Tom you have had a tough time but you have really looked after your wife my heart goes out to both of you.We had a similar thing with mum but after a couple of years we got her to doctors for diaagnosis we had to disable her car as she was dangerous driving. We had to protect my dad so we tried to be around . Now we just try to enjoy good times and walk my mum a lot which calms her i would reccomend getting help such as a cleaning lady and she stays with mum as she now cannot be left best wishes
God will give you the graces to love her to the highest degree possible in the present moment because your covenant in your marriage involves Jesus. My mom is on her last stage of dementia. It was very difficult years for my siblings similar to your experience. At the moment of insanity, violence,verbal accusations when her brain puts a different reality I make sure I'm grounded first before I can make her safe. Don't ever have self pity. You have authority to help her. Don't feel helpless. One day at a time. You are a blessed man, full of honesty and it's a great start to deal with the disease.
🙌🙏🙌ers to y'all's family. My Dad will be 91 yrs old 10-2. He's been losing his memory for yrs, I thought it was aging but now no it's more. He hasn't been diagnosed yet, I'm taking him to the Dr. Next month. He has high blood pressure and hasn't seen his wife in over a month so that causes alot of problems by itself. I'm hoping for the best but his Dad had Alzheimer's before he past so he probably will diagnosed with dementia. God Bless You.
It is heartbreaking. My Mom was the sweetest person you can imagine. She was a perfect wife, mother and grandmother. She lived for her husband and children. She never cursed..never! One day my Dad called me and told me Mom has cursed him out. Accused him of adultery and more. My Dad which did not know what to do..how to act.. just laughed but that made my Mom really mad. Then she stopped talking to him, isolated herself, sitting in a chair and just staring in the air. She was always very clean and nicely dressed but started to take her clothes off in the evening and putting the same clothes on the next day. My Dad was getting so sad and desperate about this. He put fresh clothes next her bed and put the used clothes right away in the washer to prevent her from wearing them again the next day. After like 6 month she stopped talking at all and she just sat in her favored chair on the window and smiled to everybody. She stopped cursing and eating and drinking. My Dad and my brother fed her, bathed her, dressed her etc. She had to wear diapers and all doors had to be locked that she would not wander off. Sadly my Dad died on a heartattack and my brother moved in the house and took care of my mom. My Mom forgot to walk, later how to sit and after 7 years bedridden died peaceful at home, age 89. All of us siblings pray to the lord that we rather die 10 years younger than going through what our Mom went through. It is heartbreaking and so hurting to see a person which was full of live, love and passion to suffer the loss of itself. You are a wonderful person Tom and we know what you go through because we walked the same road.
My mom has Alzheimers and, before my dad died, my mom relentlessly accused my dad of cheating on her. My poor dad was in terrible physical health and on oxygen 24/7. There was no way he was cheating on her. But she was completely paranoid, finding things in the house that belonged to me, for example, and saying they belonged to another woman. She would also have episodes of rage against me and other family members, making wild accusations. It built up over time and then, as her memory deteriorated, we realized there was something really wrong. Her doctor tested her for dementia but recommended she have a brain scan to confirm Alzheimers. I had to trick her into getting one, as she refused to recognize there was anything wrong. Elements of our story definitely resonate with me. Your calm nature is inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story and for your advice.
Omg!!!! I am going through this exactly with my mom accusing my dad. I even had to install a Ring camera to show her there are no women coming to the house to see my dad. She just says “your camera is a cheap camera and doesn’t work” thank you for sharing your story.
I'm a caregiver for 8-9 yrs now and work with patients with dementia and let me tell you it is the hardest ugly disease ever, literally this story breaks my heart. This gentleman is amazing may god bless him. I have been from Family living provider and working with dementia when I went to work and to come home to my son which was very challenging on a daily basis. I had to move my son to supported living now. And he's happy as I am too. My stress level has declined tremendously. My heart and prayers goes to Tom. He's a strong man.♥
My husband was diagnosed in August, 2022. We just spent 48 hours in terror that started with him assaulting our 20 year old daughter. Called 911 2 times in that 48 hour period and had the county crisis center counselors out 2 times. Nothing was done. We have a 12 year old son. Right in the middle of all this chaos. I have watched so many videos on how to communicate, talked to Alzheimer’s Organization on the phone many times, talked with Adult Protective Services,….I could go on and on. My daughter, son, and I are in this battle alone. Walking on eggshells all day every day. And he is right about walking away being a trigger itself…it seems there’s no answers or techniques that work every time. You have to constantly stumble on the fly for what will work. I worked for 7 years, since 2016 to get him diagnosed.
Caring for a person with dementia is such an isolating experience. My mum had Alzheimers and in the end when she could no longer be safely cared for at home,she was finally admitted to a secure locked facility. The carers of people with dementia are exhausted beyond belief and it is awful when there is little or no family help available or opportunity for them to be cared for. The carers themselves need regular respite,general time out and someone to offer ongoing support. This man’s experience is heartbreakingly raw and real. Thank you for sharing your experience
If at all possible, build a network of people who are willing to learn about this disease, who will listen, who will be supportive. If we caregivers don’t have our network it’s nearly impossible to not be scared ourselves.
Your expressions of love, confusion,sadness, frustration, and heartache touched my understanding heart. I have just started on a dementia journey with my husband. I hope that I can deal with it with it the way you have, with dignity and grace. Lean on your bible and the promises there of a brighter side to life than what we see. This is temporary.
Thank you Mary. I have lived with all these emotions and more for 5 years. These emotions are not small but like giant tidal waves that come crashing down on me. I work hard to manage my emotions, keep them in check. If I don’t I’m afraid they will consume me, literally.
Mary Ann, THAT is my approach in Germany too, just learning about my husband of 25 years too. We still have "good days" but I have to learn such a lot about triggers and how this degenerative process alters the person. JESUS CHRIST is the ONLY "go to" address in this case for both of us. Blessings your way, hang in there! 🙏👰💖
I just lost my mother to Vascular Dementia/severe stroke. My dad went through the same accusations, delusions etc., and he did not want to get educated on dementia, he didn’t want help, he was in denial and that led to her death. Don’t wish this on anyone! It is the hardest thing anyone can go through in life. I learn so much through the Careblazer videos!
I too have learned so much from the Careblazer group. Educating ourselves is the key to our survival, ignorance fans the flames and tears families apart.
Tom, survivor guilt doesn’t only apply to survivors of a death. It can also apply to people in your situation. I salute you for taking grip of your wife’s dementia and setting healthy boundaries for yourself. Letting go of one’s life mate is a horrendously painful process, exacerbated by this disease, and you’re coping very well. I wish you strength, and thank you for sharing your story!
I am so sorry for what you are going through, Tom. I am going through this with my 88-yr old mother, and am struggling to get anyone to assess her. She had a stroke two years ago, and when you mentioned that your wife still drives, goes to the grocery store, and “seems fine” to other people outside the home, I had a very real moment of empathetic relief: Mother’s primary care provider thought she seemed “fine,” her church friends think she’s fine, even some extended family members think so, too. I find myself the target of their suspicion and animosity, along with dealing with her.
My mom is 87, and I am there, too. I have spoken to her accountant, broker, and lawyer, all of whom have been advising her for years, and they see issues with her judgment, with confusion. Just mentioning an assessment puts me at risk of accusations of trying to get her money. Every time she gets in her car I dread an accident that hurts someone else. It's such an ugly, exhausting situation.
My mother was almost exactly like your wife. My dad couldn’t handle her, none of us kids could either. She lived in a nursing home the last 5 years of her life. It was so devastating, but was the only thing we could do. She became dangerous. She was such a good wife to my father, was a wonderful cook and homemaker, and a wonderful mother. She passed in 2019 at the nursing home. Hospice came in the last 5 days. I miss her so much.
Wow I'm going through it w my mom as a psych and recently diagnosed dementia patient. I understand much of what he is saying and I cried watching this... thank you for being kind to share with us. You are so brave and an encouragement.
Many of us feel as though we are the only one, or our burden seems to be much more than others. When we imagine that we might be alone or our troubles are more than others we tend to be embarrassed like thinking what the world might think of me, my LO, my situation. I told my story because it is a tragedy, it is heart breaking, but this is what dementia can be and all to often is. Kind regards
Thank you so much for the video about Dementia. I followed the link to view Tom’s video, but it is listed as Private. Can I get the name of the TH-cam video?
I have come to see changes in my sister that I never dreamed that would occur. I have been told by relatives that she can’t take care of herself, but I didn’t realize the depth of the problem till this summer. I can empathize with Tom with the confusion at the beginning of the disease…stay strong Tom!❤️
This is a very powerful revelation. You are a strong man. My late husband who was the best ever completely changed, too. He had Parkinson's and hallucinations and severe depression over knowing what was coming. He tried to choke me, came after me with a baseball bat, and turned the gas on so we could die together. He caught pneumonia, ended up with a breathing tube and food tube. Bedridden in ICU. He asked to have a morphine drip and tubes disconnected. He was with a priest and said he saw God b4 going to sleep and heaven. His whole extended family has turned on me for "letting him" do that. He had signed a DNR 2007. Died 2010. The toll it took on me and our immediate family I still not have recovered from.
I don't know what comfort and encouragement I can give except to say that know that you are not alone. There are thousands of us out here going similar experiences and we are all with you and pulling for you.
@@tomlinn7227 Dear Tom I just learned similar about my husband of 25 years and he's still cooperating seeing a doctor (luckily) but it's hard nevertheless of course. What I can recommend as a Christian is letting JESUS CHRIST handle this case. He's in control of EVERY single cell of our bodies as He's the creator of all so of course He will control your wife too but YOU have got to BELIEVE it. 🙏 Idk how you went on after 1 year now I've only watched your conversation here now from Germany but that's how I deal with it TODAY. Jesus is coming back soon and we're going to receive our glorified bodies anyway by then. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18; 1 Corinthians 15:52 Time to end bible study and start to BELIEVE it... Much love and blessings your way! 🙏👰💖
@@Corinna_Schuett_GER Hi Corinna, thank you for your very kind and wise words. I too am a believer, and as hard as life has been I know this is my time to wait patiently on God, I’m to trust He will watch over me, and I’m to hold on to my faith. Kindest regards Corinna
Thanks Tom for telling your story! My mom switched one day and thinks her husband is cheating she has all this proof but none of it logical and the fact that he loves her and treats her well doesn't seem to matter at all! I have come to the point where I have to ignore her and walk away when that topic comes up. I'm trying to get her to the doctor! I wish I could just call her doctor and tell them what she's going through and how she's been acting!
Tom, you are so brave to do this. She is lucky to have you. God bless you for saying you won’t divorce her - that speaks so loudly of your true love. I will pray for you. And I hope it gets better at some point.
Oh, Tom...God bless you. What a loving husband you are! We are not alone in this. Our experience is not unique. We need the support of other people going through this, and our experience enables us to support others. I am learning to be less reactive and emotional,and that will serve me throughout the rest of my life. Thank you for sharing your story.
Im going through something similar with my roommate. My heart goes out to this man, this situation is so stressful and difficult. He developed a terminal illness and has a form of dementia. There's nowhere I can send him for care, theres no one that will come help at home, his mother wont even come over to help. Im not even a spouse or relative and I am now caring for a very angry abusive person with dementia and there is simply nothing I can do about it. I also feel completely overwhelmed and have nowhere to go for real help. I don't understand how I manage to keep facing every day. Like this man said, how do I cope with this? Im also experiencing this issue with him being kind to others and other people not seeing how far out of his mind he truly is. No one listens to me. He'll go to lunch with a friend and they think he's fine, he tells people I'm a terrible mean person but Im definitely not mean to him. Ive taken on the financial, emotional, psychological burden and I am completely alone in this.
For heaven’s sake, get money together, pack your bags and get out!!! Call his mother from a pay phone and tell her the guy is all hers, then disappear!!
Tom I pray God’s strength for you on the rest of your dementia journey caring for your wife in sickness and in health til death do you part. I’m glad you are on the other side personally and starting to live your life.
Tom, thank you for sharing your heart wrenching story. Each of us has different experiences with our loved ones but as I do, it is evident that you love your spouse. You are a very strong person.
Thank you Tom for sharing your dementia journey which is very, very sad. I grieve with you and pray that you'll go on finding the answers that help you through. Likewise, I have spent the last 15 years trying to understand and then learn more about all of this As you say .Dr. Natalie's recordings are invaluable, as well as the others such as the Alzheimer's Support group and counsellors. Self-care is certainly a must but I know I have also suffered health challenges. Fortunately, my family is supportive which makes my journey a little easier.
💯 in agreeance with you. I am going through it with my beautiful mother. Every day is a struggle. Prayers for us all going through this tragic struggle
Mahalo nui loa Tom for your honest storytelling. Your true love example is of the highest degree💖 because you honor your vow to your wife. Me ke Aloha pu🌺 from Hawaiian Islands. Grateful for learning opportunities as I begin this journey with my aunt.
Tom: Thank you for sharing. I have been living through a parallel universe to yours since shortly after 9/11/2001. A firm diagnosis was made by a neurologist in 2006. After several years the anger and accusing has faded away along with her memory, mind and bodily functions. At this point she has lost more than half her normal weight, is bed ridden and seems to rest most of the time (but it might be simply carrying on private conversations with her mother and others I can't identify). But as hard as it has been to live with, I still have her at home. I am fortunate enough to have one daughter living with us so we share her care. I, like you, will only let her go (physically) when the Lord takes her.
The non-stop anger drains a person’s soul of life to the point that nothing seems to matter but to survive to another day. I always thought I was stronger than I’m finding out I am. Mental illness and dementia is stronger than I am, or more persistent.
Your video was amazing. My family is just now starting to figure out what has happened to our mother. We have just shook our heads at her behaviors. I feel very blessed to have listened to you and I too try to read everything I can get my hands on. It's a journey that will be our most difficult. Thankyou so much and you are amazing.
Such a powerful account of how this man has tried to cope with his nearest and dearest suffering from dementia. I hope Tom now finds some peace and is able to move forward to resume his own life.
I truly appreciate listening to your experience dealing with your wife with dementia. Be strong Tom. God is with you. You are not alone. I hope light will shine brightly at the end of the tunnel. God bless.
My Brother recently passed from Alzheimer’s. He had some paranoia, nowhere the issues your wife has had. You have dealt with this situation like a master! You deserve the highest accolades! I am sorry you have had very little family support, which is tragic. Please take care of yourself!
This is heartbreaking, and I feel like the similarity to what I have dealt with caring for my daughter with bipolar disorder and autism. People actually asked “how I could put her in a residential school and leave her alone”. They all believe that I could have done more, but she got bigger and taller and I had already sacrificed my back restraining her, been given blunt trauma from being shoved against furniture, been punched in the head, attacked while driving the car. Nobody knows what we go through. I’m a single mom, she needed more than I could do or give her. I am still fighting the PTSD, the panic attacks. Now my mom has begun doing horrible things, ripping up family pictures calling to blow up at me an calling me a piece of shit for not taking her in. Last week I tried to visit and brought lots of things she loves and things she needed to the assisted living. In five minutes she was shoving me out with a chair and kicking all the things I brought her hit my body with the door slamming it behind me. She is fine with other people except myself and my siblings. She doesn’t remember when each of us tried taking her in. I am still fighting the PTSD, and this new chapter in our family is just making it worse. She hasn’t hurt anyone yet, but I feel those vibes coming up, and it won’t be long. I already had to retire from back injuries and mental duress, I am only going so far with her because I deserve to heal as well. I will make sure what she needs she has, but if she refuses again and again to attend doctor appts, I can’t make her go. I have given away decades of my life between my daughter and my mom, I will visit both when they are stable enough, I will do what I can but no more sacrificing everything.
I do know what you have gone through and are going through. It is so hard to be experiencing so many emotions all at the same time. Fear, anger, resentment, love,, wanting to retaliate. I spend most of my time and energy managing my emotions, I have to to keep calm and stay in reality. Hang in there.
You are making the right decisions. There is no logic to their behavior, only much pain. You cannot live with that on a regular basis. No one can. People who haven't experienced what you're going through will not understand and will try to make you feel guilty for your choices. Don't let them, because they have not experienced this. I hope you will find people and organizations that will support your choices and will give you the emotional help you need when you need it.
Some people always have to point you out doing things ‘wrong’ according to them. I’m certain if you didn’t place your daughter in care, and things went worse, the same people would say ‘Why didn’t you get help before it was too late?’
@@tillatidtryte You are so right. Family members who suddenly are marriage experts, who butt into my marriage, who mouth off on a subject matter they have zero knowledge of nor experience with, but yet go so way beyond boundaries and get involved in my marriage, my LO's health, advise me on what and how I should be doing things. To me these people are nothing other than prostitutes. They destroy marriages, they have no respect for boundaries, they see they lack any common sense, they have no empathy for what this disease has done to the individual and to the caregiver. When reality comes to roost upon them they are no where to be found. Nasty nasty people.
So difficult Tom. You are such a loving husband. It's very heartbreaking that you have to go through this in the time when you 2 should be enjoying you retirement years. Stay strong Tom. I am sending you patience and healing energy for your soul.
It is hard for me to hear him say he will never leave her or divorce her because my friends Father killed his wife. Yes, he was not in his right mind. But it didn't have to happen and my friend could not get over losing her Mother in such a manner. Do we have to be martyrs? Do we have to suffer abuse and be killed? Why does the sick person have all the power? Simply because there is no help?
No one should be a martyr! If anyone tries to guilt you for refusing to be a martyr then you should suggest letting a dementia patient live with THEM, even part time, then the excuses will start to come out
So much dementia care says “don’t argue, be happy, misdirect and change the subject”…that’s nice when you are physically having to restrain them from taking the car, or using chemicals in the house, or damaging things, or any of the other endless ridiculous things we have to deal with as caregivers. Letting mentally ill dangerous people be “in charge” is the absolute worst possible thing to do for both the patient, caregiver AND the public.
my dad gives my mom complete control in an effort to keep her calm which of course makes things more horrific and out of control. I hope Tom is ok. This reminds me so much of my parents situation and it’s been living a nightmare in a silo.
It is now 2024. I'm just seeing the podcast with Tom on Dementia Cargivers. Can anyone tell me what happened with he and his wife? Did she ever get the medical help she needed? Did she go home? How is Tom now?
Thank you for your comment. I would say educate yourself, watch Careblazers videos often, go to other resources, get yourself a network of supporters who too are willing to educate themselves. We need support, this disease is bigger than an individual. Kind regards.
@@tomlinn7227 Thank you, Tom. I have watched a lot of care blazers stories. Each one is individual to each person. My mother in law partner is caring for her at the moment. They are both in their early 80s. She won't get any help she refuses. She says she is fine. Take care. I hope everything works out as you want it too with your wife.
My wife has Alzheimer’s, six and a half years in since diagnoses. Just over the last six or seven months it turned hard. Now she has progressed more where she is very hard to keep from going into a rage at the slightest infraction. She cries and blames me and accuses me of everything. The only tool I have is her meds. They don’t always work so her doctor prescribes more of them. I pray that God will help me through this. Believe me sir I understand. May God bless and help you.
Thanks for sharing your very emotional life's experiences. I can fully identify with all the episodes you have experienced. Strange,to here you've kept a record of your unpleasant experiences with physical and mental abuse by our loved one, who can't help for her situation. On reflection, as an octogenarian, still married at fifty three years, my wife's mental deteriorating state started forty years ago. Now I'm receiving support from our local Dementia Society. I admired the dedication you to detailed record keeping ,sincere dedication to her, through all the different stages you've experienced. Sending warm greetings with blessings.
My heart goes out to you tom. Many prayers and thank you for showing us a glimpse of what you have endured like a great soldier. Teepa Snow also has great teaching.
Tom, I just want to say that you are not alone. I've been caregiver to my husband who has FTD/Alz diagnosed in 2017 but signs were apparent going back to 2009. Now my sister who I was always very close with has become very verbally abusive with me, non stop. I live a distance from her and her family and they are all angry with me because I'm so certain that her sudden aggressiveness is a sign of dementia. She needs to be evaluated but instead her family is in denial and being defensive. So now I'm dealing with my husband and his dementia and all the challenges of that with no support from family and am estranged from them at a time when I need them most. It's so wrong and so unfair but like you said, it is what it is. My heart goes out to you and I truly relate to your pain in this journey. Thank you so very much for sharing.
Aloha Tom. I understand your emotions of this phase. As i listened to your story i recalled my experiences with mom's delusional accusations ... so so hurtful since she raised me like a princess where i was her angel. This is a phase that will pass... as my mom is very child like stage now. You are such a good man to stand by your wife through this difficult disease. I recenlty read a story where man filed for divorce due to wife's dementia. You are a real man owning up to your vow both of you took. Tom, you are doing fantastic job of caring for your wife. You are not alone.... many of us know exactly what you go through. Hang in there🌼💮🌻🌈
Tom Thank you for sharing your story. This is the first I have heard about this. I have a similar story with my mother, I relate so much to your story. Thank you
Tom I am so sorry this illness has taken your wife. Please be careful for your own safety. Please make sure you do things for yourself, taking care of you. I am concerned that you are thinking of allowing her to decide if she comes home or not. You have said that she is illogical, violent and delusional. This is very hard.. Thank you for sharing your story.
I am so sorry it did not turn out as you wanted. This is a terrible disease. Know that you worked on it & with her for 4 years. You cannot control the outcome. You truly did your best. That is all anyone can do.
@@patrickflohe7427 She exhibited many of the behaviors of bvFTD. For 42 years she was as nice, kind, considerate and affectionate as could be. Over time she became suspicious, paranoid, extremely angry, violent, the language! She spent money as though we were wealthy. She refused to go to the doctor, family wouldn’t help me they would not even encourage her to seek a medical evaluation for the dramatic changes to her personality. The violence got so severe she had to leave the house. 7 weeks after the interview I learned I needed open heart surgery. With all the violence I wasn’t paying attention to the signs my body was giving, I thought it was simply stress. I was wrong. She divorced me soon after. It’s been a long journey but I’m only now beginning to think and act without emotions controlling my thoughts and interactions with others. I've learned to control my emotions rather than my emotions controlling me. I’m reasonably happy these days. Kind regards to you. If you ever have a question I’d be happy to listen and give an answer based on my experiences. Tom
Hang in there Tom you don't deserve to be treated that way I'm sure you're a lovely partner and do all you can to ensure your wife is safe and cared for!
Thanks Tom for sharing your journey. My heart goes out to you in losing the relationship with your wife that you once knew. I have been a full time caregiver for both my parents for the last 7 years. . My 89 year old father has dementia. He is obsessive about things, accusatory and I would say paranoid. I tell you this so you know you are not in this struggle alone. It’s constant change with this disease. I have learned to live in the moment.
People afflicted with dementia often take on characteristics of other mental illnesses like paranoia, hallucinations, thinking and saying the most outlandish things. After being in this world for some time we get worn out spiritually. For me that is scary, I do not want to be worn out just existing, I want to have some joy in my life. Thank you for your nice comment.
I feel so badly for Tom. My wife is going through the middle stages of dementia, and some of these behaviors are beginning to surface. This has been the most challenging thing I have ever dealt with. I hope God gives me patience, and Wisdom. I hope Tom finds peace. God bless you Tom.
You are not alone. My husband has VaDem.....along with multiple other chronic illnesses. We finally got husband to agree to A.L. last April, he walked out of facility mid August came back to house, nothing I can do right now until he is hospitalized again. He has screaming outbursts daily, I have been called every name in the book.
Tom, I felt your heart speaking. My husband also has frontal Temple dementia. That insecurity that you felt was me for such a long time in the last year and a half I feel stronger knowing so much more about this horrible disease. My heart goes out to you and your wife.
@@tomlinn7227 You spoke about the problem behaviors and abandonment of logic and honor, but not what happened with your ex's memory. Were they also losing their memory? You know, these stories (except for the memory and loss of function aspects) are remarkably similar to domestic violence cases, which many others have suffered, with the same bafflement and confusion as they witnessed rational reasoning be thrown to the curb by the neurologically dysregulated batterer.
@@cacatr4495 Many people afflicted with any number of dementia types take on characteristics of other serious mental health issues. This causes many to be miss-diagnosed resulting in wrong treatments. Also there are many who refused to seek medical help (anosognosia). You are correct in saying these behaviors can be and often are similar behaviors in domestic violence cases but the underling cause may very well be a form of dementia. Left undiagnosed and untreated the life of this poor soul and anyone in the house of close to the person suffers life long trauma. Regarding memory, my LO's recollection of historical events were distorted and just plain nonsense. These people are good at hiding their issues, but only for a while. So for them to talk from memory is just not going to happen. But to evidence and behavior changes lead us to know their memory is just not their. Do they remember how to get to and from places they use to frequent? Like going to church, getting lost in busy malls, not mentioning an anniversary. All evidence that memory is being lost.
@@cacatr4495Hi, hope you don't mind me commenting. If his wife has FTD (Frontal Temporal Lobe Dementia) which is what my dad had, the extreme personality changes tend to present first before memory issues because of the nature of FTD affecting the frontal lobe which controls reasoning and judgement. Memory issues and speech problems come later in the illness and his wife may have not reached that stage yet. FTD also takes a long time to diagnose because it presents differently from say Alzheimer's and tends to be misdiagnosed more often.
@@lilyamongbrambles4458 So does that mean that those that become batterers, that throw reason and sanity aside, that become emotionally unhinged, may have a probability of later losing their memory and perhaps being diagnosed with FTD? I knew someone like that, only at the time, amidst their problem behaviors, they also had no memory either immediately or afterward of some of their behaviors, not all, just some, and otherwise, memory never seemed to be a problem. I wonder now as they're aging if their memory loss will increase. They had always been neurologically dysregulated, manifesting both emotionally and behaviorally, as they recounted their childhood behavior, stories from their own mouth. Then in their teenage years, he had a severe accident on his dirt bike that resulted in many injuries, one to his frontal lobe. I knew him in his thirties and forties, and he was off the map, behaviorally. Now sixty, I can't help but wonder.
Tom my heart aches for you and thank you for sharing your journey. I am going through similar things... accusations, no diagnosis. Please continue learning about God (Bible study) . It is comforting to know that the present human condition is not what God purposed and will soon change.
What a profound presentation. I needed to hear a lot of Tom's journey. My mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer with aggression and disruptive behavior. Like Tom, it's like a light switch was turned off. It is what it is, truly heart breaking. All careblazers stay strong and take care of yourself 🙏🙏🙏💚
Before all this happened I never could have imagined a disease as hedious as this is. If ever there is a twilight zone this is it, no rhyme, no reason, no logic.
About three years ago, my husband started accusing me of infidelity and a lot of other horrible things. I hate you are going through this but it helped me a lot hearing your story. I realized how I have isolated myself. Thank you for sharing your story.
You are an honorable man, Tom. I found that writing a succinct but detailed letter to the neurologist before finally taking my older brother for an appointment, was a tremendous help. I never spoke of his symptoms or condition in front of him so the letter gave info without conflict. That preserved his dignity and kept our relationship safe-trusting for him. Upon beginning anxiety and 2 other meds, he was gradually more content. When he said something incorrect, etc., I'd say, "well, you could be right," or "Oh, my, maybe!" It's a long journey but with lots of prayer support, the Lord can give you the wisdom and perseverance needed. You must have caregiver support and time away. 🙏🙏🙏
WOW! I have been trying to figure out what my wife is going through that affects me and your story nailed it but without any violence yet. She is accusing me of the same things you were being accused of. It hurts so bad when my wife does this to me. I’m scared to death of what is happening. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
What a wonderful man. I wish I could find support here in my small, boondock kinda town. I can't. I'm taking care of my mom who was so genteel and kind and never used a swear word in her life but that has definitely changed. It's HARD. Thank you for this video.
Just heartbreaking. I see it's been a year since this video and I'm just now watching. I pray Tom got help with his wife. God bless them both. It seems so unfair.
As you stated, your wife is not responsible for her disease, but neither are you Tom. I can relate, and sometimes you just have to let go of the situation, and thank God for the respite. My ex husband, for whom I have responsibility, is now in Memory Care and we both enjoy each other more because of the separation. Not perfect, but definitely better. God bless you sir, and enjoy the peace you now have.
Thank you Patricia for your kind words. My wife and I are no longer married. She divorced, not me. I struggle everyday with loneliness and sadness. I do however have peace that I did all I could.
I am glad I found this tonight, I needed it for me caring for mom, but now I understand why my dad did not leave my mom - sadly I think the stress of caring for her shortened his life
So sorry about what you went through. We had an uncle who got dementia and his son didn’t believe our Aunt when she begged him for help. Hope you are at the end of the sad journey. You deserve peace for the rest of your life.
God Bless you Tom for all that you have been going through, I had a beautiful close friend and it sounds like this is exactly what her husband had to endure. They are a strong Christian family and I'm sure that helped a lot during the hateful words and I believe violence that he had to endure. I moved away from the area many years ago so was unaware of the heartbreak that was going on in this family. Thank you so much for sharing your story, I pray for continued strength, to not isolate, and good friends to stand along side you in this difficult time. I also hope that caregivers will come so you can get out and enjoy life during the week. You don't need this 24/7 you need to do some living and enjoying. God Bless.
I know it has been a long time since you made this video, but I had to try to reach you. No one else has understood what I have tried to tell them is happening with my sister. She doesn’t live close to them, so they don’t experience it in person. I know they feel I’m emotional and exaggerating, but I swear your description of what happens with your wife is exactly what happens with my sister. I can’t fix it and I can’t change it. It is soul sucking. Thank you for putting my experience into words. At least I feel less alone.
I agreed to this interview, I wanted to tell my story, but today I could hardly look at it. I could see and can hear it in my talking just how emotional I was. I envy the care givers whose LO’s are mild, but there are the one’s this disease ravished, turns once kind, loving, affectionate people into raging anger. It is absolutely frightening when the anger turns to violence. I get anxious even now just to think about her many episodes.
Once we "know" how dementia people can be "out of control", then we can learn to not take it personally or seriously of what they say or do. Just shake it off, because they don't mean it, and move on. Remember all the Good they once were before the illness hit them... Just Hold on to the "Good" memories and that's all it matters. Keep being smart and creative in taking care of them!
I can SO relate to your story... It's almost like a complete double of my experience with my husband of 43 years! It also began suddenly..My heart goes out to you. We endured 4+ years of extreme rage, shouting, especially after he was a wonderful gentle, loving husband for 38+ years then. Also very violent and throwing, breaking and even trying to break the doors down in the hospital where he finally agreed to be seen for a few minutes. It's devastating, I've lost my son - no contact 7 years now. My 2 daughters have given up their lives - it's so unfair and there's nothing I can do about it. Tragic! I too have had to deal with that - finances are depleted too. The threats never ended.. he was obsessed with porn, told me he was bisexual, secretive. He can't drive as he's lost physical strength. I called the police over 3 times in one weekend, as I was so status and he threatened to kill me with a vase he broke by throwing it away me. There's no emotions in him at all now.. no laughter, affection, nothing! No logic. Withdrawal. Sleeping a lot. I pray for all caregivers in this.. both my daughter's and I are now on PTSD treatment as we were and still are SO broken - we had no confidence left. He was diagnosed by a Neurologist on an MRI in 2018. May God be with you, Tom. I understand your heartbreak so well! If you would like to contact me, you're welcome. I'm on FB too. I'll keep you in my prayers. 🙏🏻💜🙏🏻🌿🪻🌿
Yep, I can so relate to this story on many points. She began changing and becoming worse during those last years. Then her sudden accusations & lie's and an unknown smear campaign she was conducting behind my back caused uninformed ignorant people to believe her. She escalated her smear campaign against me when I tried to get our marriage and her help. After my arrest and removal, I too was forced to walk away. After my removal, her accusations and lies continued even during my divorce hearings some 5 years later. She and the narcissistic lawyers turned the divorce into an aggressive - abusive kangaroo court trial of me. I got nothing from the 37 years or from the business we built. I am 76 now and free. I once told her, "When you lie I can not help you!". Now she is beyond my help and any help I fear. I am doing all I can to heal. Again, I can so relate to this man's story.
This is hard to say but is it time to think about a nursing home? I am just at the early stages of your same journey but not nearly as Traumatic as yours. I am not sure I could be as strong as you for 4 years. I admire you for your love, dedication, and perseverance. Terry
Dear Tom, I am starting down the road you are on and I thank you for your honesty and wisdom. Below are words given to me and I share with you. When God asks us to follow him and leave everything behind, it’s much like Genesis 45:20 (below). He already knows ahead of time what our reservations will be, so he encourages us not to give it another thought. There’s nothing we can sacrifice that will compare to the blessings we’ll receive in exchange. He will never push you to do something you aren’t willing to do. But if you’ll let him, he’ll remove every fear and show you your future from his perspective. In tender compassion, the Lord will speak grace and strength to every reservation. Don’t be afraid of the huge shifts in seasons-when he asks you to walk away from positions, churches, groups, or jobs. His way is ultimately the best even if it seems scary at first. Focus on him and take the risk. Following him is always worth it!
So heartbreaking. What a good idea this gentleman kept track of the whole story, this can help so many people understand just what can happen. I wish I could hug everyone going through this, it is very important. My gawd, prayers for a resolution from this illness. Much love to all going through this. Why is she not in long term care, taking her home is not a good idea. Oh my gawd.
Tom, I am going through the exact same thing with an ex. I have been his caregiver for many years as he has had various medical issues which after nearly 30 years I'm realizing are probably all tied to his mental state. The dementia started to appear ever so slightly about 28 years ago when he was 49. It very gradually got worse through the years. I have pinpointed many psychosis in him, all undiagnosed, as his doctor seemed only interested in putting him on opiates. So now he has a drug problem in addition to severe dementia. He has a day here and there where he seems somewhat normal, the rest of the time he holes up in his room and sleeps for days on end only to get up to go to the bathroom and rarely to even eat. He started with the explosive disorder many years ago and now it is absolutely out of control. The rages are horrible, he has broken almost everything in the house, all the doors, the windows, fans, heaters and other appliances. Even busting iron railings and breaking up concrete sidewalks and the list goes on. Recently he had a good day and asked to drive my car which I normally don't let him but he seemed okay that day and within a couple hours I had a call that he had been in an accident. I was completely stupid for letting him drive my car as I had already decided he would never drive it again. But it was something important and I could not find anyone else and he wanted to go claiming he would be fine. It's one disaster after another everyday, all day long. Everything he touches turns into a nightmare. Believe if I hadn't had yoga training and been involved in fitness most of my life I would not have been able to handle this. It is so stressful sometimes I don't know what to do. I have an animal sanctuary and it is difficult for me to just leave. Screaming, yelling and delusional accusations are off the charts. I'm probably the most loyal person you would ever meet and yet I've been accused of the most horrific things even though I rarely only leave long enough to walk the dogs or go to the store, which has been for years. He has gotten physical several times, I have called the police numerous times throughout the years and they have done nothing. There is no place that will accept him and his sons don't want him. I do think the disease is getting the best of him, however, as he has become incredibly thin and cannot eat without nausea and vomiting. My fear is that he will just wallow like this for years until I am destroyed. I have been to various places for assistance, always being told they would call me back and they never do. The emotional drain has been horrific. I was only married to him for 2 years before I started to see things that seriously concerned me so I divorced him. I ended up, long story short, being his caregiver instead.. The last almost three decades have been an absolute nightmare but we both loved animals and that is what kept me around. I want the last 30 years back and can't believe they've been stolen from me. I have so much potential and I'm such a productive person who has tried to stimie all of that. If it weren't for the information I get from the internet and from the trailblazer videos I don't know what I would do to keep my sanity. I'm so sorry you are going through this also. It is definitely not for lightweights. It made me feel good briefly just to listen to your story. Thank you so much for sharing, I really needed that....
I’m from Arizona, and in our state if he is hospitalized for 3 days you legally don’t have to take him back. The hospital has, by law, to place him in a care facility.
It is a very good video. It gave me so much confidence and perspective on what was happening to my mum. Over ten years I knew something was not right but I blamed myself.
Mentally draining!!! Yes!Oooohhh my goodness. Prayers for you, your wife, and your children. 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾 I'm simply a volunteer, helping a man with no family help AT ALL! I'M LEARNING SOOOOOO MUCH FROM THIS CHANNEL. I'm drained ...
I'm late to the table here.....but going through it and my husband is in assisted living where he is monitored by nurses, his nutritional needs are ROUTINE and BEING MET when he wouldn't eat for me......he's forced to socialize with others without it appearing that it's forced, and he exercises regularly when he would never, ever do that at home. But the MOST important part? He's actually formed a COMMUNITY of his own.....and for the first time in nearly 20 years........I have peace in my life. I'm getting our finances in order, transitioning a business to our son, and getting estate plans finalized. All of the things he SHOULD have been doing because he SAID he WAS.....but was unable to follow through on anything and hiding his inabilities with anger. i sincerely appreciate the remarks made here.....but worry that he's taking a step backward by having her return home as she will not be getting better and his own health and well being is very much in danger in my opinion. I am impressed by his "date" of July, 2017. Ours was March, 2006. A good friend passed away from cancer and his judgement, short term memory and decision making went right out the window for good.
Everything he’s saying is exactly what my dad is going through at home with my mom. I’m so heartbroken for my parents. I know my mom needs help and she refuses to see a doctor. If anyone knows of Cambodian doctors who specializes in this disease, please provide their contact information.
@tomlinn7227 Just checking to see if there is an update on your situation? Were you able to get her officially diagnosed? Is she receiving further treatment? Are you able to get more help? Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me feel I'm not alone in a very similar situation with my mother. Absolutely heartbreaking, stressful, and bewildering with little to no help in sight...
Debbi, three things. 1) Get him diagnosed by the right doctors. 2) Get support from family members or friends - your support group. 3) See an estate planning and elder care attorneys. Kind regards, Tom
Hi Judy, thanks for sharing, could I ask you what type of dementia affects your partner? I'm waiting for a diagnosis for my mum and the journey is so long!
I have learned to record video and audio whenever possible to help the Doctor see context better. In addition, I get to record the good memories for the grandchildren and future generations to treasure forever.
I have hours of audio, sadly it’s almost too much to listen to. Of the people I have played snippets to say after a few seconds turn it off. I know it’s really heavy stuff, it’s scary.
Hi Sean, thanks for sharing, could I ask you what type of dementia affects your partner? I'm waiting for a diagnosis for my mum and the journey is so long!
I had two wonderful years of marriage, but have been married twelve years. I suffer daily, and cannot figure out how I will survive due to the stress caused by his dementia. When he says he is sick of my controlling him, I just say! "OK! go somewhere else. Who else will take care of you? " I used to try to convince him I was not trying to control, but I began agreeing with him. i tell him yes I am in control, and I will stay in control. I love you and I am taking care of both of us. He attacked me while I was driving 70 mph because I would not go to the store he wanted. He has thrown a rattlesnake at me. He shoves, pushes, constantly cusses when at home, but not in public. He is paranoid, and confabulates wild stories about me. His daughters say, "He doesnt seem that bad to me," so I do not even keep,them informed anymore. My children are my supporters via telephone, but really they cannot phathom my lonliness and grief. To Tom I would say, take heart if you are still dealing with her. The hardest part is comprehending that you are grieving for losing a wife that has not passed away. They become a fit-throwing narcissist, act like a toddler, and you have the role of their parent.
What words of comfort and encouragement can you offer to Tom?
Tom you have had a tough time but you have really looked after your wife my heart goes out to both of you.We had a similar thing with mum but after a couple of years we got her to doctors for diaagnosis we had to disable her car as she was dangerous driving. We had to protect my dad so we tried to be around . Now we just try to enjoy good times and walk my mum a lot which calms her i would reccomend getting help such as a cleaning lady and she stays with mum as she now cannot be left best wishes
Dear Tom, God bless you and your family. 🌹
Oh by the way, I clicked on the link to Tom's video and TH-cam did not allow it to be viewed because of the privacy setting.
God will give you the graces to love her to the highest degree possible in the present moment because your covenant in your marriage involves Jesus. My mom is on her last stage of dementia. It was very difficult years for my siblings similar to your experience. At the moment of insanity, violence,verbal accusations when her brain puts a different reality I make sure I'm grounded first before I can make her safe. Don't ever have self pity. You have authority to help her. Don't feel helpless. One day at a time. You are a blessed man, full of honesty and it's a great start to deal with the disease.
🙌🙏🙌ers to y'all's family. My Dad will be 91 yrs old 10-2. He's been losing his memory for yrs, I thought it was aging but now no it's more. He hasn't been diagnosed yet, I'm taking him to the Dr. Next month. He has high blood pressure and hasn't seen his wife in over a month so that causes alot of problems by itself. I'm hoping for the best but his Dad had Alzheimer's before he past so he probably will diagnosed with dementia. God Bless You.
Tom is so sincere. My heart goes out to him and all those going through this horrible disease.
It is heartbreaking. My Mom was the sweetest person you can imagine. She was a perfect wife, mother and grandmother. She lived for her husband and children. She never cursed..never! One day my Dad called me and told me Mom has cursed him out. Accused him of adultery and more. My Dad which did not know what to do..how to act.. just laughed but that made my Mom really mad. Then she stopped talking to him, isolated herself, sitting in a chair and just staring in the air. She was always very clean and nicely dressed but started to take her clothes off in the evening and putting the same clothes on the next day. My Dad was getting so sad and desperate about this. He put fresh clothes next her bed and put the used clothes right away in the washer to prevent her from wearing them again the next day. After like 6 month she stopped talking at all and she just sat in her favored chair on the window and smiled to everybody. She stopped cursing and eating and drinking. My Dad and my brother fed her, bathed her, dressed her etc. She had to wear diapers and all doors had to be locked that she would not wander off.
Sadly my Dad died on a heartattack and my brother moved in the house and took care of my mom. My Mom forgot to walk, later how to sit and after 7 years bedridden died peaceful at home, age 89.
All of us siblings pray to the lord that we rather die 10 years younger than going through what our Mom went through. It is heartbreaking and so hurting to see a person which was full of live, love and passion to suffer the loss of itself.
You are a wonderful person Tom and we know what you go through because we walked the same road.
😅😊
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What's so funny?
My mom has Alzheimers and, before my dad died, my mom relentlessly accused my dad of cheating on her. My poor dad was in terrible physical health and on oxygen 24/7. There was no way he was cheating on her. But she was completely paranoid, finding things in the house that belonged to me, for example, and saying they belonged to another woman. She would also have episodes of rage against me and other family members, making wild accusations. It built up over time and then, as her memory deteriorated, we realized there was something really wrong. Her doctor tested her for dementia but recommended she have a brain scan to confirm Alzheimers. I had to trick her into getting one, as she refused to recognize there was anything wrong. Elements of our story definitely resonate with me. Your calm nature is inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story and for your advice.
Omg!!!! I am going through this exactly with my mom accusing my dad. I even had to install a Ring camera to show her there are no women coming to the house to see my dad. She just says “your camera is a cheap camera and doesn’t work” thank you for sharing your story.
I'm a caregiver for 8-9 yrs now and work with patients with dementia and let me tell you it is the hardest ugly disease ever, literally this story breaks my heart. This gentleman is amazing may god bless him. I have been from Family living provider and working with dementia when I went to work and to come home to my son which was very challenging on a daily basis. I had to move my son to supported living now. And he's happy as I am too. My stress level has declined tremendously. My heart and prayers goes to Tom. He's a strong man.♥
My husband was diagnosed in August, 2022. We just spent 48 hours in terror that started with him assaulting our 20 year old daughter. Called 911 2 times in that 48 hour period and had the county crisis center counselors out 2 times.
Nothing was done. We have a 12 year old son. Right in the middle of all this chaos. I have watched so many videos on how to communicate, talked to Alzheimer’s Organization on the phone many times, talked with Adult Protective Services,….I could go on and on.
My daughter, son, and I are in this battle alone. Walking on eggshells all day every day. And he is right about walking away being a trigger itself…it seems there’s no answers or techniques that work every time. You have to constantly stumble on the fly for what will work.
I worked for 7 years, since 2016 to get him diagnosed.
Caring for a person with dementia is such an isolating experience. My mum had Alzheimers
and in the end when she could no longer be safely cared for at home,she was finally admitted to a secure locked facility.
The carers of people with dementia are exhausted beyond belief and it is awful when there is little or no family help available or opportunity for them to be cared for.
The carers themselves need regular respite,general time out and someone to offer ongoing support.
This man’s experience is heartbreakingly raw and real.
Thank you for sharing your experience
Thank you for your story. We are going through this now. You are not alone.
If at all possible, build a network of people who are willing to learn about this disease, who will listen, who will be supportive. If we caregivers don’t have our network it’s nearly impossible to not be scared ourselves.
This gentleman’s story is heartbreaking. He said so many things that are spot on.
...so many things that I deal with daily as a volunteer caregiver.
Your expressions of love, confusion,sadness, frustration, and heartache touched my understanding heart. I have just started on a dementia journey with my husband. I hope that I can deal with it with it the way you have, with dignity and grace. Lean on your bible and the promises there of a brighter side to life than what we see. This is temporary.
Thank you Mary. I have lived with all these emotions and more for 5 years. These emotions are not small but like giant tidal waves that come crashing down on me. I work hard to manage my emotions, keep them in check. If I don’t I’m afraid they will consume me, literally.
Mary Ann, THAT is my approach in Germany too, just learning about my husband of 25 years too. We still have "good days" but I have to learn such a lot about triggers and how this degenerative process alters the person. JESUS CHRIST is the ONLY "go to" address in this case for both of us. Blessings your way, hang in there! 🙏👰💖
I just lost my mother to Vascular Dementia/severe stroke. My dad went through the same accusations, delusions etc., and he did not want to get educated on dementia, he didn’t want help, he was in denial and that led to her death. Don’t wish this on anyone! It is the hardest thing anyone can go through in life. I learn so much through the Careblazer videos!
I too have learned so much from the Careblazer group. Educating ourselves is the key to our survival, ignorance fans the flames and tears families apart.
Tom, survivor guilt doesn’t only apply to survivors of a death. It can also apply to people in your situation. I salute you for taking grip of your wife’s dementia and setting healthy boundaries for yourself. Letting go of one’s life mate is a horrendously painful process, exacerbated by this disease, and you’re coping very well. I wish you strength, and thank you for sharing your story!
I am so sorry for what you are going through, Tom. I am going through this with my 88-yr old mother, and am struggling to get anyone to assess her. She had a stroke two years ago, and when you mentioned that your wife still drives, goes to the grocery store, and “seems fine” to other people outside the home, I had a very real moment of empathetic relief: Mother’s primary care provider thought she seemed “fine,” her church friends think she’s fine, even some extended family members think so, too. I find myself the target of their suspicion and animosity, along with dealing with her.
My mom is 87, and I am there, too. I have spoken to her accountant, broker, and lawyer, all of whom have been advising her for years, and they see issues with her judgment, with confusion. Just mentioning an assessment puts me at risk of accusations of trying to get her money. Every time she gets in her car I dread an accident that hurts someone else. It's such an ugly, exhausting situation.
My mother was almost exactly like your wife. My dad couldn’t handle her, none of us kids could either. She lived in a nursing home the last 5 years of her life. It was so devastating, but was the only thing we could do. She became dangerous. She was such a good wife to my father, was a wonderful cook and homemaker, and a wonderful mother. She passed in 2019 at the nursing home. Hospice came in the last 5 days. I miss her so much.
It's called "showtiming" in FTD forums. Other people thought my husband was normal. They should have seen him behind the curtain.
I have never heard of "showtiming," but the word seems fitting.
Wow I'm going through it w my mom as a psych and recently diagnosed dementia patient. I understand much of what he is saying and I cried watching this... thank you for being kind to share with us. You are so brave and an encouragement.
Many of us feel as though we are the only one, or our burden seems to be much more than others. When we imagine that we might be alone or our troubles are more than others we tend to be embarrassed like thinking what the world might think of me, my LO, my situation. I told my story because it is a tragedy, it is heart breaking, but this is what dementia can be and all to often is. Kind regards
Thank you so much for the video about Dementia. I followed the link to view Tom’s video, but it is listed as Private. Can I get the name of the TH-cam video?
I have come to see changes in my sister that I never dreamed that would occur. I have been told by relatives that she can’t take care of herself, but I didn’t realize the depth of the problem till this summer. I can empathize with Tom with the confusion at the beginning of the disease…stay strong Tom!❤️
Talking to a therapist help a person can vent get some of their frustrations out really really helps
This is a very powerful revelation. You are a strong man. My late husband who was the best ever completely changed, too. He had Parkinson's and hallucinations and severe depression over knowing what was coming. He tried to choke me, came after me with a baseball bat, and turned the gas on so we could die together. He caught pneumonia, ended up with a breathing tube and food tube. Bedridden in ICU. He asked to have a morphine drip and tubes disconnected. He was with a priest and said he saw God b4 going to sleep and heaven. His whole extended family has turned on me for "letting him" do that. He had signed a DNR 2007. Died 2010. The toll it took on me and our immediate family I still not have recovered from.
I don't know what comfort and encouragement I can give except to say that know that you are not alone. There are thousands of us out here going similar experiences and we are all with you and pulling for you.
Thank you for your kind words.
@@tomlinn7227 Dear Tom I just learned similar about my husband of 25 years and he's still cooperating seeing a doctor (luckily) but it's hard nevertheless of course. What I can recommend as a Christian is letting JESUS CHRIST handle this case. He's in control of EVERY single cell of our bodies as He's the creator of all so of course He will control your wife too but YOU have got to BELIEVE it. 🙏
Idk how you went on after 1 year now I've only watched your conversation here now from Germany but that's how I deal with it TODAY. Jesus is coming back soon and we're going to receive our glorified bodies anyway by then. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18; 1 Corinthians 15:52 Time to end bible study and start to BELIEVE it... Much love and blessings your way! 🙏👰💖
@@Corinna_Schuett_GER Hi Corinna, thank you for your very kind and wise words. I too am a believer, and as hard as life has been I know this is my time to wait patiently on God, I’m to trust He will watch over me, and I’m to hold on to my faith. Kindest regards Corinna
Thanks Tom for telling your story! My mom switched one day and thinks her husband is cheating she has all this proof but none of it logical and the fact that he loves her and treats her well doesn't seem to matter at all! I have come to the point where I have to ignore her and walk away when that topic comes up. I'm trying to get her to the doctor! I wish I could just call her doctor and tell them what she's going through and how she's been acting!
Tom, you are so brave to do this. She is lucky to have you. God bless you for saying you won’t divorce her - that speaks so loudly of your true love. I will pray for you. And I hope it gets better at some point.
It is only going to get worse, she needs to be under care outside the family.
Oh, Tom...God bless you. What a loving husband you are! We are not alone in this. Our experience is not unique. We need the support of other people going through this, and our experience enables us to support others. I am learning to be less reactive and emotional,and that will serve me throughout the rest of my life. Thank you for sharing your story.
Im going through something similar with my roommate. My heart goes out to this man, this situation is so stressful and difficult. He developed a terminal illness and has a form of dementia. There's nowhere I can send him for care, theres no one that will come help at home, his mother wont even come over to help. Im not even a spouse or relative and I am now caring for a very angry abusive person with dementia and there is simply nothing I can do about it. I also feel completely overwhelmed and have nowhere to go for real help. I don't understand how I manage to keep facing every day. Like this man said, how do I cope with this? Im also experiencing this issue with him being kind to others and other people not seeing how far out of his mind he truly is. No one listens to me. He'll go to lunch with a friend and they think he's fine, he tells people I'm a terrible mean person but Im definitely not mean to him. Ive taken on the financial, emotional, psychological burden and I am completely alone in this.
For heaven’s sake, get money together, pack your bags and get out!!! Call his mother from a pay phone and tell her the guy is all hers, then disappear!!
Tom I pray God’s strength for you on the rest of your dementia journey caring for your wife in sickness and in health til death do you part. I’m glad you are on the other side personally and starting to live your life.
Thank you Stacy
Tom, thank you for sharing your heart wrenching story. Each of us has different experiences with our loved ones but as I do, it is evident that you love your spouse. You are a very strong person.
Thank you Tom for sharing your dementia journey which is very, very sad. I grieve with you and pray that you'll go on finding the answers that help you through. Likewise, I have spent the last 15 years trying to understand and then learn more about all of this As you say .Dr. Natalie's recordings are invaluable, as well as the others such as the Alzheimer's Support group and counsellors. Self-care is certainly a must but I know I have also suffered health challenges. Fortunately, my family is supportive which makes my journey a little easier.
💯 in agreeance with you. I am going through it with my beautiful mother. Every day is a struggle. Prayers for us all going through this tragic struggle
Mahalo nui loa Tom for your honest storytelling. Your true love example is of the highest degree💖 because you honor your vow to your wife. Me ke Aloha pu🌺 from Hawaiian Islands. Grateful for learning opportunities as I begin this journey with my aunt.
Tom:
Thank you for sharing. I have been living through a parallel universe to yours since shortly after 9/11/2001. A firm diagnosis was made by a neurologist in 2006. After several years the anger and accusing has faded away along with her memory, mind and bodily functions. At this point she has lost more than half her normal weight, is bed ridden and seems to rest most of the time (but it might be simply carrying on private conversations with her mother and others I can't identify). But as hard as it has been to live with, I still have her at home. I am fortunate enough to have one daughter living with us so we share her care. I, like you, will only let her go (physically) when the Lord takes her.
The non-stop anger drains a person’s soul of life to the point that nothing seems to matter but to survive to another day. I always thought I was stronger than I’m finding out I am. Mental illness and dementia is stronger than I am, or more persistent.
Your video was amazing. My family is just now starting to figure out what has happened to our mother. We have just shook our heads at her behaviors. I feel very blessed to have listened to you and I too try to read everything I can get my hands on. It's a journey that will be our most difficult. Thankyou so much and you are amazing.
Such a powerful account of how this man has tried to cope with his nearest and dearest suffering from dementia. I hope Tom now finds some peace and is able to move forward to resume his own life.
I truly appreciate listening to your experience dealing with your wife with dementia. Be strong Tom. God is with you. You are not alone. I hope light will shine brightly at the end of the tunnel. God bless.
My Brother recently passed from Alzheimer’s. He had some paranoia, nowhere the issues your wife has had. You have dealt with this situation like a master! You deserve the highest accolades! I am sorry you have had very little family support, which is tragic. Please take care of yourself!
Thank you for the kind words.
@@tomlinn7227 I cannot open your TH-cam video link because of its privacy setting.
This is heartbreaking, and I feel like the similarity to what I have dealt with caring for my daughter with bipolar disorder and autism. People actually asked “how I could put her in a residential school and leave her alone”. They all believe that I could have done more, but she got bigger and taller and I had already sacrificed my back restraining her, been given blunt trauma from being shoved against furniture, been punched in the head, attacked while driving the car. Nobody knows what we go through. I’m a single mom, she needed more than I could do or give her. I am still fighting the PTSD, the panic attacks. Now my mom has begun doing horrible things, ripping up family pictures calling to blow up at me an calling me a piece of shit for not taking her in. Last week I tried to visit and brought lots of things she loves and things she needed to the assisted living. In five minutes she was shoving me out with a chair and kicking all the things I brought her hit my body with the door slamming it behind me. She is fine with other people except myself and my siblings. She doesn’t remember when each of us tried taking her in. I am still fighting the PTSD, and this new chapter in our family is just making it worse. She hasn’t hurt anyone yet, but I feel those vibes coming up, and it won’t be long. I already had to retire from back injuries and mental duress, I am only going so far with her because I deserve to heal as well. I will make sure what she needs she has, but if she refuses again and again to attend doctor appts, I can’t make her go. I have given away decades of my life between my daughter and my mom, I will visit both when they are stable enough, I will do what I can but no more sacrificing everything.
I do know what you have gone through and are going through. It is so hard to be experiencing so many emotions all at the same time. Fear, anger, resentment, love,, wanting to retaliate. I spend most of my time and energy managing my emotions, I have to to keep calm and stay in reality. Hang in there.
You are making the right decisions. There is no logic to their behavior, only much pain. You cannot live with that on a regular basis. No one can. People who haven't experienced what you're going through will not understand and will try to make you feel guilty for your choices. Don't let them, because they have not experienced this. I hope you will find people and organizations that will support your choices and will give you the emotional help you need when you need it.
Some people always have to point you out doing things ‘wrong’ according to them. I’m certain if you didn’t place your daughter in care, and things went worse, the same people would say ‘Why didn’t you get help before it was too late?’
@@tillatidtryte You are so right. Family members who suddenly are marriage experts, who butt into my marriage, who mouth off on a subject matter they have zero knowledge of nor experience with, but yet go so way beyond boundaries and get involved in my marriage, my LO's health, advise me on what and how I should be doing things. To me these people are nothing other than prostitutes. They destroy marriages, they have no respect for boundaries, they see they lack any common sense, they have no empathy for what this disease has done to the individual and to the caregiver. When reality comes to roost upon them they are no where to be found. Nasty nasty people.
Thank you all for the supportive words. It sure is nice to feel understood!!!
Bless you, Tom. I can identify with everything you describe and pray that you are getting the support you need and deserve.
So difficult Tom. You are such a loving husband. It's very heartbreaking that you have to go through this in the time when you 2 should be enjoying you retirement years. Stay strong Tom. I am sending you patience and healing energy for your soul.
It is hard for me to hear him say he will never leave her or divorce her because my friends Father killed his wife. Yes, he was not in his right mind. But it didn't have to happen and my friend could not get over losing her Mother in such a manner. Do we have to be martyrs? Do we have to suffer abuse and be killed? Why does the sick person have all the power? Simply because there is no help?
No one should be a martyr! If anyone tries to guilt you for refusing to be a martyr then you should suggest letting a dementia patient live with THEM, even part time, then the excuses will start to come out
So much dementia care says “don’t argue, be happy, misdirect and change the subject”…that’s nice when you are physically having to restrain them from taking the car, or using chemicals in the house, or damaging things, or any of the other endless ridiculous things we have to deal with as caregivers. Letting mentally ill dangerous people be “in charge” is the absolute worst possible thing to do for both the patient, caregiver AND the public.
my dad gives my mom complete control in an effort to keep her calm which of course makes things more horrific and out of control. I hope Tom is ok. This reminds me so much of my parents situation and it’s been living a nightmare in a silo.
It is now 2024. I'm just seeing the podcast with Tom on Dementia Cargivers. Can anyone tell me what happened with he and his wife? Did she ever get the medical help she needed? Did she go home? How is Tom now?
Tom, thankyou for your words of wisdom. They're much needed and appreciated. God bless.
Thank you so much for your video Tom. My mum in law is starting to get a little aggressive and paranoid. This helps a lot to hear other stories.
Thank you for your comment. I would say educate yourself, watch Careblazers videos often, go to other resources, get yourself a network of supporters who too are willing to educate themselves. We need support, this disease is bigger than an individual. Kind regards.
@@tomlinn7227 Thank you, Tom. I have watched a lot of care blazers stories. Each one is individual to each person. My mother in law partner is caring for her at the moment. They are both in their early 80s. She won't get any help she refuses. She says she is fine. Take care. I hope everything works out as you want it too with your wife.
@@elvislady Thank you for your kind words, they are so appreciated.
@@tomlinn7227 you are very welcome Tom. Take care.
My wife has Alzheimer’s, six and a half years in since diagnoses. Just over the last six or seven months it turned hard. Now she has progressed more where she is very hard to keep from going into a rage at the slightest infraction. She cries and blames me and accuses me of everything. The only tool I have is her meds. They don’t always work so her doctor prescribes more of them. I pray that God will help me through this. Believe me sir I understand.
May God bless and help you.
Tom, I’m praying for both of you... and the rest of your family 😢💙🙏🏻🙏🏻
Thanks for sharing your very emotional life's experiences.
I can fully identify with all the episodes you have experienced.
Strange,to here you've kept a record of your unpleasant experiences with physical and mental abuse
by our loved one, who can't help for her situation.
On reflection, as an octogenarian, still married at fifty three years, my wife's mental deteriorating state started forty years ago.
Now I'm receiving support from our local Dementia Society.
I admired the dedication you to detailed record keeping ,sincere dedication to her, through all the different stages you've experienced.
Sending warm greetings with blessings.
My heart goes out to you tom. Many prayers and thank you for showing us a glimpse of what you have endured like a great soldier. Teepa Snow also has great teaching.
Ohhh I LOVE Teepa!!! She’s brilliant, kind and genuinely cares about people and these brain diseases.
Tom, I just want to say that you are not alone. I've been caregiver to my husband who has FTD/Alz diagnosed in 2017 but signs were apparent going back to 2009. Now my sister who I was always very close with has become very verbally abusive with me, non stop. I live a distance from her and her family and they are all angry with me because I'm so certain that her sudden aggressiveness is a sign of dementia. She needs to be evaluated but instead her family is in denial and being defensive. So now I'm dealing with my husband and his dementia and all the challenges of that with no support from family and am estranged from them at a time when I need them most. It's so wrong and so unfair but like you said, it is what it is. My heart goes out to you and I truly relate to your pain in this journey. Thank you so very much for sharing.
My heart goes out to you, your wife, and the family. Thankyou for sharing and helping others.
Aloha Tom. I understand your emotions of this phase. As i listened to your story i recalled my experiences with mom's delusional accusations ... so so hurtful since she raised me like a princess where i was her angel. This is a phase that will pass... as my mom is very child like stage now. You are such a good man to stand by your wife through this difficult disease. I recenlty read a story where man filed for divorce due to wife's dementia. You are a real man owning up to your vow both of you took. Tom, you are doing fantastic job of caring for your wife. You are not alone.... many of us know exactly what you go through. Hang in there🌼💮🌻🌈
Tom Thank you for sharing your story. This is the first I have heard about this. I have a similar story with my mother, I relate so much to your story. Thank you
Tom I am so sorry this illness has taken your wife. Please be careful for your own safety. Please make sure you do things for yourself, taking care of you. I am concerned that you are thinking of allowing her to decide if she comes home or not. You have said that she is illogical, violent and delusional. This is very hard.. Thank you for sharing your story.
She did not come home. I now doubt she ever will. I’m very sad at the thought of this. I fight sadness everyday. Thank you for you kind words.
wishing you peace
I am so sorry it did not turn out as you wanted. This is a terrible disease. Know that you worked on it & with her for 4 years. You cannot control the outcome. You truly did your best. That is all anyone can do.
@@tomlinn7227
I guess I missed the part about what her disease is.
What does she have?
@@patrickflohe7427 She exhibited many of the behaviors of bvFTD. For 42 years she was as nice, kind, considerate and affectionate as could be. Over time she became suspicious, paranoid, extremely angry, violent, the language! She spent money as though we were wealthy. She refused to go to the doctor, family wouldn’t help me they would not even encourage her to seek a medical evaluation for the dramatic changes to her personality. The violence got so severe she had to leave the house. 7 weeks after the interview I learned I needed open heart surgery. With all the violence I wasn’t paying attention to the signs my body was giving, I thought it was simply stress. I was wrong. She divorced me soon after. It’s been a long journey but I’m only now beginning to think and act without emotions controlling my thoughts and interactions with others. I've learned to control my emotions rather than my emotions controlling me. I’m reasonably happy these days. Kind regards to you. If you ever have a question I’d be happy to listen and give an answer based on my experiences. Tom
Tom - keep up the good work and keep learning how to be the best caregiver you can. Praying for strength and courage for your journey.
Hang in there Tom you don't deserve to be treated that way I'm sure you're a lovely partner and do all you can to ensure your wife is safe and cared for!
Thanks Tom for sharing your journey. My heart goes out to you in losing the relationship with your wife that you once knew. I have been a full time caregiver for both my parents for the last 7 years. . My 89 year old father has dementia. He is obsessive about things, accusatory and I would say paranoid. I tell you this so you know you are not in this struggle alone. It’s constant change with this disease. I have learned to live in the moment.
People afflicted with dementia often take on characteristics of other mental illnesses like paranoia, hallucinations, thinking and saying the most outlandish things. After being in this world for some time we get worn out spiritually. For me that is scary, I do not want to be worn out just existing, I want to have some joy in my life. Thank you for your nice comment.
Ma’am I am so sorry to be reading this. It brakes me heart. My mother is going through3-4 now. As am I. I will pray for your family ma’am. God bless
I feel so badly for Tom. My wife is going through the middle stages of dementia, and some of these behaviors are beginning to surface. This has been the most challenging thing I have ever dealt with. I hope God gives me patience, and Wisdom. I hope Tom finds peace. God bless you Tom.
You are not alone. My husband has VaDem.....along with multiple other chronic illnesses. We finally got husband to agree to A.L. last April, he walked out of facility mid August came back to house, nothing I can do right now until he is hospitalized again. He has screaming outbursts daily, I have been called every name in the book.
Tom, I felt your heart speaking. My husband also has frontal Temple dementia. That insecurity that you felt was me for such a long time in the last year and a half I feel stronger knowing so much more about this horrible disease. My heart goes out to you and your wife.
Thank you. This has been so emotional for me. I wonder if I'll ever come to terms with what has happened over the last 4 years.
@@tomlinn7227
You spoke about the problem behaviors and abandonment of logic and honor, but not what happened with your ex's memory. Were they also losing their memory?
You know, these stories (except for the memory and loss of function aspects) are remarkably similar to domestic violence cases, which many others have suffered, with the same bafflement and confusion as they witnessed rational reasoning be thrown to the curb by the neurologically dysregulated batterer.
@@cacatr4495 Many people afflicted with any number of dementia types take on characteristics of other serious mental health issues. This causes many to be miss-diagnosed resulting in wrong treatments. Also there are many who refused to seek medical help (anosognosia). You are correct in saying these behaviors can be and often are similar behaviors in domestic violence cases but the underling cause may very well be a form of dementia. Left undiagnosed and untreated the life of this poor soul and anyone in the house of close to the person suffers life long trauma.
Regarding memory, my LO's recollection of historical events were distorted and just plain nonsense. These people are good at hiding their issues, but only for a while. So for them to talk from memory is just not going to happen. But to evidence and behavior changes lead us to know their memory is just not their. Do they remember how to get to and from places they use to frequent? Like going to church, getting lost in busy malls, not mentioning an anniversary. All evidence that memory is being lost.
@@cacatr4495Hi, hope you don't mind me commenting. If his wife has FTD (Frontal Temporal Lobe Dementia) which is what my dad had, the extreme personality changes tend to present first before memory issues because of the nature of FTD affecting the frontal lobe which controls reasoning and judgement. Memory issues and speech problems come later in the illness and his wife may have not reached that stage yet. FTD also takes a long time to diagnose because it presents differently from say Alzheimer's and tends to be misdiagnosed more often.
@@lilyamongbrambles4458
So does that mean that those that become batterers, that throw reason and sanity aside, that become emotionally unhinged, may have a probability of later losing their memory and perhaps being diagnosed with FTD? I knew someone like that, only at the time, amidst their problem behaviors, they also had no memory either immediately or afterward of some of their behaviors, not all, just some, and otherwise, memory never seemed to be a problem. I wonder now as they're aging if their memory loss will increase. They had always been neurologically dysregulated, manifesting both emotionally and behaviorally, as they recounted their childhood behavior, stories from their own mouth. Then in their teenage years, he had a severe accident on his dirt bike that resulted in many injuries, one to his frontal lobe. I knew him in his thirties and forties, and he was off the map, behaviorally. Now sixty, I can't help but wonder.
Thank you Tom. I've learned. My husband was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers 3/2021.
Tom my heart aches for you and thank you for sharing your journey. I am going through similar things... accusations, no diagnosis. Please continue learning about God (Bible study) . It is comforting to know that the present human condition is not what God purposed and will soon change.
What a profound presentation. I needed to hear a lot of Tom's journey. My mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer with aggression and disruptive behavior. Like Tom, it's like a light switch was turned off. It is what it is, truly heart breaking. All careblazers stay strong and take care of yourself 🙏🙏🙏💚
Sending you love!
Before all this happened I never could have imagined a disease as hedious as this is. If ever there is a twilight zone this is it, no rhyme, no reason, no logic.
About three years ago, my husband started accusing me of infidelity and a lot of other horrible things. I hate you are going through this but it helped me a lot hearing your story. I realized how I have isolated myself. Thank you for sharing your story.
You are an honorable man, Tom. I found that writing a succinct but detailed letter to the neurologist before finally taking my older brother for an appointment, was a tremendous help. I never spoke of his symptoms or condition in front of him so the letter gave info without conflict. That preserved his dignity and kept our relationship safe-trusting for him. Upon beginning anxiety and 2 other meds, he was gradually more content. When he said something incorrect, etc., I'd say, "well, you could be right," or "Oh, my, maybe!" It's a long journey but with lots of prayer support, the Lord can give you the wisdom and perseverance needed. You must have caregiver support and time away. 🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for this idea- so important to share info/insight with medical professionals WITHOUT cuing negative responses.
WOW! I have been trying to figure out what my wife is going through that affects me and your story nailed it but without any violence yet. She is accusing me of the same things you were being accused of. It hurts so bad when my wife does this to me. I’m scared to death of what is happening.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
What a wonderful man. I wish I could find support here in my small, boondock kinda town. I can't. I'm taking care of my mom who was so genteel and kind and never used a swear word in her life but that has definitely changed. It's HARD. Thank you for this video.
Thank you so much for sharing this. This is my first time looking up this online. My husband is showing signs of dementia. This was helpful
Same but with my elderly father.
Tom, you are an honorable man and sending you thoughts of peace and comfort. Hope there is some respite care available to you.
Just heartbreaking. I see it's been a year since this video and I'm just now watching. I pray Tom got help with his wife. God bless them both. It seems so unfair.
Amazingly helpful and the isolation part is a struggle so a good exhortation…my spouse has FTD too
As you stated, your wife is not responsible for her disease, but neither are you Tom. I can relate, and sometimes you just have to let go of the situation, and thank God for the respite. My ex husband, for whom I have responsibility, is now in Memory Care and we both enjoy each other more because of the separation. Not perfect, but definitely better. God bless you sir, and enjoy the peace you now have.
Thank you Patricia for your kind words. My wife and I are no longer married. She divorced, not me. I struggle everyday with loneliness and sadness. I do however have peace that I did all I could.
It's great you can afford Memory Care.
I am glad I found this tonight, I needed it for me caring for mom, but now I understand why my dad did not leave my mom - sadly I think the stress of caring for her shortened his life
So sorry about what you went through. We had an uncle who got dementia and his son didn’t believe our Aunt when she begged him for help. Hope you are at the end of the sad journey. You deserve peace for the rest of your life.
God Bless you Tom for all that you have been going through, I had a beautiful close friend and it sounds like this is exactly what her husband had to endure. They are a strong Christian family and I'm sure that helped a lot during the hateful words and I believe violence that he had to endure. I moved away from the area many years ago so was unaware of the heartbreak that was going on in this family. Thank you so much for sharing your story, I pray for continued strength, to not isolate, and good friends to stand along side you in this difficult time. I also hope that caregivers will come so you can get out and enjoy life during the week. You don't need this 24/7 you need to do some living and enjoying. God Bless.
I know it has been a long time since you made this video, but I had to try to reach you. No one else has understood what I have tried to tell them is happening with my sister. She doesn’t live close to them, so they don’t experience it in person. I know they feel I’m emotional and exaggerating, but I swear your description of what happens with your wife is exactly what happens with my sister. I can’t fix it and I can’t change it. It is soul sucking. Thank you for putting my experience into words. At least I feel less alone.
Thank you for your story
I agreed to this interview, I wanted to tell my story, but today I could hardly look at it. I could see and can hear it in my talking just how emotional I was. I envy the care givers whose LO’s are mild, but there are the one’s this disease ravished, turns once kind, loving, affectionate people into raging anger. It is absolutely frightening when the anger turns to violence. I get anxious even now just to think about her many episodes.
Once we "know" how dementia people can be "out of control", then we can learn to not take it personally or seriously of what they say or do. Just shake it off, because they don't mean it, and move on. Remember all the Good they once were before the illness hit them... Just Hold on to the "Good" memories and that's all it matters. Keep being smart and creative in taking care of them!
I can SO relate to your story... It's almost like a complete double of my experience with my husband of 43 years! It also began suddenly..My heart goes out to you.
We endured 4+ years of extreme rage, shouting, especially after he was a wonderful gentle, loving husband for 38+ years then. Also very violent and throwing, breaking and even trying to break the doors down in the hospital where he finally agreed to be seen for a few minutes. It's devastating, I've lost my son - no contact 7 years now. My 2 daughters have given up their lives - it's so unfair and there's nothing I can do about it. Tragic! I too have had to deal with that - finances are depleted too. The threats never ended.. he was obsessed with porn, told me he was bisexual, secretive. He can't drive as he's lost physical strength. I called the police over 3 times in one weekend, as I was so status and he threatened to kill me with a vase he broke by throwing it away me. There's no emotions in him at all now.. no laughter, affection, nothing! No logic. Withdrawal. Sleeping a lot.
I pray for all caregivers in this.. both my daughter's and I are now on PTSD treatment as we were and still are SO broken - we had no confidence left. He was diagnosed by a Neurologist on an MRI in 2018.
May God be with you, Tom. I understand your heartbreak so well! If you would like to contact me, you're welcome. I'm on FB too. I'll keep you in my prayers. 🙏🏻💜🙏🏻🌿🪻🌿
Yep, I can so relate to this story on many points. She began changing and becoming worse during those last years. Then her sudden accusations & lie's and an unknown smear campaign she was conducting behind my back caused uninformed ignorant people to believe her. She escalated her smear campaign against me when I tried to get our marriage and her help. After my arrest and removal, I too was forced to walk away. After my removal, her accusations and lies continued even during my divorce hearings some 5 years later. She and the narcissistic lawyers turned the divorce into an aggressive - abusive kangaroo court trial of me. I got nothing from the 37 years or from the business we built. I am 76 now and free. I once told her, "When you lie I can not help you!". Now she is beyond my help and any help I fear. I am doing all I can to heal. Again, I can so relate to this man's story.
This is hard to say but is it time to think about a nursing home? I am just at the early stages of your same journey but not nearly as
Traumatic as yours. I am not sure I could be as strong as you for 4 years. I admire you for your love, dedication, and perseverance.
Terry
I am researching impact on families with dementia so thank you for this honest share,
Dear Tom, I am starting down the road you are on and I thank you for your honesty and wisdom. Below are words given to me and I share with you.
When God asks us to follow him and leave everything behind, it’s much like Genesis 45:20 (below). He already knows ahead of time what our reservations will be, so he encourages us not to give it another thought. There’s nothing we can sacrifice that will compare to the blessings we’ll receive in exchange.
He will never push you to do something you aren’t willing to do. But if you’ll let him, he’ll remove every fear and show you your future from his perspective. In tender compassion, the Lord will speak grace and strength to every reservation. Don’t be afraid of the huge shifts in seasons-when he asks you to walk away from positions, churches, groups, or jobs. His way is ultimately the best even if it seems scary at first. Focus on him and take the risk. Following him is always worth it!
AMEN Martha, MARANATHA! 🙏👰💖
Thank you Mr. Tom..🙏 pray all will go well for you & your dear wife!❤
So heartbreaking. What a good idea this gentleman kept track of the whole story, this can help so many people understand just what can happen. I wish I could hug everyone going through this, it is very important. My gawd, prayers for a resolution from this illness. Much love to all going through this. Why is she not in long term care, taking her home is not a good idea. Oh my gawd.
Tom, I am going through the exact same thing with an ex. I have been his caregiver for many years as he has had various medical issues which after nearly 30 years I'm realizing are probably all tied to his mental state. The dementia started to appear ever so slightly about 28 years ago when he was 49. It very gradually got worse through the years. I have pinpointed many psychosis in him, all undiagnosed, as his doctor seemed only interested in putting him on opiates. So now he has a drug problem in addition to severe dementia. He has a day here and there where he seems somewhat normal, the rest of the time he holes up in his room and sleeps for days on end only to get up to go to the bathroom and rarely to even eat. He started with the explosive disorder many years ago and now it is absolutely out of control. The rages are horrible, he has broken almost everything in the house, all the doors, the windows, fans, heaters and other appliances. Even busting iron railings and breaking up concrete sidewalks and the list goes on. Recently he had a good day and asked to drive my car which I normally don't let him but he seemed okay that day and within a couple hours I had a call that he had been in an accident. I was completely stupid for letting him drive my car as I had already decided he would never drive it again. But it was something important and I could not find anyone else and he wanted to go claiming he would be fine. It's one disaster after another everyday, all day long. Everything he touches turns into a nightmare.
Believe if I hadn't had yoga training and been involved in fitness most of my life I would not have been able to handle this. It is so stressful sometimes I don't know what to do. I have an animal sanctuary and it is difficult for me to just leave.
Screaming, yelling and delusional accusations are off the charts. I'm probably the most loyal person you would ever meet and yet I've been accused of the most horrific things even though I rarely only leave long enough to walk the dogs or go to the store, which has been for years. He has gotten physical several times, I have called the police numerous times throughout the years and they have done nothing. There is no place that will accept him and his sons don't want him. I do think the disease is getting the best of him, however, as he has become incredibly thin and cannot eat without nausea and vomiting. My fear is that he will just wallow like this for years until I am destroyed. I have been to various places for assistance, always being told they would call me back and they never do.
The emotional drain has been horrific. I was only married to him for 2 years before I started to see things that seriously concerned me so I divorced him. I ended up, long story short, being his caregiver instead.. The last almost three decades have been an absolute nightmare but we both loved animals and that is what kept me around. I want the last 30 years back and can't believe they've been stolen from me. I have so much potential and I'm such a productive person who has tried to stimie all of that. If it weren't for the information I get from the internet and from the trailblazer videos I don't know what I would do to keep my sanity.
I'm so sorry you are going through this also. It is definitely not for lightweights. It made me feel good briefly just to listen to your story. Thank you so much for sharing, I really needed that....
I’m from Arizona, and in our state if he is hospitalized for 3 days you legally don’t have to take him back. The hospital has, by law, to place him in a care facility.
It is a very good video. It gave me so much confidence and perspective on what was happening to my mum. Over ten years I knew something was not right but I blamed myself.
Mentally draining!!! Yes!Oooohhh my goodness. Prayers for you, your wife, and your children. 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
I'm simply a volunteer, helping a man with no family help AT ALL! I'M LEARNING SOOOOOO MUCH FROM THIS CHANNEL.
I'm drained ...
I pray for all may the Lord give u all strength to cope, be strong and of a good courage the Lord is with you all ❤
I'm late to the table here.....but going through it and my husband is in assisted living where he is monitored by nurses, his nutritional needs are ROUTINE and BEING MET when he wouldn't eat for me......he's forced to socialize with others without it appearing that it's forced, and he exercises regularly when he would never, ever do that at home. But the MOST important part? He's actually formed a COMMUNITY of his own.....and for the first time in nearly 20 years........I have peace in my life. I'm getting our finances in order, transitioning a business to our son, and getting estate plans finalized. All of the things he SHOULD have been doing because he SAID he WAS.....but was unable to follow through on anything and hiding his inabilities with anger. i sincerely appreciate the remarks made here.....but worry that he's taking a step backward by having her return home as she will not be getting better and his own health and well being is very much in danger in my opinion. I am impressed by his "date" of July, 2017. Ours was March, 2006. A good friend passed away from cancer and his judgement, short term memory and decision making went right out the window for good.
You are a good man doing the best you can. I’m your age and understand how you stand by your wife.
This is my story with my husband. I also care for my son who has cerebral palsy and heart problems.God help me.
Everything he’s saying is exactly what my dad is going through at home with my mom. I’m so heartbroken for my parents. I know my mom needs help and she refuses to see a doctor. If anyone knows of Cambodian doctors who specializes in this disease, please provide their contact information.
@tomlinn7227 Just checking to see if there is an update on your situation? Were you able to get her officially diagnosed? Is she receiving further treatment? Are you able to get more help?
Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me feel I'm not alone in a very similar situation with my mother. Absolutely heartbreaking, stressful, and bewildering with little to no help in sight...
Tom; I can only say; take comfort in your knowledge, you are doing your best. Sending prayers your way.
Thank you for your kind and supportive words to Tom.
We all try to do our best, but with this disease there never seems to be a best.
May god bless you, and I pray that you keep building your confidence. Your video will help so many. 😢
Think you for sharing Tom. God bless you and your wife. Prayers for strength 💜🙏🏻
Thank you.
Good grief, I feel his pain and just recently figured out that my spouse has this although not formally diagnosed.
Debbi, three things.
1) Get him diagnosed by the right doctors.
2) Get support from family members or friends - your support group.
3) See an estate planning and elder care attorneys.
Kind regards, Tom
God bless you Tom. Praying for you and your family
I'm in the same journey....been in counseling for the last year...absolutely necessary.
Hi Judy, thanks for sharing, could I ask you what type of dementia affects your partner? I'm waiting for a diagnosis for my mum and the journey is so long!
Tom. Thanks so much for sharing your story.
I have learned to record video and audio whenever possible to help the Doctor see context better. In addition, I get to record the good memories for the grandchildren and future generations to treasure forever.
I have hours of audio, sadly it’s almost too much to listen to. Of the people I have played snippets to say after a few seconds turn it off. I know it’s really heavy stuff, it’s scary.
@@tomlinn7227 I totally understand. Thank you for being the hero that you are. I am inspired.
This is my story when dealing with my wife, word for word. Literally word for word. It is truly devastating.
Hi Sean, thanks for sharing, could I ask you what type of dementia affects your partner? I'm waiting for a diagnosis for my mum and the journey is so long!
@@claudiarobbiati6932 Major neurocognitive disorder with behavioral variant
Your story is extremely potent. Thank you
I had two wonderful years of marriage, but have been married twelve years. I suffer daily, and cannot figure out how I will survive due to the stress caused by his dementia. When he says he is sick of my controlling him, I just say! "OK! go somewhere else. Who else will take care of you? "
I used to try to convince him I was not trying to control, but I began agreeing with him. i tell him yes I am in control, and I will stay in control. I love you and I am taking care of both of us.
He attacked me while I was driving 70 mph because I would not go to the store he wanted. He has thrown a rattlesnake at me. He shoves, pushes, constantly cusses when at home, but not in public. He is paranoid, and confabulates wild stories about me. His daughters say, "He doesnt seem that bad to me," so I do not even keep,them informed anymore. My children are my supporters via telephone, but really they cannot phathom my lonliness and grief. To Tom I would say, take heart if you are still dealing with her. The hardest part is comprehending that you are grieving for losing a wife that has not passed away. They become a fit-throwing narcissist, act like a toddler, and you have the role of their parent.
I'm really agree with you!!! And I'm walking the same path as you!!!!