with dementia, you have said "goodbye" to your loved one many times over the years as they decline. my dad is still with us, but when he passes i will be relived that his suffering is over. i said goodbye to my dad years ago.
Deb, I wish I could convey how my feelings are so much like yours! It's not that I WANT mom to die, but her life (she's bedbound in a nursing home with stage 6 dementia) is pretty much over right now. Yes, she might be able to bring a spoon to her mouth and tell someone how upset she is with them, but any semblance of "life" has left. I, like you, grieved every time I go in and see she cannot hold a conversation with me. I grieve every time I see she cannot remember her family members. I grieve when she cannot understand simple tasks. No, I won't be jumping for joy at her funeral, but neither will I be grieving, I will be rejoicing that she is in heaven, and will, unfortunately be helping EVERYONE ELSE grieve over a loo they never saw coming.
My mom is not at that advanced stage but she has lost a lot. I have mourned every loss . She can’t handle the mail and she hides the bills from my brother and SIL who live with her. She also still plays mah-jongg and has lunch out with her friends. I am happy for the happiness she has. I know it fleeting. I don’t mourn losses before the happen. I know how the story ends though. I will be happy for her when the suffering happens. I will also cry. I won’t be shocked tho. Thanks to Debra for showing me how to walk this path.
I totally understand, my dad has advanced alzheimers, I have been grieving him for the past 2 years, just like you. I'm sure his departure will still be hard, but honestly I see it as the end of these years of sufference, which he very much not would have wanted to live through in the first place.
@@itsmeHiImtheSigridItsmeI hear you, it doesn’t mean I don’t very much love my husband of 31 years but caring for him is killing me and he has zero quality of life.
You are so right about the grieving. I grieve every time I come across a nice blouse of hers, or pair of shoes, or her handbag/purse. It hurts my heart to know she'll never use any of them again, particularly because she was always made up and dressed nicely. She's now in bed 24/7 in her pyjamas. I will be happy for her release when she goes. She hates being stuck in bed. Thank you Deb, for giving us a place to say it out loud, as it were. I'm in the UK and it's very stiff upper lip here still.
My husband of 45 years is about ready for hospice. Ive been grieving for years. Truly think that when he dies I will have a celebration of his life. I totally understand where you were coming from in this video. The love of my life, my best friend, is gone. It is my wish to have him comfortable and feeling loved until he dies. It has been a long struggle, but the end will set us both free. I started missing him years ago. Yeah, I understand your video and appreciate your candidness.
Those who have gone through the long haul with this disease often feel the same. I think people are too afraid to say so because of what others will think. If you haven't been there, you don't understand.
My husband passed in Jan7, 2023, he had been battling vascular dementia that progressed rapidly. I was his caregiver and was able to him at home until the end❤️
My husband of 45 yrs is right there with your husband. I understand and pray for you. I haven’t seen one of Deb’s post for some time and am so thankful to have heard the two that came across! May the Almighty bless you on your journey ❤
I totally understand your feelings. My mom died at 78 after watching her decline for 8 years. She wasn't the mother I grew up with. She became hostile and unable to do anything for herself. She didn't know us, kids but she knew my dad till the end. We decided to have no feeding tubes and such. We asked the doctor to just keep her comfortable and pain free. I loved her, and let her go and felt relief.
Deb you are so wise and so very interesting to listen to. You speak the truth and we all need to hear this. God Bless you for putting these videos out there. Thank you from all of us. 😊
You said this so well, it is harder to watch them live than to watch them die at this point. All the losses along the way, we grieve for them daily. By the time death comes, there are no more tears. Just relief.
I'm glad she's no longer suffering this awful disease and that your free from seeing her just fade away bit by bit. Thank you for all the videos you posted about her It really does help for so many others to understand it better
I just found your channel. I wish i had found you a while back. My 80year old mother just passed away acouple days ago of late stage dementia. I was helping her for acouple years. And yes i grieved her for the last couple of years. It was so sad to see her lose so much.😢 i hope they find a cure for dementia because it is clearly one of the worse diseases out there. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Thank you so much for sharing your time with your mother. I lost my father last year due to complications of dementia. Two months later my mother switched from palliative care to hospice care where she remains today. I travel cross country every month to visit with her for ten days. Yes, long distance is more difficult than had I simply remained there, but with my own family that cannot travel - this was the easiest thing to do. I've been in a state of grieving losses of their memories, physical abilities, and a bit of personalities as well. I only pray for peaceful passings with no pain and no fear. I'm blessed that I have no regrets.
I feel you. I am also an only child living far away from home, lost my dad do advanced alzheimer at the beginning of december, and then my mon who also suffered dementia and had a very rapid decline over the past year and a half left us the next day. Like you I travelled each month to visit for a few days. I know you are doing the best tou can and I am sure they know and feel loved
Thank you for this. I’m sorry for your loss🙏🏻. I just finished pre planning my mom’s funeral and final resting place. Everything is in place, which has brought me peace. She is stage 5, and the quality of her life is not great. You are absolutely right, it’s death by a thousand paper cuts and we experience that loss with them day by day.
Death is a very natural thing. As natural as Life itself. I wish we could recognize it as soulful transition -rather than complete loss. Great video. Thanks
True, but I think as a society our view of death has changed. I've seen the living want to hang onto the dying and keep them here longer than they want to be kept here.
Deborah, my mother passed away a week ago today. She was in the end stage of Alzheimer's (bed bound, needing to be changed and fed, non-verbal, etc.), and the way you have conveyed everything is so true. I cared for my mom for 7 years at home and she went through so many of the stages you describe with your mother. It is true that I was not informed (referencing your "10 things" video) of what was going to happen at each stage by the doctors, but like your mother, my mom went through all stages. I only recently found your channel, but it has brought me such comfort. Your clear and realistic explanations are so informative and straightforward. I am an only child, but like the family you say may have ideas about things when they were not around to see the procession of the disease, I understand. It is hard if people do not see it day-to-day, week to week, month-to-month, and year-to-year. I told the amazing hospice chaplain who was so comforting to us that I feel as if I "lost" my mom incrementally over the years...every change as you describe on the journey was a small death of the person that she used to be. He reassured me that I gave my mom a beautiful death; she was home and loved and I held her hand as she took her last breath. Thank you for sharing your story. My mom would always tell me (because I tend to be private) that when you share your stories with others, you are bound to find commonality and thus possibly help others by letting them know they are not alone. You have done this for me and I am so grateful.
Deb I so get you. I was the same way. I cared for my mom for 8 years in my home and in the last 3 years of her life she was diagnosed with dementia. She was 82 when she died. The last year of her life was really rough. She went fast. She passed away at home where she was comfortable. Grieving for me was similar to how you were. It took alot out of me to see her advance so fast with the disease. I knew it was going to be best if she died because she wasn't going to get better. My siblings that weren't there to help didn't involve themselves in her life was the worse for me to see. How could anyone just abandon a parent. I made sure she had the best days possible in her life end after my dad passed. But the most difficult thing me was after the funeral and everything settled down I was lost. I was so used to be caring for her and didn't have that anymore. I was getting depressed so I sold my house,quit my job and moved south. I stayed there to see her happy and now it's time to enjoy my life. Well that's the short version lol. This was in 2022. Wish you the best.
It's weird how things go from so time consuming to finished. For us, the transition to assisted living helped but it was both weird and a relief not having to constantly run.
I hope you are doing well! I didn't care for my parents daily as I live in another country and would visit every month for a few days, when they both passed at the beginning of this month I also had this moment of 'but what am I to do now?' As it had been 2 and a half years of travelling, constant looking after bills, laundry, administration and so on, I still feel a bit like a toy soldier that suddenly got out of batteries... Anyways, for now my response is to fix up their dementia home, and after that we'll see I guess :) ps. Also I had quite a difficult relationship with my parents all my life but how one would abandon a parent in difficulty is absolutely beyond me.
Thank you for this post. I feel the same way, accept their passing, no heroic measures. That as my 90 year old mother who lives with me, has advanced dementia and looses ability to function, I grieve. I am hoping her passing will be a release from the constriction of dementia for both of us. Deb, continued blessings to you and your family.
I’ve just come across your channel. I’m in total agreement with everything you’ve said. My mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2021 but has had it for around 9 years. It’s been torture watching her decline to the point where she’s in long term care now. Watching her struggle so much and lose the ability to do even the simplest tasks IS like losing her over and over again. There were many days where I prayed that she would die, to be released from this terrifying (that’s how she feels a lot of the time) disease. Not because I don’t love her or want her to live but purely to give her some peace. This person isn’t the same person I knew as “mum”, but I love the person she has become and don’t want to watch her suffer any more. Like you I think my mum will die from pneumonia as she regularly gets chest infections and suffers from COPD. Thank you for sharing your experience, I’m going to watch all of your videos 💞💞
Sending love my momma just passed 8/23/23. I was her caregiver for 2.9 after my daddy passed. You touch my heart wish I’d found you sooner in my journey of dementia
My parents are in their 90s. I am losing them bit by bit and I see it every time I visit. And yes the grieving takes place at those times as well as upon death I think.
Thank you. My girlfriend is going through what your mom did go through. And you’re right, every time I see her, she loses something. First her talking, then the hardest part for me was her walking when she lost that. Because she used to love to dance. And now that’s all gone. She’s an assistant living. I’m going to see her next week, I usually do that every week, but I’ve been drained every time I go there. I’m heartbroken. A piece of me is gone. So I took a mini break. But you’re right, anytime they lose something you grieve ongoing thing. I hate to say this, but when they do die it’s probably more of a relief so they don’t have to go through that anymore. And also for the love ones. She’ll never get that back. Thank you, and God bless
It's the little things, isnt it? Can't make a hot drink. Can't make a sandwich. Can't comb their hair. No interest in your life and what's happening. It's heartbreaking. You're watching them fade away behind the eyes.... Be well and find that moment of sunshine. I'm at the stage where I see my ❤one in characters or animals. For some reason it actually helps and I can laugh at their feistyness or just the resemblance. 🤷🏽♀️It helps.
Thanks for sharing your journey on The Dementia Road, Deb. It has helped me to deal with accepting my own mother's dementia decline. I'm glad that this part of the journey is over for both you and your mother. Have a great rest of the summer!
Thank you for inviting me and sharing your your journey. My mom passed away this Saturday with same condition and in a Memory Care facility. I visited frequently and volunteered helping staff on her floor. I learned many facets of dementia.
Deb, this is great! Thanks. My parent was one of those irrational people that didn’t understand why her elderly, ill parent had to die. Even as a believer, I think there was always a huge fear of death.
To everyone... while you're fit and healthy, decide what your final wishes are, get your affairs in order, even what music you would like at your funeral, and let your loved ones know. It saves them having to make those decisions when they are in a tailspin after your passing. I am 64 with no children - but those who will be dealing with my affairs know the instructions are already there for when the time comes.
While mentally ill in hospital, My husband put a Full code on his wishes to medical staff, but his POA (signed 4 yrs ago) says no breathing tube or feeding tube. He has been hospitalized with catatonia 3 months, has many health issues and signs of stage 4/5 dementia. As his home primary caregiver I now don’t know what to do.
Thank you for this video. I had to put my mom in Assisted Living one year ago. It was the best decision for her & myself. Im a 63 year old nurse & have had 2 heart attacks. I wonder if my mom will outlive me sometimes. I tried keepung her home & paying $1,000 a week CASH for care. Mom still wandered and got lost, wasnt getting any showers, and minimal care. I couldnt work without getting multiple calls daily from my mom, or her caretaker. I also went through a horrendous unexpected divorce from my husband of 35 years. I just cant take all the stress and responsibility that comes with this. It will be a relief when she passes. She is an angry and combative person most of the time, and shes miserable. She takes this out on me. I also had to go through this with my Dad for 10 years begore he passed in 2016. Im hanging on by my fingernails most days with all the stress of loneliness, loss of my husband, my own health, & am not sure how much longer I can work. I took early social security, so i can work part time, but i still will never be able to quit work. I hope to find peace some day and be able to enjoy whats left of my life.
That is hard. There are people who get upset when a family member won't take 24/7 care of a loved one with dementia. Everyone is not able and some are just not cut out for it. I think it's best to know that about oneself to ensure the best care for the loved one.
My mother is 85 and has dementia. Severe according to her doctor. Watching the changes is a difficult thing. Thank you for your videos. The information will help in the future care of my mom.
I get what you are saying. I personally grieve, inside myself, as I watch my mother slip away from being herself. She is 93 years young. She was so capable, so adventurous, a real firecracker. It has been my pleasure and honour to be her child. She recently had become somewhat unusually forgetful so I took her to a neurologist last week. She has Alzheimer’s. She is fading so quickly it is stunning. Thank you for these videos. They are becoming soooo helpful. 👍. Doctors tend to suck at telling folks much of anything. You really fill in the blanks.
So glad to hear your honest views about the end of life decisions that you made for your mom. Society really doesn’t prepare us for the certain end of life for all of us. Would love to hear so much more of this discussion.
Deb, your mom and my great grandma both passed away at age 87. Grammy Giggey slept for 7 straight days before she passed. None of our family was there, but the aides and nurses on the memory Care ward were there.
I’m sorry you lost your mum but as we know you lost the mum you knew and loved long before she died I get it. My son has dementia from brain damage / surgery. It seems each week another piece of him is taken away and he sleeps a lot. He can’t cope well with going out anymore and life is very restricted for him. I hope that now you can rebuild your life and utilise all the free time you have now. God bless you for sharing all these videos. You articulate what I can’t. X
I really appreciate and understand your attitude concerning the loss of your Mother. Here I worried that I would have not mourn when I loose Momma because I am so tired of the abuse from her. I’ve already gotten her funeral and transportation for the funeral already planned and paid for.
Very well said. You understand it. Those who are further removed will have a harder time with death. Those who have not yet experienced such a loss will also have a harder time with death. Thank you for all the knowledge you have shared, and for being a good role model for those still behind you on this path.
Deb, what you are saying about grieving is so true. For me the loss of my Mom happens everyday I visit her in memory care. I pray that she will be released soon. Thank you I have enjoyed all your videos.
Debra, I am sorry you have had this journey with your mom, but you have brought a lot of common sense and relief to those of us on the same trip. We share so many of the same thoughts and feelings and take comfort as you have accepted the certain reality…..our loved one is not going to get better. It is extremely difficult to watch the person you have loved and been with (for however many years) experience all the changes. My husband was like your mother, he has treatments and medications that have him living as comfortably as possible. But there is no magic pill that can return his memory. And with each skill he loses, I lose a part of him, too. The indignity of much that is happening is so unfair, I ache for him. He still misses me when I am not there to visit, but I know that will go away, too. I will not have that feeling, I so miss the man and friend he used to be. Not fair! But I certainly do not want him to suffer one unnecessary moment to stay in a life he no longer wants. And I feel the same for myself. I have had a great life for the most part, but I do not want to prolong a life that is just difficult! Why would I want that for him? At this stage he is enjoying a visit from his son,
@@lifeunderdeborahspalm-thed8114 agree completely! Trying each day to live by the decisions we made when he first become aware of his future. He is well cared for and safe, and that is the main thing for me. I no longer have to worry will he just walk away or do something more dangerous. Every day seems like a little more loss, after 61 years together it is difficult for both of us. Thank you for all your writings and experiences, it does help to reassure where this all goes.
I'm so happy your mother is with Jesus now! My father is in stage 5 dementia at the moment. I mourn him every time a little more of him disappears and the disease progresses. He was always fiercely independent and seeing him this way is hard. Thank God Jesus has always been there and will be there to get me through!
This is just what I needed to hear today, thank you Deborah! My mother passed 3.5 weeks ago from Lewy Body dementia and Parkinson's... also at age almost 87.. She was in a nursing home to give me respite, and only 2 days in and I get a call from the home saying she is having a hard time breathing and having a rapid pulse... I rush to be there within minutes.... I hear a deep rumbling cough which she doesn't seem to be able to deal with.. minutes later as paramedics arrive, her pulse has stopped and I'm wondering if she's maybe aspirated? Anyway she does pass minutes later and quite unexpectedly. For the past 3 weeks, I've wondered over and over again if she was ready to go.... dementia doesn't necessarily mean that the person wants to gone, they do enjoy little things, I know my mother enjoyed every meal and every snack, and stories, even if she couldn't follow all that well... and walks looking at neighbour's garden by wheelchair... however the role of the caregiver is so enormous, that it's also easy to see it from that perspective and maybe assume the quality of life is not what we want it to be from our own perspective... I just don't know but listening to this did reassure me a bit, to let her rest and know it was her time, thank you.
I'm sorry for your loss. My mother has LBD with Parkinson's as well. I believe she is somewhere around stage 5. She is 73 and has had a diagnosis for about 4 years. My father is caring for her at home. Unfortunately I live about 7 hours away by car and still have a kiddo in school. I have been trying to visit every couple of months to give my dad a break and be a sounding board to help him gauge things from an outside perspective. It is nice to be able to hear the experiences from others who have the same diagnosis. All the dementias have similar threads, but they each have their unique issues.
Thank you so much for sharing. Your videos have been very informative for me. I share them with my dad so he can have come clarity about dementia. I read a lot about the disease so I won’t be surprised by what my mom is experiencing.
Perfect message, thank you. Think ahead because it's not a possibility, it's an inevitabliity. Get directives done, a will updated, make sure everyone knows what is hoped for. When you don't, your people get to deal with so many more issues that are avoidable. Same for those kids. Not going to stay the same or get better especially if the person is 80s on. P.S., are there some things in your house, old clothes you won't be wearing, that could be sent to Goodwill donations now? A few less boxes those left behind will have to navigate.
Thank you Deb for sharing! You hit the nail on the head with your statement "...grieved every time she lost something..." after she crossed the rainbow. You are RIGHT... I too am grief filled with every task I help her with. At this point in this awful disease, my imaginary bucketS are filled with tears, I don't think I will have enough when it's my mother's turn to cross that rainbow bridge.
You are so right, death is almost a taboo subject now, we've medicalised every stage of life and are no longer in touch with the natural rhythm of living and dying.
My condolences to you and your family. May she rest in peace. I help to take care of my 87 y.o. MIL who has mixed dementia, and has definitely progressed to another stage than she was just 3 months ago. Have been doing this for 5 years and for so long, I was carrying anger and resentment towards her four other able bodied children who have not even had the decency to say “thank you” for taking care of their mother while they enjoy the freedom. I realize that she doesn’t have much time left, so all I can do is do the best that I can do for her until that time comes. Funeral arrangements have already been made and paid for. Thank you for the reminder that those who are not involved with the day to day tasks are going to have a harder time with her death than I will. May you take comfort in knowing that you did a great job for your mom ❤.
I was the sole caretaker, along with my husband, to go through this journey with my mother. She was 94 when she passed. Indeed the grieving happens all along the course of caring for her because of the loss of the little pieces of her that make her my mother and the grandmother of my children. I was sad but felt relief that she was no longer suffering when she passed. I was not at her bedside but wasn't surprised that she went when I wasn't with her. It was just how she was.❤
My father passed in a small aircraft accident when I was 13. I am now 61 taking care of my 89 year old mom who is in stage 5-6. Up until my early fifties I would stress out about how I would live without her. I knew I would be hysterical. Now, I do not feel that way. It will be a blessed relief.
I am sorry for your loss but I can absolutely relate to your point that you grieved all along the journey. My 86 yr old daddy has Alzheimer’s and had an ischemic stroke last July so his dementia is escalating quite quickly. I know what you meant by grieving with your moms losses😢. Daddy is in stage 5, his confusion lasts all through the day now, he puts his pants on backwards and wears his shirts inside out or on top of his pjs. He wandered over to the neighbors backyard at 12:30 one night. Now I lock the gate to his yard so I can get my rest. So I’m preparing myself and making sure all his finances are in order. We have discussed everything as to his end of life wishes. I am his successor to his trust so I will continue on with his rentals etc. Take care of yourself now❤️
Thank you for sharing these very valid points. My sister and I were the main caregivers for our parents prior to their deaths. We knew what their end of life wishes were and thankfully our siblings understood as well. We didn’t have the burden of guilt regarding withdrawing care and opting for hospice. And frankly, their passing was a relief because we knew it was best. Why prolong the inevitable.
For sure. Also, it truely is a part of your own life that dissapears when they go - mine just left, both, two days a part, after 2 and a half years of assisted living - and while I was somewhat relieved for them, knowing that all those memories of being together are now definitely in the past is still hard. A part of my youth has been burried with them, even though they always will be wherever I will be ❤️
I am so, so sorry about the loss of your mom.... she sounds like a wonderful lady who had an extraordinary daughter! I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your content. My dad has been having dementia for quite a while, but I never knew exactly what was really happening, or about the 7 stages. I thought it was just normal aging, short term memory getting less sharp etc. But then it was more than that, but not so bad as to threaten his independence. Then my dad had a stroke because he refused to take his meds because "what's the point". I saw significant cognitive decline afterward. I fought to have him enter a senior community at a minimum, but my step brother and sister got very nasty with me about it. They said "They're old, sh@t happens". They egged him on, and without a united front there was no hope to convince my very stubborn dad that something was wrong. I was told I wasn't a part of his real family and not welcome. I warned them that he would go off his meds again and have another stroke, but it would be much worse and he could be very debilitated and then we'd be looking at full Assisted LIving. They would not listen, and were very ugly about it, and my dad would get very angry if I brought it up. I am ashamed to say I finally gave up. Six months later, as predicted, he had a second stroke... much worse this time. Same reasons, lied about taking his meds. I am sooooo angry at my step brother & sister.... I hold them partially responsible for enabling him, and putting him at risk by egging him on in his state of denial. Now I realize he was in the early stages of dementia when making these choices. After this second stroke, he was diagnosed with vascular dementia and jumped from I'd say a Stage 3 to a solid Stage 5 due to the brain damage it caused. Step brother/sister still think they can live on their own (Dad's wife has Stage 5 too). My sister in-law and I are the only sane, rational ones. We got Medical and Financial POA and are taking the necessary steps to make sure they get the care they need. Step siblings have done zero to help whatsoever in the "Living Hell" that has been the last month of my life. Nothing to help, but they seem to have the energy and time to throw bricks at me and my sister in-law who are doing all the work. We've been called "evil" "traitors" "stealing their money" etc. because we want to use their assets to pay for their continued care... including for their own mom. We have spent quite a bit of our own money to help cash flow until their house sells, because they have little savings. I think step siblings are ultimately angry that we are spending the inheritance they feel entitled to on taking care of them. I can't figure it out people who think that way. Anyway, your videos have been a Godsend to me.... THANK YOU. There is so little info out there, especially presented in laymans terms and real life experience. It makes me feel so much less alone in this horrible journey! You are right, the doctors truly don't adequately warn you about what to expect in terms of behavior. My dad now cries 20+ times in a hour, broken up by bursts of frustrated swearing when his words come out scrambled or something else minor frustrates him. It is so scary when you don't know WHY these personality changes are happening. Or that rational arguments are useless because they can't think rationally or logically anymore. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story, educating me on the day-to-day reality and everything that none of the medical community seems to want to discuss. I get it... its time consuming... there will be tears.... panic.... and a billion questions.... they are understaffed and overworked. But why not refer us to a book? Or website? Or something to educate ourselves? I hope that changes for the future people who have to deal with this horrific diagnosis.
There always seems to be at least one family member who doesn't help but is more than willing to tell those on the front lines how things need to be done. And the truth is - it's THEIR money that is to be spent on THEM. Yes, we know they would rather leave an inheritance, but it doesn't always work that way unless someone has planned long in advance. Glad the videos help!
Hi Debra, I’m so sorry about your mom. I understand and agree with everything you’ve said but it’s hard when your so close with someone and you have to say goodbye. My mom calls me everyday, so one day the phone won’t be ringing and I won’t hear her voice and if I need advice or help, she won’t be there. That’s what’s so hard for me.
You are a absolutely right, for me every time I look into my Dads eyes I grieve the losses he must be experiencing and just how confusing things must be for him.
November 2023. I agree with you. I dealt with my Dad’s illness for 8 years. Every time he lost more it was like a knife twisting. He in my opinion had a good death. I was happy he was free.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m on this journey with my mom now so I greatly appreciate your sharing with all of us. Love and prayers to you and your family.
My Mom was 87 also.She lived with me the last 5 years of her life and she never really progressed to real late stages. She was not a real big burden.We just didn't go anywhere and my brother was in another state.She ended up waking up one morning and said she couldn't breathe. I had heard what I thought was a slight wheeze the night before so I told her we were going to the doctor the next day. I called the rescue and I was told at the hospital that she had a big pnuemonia.She passed away that night.She never even seemed sick leading up to it. She was like"I don't what it is but I don't feel like myself." That was it. She was acting and doing the same things she always did.I felt guilty I didn't know.. but she had copd somewhat so it went fast.I think it was better she or I didn't really go through real difficult times before that. I was blessed in that way I guess.My Mom was not the same and lost her memories and names and couldn't read anymore or be funny like she was. She just slipped away slowly.I have been watching so many of your videos because now my husband's mom has it. She still lives at home with her husband and is about stage 4.They have help in the home right now.Thanks for these very honest videos. I send them to my husband and his sister. They both do a lot for her.I do too so at least we have that.
When I visited at the end of the week she was fine. I didn't know anything was "going around" the facility. When they called a few days later it seemed like everyone was coughing and sniffling - in fact, I caught it. For me it was annoying sinus congestion. With my mom's health history, I expected pneumonia would be her end - with or without dementia.
Most people with dementia do die from aspiratory pneumonia unfortunately from food getting into the lungs. Such a horrible disease. My mum is still at home after 5 years. Now it seems she doesn't want to eat or drink. 3 drinks a day and her food intake not enough to keep her strength up.
Well I viewed all your videos and they helped me alot. My husband has been diagnosed with Alzhemiers stage 5 now and we are preparing everthing for when he will die, we are putting this on paper now of what he wants for end of life care etc his funeral and were he wishes to be buried and we talked to our children too. You are certainly right that the greiving process is constantly I see this with my husband and I cry everytime he loses and ability that I know he will no regain. Thanks for everything and your helpful videos
We live and die. Death is inevitable. For some reason people think its never supposed to happen even though it’s the one thing we are promised when we come in this world. We should just cherish every moment and live our lives as best as possible.
Many have a hard time dealing with reality, especially in regards to dementia. Everything is easier to plan and prepare for once the inevitable is faced. At 58, my wife has basically been gone for 8 years. She is no longer the person she was. Jobs, friends, family-all gone. I’m not sure she knows her own name. Unfortunately, she is still very healthy. I understand your lack of grief ( and possibly relief). She has been dead to most of her siblings for years. I told my poor son a few months ago that his mom is gone. Poor kid-she missed his high school and college years already. A spouse is a bit different than an elderly parent, but it is still a loss. Thanks for your videos. My condolences.
A spouse is different for sure - and way too young. I find it sad that no one visits - although they may not know the visitor, the visitor knows them. And when your loved one is home, the caregiver could definitely use a break. I think one of the hardest parts of the disease is that it lasts so stinking long.
Thank you for this video, my dad (84) has advanced Alzheimer’s and can’t do anything for himself. My siblings and I take care of him in the home and we feel the same way. We’ve accepted he’s nearing the end and just want him to go peacefully. So I totally understand what you’re saying and feel I’ll feel like you when the time comes. My condolences and again thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing you and your Mom’s journey. I have watched several of your videos on dementia and found them helpful, informative and real. I particularly appreciate your perspective as a daughter and not a clinician. I watch some clinician’s videos and they have their place in informing us, but because I am experiencing the road you have travelled, I really appreciate you! My father will be 96 in a couple of weeks and I would say he is at a stage 5. My Mom will be 89 this year and trying to look after him in their own home because he wants to die at home, to which I’ve said to my Mom “Yes, but at what cost?” My husband and I moved back to oversee their needs and we do a lot for them. My only sibling is in the USA and hasn’t come to see them since 2019 and says she has accepted the fact she will never see them again!?? So there you have it….3 years we’ve helped my parents and boy can they dig their heels in! I can see I will have to start convincing my Mom that things can’t continue this way. It’s hard to parent your parents, especially when 1 is still capable of making decisions, albeit not necessarily the ones I would make! My Mom only gets a housekeeper every 2 weeks and she runs the rest of the inside of the house, including showering my Dad. So far, further professional help has been refused!
I worked in age care for 16 years, my mother developed a bad chest infection (and very demented).As she lay in a coma, I told her it was ok to go. She passed that night and it was such a relief.
I’ve watched all of your videos. You’ve been an amazing support as I am on this journey with my 85 year old mom with Alzheimer’s. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I feel like I’ve been grieving the loss of mom for the 5+ years I’ve been taking care of her and the harshness of this disease. Every day she says she just wants to go be with dad. You’re right it is hard watching them live this horrible disease
Yes! You have helped me tremendously!!! So many things. Yes it is like chipping away at a masterpiece. She was a brilliant business woman with her own businesses and an inspiration to many students with learning disabilities like myself. She was selfless. Never late for picking me up from school. Several things. She is 75, I am 52. I won't let her linger if there would be less of a life keeping her around. I believe she wouldn't want it. She is missing her late husband and her parents recently. I can't say it enough, you are a blessing!!!!
Thank you for this video. I worked in healthcare for 30 years. One of the hardest thing I had to witness was families that refused to let their loved ones go. I can't count the number of times, I saw family members fight between themselves over when to call it quits. It is important to appoint someone as the family representative and to have the legal paperwork in place: Power of Attorney, Advanced Directives, etc. in place before you actually need them.
I watched something online about death (cancer, etc.) One patient had advanced dementia, was 87 years old, and was admitted due to aspirated pneumonia. Two of the three daughters were in health care (doctor and nurse). The docs explained that they could treat the pneumonia but because of the advanced dementia, it would return and probably quickly. The doctor was gently telling them to let her go but also gave the option of a trachea tube. They took the tube. At the end of the documentary, they showed the mom one year later. She had spent the entire time sedated and on a breathing machine in the hospital.
I am so happy to hear you say this. This is how I feel. My mom was my best friend. We did everything together. I am grieving the loss of my friend who is still alive. My mother would be horrified if she knew the things she did. We put her in memory care last week. Every video you have done is so true. I have already grieved my mom. When she passes it will be a blessing for me, my brothers and her. I would like to stop ALL her medication. Why are they trying to keep her going! I wish they would let God do what needs to be done. We took care of my grandmother and experienced the same thing, that's why my mom would not move in with any of her kids. Thank you Deborah for your encouragement. Every word you say on your videos is true. We know our loved ones and their wishes.Bless you your mom is where she can be whole again~
Are they not allowing you to stop her meds? I know when my father-in-law was in a nursing home, they told us we could do that if we wished. My mom didn't want to take them, so we decided to stop fighting except for Tylenol.
My mum is entering the end of life stage of vascular dementia and I, like you, am ready for her to let go. Her life is miserable and she is in a living hell. It needs to end…. for her…..and for us as it is so distressing seeing her unhappy and crying to just go home. Her only words are, please take my home. It’s a cruel long protracted death and I desperately want her emotional pain to stop. So when she does let go, I will feel the relief for her and accept that this needed to happen. So much of her has already died…been eaten up by this horrible disease. ( She is approaching 94)
Thank you for sharing your story. I totally understand your thoughts and feelings about how we grieve when a new part of them is lost. Most of the time I am happy and feel privileged to care for my dad (87 with Stage 6 Alzheimer's). Thank God he is still very sweet and he tells me, "I love you like a daughter" And, I laugh and hug him and say "I AM your daughter!" Your video about Stages 6&7 was also very helpful to me. Thank you.
So sorry for your loss. Going through this with my Mum at the moment and little by little she is disappearing but we are trying our best to enjoy her lucid times.
I’m dealing with my 94 year old dad in memory care. He and I have had several discussions over the years about his wishes, so I know exactly what to do - or not do - when we get to that point. He is now living in the way that he absolutely did not want to live - it’s heartbreaking to witness. It’s absolutely true that some things are worse than death… Thank you for posting your thoughts on this. You are a good daughter.
Deborah, thank you for your honest, clear thinking, comments about that time that will come to our family member. Yes, those of us close to our parents,or husbands/ wives who have been suffering through their dementia, and have when they were in the early stages made know their wishes for their end of life. It is up to us to see them through the wishes they wanted done. I and my siblings went through this with my mom, we were sad to see that time come, but yet relieved that she was free of her earthly bonds of suffering. And yes every time we visited her in the care facility,and she didn’t know us anymore was heartbreaking, we missed her then, we missed her as she got worse and worse. We still miss her everyday, Dementia is a cruel thief. But she is still living in our memories. Thank you for your clear eyed conversation, my condolences on your moms passing away.
Thank you for your honesty. My dad passed away on 2nd July 2022. He had vascular dementia for a few years. My mum took great comfort from watching your videos & it helped her deal with my dad’s illness. You have lots of good advice & it certainly is true about the grieving process as my mum has already grieved for the person my dad used to be. His death was a welcome respite for him and I’m so glad that he is not suffering anymore. Condolences for your loss
Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Your videos have always hit home with me and those who haven’t been on this journey will never understand what it’s like for the caregiver and how we feel. I’m thankful for your support and guidance! 🥰
My mum went into hospital level care today. After being married to my daddy for 70 years. She would be in about stage 6-7 vascular dementia and my dear dad looked after her right up until today. He physically couldn’t do it anymore. It’s so sad - losing my dear mum piece by piece. 😢
Hey Deb.👋 Having Lost Both Parent's as well as Step-Parent's, I KNOW Exactly Where You Are Coming From and Totally AGREE. It's So Much Easier to LET THEM GO, then to Watch Them Suffer. EVERY Family Should Talk About and Plan For WHEN. No One Really Know's When "The Day" Will Come, but It Is a Given. Bless You. 💜
Thank you for sharing your journey with your mom. I started to share this video with another family member but realized they won't receive the message yet. My MIL is in stage 5 and 91. My husband and I are cherishing every good moment we have left with her, but we also know that when she dies, she is ready, and death will be a relief from the illness and suffering. I pray we can help her other two children through this process, but they are not believers. So it is very hard for them.
Celebrating mom and dad when they passed after long Dementia declines was how my siblings and I handled it. We were thrilled that their suffering was over. Sounded morbid to some but we all were happy for their release.
I know what you mean. I found myself grieving my friend who had frontal lobe epilepsy & died of it. He lost a bit of himself each time he had a seizure. He was in so many ways himself & in so many ways not. There were a lot of odd conversations. We had supported each other so much & then I could not ask him for support any more. He did not understand what was happening for me. He seemed to have forgotten a lot of our long, close, friendship. I was grieving for him for 2 or 3 years before he died at the same time as trying to be a supportive friend.
Watching this a year after you posted - your views and comments resonated strongly with me. My mother has dementia and is I think in stage 6. All your experiences with your mother I can recognise. My attitude is like yours, I am an adult aged 65 and my mother is 96. Her wishes are clear as we have spoken about this many times and now it’s in writing everyone can see. When she goes, we are ready for it and wishing her a peaceful decline and easy death. She has had two doses of covid and survived both! My grieving for mum began some months ago, so when she finally goes we will see it as a relief for her and us. It’s a hard process to go through for them and their loved ones. Peace to all.
My Mother died at 92 from dementia. It was so painful to watch her daily life. I can relate to all your caregiving struggles. She is at peace now. Do I miss her? Yes, I miss the Mom she WAS 😥
I am so grateful for the way you explain these things. It breaks my heart every time I see my father - a shadow of himself. You seem to be hanging in there with the loss of your mom. It’s a difficult thing, but was made better by you knowing her wishes and her faith. I am sorry for your loss.
with dementia, you have said "goodbye" to your loved one many times over the years as they decline. my dad is still with us, but when he passes i will be relived that his suffering is over. i said goodbye to my dad years ago.
Deb, I wish I could convey how my feelings are so much like yours! It's not that I WANT mom to die, but her life (she's bedbound in a nursing home with stage 6 dementia) is pretty much over right now. Yes, she might be able to bring a spoon to her mouth and tell someone how upset she is with them, but any semblance of "life" has left. I, like you, grieved every time I go in and see she cannot hold a conversation with me. I grieve every time I see she cannot remember her family members. I grieve when she cannot understand simple tasks. No, I won't be jumping for joy at her funeral, but neither will I be grieving, I will be rejoicing that she is in heaven, and will, unfortunately be helping EVERYONE ELSE grieve over a loo they never saw coming.
My mom is not at that advanced stage but she has lost a lot. I have mourned every loss . She can’t handle the mail and she hides the bills from my brother and SIL who live with her. She also still plays mah-jongg and has lunch out with her friends. I am happy for the happiness she has. I know it fleeting. I don’t mourn losses before the happen. I know how the story ends though. I will be happy for her when the suffering happens. I will also cry. I won’t be shocked tho. Thanks to Debra for showing me how to walk this path.
❤
I totally understand, my dad has advanced alzheimers, I have been grieving him for the past 2 years, just like you. I'm sure his departure will still be hard, but honestly I see it as the end of these years of sufference, which he very much not would have wanted to live through in the first place.
@@itsmeHiImtheSigridItsmeI hear you, it doesn’t mean I don’t very much love my husband of 31 years but caring for him is killing me and he has zero quality of life.
You are so right about the grieving. I grieve every time I come across a nice blouse of hers, or pair of shoes, or her handbag/purse. It hurts my heart to know she'll never use any of them again, particularly because she was always made up and dressed nicely. She's now in bed 24/7 in her pyjamas. I will be happy for her release when she goes. She hates being stuck in bed. Thank you Deb, for giving us a place to say it out loud, as it were. I'm in the UK and it's very stiff upper lip here still.
It's those times that snaps you back to how much has been lost. It's hard. Best to you.
My husband of 45 years is about ready for hospice. Ive been grieving for years. Truly think that when he dies I will have a celebration of his life. I totally understand where you were coming from in this video. The love of my life, my best friend, is gone. It is my wish to have him comfortable and feeling loved until he dies. It has been a long struggle, but the end will set us both free. I started missing him years ago. Yeah, I understand your video and appreciate your candidness.
Those who have gone through the long haul with this disease often feel the same. I think people are too afraid to say so because of what others will think. If you haven't been there, you don't understand.
My husband passed in Jan7, 2023, he had been battling vascular dementia that progressed rapidly. I was his caregiver and was able to him at home until the end❤️
My husband of 45 yrs is right there with your husband. I understand and pray for you. I haven’t seen one of Deb’s post for some time and am so thankful to have heard the two that came across! May the Almighty bless you on your journey ❤
So glad she is with Jesus now……❤❤❤
I totally understand your feelings. My mom died at 78 after watching her decline for 8 years. She wasn't the mother I grew up with. She became hostile and unable to do anything for herself. She didn't know us, kids but she knew my dad till the end. We decided to have no feeding tubes and such. We asked the doctor to just keep her comfortable and pain free. I loved her, and let her go and felt relief.
So true.
I needed this as my 89 year old husband with dementia is in late stage. He is ready to go and this helps me a lot. We have our plans ready.
Sorry to hear. It is sad, but also a relief for them and you.
Worried
All living one has to go one day.
This is world is not permanent for us
May God bless all of us
🙏
Deb you are so wise and so very interesting to listen to. You speak the truth and we all need to hear this. God Bless you for putting these videos out there. Thank you from all of us. 😊
Thank you!
You said this so well, it is harder to watch them live than to watch them die at this point. All the losses along the way, we grieve for them daily. By the time death comes, there are no more tears. Just relief.
Deborah, I hate your tone. You are full of contempt. You “got this.” BS
well said
Love that,so true
I'm glad she's no longer suffering this awful disease and that your free from seeing her just fade away bit by bit. Thank you for all the videos you posted about her
It really does help for so many others to understand it better
It was so funny to me i was listening to a woman talk about her dad dieing she said she wasnt expecting him to die so young he was 93. Love it.
I just found your channel. I wish i had found you a while back. My 80year old mother just passed away acouple days ago of late stage dementia. I was helping her for acouple years. And yes i grieved her for the last couple of years. It was so sad to see her lose so much.😢 i hope they find a cure for dementia because it is clearly one of the worse diseases out there. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Thank you so much for sharing your time with your mother. I lost my father last year due to complications of dementia. Two months later my mother switched from palliative care to hospice care where she remains today. I travel cross country every month to visit with her for ten days. Yes, long distance is more difficult than had I simply remained there, but with my own family that cannot travel - this was the easiest thing to do. I've been in a state of grieving losses of their memories, physical abilities, and a bit of personalities as well. I only pray for peaceful passings with no pain and no fear.
I'm blessed that I have no regrets.
Many people end up with regrets and GUILT!
I feel you. I am also an only child living far away from home, lost my dad do advanced alzheimer at the beginning of december, and then my mon who also suffered dementia and had a very rapid decline over the past year and a half left us the next day. Like you I travelled each month to visit for a few days. I know you are doing the best tou can and I am sure they know and feel loved
Thank you for this. I’m sorry for your loss🙏🏻. I just finished pre planning my mom’s funeral and final resting place. Everything is in place, which has brought me peace. She is stage 5, and the quality of her life is not great. You are absolutely right, it’s death by a thousand paper cuts and we experience that loss with them day by day.
Death is a very natural thing. As natural as Life itself. I wish we could recognize it as soulful transition -rather than complete loss. Great video. Thanks
True, but I think as a society our view of death has changed. I've seen the living want to hang onto the dying and keep them here longer than they want to be kept here.
So sorry for your loss. Just know you are helping many other people get through their terrible times. Thank you.
Deborah, my mother passed away a week ago today. She was in the end stage of Alzheimer's (bed bound, needing to be changed and fed, non-verbal, etc.), and the way you have conveyed everything is so true. I cared for my mom for 7 years at home and she went through so many of the stages you describe with your mother. It is true that I was not informed (referencing your "10 things" video) of what was going to happen at each stage by the doctors, but like your mother, my mom went through all stages. I only recently found your channel, but it has brought me such comfort. Your clear and realistic explanations are so informative and straightforward. I am an only child, but like the family you say may have ideas about things when they were not around to see the procession of the disease, I understand. It is hard if people do not see it day-to-day, week to week, month-to-month, and year-to-year. I told the amazing hospice chaplain who was so comforting to us that I feel as if I "lost" my mom incrementally over the years...every change as you describe on the journey was a small death of the person that she used to be. He reassured me that I gave my mom a beautiful death; she was home and loved and I held her hand as she took her last breath. Thank you for sharing your story. My mom would always tell me (because I tend to be private) that when you share your stories with others, you are bound to find commonality and thus possibly help others by letting them know they are not alone. You have done this for me and I am so grateful.
Thank you. Sorry for your loss.
Truly sorry for your loss 😢.
@@Bubblegumswitch Thank you so much.
@@Bubblegumswitch Thank you.
Deb I so get you. I was the same way. I cared for my mom for 8 years in my home and in the last 3 years of her life she was diagnosed with dementia. She was 82 when she died. The last year of her life was really rough. She went fast. She passed away at home where she was comfortable. Grieving for me was similar to how you were. It took alot out of me to see her advance so fast with the disease. I knew it was going to be best if she died because she wasn't going to get better. My siblings that weren't there to help didn't involve themselves in her life was the worse for me to see. How could anyone just abandon a parent. I made sure she had the best days possible in her life end after my dad passed. But the most difficult thing me was after the funeral and everything settled down I was lost. I was so used to be caring for her and didn't have that anymore. I was getting depressed so I sold my house,quit my job and moved south. I stayed there to see her happy and now it's time to enjoy my life. Well that's the short version lol. This was in 2022. Wish you the best.
It's weird how things go from so time consuming to finished. For us, the transition to assisted living helped but it was both weird and a relief not having to constantly run.
I hope you are doing well! I didn't care for my parents daily as I live in another country and would visit every month for a few days, when they both passed at the beginning of this month I also had this moment of 'but what am I to do now?' As it had been 2 and a half years of travelling, constant looking after bills, laundry, administration and so on, I still feel a bit like a toy soldier that suddenly got out of batteries... Anyways, for now my response is to fix up their dementia home, and after that we'll see I guess :) ps. Also I had quite a difficult relationship with my parents all my life but how one would abandon a parent in difficulty is absolutely beyond me.
I am so touched by your story, l felt exactly the same way..my mother would have been appalled of her behavior.
Thank you for this post. I feel the same way, accept their passing, no heroic measures. That as my 90 year old mother who lives with me, has advanced dementia and looses ability to function, I grieve. I am hoping her passing will be a release from the constriction of dementia for both of us. Deb, continued blessings to you and your family.
I’ve just come across your channel. I’m in total agreement with everything you’ve said. My mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2021 but has had it for around 9 years. It’s been torture watching her decline to the point where she’s in long term care now. Watching her struggle so much and lose the ability to do even the simplest tasks IS like losing her over and over again. There were many days where I prayed that she would die, to be released from this terrifying (that’s how she feels a lot of the time) disease. Not because I don’t love her or want her to live but purely to give her some peace. This person isn’t the same person I knew as “mum”, but I love the person she has become and don’t want to watch her suffer any more.
Like you I think my mum will die from pneumonia as she regularly gets chest infections and suffers from COPD.
Thank you for sharing your experience, I’m going to watch all of your videos 💞💞
Sending love my momma just passed 8/23/23. I was her caregiver for 2.9 after my daddy passed. You touch my heart wish I’d found you sooner in my journey of dementia
My parents are in their 90s. I am losing them bit by bit and I see it every time I visit. And yes the grieving takes place at those times as well as upon death I think.
It's hard. They're still here but you miss them because they aren't who they used to be.
Thank you. My girlfriend is going through what your mom did go through. And you’re right, every time I see her, she loses something. First her talking, then the hardest part for me was her walking when she lost that. Because she used to love to dance. And now that’s all gone. She’s an assistant living. I’m going to see her next week, I usually do that every week, but I’ve been drained every time I go there. I’m heartbroken. A piece of me is gone. So I took a mini break. But you’re right, anytime they lose something you grieve ongoing thing. I hate to say this, but when they do die it’s probably more of a relief so they don’t have to go through that anymore. And also for the love ones. She’ll never get that back. Thank you, and God bless
It was a relief for us. With all her medical issues, her quality of life was terrible.
It's the little things, isnt it? Can't make a hot drink. Can't make a sandwich. Can't comb their hair. No interest in your life and what's happening. It's heartbreaking. You're watching them fade away behind the eyes.... Be well and find that moment of sunshine. I'm at the stage where I see my ❤one in characters or animals. For some reason it actually helps and I can laugh at their feistyness or just the resemblance. 🤷🏽♀️It helps.
Thanks for sharing your journey on The Dementia Road, Deb. It has helped me to deal with accepting my own mother's dementia decline. I'm glad that this part of the journey is over for both you and your mother. Have a great rest of the summer!
Thank you.
Sorry for your loss and so grateful for all your help and documenting the dementia journey I’m now facing with my aunt. ❤
It's a hard thing to go through, but I hope it gives you the information you need.
Thank you for inviting me and sharing your your journey. My mom passed away this Saturday with same condition and in a Memory Care facility. I visited frequently and volunteered helping staff on her floor. I learned many facets of dementia.
Deb, this is great! Thanks. My parent was one of those irrational people that didn’t understand why her elderly, ill parent had to die. Even as a believer, I think there was always a huge fear of death.
I agree.
To everyone... while you're fit and healthy, decide what your final wishes are, get your affairs in order, even what music you would like at your funeral, and let your loved ones know. It saves them having to make those decisions when they are in a tailspin after your passing. I am 64 with no children - but those who will be dealing with my affairs know the instructions are already there for when the time comes.
While mentally ill in hospital, My husband put a Full code on his wishes to medical staff, but his POA (signed 4 yrs ago) says no breathing tube or feeding tube. He has been hospitalized with catatonia 3 months, has many health issues and signs of stage 4/5 dementia.
As his home primary caregiver I now don’t know what to do.
@juliamundt101 My heart goes out to you, but he will know whatever you decide it was done with love.
Thank you for this video. I had to put my mom in Assisted Living one year ago. It was the best decision for her & myself. Im a 63 year old nurse & have had 2 heart attacks. I wonder if my mom will outlive me sometimes. I tried keepung her home & paying $1,000 a week CASH for care. Mom still wandered and got lost, wasnt getting any showers, and minimal care. I couldnt work without getting multiple calls daily from my mom, or her caretaker. I also went through a horrendous unexpected divorce from my husband of 35 years. I just cant take all the stress and responsibility that comes with this. It will be a relief when she passes. She is an angry and combative person most of the time, and shes miserable. She takes this out on me.
I also had to go through this with my Dad for 10 years begore he passed in 2016. Im hanging on by my fingernails most days with all the stress of loneliness, loss of my husband, my own health, & am not sure how much longer I can work. I took early social security, so i can work part time, but i still will never be able to quit work. I hope to find peace some day and be able to enjoy whats left of my life.
That is hard. There are people who get upset when a family member won't take 24/7 care of a loved one with dementia. Everyone is not able and some are just not cut out for it. I think it's best to know that about oneself to ensure the best care for the loved one.
My mother is 85 and has dementia. Severe according to her doctor. Watching the changes is a difficult thing. Thank you for your videos. The information will help in the future care of my mom.
I get what you are saying. I personally grieve, inside myself, as I watch my mother slip away from being herself. She is 93 years young. She was so capable, so adventurous, a real firecracker. It has been my pleasure and honour to be her child. She recently had become somewhat unusually forgetful so I took her to a neurologist last week. She has Alzheimer’s. She is fading so quickly it is stunning. Thank you for these videos. They are becoming soooo helpful. 👍. Doctors tend to suck at telling folks much of anything. You really fill in the blanks.
Glad the videos help. It seems that the older they are, the faster they decline.
So glad to hear your honest views about the end of life decisions that you made for your mom. Society really doesn’t prepare us for the certain end of life for all of us. Would love to hear so much more of this discussion.
Deb, your mom and my great grandma both passed away at age 87. Grammy Giggey slept for 7 straight days before she passed. None of our family was there, but the aides and nurses on the memory Care ward were there.
I’m sorry you lost your mum but as we know you lost the mum you knew and loved long before she died
I get it.
My son has dementia from brain damage / surgery.
It seems each week another piece of him is taken away and he sleeps a lot.
He can’t cope well with going out anymore and life is very restricted for him.
I hope that now you can rebuild your life and utilise all the free time you have now.
God bless you for sharing all these videos.
You articulate what I can’t. X
I really appreciate and understand your attitude concerning the loss of your Mother. Here I worried that I would have not mourn when I loose Momma because I am so tired of the abuse from her. I’ve already gotten her funeral and transportation for the funeral already planned and paid for.
Very well said. You understand it. Those who are further removed will have a harder time with death. Those who have not yet experienced such a loss will also have a harder time with death. Thank you for all the knowledge you have shared, and for being a good role model for those still behind you on this path.
Deb, what you are saying about grieving is so true. For me the loss of my Mom happens everyday I visit her in memory care. I pray that she will be released soon. Thank you I have enjoyed all your videos.
This is so wonderful thank you for doing it for us.
Thank you for your down to earth approach to this and to communicating about it.
Debra, I am sorry you have had this journey with your mom, but you have brought a lot of common sense and relief to those of us on the same trip. We share so many of the same thoughts and feelings and take comfort as you have accepted the certain reality…..our loved one is not going to get better. It is extremely difficult to watch the person you have loved and been with (for however many years) experience all the changes. My husband was like your mother, he has treatments and medications that have him living as comfortably as possible. But there is no magic pill that can return his memory. And with each skill he loses, I lose a part of him, too. The indignity of much that is happening is so unfair, I ache for him. He still misses me when I am not there to visit, but I know that will go away, too. I will not have that feeling, I so miss the man and friend he used to be. Not fair! But I certainly do not want him to suffer one unnecessary moment to stay in a life he no longer wants. And I feel the same for myself. I have had a great life for the most part, but I do not want to prolong a life that is just difficult! Why would I want that for him?
At this stage he is enjoying a visit from his son,
It is such a miserable disease. I think the rest of us suffer more than the person with it. Life stands still in some ways.
@@lifeunderdeborahspalm-thed8114 agree completely! Trying each day to live by the decisions we made when he first become aware of his future. He is well cared for and safe, and that is the main thing for me. I no longer have to worry will he just walk away or do something more dangerous. Every day seems like a little more loss, after 61 years together it is difficult for both of us. Thank you for all your writings and experiences, it does help to reassure where this all goes.
I'm so happy your mother is with Jesus now! My father is in stage 5 dementia at the moment. I mourn him every time a little more of him disappears and the disease progresses. He was always fiercely independent and seeing him this way is hard. Thank God Jesus has always been there and will be there to get me through!
This is just what I needed to hear today, thank you Deborah! My mother passed 3.5 weeks ago from Lewy Body dementia and Parkinson's... also at age almost 87.. She was in a nursing home to give me respite, and only 2 days in and I get a call from the home saying she is having a hard time breathing and having a rapid pulse... I rush to be there within minutes.... I hear a deep rumbling cough which she doesn't seem to be able to deal with.. minutes later as paramedics arrive, her pulse has stopped and I'm wondering if she's maybe aspirated? Anyway she does pass minutes later and quite unexpectedly. For the past 3 weeks, I've wondered over and over again if she was ready to go.... dementia doesn't necessarily mean that the person wants to gone, they do enjoy little things, I know my mother enjoyed every meal and every snack, and stories, even if she couldn't follow all that well... and walks looking at neighbour's garden by wheelchair... however the role of the caregiver is so enormous, that it's also easy to see it from that perspective and maybe assume the quality of life is not what we want it to be from our own perspective... I just don't know but listening to this did reassure me a bit, to let her rest and know it was her time, thank you.
Glad the video helped! Sorry for your loss. Aspiration often happens in later stages.
I'm sorry for your loss. My mother has LBD with Parkinson's as well. I believe she is somewhere around stage 5. She is 73 and has had a diagnosis for about 4 years. My father is caring for her at home. Unfortunately I live about 7 hours away by car and still have a kiddo in school. I have been trying to visit every couple of months to give my dad a break and be a sounding board to help him gauge things from an outside perspective.
It is nice to be able to hear the experiences from others who have the same diagnosis. All the dementias have similar threads, but they each have their unique issues.
Thank you so much for sharing. Your videos have been very informative for me. I share them with my dad so he can have come clarity about dementia. I read a lot about the disease so I won’t be surprised by what my mom is experiencing.
Perfect message, thank you. Think ahead because it's not a possibility, it's an inevitabliity. Get directives done, a will updated, make sure everyone knows what is hoped for. When you don't, your people get to deal with so many more issues that are avoidable. Same for those kids. Not going to stay the same or get better especially if the person is 80s on. P.S., are there some things in your house, old clothes you won't be wearing, that could be sent to Goodwill donations now? A few less boxes those left behind will have to navigate.
Thank you Deb for sharing! You hit the nail on the head with your statement "...grieved every time she lost something..." after she crossed the rainbow. You are RIGHT... I too am grief filled with every task I help her with. At this point in this awful disease, my imaginary bucketS are filled with tears, I don't think I will have enough when it's my mother's turn to cross that rainbow bridge.
You are so right, death is almost a taboo subject now, we've medicalised every stage of life and are no longer in touch with the natural rhythm of living and dying.
My condolences to you and your family. May she rest in peace. I help to take care of my 87 y.o. MIL who has mixed dementia, and has definitely progressed to another stage than she was just 3 months ago. Have been doing this for 5 years and for so long, I was carrying anger and resentment towards her four other able bodied children who have not even had the decency to say “thank you” for taking care of their mother while they enjoy the freedom. I realize that she doesn’t have much time left, so all I can do is do the best that I can do for her until that time comes. Funeral arrangements have already been made and paid for. Thank you for the reminder that those who are not involved with the day to day tasks are going to have a harder time with her death than I will. May you take comfort in knowing that you did a great job for your mom ❤.
I was the sole caretaker, along with my husband, to go through this journey with my mother. She was 94 when she passed. Indeed the grieving happens all along the course of caring for her because of the loss of the little pieces of her that make her my mother and the grandmother of my children. I was sad but felt relief that she was no longer suffering when she passed. I was not at her bedside but wasn't surprised that she went when I wasn't with her. It was just how she was.❤
For many of us, it is a relief when they are gone.
I agree, every time your loved one loses an ability, it's something to grieve.
My father passed in a small aircraft accident when I was 13. I am now 61 taking care of my 89 year old mom who is in stage 5-6. Up until my early fifties I would stress out about how I would live without her. I knew I would be hysterical. Now, I do not feel that way. It will be a blessed relief.
UTIs in older people definitely can present symptoms that are completely different in younger people.
Thank you for the update. My condolences. Your videos are helpful to those of us still on this path.
I am sorry for your loss but I can absolutely relate to your point that you grieved all along the journey.
My 86 yr old daddy has Alzheimer’s and had an ischemic stroke last July so his dementia is escalating quite quickly.
I know what you meant by grieving with your moms losses😢.
Daddy is in stage 5, his confusion lasts all through the day now, he puts his pants on backwards and wears his shirts inside out or on top of his pjs.
He wandered over to the neighbors backyard at 12:30 one night.
Now I lock the gate to his yard so I can get my rest.
So I’m preparing myself and making sure all his finances are in order.
We have discussed everything as to his end of life wishes.
I am his successor to his trust so I will continue on with his rentals etc.
Take care of yourself now❤️
Glad to hear all the arrangements have been done. It makes things easier.
Thank you for sharing these very valid points. My sister and I were the main caregivers for our parents prior to their deaths. We knew what their end of life wishes were and thankfully our siblings understood as well. We didn’t have the burden of guilt regarding withdrawing care and opting for hospice. And frankly, their passing was a relief because we knew it was best. Why prolong the inevitable.
It definitely makes it easier knowing.
I think people have a hard time accepting a parent’s mortality because it means they next have to acknowledge their own mortality.
That's true.
For sure. Also, it truely is a part of your own life that dissapears when they go - mine just left, both, two days a part, after 2 and a half years of assisted living - and while I was somewhat relieved for them, knowing that all those memories of being together are now definitely in the past is still hard. A part of my youth has been burried with them, even though they always will be wherever I will be ❤️
I am so, so sorry about the loss of your mom.... she sounds like a wonderful lady who had an extraordinary daughter! I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your content. My dad has been having dementia for quite a while, but I never knew exactly what was really happening, or about the 7 stages. I thought it was just normal aging, short term memory getting less sharp etc. But then it was more than that, but not so bad as to threaten his independence. Then my dad had a stroke because he refused to take his meds because "what's the point". I saw significant cognitive decline afterward. I fought to have him enter a senior community at a minimum, but my step brother and sister got very nasty with me about it. They said "They're old, sh@t happens". They egged him on, and without a united front there was no hope to convince my very stubborn dad that something was wrong. I was told I wasn't a part of his real family and not welcome. I warned them that he would go off his meds again and have another stroke, but it would be much worse and he could be very debilitated and then we'd be looking at full Assisted LIving. They would not listen, and were very ugly about it, and my dad would get very angry if I brought it up. I am ashamed to say I finally gave up. Six months later, as predicted, he had a second stroke... much worse this time. Same reasons, lied about taking his meds. I am sooooo angry at my step brother & sister.... I hold them partially responsible for enabling him, and putting him at risk by egging him on in his state of denial. Now I realize he was in the early stages of dementia when making these choices. After this second stroke, he was diagnosed with vascular dementia and jumped from I'd say a Stage 3 to a solid Stage 5 due to the brain damage it caused. Step brother/sister still think they can live on their own (Dad's wife has Stage 5 too). My sister in-law and I are the only sane, rational ones. We got Medical and Financial POA and are taking the necessary steps to make sure they get the care they need. Step siblings have done zero to help whatsoever in the "Living Hell" that has been the last month of my life. Nothing to help, but they seem to have the energy and time to throw bricks at me and my sister in-law who are doing all the work. We've been called "evil" "traitors" "stealing their money" etc. because we want to use their assets to pay for their continued care... including for their own mom. We have spent quite a bit of our own money to help cash flow until their house sells, because they have little savings. I think step siblings are ultimately angry that we are spending the inheritance they feel entitled to on taking care of them. I can't figure it out people who think that way. Anyway, your videos have been a Godsend to me.... THANK YOU. There is so little info out there, especially presented in laymans terms and real life experience. It makes me feel so much less alone in this horrible journey! You are right, the doctors truly don't adequately warn you about what to expect in terms of behavior. My dad now cries 20+ times in a hour, broken up by bursts of frustrated swearing when his words come out scrambled or something else minor frustrates him. It is so scary when you don't know WHY these personality changes are happening. Or that rational arguments are useless because they can't think rationally or logically anymore. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story, educating me on the day-to-day reality and everything that none of the medical community seems to want to discuss. I get it... its time consuming... there will be tears.... panic.... and a billion questions.... they are understaffed and overworked. But why not refer us to a book? Or website? Or something to educate ourselves? I hope that changes for the future people who have to deal with this horrific diagnosis.
There always seems to be at least one family member who doesn't help but is more than willing to tell those on the front lines how things need to be done. And the truth is - it's THEIR money that is to be spent on THEM. Yes, we know they would rather leave an inheritance, but it doesn't always work that way unless someone has planned long in advance. Glad the videos help!
Hi Debra, I’m so sorry about your mom. I understand and agree with everything you’ve said but it’s hard when your so close with someone and you have to say goodbye. My mom calls me everyday, so one day the phone won’t be ringing and I won’t hear her voice and if I need advice or help, she won’t be there. That’s what’s so hard for me.
That is the grieving process before they die - the phone calls, shopping, food, etc. You never know when the last time will be.
You are a absolutely right, for me every time I look into my Dads eyes I grieve the losses he must be experiencing and just how confusing things must be for him.
Omg my mom totally did that! Totally refused meds and was actually better. Crazy!
November 2023. I agree with you. I dealt with my Dad’s illness for 8 years. Every time he lost more it was like a knife twisting. He in my opinion had a good death. I was happy he was free.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m on this journey with my mom now so I greatly appreciate your sharing with all of us. Love and prayers to you and your family.
My Mom was 87 also.She lived with me the last 5 years of her life and she never really progressed to real late stages.
She was not a real big burden.We just didn't go anywhere and my brother was in another state.She ended up waking up one morning and said she couldn't breathe. I had heard what I thought was a slight wheeze the night before so I told her we were going to the doctor the next day.
I called the rescue and I was told at the hospital that she had a big pnuemonia.She passed away that night.She never even seemed sick
leading up to it. She was like"I don't what it is but I don't feel like myself." That was it. She was acting and doing the same things she always did.I felt guilty I didn't know.. but she had copd somewhat so it went fast.I think it was better she or I didn't really go through real difficult times before that. I was blessed in that way I guess.My Mom was not the same and lost her memories and names and couldn't read anymore or be funny like she was. She just slipped away slowly.I have been watching so many of your videos because now my husband's mom has it.
She still lives at home with her husband and is about stage 4.They have help in the home right now.Thanks for these very honest videos. I send them to my husband and his sister. They both do a lot for her.I do too so at least we have that.
When I visited at the end of the week she was fine. I didn't know anything was "going around" the facility. When they called a few days later it seemed like everyone was coughing and sniffling - in fact, I caught it. For me it was annoying sinus congestion. With my mom's health history, I expected pneumonia would be her end - with or without dementia.
I know...so sad@@lifeunderdeborahspalm-thed8114
Most people with dementia do die from aspiratory pneumonia unfortunately from food getting into the lungs. Such a horrible disease. My mum is still at home after 5 years. Now it seems she doesn't want to eat or drink. 3 drinks a day and her food intake not enough to keep her strength up.
Sorry for your loss of your mom. Thank you for sharing your very useful videos.
Well I viewed all your videos and they helped me alot. My husband has been diagnosed with Alzhemiers stage 5 now and we are preparing everthing for when he will die, we are putting this on paper now of what he wants for end of life care etc his funeral and were he wishes to be buried and we talked to our children too. You are certainly right that the greiving process is constantly I see this with my husband and I cry everytime he loses and ability that I know he will no regain. Thanks for everything and your helpful videos
Glad they helped, it was my purpose in making them. Nobody in the medical profession told us a thing,
Thanks for your wise truthful words Deborah , Sooo helpful to me going through this with my elderly parents
My condolences to you and your family 😢
We live and die. Death is inevitable. For some reason people think its never supposed to happen even though it’s the one thing we are promised when we come in this world.
We should just cherish every moment and live our lives as best as possible.
Society has a hard time with death.
Many have a hard time dealing with reality, especially in regards to dementia. Everything is easier to plan and prepare for once the inevitable is faced. At 58, my wife has basically been gone for 8 years. She is no longer the person she was. Jobs, friends, family-all gone. I’m not sure she knows her own name. Unfortunately, she is still very healthy. I understand your lack of grief ( and possibly relief). She has been dead to most of her siblings for years. I told my poor son a few months ago that his mom is gone. Poor kid-she missed his high school and college years already. A spouse is a bit different than an elderly parent, but it is still a loss. Thanks for your videos. My condolences.
A spouse is different for sure - and way too young. I find it sad that no one visits - although they may not know the visitor, the visitor knows them. And when your loved one is home, the caregiver could definitely use a break. I think one of the hardest parts of the disease is that it lasts so stinking long.
@@lifeunderdeborahspalm-thed8114 Yes, my wife is home 24/7 and any visitors would break up the monotony for myself and the aid. Take care.
@@stephencarroll230 I don't think people understand that even though the person with disease may not know who a visitor is - the family sure does!
Thank you for this video, my dad (84) has advanced Alzheimer’s and can’t do anything for himself. My siblings and I take care of him in the home and we feel the same way. We’ve accepted he’s nearing the end and just want him to go peacefully. So I totally understand what you’re saying and feel I’ll feel like you when the time comes. My condolences and again thank you.
Thank you.
Deborah, I am so sorry for your lose. I hope to have your same positive attitude as we get closer to the reality of my husband passing.
I have no doubt that a spouse is a bit more difficult. Best to you!
Thank you so much for sharing you and your Mom’s journey. I have watched several of your videos on dementia and found them helpful, informative and real. I particularly appreciate your perspective as a daughter and not a clinician. I watch some clinician’s videos and they have their place in informing us, but because I am experiencing the road you have travelled, I really appreciate you! My father will be 96 in a couple of weeks and I would say he is at a stage 5. My Mom will be 89 this year and trying to look after him in their own home because he wants to die at home, to which I’ve said to my Mom “Yes, but at what cost?” My husband and I moved back to oversee their needs and we do a lot for them. My only sibling is in the USA and hasn’t come to see them since 2019 and says she has accepted the fact she will never see them again!?? So there you have it….3 years we’ve helped my parents and boy can they dig their heels in! I can see I will have to start convincing my Mom that things can’t continue this way. It’s hard to parent your parents, especially when 1 is still capable of making decisions, albeit not necessarily the ones I would make! My Mom only gets a housekeeper every 2 weeks and she runs the rest of the inside of the house, including showering my Dad. So far, further professional help has been refused!
That's a lot on anyone but at 89 that's really a lot!
I worked in age care for 16 years, my mother developed a bad chest infection (and very demented).As she lay in a coma, I told her it was ok to go. She passed that night and it was such a relief.
It is.
Thank you for sharing all this.
I’ve watched all of your videos. You’ve been an amazing support as I am on this journey with my 85 year old mom with Alzheimer’s. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I feel like I’ve been grieving the loss of mom for the 5+ years I’ve been taking care of her and the harshness of this disease. Every day she says she just wants to go be with dad. You’re right it is hard watching them live this horrible disease
And they get tired and have had enough.
@@lifeunderdeborahspalm-thed8114 yes😢
Yes! You have helped me tremendously!!! So many things. Yes it is like chipping away at a masterpiece. She was a brilliant business woman with her own businesses and an inspiration to many students with learning disabilities like myself. She was selfless. Never late for picking me up from school. Several things. She is 75, I am 52. I won't let her linger if there would be less of a life keeping her around. I believe she wouldn't want it. She is missing her late husband and her parents recently. I can't say it enough, you are a blessing!!!!
Thank you, glad the info helps.
Thank you for this video. I worked in healthcare for 30 years. One of the hardest thing I had to witness was families that refused to let their loved ones go. I can't count the number of times, I saw family members fight between themselves over when to call it quits.
It is important to appoint someone as the family representative and to have the legal paperwork in place: Power of Attorney, Advanced Directives, etc. in place before you actually need them.
I watched something online about death (cancer, etc.) One patient had advanced dementia, was 87 years old, and was admitted due to aspirated pneumonia. Two of the three daughters were in health care (doctor and nurse). The docs explained that they could treat the pneumonia but because of the advanced dementia, it would return and probably quickly. The doctor was gently telling them to let her go but also gave the option of a trachea tube. They took the tube. At the end of the documentary, they showed the mom one year later. She had spent the entire time sedated and on a breathing machine in the hospital.
I am so happy to hear you say this. This is how I feel. My mom was my best friend. We did everything together. I am grieving the loss of my friend who is still alive. My mother would be horrified if she knew the things she did. We put her in memory care last week. Every video you have done is so true. I have already grieved my mom. When she passes it will be a blessing for me, my brothers and her. I would like to stop ALL her medication. Why are they trying to keep her going! I wish they would let God do what needs to be done. We took care of my grandmother and experienced the same thing, that's why my mom would not move in with any of her kids. Thank you Deborah for your encouragement. Every word you say on your videos is true. We know our loved ones and their wishes.Bless you your mom is where she can be whole again~
Are they not allowing you to stop her meds? I know when my father-in-law was in a nursing home, they told us we could do that if we wished. My mom didn't want to take them, so we decided to stop fighting except for Tylenol.
My mum is entering the end of life stage of vascular dementia and I, like you, am ready for her to let go. Her life is miserable and she is in a living hell. It needs to end…. for her…..and for us as it is so distressing seeing her unhappy and crying to just go home. Her only words are, please take my home. It’s a cruel long protracted death and I desperately want her emotional pain to stop. So when she does let go, I will feel the relief for her and accept that this needed to happen. So much of her has already died…been eaten up by this horrible disease. ( She is approaching 94)
It's so true and hard for others to understand unless you've been there.
Thank you for sharing your story. I totally understand your thoughts and feelings about how we grieve when a new part of them is lost. Most of the time I am happy and feel privileged to care for my dad (87 with Stage 6 Alzheimer's). Thank God he is still very sweet and he tells me, "I love you like a daughter" And, I laugh and hug him and say "I AM your daughter!" Your video about Stages 6&7 was also very helpful to me. Thank you.
So sorry for your loss. Going through this with my Mum at the moment and little by little she is disappearing but we are trying our best to enjoy her lucid times.
That's all you can do!
This has helped me. I was diagnosed with early onset dementia 4 weeks ago. This has helped with my anxiety.❤
So sorry to hear. Glad it helped.
I’m dealing with my 94 year old dad in memory care. He and I have had several discussions over the years about his wishes, so I know exactly what to do - or not do - when we get to that point. He is now living in the way that he absolutely did not want to live - it’s heartbreaking to witness. It’s absolutely true that some things are worse than death…
Thank you for posting your thoughts on this. You are a good daughter.
Knowing what they want really does make it easier.
Deborah, thank you for your honest, clear thinking, comments about that time that will come to our family member. Yes, those of us close to our parents,or husbands/ wives who have been suffering through their dementia, and have when they were in the early stages made know their wishes for their end of life. It is up to us to see them through the wishes they wanted done. I and my siblings went through this with my mom, we were sad to see that time come, but yet relieved that she was free of her earthly bonds of suffering. And yes every time we visited her in the care facility,and she didn’t know us anymore was heartbreaking, we missed her then, we missed her as she got worse and worse. We still miss her everyday,
Dementia is a cruel thief. But she is still living in our memories.
Thank you for your clear eyed conversation, my condolences on your moms passing away.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for all the updates and your mom is now in a much better place, prayers go out to you and your entire family. ❤
Thank you, and I agree!
Thank you for your honesty. My dad passed away on 2nd July 2022. He had vascular dementia for a few years. My mum took great comfort from watching your videos & it helped her deal with my dad’s illness. You have lots of good advice & it certainly is true about the grieving process as my mum has already grieved for the person my dad used to be. His death was a welcome respite for him and I’m so glad that he is not suffering anymore. Condolences for your loss
My mom died the same day. So glad it helped your mother.
Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Your videos have always hit home with me and those who haven’t been on this journey will never understand what it’s like for the caregiver and how we feel. I’m thankful for your support and guidance! 🥰
Thank you so much
So sorry for your loss, however l think your attitude is amazing, letting go was the kindest thing you could have done. 🙏🤗
Thank you for guidance I'm a caregiver with dementia clients more family members need your views have a blessed day. -jelizabeth from Texas
My mum went into hospital level care today. After being married to my daddy for 70 years. She would be in about stage 6-7 vascular dementia and my dear dad looked after her right up until today. He physically couldn’t do it anymore. It’s so sad - losing my dear mum piece by piece. 😢
It's sad and no doubt difficult on your dad who can longer care for her.
Hey Deb.👋 Having Lost Both Parent's as well as Step-Parent's, I KNOW Exactly Where You Are Coming From and Totally AGREE. It's So Much Easier to LET THEM GO, then to Watch Them Suffer. EVERY Family Should Talk About and Plan For WHEN. No One Really Know's When "The Day" Will Come, but It Is a Given. Bless You. 💜
You're very inspirational. Thanks again for sharing your story. I completely agree with your views. Take care and all the best.
Thank you! It is a relief to see their suffering end.
Thank you for sharing your journey with your mom. I started to share this video with another family member but realized they won't receive the message yet. My MIL is in stage 5 and 91. My husband and I are cherishing every good moment we have left with her, but we also know that when she dies, she is ready, and death will be a relief from the illness and suffering. I pray we can help her other two children through this process, but they are not believers. So it is very hard for them.
Celebrating mom and dad when they passed after long Dementia declines was how my siblings and I handled it. We were thrilled that their suffering was over. Sounded morbid to some but we all were happy for their release.
We know the feeling.
I know what you mean. I found myself grieving my friend who had frontal lobe epilepsy & died of it. He lost a bit of himself each time he had a seizure. He was in so many ways himself & in so many ways not. There were a lot of odd conversations. We had supported each other so much & then I could not ask him for support any more. He did not understand what was happening for me. He seemed to have forgotten a lot of our long, close, friendship. I was grieving for him for 2 or 3 years before he died at the same time as trying to be a supportive friend.
Sorry to hear.
Watching this a year after you posted - your views and comments resonated strongly with me. My mother has dementia and is I think in stage 6. All your experiences with your mother I can recognise. My attitude is like yours, I am an adult aged 65 and my mother is 96. Her wishes are clear as we have spoken about this many times and now it’s in writing everyone can see. When she goes, we are ready for it and wishing her a peaceful decline and easy death. She has had two doses of covid and survived both! My grieving for mum began some months ago, so when she finally goes we will see it as a relief for her and us. It’s a hard process to go through for them and their loved ones. Peace to all.
Well said.
My Mother died at 92 from dementia. It was so painful to watch her daily life. I can relate to all your caregiving struggles. She is at peace now. Do I miss her? Yes, I miss the Mom she WAS 😥
Exactly.
I am so grateful for the way you explain these things. It breaks my heart every time I see my father - a shadow of himself. You seem to be hanging in there with the loss of your mom. It’s a difficult thing, but was made better by you knowing her wishes and her faith. I am sorry for your loss.
Thanks!
Thank you!!! This was a blessing to go through these conversations with you….🥰
Thank you for sharing this. My Auntbis home bound hospice Lewy body end stages and this series helps me know what to expect
Very grateful I found you. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience and strength.
You are so welcome
From another Deborah, with a big brother called Richard. Thank you. You’ve been so helpful. Greetings from NZ.