstable environment she is broken. And just thinks she needs his love. I hope she gets help and finally sees the light. I think she races in when kids cry cause she knows what he is capable of. I think the sentence she won’t say is “ if she leaves he has told her he will end her”
She said she just wants him to love her. He’s not going to. He’s already opted out of the marriage. She needs to get out and get her and her children safe.
I have gotten pregnant twice this year with an IUD in. I have had sex to keep the peace. I was in the process of putting money aside so I can save up to leave. Found out I was pregnant days after opening up the checking account.
I like that Dr John knows how to be helpful and polite while also dishing out the hard truth. I've been in a situation similar to Ashley. Sometimes you know deep down, but you just hang on until you become completely lost. Happy to say I have a great husband now who loves my son enough to be a great role model to him.
Alone is better than this. I am speaking from experience, Ashley. I left an abusive marriage of 20 years with 3 kids with a little money and no parents to rely on. We lived in an apartment provided by the local battered women's shelter. We slept on the carpeted floor with no furniture. And it was 1000% better than living in a 2000 sq ft furnished house with a monster. Leave ... please, God ... leave.
💯
Ashley and I have been with an abuser..once the line of abuse gets moved they dont stop!! It gets worse and worse and they will keep pushing that line and you will get hurt honey..please leave!! It doesnt mean that the love for him stops but please love yourself and those babies more!! You cannot make him love you by staying..and your love doesnt change him...I love you and want you to be ok!! I have been there and it gets better and you will see more clearly once you are free!!!
Chill out..sheesh
@@self-employedsuccesssecret2983What a moronic comment. Spoken like someone who is an abuser.
Bless you for your heart felt words. Only a abused mother thats been there would offer such kind words.
"He's a horrible husband but an amazing father" is not possible. A man can't treat the mother of his children terribly and be a good father. This woman is so psychologically damaged. I hope she gets herself and her children away from that man.
Yep agree the two don't go together. The only reason she said that is she's justifying him. She's trying to make him a good dad when clearly he's not. A good dad is also a good husband.
Don’t kid yourself into thinking children don’t get impacted by the state of their parents marriage. They absorb that energy like a sponge 🧽
@@Spacemomma4426So somehow, as an adult, you still think your dad was superman even tho he treated your mom like trash?!🤔 A person cant be "good" if they treat one person great but another horribly. Sounds like you inherited some delusion from him
@@Spacemomma4426a man who is toxic and abusive to his wife: that is abuse to the children. He is a wolf in sheep's skin to the children
It actually is possible. Some parents are even good to one child and not the other child. People can be kind and loving toward one person and mean and hateful to another person even in the same house.
She is terrified, paralyzed with fear. He's an abuser. She is scared have a conversation with him about anything, which has led to her be scared to have a conversation with anyone. She's at her most vulnerable with two babies and pregnant. Praying she gets help.
Yeah u can tell by just the tone of her voice she is absolutely terrified
@@HOLDXSTEEL Is that a typo, are you a troll or an idiot? Pick one.
@HOLDXSTEEL Troll, go away
WHY DOES SHE KEEP GETTING PREGNANT! 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡 lord. She wanna be a victim. He is also a terrible person! Both of them are terrible. Poor kids. He has beat her in past but she birth three kids nonsense. She loves him? What a joke. Gives all excuse not to get help. Irresponsible. I understand depression, I have been in a situation where I just kept victimizing myself but seeking love over safety of your kids and yourself is crazy😊
@@shachede6828 She feels powerless,the longer her mind and body is paralyzed by fear, the harder it is to break. She called so hopefully she's ready to leave.
This woman is incredibly brave.
Translation of what she was saying: “my husband has nearly killed me before. I broke myself to stay quiet enough to give him no reason to rage at me. He will definitely kill me or my children if he knows I’m talking. And he’ll stalk us if we leave. If I want my kids to live, I have to stay and accept it.
The police can’t offer protection from this level of abuse. She’s not giving up and being a martyr. She’s being held captive. There’s a difference.
Wow you think it’s that serious? Listening I knew something was off I was very confused
@@ethanrubin6679 The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she tries to leave. She needs help and a place where she and her kids can be safe.
@@ethanrubin6679 Yes, it is THAT serious. Previous murder attempts, and even threats to kill her, and/or the children, shoot her to the top of the list of needing serious protection right now. Unfortunately, like many victims at that point, they believe if they can just appease the abuser, no harm will happen (wrong!) She is in huge denial as to the situation she is currently in.
You stated this woman’s situation perfectly.
This podcaster is just another person in along line of persons in this woman’s life attempting to shut her up with systemic punishment.
A man rages, woman must collect the children and raise them on her own . That is what our broken system has to offer, and this podcaster just drives another nail in her coffin.
Staying with this monster unfortunately, is far better for this lady than anything the police will do to her and her children.
This lady knows it too, you can her her clam up and double back and beg for this not to happen.
WTF. When will anyone wake up?
Yes!
As a child who grew up in an abusive home, please leave. It took me 49 years to feel safe in this world .
So sorry that's happened to you😢
Same
He’s not a good father. A good father supports the mother and works as a team.
Yeah, when she kept saying, “he’s an amazing father” I said out loud,
“NO, HE’S NOT!” 🙁 He doesn’t love and care for his children’s mother, he leaves them screaming when she’s trying to make dinner or take a dang shower, only engages and plays with them when she tells him to…sorry - that is NOT an amazing father. Not by any stretch of the imagination.
And can handle the kids for 30mins. Good grief
❤
@@valerie9620
A million %
My mom was in this EXACT position.
With a 4 yr old,
a 1 yr old,
and 3 mos pregnant.
She left.
He found us and almost killed her.
We moved again and hid from him.
No one believed he was an abuser, including the judge.
He never spent even a single night in jail.
He was awarded every other weekend visitation rights.
I was terrified of him.
It was hard for her and us.
Justice was never served to the abuser.
Five yrs later she remarried and he stopped the stalking.
I'm so glad it finally stopped. My heart breaks for what you've been through.
People don't realize women will stay to prevent the visitation rights forcing their child to spend more time with Dad than they would if they stayed married.
@SENSIF you are so right.
@@SENSEF 💯 %
My ex BF stalked until I got a new, huge BF who told him to back off. Amazing how that works.
You don't realize how bad it is until long after you get away. You just can't see it. It's survival.
Yep
I was in a narcissistic relationship for 5 years, we had a son & unfortunately now that man is still in my life. But when I met my husband, I said “you never know what the sun feels like because you’ve been living in the shade” I just never knew how bad he really was to me…I thought it was me.
I am praying for this woman. She has been completely broken down
This!! I was in an abusive relationship that was on and off for 9 months. he hit me, he belittled me, he told me my family didn't care about me, he threatened to hurt himself when he could see I was on the verge of leaving, yet he could leave and not say a word to me for days. He left bruises all over my body, including my face. I was never willing to call it abuse when I was with him, I made up excuses for him, and most devastatingly I stayed because I thought I had found the person I deserved. My friends witnessed the abuse and nobody tried to stop it, until a new kid at school (I'd never met him, but my ex had known him from church and they'd been to school together in earlier years) saw him trying to shove me to the ground. I started becoming friends with him, and my ex told me to stay away from him because he was bad news. At that point, I had no respect for his opinion and started to open up to the new kid at school about what I was going through. He would stick up for me, and eventually told me I had to block all contact with him or he was going to "make him dissappear". obviously it was an empty threat, but I only left because I thought it would protect my ex. Once I blocked him, there was such an overwhelming sense of freedom throughout my whole body. I kept talking to the new kid, and eventually he became my boyfriend. We're still together, and he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's chivalrous, kind, and understanding. In the beginning, he always took our firsts slow, and made sure I was okay every step of the way. I wish I could go back to myself as a freshman and tell her all the wonderful things that would happen once I cut out that leech, and I wish I could've been able to see what that relationship was while I was in it, but I'm so glad I am where I am right now.
She's dealing with a narcissist. It's so hard to have a marriage with one. He don't respect her or anything. He has made her not even love herself.
I’m in a narcissistic marriage. I’m getting divorced in September. I’m out of here!!!! Not today Satan!!!
@glowieokenney7915 amen. I pray you are kept safe. I was too. Over 10 yrs and was afraid of him as well. Finally had a DV and took the kid's. Separated 4yrs but he recently took his life. Never did I think he'd do that. Thought he'd take mine before he do what he did.
@@Monalisa0622 omg! He took his life!!! Wow, I’m sorry to hear that. Life is certainly challenging. We never know what is going to happen. I’m glad you got away, but what a tragedy for your family to go through. I’ve been with Adam for 25 years. I’m ready for my own place and peace and quiet. Husband is an alcoholic on top of being a narcissist. So sad!
@glowieokenney7915 I understand. So proud that you have made the decision to get out and to be set free. I am single and plan on being single for some time while we heal. I've been listening to this podcast Tim Fletcher on complex trauma, it's a series. It's helped me process my emotions and to have grace with myself. I hope the best for you. I hope you heal and have the life you deserve. For us for now it's just us 3, it's peaceful and hard belly laughs at time. We will heal with God's grace
@@Monalisa0622 thank you so much I really appreciate all your kind words. Yes I’m in agreement with you. God will heal our wounds and it’s gonna take some time but I’m so glad that I am leaving and not have to deal with him anymore. God bless you.
You don't know you're being abused until you get out and have time to heal....
She is very depressed and trapped in learned helplessness which is a classic sign that she is victim of abuse.
Yes she is in a narcissist abuse. I was in one for many years . And it's paralyzing ..it's a roller coaster ride ... She can leave but it's up to her
People are so judgmental. Yes, it's frustrating to hear about a situation, but we aren't living in it, with an abuser and two little kids. Years of abuse and mind games can make you feel almost paralyzed. Stop blaming the victim.
I agree. We can all become stuck in situations that aren't good for us and denying that only serves to fool ourselves into believing that it could never happen to us because we are somehow better.
I have been there. She knows how to function in the marriage but not sure she can function outside of it. It is a tough situation.
Exactly. I was in this stage 16 years ago....my children now 17 and 18 years old Still trying to fully escape an abusive monster
No man or woman is perfect. But shaming and gaslighting people doesn't help anyone! You don't scream and yell at a woman who's been beat most of her life and hope she will just be fine and happy. The cycle of abuse will continue. You don't hit people you love.
Not blaming, but it is necessary to be clear about what she needs to do! I understand 100% being paralyzed in fear, stuck in a abusive situation. She needs to hear it loud she needs to leave, until she does. It can take a while, she needs therapy asap.
What a horror long term abuse is, this poor woman lives in perpetual terror. It was such an act of strength she even made this call. I hope she and her children get out safely.
The courts stupidly think abusers can make good coparents. They dont.
So many of us have been here. SOOOOOO many of us. Drowning, dying, feeling our lives were in danger, having young children without support... Dr. John is sooooo good. I wish a show like this existed for me years ago. This woman has been so programmed to believe she has no value, and an abusive jerk is the best she can get. Girl, get out. In 5 years you can be in a complete 180 of happiness.
Correct. He's programmed her to believe she doesn't even deserve a shower in peace.
@@dr.jenniferma3914 what the main concern is that she had kids I am hoping that she can get her some resources and get someone to back up with her and stand with her
Sounds like she's afraid he's going to hurt her or their kids. Keep her pregnant and burdened. Oldest trick in the book.
EXACTLY yes! He has programmed her to believe she cant be without him!
It’s not that easy to get out, wish people understand not EASY!!!!
WOW!!! “He has left you!” So powerful! When abuse starts, the abuser has absolutely left the marriage!
Truth!
They were never there.
it usually starts when the marriage starts or before!
@tonibe6671 That is 180 degrees backward. There was never 'a marriage', that, and the children, were a means to an end to tie the victim to the abuser. Most abusers do not start out that way (superficially), they wait until the victim is trapped with few options to get away (a pile of children really seals that deal). It is an abuser strategy. He engineered the marriage and children to trap her and tie her to him.
Typically shortly after the wedding. I know a few women who said their abuse started thd night of the honeymoon. Mine started 2 months after the wedding.
I dont blame any woman who doesnt want marrige and wants to be single
It all comes down to choosing wisely and treating kindly.
@@joyfulrealtor DV happens over extended periods of time. No one is abused from the beginning. It is after you are cut off and have children keeping you from leaving. Not everyone has family to call.
She’s scared to say what’s in her head. It doesn’t matter how nicely she says it to him, it will be the wrong time , wrong tone wrong words. You can’t communicate properly with an abuser. They immediately get defensive and play the victim and turn the situation around on you and at the end of it you end up apologizing to them. It’s frustrating and feels incredibly hopeless
It's true. You'll be crying because they've been ignoring you and they will somehow turn it into, "Your tears are your problem. You can't handle your emotions. You're needy and asking for too much." You believe them on some level and the train just keeps going.
Narcissist. That's what she's dealing with. He can easily attend to the kids while she does other stuff. Most likely he's on his phone the whole time.
And she’s expecting his THIRD child? Another baby won’t fix a broken marriage
Wow reading this just was like explaining my life and it's crazy to see it spelled out
@@adjectivenoun12 I’m so sorry that you understand this behavior and suffering. I wish you freedom and peace in your life❤️
This must be the toughest call. The mental state of abused people is so so difficult to penetrate. This is very heart breaking, cause I have seen this in someone very close to me.
It is not 'difficult to penetrate' at all. If you were in a bank, it got held up, and everyone there was threatened to be killed, how would you react?
Basically you behave, to try to buy time, and hopefully escape.
What you could do for your friend, is research whatever resources may be available locally. Shelters, exit planning, helping her move or secure her treasured items, whatever. Be the lifeline.
@@davinasquirrel7672 yeah people have literally no idea what they are talking about.
@@davinasquirrel7672doesn’t matter. They’ll leave when they’re ready. You don’t understand unless you’re there
@@Cafeallday222 I understand more than you know, and "when they are ready" is the least common reason. And spoken like a true outsider who knows little. Main reasons include lack of resources (places, financial), fear of retribution, mental state of being broken down in confidence, etc.
All of the reasons are generally overcome by some kind of outside support.
"When they are ready" is such a dumb assessment of the situation. "When they have adequate support" is actually the true answer. But getting to the bottom of why someone does not make that move is the critical factor.
You can find good single men with no judgment in their hearts. I just met a gal with 5 kids. She’s 31 and sweetest most genuine person I ever met. I don’t mind she has 5 kids. She’s a package deal.
This is what men are known for
❤
You are destroying your life. Keep your finances separate.
Sir, you are a God send. 👏Stay awesome. You are a solid unselfish man. You have blessed this mom and her children. I hope you find every happiness and success in life. ❤
Bless you
I hope she doesn't read the comments here. I imagine the people attacking her here either don't understand how abuse works or are abusers themselves. Sexual abuse includes being pushed to have children as an effort to control and isolate. Financial abuse may include her not having a job. I can hear the effects of emotional and psychological abuse; she could be a shell of herself and completely overwhelmed. I imagine she is not safe, and may be scared to even say she is worried about being killed. She may be worried about having the police come to her home because its possible that they could put her life in danger. What is going to happen to her after the police leave? Look at what happened to Gabby Petito, she was crying and devastated, and he was as cool as a cucumber; look at who the police believed. The family court system is a disaster and abusive men know how to turn the charm on and off. There is a distinct possibility that leaving could mean her kids are with him 50% of the time, the natural default of the court system, with lack of her supervision. Abuse is a complex web of deceit and lies.
Yes! You get it! Simply put, she’s stuck in cognitive dissonance by being trauma bonded to a narcissist who likely keeps promising and future faking that he will be a better Husband.
YES!
K.
Well said 👏👏👏
Absolutely 💯
Next month will make a year since I abruptly left with our 8 month old.
I literally told him I was fearful of him. I told him when he throws things, hits things around me, slaps himself, I get scared and am scared that he will take things further.
I didn’t realize this was abuse.
We he screamed at me and berated me in front of our son who was one month old at the time I knew I needed to leave to protect myself and my child.
Best decision I have ever made. I was able to grieve. I’m finally happy and can celebrate the joyous holidays again.
Our divorce is finalized yet (he’s dragged it out intentionally) but I can breathe.
“You cannot grieve until you are safe”
You, my dear are living to survive. Save yourself. Save your babies. The deserve a happy, whole, and healed beautiful mother.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU DID NOT BREAK UP YOUR FAMILY.
Kid become adults, eventually.
I love you and am sending you so many hugs and love right now!
love your comment, and heart. Happy Holidays to you and your little one :).
Beautiful support.
That is such a sweet comment.
I am so happy that you and your baby are safe and happy.
God bless you
You are a strong and brave woman.
Bless you
Kind words. Thank you.
This call is so intense. I pray this woman finds strength.
This was me years ago when my kids were small. I felt 100% trapped. I couldn’t see the whole truth of my situation until I got away and could look at it from the outside. I wish I could go get this mom and kids and rescue her 😔
Me too 😢
Really happy for both of you that you got out safely and made a new life
👍
My heart broke when she said I just want him to love me back and DR.John said I know in such a comforting voice… 😢
I was reading your comment right when she said it 😢
I have very deep understanding for this unhappy woman.
Narcissts are manipulative. They are perfect in disturbing the Partner. The emotional abuse is overwhelming, that the partner is loosing the reality.
And the question:"Why are you till there ?" ...doesn't help.
She is frozen from panic. And needs somebody to take her hand and leed her to a safe place.
Oh, my God, there must be an understanding, kind person to help her out.
Explanations don' t reach her in such a situation of complete desparation.
When my baby was a month old I went through abuse. He beat the ish out of me and I called the police, got a restraining order, and pressed charges. He served a year in prison. I left with absolutely nothing and moved out of state with my newborn and 3 year old. I got a job and apt. You can do this. Now I am happy this happened 7 years ago. You can do this. Youre stronger than you know. My now husband is amazing. You will find better for you and your little ones.
How were you able to leave the state and start over if you had nothing? Genuinely interested
Help will come to the courageous@@NatalieS-kh3ck
@@NatalieS-kh3ck Through organizations that help battered women relocate away from their abusers.
Amazing story of strength and courage.
Thank you for sharing
"But I love him"...no. You love the idea of him, you love the person you want him to be, huge difference.
I hope she reads this. I left an abusive marriage and have been a single mom of 2 for the last year and a half. I was a stay at home mom before, I had no money to my name. He had me in loads of credit card debt, left me with no electricity and gave me no money for groceries at the time. Looking back I’m so ashamed that I even wanted that “man” to love me. Please realize that you don’t want a “man” like that to love you! He doesn’t know what love is. There are so many men out there that would be happy to love you and your kids, but you need to get out of there and gain some self confidence back first. You are not safe and there is a better life out here waiting for you. You will see❤️
Men and women, please recognize your love in not enough for an abuser. They don't love themselves, so they can't love you in the proper way.
Ladies, I would strongly reconsider having additional children with a person whose shown they're abusive. Go on birth control for a bit.
Even though your abuser may tell you you'll never be anything, or find anyone to love you - you are something very special and amazing. You will find a person who will value all of who you are.
Take back your voice!
Abusers choose good hearted people, they dont choose confident strong people to be with, they need someone who is empathic and compliant.
@@michellesimmons3150
Good people can be strong and confident too and they should. Because if they believe in the goodness and value of everybody except their own, then their goodness is questionable.
And it actually is because it's "people pleasing " not goodness. This is why they don't mind sacrificing their children's wellbeing whose approval they don't need , since children love and trust unconditionally
for the sake of the abuser whose validation they can't live without. They have a pattern of putting abusers above themselves and everyone else who actually loves and cares for them, and there's no sacrifice they wouldn't give for and to the abuser.
The main reason why people stay in abusive relationships has more to do with them than with "goodness " or the abuser, unless the abuser is locking them inside and taking the key.
Usually it's self loathing that convinces them they deserve that ( it's in the subconscious,not in the conscious mind) and the subconscious runs our lives regardless what we may vocalise to like or not want.
She has to deal with her deep beliefs about herself if she ever wants to be free
Abusers will also pretend at times to be who you fell in love with. They will keep you trapped in hope and despair.
They are narcissistic people who wear many different masks, depending on the occasion that benefits them and only them.
i disagree, they choose people with low self-esteem and a saviour complex. Mostly women who were very young when they met and see marriage as their biggest accomplishment, or have no options to turn to. A good hearted person would be unable to stand such evil and would leave. Most people i've noticed who stay give excuses because they aren't strong enough to leave @@michellesimmons3150
I was in this almost same situation 2 years ago. My husband finally left me. At the time I was devastated but Omgosh I am SO happy 2 years out!!! Yes I am a single mother, but my body feels like it can finally breathe. And I can LIVE! I was a stay at home mother as well. Girl you GOT THIS.- from one single mom to another ❤
happy he left u, i hope you find a partner that will accept you and your baby and if not i hope you take care of yourself and the baby it’s what you deserve
This was hard to hear. As a child from abusive marriage, I resented my mom for staying too long in a hostile marriage. I tried to forgive my mother, but her maladaptive behavior affected all aspects of her life as a woman and mother.
Her children are being abused by the environment they live in.
I hope the caller gets away from her abusive husband. Then, get her tubes tied.
How can you resent the woman that made sure you are alive today? Seems like you would show her some mercy and love from the personality change inflicted by your father. I hope you can find it in your heart to do so. She will be gone someday.
I'm so sorry you went through that. It is very normal to blame your mother. It's because she is safer to be angry with. It must be so difficult. I get it. I hope you an come to a place of forgiveness and peace in your life. ❤
@@klk3230 I have forgiven and love my mom. However, she will not be given another opportunity to hurt me or my family again. It is for physical safety as well, not just mental.
I
I was in the same situation, he was abusive towards both her and me and my siblings, she didnt leave until i became a teen and went to social workers myself and got us out of there, it took me many years to get rid of the anger I had towards her, but what makes me angry most of all is that he didnt get punished that I will not get over
Made sure they are alive by keeping them in the presence of the abuser? Her inability to leave shows them weakness not strength and deep down inside they know she isnt doing it for them, it is for herself@@klk3230
Better to raise your kids alone than in an abusive household - which they will mirror in their relationship as adults.
Simply put, she’s stuck in cognitive dissonance by being trauma bonded to a narcissist who likely keeps promising and future faking that he will be a better Husband.
She knows the rage that he’s capable of and doesn’t want to push his limits by asking too much of him nor by leaving him. Instead, she feels the need to die inside in an effort to “save” the marriage and pacify him.
lol all you pseudo science words, she sounds just as goofy as the husband.
The number of dog whistles in such a short comment is astounding 😂
My comment is valid. It’s what domestic violence therapists are very aware of.
@@fauxbro1983How’s this …. she likely is so used to walking in eggshells that she is afraid of his reaction if she attempts to leave or complain. Every attempt in the past to change things has ended in punishments by him… yelling, physically, withdrawing, blaming, or other negatives. A person becomes accustomed to shutting up and dealing… It happens so much that the abuse is viewed as normal.
( People who have messed up childhoods don’t see the red flags as easily. A person with happy relationships modeled as a child with boundaries would have ended the relationship years ago. Controlling abusive people eventually find a victim that tolerates it. It’s a cycle that is hard to break. )
@@CelluliteYogaPantsYou get it. Thank you!
Everyone says leave…but how when you are financially stuck. And you have no other emotional or mental support from your family.
It really sucks.
Also they will blame you for not giving him a chance and ending the relationship
Exactly, they (the people saying just leave) dont have to live with the consequences of that. They dont know if the man will stalk and kill her or her children, they dont know if she will be homeless. The country is bleeding money and the programs that help domestic violence victims, often cant help long if at all in some areas….she may not have family that will help or worse they may believe the abuser. Abusers are often charming and very manipulative.
Tell me about it. And it's not to be discouraging either. It's just the truth that all guys don't let you leave peacefully even when they are in the wrong. Especially when they know they have really no one to help or they feel as tho no one is there to help.
That's still not the worst case scenario. The worst case scenario is she could traumatize her kids and watch them become adult addicts or dysfunctional like their dad.
She could have a stillbirth because toxic fathers cause that to pregnant mothers according to Dr Gabor Maté
She could end up with autoimmune diseases and spend her old age in agony and spending the money she doesn't have to cope
Because being exposed to prolonged negative emotions increases women's possibility to have cancer by 70%, and auto immune diseases. She could die.
He could leave her penniless for another woman.
She thinks it's the best solution to stay , it's not. It's the safest in her mind that is focused on surface level thinking, not in reality or in the long run.
Exactly! It’s easy to say just leave, but it’s much more difficult than that. A lot of times, abuse victims don’t have anywhere to go. There are shelters, but there can be a lack of space and funding so sometimes people are turned away. Abusers also like to isolate their victims so they may not have anyone to reach out to for help. And if they are being financially abused, a lot of times they don’t have the funds to leave to get a hotel temporarily or a new place. That’s not to mention that a lot of abusers also track their victims by having cameras, gps devices, etc to know where the victim is at all times.
This was an odd one. The confusing responses is likely trauma bonding and stockholm's syndrome. You want help, but when offered you decide you don't want it. I really hope she can find someone to help her get out of this situation. It really sounds awful.
Why are you saying confusing? She’s not confused. If she’s being abused those responses are not confusing they make perfect sense. Just not to you.
Most abusers use threats to keep you in. They find anything to threaten you with.
a lot will follow through on those threats as well.
She’s not ready to leave him she’s in the excuse faze. I’ve been there lady and from experience I started with counselling and little by little my eyes opened up. A word of advice don’t tell him everything and keep some things to yourself because he will use your words against you.
she wouldn't even agree to 30 min of therapy every week....she's in huge denial
Hey ma'am, I was in this exact kind of marriage for that long with 3 kids, isolated, no support, no money, no car and so on. It doesn't get better. And if it ever were to, it's not worth your mental health and physical safety. You can't be around someone sick and not catch a cold too. Everyday with him is death to you. And then you won't have anything worthwhile to teach your kids about life and love. I'm a year separated and I wish I had left earlier when the signs were there. It. Doesn't. Get. Better. Well wishes to you.
I was her just two years ago. Leaving was terrifying and it took me two years to realize I had no sense of worth from being in that relationship. Leave leave leave and use that better help he’s giving you.
You're courageous. I hope things got better for you. It's sad that these stories are so very common. Good on you for coming to the realization that things weren't gonna get better. You saved yourself and your kids. I hope life is treating you very well.❤🙏🏾💪🏽
PLEASE GET IN CONTACT WITH HER TO FOLLOW UP!
I beg you Dr Delony!
Anyone who has 3 or more children ther are close in age like this young mother will understand exactly what my concern is for her. Especially in an abusive marriage like this. If she is already that stressed and overwhelmed and at her breaking point trying to manage everything while simultaneously living in constant fear that anything whe says or does... Or doesn't do or doesn't do right is going to set her unpredictable husband off... When that 3rd baby is born, that little thread she's been holding onto her sanity with is going to break and send her crashing to the ground. Hard. she already felt isolated and alone. She already felt overwhelmed and inadequate. He was already mean to and angry with her for her having these emotions and for needing help. He has already made it very clear that she and the kids are more of a burden than a blessing to him. He had already msde it clear that he doesn't want to help and doesn't even feel obligated to help. He has no empathy at all, for her or her children. And be shows no signs of remorse or regret, hell he doesn't even seem to take any responsibility for how much his shitty behavior is negatively affecting his entire family. The level if stress and pressure that a 3rd kid can have on even a healthy stable household can often times push parents and marriages right to the edge of their breaking point. In a situation like this young mother who is already at that edge and she's genuinely terrified of what her husband might do if he ever hits his breaking point...
I'm genuinely concerned for their safety.
Please follow up with her. Make sure she reached out to her family and that they are supporting her. And that she is actually getting professional help from a therapist... Possibly taking something to help with postpartum depression...
💔
Why isn't this mom on birth control? Why is she getting pregnant in a loveless marriage?
@@Mica-e4p This is a woman who, in my guess and from the commenst made, is trauma bonding with her abuser. He may or may not allow her to go anywhere without his permission. He may want more kids just to keep her in line. If he wants sex, I'm guessing he takes it. In some places that's called r@pe. She so wants to be loved by him and he doesn't care. She's trapped with a violent man with 2 small children and a baby on the way. And maybe she's completely isolated from anyone who can help. It doesn't even sound like her family of origin can be of much help. When someone is in survival mode, the last thing they are thinking about is the future (birth control) she's thinking of surviving in the moment.
@@Mica-e4p troll
Ladies, never revolve your life around a man
@@Spacemomma4426 didn't work here.
But he wasn't revolving his life around her.@@Spacemomma4426
Armchair quarterback
Don’t let any man control you or take advantage of you
Yeah he just left and my bank account, bed and heart are all empty
This call brought shivers down my spine. Terrifying stuff. Glad Dr. John’s calling the cops for her.
He has no empathy for her. He only cares about himself.
I totally understand how she feels. Sometimes hope is too painful to hold onto
I was here when my teen daughter was a baby. Now these days, almost everyone has the means to record. Please, if you have an abusive partner GET PROOF. When I tried to tell the court the mediator said "he didn't seem abusive and no judge will jeep this father from his child" I got LUCKY because he had a new domestic violence charge from his new girl so he faded from our lives after that and I was happy to let him. WE ARE AFRAID TO LEAVE BECAUSE IF WE SPILT UP THE ABUSIVE PARTNER WILL HAVE VISITATION UNCHECKED WITH A VIOLENT EX.
13:11 John is a good man. His voice and his tone. Comforting and firm and trying to get through to her without pushing too hard.
If she lives with him for years she will regret that she didn't leave when she grows old.She will realize she wasted her life away.She might grow bitter and angry.
IF she lives......Just saying.
Sometimes you stay so that you don't have to split custody and you can keep your kid out of a more toxic environment. For fear they will be mistreated when you're not around.
Yes!
@@Spacemomma4426 I totally understand your story, and what you’re saying. I think it’s covert manipulation; and I object!
@@lisabradyusasometimes they are reasonable parents to the kids, but you know if you left them they would hurt the kids just to punish you.
@@stampandscrap7494 yes
Lol thats ass backwards thinking
I hope dr John called the authorities because she’s not going to leave on her own
I think you're right. She doesn't want to leave. She wants to fix him and make him care. My feeling is that if she had a feeling of self worth, she'd be gone already.
I really do not think John has a clue about psychological terrorism.
@@createone100me either.
Calling the authorities may make it worse. She needs to quietly make a plan of escape and educate herself on psychological abuse so she understands exactly what she is dealing with. You have to stay one step ahead of them. Some of these abusers will try to destroy you. This is nothing to play around with.
@@staceystrukel1917This is what I came here for. Calling the police can escalate things horribly for her and her children.
Behaviour is a language that’s powerful. I feel for her. The lack of self worth is stemming from gaslighting, coercive control and isolation. Poor lady she might even be susceptible to postpartum here. Bless her.
If he lets the one year old cry, while you try to do a practical, necessary thing - and you’ve got another baby on the way, he is NOT a good father. Playing with the kids doesn’t make him one. I hate all this for her and the kids.
My heart breaks for Ashley and her kids. John was so compassionate and she's so terrified. Will be praying for them all. 😢🙏
I have just left my abusive husband. I have a two children under 2. I went to the police and he is being charged with assault. There are supports out there. I endured years of physical, emotional, and financial abuse. It took me forever to leave. You can do it
My heart breaks for her, she is so overwhelmed and she doesn't have a person to have her back. She needs a break. I hope she can reach out to family.
I’m not at the part where he stops blaming her yet. Dr John you jumped so fast on her. You didn’t hear her desperation. She’s not a martyr. She’s in the mental box of abuse. Oh god. Dr. You’re so discerning so often. But you’re beating down on her before you understood her situation.
Ashley, you’re not alone. My heart is broken for you. You are worth getting out. You are worth kindness. I know you’re so beaten down. You deserve to rise up. I’m sending you so much love. ❤
Geez, she shouldn't tell a dangerous husband she's going to leave, she needs to make a plan then when he's out of the house for a few hours just take the kids and go.
You CAN leave him! There are better men out there! Please get help! I've left 3 abusive relationships, 2 were marriages. One children from each marriage. I'm finally with a good man who takes care of us and loves me. Praying for you!
How did u find a better guy?
@@NatalieS-kh3ck It was what I can only describe as a divine encounter. I didn't think God would trust me with any man at all, after what I've done. But a dangerous situation lead us to meeting each other, and he was the only one willing to stick his neck out to protect us, even though we never met before. We discovered we had many things in common and fell in love. Now we're married and just had our first child together. 🥰
I gotta say, sometimes the courts do take the sides of a master manipulator which is 100% what she thinks.
HOWEVER she can't break out of this cycle because she hopes he can change. She hopes that he will love her the way she loves him.
It's so so hard for women to leave when they're stuck in this delusional loop. It's not reality. I feel so much for her.
Get out! I’m 68 and I have been through a lot in my lifetime. Your kids need you to do whatever you need to do to pick yourself up. Tell your people around you that you need help. It’s possible to start from scratch, I’ve done it 3 or 4 times. You will be so glad you did.
My heart broke into a million pieces listening to this. Parents….please help her!!!! He is not going to change or love you back, Ashley. I don’t know you, but I know you deserve love, respect and compassion. Let it go and build new ❤❤❤
Poor thing. This is distressing. You can't make him love you. Something tells me that she ignored all the warning signs that this man was a bat. I hope she gets the help that she needs. She remains with her husband because she feels trapped. He is the provider. Ladies, life is messy and don't (always) go according to plan. Make it possible (for you) to provide for yourself and the kids just in case the relationship heads south. She has stockholm's syndrome. She needs help and she needs it NOW.
My kids, not our kids? How can a father babysit his children? This is madness.
Ugh, victim-blaming. Narcissists don't show red flags! They love bomb then show the truth AFTER they've got you.
My sister has finally gotten out of her abusive relationship of 20 years. She finally left last week. He destroyed everything and she was only able to save a few things she needed for her job. Other than that, he’s leaving her with absolutely nothing. He is incredibly vindictive. And the kids are teenagers and we’re joining in the abuse against their mom. She’s lost not only her husband, but her kids and everything else. This kind of situation just breaks my heart. I hope Ashley can find peace enough to get a plan together so she and her kids can stay safe
Well I heard it right...PREGNANT with number 3. What is wrong with these women who are in a dead marriage and keep having kids. Sorry but you need to know to STOP
@May I'm so glad that your sister got out. At this point If it were me, I wouldn't care what he dstroyed - as far as things are concerned. What matters is she still has her life. Thank God. There will be a day that comes, when her kids realize that their thinking was not coming from themselves. That it was coming from their father and they were just following. Tell her, right now, she should focus on getting HERSELF back to a comfortable mental state and not to focus too much on how they feel about her, but she can still love them the same. She needs to realize that she needs to take care of herself first and with the situation currently, that's what's most important. I would rather live under a bridge than live with someone who is abusing me. Sending love and light to your sister. She got away and that's the biggest part. Tell her NEVER GO BACK! EVER!
The most heartbreaking thing in the world for me was hearing a woman who is scared of being killed by her husband weep about all she wants is for him to love her back.
She should think about the kids first.
I wasn’t married nor did I have children, but I found myself in an abusive situation where I was too fearful and anxious to leave. My exit from the relationship was not at all graceful and required my parents, and his parents, involvement to physically remove me from the situation as safely as possible. I am eternally grateful to have left and that I had people to care for me when I didn’t care for myself. healing wasn’t easy and sometimes felt like I was on a rollercoaster but it is possible. May she find peace and healing.
I agree with so many former comments. I WAS this woman in many ways. Here’s the thing. He has her terrified and my money is also on severe postpartum depression. But also, when I was in that same situation and talked about leaving, my ex told me he would take the two kids and disappear deep in South America. I knew he was capable so I stayed. What I’d say NOW is, let him huff and puff, but one day while he’s at work, pack yourself and the kids over to your parents’ house and get help for yourself. If he’s as bad as you say (and he could be) you will LATER regret staying and thinking you can work through the grief of a non-marriage. Your kids will be MESSED UP. Mine were and went through he((. It is SO not worth being the martyr. There IS help out there. Love YOUR KIDS enough to find it, work on yourself and put him in the rear view mirror. IF you’re not just reporting through a postpartum depression lens.
I was there. I prayed and God to help me get out. I'm so happy nowadays. ALONE but alive
Poor baby is so lost, thank you for being so firm yet gentle with her. She needs to see the light at the end of the tunnel
She doesn't want to leave the stability of having a nice house and two parents together but if he is abusive and doesn't love her, that would be far worse for the kids to live with and will cause more damage in the long run. They feel the tension and mommy's despair. It seems impossible now but you take it one step at a time. Even if it isn’t what you wanted, you will be far happier in time as a divorced mom who's healthy and whole and not abused, neglected and unloved. I was once broken and Jesus has been with me through it all. I'm 2-1/2 years out and in a much happier and peaceful place now and my tweens are doing great.❤
This
People also dont realize if she is religious he may be guilt tripping her that divorce and leaving is her “sinning”.
@@Jaxmusicgal23if shes religious shell know that abuse is demonic and get the heck away from those demons operating in him
My mom chose to stay. Somewhere along the way she began channeling her anger and damage onto her children and redirected my father to do the same. Of their 7 kids 3 grew up to be addicts, 1 felon, 3 are bipolar, 2 are narcissists, and 2 are physically violent/abusive to others. If you stay with an abuser one of two things will happen 1) You die internally or literally, or 2) You adapt into a monster yourself. Those are your options. Also your children will be totally fucked up and miserable.
@thestorybehindthat5236 Yes, absolutely. I specifically divorced in the end (with all biblical grounds as evidence) because I saw myself only dying inside if I stayed and the cancer of abuse would spread to my kids. So sorry to hear what happened in your family. That sounds awful.
My heart broke for her when she said he’s vindictive and doesn’t want her children taken away.
That’s why women should have their own jobs and have financial stability before marriage.
She might have but then became a stay at mom like me after kids hoping for the best.
@@blueseptember2174yea i knew some women who also left thier jobs for thier kids. I ran a home daycare so I could be with my daughter and still make very very good money. Before that I was a nanny and brought her with me. There are options
@@blueseptember2174 I went back to work after each baby. We used baby sitters, day care etc. spent quality time with the kids on my days off. Sacrificed all my weekends so I’ll be off on school days. I didn’t want to have a break in my resume. It’s difficult being a mom. But it is more difficult if you let go of your individuality and personal growth. Being a mom should not be all we are.
@@JoyofRVingMy friend's first baby d1ed in daycare 1 week before she had her 2nd. She immediately quit her job and became a SAHM.
Amen
Ashley, I am crying with you. Please know:
You are worth being and feeling safe
You are worth being loved
You are worth asking for help and getting OUT.
I thought I was dealt cards that I couldn't exchange as well. I felt I chose my ex and I made my bed so I had to sleep in it. That thinking was WRONG. I was and AM worth more than how I was being treated and used.
Please, please make a secret plan to leave. Even if you have to go to a woman's shelter, they are safe and have so many resources for you to get on your feet ❤
I am praying for you, my friend!!
Yes and make the decision to leave even if you don't know if it's right or not or keep second-guessing yourself. Leave. Create distance so you can see the abuse for what it is.
Going through similar situation as this poor woman calling and this podcast kept me sane. Can’t tell anyone what I’m going through and listening to all these podcasts gives me hope and comfort that I will get out of it alive and it will end soon
I hear you 💔 I hope you get safe and okay. God bless you ❤❤❤❤❤❤
I divorce an abuser after almost 43 years. I’ve been asked if I’m lonely since I live alone. Heck No!!! I’m not lonely whatsoever and I’m happy and getting healthy once again. I have no desire to be any other relationship other than my kids, grandchildren , my dogs and MYSELF !!! I’m enjoying my life for the first time since I was in high school! Please don’t settle for the bare minimum crumbs and please understand you will be more better off after you leave and receive consulting than for the many years of abuse . Life is too short! I waited way too long to realize that. Living this life with your abusive partner isn’t worth your health issues that you will have.
Sending prayers of strength to Ashley. I hope she finds the will to leave with the kids, and keep them and herself safe. My heart breaks for her. There a new life out there for her.
It's so very very heartbreaking to hear her keep defaulting to stick up for him. When her inner self is screaming, begging, pleading, for her to be honest and be truthful. But the the thing is, she is worrying about being taken away from her because he is crazy. But if CPS hears this conversation, they can take them now. Because she is keeping them and herself in a physically, emotionally, mentally abusive home. They can take them and make her be out and etc at getting them back. She is also not hearing herself. She wants it to work, she wants what isn't there and that is then putting herself and her kids in danger. Her self esteem is completely shattered and broken to the point she doesn't think there is any possible option. It's scary. She needs help. She needs help. Immediately.
she should not have kept the 3rd pregnancy
@pinkpugginz that's easy enough to say, but it's a whole different story being the one in that situation. She has been going through this for years, so to say she shouldn't have gone through with the 3rd pregnancy. You could say the same about the first 2. But that is just not factual or a real option at this point. It's also not the unborn child's fault and there for is it fair to terminate that pregnancy, when she had brought 2 other kids into the world. I think that would be more detrimental to her overall stability and mental/ emotional health and wellbeing than her being in the situation she's in right now. Now that being said, it doesn't change the facts of current that are 1. She's admitted to staying and wanting the relationship to work, while knowing it's not a safe situation for her kids. The Child system will be able to look at that and say she is knowingly placing herself and the wellbeing of her kids in danger, there for she is not suitable at this time to continue having custody of those children. Until she removes herself from that situation and can prove to the system that she has gone through each step they require before even thinking about getting her kids back. It's just hard listening to the fact that she is more concerned with what she wants, what she has been conditioned to believe she wants due to lack of self-esteem and personal respect. Rather than knowing she needs to put her kids first and remove them from that situation willingly before they get removed from her forcefully.
This lady is terrified. I hope she finds the courage to leave
😮 She basically said if she chooses to leave, then he'll unalive her! You have to leave! I hope she left and is safe..
Abusive partners absolutely use the court systems to continue abusing their partners
The happy ending is to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get the hell out of a horrible marriage. No one is going to come rescue you. You have to get out, get some help, and march on with your life because it is worth saving. Your children's lives are worth saving. You are stronger than you think. You made the phone call to this program. You get out one step at a time to a much better future. And don't get married again thinking it will solve all your problems. It won't. Chances are you'd end up in the same situation. Fix yourself and fix your life. Stand tall and all my best to you and your children.
Ashley, I am the now adult child in your story.
My mom didn't have the courage to leave. My grandma rescued us when I was 5. We packed up a few items and drove away. It was hard; we were poor and had to start from nothing, but I could finally relax.
Parents think young kids don't remember, but I remember all the abuse and attempts on our lives.
And now, in my 30s, I'm estranged from my family and in therapy trying to figure out why I can't have healthy relationships.
Make an escape plan and execute it. You have to want a better life for yourself and your kids. Other people can't wish this away for you.
I am a good and a decent man, Ashley! I hope that you have a good life and please take care of yourself and you get out of the abusive marriage!
Asking an abused person “why do you think so lowly of yourself?” Is like asking a person strapped to a table “why are you wiggling so much?”
Sometimes the question is a way to point it out to them and let them see that it is not normal.
I'm eight minutes in but so far, I feel like Dr. Delony didn't do this one well. Counsellors are allowed to have an off day, it's just heartbreaking that it fell on the day when this terrified mom with fried nerves reached to hear a kind voice.
(Respectfully. )
He missed the mark completely. It felt victim blamey. This woman has been so mistreated.
Yes, he wasn't aware of what was going on at first, but the AHA moment I saw was when he realized that her husband had been violent with her in the past. Then he shifted gears and handed her off to his assistant with the promise that the police would be called if she felt in danger. (Maybe his assistant had more resources at the ready...)
Maybe watch it until the end. He wasn’t seeing what was happening at first, he realizes and it changes drastically.
@@StephaniePasq-hg7vt I did watch till the end. There should be NO being dismissive of your callers at a help line at all. Again, even counsellors are allowed to have a bad day. But eight minutes are too long.
So sad to hear You say He doesn’t hurt me anymore because I don’t put myself in that situation anymore. Honey he is gonna really hurt you even more than he already does. I’m Definitely speaking from Experience. I finally had to have him arrested after an Assault. Ashley save yourself and your Babies PLEASE 🙏🏾❤
I found a woman.. in a similar situation.. 3 kids. Not exactly the same but close. And i love her and her kids more than anything. Dont be afraid of the future! Never know who can walk into your life.
My kids are now grown…but I was this woman. I didn’t have parents as they passed when I was 26 then the other 22. I thought because he loved the kids that would transfer to me…it never did. I left him once kids were out. Never been happier, but hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had had you to tell me these things back then. I was so scared he could somehow take my kids. He wasn’t physically abusive, but very silently intimidating. It’s what he didn’t say. The constant threat that he could take my kids if I left….he didn’t want me, but he didn’t want me gone…it made no sense. I walked on eggshells and worse I trained him how to do it by not standing up for myself. I had lost both parents, my fears were unreasonable looking back. I wish you luck and thought it looks bleak..find your happiness…for your kid’s sake. You are living my story…it did turn out for me. You can get out…never say never. ☺️
He wanted you but didn't = p@rn addiction on his part.
Question-if you had had someone like Dr John providing some advice, if you had some support (in the past) would you have likely listened to it? May I also ask what are the ramifications to your children having lived in a difficult home environment like that?
Possibly I would have listened…I had no one to speak about it to with no family. My kids luckily were the first priority to myself and my now x husband. If he did nothing else he followed my lead on raising them. We did not argue in front of the kids…in fact we didn’t argue…it was more of a silent existence except for the needs of the kids. He simply didn’t engage with me on any level except for the kids. We co-habituated until they were raised and our children have thrived as adults.
@@corteltube appreciate your candor. thank you.
Narcissistic abuse 101.
I stayed in an abusive marriage for 31 years. I became so lonely and isolated because I didn't have any support. Both my parents were dead and I was not living anywhere near my siblings. But the saddest thing is that my one daughter watched all this and has turned out to be just like her father. I should have left the first year I was married to him but hindsight is 20/20. If you are reading my comment, trust me it is never going to get better in fact it will just get worse. I'm lucky to be alive. Get out while you're young enough to start over.
She doesn't have a support network. She's vulnerable. He's the only person she knows. You can't fix him. It's overwhelming with children. Does she have any money?
This is why it is so important for women to be financially independent so when a man acts up you leave , I will never be stuck and more women are in this situation I hope you all come out, alot of women also think having another baby is going to save a marriage no its not , that is a broen women.
Broken *
Yes!!!
I relied on mine and that was a joke 😅. Never again. I will wait til I have my own income til I get into a relationship. His money will be ours and mine will be mine just in case.
@@blueseptember2174yes thats good keep that boundary for internity 🎉
I have witnessed very wealthy women who were the breadwinners in their homes stay while being victims of abuse, physical and mental. It is crazy to think about considering the fact that they had every means to leave but couldn't. It is more of a mental bondage than a financial or physical one. Those are easier to deal with.
Thank you Dr John for your reason, compassion, and patience...
Compassion??? Dude was abrasive the whole call made it feel like it was all her fault
Ashley and any other woman caught in this situational trap, please please find a domestic violence advocate to help you walk through this. A good advocate will help you see the cycles and tactics that keep you trapped, help you regain your voice and personhood, inform you of the options available to you, and help you achieve whatever options you choose while maintaining safety. There are local as well as national (if you are afraid for anyone in your community to be involved) organizations wanting to help you.
Great advice.
If you're still with your husband because you're afraid he'll kill you for leaving, it's time to leave. She's emotionally broken down to where she can't see a way out. I feel her pain. There's a way out but she has to be safe about it.
Yeah sounds great. Put yourself directly into harms way! Way to go! Sometimes I wonder if people even listen to themselves
Life with 3 kids under 3 is just hard.
Her decision
@@diml664 Doesn't mean you're not allowed to say it's overwhelming. Doesn't mean you're not allowed to ask for help. They both made these children.
I hope you guys called the cops. she is so broken and he is a criminal!
She isn’t going to tell the truth now. Fear the unstable environment she is broken. And just thinks she needs his love. I hope she gets help and finally sees the light. I think she races in when kids cry cause she knows what he is capable of. I think the sentence she won’t say is “ if she leaves he has told her he will end her”
I don’t think he cares enough. She’s choosing d*** over her kids.
So she keeps getting pregnant?
@@Mica-e4pnot saying it’s ok… however I’m not in that situation.
She said she just wants him to love her. He’s not going to. He’s already opted out of the marriage. She needs to get out and get her and her children safe.
Birth control absolutely after the baby..
She needs to be in a safe house protected. Good step reaching out for help.
Why do women who are already in a bad situation continue to have more children? Please explain that to me? 😤
They call them Band-Aid babies....
Women think having more babies will help their relationship & it absolutely doesn't...
Because she's afraid to deny sex to a violent man.
@@SaystheTruth3 oh wow 😯 thanks for responding.
@@flyandshy00 this did cross my mind. Thanks for responding.
I have gotten pregnant twice this year with an IUD in. I have had sex to keep the peace. I was in the process of putting money aside so I can save up to leave. Found out I was pregnant days after opening up the checking account.
I love how gently and kindly he challenges her helplessness.
I like that Dr John knows how to be helpful and polite while also dishing out the hard truth.
I've been in a situation similar to Ashley. Sometimes you know deep down, but you just hang on until you become completely lost.
Happy to say I have a great husband now who loves my son enough to be a great role model to him.
This is a super tough call, I just hope she doesn’t beat herself up. It’s hard. I hope she’s okay